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Welcome to Animal Control.
Let me show you around.
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Those are some chairs.
That's a cat or opossum.
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Oh, this is a napkin
where I wrote down
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a cool name for a dog.
"Bark Obama."
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Right?
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Is that--
what's happening here?
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Oh. Yo. Yeah.
We found this bird outside.
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We tried to turn it
into a work whistle,
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00:00:19,556 --> 00:00:21,764
like in the beginning
of The Flintstones.
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Tougher than it looked, though.
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We have a massive pest problem
in this town,
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and it's because
the Animal Control Department
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has been disaster...
at catching animals.
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They're great at ingesting
and selling marijuana.
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This place is a miserable suck hole
run by two pot-head losers.
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It's completely
and utterly mismanaged.
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Thanks!
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It does seem to be
very poorly run,
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but we've only been here
for two minutes.
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There may be a method
to their madness.
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There's more than one way
to skin a cat.
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Four. There's four ways
to skin a cat.
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- Ow! Ah! What is this?
- Regular blade--
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- Coyote trap, dude.
- Ah! This hurts!
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Yeah, we got, like,
a huge vermin problem.
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I mean, we've been meaning
to call somebody about it,
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but you know,
nobody get on the phone.
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You're the people
you would be calling.
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That is so trippy.
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Ow! You're fired!
You're fired!
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The whole department is fired.
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Ow, this hurts!
This was one of my running feet!
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- Yo, let's go to Jamaica.
- No, we should go to Jamaica.
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Oh, is that what you said?
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Yeah, dog.
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Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther
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Ron, you've been sweating
in here all day.
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Are you drinking any fluids?
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Yes, plenty.
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No, you need to drink water.
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Usually, I take it neat,
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but I will make an exception
in the name of health.
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Last night, I watched a movie
with Diane and the girls
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in which an orange fish
is separated from his father.
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The children were sniffling,
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which I believed to be due
to the sad nature of the film.
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I was wrong.
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You need to take off
those layers,
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rehydrate,
and go to the doctor.
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Thank you for your concern,
I will be fine.
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Please turn the thermostat
up to 90 and leave me alone.
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Ron, this isn't safe.
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I am a grown man.
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I have had a cold before,
I need no help,
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so if you don't mind--
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That seems about right.
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Okay, pop quiz.
Name the scent.
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Uh, "Spasm."
No, "Butter Face"!
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- Very good!
- Yes!
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I'm trying to get
more big companies
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to donate
to the Sweetums Foundation,
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and Tom got us a meeting
with Dennis Feinstein,
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Pawnee's premiere manufacturer
of perfumes and cologne.
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Oh!
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Or possibly, insecticide.
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Whew!
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Dennis Feinstein belongs
to a new generation of wealth--
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rappers, tech geniuses,
X Games medallists,
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and of course,
"scent artists."
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The man owns a Rolexus.
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It's a Lexus
filled with Rolexes.
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What's the point of that?
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To have it, which he does.
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Okay, I'll lay out
the benefits of donating.
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Tom will flatter and schmooze
as only Tom can.
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Andy, you know, this is just
a learning experience for you,
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so you just watch and listen.
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I had to pull a lot of strings
to get this meeting,
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so please, no one embarrass me.
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Ben, put on something decent,
like a tux.
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Andy, you're hopeless,
just take a shower.
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I already took what I call
a "Dwyer shower."
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I rubbed my armpits
with air fresheners.
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New car.
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Animal control
has long been a repository
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for some of this government's
most incompetent employees.
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Jerry Gergich
got his start there.
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- Well.
- All right, well.
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Yeah, so our new director
needs to be competent,
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effective, and not completely
stoned all the time.
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I'm way ahead of you there, girly.
I got the perfect guy.
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Friend of mine,
bit of an alcoholic,
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a little grabby, either
a war hero or war criminal,
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depending on who you ask,
but a good dude.
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00:04:02,144 --> 00:04:04,080
- How do you know him?
- I do his teeth.
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00:04:04,111 --> 00:04:08,101
A few coffee stains up front,
but his canines are insane.
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00:04:08,132 --> 00:04:10,555
Gosh, Jeremy,
he sounds perfect.
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00:04:10,586 --> 00:04:12,669
- Are his gums great too?
- Oh, yeah.
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They are excellent, beet red.
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I was being sarcastic.
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I think we should open this to
the floor for more discussion.
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Uh, maybe you would like
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to explain this to her, please?
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Traditionally, Leslie,
the councilmen just
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kind of take turns
on departmental appointments.
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Yeah, this one is mine,
then Dexhart, then you.
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This whole place runs on dibs.
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Are you kidding me?
You guys are all fine with this?
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Well, Milton's asleep,
but the rest of you?
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This is how departments
get mismanaged.
111
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No. We are going to be
thorough.
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I'm going to find a candidate,
and I encourage you all to do the same,
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and then, we will interview
all of them.
