1 00:00:02,976 --> 00:00:04,543 About six months ago, 2 00:00:04,544 --> 00:00:08,047 my daughter Natalie and I showed up at my parents' house. 3 00:00:08,081 --> 00:00:09,982 Ah, therapeutic doughnuts. 4 00:00:18,225 --> 00:00:19,325 Why are we here? 5 00:00:20,723 --> 00:00:24,163 - On... earth? - No, at grandma and grandpa's. 6 00:00:24,164 --> 00:00:28,534 We are here because grandma and grandpa 7 00:00:28,535 --> 00:00:30,472 are the most awesome people in the whole wide world, 8 00:00:30,473 --> 00:00:34,850 and you never know what to expect from them, and that is... 9 00:00:34,851 --> 00:00:37,343 fun. Right? 10 00:00:41,748 --> 00:00:43,082 Hi, grandma! 11 00:00:43,083 --> 00:00:45,718 Mommy, Max... 12 00:00:45,719 --> 00:00:49,388 Hope this isn't a bad time for you, 'cause it is for me. 13 00:00:49,389 --> 00:00:51,557 My stepfather Max is a successful nightclub owner 14 00:00:51,558 --> 00:00:54,527 with an aversion to traditional workout clothes. 15 00:00:54,528 --> 00:00:57,947 Doesn't it look like he's fleeing a crime scene? 16 00:00:59,366 --> 00:01:02,451 - Maybe come back in an hour? - Is something wrong? 17 00:01:02,452 --> 00:01:03,936 I left Julian. 18 00:01:03,954 --> 00:01:06,272 I can't take his irresponsibility anymore. 19 00:01:06,273 --> 00:01:08,741 I mean, he used our rent money to adopt a highway. 20 00:01:08,742 --> 00:01:10,743 Little known fact, if you neglect your adopted highway, 21 00:01:10,744 --> 00:01:13,779 they come after you. I'm not crazy, right? 22 00:01:13,780 --> 00:01:15,798 I mean, please tell me I'm the normal one. 23 00:01:15,799 --> 00:01:18,450 In this house, you are. 24 00:01:20,337 --> 00:01:23,489 Which is why I've come home. 25 00:01:23,490 --> 00:01:26,926 It's about six months later, and I still live with my parents. 26 00:01:26,927 --> 00:01:28,880 I'm not a failure. I'm... trendy. 27 00:01:28,895 --> 00:01:30,396 Excellent news. 28 00:01:30,397 --> 00:01:33,632 Max's friend Kenny wants to ask you out. 29 00:01:33,650 --> 00:01:34,967 Kenny's 60. 30 00:01:34,968 --> 00:01:38,938 - So? 60 is the new 30. - Uh, 60 is double 30. 31 00:01:38,939 --> 00:01:41,941 Well, I'm not a mathematician. I'm a romantic. 32 00:01:41,942 --> 00:01:45,094 And Kenny is a very tender lover. 33 00:01:45,095 --> 00:01:47,313 My mother is incapable of censoring herself. 34 00:01:47,331 --> 00:01:49,148 I probably shouldn't say this, but... 35 00:01:49,166 --> 00:01:50,916 Mom, stop. Mom, stop. Mom, stop. 36 00:01:50,917 --> 00:01:53,652 But jelly tastes so good on a. 37 00:01:53,670 --> 00:01:55,032 Isn't she fabulous? 38 00:01:56,489 --> 00:01:59,292 Thanks. You just ruined Kenny. 39 00:01:59,293 --> 00:02:00,676 Look, it may be an unrealistic goal, 40 00:02:00,677 --> 00:02:03,629 but I am determined to be the best single working mom 41 00:02:03,630 --> 00:02:04,964 in the universe. 42 00:02:04,965 --> 00:02:09,135 Besides, Natalie would freak if I went on a d-a-t-e. 43 00:02:09,136 --> 00:02:10,853 - That spells "date." - Mm. 44 00:02:10,854 --> 00:02:13,105 Oh, good job. You totally got the point of that. 45 00:02:13,106 --> 00:02:16,192 Okay, the sculpture we bought in New Mexico finally came. 46 00:02:16,193 --> 00:02:17,310 Yay! 47 00:02:17,311 --> 00:02:19,812 Yay, grandpa! What's a sculpture? 48 00:02:19,813 --> 00:02:21,680 I just don't want Natalie exposed 49 00:02:21,681 --> 00:02:23,649 to the same things I was. No offense. 50 00:02:23,650 --> 00:02:24,984 Well, I'm not offended 51 00:02:24,985 --> 00:02:26,518 because I don't know what you're talking about. 52 00:02:28,021 --> 00:02:31,523 What? You had a perfectly normal childhood. 53 00:02:31,541 --> 00:02:32,575 Mm-hmm. 54 00:02:32,626 --> 00:02:33,659 Honey! 55 00:02:33,660 --> 00:02:37,496 - We're going out to see Marty. - No, I didn't say that, honey. 56 00:02:37,497 --> 00:02:40,299 I said we're going to a key party. 57 00:02:40,300 --> 00:02:42,802 Yeah, so it was normal for me to hear about your orgy. 58 00:02:42,803 --> 00:02:45,087 Oh, orgy. Please. It was some half-hearted groping, 59 00:02:45,088 --> 00:02:47,223 and then we ate a wheel of brie. 60 00:02:47,224 --> 00:02:48,924 I love our mother/daughter talks. 61 00:02:48,925 --> 00:02:50,810 I'm perfectly comfortable talking about sex. 62 00:02:50,811 --> 00:02:54,347 I mean, maybe it's generational, but I am very proud of my orgasm. 