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Sync & corrections by honeybunny
Resync for WEB-DL by lost0ne
www.addic7ed.com
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Wow, Joffrey sure is
getting big.
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Big or fat?
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I say fat, but Michael says big.
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Either way, it's a problem.
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- Michael?
- Oh, I've been seeing a guy
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00:00:38,099 --> 00:00:39,965
from yoga class
for the past couple weeks.
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00:00:40,032 --> 00:00:41,333
We're actually going out
again tonight.
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It's nothing serious yet.
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He's a smart, handsome doctor.
He's great with kids.
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Child molesters
are great with kids.
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What are you saying, Ryan?
Do you want me to stop dating?
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No, of course not.
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Look at that.
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I'm surprised the little fat-ass
missed a morsel.
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So do you want me to
call you a cab or...?
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Breakfast?
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00:00:59,420 --> 00:01:02,789
Uh, yeah, I've kind of got
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a bunch of errands
to run today, so...
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Ah, shit, my homeboy
just saw me.
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I better go say hi.
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KRISTEN: Where the hell did
I put those baby wipes?
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WILFRED:
Hey!
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J-Murda!
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What's up, little man?
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Still shitting whenever?
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Nice!
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Is she gone yet?
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Oh, geez.
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Hey, sorry about that.
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KRISTEN: I've been thinking
a lot about who should be
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Joffrey's legal guardian,
and I'm leaning towards Dad.
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- Dad?
- Yeah, Ryan, despite what you think,
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Dad is not that bad.
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He has been generously
supporting me
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while I look for a new job.
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He's... he's just a great
role model for Joffrey.
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He's successful,
he's reliable, he's thin.
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He's also controlling
and manipulative.
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Why not me?
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Honestly, I'm the only guy
in your life
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who's really looking out
for you.
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You actually want this?
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Of course. I love Joffrey.
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Okay, well, I guess I'll keep
thinking about it, then.
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But so you know,
it's a huge responsibility.
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Can you honestly look me
in the eye
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00:02:02,725 --> 00:02:04,365
and tell me
you've got your shit together?
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I'm good. I swear.
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00:02:10,867 --> 00:02:13,769
Ryan, check out this
Internet site I found.
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00:02:13,837 --> 00:02:15,705
It's for people who just want
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to have raunchy, demented sex,
no strings attached.
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"Stuffed-Animal-Store.com"?
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WILFRED: Look at the expression
on that slut's face.
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I bet she gives insane trunk.
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Ah, dude,
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check the horn on that freak.
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Wouldn't mind sitting on that.
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What's going on with you today?
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I thought you and Bear
were married.
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We were, but married life's
not really for me.
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I'm like a tumbleweed,
a rolling stone.
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Or a freight train
that can't stay on the tracks,
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00:02:42,268 --> 00:02:44,303
and it's, like,
going off a cliff
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with, like,
250 passengers on board,
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00:02:46,373 --> 00:02:48,007
and a lot of them
die on impact,
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but there's like,
ten that survive,
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00:02:50,377 --> 00:02:52,078
and they're trapped.
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00:02:52,146 --> 00:02:55,381
And there's this one guy,
he's so in shock,
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he's laughing maniacally,
and the flames are closing in,
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00:02:59,153 --> 00:03:02,623
and everyone's, like, sobbing
and holding each other,
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but it's the laughter
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that's the most
disturbing thing of all.
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00:03:07,696 --> 00:03:11,799
And there's this one lady...
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and her eye
is just, like... out.
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The point is, I'm single again.
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Want to come out tonight
and get some strange?
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I'm not really in the mood.
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You never are.
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I should've called Joffrey.
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I mean, that guy's my dawg!
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I mean, you go out
with him, you just know
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he's leaving the club with two
tiny little handfuls of ass.
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I'm just worried about Kristen.
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Ever since she became a mom,
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she's been making
some questionable choices,
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like letting a guy she barely
knows hang around her baby,
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choosing my dad to be
the legal guardian.
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I think I need to be more
involved in her life.
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You and your sister have
a messed up relationship.
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It's like you get off
on sabotaging each other's lives
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and then miraculously being
there to pick up the pieces.
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Come on.
I would never stand in the way
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of my sister's happiness.
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Even if it means she won't need
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00:04:02,354 --> 00:04:04,074
little brother's shoulder
to cry on anymore?
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00:04:04,088 --> 00:04:05,789
God, why am I listening
to sibling advice
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00:04:05,857 --> 00:04:07,557
from a guy who ate his
own sister's ears?
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Ear.
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00:04:12,463 --> 00:04:14,498
Ryan, have you seen
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00:04:14,566 --> 00:04:17,167
my We Bought a Zoo
Criterion Collection?
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What do you mean,
suck your dick?
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Bear?
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Was that you just talking?
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Okay, first of all, holy shit,
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that was a spot-on
Ryan impression.
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Second, what the hell
are you doing here?
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It's over between us.
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(knocking)
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Must be the pizza.
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Kristen.
Where have you been?
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I tried calling you,
like, six times!
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My babysitter canceled
at the last second,
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so I really need you
to help me out, okay?
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You know, since you're
the only guy in my life
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who's really
looking out for me?
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Plus, you know,
it'll give you a chance
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to see what it'd be like
to be his guardian.
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Of course, yeah.
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WILFRED:
Yeah... boy!
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Joffrey's in the house!
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J-Money, what's popping?!
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(knocking)
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KRISTEN:
Oh, that's Michael.
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You wanted to meet him, right?
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(Joffrey fussing)
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Yeah, I know.
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Hey.
Michael, this is my brother, Ryan.
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Oh, hey, Ryan. Michael.
Hey.
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Did you have trouble
finding the house?
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No, I got a GPS thing
in my car.
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Couldn't wait two minutes, right?
(Joffrey crying)
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I-I've got him.
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Oh, it's okay, buddy.
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Uncle Ryan's here.
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Maybe this wasn't a good idea.
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It'll be fine.
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(high-pitched)
Hi there, Joffrey!
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I'm Mr. Bear.
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Would you like to be my friend?
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00:05:31,012 --> 00:05:32,913
I'd like to be your friend.
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(makes kissing sound)
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Seems like you're not
the only one
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who can do spot-on
impressions, eh, Bear?
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Told you he was good.
Okay, I'm just gonna go
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to the bathroom,
and then we'll leave.
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00:05:41,056 --> 00:05:42,256
Okay.
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00:05:46,861 --> 00:05:48,928
So...
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00:05:48,996 --> 00:05:51,797
where are you planning
on taking my sister tonight?
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00:05:51,865 --> 00:05:53,399
Oh, there's this, uh,
little Italian restaurant
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I've been wanting to try.
Gennaro's?
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00:05:54,667 --> 00:05:56,768
Oh, cool, cool.
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Is that your Honda out there?
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00:06:00,306 --> 00:06:01,772
Yeah.
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00:06:01,840 --> 00:06:03,874
Huh.
Not exactly the kind of car
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00:06:03,942 --> 00:06:05,842
you'd expect a doctor to drive.
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00:06:05,910 --> 00:06:07,477
I'm not really a car guy, so...
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00:06:07,545 --> 00:06:08,778
(phone rings)
Oh.
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00:06:11,982 --> 00:06:14,850
Sorry, I've got to take this
outside, if you don't mind.
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WILFRED: So, Joffs, I
was thinking tonight
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the two of us can go out
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and maybe try heroin
for the first time.
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(Joffrey cooing)
Oh, I'm sorry.
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00:06:22,456 --> 00:06:24,390
I didn't realize
you two were talking.
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00:06:24,458 --> 00:06:26,759
No, I think it's great
that you two are talking.
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You're a great listener,
and, uh...
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00:06:28,329 --> 00:06:29,962
and Bear could use
a friend right now.
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So three cold ones, then, yeah?
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00:06:37,603 --> 00:06:39,971
Where's Michael?
Outside on the phone.
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Well, what do you think?
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00:06:41,973 --> 00:06:44,307
He seems great.
Right?
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And just so you know,
if tonight goes
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00:06:45,910 --> 00:06:47,610
how I expect it to,
there will be plenty
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00:06:47,678 --> 00:06:48,778
of opportunities
for you to babysit.
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00:06:48,846 --> 00:06:49,713
(chuckling)
Okay.
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Like, a lot.
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Like, overnight.
Oh. Oh, I get it.
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00:06:53,818 --> 00:06:55,452
Okay. Well, call me
if you need anything.
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00:06:55,520 --> 00:06:57,020
Okay.
I won't need a thing.
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00:06:57,088 --> 00:06:58,489
Oh, uh, Kristen?
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00:06:58,556 --> 00:07:00,324
Thanks for trusting
me with Joffrey.
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00:07:00,392 --> 00:07:02,526
It'll be nice to spend
some alone time with him.
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Good night.
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00:07:07,699 --> 00:07:09,600
What the hell?
185
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Ah.
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00:07:11,169 --> 00:07:14,205
No, I get it.
187
00:07:14,272 --> 00:07:16,540
We're divorced now,
so you're fair game.
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00:07:16,608 --> 00:07:17,942
I'm cool with that.
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00:07:18,010 --> 00:07:20,178
You two have fun.
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00:07:24,816 --> 00:07:26,684
(Joffrey crying)
191
00:07:30,343 --> 00:07:33,079
Look at them. Flaunting it
in front of my face.
192
00:07:33,146 --> 00:07:35,081
Yeah, I hope you
used protection.
193
00:07:35,149 --> 00:07:38,017
I wouldn't like for you
to catch Bear's semen ants.
194
00:07:38,085 --> 00:07:39,985
Semen ants?
195
00:07:40,053 --> 00:07:42,321
That's the technical name
for the colony of ants
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00:07:42,389 --> 00:07:43,823
living inside Bear
that sustains itself
197
00:07:43,891 --> 00:07:45,825
from the nutrients
obtained from my semen.
198
00:07:45,892 --> 00:07:48,527
Okay, I'm ending this line
of conversation right now.
199
00:07:48,595 --> 00:07:50,429
Oh. Well, see, that's the
thing about semen ants.
200
00:07:50,497 --> 00:07:52,131
No one wants to talk about it.
201
00:07:52,199 --> 00:07:54,066
So how do we ever educate
anyone about this epidemic?
202
00:07:54,134 --> 00:07:55,901
You know, Obama has semen ants.
203
00:07:55,969 --> 00:07:57,649
He rarely talks about it,
but he's got 'em.
204
00:07:59,173 --> 00:08:01,774
(Joffrey coos)
205
00:08:01,842 --> 00:08:03,376
Are you gonna try
and Google it?
206
00:08:03,443 --> 00:08:05,344
Yeah, you won't find it
on the normal Internet,
207
00:08:05,412 --> 00:08:06,979
but it's all over the deep Web.
208
00:08:07,047 --> 00:08:08,580
I'm not looking up
Obama's semen ants.
209
00:08:08,648 --> 00:08:09,948
I'm checking Facebook
210
00:08:10,016 --> 00:08:12,284
to see if Kristen
is friends with Michael.
211
00:08:12,351 --> 00:08:13,985
There was something
off about him.
212
00:08:14,053 --> 00:08:15,587
Good idea.
213
00:08:15,654 --> 00:08:17,689
Find out what you can
so we can expose him.
214
00:08:17,757 --> 00:08:19,591
You know, if it wasn't
for that Michael guy,
215
00:08:19,659 --> 00:08:20,959
Bear wouldn't have
even been introduced
216
00:08:21,027 --> 00:08:22,461
to that backstabbing
Bro Code violator!
217
00:08:22,529 --> 00:08:24,363
(Wilfred chuckles)
218
00:08:24,431 --> 00:08:26,499
What do you mean,
Joffrey makes love to you
219
00:08:26,566 --> 00:08:28,934
the way you deserve
to be made love to,
220
00:08:29,002 --> 00:08:32,505
gently and tenderly, but at the
same time firmly and forceful?
221
00:08:32,572 --> 00:08:34,473
(scoffing laugh)
Oh, really?
222
00:08:34,541 --> 00:08:36,910
Well, I find that
hard to believe.
223
00:08:36,978 --> 00:08:41,214
Okay, on the count of three,
let's both say our penis sizes.
224
00:08:41,281 --> 00:08:42,782
One, two, three...
225
00:08:42,850 --> 00:08:44,450
Tiny!
226
00:08:44,518 --> 00:08:46,853
Wait, did you just say,
"Thick as a brick"?
227
00:08:50,791 --> 00:08:52,625
(whistles appreciatively)
228
00:08:52,693 --> 00:08:54,961
She's not even
Facebook friends with him.
229
00:08:55,029 --> 00:08:56,529
How well could she know him?
230
00:08:56,597 --> 00:08:58,264
I mean, she's Facebook friends
231
00:08:58,332 --> 00:08:59,699
with her high school
krump instructor.
232
00:08:59,767 --> 00:09:01,234
Maybe we're wasting our time.
233
00:09:01,302 --> 00:09:04,538
I mean, maybe Kristen
has found a perfect guy.
234
00:09:04,606 --> 00:09:06,173
He's tall,
good-looking, smart,
235
00:09:06,241 --> 00:09:08,809
has the fresh scent
of a woman's nether regions,
236
00:09:08,877 --> 00:09:10,310
he's got GPS...
237
00:09:10,378 --> 00:09:12,179
Wait-- the scent of what?
238
00:09:12,246 --> 00:09:14,047
A woman's nether regions.
239
00:09:14,115 --> 00:09:16,182
Was the scent Kristen's?
240
00:09:16,250 --> 00:09:18,218
No, no, way less pumpkiny.
241
00:09:18,285 --> 00:09:21,822
And also, it was very fresh,
like no more than an hour old.
242
00:09:21,890 --> 00:09:24,458
Wilfred, that means
he fooled around
243
00:09:24,526 --> 00:09:27,928
with someone before
he picked up my sister.
244
00:09:27,995 --> 00:09:29,997
If we could find...
245
00:09:32,033 --> 00:09:33,701
You're making this up,
aren't you?
246
00:09:33,768 --> 00:09:35,435
And why would I do that?
247
00:09:35,503 --> 00:09:37,183
Because, if she breaks it off
with Michael,
248
00:09:37,238 --> 00:09:38,639
then she won't need me
to babysit,
249
00:09:38,706 --> 00:09:39,840
which means
Joffrey won't be around
250
00:09:39,907 --> 00:09:41,541
to steal Bear away from you.
251
00:09:41,609 --> 00:09:43,610
I'm telling you, that guy
reeked of nether regions.
252
00:09:43,678 --> 00:09:45,913
And if there's one thing
I never lie about,
253
00:09:45,980 --> 00:09:47,380
it's guys reeking
of nether regions!
254
00:09:49,217 --> 00:09:51,419
Wilfred, have you seen
the bottle
255
00:09:51,487 --> 00:09:53,388
with Kristen's breast milk?
256
00:09:53,456 --> 00:09:55,256
Ah...
257
00:09:55,324 --> 00:09:57,526
Well, well, well,
258
00:09:57,593 --> 00:09:59,828
without his precious
energy drink,
259
00:09:59,896 --> 00:10:02,297
it looks like baby Joffrey
won't have the strength
260
00:10:02,365 --> 00:10:04,700
to jackhammer Bear
for a whole hour again tonight.
261
00:10:04,767 --> 00:10:07,469
Right in front of me, too. Rude.
262
00:10:11,474 --> 00:10:13,075
Turn down this alley.
263
00:10:13,143 --> 00:10:14,876
There's a shortcut to the CVS.
264
00:10:14,944 --> 00:10:17,012
How do I know what kind
of formula to buy?
265
00:10:17,080 --> 00:10:18,680
Why don't you ask Kristen?
266
00:10:18,748 --> 00:10:20,549
Because I don't
feel like explaining
267
00:10:20,617 --> 00:10:22,651
that the dog drank
her breast milk.
268
00:10:22,719 --> 00:10:24,052
I'm supposed to be proving
269
00:10:24,120 --> 00:10:25,520
that I can be
responsible, remember?
270
00:10:25,588 --> 00:10:26,788
Turn left here.
271
00:10:26,856 --> 00:10:28,357
(tires squeal)
272
00:10:28,425 --> 00:10:31,293
Stop, stop, stop, stop,
stop, stop, stop.
273
00:10:31,361 --> 00:10:34,396
Wait-- I don't see a CVS.
274
00:10:34,464 --> 00:10:36,298
There's a liquor store...
275
00:10:36,366 --> 00:10:38,067
Gennaro's?
276
00:10:38,134 --> 00:10:39,435
Wilfred!
277
00:10:39,503 --> 00:10:41,237
What are you doing?!
278
00:10:43,106 --> 00:10:44,507
(hushed)
Wilfred!
279
00:10:45,909 --> 00:10:48,243
Is this Michael's car?
280
00:10:48,311 --> 00:10:49,745
I sure hope so.
281
00:10:49,812 --> 00:10:50,912
Wilfred!
282
00:10:52,915 --> 00:10:54,850
You get out of there!
283
00:10:54,918 --> 00:10:56,685
What if someone sees us?
284
00:10:58,622 --> 00:11:00,856
Hello, Michael McDerry.
285
00:11:00,924 --> 00:11:02,724
You got his name?
Uh-huh.
286
00:11:06,028 --> 00:11:08,529
Uh, check the GPS.
The last address.
287
00:11:08,597 --> 00:11:11,299
I like the way you think, mate.
288
00:11:11,366 --> 00:11:13,000
Hurry!
289
00:11:15,337 --> 00:11:17,037
Another woman's name.
290
00:11:17,105 --> 00:11:18,739
See, I told you
I wasn't bullshitting.
291
00:11:18,806 --> 00:11:21,174
He was with
this non-pumpkiny Gloria chick
292
00:11:21,242 --> 00:11:23,009
just before he came
to pick up Kristen.
293
00:11:23,077 --> 00:11:25,779
All we have to do now
is go to her house and...
294
00:11:25,846 --> 00:11:27,380
Oh, my God.
295
00:11:27,448 --> 00:11:29,749
What?
Is there something else?
296
00:11:29,817 --> 00:11:32,352
His middle name is Paul.
297
00:11:32,420 --> 00:11:33,754
So?
298
00:11:33,822 --> 00:11:35,022
Don't you see what this means?
299
00:11:35,089 --> 00:11:35,989
Paul?
300
00:11:36,057 --> 00:11:38,491
Paul the Ball?
301
00:11:38,559 --> 00:11:40,860
(laughing)
Oh, man.
302
00:11:40,928 --> 00:11:42,962
We are gonna rip
on this guy so bad.
303
00:11:43,030 --> 00:11:44,330
(laughing)
304
00:11:44,398 --> 00:11:45,632
Paul the Ball.
305
00:11:45,699 --> 00:11:46,766
Come on.
306
00:11:54,645 --> 00:11:57,388
"Responsible Insurance"?
This is so weird.
307
00:11:57,508 --> 00:11:59,075
What, is he hooking up
with his insurance agent?
308
00:11:59,143 --> 00:12:00,443
Well, look.
309
00:12:00,511 --> 00:12:01,976
I think we have
all the evidence we need.
310
00:12:02,096 --> 00:12:03,880
I say we go back to Gennaro's,
311
00:12:03,947 --> 00:12:05,615
maybe split an appetizer,
312
00:12:05,683 --> 00:12:08,451
definitely try the cannelloni
with walnuts and fried sage--
313
00:12:08,519 --> 00:12:10,220
it's all anyone's
talking about on Yelp--
314
00:12:10,287 --> 00:12:12,955
then stab Michael's face
three or four dozen times.
315
00:12:13,023 --> 00:12:14,691
But it's not enough
evidence, Wilfred.
316
00:12:14,758 --> 00:12:15,992
Ryan, I'm telling you.
317
00:12:16,060 --> 00:12:18,261
Him, his GPS,
his steering wheel,
318
00:12:18,329 --> 00:12:21,030
all smacking of the fresh scent
of nether regions.
319
00:12:21,098 --> 00:12:22,532
Oh, will you stop
saying "nether regions"?
320
00:12:22,599 --> 00:12:24,667
No one calls it that.
It's weird.
321
00:12:24,735 --> 00:12:26,769
I'm just using
the clinical term.
322
00:12:30,841 --> 00:12:32,843
Is everything okay out here?
323
00:12:32,911 --> 00:12:34,812
Sorry. I was just
looking for someone.
324
00:12:34,879 --> 00:12:36,380
Who were you looking for?
325
00:12:37,682 --> 00:12:40,151
Someone named...
Gloria.
326
00:12:42,654 --> 00:12:44,355
Come inside.
327
00:12:48,860 --> 00:12:50,827
Now...
328
00:12:50,895 --> 00:12:52,295
who am I speaking to?
329
00:12:52,363 --> 00:12:53,563
No real names.
330
00:12:53,631 --> 00:12:54,798
Say Shabazzleford.
331
00:12:54,865 --> 00:12:56,867
Sha... Dave.
332
00:12:56,934 --> 00:12:58,635
Mmm...
333
00:12:58,703 --> 00:13:01,505
Will Gloria be joining us?
334
00:13:02,707 --> 00:13:04,575
I am Gloria.
335
00:13:06,811 --> 00:13:09,079
So, Dave...
336
00:13:10,916 --> 00:13:12,917
...who should we thank
for this referral?
337
00:13:12,984 --> 00:13:15,219
(sniffing)
338
00:13:15,287 --> 00:13:16,387
It's not her, Dave.
339
00:13:17,523 --> 00:13:18,756
(sighs)
340
00:13:18,824 --> 00:13:20,258
I'm sorry.
341
00:13:20,325 --> 00:13:23,161
I-I think I've
made a mistake.
342
00:13:23,228 --> 00:13:24,328
I-I should really leave.
343
00:13:24,396 --> 00:13:25,529
Who told you about us, Dave?
344
00:13:27,232 --> 00:13:28,699
Oh, there's no need
to be nervous.
345
00:13:31,069 --> 00:13:33,104
Michael.
346
00:13:33,172 --> 00:13:35,507
Michael McDerry.
347
00:13:35,575 --> 00:13:37,242
Oh...
348
00:13:37,309 --> 00:13:39,344
Well, why didn't you say so?
349
00:13:39,411 --> 00:13:42,180
Michael's a really good
friend of the agency's.
350
00:13:42,248 --> 00:13:43,281
Come on.
(clicks tongue)
351
00:13:43,349 --> 00:13:44,449
Follow.
352
00:13:46,486 --> 00:13:48,687
♪ ♪
353
00:13:50,557 --> 00:13:51,924
Whoa.
354
00:13:51,992 --> 00:13:53,926
You know what this place is.
355
00:13:53,994 --> 00:13:56,628
The nether regions have got
to be here somewhere.
356
00:13:56,696 --> 00:13:58,063
I'll find them.
357
00:13:58,131 --> 00:14:00,131
(chimes)
358
00:14:03,936 --> 00:14:05,803
By the way, Dave,
359
00:14:05,871 --> 00:14:08,739
I feel like I need
to be candid with you:
360
00:14:08,807 --> 00:14:11,976
We absolutely forbid
the involvement of children.
361
00:14:12,043 --> 00:14:14,211
But I am more than happy
362
00:14:14,279 --> 00:14:15,713
to watch over the baby
363
00:14:15,781 --> 00:14:17,181
while you and your dog
364
00:14:17,249 --> 00:14:19,050
realize your very own
unique, special fantasy.
365
00:14:19,051 --> 00:14:20,551
No...
So you just let me know
366
00:14:20,619 --> 00:14:22,353
when you see something
you like, okay?
367
00:14:22,421 --> 00:14:24,589
(chuckles)
368
00:14:28,094 --> 00:14:29,228
She's here.
369
00:14:29,295 --> 00:14:30,862
Are you sure?
Positive.
370
00:14:30,930 --> 00:14:32,264
Are you chewing gum?
371
00:14:32,331 --> 00:14:34,833
No. Dogs can't
chew gum, Ryan.
372
00:14:34,901 --> 00:14:35,868
(phone ringing)
373
00:14:35,935 --> 00:14:37,169
Shit.
374
00:14:37,237 --> 00:14:39,505
Kristen. How's dinner?
375
00:14:39,572 --> 00:14:40,873
KRISTEN:
Ryan, where the hell are you?
376
00:14:40,941 --> 00:14:43,243
Where is Joffrey?
Is Joffrey okay?
377
00:14:43,310 --> 00:14:45,612
R-Ryan?
378
00:14:45,679 --> 00:14:47,180
Ryan!
379
00:14:49,116 --> 00:14:50,817
Oh... Hey, guys.
380
00:14:50,885 --> 00:14:53,586
Uh, sorry to scare
you like that.
381
00:14:53,654 --> 00:14:56,189
How come you're back so early?
382
00:14:56,257 --> 00:14:58,091
Someone broke
into Michael's car.
383
00:14:58,159 --> 00:14:59,859
Oh...
384
00:14:59,927 --> 00:15:01,194
Oh, God.
385
00:15:01,262 --> 00:15:02,763
You took Joffrey out
without his hat?
386
00:15:02,830 --> 00:15:04,064
He could've gotten pneumonia.
387
00:15:04,132 --> 00:15:05,532
I'm sorry.
I didn't think about it..
388
00:15:05,600 --> 00:15:06,833
I actually did think about it,
389
00:15:06,901 --> 00:15:08,335
but I wanted Joffrey
to catch pneumonia,
390
00:15:08,402 --> 00:15:10,103
'cause, well...
dude's a dick.
391
00:15:10,170 --> 00:15:11,410
That was so
irresponsible, Ryan.
392
00:15:11,439 --> 00:15:12,773
It is pretty cold out there.
393
00:15:12,840 --> 00:15:14,341
Really?
394
00:15:14,409 --> 00:15:15,676
You're the last person
395
00:15:15,743 --> 00:15:17,511
that should be passing
judgment on anyone.
396
00:15:17,579 --> 00:15:18,679
Excuse me?
I know what you've been doing
397
00:15:18,747 --> 00:15:19,847
at Gloria's.
398
00:15:19,915 --> 00:15:21,782
What?
Who's Gloria?
399
00:15:21,850 --> 00:15:24,218
Yeah, Michael, who is Gloria?
400
00:15:24,285 --> 00:15:26,754
She's just, um...
You know what?
401
00:15:26,822 --> 00:15:28,856
I'd rather not talk about her.
Oh, because you don't want
402
00:15:28,924 --> 00:15:30,325
to tell Kristen
about the illegal brothel
403
00:15:30,392 --> 00:15:31,893
that you've been frequenting?
404
00:15:31,961 --> 00:15:33,962
I'm sorry to be the one
to tell you this,
405
00:15:34,030 --> 00:15:36,030
but Michael
was with a prostitute
406
00:15:36,098 --> 00:15:38,066
right before he picked you up
for your date tonight.
407
00:15:38,134 --> 00:15:39,467
Ryan, what the hell
are you talking about?
408
00:15:39,535 --> 00:15:40,835
Are you insane?
409
00:15:40,903 --> 00:15:41,770
MICHAEL:
No, it's...
410
00:15:41,838 --> 00:15:43,371
it's true.
411
00:15:44,640 --> 00:15:46,274
But-but it's not what you think.
412
00:15:46,342 --> 00:15:48,443
The prostitute was a patient.
413
00:15:48,511 --> 00:15:50,045
Patient?
414
00:15:50,112 --> 00:15:52,080
Michael's a gynecologist, Ryan.
415
00:15:52,148 --> 00:15:53,582
Yeah, I do pro bono work
416
00:15:53,649 --> 00:15:54,983
for an organization
called Safety First.
417
00:15:55,051 --> 00:15:56,318
Most of the women are illegals.
418
00:15:56,386 --> 00:15:57,820
They're scared, uneducated,
419
00:15:57,887 --> 00:15:59,488
and they don't have access
to health insurance.
420
00:15:59,556 --> 00:16:02,559
So I perform free
blood work, Pap smears.
421
00:16:02,626 --> 00:16:04,828
In fact, earlier tonight,
422
00:16:04,895 --> 00:16:06,329
I had to make
an emergency visit
423
00:16:06,397 --> 00:16:07,877
because one of the women
was suffering
424
00:16:07,899 --> 00:16:09,460
from an infection
of the nether regions.
425
00:16:09,467 --> 00:16:11,769
You know, I have to say,
the fact that
426
00:16:11,837 --> 00:16:14,038
you snooped around
and secretly gathered
427
00:16:14,105 --> 00:16:15,385
all of this information
about me,
428
00:16:15,406 --> 00:16:17,040
it makes me very uncomfortable.
429
00:16:17,108 --> 00:16:18,308
Michael, I hope you
know I had nothing...
430
00:16:18,376 --> 00:16:19,457
I-I think I'd better leave.
431
00:16:22,913 --> 00:16:25,414
Well, Ryan, you were right.
432
00:16:25,482 --> 00:16:27,116
I guess I was letting
a crazy person
433
00:16:27,183 --> 00:16:29,018
hang around Joffrey: you.
434
00:16:29,085 --> 00:16:30,119
No...
You can obviously forget
435
00:16:30,186 --> 00:16:31,720
about the legal guardianship.
436
00:16:31,787 --> 00:16:33,455
Kristen, wait.
437
00:16:33,522 --> 00:16:34,823
Oh, my God.
438
00:16:34,890 --> 00:16:38,493
Are those... ants?
439
00:16:38,561 --> 00:16:41,596
Not just any ants.
440
00:16:41,664 --> 00:16:42,898
KRISTEN: Ugh!
(door closes)
441
00:16:47,959 --> 00:16:50,499
Oh, you love Joffrey now?
Look at his hairline!
442
00:16:50,619 --> 00:16:52,386
It's only gonna get worse.
443
00:16:52,454 --> 00:16:54,188
You tattooed his name
444
00:16:54,255 --> 00:16:55,989
on the inside of
your lower lip?!
445
00:16:56,057 --> 00:16:58,058
Gah!
446
00:16:58,126 --> 00:17:01,128
If I can't have
you, no one will!
447
00:17:01,195 --> 00:17:02,396
(grunts)
448
00:17:02,463 --> 00:17:03,864
Just let it happen.
449
00:17:03,932 --> 00:17:05,732
Into the light.
450
00:17:05,800 --> 00:17:07,667
Shh...
451
00:17:09,404 --> 00:17:10,571
Oh, hey, Ryan. What's up?
452
00:17:10,638 --> 00:17:11,872
"What's up?"
453
00:17:11,940 --> 00:17:13,340
Thanks to your little
love triangle,
454
00:17:13,407 --> 00:17:14,675
my sister isn't speaking to me.
455
00:17:14,742 --> 00:17:16,911
Hey, I'm a victim here, too.
456
00:17:16,978 --> 00:17:19,219
If Bear hadn't messed around
with one of my best friends,
457
00:17:19,247 --> 00:17:20,214
none of this would've happened.
458
00:17:20,282 --> 00:17:22,450
Nobody messed around
with anybody.
459
00:17:22,517 --> 00:17:24,785
Bear is a stuffed animal,
and Joffrey is a baby.
460
00:17:24,853 --> 00:17:27,889
The relationship between Bear
and Joffrey is very real.
461
00:17:27,957 --> 00:17:29,724
And he's not a baby
where it counts!
462
00:17:29,792 --> 00:17:32,194
Okay. You want
to play this game?
463
00:17:32,262 --> 00:17:34,396
You say you want Bear
to meet someone else,
464
00:17:34,464 --> 00:17:35,931
but the second Bear
actually does,
465
00:17:35,999 --> 00:17:37,500
you freak out
466
00:17:37,567 --> 00:17:39,569
and start interfering
and sabotaging.
467
00:17:39,636 --> 00:17:41,670
You talking about me and Bear
or you and Kristen?
468
00:17:41,738 --> 00:17:43,606
What?
469
00:17:45,343 --> 00:17:47,077
(chuckling)
Ryan...
470
00:17:47,144 --> 00:17:48,945
we're a crazy pair.
471
00:17:49,013 --> 00:17:51,314
Sometimes, when you think
you're looking out for...
472
00:17:51,382 --> 00:17:52,549
Jesus!
473
00:17:52,617 --> 00:17:55,652
Why won't you...
474
00:17:55,720 --> 00:17:58,888
die?!
475
00:18:02,493 --> 00:18:03,793
Ryan, aren't you
going to introduce me
476
00:18:03,861 --> 00:18:04,794
to your new friend?
477
00:18:04,862 --> 00:18:06,329
This bear is for Joffrey.
478
00:18:06,397 --> 00:18:08,131
(laughs)
479
00:18:08,199 --> 00:18:09,966
What's up,
Responsible Insurance?
480
00:18:10,034 --> 00:18:11,768
(laughing)
Huh?
481
00:18:11,836 --> 00:18:13,637
Oh, you know, from earlier.
482
00:18:13,704 --> 00:18:16,173
The insurance company we went
to, and then in the back room
483
00:18:16,240 --> 00:18:17,908
they were running
the prostitution ring?
484
00:18:17,975 --> 00:18:20,143
And since you're offering
the new bear to Joffrey,
485
00:18:20,211 --> 00:18:23,413
you're sort of running
your own quasi-prostitution...
486
00:18:23,481 --> 00:18:24,614
Whatever.
You don't get it.
487
00:18:24,682 --> 00:18:26,417
No, I get it.
488
00:18:28,620 --> 00:18:30,254
What are you doing here?
489
00:18:30,322 --> 00:18:32,623
(high-pitched voice)
Hi, Kristen.
490
00:18:32,691 --> 00:18:35,726
Your brother Ryan sent me over
to say he's sorry.
491
00:18:37,096 --> 00:18:38,763
Can we talk?
492
00:18:38,831 --> 00:18:40,751
Only if you promise
never to do that voice again.
493
00:18:42,401 --> 00:18:44,235
Maybe on some level,
494
00:18:44,303 --> 00:18:46,705
I'm worried that if you find
happiness with someone,
495
00:18:46,772 --> 00:18:48,373
you won't need me anymore.
496
00:18:48,441 --> 00:18:50,075
Ryan, you're my brother.
497
00:18:50,143 --> 00:18:52,411
I'll always need you.
And so will Joffrey.
498
00:18:52,479 --> 00:18:53,959
You know, in case
you haven't noticed,
499
00:18:54,014 --> 00:18:56,215
you're not the only one
who needs to feel needed.
500
00:18:56,283 --> 00:18:58,484
I guess we both have some issues
we have to work out.
501
00:19:00,988 --> 00:19:04,057
And then I said, "What's up,
Responsible Insurance?"
502
00:19:04,125 --> 00:19:06,160
(chuckles)
Exactly!
503
00:19:06,227 --> 00:19:07,861
Thank you!
504
00:19:07,929 --> 00:19:09,849
Would it help if I called
Michael and apologized?
505
00:19:09,863 --> 00:19:12,231
Nah, don't bother. I doubt it
would've worked out anyway.
506
00:19:12,299 --> 00:19:14,400
He drives a Honda.
And he's so pale.
507
00:19:14,467 --> 00:19:16,902
Anyway, that's the last time
I let Dad set me up.
508
00:19:16,969 --> 00:19:18,403
Dad?
509
00:19:18,471 --> 00:19:19,804
You said you met him at yoga.
510
00:19:19,872 --> 00:19:21,940
Well, yeah, well, I lied.
511
00:19:22,007 --> 00:19:24,208
I figured you'd freak out
if you knew Dad was involved.
512
00:19:24,276 --> 00:19:25,676
But here is the truth, Ryan:
513
00:19:25,744 --> 00:19:27,478
Dad met a wonderful guy,
514
00:19:27,546 --> 00:19:29,680
and he thought he'd be perfect
for his daughter.
515
00:19:29,748 --> 00:19:31,816
And I know you think Dad's
always up to something,
516
00:19:31,884 --> 00:19:34,018
but it's not true.
He isn't out to get you.
517
00:19:34,086 --> 00:19:35,253
In fact, he was the one
518
00:19:35,320 --> 00:19:36,681
who convinced me
to let you babysit
519
00:19:36,689 --> 00:19:38,489
when he had to cancel
at the last minute.
520
00:19:38,557 --> 00:19:40,925
Dad was the original
babysitter?
521
00:19:40,993 --> 00:19:42,293
Yeah. Why?
522
00:19:51,471 --> 00:19:53,539
(line ringing)
523
00:19:53,607 --> 00:19:55,574
MAN:
Well, this is a surprise.
524
00:19:55,642 --> 00:19:57,143
Let me be clear:
525
00:19:57,210 --> 00:19:59,311
I'm not calling to say hello
or to catch up.
526
00:19:59,379 --> 00:20:00,947
I just have one thing to say.
527
00:20:01,014 --> 00:20:02,682
All right, well...
528
00:20:02,750 --> 00:20:04,790
This is a strange way
to open our first conversation
529
00:20:04,852 --> 00:20:06,986
in over a year, Ryan,
but go ahead.
530
00:20:07,054 --> 00:20:08,254
I know what you did.
531
00:20:08,322 --> 00:20:09,489
Okay.
532
00:20:09,556 --> 00:20:10,756
What did I do?
533
00:20:10,824 --> 00:20:12,792
Setting Kristen up with Michael,
534
00:20:12,860 --> 00:20:14,493
offering to babysit,
535
00:20:14,561 --> 00:20:16,262
canceling at the last minute
536
00:20:16,330 --> 00:20:18,198
and advising her to call me.
537
00:20:18,265 --> 00:20:20,700
You knew I'd screw things up
with Kristen.
538
00:20:20,767 --> 00:20:22,769
You wanted me to,
539
00:20:22,837 --> 00:20:25,338
so that she'd give you the legal
guardianship, and not me.
540
00:20:26,507 --> 00:20:28,608
It was a giant manipulation.
541
00:20:30,611 --> 00:20:34,114
Do you realize
how crazy that sounds?
542
00:20:34,182 --> 00:20:37,618
I'm not the bad guy, Ryan.
543
00:20:37,686 --> 00:20:40,387
Just stay out of my life.
544
00:20:40,455 --> 00:20:41,722
Ryan, wait.
545
00:20:44,559 --> 00:20:47,228
It was good
to hear your voice, son.
546
00:20:47,295 --> 00:20:51,599
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