Welcome to a special limited-overs edition of QI for Sport Relief.
And there's an excited buzz in the stands tonight, so let's tee off.
For Jimmy Carr goes...POLITE APPLAUSE
Sandi Toksvig goes...THWAP
Lee Mack goes...ROAR OF CROWD
And Alan Davies goes...PING PONG BALL BOUNCES
They're under starters orders, and they're off.
In which sport has Britain been the reigning Olympic champion
for the past 92 years? JIMMY: Is this something that
they've stopped doing? They have now stopped. Is it still tug-of-war?
It's tug-of-war, well done, Sandi! Absolutely right.
You're winning!
She said, "I don't want to do this,- I don't know anything about sport."
APPLAUSE
What's that question about there's only three sports where you have to go backwards?
Tug-of-war, rowing, and I can'tremember the other one. JIMMY: Darts.
It's not darts, is it?! You don't do that, do you?!
No, cos you've gotta go back...
You don't get to the board and then moonwalk back, do you?!
"I'll have them, thank you."
Fencing is a good one, you're bound to go backwards.
It has to be that you ONLYgo backwards.
JIMMY: Why are you asking us a question you don't know the answer to?!
It's very good. I say "how are you?" Does anyone in the audience know?
Backstroke! Swimming. Backstroke. Backstroke. Backstroke.
High jump is another one. High jump is the answer, I've remembered it now. Hey!
It's not remembering when someone else says it!
With swimming, you can go...
Well, backstroke is... But you're not going backwards -
you're going forwards, but you're backwards. That's different.
Wow. We're in an ontological world of...
But then again you're going forward when you're going backwards in high jump. And rowing.
No you're not, you're going backwards. You are. The way on's that way.
The cox face the front. Oh, not this one again.
Stop it! Stop it, stop it. JIMMY: Only if you tuck it in.
Obviously in the coxless pairs, they are both going backwards.
That IS a ladies sport.LAUGHTER
Can I just say, I loved your impersonation of backstroke,
though, Stephen. That was very, very good. What...?
SEAN: You're not getting your hands wet!
"It's all right, I've got a rubber ring."
There's that one, the butterfly, as well.
Stephen's always the first to be rescued. Exactly.
I'd rather be rescued by the man in the chair. Stephen Fry drowned.
Anyway. What's the most dangerous sport for American women?
Oh, I know this! It's fishing. No. It's cheerleading. Yes!
You're right, Sandi, it is cheerleading! Brilliant!
Honestly!APPLAUSE
Sandi - I have to tell you - Sandi was so nervous about it, she said,
"Do I have to do the Sport Relief one? Get someone else, I know absolutely nothing about sport."
She's winning by miles.
It is indeed cheerleading.
And when we say injuries, we mean catastrophic injuries - death.
That's quite a bad injury. Indeed. Being paralysed for life.
They don't usually do it like that though, do they? Oh, they do!
The most famous one, wasn'tGeorge W Bush on the team? Very good.
And it's here on my card, so it's got to be worth points. He was head cheerleader
for his all-boys high school - there he is on the left.
LAUGHTER
If only there'd been a catastrophic accident. Yes!
How many lives would have been saved.
APPLAUSE
Er, yes. According to the latest figures we could find, in 2002,
22,900 children aged 5 to 18 in America
were admitted to hospitals for cheerleading injuries.
65% of all catastrophic injuries
among American sportswomen at schools
are created in the act of cheerleading.
Is it classed as a sport? Gosh, yes.- Absolutely. They're incredibly fit.
Very, very serious about it. They throw themselves around and do all kinds of stuff.
It's not just going rah-rah-rah. I throw myself around in the but it's not a sport.bedroom,
I'm sure sex is a sport somewhere. Someone trying to make that into a competitive thing.
- An Olympic sport? - Cos I'm pretty fast.
LAUGHTER By any standards.
I think I've got a shot here.
So, what was the most popular sport- in Britain until 1835?
Is it fishing? No, it wasn't fishing. Fishing is,
I believe, still the most popularsport in Britain. Is this spectator sport, or...?
Yes, but people could be expert in it, in as much as you can.
Chariot racing. Not chariot racing.- Croquet. It involved betting.
Horse racing.KLAXON
Oh, dear. Like horse racing... I hear that noise in my sleep, now.
Because my dreams are wrong.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
That's so sweet. You know what?
I've had a few of those, Alan, it's nothing to worry about.
Pigeon racing. Not pigeon racing, but you've finally got the right species of animal.
Falconry. Is it seagull racing? No!
Homing pigeons, what are they...? Not homing pigeons, no. This was banned in 1835. Shooting.
Nothing's been banned in the shooting of birds. JIMMY: Oh, cock-fighting!
Cock-fighting is the right answer, yeah, that's right.
Downing Street had a cockpit, the Palace of Westminster had a cockpit.
When you travel round Britain, every pub... Every village, every town. All the pubS...
That's right. Cock Inn and so on.
LAUGHTER
Downing Street? There was one in Downing Street and the Palace of Westminster.
It was just a national obsession, cock-fighting.
And in fact on Shrove Tuesday, for a fee of what was called one cockpenny,
boys could bring their game cocks to school and fight them for the day. And apparently,
and I'm reading this with a straight face,
"a good cocker would think nothing of cleaning his cock's wounded head
"by sticking it in his mouth and sucking it clean."
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Can we just have a round of applause- for keeping a straight face?
APPLAUSE Well done, Stephen.
Thank you.
So the fact is, cock-fighting was the national sport of Britain
up until they banned it. And lastly, my final question,
if you want to give a sporting chance to people having a hard time in the UK
and across the world, what's the very best thing you can do?
Well, the very best thing you can do right now
is to call 03457 910 910 and make a donation,
or visit bbc.co.uk/sportrelief
Go on, be a sport. And tonight, of course, everyone's a winner.
So it's goodnight from Sandi, Jimmy, Lee, Alan and me.
And I leave you with this thought from Matthew Hansen.
"It's not the winning that counts, nor the taking part.
"It's making fun of the little fat kid who always comes in last." Good night.