"Salem My Salem"
sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ addic7ed.com ~
The dentist, wolves, drowning. We all have fears.
But for me, none of these held a candle to oral report day.
Laying yourself bare in front of your peers
could bring only ridicule and doom.
Whew...!
It's one thing to serve as president four terms,
but it's pretty bad-ass to do it with polio.
And the dude has his face on a goddamn mountain...
- I say we do it. - Have you thought about that?
We just dig a hole and see what happens.
- What the hell, dude? - I think about it at night...
- You're sweating like an animal. - I'm freaking out, man.
Come on, it's only an oral report.
The audience is more scared of you than you are of them.
You... suck.
- Somehow, I doubt that. - Okay, look, I'm here for you, brother.
Whatever you need. Distraction? Fire alarm?
I've got a cherry bomb in my sock ready to fly.
And the great depression... Shit, man!
Well, thanks, Dave. The swearing was...
inappropriate, but adequate, I guess. Okay, next up, uh...
Chad Stevens discussing the Salem witch trials.
Good show!
- Uh... I was just... - Don't bother, son. I get it.
I've hidden in here a few times myself.
Look, I don't care what it takes, next week, I need you
in front of that class talking about witches.
Otherwise, I gotta fail ya.
All right? I'm not running a party bus here.
That was amazing! Easily the best speech of the day.
Freeman gave me an extension and said if I didn't do it, he'd fail me.
Do it, don't do it... Either way, I'm toast.
Why are you so twisted up? This speech is the one time
everybody's forced to pay attention to you.
Embrace it, like I am. I'm up tomorrow,
and after my interactive re-imagining of the Boston Tea Party,
I'll have them completely beguiled.
Don't you get it, Chris? It's bad enough we have to walk
those halls and be scrutinized by a zillion mocking eyeballs.
But the second I open my mouth,
they can start judging what's in here... or here.
- Know what I mean? - Wow, you are one tortured chappy.
Okay, let's figure out a way to get you out of this.
Huh... Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah...
We could clone you. Make him do it.
Huh. Knowing me, he'd blow it too.
I got it! We sneak into Freeman's house
while he's asleep, whisper in his ear,
and convince him you already gave your speech.
- Well, what about his wife? - That guy's married?!
Damn, that's depressing! I don't know, man, I'm tapped out.
Terry, honey, are you decent? I'm coming in.
What is it, baby?
I was this close to projecting into my astral plane.
Don't go just yet. We need to talk.
The water bill came today, and it's $500.
Now, I think we both know why the bill is so high.
Baby, do you know how much I need my bathings?
After a day of rigorous mindplay, I... I need to calm my whirring brain.
I know, boo.
But if you want to continue this luxurious lifestyle,
I need you to get a job and contribute around here.
Hey, I contribute.
What about the wind chime I hung in your closet?
I'm serious, Terry. I can't spot you forever!
My mad money's gone, I'm burning through my savings!
I do okay in tips at the restaurant,
but you can only be so polite, you know?!
Oh, relax. Okay, okay, relax, my love.
I'll do it. For you, I'll-I'll take this job journey, okay?
Do you want to take a bath?
Ah! There's my little speech maker!
So, did you blow 'em away with your research and your dimples?
Um, I kind of didn't do it yet.
- I just got nervous and... and just... - Oh, sweetie, come on, it's okay.
We all get nervous. Why, I get nervous every Sunday
before playing a new organ piece at church.
And that audience is all about forgiveness.
No, all you need is some practice.
And some smiley faces on your note cards, for encouragement.
Now, where's my good marker, the thick one...
That was my mom. Ferociously supportive.
She saw the best in everyone, and wanted the best for them, too.
Hey dad, can I use the video camera to practice my speech for school?
Absolutely not. That camera was very expensive.
- It's not a toy. - Look me in the eye
and tell me the last time, if ever, we have used that stupid machine.
Just be careful.
So, um... you realize your resume is blank, right?
Ah, that's because I'm a blank slate. You know, mold me, man.
Mr. Rosachristas, we can't hire someone with no experience.
Okay, what experience do you want to know about?
Military? Sexual?
It says here you want to be a "plane pointer"?
Very much. My whole life I've been pointing.
That's a coffee cup. My feet are down there.
Pretty lady.
This must be our 3:00 interview.
Ay! Get out of here!
Leave me alone.
Devil dinosaur! Go, go, go, go, go! Away!
Almost ready over there? H-how does it look?
Perfect. Speech away.
Okay, here goes.