63 00:02:54,348 --> 00:02:57,316 - Well, you are a role model. - You should be on a stamp. 64 00:02:58,485 --> 00:03:00,152 Look, just because after your divorce, 65 00:03:00,153 --> 00:03:02,224 you slept with every guy in your improv class... 66 00:03:02,225 --> 00:03:03,656 And Karen. 67 00:03:03,657 --> 00:03:05,524 And Karen... doesn't mean that I'm gonna do the same, 68 00:03:05,525 --> 00:03:09,111 because I am a responsible mother who puts her daughter first, 69 00:03:09,112 --> 00:03:12,231 and that means setting healthy, normal... healthy boundaries. 70 00:03:12,249 --> 00:03:16,402 Yep, it's a puppy for daddy, huh? Look at this. 71 00:03:16,403 --> 00:03:17,736 That dog's scary! 72 00:03:17,737 --> 00:03:20,906 Oh, that's not scary. This is scary. 73 00:03:22,209 --> 00:03:24,844 She's afraid of dogs, and that is okay. 74 00:03:24,845 --> 00:03:27,179 That's not a dog. That's a sculpture. 75 00:03:27,180 --> 00:03:29,849 - I'm afraid of sculptures. - She's afraid of sculptures. 76 00:03:29,850 --> 00:03:32,751 Natalie, it's fake. See? Watch. You can kick it. 77 00:03:32,752 --> 00:03:34,019 Ow! 78 00:03:35,272 --> 00:03:37,356 ♪ It's altogether now 79 00:03:37,357 --> 00:03:39,758 ♪ It's altogether now 80 00:03:39,759 --> 00:03:41,427 ♪ It's you and me, and I need to know ♪ 81 00:03:41,428 --> 00:03:44,029 ♪ That we'll get through somehow ♪ 82 00:03:44,030 --> 00:03:45,398 ♪ It's altogether now 83 00:03:45,399 --> 00:03:46,615 We're going out. 84 00:03:46,616 --> 00:03:48,234 Yeah. You two look snug. 85 00:03:48,235 --> 00:03:50,653 When Natalie is not afraid to sleep on her own, 86 00:03:50,654 --> 00:03:52,604 I will use my bed. 87 00:03:52,605 --> 00:03:54,874 It's called attachment parenting. 88 00:03:54,875 --> 00:03:56,542 - Yeah. Healthy boundaries. - Nice. 89 00:03:56,543 --> 00:03:58,110 - Love you! - Bye. 90 00:04:00,630 --> 00:04:05,034 Lamby, this feels healthy, right? What do you think? 91 00:04:05,035 --> 00:04:06,919 Don't give me that look. 92 00:04:06,953 --> 00:04:09,615 Sync & corrections by Rafael UPD www.addic7ed.com/ 93 00:04:10,746 --> 00:04:12,840 My ex-husband Julian always means well. 94 00:04:12,841 --> 00:04:16,067 He just doesn't do anything well. 95 00:04:16,068 --> 00:04:18,913 - Guess what I got. - A job. 96 00:04:18,947 --> 00:04:20,981 A life hammer, finally. 97 00:04:20,999 --> 00:04:23,984 Breaks my car window in case I get trapped in my car underwater. 98 00:04:24,002 --> 00:04:25,653 How can we make that happen? 99 00:04:25,671 --> 00:04:27,955 - Mm. - Seriously, I wanna run a test. 100 00:04:27,989 --> 00:04:29,340 Will you time me? 101 00:04:29,341 --> 00:04:30,792 Takes about 90 seconds for a car to fill with water, 102 00:04:30,793 --> 00:04:32,960 according to horriblewaystodie.com. 103 00:04:32,994 --> 00:04:34,262 Maybe later. 104 00:04:34,296 --> 00:04:36,464 - Julian loves my family. - Okay. 105 00:04:36,498 --> 00:04:39,166 Later could be too late. 106 00:04:39,184 --> 00:04:41,001 And keeps finding reasons to show up, 107 00:04:41,002 --> 00:04:43,020 no matter how many times Max turns the hose on him. 108 00:04:43,021 --> 00:04:45,306 - Hi, guys! - Hello. 109 00:04:45,307 --> 00:04:47,608 - Do you guys have a brick? - Gold brick? 110 00:04:47,609 --> 00:04:49,977 Brick of heroin. Brick from "cat on a hot tin roof." 111 00:04:51,179 --> 00:04:53,898 No, j-just like a brick. Regular brick. 112 00:04:53,899 --> 00:04:56,517 Yeah, something to put behind my tire 'cause my brakes are shot. 113 00:04:56,535 --> 00:05:00,538 - There's bricks out by the toolshed. - Thanks, dad. 114 00:05:01,707 --> 00:05:03,691 Oh. I'll just be a few more days 115 00:05:03,692 --> 00:05:05,576 until I'm able to get Polly's phone winnected. 116 00:05:05,627 --> 00:05:08,579 - What's that? - Wirelessly connected. 117 00:05:08,630 --> 00:05:11,999 Come on, bud. 118 00:05:12,033 --> 00:05:15,636 Okay, he's using all that phone installing crap 119 00:05:15,671 --> 00:05:19,390 as an excuse to be here so he can worm his way back into our family. 120 00:05:19,391 --> 00:05:21,676 He and Polly are divorced. 121 00:05:21,710 --> 00:05:23,427 Why doesn't he just sleep with one of our friends 122 00:05:23,428 --> 00:05:25,763 and invest in a Tequila business like a normal person? 