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"Joanie Loves Terry"
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sync & correction by vegemite, f1nc0
~ addic7ed.com ~
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Here you go, boys.
Make sure to eat all your eggs.
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I scrambled them with
milk and honey this time.
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Mmm, I can taste it.
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Well, you can never get
enough honey.
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Here you go, Chad.
It's an IRA packet.
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Absorb it, then we'll discuss.
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- What's an... IRA?
- It's for your future.
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It's never too soon to
start worrying about it.
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Here are your lunches, boys.
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Do you want me to fix you
up some milk toast, Wayne?
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- Yes, please.
- All right. Pancakes, bacon, sausage...
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Look at that. This market is
really going down the crapper.
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No matter how bad
you think you have it
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with your family, someone
else always has it worse.
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Look, sir, we both have
great pecs and six-packs!
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Indeed. Now, I will read to
you from the book of Knowledge.
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Cool.
Who are you?
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I am your father.
And I am love.
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What the hell are you doing?
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I was just having the best
dream of my life in there!
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I'm making a lute out of your
unused boat. What do you think, man?
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- Morning, mama face.
- Morning, my little Monkey Pants.
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Ah, what's this?
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Oh, honey, you found our
Mexico trip photos.
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Mom, Terry told you it
was "his family ranch,"
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and it turned out to be
a friend of a friend's?
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That's what I call distrustful.
Can we get rid of him already?
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Now, Monkey, that trip
was special for us.
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Hey, who ate all my...?
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Damn it, Terry!
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Say, Terry, did you know in France
they put butter in their coffee?
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Oh, yeah?
That makes sense, yeah.
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Yeah, they don't have
hang-ups in Europe.
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Totally.
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- Here, you should try it.
- Okay.
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Goddamn it, Chris!
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- What the hell, man?! What the hell...
- Oh, you boys, play nice.
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I'm late for work.
Terry's gonna take you to school.
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You have a good day, Monkey Pants.
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Hey, hands off.
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Don't change it.
Hey, get off.
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Hey.
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Chris, wait!
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We might not have much
in common, you and I,
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but there's one thing that binds us:
love for your mother.
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Wha-What?
Get out of here, man.
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I'd go to the ends of the Earth for her.
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I... love... your... mother!
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So, even though you're
a pain in the ass, kid,
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you and I got to learn
to love each other, too.
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Forget it.
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Chris, turn around.
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What's it going to take
for you to love me?!
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- Sweet dad.
- That's not my dad, dumb-ass!
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I didn't really
know what the story was
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with Chris's real dad.
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All I knew was that he wasn't around,
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and that his mom had dated
different guys over the years.
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There was the rancher, the disc jockey,
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the demolition derby champion,
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and now the piece of
shit she ended up with...
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Look, what's it gonna take
for you to... love... me...?!
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...Terry.
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...and he was the only
cobbler on Brayberry Lane.
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That's how Grandfather
earned his name, Peter Little.
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The Littles!
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Yeah, very good, Tim.
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Thorough, as always.
Uh, Chris, you're up.
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This is my family tree.
We're a palm tree.
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She's my mom and I'm her
son... her Monkey Pants.
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There was no one before us,
and there will be no one after us.
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What about your dad?
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He's... not around here
anymore, unfortunately.
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But I do have this of
him to share with you.
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This is the, this is the most
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hilarious footage of him.
Check it out.
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Uh, Chris, what are we doing here?
What-what is this?
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Okay, okay. Hold on, hold on.
Here it comes.
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Now, that was a real man.
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Piece of junk...
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Dude, I didn't want to say anything,
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- but you've missed, like, ten in a row.
- Don't you think I know that?!
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Sorry, man. It's Terry.
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He's burrowed into my brain
like some goddamn warlock worm.
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Hmm. Have you ever thought of
pulling the old "it's him or me" card?
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No, it doesn't work.
My mom just laughs.
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She has her cake and eats it, too, huh?
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Man, I got to find
a way to win back her love.
