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00:00:00,381 --> 00:00:04,565
Ted! Ted! Ted! Ted! Ted! Ted!
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00:00:04,592 --> 00:00:08,627
Article Two, Section Two
of the Pawnee Charter reads,
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00:00:08,649 --> 00:00:11,495
Should the taxation of tea
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00:00:11,532 --> 00:00:13,325
"rise to an unacceptable level,
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00:00:13,373 --> 00:00:16,709
citizens shall dump Ted
into Ramsett Lake."
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00:00:18,515 --> 00:00:20,176
Does anyone object?
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00:00:20,207 --> 00:00:22,020
As always, I object.
8
00:00:22,056 --> 00:00:23,704
Nay, enough dithering!
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00:00:23,710 --> 00:00:25,173
Dump the miscreant!
Boo!
10
00:00:27,196 --> 00:00:30,284
Today is Ted Party Day,
where we commemorate
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00:00:30,302 --> 00:00:33,195
the great Pawnee tea dump
of 1817.
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00:00:33,220 --> 00:00:34,588
Historical fun fact--
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00:00:34,622 --> 00:00:36,920
when the Founding Fathers wrote
the charter,
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their old-timey script made one
of the "a"s look like a "d,"
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so "tea" became "Ted."
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It's just one
of those little things
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00:00:43,061 --> 00:00:45,885
that reminds us of Pawnee's
rich and vibrant past.
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00:00:45,928 --> 00:00:49,035
Plus, we get to go find a guy named
Ted and throw him in a lake.
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One!
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I don't even go by Ted!
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- Two!
- I go by Theodore!
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- Three!
- Aah!
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Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther
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Hey, Ted.
Great job today.
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You were so funny
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when you were like, "My cell
phone, I left it in my pocket."
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Then you checked it, remember,
and it didn't work.
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Yeah, that was hilarious.
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Listen, I am just here to say
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that I am done
with Ted Party Day.
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- Ha! Classic Ted.
- I'm serious.
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I'm not getting dumped
in that lake anymore.
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And I talked to the other Teds in town,
and they're not doing it either.
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Come on, Ted Party Day
is protected
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00:01:39,667 --> 00:01:41,339
by Article Two
in the town charter.
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And we have the right,
nay, the obligation,
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to dump Ted into the lake
every year.
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That's the way
it's always been done.
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00:01:46,940 --> 00:01:48,924
Okay, first of all, "That's the
way it's always been done"
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00:01:48,936 --> 00:01:51,216
is not a good reason
to keep doing something.
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Second, it was a misprint.
They clearly meant "tea."
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I just think you need to be careful about
speculating what the Founders meant
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00:01:58,007 --> 00:01:59,809
when they were writing
the town charter.
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00:01:59,815 --> 00:02:00,518
Okay, fine.
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00:02:00,530 --> 00:02:02,996
You want to enforce every single
old law we have on our books?
46
00:02:03,029 --> 00:02:04,825
Hey, can I see your keys
for a second?
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00:02:05,352 --> 00:02:06,719
Here's a quarter.
48
00:02:06,834 --> 00:02:08,237
I own your car now.
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00:02:08,272 --> 00:02:09,972
- Wha--
- Sorry.
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00:02:09,992 --> 00:02:12,614
The Pawnee Charter clearly
states that any white citizen
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00:02:12,632 --> 00:02:15,813
has the right to seize any
Indian property for 25 cents.
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That is an outdated
and racist law.
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00:02:18,584 --> 00:02:20,657
And obviously they meant
"American Indian."
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00:02:20,669 --> 00:02:22,171
Whoa, I think
we should be careful
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00:02:22,189 --> 00:02:25,413
when we speculate what the Founders
intended when they wrote the charter.
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00:02:25,433 --> 00:02:27,264
Okay, Ted.
I know what you're doing.
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00:02:27,283 --> 00:02:28,809
You're quoting me back to me.
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00:02:28,835 --> 00:02:30,448
But I'm gonna quote me
back to you and say
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that Ted Party Day
will never change.
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Uh-oh.
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You, a woman,
just raised your voice
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00:02:36,095 --> 00:02:37,502
to a landowning male.
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00:02:37,520 --> 00:02:40,238
According to a Pawnee statute
passed in 1868,
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I get to do this.
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00:02:46,111 --> 00:02:48,746
I was not aware
of that statute.
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00:02:50,438 --> 00:02:51,694
Ron, you have to help me.
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00:02:51,724 --> 00:02:54,886
Chris is making me do some stupid
management training leadership course.
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00:02:54,964 --> 00:02:56,765
Now that you run
the Animal Control Department,
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00:02:56,773 --> 00:03:00,123
you have qualified for the Chris
Traeger Management Training Seminar
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00:03:00,156 --> 00:03:01,740
or "Ka-tumts."
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00:03:01,950 --> 00:03:04,268
It's not a great acronym,
but it is a great seminar.
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00:03:04,745 --> 00:03:06,083
Can you get me out of it?
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00:03:06,110 --> 00:03:07,560
Yes.
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00:03:07,586 --> 00:03:10,971
Normally, if given a choice between
doing something and nothing,
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I'd choose to do nothing.
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But I will do something if it
helps someone else do nothing.
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I'd work all night
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if it meant nothing got done.
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00:03:18,230 --> 00:03:19,930
Ron Swanson and April Ludgate,
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00:03:19,981 --> 00:03:22,721
literally my two favorite people
in the catalogued universe.
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April will not be participating
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00:03:25,070 --> 00:03:26,357
in your pointless course
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because she has
more important things to do
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00:03:28,623 --> 00:03:32,136
like not participating
in your pointless course.
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I just want April to become as great
a department head as yourself.
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Which is why this is pointless.
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00:03:37,552 --> 00:03:40,158
I've been head of the Parks
department for 12 years,
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00:03:40,189 --> 00:03:42,858
and I never had any
"management training" course.