In sixteen hundred and ninety-two... years...
in Salem, Massachusetts...
Your nostrils flare when you say "Salem."
Dude, come on, I thought you were gonna help me here.
I am, man. Just trying to loosen you up
with a little l-e-v-i-t-y.
- Mission control is secure. - Aw, damn it, Jay, get out of here.
Aw, I want to be in your movie. Can I play your stunt double?
Jay, this isn't a movie, it's... Wait, that's it!
You're a genius, Jaybird. But you didn't knock.
- That's an automatic out. - But, but, but, but...!
Dude, I just figured out hHow I don't have
- to give a speech. - How's that?
- I'm going to make a movie instead. - You have my full attention.
So Freeman said he doesn't care what I do,
as long as I'm in front of the class talking about witches.
So I'll do it on camera.
That way, I can edit myself to look way better than I really am.
Control your image. The ultimate loophole.
Come on, man, let's make a movie!
I feel like I've been waiting my whole life for you to say that.
Goddamn, Chad, making a movie may be the best idea
you've ever had, and you've had some doozies, my friend.
So, witch trials... what's your angle?
Well, I was thinking I want to tell a story from the lady's perspective.
The only thing these women were guilty of was being the town outcasts.
It's just not cool to burn someone at the stake
just because they're different from you.
In support of the underdog. I like it.
Yep, that's my angle. I'm gonna call it...
Annabelle the accused: An outsider's story.
Teachers will love it, girls will swoon.
You are one brilliant son of a bitch.
- Hey. Bonnet. - Nice.
- Ah! Jesus, Terry, you look awful. - Please, mMr. Dr. Wayne,
please can you give me a job at your spectacle factory? Please.
- What? No. Never. - My life... is void of hope.
I need a job to help ease the burdens of my Joanie, but no
one will take a chance on this... this diamond in the rough.
Oh! Actually, Terry, there is a job opening at our church.
It's part-time, someone to clean and lock up after hours.
Really? I dig graveyard shifts.
Rose, may I have a word? What are you thinking?
You can't give that jack-o-botsy a job at our place of worship.
Wayne, everyone deserves a chance, even jack-o-botsies.
Have a little faith, silly.
Even though the movie was born out of fear,
I couldn't deny the excitement simmering inside me.
We were creating something. Maybe something good.
- Ready to roll, Herr Director? - Yes, indeed.
Okay, everybody.
So in this scene, Annabelle, played by Kelly, is gonna...
Uh, sorry, Kelly. There aren't any unicorns in this, so if you...
I am no mere unicorn, mortal!
I am King Elijahl Pfefferly the Fourth! Respect me!
Okay. Anyway, your character is going to be accused
of witchcraft by me, the paranoid Reverend.
Grump, you're Goody Smith, the shocked and betrayed husband.
I am shocked and betrayed.
Okay, Kelly, so everyone in town already thinks Annabelle is weird.
Now this bully Reverend bursts in and you're really upset.
Cue the waterworks. I brought visine for fake tears
or pepper spray for the real thing.
No need. I'll just imagine King Elijahl has taken ill and the
wood sprites can't find enough moss dander for his healing elixir.
All right, places, people. You ready with the camera, Martha?
And... action!
You're my wife. I love you.
Greetings, Goody Smith. You're a witch!
- I loathe you, witch wife. - Cut!
- What's wrong? - I don't know.
- It's just not... tickling me. - But... we're just getting started.
It's pretty talky. Slash boring.
If you want those thick skulls at school
to hear what you're saying, we gotta throw in some sizzle.
- Oh! How about a talking dog? - Sizzle!
- What? - It's perfect!
You want to do a film about outcasts, right?
What's more outcasty than a talking dog?
- Oh, yeah, yeah, that's freaky. - Yeah, man. That's freaky.
See? So we put you in a dog suit,
then you and Miss Witchy chat about persecution over kibble.
Is the dog a witch, too?
You have to wait till the end to find out.
Boom! Explosive outcast talking dog witch mystery.
Yeah!
Um, I guess, if you guys think it'll make a better movie...
It's gonna be great, Chad-o. Let's pick this up tomorrow, people.
If I'm gonna make a dog costume, I've got a lot of barber shops to hit.
So, in addition to locking up
at night, you'll be taking care of the dusting,
vacuuming, scraping gum from the hymnals...
You know, just your usual janitorial duties.
Ah, okay, and these duties, they happen every day?
'Cause, you know, I thought this god loves everything,
you know, even the little dust buddies.
