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Previously on In Treatment.
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I ruined their family.
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Darlene told me before she left
for Wisconsin that she was only going
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because she knew I would be there
to take care of Dana.
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She said she didn't trust Cy
but she trusted me.
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She trusted me and I ruined it.
One night...
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It happened.
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We almost had sex again
but he said that we had to stop.
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He said it would ruin both
of our careers if this got out.
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Just say it.
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She tried to kill herself or not.
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There's a difference
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between not being careful
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and wanting to commit suicide.
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Hello.
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Charmed, I'm sure.
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It's the middle of the night for me.
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I'm utterly exhausted.
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I was at this amazing party last night.
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It went on and on.
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I stayed awake all night
and then I walked here.
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No food, no sleep,
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I'm running on empty.
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I've never had so much
to drink in my whole life.
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There was this guy,
this new guy--
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Total eye candy.
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He kept walking around
with tequila shots.
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He kept making me drink them.
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I must've had...
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I don't know.
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I've never been so wrecked
in my whole life.
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Subtitles:
jayson.sosweet, Ju, michvanilly
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1x18: Sophie-Week 4
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I have to take them off.
Do you mind?
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Sure.
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You've grown hands.
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It's crazy how quickly a person
gets used to things.
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When I had the casts,
it was like
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they'd always been a part of me,
you know?
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Like I'd been born a monster.
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Now, two days after they're gone,
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it's like, "casts?
What casts?"
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Can't believe I bought them.
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I buy shoes basically never,
and when I do...
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They make you want to vomit,
don't they?
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It's your fault I bought them.
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Why?
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My mom took me shopping last week.
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I thought she was trying to be
maternal or something.
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Turns out we were only there
because you called her and told her
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I was gonna off myself.
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That's not what I said, Sophie.
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- Yeah, whatever.
- No, honestly, I never said that.
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I said whatever.
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Okay.
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Anyway, I picked out this jacket,
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this army thing that she,
of course, hated.
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Then as punishment she said
that I had to buy something feminine.
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She picked out those barbie shoes
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while I pretended
to retch on the makeup counter.
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If I had known you'd called her,
I never would've gone shopping.
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And then she wonders
why I run off to the gym to be with her.
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I mean, to be without her.
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To get the hell away from her.
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For my last birthday she gave me a bra.
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A bra for my birthday?
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It's like getting coal.
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It's worse than getting coal.
At least you can burn coal.
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It was one of those pushy-uppy
wonder things with the clicky wheel.
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You know?
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Half-bra, half-machine.
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She wants me to be some sort
of a fucking cheerleader.
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You want to know why she really hates
that I'm a gymnast?
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Because of my boobs.
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She thinks it will stunt my development.
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"Your boobs won't grow.
You'll hate your body.
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"You'll be deformed."
That's all she cares about,
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whether or not I grow a rack.
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So I won't have big boobs,
who gives a flying fuck?
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Must be pretty hard for you,
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trying to avoid your mom all the time.
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Just the opposite.
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I enjoy it.
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Really? Why?
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A few minutes ago you said
you had to run off to the gym
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in order to be with her.
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How extraordinary, Dr. Freud.
Whatever do you think I meant?
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Maybe it means that...
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no matter what I do,
I can't get rid of her.
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Maybe it means that,
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in order to keep
her interested in you...
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You feel you have to,
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run away.
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That doesn't even make sense.
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You sound like a fortune cookie.
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Have you ever worn
shoes like that before?
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Oh yeah, all the time.
I mean, don't you?
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This type of heel raises your butt
and shapes your calf.
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And that's essential.
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I highly recommend
you pick up a pair, Paul.
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Must remember to do that.
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So why did you wear them last night?
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I don't know.
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Really?
No idea?
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No?
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They remind me of Dorothy's shoes.
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- Who's Dorothy?
- From The Wizard of Oz.
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You said Dorothy
like she was a friend of yours.
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They're nothing like Dorothy's shoes.
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Dorothy was cool.
Her shoes were retro.
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- Oh, no.
- What?
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Please don't say,
"there's no place like home."
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'cause if you do, I might have
to puke all over your sofa.
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No, at the end, I was going to say
that Dorothy discovers
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that she can go home
anytime she wants
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with or without her shoes.
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Why are you infantilizing me?
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I apologize if--
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If that's how it sounded, Sophie.
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I really didn't intend that.
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So, have you taken your S.A.T.s yet?
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Not yet.
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I have a feeling that you're
going to do really well.
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I expect to.
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So,
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your mother bought you these shoes,
you hate them and you still wore them.
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Why?
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I'm at a total loss.
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But, hey,
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why don't you call up my mother
and say, "Hi, Sophie's mom,
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"Sophie wore those Barbie shoes
you bought her,
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"went out to a bar, screwed
half the U.S. olympic team
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"and now she's gonna kill herself."
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Why'd you do it anyway?
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- Why'd you call her?
- Because I was worried about you.
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Suddenly everyone's so worried about me.
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Did you call Cy too?
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He's turned into my grandmother.
He won't let me train.
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He's making me do classes
with the 10-year-olds.
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It's ridiculous.
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Now I remember what
I wanted to tell you.
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The most amazing thing happened
at the gym the other day.
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Even though I haven't been training,
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I've been absorbing
stuff just by watching.
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'Cause I have this chronic problem
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with my toes going off the edge
of the beam when I land a hard element.
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It's because I'm naturally knock-kneed.
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My knees, they face inwards.
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So in order to get them facing straight
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my feet have to point out,
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which is good for ballet but
bad for gymnastics.
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Just a toe in the wrong position
can lose you the event.
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I'm talking about medals here.
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So anyway, i'm on the beam, right?
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And I've been training at nighttime,
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even though my body doesn't want to yet.
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It was like...
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When I was little and
I used to starve myself
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and there would be this period,
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usually in the morning, where
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I was really really hungry.
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You know, so hungry that I thought
that my stomach might just start
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eating the rest of me.
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And then it would go away--
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Suddenly-- like turning
off a light switch.
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And I felt like I
was floating on clouds.
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It was the same with the pain this time.
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I pushed through
it until it just let up,
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all of a sudden.
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And then I felt like I didn't have a
body at all.
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Like I was just a
pair of somersaulting eyes.
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So yesterday I marched into the gym
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and I got up on the beam.
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Everyone was in shock and I felt this
silence all around me.
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- Sophie, be careful, please.
- Then something inside of me,
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some little voice said, "prove it."
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So I started the first element.
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- Here, I'll show you.
- Sophie, please be careful.
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- This is dangerous.
- Don't have a cow, Paul. I'm fine.
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So anyway, I begin the first element.
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When I look back at my feet,
they were right on the beam.
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It's nothing major, but I took
it as a sort of sign.
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Afterwards, everyone told me Cy was
so shocked that he couldn't breathe.
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- Well, I bet he was.
- I did a backflip.
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- I landed perfectly.
- That was incredible.
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I just walked back to the bench
like it was no big deal.
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I could feel everybody's eyes on my back
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I wanted to turn around and just...
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And what?
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Nothing.
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No, come on, tell me.
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I wanted to flip them the bird
with both hands
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like "Fuck all of you
and the fish you swam in on."
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I thought it was the...
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The horse that you rode in on.
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Not in my book.
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In my book it's a fish.
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What is it, Sophie?
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00:11:30,327 --> 00:11:31,604
What's wrong?
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00:11:31,943 --> 00:11:33,286
I don't feel well.
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Do you want some water?
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Do you feel a pain?
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Wait a second.
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Just wait, it'll go away.
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00:11:56,917 --> 00:11:58,355
Stop it, Sophie.
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00:12:00,349 --> 00:12:01,980
- Stop it.
- What is it?
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00:12:07,947 --> 00:12:09,572
Sophie, look at me.
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00:12:10,473 --> 00:12:11,473
Please.
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00:12:18,212 --> 00:12:19,320
What is it?
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00:12:23,742 --> 00:12:25,395
What goes on in there?
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00:12:27,333 --> 00:12:28,441
Tell me.
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Around 2:00 a.m.,
he took me to his room.
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Who did?
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00:12:39,283 --> 00:12:41,339
The new guy with the Tequila.
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00:12:42,009 --> 00:12:45,276
He's from Minnesota or Michigan
or somewhere,
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00:12:45,446 --> 00:12:47,333
he's a brilliant gymnast.
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00:12:48,908 --> 00:12:50,711
He wanted to have sex,
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he couldn't get it up.
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He was pretty wasted too.
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00:12:56,782 --> 00:12:59,857
And then he did and then we had
sex and,
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I didn't feel anything.
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As usual.
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Absolutely nothing.
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00:13:12,120 --> 00:13:13,620
Afterwards he said that I fucked
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00:13:13,790 --> 00:13:15,956
like someone who's been sexually abused.
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00:13:20,831 --> 00:13:21,833
Prick.
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00:13:25,649 --> 00:13:26,992
I'm sorry, go on.
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00:13:27,392 --> 00:13:29,176
We went to the girls' house,
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00:13:29,783 --> 00:13:31,684
to the room that I sometimes stay in.
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00:13:31,854 --> 00:13:35,352
I tried to go to sleep but I couldn't
stop thinking about what he'd said.
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00:13:37,174 --> 00:13:38,733
I was afraid that if I fell asleep
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I wouldn't get up in time
to come here so...
233
00:13:42,444 --> 00:13:45,377
And when I closed my eyes
I saw these horrible images.
234
00:13:45,547 --> 00:13:46,802
- What?
- Like,
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everything around me was falling apart,
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00:13:50,131 --> 00:13:51,524
you know, disintegrating,
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00:13:51,694 --> 00:13:54,333
turning into ash right in front of me.
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I forced myself to think
of something pretty and nice like
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a pasture in the sunlight
and to hold it there--
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00:14:02,769 --> 00:14:03,830
That image.
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00:14:04,750 --> 00:14:06,770
But as soon as I started to fall asleep
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00:14:06,940 --> 00:14:08,649
the pasture would turn to rot.
243
00:14:08,819 --> 00:14:10,218
It was terrible.
244
00:14:11,696 --> 00:14:15,368
That reminded me of the accident
for some reason. I don't know why.
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00:14:18,325 --> 00:14:21,147
I was scared that if I slept
I'd dream about the accident,
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00:14:21,849 --> 00:14:25,261
So I got up
and I walked to the bus stop
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very slowly,
248
00:14:27,834 --> 00:14:29,378
backwards actually,
249
00:14:29,548 --> 00:14:31,529
just to slow myself down.
250
00:14:32,459 --> 00:14:34,703
The buses weren't running yet, so,
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00:14:34,994 --> 00:14:36,703
I sat on the bench.
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00:14:38,206 --> 00:14:39,206
Yeah?
253
00:14:39,567 --> 00:14:40,569
And what?
254
00:14:42,719 --> 00:14:45,003
What were you thinking about
when you sat on the bench?
255
00:14:47,129 --> 00:14:49,072
I was thinking about Dana.
256
00:14:55,567 --> 00:14:57,121
I couldn't breathe.
257
00:14:58,204 --> 00:14:59,772
The night of the accident,
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00:14:59,942 --> 00:15:02,527
when I left Darlene's house and
got on the bike,
259
00:15:02,697 --> 00:15:04,735
all of a sudden I couldn't breathe.
260
00:15:05,657 --> 00:15:07,460
My throat closed up.
261
00:15:09,342 --> 00:15:12,061
There's this blind turn at the end
of their hill, and when I,
262
00:15:12,231 --> 00:15:15,743
I went around it a
white car almost hit me.
263
00:15:17,003 --> 00:15:19,353
- I don't remember.
- Go on, Sophie.
264
00:15:19,633 --> 00:15:21,874
- What happened with the car?
- I don't remember.
265
00:15:22,044 --> 00:15:23,653
Go on, please.
It's really important.
266
00:15:23,823 --> 00:15:26,623
- I don't remember anything else.
- You don't have to do this alone.
267
00:15:26,793 --> 00:15:28,141
I don't want to.
268
00:15:39,697 --> 00:15:40,702
Go on.
269
00:15:45,719 --> 00:15:47,681
The seat was hurting me.
270
00:15:50,316 --> 00:15:53,647
It was Cy's bike, a man's bike,
so it had a narrow seat.
271
00:15:54,185 --> 00:15:55,824
That's why it was hurting me.
272
00:16:01,251 --> 00:16:03,118
When I reached the blind turn
273
00:16:03,288 --> 00:16:06,320
a white car came around and
almost hit me.
274
00:16:06,490 --> 00:16:09,269
It had the brights on so it blinded me.
275
00:16:09,800 --> 00:16:12,206
It swerved away from
me and then honked and--
276
00:16:12,376 --> 00:16:13,953
It was so weird.
277
00:16:14,627 --> 00:16:17,093
The road just sort
of started coming at me,
278
00:16:17,263 --> 00:16:20,234
sort of attacking me really fast,
279
00:16:20,489 --> 00:16:23,879
like I was falling
from somewhere very high,
280
00:16:27,721 --> 00:16:29,186
And I wanted it.
281
00:16:32,422 --> 00:16:34,196
I wanted to hear a huge boom
282
00:16:34,456 --> 00:16:36,242
and then I wanted to hear nothing.
283
00:16:47,094 --> 00:16:49,197
I'm trying to kill myself.
284
00:16:56,494 --> 00:16:58,522
I'm a fucking freak.
285
00:17:07,365 --> 00:17:08,740
You're not a freak.
286
00:17:20,895 --> 00:17:22,313
What happened then?
287
00:17:28,387 --> 00:17:30,913
It was as if it had already happened.
288
00:17:32,389 --> 00:17:33,982
As soon as the white car passed
289
00:17:34,152 --> 00:17:36,506
I knew I was going to have an accident.
290
00:17:37,612 --> 00:17:39,453
And I just felt calm.
291
00:17:41,465 --> 00:17:44,642
I turned the handlebars just
the smallest little bit to the left.
292
00:17:45,397 --> 00:17:46,754
I remember thinking,
293
00:17:46,924 --> 00:17:49,487
"just this tiny little
movement is enough."
294
00:17:52,110 --> 00:17:54,017
Then I rode into the street.
295
00:17:56,066 --> 00:17:58,480
It was impossible for another car
not to hit me.
296
00:17:58,650 --> 00:18:00,506
And I felt just free--
297
00:18:01,761 --> 00:18:03,488
Free and strong.
298
00:18:04,587 --> 00:18:07,688
I had this adrenaline rush like
nothing could touch me.
299
00:18:09,398 --> 00:18:11,022
What is that about?
300
00:18:11,639 --> 00:18:14,156
Maybe you felt like you were in control.
301
00:18:14,634 --> 00:18:16,033
- Yes.
- Yeah?
302
00:18:27,019 --> 00:18:29,282
And then I was in the middle of the road
303
00:18:29,461 --> 00:18:33,143
there was this terrible
screeching sound and then a boom.
304
00:18:33,349 --> 00:18:35,734
I remember I said to myself, "oh."
305
00:18:37,122 --> 00:18:38,151
Just "oh."
306
00:18:39,019 --> 00:18:41,094
And I flew into the air.
307
00:18:41,736 --> 00:18:45,572
I could suddenly breathe again.
I had all this air in my lungs.
308
00:18:48,944 --> 00:18:50,918
And then you were on the ground
309
00:18:51,434 --> 00:18:54,084
you were lying there.
Do you rember what--
310
00:18:54,351 --> 00:18:56,501
What was going through your head?
311
00:19:02,785 --> 00:19:05,020
That I finally killed her.
312
00:19:06,510 --> 00:19:07,974
Killed who, Sophie?
313
00:19:08,534 --> 00:19:10,797
That's what I thought when I landed.
314
00:19:13,771 --> 00:19:16,758
Who did you kill, Sophie?
I don't know.
315
00:21:00,306 --> 00:21:02,119
Sophie, are you okay?
316
00:21:03,021 --> 00:21:04,514
I'll be right out.
317
00:21:42,825 --> 00:21:44,142
You feel better?
318
00:21:44,619 --> 00:21:46,345
I think I'll go home.
319
00:21:48,005 --> 00:21:49,948
We have a little time left.
320
00:21:51,214 --> 00:21:52,942
Yeah, but I'm really tired.
321
00:21:53,276 --> 00:21:55,351
You can stay for a little bit longer
if you'd like.
322
00:21:55,611 --> 00:21:57,100
I think I'll go home.
323
00:21:58,725 --> 00:21:59,797
But wait,
324
00:22:00,406 --> 00:22:02,350
I have the magic slippers
325
00:22:02,571 --> 00:22:04,297
that clearly I can click three times
326
00:22:04,467 --> 00:22:07,623
and suddenly everybody I love
will be right by my side.
327
00:22:09,571 --> 00:22:11,524
And you're like The Wizard of Oz.
328
00:22:12,308 --> 00:22:15,181
You think you know everything but
you don't know shit.
329
00:22:17,607 --> 00:22:19,643
Plus, you're always behind that curtain.
330
00:22:19,813 --> 00:22:20,930
What curtain?
331
00:22:21,682 --> 00:22:23,475
Let's see you do some magic.
332
00:22:24,759 --> 00:22:26,759
What am I thinking right now?
333
00:22:28,322 --> 00:22:29,579
I don't know.
334
00:22:29,749 --> 00:22:32,322
Sophie, I can't read your mind.
335
00:22:33,149 --> 00:22:34,158
Try.
336
00:22:38,154 --> 00:22:40,551
Please try, mr. Magic man.
337
00:22:42,422 --> 00:22:46,067
Are you angry that I made you
remember the accident? Is that it?
338
00:22:47,237 --> 00:22:48,714
That's not what I was thinking.
339
00:22:48,884 --> 00:22:49,918
You lose.
340
00:22:50,780 --> 00:22:53,183
- Are you okay?
- You must have someone else coming.
341
00:22:53,353 --> 00:22:55,244
- I don't.
- I can't see anyone like this.
342
00:22:55,504 --> 00:22:58,060
I'm a little worried about you, please.
343
00:22:58,230 --> 00:22:59,541
Sophie, please.
344
00:22:59,711 --> 00:23:01,798
I thought the shooting times
were always fixed.
345
00:23:01,968 --> 00:23:03,710
What shooting?
What are you talking about?
346
00:23:03,880 --> 00:23:06,422
- I thought they always came at...
- Who?
347
00:23:06,592 --> 00:23:07,725
The models.
348
00:23:08,963 --> 00:23:09,966
Sophie.
349
00:23:10,718 --> 00:23:11,835
Oh, god.