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00:03:42,874 --> 00:03:46,055
Ron, you've never been
"ka-tumtsed?"
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00:03:46,169 --> 00:03:49,222
I am legally required to
ka-tumts every department head.
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00:03:49,252 --> 00:03:51,186
Otherwise, we are open
to all kinds of liability.
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What are you saying?
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I'm saying that tomorrow
during the seminar,
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April is going to have
a classmate.
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00:03:55,680 --> 00:03:56,914
And spoiler alert--
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00:03:56,932 --> 00:03:59,188
- it's Alf.
- It's you.
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00:03:59,959 --> 00:04:01,690
This went poorly.
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00:04:03,192 --> 00:04:05,183
What, no.
Damn it!
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00:04:05,234 --> 00:04:06,443
What are you bidding on?
100
00:04:06,461 --> 00:04:09,154
It better not be Terrence Howard's
tank top from Hustle & Flow.
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00:04:09,188 --> 00:04:10,712
- It is not.
- Good.
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00:04:10,737 --> 00:04:13,026
'Cause I am bidding on it and
I am ready to spend an amount
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00:04:13,039 --> 00:04:15,489
that my accountant calls
"Dangerous and irresponsible."
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00:04:15,506 --> 00:04:17,993
JJ's diner put an old
waffle iron up for auction.
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00:04:18,011 --> 00:04:20,768
It's the perfect breakfast
day gift for Leslie.
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00:04:20,840 --> 00:04:21,690
"Breakfast day"?
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00:04:21,702 --> 00:04:23,854
Leslie has anniversaries
for everything.
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00:04:23,895 --> 00:04:26,163
"Zoo day," first time we went
to the zoo together.
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00:04:26,201 --> 00:04:27,235
"Double date day,"
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00:04:27,247 --> 00:04:28,564
it was the first time
we went on a double date.
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00:04:28,586 --> 00:04:29,836
"Daniel Day-Lewis day.
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00:04:29,854 --> 00:04:30,971
"Talk-like-a-pirate day.
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00:04:31,005 --> 00:04:32,755
Talk-like-a-Pittsburgh-pirate
day,"
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00:04:32,773 --> 00:04:34,398
which why and how?
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00:04:34,419 --> 00:04:37,516
This calendar was last year's
calendar day present
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00:04:37,534 --> 00:04:40,898
celebrating the first time she
ever bought me a calendar.
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00:04:42,637 --> 00:04:44,355
You have to buy a present
for every one of these?
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00:04:44,389 --> 00:04:46,573
She always tells me not to,
but then she buys me something
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00:04:46,598 --> 00:04:48,681
that's awesome and thoughtful,
and then I feel terrible.
120
00:04:48,700 --> 00:04:50,704
But that's the thing.
This is the perfect present.
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I just keep getting outbid
by someone named
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00:04:52,621 --> 00:04:54,160
"Tall Tie-ree-on Lannister."
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00:04:54,182 --> 00:04:56,315
What kind of name is
Tie-ree-on anyway?
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00:04:56,433 --> 00:04:58,946
You're kidding, right?
Tyrion Lannister?
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00:04:59,057 --> 00:05:01,917
Lord of Casterly Rock?
The Half-Man?
126
00:05:02,035 --> 00:05:03,367
You don't watch
Game of Thrones?
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00:05:03,385 --> 00:05:05,401
- No. You do?
- Hell yeah.
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00:05:05,420 --> 00:05:07,694
Have you seen
those Dothraki dudes?
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00:05:07,712 --> 00:05:08,971
They can get it.
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00:05:08,994 --> 00:05:12,327
Everybody on that show
can get it.
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00:05:12,913 --> 00:05:15,240
I think I know
who I'm bidding against.
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00:05:15,709 --> 00:05:18,006
I now realize that I was wrong,
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00:05:18,024 --> 00:05:20,047
and it's time
that we purged the books
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00:05:20,090 --> 00:05:23,909
of many of our town's
outdated and obscure laws.
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00:05:24,039 --> 00:05:26,948
The bill that I have written with the
full support of the city council
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00:05:26,980 --> 00:05:30,032
will repeal 110 obsolete laws
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00:05:30,053 --> 00:05:33,855
such as all menstruating women shall
be confined to their bathtubs
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00:05:33,889 --> 00:05:37,502
and Article Two,
aka, Ted Party Day.
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00:05:37,526 --> 00:05:39,584
The floor is now open
for public comments.
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Oh, here we go.
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Thank you.
My name is Garth Blundin,
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00:05:42,312 --> 00:05:44,872
and I object
to your ridiculous proposal.
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00:05:44,897 --> 00:05:48,477
The Pawnee Charter
shall not be changed.
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00:05:48,498 --> 00:05:50,238
Not today, not ever!
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00:05:50,250 --> 00:05:52,576
Wow, a lot of passion, Mr. Blundin.
Thank you so much.
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00:05:52,595 --> 00:05:54,567
Your objection is noted
and officially in the record.
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00:05:54,579 --> 00:05:57,306
- Shall we proceed to a vote?
- No. No, we shall not.
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00:05:57,332 --> 00:05:59,706
Article Seven,
Section Three allows
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00:05:59,724 --> 00:06:01,659
for a "Citizen filibuster."
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00:06:01,696 --> 00:06:05,034
If I stand here
and refuse to yield my time,
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00:06:05,066 --> 00:06:08,169
you are prohibited
from voting on the bill.
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00:06:08,335 --> 00:06:10,519
That section defines
"Buffalo meat"
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00:06:10,545 --> 00:06:11,895
as acceptable currency.
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00:06:11,912 --> 00:06:13,496
- Is that the Buffalo meat one?
- Mm-hmm.
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I meant Article Three,
Section Seven.
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Let the filibustering begin.
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I would now like to share
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some ideas I have for
J.J. Abrams' seventh chapter
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00:06:26,396 --> 00:06:27,928
in the Star Wars' saga.
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00:06:27,953 --> 00:06:30,824
Pan down from
the twin suns of Tatooine.