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Wait, it's Friday swap meet, dude.
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You'll totally find something
to win her back at the swap meet.
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I like it.
And we'll go in style.
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All aboard.
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- You think my mom would like this?
- Uh... let's keep looking.
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Dude, check it out.
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Damn it! I just can't
escape that jerk-bag.
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He's probably over there hocking
my Steve Martin records. Come on.
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Oh, dear God, no.
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He's going to propose!
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Is he dead?
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Now, Terry, go on and put
your arm around your new son.
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Look, I know you're flipping
out right now, Chris,
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- but let'be proactive about this.
- I'm on the precipice, man.
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I'm staring straight
into the goddamn abyss.
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We got to get that ring.
No ring, no proposal.
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Say, Terry, looks like
your rear tire's flat.
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Oh, son of a bitch, let me see.
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Hey! No, man, that's not a flat
wheel. Round as hell, look at that.
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Chad seems to be spending a lot
of time with this Chris character.
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Well, he is Chad's best friend, Wayne.
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- Why you telling me that, man?!
- Who cares?!
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- Just do what you got to do!
- You can't tell me that!
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Hmm.
Yeah, are we cool with that?
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So, Chris, I-I need some alone
time tonight with your mom, okay?
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I got something special planned.
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I'm going to make my famous spaghetti.
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- So, stay away tonight, okay?
- Sure thing, Terry.
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Where is it?
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Where is it? I-I...
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Hey, Chris, have you seen
a red ring box, please?
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Nope. See ya.
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So, Chad, have you had a chance
to look over that IRA packet yet?
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Or are you too busy joyriding with
Chris Novak in shopping carts?!
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- You saw that?
- I see a lot of things, Chad.
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So, what's this Chris kid's story?
Seems like a juvie hoodlum.
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Is he in a gang?
Is he hustling you?
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- Wayne.
- No, Dad, geez.
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Do you hear that?
What the hell is that?
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Chris and my parents...
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my two worlds colliding
at the same table.
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Would they understand each other?
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And did I even want them to?
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Sir, ma'am, this meal sure is swell.
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I mean, these flavors, come on!
What's the recipe?
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Just mac and cheese from the box.
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Wow! It must be your cooking
process then, Ms. Stevens.
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You know, Chris... he does these
amazing animal impressions.
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Well, well...
Chad, I mean, please, I do a few.
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- Do one. Come on, do it.
- Okay, okay.
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Here goes. Alpaca.
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- Okay, got it.
- How's your mother, Chris?
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Not well, I'm afraid.
She's courting a tramp.
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The guy's really making himself at home.
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I must admit, I released a
scorpion into his room tonight.
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Just a little something
to keep him on his toes.
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Why would you ever do that?
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Doc, not everybody has
the opportunity to have
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a mother, father and a sibling.
I wish I had that.
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Just a perfect little...
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Don't wait up for us, Doc!
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Next time, use the
doorbell like a human being!
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So, what'd you do with the ring?
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- I flushed it.
- Nice.
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The thing is, that only
bought us a little bit of time.
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Terry may be the laziest human around,
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but he's one persistent son of a bitch.
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How about bringing another
suitor into the picture?
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Who would be the
perfect fit for your mom?
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Huh, yeah, yeah.
Who's the coolest man we know?
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Burrito ready!
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I'll prepare a casserole,
a baked Alaskan,
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- cherry turnovers for dessert, even.
- That sounds delicious.
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Say, does your mom like
Elvis, by any chance?
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She adores him. Why?
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Well, I just so happen to do
Elvis impersonations, on the side.
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You know, after prom parties and such.
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- That's genius. She'll love it!
- Uh, thank you very much.
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Geez, what a mess.
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Joanie, my love, I love you forever,
and I made this for you.
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My nature collage video.
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A field. Ooh, trees.
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Oh, Terry.
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Horse.
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Look at the wings.
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Oh, Terry, that was so sweet.
