1
00:00:03,755 --> 00:00:05,589
Whoa!
2
00:00:05,614 --> 00:00:09,114
♪ The Simpsons 24x22 ♪
Dangers on a Train
Original Air Date on May 19, 2013
3
00:00:09,227 --> 00:00:11,095
(sneezes)
4
00:00:11,120 --> 00:00:14,120
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
5
00:00:14,933 --> 00:00:16,316
HOMER:
Hmm?
6
00:00:17,802 --> 00:00:20,637
Our first anniversary.
7
00:00:20,655 --> 00:00:22,940
And we're more
in love than ever.
8
00:00:22,974 --> 00:00:26,009
In your face, people who said
it wouldn't last a year!
9
00:00:26,044 --> 00:00:28,328
I stand by my wedding toast.
10
00:00:28,363 --> 00:00:30,948
Let's just enjoy our
happiness, Homie.
11
00:00:30,982 --> 00:00:32,950
Accidental motherhood
is the greatest thing
12
00:00:32,984 --> 00:00:34,651
that can happen
to a woman.
13
00:00:34,669 --> 00:00:38,172
And I think Bart's finally
outgrown his misbehavior.
14
00:00:38,206 --> 00:00:39,506
(Homer shrieks)
15
00:00:41,009 --> 00:00:41,825
(shrieks)
16
00:00:41,860 --> 00:00:44,294
(grunting)
17
00:00:44,328 --> 00:00:45,979
(pop)
18
00:00:46,014 --> 00:00:48,215
Oops, better clean that off.
19
00:00:48,249 --> 00:00:50,684
(humming)
20
00:00:52,420 --> 00:00:54,621
You have a great day, ma'am.
21
00:00:54,656 --> 00:00:56,223
(sighs)
22
00:00:56,257 --> 00:00:58,709
Wish I could get a little
of that attention.
23
00:01:01,362 --> 00:01:02,696
D'oh!
24
00:01:02,730 --> 00:01:03,697
Hey, Simpsons.
25
00:01:03,731 --> 00:01:05,299
Don't mean to be a pesto,
26
00:01:05,333 --> 00:01:07,050
but I'll be happy to watch
your scampi shrimp.
27
00:01:07,085 --> 00:01:09,052
Aw, thanks, Flanders.
28
00:01:09,087 --> 00:01:10,888
Got to warn you,
he doesn't talk much.
29
00:01:10,922 --> 00:01:11,972
Daddy.
30
00:01:12,006 --> 00:01:14,074
(groans)
He's not your daddy.
31
00:01:14,108 --> 00:01:15,476
Nice daddy.
32
00:01:15,510 --> 00:01:17,094
Moustache daddy.
33
00:01:17,128 --> 00:01:19,213
Good daddy no yell.
34
00:01:19,247 --> 00:01:21,381
(grunts)
Fat daddy smell like beer.
35
00:01:21,416 --> 00:01:24,835
I'll teach you to speak
in complete sentences.
36
00:01:24,869 --> 00:01:28,338
But first, m'lady,
let me escort you to Heaven.
37
00:01:28,372 --> 00:01:30,674
The fancy Swiss chocolate
store on level three.
38
00:01:30,708 --> 00:01:32,059
Oh...
39
00:01:32,093 --> 00:01:36,096
Oh, Homer, you're
the anchor store of my heart.
40
00:01:36,147 --> 00:01:38,398
Just call me Borders Books,
41
00:01:38,433 --> 00:01:41,018
'cause I'll always be here.
42
00:01:41,052 --> 00:01:43,437
(theme from Love Story playing)
43
00:01:51,479 --> 00:01:52,613
Haw haw!
44
00:01:52,647 --> 00:01:55,332
His first word.
45
00:02:11,415 --> 00:02:15,269
Oh, Homie, what a
wonderful anniversary.
46
00:02:15,303 --> 00:02:18,722
Yep, we've got something
money can't buy.
47
00:02:18,756 --> 00:02:20,090
Love on a train.
48
00:02:20,108 --> 00:02:22,425
And I promise
each anniversary
49
00:02:22,443 --> 00:02:24,161
will be better and better.
50
00:02:24,195 --> 00:02:25,913
Oh.
51
00:02:25,947 --> 00:02:28,565
They have to get off
and get back on.
52
00:02:28,599 --> 00:02:31,285
Sometimes you have to
say to hell with rules.
53
00:02:31,319 --> 00:02:33,453
(grunting)
54
00:02:35,490 --> 00:02:38,141
But somehow our anniversaries
didn't get better
55
00:02:38,176 --> 00:02:39,943
than that first one
on the train.
56
00:02:39,978 --> 00:02:43,630
Wait, you named me
after a train?
57
00:02:43,665 --> 00:02:45,799
Yeah, just like
we did with Bart.
58
00:02:45,833 --> 00:02:47,834
Anyway, this year,
I'm gonna re-create
59
00:02:47,885 --> 00:02:50,003
our magical first
anniversary,
60
00:02:50,054 --> 00:02:52,806
ending with a romantic ride
on that... (gasps)
61
00:02:53,875 --> 00:02:55,792
Why are you taking
away the train?
62
00:02:55,810 --> 00:02:57,794
I'm afraid
no one rides it anymore
63
00:03:00,565 --> 00:03:02,816
So we're replacing it
with something that makes money
64
00:03:02,850 --> 00:03:05,085
and sends people
to the food court.
65
00:03:05,119 --> 00:03:06,186
Step right up.
66
00:03:06,220 --> 00:03:07,487
Medical marijuana.
67
00:03:07,522 --> 00:03:08,689
You got nausea, my friend?
68
00:03:08,723 --> 00:03:10,991
Everyone's got nausea.
69
00:03:11,025 --> 00:03:13,493
And what is your malady, my son?
70
00:03:13,528 --> 00:03:16,096
Uh, I had one,
but I forgot it.
71
00:03:16,130 --> 00:03:17,464
Memory loss!
72
00:03:17,498 --> 00:03:19,266
Could be a brain tumor.
73
00:03:19,300 --> 00:03:21,602
Take this
and go see Fantasia.
74
00:03:21,636 --> 00:03:23,170
(Homer moaning sadly)
75
00:03:23,204 --> 00:03:26,023
Kids, I've only had
three great ideas--
76
00:03:26,057 --> 00:03:29,259
marrying your mother,
using a hot dog as a straw
77
00:03:29,277 --> 00:03:31,895
and this romantic
train ride anniversary.
78
00:03:31,929 --> 00:03:33,730
Sir, I need this train.
79
00:03:33,764 --> 00:03:35,649
Eh, take it home.
It's yours.
80
00:03:35,700 --> 00:03:37,818
Are you sure Mom
is really gonna want
81
00:03:37,869 --> 00:03:39,536
a rusted-out kiddie train?
82
00:03:39,570 --> 00:03:41,004
She won't see it like this.
83
00:03:41,039 --> 00:03:42,823
I'll make this train
look as beautiful
84
00:03:42,874 --> 00:03:45,125
as it did
when this mall was young.
85
00:03:45,159 --> 00:03:48,028
Aw, Dad, I just got
a little twinge in my heart.
86
00:03:48,062 --> 00:03:49,046
Try this.
87
00:03:49,080 --> 00:03:50,480
You stay away
from my kids
88
00:03:50,515 --> 00:03:52,516
unless you're driving
them to school!
89
00:03:52,550 --> 00:03:55,185
So, I'm not babysitting
tomorrow night?
90
00:03:55,219 --> 00:03:56,786
Oh, we're still on
for tomorrow night.
91
00:03:59,791 --> 00:04:02,592
Dad, do we have
to ride like this?
92
00:04:02,626 --> 00:04:06,396
Hey, what could be cooler than a
choo-choo with lollipops on it?
93
00:04:06,431 --> 00:04:10,183
Hey, babies-- where you
going in your baby train?
94
00:04:10,234 --> 00:04:11,985
Babytown?
95
00:04:12,020 --> 00:04:14,855
Shake it off, kids--
they're just jealous.
96
00:04:14,906 --> 00:04:17,190
Hey, lardo, where you
going in your lardo car?
97
00:04:17,241 --> 00:04:18,575
Lardville?
98
00:04:18,609 --> 00:04:20,043
There's no such place!
99
00:04:20,078 --> 00:04:21,912
(laughing)
100
00:04:22,880 --> 00:04:24,181
MARGE:
Okay.
101
00:04:24,215 --> 00:04:25,849
I've entered my billing address,
102
00:04:25,883 --> 00:04:28,885
expiration date... and charged.
103
00:04:28,920 --> 00:04:30,887
We're back
from "Baby Beethovens."
104
00:04:30,922 --> 00:04:33,623
(playing Mozart's
"Eine Kleine Nachtmusik")
105
00:04:33,658 --> 00:04:37,294
That's Mozart, dummy.
106
00:04:37,328 --> 00:04:38,962
Well, thanks
for watching Maggie.
107
00:04:38,996 --> 00:04:41,365
I just ordered Homer's
anniversary gift.
108
00:04:41,399 --> 00:04:42,883
Must be tough.
109
00:04:42,917 --> 00:04:45,385
Yeah, what size cuff links
do you get an elephant?
110
00:04:45,420 --> 00:04:48,288
Well, in the first place,
the elephant's cuff links
111
00:04:48,322 --> 00:04:49,923
would be the same size.
112
00:04:49,957 --> 00:04:51,625
It's the cuffs
that would be bigger.
113
00:04:51,659 --> 00:04:53,860
As for Homer,
I'm getting him a case
114
00:04:53,895 --> 00:04:55,946
of his favorite snack cakes,
Dolly Madison.
115
00:04:55,980 --> 00:04:58,415
Marge, this isn't
Dolly Madison.
116
00:04:58,449 --> 00:05:00,884
It's Sassy Madison.
117
00:05:00,918 --> 00:05:03,887
Trust me, Homer doesn't care
where the cupcakes come from.
118
00:05:03,921 --> 00:05:07,824
Sassy Madison is a dating site
for married people
119
00:05:07,859 --> 00:05:10,594
who are tired
of the same old dessert.
120
00:05:10,628 --> 00:05:12,629
(gasps)
121
00:05:14,532 --> 00:05:17,417
Check out
their webvertisement.
122
00:05:20,204 --> 00:05:23,590
♪ Kelly was at
the end of her wits ♪
123
00:05:23,624 --> 00:05:27,511
♪ Her husband
was truly the pits ♪
124
00:05:27,545 --> 00:05:29,846
♪ Her relationship spousal
125
00:05:29,881 --> 00:05:31,948
♪ Had zero arousal
126
00:05:31,983 --> 00:05:33,817
♪ Then she watched
this commercial ♪
127
00:05:33,851 --> 00:05:36,686
♪ And found herself Herschel
128
00:05:36,721 --> 00:05:40,807
♪ Thanks to Sassy Madison.com.
129
00:05:40,842 --> 00:05:42,509
ANNOUNCER:
Sassy Madison.com.
130
00:05:42,543 --> 00:05:44,644
It's not cheating if you
don't know the person well.
131
00:05:44,679 --> 00:05:48,181
I just put all my personal
information on their Web site.
132
00:05:48,216 --> 00:05:51,318
So now you're gonna get hit on
by every loser in town.
133
00:05:51,352 --> 00:05:55,989
And this town's got losers like
Mexico has headless corpses.
134
00:05:57,492 --> 00:05:59,976
So many unhappy men.
135
00:06:00,011 --> 00:06:01,478
How sad.
136
00:06:01,512 --> 00:06:03,647
You've got a lot of fish
wriggling in that net.
137
00:06:03,681 --> 00:06:06,383
Maybe I should get married
so I can date these guys.
138
00:06:06,417 --> 00:06:08,452
Selma, cheating is a sin.
139
00:06:08,486 --> 00:06:11,788
As much a sin as not replying
to an instant message.
140
00:06:11,823 --> 00:06:13,490
So, if you'll excuse me,
141
00:06:13,524 --> 00:06:17,227
I've got a lot of sleazy
gentlemen to let down gently.
142
00:06:17,261 --> 00:06:18,495
(Sassy Madison
commercial jingle playing)
143
00:06:18,529 --> 00:06:20,009
Are you watching
the commercial again?
144
00:06:20,031 --> 00:06:22,165
I'm a fan of animation.
145
00:06:22,200 --> 00:06:23,700
LOVEJOY:
Oh, Lord,
146
00:06:23,734 --> 00:06:26,369
may thy couplings
stay forever locked,
147
00:06:26,404 --> 00:06:29,806
and may thy dead man switch
never be used.
148
00:06:29,841 --> 00:06:31,007
ALL:
Amen.
149
00:06:31,042 --> 00:06:32,482
All right, guys,
let's get this train
150
00:06:32,510 --> 00:06:34,177
fixed up for
Homer's anniversary.
151
00:06:34,212 --> 00:06:36,396
But first,
start your power tools.
152
00:06:41,552 --> 00:06:43,136
(laughs)
153
00:06:45,006 --> 00:06:47,390
MARGE (sighs):
One more to go, and I'm done.
154
00:06:47,425 --> 00:06:49,559
"Dear Horny in Haverbrook:
155
00:06:49,594 --> 00:06:51,344
"Sorry. I'm not interested
156
00:06:51,395 --> 00:06:53,313
"in cheating
on my wonderful husband,
157
00:06:53,347 --> 00:06:55,765
"who is described
in the attached PDF.
158
00:06:55,800 --> 00:06:58,068
"Say hello to my trash folder.
159
00:06:58,102 --> 00:06:59,636
Marge Simpson."
160
00:07:00,521 --> 00:07:02,739
Hi, Homie!
161
00:07:02,773 --> 00:07:05,242
A crazy thing happened
when I was ordering
162
00:07:05,276 --> 00:07:07,010
your anniversary gift.
163
00:07:07,044 --> 00:07:08,445
HOMER:
Don't blow the surprise.
164
00:07:08,479 --> 00:07:09,746
Pretend you forgot.
165
00:07:09,780 --> 00:07:11,214
Uh, anniversary?
166
00:07:11,249 --> 00:07:12,215
That coming up?
167
00:07:12,250 --> 00:07:14,117
Yes, and it's a big one.
168
00:07:14,151 --> 00:07:15,552
Remember?
169
00:07:15,586 --> 00:07:18,421
Marge, I am focused
on this like a laser.
170
00:07:18,456 --> 00:07:19,923
(laughs) "Laser."
171
00:07:19,957 --> 00:07:21,591
That's a funny word.
172
00:07:21,626 --> 00:07:23,176
It's just "loser" with an "A."
173
00:07:23,211 --> 00:07:25,862
And speaking of losers,
I lost my train of thought.
174
00:07:25,897 --> 00:07:28,765
Oh, and speaking of trains,
wait till you see...
175
00:07:28,799 --> 00:07:29,766
(shrieks)
176
00:07:29,800 --> 00:07:31,735
The surprise is safe.
177
00:07:31,769 --> 00:07:34,771
The expression on her face
will be priceless.
178
00:07:34,805 --> 00:07:38,041
(groans) He forgot
our anniversary again?
179
00:07:38,075 --> 00:07:41,811
He remembers the exact number
of pork chops in the freezer.
180
00:07:41,846 --> 00:07:43,513
Currently-- zero.
181
00:07:43,548 --> 00:07:45,465
(humming happily)
182
00:07:45,499 --> 00:07:46,933
(computer chimes)
(groans)
183
00:07:46,968 --> 00:07:49,536
One of those cyber smoochers
wrote me back.
184
00:07:49,570 --> 00:07:50,904
MAN:
Thanks for your note.
185
00:07:50,938 --> 00:07:52,472
You seem way too nice
for this site.
186
00:07:52,506 --> 00:07:53,640
Why are you here?
187
00:07:53,674 --> 00:07:54,908
Good question.
188
00:07:54,942 --> 00:07:57,961
"I thought I was buying
snack cakes."
189
00:07:57,995 --> 00:07:59,262
That's so cute.
190
00:07:59,297 --> 00:08:00,597
Really, really cute.
191
00:08:00,631 --> 00:08:02,883
You... you are over 18, right?
192
00:08:02,917 --> 00:08:04,968
"I am, and you seem
more interested
193
00:08:05,002 --> 00:08:07,120
in my day than my husband."
194
00:08:07,154 --> 00:08:09,456
I know what it's like
not to be listened to.
195
00:08:09,490 --> 00:08:11,491
Please ignore every
sensible instinct you have
196
00:08:11,525 --> 00:08:13,126
and continue this conversation.
197
00:08:13,160 --> 00:08:16,162
And by the way,
this is my real voice.
198
00:08:16,197 --> 00:08:18,114
(phone rings)
199
00:08:18,149 --> 00:08:19,683
HOMER:
Don't worry, Moe.
200
00:08:19,717 --> 00:08:22,185
When Marge is asleep,
I'll sneak back.
201
00:08:22,219 --> 00:08:24,421
Oh, good, the
strippers are here.
202
00:08:24,455 --> 00:08:26,189
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah!
203
00:08:26,223 --> 00:08:27,490
That is all coming off.
204
00:08:27,525 --> 00:08:29,876
(groans)
205
00:08:30,645 --> 00:08:32,812
"Tell me more."
206
00:08:36,306 --> 00:08:37,506
(groans)
207
00:08:37,540 --> 00:08:39,458
Homie, I bet
you're wondering
208
00:08:39,492 --> 00:08:42,995
why I stayed on the
computer until 4:00 a.m.
209
00:08:43,029 --> 00:08:45,130
Hey, those Yelp reviews
don't write themselves.
210
00:08:45,165 --> 00:08:47,699
Did you know a well-placed
one star can destroy
211
00:08:47,734 --> 00:08:49,835
a mom-and-pop hardware
in nothing flat?
212
00:08:49,869 --> 00:08:52,871
Listen, I want us
to be honest with each other.
213
00:08:52,906 --> 00:08:54,706
HOMER:
Uh-oh. If you're honest,
214
00:08:54,741 --> 00:08:56,375
you'll have to tell her
about the train.
215
00:08:56,409 --> 00:08:57,810
Huh? What train?
216
00:08:57,844 --> 00:08:59,611
How stupid are you?
217
00:08:59,646 --> 00:09:01,680
Hey, thinking
is your department, jerk.
218
00:09:01,714 --> 00:09:03,682
That's what I pay you
in beer for.
219
00:09:03,716 --> 00:09:05,517
Just for that,
I'm not gonna help you.
220
00:09:05,552 --> 00:09:07,853
What? Where are you going,
you...? (grumbles)
221
00:09:07,887 --> 00:09:08,887
Oh!
222
00:09:08,922 --> 00:09:10,155
Um, Marge, I have to go.
223
00:09:10,190 --> 00:09:12,558
What? Now? Why?
224
00:09:14,227 --> 00:09:15,310
(shrieks)
225
00:09:15,345 --> 00:09:16,411
(door slams)
226
00:09:17,213 --> 00:09:19,348
(phone dings)
227
00:09:22,418 --> 00:09:23,886
He's writing me again.
228
00:09:23,920 --> 00:09:26,405
Better put a stop to this.
229
00:09:26,439 --> 00:09:27,589
(phone dings nearby)
230
00:09:27,624 --> 00:09:29,925
Is that him getting the text?
231
00:09:31,594 --> 00:09:32,561
(phone dings nearby)
232
00:09:32,595 --> 00:09:33,929
He's in the market.
233
00:09:33,963 --> 00:09:36,932
We might have squeezed
the same tomatoes.
234
00:09:36,966 --> 00:09:38,350
Are you Marge?
235
00:09:38,384 --> 00:09:40,752
Ooh, I'm going to hell.
236
00:09:40,787 --> 00:09:42,754
I'm sorry. I didn't even
know you were here.
237
00:09:42,789 --> 00:09:45,190
What a crazy coincidence
that you buy food, too.
238
00:09:45,225 --> 00:09:48,160
Gee, I thought you'd be
some kind of creep.
239
00:09:48,194 --> 00:09:51,213
But you're actually a
perfectly normal-looking...
240
00:09:51,247 --> 00:09:52,681
Whoa!
241
00:09:52,715 --> 00:09:53,949
"A" is for "apple," right?
242
00:09:54,651 --> 00:09:56,218
Okay.
243
00:09:56,252 --> 00:09:57,219
I'll-I'll just be going.
244
00:09:57,237 --> 00:09:58,420
Wait, wait, wait!
245
00:09:58,454 --> 00:10:00,105
Let me get the stain out.
246
00:10:00,139 --> 00:10:01,540
But not here.
247
00:10:02,809 --> 00:10:05,944
I know a place where no one
in town will see us.
248
00:10:07,080 --> 00:10:09,081
(wind whistling)
249
00:10:10,116 --> 00:10:11,517
(grunts) There you go.
250
00:10:11,551 --> 00:10:12,751
Good as new.
251
00:10:12,785 --> 00:10:14,586
Now, let me at least
buy you a coffee,
252
00:10:14,621 --> 00:10:17,039
or dare I say a Danish?
253
00:10:17,073 --> 00:10:18,190
No Danishes!
254
00:10:18,224 --> 00:10:20,592
Sorry. I go to pastry
way too fast.
255
00:10:20,627 --> 00:10:22,194
I want to be very clear.
256
00:10:22,228 --> 00:10:23,929
I'm a happily married woman.
257
00:10:23,963 --> 00:10:25,631
Going on ten years.
258
00:10:25,665 --> 00:10:27,799
The aluminum anniversary.
259
00:10:27,850 --> 00:10:31,803
Nothing turns leftovers
into swans like aluminum.
260
00:10:31,838 --> 00:10:34,273
MARGE:
What the heck am I saying?
261
00:10:34,307 --> 00:10:37,643
Homer's probably at that bar
right now, getting hammered.
262
00:10:37,677 --> 00:10:38,777
(yells)
263
00:10:38,811 --> 00:10:40,312
All worth it for Marge.
264
00:10:40,346 --> 00:10:41,980
Marge, you are
terrific.
265
00:10:42,015 --> 00:10:45,918
I am so glad I reset my distance
filter from 15 to 25 miles.
266
00:10:45,952 --> 00:10:46,732
Mmm...
267
00:10:46,757 --> 00:10:49,256
Your Homer is
the luckiest man on earth.
268
00:10:49,505 --> 00:10:51,473
Well, he keeps falling
down a cliff and living,
269
00:10:51,507 --> 00:10:53,308
so I guess that's true.
270
00:10:53,343 --> 00:10:56,078
The only time my wife and I talk
is when I apologize.
271
00:10:56,112 --> 00:10:58,413
(posh English accent):
"Life's an infernal muddle,"
272
00:10:58,448 --> 00:11:00,949
as Mr. Drake says
on Upton Rectory.
273
00:11:00,984 --> 00:11:04,086
Ooh, I love that show.
274
00:11:04,120 --> 00:11:05,187
Isn't it great?
275
00:11:05,221 --> 00:11:07,022
Finally, a reason
to watch TV on Sundays.
276
00:11:07,056 --> 00:11:09,258
Such great characters,
277
00:11:09,292 --> 00:11:11,927
like Buxton,
the scheming larder-keep.
278
00:11:11,961 --> 00:11:15,931
Why can't Lady Cavendish see
he's pilfering the aspic?
279
00:11:15,965 --> 00:11:17,299
(shudders)
280
00:11:17,333 --> 00:11:19,084
Uh, does...
does Homer watch?
281
00:11:19,118 --> 00:11:22,154
He says shows set during
World War I are too sad.
282
00:11:22,188 --> 00:11:24,923
Particularly how everyone's
always climbing stairs.
283
00:11:24,958 --> 00:11:27,960
You are watching the season
finale this week, right?
284
00:11:27,994 --> 00:11:30,028
Yeah. Alone, I'm sure.
285
00:11:30,063 --> 00:11:31,663
Well, we could, uh...
286
00:11:31,698 --> 00:11:33,048
live blog it.
287
00:11:33,082 --> 00:11:35,317
Save that sugar
for your coffee, bub.
288
00:11:38,538 --> 00:11:41,323
♪ I've been working
on the railroad... ♪
289
00:11:41,357 --> 00:11:42,841
Why are you singing that?
290
00:11:42,875 --> 00:11:44,509
Because it's in
the public domain.
291
00:11:44,544 --> 00:11:46,445
(phone rings)
Hello!
292
00:11:46,479 --> 00:11:48,997
It's Moe from Moe's Tavern.
293
00:11:49,032 --> 00:11:51,033
Oh, uh, I'd better
take this.
294
00:11:51,067 --> 00:11:53,235
You see, Moe's been
depressed and needs
295
00:11:53,269 --> 00:11:55,971
to hear a friendly voice.
(chuckles)
296
00:11:56,005 --> 00:11:59,207
Why the hell are you calling me
at home, you moron?!
297
00:11:59,242 --> 00:12:02,477
Lovejoy went to get a hamburger,
and the whole thing fell apart!
298
00:12:02,511 --> 00:12:04,146
I'm getting cooked
like a cabbage.
299
00:12:04,180 --> 00:12:05,747
Then keep quiet like a cabbage!
300
00:12:05,782 --> 00:12:07,783
All right, all right,
I'll be right there.
301
00:12:07,817 --> 00:12:10,886
(humming "I've Been Working
on the Railroad")
302
00:12:12,755 --> 00:12:14,423
(groans)
303
00:12:21,731 --> 00:12:24,900
Is it me, or did this house
just get classy?
304
00:12:24,934 --> 00:12:26,952
(laughing and grunting)
305
00:12:28,971 --> 00:12:31,039
Mom, Lisa made me break a lamp.
306
00:12:31,074 --> 00:12:34,993
Mom, Bart's twisting facts
in an Orwellian fashion.
307
00:12:35,028 --> 00:12:36,995
Can I have one hour
of grown-up time
308
00:12:37,030 --> 00:12:39,131
where you two aren't
tattling on each other
309
00:12:39,165 --> 00:12:41,166
or using obscure
references?
310
00:12:41,200 --> 00:12:42,734
Orwell, obscure?
311
00:12:42,769 --> 00:12:44,202
The author of Animal Farm?
312
00:12:44,253 --> 00:12:46,054
Grampa says
he was a Commie.
313
00:12:46,089 --> 00:12:47,372
No tattling!
314
00:12:55,248 --> 00:12:58,216
ANNOUNCER: Upton Rectory is made possible
by a sizeable endowment
315
00:12:58,251 --> 00:12:59,951
from Hooters Restaurants,
316
00:12:59,986 --> 00:13:02,954
and a generous grant from a man
named Generous Grant.
317
00:13:02,989 --> 00:13:05,590
(phone rings)
318
00:13:07,960 --> 00:13:10,295
Are you watching it?
319
00:13:10,329 --> 00:13:11,463
No, I can't.
320
00:13:11,497 --> 00:13:13,365
My wife's watching
a reality show
321
00:13:13,399 --> 00:13:15,600
about a man
who repossesses zoo animals.
322
00:13:15,635 --> 00:13:17,285
Come on, Taser
that flamingo!
323
00:13:17,320 --> 00:13:18,954
(electrical buzzing,
flamingo shrieking)
324
00:13:18,988 --> 00:13:21,623
Can't believe I'm missing
the finale.
325
00:13:21,657 --> 00:13:24,292
Hmm... Maybe I can help.
326
00:13:24,327 --> 00:13:26,161
Bless it all,
Polly, I love you!
327
00:13:26,195 --> 00:13:27,562
And we shall be wed
328
00:13:27,597 --> 00:13:30,465
by Boxing Day Eve,
aka Christmas.
329
00:13:30,500 --> 00:13:33,001
But Lord Upton has forbidden it,
on the grounds
330
00:13:33,035 --> 00:13:34,836
that he once saw me exchange
pleasantries
331
00:13:34,871 --> 00:13:36,838
with the Egyptian riding master.
332
00:13:36,873 --> 00:13:38,907
Can you follow everything okay?
333
00:13:38,941 --> 00:13:41,676
I guess sometimes
you just don't end up
334
00:13:41,711 --> 00:13:44,012
with the person
you're supposed to.
335
00:13:44,046 --> 00:13:46,314
Marge, can I use your free
Amazon shipping?
336
00:13:46,349 --> 00:13:47,816
Not a good time!
337
00:13:47,850 --> 00:13:49,284
I know your password!
338
00:13:49,318 --> 00:13:52,971
Drake, Polly,
perhaps I was too hasty.
339
00:13:53,005 --> 00:13:54,606
(gasping)
340
00:13:54,640 --> 00:13:56,341
Love should flower,
341
00:13:56,375 --> 00:13:59,978
even an ill-advised alliance
between a coarse Irish maid
342
00:14:00,012 --> 00:14:03,248
and a man who once served me
soup from the wrong side.
343
00:14:03,282 --> 00:14:06,351
He hasn't been the same
since the war, Lord Upton.
344
00:14:06,385 --> 00:14:07,819
Hush, Polly.
345
00:14:07,854 --> 00:14:10,272
Who you marry is none
of your concern.
346
00:14:10,306 --> 00:14:12,858
I have something to say.
347
00:14:12,892 --> 00:14:15,327
The dowager grandmum!
348
00:14:15,361 --> 00:14:17,712
I'm afraid you
cannot marry...
349
00:14:17,747 --> 00:14:20,115
without a proper ring.
350
00:14:20,149 --> 00:14:23,535
Take mine--
the Star of Bombay.
351
00:14:23,569 --> 00:14:25,303
Once again, India is denuded
352
00:14:25,338 --> 00:14:28,106
of her treasure
by the imperialist devils.
353
00:14:28,141 --> 00:14:29,608
Why do we watch
this show?
354
00:14:29,642 --> 00:14:31,209
Because I like
the costumes!
355
00:14:31,244 --> 00:14:33,645
(elegant classical music plays)
356
00:14:35,181 --> 00:14:36,815
(both sigh)
357
00:14:36,849 --> 00:14:38,483
I've never felt
so flushed
358
00:14:38,518 --> 00:14:40,285
after watching
public television.
359
00:14:40,319 --> 00:14:42,954
Maybe sometime we could...
watch it in the same room.
360
00:14:42,989 --> 00:14:43,989
Chat room?
361
00:14:44,023 --> 00:14:44,990
Room room.
362
00:14:45,024 --> 00:14:46,691
Show's over!
363
00:14:46,726 --> 00:14:48,860
(sighs) That turned
ultra-steamy in a jiff.
364
00:14:48,895 --> 00:14:50,662
I can still hear you.
365
00:14:50,696 --> 00:14:51,897
(screams)
366
00:14:51,931 --> 00:14:54,099
I can still hear you.
367
00:14:55,168 --> 00:14:56,501
(screams)
368
00:14:58,941 --> 00:15:00,558
(grunts)
(door opens)
369
00:15:00,592 --> 00:15:02,744
Happy anniversary, Mom!
Happy anniversary, Mom!
370
00:15:03,595 --> 00:15:05,029
Our gift is us!
371
00:15:05,064 --> 00:15:07,899
Three kids with no money,
but plenty of love!
372
00:15:07,933 --> 00:15:10,835
(noisemaker blares)
(gasps) That's great.
373
00:15:10,869 --> 00:15:13,571
I wonder what surprise
your father has in store.
374
00:15:13,605 --> 00:15:17,075
(Homer yelling and groaning)
375
00:15:17,109 --> 00:15:18,943
HOMER:
Boy, oh, boy!
376
00:15:18,977 --> 00:15:22,013
Oh, Marge,
I threw my back out!
377
00:15:22,047 --> 00:15:25,366
Can you please refill this
prescription right away?
378
00:15:25,401 --> 00:15:27,535
(sighs) Where's it from?
379
00:15:27,569 --> 00:15:30,405
It's in Drugtown...
not the nice part.
380
00:15:30,439 --> 00:15:33,775
That'll take hours!
On our anniversary!
381
00:15:33,809 --> 00:15:36,911
And what better way to
spend it than commemorating
382
00:15:36,945 --> 00:15:40,281
the glorious words you
spoke ten years ago:
383
00:15:40,315 --> 00:15:41,549
"for worse." Oh!
384
00:15:41,583 --> 00:15:43,050
Oh!
Ow!
385
00:15:43,085 --> 00:15:44,285
(groans)
386
00:15:44,319 --> 00:15:45,586
Ooh!
387
00:15:45,621 --> 00:15:46,988
(groans)
388
00:15:47,022 --> 00:15:48,256
(moaning)
389
00:15:48,290 --> 00:15:49,957
(groans)
(chuckles)
390
00:15:49,992 --> 00:15:51,993
Hmm.
391
00:15:52,027 --> 00:15:53,478
(chuckling)
392
00:15:53,512 --> 00:15:54,612
It's working.
393
00:15:56,365 --> 00:15:59,317
She's gone. All right, everyone,
magically appear.
394
00:16:05,491 --> 00:16:08,226
Wow, Moe, great
shrub costume.
395
00:16:08,260 --> 00:16:11,162
Yeah. I sell 'em on the Internet
for like-minded people.
396
00:16:11,196 --> 00:16:13,164
Now, let's lay some track.
397
00:16:13,198 --> 00:16:15,066
You guys are the best.
398
00:16:15,100 --> 00:16:16,667
I just want you to know
399
00:16:16,702 --> 00:16:19,003
when I'm holding Marge
in my arms tonight,
400
00:16:19,037 --> 00:16:21,439
I'll be thinking of all of you.
401
00:16:21,473 --> 00:16:23,641
(all cheer, then groan)
402
00:16:24,793 --> 00:16:26,744
(dog howling)
403
00:16:26,779 --> 00:16:27,929
When does it get better?
404
00:16:27,963 --> 00:16:29,680
When he's 800 pounds
and has to be
405
00:16:29,715 --> 00:16:32,833
cut out of the house
to go to a movie?
406
00:16:32,851 --> 00:16:36,270
I lost my cleaning stick
in my belly fat.
407
00:16:36,305 --> 00:16:37,638
But I found a kitten.
408
00:16:37,672 --> 00:16:38,940
(meows)
409
00:16:38,974 --> 00:16:41,142
That is so sweet.
410
00:16:41,176 --> 00:16:43,027
There I go again, settling.
411
00:16:43,061 --> 00:16:45,363
Marge, run off with me.
Bring your kid.
412
00:16:45,397 --> 00:16:47,181
I have three kids.
413
00:16:47,199 --> 00:16:49,934
Whoa, you really went all in
with this guy, didn't you?
414
00:16:49,968 --> 00:16:51,786
Get out of my head.
415
00:16:51,820 --> 00:16:53,821
I guess this
is good-bye, then.
416
00:16:57,376 --> 00:16:59,827
♪ Someday
417
00:16:59,861 --> 00:17:03,664
♪ When I'm awfully low
418
00:17:03,698 --> 00:17:05,867
♪ When the world is cold...
419
00:17:05,901 --> 00:17:07,735
I said no!
420
00:17:07,769 --> 00:17:09,203
Fine. Sorry.
421
00:17:11,206 --> 00:17:15,476
♪ Just thinking of you, Marge
422
00:17:15,511 --> 00:17:19,180
♪ And the way
you look tonight. ♪
423
00:17:19,214 --> 00:17:22,183
The Nelson Riddle Orchestra!
424
00:17:22,217 --> 00:17:23,851
Leave me alone!
425
00:17:23,885 --> 00:17:25,236
Fine.
426
00:17:25,270 --> 00:17:28,089
Sorry, guys,
you're dead again.
427
00:17:31,627 --> 00:17:35,196
I'm gonna do what I've done
at every key point of my life:
428
00:17:35,230 --> 00:17:36,914
suck it in and smile.
429
00:17:36,949 --> 00:17:38,566
(grunts)
430
00:17:38,584 --> 00:17:42,019
There goes a woman
who's unhappy with her partner.
431
00:17:42,054 --> 00:17:43,871
Yeah, I know
how she feels.
432
00:17:43,905 --> 00:17:45,239
Yeah. What was that?
433
00:17:45,257 --> 00:17:46,574
(chuckles)
434
00:17:53,115 --> 00:17:54,749
(train whistle blows)
435
00:17:54,783 --> 00:17:56,250
What the...?
436
00:17:56,285 --> 00:17:58,386
Happy anniversary!
437
00:17:58,420 --> 00:17:59,387
(gasps)
438
00:17:59,421 --> 00:18:02,690
Oh, my God.
Our train.
439
00:18:02,724 --> 00:18:04,692
Homie, you do care.
440
00:18:04,726 --> 00:18:06,360
You care a lot.
441
00:18:06,395 --> 00:18:09,263
What a wonderful anniversary.
442
00:18:09,281 --> 00:18:11,632
Do you think
we'll last 25 years?
443
00:18:11,667 --> 00:18:12,967
Nothing should.
444
00:18:15,404 --> 00:18:17,972
Trains...
they can fix every marriage.
445
00:18:18,006 --> 00:18:19,574
(phone dings)
446
00:18:20,576 --> 00:18:22,043
What the...?
447
00:18:22,077 --> 00:18:25,313
Ugh. Happy moment derailed
by the Bipolar Express.
448
00:18:25,347 --> 00:18:27,732
(chuckles)
None of you heard that.
449
00:18:27,766 --> 00:18:29,901
ALL:
Happy anniversary!
450
00:18:29,935 --> 00:18:32,119
Where is she?
451
00:18:32,137 --> 00:18:34,221
Where the hell
is Marge Simpson?
452
00:18:34,256 --> 00:18:35,640
Ramona, please!
When you asked me
453
00:18:35,674 --> 00:18:37,224
who she was and
where she lived,
454
00:18:37,259 --> 00:18:39,277
I never dreamed you'd
go confront her!
455
00:18:39,311 --> 00:18:41,479
Mmm, I'm Marge Simpson.
456
00:18:41,513 --> 00:18:43,981
So... you're
the kind of man-eater
457
00:18:44,016 --> 00:18:46,417
Hall and Oates
warned us all about.
458
00:18:46,451 --> 00:18:48,419
Hall and Oates?
What's going on here?
459
00:18:48,453 --> 00:18:50,354
Your wife and my husband
460
00:18:50,389 --> 00:18:52,690
have been watching
British TV together!
461
00:18:52,724 --> 00:18:54,625
Costume drama
or naughty comedy?
462
00:18:54,676 --> 00:18:56,310
Drama! Drama!
463
00:18:56,345 --> 00:18:59,764
You just dodged a bullet,
Mr. Sugarpants.
464
00:18:59,798 --> 00:19:02,333
Ben, Ramona,
I want to tell you something
465
00:19:02,367 --> 00:19:04,702
I've learned over
ten years of marriage.
466
00:19:04,736 --> 00:19:08,105
The secret is: no secrets,
467
00:19:08,140 --> 00:19:10,508
except good secrets
like this train.
468
00:19:10,542 --> 00:19:12,043
(indistinct chatter)
469
00:19:12,077 --> 00:19:13,711
My only secrets are:
470
00:19:13,745 --> 00:19:17,148
My marathon time isn't 4:26;
it's never,
471
00:19:17,182 --> 00:19:18,683
I often go online to see
472
00:19:18,717 --> 00:19:20,785
how Lindsay Wagner's
looking now-- fabulous--
473
00:19:20,819 --> 00:19:23,020
and I once pushed a kid
off a swing
474
00:19:23,055 --> 00:19:24,889
and he broke his wrist
or something.
475
00:19:24,923 --> 00:19:28,676
But it's no secret
how much I love my Margie.
476
00:19:28,710 --> 00:19:31,178
Mmm...
Mmm...
477
00:19:31,213 --> 00:19:34,248
Look at them, coochie-cooing
like that time
478
00:19:34,282 --> 00:19:36,751
our connecting flight
was delayed and we got drunk
479
00:19:36,785 --> 00:19:38,686
and friendly
in the Admiral's Club.
480
00:19:38,720 --> 00:19:41,339
That was you? I mean,
it-it was wonderful.
481
00:19:41,373 --> 00:19:43,240
And you're fighting for me.
482
00:19:43,275 --> 00:19:45,693
Maybe that means
you still care.
483
00:19:45,727 --> 00:19:47,028
Of course I do.
484
00:19:47,062 --> 00:19:49,597
Now, let's go home
and spend a romantic night
485
00:19:49,631 --> 00:19:51,899
looking through your computer's
browsing history.
486
00:19:51,933 --> 00:19:54,335
That exists?
Oh, boy.
487
00:19:54,369 --> 00:19:57,722
Honey, just what was going on
with you and that guy?
488
00:19:57,756 --> 00:20:00,825
Well... (clears throat) I was
trying to buy you snack cakes...
489
00:20:00,859 --> 00:20:03,227
Oh, baby, that's all
I needed to hear.
490
00:20:03,261 --> 00:20:04,261
(moaning)
491
00:20:04,296 --> 00:20:07,114
(classical music playing)
492
00:20:18,794 --> 00:20:20,928
How did we get here?
493
00:20:25,664 --> 00:20:29,634
WOMAN: ♪ Marge was feeling
lonely and bored ♪
494
00:20:29,668 --> 00:20:33,121
♪ Every night she was ignored
495
00:20:33,155 --> 00:20:35,523
HOMER:
♪ But when Marge went boo-hoo
496
00:20:35,558 --> 00:20:38,493
♪ I was building a choo-choo
497
00:20:38,527 --> 00:20:40,428
HOMER and MARGE:
♪ And love conquered all
498
00:20:40,463 --> 00:20:43,098
♪ With a train from the mall
499
00:20:43,132 --> 00:20:44,933
(train whistle blows)
500
00:20:46,302 --> 00:20:50,138
WOMAN:
♪ So that very same night
501
00:20:50,172 --> 00:20:53,625
♪ Ben went back on the site
502
00:20:53,659 --> 00:20:58,129
♪ And he lined up a date
with SelmaóBó88 ♪
503
00:20:58,164 --> 00:21:00,031
♪ She said that she's smokin'
504
00:21:00,065 --> 00:21:02,150
♪ And I wasn't jokin'
505
00:21:02,184 --> 00:21:03,985
(screams)
506
00:21:04,019 --> 00:21:05,653
♪ Find love
on the net ♪
507
00:21:05,687 --> 00:21:08,039
♪ You deserve
what you get ♪
508
00:21:08,073 --> 00:21:11,526
♪ Three awesome kids
and a life of regret ♪
509
00:21:11,560 --> 00:21:13,061
(groans)
510
00:21:13,095 --> 00:21:15,079
And now it's time
for Grampa's song!
511
00:21:15,131 --> 00:21:17,312
♪ Down by the old
512
00:21:17,313 --> 00:21:20,906
Not the new, but the old...
♪ Mill stream
513
00:21:20,907 --> 00:21:23,087
Not the river, but the stream.
514
00:21:23,139 --> 00:21:24,840
♪ Where I first...
Not the second or the...
515
00:21:25,973 --> 00:21:27,223
Shh!
516
00:21:27,248 --> 00:21:32,248
== sync, corrected by elderman ==