1 00:00:01,689 --> 00:00:05,455 - Previously on Boston Legal. - Set for your testimony, Renée? 2 00:00:05,526 --> 00:00:07,517 I'm nervous. I'm not as funny when I'm nervous. 3 00:00:07,595 --> 00:00:10,655 - She's very odd, Jerry. - I lost my cherry. 4 00:00:10,731 --> 00:00:13,222 - It was with Dana? - Of course it was with Dana. She's my girlfriend. 5 00:00:13,300 --> 00:00:14,892 - Jerry's girlfriend. - What about her? 6 00:00:14,969 --> 00:00:16,994 I didn't entirely give up the brothel business. 7 00:00:17,071 --> 00:00:19,039 I'm not gonna date a call girl. 8 00:00:19,106 --> 00:00:22,041 When I tell you I love you, that isn't a lie. 9 00:00:22,109 --> 00:00:24,737 - Please leave. - Denny, if you were president... 10 00:00:24,812 --> 00:00:26,973 - seriously, you would nuke Iraq and Iran? - Before breakfast. 11 00:00:27,048 --> 00:00:29,915 - North Korea? Pakistan? - Okay. Why not? 12 00:00:29,984 --> 00:00:31,542 - Afghanistan? - If there's time. 13 00:00:37,925 --> 00:00:39,859 Tap dancing? 14 00:00:39,927 --> 00:00:42,896 I used it before to battle stage fright when I first went into litigation. 15 00:00:42,963 --> 00:00:46,262 But it's also effective for stress therapy. 16 00:00:46,333 --> 00:00:48,267 A trained therapist actually suggested this? 17 00:00:48,335 --> 00:00:52,431 - Is it too weird? - Well, yes, Jerry. 18 00:00:52,506 --> 00:00:54,770 The popping, the wooden cigarette... 19 00:00:54,842 --> 00:00:57,902 the tics, all of this I understand, and even appreciate, but- 20 00:01:00,848 --> 00:01:03,408 Dana! Hello. Welcome... not. 21 00:01:04,485 --> 00:01:06,510 Hello, Jerry. Katie. 22 00:01:06,587 --> 00:01:10,353 - Dana. - Listen, uh- 23 00:01:10,424 --> 00:01:12,449 How do I say this? 24 00:01:12,526 --> 00:01:14,892 There's nothing to say, Dana. I made my position clear. 25 00:01:14,962 --> 00:01:18,591 I am finished. Read my- Lips! 26 00:01:18,666 --> 00:01:22,693 Hello, Lorraine. You were my next stop. 27 00:01:22,770 --> 00:01:25,739 I'm not here to ask you to take me back, as much as I'd like that. 28 00:01:25,806 --> 00:01:29,333 I was arrested last night. 29 00:01:29,410 --> 00:01:32,971 One of my clients- One of your clients- 30 00:01:33,047 --> 00:01:36,813 is an undercover agent working for the Boston Police Department. 31 00:01:36,884 --> 00:01:39,546 I'm in a little bit of trouble. 32 00:01:39,620 --> 00:01:42,612 I'm here in need of a lawyer. 33 00:01:42,690 --> 00:01:44,624 - She's a call girl. - Can you believe it? 34 00:01:44,692 --> 00:01:47,286 First Lorraine, then this girl. Hookers wherever you look. 35 00:01:47,361 --> 00:01:51,491 And have you seen this girl? Dana? My God, she's so beautiful. 36 00:01:51,565 --> 00:01:54,557 And to think she's only a credit card away. 37 00:01:54,635 --> 00:01:56,603 Denny? 38 00:01:56,670 --> 00:02:00,128 Well, well, well! Finally come to pay your bet? 39 00:02:00,207 --> 00:02:02,971 - How are you, Denny? - $10,000 richer, I hope. 40 00:02:03,043 --> 00:02:05,910 Alan Shore, Paul Cruickshank. I beat his ass at golf for five grand. 41 00:02:05,980 --> 00:02:10,212 Then kicked what was left of it in the courtroom for another five. 42 00:02:10,284 --> 00:02:13,219 The bet was you were supposed to come crawling in with your money. 43 00:02:13,287 --> 00:02:16,484 - I'm not here about the bet, Denny. - What is it then? 44 00:02:18,092 --> 00:02:21,823 - It's extremely confidential. - We're married. 45 00:02:21,896 --> 00:02:26,333 May I speak to you in private, please? 46 00:02:34,108 --> 00:02:36,133 I'm assuming your office isn't bugged. 47 00:02:36,210 --> 00:02:38,508 It might be. Why do you care? 48 00:02:38,579 --> 00:02:40,604 Uh, once I tell you why I'm here... 49 00:02:40,681 --> 00:02:45,311 you'll realize this visit pains me far more than it does you. 50 00:02:45,386 --> 00:02:51,018 - Let's get to that part then. - You know I'm on the Republican National Committee. 51 00:02:52,459 --> 00:02:56,054 What do you think, honestly, ofJohn McCain? 52 00:02:56,130 --> 00:02:59,725 Yes. That perception appears to be shared. 53 00:02:59,800 --> 00:03:04,567 Next question. Do you know how W. Got to be president? 54 00:03:04,638 --> 00:03:07,334 - His S.A.T. Scores? - We picked him. 55 00:03:07,408 --> 00:03:10,138 - Not because of his intelligence. - Gee. 56 00:03:10,211 --> 00:03:12,076 - Or that he was a great speaker. - No? 57 00:03:12,146 --> 00:03:14,808 But because he tracks. He was a cowboy. 58 00:03:14,882 --> 00:03:17,510 He was somebody we could sell to the American public. 59 00:03:17,585 --> 00:03:19,519 John McCain- 60 00:03:19,587 --> 00:03:22,750 - Isn't. - Get to the punch line, Paul. I'm not feeling your pain. 61 00:03:22,823 --> 00:03:26,054 Because I have a relationship with you... 62 00:03:26,126 --> 00:03:30,062 I've been asked to ask you- 63 00:03:31,665 --> 00:03:33,997 How would you feel about running for president? 64 00:03:34,068 --> 00:03:38,528 There, I've done my duty. Just say, "No. " I'll be gone. 65 00:03:38,606 --> 00:03:41,905 President? 66 00:03:41,976 --> 00:03:45,104 - Of the United States? - I can tell them you passed then. 67 00:03:45,179 --> 00:03:49,047 Denny Crane. 68 00:03:49,116 --> 00:03:52,108 Commander in chief. 69 00:03:54,054 --> 00:03:56,045 I like it. 70 00:04:01,862 --> 00:04:04,296 ♪ Uh-huh♪ 71 00:04:06,166 --> 00:04:08,134 ♪ All right♪ 72 00:04:08,202 --> 00:04:10,534 ♪ Come on♪ 73 00:04:12,706 --> 00:04:15,937 ♪ Come on All right♪ 74 00:04:16,010 --> 00:04:18,035 ♪ Well, yeah♪ 75 00:04:19,113 --> 00:04:21,047 ♪ Well, yeah♪ 76 00:04:26,020 --> 00:04:28,045 ♪ Outlaw♪ 77 00:04:28,122 --> 00:04:30,784 - Don't be ridiculous. - They're considering me and 10 others. 78 00:04:30,858 --> 00:04:33,725 Evidently, my appearance on the Larry King show went through the roof. 79 00:04:33,794 --> 00:04:35,728 - The public loves me- as expected. - Denny- 80 00:04:35,796 --> 00:04:39,459 I'm not supposed to be telling you anything, by the way. You know nothing. 81 00:04:39,533 --> 00:04:42,001 Do they know you have mad cow? 82 00:04:42,069 --> 00:04:44,469 They're looking for the next Ronald Reagan. He had it at the end. 83 00:04:44,538 --> 00:04:48,565 - Ronald Reagan didn't have a hooker fetish. - Please. I'm an emperor. 84 00:04:48,642 --> 00:04:52,578 Denny, no offense, but this is beyond preposterous. Beyond. 