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Boring!
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"Boring"
is my middle name, so...
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my thoroughly vetted candidate
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is going to blow your candidate
out of the water.
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Oh, I guess I'm leaving.
Good to see you. Great meeting!
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I'd like to object again
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to being brought here
against my will.
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Okay, I'm just gonna
double-check your form here.
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Ron! You redacted
all the information.
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- I answered some of them.
- For "date of birth,"
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you wrote "springtime."
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- Which is true.
- Everything you write down
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is confidential.
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We need you
to give real answers.
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Fine.
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How many drinks of alcohol
do you consume a week?
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- One.
- That's it, one drink?
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One shelf.
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- Do you exercise?
- Yes.
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Lovemaking and woodworking.
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Do you have any history of
mental illness in your family?
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I have an uncle who does yoga.
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00:05:31,382 --> 00:05:34,701
- Allergies?
- Cowardice and weak-willed men.
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And hazelnuts.
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Sexual history.
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Epic and private.
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Okay. I'm gonna go
get your doctor.
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He's a rude, brash jerk.
You'll love him.
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I'm gonna cut
right to the chase.
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I don't like charity.
I don't get it.
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Feels to me like
I'm giving money away,
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and getting nothing in return.
146
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Well, that's not true.
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You can really help
your personal brand
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if you show that you're a mogul
that gives as much as he gets.
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If I give as much as I get,
I'm giving $20 million.
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00:06:03,316 --> 00:06:05,462
Ay yi yi.
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That's how much I'm worth,
20...million... dollars.
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Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
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Ah, he's disgusting,
but I want to take his money
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and give it to needy people,
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so I'm just gonna
keep on smiling. Yay!
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People who give to charity,
they get amazing press.
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- Huh.
- Like Bill Gates.
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Have you ever
heard of Bill Gates?
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He lives in Seattle,
guy with glasses.
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Bill Gates?
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00:06:33,865 --> 00:06:35,197
I know who Bill Gates is.
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Bill Gates is, like,
a super nerd.
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Is this some sort of nerd thing?
Are you calling me a nerd?
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Uh, he meant Mark Cuban.
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Cuban?
Now, that's the kind of guy
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00:06:44,030 --> 00:06:45,901
I can hang out with--
Mark Cuban.
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- Yeah.
- I'm interested now.
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Keep talking.
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Stay still.
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"Don't think about
how much this itches."
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That's very good advice.
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I have to say, this is the greatest
search committee ever assembled
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to find a new Animal Control
Department head.
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Chris Traeger can do more
with one foot
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than most people can do
with three.
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00:07:01,919 --> 00:07:03,770
I'm not going to lie to you.
I needed that.
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00:07:03,782 --> 00:07:04,670
I know.
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00:07:04,730 --> 00:07:06,570
- April Ludgate is beautiful...
- Stop.
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- You are talented...
- No.
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But most importantly, you're
passionate about animals.
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That's true.
It's because I'm half wolf.
182
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Okay, Donna, you took
a look at all the resumes,
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so send in the best candidate.
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00:07:16,041 --> 00:07:19,298
Wassup? I'm Harris.
I'm 33 years young.
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00:07:19,335 --> 00:07:22,162
I have my cousin Jason's truck
for two more weeks.
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00:07:22,228 --> 00:07:24,723
I have one testicle--
whac-a-mole accident--
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and I'm down to clown.
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Harris, we know who you are.
I literally just fired you.
189
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Oh, is this that job?
That's crazy! Never mind.
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00:07:34,784 --> 00:07:36,897
Why would you think Harris
would be the best candidate?
191
00:07:36,930 --> 00:07:39,175
'Cause he's one
of only two applicants
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with actual experience
at animal control.
193
00:07:41,390 --> 00:07:42,382
Uh-ohh.
Does that mean--
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00:07:42,400 --> 00:07:45,091
What up?
Yo, my name is Brett.
195
00:07:45,122 --> 00:07:48,571
I like burgers, and also,
I'm very high right now.
196
00:07:48,602 --> 00:07:51,587
- Dude, this is hilarious!
- Oh, yo!
197
00:07:53,255 --> 00:07:55,848
- We live together!
- Yo, we live in the same place!
198
00:07:55,885 --> 00:07:59,600
- This is my boy!
- Hey, "Wyld Stallyns"!
199
00:07:59,618 --> 00:08:02,177
You guys know why there are
all those cops out there?
200
00:08:02,402 --> 00:08:03,541
Where are the cops at?
201
00:08:03,572 --> 00:08:05,605
- I gotta go.
- Yo.
202
00:08:08,908 --> 00:08:11,252
A lot of charities waste their money
on overhead,
203
00:08:11,264 --> 00:08:12,927
but we at the Sweetums Foundation,
204
00:08:12,939 --> 00:08:14,632
- spend our money wisely.
- Okay.
205
00:08:14,656 --> 00:08:16,678
- You know what? Shut up.