Oh, Terry, you're a hoot.
But your most important job is right here...
...maintaining my baby.
Oh...!
That's a giant machine!
How does one clean?
Oh, good point. You may need more polish.
It's in the supply closet right down the hall.
Geez, enough of my chatter. I should let you get to work.
We did it, big guy. High five!
- What the hell is this? - I'm Megawitch 3000.
- And that? - Mexican pyrotechnics.
Shit's about to get real!
Check it out everybody!
I give you Bernard, the shunned sheepdog of Salem.
Ugh! Hair in my mouth or something...
Chris, what is all this?
I agreed to some sizzle or whatever, but this?
Is amazing, right?
I was glue-gunning Bernie here last night when it hit me.
What's the first rule of moviemaking, Chad?
- Be true to your vision? - Aliens and explosions.
We blast Annabelle and doggie sidekick
into space to tackle intergalactic persecution, Chad.
We're taking this battle of morals into the next stratosphere, bitches!
Jesus!
- So, we ready to do this? - No! Not even close.
Chris, this stuff has nothing to do with my original idea.
I want to do something realistic about how wrong it is
to judge people for being different.
I'm with you, buddy. But I gotta be honest here,
because that's what I am for you.
Your way is gonna put everybody to sleep,
and then they're gonna judge you. Hard.
If you want to bring 'em to their feet,
you have to do something monumental.
- Yes. Now we're talking. - You said it.
Monumental, huh? Okay, fine.
I get my mom's keys, we bust into the church,
and we film Annabelle's trial inside. Guerilla style!
Yeah!
Praise the Lord, he's come around! I knew you'd find the sizzle!
If they want the pipes to shine, I need the shine stuff.
So where are you hiding, stupid shine stuff?
Ooh, what do we have here?
It's hard to believe that all the Salem witch accusers were sinister.
Most of them were probably just swept up in the tide,
good people doing bad things for what they thought were the right reasons.
Okay. Come on, come on.
So, Chad-o, you ready to cement your legend in cinematic history?
Definitely.
Okay, guys, this is the big trial scene where Annabelle pleads her case.
Dave, Grump, you're the judges, and you need to look
really intimidating. Climb to the top of those pillars,
then you can loom over Kelly and point at her accusingly.
Mm, dramatic.
Now, judges, you're really angry at Kelly for being a witch.
Really let her have it! Ready? Action!
Wicked, wicked! Shame, shame!
Away with you, black magic lass!
- Guys? I'm teetering! - Wicked, wicked! Shame, shame!
Keep going. You're doing great!
Oh, no! It's happening! I'm falling!
What do we do?!
I don't know, man! But this is movie magic!
L-los duendes!
Is the goblins who make the dust! I spilled the wine.
Run, run run!
Go away, goblins! Go away!
No, no, no, no, no, no no! That's Rose's organ! No!
Oh! Oh, God!
Oh, Jesus! Aah! Did we burn down a church?!
Oh, this is terrible! We have to go back
and tell someone what happened.
Confess? Screw that. I'm out of here.
Traitors! Guess it's just you and me, Chad-o.
- Ever acted in a fire before? - What? Are you nuts?
Dude, did you see that blaze?
We couldn't have planned better special effects.
Forget the stupid movie! That's my church!
My mom's organ is destroyed!
What have I done?
Shit!
- It's ruined. - I'm so sorry, Rosie.
I promise you, there's goblins all around this place.
They're making a mess and making mischief.
I suppose the "goblins" are responsible for this, as well?
Is drinking on the job a sin?
You're fired.
- Oh, how could you, Terry?! - Rose... no...
You're lucky we're in God's house, mister,
- 'cause I would mess you up! - Rose, calm down.
Terry got blamed and fired?!
Ha! It's my birthday and Christmas rolled into one!
Dude, I can't let Terry take the fall for something I did.
Dude, no one can know what happened here.
This is a take-it- to-the-grave situation.
All right.
Look, some people wait their whole lives for the perfect patsy.
Let's appreciate this gift the heavens have bestowed.
Don't be mad at me!
Just let go of me for 30 seconds! Come on!
Rose, you've hardly touched your mashed potatoes.
What's the use, Wayne? They'll just disappoint me in the end.
Don't be so hard on yourself.
You're a good person to give a coconut like Terry a chance.
No, I'm just a blind fool, Wayne.
I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt,
not to judge them by their past, and look where it got me.
- I have something to say. - What is it, dear?
I... I like your potatoes.