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00:06:30,849 --> 00:06:34,008
We are now close on the mouth
of the Sarlacc Pit.
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00:06:34,031 --> 00:06:34,911
After a beat,
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00:06:34,930 --> 00:06:39,383
the gloved Mandalorian
armor gauntlet of Boba Fett
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grabs onto the sand outside
of the Sarlacc Pit
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00:06:42,176 --> 00:06:45,357
and the feared bounty hunter
pulls himself
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00:06:45,389 --> 00:06:48,139
from the maw of the sand beast.
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00:06:48,171 --> 00:06:50,156
Ugh, he's right.
He can do this.
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00:06:50,181 --> 00:06:53,054
This is exactly why we need
to modernize these laws.
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00:06:53,113 --> 00:06:55,762
This kind of thing made sense
when we had council in a barn
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00:06:55,787 --> 00:06:57,542
and there were
80 people in the town,
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00:06:57,566 --> 00:06:59,143
but now this is nuts.
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00:06:59,168 --> 00:07:00,993
If he holds the reality gem,
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00:07:01,036 --> 00:07:04,063
that means he can jump
from different realities.
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00:07:04,082 --> 00:07:05,579
This will be our link
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00:07:05,610 --> 00:07:08,739
to the Marvel Universe
from the Star Wars Universe.
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00:07:09,355 --> 00:07:12,143
Imagine those who
were up against Chewbacca
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00:07:12,162 --> 00:07:15,057
'cause that's gonna happen.
After a beat, Luke says,
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00:07:15,093 --> 00:07:17,599
"Darth Vader was my father,
but Ben Kenobi was my master."
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00:07:17,619 --> 00:07:19,396
And he cuts Hannibal Lecter
in half.
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00:07:19,415 --> 00:07:20,606
Mr. Blundin,
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00:07:20,744 --> 00:07:22,459
look, the laws
I'm trying to get rid of
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00:07:22,484 --> 00:07:24,455
have no more relevance
in modern society
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00:07:24,461 --> 00:07:26,138
and they're embarrassing
to Pawnee.
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00:07:26,167 --> 00:07:29,151
Repealing them would show that
we're changing with the times.
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00:07:29,169 --> 00:07:31,954
You can't just change
the charter willy-nilly.
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00:07:31,978 --> 00:07:34,885
You start by casually repealing
a couple of "old laws,"
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00:07:34,909 --> 00:07:37,301
the next thing you know,
your jack-booted storm troopers
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00:07:37,328 --> 00:07:39,858
are kicking in my door
and arresting my wife
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00:07:39,876 --> 00:07:41,247
for no reason
if I were married.
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00:07:41,267 --> 00:07:42,467
By "jack-booted
storm troopers,"
191
00:07:42,484 --> 00:07:44,370
do you mean
the Pawnee Police Department?
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00:07:44,419 --> 00:07:46,972
- Hey, Clyde.
- Hi, Leslie.
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00:07:47,025 --> 00:07:48,442
Good Danish today.
194
00:07:48,570 --> 00:07:51,418
The Pawnee charter is not
a "living document," Ms. Knope.
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00:07:51,454 --> 00:07:53,507
You have no respect
for the traditions of this town.
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00:07:53,525 --> 00:07:55,099
I absolutely do.
197
00:07:55,111 --> 00:07:57,799
I used to give tours
at the Pawnee Historical House.
198
00:07:57,813 --> 00:07:59,624
Three times,
"Employee Of The Fortnight."
199
00:07:59,648 --> 00:08:02,607
Oh, big deal, you put
on a costume for a couple hours.
200
00:08:02,638 --> 00:08:04,951
By that logic, every time
I go to bed at night,
201
00:08:04,963 --> 00:08:06,749
I am Wolverine.
202
00:08:06,819 --> 00:08:08,233
You bought
X-Men pajamas?
203
00:08:08,263 --> 00:08:10,769
I won them, madam, in a raffle.
204
00:08:10,793 --> 00:08:13,945
The point is is that our Founding Fathers
were brilliant and they were courageous,
205
00:08:13,969 --> 00:08:17,391
but they also had wooden teeth and
pooped in holes in the ground.
206
00:08:17,476 --> 00:08:20,971
- It was a more primitive time.
- It was a better time.
207
00:08:21,586 --> 00:08:23,851
You wouldn't have survived
two weeks in their day.
208
00:08:23,876 --> 00:08:26,028
Oh, really?
How about a little wager?
209
00:08:26,059 --> 00:08:28,650
How about you and I go live
in that historical house,
210
00:08:28,670 --> 00:08:31,614
no modern technology,
1817 rules.
211
00:08:31,632 --> 00:08:33,583
If you last longer,
I withdraw my bill.
212
00:08:33,615 --> 00:08:35,827
I win, you stop this nonsense.
213
00:08:35,980 --> 00:08:39,375
You have yourself a deal.
214
00:08:39,712 --> 00:08:42,865
Please write down what you
hope to gain from the seminar,
215
00:08:42,892 --> 00:08:45,494
seal it in the envelope, and then
we'll open it when it's over.
216
00:08:45,528 --> 00:08:47,173
When is this over?
217
00:08:47,192 --> 00:08:48,473
As soon as you learn to embrace
218
00:08:48,493 --> 00:08:50,961
the power
of positive motivation.
219
00:08:51,256 --> 00:08:52,909
It's a nine-hour seminar
over two days.
220
00:08:52,939 --> 00:08:54,899
- Whoa!
- Oh, good.
221
00:08:54,942 --> 00:08:56,018
All right, let's begin.
222
00:08:56,063 --> 00:08:58,068
Hop on board
"The Management Train."
223
00:08:58,087 --> 00:09:00,962
First stop--
Motivation Station.
224
00:09:02,150 --> 00:09:03,433
All aboard!
225
00:09:04,285 --> 00:09:06,407
Stop bidding on my waffle iron.