123 00:05:25,764 --> 00:05:29,016 Ooh. Tequila. Good idea. 124 00:05:29,017 --> 00:05:31,218 And he's stealing my cream soda. 125 00:05:31,219 --> 00:05:34,272 There's one less than yesterday. All right, listen. 126 00:05:34,323 --> 00:05:36,491 Oh, okay. Honey, go easy on that. 127 00:05:36,525 --> 00:05:38,826 Listen to me. Listen, this is what we gotta do. 128 00:05:38,861 --> 00:05:40,695 We gotta keep an eye on him, and we gotta catch him 129 00:05:40,729 --> 00:05:43,898 in the act, and when we do, boom! 130 00:05:43,899 --> 00:05:45,232 I'm not sure what comes after the "boom," 131 00:05:45,233 --> 00:05:47,285 but something good. 132 00:05:47,336 --> 00:05:49,420 See, you're just overly sensitive 133 00:05:49,421 --> 00:05:52,406 about people taking your things because of the... 134 00:05:52,407 --> 00:05:54,192 Testicular cancer. 135 00:05:54,193 --> 00:05:55,843 You let them take my ball. 136 00:05:55,878 --> 00:05:59,547 You were supposed to guard me, like a sentry. 137 00:05:59,548 --> 00:06:03,918 Oh, I think it looks so much better with just the one. 138 00:06:03,936 --> 00:06:05,887 It's more distinctive. 139 00:06:09,024 --> 00:06:12,310 Don't patronize me. Let me miss my ball. 140 00:06:12,361 --> 00:06:15,897 Now... now he's in the pool. I just cleaned it. 141 00:06:15,931 --> 00:06:17,532 I've made quite a name for myself 142 00:06:17,566 --> 00:06:21,402 behind the smoothie counter at fresh side market & cafe, 143 00:06:21,436 --> 00:06:23,704 mostly because I've named all the smoothies after me. 144 00:06:24,957 --> 00:06:26,941 Polly. 145 00:06:26,959 --> 00:06:30,411 No can hear you, Greggie! 146 00:06:30,412 --> 00:06:32,547 I am on to you with the blender. 147 00:06:32,581 --> 00:06:34,715 I know that you're bringing in business. 148 00:06:34,750 --> 00:06:37,885 That does not mean that you can use this blender to ignore me. 149 00:06:39,054 --> 00:06:41,422 Sorry. I'm just messing. Go. 150 00:06:41,423 --> 00:06:43,090 Okay, well, I wanted to come over here because... 151 00:06:44,593 --> 00:06:46,126 Okay. What? 152 00:06:46,144 --> 00:06:49,263 - Are you gonna? - No. 153 00:06:49,297 --> 00:06:52,120 You're my boss. That would be very disrespectful. 154 00:06:52,133 --> 00:06:55,853 Okay... 155 00:06:57,272 --> 00:06:59,273 He is trying to tell you 156 00:06:59,307 --> 00:07:01,475 that the guy who comes in here all the time 157 00:07:01,476 --> 00:07:03,477 said he wants to ask you out. 158 00:07:03,478 --> 00:07:06,647 - Jewish Superman? - Jewish Superman. 159 00:07:06,665 --> 00:07:09,483 Look at him pretending to look at the cheeses. 160 00:07:09,501 --> 00:07:11,986 That man has the body fat of Hilary Swank. 161 00:07:11,987 --> 00:07:13,921 He's never tasted cheese. 162 00:07:13,956 --> 00:07:17,491 Get over there before Jewish Superman flies away. 163 00:07:17,509 --> 00:07:21,295 Uh, cover me. I'm going in. 164 00:07:21,329 --> 00:07:24,799 So... Thursday night. I'll pick you up. 165 00:07:24,800 --> 00:07:28,102 - Great. I will be picked up by you. - Great. 166 00:07:30,138 --> 00:07:33,841 Uh... Guess what, guess what, guess what? 167 00:07:33,842 --> 00:07:34,842 I have a date. 168 00:07:36,511 --> 00:07:39,013 - I'm back in the game, ladies. - Not a lady. 169 00:07:39,031 --> 00:07:41,866 - Well, I hope that I'm this cute when I'm old. - What? 170 00:07:41,867 --> 00:07:45,486 - I mean, "hey, girl. - Hey." 171 00:07:45,520 --> 00:07:48,739 And it's all thanks to me, where I was standing, 172 00:07:48,790 --> 00:07:52,126 and the fact that you kinda see me as an asexual blur. 173 00:07:52,160 --> 00:07:53,661 Everybody wins. Okay. 174 00:07:53,695 --> 00:07:55,246 Now I just have to find a babysitter 175 00:07:55,297 --> 00:07:57,331 who I don't have to pay because I make smoothies for a living. 176 00:07:57,365 --> 00:07:59,800 - What about your parents? - A whole night? 177 00:07:59,835 --> 00:08:01,302 No, they've never done a whole night. 178 00:08:01,336 --> 00:08:03,304 They did do a long telephone call once. 179 00:08:03,305 --> 00:08:05,222 I did go out to get the paper. 180 00:08:05,223 --> 00:08:06,757 Besides, Natalie's afraid of me dating, 181 00:08:06,758 --> 00:08:08,509 and my mother is incapable of censoring herself. 