1 00:00:15,520 --> 00:00:18,720 - APPLAUSE - Hello! 2 00:00:18,720 --> 00:00:24,440 Hello, everybody! Thank you so much. We're back! 3 00:00:24,440 --> 00:00:26,600 We are back! 4 00:00:29,640 --> 00:00:31,800 Yes, however, we're back 5 00:00:31,800 --> 00:00:35,800 and I'm sure many of you will be delighted to hear that in this, 6 00:00:35,800 --> 00:00:42,120 our 20th series, we've slowed down a little and grown up a lot. 7 00:00:42,120 --> 00:00:44,520 LAUGHTER 8 00:00:44,520 --> 00:00:46,600 We have. To show you what I mean, 9 00:00:46,600 --> 00:00:51,200 we've prepared a montage which shows what you can expect 10 00:00:51,200 --> 00:00:55,680 over the coming weeks from a new, more mature Top Gear. 11 00:00:59,840 --> 00:01:01,560 Gentlemen, the time has come. 12 00:01:06,520 --> 00:01:08,400 Oh, you're joking! 13 00:01:11,040 --> 00:01:14,720 What I'm saying is, we turn this town into a street circuit. 14 00:01:14,720 --> 00:01:16,800 TYRES SCREECH 15 00:01:20,160 --> 00:01:21,480 Oh, God. Ow! 16 00:01:23,600 --> 00:01:25,920 He's looking good there, looking good. 17 00:01:34,000 --> 00:01:35,520 Sorry. 18 00:01:39,040 --> 00:01:41,120 - It's uphill. - Yeah! - Keep going! - Hell, yeah. 19 00:01:43,840 --> 00:01:45,720 It is a rampant rabbit. 20 00:01:50,080 --> 00:01:52,080 There has been a crash. 21 00:01:52,080 --> 00:01:54,040 Oooh, in the face! 22 00:01:58,080 --> 00:01:59,200 I can hear a bike. 23 00:02:02,640 --> 00:02:04,960 What did we learn, really? 24 00:02:04,960 --> 00:02:07,320 APPLAUSE 25 00:02:08,800 --> 00:02:11,560 Not much evidence of maturity there! 26 00:02:11,560 --> 00:02:15,520 Because there isn't any. But anyway! That is all to come. 27 00:02:15,520 --> 00:02:17,640 Some of it later on, 28 00:02:17,640 --> 00:02:20,880 but we begin in the 1980s. 29 00:02:20,880 --> 00:02:24,520 Back then hot hatchbacks were very, very popular. 30 00:02:24,520 --> 00:02:28,280 Everybody wanted to steal one and perhaps that's why 31 00:02:28,280 --> 00:02:31,320 they went away but now they're coming back, 32 00:02:31,320 --> 00:02:33,440 and we thought we ought to see what is what. 33 00:02:33,440 --> 00:02:36,400 So, Richard Hammond is your adjudicator 34 00:02:36,400 --> 00:02:39,680 and the track is our battleground. 35 00:02:44,240 --> 00:02:48,160 This is the first one to come charging over the top. 36 00:02:48,160 --> 00:02:50,960 The Peugeot 208 GTi. 37 00:02:54,640 --> 00:02:57,280 Righty-oh! What we are looking for here is something 38 00:02:57,280 --> 00:02:58,880 we haven't seen in a long while. 39 00:02:58,880 --> 00:03:03,040 A Peugeot where you can actually feel its pulse. 40 00:03:04,040 --> 00:03:06,360 And it is off to a promising start 41 00:03:06,360 --> 00:03:09,320 because they certainly have not scrimped on power. 42 00:03:10,720 --> 00:03:14,760 200 Horsepower, that's what you get from the 1.6 litre turbo, 43 00:03:14,760 --> 00:03:18,240 and that's quite a generous helping in a little car. 44 00:03:19,840 --> 00:03:23,080 0 to 60 is dispatched in under seven seconds. 45 00:03:25,320 --> 00:03:30,800 Then comes the torque. Quite a lot of it, 203 ft-lbs. 46 00:03:33,960 --> 00:03:38,280 It's like surfing a giant wave of exploding petrol. 47 00:03:45,640 --> 00:03:49,400 The designers have been allowed to enjoy themselves too. 48 00:03:49,400 --> 00:03:51,280 Because everywhere you look 49 00:03:51,280 --> 00:03:55,560 there are little reminders of the much-loved 205 GTi. 50 00:03:59,160 --> 00:04:01,760 It's good, it shows intent. 51 00:04:01,760 --> 00:04:05,000 Like this chubby little steering wheel, it says, "Come on, 52 00:04:05,000 --> 00:04:07,640 "Let's get on and do something." 53 00:04:07,640 --> 00:04:12,200 Which brings us neatly to the most important part of a GTi. 54 00:04:12,200 --> 00:04:15,520 What happens when you ask it to go round a corner? Come on, 55 00:04:15,520 --> 00:04:19,120 little Peugeot, let's see if you can set my trousers on fire. 56 00:04:22,920 --> 00:04:24,960 There it is! 57 00:04:26,880 --> 00:04:28,480 HE LAUGHS 58 00:04:28,480 --> 00:04:30,840 TYRES SCREECH 59 00:04:32,920 --> 00:04:34,680 It does eat up corners. 60 00:04:36,760 --> 00:04:41,040 It's light, there's loads of grip and I swear I am cocking a wheel, 61 00:04:41,040 --> 00:04:42,960 I'm sure I am. 62 00:04:44,400 --> 00:04:47,760 That's a wheel in the air. Bit of that. 63 00:04:47,760 --> 00:04:50,120 Turn the indicators off and carry on like you meant it. 64 00:04:50,120 --> 00:04:51,440 That's the way to do it. 65 00:04:53,680 --> 00:04:57,760 There's no doubt about it, this car is a real return to form 66 00:04:57,760 --> 00:05:02,400 from a company that has been stuck in a rut of dreary boxes for too long. 67 00:05:02,400 --> 00:05:09,040 But remember, we are now in a GTi war and to win it, 68 00:05:09,040 --> 00:05:11,800 the Peugeot must take on this... 69 00:05:15,400 --> 00:05:17,360 ..the brand-new hot Renault Clio. 70 00:05:24,080 --> 00:05:26,320 Like the Peugeot it doesn't lack for oomph, 71 00:05:26,320 --> 00:05:27,800 197 brake horsepower. 72 00:05:29,560 --> 00:05:33,120 From, like the Peugeot, a 1.6 litre turbo. 73 00:05:34,800 --> 00:05:39,160 But where the Peugeot looks back to the old 205, 74 00:05:39,160 --> 00:05:44,600 the Renault is aimed squarely at today's computer geeks. 75 00:05:47,000 --> 00:05:51,200 This central screen here I've got gauges, a lot of them. 76 00:05:53,400 --> 00:05:57,320 I've got a G diagram of...my G. 77 00:05:57,320 --> 00:06:00,720 And then this is real PlayStation stuff, you can 78 00:06:00,720 --> 00:06:03,240 actually change the sound of the engine. 79 00:06:03,240 --> 00:06:08,080 You go into the menu and you can select the noise from different cars. 80 00:06:08,080 --> 00:06:12,000 Like a Renault Alpine which is an old classic or even an Nissan GTR. 81 00:06:12,000 --> 00:06:15,640 So I'm going to have...a V6. 82 00:06:18,000 --> 00:06:20,120 ENGINE REVS 83 00:06:20,120 --> 00:06:24,000 Oooh, that sounds... Yeah! 84 00:06:24,000 --> 00:06:27,080 If ten-year-olds could drive, they would love this. 85 00:06:29,400 --> 00:06:33,880 And then when you push this button, a strangely familiar crash 86 00:06:33,880 --> 00:06:37,080 helmet appears and you can do this... 87 00:06:39,400 --> 00:06:40,880 ROARING OF TYRES 88 00:06:43,400 --> 00:06:46,840 It makes the brakes, everything a lot more hard-core. 89 00:06:48,920 --> 00:06:50,800 Oh! Come on, that's feeling nice. 90 00:06:53,920 --> 00:06:55,960 Without doubt, 91 00:06:55,960 --> 00:07:00,240 the computerised Clio has a more juvenile streak than the Peugeot. 92 00:07:02,920 --> 00:07:06,520 But sadly, it also has a really annoying problem... 93 00:07:08,960 --> 00:07:13,200 This gearbox, it's about as sharp as a vicar sweeping up leaves. 94 00:07:13,200 --> 00:07:16,080 Through the bends, it just doesn't have the speed to react. 95 00:07:16,080 --> 00:07:17,520 And there's another problem, 96 00:07:17,520 --> 00:07:21,440 the whole idea of a flappy paddle gearbox in a hot hatch. 97 00:07:21,440 --> 00:07:24,560 I don't want to sound like James May, "I prefer the old-fashioned type." 98 00:07:24,560 --> 00:07:26,280 But I do. 99 00:07:26,280 --> 00:07:29,920 Changing gear is a vital form of self-expression that I am being denied. 100 00:07:33,560 --> 00:07:37,360 It's not like you can opt for a manual either, because 101 00:07:37,360 --> 00:07:40,480 with this car it's flappy paddle or nothing. 102 00:07:40,480 --> 00:07:42,560 The high-tech little Renault is good 103 00:07:42,560 --> 00:07:45,560 but the stupid gearbox spoils your fun. 104 00:07:49,560 --> 00:07:52,960 And that leaves it vulnerable to attack from this... 105 00:07:56,560 --> 00:07:58,120 ..the Ford Fiesta ST. 106 00:07:59,360 --> 00:08:04,920 It's been five too long years since Ford give us a hot Fiesta. 107 00:08:04,920 --> 00:08:07,520 On paper this thing looks to be going into battle with 108 00:08:07,520 --> 00:08:10,160 the Frenchies on the back foot because like the other two 109 00:08:10,160 --> 00:08:15,320 it has a 1.6 litre turbo, but 20 brake horsepower less. 110 00:08:15,320 --> 00:08:17,280 179. 111 00:08:19,560 --> 00:08:22,920 But here's the thing, the other two each cost just under 19 grand, 112 00:08:22,920 --> 00:08:24,640 but this is two grand cheaper. 113 00:08:27,160 --> 00:08:31,880 Yet despite the reasonable price, the Fiesta certainly looks the part. 114 00:08:33,560 --> 00:08:39,200 It's got fat 17 inch alloys, Recaro seats, 115 00:08:39,200 --> 00:08:43,840 and a full suite of skirts, spoilers and big exhausts. 116 00:08:46,000 --> 00:08:51,120 All of which is very nice, but with that 20 horsepower deficit, 117 00:08:51,120 --> 00:08:54,960 the Fiesta is still likely to get a pasting in a drag race. 118 00:08:57,200 --> 00:09:02,000 But you never know, this is lighter and it has more torque. 119 00:09:02,000 --> 00:09:04,640 It might win, or come second... 120 00:09:04,640 --> 00:09:06,080 or third. 121 00:09:08,920 --> 00:09:11,400 Three, two, one. 122 00:09:11,400 --> 00:09:12,520 Go! 123 00:09:17,280 --> 00:09:21,400 Changing gear as quickly as I can, manually. I come down. 124 00:09:22,720 --> 00:09:27,120 Come on, come on, come on, Ford! Come on! 125 00:09:27,120 --> 00:09:31,920 Oh! Yes, it's done the third thing, the third option. 126 00:09:33,960 --> 00:09:36,640 But then I took the Ford for a spot of cornering. 