1
00:00:04,466 --> 00:00:05,920
Pudding's almost cooled.
2
00:00:05,944 --> 00:00:08,055
Another five minutes,
I'll peel the skin off
3
00:00:08,063 --> 00:00:09,990
and baptize it in Reddi-wip.
4
00:00:10,110 --> 00:00:11,825
(sighs)
5
00:00:11,945 --> 00:00:13,850
Actually, we... we have to go.
6
00:00:13,897 --> 00:00:15,938
I've... I've got, I've got papers to grade
7
00:00:15,982 --> 00:00:18,499
and Mike has, you know...
8
00:00:18,501 --> 00:00:19,817
(tapping hand)
9
00:00:19,819 --> 00:00:21,600
You... you have something, sweetie?
10
00:00:22,726 --> 00:00:24,001
Nope. Football's over.
11
00:00:24,009 --> 00:00:25,855
My Sunday nights are pretty much wide open.
12
00:00:27,904 --> 00:00:30,161
Well, apparently, I misspoke.
13
00:00:32,549 --> 00:00:34,286
What's happening on the baby front?
14
00:00:34,293 --> 00:00:35,435
Am I gonna be a grandma
15
00:00:35,459 --> 00:00:37,875
or should I just fill up my
wallet with baseball cards?
16
00:00:38,962 --> 00:00:40,573
Well, we could be home right now trying,
17
00:00:40,573 --> 00:00:42,349
but instead, we're here, waiting for you
18
00:00:42,364 --> 00:00:44,187
to skin the puddin'.
19
00:00:45,360 --> 00:00:46,955
If you're totally barren,
20
00:00:46,963 --> 00:00:50,905
I guess the two of you could
always adopt some unwanted brat.
21
00:00:51,718 --> 00:00:53,673
I'm not barren, Peggy, okay?
22
00:00:53,666 --> 00:00:54,847
If I was any more fertile,
23
00:00:54,854 --> 00:00:57,038
I'd have pumpkins growing out of me.
24
00:00:58,958 --> 00:01:00,392
If you do adopt,
25
00:01:00,400 --> 00:01:03,995
steer clear of those teen
mom Appalachian babies.
26
00:01:03,997 --> 00:01:06,273
Give me Chinese over white trash any day.
27
00:01:07,016 --> 00:01:09,083
They'll walk on your back,
and you don't have to worry
28
00:01:09,085 --> 00:01:11,365
about 'em hocking your
TV for methamphetamine.
29
00:01:12,475 --> 00:01:14,756
(hushed): Get me the hell out of here.
30
00:01:14,758 --> 00:01:16,022
It's no big deal.
31
00:01:16,057 --> 00:01:17,457
It's just taking a little
longer than we'd hoped.
32
00:01:17,457 --> 00:01:18,833
You remember what that's like.
33
00:01:18,865 --> 00:01:22,118
Sure, your old man's seed
didn't take on the first poke,
34
00:01:22,238 --> 00:01:24,394
but I wasn't racing
the clock like this one.
35
00:01:25,934 --> 00:01:28,531
I'm still a vital young woman.
36
00:01:28,651 --> 00:01:30,705
(hushed): I'm engaging.
Why do I keep engaging?!
37
00:01:31,448 --> 00:01:34,599
And if the adoption agencies
don't find you suitable,
38
00:01:34,615 --> 00:01:36,249
you can always get yourself a cat.
39
00:01:36,265 --> 00:01:37,327
They'll give those to anybody.
40
00:01:37,447 --> 00:01:39,097
(barks)
41
00:01:39,667 --> 00:01:42,937
Okay, good food, good fun and good night.
42
00:01:44,313 --> 00:01:45,150
Thanks for dinner, Mom.
43
00:01:45,181 --> 00:01:46,832
I guess you could just
save me some pudding.
44
00:01:46,855 --> 00:01:48,200
Well, you can have it with your cake
45
00:01:48,216 --> 00:01:51,016
when you come over Tuesday
night for your birthday bash.
46
00:01:51,016 --> 00:01:54,433
No, we agreed that this year,
his birthday was at our house.
47
00:01:54,553 --> 00:01:55,596
Real nice.
48
00:01:55,598 --> 00:01:58,531
Make a poor old lady drag
herself halfway across town
49
00:01:58,555 --> 00:02:01,425
for your flavorless
cake and snotty comments.
50
00:02:01,421 --> 00:02:03,866
I'm not making you do anything, old woman.
51
00:02:03,881 --> 00:02:05,105
You don't want to come, don't come!
52
00:02:05,117 --> 00:02:08,566
I'll be so disappointed,
but I'll get over it!
53
00:02:11,859 --> 00:02:15,466
Whoo! I hope the children
don't get her temperament.
54
00:02:15,468 --> 00:02:18,061
Maybe it's a blessing she can't breed.
55
00:02:18,976 --> 00:02:21,768
Thanks, Mom. Another Sunday Funday.
56
00:02:21,958 --> 00:02:24,583
It was, wasn't it? And just so you know,
57
00:02:24,599 --> 00:02:26,570
you don't have to bring
her with you every time.