182 00:08:08,543 --> 00:08:11,562 On top of that, I may or may not have implied 183 00:08:11,563 --> 00:08:14,265 that she was an uber slut and that I would never be like her. 184 00:08:14,316 --> 00:08:15,733 And if I tell her that I'm going on a date 185 00:08:15,734 --> 00:08:17,601 with a guy I just picked up in a grocery store, 186 00:08:17,602 --> 00:08:18,986 I'll look like a total hypocrite. 187 00:08:19,021 --> 00:08:20,888 So then lie to her, you know? 188 00:08:20,889 --> 00:08:23,941 Tell her that your firm but understanding boss 189 00:08:23,992 --> 00:08:26,277 is making you go to a work-related party. 190 00:08:26,278 --> 00:08:28,696 Your mom is half looped most of the time. 191 00:08:28,730 --> 00:08:31,082 - I'm sure she'll buy that. - Yeah. I mean, what's the point 192 00:08:31,083 --> 00:08:32,450 of living with your parents 193 00:08:32,451 --> 00:08:34,401 if you can't use them for unpaid help? 194 00:08:34,419 --> 00:08:36,236 Since dates for single moms 195 00:08:36,254 --> 00:08:39,040 who live with their parents are nonexistent, I went for it. 196 00:08:39,074 --> 00:08:42,743 So... I need to go out Thursday. This Thursday. 197 00:08:42,761 --> 00:08:44,912 Going someplace fun? 198 00:08:44,913 --> 00:08:46,547 Cha-cha-cha. 199 00:08:46,581 --> 00:08:49,249 No. Ugh. It's work. I mean, it's a work-related party, 200 00:08:49,267 --> 00:08:51,218 so I'll be dressed up as if it's fun, 201 00:08:51,219 --> 00:08:52,386 but in reality, it's like ugh. Blech. 202 00:08:52,420 --> 00:08:55,106 Could be fun. Cha-cha-cha. 203 00:08:55,107 --> 00:08:58,476 No. No. No fun. Not even one "cha." 204 00:08:58,477 --> 00:09:00,695 Gregg insists I go. Argh, the ogre. 205 00:09:00,729 --> 00:09:03,981 The point is, I'll be out, like, the whole night. 206 00:09:03,982 --> 00:09:06,346 - Can you babysit? - Of course we can. 207 00:09:06,347 --> 00:09:07,770 We're seeing "love, loss, and what I wore." 208 00:09:07,771 --> 00:09:09,770 - Well, we'll have to cancel. - It's got Patty Lupone. 209 00:09:09,771 --> 00:09:13,107 - She's a granddaughter. - We can sell the tickets. 210 00:09:13,125 --> 00:09:14,992 Is... that a "yes"? 211 00:09:15,043 --> 00:09:16,276 - Yes. - I just said "yes." 212 00:09:16,277 --> 00:09:17,745 He just said "yes." 213 00:09:17,779 --> 00:09:19,630 Yay! 214 00:09:19,631 --> 00:09:21,165 You guys are gonna be great babysitters. 215 00:09:21,166 --> 00:09:24,218 You know, in the "no drugs, no alcohol, 216 00:09:24,219 --> 00:09:27,088 no people coming over" kinda way. 217 00:09:27,089 --> 00:09:29,623 No Marty, no Kenny. 218 00:09:29,641 --> 00:09:31,842 Hmm. 219 00:09:35,887 --> 00:09:38,973 Okay, here's a list of Natalie's favorite TV shows, 220 00:09:38,974 --> 00:09:41,275 and I made her dinner, so just needs to be heated up. 221 00:09:41,276 --> 00:09:42,526 Well, what about our dinner? 222 00:09:43,845 --> 00:09:45,262 I'm joking. 223 00:09:45,263 --> 00:09:47,598 Max, she doesn't know when I'm joking. 224 00:09:47,599 --> 00:09:48,783 Neither do I. 225 00:09:48,784 --> 00:09:49,933 Okay, so she gets her bath at 7:00, 226 00:09:49,934 --> 00:09:52,069 and then she has to be in bed by 8:00, and when I say 8:00, I mean 8:00, 227 00:09:52,070 --> 00:09:53,571 and when I say bed, 228 00:09:53,572 --> 00:09:55,706 I mean, you have to just stay with her until she falls asleep. 229 00:09:55,707 --> 00:09:56,740 - Blech. - This is endless. 230 00:09:56,741 --> 00:09:59,627 Okay, here are all the medicines, but just in case, okay? 231 00:09:59,628 --> 00:10:01,996 - Call me first. Don't overmedicate. - Yeah. 232 00:10:06,134 --> 00:10:08,335 Oh, now these don't look like any fun at all. 233 00:10:08,336 --> 00:10:10,588 Well, that one does. It's blue. 234 00:10:10,589 --> 00:10:12,840 - Here's the number of the pediatrician. - Mm-hmm. 235 00:10:12,841 --> 00:10:15,959 And, um, I'm sure you won't need it. Here's my cell number. 236 00:10:15,960 --> 00:10:18,128 What do we look like, idiots? We have your cell number. 237 00:10:18,129 --> 00:10:19,146 Of course. 238 00:10:19,147 --> 00:10:21,465 - Give it to me. - Okay. 239 00:10:21,466 --> 00:10:25,469 When you say "bath at 7:00," do I just check the time... 240 00:10:25,470 --> 00:10:27,988 Okay. I admit it. The joking's funny. 