1 00:00:06,935 --> 00:00:09,271 PIPER: I've always loved getting clean. 2 00:00:10,563 --> 00:00:12,149 I love baths. 3 00:00:13,400 --> 00:00:15,361 I love showers. 4 00:00:22,034 --> 00:00:23,869 It's my happy place. 5 00:00:28,790 --> 00:00:29,958 (DOOR BUZZES) 6 00:00:30,376 --> 00:00:32,127 Was my happy place. 7 00:00:40,302 --> 00:00:43,389 MAN OVER PA: All inmates in D dorm must be checked for lice. 8 00:00:43,680 --> 00:00:47,184 Repeat, all inmates in D dorm must be checked for lice. 9 00:00:47,351 --> 00:00:48,894 (CLEARS THROAT) 10 00:00:49,644 --> 00:00:52,647 Oh, I'll be out in a sec. I swear. 11 00:00:52,731 --> 00:00:56,902 Mmm-hmm. I'll wait. There best be some hot water left. 12 00:00:57,069 --> 00:00:59,238 There wasn't very much when I started. 13 00:00:59,363 --> 00:01:00,364 Mmm-hmm. 14 00:01:00,989 --> 00:01:02,908 Man, hurry! 15 00:01:03,033 --> 00:01:05,911 All right, okay, okay. 16 00:01:06,036 --> 00:01:08,080 I'm done. I'm out. I'm totally out. 17 00:01:08,205 --> 00:01:10,040 Damn, you got some nice titties. 18 00:01:10,123 --> 00:01:11,083 (LAUGHS) 19 00:01:11,208 --> 00:01:13,626 - Thank you. - You got them TV titties. 20 00:01:13,752 --> 00:01:16,963 They stand up on they own all perky and everything. 21 00:01:17,089 --> 00:01:18,631 Okay. 22 00:01:20,259 --> 00:01:23,803 You know they sell flip-flops at the commissary. 23 00:01:24,346 --> 00:01:26,098 My money's not in yet, so. 24 00:01:26,223 --> 00:01:29,809 You creative. I give you that, high-tits. 25 00:01:29,935 --> 00:01:30,936 (LAUGHS) 26 00:01:31,103 --> 00:01:33,272 Now get the fuck out the way. 27 00:01:33,604 --> 00:01:34,647 Okay. 28 00:01:40,611 --> 00:01:42,905 (TAYSTEE SINGING) 29 00:01:53,917 --> 00:01:55,294 (THEME SONG PLAYING) 30 00:03:07,073 --> 00:03:09,159 So, there's an entire pig in there? 31 00:03:09,409 --> 00:03:10,410 Yes. 32 00:03:10,536 --> 00:03:11,953 For four of us? 33 00:03:12,329 --> 00:03:15,541 It's a small pig. I really wanted to use the box. 34 00:03:15,666 --> 00:03:17,125 It was my birthday present. 35 00:03:17,459 --> 00:03:19,378 She's guilty she's leaving. 36 00:03:19,503 --> 00:03:20,879 It's a guilt pig-roasting box. 37 00:03:21,004 --> 00:03:22,755 At least you get something. 38 00:03:22,881 --> 00:03:25,592 I'm not getting laid for a year, too, but what do I get? 39 00:03:26,176 --> 00:03:27,219 A baby? 40 00:03:27,344 --> 00:03:28,637 But you can't eat it. 41 00:03:28,719 --> 00:03:29,720 (CHUCKLES) 42 00:03:30,389 --> 00:03:33,392 - Are we really gonna eat that? - It's thematic. 43 00:03:33,475 --> 00:03:35,143 POLLY: You're not serving time in Cuba. 44 00:03:35,477 --> 00:03:36,853 Pigs. Cops. 45 00:03:41,149 --> 00:03:43,360 How the fuck are you going to jail tomorrow? 46 00:03:44,027 --> 00:03:45,862 Prison, not jail. 47 00:03:47,113 --> 00:03:48,574 You're missing my shower. 48 00:03:49,324 --> 00:03:50,950 Polly, I'm really sorry. 49 00:03:52,327 --> 00:03:53,620 I know. 50 00:03:56,582 --> 00:03:59,751 You focus on how you're gonna maintain your eyebrows behind bars. 51 00:04:00,335 --> 00:04:03,087 You may not come back with a unibrow. 52 00:04:05,382 --> 00:04:06,425 Am I allowed to cry? 53 00:04:06,508 --> 00:04:09,094 No. Seriously, no. 54 00:04:09,844 --> 00:04:14,391 - (SIGHS) - Okay, we are ready. Everybody inside. 55 00:04:14,849 --> 00:04:16,017 - Need a hoist? - Yeah. 56 00:04:16,101 --> 00:04:17,686 - Big girl. - (CHUCKLES) 57 00:04:18,019 --> 00:04:19,812 On to the last supper. 58 00:04:22,941 --> 00:04:24,901 - We got to do it. - I know. 59 00:04:25,318 --> 00:04:26,319 (SIGHS) 60 00:04:26,445 --> 00:04:28,238 God, we really should not have eaten so much. 61 00:04:28,321 --> 00:04:30,741 I know. Come on, we gotta rally. 62 00:04:30,907 --> 00:04:31,991 Okay. 63 00:04:32,117 --> 00:04:35,287 - Make some memories, you know? - Yeah. 64 00:04:35,412 --> 00:04:38,123 You need spank-bank material. 65 00:04:38,415 --> 00:04:41,209 - Oh, well, I mean, when you say it like that. - Mmm. 66 00:04:46,715 --> 00:04:47,924 Mmm-hmm. 67 00:04:48,007 --> 00:04:49,635 (BOTH MOANING) 68 00:04:52,971 --> 00:04:55,098 - Wait, I got... - What? 69 00:04:55,181 --> 00:04:57,309 - I gotta pee. - What? No. 70 00:04:57,392 --> 00:04:58,435 - Yeah. - Really? 71 00:04:58,518 --> 00:05:00,646 - I just... - Oh. 72 00:05:01,521 --> 00:05:04,065 - I'll be... I'll be right back. - Oh! 73 00:05:08,153 --> 00:05:09,279 Hey. 74 00:05:10,071 --> 00:05:11,114 Yeah? 75 00:05:12,365 --> 00:05:13,617 You look beautiful. 76 00:05:16,035 --> 00:05:17,245 Thanks. 77 00:05:18,455 --> 00:05:19,790 (SIGHS) 78 00:05:20,832 --> 00:05:22,167 Oh! 79 00:05:24,919 --> 00:05:26,296 (GRUNTS) 80 00:05:30,300 --> 00:05:31,677 Oh, shit. 81 00:05:35,555 --> 00:05:36,807 (SOBBING) 82 00:06:22,060 --> 00:06:23,061 (FLUSHING) 83 00:06:31,778 --> 00:06:32,903 What? 84 00:06:36,742 --> 00:06:38,744 You look beautiful, too. 85 00:06:43,415 --> 00:06:46,459 (CLEARS THROAT) Come on. Get in. 86 00:07:08,022 --> 00:07:09,357 Hey. You're crying. 87 00:07:09,441 --> 00:07:10,442 Shh! 88 00:07:11,902 --> 00:07:13,111 Just fuck me. 89 00:07:13,194 --> 00:07:14,446 Piper. 90 00:07:14,529 --> 00:07:16,197 Shut up. 91 00:07:16,281 --> 00:07:19,492 Please. Please. 92 00:07:22,537 --> 00:07:23,789 Okay. 93 00:08:03,829 --> 00:08:05,079 No visiting today. 94 00:08:05,163 --> 00:08:08,500 Hi, um, I'm here to surrender. 95 00:08:08,625 --> 00:08:10,168 Oh, okay, then. 96 00:08:14,547 --> 00:08:16,174 Did he look surprised to you? 97 00:08:16,257 --> 00:08:18,885 When I said that I was here to surrender? Didn't he look surprised? 98 00:08:19,010 --> 00:08:20,762 Like, "What the hell is she doing here?" 99 00:08:21,513 --> 00:08:24,516 - I didn't notice. - Well, he looked surprised to me. 100 00:08:27,185 --> 00:08:31,314 I look like shit. My eyes are all puffy. 101 00:08:31,397 --> 00:08:32,482 You're worried about how you look? 102 00:08:32,565 --> 00:08:33,692 Well, they're gonna know that I was crying. 103 00:08:33,775 --> 00:08:35,443 It's a sign of weakness. You can't show any weakness. 104 00:08:35,527 --> 00:08:36,903 That's what all of the books said. 105 00:08:37,028 --> 00:08:38,112 Oh, sweetie... 106 00:08:38,196 --> 00:08:40,031 Don't call me sweetie. 107 00:08:40,114 --> 00:08:41,533 Oh, Leonard. 108 00:08:42,534 --> 00:08:44,202 That's better. 109 00:08:50,375 --> 00:08:52,335 I can't take it with me. 110 00:08:53,044 --> 00:08:54,253 Oh. 111 00:08:55,672 --> 00:08:57,674 Oh, okay. Right. 112 00:09:00,677 --> 00:09:02,012 What are you doing? 113 00:09:02,094 --> 00:09:03,137 What? 114 00:09:03,221 --> 00:09:04,597 You can't put that in your pocket. 115 00:09:04,723 --> 00:09:06,641 It's gonna end up at the bottom of the washing machine. 116 00:09:06,725 --> 00:09:08,393 Okay. Um... 117 00:09:08,518 --> 00:09:09,853 Where would you like me to put it then, Piper? 118 00:09:09,936 --> 00:09:11,396 Up your ass. 119 00:09:11,980 --> 00:09:14,733 There's no room. Apparently, my head's already up there. 120 00:09:15,650 --> 00:09:16,985 I'm sorry. 