127 00:09:38,200 --> 00:09:40,960 TYRES SCREECH 128 00:09:48,480 --> 00:09:50,000 Oh, this is epic! 129 00:09:52,080 --> 00:09:55,480 The others have had their suspension lowered a bit. 130 00:09:55,480 --> 00:09:59,160 This has had its dropped by a whole juicy 15 millimetres. 131 00:10:02,400 --> 00:10:06,240 You can feel it. It corners flat. 132 00:10:09,560 --> 00:10:12,360 It's not just about being nearer the ground. 133 00:10:12,360 --> 00:10:15,920 Everything about the Fiesta, the steering, the handling, 134 00:10:15,920 --> 00:10:20,640 the responsiveness is peerless. They've got this bang on right. 135 00:10:22,200 --> 00:10:23,240 It's brilliant. 136 00:10:24,960 --> 00:10:28,920 When you switch the traction control off, it really is off. 137 00:10:31,840 --> 00:10:33,880 Ha, ha! 138 00:10:35,400 --> 00:10:38,480 Ford have remembered the key mantra of a hot hatch, it is 139 00:10:38,480 --> 00:10:40,560 not just what it does, 140 00:10:40,560 --> 00:10:44,960 it's how it makes you feel while it is doing it. 141 00:10:46,240 --> 00:10:48,440 You can't put a price on that. 142 00:10:50,760 --> 00:10:53,400 Superb! 143 00:10:58,880 --> 00:11:05,080 So, conclusion time. The Peugeot and the Renault are really very good. 144 00:11:05,080 --> 00:11:09,440 But the Ford, the Ford is simply brilliant. 145 00:11:13,480 --> 00:11:15,320 APPLAUSE 146 00:11:15,320 --> 00:11:17,120 It is, though. It is, it's fabulous. 147 00:11:17,120 --> 00:11:19,440 Superb. 148 00:11:19,440 --> 00:11:22,240 It's almost as though all the planets aligned to make this car. 149 00:11:22,240 --> 00:11:25,320 - Exactly. - Everything was in place. - Exactly it. 150 00:11:25,320 --> 00:11:28,400 In years to come, this will be looked back on as an all-time classic. 151 00:11:28,400 --> 00:11:31,960 It's the same way we look back now on the Sierra Cosworth or 152 00:11:31,960 --> 00:11:35,400 - the RS2000. - The Mexico. - Lotus Cortina. 153 00:11:35,400 --> 00:11:37,440 That's how good this thing is. 154 00:11:37,440 --> 00:11:41,760 I mean, the other two are good, very good, but this thing is just genius. 155 00:11:41,760 --> 00:11:45,680 It is. But is it the fastest round our track? To find out 156 00:11:45,680 --> 00:11:48,880 we must give them all to our tame racing driver. 157 00:11:48,880 --> 00:11:51,200 Some say he has the world's largest 158 00:11:51,200 --> 00:11:53,280 collection of horse eggs. 159 00:11:55,480 --> 00:11:57,560 When he knocked Rafa Nadal out 160 00:11:57,560 --> 00:12:00,160 this week it wasn't during a game of tennis. 161 00:12:01,800 --> 00:12:04,160 All we know is, he's called The Stig! 162 00:12:04,160 --> 00:12:06,360 APPLAUSE 163 00:12:06,360 --> 00:12:08,680 And they're off. A strong start from the Fiesta, 164 00:12:08,680 --> 00:12:10,160 but the other two soon level up 165 00:12:10,160 --> 00:12:13,480 as they pile down to the first corner, turbos spinning furiously. 166 00:12:14,840 --> 00:12:17,000 Tyres howling as they lurch to the left, 167 00:12:17,000 --> 00:12:20,680 but that is about as dramatic as it gets so far. 168 00:12:20,680 --> 00:12:23,840 JAUNTY MUSIC 169 00:12:25,360 --> 00:12:29,880 I'm told The Stig was listening to TV theme tunes there... 170 00:12:29,880 --> 00:12:33,080 It sounded like an accident in a bric-a-brac shop. 171 00:12:33,080 --> 00:12:34,960 They swing round Chicago, no fuss. 172 00:12:36,080 --> 00:12:38,720 Into the Hammerhead, this should root out under-steerers, 173 00:12:38,720 --> 00:12:40,120 they're all frontwheel drive. 174 00:12:40,120 --> 00:12:43,040 The Fiesta flashing its hazards under hard braking, 175 00:12:43,040 --> 00:12:44,800 but they are all bang online. 176 00:12:44,800 --> 00:12:47,440 Very tidy. Impressive stuff. 177 00:12:47,440 --> 00:12:50,040 JAUNTY MUSIC 178 00:12:52,760 --> 00:12:56,520 Stig choosing to reverse round in the Renault for some reason. 179 00:12:56,520 --> 00:12:58,800 Anyway, is the Fiesta's lack of power going 180 00:12:58,800 --> 00:13:00,040 to be exposed here? 181 00:13:00,040 --> 00:13:02,720 No, not by the look of it. Two corners left. 182 00:13:03,880 --> 00:13:06,880 The Peugeot cocking a wheel. 183 00:13:06,880 --> 00:13:08,560 Yes. There we are as we go 184 00:13:08,560 --> 00:13:10,120 to the second-to-last corner, 185 00:13:10,120 --> 00:13:12,920 only Gambon, all three scampering through there. 186 00:13:12,920 --> 00:13:15,320 Not much between them and across the line. 187 00:13:15,320 --> 00:13:17,600 APPLAUSE 188 00:13:17,600 --> 00:13:19,120 OK, now. 189 00:13:20,720 --> 00:13:24,720 The Renault...that did it in 1.32. 190 00:13:26,280 --> 00:13:28,320 The Peugeot, 1.33.2. 191 00:13:28,320 --> 00:13:32,400 And the Ford Fiesta, this is the one we are interested in, 192 00:13:32,400 --> 00:13:35,640 1.32.7, so it's in the middle, but it doesn't matter. 193 00:13:35,640 --> 00:13:38,200 This is still the one to buy. 194 00:13:38,200 --> 00:13:41,560 I honestly haven't driven a car as surprising 195 00:13:41,560 --> 00:13:45,320 or as likeable as this for a very long while. 196 00:13:45,320 --> 00:13:49,200 The only thing I don't like about it is the name, ST. 197 00:13:49,200 --> 00:13:51,520 Why have they named it after a lady towel? 198 00:13:53,720 --> 00:13:57,320 And now the news. The news is, you may have read about this recently, 199 00:13:57,320 --> 00:14:00,960 there are plans to open pubs in motorway service stations. 200 00:14:00,960 --> 00:14:02,800 - I don't get that. - I don't get it either. 201 00:14:02,800 --> 00:14:05,840 Because as it's on a motorway, 202 00:14:05,840 --> 00:14:08,680 you are bound to be driving which means you can only have one drink. 203 00:14:08,680 --> 00:14:11,280 And when it comes to drink, one is impossible. 204 00:14:11,280 --> 00:14:13,800 - LAUGHTER - Come on! 205 00:14:13,800 --> 00:14:19,040 - What if... What if you're the passenger? - I see, James, 206 00:14:19,040 --> 00:14:20,760 - so I'm driving you. - Mm-hm. 207 00:14:20,760 --> 00:14:25,200 As I fill up with petrol, you say, "I'm going to get a gin and tonic." 208 00:14:25,200 --> 00:14:26,400 Yes. 209 00:14:26,400 --> 00:14:29,520 Well, if you do that, you may as well prepare a sign that 210 00:14:29,520 --> 00:14:31,840 says Hammersmith on a bit of card. 211 00:14:31,840 --> 00:14:34,840 Because when you come out, I will have gone. 212 00:14:34,840 --> 00:14:38,600 I'm not actually that interested in pubs in motorway service stations, 213 00:14:38,600 --> 00:14:40,960 what bothers me is why do they sell trousers? 214 00:14:40,960 --> 00:14:42,680 I've never got halfway... 215 00:14:42,680 --> 00:14:46,120 Has anybody ever gone halfway through a motorway 216 00:14:46,120 --> 00:14:49,160 and thought, "I've forgot my trousers! 217 00:14:49,160 --> 00:14:51,680 "I had better get these elasticated beige ones." 218 00:14:51,680 --> 00:14:54,560 I don't understand why people even stop to eat at motorway 219 00:14:54,560 --> 00:14:56,400 service stations. 220 00:14:56,400 --> 00:14:59,280 There is no car journey in Britain so long that you would starve 221 00:14:59,280 --> 00:15:01,240 to death before you got somewhere to eat. 222 00:15:01,240 --> 00:15:05,200 Like the pub thing, it's not that far to wait for a drink. 223 00:15:05,200 --> 00:15:07,920 You don't think, "I'm so desperate I'm going to pull over 224 00:15:07,920 --> 00:15:09,880 "and have half a pint of shandy." 225 00:15:09,880 --> 00:15:11,480 Stupid. 226 00:15:11,480 --> 00:15:14,720 - I would. - That's cos you're a raving alcoholic, James. 227 00:15:16,360 --> 00:15:19,280 - Can I move it on? - We've got off topic here. 228 00:15:19,280 --> 00:15:21,760 Can I talk, please, about potholes? 229 00:15:21,760 --> 00:15:25,000 Where I live in Hertfordshire, I came to work on my bike 230 00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:26,520 and I hit a pothole. 231 00:15:26,520 --> 00:15:30,520 It was vast, I shot up about 15 feet in the air off the bike. 232 00:15:30,520 --> 00:15:32,120 By the time I was coming back down, 233 00:15:32,120 --> 00:15:34,280 the bike had hit the opposite wall, it bounced up, 234 00:15:34,280 --> 00:15:38,840 as I was coming down, it leapt up and head butted me in the plants. 235 00:15:38,840 --> 00:15:40,720 It was agony. 236 00:15:40,720 --> 00:15:42,800 That's why I was late to the office, cos 237 00:15:42,800 --> 00:15:46,320 I had to stop by the side of the road and massage them. 238 00:15:47,600 --> 00:15:49,280 Let's just get this straight. 239 00:15:49,280 --> 00:15:52,840 You were standing by the side of a presumably busy main road, 240 00:15:52,840 --> 00:15:54,240 rubbing your testes? 241 00:15:54,240 --> 00:15:56,800 In leather trousers, yeah. 242 00:15:56,800 --> 00:16:00,240 Come to think of it, if you saw that, that's what was going on. 243 00:16:01,720 --> 00:16:06,240 I tell you what though, Hammond, the pothole is not the problem. 244 00:16:06,240 --> 00:16:09,920 It's a pothole that has been repaired by a British worker johnny. 245 00:16:09,920 --> 00:16:12,320 Look at this. Look at that! 246 00:16:14,120 --> 00:16:17,600 How can you stand back and go, "Yes, I have done a good job there?" 247 00:16:18,960 --> 00:16:21,000 It can't be that difficult for a solution. 248 00:16:21,000 --> 00:16:24,880 They need to design like a liquid that you just pour into 249 00:16:24,880 --> 00:16:29,520 potholes everywhere, and then it sets, so it is self-level and it would... 