241 00:10:27,989 --> 00:10:29,607 Mm-hmm. 242 00:10:29,608 --> 00:10:31,692 Oh, my God. You're serious. Wait. Didn't you... 243 00:10:31,693 --> 00:10:33,744 Ever give me a bath? 244 00:10:33,745 --> 00:10:35,496 Well, I work nights. I... 245 00:10:35,497 --> 00:10:37,581 I don't know. Do you know? 246 00:10:37,582 --> 00:10:39,816 I really feel like one of us should remember that. 247 00:10:39,817 --> 00:10:41,318 One night. No bath. It's fine. 248 00:10:41,319 --> 00:10:43,170 Wait. What are you doing? 249 00:10:43,171 --> 00:10:45,289 Putting the scary thing away. 250 00:10:45,323 --> 00:10:47,458 Oh. So that's how we deal with things we're afraid of, huh? 251 00:10:47,459 --> 00:10:49,376 See, this is why we don't win wars anymore. 252 00:10:49,377 --> 00:10:50,461 Your generation didn't win any wars. 253 00:10:50,462 --> 00:10:52,630 Hey, those bastards had a height cutoff. 254 00:10:52,631 --> 00:10:54,131 I was ready to go. 255 00:10:54,165 --> 00:10:56,884 And watch the language and the conversation topics. 256 00:10:56,885 --> 00:10:57,885 Nothing below the waist. 257 00:10:57,936 --> 00:10:59,220 What are we gonna talk to her about? 258 00:10:59,221 --> 00:11:00,938 I mean, kids are boring. 259 00:11:00,972 --> 00:11:04,007 - That's true. - I mean, we're the fascinating ones. 260 00:11:06,478 --> 00:11:08,845 Okay, sweetie, I'm just writing down my cell number. See? 261 00:11:08,846 --> 00:11:10,698 And your dad's. 262 00:11:10,732 --> 00:11:12,950 And look, you don't need to, uh, tell grandma and grandpa 263 00:11:12,951 --> 00:11:16,287 that I'm doing this, but if you ever feel scared in any way, 264 00:11:16,288 --> 00:11:19,156 - you just call me, okay? - Why would I be scared? 265 00:11:19,190 --> 00:11:20,491 Oh, you know, if your grandparents 266 00:11:20,492 --> 00:11:23,327 pull out a wheel of brie, just call me... immediately. 267 00:11:23,328 --> 00:11:25,129 I gotta go. 268 00:11:25,130 --> 00:11:26,380 Bye. 269 00:11:26,381 --> 00:11:28,104 And mommy's a big slut. 270 00:11:30,919 --> 00:11:33,370 What the hell you looking at? 271 00:11:35,006 --> 00:11:37,925 - Oh, she is on a date. - She's on a date! 272 00:11:39,477 --> 00:11:42,313 Cha-cha-cha. 273 00:11:45,350 --> 00:11:49,069 - Is everything okay? - Yes. Oh, God, I hope so. 274 00:11:49,070 --> 00:11:51,989 I mean, you didn't hear any news reports 275 00:11:51,990 --> 00:11:54,158 involving small children and older crazy people? 276 00:11:54,159 --> 00:11:56,193 Because I don't trust them... 277 00:11:56,194 --> 00:11:57,728 I mean, I don't trust the... reception in here. 278 00:11:57,729 --> 00:12:01,248 - It is way too dark. - Okay. 279 00:12:01,283 --> 00:12:04,451 I'm sorry. I'm so... I just... 280 00:12:04,452 --> 00:12:06,453 You know what I need? I mean, you know what this date needs? 281 00:12:06,454 --> 00:12:08,455 Cocktails. Waiter? 282 00:12:08,456 --> 00:12:13,160 Uh, I-I-I don't know. I was tense, so... I took a dazedan. 283 00:12:15,013 --> 00:12:17,464 It's fine. Those go great with cocktails. 284 00:12:17,465 --> 00:12:21,418 My mom calls them dazedan-tinis. 285 00:12:21,419 --> 00:12:22,937 Give me my crown back, princess. 286 00:12:22,971 --> 00:12:25,472 Oh! We, if we're best friends and princesses, 287 00:12:25,523 --> 00:12:27,057 why do we fight all the time? 288 00:12:28,476 --> 00:12:30,611 I'm a mermaid. 289 00:12:30,645 --> 00:12:32,980 Okay, we're mermaids now. I can't keep up with the plot. 290 00:12:33,031 --> 00:12:36,900 Why do you think that Polly didn't want us or... 291 00:12:36,934 --> 00:12:38,769 To know about her... D-a-t-e? 292 00:12:38,770 --> 00:12:40,204 Oh, who cares? 293 00:12:40,238 --> 00:12:43,324 As long as she moves on from J-u-l-i-a-n 294 00:12:43,325 --> 00:12:45,442 and I get my soda back. 295 00:12:45,443 --> 00:12:50,664 They're so enmeshed. They should visit a t-h-e-r-a-p-i-s-t. 296 00:12:50,715 --> 00:12:52,666 Visit "the rapist"? 297 00:12:54,336 --> 00:12:55,636 Therapist. 298 00:12:55,670 --> 00:12:59,056 Oh, I'm not a speller. I'm a dreamer. 299 00:12:59,090 --> 00:13:01,091 Is it just me, or are we killing it with this bathtub? 300 00:13:01,092 --> 00:13:03,293 Oh, we are. Best grandparents ever. 301 00:13:03,294 --> 00:13:05,512 Come on. Boom. 302 00:13:05,513 --> 00:13:07,398 She didn't trust us to babysit. 303 00:13:10,101 --> 00:13:12,236 You've got some great moves! 