121 00:09:20,030 --> 00:09:21,155 It's okay. 122 00:09:24,409 --> 00:09:25,660 You know what? 123 00:09:26,912 --> 00:09:30,164 - I'm gonna put it in my wallet. Okay? - Mmm-hmm. 124 00:09:30,248 --> 00:09:34,586 And when I get home, I will put it in your jewelry box. 125 00:09:35,378 --> 00:09:37,338 Until I'm short on rent, then I may hock it. 126 00:09:37,422 --> 00:09:40,842 But I'll try to get it back before you're out. 127 00:09:47,223 --> 00:09:48,349 We should go. 128 00:09:48,975 --> 00:09:50,101 Okay. 129 00:09:53,271 --> 00:09:54,940 (EXHALES) Okay. 130 00:09:56,232 --> 00:09:57,442 WOMAN: Self-surrender. 131 00:09:57,567 --> 00:09:59,318 Yeah, well, no one told me either. 132 00:09:59,444 --> 00:10:00,737 MAN OVER PA: Available guards... 133 00:10:00,820 --> 00:10:02,697 Got the paperwork right here. 134 00:10:02,781 --> 00:10:04,783 Name is Chapman. 135 00:10:05,533 --> 00:10:10,956 Yeah. Chap, like when your lips get all dry they're chapped. 136 00:10:11,247 --> 00:10:12,248 Have a seat. 137 00:10:15,752 --> 00:10:17,712 Piper. Rhymes with sniper. 138 00:10:17,796 --> 00:10:20,506 - MAN OVER PA: Inmate Robinson to the visitor area. - (SIGHS) 139 00:10:24,302 --> 00:10:25,595 You hungry? 140 00:10:25,678 --> 00:10:26,846 Not really. 141 00:10:26,972 --> 00:10:28,640 WOMAN OVER PA: Guard Thomson to the tower. 142 00:10:28,765 --> 00:10:29,891 Eat anyway. 143 00:10:30,433 --> 00:10:31,935 - It's burrata. - Aw. 144 00:10:33,311 --> 00:10:34,646 Thank you. 145 00:10:39,191 --> 00:10:43,154 My mother told her friends I'm doing volunteer work in Africa. 146 00:10:43,529 --> 00:10:44,990 (CHUCKLES) 147 00:10:45,115 --> 00:10:48,493 I bet they're all appalled that you've gone somewhere so filthy and dangerous. 148 00:10:51,621 --> 00:10:56,084 So I never carried drugs. Just money. 149 00:10:56,960 --> 00:10:58,336 You were a lesbian? 150 00:10:59,004 --> 00:11:00,463 At the time. 151 00:11:01,422 --> 00:11:02,507 You still a lesbian? 152 00:11:03,133 --> 00:11:04,550 No, I'm not still a lesbian. 153 00:11:04,884 --> 00:11:06,011 You sure? 154 00:11:07,428 --> 00:11:11,641 I once kissed Mary Straley when I was at Miss Porter's school. 155 00:11:11,724 --> 00:11:13,018 But it wasn't for me. 156 00:11:13,351 --> 00:11:14,393 Wow. 157 00:11:15,269 --> 00:11:16,354 Did you know about all this? 158 00:11:16,521 --> 00:11:19,858 No. No, no, I didn't. 159 00:11:19,983 --> 00:11:21,484 (CLEARS THROAT) 160 00:11:21,567 --> 00:11:24,445 I mean, she told me how she traveled after college, 161 00:11:24,529 --> 00:11:26,698 but she failed to mention the lesbian lover 162 00:11:26,823 --> 00:11:28,658 who ran an international drug smuggling ring. 163 00:11:28,741 --> 00:11:30,409 Imagine my surprise. 164 00:11:31,410 --> 00:11:33,538 What on earth did you do with the money? 165 00:11:33,705 --> 00:11:36,541 Well, Grandmother, I wasn't really in it for the money. 166 00:11:37,291 --> 00:11:39,836 Oh, Piper, for heaven's sake! 167 00:11:40,128 --> 00:11:41,462 (CHUCKLES) 168 00:11:44,632 --> 00:11:47,052 So this is my last post as a free woman. 169 00:11:47,177 --> 00:11:49,512 - What are you gonna write? - WOMAN: Hey! Uh-uh. 170 00:11:49,595 --> 00:11:51,848 Oh, no. You cannot have a phone in here. 171 00:11:51,931 --> 00:11:53,892 This is a federal facility. You have to take that out. 172 00:11:54,017 --> 00:11:56,310 Oh, can I? Am I allowed to go out? 173 00:11:56,394 --> 00:11:57,436 He can take it out. 174 00:11:57,562 --> 00:11:59,939 So no phone? 175 00:12:00,065 --> 00:12:01,607 - You knew that. - Now. 176 00:12:01,733 --> 00:12:03,568 Oh, my God, Larry, by the time I get out 177 00:12:03,693 --> 00:12:06,029 there'll have been, like, three new generations of iPhones. 178 00:12:06,112 --> 00:12:08,907 Sir, I can get an officer to escort you out. 179 00:12:08,990 --> 00:12:12,660 No, I'm going. It's okay, I'm going, okay? I'll be right back, okay? 180 00:12:12,744 --> 00:12:15,788 I'll take the phone to the car, I'll be right back. 181 00:12:15,914 --> 00:12:17,123 Okay? Two seconds. 182 00:12:17,247 --> 00:12:18,666 - Yeah? - Okay. 183 00:12:20,250 --> 00:12:21,627 Two seconds. 184 00:12:23,796 --> 00:12:24,797 (DOOR CLOSING) 185 00:12:24,923 --> 00:12:26,091 - BELL: Chapman! - Yes. 186 00:12:27,425 --> 00:12:30,428 Yes, that's me. But you have to wait. 187 00:12:30,511 --> 00:12:31,763 You're telling me what I have to do? 188 00:12:32,847 --> 00:12:34,766 Get your ass over here, Chapman, now. Move it. 189 00:12:34,849 --> 00:12:35,975 He's, he's gonna be right back. 190 00:12:36,101 --> 00:12:37,267 We've been waiting here for two hours. 191 00:12:37,393 --> 00:12:38,728 And the wait is over. 192 00:12:38,811 --> 00:12:40,270 Here's your temporary ID, 193 00:12:40,354 --> 00:12:42,899 you'll stick this on your uniform when we get to that. Now... 194 00:12:42,982 --> 00:12:44,943 - Here. I'm here. Here I am. - Here he is. 195 00:12:45,068 --> 00:12:47,237 - Who's this? - My fiancé. 196 00:12:47,319 --> 00:12:48,571 Yeah? Good luck with that. 197 00:12:48,654 --> 00:12:49,781 Excuse me? 198 00:12:49,864 --> 00:12:51,616 - Any personal items? - Here. 199 00:12:55,369 --> 00:12:56,579 You can't take this check. 200 00:12:56,662 --> 00:12:58,831 But we called last week. And they told me to bring it. 201 00:12:58,957 --> 00:13:00,125 He has to send it to Iowa. 202 00:13:00,208 --> 00:13:01,626 It takes a few weeks to process. 203 00:13:01,709 --> 00:13:04,254 A few weeks? Doesn't she need to buy things? 204 00:13:04,336 --> 00:13:05,421 How it is. 205 00:13:06,714 --> 00:13:07,924 Where do we send it? 206 00:13:08,174 --> 00:13:10,802 Hey, you got that Iowa address? 207 00:13:11,719 --> 00:13:14,806 Any Nudie Judies in here? Skin pics? Naughty stuff? 208 00:13:14,931 --> 00:13:17,184 No. No Nudie Judies. 209 00:13:17,725 --> 00:13:20,436 Time to say goodbye. It might be a while till you can visit, fiancé. 210 00:13:23,231 --> 00:13:24,314 I love you so much. 211 00:13:24,440 --> 00:13:25,441 I love you, too! 212 00:13:26,025 --> 00:13:27,610 - I'll call you as soon as I can. - Okay. 213 00:13:27,693 --> 00:13:29,862 Okay? Please send that check immediately. 214 00:13:30,029 --> 00:13:31,321 Okay. I will. 215 00:13:31,405 --> 00:13:33,658 I love you. Please keep my website updated. 216 00:13:33,783 --> 00:13:34,826 I love you so much. 217 00:13:35,325 --> 00:13:36,494 (SOBS) 218 00:13:37,327 --> 00:13:38,328 It's okay. 219 00:13:48,006 --> 00:13:49,339 It's okay. 220 00:13:57,140 --> 00:13:58,516 (DOOR CLOSES) 221 00:14:01,186 --> 00:14:03,521 - BELL: What size shoe are you? - Nine and a half, ten. 222 00:14:09,443 --> 00:14:10,862 These are kinda like Toms. 223 00:14:10,945 --> 00:14:13,698 - Who's Tom? - Toms are shoes. 224 00:14:13,823 --> 00:14:16,951 When you buy a pair, the company gives another to a child in need. 225 00:14:17,035 --> 00:14:19,495 They're great. And they come in lots of different colors and... 226 00:14:19,578 --> 00:14:20,872 How nice. 227 00:14:22,874 --> 00:14:23,875 Strip. 228 00:14:25,210 --> 00:14:26,752 (SOUL MUSIC PLAYING) 229 00:14:46,522 --> 00:14:47,565 Get over here. 230 00:15:00,494 --> 00:15:01,871 (MOUTHING) Come here. 231 00:15:14,800 --> 00:15:16,677 Are you gonna miss me? 232 00:15:17,595 --> 00:15:18,930 Yes. 233 00:15:22,016 --> 00:15:23,059 Too much. 234 00:15:26,520 --> 00:15:27,646 Come with me. 235 00:15:28,398 --> 00:15:29,648 What? 236 00:15:30,608 --> 00:15:32,026 Come to Bali. 237 00:15:32,110 --> 00:15:33,111 (MUSIC STOPS) 238 00:15:33,652 --> 00:15:35,654 Come with me. I mean it. I'll buy you a plane ticket. 