58
00:02:27,492 --> 00:02:30,722
We're married now. My hell is her hell.
59
00:02:31,888 --> 00:02:36,236
♪ For the first time in my life ♪
60
00:02:37,167 --> 00:02:40,174
♪ I see love. ♪
61
00:02:40,897 --> 00:02:47,505
- synced and corrected by chamallow -
- www.addic7ed.com -
62
00:02:56,311 --> 00:02:58,039
Look, I know that she's your mother,
63
00:02:58,070 --> 00:03:00,174
but if some stranger
talked to me like that,
64
00:03:00,206 --> 00:03:01,958
they'd get a kisser full of this.
65
00:03:02,078 --> 00:03:04,984
I've told you before, you
can't let her push your buttons.
66
00:03:05,008 --> 00:03:06,674
She doesn't just push my buttons.
67
00:03:06,681 --> 00:03:09,114
She leans on 'em, she tapes 'em down.
68
00:03:09,575 --> 00:03:10,834
You know she's never gonna change,
69
00:03:10,834 --> 00:03:12,797
so why not learn to be the bigger person?
70
00:03:12,917 --> 00:03:14,659
I am being the bigger person.
71
00:03:14,667 --> 00:03:16,450
Otherwise, she'd be in
the emergency room getting
72
00:03:16,497 --> 00:03:19,875
my sensible shoe removed
from her hateful old rump.
73
00:03:20,618 --> 00:03:21,689
Wow, you know, right there,
74
00:03:21,713 --> 00:03:23,300
you sound exactly like my dad?
75
00:03:23,340 --> 00:03:24,614
When we do have a baby,
76
00:03:24,630 --> 00:03:27,704
I'm not letting that nasty
woman anywhere near it.
77
00:03:27,696 --> 00:03:28,713
Come on.
78
00:03:28,760 --> 00:03:30,488
And even if we accidentally
79
00:03:30,519 --> 00:03:31,677
drive by her house,
80
00:03:31,724 --> 00:03:34,586
we'll tell our kids, "That's
where an old devil witch lives."
81
00:03:34,706 --> 00:03:36,839
That's exactly what my
dad would say each time
82
00:03:36,878 --> 00:03:38,731
he and I came home from a ball game.
83
00:03:39,709 --> 00:03:41,281
I just think we should rethink
84
00:03:41,289 --> 00:03:42,500
this birthday party thing.
85
00:03:42,539 --> 00:03:43,704
I don't think if I can handle that woman
86
00:03:43,720 --> 00:03:44,963
two days in one week.
87
00:03:45,083 --> 00:03:47,544
What? You're gonna
cancel my birthday party?!
88
00:03:47,664 --> 00:03:49,656
No, we can still do something fun.
89
00:03:49,776 --> 00:03:52,299
Hey, that miniature golf place
just opened up for the season.
90
00:03:52,419 --> 00:03:54,716
That's lame. I don't want to do that.
91
00:03:55,114 --> 00:03:57,703
Fine, I'll do whatever you want.
92
00:03:57,823 --> 00:03:58,743
Keep it small.
93
00:03:58,759 --> 00:04:01,824
And by "small," I mean
anyone but your mother.
94
00:04:03,021 --> 00:04:05,582
Come on, Mol. It's my birthday.
95
00:04:05,829 --> 00:04:08,597
I'm counting on you to
be the reasonable person.
96
00:04:09,471 --> 00:04:12,257
Gah! All right!
97
00:04:12,288 --> 00:04:13,680
I'll suck it up.
98
00:04:13,908 --> 00:04:15,386
Pull into that 7-Eleven.
99
00:04:15,425 --> 00:04:18,068
That damn woman put pudding in my brain.
100
00:04:23,918 --> 00:04:25,311
Hey, you're gonna love the birthday present
101
00:04:25,303 --> 00:04:26,273
I got for you this year.
102
00:04:26,296 --> 00:04:27,594
And I left the price tag on it,
103
00:04:27,594 --> 00:04:29,847
so you know exactly how
much to spend on mine.
104
00:04:30,582 --> 00:04:32,655
That's very thoughtful of you.
105
00:04:32,694 --> 00:04:34,969
And feel free to go over
budget if you want to make up
106
00:04:35,008 --> 00:04:37,832
for buying me a pocket comb
and anti-fungal foot spray.
107
00:04:39,341 --> 00:04:40,873
Haven't you ever heard the expression,
108
00:04:40,912 --> 00:04:42,210
"It's the thought that counts"?
109
00:04:42,210 --> 00:04:44,401
What thought? You bought
a man with no hair a comb,
110
00:04:44,440 --> 00:04:46,035
and you could eat off of my feet.
111
00:04:47,349 --> 00:04:48,835
Hello. Welcome to Abraham's.
112
00:04:48,877 --> 00:04:50,173
Do you know what you would like?
113
00:04:50,220 --> 00:04:54,076
Uh, you, a dark room, and
some Barry White music.
114
00:04:54,757 --> 00:04:57,197
No-no-no-no-no-no,
Shyama! Go away, please.
115
00:04:57,220 --> 00:04:58,901
This is my table.