304 00:13:12,237 --> 00:13:13,604 What I didn't know then 305 00:13:13,605 --> 00:13:15,706 was that Luke can't hold his dazedan-tinis 306 00:13:15,707 --> 00:13:16,940 as well as my mom can. 307 00:13:16,941 --> 00:13:19,910 ♪ O-o-on the floor, dance 308 00:13:19,944 --> 00:13:25,148 - Aah! Bad! Bad doggy scared me! - No, it didn't. 309 00:13:25,149 --> 00:13:28,836 Natalie, have you ever actually been with a real dog? 310 00:13:31,089 --> 00:13:35,592 - Are you thinking what I'm thinking? - I never know how to answer that. 311 00:13:37,262 --> 00:13:39,129 Hi, baby. 312 00:13:39,130 --> 00:13:41,799 - I'm scared. - No, you're not. 313 00:13:41,833 --> 00:13:47,304 - Yes, I am, you doodyhead. - I've asked you not to call me that. 314 00:13:47,338 --> 00:13:49,106 I wanna call my mommy. 315 00:13:49,140 --> 00:13:51,058 Oh, well, you can't, 'cause your mom is on a date. 316 00:13:51,059 --> 00:13:52,109 Uh, Elaine. 317 00:13:52,110 --> 00:13:54,528 I mean a d-a-t-e. 318 00:13:54,562 --> 00:13:55,896 Mommy's on a date? 319 00:13:55,897 --> 00:13:58,282 She told me she was going to a work party. 320 00:13:58,316 --> 00:13:59,950 Yeah, well, she just doesn't want you to worry 321 00:13:59,951 --> 00:14:01,952 - about getting a new daddy. - Elaine! Elaine! 322 00:14:01,953 --> 00:14:05,155 - Why don't you just tell her there's no Santa? - There's no Santa?! 323 00:14:05,189 --> 00:14:06,707 We are blowing this! 324 00:14:06,741 --> 00:14:08,158 Look, look... Look at the adorable little... 325 00:14:08,159 --> 00:14:11,078 Look, Natalie, see? Look at this little puppy. 326 00:14:11,129 --> 00:14:13,414 Hello. Who's the good fella? Who is the good fella, huh? 327 00:14:13,465 --> 00:14:15,416 Aah! 328 00:14:15,467 --> 00:14:17,334 - Call mommy! Call mommy! - It's a dog. 329 00:14:17,368 --> 00:14:20,054 Call mommy! Call mommy! Call mommy! 330 00:14:20,088 --> 00:14:23,507 We need a very cute puppy, and we need it now. 331 00:14:23,541 --> 00:14:26,193 Who runs this joint? 332 00:14:30,812 --> 00:14:34,159 Somebody is gonna drive you home. Oh, crap. 333 00:14:34,160 --> 00:14:36,461 It's my ex-husband. Stay here. 334 00:14:36,462 --> 00:14:38,747 - Okay. - Stay. 335 00:14:38,748 --> 00:14:40,081 Oh, I am so wasted. 336 00:14:40,082 --> 00:14:44,669 Hey! Hi! Why are... you here? 337 00:14:44,703 --> 00:14:46,704 Natalie called. Wow, you look hot. 338 00:14:46,705 --> 00:14:49,057 - Natalie called? - Yeah. I don't know. Something about a dog. 339 00:14:49,091 --> 00:14:51,309 Max's damn dog sculpture. That's it. 340 00:14:51,310 --> 00:14:53,895 I am taking the other ball. 341 00:14:53,929 --> 00:14:56,147 How you doing? Too much Chardonnay? 342 00:14:56,148 --> 00:14:57,849 Sweetie, are you okay? 343 00:14:57,850 --> 00:15:00,068 - Hi, mommy. - Hi. 344 00:15:00,069 --> 00:15:01,486 Look, mommy has a boyfriend. 345 00:15:01,487 --> 00:15:03,855 - Oh, a boyfriend. - Luke. 346 00:15:03,889 --> 00:15:05,774 Who told her about the date? 347 00:15:05,825 --> 00:15:06,858 - She did. - I had no idea. 348 00:15:06,859 --> 00:15:07,942 - Well... - No, you did. 349 00:15:07,943 --> 00:15:09,611 The wheels just came off the evening. 350 00:15:09,612 --> 00:15:11,696 Who's to say who said what? 351 00:15:11,730 --> 00:15:13,731 I can't believe you told her I was getting a boyfriend. 352 00:15:13,749 --> 00:15:15,200 - I didn't. - Yeah. 353 00:15:15,201 --> 00:15:16,868 - I didn't. I just said that if you did... - Oh, she did. 354 00:15:16,869 --> 00:15:19,070 - It could be incredible. - She would be... 355 00:15:19,071 --> 00:15:20,255 I mean, how is shielding her from the inevitable 356 00:15:20,256 --> 00:15:21,572 - a good thing? - Yeah, that never works. 357 00:15:21,590 --> 00:15:23,291 I don't understand why you guys insist 358 00:15:23,292 --> 00:15:25,627 on confronting people with things they're afraid of. 359 00:15:25,678 --> 00:15:28,246 - What did we do that was... - Like dogs? 360 00:15:28,264 --> 00:15:30,465 Run for safety! 361 00:15:30,466 --> 00:15:33,268 You know I'm afraid of dogs! 362 00:15:33,269 --> 00:15:34,803 What is this doing here?! 363 00:15:34,854 --> 00:15:37,305 That's it, you guys! Aah! 364 00:15:38,424 --> 00:15:40,775 Polly, it's just a puppy. 365 00:15:40,776 --> 00:15:42,560 You don't have to be big to kill! 366 00:15:42,561 --> 00:15:44,979 Haven't you ever seen a Joe Pesci movie?! 