239 00:15:39,575 --> 00:15:40,785 Are you serious? 240 00:15:43,329 --> 00:15:44,538 Yes. 241 00:15:45,373 --> 00:15:46,374 (KISSES) 242 00:15:47,666 --> 00:15:52,338 Come with me. Quit your job. Come with me. 243 00:15:53,298 --> 00:15:57,593 Well, I'd have to give notice. 244 00:15:57,676 --> 00:16:00,138 You're a fucking waitress. You don't need to give a notice. 245 00:16:01,264 --> 00:16:02,890 Will I get in trouble? 246 00:16:02,974 --> 00:16:04,058 God, I hope so. 247 00:16:04,434 --> 00:16:05,476 (CHUCKLES) 248 00:16:08,729 --> 00:16:10,815 You know what I mean. 249 00:16:10,898 --> 00:16:12,775 You don't have to do anything. 250 00:16:13,651 --> 00:16:17,071 You're just there to keep me company, all right? 251 00:16:20,783 --> 00:16:22,285 Come on, babe. I want you to come. 252 00:16:22,994 --> 00:16:24,203 And I want you to come. 253 00:16:26,789 --> 00:16:28,040 (MOANING) 254 00:16:28,166 --> 00:16:30,001 Yes? Is that a yes? 255 00:16:30,126 --> 00:16:31,336 Yes. 256 00:16:33,045 --> 00:16:34,297 Yes. 257 00:16:34,713 --> 00:16:36,215 BELL: Open your mouth, stick out your tongue. 258 00:16:36,632 --> 00:16:38,592 MAN OVER PA: Inmates, an updated facility rules with 259 00:16:38,676 --> 00:16:40,511 inmate discipline list is posted in the day room. 260 00:16:42,680 --> 00:16:43,806 Lift up your arms. 261 00:16:46,725 --> 00:16:48,019 Turn around. 262 00:16:51,689 --> 00:16:52,815 Squat. 263 00:16:56,152 --> 00:16:57,778 Spread your cheeks and cough. 264 00:17:00,156 --> 00:17:01,366 Seriously? 265 00:17:06,454 --> 00:17:07,579 (COUGHS) 266 00:17:14,295 --> 00:17:15,505 That it? 267 00:17:15,587 --> 00:17:17,256 One more coming, hold on. 268 00:17:22,720 --> 00:17:23,929 My zipper's broken. 269 00:17:26,765 --> 00:17:27,892 First time down? 270 00:17:28,017 --> 00:17:29,227 My first time here? 271 00:17:29,768 --> 00:17:31,937 Oh, no, your first time in prison? 272 00:17:32,063 --> 00:17:34,357 Oh, yeah. 273 00:17:34,440 --> 00:17:37,360 It's not so bad. Everyone's okay. 274 00:17:37,443 --> 00:17:39,529 You've gotta watch out for the stealing. 275 00:17:41,739 --> 00:17:43,741 So, what's your name? Your last name. 276 00:17:43,824 --> 00:17:45,743 Everyone uses last names here. 277 00:17:45,868 --> 00:17:48,538 I'm Morello and that is Watson. 278 00:17:49,914 --> 00:17:50,956 Chapman. 279 00:17:51,082 --> 00:17:52,958 And how much time you got, Chapman? 280 00:17:54,335 --> 00:17:55,378 Fifteen months. 281 00:17:55,461 --> 00:17:58,172 Oh, that's not so bad. I got 34, 282 00:17:58,256 --> 00:18:00,591 but I'm hoping with good time it'll be less. 283 00:18:00,674 --> 00:18:04,970 You... so you're a... they let you drive? 284 00:18:05,096 --> 00:18:07,056 Well, who else is gonna do it? (CHUCKLES) 285 00:18:07,139 --> 00:18:09,434 We do everything around here. 286 00:18:10,642 --> 00:18:14,105 Hey, can I ask you something? You look like you'd know. 287 00:18:14,230 --> 00:18:15,814 All right, which dress you like better? 288 00:18:15,940 --> 00:18:17,233 My top two faves are the ones 289 00:18:17,316 --> 00:18:19,610 with the half-and-half lids stuck to the pages. 290 00:18:19,693 --> 00:18:23,239 See, I want something that's gonna express my personality. 291 00:18:23,322 --> 00:18:26,700 And the trick is, I wanna show off the boobs and the ass, 292 00:18:26,784 --> 00:18:29,537 but I'm not so happy with the upper arms and the stomach, 293 00:18:29,620 --> 00:18:31,456 so there's the challenge. 294 00:18:34,584 --> 00:18:35,585 Both nice. 295 00:18:36,627 --> 00:18:37,878 That's all you gotta say? 296 00:18:40,631 --> 00:18:43,801 I gotta look good. My first dance is gonna go on YouTube. 297 00:18:43,926 --> 00:18:46,929 Look! I found a rock that looks like a penis with one ball. 298 00:18:47,012 --> 00:18:49,223 - No. - It's my Lance Armstrong rock. 299 00:18:49,765 --> 00:18:53,060 Hold it up. Let me see, let me see. Nice. 300 00:18:53,144 --> 00:18:54,895 Okay, now lick it, softly and tenderly, 301 00:18:54,979 --> 00:18:56,355 like you would've when you thought he was clean. 302 00:18:56,481 --> 00:18:57,815 Oh, Jesus! Shut that thing off. 303 00:18:57,898 --> 00:18:59,984 You're making a huge mistake. This could go viral. 304 00:19:00,151 --> 00:19:01,193 Seriously, shut it off. 305 00:19:01,319 --> 00:19:03,154 - What? - I'm so fat from all the stress-eating. 306 00:19:03,279 --> 00:19:05,823 I really don't want a record of it. 307 00:19:07,658 --> 00:19:09,994 You know, that's one thing I'm gonna do in prison. 308 00:19:10,077 --> 00:19:12,246 I'm gonna get ripped. 309 00:19:13,164 --> 00:19:14,999 Like Jackie Warner ripped. 310 00:19:15,666 --> 00:19:18,669 And I'm gonna read everything on my Amazon wish list. 311 00:19:18,794 --> 00:19:23,090 And maybe even learn a craft, you know? I could be crafty. 312 00:19:23,174 --> 00:19:24,800 I'm gonna make it count, Larry. 313 00:19:24,883 --> 00:19:28,262 I'm not gonna throw away a year of my life. 314 00:19:28,346 --> 00:19:29,805 What the hell are you looking for? 315 00:19:35,894 --> 00:19:37,355 Oh, no! 316 00:19:37,438 --> 00:19:38,523 What is that? 317 00:19:38,606 --> 00:19:40,191 Piper... 318 00:19:40,274 --> 00:19:42,067 Oh, Jesus, Larry. Why would you want... 319 00:19:42,234 --> 00:19:46,947 Why would I want a felonious, former lesbian, WASP-shiksa 320 00:19:47,031 --> 00:19:48,533 who's about to go to prison, to marry me? 321 00:19:48,658 --> 00:19:50,701 Yes. And all of the stress-eating? 322 00:19:51,661 --> 00:19:55,498 Well, because this peculiar, 323 00:19:56,707 --> 00:20:00,461 underachieving, underemployed Jew-boy loves her. 324 00:20:02,380 --> 00:20:05,716 And knows that he will never be bored, 325 00:20:06,425 --> 00:20:12,056 and can't believe how lucky he is that he met her. 326 00:20:15,017 --> 00:20:18,062 I gotta lock this shit down before you leave, Pipes. 327 00:20:20,898 --> 00:20:22,274 I love you. 328 00:20:23,734 --> 00:20:24,985 You wanna marry me? 329 00:20:25,653 --> 00:20:27,112 When I get out, right? 330 00:20:27,238 --> 00:20:28,906 Whenever you want. 331 00:20:29,865 --> 00:20:31,158 I'll be so ripped. 332 00:20:31,409 --> 00:20:33,118 (CHUCKLES) 333 00:20:33,244 --> 00:20:37,248 You could wear a wedding dress that's like a half-shirt, you know? 334 00:20:37,331 --> 00:20:38,999 Show off those abs. 335 00:20:39,083 --> 00:20:40,585 Yeah! (CHUCKLES) 336 00:20:46,215 --> 00:20:48,050 Was it your grandmother's? 337 00:20:48,217 --> 00:20:50,761 No, my mom's saving that one for my sister. 338 00:20:50,886 --> 00:20:53,305 This is my great-aunt Marcia's. 339 00:20:53,431 --> 00:20:54,890 She had thyroid cancer 340 00:20:54,973 --> 00:20:58,143 and a series of schnauzers, all named Schnapps. That's all I know. 341 00:20:59,770 --> 00:21:02,814 Put it on. I had it sized. Good. 342 00:21:08,112 --> 00:21:09,363 It's beautiful. 343 00:21:09,447 --> 00:21:11,115 And that's a "yes," right? 