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Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
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Wow, Joffrey sure is
getting big.
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00:00:15,862 --> 00:00:17,128
Big or fat?
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I say fat, but Michael says big.
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Either way, it's a problem.
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Michael?
Oh, I've been seeing a guy
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00:00:21,899 --> 00:00:23,765
from yoga class
for the past couple weeks.
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We're actually going out
again tonight.
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00:00:25,201 --> 00:00:27,101
It's nothing serious yet.
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00:00:27,169 --> 00:00:30,505
He's a smart, handsome doctor.
He's great with kids.
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Child molesters
are great with kids.
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What are you saying, Ryan?
Do you want me to stop dating?
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No, of course not.
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Look at that.
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I'm surprised the little fat-ass
missed a morsel.
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So do you want me to
call you a cab or...?
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Breakfast?
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Uh, yeah, I've kind of got
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a bunch of errands
to run today, so...
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Ah, shit, my homeboy
just saw me.
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I better go say hi.
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KRISTEN: Where the hell did
I put those baby wipes?
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WILFRED:
Hey!
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J-Murda!
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What's up, little man?
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Still shitting whenever?
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Nice!
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Is she gone yet?
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Oh, geez.
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Hey, sorry about that.
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KRISTEN: I've been thinking
a lot about who should be
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Joffrey's legal guardian,
and I'm leaning towards Dad.
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Dad?
Yeah, Ryan, despite what you think,
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Dad is not that bad.
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He has been generously
supporting me
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while I look for a new job.
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He's... he's just a great
role model for Joffrey.
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He's successful,
he's reliable, he's thin.
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He's also controlling
and manipulative.
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Why not me?
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Honestly, I'm the only guy
in your life
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who's really looking out
for you.
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You actually want this?
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Of course. I love Joffrey.
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Okay, well, I guess I'll keep
thinking about it, then.
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But so you know,
it's a huge responsibility.
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Can you honestly look me
in the eye
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and tell me
you've got your shit together?
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I'm good. I swear.
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Ryan, check out this
Internet site I found.
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It's for people who just want
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to have raunchy, demented sex,
no strings attached.
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"Stuffed-Animal-Store.com"?
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WILFRED: Look at the expression
on that slut's face.
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I bet she gives insane trunk.
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Ah, dude,
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check the horn on that freak.
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Wouldn't mind sitting on that.
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What's going on with you today?
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I thought you and Bear
were married.
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We were, but married life's
not really for me.
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I'm like a tumbleweed,
a rolling stone.
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Or a freight train
that can't stay on the tracks,
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and it's, like,
going off a cliff
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with, like,
250 passengers on board,
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and a lot of them
die on impact,
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but there's like,
ten that survive,
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and they're trapped.
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00:02:35,946 --> 00:02:39,181
And there's this one guy,
he's so in shock,
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he's laughing maniacally,
and the flames are closing in,
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and everyone's, like, sobbing
and holding each other,
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but it's the laughter
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that's the most
disturbing thing of all.
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And there's this one lady...
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and her eye
is just, like... out.
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The point is, I'm single again.
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Want to come out tonight
and get some strange?
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I'm not really in the mood.
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You never are.
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I should've called Joffrey.
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I mean, that guy's my dawg!
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I mean, you go out
with him, you just know
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he's leaving the club with two
tiny little handfuls of ass.
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I'm just worried about Kristen.
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Ever since she became a mom,
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she's been making
some questionable choices,
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like letting a guy she barely
knows hang around her baby,
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choosing my dad to be
the legal guardian.
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I think I need to be more
involved in her life.
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You and your sister have
a messed up relationship.
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It's like you get off
on sabotaging each other's lives
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and then miraculously being
there to pick up the pieces.
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Come on.
I would never stand in the way
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of my sister's happiness.
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Even if it means she won't need
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little brother's shoulder
to cry on anymore?
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God, why am I listening
to sibling advice
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from a guy who ate his
own sister's ears?
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Ear.
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Ryan, have you seen
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my We Bought a Zoo
Criterion Collection?
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What do you mean,
suck your dick?
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Bear?
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Was that you just talking?
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Okay, first of all, holy shit,
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that was a spot-on
Ryan impression.
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Second, what the hell
are you doing here?
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It's over between us.
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(knocking)
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Must be the pizza.
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Kristen.
Where have you been?
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I tried calling you,
like, six times!
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My babysitter canceled
at the last second,
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so I really need you
to help me out, okay?
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You know, since you're
the only guy in my life
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who's really
looking out for me?
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Plus, you know,
it'll give you a chance
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to see what it'd be like
to be his guardian.
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Of course, yeah.
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WILFRED:
Yeah... boy!