- All right.
206
00:08:16,690 --> 00:08:18,091
You guys seem like
pretty cool dudes
207
00:08:18,120 --> 00:08:20,855
and I'm feeling pretty generous,
so why don't we
208
00:08:20,873 --> 00:08:23,351
take this conversation
to the Pawnee Smokehouse?
209
00:08:23,516 --> 00:08:24,907
Dumb-Dumb Eddie,
get the checkbook.
210
00:08:24,932 --> 00:08:26,051
We're going out.
211
00:08:26,070 --> 00:08:26,866
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
212
00:08:26,885 --> 00:08:29,073
Guys, we're going out.
Let's scent up!
213
00:08:29,135 --> 00:08:31,010
I call dibs on "Ooze."
214
00:08:31,029 --> 00:08:33,414
- I got "Money Shot."
- Yeah.
215
00:08:33,465 --> 00:08:34,465
I got "Blood Spurt."
216
00:08:34,499 --> 00:08:36,065
Ooh, no, don't use that one.
217
00:08:36,175 --> 00:08:37,696
Eh, go ahead.
218
00:08:37,763 --> 00:08:39,682
So why do you want this job?
219
00:08:39,811 --> 00:08:43,547
Well, I love cats,
and dogs sure are great.
220
00:08:43,575 --> 00:08:45,440
Well, you have
all the qualifications.
221
00:08:45,458 --> 00:08:46,730
You went
to a four-year college.
222
00:08:46,749 --> 00:08:49,194
Actually, when I went there,
it was just a two-year college.
223
00:08:49,230 --> 00:08:53,293
Wow, so you're not even technically
qualified to work at your current job.
224
00:08:54,203 --> 00:08:55,042
Aw, geez.
225
00:08:55,067 --> 00:08:56,962
- You're fired. Get out.
- No, no, you're not fired,
226
00:08:56,993 --> 00:08:59,024
but we're definitely going to
have to lower your salary.
227
00:08:59,065 --> 00:09:01,152
Oh, well, fair's fair.
228
00:09:01,265 --> 00:09:06,034
I am very, very, very,
very frightened of animals.
229
00:09:06,281 --> 00:09:07,869
This may not be
the job for you.
230
00:09:07,921 --> 00:09:11,455
I know, but my therapist, Dr. Richard
Nygard, told me to confront my fears.
231
00:09:11,473 --> 00:09:14,914
You see Dr. Richard Nygard?
I'm a Nygardian too!
232
00:09:15,409 --> 00:09:16,535
Would you sign my cast?
233
00:09:16,560 --> 00:09:18,505
Yes, but just please
don't give me this job.
234
00:09:18,563 --> 00:09:20,614
The spaying
and neutering tools,
235
00:09:20,639 --> 00:09:22,559
do you think those fit humans?
236
00:09:22,597 --> 00:09:24,292
- Mm-mmm. Mm-mmm. Mm-mmm.
- And is there a lock
237
00:09:24,304 --> 00:09:25,398
on the spaying room door?
238
00:09:25,430 --> 00:09:26,427
Mm-mmm. Mm-mmm.
239
00:09:26,446 --> 00:09:27,958
Thank you so much
for coming in.
240
00:09:27,976 --> 00:09:29,819
- Thanks for having me.
- Okay.
241
00:09:29,969 --> 00:09:33,137
Hello, Orin. Thank you so much
for applying, now leave.
242
00:09:33,182 --> 00:09:34,682
Hey, give him a chance.
243
00:09:34,717 --> 00:09:36,823
What makes you qualified
for animal control?
244
00:09:36,842 --> 00:09:39,531
I studied zoology in college,
245
00:09:39,583 --> 00:09:42,613
and I can control animals
with my mind.
246
00:09:42,876 --> 00:09:46,272
- Get out.
- I made you say that.
247
00:09:47,761 --> 00:09:48,861
I liked him.
248
00:09:49,598 --> 00:09:52,348
Well, that was a truly depressing
slate of candidates.
249
00:09:52,379 --> 00:09:54,250
I think you've got
several options.
250
00:09:54,275 --> 00:09:56,460
They're all terrible,
but you have them.
251
00:09:57,163 --> 00:09:59,282
Before you begin,
a few ground rules.
252
00:09:59,308 --> 00:10:01,496
I need you to explain
everything you do
253
00:10:01,515 --> 00:10:04,863
before you do it, so I can determine
whether I will allow you--
254
00:10:04,908 --> 00:10:05,808
Oh!
255
00:10:07,231 --> 00:10:08,212
Ugh!
256
00:10:08,364 --> 00:10:11,299
Balsa wood?
You could at least use mahogany.
257
00:10:16,748 --> 00:10:18,507
There's something
occluding your ear.
258
00:10:18,519 --> 00:10:20,863
It's sawdust.
Just blow.
259
00:10:21,417 --> 00:10:23,743
- Oh.