226
00:09:06,426 --> 00:09:08,341
You're FutureMrsTigerWoods?
227
00:09:08,381 --> 00:09:10,740
I made that profile, like, ten years ago.
I don't know how to change it.
228
00:09:10,759 --> 00:09:12,879
The point is I'm getting
that waffle iron
229
00:09:12,886 --> 00:09:14,397
for Leslie for breakfast day.
230
00:09:14,416 --> 00:09:17,431
Uh, no, you're not. I'm getting
it for her for waffle day.
231
00:09:17,457 --> 00:09:19,086
Wait, you have
a breakfast day too?
232
00:09:19,104 --> 00:09:20,960
- Mine's in June.
- Please, Ben.
233
00:09:20,978 --> 00:09:24,262
This is the celebration of the anniversary
of the first time we hung out at JJ's,
234
00:09:24,280 --> 00:09:26,187
which she considers
the beginning of our friendship.
235
00:09:26,212 --> 00:09:28,106
Well, imagine
being married to her.
236
00:09:28,137 --> 00:09:30,801
It's like being smothered
with a hand-quilted pillow
237
00:09:30,825 --> 00:09:32,642
filled with cherished memories.
238
00:09:32,704 --> 00:09:35,445
I can't believe I'm complaining
about how thoughtful my wife is.
239
00:09:35,506 --> 00:09:36,781
Sorry, honey.
I love you.
240
00:09:36,800 --> 00:09:38,349
Look, I have known her
for longer,
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00:09:38,362 --> 00:09:41,270
I have five years' worth of
anniversaries, so I have seniority.
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00:09:41,294 --> 00:09:42,129
Oh, God. Oh, no.
243
00:09:42,154 --> 00:09:43,920
- We've lost the auction.
- What-no.
244
00:09:43,938 --> 00:09:45,411
Somebody swooped in
at the last second,
245
00:09:45,436 --> 00:09:47,902
- and now we're both screwed.
- No.
246
00:09:47,916 --> 00:09:50,809
Okay, Tyrion Lannister,
why don't you just cast a spell
247
00:09:50,840 --> 00:09:52,898
- and get us the waffle iron back?
- Oh, okay.
248
00:09:52,929 --> 00:09:55,156
I don't even have time to tell
you how wrong you are.
249
00:09:55,196 --> 00:09:56,602
Actually, it's gonna bug me
if I don't.
250
00:09:56,626 --> 00:09:58,629
The Lannisters,
while very wealthy,
251
00:09:58,647 --> 00:10:00,658
do not possess
the magical abilities
252
00:10:00,677 --> 00:10:02,838
of, say, the warlocks
of Qarth for example.
253
00:10:02,901 --> 00:10:05,707
This is why we don't hang out.
254
00:10:06,598 --> 00:10:08,243
Think of yourselves
as engineers
255
00:10:08,266 --> 00:10:10,358
steering
a locomotive of positivity
256
00:10:10,417 --> 00:10:11,909
that runs on team power.
257
00:10:11,922 --> 00:10:14,827
First of all, you don't
"steer" a locomotive.
258
00:10:14,906 --> 00:10:16,079
The tracks do.
259
00:10:16,143 --> 00:10:17,677
Second,
there are only three ways
260
00:10:17,691 --> 00:10:20,617
to motivate people--
money, fear, and hunger.
261
00:10:20,642 --> 00:10:21,807
Oh, I disagree.
262
00:10:21,835 --> 00:10:24,266
What about encouragement,
appreciation,
263
00:10:24,293 --> 00:10:26,162
and smiles.
264
00:10:26,189 --> 00:10:27,289
When people feel supported,
265
00:10:27,314 --> 00:10:29,900
they will literally explode
with productivity.
266
00:10:29,927 --> 00:10:31,820
Can you guys just figure out
which way is better
267
00:10:31,844 --> 00:10:33,053
and tell me so we can leave?
268
00:10:33,089 --> 00:10:34,140
Thank you
for your input, April,
269
00:10:34,158 --> 00:10:37,113
but the ka-tumts requires that we
follow a very specific syllabus.
270
00:10:37,188 --> 00:10:38,800
You're not being
very inclusive, Chris.
271
00:10:38,865 --> 00:10:41,036
I feel like my input isn't
being appreciated.
272
00:10:41,185 --> 00:10:42,802
You've killed my spirit.
273
00:10:43,230 --> 00:10:45,575
My spirit blood is
on your hands.
274
00:10:46,213 --> 00:10:48,069
My God, I've taught you
so much already.
275
00:10:48,100 --> 00:10:50,123
Ron, I propose a challenge
276
00:10:50,174 --> 00:10:52,059
to see whose
motivational methods
277
00:10:52,134 --> 00:10:53,268
are more effective.
278
00:10:53,298 --> 00:10:54,987
Challenge accepted.
279
00:10:55,012 --> 00:10:57,041
I don't want to seem
overdramatic,
280
00:10:57,087 --> 00:11:00,106
but this is literally
a battle for April's soul.
281
00:11:00,214 --> 00:11:02,265
I don't want to seem
overdramatic,
282
00:11:02,454 --> 00:11:05,106
but I don't really care
what happens here.
283
00:11:05,639 --> 00:11:07,444
Oh, God.
284
00:11:07,456 --> 00:11:08,889
I hate this place.
285
00:11:08,938 --> 00:11:11,669
Everything is old.
Old things are dumb.
286
00:11:11,739 --> 00:11:13,752
It's like, just be new.
287
00:11:13,770 --> 00:11:14,670
I don't know, Tom.
288
00:11:14,689 --> 00:11:16,498
I think there's some pretty
cool things from back then.
289
00:11:16,516 --> 00:11:18,086
That is a dope bonnet.
290
00:11:18,119 --> 00:11:19,971
Oh, just getting here, I see.
291
00:11:19,989 --> 00:11:21,882
Yikes.
Did you sleep here last night?
292
00:11:21,915 --> 00:11:25,112
Indeed. I want to be here when the
cock crows to get the chores done.