367 00:15:45,031 --> 00:15:46,564 Can you make it stop that? 368 00:15:46,565 --> 00:15:48,400 This is a terrible violation of my parental... 369 00:15:48,434 --> 00:15:50,735 Daddy, your car is driving itself! 370 00:15:50,736 --> 00:15:53,655 Wow. That... 371 00:15:53,706 --> 00:15:55,490 I forgot my brick! 372 00:15:55,491 --> 00:15:57,775 He forgot his brick. That's my brick. 373 00:15:57,793 --> 00:16:00,211 Hey, hey, hey, hey! 374 00:16:00,212 --> 00:16:01,496 Oy. 375 00:16:01,497 --> 00:16:03,248 Is the dog gone? 376 00:16:04,650 --> 00:16:06,918 Oh! 377 00:16:06,919 --> 00:16:08,837 There goes using the truck as collateral. 378 00:16:08,838 --> 00:16:11,639 - Oh. - I think I may need a doctor. 379 00:16:11,640 --> 00:16:12,974 Ohh. 380 00:16:12,975 --> 00:16:14,843 Dad, would I be covered under your insurance? 381 00:16:14,894 --> 00:16:16,261 Like most terrible dates, 382 00:16:16,262 --> 00:16:19,297 this one ended with a family caravan. 383 00:16:19,315 --> 00:16:23,518 I think it's totally irresponsible to use a brick as a brake. 384 00:16:23,569 --> 00:16:26,637 Mm, actually, I think tonight proves it's more irresponsible 385 00:16:26,638 --> 00:16:29,474 not to use one, right? 386 00:16:29,492 --> 00:16:31,142 Come on, dad. Don't make things worse. 387 00:16:31,143 --> 00:16:33,912 Okay, I'm not your dad, and this may not be my place, 388 00:16:33,913 --> 00:16:38,032 Julian, but I think it's unhealthy that you're around Polly so much. 389 00:16:38,084 --> 00:16:39,334 There. I said it. 390 00:16:39,335 --> 00:16:42,120 I'm helping her set up her phone, which takes time. 391 00:16:42,154 --> 00:16:44,339 Mm, does it? Or are you purposefully breaking it 392 00:16:44,340 --> 00:16:46,374 so you have an excuse to come over? Ah. 393 00:16:46,375 --> 00:16:47,509 What? 394 00:16:47,543 --> 00:16:50,211 Not consciously. I didn't say "consciously." 395 00:16:50,262 --> 00:16:52,514 In... in... in, uh, subconsciously. 396 00:16:52,548 --> 00:16:55,934 Look, you're divorced. You gotta get on out there, 397 00:16:55,935 --> 00:16:58,853 bang a college girl, bang a bunch of 'em. 398 00:16:58,854 --> 00:17:00,054 Do you have any idea how lucky you are 399 00:17:00,055 --> 00:17:03,224 to have two perfectly working balls? 400 00:17:03,225 --> 00:17:06,111 - Don't squander 'em. - I'm not squandering my balls. 401 00:17:06,112 --> 00:17:08,513 Okay, then why don't you let Polly go? 402 00:17:08,514 --> 00:17:10,865 I need to be there for her and Natalie, 403 00:17:10,866 --> 00:17:13,535 because I wasn't before, okay? 404 00:17:13,536 --> 00:17:15,153 Now can you please just get off my back? 405 00:17:15,154 --> 00:17:18,183 I'm not on your back. Just taking care of my family. 406 00:17:19,298 --> 00:17:20,505 So am I. 407 00:17:23,529 --> 00:17:26,454 Somebody better take care of me, 'cause I'm gonna throw up again. 408 00:17:26,455 --> 00:17:27,665 Go ahead and vomit. 409 00:17:27,666 --> 00:17:29,884 Yeah. It's your car anyway. 410 00:17:29,885 --> 00:17:31,886 What an exciting evening. 411 00:17:31,887 --> 00:17:34,038 We should do more fun stuff like this. 412 00:17:34,056 --> 00:17:35,757 Fun stuff like you completely disregarding 413 00:17:35,758 --> 00:17:38,226 - all of my instructions? - Yes. 414 00:17:38,227 --> 00:17:40,711 But I'm not judging it like you are. See? 415 00:17:40,712 --> 00:17:42,680 I know what's going on. 416 00:17:42,681 --> 00:17:45,266 Oh, that must be a nice change of pace for you. 417 00:17:45,267 --> 00:17:48,719 You are projecting your fears onto... 418 00:17:48,737 --> 00:17:51,726 I have a very valid reason to be afraid of dogs. 419 00:17:56,162 --> 00:17:58,246 I don't see how it's my fault that 420 00:17:58,247 --> 00:18:02,116 that dog turned out to have hereditary insanity. 421 00:18:02,201 --> 00:18:03,535 The dog's not the only one. 422 00:18:03,569 --> 00:18:06,087 You need to pull it back. You know? 423 00:18:06,088 --> 00:18:08,173 You need to act like other people are watching. 424 00:18:08,174 --> 00:18:13,294 I want them to watch. Everybody knows that about me. 425 00:18:13,295 --> 00:18:16,264 I don't understand why you don't wanna watch. 426 00:18:16,265 --> 00:18:19,884 I'm so delightful. 427 00:18:19,885 --> 00:18:22,387 You are. It's just... 428 00:18:22,388 --> 00:18:24,589 I'm scared Natalie will turn out like me, okay? 429 00:18:24,590 --> 00:18:28,726 I mean, I'm a divorced woman living with her parents. 