- You've got strep throat.
260
00:10:23,769 --> 00:10:26,288
I'm writing you
a prescription for penicillin.
261
00:10:26,466 --> 00:10:29,224
We'll have the rest of your test results
in about 20 minutes. Cholesterol--
262
00:10:29,255 --> 00:10:30,430
Not interested.
263
00:10:30,623 --> 00:10:32,204
Good day.
264
00:10:36,061 --> 00:10:37,973
Wish all patients
were like that.
265
00:10:38,046 --> 00:10:40,293
It's really annoying
when they ask questions.
266
00:10:41,265 --> 00:10:44,012
You know, they claim that
smoking is bad for you,
267
00:10:44,031 --> 00:10:46,958
but is there any medical
evidence to back that up?
268
00:10:47,004 --> 00:10:49,505
- Great point.
- So the Sweetums Foundation
269
00:10:49,524 --> 00:10:51,422
has really accomplished
a lot recently.
270
00:10:51,494 --> 00:10:53,132
Our health care
outreach program
271
00:10:53,163 --> 00:10:55,210
has reduced pink eye
in the rural community
272
00:10:55,252 --> 00:10:57,218
by 30%...
273
00:10:57,820 --> 00:10:59,155
to 70%.
274
00:10:59,183 --> 00:11:01,892
Snooze. You guys
ever been fox hunting?
275
00:11:01,961 --> 00:11:04,278
I have my own foxes
flown in from Russia.
276
00:11:04,328 --> 00:11:07,774
We drug them pretty heavily
so they can't get very far.
277
00:11:07,798 --> 00:11:10,252
In fact, mostly, they just
flop around on the ground.
278
00:11:10,283 --> 00:11:12,600
Makes it easier
to just walk up and "pow!"
279
00:11:14,010 --> 00:11:17,334
Stupid foxes.
It's deeply erotic.
280
00:11:17,359 --> 00:11:18,577
That sounds amazing.
281
00:11:18,641 --> 00:11:21,041
- We should go hunting sometime.
- I'd love to.
282
00:11:21,090 --> 00:11:24,226
I could bust out my Ralph Lauren
Fall 2010 collection.
283
00:11:24,378 --> 00:11:26,678
Copped it in 2012.
Clearance rack!
284
00:11:26,703 --> 00:11:28,043
Wear whatever you want,
285
00:11:28,082 --> 00:11:31,336
as long as it's not too bright
or reflective.
286
00:11:31,361 --> 00:11:34,895
You know, I want you
blending in to the surroundings.
287
00:11:34,962 --> 00:11:36,731
How fast can you run?
288
00:11:37,193 --> 00:11:39,225
I think that guy
wants to hunt me.
289
00:11:39,292 --> 00:11:40,843
So, Dennis,
not to interrupt--
290
00:11:40,877 --> 00:11:43,148
Then don't.
Boom! Ha ha!
291
00:11:43,154 --> 00:11:44,604
Shut him right down!
292
00:11:44,628 --> 00:11:47,437
I have heard so much talking
from you.
293
00:11:47,515 --> 00:11:50,410
I don't want to hear your
fat mouth say anything else.
294
00:11:50,435 --> 00:11:51,485
- Boo!
- Oh.
295
00:11:54,538 --> 00:11:55,976
You're a dick.
296
00:11:56,325 --> 00:11:57,500
Excuse me?
297
00:11:57,635 --> 00:11:59,716
- Andy--
- How dare you talk to me like that?
298
00:11:59,750 --> 00:12:00,955
Where are your manners?
299
00:12:00,978 --> 00:12:02,579
You come to me
asking for money,
300
00:12:02,613 --> 00:12:04,819
and you treat me like this?
I don't think so.
301
00:12:04,872 --> 00:12:07,303
Wrap it up! We're done!
302
00:12:07,388 --> 00:12:11,040
Hey!
Show these garbage people out!
303
00:12:11,744 --> 00:12:14,111
Take the garbage out, Eddie.
304
00:12:15,001 --> 00:12:16,452
Donna?
305
00:12:16,952 --> 00:12:18,627
Gentlemen.
306
00:12:20,632 --> 00:12:23,754
Mr. Palletta, what is
your occupation currently?
307
00:12:23,852 --> 00:12:25,871
I run a children's
break dancing studio
308
00:12:25,884 --> 00:12:27,591
called
"D.J. Jazzy Vern's."
309
00:12:27,622 --> 00:12:29,293
Do you have any experience
with animals?
310
00:12:29,318 --> 00:12:31,133
Uh, a bat
landed on my face once.
311
00:12:31,157 --> 00:12:32,757
Hey, you know what,
he's not a rack of ribs,
312
00:12:32,792 --> 00:12:35,543
so stop grilling him.
313
00:12:36,185 --> 00:12:37,066
Nailed it.