85 00:04:52,646 --> 00:04:55,979 Why? Bigger nut jobs have been floated in the past. 86 00:04:56,050 --> 00:05:00,350 Lee lacocca, Donald Trump, Jesse Ventura-Why not me? 87 00:05:00,421 --> 00:05:05,188 Denny, you don't think before you speak, you barely speak the English language. 88 00:05:05,259 --> 00:05:09,525 You always have to get your way. You'd never get along with other countries. 89 00:05:09,596 --> 00:05:11,826 For God sake, what would possess the Republican Party- 90 00:05:11,899 --> 00:05:14,129 Heir apparent. 91 00:05:14,201 --> 00:05:16,431 This must be a joke. 92 00:05:16,503 --> 00:05:18,971 I'm being vetted by six committee members this afternoon. 93 00:05:19,039 --> 00:05:21,473 If I pass that test- 94 00:05:22,343 --> 00:05:24,834 Top secret. 95 00:05:43,430 --> 00:05:45,898 Hello. 96 00:05:45,966 --> 00:05:48,958 H- Hello. 97 00:05:49,036 --> 00:05:51,834 Um, may I help you? 98 00:05:51,905 --> 00:05:54,032 You may. My name is Renée Winger. 99 00:05:54,108 --> 00:05:59,068 I was denied employment by a company guilty of pervasive and systemic gender bias. 100 00:05:59,146 --> 00:06:01,410 Might I count on you to be my attorney? 101 00:06:01,482 --> 00:06:05,179 May I ask what company are you looking to sue? 102 00:06:05,252 --> 00:06:07,243 The Archdiocese. 103 00:06:09,156 --> 00:06:11,090 The Archdiocese of Boston? 104 00:06:11,158 --> 00:06:13,592 Yes. I seek to be a priest. 105 00:06:13,660 --> 00:06:16,094 Don't we all. 106 00:06:17,164 --> 00:06:19,758 You are a woman. 107 00:06:22,236 --> 00:06:25,262 Okay. Thank you. Now will be fine. 108 00:06:27,441 --> 00:06:30,069 No arraignment yet. The D.A. Wants to meet. 109 00:06:30,144 --> 00:06:32,772 - Which means they're willing to make a deal. - Dana... 110 00:06:32,846 --> 00:06:35,713 I don't think we can represent you. 111 00:06:35,783 --> 00:06:38,343 They'll likely ask you to flip your employer, and that would be Lorraine. 112 00:06:38,419 --> 00:06:41,445 I don't plan to flip anybody. I told Lorraine I'd preserve her confidence. I keep my word. 113 00:06:41,522 --> 00:06:43,547 Spare us the self-righteousness, Dana. 114 00:06:43,624 --> 00:06:45,717 You kept from me you were a call girl. 115 00:06:45,793 --> 00:06:47,784 Look, folks. Come on. 116 00:06:47,861 --> 00:06:53,299 They got us here dead to rights, flat as a pancake, done, finis, sacre bleu, kaputski. 117 00:06:53,367 --> 00:06:57,030 Jerry, we agreed we'd leave out the foreign languages. 118 00:06:57,104 --> 00:06:59,095 May I have a word with Jerry, please? 119 00:07:08,415 --> 00:07:11,282 I don't expect you to be able to reconcile... 120 00:07:11,351 --> 00:07:14,548 how a woman can have sexual relations with one man... 121 00:07:14,621 --> 00:07:18,785 while being committed to and completely in love with another, but- 122 00:07:18,859 --> 00:07:22,818 I really don't want to go there. I thank you in advance for your cooperation. 123 00:07:23,997 --> 00:07:26,261 Could we maybe go to dinner and just talk? 124 00:07:26,333 --> 00:07:30,064 - I'm seeing somebody. - Who? 125 00:07:30,137 --> 00:07:32,401 An inflatable doll, if you must know. 126 00:07:32,473 --> 00:07:34,998 - Patty? - Patty wasn't inflatable. 127 00:07:35,075 --> 00:07:39,671 This is just a cheap, transitional thing- Not that you weren't. 128 00:07:39,746 --> 00:07:42,180 Give me a break, would ya? 129 00:07:56,830 --> 00:08:00,266 Let me acknowledge from the outset, this is a long shot. 130 00:08:00,334 --> 00:08:03,394 - Okay. - For whatever reason, your public appearances... 131 00:08:03,470 --> 00:08:07,304 most recently on Larry King, have been very winning with our base. 132 00:08:07,374 --> 00:08:10,502 You also have a bit of a Wild West profile thatJohn McCain- 133 00:08:10,577 --> 00:08:14,274 Doesn't. But there are issues. 134 00:08:14,348 --> 00:08:17,112 You recently appeared before the Supreme Court opposing the death penalty. 135 00:08:17,184 --> 00:08:19,812 Hired gun. Just a case. I am for the death penalty. 136 00:08:19,887 --> 00:08:21,821 Always have been, always will be. 137 00:08:21,889 --> 00:08:27,350 - I'd like to play a word association game. - Shoot. 138 00:08:27,427 --> 00:08:30,191 - I'll throw out a word. Say the word that pops into your head. - Shoot. 139 00:08:30,264 --> 00:08:32,789 - Homosexual. Abortion. - Shoot. Murder. 140 00:08:32,866 --> 00:08:35,198 - The war. - Economy. - 9/11. Democrats. 141 00:08:35,269 --> 00:08:37,999 - John McCain. - Immigration. - No más. 142 00:08:38,071 --> 00:08:40,733 - Hillary. - Pull my finger. 143 00:08:40,807 --> 00:08:43,970 That was very interesting. Can we turn to your personal life? 144 00:08:44,044 --> 00:08:46,706 - Please. - Our background check reveals... 145 00:08:46,780 --> 00:08:48,975 you enjoy spending time with prostitutes. 146 00:08:49,049 --> 00:08:53,577 Who doesn't? I like sex. I like women. I'll hump anything in a dress. 147 00:08:53,654 --> 00:08:57,021 I'll even get down on the floor with you right now if they'll turn off the lights. 148 00:08:57,090 --> 00:09:00,924 Know this, the American public will find it refreshing to get a Republican candidate... 149 00:09:00,994 --> 00:09:06,057 who's not a moralistic, sexually repressed, crusading hypocrite... 150 00:09:06,133 --> 00:09:08,897 who cruises airport men's rooms late at night. 151 00:09:08,969 --> 00:09:11,904 Denny Crane rides high in the saddle. I'll go into office with my boots on. 152 00:09:11,972 --> 00:09:14,668 I'll die with my boots on. Next. 153 00:09:14,741 --> 00:09:17,073 - Alan Shore? - What about him? 154 00:09:17,144 --> 00:09:19,704 He expresses many anti-American views. 155 00:09:19,780 --> 00:09:22,840 Which I disagree with most of the time. 156 00:09:22,916 --> 00:09:25,612 But I won't throw him under the bus to be president. What else you got? 157 00:09:25,686 --> 00:09:29,247 We're prepared to go forward this year without the blessing of the Christian right. 158 00:09:29,323 --> 00:09:32,781 But we cannot and will not abandon the values... 159 00:09:32,859 --> 00:09:36,295 of our most valuable and precious Republican base. 160 00:09:36,363 --> 00:09:39,298 I speak of course of the N.R.A. 161 00:09:50,344 --> 00:09:53,575 Bring it on! 162 00:10:03,557 --> 00:10:06,890 We have taken many ridiculous cases, but suing a church- 163 00:10:06,960 --> 00:10:10,691 - That's guilty of gender bias. - Are you saying we should have a woman pope? 164 00:10:10,764 --> 00:10:14,222 There is evidence of a female pope called Joan around the ninth century. 165 00:10:14,301 --> 00:10:17,134 Records of her were destroyed by subsequent popes. 166 00:10:17,204 --> 00:10:19,502 Carl, it's not a ridiculous case... 167 00:10:19,573 --> 00:10:23,509 and since it could be perceived as runaway feminism... 168 00:10:23,577 --> 00:10:26,740 I really, really think it's important that we have a man at the table. 169 00:10:26,813 --> 00:10:30,249 - No, no, no, no. - It's the right thing to do. 170 00:10:30,317 --> 00:10:33,775 And you know what? I'll bet a reasonablejudge will agree. 171 00:10:33,854 --> 00:10:39,190 Of all the ridiculous, sacrilegious, blasphemous acts of heresy I've ever heard. 172 00:10:39,259 --> 00:10:44,094 - As for the unreasonable ones- - You want me to order the archdiocese to ordain a woman? 173 00:10:44,164 --> 00:10:48,828 We are simply asking you to deny their tax-exempt status if they continue to discriminate. 174 00:10:48,902 --> 00:10:50,927 Miss Schmidt, the First Amendment to our Constitution... 175 00:10:51,004 --> 00:10:55,168 - has something in it called the Establishment Clause. - Yes, I've read it. 176 00:10:55,242 --> 00:10:58,939 Your Honor, I would refer you to the case against BobJones University... 177 00:10:59,012 --> 00:11:02,539 where a religious institution does not allow interracial dating or marriage... 178 00:11:02,616 --> 00:11:04,607 and so they were denied their tax-exempt status. 179 00:11:04,685 --> 00:11:08,246 BobJones was sued as a school, not a church. 180 00:11:08,322 --> 00:11:11,655 They were sued as a religious educational institution. 181 00:11:11,725 --> 00:11:14,626 There are many religions that restrict the priesthood, counsel. 182 00:11:14,695 --> 00:11:19,530 Orthodox Judaism, Islam, Mormonism, Orthodox Christianity. 183 00:11:19,599 --> 00:11:23,057 And if they do so solely on gender, they're committing a civil rights violation. 184 00:11:23,136 --> 00:11:26,003 - Well, have you got a witness? - Yes, I do. I'm so glad you asked. 185 00:11:26,073 --> 00:11:28,633 Renée? You are going to like her. 186 00:11:30,577 --> 00:11:32,977 God beckoned me. 187 00:11:40,320 --> 00:11:44,654 - Hello. My name's Katie Lloyd. This is Jerry Espenson. - Hi. 188 00:11:44,725 --> 00:11:47,717 - Hello. Welcome. - Well, thank you for coming in. 189 00:11:47,794 --> 00:11:51,230 - I'm sure you can guess what's on my mind. - We can. 190 00:11:51,298 --> 00:11:53,698 Good. Here's the offer. 191 00:11:53,767 --> 00:11:57,863 She tells us who runs the ring, agrees to give testimony against this individual, or individuals... 192 00:11:57,938 --> 00:12:00,930 we'll dismiss the charges, and give her transactional immunity. 193 00:12:01,007 --> 00:12:04,943 - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. - I'd first need to see a copy of the incident report... 194 00:12:05,011 --> 00:12:07,445 together with the proffer of your agent's testimony... 195 00:12:07,514 --> 00:12:10,540 - so we know what we're dealing with in the way of evidence. - No problem. 196 00:12:10,617 --> 00:12:12,278 - We'll get that to you right away. - Thank you. 197 00:12:15,422 --> 00:12:18,914 It doesn't strike me as airtight. The language is ambiguous. 198 00:12:18,992 --> 00:12:23,053 - No sex actually transpired. - Lorraine... 199 00:12:23,130 --> 00:12:26,031 I don't see how I can recommend anything other than she accept this offer. 200 00:12:26,099 --> 00:12:30,126 - Otherwise, she's looking at jail. - If she does take the deal? 201 00:12:30,203 --> 00:12:33,639 Well, it's not like I never thought this day could come. 202 00:12:33,707 --> 00:12:37,040 May I ask why? 203 00:12:37,110 --> 00:12:39,601 You've established yourself as a first-rate attorney. 204 00:12:39,679 --> 00:12:41,738 Why continue with this brothel business? 205 00:12:41,815 --> 00:12:44,750 I did get out for awhile. 206 00:12:44,818 --> 00:12:49,881 - And? - I missed it. 207 00:12:50,123 --> 00:12:54,389 - What do you mean, "It's on?" - I got past round one. 208 00:12:54,461 --> 00:12:56,793 - What's round two? - We meet with a bunch of donors... 209 00:12:56,863 --> 00:13:00,424 - test the waters to see if we can raise money. - Can you imagine? 210 00:13:00,500 --> 00:13:03,936 No. Denny, would you even want to be president? 211 00:13:04,004 --> 00:13:07,997 Think of it. You and I on the Oval Office balcony... 212 00:13:08,074 --> 00:13:10,668 scotch, cigars, maybe even an intern. 213 00:13:10,744 --> 00:13:13,338 Denny, your balcony days would be over. 214 00:13:13,413 --> 00:13:16,610 There'd be sniper assassins to worry about! 215 00:13:16,683 --> 00:13:22,144 Please. Look, I know it's not really gonna happen. I'm not kidding myself. 216 00:13:24,391 --> 00:13:27,121 - But? - But just to be considered. 217 00:13:27,194 --> 00:13:31,028 To be on the short list even for a day, that's something to tell your grandchildren. 218 00:13:31,097 --> 00:13:33,190 I may have a few. You should check on that. 219 00:13:33,266 --> 00:13:36,633 We are. We need to do a background check on you as well. 220 00:13:36,703 --> 00:13:39,103 - Me? - You're his best friend. 221 00:13:39,172 --> 00:13:42,767 - We'd need to vet all ofhis- - If you've gotten this far, you've already vetted me. 222 00:13:42,843 --> 00:13:47,940 - Will you get serious? - To think I could have my finger on the button. 223 00:13:49,416 --> 00:13:52,544 My own nuclear bomb. 224 00:13:56,389 --> 00:13:59,517 You want to withdraw because your advice would be to take the deal... 225 00:13:59,593 --> 00:14:01,686 and you don't want to act against Lorraine's interests. 226 00:14:01,761 --> 00:14:03,820 - Basically, yes. - Well, I don't want the deal. 227 00:14:03,897 --> 00:14:06,889 - You don't have to do this for me. - I'm not doing it for you. 228 00:14:06,967 --> 00:14:10,494 When I made my choice to go into this profession, I did so without shame. 229 00:14:10,570 --> 00:14:14,199 I reject the notion that it's immoral, and I won't bejudged for it- 230 00:14:14,274 --> 00:14:18,335 - Especially by you. - You'll bejudged by the law, Dana, which criminalizes this. 231 00:14:18,411 --> 00:14:22,245 A law which is as unreasonable as it is archaic. 232 00:14:22,315 --> 00:14:24,476 And I'd like to challenge it. 233 00:14:24,551 --> 00:14:27,850 - You can't mean that. - I do mean that. 234 00:14:27,921 --> 00:14:30,389 Is there a mechanism for challenging the validity of the law itself? 235 00:14:30,457 --> 00:14:35,326 Well, our best bet would be to get the matter certified... 236 00:14:35,395 --> 00:14:38,023 to the Massachusetts SupremeJudicial Court... 237 00:14:38,098 --> 00:14:42,899 That's what I want to do. We'll take our shot there and then decide- 238 00:14:42,969 --> 00:14:47,702 Please stop looking at me like I'm a sexual deviant. Could you do that, Jerry? 239 00:14:47,774 --> 00:14:50,368 But you are a sexual deviant, Dana. 240 00:14:50,443 --> 00:14:54,277 You engage in sexual conduct for a fee. That's as deviant as it is immoral. 241 00:14:54,347 --> 00:14:58,249 I dojudge you, and I'll ask you to stop looking at me for either approval or sympathy! 242 00:14:58,318 --> 00:15:02,118 Oh! 243 00:15:16,202 --> 00:15:18,295 We stayed any formal arraignment pending a motion before the S.J.C. 244 00:15:18,371 --> 00:15:22,899 - Should we lose, you can expect to be formally charged tomorrow. - Okay. 245 00:15:22,976 --> 00:15:25,911 I'd like you to argue it, Jerry. 246 00:15:25,979 --> 00:15:27,970 - Me? Why? - Please? 247 00:15:28,048 --> 00:15:31,381 - Hello. Hel-lo. - Denny. 248 00:15:31,451 --> 00:15:36,946 Pick a card, any card. We could meet after work, have a wine "Spitzer. " 249 00:15:40,660 --> 00:15:44,653 I had six wives. None of them understood me. 250 00:15:48,902 --> 00:15:52,929 Many of the church's doctrines have nothing to do with divine law. 251 00:15:53,006 --> 00:15:56,066 - For example? - Well, celibacy, for one. 252 00:15:56,142 --> 00:15:58,440 Priests were not required to be celibate until 1139... 253 00:15:58,511 --> 00:16:01,912 before which they were allowed to have families, usually quite large. 254 00:16:01,982 --> 00:16:06,817 Celibacy was a function of economic pragmatism, not divine law. 255 00:16:06,886 --> 00:16:12,085 I would probably not be celibate. I am sexually rambunctious. 256 00:16:12,158 --> 00:16:16,151 And, may I ask, is this something that's important to you? 257 00:16:16,229 --> 00:16:20,165 Yes. When I was young, people considered me... off. 258 00:16:20,233 --> 00:16:22,326 I was shunned, ostracized. 259 00:16:22,402 --> 00:16:25,963 As you can see, it's still very difficult for me to talk about it now. 260 00:16:26,039 --> 00:16:29,941 The Catholic Church reached out to me. They were a source of great comfort. 261 00:16:30,010 --> 00:16:32,604 I would like to extend the tolerance and compassion to others... 262 00:16:32,679 --> 00:16:36,206 that was so greatly afforded to me in my time of- 263 00:16:37,617 --> 00:16:42,145 I apologize. I didn't mean to get emotional. 264 00:16:49,696 --> 00:16:51,857 What are you doing? 265 00:16:51,931 --> 00:16:54,866 Take a look at this. 266 00:16:54,934 --> 00:16:58,700 If I did run, I couldn't lose. 267 00:16:58,772 --> 00:17:02,731 - Look at her eyes. Mad cow, man. - Oh, come on. 268 00:17:02,809 --> 00:17:05,903 What else could it be? 269 00:17:05,979 --> 00:17:08,641 Makes sense. I'm pretty sure Bill's got it. 270 00:17:08,715 --> 00:17:12,947 Could be post-traumatic stress. Remember the "Whitewater" rafting trip with Kenneth Starr? 271 00:17:13,019 --> 00:17:16,978 She took a lot of sniper fire in Bosnia. Bullets sailing over her head as she ran for cover. 272 00:17:17,057 --> 00:17:20,356 Surprising Bill in the Oval Office, that had to be some "shock and awe. " 273 00:17:20,427 --> 00:17:23,555 Her problem with Bill is she isn't pretty enough. She needs to be prettier. 274 00:17:23,630 --> 00:17:27,031 - Like him. - You think he's pretty? 275 00:17:27,100 --> 00:17:30,695 What? What are you talking about? He used to be Whitney Houston. 276 00:17:30,770 --> 00:17:33,204 What about McCain? You'd first have to get by him. 277 00:17:33,273 --> 00:17:36,606 Please! McCain is patient zero, mad cow. 278 00:17:36,676 --> 00:17:40,703 He can't remember anybody he's met before so he calls everybody his friend. 279 00:17:40,780 --> 00:17:44,341 You know, my friends. Thank you all, my friends. My friends. My friends. My friends. 280 00:17:44,417 --> 00:17:49,184 Tonight, my friends. Well, my friends. So, my friends. So, my friends. 281 00:17:49,255 --> 00:17:52,554 - They want me to take a physical before I meet with the donors. 282 00:17:52,625 --> 00:17:55,116 - I'm sorry? - The search committee. 283 00:17:55,195 --> 00:17:58,255 They want me to take a physical to make sure I'm healthy. Oh, please. 284 00:17:58,331 --> 00:18:01,596 I can kick McCain's ass. Obama's too. 285 00:18:01,668 --> 00:18:05,604 - Hillary I'm not sure. - So, you have to go to one of their doctors? 286 00:18:05,672 --> 00:18:08,732 On the q. t. At the Avalon, and that's where the meeting with the donors is. 287 00:18:08,808 --> 00:18:11,641 How could they possibly take it this far? 288 00:18:11,711 --> 00:18:16,307 I'm a wanted man, Alan. Wanted. 289 00:18:20,320 --> 00:18:25,189 You expect me to overturn the law against prostitution in the Commonwealth? 290 00:18:25,258 --> 00:18:27,453 Yes, Your Honor. Or, in the alternative... 291 00:18:27,527 --> 00:18:29,995 schedule a hearing before the full supreme judicial court... 292 00:18:30,063 --> 00:18:32,497 to determine whether the statute is arbitrary, unreasonable... 293 00:18:32,565 --> 00:18:36,695 and, therefore, unconstitutional on its ass- face. 294 00:18:36,770 --> 00:18:40,228 Okay. Why don't you start by telling me why it's unreasonable? 295 00:18:40,306 --> 00:18:42,968 Gladly. 296 00:18:49,048 --> 00:18:54,247 It's estimated that legalizing prostitution... 297 00:18:54,320 --> 00:18:57,255 would decrease the rape rate in this country by 25%. 298 00:18:57,323 --> 00:19:00,258 That alone should merit the court's consideration. 299 00:19:00,326 --> 00:19:04,092 Moreover, criminalizing prostitution doesn't make it go away. 300 00:19:04,164 --> 00:19:06,462 It just renders it more dangerous. 301 00:19:06,533 --> 00:19:08,626 Why not regulate the profession? 302 00:19:08,701 --> 00:19:13,968 Employ and ensure safety measures that would reduce the risk of AIDS, S. T.D. 's. 303 00:19:14,040 --> 00:19:18,568 We could also ensure that the women are less exploited, be it with insurance benefits. 304 00:19:18,645 --> 00:19:21,011 I am offended by the idea that this doesn't victimize women. 305 00:19:21,080 --> 00:19:23,640 - It's legal in Nevada- - What isn't in Nevada? 306 00:19:23,716 --> 00:19:28,050 - Canada and many countries- - This is an issue for the legislature, not the court. 307 00:19:28,121 --> 00:19:30,112 - Argentina, Brazil- - I don't care what other countries do. 308 00:19:30,190 --> 00:19:33,284 - We do not follow. We lead. - Ireland, Italy, Germany. 309 00:19:33,359 --> 00:19:37,159 - Let me finish! - Who are you looking to protect? 310 00:19:37,230 --> 00:19:40,825 My investigators have seen you with Miss Strickland. 311 00:19:40,900 --> 00:19:43,698 All right. You want to go after me, sweetheart? Take your shot. 312 00:19:43,770 --> 00:19:46,238 I will go after you if you have broken the law. 313 00:19:46,306 --> 00:19:48,536 No. Your Honor, this law is about imposing a morality. 314 00:19:48,608 --> 00:19:52,840 What's more, it doesn't work. Prostitution exists. It always will. 315 00:19:52,912 --> 00:19:55,472 Driving it underground makes it more dangerous. 316 00:19:55,548 --> 00:19:58,813 It establishes a base camp, if you will, for organized crime... 317 00:19:58,885 --> 00:20:01,979 for other criminal enterprises, including the child sex trade, slave trafficking- 318 00:20:02,055 --> 00:20:06,549 - He is talking in circles! - How about we take this money earmarked for prosecutions... 319 00:20:06,626 --> 00:20:10,255 and dedicate it to Al DS awareness, sex education? 320 00:20:10,330 --> 00:20:14,460 Twenty-five percent of American female teenagers between 14 and 19... 321 00:20:14,534 --> 00:20:16,798 now have some form of S.T.D. 322 00:20:16,870 --> 00:20:20,931 Meanwhile, we see more and more abstinence programs popping up. 323 00:20:21,007 --> 00:20:23,532 Schools forbidden to talk about condoms. That's what's criminal! 324 00:20:23,610 --> 00:20:28,445 - And legalizing prostitution- - We'll end up with fewer prostitutes in the morgue! 325 00:20:30,083 --> 00:20:35,282 Given that it's a multibillion dollar industry anyway, why not tax it? 326 00:20:35,355 --> 00:20:38,950 Why not use it to help build the hospitals and schools... 327 00:20:39,025 --> 00:20:41,084 that politicians promise to deliver but never get around to... 328 00:20:41,160 --> 00:20:43,890 'cause many of them are too busy hanging out with hookers? 329 00:20:43,963 --> 00:20:48,366 We could use that money, Judge. We're in a war. We have a deficit-billions of dollars. 330 00:20:48,434 --> 00:20:52,962 Why give it to criminals when we can use it to support our troops? 331 00:20:53,039 --> 00:20:56,770 Trump card! I said it! Support our troops! I win! 332 00:21:17,797 --> 00:21:20,231 Thank you. 333 00:21:20,300 --> 00:21:22,962 May I ask what you're doing here? 334 00:21:23,036 --> 00:21:26,335 Denny invited me. Don't worry. I won't tell. 335 00:21:26,406 --> 00:21:28,840 I'm very loyal to the party. 336 00:21:28,908 --> 00:21:31,672 Of course, one might question your loyalty... 337 00:21:31,744 --> 00:21:35,407 proffering Denny Crane as a presidential candidate. 338 00:21:35,481 --> 00:21:37,415 You think it's my idea? 339 00:21:37,483 --> 00:21:40,782 My only hope is that these people come to their senses. 340 00:21:40,853 --> 00:21:45,187 On the other hand, John McSnore doesn't win the logic prize either. 341 00:21:45,258 --> 00:21:48,250 Where is Denny? 342 00:21:48,328 --> 00:21:50,296 I believe he's getting his physical. 343 00:21:50,363 --> 00:21:52,354 You were told to bring your records. 344 00:21:52,432 --> 00:21:56,095 Why don't you just take my blood pressure and let's get on with this? 345 00:21:56,169 --> 00:21:58,797 Took your blood pressure, Mr. Crane. That was not a polygraph. 346 00:21:58,871 --> 00:22:01,362 - Now you'll need an E.K.G. - What for? 347 00:22:01,441 --> 00:22:05,207 To check your heart. Just to make sure that you don't keel over and die. 348 00:22:05,278 --> 00:22:07,212 Judas Priest. 349 00:22:07,280 --> 00:22:09,510 We certainly teach that men and women are equal. 350 00:22:09,582 --> 00:22:13,177 - But? - But they have different roles that are divinely bestowed. 351 00:22:13,252 --> 00:22:15,720 This is an authoritarian teaching called "complementarity. " 352 00:22:15,788 --> 00:22:18,222 - Complementarity? - Yes. 353 00:22:18,291 --> 00:22:22,159 It's not sexism. We believe in the plan of God. 354 00:22:22,228 --> 00:22:27,530 Men and women complement each other and thereby occupy different positions. 355 00:22:27,600 --> 00:22:30,364 - Separate but equal? - Spend a day with the nuns. 356 00:22:30,436 --> 00:22:32,631 You might conclude they're a little more equal. 357 00:22:32,705 --> 00:22:36,072 That would be funny if it wasn't sexist. 358 00:22:36,142 --> 00:22:40,511 Women can head state, and national, and international Catholic institutions. 359 00:22:40,580 --> 00:22:42,639 But when it comes to being a priest? 360 00:22:42,715 --> 00:22:45,047 - That role is reserved for men. - You realize, Your Holiness... 361 00:22:45,118 --> 00:22:49,054 that a majority of Catholics in this country now favor women in the priesthood? 362 00:22:49,122 --> 00:22:53,024 We don't modify doctrine to comply with opinion polls. 363 00:22:53,092 --> 00:22:55,890 Oh, come on. Sure you do. 364 00:22:55,962 --> 00:22:59,261 The church once defended slavery as willed by God. 365 00:22:59,332 --> 00:23:02,529 You modified that doctrine. Then there was the persecution of witches. 366 00:23:02,602 --> 00:23:05,537 You know, with the big rocks, torture. 367 00:23:05,605 --> 00:23:08,233 And let's not forget the crimes of the Inquisition. 368 00:23:08,307 --> 00:23:12,437 All of those were Catholic Church doctrines adjusted according to popular opinion. 369 00:23:12,512 --> 00:23:15,777 And let's not forget that you once condemned homosexuality... 370 00:23:15,848 --> 00:23:18,544 as an intrinsic and moral evil. 371 00:23:18,618 --> 00:23:21,917 But- Oh, wait. That one still stands. 372 00:23:21,988 --> 00:23:27,893 Your Holiness, I have great respect and, well, appreciation for the Catholic Church. 373 00:23:27,960 --> 00:23:30,929 How could I not? After all, I'm a Jew. 374 00:23:30,997 --> 00:23:34,524 You made one of ours almighty. 375 00:23:34,600 --> 00:23:38,400 But this woman thing, the truth is in many cities... 376 00:23:38,471 --> 00:23:42,305 women are being secretly ordained by Roman Catholic male bishops... 377 00:23:42,375 --> 00:23:44,866 who believe it is the right thing to do. 378 00:23:44,944 --> 00:23:48,277 Those bishops do so at the risk of excommunication. 379 00:23:48,347 --> 00:23:50,338 - Even the mere mention of- - Wait a second. 380 00:23:50,416 --> 00:23:52,475 So one could have a glorious Catholic career. 381 00:23:52,552 --> 00:23:54,816 Rise to the position ofbishop. 382 00:23:54,887 --> 00:23:59,984 Yet, if you are to so much as whisper, "Hey, maybe women should be ordained"... 383 00:24:00,059 --> 00:24:02,926 you'd be excommunicated? 384 00:24:02,995 --> 00:24:05,987 Wow. 385 00:24:08,568 --> 00:24:14,165 Sounds like somebody somewhere has got something against women. 386 00:24:17,977 --> 00:24:20,138 I find you attractive. 387 00:24:26,652 --> 00:24:29,621 Why couldn't we do this at a regular doctor's office? 388 00:24:29,689 --> 00:24:31,623 You're asking the wrong person. 389 00:24:31,691 --> 00:24:34,023 All I was told is it's security... 390 00:24:34,093 --> 00:24:36,152 and we need to set up separate facilities in here. 391 00:24:36,229 --> 00:24:41,599 Why you people have to be so damn secretive is beyond me. In here. 392 00:24:44,704 --> 00:24:48,470 Surprise! 393 00:24:58,751 --> 00:25:02,812 Gotcha, Denny. Gotcha. 394 00:25:02,889 --> 00:25:08,350 Ladies and gentlemen, I give to you the next president of the United States, Denny Crane! 395 00:25:16,536 --> 00:25:20,996 This is, uh- This is a joke? 396 00:25:22,642 --> 00:25:25,907 Mike Brady came up with the idea. 397 00:25:25,978 --> 00:25:29,243 It just took on a life, and-and we figured... 398 00:25:29,315 --> 00:25:33,046 why not make a party out of it? 399 00:25:33,119 --> 00:25:35,815 So I'm not really running for president? 400 00:25:39,625 --> 00:25:41,718 May I have your attention, please? 401 00:25:44,597 --> 00:25:48,328 I'm Special AgentJohn Sharpe of the Federal Bureau of Investigation. 402 00:25:48,401 --> 00:25:52,770 I need you all to get down on your knees and put your hands on top of your heads now. 403 00:25:52,838 --> 00:25:55,170 - What's going on? - Do it now, sir. 404 00:25:55,241 --> 00:25:59,177 - This is a room full of lawyers, you know? - I'm running this party now. 405 00:25:59,245 --> 00:26:02,510 You're all under arrest for theft by false pretenses. 406 00:26:02,582 --> 00:26:05,016 - What? - We have been informed of a fund-raising scheme... 407 00:26:05,084 --> 00:26:07,678 intended to raise sums of money for an individual... 408 00:26:07,753 --> 00:26:09,744 fraudulently posing as a presidential candidate. 409 00:26:09,822 --> 00:26:12,620 - No! No, no, no, no, no, no- - Down on your knees, please. 410 00:26:16,128 --> 00:26:18,926 We're not really asking for money. It's a practical joke. 411 00:26:18,998 --> 00:26:21,933 - We're all in on it! - I'm- I'm not in on it. 412 00:26:22,001 --> 00:26:25,732 - A practical joke? - Yes! On this man, Denny Crane. 413 00:26:25,805 --> 00:26:28,535 He was the one deceived. Nobody's actually being solicited for money. 414 00:26:28,608 --> 00:26:32,635 - No transaction. - Is this true, sir? Are they all in on it? 415 00:26:32,712 --> 00:26:36,705 I don't know. L- I can't believe that Harry Becket is in on it. 416 00:26:36,782 --> 00:26:40,616 And Sandra Cooke- She hasn't got a mean bone in her body. 417 00:26:40,686 --> 00:26:44,281 Mitch, you were at all six of my weddings. 418 00:26:44,357 --> 00:26:48,157 All these people, they know me. We go way back. 419 00:26:48,227 --> 00:26:51,060 And they of all people should know... 420 00:26:53,833 --> 00:26:57,394 - that you can't get the master! - You all have the right to remain silent. 421 00:26:57,470 --> 00:26:59,802 You have all been had by Mr. Denny Crane. 422 00:26:59,872 --> 00:27:02,841 - What? - What? - Maestro? 423 00:27:05,344 --> 00:27:08,177 Amateurs, all of ya! 424 00:27:09,849 --> 00:27:13,080 What's the matter, Paul? You don't look so great. 425 00:27:13,152 --> 00:27:15,814 Start the party! 426 00:27:33,572 --> 00:27:35,563 Hey. 427 00:27:36,776 --> 00:27:39,506 What's up? 428 00:27:39,578 --> 00:27:42,877 We lost. Evidently the judge didn't go for the idea... 429 00:27:42,948 --> 00:27:45,143 of using prostitution to fund the war. 430 00:27:45,217 --> 00:27:49,210 - So we go to trial? - The arraignment is scheduled for tomorrow at 9:00 a. m. 431 00:27:49,288 --> 00:27:51,552 And my chances of winning? 432 00:27:52,892 --> 00:27:55,952 Not great. 433 00:27:56,028 --> 00:27:58,223 Dana, you do have to consider this deal they're offering. 434 00:28:00,866 --> 00:28:04,597 - Can I talk toJerry for a minute? - Certainly. 435 00:28:11,477 --> 00:28:14,913 I'm sorry. I spun a little out of control in my argument. 436 00:28:14,980 --> 00:28:17,972 I didn't really expect to win, Jerry. 437 00:28:19,585 --> 00:28:22,679 The reason, uh, I even wanted to try... 438 00:28:22,755 --> 00:28:25,189 the reason I specifically wanted you to argue- 439 00:28:27,026 --> 00:28:29,688 I've read of the, uh- the phenomenon where... 440 00:28:29,762 --> 00:28:33,198 lawyers invariably come to believe in the merits of their arguments. 441 00:28:35,267 --> 00:28:40,227 I wanted you to believe that I'm not a criminal. 442 00:28:40,306 --> 00:28:43,867 I wanted you to be convinced that I'm not amoral. 443 00:28:46,278 --> 00:28:50,578 Because I want desperately to get back with you. 444 00:28:55,788 --> 00:28:57,915 Is that a possibility? 445 00:29:01,594 --> 00:29:03,585 No. 446 00:29:06,298 --> 00:29:08,596 Okay. 447 00:29:08,667 --> 00:29:11,261 Well, uh, I- 448 00:29:11,337 --> 00:29:15,137 I guess I'll, uh- I'll see you in court then. 449 00:29:47,807 --> 00:29:51,106 Your Honor, the plaintiff is asking you... 450 00:29:51,177 --> 00:29:55,079 to invalidate church law on the grounds that it's unreasonable. 451 00:29:55,147 --> 00:29:57,615 This is religion for God's sake. 452 00:29:57,683 --> 00:30:02,916 We don't hold religion and faith up to standards of reasonableness. 453 00:30:02,988 --> 00:30:05,582 - Why shouldn't we? - Does it really make sense... 454 00:30:05,658 --> 00:30:07,785 that God got mad at the human race... 455 00:30:07,860 --> 00:30:10,090 and drowned them all, including children... 456 00:30:10,162 --> 00:30:14,997 and all the animals, except two of each, which survived on a big boat? 457 00:30:15,067 --> 00:30:20,471 Do Christians literally believe the Earth was made in seven days? 458 00:30:20,539 --> 00:30:22,632 Religion, some of it, is out there... 459 00:30:22,708 --> 00:30:27,771 but we all have the right to believe in what we choose. 460 00:30:27,847 --> 00:30:30,475 That's the point of the Establishment Clause. 461 00:30:30,549 --> 00:30:34,815 One of the many reasons America came into being... 462 00:30:34,887 --> 00:30:38,050 was so that we, as a people... 463 00:30:38,123 --> 00:30:41,388 could be free to practice the religion of our choice. 464 00:30:41,460 --> 00:30:45,521 Now one doesn't have to love the tenets of Catholicism. 465 00:30:45,598 --> 00:30:49,227 Miss Winger is certainly free to choose another faith. 466 00:30:49,301 --> 00:30:55,137 But paramount to the Catholic religion is a male priesthood. 467 00:30:55,207 --> 00:30:57,505 It's notjust to the Catholics. 468 00:30:57,576 --> 00:31:01,068 Orthodox Judaism segregates men and women in the synagogue. 469 00:31:01,146 --> 00:31:03,637 Girls have to sit in the back or the balcony. 470 00:31:03,716 --> 00:31:05,650 They also don't allow women to be rabbis. 471 00:31:05,718 --> 00:31:10,781 Islam, forget about it. They don't even let women show their faces. 472 00:31:10,856 --> 00:31:13,586 The ugly fact is that we're okay with bigotry in this country... 473 00:31:13,659 --> 00:31:15,593 as long as it's cloaked in faith. 474 00:31:15,661 --> 00:31:18,391 And the prejudice isn't limited to women. 475 00:31:18,464 --> 00:31:22,025 You think we'll ever eliminate gay-bashing while giving tax breaks to institutions... 476 00:31:22,101 --> 00:31:26,037 who declare that homosexuality is a moral sin and evil? 477 00:31:26,105 --> 00:31:28,903 Whether it's persecution of the Christians in ancient Rome... 478 00:31:28,974 --> 00:31:31,204 or the Holocaust during World War II, or Bosnia today... 479 00:31:31,277 --> 00:31:34,508 where we have ethnic genocide in progress... 480 00:31:34,580 --> 00:31:37,014 religion has a mean legacy. 481 00:31:37,082 --> 00:31:39,016 This isn't about Bosnia. 482 00:31:39,084 --> 00:31:42,076 Why would you have to travel the globe to make a point, Mr. Sack... 483 00:31:42,154 --> 00:31:44,850 if your argument held water here at home? 484 00:31:44,924 --> 00:31:47,688 Want me to keep it local? Fine with me. Pat Robertson. 485 00:31:47,760 --> 00:31:50,194 He's a popular guy. 486 00:31:50,262 --> 00:31:55,791 He referred to Presbyterians and Episcopalians and Methodists as the spirit of Antichrist. 487 00:31:55,868 --> 00:31:58,894 He's also rumored to have blamed Katrina on the fact... 488 00:31:58,971 --> 00:32:01,963 that Ellen DeGeneres, a lesbian, lived in New Orleans. 489 00:32:02,041 --> 00:32:05,238 Jerry Falwell said that 9/11 happened... 490 00:32:05,311 --> 00:32:08,769 because of God's wrath against homosexuals. 491 00:32:10,149 --> 00:32:12,947 I'm a spiritual man. 492 00:32:13,018 --> 00:32:17,819 I go to temple. I pray. I believe in God. 493 00:32:17,890 --> 00:32:21,087 But we cannot deny that religion is one place... 494 00:32:21,160 --> 00:32:24,618 where we allow hate and oppression and discrimination... 495 00:32:24,697 --> 00:32:28,793 to fester as it seeks safe haven in the Constitution. 496 00:32:28,867 --> 00:32:34,601 The Catholic Church, by denying the priesthood to women, is guilty of gender bias. 497 00:32:34,673 --> 00:32:38,905 Simple as that. It should stop. 498 00:32:40,579 --> 00:32:43,241 And there goes my Humanitas award. 499 00:32:54,927 --> 00:32:57,020 Jerry, she didn't show. 500 00:32:57,096 --> 00:32:59,030 - Excuse me? - Dana. She skipped arraignment. 501 00:32:59,098 --> 00:33:02,499 There's a warrant out for her arrest. Did she say anything about this to you? 502 00:33:02,568 --> 00:33:04,627 No. She just said good-bye. 503 00:33:04,703 --> 00:33:07,171 Well, she's- 504 00:33:11,043 --> 00:33:14,206 Dana Strickland seems to have disappeared, Lorraine. 505 00:33:14,279 --> 00:33:17,271 - Would you know anything about that? - No. 506 00:33:17,349 --> 00:33:21,183 You wouldn't have facilitated her fleeing the jurisdiction by chance? 507 00:33:21,253 --> 00:33:24,120 That would make me an accomplice to a crime. 508 00:33:37,903 --> 00:33:41,805 I simply have to know. Did you know right from the beginning? 509 00:33:41,874 --> 00:33:47,210 You had me for about an hour. Your problem is I know Chris Andrews, insider. 510 00:33:47,279 --> 00:33:49,839 He and Dick Cheney shoot lawyers together. 511 00:33:49,915 --> 00:33:52,907 One phone call, I knew what you were up to. 512 00:33:52,985 --> 00:33:57,479 When are you gonna learn, Paul? You can't fool- 513 00:33:59,458 --> 00:34:02,052 Denny Crane. 514 00:34:02,127 --> 00:34:05,858 Did you bring my money? 515 00:34:05,931 --> 00:34:08,092 Thank you, Paul. 516 00:34:08,167 --> 00:34:10,294 And thank you for going to the great lengths you did... 517 00:34:10,369 --> 00:34:14,396 along with all those other people, to try and humiliate me. 518 00:34:14,473 --> 00:34:18,000 Really made me feel good. 519 00:34:18,077 --> 00:34:20,011 You know, Denny... 520 00:34:20,079 --> 00:34:24,209 I didn't really intend for it to come off as meanspirited. 521 00:34:24,283 --> 00:34:28,379 As it did. 522 00:34:29,688 --> 00:34:31,986 See you, Paul. 523 00:34:36,295 --> 00:34:39,787 I'm a lucky man, huh? 524 00:34:41,800 --> 00:34:47,466 Denny, practical jokes are very complicated. 525 00:34:47,539 --> 00:34:51,066 Some of them are meanspirited... 526 00:34:51,143 --> 00:34:55,136 but typically there is affection involved too. 527 00:34:55,214 --> 00:34:57,580 They're not played on enemies. They're played on friends. 528 00:34:57,649 --> 00:35:00,311 With friends like that- 529 00:35:00,385 --> 00:35:05,482 You're a successful, powerful man of whom many people are probably jealous. 530 00:35:07,659 --> 00:35:11,652 As strong as friendship is, maybe it's no match for envy. 531 00:35:11,730 --> 00:35:15,996 I gotta keep reminding myself what's important here. 532 00:35:16,068 --> 00:35:20,596 - Which is? - They didn't get me. 533 00:35:20,672 --> 00:35:22,663 I got them. 534 00:35:25,511 --> 00:35:29,106 Yes, you did. 535 00:35:29,181 --> 00:35:32,412 All right. I must confess. 536 00:35:32,484 --> 00:35:37,012 Every time I hear some feminist complaining about women's rights... 537 00:35:37,089 --> 00:35:39,785 I mutter to myself, "Oh, go to hell. " 538 00:35:39,858 --> 00:35:42,759 Last night, I had a dream. One that I've had before, mind you. 539 00:35:42,828 --> 00:35:45,797 I arrive at the pearly gates. I'm introduced to God. 540 00:35:45,864 --> 00:35:50,426 She's a woman. She stands there with her arms folded. 541 00:35:50,502 --> 00:35:52,436 And she asks... 542 00:35:52,504 --> 00:35:56,031 "And where did you stand on women's rights, Your Honor?" 543 00:35:56,108 --> 00:35:59,168 And then she says, "Go to hell. " 544 00:35:59,244 --> 00:36:02,372 Catholic people are tolerant and intelligent... 545 00:36:02,447 --> 00:36:04,438 and I believe they would be open to this. 546 00:36:04,516 --> 00:36:07,679 And I also agree that if the church is going to discriminate... 547 00:36:07,753 --> 00:36:12,315 the government should at least not incentivize their bigotry with tax breaks. 548 00:36:12,391 --> 00:36:16,987 If we the people are sincere about eliminating discrimination in this country... 549 00:36:17,062 --> 00:36:20,463 we can't tolerate it anywhere. 550 00:36:20,532 --> 00:36:23,194 Even if it comes in religious form. 551 00:36:23,268 --> 00:36:26,999 Judgment in favor of the plaintiff. 552 00:36:27,072 --> 00:36:29,472 Adjourned. 553 00:36:29,541 --> 00:36:32,999 Well, congratulations. Expect an appeal. 554 00:36:33,078 --> 00:36:38,675 - Wow. - I am simply wrought. Never did I- 555 00:36:38,750 --> 00:36:42,846 I'm sorry. I need a moment to collect myself. 556 00:36:42,921 --> 00:36:45,890 Take your time. 557 00:36:51,230 --> 00:36:55,496 Can you imagine, Denny, if you were to lead this country? 558 00:36:55,567 --> 00:37:00,197 What? We'd have Air Force One at our disposal. 559 00:37:00,272 --> 00:37:04,174 My own personal Mile High Club. Hit Vegas for the night, Copenhagen, Bangkok. 560 00:37:04,243 --> 00:37:06,734 Gotta love a place that calls itself Bangkok. 561 00:37:06,812 --> 00:37:09,713 Make you ambassador. 562 00:37:09,781 --> 00:37:13,649 Denny, you make me laugh. 563 00:37:13,719 --> 00:37:16,745 I know this sounds crazy, but I think I'd make a fine president. 564 00:37:16,822 --> 00:37:19,689 What would you actually do if you were commander in chief? 565 00:37:19,758 --> 00:37:23,125 I'd stop outsourcing to the Chinese... 566 00:37:23,195 --> 00:37:25,959 drop a few bags of grain on Africa. 567 00:37:26,031 --> 00:37:30,127 - Is that where they're starving? - There and too many other places. 568 00:37:30,202 --> 00:37:33,638 I'd add France to the Axis of Evil. Have they done that? 569 00:37:33,705 --> 00:37:36,139 Matter of time. 570 00:37:36,208 --> 00:37:40,110 Then I'd invite Hillary into the Oval Office. 571 00:37:41,513 --> 00:37:44,209 Give her a little taste of honey. 572 00:37:44,283 --> 00:37:46,717 - That's vulgar. - Well, what do you want in a president? 573 00:37:46,785 --> 00:37:49,754 Oh, I don't mean politically. I know where you stand on the issues. 574 00:37:49,821 --> 00:37:52,119 But what do you want in the person? 575 00:37:52,190 --> 00:37:56,786 Well, one who could reestablish some of the dignity to the office. 576 00:37:56,862 --> 00:38:00,593 That would be a good start. Dropping "trou" for Hillary wouldn't do the trick. 577 00:38:00,666 --> 00:38:02,634 Oh, I was just kidding- 578 00:38:02,701 --> 00:38:05,226 Sort of. 579 00:38:05,304 --> 00:38:07,738 You know what I really think of America right now, Denny? 580 00:38:07,806 --> 00:38:12,505 - Oh, here we go. - I don't mean simply its politics, but our culture. 581 00:38:12,577 --> 00:38:18,140 We've become such a dumb, fat, bubblegum nation. 582 00:38:18,216 --> 00:38:22,084 Schlocky and superficial- Our music, books, television. 583 00:38:22,154 --> 00:38:25,817 One of the heads of NBC recently said that the plan was... 584 00:38:25,891 --> 00:38:28,758 to get people to tune in and mentally tune out. 585 00:38:28,827 --> 00:38:31,421 And this wasn't an admission, by the way, but a boast. 586 00:38:31,496 --> 00:38:33,430 You're starting to bore me. 587 00:38:33,498 --> 00:38:36,126 Is it any wonder that we have a television show called... 588 00:38:36,201 --> 00:38:38,635 Are You Smarter than a Second Grader and a president that isn't? 589 00:38:38,704 --> 00:38:44,438 I so miss a little dignity in America. 590 00:38:46,578 --> 00:38:50,070 I suppose I most worry that if you ran for president, you might actually win. 591 00:38:50,148 --> 00:38:52,810 Oh! That hurts. 592 00:38:52,884 --> 00:38:55,114 Coming from you? 593 00:38:55,187 --> 00:38:58,054 If you stopped all your nonsense, perhaps you'd be a great leader... 594 00:38:58,123 --> 00:39:00,387 but, Denny, I don't want you to stop your nonsense. 595 00:39:00,459 --> 00:39:02,518 Who would I have to play with? 596 00:39:02,594 --> 00:39:06,052 Who would I have to... sit on this balcony with every night? 597 00:39:06,131 --> 00:39:08,531 So you wouldn't be voting for me? 598 00:39:08,600 --> 00:39:12,331 Probably not. I'm too selfish. 599 00:39:12,404 --> 00:39:16,033 Plus, y- Well, no offense... 600 00:39:16,108 --> 00:39:20,511 but I think your generation made America into what it is today. 601 00:39:20,579 --> 00:39:24,037 It's time for it to be inherited by your children. 602 00:39:24,116 --> 00:39:28,849 I think you need to hand over the keys to the car to their leader. It's time. 603 00:39:29,955 --> 00:39:32,253 Well, maybe I could be president for the day. 604 00:39:32,324 --> 00:39:36,192 Knock over Cuba, grab the cigars, bomb Iran, then resign. 605 00:39:36,261 --> 00:39:38,422 - There you go. - That'd be a day, wouldn't it? 606 00:39:40,165 --> 00:39:45,330 Cuba in the morning. Iran before lunch, after a matinee with Hillary- 607 00:39:45,404 --> 00:39:48,430 Maybe a threesome with Ginsburg. They both want me. 608 00:39:48,507 --> 00:39:50,941 Step down at 4:00. 609 00:39:51,009 --> 00:39:56,572 On the balcony here at 5:00 for a nightcap with you. 610 00:39:56,648 --> 00:39:59,276 That'd be a hell of a day. 611 00:39:59,351 --> 00:40:02,912 - Then go fishing. - I'll drink to that. 612 00:40:02,988 --> 00:40:05,923 You'll drink to anything. 613 00:40:05,991 --> 00:40:09,392 You and me right here, I'd drink to that. 614 00:40:12,731 --> 00:40:15,632 Denny Crane- 615 00:40:15,700 --> 00:40:18,828 King for a day. Wow. 616 00:40:18,904 --> 00:40:21,896 Wow. 617 00:41:05,111 --> 00:41:06,772 You stinker!