430 00:18:28,760 --> 00:18:31,529 There are so many choices I make every day 431 00:18:31,530 --> 00:18:35,033 that could screw Natalie up, and I won't know which one was bad 432 00:18:35,034 --> 00:18:39,037 - until she's grown up and mad at me. - Not even then. 433 00:18:39,038 --> 00:18:40,572 Pfft. 434 00:18:40,573 --> 00:18:43,541 Look, you are... fantastic. 435 00:18:43,542 --> 00:18:47,495 I mean, you are this great mom. You're very thin. 436 00:18:48,714 --> 00:18:50,665 And even though I had you when I was really young, 437 00:18:50,666 --> 00:18:53,835 you're still the best thing I ever did. 438 00:18:55,337 --> 00:19:00,091 And I once had sex with a Chicago bull. 439 00:19:00,092 --> 00:19:02,126 I'm not gonna tell you which one because... 440 00:19:02,127 --> 00:19:04,762 I don't remember, but it was a good one. 441 00:19:08,851 --> 00:19:10,985 Yeah, here it is. 442 00:19:10,986 --> 00:19:14,683 - I'm so sorry to drag you into this. - No, no, this is great. 443 00:19:16,191 --> 00:19:18,860 I am glad that I could be there for you. 444 00:19:18,861 --> 00:19:19,911 Okay, rock star. Yeah. 445 00:19:19,912 --> 00:19:21,412 Come on. What's your code? 446 00:19:21,413 --> 00:19:24,032 Uh... It's my sobriety date, which... 447 00:19:25,843 --> 00:19:28,453 Here. Hold him. 448 00:19:28,487 --> 00:19:30,121 If only we could find a way of breaking that glass. 449 00:19:30,122 --> 00:19:31,656 Life hammer. 450 00:19:31,674 --> 00:19:34,042 Oh. No, no, no, no, no, no. Don't break it. Don't break... 451 00:19:34,043 --> 00:19:35,159 Oh. 452 00:19:35,177 --> 00:19:37,211 Okay, we gotta go, we gotta go. We gotta go. 453 00:19:37,212 --> 00:19:38,346 What do we do with him? 454 00:19:38,347 --> 00:19:39,514 Leave him. Leave him. Put him against the wall. 455 00:19:39,515 --> 00:19:42,467 Put him up against the wall. Here we go. 456 00:19:42,468 --> 00:19:44,519 Okay. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You gonna kiss him good night? 457 00:19:45,688 --> 00:19:47,171 So I've taken my first step forward, 458 00:19:47,172 --> 00:19:49,840 and it wasn't as frightening as I thought it would be. 459 00:19:49,841 --> 00:19:52,510 And I'd like to thank my insane family 460 00:19:52,511 --> 00:19:54,896 for helping me through it. 461 00:19:54,897 --> 00:19:56,847 I'd like to thank my ex-husband Julian 462 00:19:56,848 --> 00:19:58,783 for having a good heart, 463 00:19:58,817 --> 00:20:02,737 which almost makes up for him having extremely bad credit. 464 00:20:02,738 --> 00:20:05,367 I'd like to thank my stepfather Max. 465 00:20:05,374 --> 00:20:06,958 I wasn't happy when he showed up in my life, 466 00:20:06,959 --> 00:20:09,193 but I'm happy he stayed... 467 00:20:09,194 --> 00:20:11,540 Or at least... most of him stayed. 468 00:20:11,547 --> 00:20:12,863 ♪ Holy Moly 469 00:20:12,864 --> 00:20:16,000 ♪ Me, oh, my, you're the apple of my eye ♪ 470 00:20:16,034 --> 00:20:18,753 I'd like to thank my daughter for making me brave. 471 00:20:18,754 --> 00:20:20,588 I swear she said she was afraid of dogs. 472 00:20:20,589 --> 00:20:23,174 Now she's just making me look bad. 473 00:20:23,208 --> 00:20:24,875 ♪ To nothingness 474 00:20:24,876 --> 00:20:27,095 ♪ There ain't nothing that I... ♪ 475 00:20:27,096 --> 00:20:28,313 I'd like to thank my bed. 476 00:20:28,314 --> 00:20:30,214 Yeah, it was me who was afraid to sleep alone, 477 00:20:30,215 --> 00:20:33,234 but you probably figured that out already. 478 00:20:34,520 --> 00:20:36,938 ♪ Jeez, you're something to see ♪ 479 00:20:36,939 --> 00:20:38,656 ♪ Uh-huh 480 00:20:38,691 --> 00:20:42,927 Lastly, I'd like to thank my mom for being a romantic 481 00:20:42,928 --> 00:20:48,716 and a dreamer and apparently a Chicago Bulls fan. 482 00:20:48,717 --> 00:20:51,703 Is that what she said? It was a crazy night. 483 00:20:51,704 --> 00:20:54,539 ♪ With you 484 00:20:56,091 --> 00:20:58,476 Do it. 485 00:21:00,179 --> 00:21:02,930 Gross! 486 00:21:06,552 --> 00:21:08,553 Hey, Polly. 487 00:21:08,554 --> 00:21:10,872 20 minutes, Max. I promise. 488 00:21:12,224 --> 00:21:14,892 I wonder if they have Wi-Fi at the homeless shelter. 489 00:21:14,893 --> 00:21:16,277 Ugh. 490 00:21:16,278 --> 00:21:19,330 ♪ Coming home