1
00:00:05,108 --> 00:00:08,562
What the hell?
No, this is not happening.
2
00:00:08,587 --> 00:00:10,760
Didn't you get the memo?
It's Stairmageddon.
3
00:00:10,782 --> 00:00:11,425
[Claps]
4
00:00:11,450 --> 00:00:12,739
Come on, Stanley!
5
00:00:12,773 --> 00:00:15,415
Dwight is having maintenance
done on the elevator today,
6
00:00:15,425 --> 00:00:17,070
and he was really on top of it.
7
00:00:17,095 --> 00:00:18,258
Weeks ago, he started
8
00:00:18,276 --> 00:00:20,238
the Stairmageddon
awareness campaign.
9
00:00:20,305 --> 00:00:24,311
The idea was to get us prepared,
both mentally and physically,
10
00:00:24,329 --> 00:00:27,785
for a day that hopefully
comes once in 100 years.
11
00:00:28,289 --> 00:00:30,391
It's a "mageddon!"
12
00:00:30,691 --> 00:00:33,339
Come on!
Come on, Stanley.
13
00:00:33,358 --> 00:00:34,525
- Stay in it!
- [Growls]
14
00:00:34,585 --> 00:00:37,869
I put 17 damn years
into this company,
15
00:00:37,994 --> 00:00:41,117
and now they're making me
climb stair mountain!
16
00:00:41,219 --> 00:00:41,963
Come on!
17
00:00:41,987 --> 00:00:45,135
Our office has an
unusually large number of
18
00:00:45,411 --> 00:00:46,805
unusually large people.
19
00:00:46,822 --> 00:00:50,112
- This is an abomination.
- Come on. You got this.
20
00:00:50,129 --> 00:00:53,426
So when something as routine
as elevator maintenance happens,
21
00:00:53,462 --> 00:00:56,614
and people are forced to expend
cardiovascular effort,
22
00:00:56,707 --> 00:00:59,425
we have to compare it
to the end of time.
23
00:00:59,579 --> 00:01:02,564
[Cheerful music]
24
00:01:02,772 --> 00:01:08,772
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther
25
00:01:09,428 --> 00:01:11,729
[Muffled]
Red alert! Red alert!
26
00:01:11,763 --> 00:01:14,699
The reviews are in!
I repeat, the reviews are in.
27
00:01:14,723 --> 00:01:15,346
What?
28
00:01:15,358 --> 00:01:16,738
I just got a text
from my brother.
29
00:01:16,750 --> 00:01:18,633
Scrantontimestribune.com.
30
00:01:18,678 --> 00:01:20,128
- There's a review of the documentary.
- [Gasps]
31
00:01:20,150 --> 00:01:22,188
- What does it say?
- I don't know, Phyllis.
32
00:01:22,215 --> 00:01:24,400
I just got the text and started
screaming, "Red alert."
33
00:01:24,425 --> 00:01:26,353
Well, the alert
was already set to "red"
34
00:01:26,371 --> 00:01:27,605
because of Stairmageddon.
35
00:01:27,652 --> 00:01:29,442
You think I should
set it to "double red"?
36
00:01:29,542 --> 00:01:31,373
I think we should.
37
00:01:32,570 --> 00:01:33,858
[Groans]
38
00:01:34,177 --> 00:01:35,908
"The Office:
An American workplace
39
00:01:35,933 --> 00:01:38,773
"airing on PBS next month
is a documentary following
40
00:01:38,798 --> 00:01:41,376
the employees of Scranton's own
Dunder Mifflin paper company!"
41
00:01:41,400 --> 00:01:43,266
Whoo!
[Applause]
42
00:01:43,952 --> 00:01:46,768
"In this series,
which will air starting in May,
43
00:01:46,917 --> 00:01:48,505
"we get an in-depth look
44
00:01:48,535 --> 00:01:51,610
"at many interesting
local people.
45
00:01:51,651 --> 00:01:55,239
"There's Kevin Malone,
the Falstaffian accountant.
46
00:01:55,271 --> 00:01:58,024
"Dwight Schrute,
the head salesman
47
00:01:58,036 --> 00:02:01,649
forever chasing a manager
position he will never get."
48
00:02:01,888 --> 00:02:04,665
What does Josh McAuliffe
know about the paper business?
49
00:02:04,683 --> 00:02:06,549
He works for a news...
50
00:02:06,703 --> 00:02:08,070
thing.
51
00:02:08,242 --> 00:02:11,635
"Andy Bernard,
the rudderless trust fund
52
00:02:11,653 --> 00:02:14,117
"child-slash-middle manager,
53
00:02:14,226 --> 00:02:16,255
"whose incompetence
is emblematic
54
00:02:16,280 --> 00:02:18,330
of a declining
American economy."
55
00:02:18,376 --> 00:02:20,670
Ouch.
Sorry, Andy, that's--
56
00:02:20,705 --> 00:02:23,204
It's okay. [Chuckles]
The hell does he know?
57
00:02:23,222 --> 00:02:26,711
"A possible explanation
for his lack of career focus
58
00:02:26,741 --> 00:02:29,809
is his surprising
musical talent."
59
00:02:30,366 --> 00:02:32,145
- I want you to print that out for me.
- I will.
60
00:02:32,168 --> 00:02:34,799
Now that this documentary
is coming out,
61
00:02:34,817 --> 00:02:37,015
my days at Dunder Mifflin
are probably limited.
62
00:02:37,033 --> 00:02:39,513
And you know what? Good.