344 00:21:11,198 --> 00:21:12,450 Yes. 345 00:21:12,950 --> 00:21:14,076 Yeah. 346 00:21:14,702 --> 00:21:17,329 Will you say that just one more time for me? 347 00:21:17,455 --> 00:21:20,374 But, this time, just into the camera, okay? 348 00:21:20,458 --> 00:21:22,918 - Oh, you asshole! - (LAUGHS) 349 00:21:23,001 --> 00:21:24,878 - Come on, I had to capture the moment. - Shit. Turn it off! 350 00:21:24,962 --> 00:21:26,756 - What? - Give me that! 351 00:21:29,258 --> 00:21:31,510 Oh, you're cold. Come here. 352 00:21:31,636 --> 00:21:33,638 Bounce your legs up and down. It keeps your feet warm. 353 00:21:33,721 --> 00:21:34,930 Thanks. 354 00:21:36,223 --> 00:21:38,768 You think your man is still gonna be around when you're out? 355 00:21:38,850 --> 00:21:41,270 Yeah, he'll be there. I'm the love of his life. 356 00:21:43,021 --> 00:21:45,023 Thirty-four months is a long time. 357 00:21:45,899 --> 00:21:47,818 Yeah, but she's the love of his life! 358 00:21:48,653 --> 00:21:50,946 And who the fuck asked you? 359 00:21:51,029 --> 00:21:52,156 MAN: Head on up. 360 00:21:52,239 --> 00:21:53,783 WOMAN OVER PA: All the gates open to one and two. 361 00:21:53,865 --> 00:21:57,161 All right, so his tie is gonna match the bridesmaids' dresses. 362 00:21:57,244 --> 00:21:58,579 There's six bridesmaids. 363 00:21:58,663 --> 00:22:00,706 My cousin's being a bitch, so I'm thinking about dropping her. 364 00:22:09,715 --> 00:22:11,509 LORNA: All right, let's go. 365 00:22:17,431 --> 00:22:18,808 (WHISTLING) 366 00:22:22,978 --> 00:22:24,605 (INDISTINCT TALKING) 367 00:22:25,815 --> 00:22:27,191 (LAUGHING) 368 00:22:34,365 --> 00:22:35,533 (DOOR BUZZING) 369 00:22:36,575 --> 00:22:37,660 Hello, Miss Claudette. 370 00:22:37,743 --> 00:22:39,244 Morello. 371 00:22:42,247 --> 00:22:43,499 Watch out for that one. 372 00:22:43,582 --> 00:22:45,710 Don't get me wrong, she's a good lady, 373 00:22:45,835 --> 00:22:47,378 but you don't wanna get on her bad side. 374 00:22:48,128 --> 00:22:49,797 Go ahead. Go. 375 00:22:52,675 --> 00:22:55,427 Okay, I'm gonna send you all through to processing, 376 00:22:55,553 --> 00:22:56,886 you'll get your room assignments, 377 00:22:57,012 --> 00:23:00,098 and I'll meet you back here and show you your bunks. Okay? 378 00:23:00,224 --> 00:23:02,643 Don't look so bummed. Gonna get the wrinkles. 379 00:23:02,976 --> 00:23:05,563 PORNSTACHE: All right, raise your head and look at the lens. 380 00:23:06,896 --> 00:23:08,607 Oh, crap! 381 00:23:08,982 --> 00:23:11,694 New guy, what's your name, Bennett? 382 00:23:12,444 --> 00:23:14,739 Bennett, it's not fucking working again. 383 00:23:14,864 --> 00:23:17,157 - You turn it on? - Yeah, I turned it on. 384 00:23:18,283 --> 00:23:19,618 (CLEARS THROAT) 385 00:23:20,994 --> 00:23:24,456 Wait, I think I got it. Ready? 386 00:23:24,582 --> 00:23:25,915 Yeah. Yep. 387 00:23:27,418 --> 00:23:29,127 Wait, no. 388 00:23:29,253 --> 00:23:31,171 - What does this button do? - No! Don't touch that. 389 00:23:31,963 --> 00:23:33,507 Sorry, princess. 390 00:23:34,466 --> 00:23:35,634 There's a cord right there. 391 00:23:35,760 --> 00:23:38,512 Do you think that that needs to be connected to something? 392 00:23:39,847 --> 00:23:41,432 Shut your mouth and stand still. 393 00:23:43,933 --> 00:23:45,269 (LAPTOP BEEPS) 394 00:23:45,728 --> 00:23:47,563 - She's right. - Okay, fine. 395 00:23:47,646 --> 00:23:48,773 PORNSTACHE: Got it. 396 00:23:48,898 --> 00:23:50,023 I wasn't ready. 397 00:23:50,107 --> 00:23:52,067 Tough shit. Next. 398 00:23:52,443 --> 00:23:55,945 This is a TB test. Nice veins. 399 00:23:56,029 --> 00:23:57,865 - No track marks. - Thanks. 400 00:23:57,947 --> 00:23:59,658 Tattoos? 401 00:23:59,784 --> 00:24:01,034 Oh, yeah. 402 00:24:02,912 --> 00:24:04,622 Oh, a fish. You like fish? 403 00:24:06,540 --> 00:24:09,794 Saw it on a scuba diving trip. 404 00:24:09,919 --> 00:24:11,169 Thought it was beautiful. 405 00:24:11,295 --> 00:24:16,383 I don't like fish. I like pork, chicken. But it's a pretty fish. 406 00:24:17,760 --> 00:24:19,094 Thanks. 407 00:24:19,177 --> 00:24:20,638 PIPER: It's gonna rub off when I sweat. 408 00:24:20,763 --> 00:24:23,808 No, it won't. It's waterproof. Stop. 409 00:24:25,975 --> 00:24:29,647 So, when this dries, you should be good to go. 410 00:24:31,398 --> 00:24:32,691 How am I gonna get it off? 411 00:24:32,817 --> 00:24:33,943 Acetone. 412 00:24:35,945 --> 00:24:38,113 Great. Alex, I don't, I don't know if I can... 413 00:24:38,196 --> 00:24:39,657 Hey. 414 00:24:39,740 --> 00:24:41,199 Hey, hey, hey. 415 00:24:41,325 --> 00:24:42,326 Shh! 416 00:24:45,078 --> 00:24:47,080 (SIGHS) 417 00:24:47,164 --> 00:24:50,709 You are a nice blonde lady, aren't you? 418 00:24:53,337 --> 00:24:55,130 A proper young lady. 419 00:24:56,715 --> 00:24:59,760 Just picking up her sensible bag in the baggage claim 420 00:25:00,469 --> 00:25:03,848 before heading off to her mid-range hotel to go over her schedules. 421 00:25:03,973 --> 00:25:06,308 Museum visits and fancy dinners. 422 00:25:13,524 --> 00:25:17,110 It's all fine. It's all good. 423 00:25:18,320 --> 00:25:19,571 And I will meet you in Brussels, 424 00:25:19,697 --> 00:25:21,949 and everything will work out perfectly, babe. 425 00:25:22,031 --> 00:25:23,367 I promise. 426 00:25:25,494 --> 00:25:27,371 It's all gonna be okay. 427 00:25:28,831 --> 00:25:29,832 HEALY: Are you okay? 428 00:25:30,833 --> 00:25:33,168 Fine. I guess. 429 00:25:36,213 --> 00:25:37,715 What's PoPi? 430 00:25:37,840 --> 00:25:39,048 Poppy. 431 00:25:40,718 --> 00:25:44,262 It's a bath products line I'd started with my friend, Polly. 432 00:25:44,388 --> 00:25:48,600 Polly and Piper. PoPi. We're gonna be in Barneys. 433 00:25:49,267 --> 00:25:50,268 Barneys? 434 00:25:51,144 --> 00:25:52,521 It's a nice store. 435 00:25:54,648 --> 00:25:58,235 It's a pretty big case. Criminal conspiracy. 436 00:25:58,360 --> 00:26:00,905 That's what they charged me with. 437 00:26:01,030 --> 00:26:03,532 I carried a suitcase of money. 438 00:26:03,615 --> 00:26:06,284 Drug money. Once. 439 00:26:07,327 --> 00:26:08,579 Ten years ago. 440 00:26:08,704 --> 00:26:10,330 What's the statute of limitations on that? 441 00:26:12,374 --> 00:26:13,584 Twelve years. 442 00:26:14,585 --> 00:26:15,920 That's tough. 443 00:26:16,045 --> 00:26:17,212 Well, 444 00:26:18,797 --> 00:26:24,678 I did it, that one time, 10 years ago. 445 00:26:25,012 --> 00:26:26,179 What did your lawyer say? 446 00:26:26,304 --> 00:26:28,724 He said with the mandatory minimums with drug crimes, 447 00:26:28,807 --> 00:26:31,560 he wouldn't recommend risking a trial. So, I pleaded out. 448 00:26:31,810 --> 00:26:32,937 And here you are. 449 00:26:33,687 --> 00:26:34,688 Here I am. 450 00:26:35,564 --> 00:26:39,443 Costing the tax payers money and sweating in my armchair. 451 00:26:39,944 --> 00:26:42,362 You know, I've been here for 22 years, 452 00:26:42,446 --> 00:26:45,783 and I still can't figure out how the system works. 453 00:26:46,450 --> 00:26:48,786 I got a crack dealer who is doing nine months, 454 00:26:48,911 --> 00:26:53,665 and then I have a lady who accidently backed into a mailman 455 00:26:53,791 --> 00:26:55,793 who is doing four years. 