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Previously on "In Treatment"...
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I hear you, paul. You want to kick me
out of therapy. I get it.
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No, I don't want to kick you out,
absolutely not.
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I think that you tossed
me out a long time ago.
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You don't want me to
treat you as a psychologist.
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You want me to treat you as somebody
who's in love with you.
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Let's face it. I have not been
your therapist
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for a very long time, Laura.
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Maybe you can't treat
me because you're in love with me too?
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Where you headed?
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You need a ride?
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Laura.
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Let's do it.
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Paul?
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Paul?
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Season 1 - Episode 16
Laura week four
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- Synchro by : ¤AkaZab¤, Kasius
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LAURA - Londay 9:00 am
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Sorry.
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You said that it.
That it happened in the kitchen?
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No, it started in the kitchen.
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Are you listening to me?
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Yes, yes, I am.
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I said I wanted to do
it right there on the counter.
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So when he picked me up,
I thought, "okay," but
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no, he took me into the bedroom and he.
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Put me down ever so gently like I was,
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I don't know,
a porcelain vase or something.
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Everything was very cautious, hesitant.
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Like he didn't know what to do.
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Maybe he didn't know what to
do with someone who wasn't his wife.
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Yeah, he kept telling me he hasn't done
it with anyone but his wife
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for 10 years, and hardly then.
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It was very sweet, actually.
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He imitated me.
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He did everything I did.
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I took off his shirt,
he took off my shirt.
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I told him he has a fantastic body,
because
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he does, and he goes, "so do you."
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At one point, he strokes my hair and
he asks me what kind of shampoo I use.
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Can you believe this?
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We're lying there, face to face, petting
each other like high school kids.
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Anyway, I get sick of it,
so I say to myself,
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"maybe he's waiting for a signal."
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You know, maybe
he wants me to lead.
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Maybe if I start doing something,
you know, things will
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finally get moving. So
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I went down on him.
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Everything was so proper.
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I didn't want proper.
I just wanted him to fuck,
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without all the bullshit about
my shampoo
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and my beautiful breasts
and my excellent taste in curtains.
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So did that
move things along?
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What? The blowjob?
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Of course.
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But you know what?
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He doesn't like sex.
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You know what I mean?
He doesn't really like it.
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It's like he's carrying out
an assignment, a mission, like a pilot.
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What do you mean,
like a pilot?
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You know those air force guys
that mark tally points on the wings
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of their fighter jet to keep track
of how many planes they've shot down?
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It was like that,
like he was keeping score.
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I mean, he didn't even touch
me while he was going at it.
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He was just, you know,
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leaning on his elbows as if he didn't
want any connection between us...
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Except where necessary.
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And I kept
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trying to bring my face
closer to his to kiss
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him and he just...
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Kept pulling his face away...
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As if he couldn't stand me.
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And that was it.
It was very fast.
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Two minutes,
more or less, and then he came.
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And then he went straight the bathroom
and I just laid there in shock. I mean,
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he didn't even ask me how it was,
if I was okay or not. Nothing.
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Anyway, I made myself come.
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- While he was in the bathroom?
- No, when he got back.
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I had to.
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I mean, I hate to be left high and dry.
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He was just lying conducting dialogue,
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the ceiling or maybe with his wife,
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or maybe with you,
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and he looked so fucking sexy. So I.
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I climbed on top of his leg.
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I thought he'd get the hint
and he'd start something.
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But
nothing.
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So I just kept going...
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Riding his thigh.
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It felt good.
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And then I was overwhelmed
with this sadness for him.
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He broke my heart, this guy.
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He's fragile, really.
That's what he is.
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I don't think he could
tell what I was thinking.
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I was completely in my own head,
and I was thinking to myself, "shit,
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this is gonna be the saddest
orgasm of my life."
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Here I am riding this hot,
sad guy's thigh.
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I was expecting something
pitiful and measly, right?
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But no.
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A volcano is a cliche,
but that's what it was.
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It was like 10 orgasms
exploding at once.
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It's hard to describe.
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But I screamed--
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I did, I screamed
and I think I scared him.
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You would have been really proud of me.
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Why would I have been proud?
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I mean, as my therapist.
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You know, that I finally...
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Connected with myself.
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Doesn't happen very often.
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I'm sorry.
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That was a bit revealing.
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But you must be used to it.
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You know, hearing confessions like that,
it probably doesn't impress you anymore.
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Actually,
it makes a very big impression.
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Really?
What sort of impression?
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Well...
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You can look at it in all kinds of ways,
but one
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thing seems perfectly plain to me:
you slept with my patient.
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Excuse me?
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He isn't your only patient.
He doesn't belong to you.
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He's a great guy, okay?
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A little fucked up, a little insecure
in bed, maybe, but he's got potential.
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I think I'm gonna have
a terrific affair with him.
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Nevertheless, it's no coincidence
that you went to bed with him
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and I don't think it's
any coincidence that you began
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your affair with him shortly after
we talked about your quitting therapy.
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Are you saying that I
did this to get back at you?
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Remember the guy you told me about.
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The guy that you met at the bar,
that you went to the restroom with?
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You said that you felt you were with me.
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It's not the same thing, Paul.
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Are you sure it isn't?
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It was during that session, Laura,
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that you decided to tell me
that you were in love with me.
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And that's how you chose to tell me
how you felt about me.
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By having sex with another man.
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Paul, if there's one thing
that I put right out there,
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without hinting or manipulation,
is that I've wanted you.
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So I don't need to fuck another
man just to get my message across.
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What made you so...
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Sad about Alex?
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His loneliness.
He's a sad guy.
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Did you feel sad?
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No, I felt horny.
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So sadness for him but
no sadness for yourself.
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What are you trying to get at here?
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Maybe you did feel sadness...
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Because you were with a man
you didn't really want to be with.
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Are you saying that when I was fucking
Alex, I was actually fucking you?
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- Were you?
- Don't flatter yourself.
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It's not really a compliment, Laura.
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I think it seems more like, "look what
you missed out on, Paul. You
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coward, you idiot."
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I'm tired.
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I'm really
so tired.
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So,
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after
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Alex left, I
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couldn't fall asleep.
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I suddenly had this incredible
craving for cheesecake.
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Cheesecake.
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You know those amazingly fluffy
cheesecakes with that amazing smell?
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Well, my mother used to bake those.
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Every friday afternoon,
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afternoon, after I finished playing with
my friends, I used to come home and
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that smell.
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It was intoxicating.
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It was like a trail of scent
paving my way home,
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like a cartoon character.
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Then my mother got sick.
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The cancer was only stage
one at that point
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when they found it.
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But when she started chemo,
she stopped baking.
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You know, she was tired. She,
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she had no energy.
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And that was the first sign.
The first sign
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that something really big
was about to happen.
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And when she was really sick,
I used to find myself
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roaming the halls of
the apartment building,
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climbing up and down the stairs,
searching for that smell of cheesecake.
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Shit, how corny is that?
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And once I rember
a woman coming out of her apartment
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and she,
thank you.
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And she saw me standing out there.
She didn't know who I was.
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She must have been new to the building.
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And she was yelling at me,
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"Go away, go on, go home.
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What are you doing,
standing out here, just..."
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Why do you think you had that...
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particular memory the other night?
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I don't know.
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I searched...
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through my whole apartment
looking for a recipe but...
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Not that that would have done any good.
My fridge is completely empty.
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00:12:21,971 --> 00:12:23,839
I thought about going out
to get a piece,
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but it was 3:00 a.m.,
so I just gave up and went to sleep.
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Only then the phone rang
and it was Alex, he called to...
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00:12:31,270 --> 00:12:33,738
thank me, tell me
that he had an amazing time with me
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00:12:33,858 --> 00:12:36,008
and that he wants to see me again.
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00:12:36,298 --> 00:12:37,385
Go figure, huh?
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00:12:38,630 --> 00:12:40,891
He's supposed to pick
me up from here pretty soon.
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00:12:41,011 --> 00:12:42,011
From here?
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00:12:42,997 --> 00:12:44,747
Yeah, that's what he said.
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00:12:45,010 --> 00:12:48,260
Aren't you afraid that
Andrew will find out about this?
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00:12:48,491 --> 00:12:50,357
Or, maybe you want to get caught.
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00:12:51,171 --> 00:12:52,721
Andrew and I split up.
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- What?
- For good.
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00:12:56,446 --> 00:12:58,649
And it is for good.
He's a nice guy.
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00:12:58,818 --> 00:13:02,068
He'll make a nice husband
for someone who deserves him.
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00:13:02,468 --> 00:13:03,828
But obviously not for you?
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00:13:04,070 --> 00:13:06,449
I nearly fuck guys in bathroom stalls,
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00:13:06,569 --> 00:13:08,375
as you very kindly reminded me.
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00:13:09,892 --> 00:13:12,670
I just couldn't stand up there
in front of everyone, promise to...
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00:13:13,684 --> 00:13:16,334
Well, I just shouldn't
ever make promises.
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00:13:17,318 --> 00:13:19,205
I promise not
to make any more promises.
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00:13:19,325 --> 00:13:20,325
How's that?
218
00:13:23,933 --> 00:13:27,283
So I told him that...
"I'm sorry, but I can't marry you.
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00:13:28,237 --> 00:13:32,184
"I am incapable of being the woman you
want, the kind of woman you deserve."
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00:13:32,602 --> 00:13:35,490
I put it all on me.
Well, 'cause it is all me.
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00:13:37,057 --> 00:13:40,877
And he looked at me and he said:
"Thank you, Laura.
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00:13:41,902 --> 00:13:42,903
"Thank you.
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00:13:47,565 --> 00:13:49,642
"God exists.
It's a fact.
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00:13:51,263 --> 00:13:53,656
"He's made me realize
who and what you are,
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00:13:53,776 --> 00:13:57,126
"and He's saved me from a long,
endless death with you."
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00:13:58,496 --> 00:13:59,654
Flattering, no?
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00:14:00,085 --> 00:14:01,408
He must be devastated.
228
00:14:01,528 --> 00:14:04,276
- Maybe he feels...
- I don't care how he feels.
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00:14:04,468 --> 00:14:05,876
You don't care...
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00:14:06,132 --> 00:14:09,018
Not now, I don't feel like talking
about Andrew's side of the story.
231
00:14:09,268 --> 00:14:12,625
- Why does that make you so upset?
- Because I'm the one in therapy here.
232
00:14:13,480 --> 00:14:16,072
Andrew has his own therapist.
She'll take care of him.
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00:14:16,192 --> 00:14:18,503
Don't worry about him,
worry about me.
234
00:14:18,623 --> 00:14:20,152
I am taking care of you.
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00:14:20,272 --> 00:14:23,047
- You're kicking me out of therapy.
- I am not.
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00:14:23,167 --> 00:14:25,452
- I brought it up as an option.
- Don't sugarcoat it.
237
00:14:25,892 --> 00:14:27,521
You even tried to blame it on me.
238
00:14:27,641 --> 00:14:30,319
You made up the most ridiculous
case as to why I was late.
239
00:14:30,439 --> 00:14:32,489
It was nasty, a bullshit excuse.
240
00:14:32,864 --> 00:14:35,368
Instead of leveling with me
and saying: "Listen,
241
00:14:35,488 --> 00:14:37,964
"I've feelings for you too,
it's hard for me to deal with."
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00:14:38,289 --> 00:14:41,637
Instead of figuring it out so we could
continue therapy, so we could...
243
00:14:41,757 --> 00:14:43,659
We could be together,
that's your point?
244
00:14:43,779 --> 00:14:46,079
We've been together for a year.
245
00:14:47,760 --> 00:14:48,760
A year.
246
00:14:50,607 --> 00:14:54,028
There is more intimacy between us
than most couples in the world.
247
00:14:54,433 --> 00:14:55,565
Isn't that right?
248
00:14:55,807 --> 00:14:58,120
I don't deny that
there's a certain intimacy, that can...
249
00:14:58,240 --> 00:15:00,320
"A certain intimacy...
Intimacy-like..."
250
00:15:00,690 --> 00:15:01,809
Cut the crap.
251
00:15:03,358 --> 00:15:05,712
Is there intimacy here or not?
252
00:15:14,879 --> 00:15:15,879
There is.
253
00:15:22,180 --> 00:15:25,030
And now you're willing
to throw that all away.
254
00:15:25,852 --> 00:15:27,801
And why?
Because you're scared?
255
00:15:28,363 --> 00:15:30,260
I know that as a therapist,
256
00:15:30,544 --> 00:15:32,746
you tell yourself
it's part of therapy to find out
257
00:15:32,866 --> 00:15:35,897
why I'm in love with you and how
that's linked to my past and all that.
258
00:15:37,220 --> 00:15:39,588
But isn't that always
the way it works?
259
00:15:40,466 --> 00:15:43,916
Doesn't our past always determine
who we fall in love with?
260
00:15:44,195 --> 00:15:46,633
What if you can trace
it back to the withholding mother,
261
00:15:46,807 --> 00:15:49,689
the narcissistic father,
the parent who's missing in action.
262
00:15:49,809 --> 00:15:51,663
Does that make our love any less real?
263
00:15:51,905 --> 00:15:54,259
But sometimes circumstances are,
let's say,
264
00:15:54,379 --> 00:15:56,526
- less than ideal.
- I know that.
265
00:15:56,646 --> 00:15:59,396
I know you can delude
yourself into think...
266
00:15:59,527 --> 00:16:01,109
Only I am not deluded.
267
00:16:02,237 --> 00:16:05,729
Not about you, not about
how I feel about you, why I feel it.
268
00:16:05,903 --> 00:16:09,591
There's always got to be an explanation,
but that I feel it is irrefutable.
269
00:16:15,600 --> 00:16:18,073
I don't know
how to convince you anymore.
270
00:16:19,963 --> 00:16:23,290
I mean, you think that I've imagined
this fairy tale, this...
271
00:16:23,410 --> 00:16:26,304
happily-ever-after.
That I've idealized you.
272
00:16:27,450 --> 00:16:30,450
You think this is a case of a miserable
patient sitting in front of her...
273
00:16:30,570 --> 00:16:34,004
her therapist imaging
that you're my superman...
274
00:16:34,255 --> 00:16:35,690
Perfect, savior,
275
00:16:35,960 --> 00:16:38,309
mentor.
I don't see you that way at all.
276
00:16:38,487 --> 00:16:40,237
How do you really see me?
277
00:16:40,680 --> 00:16:42,530
I see you the way you are...
278
00:16:44,313 --> 00:16:46,705
Your imperfections.
279
00:16:49,525 --> 00:16:51,876
You're not at ease with your body,
with your profession,
280
00:16:51,996 --> 00:16:53,501
with who you've become.
281
00:16:56,217 --> 00:16:58,655
I don't know much about your life,
but I...
282
00:16:58,775 --> 00:17:00,940
I imagine you're not happy at home.
283
00:17:02,333 --> 00:17:04,935
Something in you is restless, damaged.
284
00:17:05,203 --> 00:17:08,453
There's a yearning there,
and I know it when I see it.
285
00:17:09,635 --> 00:17:11,985
And I want you just the way you are...
286
00:17:12,984 --> 00:17:15,569
Damaged and restless,
yearning...
287
00:17:16,068 --> 00:17:17,322
Warts and all.
288
00:17:18,445 --> 00:17:19,737
So you can fix me?
289
00:17:20,319 --> 00:17:22,626
God, you can be such
a fucking prick when you wannabe.
290
00:17:22,746 --> 00:17:24,297
So that I can fix you then?
291
00:17:35,236 --> 00:17:37,494
You know, next month I'll be 30.
292
00:17:38,901 --> 00:17:41,151
And I've been thinking to myself...
293
00:17:41,756 --> 00:17:43,821
"I've hated myself for 30 years.
294
00:17:47,948 --> 00:17:50,398
"It's enough.
I don't want to anymore."
295
00:17:51,569 --> 00:17:53,319
Why do you hate yourself?
296
00:17:55,437 --> 00:17:58,456
- You're surprised?
- I've never heard you say it before.
297
00:17:58,732 --> 00:18:00,982
I guess you save the best for last.
298
00:18:01,628 --> 00:18:02,878
That's the best?
299
00:18:03,075 --> 00:18:04,850
That you hate yourself?
300
00:18:06,058 --> 00:18:08,161
I don't know. You're surprised?
301
00:18:08,316 --> 00:18:10,272
It's something people
realize after an hour.
302
00:18:10,392 --> 00:18:12,968
I didn't know it after an hour.
Neither after a year.
303
00:18:13,088 --> 00:18:15,014
It's not easy for
me to hear you say that.
304
00:18:17,402 --> 00:18:20,852
Maybe you should try
and find out why it's so hard for you.
305
00:18:21,393 --> 00:18:23,106
Maybe you should see someone.
306
00:18:25,576 --> 00:18:27,360
I've been thinking about that.
307
00:18:29,941 --> 00:18:33,741
Seriously, I think the reason
it's hard for me to hear it is because
308
00:18:35,295 --> 00:18:37,945
I know that you have
so many reasons to...
309
00:18:38,265 --> 00:18:39,519
to love yourself,
310
00:18:39,906 --> 00:18:41,546
so many things to be...
311
00:18:41,666 --> 00:18:44,674
To be really proud of,
yet you choose to ignore them.
312
00:18:44,794 --> 00:18:45,794
Why?
313
00:18:47,021 --> 00:18:49,066
Haven't you ever hated yourself?
314
00:18:55,341 --> 00:18:56,591
I guess I did...
315
00:18:57,400 --> 00:18:58,400
Once.
316
00:19:00,071 --> 00:19:01,806
I was a kid.
You know?
317
00:19:02,403 --> 00:19:03,453
My mother...
318
00:19:05,169 --> 00:19:07,405
she was in pretty bad shape and...
319
00:19:08,633 --> 00:19:11,353
I took care of her, but...
320
00:19:13,936 --> 00:19:15,086
I couldn't...
321
00:19:16,183 --> 00:19:17,733
I couldn't save her...
322
00:19:18,378 --> 00:19:20,028
From herself, you know?
323
00:19:22,220 --> 00:19:24,270
I guess I hated myself for that.
324
00:19:26,156 --> 00:19:27,306
Was she sick?
325
00:19:31,222 --> 00:19:33,672
She was in a difficult emotional state.
326
00:19:34,039 --> 00:19:36,513
I thought that I could
pull her out of it.
327
00:19:36,633 --> 00:19:40,067
I used to cook her all these,
you know, elaborate meals.
328
00:19:41,551 --> 00:19:43,788
But she wouldn't eat them.
Couldn't understand why.
329
00:19:43,908 --> 00:19:46,558
Like every kid,
I thought it was my fault.
330
00:19:47,146 --> 00:19:49,496
It was something that I wasn't doing.
331
00:19:49,792 --> 00:19:51,652
Maybe I could do something else.
332
00:19:52,001 --> 00:19:53,529
But you know that's not true.
333
00:19:53,851 --> 00:19:55,317
I know that now, yes.
334
00:19:59,289 --> 00:20:01,139
Have you forgiven yourself?
335
00:20:01,860 --> 00:20:02,860
I think so.
336
00:20:03,266 --> 00:20:04,616
Took a long time.
337
00:20:07,196 --> 00:20:08,720
How does that feel?
338
00:20:12,681 --> 00:20:14,840
I mean really.
I'm curious.
339
00:20:15,668 --> 00:20:17,119
It feels like a relief
340
00:20:17,239 --> 00:20:18,781
to tell you the truth,
341
00:20:18,901 --> 00:20:21,076
to know that that burden is gone...
342
00:20:21,196 --> 00:20:22,646
The burden of blame.
343
00:20:24,699 --> 00:20:26,520
And to know deep down that...
344
00:20:28,432 --> 00:20:31,082
it never belonged there
in the first place.
345
00:20:37,117 --> 00:20:39,867
Maybe that's why you became
a psychologist...
346
00:20:40,584 --> 00:20:42,667
To help others with their burdens.
347
00:20:46,900 --> 00:20:47,900
Maybe.
348
00:20:49,656 --> 00:20:52,004
So you're a product of your past too.
349
00:21:00,573 --> 00:21:02,348
Will that be cash or check?
350
00:21:03,237 --> 00:21:05,387
- Can I owe you that?
- Sure.
351
00:21:08,191 --> 00:21:09,749
Anyway, I know where you live.
352
00:21:11,861 --> 00:21:13,231
Yes, you do.
353
00:21:30,408 --> 00:21:33,469
I should get going.
Alex is waiting for me.
354
00:21:59,196 --> 00:22:00,684
I forgot, I haven't paid you.
355
00:22:00,804 --> 00:22:02,954
That's okay.
It'll do next week.
356
00:22:03,580 --> 00:22:05,430
- Thanks.
- You're welcome.