314
00:12:37,096 --> 00:12:38,628
Ribs are better smoked
than grilled,
315
00:12:38,646 --> 00:12:40,873
so un-nailed it, with
the back part of the hammer.
316
00:12:40,915 --> 00:12:42,871
How many more questions
are there gonna be?
317
00:12:42,914 --> 00:12:44,294
Jamm said
if I got my teeth whitened,
318
00:12:44,313 --> 00:12:46,274
- I'd just get the gig.
- Uh, ga ga ga--ho.
319
00:12:46,299 --> 00:12:48,388
Hold up, that's enough.
Thank you, you're done.
320
00:12:48,419 --> 00:12:49,906
You did a heck of a job,
Vernie.
321
00:12:49,988 --> 00:12:51,339
Thanks, Jimbo.
322
00:12:51,411 --> 00:12:53,905
Not bad, right? I mean,
if he can catch raccoons
323
00:12:53,923 --> 00:12:56,536
as well as he can teach
six-year-olds to pop and lock,
324
00:12:56,699 --> 00:12:57,862
he's a home run.
325
00:12:57,889 --> 00:12:59,573
That is an insane statement.
326
00:12:59,627 --> 00:13:02,196
Well,
I don't see anyone better.
327
00:13:03,536 --> 00:13:06,668
April, I got a present for you.
328
00:13:06,699 --> 00:13:08,458
I don't like lotion.
I like my hands
329
00:13:08,483 --> 00:13:10,810
to be cracked and calloused
like a railway worker.
330
00:13:10,835 --> 00:13:13,232
I know. I filled the bottles
with fake blood,
331
00:13:13,273 --> 00:13:14,406
vinegar, and mud.
332
00:13:14,416 --> 00:13:17,482
- Really? Thanks.
- On an unrelated note,
333
00:13:17,501 --> 00:13:18,996
do you remember
all those candidates
334
00:13:19,012 --> 00:13:21,263
we were interviewing
for the Animal Control job
335
00:13:21,297 --> 00:13:22,996
and how they were all
total losers
336
00:13:23,014 --> 00:13:24,377
who didn't care about animals?
337
00:13:24,393 --> 00:13:25,952
Except for Jerry,
who was great,
338
00:13:25,971 --> 00:13:27,746
but who we had to pass on
for other reasons.
339
00:13:27,795 --> 00:13:29,363
I was just happy
to be considered.
340
00:13:29,375 --> 00:13:32,794
Anyhoo, I nominated you
for the position,
341
00:13:32,807 --> 00:13:34,791
and your confirmation hearing
is in three minutes.
342
00:13:34,817 --> 00:13:36,851
- Surprise.
- No, I don't want the job.
343
00:13:36,886 --> 00:13:38,361
You can have
your mud and blood back.
344
00:13:38,394 --> 00:13:40,288
April, please,
you will be so good at it.
345
00:13:40,300 --> 00:13:41,676
You are so good with animals.
346
00:13:41,701 --> 00:13:43,126
Even if I wanted the job,
I don't want to do
347
00:13:43,153 --> 00:13:44,921
the stupid
confirmation hearing, okay?
348
00:13:44,945 --> 00:13:46,780
Stupid councilmen
asking me stupid questions
349
00:13:46,811 --> 00:13:48,294
about my stupid life--
it seems stupid.
350
00:13:48,319 --> 00:13:50,758
No, it's easy--they'll just
ask you a few questions.
351
00:13:51,001 --> 00:13:52,486
Let's practice.
What's your name?
352
00:13:52,536 --> 00:13:54,119
Batman.
See? I failed.
353
00:13:54,181 --> 00:13:55,849
I will be there
to help you, okay?
354
00:13:55,882 --> 00:13:57,055
I will be your Pocahontas.
355
00:13:57,074 --> 00:13:59,574
Climb into my papoose.
Please do this.
356
00:13:59,626 --> 00:14:01,455
Please, please.
Do it. Do it. Do it.
357
00:14:01,467 --> 00:14:02,630
- Do it. You're gonna do it.
- Okay.
358
00:14:02,655 --> 00:14:05,085
- Yes! Yay!
- But only if you divorce Ben.
359
00:14:05,141 --> 00:14:06,416
Hey, don't even joke
about that.
360
00:14:06,444 --> 00:14:08,895
What? I really think
he's wrong for you.
361
00:14:10,876 --> 00:14:13,456
We now resume the confirmation
proceedings
362
00:14:13,476 --> 00:14:15,828
for director of
the Animal Control Department.
363
00:14:15,840 --> 00:14:19,455
Okay. Let's tear this chick
a new one, shall we?
364
00:14:19,569 --> 00:14:22,218
Ms. Ludgate,
we have found many emails
365
00:14:22,243 --> 00:14:24,527
showing
how you sexually harassed
366
00:14:24,543 --> 00:14:25,985
Leslie Knope's assistant.
367
00:14:26,014 --> 00:14:28,208
Andy?