63
00:02:39,820 --> 00:02:42,461
Because this is not what
I wanted to do with my life.
64
00:02:42,755 --> 00:02:45,355
I wanted to be
my generation's Lisa Loeb.
65
00:02:45,505 --> 00:02:46,889
"Though it mostly focuses
66
00:02:46,904 --> 00:02:49,017
"on the daily realities
of office life,
67
00:02:49,050 --> 00:02:50,800
"a lurid subplot reveals
68
00:02:50,818 --> 00:02:53,050
"the hypocrisy
of a local public figure
69
00:02:53,067 --> 00:02:56,731
embroiled in a gay affair
while preaching family values."
70
00:02:56,933 --> 00:02:59,520
Oh.
Which public figure?
71
00:03:00,029 --> 00:03:02,342
I bet it's Katie Couric.
I've been saying this for years.
72
00:03:02,423 --> 00:03:06,275
No, I think they mean
more like a politician.
73
00:03:08,808 --> 00:03:11,376
[Stanley grunting, wheezing]
74
00:03:11,647 --> 00:03:13,932
You own the building.
75
00:03:13,950 --> 00:03:16,463
Why can't you fix the elevator
in the middle of the night?
76
00:03:16,492 --> 00:03:19,043
Who do I look like,
Jackie Joyner-Kersee?
77
00:03:19,071 --> 00:03:22,321
Well, I did say
it would be an inconvenience.
78
00:03:22,517 --> 00:03:25,115
You should've called me from downstairs.
We could've met in the lobby.
79
00:03:25,165 --> 00:03:26,618
It's time to go out on a sale!
80
00:03:26,710 --> 00:03:28,274
- Here we go.
- Son, you've lost your mind.
81
00:03:28,299 --> 00:03:30,774
I'm not going anywhere
until you fix my elevator.
82
00:03:30,800 --> 00:03:32,783
The buyer
is your sister's friend.
83
00:03:32,801 --> 00:03:34,091
This is the printing paper
84
00:03:34,122 --> 00:03:36,832
for the entire school district
of Lackawanna.
85
00:03:36,909 --> 00:03:39,369
You are coming,
and that's an order.
86
00:03:39,387 --> 00:03:42,160
You are not my damn boss
and you never will be!
87
00:03:42,211 --> 00:03:43,104
Guess what?
88
00:03:43,138 --> 00:03:44,897
Never gonna happen!
89
00:03:44,946 --> 00:03:48,419
Pete, iced tea.
Three sugars, five creams.
90
00:03:48,567 --> 00:03:50,216
Your morning 3x5.
91
00:03:50,241 --> 00:03:52,260
Coming right up.
92
00:03:53,680 --> 00:03:54,930
Well, we won't be late.
93
00:03:54,956 --> 00:03:57,219
I love you, mom.
Thanks.
94
00:03:58,061 --> 00:04:00,258
Oh, your mom's
watching the kids tonight.
95
00:04:00,299 --> 00:04:01,902
So what are you two up to?
[Chuckles]
96
00:04:01,921 --> 00:04:04,245
Oh, um, Embassy suites.
97
00:04:04,278 --> 00:04:05,673
"Do not disturb" sign
on the door.
98
00:04:05,686 --> 00:04:07,891
- Mommy and daddy are on the floor.
- [Laughs]
99
00:04:07,915 --> 00:04:09,371
I wish.
100
00:04:09,450 --> 00:04:10,383
What, then?
101
00:04:10,775 --> 00:04:13,791
Oh, nothing that exciting.
102
00:04:19,931 --> 00:04:21,699
Marriage counseling?
103
00:04:21,734 --> 00:04:22,887
Hmm.
104
00:04:22,937 --> 00:04:25,262
Did you know that is
the only kind of counseling
105
00:04:25,280 --> 00:04:26,973
I have never had?
106
00:04:27,038 --> 00:04:28,690
You know, Jim's kind of
nervous about it,
107
00:04:28,708 --> 00:04:30,403
but I think it could
really help.
108
00:04:30,421 --> 00:04:31,898
Mmm.
I mean, we're having issues.
109
00:04:31,917 --> 00:04:34,117
It can't hurt to talk
about them, right?
110
00:04:40,109 --> 00:04:41,009
Hey, Toby.
111
00:04:41,029 --> 00:04:43,047
Um, I wanted
to ask you a question.
112
00:04:43,072 --> 00:04:44,617
Oh, sure.
113
00:04:44,708 --> 00:04:46,271
It's a little, uh, personal.
114
00:04:46,284 --> 00:04:48,295
Let's do it.
Let's get personal.
115
00:04:48,414 --> 00:04:49,733
I wanted to talk to you
about your divorce.
116
00:04:49,757 --> 00:04:51,188
Whoa.
117
00:04:51,513 --> 00:04:53,863
Sorry. I-- no, no, no,
what I meant--what I meant--
118
00:04:53,895 --> 00:04:56,636
Oh, yeah, no, it's okay.
I can handle it.
119
00:04:56,793 --> 00:04:58,593
Um, so...
120
00:04:58,691 --> 00:05:00,483
you guys obviously
went through some tough times
121
00:05:00,502 --> 00:05:02,389
- leading up to it.
- [Chuckles, snorts]
122
00:05:02,498 --> 00:05:03,991
Okay.
123
00:05:04,228 --> 00:05:07,205
I was wondering if you
ever did any couples counseling?
124
00:05:07,304 --> 00:05:09,564
Oh, sure,
lots of times. Yeah.
125
00:05:10,517 --> 00:05:13,317
Wait, you and Pam aren't
in couples counseling, are you?
126
00:05:13,992 --> 00:05:15,059
Oh, God.
127
00:05:15,086 --> 00:05:16,030
No, no, no, no, no.
128
00:05:16,055 --> 00:05:19,730
Uh, we're just starting
couples counseling.
129
00:05:19,997 --> 00:05:23,635
Uh, which doesn't
sound any better.
130
00:05:24,071 --> 00:05:26,219
Oh, you guys.
131
00:05:26,637 --> 00:05:27,882
Kelly called it.
132
00:05:27,901 --> 00:05:29,368
2013.
133
00:05:29,888 --> 00:05:31,032
So s--hey!
134
00:05:31,056 --> 00:05:33,824
Hey, hey, no! No.
Get outta here.
135
00:05:33,877 --> 00:05:35,276
- Clark, get outta here.
- My mistake.
136
00:05:35,294 --> 00:05:37,054
Yes, it is your mistake.
137
00:05:37,085 --> 00:05:39,625
He's lingering.
So annoying.
138
00:05:40,110 --> 00:05:41,744
I'm gonna kill him.
139
00:05:42,229 --> 00:05:44,473
- How can I help? I'm here.
- That's all right.
140
00:05:45,274 --> 00:05:46,891
Hello, William Morris Agency.
141
00:05:46,913 --> 00:05:48,473
I need to speak
with your best agent
142
00:05:48,479 --> 00:05:50,440
who represents
your biggest stars.
143
00:05:50,631 --> 00:05:52,390
Yes, I'll hold.
144
00:05:53,344 --> 00:05:56,802
I'm sorry.
I misunderstood. Good-bye.
145
00:06:03,983 --> 00:06:06,069
Thank you, Stan.
146
00:06:06,371 --> 00:06:08,672
Oh, honey.
147
00:06:09,544 --> 00:06:12,460
Look, I just want our life
to get back to normal.
148
00:06:12,490 --> 00:06:14,433
Ribbon cuttings, charity balls.
149
00:06:14,452 --> 00:06:17,427
Don't worry, I've scheduled a press
conference for later today.
150
00:06:17,480 --> 00:06:20,065
We just need to face
the cameras together.
151
00:06:20,099 --> 00:06:23,173
A beloved public servant
and his devoted wife.
152
00:06:23,319 --> 00:06:24,682
And move on.
153
00:06:24,800 --> 00:06:27,030
All right,
if I have to be the good wife,
154
00:06:27,067 --> 00:06:29,093
I'll be the best damn wife
there is.
155
00:06:29,269 --> 00:06:32,083
Correction. Best darn wife.
156
00:06:32,116 --> 00:06:34,762
Sorry.
I'm a better wife than that.
157
00:06:35,346 --> 00:06:36,413
[Sighs]
158
00:06:36,446 --> 00:06:38,601
Andy--[Knocks]
I need to talk to you.
159
00:06:38,620 --> 00:06:39,970
Yeah, come on in.
160
00:06:40,005 --> 00:06:42,218
I'm just on hold
with another talent agency.
161
00:06:42,244 --> 00:06:43,191
It's insane.
162
00:06:43,209 --> 00:06:46,134
This promo with me playing banjo
has 250 views already.
163
00:06:46,261 --> 00:06:48,178
And every time I click,
there's more.
164
00:06:48,250 --> 00:06:49,384
251.
165
00:06:49,558 --> 00:06:51,010
252.
I can't even keep up!
166
00:06:51,035 --> 00:06:53,250
Stanley is refusing
to go out on a sales call.
167
00:06:53,551 --> 00:06:55,019
[Grunts]
168
00:06:55,038 --> 00:06:56,935
I hate people!
169
00:06:56,971 --> 00:06:58,832
Why do they never do
what you need them to do?
170
00:06:58,859 --> 00:07:00,188
Stanley has to go.
That's final.
171
00:07:00,273 --> 00:07:01,573
So what I'm hearing you say is,
172
00:07:01,585 --> 00:07:04,180
"Make Stanley go out on the sales call
by whatever means possible"?
173
00:07:04,205 --> 00:07:05,768
Yes!
174
00:07:06,340 --> 00:07:08,071
I'm sorry I'm being curt, it's just
175
00:07:08,122 --> 00:07:10,096
I'm about to land
a top talent agent.
176
00:07:10,102 --> 00:07:12,521
Mm-hmm. Good luck.
177
00:07:13,050 --> 00:07:15,069
Directory?
178
00:07:15,699 --> 00:07:18,091
Movie star department.
179
00:07:18,572 --> 00:07:21,040
Back. Directory.
180
00:07:21,357 --> 00:07:23,775
For five years I've held
my instincts in check
181
00:07:23,787 --> 00:07:25,587
because I wanted
to be made manager.
182
00:07:26,789 --> 00:07:30,295
Maybe it's time for me
to just let that thought go.
183
00:07:30,589 --> 00:07:33,566
It's kind of painful,
but it's also freeing in a way.
184
00:07:33,777 --> 00:07:37,017
Now it's all
about my instincts.
185
00:07:41,114 --> 00:07:42,114
Hey, Dwight.
186
00:07:42,165 --> 00:07:43,640
Stanley,
187
00:07:43,759 --> 00:07:45,103
one way or another,
188
00:07:45,151 --> 00:07:47,398
you are gonna come with me
to make this sale.
189
00:07:47,515 --> 00:07:48,553
Pass.
190
00:07:48,578 --> 00:07:51,466
Hey, c-can you just let me out of here
before whatever comes next?
191
00:07:51,498 --> 00:07:53,293
Don't worry,
it's just a bull tranquilizer.
192
00:07:53,318 --> 00:07:54,356
Nothing to be alarmed about.
193
00:07:54,387 --> 00:07:57,167
It's just a man pointing a bull
tranquilizer at a coworker.
194
00:07:57,254 --> 00:08:00,350
Dwight,
you do not learn, do you?
195
00:08:00,549 --> 00:08:03,183
For a threat to be credible,
you ha--
196
00:08:03,213 --> 00:08:04,797
Holy shit.
197
00:08:05,072 --> 00:08:07,061
No, you didn't.
198
00:08:07,081 --> 00:08:09,975
Sick of you and your--ooh--
[Tranquilizer gun fires]
199
00:08:10,758 --> 00:08:12,675
[Thud]
200
00:08:15,765 --> 00:08:17,849
It's all right.
Andy approved it.
201
00:08:19,060 --> 00:08:21,735
Man, he's really in Twinkle Town now.
202
00:08:21,804 --> 00:08:23,355
Is he gonna be okay?
203
00:08:23,568 --> 00:08:26,114
I mean, weren't those darts
intended for an animal, like,
204
00:08:26,213 --> 00:08:28,417
two to three times
larger than him?
205
00:08:28,447 --> 00:08:31,553
Okay, this dosage was meant
for a very small bull,
206
00:08:31,584 --> 00:08:33,508
and Stanley's got way more
body fat than they do.
207
00:08:33,546 --> 00:08:35,642
- You gave him three shots.
- Shh.
208
00:08:37,162 --> 00:08:38,938
Got about 45 minutes
209
00:08:38,956 --> 00:08:40,843
to get him to the client
before he comes to.
210
00:08:40,913 --> 00:08:43,305
Grab his feet.
[Grunts]
211
00:08:44,595 --> 00:08:46,462
- Let's go. Move it!
- All right.
212
00:08:46,620 --> 00:08:48,678
One, two, three.
213
00:08:49,401 --> 00:08:50,301
[Grunts]
214
00:08:50,320 --> 00:08:51,691
He's like a manatee.
215
00:08:51,753 --> 00:08:54,229
Ready? Let's go again.
Come on.
216
00:08:54,441 --> 00:08:55,472
We can do this.
217
00:08:55,503 --> 00:08:58,049
One, two, three!
218
00:08:58,141 --> 00:08:58,786
[Thumps]
219
00:08:58,810 --> 00:09:00,794
Oh, God.
220
00:09:00,866 --> 00:09:03,645
No wonder my elevator cables
are under such strain.
221
00:09:03,680 --> 00:09:05,601
We gotta get a wheelbarrow
or something.
222
00:09:05,962 --> 00:09:07,157
Yes.
223
00:09:07,686 --> 00:09:09,053
[Grunts]
224
00:09:09,133 --> 00:09:12,235
Okay. We're good.
We're good. Let's go.
225
00:09:12,266 --> 00:09:13,758
Oh, my God.
226
00:09:14,650 --> 00:09:16,968
- Push.
- I am!
227
00:09:18,379 --> 00:09:19,898
Any good weekend plans?
228
00:09:19,916 --> 00:09:21,583
- I might see a movie.
- Nice.
229
00:09:21,602 --> 00:09:22,685
What about you?
230
00:09:22,724 --> 00:09:24,142
Uh, I don't know yet.
231
00:09:24,168 --> 00:09:25,970
- [Grunts] Let's take him--
- I was thinking about...
232
00:09:26,063 --> 00:09:28,583
Let's go right to the top
of the stairs, okay?
233
00:09:28,614 --> 00:09:30,539
And then what?
234
00:09:31,183 --> 00:09:32,696
Okay, listen.
235
00:09:33,151 --> 00:09:34,569
I'm kind of embarrassed
to admit this,
236
00:09:34,596 --> 00:09:37,529
but I've never actually
done this before.
237
00:09:38,298 --> 00:09:41,531
Well, if I may,
you're a natural.
238
00:09:41,849 --> 00:09:42,860
Thank you.
239
00:09:42,878 --> 00:09:45,847
I mean, I've rehearsed it in my head,
like, 1,000 times, but, uh...
240
00:09:45,875 --> 00:09:47,583
That's a little weird.
241
00:09:47,676 --> 00:09:50,288
I know. Evel Knievel.
242
00:09:58,708 --> 00:10:00,483
That's about as good
as that's gonna be.
243
00:10:00,513 --> 00:10:02,271
Okay, now here's the plan.
244
00:10:02,288 --> 00:10:03,151
I'm gonna launch him.
245
00:10:03,170 --> 00:10:05,297
I need you to go down
to the bottom and catch him.
246
00:10:05,320 --> 00:10:06,553
- Catch?
- Yeah.
247
00:10:06,565 --> 00:10:08,408
I can't catch him,
he's, like, 250 pounds.
248
00:10:08,427 --> 00:10:11,221
You use your hands and just
blunt his descent, okay?
249
00:10:11,233 --> 00:10:12,839
- He's gonna be moving slowly. It's only--
- Blunt?
250
00:10:12,864 --> 00:10:15,843
it's 15 feet down,
it's at a 45-degree angle.
251
00:10:15,861 --> 00:10:18,298
Get set in your haunches, it's
like your catching a medicine--
252
00:10:18,311 --> 00:10:19,717
Dude,
the size of my haunches--
253
00:10:19,731 --> 00:10:21,608
[Thumps]
254
00:10:23,358 --> 00:10:24,417
Okay,
255
00:10:24,961 --> 00:10:25,805
good call.
256
00:10:25,823 --> 00:10:28,729
He would have put a hole in your chest
same as he put a hole in that wall.
257
00:10:28,756 --> 00:10:31,924
We should probably call
a doctor or something, dude.
258
00:10:37,119 --> 00:10:38,152
You okay?
259
00:10:38,182 --> 00:10:40,319
So how does it work?
Is it like, you know,
260
00:10:40,338 --> 00:10:43,769
the action of talking to a third party
breaks up the log jam, or...
261
00:10:43,868 --> 00:10:45,808
You're really there
to talk to each other.
262
00:10:45,894 --> 00:10:49,209
I would say that the therapist
is more of a facilitator.
263
00:10:49,238 --> 00:10:50,550
Mm-hmm.
264
00:10:50,750 --> 00:10:53,134
He might start
by asking each of you,
265
00:10:53,183 --> 00:10:54,901
"Why do you
think you're here?"
266
00:10:55,064 --> 00:10:57,602
He took this job in Philly
without telling me.
267
00:10:57,757 --> 00:11:00,025
He bought our house
without telling me.
268
00:11:00,084 --> 00:11:02,803
At a certain point, he shouldn't
be rewarded for that.
269
00:11:03,009 --> 00:11:05,986
If I didn't do certain things
without telling Pam,
270
00:11:06,023 --> 00:11:09,903
she'd be married to Roy...
[Chuckles]
271
00:11:10,566 --> 00:11:12,987
I feel like he's always making
these decisions for the family,
272
00:11:13,006 --> 00:11:15,215
and then I'm left
playing catch-up.
273
00:11:15,484 --> 00:11:17,834
If she can just hang on
for a little while longer,
274
00:11:17,858 --> 00:11:20,403
I--this will be so huge
for our family.
275
00:11:21,314 --> 00:11:23,445
Well, what's a little while?
276
00:11:24,318 --> 00:11:26,012
- What do you mean?
- I mean,
277
00:11:26,412 --> 00:11:27,681
what's the end date?
278
00:11:27,699 --> 00:11:30,553
It must be really hard for her
to sign on to be unhappy
279
00:11:30,565 --> 00:11:33,033
if she doesn't know
when it's gonna end.
280
00:11:33,083 --> 00:11:36,011
That's kind of
an impossible question.
281
00:11:40,336 --> 00:11:42,477
Oh, guys, it's starting!
Hurry!
282
00:11:45,173 --> 00:11:47,140
Ooh, there's Angela.
283
00:11:47,423 --> 00:11:48,602
I work with her.
284
00:11:48,621 --> 00:11:50,190
Huh. Yeah.
[Chuckles]
285
00:11:50,268 --> 00:11:54,048
I mean, I'm happy Angela's
the first one getting famous, but...
286
00:11:55,098 --> 00:11:56,586
it's a little weird, no?
287
00:11:56,641 --> 00:11:57,921
I mean, she can't sing or act,
288
00:11:57,946 --> 00:12:00,016
so it's actually
kind of insane,
289
00:12:00,048 --> 00:12:01,292
if you think about it.
290
00:12:01,331 --> 00:12:02,644
Her hair looks beautiful.
291
00:12:02,656 --> 00:12:03,858
Yeah, we get it, Phyllis,
292
00:12:03,876 --> 00:12:06,221
she looks like
a freakin' movie star!
293
00:12:07,087 --> 00:12:08,669
Andy.
294
00:12:09,249 --> 00:12:11,484
I would just like
to start by saying
295
00:12:11,505 --> 00:12:15,982
that there have been some rumors
about my personal life
296
00:12:16,317 --> 00:12:19,400
that I would like to settle
once and for all.
297
00:12:19,615 --> 00:12:22,588
As my long-suffering wife
can attest...
298
00:12:23,491 --> 00:12:24,808
I am gay.
299
00:12:24,841 --> 00:12:26,498
[Surprised chatter]
300
00:12:26,523 --> 00:12:29,859
Senator, were you always gay,
or did your wife turn you gay?
301
00:12:30,076 --> 00:12:32,108
Question
for the senator's beard.
302
00:12:33,470 --> 00:12:37,070
I'll say it again
for mis amigos latinos,
303
00:12:37,156 --> 00:12:40,700
- yo soy homosexual.
- Poor Angela.
304
00:12:40,918 --> 00:12:43,186
[Chuckles]
Yeah. Poor Angela.
305
00:12:43,633 --> 00:12:45,274
I once believed
that a gay person
306
00:12:45,293 --> 00:12:47,184
could be somewhat straight.
307
00:12:47,445 --> 00:12:50,614
It wasn't until
my marriage to Angela
308
00:12:51,054 --> 00:12:53,313
that I realized how...
309
00:12:53,816 --> 00:12:56,385
charmless
I find the female body.
310
00:12:56,416 --> 00:12:58,577
Ooh. Always hurts
to hear that one.
311
00:12:59,074 --> 00:13:01,798
There's someone else
I need to thank.
312
00:13:02,256 --> 00:13:05,012
His name is Oscar Martinez.
313
00:13:05,151 --> 00:13:06,459
Come on.
314
00:13:06,545 --> 00:13:10,597
Oscar is the one who opened
my eyes to who I really am.
315
00:13:11,772 --> 00:13:13,986
Oscar is with the senator too?
316
00:13:14,096 --> 00:13:17,985
Yes! And I knew it
the whole time.
317
00:13:18,085 --> 00:13:22,132
I kept the secret.
I kept the secret so good.
318
00:13:22,223 --> 00:13:24,586
You didn't know,
you didn't know,
319
00:13:24,651 --> 00:13:26,464
and you didn't freaking know.
320
00:13:26,503 --> 00:13:28,198
But I knew!
321
00:13:28,222 --> 00:13:30,582
- He knew!
- Yes! We did it.
322
00:13:30,607 --> 00:13:31,882
You did it, Kevin.
323
00:13:31,914 --> 00:13:33,565
Yes!
324
00:13:33,675 --> 00:13:34,930
Oh!
325
00:13:34,972 --> 00:13:36,518
I did it.
326
00:13:37,186 --> 00:13:38,380
I did it.
327
00:13:38,399 --> 00:13:40,571
With this
new self-awareness,
328
00:13:40,604 --> 00:13:44,788
I was finally able
to find love at long last.
329
00:13:44,911 --> 00:13:47,313
With my amazing...
330
00:13:47,825 --> 00:13:50,567
Chief of Staff Wesley Silver.
331
00:13:50,636 --> 00:13:53,436
- What?
- Wesley Silver's gay?
332
00:13:53,910 --> 00:13:56,116
[Surprised chatter]
[Gasps]
333
00:13:57,036 --> 00:13:59,087
- They make a nice couple.
- [Gags]
334
00:13:59,121 --> 00:14:01,505
[Both grunting]
335
00:14:01,549 --> 00:14:04,632
Almost there.
Almost there.
336
00:14:05,666 --> 00:14:06,747
Okay.
337
00:14:06,772 --> 00:14:08,769
We're running late.
Let's get him inside.
338
00:14:08,788 --> 00:14:10,814
We can't just leave him
bubble wrapped like this.
339
00:14:10,845 --> 00:14:12,058
Are you kidding me?
340
00:14:12,089 --> 00:14:14,822
The bubble wrap is the only thing that's
stopping his suit from getting wrinkled.
341
00:14:14,840 --> 00:14:17,781
These meetings
are all about presentation.
342
00:14:18,457 --> 00:14:20,732
- That's actually really smart.
- Thank you.
343
00:14:20,757 --> 00:14:23,322
God, if only there was
any other use or situation
344
00:14:23,353 --> 00:14:24,728
for that kind of knowledge.
345
00:14:24,779 --> 00:14:25,798
Let's get him inside.
346
00:14:25,822 --> 00:14:27,575
Carla Fern is not
just an actor's agent.
347
00:14:27,593 --> 00:14:31,802
She does writers, directors,
travel, and real estate.
348
00:14:33,161 --> 00:14:34,861
Actor?
349
00:14:34,967 --> 00:14:36,067
Oh, no.
[Chuckles]
350
00:14:36,085 --> 00:14:37,720
Well, I have an act.
351
00:14:37,738 --> 00:14:39,466
Dog, cat, mouse.
352
00:14:39,572 --> 00:14:41,646
Yeah, wow, cool.
353
00:14:42,517 --> 00:14:45,048
Is it hard
to train them to do that?
354
00:14:45,172 --> 00:14:47,011
Eh, you go through
a lot of mice.
355
00:14:47,071 --> 00:14:49,719
It started by accident, actually,
as these things tend to do.
356
00:14:49,744 --> 00:14:50,995
You know,
I was setting down my cat,
357
00:14:51,020 --> 00:14:52,658
and I accidentally
put her on top of my dog,
358
00:14:52,677 --> 00:14:54,565
and I was, like,
so mad at myself at first.
359
00:14:54,583 --> 00:14:58,134
And then I was like, wait.
Wait a second.
360
00:14:59,293 --> 00:15:01,044
Does anything go
on top of the mouse?
361
00:15:01,201 --> 00:15:02,516
Yeah.
362
00:15:02,696 --> 00:15:05,277
- Little hat. Yeah.
- Aw, that's cute.
363
00:15:05,418 --> 00:15:06,567
What's the mouse's name?
364
00:15:06,592 --> 00:15:07,950
Eh, you know,
365
00:15:07,978 --> 00:15:10,776
it really doesn't
make sense to name the mice.
366
00:15:12,414 --> 00:15:14,782
They're kind of like
cannon fodder, you know?
367
00:15:14,842 --> 00:15:17,311
You're not one of those
PETA guys, are you?
368
00:15:17,912 --> 00:15:19,883
Oh, great.
369
00:15:19,939 --> 00:15:22,344
Hey, wait, wait, how--
how we doing this?
370
00:15:22,945 --> 00:15:25,731
Well, I'll grab the forelegs,
and you push his hindquarters.
371
00:15:25,753 --> 00:15:28,305
Just say "arms" and "legs,"
okay? That just--
372
00:15:28,332 --> 00:15:30,182
that's the vernacular
that I'm comfortable with.
373
00:15:30,200 --> 00:15:31,338
Fine, let's go.
374
00:15:31,928 --> 00:15:32,863
[Sighs]
375
00:15:32,888 --> 00:15:35,001
- Hoist his shank on three.
- What's a shank?
376
00:15:35,053 --> 00:15:36,113
It's by the tenderloin.
377
00:15:36,146 --> 00:15:39,330
Roll him, roll him, roll him.
Good. Good.
378
00:15:39,348 --> 00:15:41,175
Okay, careful, he's slouching.
379
00:15:41,193 --> 00:15:43,716
Okay, can you--
slouch him into the seat.
380
00:15:43,737 --> 00:15:44,544
[Grunts]
381
00:15:44,562 --> 00:15:46,662
Here. Go around, get the seatbelt.
382
00:15:46,693 --> 00:15:48,426
All right.
383
00:15:50,181 --> 00:15:53,010
- Got it?
- Yeah--yup.
384
00:15:54,922 --> 00:15:56,434
[Grunts]
385
00:15:57,748 --> 00:15:59,083
Get in the back.
386
00:15:59,136 --> 00:16:00,858
- What?
- Get in the back.
387
00:16:00,932 --> 00:16:02,923
- Aw, come on.
- Get in.
388
00:16:02,975 --> 00:16:04,243
Damn it.
389
00:16:09,590 --> 00:16:11,200
Okay, Stanley?
390
00:16:11,282 --> 00:16:13,977
Do you understand
what we're about to do?
391
00:16:14,077 --> 00:16:16,785
- Hello.
- Okay, we--hey.
392
00:16:16,803 --> 00:16:18,662
Hey, listen, listen.
393
00:16:18,728 --> 00:16:22,102
We are going to go discuss
paper contracts
394
00:16:22,321 --> 00:16:25,198
for city of Lackawanna
public schools, okay?
395
00:16:25,310 --> 00:16:27,806
- Pigeons.
- Oh, God, this is bad.
396
00:16:27,846 --> 00:16:29,790
Looks like we've got no choice.
397
00:16:30,071 --> 00:16:33,718
You, my friend, are going to
have to be Stanley Hudson.
398
00:16:35,127 --> 00:16:38,300
Isn't the client, like,
best friends with his sister?
399
00:16:39,190 --> 00:16:40,828
New plan, okay?
400
00:16:40,846 --> 00:16:43,252
We get him a cup of coffee
and we go back to the old plan.
401
00:16:43,290 --> 00:16:45,208
Let's go. Gimme a hand.
402
00:16:45,243 --> 00:16:46,758
Here we go.
Come on, Stanley!
403
00:16:46,802 --> 00:16:49,268
Here we go. Upsie-doozie.
There we go.
404
00:16:49,324 --> 00:16:52,450
Okay, all right.
Come on, big guy.
405
00:16:52,463 --> 00:16:54,197
You can walk, right?
Yeah. [Laughs]
406
00:16:54,216 --> 00:16:56,041
What a pretty smile.
Let's go.
407
00:16:56,087 --> 00:16:59,729
I'm sure Athlead
will be a huge success.
408
00:17:00,218 --> 00:17:01,801
But I don't want him
to do it anymore,
409
00:17:01,820 --> 00:17:06,065
and I don't want to give him an ultimatum,
but I am not moving our family to Philly.
410
00:17:06,304 --> 00:17:08,999
Well, if Pam says
she won't go, then--[Chuckles]
411
00:17:09,168 --> 00:17:10,856
We're gonna need
a lot more than counseling.
412
00:17:10,868 --> 00:17:12,344
Hmph.
413
00:17:14,532 --> 00:17:16,322
That was exhausting.
414
00:17:16,374 --> 00:17:18,242
Blah blah blah blah.
415
00:17:18,337 --> 00:17:19,587
Jim.
416
00:17:19,851 --> 00:17:21,396
- Well, they deserve each other, then.
- They do.
417
00:17:21,423 --> 00:17:22,829
- That they do.
- That is for sure.
418
00:17:22,858 --> 00:17:24,242
[Whispers] That they do.
419
00:17:31,147 --> 00:17:33,821
And for--oh, whoopsie daisy.
[Chuckles]
420
00:17:33,920 --> 00:17:35,333
Stanley, what is going on here?
421
00:17:35,377 --> 00:17:36,347
He's fine.
422
00:17:36,372 --> 00:17:38,775
- He gets carsick really easily.
- Driving.
423
00:17:38,799 --> 00:17:40,927
It's a long drive.
He was in the backseat.
424
00:17:41,055 --> 00:17:42,470
But right now
we're talking to Mrs. Davis
425
00:17:42,495 --> 00:17:44,971
about the full range
of the products that we offer
426
00:17:45,097 --> 00:17:47,599
and our competitive rates,
right, Stanley?
427
00:17:48,399 --> 00:17:50,998
Ooh-hoo,
look at that baby...
428
00:17:51,029 --> 00:17:54,841
- Stanley.
- Oh...
429
00:17:55,947 --> 00:17:57,297
That's Benji in the middle.
430
00:17:57,326 --> 00:18:00,705
That's Benji.
Oh, he's precious.
431
00:18:00,723 --> 00:18:02,911
That's a healthy-looking baby.
432
00:18:02,952 --> 00:18:04,488
Very special little boy.
433
00:18:05,295 --> 00:18:08,739
Look at him. I've never seen
such a beautiful child.
434
00:18:08,758 --> 00:18:09,608
Funny sense of humor.
435
00:18:09,626 --> 00:18:11,457
If you push his nose,
he'll go, "Eee."
436
00:18:11,507 --> 00:18:13,216
- Like this? Watch.
- Eee.
437
00:18:13,240 --> 00:18:13,987
[Laughter]
438
00:18:14,012 --> 00:18:14,892
Like that.
439
00:18:14,911 --> 00:18:16,779
A beautiful family.
440
00:18:16,813 --> 00:18:19,615
[Laughter]
441
00:18:19,693 --> 00:18:21,978
Right? Come on!
442
00:18:22,008 --> 00:18:24,126
Yeah, maybe
I'll never be manager,
443
00:18:24,157 --> 00:18:28,142
but I just managed to get
our most stubborn salesman
444
00:18:28,247 --> 00:18:30,732
to close a sale
with one of our biggest clients,
445
00:18:30,751 --> 00:18:33,945
and I must say it's the most
pleasant I've ever seen Stanley.
446
00:18:33,960 --> 00:18:35,485
I think we should
consider injecting him
447
00:18:35,505 --> 00:18:37,756
with bull tranquilizer
on a daily basis.
448
00:18:37,816 --> 00:18:39,010
So...
449
00:18:39,328 --> 00:18:41,295
what can you do?
450
00:18:41,803 --> 00:18:43,878
[Australian accent]
Well, what can't I do?
451
00:18:43,952 --> 00:18:45,828
Right? I can sing,
452
00:18:45,840 --> 00:18:49,792
I can play the banjo, innit?
453
00:18:49,857 --> 00:18:51,467
And if you hadn't noticed,
454
00:18:51,498 --> 00:18:54,442
I've got a pretty good
British accent.
455
00:18:54,522 --> 00:18:55,815
Can you drive a car?
456
00:18:55,840 --> 00:18:58,846
At the risk of sounding arrogant,
I did drive myself here.
457
00:18:58,901 --> 00:19:00,712
Why do you have, uh,
458
00:19:00,730 --> 00:19:03,598
a high school musical
here on your resume?
459
00:19:03,650 --> 00:19:06,219
What are you,
like, 40? 45?
460
00:19:06,403 --> 00:19:09,875
My exact age is 28 to 34,
so basically just send me out
461
00:19:09,898 --> 00:19:12,001
on whatever Jake Gyllenhaal's
going out on.
462
00:19:12,276 --> 00:19:14,632
Gyllenhaal, got it.
463
00:19:14,880 --> 00:19:17,247
Can you juggle and crap?
464
00:19:17,621 --> 00:19:18,959
Yes.
465
00:19:18,991 --> 00:19:20,760
And yes.
[Chuckles]
466
00:19:20,988 --> 00:19:24,257
Would you dress up
as, say, a birthday clown
467
00:19:24,276 --> 00:19:28,468
and go to a kid's party,
let them throw pies at ya?
468
00:19:29,384 --> 00:19:31,665
Whereas that is not
469
00:19:31,793 --> 00:19:35,067
why I have
entered show business,
470
00:19:35,092 --> 00:19:39,401
I do understand that
you have to build credibility.
471
00:19:39,438 --> 00:19:40,120
[Sniffs]
472
00:19:40,145 --> 00:19:40,939
I'm all for it.
473
00:19:40,957 --> 00:19:43,646
Well, Mr. Bernard,
I'm gonna be honest with you.
474
00:19:43,921 --> 00:19:47,042
Well, at least I tried.
Thank you very much.
475
00:19:47,066 --> 00:19:50,969
No, we're--we're gonna
take you on as a client.
476
00:19:53,924 --> 00:19:55,563
You are?
477
00:19:57,091 --> 00:19:58,686
Yes!
478
00:19:59,040 --> 00:20:00,566
Yes.
479
00:20:01,245 --> 00:20:03,489
Are you being
for real right now?
480
00:20:03,647 --> 00:20:05,047
Oh, man.
481
00:20:05,253 --> 00:20:06,704
Ah, yes!
482
00:20:06,738 --> 00:20:08,477
I need this so bad.
483
00:20:08,624 --> 00:20:12,130
I really think
this is what could fix me.
484
00:20:12,348 --> 00:20:17,186
We are extremely excited to
be working with you too, sir.
485
00:20:17,744 --> 00:20:20,039
Pay Todd on your way out.
486
00:20:21,437 --> 00:20:24,728
Most talent agents take 10%
of whatever jobs they get you,
487
00:20:24,787 --> 00:20:28,190
but with Carla
you pay a flat rate
488
00:20:28,220 --> 00:20:30,560
of $5,000 up front.
489
00:20:30,897 --> 00:20:33,581
And that includes headshots.
490
00:20:33,615 --> 00:20:34,955
Uh, it doesn't
include headshots.
491
00:20:34,986 --> 00:20:36,478
- It doesn't include headshots.
- No.
492
00:20:36,503 --> 00:20:39,742
Well, of course not, because
that would be insane if it did.
493
00:20:39,825 --> 00:20:42,054
Still getting
a bargain, though.
494
00:20:46,328 --> 00:20:49,546
So I just smiled
and complimented her grandkids,
495
00:20:49,571 --> 00:20:51,321
and we closed it?
496
00:20:51,344 --> 00:20:54,394
You earned yourself a nice, fat commission
and you didn't even know it.
497
00:20:55,460 --> 00:20:58,281
I'll go tell Andy
the good news.
498
00:20:58,366 --> 00:20:59,862
Oh. [Chuckles]
499
00:20:59,930 --> 00:21:01,540
Silly me.
Gotta take the stairs.
500
00:21:01,564 --> 00:21:03,373
Oh, no,
I'm not doing that again.
501
00:21:03,385 --> 00:21:05,475
You got me down,
you gotta get me back up.
502
00:21:05,493 --> 00:21:07,461
Well--no, no--n--
503
00:21:17,179 --> 00:21:19,627
We need a winch and a hoist.
504
00:21:19,697 --> 00:21:25,697
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