250 00:16:29,520 --> 00:16:31,440 Why could you not do that? 251 00:16:31,440 --> 00:16:35,320 - It is a brilliant idea. - Thank you, it's mine! - It's available. 252 00:16:35,320 --> 00:16:37,160 My cheese sauce does that. 253 00:16:39,040 --> 00:16:42,120 James, you know I said we'd got more mature in this series? 254 00:16:42,120 --> 00:16:46,160 - You've gone straight to dementia. - No, no, no, no. - Cheese sauce? 255 00:16:46,160 --> 00:16:49,640 When I make cheese sauce, I always make too much, like everybody does. 256 00:16:49,640 --> 00:16:52,280 So there is like a quarter of an inch at the bottom of the pan 257 00:16:52,280 --> 00:16:54,840 and when you get up the next day, that bit is so hard you either 258 00:16:54,840 --> 00:16:58,280 throw the pan away or you treat that as the new bottom of the pan. 259 00:16:58,280 --> 00:16:59,920 LAUGHTER 260 00:16:59,920 --> 00:17:02,880 - If you put that in the hole, Bob's your uncle. - Cheese sauce? 261 00:17:02,880 --> 00:17:07,520 - We've solved it. - Bet you're glad we are back! 262 00:17:07,520 --> 00:17:12,400 How has the world managed without us for the last few months? 263 00:17:12,400 --> 00:17:15,480 - Can I let you into a little secret? - Oh, is it time? 264 00:17:15,480 --> 00:17:18,200 LAUGHTER 265 00:17:22,920 --> 00:17:25,520 APPLAUSE 266 00:17:25,520 --> 00:17:27,800 I think after 20 series... 267 00:17:29,890 --> 00:17:32,130 No, can I let you into a little secret? 268 00:17:32,130 --> 00:17:34,330 You know those gantries over the motorway, 269 00:17:34,330 --> 00:17:36,730 they've got them on the M25 and on the M1, OK? 270 00:17:36,730 --> 00:17:40,410 They have speed limits on them so that you can temporarily lower 271 00:17:40,410 --> 00:17:44,210 the speed limit to warn drivers of an accident or congestion ahead. 272 00:17:44,210 --> 00:17:47,010 And then there are speed cameras on the back of the gantries to 273 00:17:47,010 --> 00:17:49,570 make sure that people do actually slow down. 274 00:17:49,570 --> 00:17:51,890 Well, now here is my secret. 275 00:17:51,890 --> 00:17:55,610 It turns out the police can turn those cameras on at 276 00:17:55,610 --> 00:17:58,330 - any time they like. - Really? 277 00:17:58,330 --> 00:18:01,130 Which means the Chief Constable sitting there at his desk, 278 00:18:01,130 --> 00:18:02,250 "I fancy a new car." 279 00:18:02,250 --> 00:18:06,170 Pop the cameras on and after, I was going to say half an hour, 280 00:18:06,170 --> 00:18:10,810 but probably ten seconds, he's got enough for a supercharged Jag. 281 00:18:10,810 --> 00:18:13,090 LAUGHTER 282 00:18:13,090 --> 00:18:16,450 We should point out for reasons of BBC impartiality that other 283 00:18:16,450 --> 00:18:21,570 luxury cars are available to bent chiefs of policemen. 284 00:18:23,010 --> 00:18:25,850 - Right, now, can we talk about BMW? - Yes. - Yes. 285 00:18:25,850 --> 00:18:27,610 They're on a bit of a roll at the moment, 286 00:18:27,610 --> 00:18:30,130 - they are making some cracking cars. - Very much so. 287 00:18:30,130 --> 00:18:32,570 Now there's another new one coming called the 4 Series, 288 00:18:32,570 --> 00:18:34,210 we have a picture of it here. 289 00:18:34,210 --> 00:18:38,170 It is a replacement for the two-door 3 Series Coupe. 290 00:18:38,170 --> 00:18:40,330 I think that looks absolutely fantastic, 291 00:18:40,330 --> 00:18:42,770 and best of all, there's going to be a motor sport version. 292 00:18:42,770 --> 00:18:45,570 So that will be called the M4! 293 00:18:47,050 --> 00:18:50,850 So presumably it will be fantastic at one end and then very dark 294 00:18:50,850 --> 00:18:52,770 and miserable at the other end. 295 00:18:52,770 --> 00:18:55,090 And then you will pay a toll to put something in the boot 296 00:18:55,090 --> 00:18:57,170 but not to take it out again. 297 00:18:57,170 --> 00:19:00,010 Why are they naming it after the M4 - because it's awful?! 298 00:19:00,010 --> 00:19:02,170 I have to spend a lot of time on it 299 00:19:02,170 --> 00:19:05,090 and it is the worst motorway in the world, so call it something else. 300 00:19:05,090 --> 00:19:06,730 Hang on a minute. If you think the M4 301 00:19:06,730 --> 00:19:08,250 is the worst motorway, why do you 302 00:19:08,250 --> 00:19:10,250 spend all your life driving up and down it? 303 00:19:10,250 --> 00:19:12,170 Because I live at the other end of it. 304 00:19:12,170 --> 00:19:15,570 - Why don't you live at our end of it? - Because my house is at the other end. 305 00:19:15,570 --> 00:19:17,770 - Well, move house. - I like living there, 306 00:19:17,770 --> 00:19:20,130 I just don't like travelling there on the motorway. 307 00:19:20,130 --> 00:19:22,010 But that's a large part of living there. 308 00:19:22,010 --> 00:19:23,530 Yes, but I like being on Top Gear. 309 00:19:23,530 --> 00:19:26,130 - I don't like having to talk to you to get there. - You should live 310 00:19:26,130 --> 00:19:29,850 where Top Gear is made. You can live at our end, you can do things like have electricity, 311 00:19:29,850 --> 00:19:32,330 sewers, watch television. 312 00:19:32,330 --> 00:19:36,690 I like my end of the M4, I just don't like the bit in between it 313 00:19:36,690 --> 00:19:38,290 and where you are. 314 00:19:38,290 --> 00:19:39,690 How much of a shock is it to you 315 00:19:39,690 --> 00:19:42,730 to get into a car where we live and get out the other end, 316 00:19:42,730 --> 00:19:45,450 all you can do is light a candle and make your own chutney? 317 00:19:45,450 --> 00:19:47,970 LAUGHTER I like it. 318 00:19:47,970 --> 00:19:51,450 Anyway, the BMW goes on sale at the end of the year, prices start at 319 00:19:51,450 --> 00:19:54,490 £31,500, unless of course you live where Hammond does, in which case 320 00:19:54,490 --> 00:19:56,810 it is 16 groats and an oxen. 321 00:19:59,570 --> 00:20:03,450 Now, moving on, tonight we are going to have a race 322 00:20:03,450 --> 00:20:06,690 and it is a very important one, because it is to see which is 323 00:20:06,690 --> 00:20:11,850 fastest, Jeremy in a car, or me on a sailing boat. 324 00:20:11,850 --> 00:20:14,050 First of all, we needed a course. 325 00:20:14,050 --> 00:20:16,930 The producer suggested we go from Great Yarmouth 326 00:20:16,930 --> 00:20:19,410 up the North Sea to Edinburgh. 327 00:20:19,410 --> 00:20:23,370 Or perhaps from Aberystwyth down through the Irish Sea 328 00:20:23,370 --> 00:20:25,650 to the Lizard Point in Cornwall. 329 00:20:25,650 --> 00:20:29,050 But then James and I had a better idea. 330 00:20:29,050 --> 00:20:30,490 Yes, we did. 331 00:20:34,810 --> 00:20:39,730 'Welcome to New Zealand. The perfect location for our duel. 332 00:20:39,730 --> 00:20:43,690 'Pretty landscapes for Jeremy to drive through 333 00:20:43,690 --> 00:20:47,490 'and most importantly for me, sea that's warm.' 334 00:20:48,570 --> 00:20:52,050 So our race - this is what New Zealand looks like. 335 00:20:52,050 --> 00:20:55,170 This is the bit we are interested in, blown up for you here. 336 00:20:55,170 --> 00:20:58,890 I shall be starting from this very beach, here on the map, 337 00:20:58,890 --> 00:21:03,890 and racing up here to the second most northerly point in New Zealand. 338 00:21:03,890 --> 00:21:07,010 Jeremy, meanwhile, will have to go down here, through 339 00:21:07,010 --> 00:21:11,690 the centre of Auckland and all the way up here to reach the same point. 340 00:21:11,690 --> 00:21:16,410 So I only have to cover 220 miles, 341 00:21:16,410 --> 00:21:19,970 Jeremy has to cover 410. 342 00:21:21,730 --> 00:21:24,770 'To make matters even worse for Jeremy, 35% 343 00:21:24,770 --> 00:21:29,330 'of New Zealand's roads are unpaved, which would slow him down. 344 00:21:29,330 --> 00:21:33,170 'And this is what he would be up against. 345 00:21:33,170 --> 00:21:36,890 'It's called an AC45 and it's the fastest production 346 00:21:36,890 --> 00:21:39,610 'sailing boat in the world. 347 00:21:42,250 --> 00:21:46,610 'With a carbon fibre hull and a rigid sail as big as the wing 348 00:21:46,610 --> 00:21:50,410 'on a Boeing 737, it can reach over 30 knots. 349 00:21:52,290 --> 00:21:57,450 'Then there's the crew. All but one are winners of the America's Cup, 350 00:21:57,450 --> 00:22:00,890 'the most prestigious trophy in yacht racing. 351 00:22:00,890 --> 00:22:04,570 'And as for the one who isn't, well, he is Sir Ben Ainslie, 352 00:22:04,570 --> 00:22:08,050 'four times Olympic sailing gold medallist. 353 00:22:11,250 --> 00:22:15,290 'Put all this together and Jeremy hasn't got a chance.' 354 00:22:17,330 --> 00:22:21,290 I do realise the enormity of the challenge I face, which is 355 00:22:21,290 --> 00:22:25,690 why I have gone for the fastest car in the world. 356 00:22:25,690 --> 00:22:28,170 Here it is. 357 00:22:28,170 --> 00:22:31,730 - It's a Toyota Corolla. - Is that what it is, I haven't looked? Yes, it is. 358 00:22:31,730 --> 00:22:34,530 It's a 1.8 litre Toyota Corolla. 359 00:22:34,530 --> 00:22:37,050 Engine size is irrelevant, James, 360 00:22:37,050 --> 00:22:40,530 because do you know what makes this so fast? 361 00:22:40,530 --> 00:22:43,050 Look in the window. 