That's my husband.
368
00:14:28,226 --> 00:14:30,107
They were still
extremely graphic,
369
00:14:30,138 --> 00:14:31,994
and appreciated by all of us.
370
00:14:32,106 --> 00:14:34,902
I had never heard of several
of those terms, and I'm a freak.
371
00:14:34,910 --> 00:14:37,497
Those are personal.
No one's allowed to read those.
372
00:14:37,559 --> 00:14:39,539
You once posted
a video of yourself
373
00:14:39,558 --> 00:14:41,577
drinking alcohol in City Hall
374
00:14:41,590 --> 00:14:44,432
while you were still a minor.
How do you justify that?
375
00:14:44,476 --> 00:14:47,866
Easily.
Alcohol is delicious and fun...
376
00:14:47,885 --> 00:14:51,130
...Damentally a substance
that should not be abused.
377
00:14:51,136 --> 00:14:52,774
I agree, April.
Very good point.
378
00:14:52,809 --> 00:14:55,792
Wow. Ms. Ludgate,
are you a ventriloquist?
379
00:14:55,824 --> 00:14:57,496
I mean, that is amazing
how you make
380
00:14:57,508 --> 00:15:00,144
your words come out
of Ms. Knope's mouth.
381
00:15:00,165 --> 00:15:01,638
Would you like
to put her on your knee?
382
00:15:01,650 --> 00:15:03,169
I mean, that'd be really fun.
383
00:15:03,200 --> 00:15:04,506
Just three years ago,
you drove--
384
00:15:04,524 --> 00:15:05,508
She's not ready.
385
00:15:05,554 --> 00:15:07,258
Now, you've rushed her
into this,
386
00:15:07,289 --> 00:15:09,242
and now, Jamm's
sharpening the knives.
387
00:15:09,297 --> 00:15:12,249
Leslie, no one needs
to be Jammed today.
388
00:15:12,280 --> 00:15:15,168
Okay, all we need
is some kind of distraction.
389
00:15:15,362 --> 00:15:17,698
Grab that gavel
and break your other foot.
390
00:15:18,070 --> 00:15:19,535
I like the idea
of double the signings,
391
00:15:19,560 --> 00:15:21,129
but I think the negatives
outweigh the positives.
392
00:15:21,168 --> 00:15:23,149
Don't panic.
Maybe she can pull this off.
393
00:15:23,167 --> 00:15:24,951
I guess my first move
as director would be
394
00:15:24,975 --> 00:15:28,128
to fill your office, house,
and car with snakes,
395
00:15:28,159 --> 00:15:30,097
and then train a crow
to fly up your butt.
396
00:15:30,121 --> 00:15:33,078
Okay!
Let's take a brief recess.
397
00:15:33,644 --> 00:15:35,889
Well, well, well.
Look who's back.
398
00:15:35,914 --> 00:15:38,681
Thank you so much
for seeing us again, sir.
399
00:15:38,862 --> 00:15:41,531
We just came to apologize.
400
00:15:42,403 --> 00:15:43,878
Mr. Dennis Feinstein,
401
00:15:43,907 --> 00:15:46,582
let me just say,
from the bottom of my heart,
402
00:15:46,689 --> 00:15:47,895
my bad.
403
00:15:47,913 --> 00:15:49,233
I just started working here,
404
00:15:49,264 --> 00:15:52,077
and I really want to
do a good job,
405
00:15:52,488 --> 00:15:54,488
and I blew it.
406
00:15:56,727 --> 00:15:57,994
Thank you for saying that.
407
00:15:58,286 --> 00:15:59,774
Thought about it last night,
and I decided
408
00:15:59,799 --> 00:16:03,735
that if you came in here
and apologized to me like a man,
409
00:16:03,827 --> 00:16:06,239
that I would forgive you,
and that's what you've done,
410
00:16:06,251 --> 00:16:08,036
so you're forgiven.
411
00:16:08,125 --> 00:16:13,800
To that end, here is a check
for $25,000 for your charity.
412
00:16:13,824 --> 00:16:15,297
- Oh!
- Go out there
413
00:16:15,310 --> 00:16:17,111
and help some kids
with their pink eye,
414
00:16:17,139 --> 00:16:18,532
or whatever it is
you guys are doing.
415
00:16:18,550 --> 00:16:20,882
Mr. Feinstein, thank you.
This is extremely generous.
416
00:16:20,913 --> 00:16:22,787
It's nothing, really.
I'm happy to help.
417
00:16:22,821 --> 00:16:26,034
This check is made out
to "Go yourself."
418
00:16:26,059 --> 00:16:27,509
In your face!
419
00:16:27,537 --> 00:16:30,618
Dennis Feinstein helps no man!
420
00:16:30,709 --> 00:16:32,634
Get the hell out of my office!
421
00:16:32,640 --> 00:16:33,923
- Hey, what's your problem, man?