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Aren't you my little Monkey Pants.
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Mom!
How could you?!
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I'm your Monkey Pants!
Me! The one and only!
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Sir Mooch, prepare to defend yourself!
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- Chris! What are you doing?
- En garde, you fiend!
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- Hey! Ow! No! Stop it!
- Terry! Chris! Boys!
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No, Chris!
What are you doing?
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Boys!
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Chris!
Honey, please, calm down.
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Calm down? That's it, Mom!
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I can't stay under the same roof
as this snake-face any longer!
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I'll be at Chad's indefinitely.
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Chris?
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You ever feel like the universe
is laughing at you, Chad?
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Look at 'em up there,
cackling and twinkling.
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Ursa Major. Ursa Minor.
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- Goddamn Orion!
- What the hell happened?
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Terry's finally done it.
I'm usurped, Chad.
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I can't go back until
that night crawler's gone.
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I'll sleep in your closet;
you can feed me table scraps.
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00:12:22,977 --> 00:12:26,746
Sure, but my closet's jam-packed, man.
You'll have to sleep in Jay's.
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Um...
Mom, Dad, I was wondering,
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- can we adopt Chris?
- Chris Novak? Are you insane?!
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- But... I've always wanted a brother.
- Hey!
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Morning.
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00:13:07,355 --> 00:13:09,423
Chad, a word.
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What do you guys think you're doing?
This isn't a youth hostel!
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00:13:12,728 --> 00:13:15,663
But he needs us, Dad.
We can't send him back there.
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It'll do him good to relax
in a stable environment.
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00:13:18,301 --> 00:13:20,669
He does appear to be
thriving here already, Wayne.
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00:13:20,703 --> 00:13:23,439
Oh, of course he is...
this is the Stevens house.
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00:13:23,473 --> 00:13:25,674
But we can't just keep the boy.
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00:13:25,709 --> 00:13:28,611
Please? Can we just try
it out for a few days?
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00:13:28,645 --> 00:13:29,979
Please?
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He does appear to be thriving.
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I guess.
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But only because we're such
a good influence on him.
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00:13:38,921 --> 00:13:42,223
All right, gentlemen,
first off, I got to be honest.
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00:13:42,257 --> 00:13:44,158
I'm not loving the name
"Plan: New Suitor."
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00:13:44,193 --> 00:13:45,593
What else we got?
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00:13:47,061 --> 00:13:50,398
Okay, we'll put a pin in it.
Forging ahead. Step one...
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Typical Chris was driven,
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but this Chris was otherworldly.
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He had focus, clarity, determination.
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We need bells,
feathers, flutes, shiny objects.
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00:14:01,376 --> 00:14:02,776
Is anyone writing this down?
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00:14:03,778 --> 00:14:05,312
We lure Terry into the backyard
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with promises of trinkets
and spiritual awakening.
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00:14:07,916 --> 00:14:09,850
We got to get that gypsy
out and keep him out.
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00:14:09,884 --> 00:14:12,553
Something that'll give Paul
enough time to really charm my mom.
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00:14:12,588 --> 00:14:16,423
Boom. Boom. Boom.
And then we bag him and gag him.
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00:14:16,458 --> 00:14:18,492
Let's get a good night's sleep, boys.
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00:14:18,526 --> 00:14:19,727
We'll tackle the rest in the morning.
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00:14:23,932 --> 00:14:26,734
The term "booby trap"
implied a lack of elegance.
231
00:14:26,769 --> 00:14:29,370
Not so with this one.
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00:14:32,908 --> 00:14:35,576
So, in two hours, I lead
the dancing rat to his trap.
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00:14:35,611 --> 00:14:37,111
While I'm getting the
flowers and candy for Paul.
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00:14:37,146 --> 00:14:39,947
Then, once Terry's strung up,
I meet you out front where we...
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00:14:39,982 --> 00:14:41,249
Wait for Paul and give him the goods.
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00:14:41,283 --> 00:14:45,019
Once my mom sees those sweet
chocolates from that sweet, sweet man,
237
00:14:45,054 --> 00:14:48,589
- mission accomplished.
- Let Operation Tramp-Out commence.
238
00:14:58,433 --> 00:15:02,937
Hey, Terry, listen, sorry about
the big blowup the other day.
239
00:15:02,971 --> 00:15:06,974
Anyway, I got
you something...
a big surprise out back.
240
00:15:07,008 --> 00:15:10,777
Oh! Oh, yeah?
I have to go all the way outside for it?
241
00:15:10,812 --> 00:15:13,980
I got an old witch doctor
to set up a sweat lodge!
242
00:15:14,014 --> 00:15:16,782
It's tricked out with all
kinds of mystical accoutrements:
243
00:15:16,817 --> 00:15:20,419
dreamcatchers, geodes and crystals!
244
00:15:24,089 --> 00:15:26,124
Magnificent, goddamn it!
245
00:15:26,158 --> 00:15:30,484
What is this?
It's like a dreamscape come true!
246
00:15:35,600 --> 00:15:37,301
Whoa!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
247
00:15:40,772 --> 00:15:42,773
Come on!
248
00:15:47,980 --> 00:15:49,114
Oh, my God!
249
00:15:53,619 --> 00:15:55,087
Oh, shit!
250
00:16:01,227 --> 00:16:03,595
Goddamn it!
Chris, you bastard!
251
00:16:05,164 --> 00:16:07,632
Oh, my God,
oh, my God, oh, my God!
252
00:16:07,666 --> 00:16:11,002
Chad! I killed him!
I killed Terry!
253
00:16:11,036 --> 00:16:12,937
- What?!
- He's dead, Chad.
254
00:16:12,972 --> 00:16:15,674
He's dead! Leave it to Terry
to screw up the perfect plan!
255
00:16:15,708 --> 00:16:18,710
- An idiot to the end!
- Oh, my God!
256
00:16:20,246 --> 00:16:22,380
I know what must be done.
257
00:16:25,251 --> 00:16:27,719
Hold on to these, would you, buddy?
258
00:16:27,753 --> 00:16:31,022
It was an absolute pleasure
being your best friend.
259
00:16:31,057 --> 00:16:33,391
Write me sometime.
260
00:16:33,425 --> 00:16:36,193
I'd like to confess a murder, please.
261
00:16:42,934 --> 00:16:44,534
That's it! I am fed up!
262
00:16:44,569 --> 00:16:47,003
That kid's crazy, and I'm out of here!
263
00:16:47,037 --> 00:16:48,404
- Good-bye!
- Terry, wait!
264
00:16:48,439 --> 00:16:51,407
Adios forever.
265
00:16:51,442 --> 00:16:53,443
Please come back!
266
00:16:54,778 --> 00:16:57,013
Um, am I late?
267
00:17:02,144 --> 00:17:05,179
Take it all! It's free and unwanted!
Tell your friends!
268
00:17:05,214 --> 00:17:07,081
Get in there deep, sister.
269
00:17:07,115 --> 00:17:09,116
I can still feel him under me.
270
00:17:10,265 --> 00:17:11,666
Man, this place is so...
271
00:17:11,700 --> 00:17:13,501
- Clean.
- And empty.
272
00:17:13,535 --> 00:17:16,905
Boys, boys, welcome.
Looking good, huh?
273
00:17:16,939 --> 00:17:19,725
Yeah, it's gonna take some
serious bleach, but I'll get
274
00:17:19,726 --> 00:17:22,511
that goddamn charlatan weasel
cleansed from the premises.
275
00:17:22,545 --> 00:17:25,214
Have a seat.
Can I get you something?
276
00:17:25,248 --> 00:17:27,583
Bowl of cereal?
A root beer, perhaps?
277
00:17:27,618 --> 00:17:28,952
No, thanks.
278
00:17:30,388 --> 00:17:33,657
- Chrissy, what is going on in here?
- Cleaning house, Mom.
279
00:17:33,691 --> 00:17:35,092
Don't you love it?
280
00:17:37,395 --> 00:17:39,997
Wait, you didn't tell
her you were doing this?
281
00:17:40,031 --> 00:17:41,565
What, and ruin the surprise?
No way.
282
00:17:41,599 --> 00:17:43,533
It's nice being the man
of the house finally.
283
00:17:43,568 --> 00:17:46,603
I never noticed
how big this couch is.
284
00:17:46,637 --> 00:17:49,072
Nice to stretch out my wings and relax.
285
00:17:50,107 --> 00:17:51,875
Youch!
286
00:17:51,909 --> 00:17:54,243
Oops. Sorry, Cheetoh.
Forgot about that one.
287
00:17:57,381 --> 00:18:00,350
Healing crystal, Indian head penny,
288
00:18:00,384 --> 00:18:03,686
tarot cards, handful of erasers.
289
00:18:03,721 --> 00:18:05,856
- Are we good here?
- Mm.
290
00:18:05,890 --> 00:18:09,926
So, how's our Chrissy doing?
Getting enough to eat, I hope?
291
00:18:09,960 --> 00:18:12,295
You know, he is welcome
for dinner anytime.
292
00:18:12,329 --> 00:18:15,731
- I'll make his favorite!
- Sure, Mom, whatever.
293
00:18:23,740 --> 00:18:24,707
Enter!
294
00:18:24,741 --> 00:18:27,443
Hey, Chad-o.
Can't hang out later.
295
00:18:27,477 --> 00:18:29,445
Mom and I are doing Novak Night!
296
00:18:29,479 --> 00:18:33,048
- Just like the good old days.
- Is she doing okay, Chris?
297
00:18:33,083 --> 00:18:35,818
I just saw her crying in the
Bag-n-Bargain parking lot.
298
00:18:35,852 --> 00:18:38,421
She's fine. She's just
coming out of a fog.
299
00:18:38,455 --> 00:18:40,223
She's clearly happier now.
300
00:18:40,257 --> 00:18:42,791
Happy?
She looked sad and exhausted.
301
00:18:42,826 --> 00:18:45,461
Happiness can be exhausting, man.
302
00:18:45,495 --> 00:18:47,963
Dude, I think... I think
your mom misses Terry.
303
00:18:47,997 --> 00:18:50,165
How dare you say
his name in this house!
304
00:18:50,200 --> 00:18:53,101
- In my house!
- I think she needs him back.
305
00:18:54,537 --> 00:18:55,938
I think you should leave.
306
00:18:55,972 --> 00:18:59,307
Evening, Mom.
Now if you'll excuse me.
307
00:19:01,477 --> 00:19:03,412
Hey, Mom,
I've got some root beer floats
308
00:19:03,446 --> 00:19:06,348
in the hopper and Swamp
Thing in the VCR and...
309
00:19:09,519 --> 00:19:11,153
Goddamn it.
310
00:19:11,187 --> 00:19:15,991
You were right, Chad, I was wrong.
We have to get Terry back.
311
00:19:16,026 --> 00:19:19,929
- I'm sorry, man.
- Goddamn it, I can't believe this!
312
00:19:19,963 --> 00:19:22,431
If my mom's life is bad, my life is bad.
313
00:19:22,466 --> 00:19:25,668
We're empaths, man!
I can feel her pain!
314
00:19:25,702 --> 00:19:27,370
She somehow actually loves that jackass.
315
00:19:27,404 --> 00:19:30,840
- Will you help me find him?
- Of course.
316
00:19:40,850 --> 00:19:42,751
Goddamn it! Son of a...
317
00:20:03,773 --> 00:20:05,641
Oh! There he is.
318
00:20:05,675 --> 00:20:09,211
You come to try and finish Terry
off? Stay away from me, man.
319
00:20:09,245 --> 00:20:11,413
This isn't about me; this is for my mom.
320
00:20:11,447 --> 00:20:13,715
I've come to bring...
321
00:20:13,749 --> 00:20:17,218
you... back... h...
322
00:20:17,253 --> 00:20:20,654
- h... home.
- No way, man.
323
00:20:20,689 --> 00:20:24,658
I'm happy with my new life out
here, in nature.
324
00:20:24,692 --> 00:20:27,160
If you want to marry my mom, go ahead.
325
00:20:27,195 --> 00:20:30,363
- I won't stand in the way.
- What?
326
00:20:30,397 --> 00:20:33,333
No, no, no, no, no.
That's a mood ring, for me!
327
00:20:33,367 --> 00:20:36,603
A choice piece of quartz
to promote astral harmony.
328
00:20:36,637 --> 00:20:39,105
- Mood ring?
- Yeah, man. Look,
329
00:20:39,140 --> 00:20:41,007
don't get me wrong, I love your mother,
330
00:20:41,041 --> 00:20:42,609
but I ain't looking to get married.
331
00:20:42,643 --> 00:20:44,244
Really?
332
00:20:44,278 --> 00:20:47,714
Yeah, no woman can put
Terry in a plastic cage, man.
333
00:20:47,749 --> 00:20:49,116
Let's hug. Come on.
334
00:20:49,150 --> 00:20:51,385
Ta-ta-ta, no hugging,
no hugging.
335
00:20:51,419 --> 00:20:54,588
Hey...
come on, let's go home.
336
00:20:56,624 --> 00:20:58,693
- Terry!
- Joanie!
337
00:20:58,727 --> 00:21:00,394
My Joanie!
338
00:21:00,429 --> 00:21:02,063
Come here, my little Monkey Pants.
339
00:21:05,000 --> 00:21:08,036
To say that Chris was proud
of his decision would be a lie.
340
00:21:08,070 --> 00:21:10,706
Mother love...
there's no denying it.
341
00:21:10,740 --> 00:21:13,241
That ranks right up there
with the truest type of love.
342
00:21:15,111 --> 00:21:19,081
Hey, Chris, whenever you
need an eye exam, come on by.
343
00:21:19,115 --> 00:21:20,649
Cool!
Do you do transplants?
344
00:21:20,683 --> 00:21:23,051
How about one eagle eye
and one fly eye?
345
00:21:23,086 --> 00:21:26,621
- Can you do that?
- Just forget it.
346
00:21:26,656 --> 00:21:29,290
Just forget it!
Just forget it.
347
00:21:33,382 --> 00:21:35,918
Has anyone seen my robe?
348
00:21:40,006 --> 00:21:43,642
Paul has entered the building!
349
00:21:44,661 --> 00:21:49,298
- What is going on, Chrissy?
- Uh, why is he here?
350
00:21:49,332 --> 00:21:50,933
To preside.
351
00:21:50,967 --> 00:21:54,503
Mom,
will you take me as your son,
352
00:21:54,537 --> 00:21:57,172
your whole son,
and nothing but your son,
353
00:21:57,206 --> 00:22:00,883
- so help you God?
- I do. I mean, yes, I do.
354
00:22:00,926 --> 00:22:03,193
But, Chrissy, what is this all about?
355
00:22:03,195 --> 00:22:05,929
A bond, a rebirth
between mother and son.
356
00:22:05,931 --> 00:22:08,298
I know you love me more than a bunch.
357
00:22:08,300 --> 00:22:10,200
This way, rest assured,
358
00:22:10,202 --> 00:22:13,036
I'll have legal proof that
I'm still your little angel.
359
00:22:13,088 --> 00:22:16,990
You got it, Monkey Pants.
Oh, this is so sweet.
360
00:22:16,992 --> 00:22:18,592
Isn't this the sweetest
thing ever, Terry?
361
00:22:18,594 --> 00:22:19,659
Huh?
362
00:22:23,094 --> 00:22:25,623
sync & correction by vegemite, f1nc0
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