116
00:04:59,021 --> 00:05:00,937
Well, my, my, my,
117
00:05:00,939 --> 00:05:01,936
it looks like we got something new
118
00:05:01,959 --> 00:05:03,101
and tasty on the menu.
119
00:05:03,124 --> 00:05:04,892
Really? Did they bring back corn fritters?
120
00:05:04,884 --> 00:05:06,706
I love those things.
121
00:05:07,363 --> 00:05:09,740
Carl, she is new to this country
122
00:05:09,748 --> 00:05:11,844
and deserves better than some skeevy guy
123
00:05:11,875 --> 00:05:14,033
trying to take advantage
of her trusting nature
124
00:05:14,080 --> 00:05:15,566
just to get her into bed.
125
00:05:16,489 --> 00:05:19,573
Besides, I saw her first, so I got dibs.
126
00:05:21,642 --> 00:05:24,277
Yeah, we gonna see about
that, Wally the Waiter.
127
00:05:25,036 --> 00:05:26,819
Hey, you better plan on eating every meal
128
00:05:26,850 --> 00:05:28,258
of every day right here.
129
00:05:28,378 --> 00:05:30,761
Sure, sure. I'm not seeing
corn fritters anywhere.
130
00:05:30,776 --> 00:05:32,552
Is it on special?
131
00:05:33,873 --> 00:05:36,158
ALL: * What do you do
with a drunken sailor? *
132
00:05:36,165 --> 00:05:38,199
♪ What do you do with a drunken sailor ♪
133
00:05:38,199 --> 00:05:40,310
♪ What do you do with a drunken sailor ♪
134
00:05:40,326 --> 00:05:42,266
♪ Early in the morning? ♪
135
00:05:42,305 --> 00:05:43,595
I usually marry him.
136
00:05:43,603 --> 00:05:44,596
Then you cheat on him.
137
00:05:44,643 --> 00:05:46,645
I will gut you like a fish.
138
00:05:46,911 --> 00:05:48,554
There's no stabbing in here.
139
00:05:48,570 --> 00:05:51,448
You're both on parole and
I just waxed the floor.
140
00:05:53,638 --> 00:05:55,045
Gals.
141
00:05:55,288 --> 00:05:57,830
Kudos on the Mexican pizza today.
142
00:05:57,822 --> 00:05:59,003
Muy bueno.
143
00:05:59,800 --> 00:06:02,092
I'm gonna go over here
and have a little chin-wag
144
00:06:02,146 --> 00:06:04,149
with the mother-in-law.
145
00:06:04,269 --> 00:06:05,744
Hello, Peggy.
146
00:06:05,775 --> 00:06:07,751
State your business and go.
147
00:06:07,871 --> 00:06:09,709
I've got six tables to de-booger
148
00:06:09,717 --> 00:06:11,649
and I'm working with a gabby crew.
149
00:06:12,407 --> 00:06:15,144
Okay, um... for Mike's sake,
150
00:06:15,183 --> 00:06:17,756
can we just put our differences aside?
151
00:06:17,772 --> 00:06:19,062
Hey, I'm not the pigheaded one
152
00:06:19,078 --> 00:06:20,564
who doesn't play well with others.
153
00:06:20,587 --> 00:06:23,223
No, you're a real peach.
154
00:06:24,279 --> 00:06:27,540
Look, he wants a birthday
party, and for whatever reason,
155
00:06:27,579 --> 00:06:28,932
he wants us both there.
156
00:06:29,052 --> 00:06:30,277
Well, he wants me there
157
00:06:30,301 --> 00:06:31,810
because I'm the woman who gave him life.
158
00:06:31,802 --> 00:06:33,977
I don't know what he's thinking about you.
159
00:06:36,317 --> 00:06:38,678
(exhales pointedly)
160
00:06:38,798 --> 00:06:43,151
What do you say, uh, we
plan something together...
161
00:06:43,271 --> 00:06:46,013
for Mike, who we both love?
162
00:06:46,615 --> 00:06:48,790
Fine. 7:00 at my house tonight.
163
00:06:48,790 --> 00:06:51,942
- We'll hash out the details for the boy's soiree.
- Great.
164
00:06:51,988 --> 00:06:53,255
You know, we could do it at my place, too.
165
00:06:53,286 --> 00:06:55,289
I've got a computer and Internet access.
166
00:06:55,328 --> 00:06:58,324
We planning a party or
hacking into the Pentagon?
167
00:06:59,645 --> 00:07:01,335
This is gonna be fun.
168
00:07:01,389 --> 00:07:03,766
Your place, 7:00. Ah!
169
00:07:05,510 --> 00:07:07,327
Ladies, are we taking a beauty nap?
170
00:07:07,364 --> 00:07:09,160
Let's get this place standing tall,
171
00:07:09,160 --> 00:07:11,212
so I can get home and watch Dr. Phil.
172
00:07:11,332 --> 00:07:12,789
It's "Pederast Week."
173
00:07:13,039 --> 00:07:14,916
ALL: * What do you do
with a drunken sailor? *
174
00:07:14,985 --> 00:07:16,843
♪ What do you do with a drunken sailor ♪
175
00:07:16,849 --> 00:07:18,876
♪ What do you do with... ? ♪
176
00:07:23,106 --> 00:07:24,708
You did good work today, Shyama.
177
00:07:24,828 --> 00:07:26,041
And after a few more weeks of training,
178
00:07:26,053 --> 00:07:28,061
we will begin to split the tips.
179
00:07:28,118 --> 00:07:30,302
That is most generous of you, Samuel.
180
00:07:30,352 --> 00:07:32,204
70-30, of course.
181
00:07:33,255 --> 00:07:35,263
So, uh, what are you doing now?
182
00:07:35,445 --> 00:07:37,303
Would you like to grab a beer,
183
00:07:37,328 --> 00:07:39,004
perhaps take a walk in the park?
184
00:07:39,023 --> 00:07:40,944
Oh, no, I'm very tired.
185
00:07:41,064 --> 00:07:43,671
Well, then, how about a foot massage?
186
00:07:44,534 --> 00:07:45,999
I have lotion.
187
00:07:46,762 --> 00:07:47,757
Hey, Samuel...
188
00:07:47,877 --> 00:07:48,958
you ready to go home?
189
00:07:49,027 --> 00:07:50,409
Carl, what are you doing here?
190
00:07:50,529 --> 00:07:51,867
What am I doing here?
191
00:07:51,892 --> 00:07:54,163
I'm here to give my roommate a ride home.
192
00:07:54,283 --> 00:07:55,471
Brother doesn't have a car.
193
00:07:56,497 --> 00:07:58,692
You have never once given me a ride home.
194
00:07:58,812 --> 00:08:01,702
And you always flip me off
when you see me at the bus stop.
195
00:08:03,904 --> 00:08:05,087
What? That's just for fun.
196
00:08:05,207 --> 00:08:06,025
You know, give you a little chuckle
197
00:08:06,038 --> 00:08:07,521
on your long-ass bus ride.
198
00:08:08,954 --> 00:08:10,848
How about you? You need a ride?
199
00:08:10,968 --> 00:08:12,245
- Well...
- No...
200
00:08:12,270 --> 00:08:13,991
we are taking the bus home.
201
00:08:14,003 --> 00:08:16,112
I'm giving Shyama the
nickel tour of the city.
202
00:08:16,181 --> 00:08:17,783
Man, that's half your savings.
203
00:08:19,484 --> 00:08:21,524
And besides, we can't
show a delicate flower
204
00:08:21,536 --> 00:08:23,782
the city of Chicago on a dirty city bus.
205
00:08:23,820 --> 00:08:26,023
No, she needs to see it
from the passenger seat of a
206
00:08:26,143 --> 00:08:28,150
2003 Chevrolet Blazer.
207
00:08:29,833 --> 00:08:31,553
You own your own car?
208
00:08:31,553 --> 00:08:33,918
In 13 more easy payments, I do.
209
00:08:35,045 --> 00:08:36,535
- You ever seen a moon-roof?
- No.
210
00:08:36,554 --> 00:08:38,087
Girl, you in for a treat.
211
00:08:39,207 --> 00:08:40,865
I might even let you work the button.
212
00:08:40,985 --> 00:08:43,568
No, no, no, no! Don't touch his button!
213
00:08:45,076 --> 00:08:47,810
Damn it. Guys with cars can kiss my ass.
214
00:08:51,333 --> 00:08:54,661
Okay, I was thinking for
Mike's birthday extravaganza
215
00:08:54,673 --> 00:08:56,269
this year, that maybe we could, you know,
216
00:08:56,288 --> 00:08:57,164
maybe mix it up a little.
217
00:08:57,208 --> 00:08:58,860
Go a little classy.
218
00:08:58,980 --> 00:09:01,362
Great, I'll pluck my toe hairs.
219
00:09:02,908 --> 00:09:05,398
Might want to do that
regardless of the theme.
220
00:09:05,404 --> 00:09:07,444
But, uh, anyway, I was thinking
221
00:09:07,456 --> 00:09:08,977
we could do little finger foods,
222
00:09:09,020 --> 00:09:11,567
and, ooh, maybe do a signature drink.
223
00:09:11,687 --> 00:09:13,406
Call it a "Mike-tini." (laughs)
224
00:09:13,444 --> 00:09:16,278
Uh-huh. Whose birthday are we celebrating,
225
00:09:16,322 --> 00:09:17,830
my son's or Liberace's?
226
00:09:19,319 --> 00:09:20,207
That's funny.
227
00:09:20,245 --> 00:09:21,390
That's funny... Liberace.
228
00:09:21,440 --> 00:09:24,650
But, you know, actually, a piano player...
229
00:09:24,719 --> 00:09:26,076
that's actually a very good idea.
230
00:09:26,101 --> 00:09:28,341
Sure. Why not hire some swish
231
00:09:28,404 --> 00:09:31,564
to wear a gold-leaf
jockstrap and strum a harp?
232
00:09:34,667 --> 00:09:36,969
Let... let's just say
that we'll have music.
233
00:09:37,000 --> 00:09:39,978
Okay, we're making headway!