- Why did you make me
422
00:16:33,954 --> 00:16:35,037
- apologize to him?
- Guys, guys, just hold it--
423
00:16:35,053 --> 00:16:36,513
hold on a sec, okay?
424
00:16:36,779 --> 00:16:37,998
Mr. Feinstein,
425
00:16:38,078 --> 00:16:40,311
with all due respect...
426
00:16:40,827 --> 00:16:42,465
you are a major dick.
427
00:16:42,530 --> 00:16:43,581
- What?
- Run!
428
00:16:43,614 --> 00:16:46,108
- Eddie, get my crossbow.
- Crossbow? What the--
429
00:16:46,132 --> 00:16:48,489
You will pay for this!
430
00:16:49,112 --> 00:16:50,854
Hey, you look better.
431
00:16:50,892 --> 00:16:53,220
I guess actual medicine
can be effective.
432
00:16:53,269 --> 00:16:55,224
- Who'da thunk?
- Please leave me alone.
433
00:16:55,272 --> 00:16:57,171
Not until we go over
your test results
434
00:16:57,214 --> 00:16:58,321
and your blood work.
435
00:16:58,353 --> 00:17:00,180
Your blood pressure looks fine.
436
00:17:00,198 --> 00:17:02,968
I'm not sure how this is possible,
but your cholesterol is 120,
437
00:17:02,974 --> 00:17:04,349
which is the lowest
I've ever seen.
438
00:17:04,374 --> 00:17:05,554
What's "cholesterol"?
439
00:17:05,573 --> 00:17:08,384
And the only problem I see
is that your potassium's low,
440
00:17:08,409 --> 00:17:10,752
so just eat a banana
once in awhile.
441
00:17:10,880 --> 00:17:13,448
No, thank you.
I live the way I live,
442
00:17:13,466 --> 00:17:17,607
I eat the things I eat,
and I'll die the way I'll die.
443
00:17:17,756 --> 00:17:19,307
That's oddly beautiful...
444
00:17:19,545 --> 00:17:20,545
but also stupid.
445
00:17:20,605 --> 00:17:22,505
You're not alone in the world
anymore, Ron.
446
00:17:22,534 --> 00:17:26,737
You're dating a woman who has
two kids, so every three days,
447
00:17:26,771 --> 00:17:29,272
think about Ivy and Zoe
and Diane,
448
00:17:29,324 --> 00:17:32,004
and eat a damn banana.
449
00:17:35,620 --> 00:17:37,208
I am so sorry, April.
450
00:17:37,226 --> 00:17:39,860
You are doing terribly up there,
and it's all my fault.
451
00:17:39,866 --> 00:17:41,612
It's not you, it's me.
452
00:17:41,680 --> 00:17:44,090
- Are you breaking up with me?
- I'm breaking up with the idea
453
00:17:44,114 --> 00:17:46,332
of you being director
of Animal Control.
454
00:17:46,381 --> 00:17:48,264
I say we just
withdraw your application
455
00:17:48,283 --> 00:17:51,413
and let Vern become director.
He does have good teeth.
456
00:17:51,437 --> 00:17:52,876
No!
457
00:17:53,406 --> 00:17:56,605
All right, I have an idea.
Trust me.
458
00:17:56,724 --> 00:18:00,527
Ms. Ludgate, it is the opinion
of this committee
459
00:18:00,574 --> 00:18:02,488
that you are terrible.
460
00:18:02,581 --> 00:18:05,287
Can you give me even one reason
461
00:18:05,437 --> 00:18:07,416
why you're the right man
for this job?
462
00:18:07,468 --> 00:18:10,154
No.
But neither is your guy.
463
00:18:10,185 --> 00:18:12,010
Neither of us
should get the job.
464
00:18:12,085 --> 00:18:13,151
Oh, no?
Why is that?
465
00:18:13,175 --> 00:18:16,008
Well, there shouldn't be a separate
Animal Control Department.
466
00:18:16,039 --> 00:18:18,602
Its budget is tiny,
and it's ineffective,
467
00:18:18,620 --> 00:18:21,143
and frankly,
no one could change that.
468
00:18:21,167 --> 00:18:24,088
So I think it should be absorbed
into the Parks Department.
469
00:18:24,493 --> 00:18:26,256
That is a genius idea.
470
00:18:26,279 --> 00:18:28,616
Somebody wake up Milton.
History is being made.
471
00:18:28,703 --> 00:18:29,916
Iwo Jima!
472
00:18:29,954 --> 00:18:31,916
Animal Control would be
way more effective
473
00:18:31,928 --> 00:18:33,251
if it ran
through the Parks Department,
474
00:18:33,281 --> 00:18:35,950
and if you want, I can
write up an official report
475
00:18:35,962 --> 00:18:37,397
in language simple enough
476
00:18:37,416 --> 00:18:39,856
for even you dummies
to understand, dummies.
477
00:18:39,892 --> 00:18:41,339
Councilman,
you have to admit that
478
00:18:41,357 --> 00:18:42,603
that idea makes a lot of sense.
479
00:18:42,628 --> 00:18:44,881
Hang on a second.
You seem to be forgetting
480
00:18:44,894 --> 00:18:47,319
that I already told Vern
he got the job,
481
00:18:47,338 --> 00:18:48,960
and he already bought
a new speedboat.
482
00:18:49,002 --> 00:18:50,720
Well, I hope he kept a receipt.
483
00:18:50,839 --> 00:18:53,864
That was a brilliant idea
from a dark, tortured genius,
484
00:18:53,890 --> 00:18:57,837
and I move that Animal Control
be absorbed into Parks and Rec.
485
00:18:57,883 --> 00:18:59,389
I second that.
486
00:19:01,150 --> 00:19:02,367
Yay!
487
00:19:02,401 --> 00:19:05,207
Look at that, April.
You won over Jamm.
488
00:19:05,256 --> 00:19:06,284
Uh, no, she didn't.
489
00:19:06,303 --> 00:19:08,512
I'm just sick of being
on the losing side.
490
00:19:08,608 --> 00:19:11,714
I'm going to tell everyone
this was my idea.
491
00:19:12,034 --> 00:19:13,818
Retro-Jammed.
492
00:19:16,786 --> 00:19:19,060
What do we do now?
Can I apologize again?
493
00:19:19,090 --> 00:19:20,803
I'm getting really
at apologizing.
494
00:19:20,815 --> 00:19:23,868
Screw that. You should apologize
for apologizing to that guy.
495
00:19:23,930 --> 00:19:25,606
God, we really could've used
the money, though.
496
00:19:25,636 --> 00:19:27,649
Just wish we'd made
a bigger impression.
497
00:19:27,813 --> 00:19:29,913
You did--
I was really impressed
498
00:19:29,932 --> 00:19:31,352
by all the stuff
the foundation's done
499
00:19:31,364 --> 00:19:34,143
for all them poor homies,
so you know what?
500
00:19:34,213 --> 00:19:36,393
Rent-A-Swag is gonna
donate five cents
501
00:19:36,406 --> 00:19:38,366
from every dollar
we make this month.
502
00:19:38,422 --> 00:19:40,491
It's not Feinstein money,
but it'll help.
503
00:19:40,785 --> 00:19:42,166
That's very generous, Tom.
504
00:19:42,198 --> 00:19:44,620
Feinstein's the worst.
I hope he gets into an accident
505
00:19:44,644 --> 00:19:46,291
driving that Rolex Mobile.
506
00:19:46,323 --> 00:19:48,083
For the last time,
it's a Rolexus,
507
00:19:48,107 --> 00:19:49,729
and you can't drive it.
508
00:19:50,588 --> 00:19:53,747
April, I have a gift
for you. Ta da.
509
00:19:53,812 --> 00:19:56,614
At Leslie's suggestion,
I have made you deputy director
510
00:19:56,629 --> 00:19:58,931
of Animal Control
within the Parks Department.
511
00:19:58,949 --> 00:20:01,539
You'll be amazing at it,
and the best part,
512
00:20:01,563 --> 00:20:02,928
there is no
confirmation hearing.
513
00:20:02,971 --> 00:20:04,790
How did you make this plaque
so quickly?
514
00:20:04,806 --> 00:20:06,618
I had it made
your first week here.
515
00:20:06,691 --> 00:20:09,608
I knew you'd be going places,
so I wanted to be prepared.
516
00:20:10,755 --> 00:20:12,274
- Can I hire an intern?
- Not yet.
517
00:20:12,332 --> 00:20:13,856
- Can I hire a Mexican elf?
- No.
518
00:20:13,875 --> 00:20:15,553
- Can I buy a child bride?
- No.
519
00:20:15,579 --> 00:20:17,383
Then how is this even
a promotion?
520
00:20:17,439 --> 00:20:19,847
Government shouldn't operate
based on personal favors.
521
00:20:19,884 --> 00:20:22,203
It should operate
based on good ideas.
522
00:20:22,277 --> 00:20:25,327
April had the best idea,
and today the best idea won.
523
00:20:25,355 --> 00:20:27,379
Leslie, I really have to
go to the bathroom.
524
00:20:27,397 --> 00:20:29,168
Oh, yeah, right, sorry.
525
00:20:29,201 --> 00:20:30,258
You don't have to
come in with me.
526
00:20:30,279 --> 00:20:32,173
I wasn't going to.
527
00:20:33,180 --> 00:20:36,233
- Could you pick up the pace a little bit?
- Oh, yes, Miss Daisy.
528
00:20:36,543 --> 00:20:38,878
- Night, Ron.
- Night, Ron.
529
00:20:52,697 --> 00:20:55,098
Ladies, ladies.
530
00:21:16,368 --> 00:21:26,907
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther