Ugh. More reading?
Come on, boys. It's enough already.
You're boring your mother and me to death.
I'm reading Philip Roth. He's delightful.
- Ugh. - So impressive.
Oh, great. It's the Weavers.
This will be fun.
Hi, Larry.
So we are going to Atlantic city for the evening.
And this is the first time
that we're leaving Amber alone with the kids.
So we're wondering if, uh,
you guys can keep an eye on them while we're away.
Yeah. Just pop in, make sure they haven't gone
all "Lord Of The Flies" on each other.
How long are you going to be away from your children?
24 blissful hours.
- We're going with you. - We're going with you.
What? No.
Oh, come on. You're not the only one who needs a break
from your lame children.
Says the woman who reads Nicholas Sparks.
Ooh!
We could all use a little break from one another.
Yes, so it works out perfectly.
Reggie can help Amber watch the kids.
No, Larry. You're not coming, okay?
We're going alone because this is how--
Oh, Marty, get off of it.
We all know how this script ends:
You tell us you're going to do something, we say we're going with you
You say no, we go anyway,
hijinks ensue. You learn from us, we learn from you,
and it all gets wrapped up in a nice tidy package,
usually around 9:00 p.m.
We'll see you tomorrow morning, 8:00 a.m. You're driving. Don't be late.
- Wait. - No! I don't--
- We should know better than that. - Such a rookie mistake.
S01E22 It Has Begun...
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Emergency contacts on the fridge.
I will have my phone with me at all times.
And no parties.
I've seen "The Hangover."
Great reference, Dad. It's very relevant.
Don't worry about it. I got this.
Amber, I know I said I was leaving you in charge,
but since your breakup with Jeremy,
you've been moping around here more than usual,
and I don't think you should be taking care of kids.
Well, that's...
Probably a good choice.
Which brings me to you.
Oh! Why, thank you, Debbie Weaver.
I'm just so honored that you're...
Six months ago, yes.
But now that you have a girlfriend,
you've become a little too... Teenage boy.
You're not the boss of me.
And Bingo.
And then there Dick.
- You are the Smartest. - True.
- The most responsible. - Check.
- The most likely to rat out your fellow children. - Max Steals.
- Not yet. - Excellent choice, Deborah.
I've been champing at the bit to get this place into shape.
Come on!
We were supposed to leave an hour ago!
This trip wasn't a surprise!
You ready to relax?
Can't wait. And here we go! Love you, guys!
Love you back.
So... what do you want to do?
I don't know about you, but I'm gonna pee in the backyard.
You will do no such thing, young man!
Get in the kitchen. I'm making fresh kale smoothies.
Well...
We don't have to babysit anymore.
So... What do you want to do?
Actually, I've decided it's time
to take my relationship with Giselle to the next level.
You gonna touch her knee?
I... am gonna tell her that I'm not...
You know, from earth.
Oh, wow. That's...
Really big. Yeah.
What's wrong?
I don't know. I mean, I guess I kind of liked
being the only girl that knew your secret.
I don't want to share my Reggie with a... What are you doing?
What?
You always do this, Amber.
I get closer to Giselle, you get closer to me.
I start to have feelings for you again,
you pull away, I get hurt.
So I'm going to tell my girlfriend who I really am,
unless you have something new to say.
Because if you do, you should say it now.
That's what I thought.
Amber, sweetie, I made pot stickers!
?
It's like the cantina from "star wars."
Marty, look. Puppets!
Who's that?
Oh, it's a bachelorette party.
Yeah, when a women gets married,
her maid of honor... usually her best friend...
takes the bridesmaids out.
I want to join the bachelorette party.
Oh, no, Jackie, I'm going upstairs to the room.
Oh, my God. She's very strong.
Marty, text me the room number! I've gotta call the kids!
It's probably a disaster there.
Ooh!
It's like grand central station.
Weaver residence.
Hey, Dick, it's Debbie. How's everything going?
Great. The kids look like they don't get enough vegetables,
so I stuck pureed spinach into their muffins.
Ooh! Nice work, Dick.
I'm getting another call.
Is there anything else, Deborah?
Oh, I guess not.
Just tell the kids that I love...
Hello?
Weaver residence.
Go to the TV.
_
Really?
_
No.
_
Okay.
_
Oh... Crap.
...my upstairs for... upstairs.
Ooh, Reba!
Okay, Larry, room should be ready by now.
Let's go get the keys.
What's the object of this game?
It's Blackjack. You play against the dealer,
and basically, you have to get as close to 21 as you can
without going over.
Hit me.
Oh, he shouldn't do that. It's going to be a queen.
24.
Wait a second, Larry. Can you count cards?
Of course not. Oh, yeah. What am I saying?
I can see through them.
4 of diamonds.
6 of hearts.
An "a" of balls.
_
What a strangely inefficient way to communicate.
Whoa!
Tell me about your wedding, Debbie Weaver.
Oh! It was great.
I mean, we didn't have any money,
so a friend of Marty's from college
let us use his rooftop garden in Manhattan. Oh.
What about you?
Oh. No. Weddings are not a thing on Zabvron.
After Larry Bird and I had been together for a year,
a clerk from the hall of records popped by
to tell us we were married,
and we signed our names in the book of sorrows,
and that was about that.
Huh.
You Weavers have been so good to us this year.
It's a shame I'll never have a real wedding.
I would have liked very much for you to be my maid of honor.
Oh. Well, enough of that.
Let's go and find our husbands so that you can start your vacation.
Jackie?
Hang on. Come here.
We're gonna do one bet, Larry...
$5,000, then we walk away.
Larry, $5,000 is a lot of money for us.
I cannot lose.
Marty, I can see through the cards.
I like your odds.
Here we go!
Card, sir?
22. You bust.
Larry, what happened?
I thought you said you could see through the cards.
I can. Well, then what was that?
Oh. Oh, I see. It's smudged.
Yes, see, it looked like a "3."
My goodness gracious me, you seem genuinely upset.
I thought you were joking about the $5,000
being a lot of money. How poor are you?
Larry, I think I have to kill you.
How much do you have left?
Like $300.
Fine. Come with me. And then when we're done,
I'm going to see a man and some puppets.
Hey.
I'm sorry about earlier.
No, you're right.
If I need to say something, I should just say it.
Reggie, the thing is...
I just think it's really cool
that you're telling Giselle your secret.
Really?
Oh. Hello, Amber.
Giselle!
You look good today. What is that...
Is it your hair?
Bye.
Is everything okay?
You sounded weird on the phone.
So here's the thing--
I am...
I-I'm--I'm not...
Let me start from the beginning.
Huh.
Roulette?
Larry, roulette has the worst odds in the casino.
Not when I play. $300 on 17, please.
Oh, my God.
Okay, 1-7.
Lets go, 17!
I wanna stay married! Come on, baby!
Larry, again!
Wait for it.
17's a winner!
17!
Larry, I could kiss you!
I'm gonna kiss you. Come here, you.
Aah! Love you!
Good lords of Zabvron.
Ahem!
472 years ago,
I met you on opposing sides of an intergalactic battlefield.
And when you won
and started mutilating all of my fellow freedom fighters,
I knew that... Jackie. Jackie.
People are starting to look,
so let's just move it along, okay?
Okay. Okay.
Lawrence Bird,
will you marry me?
We are married.
But I want to stand up in front of everyone we know
and proclaim my love for you.
All right, then. Um...
I have a question for you, my darling.
After we do your thing,
can we please see a freaking puppet show?
Yes. Yes, we can.
Oh...
Hello, grandson.
The evacuation of earth has begun.
We're not impressed, and we're pulling you out.
We will be there to retrieve you within the hour.
Prepare for our arrival.
So here is the big secret.
I am... Really sweating. Huh.
Reggie, stop. Don't be nervous.
Just tell me. Okay.
I think the best way to tell you
is to show you.
Grandpa's coming! He'll be here in 30 minutes!
Oh, I'd love to meet your grandfather.
Zip it, missy! The men are talking. We have to tell Mom and Dad.
He commanded us not to. He's the supreme commander.
It was a supreme command. Wow. Okay.
Hell of a day to leave an 8-year-old in charge.
Well, even if we can't tell father,
we should make sure everyone's prepared.
Stay here. I have to warn the community.
So, if it doesn't work out with you and Reggie...
Hey...
I see you're taking this seriously.
This is the only jacket they had in my size, Larry.
Okay? Not everyone can just wear a tux
off the rack, you know.
Here. I wanted you to have this.
Jackie, you're not supposed to get me a gift.
It's your wedding. I'm supposed to get you a gift.
Well, just open it. Oh.
I stole it from housekeeping.
A maid of honor should look like a real maid.
Awesome.
Tradition dictates that I have a best man.
And while you are terribly flawed,
have questionable personal hygiene,
and something about your face
that I'm really not wild about...
Larry... what are you trying to say?
That against all odds,
you are the best...
friend I've ever had, Marty Weaver...
And the best man I'll ever know.
That's very nice, Larry. Thank you so--
Yes.
Yes, it's your nose that bothers me.
Yes, it's definitely your nose.
Ready.
Don't forget this.
Yeah. That's what this was missing.
Yep, it's grandfather all right.
Go call mother and father.
But it was a supreme command.
Yes, but our loyalty is to our parents.
Got it.
Out of the way!
Hey, all your little E.T. Friends
are acting weirder than normal. What's going on?
Reggie, is everything okay?
Okay, something unexpected has happened.
I might need to go away.
I need to tell you something right now.
I have a big secret. I should probably go.
Stay here.
I've had this secret ever since I've known you.
You love Amber. No, he doesn't.
Yes, I do.
I am so sorry, Giselle.
You know what, Reggie?
When I first met you, I was just a lonely girl
who had no friends and collected turtles.
So before you start making lots of excuses,
please just let me leave with dignity, okay?
Okay.
Come on, dignity.
Let's go.
? t's amazing how you ?
I? can speak right to my heart ?
? Without saying a word ?
? you can light up the dark ?
? Try as I may, I could never explain ?
? what I feel when you say don't say a thing ?
? The smile on your face ?
? lets me know that you need me ?
? There's a truth in your eyes ?
? saying you'll never leave me ?
? The touch of your hand ?
? says you'll catch me if ever I fall ?
? You say it best ?
? when you say nothing at all ?
You were my favorite thing about earth.
So were you.
You and Joe Biden.
Love me some Joe Biden.
? The smile on your face-- ?
Hello, grandson.
Oh, my.
Where is your father?
He should be here any minute.
Well, I wish he'd hurry.
I wanna beat the traffic.
Hello, Daddy. Son.
I've been trying to contact you for months.
Didn't you get my toasts?
No, I didn't get your toasts. You didn't get my toasts--
No, I just said I didn't get your toasts, Daddy.
Hello, Debbie.
Hello.
Oh, back on Zabvron, my name was Debbie.
I never told you that?
No, I think I would have remembered that.
Oh.
Debbie Callahan.
Oh.
The mission is over.
Zabvronians, move out.
No!
I'm not going back,
and neither is my family.
We like it here.
Really? 'Cause all you do is piss and moan
about how much you hate it here.
Yeah. Well, um... Father, you would love it here.
I've learned so much already.
I feel I just need another six or maybe seven more seasons--
I mean, uh, years, before I figure it all out.
Four would be fine. At least, yeah.
Earth is a silly place.
Half the world has no clean water,
and the other half has so much, they poo in it.
Poo?
Then we met the weavers.
I mean, they're not much to look at.
But they've shown us the very best
this planet can be.
We won't let you take our friends away.
And if you do, you're gonna have to go through me.
I can go back to Zabvron. I'm good either way.
You're coming home.
No.
This isn't over, son.
As sure as I'm standing here,
I will return.
And when I do,
you'd better have cut that hair.
You look like your mother.
Hi-ho.
Let's go.
Say hi to mummy.
So...
Really, Dick? You could have gone either way?
Real cold, Dick Butkus. Real cold.
Oh, come on! What was I supposed to say?
He had an army.
We can always go back home if you change your mind.
No, my darling.
Have the last 472 years taught you nothing?
My home is wherever you are.
?
Mmm! Strange year.
The strangest.
Still glad we moved here?
Has what seems like the 472 years
taught you nothing, darling? Okay, all right, pal.
What do you think's gonna happen next year?
Oh, pretty straightforward.
I think we worked out all the kinks.
You know what? I think you're right. Yeah.
?
So we should probably go ahead and kiss
so it's not like this thing hanging over our heads.
I agree.
Fair warning.
I've never kissed anyone before, so I'm...
Just a little nervous to...
? Found a place I can stay-ay-ay ?
? where I feel sa-a-afe ?
Wow. Two tongues?
You know it.
? And a beautiful day ?
It's gonna be an interesting summer.
Commandant Bill, I need your assistance.
Bup-bup-bup. You call me "commandant Bill,"
I turn around and look for my father. Please.
Look, I'm not your father.
Now how do you get this damn thing to work?
What? Are we gonna "beam" something somewhere?
Perhaps you'd like to watch a bunch of Teddy bears
dance in a tree, hmm?
Are we really gonna do this again?
No, this is an urgent toast to my son.
You shouldn't be contacting him.
Well, I'm still his father.
If I can't save him, at least I can mourn him.
Hey, honey, I'm running late.
I'll call you later, okay? Okay.
Ugh!
God, this is stale!
You know what?
Give the Bird-Kersees their toaster back,
because I'm buying a brand-new one
with the gambling winnings.
Have a great day, babe.
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