234
00:09:41,198 --> 00:09:43,500
Look, all the boy wants is a hunk of cake
235
00:09:43,532 --> 00:09:47,198
the size of a cinder block
and a fork that don't spark.
236
00:09:48,174 --> 00:09:49,607
Actually, we're not gonna have a cake.
237
00:09:49,727 --> 00:09:51,816
What?! A birthday party without cake
238
00:09:51,854 --> 00:09:53,537
is just a house full of strangers
239
00:09:53,549 --> 00:09:56,565
raiding your medicine cabinet
and clogging your toilet.
240
00:09:58,961 --> 00:09:59,912
I was thinking we could have
241
00:09:59,937 --> 00:10:02,027
a nice, you know, fresh fruit salad
242
00:10:02,058 --> 00:10:05,149
drizzled with low-fat
whipped cream on top of it.
243
00:10:05,269 --> 00:10:07,958
Here's a thought: cake,
cake, and more cake.
244
00:10:08,078 --> 00:10:10,404
And when that's gone, a backup cake.
245
00:10:11,411 --> 00:10:13,032
What are you trying to do to him,
246
00:10:13,051 --> 00:10:14,690
put him in a cake coma?
247
00:10:14,709 --> 00:10:17,524
Oh, it's one day of the year, warden.
248
00:10:17,568 --> 00:10:19,282
The next morning, you can lock him back up
249
00:10:19,320 --> 00:10:21,623
in your fat-free Folsom.
250
00:10:24,301 --> 00:10:25,983
How about we just give him a big spoon
251
00:10:25,990 --> 00:10:27,848
and a big bag of sugar?
252
00:10:28,567 --> 00:10:29,393
No.
253
00:10:29,431 --> 00:10:31,132
His dad and I did that
on his fifth birthday.
254
00:10:31,120 --> 00:10:33,103
He ended up biting the neighbor's dog.
255
00:10:34,780 --> 00:10:36,088
Okay.
256
00:10:36,081 --> 00:10:39,754
How about a nice angel food cake
257
00:10:40,004 --> 00:10:41,637
covered in fresh strawberries?
258
00:10:41,643 --> 00:10:43,720
What is it with you and fruit?
259
00:10:44,358 --> 00:10:47,256
Do you own a truck full of migrant workers?
260
00:10:49,984 --> 00:10:52,311
Okay, decorations...
261
00:10:52,431 --> 00:10:54,207
I was thinking streamers
262
00:10:54,238 --> 00:10:56,090
and some letters that
spell out "happy birthday."
263
00:10:56,103 --> 00:10:58,430
How would you like to crap on that?
264
00:11:08,892 --> 00:11:11,063
(slurring): * What do you
do with a drunken sailor? *
265
00:11:11,100 --> 00:11:13,953
♪ What do you do with a drunken sailor? ♪
266
00:11:14,010 --> 00:11:16,419
(laughing): * What do you
do with a drunken sailor *
267
00:11:16,463 --> 00:11:19,097
♪ Early in the morning? ♪
268
00:11:24,308 --> 00:11:25,697
Are you wasted?
269
00:11:25,716 --> 00:11:26,698
(melodramatic gasp)
270
00:11:26,818 --> 00:11:28,031
Blotto!
271
00:11:28,074 --> 00:11:29,207
(giggles)
272
00:11:29,701 --> 00:11:32,091
That's the only way I can handle your mom.
273
00:11:32,211 --> 00:11:34,732
Do you know why? Ask me why.
274
00:11:40,757 --> 00:11:41,877
Ask me.
275
00:11:41,914 --> 00:11:43,948
- Why?
- 'Cause she's evil.
276
00:11:46,231 --> 00:11:47,839
I think we should shave her head
277
00:11:47,858 --> 00:11:49,860
and start looking for sixes.
278
00:11:52,475 --> 00:11:54,290
Were you this drunk when you got there?
279
00:11:54,340 --> 00:11:56,924
No, she did this to me.
280
00:11:56,943 --> 00:11:59,351
She got me drunk so I wouldn't kill her.
281
00:11:59,471 --> 00:12:00,471
Do you know...
282
00:12:00,521 --> 00:12:01,547
Do you know why?
283
00:12:01,667 --> 00:12:02,873
Ask me why.
284
00:12:02,993 --> 00:12:05,182
- Why?
- 'Cause she's evil.
285
00:12:07,622 --> 00:12:10,306
Okay, look, Molly, look, come here...
286
00:12:11,589 --> 00:12:13,090
Come on, come on...
287
00:12:13,641 --> 00:12:14,598
come on, come on.
288
00:12:14,661 --> 00:12:17,395
Come on, come on...
289
00:12:19,951 --> 00:12:21,130
(giggles)
290
00:12:21,118 --> 00:12:23,539
I appreciate you not killing her.
291
00:12:23,746 --> 00:12:24,847
Well, how could I?
292
00:12:24,878 --> 00:12:26,649
I couldn't get a silver bullet
293
00:12:27,093 --> 00:12:29,684
or a wooden stake at this time of night.
294
00:12:29,804 --> 00:12:32,743
Not even... the cab
driver didn't even know,
295
00:12:32,863 --> 00:12:35,096
and they know everything.
296
00:12:35,702 --> 00:12:37,142
Everything.
297
00:12:37,886 --> 00:12:39,886
(giggles)
298
00:12:40,006 --> 00:12:40,802
Well, good.
299
00:12:40,827 --> 00:12:42,529
At least you did take a cab.
300
00:12:42,649 --> 00:12:43,374
I had to.
301
00:12:43,430 --> 00:12:48,009
I had seven beers and a
half a cap of cough syrup.
302
00:12:48,191 --> 00:12:49,824
(laughs)
303
00:12:49,944 --> 00:12:53,747
Ooh, I am flying.
304
00:12:55,223 --> 00:12:57,057
Are... are... are you gonna be okay
305
00:12:57,075 --> 00:12:58,777
or you need me to take you to the bathroom?
306
00:12:58,808 --> 00:13:00,128
I'm fine. I'm good.
307
00:13:00,248 --> 00:13:01,236
Walnut?
308
00:13:04,977 --> 00:13:07,379
I got a... I got a pocket full of them
309
00:13:07,404 --> 00:13:09,848
'cause your mom started
throwing them at my head
310
00:13:09,968 --> 00:13:11,796
by my fourth beer.
311
00:13:11,916 --> 00:13:13,611
Do you want to know why?
312
00:13:14,155 --> 00:13:16,382
Ask me why.
313
00:13:18,509 --> 00:13:20,143
'Cause she's evil?
314
00:13:20,574 --> 00:13:22,570
(quietly): That's what I was gonna say.
315
00:13:25,805 --> 00:13:29,665
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
316
00:13:30,138 --> 00:13:32,289
Come on, come on...
317
00:13:33,408 --> 00:13:35,025
No, no, no, no... No!
318
00:13:35,027 --> 00:13:37,077
No!
319
00:13:39,963 --> 00:13:41,728
(knocking on door)
320
00:13:41,934 --> 00:13:43,842
Made it in today, huh?
321
00:13:44,324 --> 00:13:45,932
I figured the way you
were knocking 'em back
322
00:13:45,957 --> 00:13:47,302
last night, you'd either be
323
00:13:47,346 --> 00:13:49,968
laid out in a gutter or
drying out in a rehab.
324
00:13:52,745 --> 00:13:54,397
If that's for me, no, thank you.
325
00:13:54,517 --> 00:13:57,257
Everything I put down
today wants to come back up.
326
00:13:57,716 --> 00:13:59,166
Give it a taste later.
327
00:13:59,403 --> 00:14:01,405
It's my first attempt at a low-cal cake.
328
00:14:01,437 --> 00:14:03,664
You know, for Mikey's birthday.
329
00:14:03,971 --> 00:14:05,760
Look, Peggy, we tried, we failed.
330
00:14:05,791 --> 00:14:07,831
Let's just forget about having a party.
331
00:14:07,837 --> 00:14:10,716
Listen, I know I can
be a stubborn old mule,
332
00:14:10,741 --> 00:14:12,467
but Mikey's my only baby.
333
00:14:13,615 --> 00:14:14,501
It's fine.
334
00:14:14,621 --> 00:14:15,952
No, it's not.
335
00:14:15,940 --> 00:14:18,880
He's your husband, and I
need to be respectful of that
336
00:14:19,000 --> 00:14:20,845
and figure out a way to share him.
337
00:14:22,578 --> 00:14:24,856
I think I still might be drunk.
338
00:14:26,127 --> 00:14:28,504
What do you say we work
together on this thing
339
00:14:28,516 --> 00:14:31,326
and give the boy a
wonderful birthday party?
340
00:14:32,201 --> 00:14:33,841
Are you drunk?
341
00:14:34,617 --> 00:14:37,520
Seriously, you take the lead.
342
00:14:37,532 --> 00:14:39,322
I'll just be the sidekick.
343
00:14:39,442 --> 00:14:41,887
You're the motorcycle; I'm the sidecar.
344
00:14:42,761 --> 00:14:43,945
Really?
345
00:14:44,221 --> 00:14:46,048
Always wanted a daughter.
346
00:14:46,311 --> 00:14:49,483
Lord knows I couldn't do better
than a sweet gal like you.
347
00:14:51,303 --> 00:14:52,379
Sure.
348
00:14:53,712 --> 00:14:57,385
And when you kids finally do
bless me with a grand-baby,
349
00:14:57,397 --> 00:14:58,962
which I know you will,
350
00:14:59,644 --> 00:15:03,241
I want to be the best
damn grandma I can be.
351
00:15:04,782 --> 00:15:05,856
(voice breaking): I better get going
352
00:15:05,887 --> 00:15:07,789
before the waterworks start.
353
00:15:12,894 --> 00:15:14,927
(quietly): What is going on?
354
00:15:16,191 --> 00:15:19,494
Oh, the cake is probably poisoned.
355
00:15:25,482 --> 00:15:27,420
MIKE: Really? Aw, that's great.
356
00:15:27,422 --> 00:15:29,036
So you got it all worked out.
357
00:15:29,079 --> 00:15:31,188
See, she's not so bad.
358
00:15:31,308 --> 00:15:33,071
I told you, if you were the bigger person,
359
00:15:33,046 --> 00:15:34,685
eventually, she'd come around.
360
00:15:34,805 --> 00:15:37,225
All right, I'll see you tonight, Mom.
361
00:15:39,589 --> 00:15:40,403
The party's back on.
362
00:15:40,415 --> 00:15:41,923
7:00, my place.
363
00:15:42,043 --> 00:15:44,520
Hey, wait for me in the car.
364
00:15:44,520 --> 00:15:45,828
I'm gonna pay the check.
365
00:15:45,948 --> 00:15:48,111
Since when have you ever paid for anyth...
366
00:15:49,161 --> 00:15:50,677
So that explains it.
367
00:15:52,403 --> 00:15:54,167
Don't tell her about your toe fungus.
368
00:15:54,383 --> 00:15:56,982
(quietly): I don't have toe fungus.
369
00:16:00,648 --> 00:16:02,118
Namaste, pretty lady.
370
00:16:02,174 --> 00:16:04,514
Hello. Oh, and may I say,
371
00:16:04,551 --> 00:16:06,785
I think it is very
brave what you are doing.
372
00:16:06,905 --> 00:16:09,431
Oh, well, being a police officer is scary,
373
00:16:09,462 --> 00:16:12,377
but not as scary as a city without heroes.
374
00:16:13,402 --> 00:16:15,618
No. I mean your decision
375
00:16:15,637 --> 00:16:18,333
to have sexual reassignment surgery.
376
00:16:20,247 --> 00:16:22,737
To become the woman you were born to be.
377
00:16:27,136 --> 00:16:28,865
What the hell are you talking about?
378
00:16:29,563 --> 00:16:31,509
Hello, Carlita.
379
00:16:35,626 --> 00:16:37,541
I showed her the pictures.
380
00:16:38,735 --> 00:16:40,024
That picture's from Halloween.
381
00:16:40,042 --> 00:16:41,782
We went as Ike and Tina Turner,
382
00:16:41,794 --> 00:16:43,678
and I was Tina because my legs are better.
383
00:16:45,455 --> 00:16:48,233
She does have beautiful
legs, completely hairless.
384
00:16:48,353 --> 00:16:49,966
I shaved them for Halloween.
385
00:16:49,991 --> 00:16:52,294
Excuse me for committing to a costume.
386
00:16:52,663 --> 00:16:54,465
You don't need to be ashamed, Carlita,
387
00:16:54,640 --> 00:16:57,405
as soon you will be free,
after the doctor has removed
388
00:16:57,455 --> 00:16:59,764
that tiny penis you hate so much.
389
00:17:03,212 --> 00:17:05,971
You're the tiny penis I hate so much.
390
00:17:07,354 --> 00:17:09,594
Tina Turner, the international superstar?
391
00:17:10,158 --> 00:17:11,727
"Private Dancer"?
392
00:17:12,034 --> 00:17:13,385
"Proud Mary"?
393
00:17:14,086 --> 00:17:17,595
♪ I left a good job for the city ♪
394
00:17:17,715 --> 00:17:20,679
♪ Workin' for the man ♪
395
00:17:20,698 --> 00:17:23,257
♪ Every night and day ♪
396
00:17:23,682 --> 00:17:26,786
♪ Big wheel keep on turn... ♪
397
00:17:26,798 --> 00:17:27,943
Tina Turner?
398
00:17:28,293 --> 00:17:29,938
♪ Rollin' ♪
399
00:17:30,502 --> 00:17:34,187
♪ Rollin' on the river ♪
400
00:17:34,900 --> 00:17:37,884
♪ Do-do, do-do-do-do ♪
401
00:17:37,886 --> 00:17:40,412
♪ Yeah, yeah... yeah, yeah... ♪
402
00:17:40,669 --> 00:17:42,152
You got to imagine me with the blond wig
403
00:17:42,170 --> 00:17:43,303
and my butt sticking out.
404
00:17:43,423 --> 00:17:46,293
(singing "Proud Mary" melody)
405
00:17:50,310 --> 00:17:51,574
Poor thing.
406
00:17:51,642 --> 00:17:53,872
She's been trapped in that
idiot's body for so long.
407
00:17:54,529 --> 00:17:56,836
♪ Big wheel keep on turnin' ♪
408
00:17:56,838 --> 00:17:59,221
♪ Proud Mary keep on burnin' ♪
409
00:17:59,246 --> 00:18:00,554
♪ And we're rollin' ♪
410
00:18:00,674 --> 00:18:04,108
♪ Rollin', rollin' on the river... ! ♪
411
00:18:14,862 --> 00:18:16,851
Just so I'll know when he opens it,
412
00:18:16,908 --> 00:18:18,103
what did we get the big guy?
413
00:18:18,322 --> 00:18:19,942
I thought the party was canceled,
414
00:18:19,960 --> 00:18:21,306
so I didn't get him squat.
415
00:18:21,684 --> 00:18:23,349
Don't worry... this is the reason
416
00:18:23,370 --> 00:18:25,159
I always keep a dozen canned hams
417
00:18:25,178 --> 00:18:26,530
in the trunk of my car.
418
00:18:28,131 --> 00:18:29,570
Say it's from both of us.
419
00:18:29,626 --> 00:18:31,266
Can I get in on that?
420
00:18:32,849 --> 00:18:35,539
- Happy birthday!
- There he is.
421
00:18:35,576 --> 00:18:36,245
MIKE: All right,
422
00:18:36,252 --> 00:18:38,129
I see Jim, but I don't see Molly or my mom.
423
00:18:38,142 --> 00:18:39,124
Should I be worried?
424
00:18:39,244 --> 00:18:41,132
Hey, there's our birthday boy.
425
00:18:41,145 --> 00:18:42,503
Happy birthday, son!
426
00:18:42,553 --> 00:18:44,279
(gentle laugh) Hi.
427
00:18:44,655 --> 00:18:46,194
This looks amazing, ladies.
428
00:18:46,225 --> 00:18:47,495
You did all of this just for me?
429
00:18:47,552 --> 00:18:49,966
Oh, well, I was really
just more the prep chef.
430
00:18:50,086 --> 00:18:52,407
Your mother is the culinary
artist in the family.
431
00:18:52,425 --> 00:18:54,340
Don't sell yourself short, toots.
432
00:18:54,334 --> 00:18:56,017
You make a hell of a radish rose.
433
00:18:56,017 --> 00:18:59,036
I'm surprised a bee didn't land on it.
434
00:19:00,446 --> 00:19:02,473
Wow, seeing the two of you getting along
435
00:19:02,499 --> 00:19:03,750
is the best birthday present
436
00:19:03,794 --> 00:19:04,920
a guy could ask for.
437
00:19:04,926 --> 00:19:08,003
Well, then I guess I'll return
your vibrating neck pillow.
438
00:19:08,214 --> 00:19:09,736
I'm kidding.
439
00:19:09,774 --> 00:19:11,908
I got him a summer sausage sampler.
440
00:19:12,195 --> 00:19:13,822
We got him ham.
441
00:19:16,394 --> 00:19:17,226
And cake, right?
442
00:19:17,245 --> 00:19:18,058
We're still having cake?
443
00:19:18,102 --> 00:19:19,892
Uh, not the one you want.
444
00:19:19,904 --> 00:19:21,775
Since you told me to be the bigger person,
445
00:19:21,787 --> 00:19:23,595
I let her have her low-cal crap.
446
00:19:23,715 --> 00:19:26,498
Bigger person? Did you tell
her to be the bigger person?
447
00:19:26,866 --> 00:19:28,163
Uh...
448
00:19:29,426 --> 00:19:30,578
Did I?
449
00:19:31,736 --> 00:19:33,087
You sure did.
450
00:19:33,089 --> 00:19:35,151
Said you were too pigheaded to ever change.
451
00:19:35,271 --> 00:19:36,559
Oh, he said that about me?
452
00:19:36,572 --> 00:19:38,736
He said the same thing to me about you.
453
00:19:38,774 --> 00:19:39,625
You what?
454
00:19:41,915 --> 00:19:44,480
♪ Happy birthday to me ♪
455
00:19:44,517 --> 00:19:46,890
♪ Happy birthday to me... ♪
456
00:19:47,234 --> 00:19:49,561
You're gonna have to go
back to the party eventually.
457
00:19:49,681 --> 00:19:51,414
At least unwrap the gift I got you.
458
00:19:51,420 --> 00:19:53,222
Or I can hitchhike to Wisconsin,
459
00:19:53,235 --> 00:19:55,186
change my name, start a whole new life.
460
00:19:55,193 --> 00:19:56,056
(laughs)
461
00:19:56,100 --> 00:19:58,527
Your mom and Molly would team
up just to track you down.
462
00:19:58,564 --> 00:19:59,747
Besides, you're gonna like what I got you.
463
00:19:59,797 --> 00:20:01,893
I'll go back eventually;
I just wanted one day
464
00:20:01,905 --> 00:20:03,551
where they were both getting
along with each other.
465
00:20:03,814 --> 00:20:05,278
Something to ask for next year, I guess.
466
00:20:05,398 --> 00:20:07,030
I guess.
467
00:20:08,375 --> 00:20:10,324
(grunts) Yes! Free game!
468
00:20:10,326 --> 00:20:12,159
Good for you, man.
469
00:20:12,161 --> 00:20:13,261
Happy birthday, man.
470
00:20:13,280 --> 00:20:14,812
Thank you, Carlita.
471
00:20:15,513 --> 00:20:17,108
Hey, those are the kind
of jokes that keep a man
472
00:20:17,133 --> 00:20:19,073
from getting his own soft
serve ice cream machine.
473
00:20:19,110 --> 00:20:20,818
You're kidding; you got
me an ice cream machine?
474
00:20:20,837 --> 00:20:23,339
Yeah, and if I get anything less
than a foosball table next year,
475
00:20:23,352 --> 00:20:25,035
you better move to Wisconsin.
476
00:20:32,987 --> 00:20:42,160
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