362 00:22:43,050 --> 00:22:48,170 - I've rented it. - Oh, no. - Yes! And this is the thing, you see. 363 00:22:48,170 --> 00:22:51,090 The Bugatti Veyron, sometimes you're using 15 horsepower, 364 00:22:51,090 --> 00:22:52,970 sometimes you're using only ten. 365 00:22:52,970 --> 00:22:56,850 This, you have 140 horsepower from the moment you start it up 366 00:22:56,850 --> 00:22:58,810 to the moment you crash it. 367 00:22:58,810 --> 00:23:01,210 Did you pick up one of those, what are they called, 368 00:23:01,210 --> 00:23:06,610 - collision damage waiver forms? - No, I picked up six. I did, actually! 369 00:23:06,610 --> 00:23:09,890 When her back was turned, I thought, I'll have some of those. 370 00:23:09,890 --> 00:23:13,970 - So you are ready? - I am really ready for this. - Everybody else ready? 371 00:23:13,970 --> 00:23:18,650 Right, this race will start at precisely 7am 372 00:23:18,650 --> 00:23:20,130 tomorrow morning. 373 00:23:20,130 --> 00:23:21,690 - Beer? - Yes, beer. 374 00:23:28,250 --> 00:23:31,770 OK, pre-flight check. Complete. 375 00:23:32,890 --> 00:23:37,050 There is the boat, soon it will be pointing in the correct direction. 376 00:23:37,050 --> 00:23:39,210 And the race will begin. 377 00:23:39,210 --> 00:23:42,370 'Eventually the boat had done its jiving and sheeting 378 00:23:42,370 --> 00:23:45,930 'and going about and all the crew were at their stations. 379 00:23:49,010 --> 00:23:56,370 - 'And so, at precisely 7.11, the race began.' - Three, two, one... 380 00:23:56,370 --> 00:23:59,690 HORN BLARES 381 00:23:59,690 --> 00:24:01,570 Go! Come on! 382 00:24:04,410 --> 00:24:06,690 We're racing, we are going. Go, boys. 383 00:24:08,250 --> 00:24:09,610 Deploy whenever ready. 384 00:24:12,450 --> 00:24:13,890 Power! 385 00:24:17,610 --> 00:24:21,170 This is not simply a race between a sailing boat 386 00:24:21,170 --> 00:24:22,930 and a little blue hatchback. 387 00:24:22,930 --> 00:24:25,370 I am on a mission from God, 388 00:24:25,370 --> 00:24:30,210 because the world has got it into its head that wind power is 389 00:24:30,210 --> 00:24:33,050 the solution to everything, and I just don't think it is. 390 00:24:34,690 --> 00:24:40,210 Wind is just annoying. Internal combustion is good. 391 00:24:40,210 --> 00:24:43,370 'And at that moment, it looked like I may have had a point.' 392 00:24:47,090 --> 00:24:51,130 - The wrong sail. - What? 393 00:24:51,130 --> 00:24:53,730 When you say the wrong sail, where is the other sail? 394 00:24:53,730 --> 00:24:57,010 - It's right in front of us. - In that bag? 395 00:24:57,010 --> 00:24:59,770 'With the sails having to be swapped over quickly, 396 00:24:59,770 --> 00:25:03,210 'the crew got very shouty with me.' 397 00:25:03,210 --> 00:25:05,050 James, pull that rope. 398 00:25:07,210 --> 00:25:09,970 James, what are you doing there? Get in and help. 399 00:25:09,970 --> 00:25:11,530 Ah! 400 00:25:11,530 --> 00:25:15,090 'The boat was stationary, just 200 metres from the start line. 401 00:25:15,090 --> 00:25:17,530 'Things were looking good... for Jeremy.' 402 00:25:20,090 --> 00:25:21,610 Oh, wow, big one. 403 00:25:23,530 --> 00:25:25,810 It was PJ O'Rourke, the American author, 404 00:25:25,810 --> 00:25:29,810 who first noticed that hire cars are the fastest cars in the world, 405 00:25:29,810 --> 00:25:32,490 and he is of course completely correct. 406 00:25:34,930 --> 00:25:39,210 Because when was the last time you took your car to the red line? 407 00:25:39,210 --> 00:25:43,210 Or you drove it flat out? Never. 408 00:25:43,210 --> 00:25:46,530 But here, in this now, yes, because it isn't mine. 409 00:25:48,890 --> 00:25:50,410 Speed! 410 00:25:56,450 --> 00:25:58,530 'Back at sea, the new sail was up, 411 00:25:58,530 --> 00:26:01,170 'but we still weren't going fast enough.' 412 00:26:03,050 --> 00:26:07,570 12 knots, which is about 14mph in car terms. 413 00:26:07,570 --> 00:26:11,570 That's not bad, but at that rate, it would take us 15 hours. 414 00:26:11,570 --> 00:26:13,490 That's no good. 415 00:26:13,490 --> 00:26:17,250 'Despite the gravel roads, I was going quite a lot faster.' 416 00:26:21,250 --> 00:26:24,810 100km per hour right there, into fourth. 417 00:26:28,530 --> 00:26:30,610 Maybe going a little too fast there, 418 00:26:30,610 --> 00:26:32,610 but it's not my car so it doesn't matter. 419 00:26:34,610 --> 00:26:37,250 I just feel so sorry for James because he is on a boat, he is 420 00:26:37,250 --> 00:26:39,410 not going to see anything of New Zealand, 421 00:26:39,410 --> 00:26:41,010 the prettiest country in the... 422 00:26:41,010 --> 00:26:42,970 world! 423 00:26:47,290 --> 00:26:49,130 I hit something. 424 00:26:53,130 --> 00:26:54,410 'After its wonky start, 425 00:26:54,410 --> 00:26:58,370 'the boat was finally starting to stretch its legs.' 426 00:26:58,370 --> 00:27:02,090 How fast are we going? 25 knots, that's tremendous. 427 00:27:02,090 --> 00:27:04,250 We are about eight miles from the shore 428 00:27:04,250 --> 00:27:08,010 so we have got 200 miles to run. 429 00:27:08,010 --> 00:27:11,770 'This speed, however, did have its downsides.' 430 00:27:13,130 --> 00:27:15,010 Oh! 431 00:27:16,890 --> 00:27:18,930 What's my rank on this trip, skipper? 432 00:27:18,930 --> 00:27:21,930 Am I the coxswain or the bosun or Roger the cabin boy? 433 00:27:21,930 --> 00:27:24,410 - Right now, you're the cabin boy. - Cabin boy. 434 00:27:25,850 --> 00:27:28,130 That would be all right if you had a cabin. 435 00:27:29,890 --> 00:27:31,570 Its accident report form. 436 00:27:31,570 --> 00:27:34,370 "Was Avis vehicle on correct side of the road?" 437 00:27:34,370 --> 00:27:37,810 Yes, I was. "Explain how accident occurred." 438 00:27:37,810 --> 00:27:40,010 A maniac came the other way. 439 00:27:41,250 --> 00:27:44,610 "State who in your opinion was responsible for the accident." 440 00:27:44,610 --> 00:27:47,730 Him! Him! He was mad. 441 00:27:47,730 --> 00:27:50,170 Right, onwards. 442 00:27:55,770 --> 00:27:58,610 OK, three, two, one, diving. 443 00:27:58,610 --> 00:28:01,130 Ooh! Ow! 444 00:28:02,850 --> 00:28:04,690 Come on, James, put some effort in. 445 00:28:09,250 --> 00:28:12,770 This is so catastrophically uncomfortable as a way to travel. 446 00:28:18,810 --> 00:28:25,090 'The £65-a-day hire car and the £700,000 boat hunkered down 447 00:28:25,090 --> 00:28:26,570 'and pressed on.' 448 00:28:36,810 --> 00:28:39,050 Tarmac, white lines. 449 00:28:48,730 --> 00:28:53,010 - We have covered 36 miles. - 36? - Course is 310. 450 00:28:56,690 --> 00:29:02,610 'Imagining that I was well in the lead, I pulled over to call James.' 451 00:29:02,610 --> 00:29:07,890 - Hello? - James May. - Yes, hello? - What speed you doing? 452 00:29:07,890 --> 00:29:12,010 We have been cracking along at 23 knots plus at some points, 453 00:29:12,010 --> 00:29:13,930 it goes like Stig. 454 00:29:13,930 --> 00:29:18,290 23 knots, wow! Is it exhausting? 455 00:29:18,290 --> 00:29:21,810 No, I want to say it's bloody uncomfortable and unpleasant, 456 00:29:21,810 --> 00:29:25,010 but Sir Ben Ainslie is sitting next to me, so I can't really say that. 457 00:29:25,010 --> 00:29:28,650 Can you congratulate him for how good he was in both Gandhi 458 00:29:28,650 --> 00:29:30,330 and Sexy Beast? 459 00:29:31,370 --> 00:29:34,410 'At this point, the producers showed me a tracking device that 460 00:29:34,410 --> 00:29:39,250 'revealed where James actually was.' Oh, my giddy aunt! 461 00:29:39,250 --> 00:29:43,450 That can't be right. According to this, you're miles ahead of me. 462 00:29:43,450 --> 00:29:46,890 - You still talking to me? I can't hear you. - Holy cow! 463 00:29:46,890 --> 00:29:48,730 Get off the phone, I'm busy. 464 00:29:50,730 --> 00:29:51,810 Hello? 465 00:29:53,930 --> 00:29:58,210 'James was 170 miles from the finish line, whereas I, 466 00:29:58,210 --> 00:30:00,770 'because of the unique way New Zealand is shaped, 467 00:30:00,770 --> 00:30:05,770 'was still heading in the wrong direction with 340 miles to go.' 468 00:30:08,930 --> 00:30:10,770 What if I lose this race, people? 469 00:30:10,770 --> 00:30:14,530 If you are campaigning now to stop the government building 470 00:30:14,530 --> 00:30:17,730 2,500 windmills in your back garden to provide you 471 00:30:17,730 --> 00:30:20,850 with enough electricity for the pump in your fish tank 472 00:30:20,850 --> 00:30:24,210 and I lose this, I can only apologise. 473 00:30:24,210 --> 00:30:26,810 I am trying to help you out here but I'm losing. 474 00:30:28,490 --> 00:30:29,930 And I'm losing badly. 475 00:30:46,730 --> 00:30:48,490 I'm actually losing. 476 00:30:48,490 --> 00:30:50,330 And I don't like losing. 477 00:30:51,330 --> 00:30:57,250 No... That boat is like being on a trampoline 478 00:30:57,250 --> 00:31:00,090 that's on a trampoline while somebody throws buckets 479 00:31:00,090 --> 00:31:02,970 of salty water in your face and then dries you off with a blowtorch. 480 00:31:02,970 --> 00:31:04,170 I know what you mean. 481 00:31:04,170 --> 00:31:06,530 On those gravel roads, the bumpiness in that car. 482 00:31:06,530 --> 00:31:08,610 No, Jeremy, you don't know what I mean. 483 00:31:08,610 --> 00:31:12,250 I just wanted to hit a mine, I wanted it to be over. 484 00:31:12,250 --> 00:31:14,770 Well, we'll find out what happens later on, OK? 485 00:31:14,770 --> 00:31:16,170 But now, it is time 486 00:31:16,170 --> 00:31:21,290 to introduce to you all a brand-new reasonably priced car. 487 00:31:21,290 --> 00:31:22,970 The old Kia Cee'd has been retired, 488 00:31:22,970 --> 00:31:26,170 probably sold to a little old lady as an ex-demonstrator. 