456 00:26:55,876 --> 00:26:58,127 I mean, the guy broke his collar bone, but come on. 457 00:26:58,211 --> 00:27:00,005 I just don't get it. 458 00:27:02,466 --> 00:27:04,509 Are you gonna barf? 459 00:27:04,635 --> 00:27:05,677 Tell me if you're gonna barf. 460 00:27:05,803 --> 00:27:07,136 Because there's a can behind you. 461 00:27:07,220 --> 00:27:08,889 I won't barf. 462 00:27:08,973 --> 00:27:11,976 I will be truly displeased if you barf anywhere but in that can. 463 00:27:12,851 --> 00:27:14,311 Not gonna barf. 464 00:27:16,480 --> 00:27:17,940 Miss Chapman, 465 00:27:19,441 --> 00:27:23,403 no one's gonna mess with you here unless you let them. 466 00:27:24,446 --> 00:27:26,197 This isn't Oz. 467 00:27:26,448 --> 00:27:28,700 Women fight with gossip and rumors. 468 00:27:29,326 --> 00:27:33,998 They might peg you for rich and try to hit you up for commissary. 469 00:27:35,540 --> 00:27:36,959 And there are lesbians. 470 00:27:38,502 --> 00:27:39,920 They're not gonna bother you. 471 00:27:40,004 --> 00:27:42,006 They'll try to be your friend, 472 00:27:42,089 --> 00:27:43,507 just stay away from them. 473 00:27:44,424 --> 00:27:50,973 I want you to understand, you do not have to have lesbian sex. 474 00:27:57,104 --> 00:27:58,772 I have a fiancé. 475 00:28:00,357 --> 00:28:01,525 His name is Larry. 476 00:28:01,608 --> 00:28:03,152 He's a writer. 477 00:28:04,987 --> 00:28:06,237 Can he come visit me? 478 00:28:06,363 --> 00:28:08,573 - Is he in here? - Yes. Everybody's in there. 479 00:28:08,699 --> 00:28:11,785 All the people in the PSI are cleared to visit. 480 00:28:11,869 --> 00:28:13,120 He can come this weekend. 481 00:28:14,038 --> 00:28:15,789 I'll make sure the list is in the visiting room. 482 00:28:15,873 --> 00:28:17,624 Thank you so much, Mr. Healy. 483 00:28:18,917 --> 00:28:22,671 You just keep to yourself. And you'll be fine. 484 00:28:22,754 --> 00:28:24,131 And don't make friends. 485 00:28:25,340 --> 00:28:30,721 And remember, nothing goes on here that I don't know about. 486 00:28:31,013 --> 00:28:34,223 You know everything about me! I tell you everything! 487 00:28:35,142 --> 00:28:37,728 The webcam horror, the penis shaving incident. 488 00:28:37,811 --> 00:28:39,146 How do I not know this? 489 00:28:39,270 --> 00:28:41,648 What was I supposed to say? It was... 490 00:28:42,440 --> 00:28:43,650 It was a phase. 491 00:28:43,734 --> 00:28:48,279 It was my lost-soul, post-college adventure phase. 492 00:28:50,032 --> 00:28:54,244 I was so embarrassed. I can't believe that she did this. 493 00:28:54,369 --> 00:28:56,080 I can't believe you did this. 494 00:28:56,872 --> 00:28:58,082 I mean, who are you? 495 00:28:58,207 --> 00:29:01,418 I feel like I'm in a Bourne movie. Have you killed? 496 00:29:02,127 --> 00:29:03,754 (SOBBING) 497 00:29:03,879 --> 00:29:06,924 Oh, Jesus. Oh, no. Baby. Stop. Stop, stop. 498 00:29:07,091 --> 00:29:08,383 Come on. Come on. 499 00:29:08,466 --> 00:29:10,052 (SHUSHING) 500 00:29:10,135 --> 00:29:11,220 Okay. 501 00:29:11,302 --> 00:29:12,971 You should break up with me. 502 00:29:13,097 --> 00:29:15,473 - What? - You didn't sign up for this. 503 00:29:15,599 --> 00:29:19,352 Okay, stop it. Stop it. Come on. Shh. It's okay. 504 00:29:19,728 --> 00:29:21,146 Okay? 505 00:29:21,312 --> 00:29:22,439 Okay? 506 00:29:25,567 --> 00:29:28,278 "Witness states, Piper Chapman carried drug money. 507 00:29:28,361 --> 00:29:30,447 "Piper Chapman was part of the ring." 508 00:29:30,572 --> 00:29:31,782 Were you? 509 00:29:33,117 --> 00:29:34,492 I was 22. 510 00:29:35,577 --> 00:29:37,788 I thought that I was in love. 511 00:29:38,496 --> 00:29:40,165 I was in love. 512 00:29:40,290 --> 00:29:42,459 And it was all crazy. 513 00:29:42,542 --> 00:29:46,838 And then it got scary, 514 00:29:46,964 --> 00:29:48,423 and I ran away, 515 00:29:48,506 --> 00:29:52,302 and I became the nice blonde lady that I was supposed to be. 516 00:29:52,469 --> 00:29:57,599 I knew that she wasn't a good person, but fuck her! 517 00:29:59,350 --> 00:30:03,021 Fuck her! This is not gonna be okay. 518 00:30:04,606 --> 00:30:05,857 - No. - No. 519 00:30:06,024 --> 00:30:07,317 - It's not. - Mmm-mmm. 520 00:30:12,948 --> 00:30:15,993 But we'll deal with it, okay? 521 00:30:18,662 --> 00:30:20,413 We'll figure it out. 522 00:30:21,290 --> 00:30:22,499 Have you called a lawyer? 523 00:30:23,583 --> 00:30:25,335 - No. - I'll call my dad. 524 00:30:25,418 --> 00:30:27,879 No! No. Please don't call your dad. He already hates me. 525 00:30:28,005 --> 00:30:31,216 Yeah, well, I love you. 526 00:30:31,341 --> 00:30:37,139 And, and he loves me, so, here we go. 527 00:30:37,806 --> 00:30:39,808 All right, we gotta hustle, 'cause the count's soon. 528 00:30:39,891 --> 00:30:42,311 Uh, rooms are there. Dorms are down there. 529 00:30:42,393 --> 00:30:44,354 Now, you are not allowed down there. 530 00:30:44,437 --> 00:30:46,523 It's out of bounds for you guys until you get assigned there. 531 00:30:46,648 --> 00:30:48,233 You understand? 532 00:30:48,358 --> 00:30:49,901 Namaste, Jones! 533 00:30:50,027 --> 00:30:51,028 Namaste! 534 00:30:51,111 --> 00:30:52,904 She teaches yoga if you ever want. 535 00:30:53,030 --> 00:30:55,115 And she's good. She's very spiritual. 536 00:30:55,199 --> 00:30:57,034 All right, we got some offices here. 537 00:30:57,117 --> 00:31:00,204 This is the dining hall, common room, counselor's office. 538 00:31:00,329 --> 00:31:01,830 Who you got for a counselor? 539 00:31:01,913 --> 00:31:03,248 Uh, Healy. 540 00:31:03,373 --> 00:31:04,541 Okay. Yeah. 541 00:31:04,666 --> 00:31:05,709 What? 542 00:31:05,792 --> 00:31:08,503 Nah, it's fine. It's fine. He does his paperwork. That's a good thing. 543 00:31:09,754 --> 00:31:11,673 When do we get outfits like everybody? 544 00:31:11,756 --> 00:31:14,218 I don't know. Maybe tomorrow after breakfast. 545 00:31:14,343 --> 00:31:16,553 You go down, you speak to the lady... 546 00:31:17,095 --> 00:31:18,096 (GASPS) 547 00:31:18,555 --> 00:31:19,681 What the fuck? 548 00:31:20,932 --> 00:31:21,975 Friend of yours? 549 00:31:22,976 --> 00:31:25,520 No. It's my mom. 550 00:31:26,521 --> 00:31:30,108 All right, Chapman, Diaz, this is you. 551 00:31:30,234 --> 00:31:32,443 DeMarco, this is Chapman. She's new. 552 00:31:32,569 --> 00:31:33,987 Self-surrender. You show her what's what? 553 00:31:34,071 --> 00:31:35,280 Sure. 554 00:31:35,405 --> 00:31:38,491 Okay, Mendoza, this is Diaz. Go, go. She'll help you. 555 00:31:38,575 --> 00:31:39,617 (SPEAKING IN SPANISH) 556 00:31:41,703 --> 00:31:43,163 Um, I don't speak Spanish. 557 00:31:44,164 --> 00:31:45,957 Great. Another fucking coconut. 558 00:31:46,083 --> 00:31:48,210 What's the matter with your mother, she don't teach you Spanish? 559 00:31:50,795 --> 00:31:55,092 Here. Here's some tissues. First night's always hard. 560 00:31:55,759 --> 00:31:59,429 And a toothbrush. They don't give you one. 561 00:32:00,471 --> 00:32:02,640 Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you for everything. 562 00:32:02,766 --> 00:32:05,435 Aw! No, no. It's no problem. We look out for our own. 563 00:32:06,895 --> 00:32:07,979 Our own? 564 00:32:08,105 --> 00:32:12,192 Oh, don't get all PC on me. It's tribal, not racist. I'll see you around. 565 00:32:19,074 --> 00:32:20,117 Tell me your name again? 566 00:32:20,200 --> 00:32:23,203 Piper. Chapman. 567 00:32:23,703 --> 00:32:24,829 That's Miss Rosa. 568 00:32:26,123 --> 00:32:29,500 And that's Nichols. Just got out of SHU a week ago. 569 00:32:29,626 --> 00:32:33,046 Told a CO to kiss her ass. Dumb. 570 00:32:33,130 --> 00:32:35,090 Why make trouble for yourself, you know? 571 00:32:35,173 --> 00:32:36,925 SHU. That's solitary? 572 00:32:37,008 --> 00:32:40,095 Yep. And you don't want it, honey. Trust me. 573 00:32:40,637 --> 00:32:43,014 Here's some toilet paper. You gotta take it with you. 574 00:32:43,974 --> 00:32:46,184 Thanks. What's that thing? 575 00:32:47,894 --> 00:32:51,481 Oh, that's my machine. I need it at night. 576 00:32:51,606 --> 00:32:53,524 When I first got here, I had a massive heart attack. 577 00:32:55,277 --> 00:32:56,320 Do you know about the count? 578 00:32:56,403 --> 00:32:58,071 Wait, can you go back to the heart attack? 579 00:32:58,155 --> 00:32:59,323 I don't like to dwell. 580 00:32:59,489 --> 00:33:01,491 How do I make a phone call? 581 00:33:01,616 --> 00:33:05,787 You need a PAC number. Fill out a form. Whole rigmarole. 582 00:33:05,870 --> 00:33:08,539 But maybe Caputo will let you make a call later. 583 00:33:08,665 --> 00:33:10,625 It helps if you cry. (CLICKS TONGUE) 584 00:33:14,254 --> 00:33:15,380 Don't make your bed! 585 00:33:15,505 --> 00:33:16,506 What? 586 00:33:16,589 --> 00:33:18,008 We'll make it for you. 587 00:33:18,133 --> 00:33:19,676 Oh, no, that's okay. You don't need to do that. 588 00:33:19,884 --> 00:33:20,885 Honey! 589 00:33:21,761 --> 00:33:25,182 (ENUNCIATING) We'll make the bed. 590 00:33:25,265 --> 00:33:26,266 We know how. 591 00:33:27,267 --> 00:33:28,393 I know how to make a bed. 592 00:33:28,518 --> 00:33:30,770 We know how to do it so we'll pass inspection. 593 00:33:30,854 --> 00:33:34,941 You can help clean. We clean everything with Maxi Pads. 594 00:33:35,525 --> 00:33:36,526 Seriously? 595 00:33:36,693 --> 00:33:39,154 Yep. It's a head-scratcher, but that's what we got. 596 00:33:39,863 --> 00:33:41,865 So, we make our beds in the morning before they... 597 00:33:41,990 --> 00:33:45,743 No. You sleep on top of the bed. With a blanket over you. 598 00:33:46,370 --> 00:33:47,871 What if I want to sleep in the bed? 599 00:33:47,996 --> 00:33:50,165 Look, you can do what you want, 600 00:33:50,248 --> 00:33:53,377 but you will be the only one in this entire prison that does. 601 00:33:53,502 --> 00:33:56,254 You want that? Be my guest. 602 00:33:56,380 --> 00:33:59,299 GUARD: Count time! Count time! Count time, ladies! 603 00:33:59,716 --> 00:34:02,552 That light comes on, you need to be where you're supposed to be, 604 00:34:02,677 --> 00:34:06,223 and you don't move until it goes off. Dinner's after. 605 00:34:07,307 --> 00:34:09,393 Hey, blanca. You speak Spanish? 606 00:34:10,227 --> 00:34:13,104 Un poco. Entiendo mas de lo que puedo hablar. 607 00:34:13,688 --> 00:34:17,067 You see, fucking white girl speaks Spanish. 608 00:34:21,988 --> 00:34:24,408 (CLICKING) 609 00:34:31,998 --> 00:34:33,041 So? 610 00:34:33,250 --> 00:34:34,501 (WHISPERS) Shh. Wait. 611 00:34:35,460 --> 00:34:37,003 (CLICKING) 612 00:34:46,096 --> 00:34:47,347 Dinner's at 4:30? 613 00:34:47,472 --> 00:34:49,307 O'NEILL: Recount, ladies! 614 00:34:50,225 --> 00:34:52,561 (FRUSTRATED GRUNT) They always screw it up. 615 00:34:52,643 --> 00:34:54,563 How hard is it to fucking count? 616 00:34:54,645 --> 00:34:56,565 Nicky, this is uh... 617 00:34:56,689 --> 00:34:58,108 Piper. Uh, Chapman. 618 00:34:59,234 --> 00:35:01,111 Look at you, blondie. What'd you do? 619 00:35:01,194 --> 00:35:03,863 Aren't you not supposed to ask that question? 620 00:35:03,947 --> 00:35:05,615 I read that you're not supposed to ask that. 621 00:35:06,450 --> 00:35:07,867 You read that? 622 00:35:08,659 --> 00:35:11,246 - What, you studied for prison? - (LAUGHS) 623 00:35:13,664 --> 00:35:14,874 (CLICKING) 624 00:35:20,297 --> 00:35:21,298 What did you do? 625 00:35:21,423 --> 00:35:23,007 MAN: I can't understand your French. 626 00:35:23,133 --> 00:35:25,969 Mon bag! Bag! 627 00:35:26,052 --> 00:35:27,471 My bag hasn't arrived. 628 00:35:27,637 --> 00:35:30,474 Oh! The bags do not make it onto the right flight sometime. 629 00:35:30,557 --> 00:35:32,517 Wait for the next shuttle from Paris. 630 00:35:32,642 --> 00:35:34,436 It's probably on that plane. 631 00:35:59,127 --> 00:36:00,504 (YELPS) 632 00:36:00,587 --> 00:36:02,339 Mon bag! 633 00:36:02,422 --> 00:36:03,507 My bag. 634 00:36:05,383 --> 00:36:07,511 (THANKING IN FRENCH) 635 00:36:07,760 --> 00:36:09,012 (SPEAKING IN SPANISH) 636 00:36:17,687 --> 00:36:19,189 - Bonjour. - Oh! Bonjour. 637 00:36:20,357 --> 00:36:23,193 Welcome to Belgium. All good? 638 00:36:24,819 --> 00:36:26,696 I was starting to worry. Where did you come from? 639 00:36:26,821 --> 00:36:27,822 Over there. 640 00:36:28,906 --> 00:36:30,116 You didn't go through customs? 641 00:36:30,283 --> 00:36:32,619 No, I just walked out of that door and it brought me right here. 642 00:36:32,702 --> 00:36:36,789 You skipped customs? Holy shit! It's genius. 643 00:36:36,914 --> 00:36:39,501 - Well, should I go back? - Fuck, no. We're going to the hotel. 644 00:36:39,584 --> 00:36:41,794 I'm gonna eat you for dinner. 645 00:36:42,920 --> 00:36:45,882 Alex, I was so freaked out when the bag didn't show up, I almost bailed. 646 00:36:46,049 --> 00:36:47,592 Well, it's good thing you didn't. 647 00:36:47,717 --> 00:36:49,010 There's over 50 grand in that bag. 648 00:36:49,093 --> 00:36:51,429 Kubra would have had you killed. Come on. 649 00:36:53,139 --> 00:36:55,058 Keep moving. You're blocking up the works. 650 00:37:03,900 --> 00:37:06,486 Okay, go sit there. She's a nice white lady. 651 00:37:08,279 --> 00:37:09,280 Thanks. 652 00:37:19,916 --> 00:37:21,084 Hi. 653 00:37:22,752 --> 00:37:23,920 It's okay if I sit here? 654 00:37:24,546 --> 00:37:25,755 Sure, newbie. 655 00:37:27,757 --> 00:37:28,841 I'm Jones. 656 00:37:29,509 --> 00:37:30,677 Chapman. 657 00:37:31,886 --> 00:37:33,346 You doing okay, Chapman? 658 00:37:34,097 --> 00:37:36,433 I don't really know how to answer that question. 659 00:37:37,850 --> 00:37:40,186 Everything's pretty surreal right now. 660 00:37:43,356 --> 00:37:45,316 Do you know what a mandala is? 661 00:37:45,816 --> 00:37:46,859 Um... 662 00:37:46,943 --> 00:37:49,279 Those are those round Buddhist art things. 663 00:37:49,487 --> 00:37:53,283 The Tibetan monks make them out of dyed sand 664 00:37:53,408 --> 00:37:56,911 laid out into big, beautiful designs. 665 00:37:57,287 --> 00:38:00,957 And when they're done, after days or weeks of work, 666 00:38:01,082 --> 00:38:03,126 they wipe it all away. 667 00:38:04,628 --> 00:38:07,631 Wow. That's a lot. 668 00:38:08,047 --> 00:38:12,051 Try to look at your experience here as a mandala, Chapman. 669 00:38:13,303 --> 00:38:18,308 Work hard to make something as meaningful and beautiful as you can. 670 00:38:18,391 --> 00:38:22,103 And when you're done, pack it in and know it was all temporary. 671 00:38:22,729 --> 00:38:27,066 You have to remember that. It's all temporary. 672 00:38:28,485 --> 00:38:30,278 It's all temporary. 673 00:38:31,488 --> 00:38:36,867 I'm telling you. Surviving here is all about perspective. 674 00:38:39,996 --> 00:38:41,164 Don't eat the pudding. 675 00:38:41,289 --> 00:38:43,291 What's the perspective on the pudding? 676 00:38:43,374 --> 00:38:45,543 It comes in big cans marked "Desert Storm." 677 00:38:46,461 --> 00:38:50,674 Sometimes the kitchen has to scrape the mold off the top before they serve it. 678 00:38:51,215 --> 00:38:52,467 Hi, there. 679 00:38:53,134 --> 00:38:55,928 Hi, Sister. This is Chapman. 680 00:38:56,554 --> 00:38:57,722 Sister? As in nun? 681 00:38:57,930 --> 00:39:00,308 - Mmm-hmm. - Yep. A killer nun. 682 00:39:01,100 --> 00:39:03,144 Now, stop it. She doesn't know you're joking. 683 00:39:03,227 --> 00:39:06,981 She chained herself to a flagpole at a nuclear test site. 684 00:39:11,319 --> 00:39:12,696 Amen. 685 00:39:12,779 --> 00:39:16,324 So. Now, Chapman, what's your story? 686 00:39:17,074 --> 00:39:19,160 I chained myself to a drug dealer. 687 00:39:21,245 --> 00:39:24,708 Piper, you can't be taking advice from a nun and a hippie. 688 00:39:24,915 --> 00:39:29,379 By all means, seek out the supreme wisdom of the junkie philosopher. 689 00:39:29,879 --> 00:39:31,047 I pray for you, Nicky. 690 00:39:31,297 --> 00:39:34,342 Aw. I pray for you, too, Sister. 691 00:39:34,425 --> 00:39:37,928 I lust after you, Yoga Jones, those sinewy arms. 692 00:39:38,179 --> 00:39:39,180 (LAUGHS) 693 00:39:39,263 --> 00:39:40,724 You gotta love a yoga body. 694 00:39:40,849 --> 00:39:43,393 You should come to class. Watch me chaturanga. 695 00:39:43,601 --> 00:39:45,603 That whole common room smells like farts. 696 00:39:45,729 --> 00:39:47,230 It kind of takes away the magic for me. 697 00:39:47,647 --> 00:39:48,815 You like pussy, Piper? 698 00:39:49,273 --> 00:39:51,568 Or you prefer pipe as your name suggests? 699 00:39:51,651 --> 00:39:53,903 I'm feeling some Sapphic vibes coming off you. 700 00:39:54,028 --> 00:39:55,446 Oh, leave her alone. 701 00:39:55,905 --> 00:39:56,906 (SNIFFS) 702 00:39:56,989 --> 00:39:58,074 Come on, Sister. 703 00:39:58,199 --> 00:40:00,243 You know you would've gone my way if you hadn't married Jesus. 704 00:40:07,625 --> 00:40:08,710 Thank you, Mommy. 705 00:40:11,087 --> 00:40:12,129 Thanks, Red. 706 00:40:15,341 --> 00:40:16,426 Thanks, Red. 707 00:40:19,846 --> 00:40:20,971 She's your mom? 708 00:40:21,138 --> 00:40:22,515 Ah. Maternal figurehead. 709 00:40:22,599 --> 00:40:25,351 My actual mother lives in Brazil with her boyfriend, Paolo, 710 00:40:25,435 --> 00:40:28,062 who destroys rainforests and collects photorealistic art. 711 00:40:28,145 --> 00:40:30,106 She is a cunt. I am an embarrassment. 712 00:40:30,189 --> 00:40:32,817 Hey, Red. You got one of those for me? 713 00:40:33,484 --> 00:40:35,278 You got what I asked you for? 714 00:40:35,695 --> 00:40:37,363 Uh, I'm working on it. 715 00:40:38,114 --> 00:40:42,452 So am I. Treats come when I sleep better. 716 00:40:47,916 --> 00:40:50,418 How hard is it to get me a board from the woodshop? 717 00:40:50,501 --> 00:40:52,044 Ugh. People. 718 00:40:54,297 --> 00:40:55,423 Who's this? 719 00:40:55,799 --> 00:40:59,928 This is Chapman. She's new. Self-surrender. Thinks she's fancy. 720 00:41:01,554 --> 00:41:05,308 Here, fancy. Have a yogurt. 721 00:41:09,061 --> 00:41:10,647 What do I have to do for it? 722 00:41:11,648 --> 00:41:15,485 You're new. You're one of us. Consider it a gift. 723 00:41:16,277 --> 00:41:20,448 Thank you. Thank you so much. 724 00:41:24,160 --> 00:41:26,329 (WHISPERS) The food here is disgusting. 725 00:41:36,130 --> 00:41:37,214 What? 726 00:41:37,423 --> 00:41:39,425 Did I mention that Red runs the kitchen? 727 00:41:42,136 --> 00:41:45,598 Shit. I'm sorry. 728 00:41:50,645 --> 00:41:51,980 Honey. 729 00:41:52,981 --> 00:41:55,358 I know you just got here, so you don't know what's what. 730 00:41:55,650 --> 00:41:57,234 Well, I'm gonna tell you. 731 00:41:57,360 --> 00:42:02,156 You don't like the food? It's no problem. 732 00:42:09,622 --> 00:42:13,668 Holy shit. That was an epic fuck-up. 733 00:42:16,462 --> 00:42:17,463 CAPUTO: Can I help you? 734 00:42:17,630 --> 00:42:21,551 Um, I'm Chapman. I'm new today. 735 00:42:21,759 --> 00:42:25,179 They told me I should talk to you. I don't have a PAC number. 736 00:42:25,346 --> 00:42:26,514 Who's they? 737 00:42:29,225 --> 00:42:33,604 (SOBS) Mr. Caputo, please let me call my fiancé. 738 00:42:33,730 --> 00:42:35,481 I have to let him know I'm okay. 739 00:42:37,025 --> 00:42:40,028 Two minutes. You got two minutes, that's it. 740 00:42:40,110 --> 00:42:42,196 Close the door, I don't want a run on my office. 741 00:42:42,321 --> 00:42:44,741 MAN OVER PA: Inmate Gonzalez report to the supply room. 742 00:42:50,747 --> 00:42:52,456 Dial nine to get out. 743 00:42:59,463 --> 00:43:00,924 (CELL PHONE RINGING) 744 00:43:02,633 --> 00:43:04,594 - Hello, Larry's phone. -Amy? 745 00:43:04,719 --> 00:43:06,345 - Piper? - Give me the phone. 746 00:43:06,429 --> 00:43:08,222 One second. Can I say hello? 747 00:43:08,347 --> 00:43:10,600 Amy, I only have two minutes to talk. 748 00:43:10,725 --> 00:43:13,436 Are you okay? What's it like in there? 749 00:43:13,519 --> 00:43:16,814 Howard and I brought Chinese. Larry is so upset. 750 00:43:16,940 --> 00:43:17,941 - Mom. - Let him talk, Amy. 751 00:43:18,066 --> 00:43:19,067 Ma, give me the phone. 752 00:43:19,149 --> 00:43:20,693 Amy, please let me talk to Larry. 753 00:43:20,777 --> 00:43:23,738 You know, I read that when Martha Stewart was in prison, 754 00:43:23,821 --> 00:43:25,239 she foraged for dandelions. 755 00:43:25,406 --> 00:43:26,824 Okay, Mom, please. 756 00:43:26,950 --> 00:43:29,702 - I was talking! - Amy, it's not always about you, dear. 757 00:43:29,827 --> 00:43:31,621 - What is that supposed to mean? - Piper? 758 00:43:31,704 --> 00:43:33,748 I only have a minute now. I'm calling from the guard's office. 759 00:43:33,831 --> 00:43:35,583 Hey, are you okay? What's going on? 760 00:43:35,666 --> 00:43:36,960 I love you so much. 761 00:43:37,043 --> 00:43:38,920 I love you, too. Are you okay? 762 00:43:39,003 --> 00:43:41,631 I'm wearing granny panties and I've only spoken to white people. 763 00:43:41,756 --> 00:43:44,008 (CHUCKLES) You joining the Aryan Nation? 764 00:43:44,133 --> 00:43:45,969 I don't know. But there's a nun here. 765 00:43:46,135 --> 00:43:48,304 And you're not allowed to sleep in your bed. Only on top of it. 766 00:43:48,387 --> 00:43:49,430 That's weird. 767 00:43:49,555 --> 00:43:50,598 I know, right? 768 00:43:50,681 --> 00:43:51,724 And when I got here, they gave me these 769 00:43:51,808 --> 00:43:54,102 little bars of hotel soap, but no shampoo. 770 00:43:54,477 --> 00:43:58,188 But I think that I can borrow some from other white people. 771 00:43:59,315 --> 00:44:00,858 I love you so much. 772 00:44:02,443 --> 00:44:04,946 One of my roommates had a massive heart attack when she got here. 773 00:44:05,071 --> 00:44:07,323 Okay, you are not allowed to have a heart attack. 774 00:44:08,532 --> 00:44:09,700 What did you have for dinner? 775 00:44:10,576 --> 00:44:12,620 My folks brought from The Palace. 776 00:44:12,745 --> 00:44:15,039 Oh. The Palace. 777 00:44:16,040 --> 00:44:17,667 Dinner here was scary liver. 778 00:44:18,542 --> 00:44:20,711 And I insulted the chef, 779 00:44:20,837 --> 00:44:23,213 and you're not supposed to eat the pudding 780 00:44:23,339 --> 00:44:24,715 because it's been to Desert Storm. 781 00:44:24,841 --> 00:44:27,677 Piper, listen to me. You cannot lose your shit, okay? 782 00:44:27,760 --> 00:44:30,138 I mean it. Please, please tell me you're keeping it together. 783 00:44:30,220 --> 00:44:33,099 Please, please tell me you're okay. 784 00:44:33,265 --> 00:44:36,144 - Wrap it up, Chapman. - I'm Chapman here. 785 00:44:36,352 --> 00:44:42,191 You're my Pipes, okay? And, uh, I love you, and this is only temporary. 786 00:44:43,192 --> 00:44:46,195 That's what Yoga Jones said. But it's just been one day. 787 00:44:46,278 --> 00:44:47,738 And I can't, I can't! 788 00:44:47,864 --> 00:44:50,033 Piper, you can. You so can, okay? 789 00:44:50,158 --> 00:44:53,036 You are so strong, babe. You... 790 00:44:53,119 --> 00:44:54,453 And you love adventure, right? 791 00:44:54,537 --> 00:44:56,831 That's what got you in there, and that's what's gonna get you through. 792 00:44:56,914 --> 00:45:00,835 This is all just a big adventure with liver and Yoga Jones, 793 00:45:00,918 --> 00:45:02,712 and racism. 794 00:45:02,879 --> 00:45:05,131 You can come on Friday. Please come on Friday. 795 00:45:05,213 --> 00:45:06,465 Tell my mother to come on Saturday, 796 00:45:06,549 --> 00:45:08,342 and don't tell her that you're coming on Friday, okay? 797 00:45:08,425 --> 00:45:10,218 Of course. Okay? 798 00:45:10,302 --> 00:45:12,262 Two sleeps. That's it. 799 00:45:12,388 --> 00:45:14,640 Two sleeps on top of your bed. 800 00:45:14,724 --> 00:45:16,059 And then, I will be there. 801 00:45:16,767 --> 00:45:19,395 Coming up on lights out. Say goodbye. 802 00:45:20,228 --> 00:45:21,229 I have to go. 803 00:45:21,355 --> 00:45:22,481 Hey, no crying. 804 00:45:22,565 --> 00:45:23,774 I'm not crying. 805 00:45:23,900 --> 00:45:26,110 Piper, I love you. I will see you on Friday. 806 00:45:26,234 --> 00:45:29,237 Please, be brave. Don't let anyone into your granny panties. 807 00:45:29,363 --> 00:45:30,447 I love you. 808 00:45:30,573 --> 00:45:31,866 I love you. 809 00:45:36,662 --> 00:45:39,665 Your head's not here yet. Don't worry, it'll catch up. 810 00:45:40,875 --> 00:45:43,669 In the meantime, try to get some sleep. 811 00:45:43,753 --> 00:45:46,839 Orientation is tomorrow at 9:00. 812 00:45:46,923 --> 00:45:48,674 Shampoo for you. 813 00:45:51,052 --> 00:45:53,261 I think the words you're looking for are, "Thank you." 814 00:45:53,930 --> 00:45:55,263 Thank you. 815 00:45:56,099 --> 00:45:57,307 Good night, Chapman. 816 00:46:01,562 --> 00:46:03,271 Close the door behind you. 817 00:46:11,948 --> 00:46:13,241 (UNZIPS) 818 00:46:14,242 --> 00:46:15,659 (LOTION SQUISHING) 819 00:46:21,958 --> 00:46:24,543 Chapman. Hey, Chapman. 820 00:46:24,627 --> 00:46:25,628 - What? - Rise and shine. 821 00:46:25,753 --> 00:46:26,879 What? What? 822 00:46:26,963 --> 00:46:29,715 You want time to shower and eat, you gotta get up. 823 00:46:29,840 --> 00:46:31,842 Aw, look at your eyes. 824 00:46:31,968 --> 00:46:33,343 You should put some cold water on them. 825 00:46:33,469 --> 00:46:34,762 Okay. Thanks. 826 00:46:34,845 --> 00:46:36,472 Take a nice shower, get dressed, 827 00:46:36,597 --> 00:46:38,808 you'll start to feel normal soon enough. 828 00:46:39,391 --> 00:46:41,102 - You got flip-flops? - No. 829 00:46:41,644 --> 00:46:45,064 Oh, honey. There's wicked fungus in the showers. 830 00:46:55,365 --> 00:46:57,493 (TAYSTEE SINGING) 831 00:46:57,743 --> 00:46:59,203 (INDISTINCT TALKING) 832 00:47:01,371 --> 00:47:02,581 (WOMAN SPEAKS SPANISH) 833 00:47:02,999 --> 00:47:05,001 WOMAN: You're driving me crazy! 834 00:47:13,968 --> 00:47:15,052 - Boo! - (STARTLED GASP) 835 00:47:36,949 --> 00:47:39,160 Everyone gets a piece of fruit at breakfast. 836 00:47:39,243 --> 00:47:42,454 I'm telling you, it'll all start to feel normal, soon. Really. 837 00:47:43,039 --> 00:47:45,666 - You hungry? - I'm starving. Excuse me. 838 00:47:45,833 --> 00:47:47,375 - Such pretty hair. - Thank you. 839 00:47:47,584 --> 00:47:48,627 When those roots start to show, 840 00:47:48,711 --> 00:47:50,046 be sure to come and see me, okay? 841 00:47:50,129 --> 00:47:51,881 I'll take good care of you. 842 00:47:52,006 --> 00:47:54,842 But even if you don't come to me, don't go to Danita. 843 00:47:54,925 --> 00:47:58,428 She'll burn the shit out of your scalp. Go. Line's moving. 844 00:47:59,555 --> 00:48:00,848 Wait, Chapman? Are you Chapman? 845 00:48:00,973 --> 00:48:02,058 Yes. 846 00:48:05,978 --> 00:48:07,938 Red says she made that special for you. 847 00:48:08,064 --> 00:48:11,067 Wow. Thanks. Tell her I said thanks. 848 00:48:11,234 --> 00:48:13,152 I don't say nothing. I'm just working. Next. 849 00:48:15,029 --> 00:48:16,072 NICKY: Man, I'm telling you, 850 00:48:16,197 --> 00:48:19,075 before my teeth got knocked out, I had this awesome gap. 851 00:48:19,158 --> 00:48:20,993 Now they look like Chiclets, look. 852 00:48:21,118 --> 00:48:23,037 You're crazy. Your fake teeth are beautiful. 853 00:48:23,120 --> 00:48:24,830 Bet you never get the food stuck in them. 854 00:48:24,914 --> 00:48:26,623 So, you got the nice fresh breath all the time. 855 00:48:26,749 --> 00:48:27,708 It's minty. It's beautiful. 856 00:48:27,791 --> 00:48:29,752 It's like God put them in you every day. 857 00:48:29,835 --> 00:48:31,254 A summer breeze coming over here. 858 00:48:31,419 --> 00:48:33,923 - Yeah? You like that? - LORNA: Always smell... Yeah. Yeah. 859 00:48:35,216 --> 00:48:36,675 Oh. Oh! 860 00:48:36,800 --> 00:48:38,052 What did you do? 861 00:48:38,135 --> 00:48:39,636 She insulted the food in front of Red. 862 00:48:39,803 --> 00:48:42,098 Oh, jeez. I don't think you're gonna be eating for a while. 863 00:48:42,223 --> 00:48:43,182 (LAUGHS) 864 00:48:43,266 --> 00:48:47,186 Oh! Put it away. I'm enjoying menopause very much, thank you. 865 00:48:48,271 --> 00:48:50,773 You gotta figure out how to make things right with Red. 866 00:48:50,940 --> 00:48:52,816 And yeah, yeah. You gotta go down to laundry. 867 00:48:52,942 --> 00:48:55,443 Don't forget that. And check the elastic on all the pants. 868 00:48:55,569 --> 00:48:57,321 Don't let them get you stretched-out garbage. 869 00:48:57,445 --> 00:48:59,573 Orientation starts in 10 minutes. 870 00:48:59,656 --> 00:49:01,951 At least you had a nice shower this morning, right? 871 00:49:02,034 --> 00:49:03,286 I think I saw you in there? 872 00:49:05,371 --> 00:49:06,414 (LAUGHS) 873 00:49:07,455 --> 00:49:11,127 I don't... I don't know. Excuse me. 874 00:49:11,210 --> 00:49:13,461 Hey! Hey, hey, don't forget, you gotta bus your tray. 875 00:49:16,257 --> 00:49:17,591 (ALL LAUGHING) 876 00:49:20,136 --> 00:49:22,012 Where's she going with that tray? 877 00:49:22,138 --> 00:49:23,180 Can't take them out of here. 878 00:49:23,347 --> 00:49:24,472 Yeah, she'll figure it out. 879 00:49:24,681 --> 00:49:26,309 Was she really in the shower this morning? 880 00:49:29,019 --> 00:49:30,478 (PANTING) 881 00:49:36,693 --> 00:49:37,987 (BREATHING HEAVILY) 882 00:49:47,830 --> 00:49:49,832 Maybe this is a bad time to say hi, huh? 883 00:49:49,957 --> 00:49:51,499 (SCREAMS) 884 00:49:54,837 --> 00:49:56,172 (SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)