293
00:11:25,130 --> 00:11:26,781
Already, I've done
the preserves
294
00:11:26,800 --> 00:11:29,668
and chased off
an interloping cable installer.
295
00:11:29,702 --> 00:11:33,424
Okay, well, let's put
all modern devices in this pail.
296
00:11:33,462 --> 00:11:36,344
Nothing can be used
that was invented past 1817.
297
00:11:36,377 --> 00:11:38,461
Andy, Tom,
you will be our referees.
298
00:11:38,485 --> 00:11:40,553
- Thank you for volunteering.
- Definitely didn't volunteer.
299
00:11:40,581 --> 00:11:41,794
I had much better things to do.
300
00:11:41,806 --> 00:11:43,057
Leslie said she'd pay me
100 bucks.
301
00:11:43,069 --> 00:11:44,423
And I had nothing better to do.
302
00:11:44,435 --> 00:11:45,475
I'm doing it for free.
303
00:11:45,500 --> 00:11:47,303
There's no way
I'm losing this contest.
304
00:11:47,327 --> 00:11:48,848
Old-timey dress? Check.
305
00:11:48,878 --> 00:11:50,826
Extensive knowledge
about early prairie life?
306
00:11:50,857 --> 00:11:51,595
Right here.
307
00:11:51,643 --> 00:11:52,749
Rickets? Cured.
308
00:11:52,776 --> 00:11:53,913
Don't need to worry
about rickets.
309
00:11:53,939 --> 00:11:56,870
Antiperspirant?
Not allowed.
310
00:11:57,470 --> 00:11:59,383
Might get a little rough
in there.
311
00:11:59,660 --> 00:12:02,212
I was wondering
if you could help me out.
312
00:12:02,246 --> 00:12:03,713
Say no more.
313
00:12:03,866 --> 00:12:05,472
Here's a bunch of guns.
314
00:12:05,807 --> 00:12:06,438
Nope.
315
00:12:06,457 --> 00:12:07,869
Different thing.
316
00:12:07,885 --> 00:12:11,667
I saw that you recently won an auction
for the JJ's diner waffle iron.
317
00:12:11,692 --> 00:12:13,426
And I'd like to--
that's it right there.
318
00:12:13,439 --> 00:12:15,902
- I'd like to buy it.
- You and everyone else.
319
00:12:16,458 --> 00:12:17,738
Hello, Ben.
320
00:12:17,775 --> 00:12:20,399
Seems like I love Leslie
more than you do.
321
00:12:20,438 --> 00:12:22,322
- Get in line.
- Yeah.
322
00:12:22,381 --> 00:12:23,565
Get in line, pal.
323
00:12:23,599 --> 00:12:24,853
- Who are you?
- I'm Roz.
324
00:12:24,877 --> 00:12:27,352
I'm Leslie's mailwoman,
and I need to get her
325
00:12:27,364 --> 00:12:29,879
a Mail Day present
by next Wednesday.
326
00:12:29,912 --> 00:12:31,290
It's the anniversary
of the first--
327
00:12:31,320 --> 00:12:33,819
Time you delivered
her mail. Yeah, we get it.
328
00:12:33,825 --> 00:12:34,978
Looks like we've got ourselves
329
00:12:34,997 --> 00:12:38,086
an old-fashioned pawnshop
waffle iron bidding war.
330
00:12:38,120 --> 00:12:40,803
Let's start the bidding
at $650,000.
331
00:12:40,821 --> 00:12:43,165
Okay, I'll counter
with 100 bucks.
332
00:12:43,205 --> 00:12:43,867
200.
333
00:12:43,873 --> 00:12:45,761
I'll let you take
anything out of this bag.
334
00:12:45,809 --> 00:12:46,715
I'll tell you what, Ann.
335
00:12:46,744 --> 00:12:48,769
I'll give it to you if you
go on a date with me.
336
00:12:49,066 --> 00:12:49,841
Oh, God.
337
00:12:49,859 --> 00:12:51,793
I can't believe
I'm about to do this, but fine.
338
00:12:51,817 --> 00:12:54,472
One date. But let me make
one thing perfectly clear--
339
00:12:54,506 --> 00:12:56,190
- 500 bucks.
- Sold.
340
00:12:56,225 --> 00:12:57,969
- What?
- You still want to go out?
341
00:12:57,985 --> 00:13:01,538
I just come into some money.
$500 buys a lot of nitrous.
342
00:13:02,068 --> 00:13:03,858
Yeah, nothing warms the blood
343
00:13:03,876 --> 00:13:06,668
like an old whirly-bout
with the old butter-gyre,
344
00:13:06,687 --> 00:13:08,342
- eh, Leslie?
- Indeed.
345
00:13:08,645 --> 00:13:10,370
Man, this guy's tougher
than I thought.
346
00:13:10,388 --> 00:13:12,284
I don't know how either
of you guys are doing this.
347
00:13:12,309 --> 00:13:13,954
One time my refrigerator
stopped working,
348
00:13:13,973 --> 00:13:15,854
I didn't know what to do.
I just moved.
349
00:13:15,873 --> 00:13:17,786
I just don't think
he's ever gonna quit.
350
00:13:17,829 --> 00:13:21,975
He has that look in his eye that
Ben gets when he plays Risk.
351
00:13:23,890 --> 00:13:25,884
Oh, wow.
That is really good.
352
00:13:25,915 --> 00:13:27,365
- Andy.
- No, I'm sorry.
353
00:13:27,395 --> 00:13:28,676
This tastes great.
354
00:13:28,709 --> 00:13:30,159
All my favorite foods
have butter on 'em.
355
00:13:30,190 --> 00:13:33,387
Pancakes, toast,
popcorn, grapes.
356
00:13:35,064 --> 00:13:36,632
Butter is my favorite food.
357
00:13:36,676 --> 00:13:38,454
Well, then you're gonna love
what I'm churning up.
358
00:13:38,466 --> 00:13:40,555
Take a look at-- Oh, my God.
This is horrifying.
359
00:13:40,586 --> 00:13:42,005
Nobody eat that.
360
00:13:42,024 --> 00:13:43,798
I think I'm in over my head.
361
00:13:43,822 --> 00:13:45,704
Garth really knows his stuff.
362
00:13:45,731 --> 00:13:47,971
He planted
an entire field of barley.
363
00:13:47,996 --> 00:13:50,298
How long is
he planning on staying here?
364
00:13:50,641 --> 00:13:54,267
Hey, um, aren't we husband
and wife in this scenario?
365
00:13:54,291 --> 00:13:56,000
- I mean, like, shouldn't you--
- Not a chance.
366
00:13:56,024 --> 00:13:58,008
Okay.
367
00:14:01,826 --> 00:14:03,107
Wait, what's that?
368
00:14:03,207 --> 00:14:05,338
Do you guys feel that?
369
00:14:06,640 --> 00:14:07,434
Aah!
370
00:14:07,446 --> 00:14:08,652
How long was that under there?
371
00:14:08,664 --> 00:14:10,744
Man, Garth is a machine.
372
00:14:10,791 --> 00:14:12,899
He brought his own whale
blubber to light the lamps.
373
00:14:12,933 --> 00:14:14,906
I thought he was gonna last
an hour max.
374
00:14:14,938 --> 00:14:17,478
It's like he's getting stronger
the longer he stays here.
375
00:14:17,504 --> 00:14:20,682
Whee!
Look at my hoop, Leslie.
376
00:14:20,707 --> 00:14:22,120
Look at my hoop!
377
00:14:22,164 --> 00:14:23,993
Ugh! Who could live like this?
378
00:14:24,018 --> 00:14:26,323
No one.
That's why we've moved on.
379
00:14:26,370 --> 00:14:29,186
It's fun to be here on, like, a
school field trip or something.
380
00:14:29,204 --> 00:14:31,342
- It's so, so, so fun.
- So, so fun.
381
00:14:31,348 --> 00:14:33,748
But to live like this
is insane.
382
00:14:33,830 --> 00:14:35,686
He must have cheated somehow.
383
00:14:35,717 --> 00:14:37,663
I mean, there's no way a man
who's into X-Men that much
384
00:14:37,688 --> 00:14:39,519
can stay away
from the Internet that long.
385
00:14:39,657 --> 00:14:40,847
We should check his phone.
386
00:14:40,893 --> 00:14:42,969
♪ Goodness, how delicious
387
00:14:42,987 --> 00:14:45,363
♪ Eating goober peas
388
00:14:45,949 --> 00:14:47,383
Jerry Gergich.
389
00:14:47,417 --> 00:14:49,311
I need you to stop whatever
it is you're doing
390
00:14:49,342 --> 00:14:51,740
and file as many of these
as you can.
391
00:14:51,766 --> 00:14:56,044
Wow, Duraflex cut-top A350s
in deep maroon?
392
00:14:56,619 --> 00:14:58,737
- The honor is all mine.
- Well,
393
00:14:58,759 --> 00:15:00,440
I knew you were
the man for the job.
394
00:15:00,471 --> 00:15:02,999
You are smart and capable.
395
00:15:03,024 --> 00:15:05,957
And I believe
you can accomplish anything.
396
00:15:06,060 --> 00:15:07,578
Thank you so much.
397
00:15:07,604 --> 00:15:09,355
You got it, champ.
Get filing.
398
00:15:10,011 --> 00:15:11,536
Aye, aye, Captain.
399
00:15:12,030 --> 00:15:14,311
That is
one motivated worker bee.
400
00:15:14,338 --> 00:15:16,113
You guys doing experiments
on Jerry?
401
00:15:16,175 --> 00:15:17,088
Yes.
402
00:15:17,214 --> 00:15:18,781
Cool.
403
00:15:23,035 --> 00:15:24,402
Got it.
404
00:15:24,436 --> 00:15:26,030
Okay, now let's not
read anything.
405
00:15:26,036 --> 00:15:27,305
That's an invasion
of his privacy.
406
00:15:27,324 --> 00:15:29,160
Let's just look
at his browser history
407
00:15:29,191 --> 00:15:31,283
and his inbox and his outbox
and his Facebook page.
408
00:15:31,295 --> 00:15:32,896
Yeah, he doesn't
have any new emails.
409
00:15:32,925 --> 00:15:34,608
Oh, my God. It's true.
410
00:15:34,627 --> 00:15:36,413
He hasn't gotten an email in...
411
00:15:36,719 --> 00:15:38,140
12 days!
412
00:15:38,158 --> 00:15:39,423
Is he a ghost?
413
00:15:39,462 --> 00:15:41,213
The only ones he gets are spam.
414
00:15:41,250 --> 00:15:42,969
And he responds to them.
415
00:15:43,008 --> 00:15:44,188
I think I'm gonna be sick.
416
00:15:44,213 --> 00:15:46,651
Oh, man.
This guy has no friends.
417
00:15:46,711 --> 00:15:48,996
I don't know. Seems like
he's friends with that mule.
418
00:15:52,591 --> 00:15:53,956
What's that?
419
00:15:54,043 --> 00:15:56,760
Well, since I can't give her a
waffle iron for breakfast day,
420
00:15:56,785 --> 00:15:58,745
I am making her
a miniature Leslie
421
00:15:58,776 --> 00:16:00,668
- out of breakfast food.
- Good Lord.
422
00:16:00,715 --> 00:16:01,840
Well, listen,
I've been thinking.
423
00:16:01,858 --> 00:16:04,529
How would you feel about going
in on the waffle iron together?
424
00:16:04,541 --> 00:16:05,377
Seriously?
425
00:16:05,383 --> 00:16:06,626
That would be great,
426
00:16:06,658 --> 00:16:08,362
but whose holiday
are we celebrating?
427
00:16:08,380 --> 00:16:09,731
Well, I think I may have a plan
428
00:16:09,750 --> 00:16:12,169
that'll get us out of
breakfast day and waffle day
429
00:16:12,175 --> 00:16:14,032
and all the other days
without making us
430
00:16:14,056 --> 00:16:17,988
seem like ungrateful people who are
annoyed at how amazing Leslie is.
431
00:16:18,031 --> 00:16:20,151
Dude, whatever it is, I'm in.
432
00:16:20,168 --> 00:16:22,169
- Okay, great.
- What should I do with this?
433
00:16:22,821 --> 00:16:26,126
Just burn it and bury the ashes
and pray it doesn't haunt you.
434
00:16:28,486 --> 00:16:29,433
Jerry,
435
00:16:29,464 --> 00:16:31,817
stop filing
those red folders at once.
436
00:16:31,830 --> 00:16:33,741
Begin filing these blue ones.
437
00:16:33,747 --> 00:16:35,825
Oh. Sorry, Ron.
I promised Chris that--
438
00:16:35,843 --> 00:16:37,398
This is the top priority.
439
00:16:37,423 --> 00:16:39,209
I need these blue folders
done now.
440
00:16:39,229 --> 00:16:40,781
You can eat
441
00:16:41,118 --> 00:16:42,681
when you have finished.
442
00:16:43,040 --> 00:16:43,790
File!
443
00:16:43,830 --> 00:16:45,875
Oh, my goodness.
444
00:16:46,263 --> 00:16:49,832
Money, fear, hunger.
445
00:16:52,149 --> 00:16:54,152
Hey, there, Garth.
Whatcha whittling?
446
00:16:54,175 --> 00:16:55,295
A birthing stick.
447
00:16:55,301 --> 00:16:56,164
What's that?
448
00:16:56,188 --> 00:16:58,691
- You do not want to know.
- Oh, my God.
449
00:16:58,703 --> 00:16:59,803
You look beautiful.
450
00:16:59,829 --> 00:17:01,683
I mean, you changed clothes.
451
00:17:01,720 --> 00:17:03,588
Violation.
I-I challenge
452
00:17:03,600 --> 00:17:05,285
- you are bonnetless!
- Yes, you're right.
453
00:17:05,322 --> 00:17:07,333
I admit, I can't take it
anymore. You win.
454
00:17:07,376 --> 00:17:10,378
Huzzah!
The day is mine.
455
00:17:12,411 --> 00:17:14,325
- I'm gonna miss saying "huzzah."
- Yeah.
456
00:17:14,350 --> 00:17:16,270
Garth,
I have another proposition.
457
00:17:16,289 --> 00:17:18,086
Yes, I will go out
on a date with you,
458
00:17:18,111 --> 00:17:20,152
but I realize
you're a modern woman,
459
00:17:20,171 --> 00:17:21,871
so I will let you pay.
460
00:17:22,414 --> 00:17:23,023
No.
461
00:17:23,035 --> 00:17:24,549
I was wondering
would you like to join
462
00:17:24,574 --> 00:17:26,193
the Pawnee Historical Commission?
463
00:17:26,205 --> 00:17:28,768
Those clowns?
No thank you.
464
00:17:28,962 --> 00:17:30,777
They haven't answered
a single one of my complaints
465
00:17:30,802 --> 00:17:33,952
about their anachronistic use
of fonts in their newsletter.
466
00:17:34,055 --> 00:17:36,747
Well, I'm a member, and I think
we could really use you.
467
00:17:36,849 --> 00:17:39,912
But the only problem is
there's tons of meetings,
468
00:17:39,931 --> 00:17:43,110
lots of work with people
who also love history,
469
00:17:43,154 --> 00:17:46,728
and many social occasions that
you're gonna have to attend,
470
00:17:46,752 --> 00:17:48,493
like cocktail parties and such.
471
00:17:48,638 --> 00:17:51,153
I can understand if it's something
you don't want to commit to.
472
00:17:51,310 --> 00:17:54,292
Just sounds like such a big bite
out of my soap-making time.
473
00:17:55,025 --> 00:17:56,772
My cousin's arraignment
is in May.
474
00:17:56,803 --> 00:17:59,385
But that's a day. I just fly
out, I come back the same day.
475
00:17:59,642 --> 00:18:00,942
On a trial basis, yes.
476
00:18:00,972 --> 00:18:02,289
Yes, yes.
477
00:18:02,379 --> 00:18:04,531
Great.
Welcome to the team.
478
00:18:04,543 --> 00:18:06,690
Garth dropped his protest, and
we were able to get rid of
479
00:18:06,714 --> 00:18:08,971
all the outdated laws
in the town charter.
480
00:18:09,002 --> 00:18:11,193
I mean, the charter is
a wonderful document,
481
00:18:11,225 --> 00:18:15,284
but we've had the benefit of almost
200 years of learning and advancing.
482
00:18:15,309 --> 00:18:17,077
Seems to me we ought to use it.
483
00:18:17,405 --> 00:18:19,545
I did not change
Article Two, though.
484
00:18:19,583 --> 00:18:22,415
I just couldn't vote against a
good, old-fashioned lake dunking.
485
00:18:22,479 --> 00:18:24,290
Though Garth and I did come up
with a compromise
486
00:18:24,304 --> 00:18:26,185
that I think will make
everybody happy.
487
00:18:26,224 --> 00:18:27,420
From this year hence,
488
00:18:27,438 --> 00:18:29,825
a volunteer will represent Ted
489
00:18:29,858 --> 00:18:32,999
in our town's most historic
and cherished tradition.
490
00:18:33,035 --> 00:18:36,520
This year, the honor
goes to Mr. Garth Blundin!
491
00:18:39,190 --> 00:18:42,122
Huzzah, I'm Ted! I'm Ted!
492
00:18:42,147 --> 00:18:43,810
I'm Ted too, guys.
493
00:18:43,845 --> 00:18:45,389
- Andy!
- Yeah!
494
00:18:45,401 --> 00:18:47,534
He's naked, everybody!
Put that away!
495
00:18:47,556 --> 00:18:50,391
- We're all Ted! Yeah!
- No, Andy!
496
00:18:52,828 --> 00:18:54,204
Whoo!
497
00:18:54,277 --> 00:18:56,705
Thank God.
I don't know how to swim.
498
00:18:57,716 --> 00:18:59,336
Okay, final tally.
499
00:18:59,359 --> 00:19:03,458
- Jerry filed 268 red files.
- Yes!
500
00:19:03,501 --> 00:19:06,648
And 384 blue files.
501
00:19:07,007 --> 00:19:07,775
- Yes.
- Wait a minute.
502
00:19:07,809 --> 00:19:08,772
How is that possible?
503
00:19:08,784 --> 00:19:10,986
Well, he was so happy when you
told him he was doing a great job
504
00:19:11,004 --> 00:19:13,260
that he spent 20 minutes on the
phone telling Gayle about it.
505
00:19:13,287 --> 00:19:16,176
- And the prosecution rests.
- Not so fast.
506
00:19:16,192 --> 00:19:19,265
He may have filed more blue ones,
but they're almost all filed wrong.
507
00:19:19,283 --> 00:19:22,048
Not surprising since he was a
mess after you talked to him.
508
00:19:22,067 --> 00:19:24,811
Another fascinating edition
of "ka-tumts."
509
00:19:25,057 --> 00:19:27,468
We may never know conclusively
which way works better.
510
00:19:27,509 --> 00:19:28,837
But I do know this--
511
00:19:28,880 --> 00:19:30,464
When we first started
the seminar,
512
00:19:30,485 --> 00:19:34,288
I hoped to be able to engage you
in the process.
513
00:19:34,530 --> 00:19:36,142
And by that measure
I succeeded.
514
00:19:36,172 --> 00:19:40,325
And I predicted that I would
learn nothing from this process.
515
00:19:41,400 --> 00:19:43,081
Mission accomplished.
516
00:19:43,220 --> 00:19:44,554
What did April write?
517
00:19:44,584 --> 00:19:46,265
Where is April?
518
00:19:48,817 --> 00:19:51,386
"I will pit Ron and Chris
against each other.
519
00:19:51,416 --> 00:19:53,160
They'll argue about dumb stuff
520
00:19:53,188 --> 00:19:55,098
that doesn't matter,
and I will bail.
521
00:19:55,122 --> 00:19:59,012
Then I'll steal $20 from Chris's
wallet and buy pizza with Andy.
522
00:19:59,076 --> 00:20:02,301
Oh, and I'll also steal
Ron's watch, just for fun.
523
00:20:02,850 --> 00:20:05,574
I think April will be
a fine manager.
524
00:20:05,893 --> 00:20:06,793
I agree.
525
00:20:06,849 --> 00:20:08,831
It's my favorite kind
of battle--
526
00:20:09,036 --> 00:20:12,110
Two men enter, one me leaves.
527
00:20:12,424 --> 00:20:15,309
- Happy waffle day.
- Happy breakfast day.
528
00:20:15,331 --> 00:20:17,124
Oh, my God!
529
00:20:17,136 --> 00:20:18,753
You guys, this is the best
530
00:20:18,777 --> 00:20:22,609
Breakfast Day/Waffle Day joint
present I have ever received.
531
00:20:22,633 --> 00:20:24,486
Wow.
Thank you so much.
532
00:20:24,516 --> 00:20:25,752
You're welcome.
533
00:20:25,792 --> 00:20:27,910
But Ann and I wanted
to tell you
534
00:20:27,931 --> 00:20:30,883
that this is the last
Breakfast Day and Waffle Day
535
00:20:30,909 --> 00:20:32,031
we'll be celebrating.
536
00:20:32,086 --> 00:20:33,386
Wait, what?
537
00:20:33,834 --> 00:20:35,168
Oh, my God.
You're both dying.
538
00:20:35,202 --> 00:20:38,421
No, no. We just can't keep up
with all the anniversaries.
539
00:20:38,472 --> 00:20:40,585
It's too much, especially 'cause
you're so good at them.
540
00:20:40,603 --> 00:20:42,105
I'm no better at them
than you are.
541
00:20:42,123 --> 00:20:44,607
That's ridiculous, I'm so
much better. Point taken.
542
00:20:44,658 --> 00:20:46,096
But we have a compromise.
543
00:20:46,119 --> 00:20:48,750
Every year, there will be
one day, "Ann Day,"
544
00:20:48,768 --> 00:20:50,856
where you can celebrate
all of Ann's holidays
545
00:20:50,895 --> 00:20:54,064
and "Ben Day" where we can
celebrate all of ours.
546
00:20:54,102 --> 00:20:56,353
What about
Ann Month and Ben Month?
547
00:20:56,907 --> 00:20:58,188
How about a week?
548
00:20:59,379 --> 00:21:00,137
Fine.
549
00:21:00,156 --> 00:21:01,857
We went in with a day,
550
00:21:01,946 --> 00:21:03,406
figuring she'd counter
with a month.
551
00:21:03,425 --> 00:21:05,222
We were fine with a week.
552
00:21:05,240 --> 00:21:06,795
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
553
00:21:06,822 --> 00:21:09,255
But there will be a third week.
It will be called Friend Week.
554
00:21:09,272 --> 00:21:11,260
It will be commemorating
this week,
555
00:21:11,284 --> 00:21:13,901
the week that my two best friends
became each other's best friends.
556
00:21:13,929 --> 00:21:15,797
I have a Friend Week present
for you right now.
557
00:21:15,832 --> 00:21:17,043
Here you go.
558
00:21:17,055 --> 00:21:19,363
How did you already have these?
559
00:21:19,386 --> 00:21:20,869
- Thank you.
- Thanks.
560
00:21:20,945 --> 00:21:25,944
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