489 00:31:26,170 --> 00:31:29,570 Low mileage. And this is what shall replace it. 490 00:31:29,570 --> 00:31:31,570 This is a big moment, ladies and gentlemen. 491 00:31:31,570 --> 00:31:33,170 The unveiling of what is, after all, 492 00:31:33,170 --> 00:31:36,250 only our fourth Reasonably Priced Car. 493 00:31:36,250 --> 00:31:38,330 And so... 494 00:31:38,330 --> 00:31:41,170 What do you think of that? Yeah! 495 00:31:41,170 --> 00:31:43,130 APPLAUSE 496 00:31:43,130 --> 00:31:45,690 It's drawn applause and I'm not surprised. 497 00:31:45,690 --> 00:31:49,450 Because, ladies and men, this is 498 00:31:49,450 --> 00:31:51,250 a Vauxhall Astra 499 00:31:51,250 --> 00:31:53,730 1.6 Tech Line, 500 00:31:53,730 --> 00:31:55,410 built in Britain 501 00:31:55,410 --> 00:31:58,970 and available for £17,345. 502 00:31:58,970 --> 00:32:02,810 That may not sound like particularly good value 503 00:32:02,810 --> 00:32:06,090 but you need to know that the Astra Tech Line... 504 00:32:06,090 --> 00:32:08,370 Remember to go into your local radio voice here. 505 00:32:08,370 --> 00:32:11,650 ..Comes with... 506 00:32:11,650 --> 00:32:13,570 IMPORTANT VOICE: A lifetime warranty. 507 00:32:13,570 --> 00:32:15,130 LAUGHTER 508 00:32:15,130 --> 00:32:16,770 Now think about that. 509 00:32:16,770 --> 00:32:18,130 If you're 17 510 00:32:18,130 --> 00:32:21,450 and you live to be 95 or even 100... 511 00:32:21,450 --> 00:32:22,650 - A-ha. - What? 512 00:32:22,650 --> 00:32:24,850 No, it's the lifetime of the car. 513 00:32:24,850 --> 00:32:26,930 Not the owner. It's different. 514 00:32:26,930 --> 00:32:28,330 LAUGHTER 515 00:32:28,330 --> 00:32:29,770 The car?! 516 00:32:29,770 --> 00:32:31,730 It depends how long the car lives. 517 00:32:31,730 --> 00:32:33,170 It's going to be a lot shorter. 518 00:32:33,170 --> 00:32:36,010 - I don't know, it could be a long-lived car. - Well, whatever, 519 00:32:36,010 --> 00:32:38,170 we decided to launch it 520 00:32:38,170 --> 00:32:39,930 with a star-studded party. 521 00:32:44,330 --> 00:32:46,610 'We arrived at the track bright and early 522 00:32:46,610 --> 00:32:50,730 'so we could set up the catering and the hospitality. 523 00:32:50,730 --> 00:32:54,450 'And soon everything was ready for our distinguished guests.' 524 00:32:54,450 --> 00:32:57,530 We have invited literally everybody 525 00:32:57,530 --> 00:32:59,570 from the world of celebrity. 526 00:32:59,570 --> 00:33:03,050 President Carter, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Moira Stuart. 527 00:33:03,050 --> 00:33:06,170 I've invited just for you, cos I know you like her, 528 00:33:06,170 --> 00:33:08,210 Joss Stone. 529 00:33:08,210 --> 00:33:09,490 Really?! 530 00:33:09,490 --> 00:33:10,570 Yes! 531 00:33:10,570 --> 00:33:12,410 You'll be rubbish with her. 532 00:33:12,410 --> 00:33:15,930 Hammond is literally the world's worst human being at small talk. 533 00:33:15,930 --> 00:33:19,050 "Joss, would you like a teabag?" See, I can do it. 534 00:33:19,050 --> 00:33:21,410 Small talk's really easy, Hammond. 535 00:33:21,410 --> 00:33:23,210 You just be interested in somebody else. 536 00:33:23,210 --> 00:33:24,890 That's where it falls down, you see. 537 00:33:24,890 --> 00:33:27,570 - You want to know where do their kids go to school. - Why? 538 00:33:27,570 --> 00:33:29,730 - Where do they live? - Why? 539 00:33:31,250 --> 00:33:33,650 'My lesson in small talk was interrupted 540 00:33:33,650 --> 00:33:35,810 'by the arrival of our first guest - 541 00:33:35,810 --> 00:33:37,450 'Brian Johnson out of AC/DC.' 542 00:33:40,090 --> 00:33:42,850 Good to see you, me son, are you all right? 543 00:33:42,850 --> 00:33:44,450 How are you, mate, are you well? 544 00:33:44,450 --> 00:33:46,450 I'm doing good. Richard, me bonny lad. 545 00:33:46,450 --> 00:33:48,490 Nice to see you. How are you? 546 00:33:48,490 --> 00:33:51,650 I'm fit as a butcher's dog. And you've got a new car? 547 00:33:51,650 --> 00:33:53,810 Yeah, you are the very first person 548 00:33:53,810 --> 00:33:57,570 to drive the new Vauxhall Astra Tech Line. 549 00:33:57,570 --> 00:34:00,410 'Since this was the maiden voyage for our new car, 550 00:34:00,410 --> 00:34:03,290 'we decided to give it a bit of a send-off.' 551 00:34:03,290 --> 00:34:05,250 This is it. 552 00:34:05,250 --> 00:34:07,410 Proud moment. 553 00:34:07,410 --> 00:34:09,530 A new reasonably priced car. 554 00:34:09,530 --> 00:34:12,410 We'll cut the ribbon, thanks to Brian Johnson! 555 00:34:12,410 --> 00:34:16,090 In...three, two, one - GO! 556 00:34:20,010 --> 00:34:22,170 It's got stuck in the car. 557 00:34:22,170 --> 00:34:23,650 You stupid idiot! 558 00:34:23,650 --> 00:34:26,090 - What tape have you used? - It didn't cut it. 559 00:34:26,090 --> 00:34:27,970 What happened? Sorry, Brian. 560 00:34:27,970 --> 00:34:29,690 You back up, Brian. 561 00:34:29,690 --> 00:34:31,730 Edit this out. 562 00:34:31,730 --> 00:34:35,410 In three, two, one...GO! 563 00:34:38,090 --> 00:34:40,570 OK, come on, little boy. 564 00:34:40,570 --> 00:34:42,770 Let's get this little puppy round it. 565 00:34:42,770 --> 00:34:45,690 'Whilst Brian pounded round the track... 566 00:34:48,250 --> 00:34:49,730 '..our next guest arrived. 567 00:34:49,730 --> 00:34:52,290 'Charles Dance out of Game Of Thrones.' 568 00:34:52,290 --> 00:34:55,650 Where's the other one, the third member of your team? 569 00:34:55,650 --> 00:34:57,970 He doesn't come down. He's interested mostly 570 00:34:57,970 --> 00:35:00,770 in classical harpsichord music, rather than... 571 00:35:00,770 --> 00:35:03,970 - Richard, that's disgusting coffee. - It is, thank you. (BLEEP) - horrible. 572 00:35:03,970 --> 00:35:05,290 Thank you. 573 00:35:07,650 --> 00:35:10,410 Come on, you (BLEEP BLEEP). 574 00:35:11,730 --> 00:35:13,890 'With Brian busy enjoying himself, 575 00:35:13,890 --> 00:35:16,690 'I had plenty of time to quiz Tywin Lannister 576 00:35:16,690 --> 00:35:19,090 'about my favourite programme.' 577 00:35:19,090 --> 00:35:21,090 I assumed that you'd be with 578 00:35:21,090 --> 00:35:24,090 Tyrion Lannister and Lena Headey. 579 00:35:24,090 --> 00:35:26,250 Who else? Oh, Sansa. 580 00:35:26,250 --> 00:35:28,970 You have literally no idea what we're talking about, do you? 581 00:35:28,970 --> 00:35:30,650 Have you not watched it, Richard? 582 00:35:30,650 --> 00:35:32,090 - Yes! - You have? - No. 583 00:35:32,090 --> 00:35:36,170 'Before Richard could make any more conversational errors, 584 00:35:36,170 --> 00:35:38,690 'Brian came back to see how he'd got on.' 585 00:35:38,690 --> 00:35:41,450 When you were last here in the Chevrolet Lacetti, 586 00:35:41,450 --> 00:35:43,970 you did a 145.9. 587 00:35:43,970 --> 00:35:45,250 Right. 588 00:35:45,250 --> 00:35:47,330 In the Vauxhall Astra Tech Line... 589 00:35:47,330 --> 00:35:48,970 With lifetime warranty. 590 00:35:48,970 --> 00:35:53,370 ..145.1. 591 00:35:53,370 --> 00:35:54,850 Brilliant. 592 00:35:54,850 --> 00:35:58,130 You're faster than you were before. 593 00:36:00,650 --> 00:36:02,210 There. Yeah. 594 00:36:02,210 --> 00:36:04,570 Brian Johnson... 595 00:36:04,570 --> 00:36:07,450 He doesn't know what to say. 596 00:36:07,450 --> 00:36:09,850 'With a target to aim for, 597 00:36:09,850 --> 00:36:11,890 'the hand of the king set off.' 598 00:36:11,890 --> 00:36:14,010 OK. Come on, Charlie. 599 00:36:14,010 --> 00:36:16,650 'And whilst he was on the track, 600 00:36:16,650 --> 00:36:18,450 'one of Hammond's guests arrived. 601 00:36:18,450 --> 00:36:20,690 'Actor Warwick Davis.' 602 00:36:20,690 --> 00:36:23,810 - Hello. - Hi, Jeremy. - How are you? - Good, thank you. How are you? 603 00:36:23,810 --> 00:36:25,770 Very well. 604 00:36:25,770 --> 00:36:27,330 Pedals. 605 00:36:27,330 --> 00:36:30,170 It's my extension pedals. For the car. 606 00:36:30,170 --> 00:36:34,090 They go on the car. You don't have something like this? No, but I like the look of them. 607 00:36:34,090 --> 00:36:35,330 You have only got two. 608 00:36:35,330 --> 00:36:38,770 That's all you need, isn't it? Brake and accelerator. 609 00:36:38,770 --> 00:36:40,570 For an automatic, yeah. It's manual. 610 00:36:43,570 --> 00:36:46,530 Erm, we'll improvise. 611 00:36:50,010 --> 00:36:51,970 Nearly nobbled a cameraman. 612 00:36:53,330 --> 00:36:55,050 'Once Tywin had finished, 613 00:36:55,050 --> 00:36:58,370 'and we had his time on the lap board...' 614 00:36:58,370 --> 00:37:00,810 - 140... - Oh, heavens above! - ..Eight... 615 00:37:00,810 --> 00:37:04,250 - Oh! - Point eight. 616 00:37:04,250 --> 00:37:07,970 'Hammond and Warwick set off to make an extended clutch pedal.' 617 00:37:07,970 --> 00:37:09,690 I was going to do that. 618 00:37:09,690 --> 00:37:12,850 He's brought two pedals down. 619 00:37:12,850 --> 00:37:17,410 - But it's a manual. - Oh, problem! 620 00:37:17,410 --> 00:37:19,170 - Yeah. - Problem. 621 00:37:19,170 --> 00:37:23,530 I need to set a good lap time and how can I if this sort of disintegrates. "Is that his excuse? 622 00:37:23,530 --> 00:37:26,930 "It wasn't a very good time because his clutch pedal..." 623 00:37:26,930 --> 00:37:29,370 I'm not trying to give you excuses, I'm trying to give you 624 00:37:29,370 --> 00:37:30,970 a chance. 625 00:37:30,970 --> 00:37:34,370 Let me sit in there and push that. Let me push the Pringles. 626 00:37:35,370 --> 00:37:39,170 - OK. - Obviously, we need some sort of... - Oh, hell. 627 00:37:42,130 --> 00:37:44,010 I'm pretty low down here. 628 00:37:44,010 --> 00:37:47,650 Let's see, for argument's sake, if this is strong enough. 629 00:37:49,490 --> 00:37:51,330 - It is strong enough. - Yeah. 630 00:37:51,330 --> 00:37:54,730 But I'm having to sort of steady it with my foot. 631 00:37:54,730 --> 00:37:56,810 You are doing very well. 632 00:37:56,810 --> 00:38:00,090 'Eventually, after much experimenting...' 633 00:38:00,090 --> 00:38:03,810 - More bread, yeah? - That goes behind you. 634 00:38:03,810 --> 00:38:05,850 I'm still too low. 635 00:38:06,970 --> 00:38:08,970 'Warwick set off on his timed laps.' 636 00:38:09,970 --> 00:38:11,490 - I can't get in gear. - BLEEP! 637 00:38:13,130 --> 00:38:16,090 'Unfortunately, I couldn't be there to support him 638 00:38:16,090 --> 00:38:18,250 'because I'd been distracted.' 639 00:38:18,250 --> 00:38:21,090 - This is Richard. - Hello, Richard. - He fancies you. 640 00:38:21,090 --> 00:38:22,570 Nice to meet you! 641 00:38:22,570 --> 00:38:25,170 - I have a badge for you here. What's that? - That's your badge. 642 00:38:25,170 --> 00:38:27,810 Oh, good, just in case. Put that on. 643 00:38:27,810 --> 00:38:31,610 - Right, good. - I'll leave the two of you alone. - OK. - Just to get to know each other. 644 00:38:31,610 --> 00:38:34,010 I can entertain you with my small talk. OK. 645 00:38:34,010 --> 00:38:36,010 His small talk's not very good. 646 00:38:36,010 --> 00:38:40,450 - 'Completely oblivious to Warwick's peril...' - Oh, God! 647 00:38:40,450 --> 00:38:42,970 Oh, bloody hell! Oh! 648 00:38:42,970 --> 00:38:45,210 CAR SKIDS 649 00:38:45,210 --> 00:38:51,490 'Mr Smalltalk had completely forgotten not go on about himself.' 650 00:38:51,490 --> 00:38:55,450 The important thing is not to panic, cos everyone thinks helicopters 651 00:38:55,450 --> 00:38:58,730 will just fall out the sky if the engine fails. They won't. Right. 652 00:38:58,730 --> 00:39:01,490 I've had to land a couple of times for things. 653 00:39:01,490 --> 00:39:03,610 Without engines? Yup. 654 00:39:03,610 --> 00:39:05,250 Lot of skill involved. 655 00:39:07,090 --> 00:39:11,170 You have to be good. There's only so many people have helicopter licences. 656 00:39:14,890 --> 00:39:16,410 Oh, God! AH! 657 00:39:16,410 --> 00:39:19,410 Hell, bloody hell! Ooh! 658 00:39:19,410 --> 00:39:22,530 'As Warwick went off yet again, Jimmy Carr arrived.' 659 00:39:22,530 --> 00:39:24,570 You all right? Very well, how are you? 660 00:39:24,570 --> 00:39:25,770 Very nice to see you. 661 00:39:25,770 --> 00:39:28,970 It has your name on it. Lovely. That, my friend, is teeth whitening. 662 00:39:28,970 --> 00:39:32,450 - I don't know what you've had done. - Oh! - That's how that's done. 663 00:39:34,650 --> 00:39:37,890 Hot on Jimmy's heels was world heavyweight champion David Haye, 664 00:39:37,890 --> 00:39:40,290 who made a beeline for the boxing machine. 665 00:39:42,290 --> 00:39:43,330 Ooh! 666 00:39:43,330 --> 00:39:45,370 Oh, no! 667 00:39:47,570 --> 00:39:48,770 What does it say? 668 00:39:48,770 --> 00:39:51,650 A new record, ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much. Well done! 669 00:39:51,650 --> 00:39:54,410 'With Richard sulking at the attention David was 670 00:39:54,410 --> 00:39:57,250 'getting from Joss, I had a go.' 671 00:39:57,250 --> 00:39:59,010 Oh! 672 00:39:59,010 --> 00:40:03,410 You styled out, you looked totally cool. 673 00:40:05,010 --> 00:40:06,050 Yes! 674 00:40:06,050 --> 00:40:10,730 'Having finally mastered Hammond's terrible DIY, Warwick had 675 00:40:10,730 --> 00:40:13,090 'managed to bang in a lap time.' 676 00:40:13,090 --> 00:40:16,210 You did it in 140... 677 00:40:17,330 --> 00:40:18,730 Six! 678 00:40:18,730 --> 00:40:20,650 Oh! 679 00:40:20,650 --> 00:40:23,690 - Slap bang in the middle. - Pleased with that? 680 00:40:23,690 --> 00:40:26,410 You are faster than the hand of the king. 681 00:40:31,970 --> 00:40:34,810 SHE SINGS 682 00:40:34,810 --> 00:40:38,570 'Whilst Joss was out on the track, a girl Jeremy has a soft spot for 683 00:40:38,570 --> 00:40:40,210 'arrived.' 684 00:40:40,210 --> 00:40:41,810 Rachel Riley off Countdown. 685 00:40:41,810 --> 00:40:43,570 Wasn't expecting that. Hello! 686 00:40:43,570 --> 00:40:45,850 - Hello! - I'm Jeremy. - I'm Rachel. 687 00:40:45,850 --> 00:40:48,250 - Good to meet you, how are you? - Good, thank you. 688 00:40:48,250 --> 00:40:50,330 - Can I get you anything? - Hi, Rachel, I'm Richard. 689 00:40:50,330 --> 00:40:52,730 Richard Hammond is extremely busy at the moment. 690 00:40:52,730 --> 00:40:54,130 I'm going over here. 691 00:40:54,130 --> 00:40:58,690 'When Rachel saw the barbecue, she claimed she was a vegetarian. 692 00:40:58,690 --> 00:41:01,450 'So I decided to make her some fish.' 693 00:41:01,450 --> 00:41:03,330 I just need to come in here. 694 00:41:03,330 --> 00:41:04,690 You really are squeezing in. 695 00:41:04,690 --> 00:41:07,730 - I know, I just need to come in. Do you like sushi? - I love sushi. 696 00:41:07,730 --> 00:41:10,130 Excellent, I'll just... 697 00:41:10,130 --> 00:41:12,490 - Shall I...? - Brilliant. 698 00:41:12,490 --> 00:41:14,770 - Are you a trained sushi chef? - Yeah. 699 00:41:14,770 --> 00:41:17,210 I've got soy sauce all over me. 700 00:41:17,210 --> 00:41:18,570 Yeah, you have. 701 00:41:18,570 --> 00:41:20,170 Sorry, Richard. 702 00:41:20,170 --> 00:41:22,650 'Making the sushi required a lot of care.' 703 00:41:23,770 --> 00:41:25,050 There we go. 704 00:41:25,050 --> 00:41:27,530 'But the results were worth it.' 705 00:41:29,570 --> 00:41:31,170 Yes. 706 00:41:33,010 --> 00:41:35,050 It's like a bush tucker trial, this. 707 00:41:36,930 --> 00:41:40,210 Do not brake on this corner! OK... Argh! 708 00:41:40,210 --> 00:41:44,530 'With her laps completed, Hammond insisted that he should put Joss's 709 00:41:44,530 --> 00:41:45,970 'time on the board.' 710 00:41:45,970 --> 00:41:47,770 Ten years, we've done this show. 711 00:41:47,770 --> 00:41:50,170 - Yup. - How many times have you done that? - Loads. 712 00:41:50,170 --> 00:41:53,130 - Never. - I often do this bit of the show. 713 00:41:53,130 --> 00:41:54,570 Go on, then. 714 00:41:54,570 --> 00:41:58,330 Joss, I have your time written down over here. 715 00:41:58,330 --> 00:42:00,490 For his sake, I hope it's not the fastest time 716 00:42:00,490 --> 00:42:02,490 cos he ain't getting it up there, is he? 717 00:42:02,490 --> 00:42:04,250 Oh, from you(!) 718 00:42:04,250 --> 00:42:06,450 THEY LAUGH 719 00:42:06,450 --> 00:42:08,450 I love it! 720 00:42:08,450 --> 00:42:09,890 Nice(!) 721 00:42:09,890 --> 00:42:11,210 Even from Warwick. 722 00:42:11,210 --> 00:42:14,010 You want to beat the man from that thing. 723 00:42:14,010 --> 00:42:17,170 - The hand of the king. - That's the fella. 724 00:42:17,170 --> 00:42:19,690 - Right. - How fast did she do it? 725 00:42:19,690 --> 00:42:20,970 I'm getting to it! 726 00:42:20,970 --> 00:42:23,130 How fast did Joss do it? 727 00:42:23,130 --> 00:42:26,010 HE did it in 1.48 - it says on the bloody board! 728 00:42:26,010 --> 00:42:28,290 1.48.8 729 00:42:28,290 --> 00:42:30,170 You did it in... 730 00:42:30,170 --> 00:42:33,210 ..1.48... 731 00:42:33,210 --> 00:42:34,370 Oh! 732 00:42:34,370 --> 00:42:35,490 ..Point... 733 00:42:35,490 --> 00:42:36,770 Oh, God! 734 00:42:36,770 --> 00:42:39,490 Don't say "nine". 735 00:42:39,490 --> 00:42:40,770 Nine! 736 00:42:40,770 --> 00:42:42,930 Oh, no! 737 00:42:42,930 --> 00:42:44,130 Oh, shit! 738 00:42:44,130 --> 00:42:45,970 Get out of that one, Hammond. 739 00:42:45,970 --> 00:42:47,850 Oh, no, that's so sad! 740 00:42:47,850 --> 00:42:50,850 No, Joss, that was... Oh. 741 00:42:52,330 --> 00:42:53,770 Come on, my son! 742 00:42:53,770 --> 00:42:57,610 'As David Haye set about pummelling the Astra Tech Line...' 743 00:42:57,610 --> 00:42:59,690 SKIDDING SOUNDS 744 00:42:59,690 --> 00:43:02,650 '..Hammond's day got even worse.' 745 00:43:02,650 --> 00:43:04,490 Look who it is. 746 00:43:04,490 --> 00:43:06,130 Who's that? 747 00:43:06,130 --> 00:43:09,290 Mike Rutherford, out of Genesis. 748 00:43:09,290 --> 00:43:11,090 Hammond. Hammond? 749 00:43:11,090 --> 00:43:12,970 Hammond?! 750 00:43:12,970 --> 00:43:14,530 Hammond?! Mike! 751 00:43:14,530 --> 00:43:16,970 - How are you? - Very well. How are you? - I'm very good. 752 00:43:16,970 --> 00:43:19,010 - It's good to see you. - Where's the team? 753 00:43:19,010 --> 00:43:21,090 - Where's Richard? - Richard? 754 00:43:21,090 --> 00:43:24,370 Yeah. That's odd. He was here a minute ago. 755 00:43:24,370 --> 00:43:26,890 'Because I have occasionally said 756 00:43:26,890 --> 00:43:29,570 'some unkind things about Genesis on Top Gear, 757 00:43:29,570 --> 00:43:32,810 'I decided to look for something on the floor 758 00:43:32,810 --> 00:43:35,130 'and let Jeremy handle the chat stuff.' 759 00:43:35,130 --> 00:43:38,130 - Are you recording at the moment? - I'm doing some Mike & The Mechanics. 760 00:43:38,130 --> 00:43:39,610 Oh, brilliant! 761 00:43:39,610 --> 00:43:41,450 'Jeremy's chat was then interrupted 762 00:43:41,450 --> 00:43:44,050 'because Dainty David had finished.' 763 00:43:46,610 --> 00:43:49,050 You did 146.8. David Haye, 764 00:43:49,050 --> 00:43:50,410 you did 146.7. 765 00:43:50,410 --> 00:43:52,650 ALL: Oh! 766 00:43:52,650 --> 00:43:54,290 Put it there. 767 00:43:54,290 --> 00:43:57,090 A tenth of a second faster. 768 00:43:57,090 --> 00:44:00,290 'With Mike Rutherford out in the car...' 769 00:44:00,290 --> 00:44:02,210 Avoid the cameraman over there. 770 00:44:02,210 --> 00:44:03,650 I'm doing it. 771 00:44:03,650 --> 00:44:05,690 '..Hammond suddenly re-emerged.' 772 00:44:07,490 --> 00:44:08,930 Where have you been?! 773 00:44:08,930 --> 00:44:10,330 I had something to do. 774 00:44:10,330 --> 00:44:13,090 If you're just hiding from him, he's one of the nicest people... 775 00:44:13,090 --> 00:44:15,690 - Is he not one of the nicest men...? - He is really sweet. 776 00:44:15,690 --> 00:44:17,970 He's one of the top-three guys in Genesis. 777 00:44:17,970 --> 00:44:19,970 I want to know if Mike can do a lap faster... 778 00:44:19,970 --> 00:44:23,090 - Than one of his tracks. - No! 779 00:44:23,090 --> 00:44:25,650 - No! - Sorry. 780 00:44:25,650 --> 00:44:28,930 'As it turned out, Hammond wasn't far off.' 781 00:44:33,130 --> 00:44:36,490 151... 782 00:44:38,050 --> 00:44:40,050 - Point... - Not that you have to... 783 00:44:40,050 --> 00:44:44,130 - Joss, that's not very ladylike. - Chuffed! Thank you. - Five. 784 00:44:49,530 --> 00:44:51,970 'As Jimmy Carr set about his laps...' 785 00:44:51,970 --> 00:44:53,770 Let's hope this is good. 786 00:44:57,530 --> 00:44:59,650 '..Rachel decided to play the piano.' 787 00:44:59,650 --> 00:45:01,890 SHE PLAYS KEYBOARD 788 00:45:01,890 --> 00:45:04,090 It was nice... 789 00:45:04,090 --> 00:45:05,530 ..till Jeremy joined in. 790 00:45:05,530 --> 00:45:09,850 KEYBOARD AND DRUM MACHINE PLAY 791 00:45:19,450 --> 00:45:22,530 If I can keep it on the road that will help. 792 00:45:22,530 --> 00:45:24,690 'Because it had been several years 793 00:45:24,690 --> 00:45:27,730 'since Jimmy had driven a Reasonably Priced Car, 794 00:45:27,730 --> 00:45:30,130 'we thought he might have mellowed.' 795 00:45:30,130 --> 00:45:32,450 SKIDDING NOISES 796 00:45:35,730 --> 00:45:36,930 BACKFIRING NOISES 797 00:45:43,810 --> 00:45:47,410 I think I might have broken the car. 798 00:45:47,410 --> 00:45:49,770 I'd like to present you, Jimmy Carr... 799 00:45:49,770 --> 00:45:50,810 Grass on the front. 800 00:45:50,810 --> 00:45:52,930 - ..with these... - Thank you very much. 801 00:45:52,930 --> 00:45:55,130 You know the middle pedal? 802 00:45:55,130 --> 00:45:57,410 - There's the clutch and the accelerator. - Yes. 803 00:45:57,410 --> 00:45:58,930 There's one in-between them. 804 00:45:58,930 --> 00:46:00,130 I know, the footrest. 805 00:46:00,130 --> 00:46:02,130 One day, we've had that, Jimmy! 806 00:46:02,130 --> 00:46:03,530 Do we have a jack? 807 00:46:03,530 --> 00:46:05,650 Warwick, you can lift things, right? 808 00:46:05,650 --> 00:46:07,970 I don't know what super powers you people have, 809 00:46:07,970 --> 00:46:09,490 but can you lift it? 810 00:46:09,490 --> 00:46:11,210 THEY LAUGH 811 00:46:11,210 --> 00:46:13,730 You just referred to me as a "jack". 812 00:46:13,730 --> 00:46:16,050 'Before Jimmy got us taken off air, 813 00:46:16,050 --> 00:46:18,050 'we rushed him over to the lap board.' 814 00:46:18,050 --> 00:46:20,450 Where do you think you've come? 815 00:46:22,490 --> 00:46:24,410 I imagine I've beaten him. 816 00:46:24,410 --> 00:46:26,450 I know he does a lot of racing in his spare time. 817 00:46:26,450 --> 00:46:29,130 It's his hobby, but I think natural ability...tough to beat. 818 00:46:29,130 --> 00:46:31,730 145.1 to beat. 819 00:46:31,730 --> 00:46:34,570 You did... 820 00:46:34,570 --> 00:46:37,410 145.6. 821 00:46:37,410 --> 00:46:40,530 That's very well done. 822 00:46:40,530 --> 00:46:42,170 It's cost a car! 823 00:46:43,450 --> 00:46:47,930 'With the car eventually mended, our final guest set off.' 824 00:46:49,130 --> 00:46:51,330 Come on, Reasonably Priced Car! 825 00:46:51,330 --> 00:46:55,130 'And Hammond took one last shot at impressing Joss.' 826 00:46:55,130 --> 00:46:56,690 Ready? Yeah. 827 00:46:56,690 --> 00:46:58,610 That's OK, it's fine. 828 00:46:58,610 --> 00:47:00,770 I can do it faster. 829 00:47:00,770 --> 00:47:04,090 I can do this... Oh! This is brilliant. 830 00:47:04,090 --> 00:47:06,650 I just wanted to check that was OK. 831 00:47:06,650 --> 00:47:10,210 You didn't last very long. I did this on a real sheep once. 832 00:47:12,050 --> 00:47:14,690 'At this point, Joss decided to leave. 833 00:47:15,730 --> 00:47:18,890 'Which meant Richard saw no point in staying, either. 834 00:47:20,610 --> 00:47:23,210 'That left me all alone with Rachel.' 835 00:47:23,210 --> 00:47:25,170 Ah! 836 00:47:25,170 --> 00:47:29,010 TYRES SCREECH 837 00:47:31,850 --> 00:47:33,370 Didn't break the car! 838 00:47:33,370 --> 00:47:37,050 So where do you think you've come? 839 00:47:37,050 --> 00:47:40,770 Definitely in this section. Definitely in this section. 840 00:47:40,770 --> 00:47:42,490 You did it, actually, 841 00:47:42,490 --> 00:47:47,490 in 1.48.5, 842 00:47:47,490 --> 00:47:48,970 so actually, there you are, 843 00:47:48,970 --> 00:47:52,050 - faster than the Hand of the King. - Fastest woman! 844 00:47:52,050 --> 00:47:56,210 Whoo! I need something to calm down, some kind of sedative. 845 00:47:57,250 --> 00:48:01,050 'With our work done, we left the track in my helicopter.' 846 00:48:01,050 --> 00:48:03,810 - To the pub? - Pub? - Oh, yeah. 847 00:48:11,890 --> 00:48:14,090 APPLAUSE 848 00:48:14,090 --> 00:48:16,730 And there it is, the reasonably priced car, 849 00:48:16,730 --> 00:48:19,050 launched and ready for action! 850 00:48:21,330 --> 00:48:24,290 Anyway, tonight we are having a race, 851 00:48:24,290 --> 00:48:27,570 up the side of New Zealand from here to here. 852 00:48:27,570 --> 00:48:30,930 Yep, it's James in a £700,000 boat versus me 853 00:48:30,930 --> 00:48:36,330 in the fastest car in the world, a £65-a-day rented hatchback. 854 00:48:36,330 --> 00:48:39,090 When we left the action, I was here, 855 00:48:39,090 --> 00:48:40,770 and Jeremy was here. 856 00:48:40,770 --> 00:48:43,090 So I was winning. 857 00:48:43,090 --> 00:48:45,650 But I was very miserable. 858 00:49:01,450 --> 00:49:03,050 All power, hire car! 859 00:49:07,050 --> 00:49:08,890 Splash the caravan. 860 00:49:12,970 --> 00:49:17,250 'Onboard HMS Misery, life wasn't getting any better.' 861 00:49:18,330 --> 00:49:21,810 This is what I get to eat on the boat. A melted bar of chocolate... 862 00:49:25,090 --> 00:49:27,970 - ..and a bag of - BLEEP - nuts, and you'll have to bleep that word. 863 00:49:29,530 --> 00:49:34,970 'Life in the car, now I was on tarmac roads, was much more comfortable.' 864 00:49:34,970 --> 00:49:36,370 Radio... 865 00:49:36,370 --> 00:49:40,570 MUSIC: "Always Take the Weather With You" by Crowded House 866 00:49:40,570 --> 00:49:43,290 Crowded House. Nice. Local band. 867 00:49:44,890 --> 00:49:48,490 Now, let's just try another radio station. 868 00:49:48,490 --> 00:49:52,770 MUSIC: "Always Take the Weather With You" by Crowded House 869 00:49:54,650 --> 00:49:56,170 Radio Three. 870 00:49:56,170 --> 00:50:00,610 MUSIC: "Always Take the Weather With You" by Crowded House 871 00:50:04,490 --> 00:50:06,570 'After 60 miles of Crowded House, 872 00:50:06,570 --> 00:50:09,570 'I was finally heading in the right direction. 873 00:50:09,570 --> 00:50:12,890 'But I was approaching the often crowded city of Auckland.' 874 00:50:15,450 --> 00:50:20,090 According to the tracking device, James is now 100 miles ahead of me. 875 00:50:21,890 --> 00:50:24,770 Dear God, let Auckland be clear. 876 00:50:30,130 --> 00:50:32,090 'Mercifully, it was.' 877 00:50:33,930 --> 00:50:37,810 I'm doing 120 kilometres an hour on a very smooth road. 878 00:50:39,890 --> 00:50:41,690 Coming to get you, James. 879 00:50:46,250 --> 00:50:49,530 'Out at sea, conditions were getting even worse.' 880 00:50:52,130 --> 00:50:54,530 Hold on, big fella! All right? 881 00:50:56,690 --> 00:50:58,730 'With the rough seas slowing us down, 882 00:50:58,730 --> 00:51:02,210 'I decided to use my sat phone to see where Jeremy was.' 883 00:51:02,210 --> 00:51:05,490 RINGING TONE 884 00:51:06,730 --> 00:51:09,850 - Oh! That's the end of that! - What's wrong? 885 00:51:09,850 --> 00:51:14,250 That tore it clean out of my hand. I just couldn't keep hold of it. 886 00:51:14,250 --> 00:51:15,610 BLEEP! 887 00:51:18,610 --> 00:51:24,730 Please! I'm on a mission from God! 888 00:51:24,730 --> 00:51:27,490 Go, go, go! 889 00:51:29,370 --> 00:51:31,730 Right, last chance with the radio. 890 00:51:31,730 --> 00:51:33,690 'Auckland on 90.2.' 891 00:51:33,690 --> 00:51:37,970 MUSIC: "Always Take the Weather With You" by Crowded House 892 00:51:42,130 --> 00:51:46,130 'Despite the conditions, the sailors were pushing the boat to the ragged edge.' 893 00:51:49,010 --> 00:51:51,250 BLEEP! 894 00:51:51,250 --> 00:51:54,970 Oh, that's a biggie. Whoa! 895 00:52:00,890 --> 00:52:04,210 Matty, you know this is bloody madness, mate. 896 00:52:04,210 --> 00:52:06,690 It's not too good at the moment. 897 00:52:08,490 --> 00:52:11,970 We've never sailed these things in these conditions before. 898 00:52:11,970 --> 00:52:13,810 Now you tell me. 899 00:52:13,810 --> 00:52:17,690 29 degrees, if we do go in, you have to hang on, 900 00:52:17,690 --> 00:52:20,370 because you're going to be breaking bones. 