Well, thank you, sweetie. That means a lot. Excuse me.
Damn it! The next time I see that man,
I'm gonna yank those asinine braids out of that fat head of his!
No, not the...
Burn him! Burn him!
It was the goblins! No!
Chad Stevens... "F"!
No!
Chad!
I'm here. What's so urgent I needed to take my breakfast on the go?
I wrote a new scene to finish up the movie.
But I need you to be in it with me.
Hmm, well, are you sure I should do this, sweetie?
You know how terrible I am with gadgets and gizmos.
Just push the red button on the side there.
So, in this scene, the paranoid Reverend is having doubts about his accusations.
He comes to goodman wise, the town elder, for advice.
Oh. I'm like an oracle. Sweet! I'll need a beard.
- Okay, so, should I look at my lines, or... - No. Cold is better, more natural.
Okay, ready and... action.
Oh, oh! Yes. That's me. Okay, uh, oh, there it is.
Um, a... Yes, action. Uh, yeah.
Goodman wise, I am so conflicted. What if my accusations are wrong?
Kind Reverend, what does your sixteen hundred ninety-two
- puritan heart tell you? - want to confess all my wrongdoings
so that the unjustly accused might go free.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let's not be too hasty there, Rev.
I'm an oracle, remember? And I clearly see that the accused
deserves to be punished for something.
But not this. And if I don't admit the truth,
I'll never be able to look my Reverend mom in the eye.
Clearly, you haven't thought this through, sir.
- Are you under the spell of a witch? - I have to do this. Mom,
- I have someth... - You're spellbound!
You shall be cleansed with sage and water!
For heaven's sakes, so believable, boys.
Keep your mouth shut!
- Chris, just let me... - You're out of your mind!
- I know what I'm doing! - You're not thinking properly!
Mom, I'm the reason your organ is ruined.
I stole the church keys from your purse
to get in for my movie... and things got nuts!
Sweetie, this isn't part of the witch trials.
Mom, I'm talking to you.
The fire, the organ... it's all my fault.
I was scared, so I let Terry take the fall. I'm sorry.
- Oh, dear. - Uh, this oracle's got some prophecies
burning in the oven.
I can't pretend I'm not disappointed in you, Chad.
To tell you the truth, I'm... Well, I am pretty torked off.
But I guess it's natural for a teenager to rebel,
and, well, we're not all perfect.
But damn it, I mean, dag-nabbit, try a little harder from now on!
- How you feeling, buddy? - Like I'm gonna puke.
It's a damn fine piece of cinema.
And if you do throw up, I'll be there holding the bucket.
Chad Stevens, I believe you have a speech to deliver.
- Wait. Wh-what's going on here? - Instead of a speech, I made a movie.
I present to you Salem my Salem!
Sit down, Novak! Chad, we're not watching a movie, okay?
That wasn't the assignment.
But you said "whatever it takes" to be in front of the class.
I meant visualization o-or pills. This is not a speech, so... "F."
All right, class, open your books to chapter f...
Wait! Mr. Freeman, if there's one lesson
we all should take away from the Salem witch trials,
it's not to judge someone or something till all the evidence is heard.
Me, my friends and family, we went through hell for this.
I'm talking real guts and glory here.
It deserves to be judged by its content,
an opportunity those Salem women never got.
Please, Mr. Freeman, give it a chance.
No, still not watching it.
But... what you did there was... kind of a speech, so...
- C-minus. - I'll take it.
Oh, I am so sorry about all of this, Reverend.
Chad will be here cleaning up after school,
weekends, whatever you need.
Thank you, Rose... we appreciate you setting the record straight.
So... what does this mean for Terry? Wine aside, he was telling the truth.
Do we really want that man back in our church...
at night... alone?
Well, Terry, we weren't quick enough on the draw.
They, uh, uh, already filled the position.
Ah. That job was too good for me.
Uh, however, just yesterday,
I heard about an even better opportunity.
How about that?
Ah. Is perfection.
You know, I have glass cleaner for that, Terry.
I never pegged you for a micromanager, Dr. Wayne.
I just can't work under these conditions.
I accept this tiny, adorable screwdriver as payment.
Gracias.
...to the lucky winners of this past weekend's super lottery draw.
The pair came forward to claim their $11 million....
Greetings, Goodie Smith.
You're my wife. I love you.
- You're spellbound! - Away with you, black magic lass.
And things got nuts.
You're a witch!
Bravo! Perhaps... I've misjudged.
sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ addic7ed.com ~