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Joffrey's in the house!
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J-Money, what's popping?!
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(knocking)
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KRISTEN:
Oh, that's Michael.
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You wanted to meet him, right?
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(Joffrey fussing)
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Yeah, I know.
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Hey.
Michael, this is my brother, Ryan.
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Oh, hey, Ryan. Michael.
Hey.
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Did you have trouble
finding the house?
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No, I got a GPS thing
in my car.
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Couldn't wait two minutes, right?
(Joffrey crying)
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I-I've got him.
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Oh, it's okay, buddy.
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Uncle Ryan's here.
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Maybe this wasn't a good idea.
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It'll be fine.
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(high-pitched):
Hi there, Joffrey!
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I'm Mr. Bear.
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Would you like to be my friend?
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I'd like to be your friend.
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(makes kissing sound)
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Seems like you're not
the only one
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who can do spot-on
impressions, eh, Bear?
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Told you he was good.
Okay, I'm just gonna go
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to the bathroom,
and then we'll leave.
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Okay.
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00:05:30,661 --> 00:05:32,728
So...
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00:05:32,796 --> 00:05:35,597
where are you planning
on taking my sister tonight?
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00:05:35,665 --> 00:05:37,199
Oh, there's this, uh,
little Italian restaurant
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I've been wanting to try.
Gennaro's?
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Oh, cool, cool.
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Is that your Honda out there?
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Yeah.
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Huh.
Not exactly the kind of car
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you'd expect a doctor to drive.
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I'm not really a car guy, so...
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(phone rings)
Oh.
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00:05:55,782 --> 00:05:58,650
Sorry, I've got to take this
outside, if you don't mind.
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WILFRED: So, Joffs, I
was thinking tonight
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the two of us can go out
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and maybe try heroin
for the first time.
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(Joffrey cooing)
Oh, I'm sorry.
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00:06:06,256 --> 00:06:08,190
I didn't realize
you two were talking.
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No, I think it's great
that you two are talking.
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You're a great listener,
and, uh...
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and Bear could use
a friend right now.
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So three cold ones, then, yeah?
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Where's Michael?
Outside on the phone.
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Well, what do you think?
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He seems great.
Right?
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And just so you know,
if tonight goes
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how I expect it to,
there will be plenty
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of opportunities
for you to babysit.
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(chuckling):
Okay.
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Like, a lot.
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Like, overnight.
Oh. Oh, I get it.
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Okay. Well, call me
if you need anything.
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Okay.
I won't need a thing.
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Oh, uh, Kristen?
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Thanks for trusting
me with Joffrey.
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It'll be nice to spend
some alone time with him.
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Good night.
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What the hell?
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Ah.
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No, I get it.
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We're divorced now,
so you're fair game.
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I'm cool with that.
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00:07:01,810 --> 00:07:03,978
You two have fun.
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00:07:08,616 --> 00:07:10,484
(Joffrey crying)
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00:07:12,543 --> 00:07:15,279
Look at them. Flaunting it
in front of my face.
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00:07:15,346 --> 00:07:17,281
Yeah, I hope you
used protection.
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I wouldn't like for you
to catch Bear's semen ants.
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Semen ants?
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00:07:22,253 --> 00:07:24,521
That's the technical name
for the colony of ants
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living inside Bear
that sustains itself
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from the nutrients
obtained from my semen.
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00:07:28,092 --> 00:07:30,727
Okay, I'm ending this line
of conversation right now.
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00:07:30,795 --> 00:07:32,629
Oh. Well, see, that's the
thing about semen ants.
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00:07:32,697 --> 00:07:34,331
No one wants to talk about it.
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00:07:34,399 --> 00:07:36,266
So how do we ever educate
anyone about this epidemic?
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00:07:36,334 --> 00:07:38,101
You know, Obama has semen ants.
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00:07:38,169 --> 00:07:39,849
He rarely talks about it,
but he's got 'em.
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00:07:41,373 --> 00:07:43,974
(Joffrey coos)
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00:07:44,042 --> 00:07:45,576
Are you gonna try
and Google it?
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00:07:45,643 --> 00:07:47,544
Yeah, you won't find it
on the normal Internet,
207
00:07:47,612 --> 00:07:49,179
but it's all over the deep Web.
208
00:07:49,247 --> 00:07:50,780
I'm not looking up
Obama's semen ants.
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00:07:50,848 --> 00:07:52,148
I'm checking Facebook
210
00:07:52,216 --> 00:07:54,484
to see if Kristen
is friends with Michael.
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00:07:54,551 --> 00:07:56,185
There was something
off about him.
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00:07:56,253 --> 00:07:57,787
Good idea.
213
00:07:57,854 --> 00:07:59,889
Find out what you can
so we can expose him.
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00:07:59,957 --> 00:08:01,791
You know, if it wasn't
for that Michael guy,
215
00:08:01,859 --> 00:08:03,159
Bear wouldn't have
even been introduced
216
00:08:03,227 --> 00:08:04,661
to that backstabbing
Bro Code violator!
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00:08:04,729 --> 00:08:06,563
(Wilfred chuckles)
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00:08:06,631 --> 00:08:08,699
What do you mean,
Joffrey makes love to you
219
00:08:08,766 --> 00:08:11,134
the way you deserve
to be made love to,
220
00:08:11,202 --> 00:08:14,705
gently and tenderly, but at the
same time firmly and forceful?
221
00:08:14,772 --> 00:08:16,673
(scoffing laugh):
Oh, really?
222
00:08:16,741 --> 00:08:19,110
Well, I find that
hard to believe.
223
00:08:19,178 --> 00:08:23,414
Okay, on the count of three,
let's both say our penis sizes.
224
00:08:23,481 --> 00:08:24,982
One, two, three...
225
00:08:25,050 --> 00:08:26,650
Tiny!
226
00:08:26,718 --> 00:08:29,053
Wait, did you just say,
"Thick as a brick"?
227
00:08:32,991 --> 00:08:34,825
(whistles appreciatively)
228
00:08:34,893 --> 00:08:37,161
She's not even
Facebook friends with him.
229
00:08:37,229 --> 00:08:38,729
How well could she know him?
230
00:08:38,797 --> 00:08:40,464
I mean, she's Facebook friends
231
00:08:40,532 --> 00:08:41,899
with her high school
krump instructor.
232
00:08:41,967 --> 00:08:43,434
Maybe we're wasting our time.
233
00:08:43,502 --> 00:08:46,738
I mean, maybe Kristen
has found a perfect guy.
234
00:08:46,806 --> 00:08:48,373
He's tall,
good-looking, smart,
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00:08:48,441 --> 00:08:51,009
has the fresh scent
of a woman's nether regions,
236
00:08:51,077 --> 00:08:52,510
he's got GPS...
237
00:08:52,578 --> 00:08:54,379
Wait-- the scent of what?
238
00:08:54,446 --> 00:08:56,247
A woman's nether regions.
239
00:08:56,315 --> 00:08:58,382
Was the scent Kristen's?
240
00:08:58,450 --> 00:09:00,418
No, no, way less pumpkiny.
241
00:09:00,485 --> 00:09:04,022
And also, it was very fresh,
like no more than an hour old.
242
00:09:04,090 --> 00:09:06,658
Wilfred, that means
he fooled around
243
00:09:06,726 --> 00:09:10,128
with someone before
he picked up my sister.
244
00:09:10,195 --> 00:09:12,197
If we could find...
245
00:09:14,233 --> 00:09:15,901
You're making this up,
aren't you?
246
00:09:15,968 --> 00:09:17,635
And why would I do that?
247
00:09:17,703 --> 00:09:19,383
Because, if she breaks it off
with Michael,
248
00:09:19,438 --> 00:09:20,839
then she won't need me
to babysit,
249
00:09:20,906 --> 00:09:22,040
which means
Joffrey won't be around
250
00:09:22,107 --> 00:09:23,741
to steal Bear away from you.
251
00:09:23,809 --> 00:09:25,810
I'm telling you, that guy
reeked of nether regions.
252
00:09:25,878 --> 00:09:28,113
And if there's one thing
I never lie about,
253
00:09:28,180 --> 00:09:29,580
it's guys reeking
of nether regions!
254
00:09:31,417 --> 00:09:33,619
Wilfred, have you seen
the bottle
255
00:09:33,687 --> 00:09:35,588
with Kristen's breast milk?
256
00:09:35,656 --> 00:09:37,456
Ah...
257
00:09:37,524 --> 00:09:39,726
Well, well, well,
258
00:09:39,793 --> 00:09:42,028
without his precious
energy drink,
259
00:09:42,096 --> 00:09:44,497
it looks like baby Joffrey
won't have the strength
260
00:09:44,565 --> 00:09:46,900
to jackhammer Bear
for a whole hour again tonight.
261
00:09:46,967 --> 00:09:49,669
Right in front of me, too. Rude.
262
00:09:53,674 --> 00:09:55,275
Turn down this alley.
263
00:09:55,343 --> 00:09:57,076
There's a shortcut to the CVS.
264
00:09:57,144 --> 00:09:59,212
How do I know what kind
of formula to buy?
265
00:09:59,280 --> 00:10:00,880
Why don't you ask Kristen?
266
00:10:00,948 --> 00:10:02,749
Because I don't
feel like explaining
267
00:10:02,817 --> 00:10:04,851
that the dog drank
her breast milk.
268
00:10:04,919 --> 00:10:06,252
I'm supposed to be proving
269
00:10:06,320 --> 00:10:07,720
that I can be
responsible, remember?
270
00:10:07,788 --> 00:10:08,988
Turn left here.
271
00:10:09,056 --> 00:10:10,557
(tires squeal)
272
00:10:10,625 --> 00:10:13,493
Stop, stop, stop, stop,
stop, stop, stop.
273
00:10:13,561 --> 00:10:16,596
Wait-- I don't see a CVS.
274
00:10:16,664 --> 00:10:18,498
There's a liquor store...
275
00:10:18,566 --> 00:10:20,267
Gennaro's?
276
00:10:20,334 --> 00:10:21,635
Wilfred!
277
00:10:21,703 --> 00:10:23,437
What are you doing?!
278
00:10:25,306 --> 00:10:26,707
(hushed):
Wilfred!
279
00:10:28,109 --> 00:10:30,443
Is this Michael's car?
280
00:10:30,511 --> 00:10:31,945
I sure hope so.
281
00:10:32,012 --> 00:10:33,112
Wilfred!
282
00:10:35,115 --> 00:10:37,050
You get out of there!
283
00:10:37,118 --> 00:10:38,885
What if someone sees us?
284
00:10:40,822 --> 00:10:43,056
Hello, Michael McDerry.
285
00:10:43,124 --> 00:10:44,924
You got his name?
Uh-huh.
286
00:10:48,228 --> 00:10:50,729
Uh, check the GPS.
The last address.
287
00:10:50,797 --> 00:10:53,499
I like the way you think, mate.
288
00:10:53,566 --> 00:10:55,200
Hurry!
289
00:10:57,537 --> 00:10:59,237
Another woman's name.
290
00:10:59,305 --> 00:11:00,939
See, I told you
I wasn't bullshitting.
291
00:11:01,006 --> 00:11:03,374
He was with
this non-pumpkiny Gloria chick
292
00:11:03,442 --> 00:11:05,209
just before he came
to pick up Kristen.
293
00:11:05,277 --> 00:11:07,979
All we have to do now
is go to her house and...
294
00:11:08,046 --> 00:11:09,580
Oh, my God.
295
00:11:09,648 --> 00:11:11,949
What?
Is there something else?
296
00:11:12,017 --> 00:11:14,552
His middle name is Paul.
297
00:11:14,620 --> 00:11:15,954
So?
298
00:11:16,022 --> 00:11:17,222
Don't you see what this means?
299
00:11:17,289 --> 00:11:18,189
Paul?
300
00:11:18,257 --> 00:11:20,691
Paul the Ball?
301
00:11:20,759 --> 00:11:23,060
(laughing):
Oh, man.
302
00:11:23,128 --> 00:11:25,162
We are gonna rip
on this guy so bad.
303
00:11:25,230 --> 00:11:26,530
(laughing)
304
00:11:26,598 --> 00:11:27,832
Paul the Ball.
305
00:11:27,899 --> 00:11:28,966
Come on.
306
00:11:36,445 --> 00:11:39,188
"Responsible Insurance"?
This is so weird.
307
00:11:39,308 --> 00:11:40,875
What, is he hooking up
with his insurance agent?
308
00:11:40,943 --> 00:11:42,243
Well, look.
309
00:11:42,311 --> 00:11:43,776
I think we have
all the evidence we need.
310
00:11:43,896 --> 00:11:45,680
I say we go back to Gennaro's,
311
00:11:45,747 --> 00:11:47,415
maybe split an appetizer,
312
00:11:47,483 --> 00:11:50,251
definitely try the cannelloni
with walnuts and fried sage--
313
00:11:50,319 --> 00:11:52,020
it's all anyone's
talking about on Yelp--
314
00:11:52,087 --> 00:11:54,755
then stab Michael's face
three or four dozen times.
315
00:11:54,823 --> 00:11:56,491
But it's not enough
evidence, Wilfred.
316
00:11:56,558 --> 00:11:57,792
Ryan, I'm telling you.
317
00:11:57,860 --> 00:12:00,061
Him, his GPS,
his steering wheel,
318
00:12:00,129 --> 00:12:02,830
all smacking of the fresh scent
of nether regions.
319
00:12:02,898 --> 00:12:04,332
Oh, will you stop
saying "nether regions"?
320
00:12:04,399 --> 00:12:06,467
No one calls it that.
It's weird.
321
00:12:06,535 --> 00:12:08,569
I'm just using
the clinical term.
322
00:12:12,641 --> 00:12:14,643
Is everything okay out here?
323
00:12:14,711 --> 00:12:16,612
Sorry. I was just
looking for someone.
324
00:12:16,679 --> 00:12:18,180
Who were you looking for?
325
00:12:19,482 --> 00:12:21,951
Someone named...
Gloria.
326
00:12:24,454 --> 00:12:26,155
Come inside.
327
00:12:30,660 --> 00:12:32,627
Now...
328
00:12:32,695 --> 00:12:34,095
who am I speaking to?
329
00:12:34,163 --> 00:12:35,363
No real names.
330
00:12:35,431 --> 00:12:36,598
Say Shabazzleford.
331
00:12:36,665 --> 00:12:38,667
Sha... Dave.
332
00:12:38,734 --> 00:12:40,435
Mmm...
333
00:12:40,503 --> 00:12:43,305
Will Gloria be joining us?
334
00:12:44,507 --> 00:12:46,375
I am Gloria.
335
00:12:48,611 --> 00:12:50,879
So, Dave...
336
00:12:52,716 --> 00:12:54,717
...who should we thank
for this referral?
337
00:12:54,784 --> 00:12:57,019
(sniffing)
338
00:12:57,087 --> 00:12:58,187
It's not her, Dave.
339
00:12:59,323 --> 00:13:00,556
(sighs)
340
00:13:00,624 --> 00:13:02,058
I'm sorry.
341
00:13:02,125 --> 00:13:04,961
I-I think I've
made a mistake.
342
00:13:05,028 --> 00:13:06,128
I-I should really leave.
343
00:13:06,196 --> 00:13:07,329
Who told you about us, Dave?
344
00:13:09,032 --> 00:13:10,499
Oh, there's no need
to be nervous.
345
00:13:12,869 --> 00:13:14,904
Michael.
346
00:13:14,972 --> 00:13:17,307
Michael McDerry.
347
00:13:17,375 --> 00:13:19,042
Oh...
348
00:13:19,109 --> 00:13:21,144
Well, why didn't you say so?
349
00:13:21,211 --> 00:13:23,980
Michael's a really good
friend of the agency's.
350
00:13:24,048 --> 00:13:25,081
Come on.
(clicks tongue)
351
00:13:25,149 --> 00:13:26,249
Follow.
352
00:13:28,286 --> 00:13:30,487
♪ ♪
353
00:13:32,357 --> 00:13:33,724
Whoa.
354
00:13:33,792 --> 00:13:35,726
You know what this place is.
355
00:13:35,794 --> 00:13:38,428
The nether regions have got
to be here somewhere.
356
00:13:38,496 --> 00:13:39,863
I'll find them.
357
00:13:39,931 --> 00:13:41,931
(chimes)
358
00:13:45,736 --> 00:13:47,603
By the way, Dave,
359
00:13:47,671 --> 00:13:50,539
I feel like I need
to be candid with you:
360
00:13:50,607 --> 00:13:53,776
We absolutely forbid
the involvement of children.
361
00:13:53,843 --> 00:13:56,011
But I am more than happy
362
00:13:56,079 --> 00:13:57,513
to watch over the baby
363
00:13:57,581 --> 00:13:58,981
while you and your dog
364
00:13:59,049 --> 00:14:00,850
realize your very own
unique, special fantasy.
365
00:14:00,851 --> 00:14:02,351
No...
So you just let me know
366
00:14:02,419 --> 00:14:04,153
when you see something
you like, okay?
367
00:14:04,221 --> 00:14:06,389
(chuckles)
368
00:14:09,894 --> 00:14:11,028
She's here.
369
00:14:11,095 --> 00:14:12,662
Are you sure?
Positive.
370
00:14:12,730 --> 00:14:14,064
Are you chewing gum?
371
00:14:14,131 --> 00:14:16,633
No. Dogs can't
chew gum, Ryan.
372
00:14:16,701 --> 00:14:17,668
(phone ringing)
373
00:14:17,735 --> 00:14:18,969
Shit.
374
00:14:19,037 --> 00:14:21,305
Kristen. How's dinner?
375
00:14:21,372 --> 00:14:22,673
KRISTEN:
Ryan, where the hell are you?
376
00:14:22,741 --> 00:14:25,043
Where is Joffrey?
Is Joffrey okay?
377
00:14:25,110 --> 00:14:27,412
R-Ryan?
378
00:14:27,479 --> 00:14:28,980
Ryan!
379
00:14:30,916 --> 00:14:32,617
Oh... Hey, guys.
380
00:14:32,685 --> 00:14:35,386
Uh, sorry to scare
you like that.
381
00:14:35,454 --> 00:14:37,989
How come you're back so early?
382
00:14:38,057 --> 00:14:39,891
Someone broke
into Michael's car.
383
00:14:39,959 --> 00:14:41,659
Oh...
384
00:14:41,727 --> 00:14:42,994
Oh, God.
385
00:14:43,062 --> 00:14:44,563
You took Joffrey out
without his hat?
386
00:14:44,630 --> 00:14:45,864
He could've gotten pneumonia.
387
00:14:45,932 --> 00:14:47,332
I'm sorry.
I didn't think about it..
388
00:14:47,400 --> 00:14:48,633
I actually did think about it,
389
00:14:48,701 --> 00:14:50,135
but I wanted Joffrey
to catch pneumonia,
390
00:14:50,202 --> 00:14:51,903
'cause, well...
dude's a dick.
391
00:14:51,970 --> 00:14:53,210
That was so
irresponsible, Ryan.
392
00:14:53,239 --> 00:14:54,573
It is pretty cold out there.
393
00:14:54,640 --> 00:14:56,141
Really?
394
00:14:56,209 --> 00:14:57,476
You're the last person
395
00:14:57,543 --> 00:14:59,311
that should be passing
judgment on anyone.
396
00:14:59,379 --> 00:15:00,479
Excuse me?
I know what you've been doing
397
00:15:00,547 --> 00:15:01,647
at Gloria's.
398
00:15:01,715 --> 00:15:03,582
What?
Who's Gloria?
399
00:15:03,650 --> 00:15:06,018
Yeah, Michael, who is Gloria?
400
00:15:06,085 --> 00:15:08,554
She's just, um...
You know what?
401
00:15:08,622 --> 00:15:10,656
I'd rather not talk about her.
Oh, because you don't want
402
00:15:10,724 --> 00:15:12,125
to tell Kristen
about the illegal brothel
403
00:15:12,192 --> 00:15:13,693
that you've been frequenting?
404
00:15:13,761 --> 00:15:15,762
I'm sorry to be the one
to tell you this,
405
00:15:15,830 --> 00:15:17,830
but Michael
was with a prostitute
406
00:15:17,898 --> 00:15:19,866
right before he picked you up
for your date tonight.
407
00:15:19,934 --> 00:15:21,267
Ryan, what the hell
are you talking about?
408
00:15:21,335 --> 00:15:22,635
Are you insane?
409
00:15:22,703 --> 00:15:23,570
MICHAEL:
No, it's...
410
00:15:23,638 --> 00:15:25,171
it's true.
411
00:15:26,440 --> 00:15:28,074
But-but it's not what you think.
412
00:15:28,142 --> 00:15:30,243
The prostitute was a patient.
413
00:15:30,311 --> 00:15:31,845
Patient?
414
00:15:31,912 --> 00:15:33,880
Michael's a gynecologist, Ryan.
415
00:15:33,948 --> 00:15:35,382
Yeah, I do pro bono work
416
00:15:35,449 --> 00:15:36,783
for an organization
called Safety First.
417
00:15:36,851 --> 00:15:38,118
Most of the women are illegals.
418
00:15:38,186 --> 00:15:39,620
They're scared, uneducated,
419
00:15:39,687 --> 00:15:41,288
and they don't have access
to health insurance.
420
00:15:41,356 --> 00:15:44,359
So I perform free
blood work, Pap smears.
421
00:15:44,426 --> 00:15:46,628
In fact, earlier tonight,
422
00:15:46,695 --> 00:15:48,129
I had to make
an emergency visit
423
00:15:48,197 --> 00:15:49,677
because one of the women
was suffering
424
00:15:49,699 --> 00:15:51,260
from an infection
of the nether regions.
425
00:15:51,267 --> 00:15:53,569
You know, I have to say,
the fact that
426
00:15:53,637 --> 00:15:55,838
you snooped around
and secretly gathered
427
00:15:55,905 --> 00:15:57,185
all of this information
about me,
428
00:15:57,206 --> 00:15:58,840
it makes me very uncomfortable.
429
00:15:58,908 --> 00:16:00,108
Michael, I hope you
know I had nothing...
430
00:16:00,176 --> 00:16:01,257
I-I think I'd better leave.
431
00:16:04,713 --> 00:16:07,214
Well, Ryan, you were right.
432
00:16:07,282 --> 00:16:08,916
I guess I was letting
a crazy person
433
00:16:08,983 --> 00:16:10,818
hang around Joffrey: you.
434
00:16:10,885 --> 00:16:11,919
No...
You can obviously forget
435
00:16:11,986 --> 00:16:13,520
about the legal guardianship.
436
00:16:13,587 --> 00:16:15,255
Kristen, wait.
437
00:16:15,322 --> 00:16:16,623
Oh, my God.
438
00:16:16,690 --> 00:16:20,293
Are those... ants?
439
00:16:20,361 --> 00:16:23,396
Not just any ants.
440
00:16:23,464 --> 00:16:24,698
KRISTEN: Ugh!
(door closes)
441
00:16:30,659 --> 00:16:33,199
Oh, you love Joffrey now?
Look at his hairline!
442
00:16:33,319 --> 00:16:35,086
It's only gonna get worse.
443
00:16:35,154 --> 00:16:36,888
You tattooed his name
444
00:16:36,955 --> 00:16:38,689
on the inside of
your lower lip?!
445
00:16:38,757 --> 00:16:40,758
Gah!
446
00:16:40,826 --> 00:16:43,828
If I can't have
you, no one will!
447
00:16:43,895 --> 00:16:45,096
(grunts)
448
00:16:45,163 --> 00:16:46,564
Just let it happen.
449
00:16:46,632 --> 00:16:48,432
Into the light.
450
00:16:48,500 --> 00:16:50,367
Shh...
451
00:16:52,104 --> 00:16:53,271
Oh, hey, Ryan. What's up?
452
00:16:53,338 --> 00:16:54,572
"What's up?"
453
00:16:54,640 --> 00:16:56,040
Thanks to your little
love triangle,
454
00:16:56,107 --> 00:16:57,375
my sister isn't speaking to me.
455
00:16:57,442 --> 00:16:59,611
Hey, I'm a victim here, too.
456
00:16:59,678 --> 00:17:01,919
If Bear hadn't messed around
with one of my best friends,
457
00:17:01,947 --> 00:17:02,914
none of this would've happened.
458
00:17:02,982 --> 00:17:05,150
Nobody messed around
with anybody.
459
00:17:05,217 --> 00:17:07,485
Bear is a stuffed animal,
and Joffrey is a baby.
460
00:17:07,553 --> 00:17:10,589
The relationship between Bear
and Joffrey is very real.
461
00:17:10,657 --> 00:17:12,424
And he's not a baby
where it counts!
462
00:17:12,492 --> 00:17:14,894
Okay. You want
to play this game?
463
00:17:14,962 --> 00:17:17,096
You say you want Bear
to meet someone else,
464
00:17:17,164 --> 00:17:18,631
but the second Bear
actually does,
465
00:17:18,699 --> 00:17:20,200
you freak out
466
00:17:20,267 --> 00:17:22,269
and start interfering
and sabotaging.
467
00:17:22,336 --> 00:17:24,370
You talking about me and Bear
or you and Kristen?
468
00:17:24,438 --> 00:17:26,306
What?
469
00:17:28,043 --> 00:17:29,777
(chuckling):
Ryan...
470
00:17:29,844 --> 00:17:31,645
we're a crazy pair.
471
00:17:31,713 --> 00:17:34,014
Sometimes, when you think
you're looking out for...
472
00:17:34,082 --> 00:17:35,249
Jesus!
473
00:17:35,317 --> 00:17:38,352
Why won't you...
474
00:17:38,420 --> 00:17:41,588
die?!
475
00:17:45,193 --> 00:17:46,493
Ryan, aren't you
going to introduce me
476
00:17:46,561 --> 00:17:47,494
to your new friend?
477
00:17:47,562 --> 00:17:49,029
This bear is for Joffrey.
478
00:17:49,097 --> 00:17:50,831
(laughs)
479
00:17:50,899 --> 00:17:52,666
What's up,
Responsible Insurance?
480
00:17:52,734 --> 00:17:54,468
(laughing)
Huh?
481
00:17:54,536 --> 00:17:56,337
Oh, you know, from earlier.
482
00:17:56,404 --> 00:17:58,873
The insurance company we went
to, and then in the back room
483
00:17:58,940 --> 00:18:00,608
they were running
the prostitution ring?
484
00:18:00,675 --> 00:18:02,843
And since you're offering
the new bear to Joffrey,
485
00:18:02,911 --> 00:18:06,113
you're sort of running
your own quasi-prostitution...
486
00:18:06,181 --> 00:18:07,314
Whatever.
You don't get it.
487
00:18:07,382 --> 00:18:09,117
No, I get it.
488
00:18:11,320 --> 00:18:12,954
What are you doing here?
489
00:18:13,022 --> 00:18:15,323
(high-pitched voice):
Hi, Kristen.
490
00:18:15,391 --> 00:18:18,426
Your brother Ryan sent me over
to say he's sorry.
491
00:18:19,796 --> 00:18:21,463
Can we talk?
492
00:18:21,531 --> 00:18:23,451
Only if you promise
never to do that voice again.
493
00:18:25,101 --> 00:18:26,935
Maybe on some level,
494
00:18:27,003 --> 00:18:29,405
I'm worried that if you find
happiness with someone,
495
00:18:29,472 --> 00:18:31,073
you won't need me anymore.
496
00:18:31,141 --> 00:18:32,775
Ryan, you're my brother.
497
00:18:32,843 --> 00:18:35,111
I'll always need you.
And so will Joffrey.
498
00:18:35,179 --> 00:18:36,659
You know, in case
you haven't noticed,
499
00:18:36,714 --> 00:18:38,915
you're not the only one
who needs to feel needed.
500
00:18:38,983 --> 00:18:41,184
I guess we both have some issues
we have to work out.
501
00:18:43,688 --> 00:18:46,757
And then I said, "What's up,
Responsible Insurance?"
502
00:18:46,825 --> 00:18:48,860
(chuckles)
Exactly!
503
00:18:48,927 --> 00:18:50,561
Thank you!
504
00:18:50,629 --> 00:18:52,549
Would it help if I called
Michael and apologized?
505
00:18:52,563 --> 00:18:54,931
Nah, don't bother. I doubt it
would've worked out anyway.
506
00:18:54,999 --> 00:18:57,100
He drives a Honda.
And he's so pale.
507
00:18:57,167 --> 00:18:59,602
Anyway, that's the last time
I let Dad set me up.
508
00:18:59,669 --> 00:19:01,103
Dad?
509
00:19:01,171 --> 00:19:02,504
You said you met him at yoga.
510
00:19:02,572 --> 00:19:04,640
Well, yeah, well, I lied.
511
00:19:04,707 --> 00:19:06,908
I figured you'd freak out
if you knew Dad was involved.
512
00:19:06,976 --> 00:19:08,376
But here is the truth, Ryan:
513
00:19:08,444 --> 00:19:10,178
Dad met a wonderful guy,
514
00:19:10,246 --> 00:19:12,380
and he thought he'd be perfect
for his daughter.
515
00:19:12,448 --> 00:19:14,516
And I know you think Dad's
always up to something,
516
00:19:14,584 --> 00:19:16,718
but it's not true.
He isn't out to get you.
517
00:19:16,786 --> 00:19:17,953
In fact, he was the one
518
00:19:18,020 --> 00:19:19,381
who convinced me
to let you babysit
519
00:19:19,389 --> 00:19:21,189
when he had to cancel
at the last minute.
520
00:19:21,257 --> 00:19:23,625
Dad was the original
babysitter?
521
00:19:23,693 --> 00:19:24,993
Yeah. Why?
522
00:19:34,171 --> 00:19:36,239
(line ringing)
523
00:19:36,307 --> 00:19:38,274
MAN:
Well, this is a surprise.
524
00:19:38,342 --> 00:19:39,843
Let me be clear:
525
00:19:39,910 --> 00:19:42,011
I'm not calling to say hello
or to catch up.
526
00:19:42,079 --> 00:19:43,647
I just have one thing to say.
527
00:19:43,714 --> 00:19:45,382
All right, well...
528
00:19:45,450 --> 00:19:47,490
This is a strange way
to open our first conversation
529
00:19:47,552 --> 00:19:49,686
in over a year, Ryan,
but go ahead.
530
00:19:49,754 --> 00:19:50,954
I know what you did.
531
00:19:51,022 --> 00:19:52,189
Okay.
532
00:19:52,256 --> 00:19:53,456
What did I do?
533
00:19:53,524 --> 00:19:55,492
Setting Kristen up with Michael,
534
00:19:55,560 --> 00:19:57,193
offering to babysit,
535
00:19:57,261 --> 00:19:58,962
canceling at the last minute
536
00:19:59,030 --> 00:20:00,898
and advising her to call me.
537
00:20:00,965 --> 00:20:03,400
You knew I'd screw things up
with Kristen.
538
00:20:03,467 --> 00:20:05,469
You wanted me to,
539
00:20:05,537 --> 00:20:08,038
so that she'd give you the legal
guardianship, and not me.
540
00:20:09,207 --> 00:20:11,308
It was a giant manipulation.
541
00:20:13,311 --> 00:20:16,814
Do you realize
how crazy that sounds?
542
00:20:16,882 --> 00:20:20,318
I'm not the bad guy, Ryan.
543
00:20:20,386 --> 00:20:23,087
Just stay out of my life.
544
00:20:23,155 --> 00:20:24,422
Ryan, wait.
545
00:20:27,259 --> 00:20:29,928
It was good
to hear your voice, son.
546
00:20:29,995 --> 00:20:34,299
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com