901 00:52:20,370 --> 00:52:23,490 So really, James, the best thing for you to do, mate, is hang on. 902 00:52:23,490 --> 00:52:24,730 Thank you. 903 00:52:26,570 --> 00:52:28,050 'In the little blue hatchback, 904 00:52:28,050 --> 00:52:31,570 'the news from the GPS tracking device was encouraging.' 905 00:52:33,930 --> 00:52:41,290 James May is now only 67 miles ahead. I'm catching him. 906 00:52:42,770 --> 00:52:46,570 But am I catching him fast enough? That's the big question. 907 00:52:48,010 --> 00:52:50,850 'I decided to take a shortcut, 908 00:52:50,850 --> 00:52:52,970 'even though it would mean leaving the tarmac 909 00:52:52,970 --> 00:52:55,650 'and using gravel roads instead.' 910 00:53:00,850 --> 00:53:03,290 This is going to save me 20 miles. 911 00:53:08,090 --> 00:53:09,370 Yeah! 912 00:53:11,570 --> 00:53:16,010 'My plan was working well, but then the gravel ran out.' 913 00:53:16,010 --> 00:53:19,370 There's no track! Oh! 914 00:53:24,050 --> 00:53:25,570 BLEEP! 915 00:53:28,530 --> 00:53:32,210 I wouldn't do this in my Mercedes, put it like that. 916 00:53:34,450 --> 00:53:38,770 Oh, dear! I've run into the white cliffs of Dover, literally. 917 00:53:39,930 --> 00:53:42,290 'Still, could be worse.' 918 00:53:51,210 --> 00:53:54,530 - Sir Ben Ainslie, sir? - Yes. 919 00:53:54,530 --> 00:53:56,370 Please don't take this personally, 920 00:53:56,370 --> 00:53:58,770 but this is bloody purgatory! 921 00:53:58,770 --> 00:54:00,850 Can you imagine... Ow! 922 00:54:04,410 --> 00:54:06,610 'Meanwhile, I'd found a track.' 923 00:54:08,090 --> 00:54:11,970 This must take me back to the road. 924 00:54:13,530 --> 00:54:14,970 Oh, my God! Tractor! 925 00:54:16,410 --> 00:54:18,410 Ugh! 926 00:54:22,810 --> 00:54:25,130 - Sir Ben Ainslie, sir? - Yes! 927 00:54:25,130 --> 00:54:27,970 What happens if you need a slash on this boat? 928 00:54:27,970 --> 00:54:33,290 - I think there's a bucket somewhere. - Right. I might just piss myself. 929 00:54:36,450 --> 00:54:38,090 What is the point of sailing? 930 00:54:39,650 --> 00:54:42,650 'The track had indeed taken me back to the road, 931 00:54:42,650 --> 00:54:44,610 'but the accident with the tractor meant 932 00:54:44,610 --> 00:54:48,210 'I was no longer driving the fastest car in the world.' 933 00:54:48,210 --> 00:54:50,890 CAR RATTLES 934 00:54:54,850 --> 00:54:56,970 The noise is not good. 935 00:54:58,210 --> 00:54:59,450 It's not going to make it. 936 00:54:59,450 --> 00:55:02,010 It just is not going to make it. 937 00:55:02,010 --> 00:55:05,450 'So there was only one thing for it.' 938 00:55:07,130 --> 00:55:11,490 - Hi. - Good afternoon. - I've got a small problem with my car. 939 00:55:11,490 --> 00:55:13,490 There was a maniacal tractor driver 940 00:55:13,490 --> 00:55:16,250 who was doing 70 kilometres an hour, I swerved... 941 00:55:17,410 --> 00:55:21,170 'In a jiffy, the helpful hire car lady had me back in the race.' 942 00:55:23,210 --> 00:55:25,330 Now, in one important respect, 943 00:55:25,330 --> 00:55:29,130 this car is not the same as the one I started out with. 944 00:55:32,250 --> 00:55:33,690 But at the finish line, 945 00:55:33,690 --> 00:55:37,770 I suspect James will be so exhausted he won't notice... 946 00:55:39,250 --> 00:55:43,290 ..that I set off with a blue car and ended up with a red one. 947 00:55:44,970 --> 00:55:49,690 'And anyway, right now, I had bigger issues, because I was 100 miles 948 00:55:49,690 --> 00:55:54,010 'from the finish line and James was only 50 miles away. 949 00:55:54,010 --> 00:55:57,490 'To win, then, I'd have to go twice as fast. 950 00:56:00,530 --> 00:56:04,010 Nice, guv! Lovely work. 951 00:56:05,610 --> 00:56:08,650 Stay vigilant, though, boys! Stay on it! 952 00:56:08,650 --> 00:56:12,250 - Jeremy, where is he? - No idea. No comms. 953 00:56:14,610 --> 00:56:18,890 Come on! We've got the fastest car in the world, now use it. 954 00:56:25,850 --> 00:56:27,850 23 knots. 955 00:56:27,850 --> 00:56:31,930 OK! Three, two, one! Diving! 956 00:56:35,250 --> 00:56:39,770 Come on, James, give us a hand! It's not a bloody love boat. 957 00:56:44,770 --> 00:56:46,810 Come on, Jeremy, concentrate, concentrate. 958 00:56:48,170 --> 00:56:51,170 Make every corner as crisp as you can. Come on! 959 00:57:00,010 --> 00:57:01,650 Just ticked over nine hours. 960 00:57:03,690 --> 00:57:05,490 I'm so sick of this. 961 00:57:07,570 --> 00:57:10,250 'What I really needed was a road with no corners. 962 00:57:12,930 --> 00:57:15,490 'And thanks to this wonderful country, 963 00:57:15,490 --> 00:57:17,530 'that's exactly what I found.' 964 00:57:20,930 --> 00:57:22,930 Yeeha! 965 00:57:26,050 --> 00:57:32,610 This is called Ninety Mile Beach, because it is exactly 55 miles long. 966 00:57:32,610 --> 00:57:35,290 I don't understand that, either. 967 00:57:37,170 --> 00:57:39,530 What I do know and I do understand, 968 00:57:39,530 --> 00:57:42,570 is that it is genuinely a public highway. 969 00:57:42,570 --> 00:57:44,010 It's a road. 970 00:57:48,090 --> 00:57:54,130 No traffic, no corners, James May, you have had it. 971 00:58:06,650 --> 00:58:11,050 'In the boat, we were about to go round the very top of New Zealand.' 972 00:58:15,570 --> 00:58:17,170 That is the cape there. 973 00:58:17,170 --> 00:58:20,050 Once we've rounded that, we think we'll have wind 974 00:58:20,050 --> 00:58:22,770 and a bit of tide with us, the water will be flat, 975 00:58:22,770 --> 00:58:25,290 then we've got about ten miles of pleasant sailing, 976 00:58:25,290 --> 00:58:28,090 like in Howards' Way. 977 00:58:29,850 --> 00:58:31,690 It can't come soon enough. 978 00:58:33,890 --> 00:58:35,250 Gah! 979 00:58:35,250 --> 00:58:36,810 Jesus. 980 00:58:42,250 --> 00:58:43,330 Bit wobbly there. 981 00:58:46,770 --> 00:58:50,210 Boys, just stay vigilant for this last six or seven miles. 982 00:58:50,210 --> 00:58:51,650 Not far to go. 983 00:58:58,890 --> 00:59:01,970 'I was now off Ninety Mile Beach.' 984 00:59:03,370 --> 00:59:05,690 Back on gravel. I wasn't expecting that. 985 00:59:11,330 --> 00:59:14,970 Come on, small red hatchback, whatever you are. 986 00:59:16,850 --> 00:59:23,330 I'm doing this now to uphold the honour of coal, gas and oil, 987 00:59:23,330 --> 00:59:25,570 the cornerstones of civilisation. 988 00:59:30,050 --> 00:59:31,730 - Is that our beach there? - Yeah. 989 00:59:32,850 --> 00:59:36,690 'The finish line was a chequered flag at the water's edge, 990 00:59:36,690 --> 00:59:39,250 'but to make my day even more miserable, 991 00:59:39,250 --> 00:59:43,130 'Sir Ben announced that the boat couldn't actually get there.' 992 00:59:43,130 --> 00:59:47,570 - You're going to have to jump off and swim ashore. - What? You're joking! 993 00:59:51,050 --> 00:59:53,810 There's now only five miles to go. 994 00:59:57,250 --> 00:59:58,290 OK, James. 995 01:00:01,570 --> 01:00:04,570 Don't lose it now. Do not lose it now! 996 01:00:06,130 --> 01:00:08,610 Go for it, James! Swim! 997 01:00:17,170 --> 01:00:18,250 Come on! 998 01:00:29,570 --> 01:00:31,610 CAR CLATTERS AND REVS 999 01:00:31,610 --> 01:00:33,650 No! No! 1000 01:00:35,530 --> 01:00:37,130 Come on! Please! 1001 01:00:44,090 --> 01:00:47,690 Have I won? Have I won? Have I won? 1002 01:00:47,690 --> 01:00:51,850 Man in heaven! Oh, God! 1003 01:00:51,850 --> 01:00:54,890 THEY CHEER 1004 01:00:56,810 --> 01:00:59,010 Holy cow, have you seen your face? 1005 01:01:00,170 --> 01:01:04,210 I was just about to conclude and say, we must now close down 1006 01:01:04,210 --> 01:01:07,410 all coal and gas-powered power stations 1007 01:01:07,410 --> 01:01:09,290 and switch immediately to wind power, 1008 01:01:09,290 --> 01:01:13,010 because obviously it's better. But look what it does to you! 1009 01:01:13,010 --> 01:01:17,530 It's brought me out in boils and sores and blindness. 1010 01:01:17,530 --> 01:01:20,690 Did you have to use any of your insurance waiver forms? 1011 01:01:20,690 --> 01:01:23,930 No, none at all. The car got here without a single scratch. 1012 01:01:27,170 --> 01:01:31,690 - It was blue when you set off. - It wasn't. - Wasn't it? It was blue! 1013 01:01:31,690 --> 01:01:34,250 - I would have sworn it was blue. - It was red... 1014 01:01:34,250 --> 01:01:36,690 APPLAUSE 1015 01:01:36,690 --> 01:01:39,330 Well done, James May. 1016 01:01:41,130 --> 01:01:47,530 - Can I just say, that boat, the boat... - Oh, God, he's moaning again! 1017 01:01:47,530 --> 01:01:52,690 But listen, it's £700,000, OK? You don't get a cabin. 1018 01:01:52,690 --> 01:01:57,450 You don't even get a chair or a table or a radio or even a floor. 1019 01:01:57,450 --> 01:02:02,490 - Yes, but James, you won. - I didn't win, Hammond, the crew won. 1020 01:02:02,490 --> 01:02:05,570 All I did was not fall off for 12 hours. 1021 01:02:05,570 --> 01:02:09,090 Well, anyway, the conclusion is that wind power is obviously great, 1022 01:02:09,090 --> 01:02:12,810 but it does give you a face like a prostitute's front door. 1023 01:02:12,810 --> 01:02:15,250 LAUGHTER 1024 01:02:15,250 --> 01:02:17,690 And on that bombshell, it is time to end. 1025 01:02:17,690 --> 01:02:20,810 Thank you so much for watching. See you next week. Good night. 1026 01:02:20,810 --> 01:02:24,850 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 1027 01:02:43,370 --> 01:02:47,250 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd