1 00:00:06,935 --> 00:00:09,271 I've always loved getting clean. 2 00:00:10,563 --> 00:00:12,149 I love baths. 3 00:00:13,400 --> 00:00:15,361 I love showers. 4 00:00:22,034 --> 00:00:23,869 It's my happy place. 5 00:00:30,376 --> 00:00:32,127 Was my happy place. 6 00:00:40,302 --> 00:00:43,389 All inmates in D dorm must be checked for lice. 7 00:00:43,680 --> 00:00:47,184 Repeat, all inmates in D dorm must be checked for lice. 8 00:00:49,644 --> 00:00:52,647 Oh, I'll be out in a sec. I swear. 9 00:00:52,731 --> 00:00:56,902 I'll wait. There best be some hot water left. 10 00:00:57,069 --> 00:00:59,238 There wasn't very much when I started. 11 00:01:00,989 --> 00:01:02,908 Man, hurry! 12 00:01:03,033 --> 00:01:05,911 All right, okay, okay. 13 00:01:06,036 --> 00:01:08,080 I'm done. I'm out. I'm totally out. 14 00:01:08,205 --> 00:01:10,040 Damn, you got some nice titties. 15 00:01:11,208 --> 00:01:13,626 - Thank you. - You got them TV titties. 16 00:01:13,752 --> 00:01:16,963 They stand up on they own all perky and everything. 17 00:01:17,089 --> 00:01:18,631 Okay. 18 00:01:20,259 --> 00:01:23,803 You know they sell flip-flops at the commissary. 19 00:01:24,346 --> 00:01:26,098 My money's not in yet, so. 20 00:01:26,223 --> 00:01:29,809 You creative. I give you that, high-tits. 21 00:01:31,103 --> 00:01:33,272 Now get the fuck out the way. 22 00:01:33,604 --> 00:01:34,647 Okay. 23 00:03:07,669 --> 00:03:09,755 So, there's an entire pig in there? 24 00:03:10,005 --> 00:03:11,006 Yes. 25 00:03:11,132 --> 00:03:12,549 For four of us? 26 00:03:12,925 --> 00:03:16,137 It's a small pig. I really wanted to use the box. 27 00:03:16,262 --> 00:03:17,721 It was my birthday present. 28 00:03:18,055 --> 00:03:19,974 She's guilty she's leaving. 29 00:03:20,099 --> 00:03:21,475 It's a guilt pig-roasting box. 30 00:03:21,600 --> 00:03:23,351 At least you get something. 31 00:03:23,477 --> 00:03:26,188 I'm not getting laid for a year, too, but what do I get? 32 00:03:26,772 --> 00:03:27,815 A baby? 33 00:03:27,940 --> 00:03:29,233 But you can't eat it. 34 00:03:30,985 --> 00:03:33,988 - Are we really gonna eat that? - It's thematic. 35 00:03:34,071 --> 00:03:35,739 You're not serving time in Cuba. 36 00:03:36,073 --> 00:03:37,449 Pigs. Cops. 37 00:03:41,745 --> 00:03:43,956 How the fuck are you going to jail tomorrow? 38 00:03:44,623 --> 00:03:46,458 Prison, not jail. 39 00:03:47,709 --> 00:03:49,170 You're missing my shower. 40 00:03:49,920 --> 00:03:51,546 Polly, I'm really sorry. 41 00:03:52,923 --> 00:03:54,216 I know. 42 00:03:57,178 --> 00:04:00,347 You focus on how you're gonna maintain your eyebrows behind bars. 43 00:04:00,931 --> 00:04:03,683 You may not come back with a unibrow. 44 00:04:05,978 --> 00:04:07,021 Am I allowed to cry? 45 00:04:07,104 --> 00:04:09,690 No. Seriously, no. 46 00:04:10,440 --> 00:04:14,987 Okay, we are ready. Everybody inside. 47 00:04:15,445 --> 00:04:16,613 - Need a hoist? - Yeah. 48 00:04:16,697 --> 00:04:18,282 Big girl. 49 00:04:18,615 --> 00:04:20,408 On to the last supper. 50 00:04:23,537 --> 00:04:25,497 - We got to do it. - I know. 51 00:04:27,041 --> 00:04:28,834 God, we really should not have eaten so much. 52 00:04:28,917 --> 00:04:31,337 I know. Come on, we gotta rally. 53 00:04:31,503 --> 00:04:32,587 Okay. 54 00:04:32,713 --> 00:04:35,883 - Make some memories, you know? - Yeah. 55 00:04:36,008 --> 00:04:38,719 You need spank-bank material. 56 00:04:39,011 --> 00:04:41,805 Oh, well, I mean, when you say it like that. 57 00:04:53,567 --> 00:04:55,694 - Wait, I got... - What? 58 00:04:55,777 --> 00:04:57,905 - I gotta pee. - What? No. 59 00:04:57,988 --> 00:04:59,031 - Yeah. - Really? 60 00:04:59,114 --> 00:05:01,242 I just... 61 00:05:02,117 --> 00:05:04,661 I'll be... I'll be right back. 62 00:05:08,749 --> 00:05:09,875 Hey. 63 00:05:10,667 --> 00:05:11,710 Yeah? 64 00:05:12,961 --> 00:05:14,213 You look beautiful. 65 00:05:16,631 --> 00:05:17,841 Thanks. 66 00:05:30,896 --> 00:05:32,273 Oh, shit. 67 00:06:32,374 --> 00:06:33,499 What? 68 00:06:37,338 --> 00:06:39,340 You look beautiful, too. 69 00:06:44,011 --> 00:06:47,055 Come on. Get in. 70 00:07:08,618 --> 00:07:09,953 Hey. You're crying. 71 00:07:12,498 --> 00:07:13,707 Just fuck me. 72 00:07:13,790 --> 00:07:15,042 Piper. 73 00:07:15,125 --> 00:07:16,793 Shut up. 74 00:07:16,877 --> 00:07:20,088 Please. Please. 75 00:07:23,133 --> 00:07:24,385 Okay. 76 00:08:04,425 --> 00:08:05,675 No visiting today. 77 00:08:05,759 --> 00:08:09,096 Hi, um, I'm here to surrender. 78 00:08:09,221 --> 00:08:10,764 Oh, okay, then. 79 00:08:15,143 --> 00:08:16,770 Did he look surprised to you? 80 00:08:16,853 --> 00:08:19,481 When I said that I was here to surrender? Didn't he look surprised? 81 00:08:19,606 --> 00:08:21,358 Like, "What the hell is she doing here?" 82 00:08:22,109 --> 00:08:25,112 - I didn't notice. - Well, he looked surprised to me. 83 00:08:27,781 --> 00:08:31,910 I look like shit. My eyes are all puffy. 84 00:08:31,993 --> 00:08:33,078 You're worried about how you look? 85 00:08:33,161 --> 00:08:34,288 Well, they're gonna know that I was crying. 86 00:08:34,371 --> 00:08:36,039 It's a sign of weakness. You can't show any weakness. 87 00:08:36,123 --> 00:08:37,499 That's what all of the books said. 88 00:08:37,624 --> 00:08:38,708 Oh, sweetie... 89 00:08:38,792 --> 00:08:40,627 Don't call me sweetie. 90 00:08:40,710 --> 00:08:42,129 Oh, Leonard. 91 00:08:43,130 --> 00:08:44,798 That's better. 92 00:08:50,971 --> 00:08:52,931 I can't take it with me. 93 00:08:56,268 --> 00:08:58,270 Oh, okay. Right. 94 00:09:01,273 --> 00:09:02,608 What are you doing? 95 00:09:02,690 --> 00:09:03,733 What? 96 00:09:03,817 --> 00:09:05,193 You can't put that in your pocket. 97 00:09:05,319 --> 00:09:07,237 It's gonna end up at the bottom of the washing machine. 98 00:09:07,321 --> 00:09:08,989 Okay. Um... 99 00:09:09,114 --> 00:09:10,449 Where would you like me to put it then, Piper? 100 00:09:10,532 --> 00:09:11,992 Up your ass. 101 00:09:12,576 --> 00:09:15,329 There's no room. Apparently, my head's already up there. 102 00:09:16,246 --> 00:09:17,581 I'm sorry. 103 00:09:20,626 --> 00:09:21,751 It's okay. 104 00:09:25,005 --> 00:09:26,256 You know what? 105 00:09:27,508 --> 00:09:30,760 I'm gonna put it in my wallet. Okay? 106 00:09:30,844 --> 00:09:35,182 And when I get home, I will put it in your jewelry box. 107 00:09:35,974 --> 00:09:37,934 Until I'm short on rent, then I may hock it. 108 00:09:38,018 --> 00:09:41,438 But I'll try to get it back before you're out. 109 00:09:47,819 --> 00:09:48,945 We should go. 110 00:09:49,571 --> 00:09:50,697 Okay. 111 00:09:53,867 --> 00:09:55,536 Okay. 112 00:09:56,828 --> 00:09:58,038 Self-surrender. 113 00:09:58,163 --> 00:09:59,914 Yeah, well, no one told me either. 114 00:10:00,040 --> 00:10:01,333 Available guards... 115 00:10:01,416 --> 00:10:03,293 Got the paperwork right here. 116 00:10:03,377 --> 00:10:05,379 Name is Chapman. 117 00:10:06,129 --> 00:10:11,552 Yeah. Chap, like when your lips get all dry they're chapped. 118 00:10:11,843 --> 00:10:12,844 Have a seat. 119 00:10:16,348 --> 00:10:18,308 Piper. Rhymes with sniper. 120 00:10:18,392 --> 00:10:21,102 Inmate Robinson to the visitor area. 121 00:10:24,898 --> 00:10:26,191 You hungry? 122 00:10:26,274 --> 00:10:27,442 Not really. 123 00:10:27,568 --> 00:10:29,236 Guard Thomson to the tower. 124 00:10:29,361 --> 00:10:30,487 Eat anyway. 125 00:10:31,029 --> 00:10:32,531 It's burrata. 126 00:10:33,907 --> 00:10:35,242 Thank you. 127 00:10:39,787 --> 00:10:43,750 My mother told her friends I'm doing volunteer work in Africa. 128 00:10:45,711 --> 00:10:49,089 I bet they're all appalled that you've gone somewhere so filthy and dangerous. 129 00:10:52,217 --> 00:10:56,680 So I never carried drugs. Just money. 130 00:10:57,556 --> 00:10:58,932 You were a lesbian? 131 00:10:59,600 --> 00:11:01,059 At the time. 132 00:11:02,018 --> 00:11:03,103 You still a lesbian? 133 00:11:03,729 --> 00:11:05,146 No, I'm not still a lesbian. 134 00:11:05,480 --> 00:11:06,607 You sure? 135 00:11:08,024 --> 00:11:12,237 I once kissed Mary Straley when I was at Miss Porter's school. 136 00:11:12,320 --> 00:11:13,614 But it wasn't for me. 137 00:11:13,947 --> 00:11:14,989 Wow. 138 00:11:15,865 --> 00:11:16,950 Did you know about all this? 139 00:11:17,117 --> 00:11:20,454 No. No, no, I didn't. 140 00:11:22,163 --> 00:11:25,041 I mean, she told me how she traveled after college, 141 00:11:25,125 --> 00:11:27,294 but she failed to mention the lesbian lover 142 00:11:27,419 --> 00:11:29,254 who ran an international drug smuggling ring. 143 00:11:29,337 --> 00:11:31,005 Imagine my surprise. 144 00:11:32,006 --> 00:11:34,134 What on earth did you do with the money? 145 00:11:34,301 --> 00:11:37,137 Well, Grandmother, I wasn't really in it for the money. 146 00:11:37,887 --> 00:11:40,432 Oh, Piper, for heaven's sake! 147 00:11:45,228 --> 00:11:47,648 So this is my last post as a free woman. 148 00:11:47,773 --> 00:11:50,108 - What are you gonna write? - Hey! 149 00:11:50,191 --> 00:11:52,444 Oh, no. You cannot have a phone in here. 150 00:11:52,527 --> 00:11:54,488 This is a federal facility. You have to take that out. 151 00:11:54,613 --> 00:11:56,906 Oh, can I? Am I allowed to go out? 152 00:11:56,990 --> 00:11:58,032 He can take it out. 153 00:11:58,158 --> 00:12:00,535 So no phone? 154 00:12:00,661 --> 00:12:02,203 - You knew that. - Now. 155 00:12:02,329 --> 00:12:04,164 Oh, my God, Larry, by the time I get out 156 00:12:04,289 --> 00:12:06,625 there'll have been, like, three new generations of iPhones. 157 00:12:06,708 --> 00:12:09,503 Sir, I can get an officer to escort you out. 158 00:12:09,586 --> 00:12:13,256 No, I'm going. It's okay, I'm going, okay? I'll be right back, okay? 159 00:12:13,340 --> 00:12:16,384 I'll take the phone to the car, I'll be right back. 160 00:12:16,510 --> 00:12:17,719 Okay? Two seconds. 161 00:12:17,843 --> 00:12:19,262 - Yeah? - Okay. 162 00:12:20,846 --> 00:12:22,223 Two seconds. 163 00:12:25,519 --> 00:12:26,687 - Chapman! - Yes. 164 00:12:28,021 --> 00:12:31,024 Yes, that's me. But you have to wait. 165 00:12:31,107 --> 00:12:32,359 You're telling me what I have to do? 166 00:12:33,443 --> 00:12:35,362 Get your ass over here, Chapman, now. Move it. 167 00:12:35,445 --> 00:12:36,571 He's, he's gonna be right back. 168 00:12:36,697 --> 00:12:37,863 We've been waiting here for two hours. 169 00:12:37,989 --> 00:12:39,324 And the wait is over. 170 00:12:39,407 --> 00:12:40,866 Here's your temporary ID, 171 00:12:40,950 --> 00:12:43,495 you'll stick this on your uniform when we get to that. Now... 172 00:12:43,578 --> 00:12:45,539 - Here. I'm here. Here I am. - Here he is. 173 00:12:45,664 --> 00:12:47,833 - Who's this? - My fiancé. 174 00:12:47,915 --> 00:12:49,167 Yeah? Good luck with that. 175 00:12:49,250 --> 00:12:50,377 Excuse me? 176 00:12:50,460 --> 00:12:52,212 - Any personal items? - Here. 177 00:12:55,965 --> 00:12:57,175 You can't take this check. 178 00:12:57,258 --> 00:12:59,427 But we called last week. And they told me to bring it. 179 00:12:59,553 --> 00:13:00,721 He has to send it to Iowa. 180 00:13:00,804 --> 00:13:02,222 It takes a few weeks to process. 181 00:13:02,305 --> 00:13:04,850 A few weeks? Doesn't she need to buy things? 182 00:13:04,932 --> 00:13:06,017 How it is. 183 00:13:07,310 --> 00:13:08,520 Where do we send it? 184 00:13:08,770 --> 00:13:11,398 Hey, you got that Iowa address? 185 00:13:12,315 --> 00:13:15,402 Any Nudie Judies in here? Skin pics? Naughty stuff? 186 00:13:15,527 --> 00:13:17,780 No. No Nudie Judies. 187 00:13:18,321 --> 00:13:21,032 Time to say goodbye. It might be a while till you can visit, fiancé. 188 00:13:23,827 --> 00:13:24,910 I love you so much. 189 00:13:25,036 --> 00:13:26,037 I love you, too! 190 00:13:26,621 --> 00:13:28,206 - I'll call you as soon as I can. - Okay. 191 00:13:28,289 --> 00:13:30,458 Okay? Please send that check immediately. 192 00:13:30,625 --> 00:13:31,917 Okay. I will. 193 00:13:32,001 --> 00:13:34,254 I love you. Please keep my website updated. 194 00:13:34,379 --> 00:13:35,422 I love you so much. 195 00:13:37,923 --> 00:13:38,924 It's okay. 196 00:13:48,602 --> 00:13:49,935 It's okay. 197 00:14:01,782 --> 00:14:04,117 - What size shoe are you? - Nine and a half, ten. 198 00:14:10,039 --> 00:14:11,458 These are kinda like Toms. 199 00:14:11,541 --> 00:14:14,294 - Who's Tom? - Toms are shoes. 200 00:14:14,419 --> 00:14:17,547 When you buy a pair, the company gives another to a child in need. 201 00:14:17,631 --> 00:14:20,091 They're great. And they come in lots of different colors and... 202 00:14:20,174 --> 00:14:21,468 How nice. 203 00:14:23,470 --> 00:14:24,471 Strip. 204 00:14:47,118 --> 00:14:48,161 Get over here. 205 00:15:01,090 --> 00:15:02,467 Come here. 206 00:15:15,396 --> 00:15:17,273 Are you gonna miss me? 207 00:15:18,191 --> 00:15:19,526 Yes. 208 00:15:22,612 --> 00:15:23,655 Too much. 209 00:15:27,116 --> 00:15:28,242 Come with me. 210 00:15:28,994 --> 00:15:30,244 What? 211 00:15:31,204 --> 00:15:32,622 Come to Bali. 212 00:15:34,248 --> 00:15:36,250 Come with me. I mean it. I'll buy you a plane ticket. 213 00:15:40,171 --> 00:15:41,381 Are you serious? 214 00:15:43,925 --> 00:15:45,134 Yes. 215 00:15:48,262 --> 00:15:52,934 Come with me. Quit your job. Come with me. 216 00:15:53,894 --> 00:15:58,189 Well, I'd have to give notice. 217 00:15:58,272 --> 00:16:00,734 You're a fucking waitress. You don't need to give a notice. 218 00:16:01,860 --> 00:16:03,486 Will I get in trouble? 219 00:16:03,570 --> 00:16:04,654 God, I hope so. 220 00:16:09,325 --> 00:16:11,411 You know what I mean. 221 00:16:11,494 --> 00:16:13,371 You don't have to do anything. 222 00:16:14,247 --> 00:16:17,667 You're just there to keep me company, all right? 223 00:16:21,379 --> 00:16:22,881 Come on, babe. I want you to come. 224 00:16:23,590 --> 00:16:24,799 And I want you to come. 225 00:16:28,762 --> 00:16:30,597 Yes? Is that a yes? 226 00:16:30,722 --> 00:16:31,932 Yes. 227 00:16:33,641 --> 00:16:34,893 Yes. 228 00:16:35,309 --> 00:16:36,811 Open your mouth, stick out your tongue. 229 00:16:37,228 --> 00:16:39,188 Inmates, an updated facility rules with 230 00:16:39,272 --> 00:16:41,107 inmate discipline list is posted in the day room. 231 00:16:43,276 --> 00:16:44,402 Lift up your arms. 232 00:16:47,321 --> 00:16:48,615 Turn around. 233 00:16:52,285 --> 00:16:53,411 Squat. 234 00:16:56,748 --> 00:16:58,374 Spread your cheeks and cough. 235 00:17:00,752 --> 00:17:01,962 Seriously? 236 00:17:14,891 --> 00:17:16,101 That it? 237 00:17:16,183 --> 00:17:17,852 One more coming, hold on. 238 00:17:23,316 --> 00:17:24,525 My zipper's broken. 239 00:17:27,361 --> 00:17:28,488 First time down? 240 00:17:28,613 --> 00:17:29,823 My first time here? 241 00:17:30,364 --> 00:17:32,533 Oh, no, your first time in prison? 242 00:17:32,659 --> 00:17:34,953 Oh, yeah. 243 00:17:35,036 --> 00:17:37,956 It's not so bad. Everyone's okay. 244 00:17:38,039 --> 00:17:40,125 You've gotta watch out for the stealing. 245 00:17:42,335 --> 00:17:44,337 So, what's your name? Your last name. 246 00:17:44,420 --> 00:17:46,339 Everyone uses last names here. 247 00:17:46,464 --> 00:17:49,134 I'm Morello and that is Watson. 248 00:17:50,510 --> 00:17:51,552 Chapman. 249 00:17:51,678 --> 00:17:53,554 And how much time you got, Chapman? 250 00:17:54,931 --> 00:17:55,974 Fifteen months. 251 00:17:56,057 --> 00:17:58,768 Oh, that's not so bad. I got 34, 252 00:17:58,852 --> 00:18:01,187 but I'm hoping with good time it'll be less. 253 00:18:01,270 --> 00:18:05,566 You... so you're a... they let you drive? 254 00:18:05,692 --> 00:18:07,652 Well, who else is gonna do it? 255 00:18:07,735 --> 00:18:10,030 We do everything around here. 256 00:18:11,238 --> 00:18:14,701 Hey, can I ask you something? You look like you'd know. 257 00:18:14,826 --> 00:18:16,410 All right, which dress you like better? 258 00:18:16,536 --> 00:18:17,829 My top two faves are the ones 259 00:18:17,912 --> 00:18:20,206 with the half-and-half lids stuck to the pages. 260 00:18:20,289 --> 00:18:23,835 See, I want something that's gonna express my personality. 261 00:18:23,918 --> 00:18:27,296 And the trick is, I wanna show off the boobs and the ass, 262 00:18:27,380 --> 00:18:30,133 but I'm not so happy with the upper arms and the stomach, 263 00:18:30,216 --> 00:18:32,052 so there's the challenge. 264 00:18:35,180 --> 00:18:36,181 Both nice. 265 00:18:37,223 --> 00:18:38,474 That's all you gotta say? 266 00:18:41,227 --> 00:18:44,397 I gotta look good. My first dance is gonna go on YouTube. 267 00:18:44,522 --> 00:18:47,525 Look! I found a rock that looks like a penis with one ball. 268 00:18:47,608 --> 00:18:49,819 - No. - It's my Lance Armstrong rock. 269 00:18:50,361 --> 00:18:53,656 Hold it up. Let me see, let me see. Nice. 270 00:18:53,740 --> 00:18:55,491 Okay, now lick it, softly and tenderly, 271 00:18:55,575 --> 00:18:56,951 like you would've when you thought he was clean. 272 00:18:57,077 --> 00:18:58,411 Oh, Jesus! Shut that thing off. 273 00:18:58,494 --> 00:19:00,580 You're making a huge mistake. This could go viral. 274 00:19:00,747 --> 00:19:01,789 Seriously, shut it off. 275 00:19:01,915 --> 00:19:03,750 - What? - I'm so fat from all the stress-eating. 276 00:19:03,875 --> 00:19:06,419 I really don't want a record of it. 277 00:19:08,254 --> 00:19:10,590 You know, that's one thing I'm gonna do in prison. 278 00:19:10,673 --> 00:19:12,842 I'm gonna get ripped. 279 00:19:13,760 --> 00:19:15,595 Like Jackie Warner ripped. 280 00:19:16,262 --> 00:19:19,265 And I'm gonna read everything on my Amazon wish list. 281 00:19:19,390 --> 00:19:23,686 And maybe even learn a craft, you know? I could be crafty. 282 00:19:23,770 --> 00:19:25,396 I'm gonna make it count, Larry. 283 00:19:25,479 --> 00:19:28,858 I'm not gonna throw away a year of my life. 284 00:19:28,942 --> 00:19:30,401 What the hell are you looking for? 285 00:19:36,490 --> 00:19:37,951 Oh, no! 286 00:19:38,034 --> 00:19:39,119 What is that? 287 00:19:39,202 --> 00:19:40,787 Piper... 288 00:19:40,870 --> 00:19:42,663 Oh, Jesus, Larry. Why would you want... 289 00:19:42,830 --> 00:19:47,543 Why would I want a felonious, former lesbian, WASP-shiksa 290 00:19:47,627 --> 00:19:49,129 who's about to go to prison, to marry me? 291 00:19:49,254 --> 00:19:51,297 Yes. And all of the stress-eating? 292 00:19:52,257 --> 00:19:56,094 Well, because this peculiar, 293 00:19:57,303 --> 00:20:01,057 underachieving, underemployed Jew-boy loves her. 294 00:20:02,976 --> 00:20:06,312 And knows that he will never be bored, 295 00:20:07,021 --> 00:20:12,652 and can't believe how lucky he is that he met her. 296 00:20:15,613 --> 00:20:18,658 I gotta lock this shit down before you leave, Pipes. 297 00:20:21,494 --> 00:20:22,870 I love you. 298 00:20:24,330 --> 00:20:25,581 You wanna marry me? 299 00:20:26,249 --> 00:20:27,708 When I get out, right? 300 00:20:27,834 --> 00:20:29,502 Whenever you want. 301 00:20:30,461 --> 00:20:31,754 I'll be so ripped. 302 00:20:33,840 --> 00:20:37,844 You could wear a wedding dress that's like a half-shirt, you know? 303 00:20:37,927 --> 00:20:39,595 Show off those abs. 304 00:20:39,679 --> 00:20:41,181 Yeah! 305 00:20:46,811 --> 00:20:48,646 Was it your grandmother's? 306 00:20:48,813 --> 00:20:51,357 No, my mom's saving that one for my sister. 307 00:20:51,482 --> 00:20:53,901 This is my great-aunt Marcia's. 308 00:20:54,027 --> 00:20:55,486 She had thyroid cancer 309 00:20:55,569 --> 00:20:58,739 and a series of schnauzers, all named Schnapps. That's all I know. 310 00:21:00,366 --> 00:21:03,410 Put it on. I had it sized. Good. 311 00:21:08,708 --> 00:21:09,959 It's beautiful. 312 00:21:10,043 --> 00:21:11,711 And that's a "yes," right? 313 00:21:11,794 --> 00:21:13,046 Yes. 314 00:21:13,546 --> 00:21:14,672 Yeah. 315 00:21:15,298 --> 00:21:17,925 Will you say that just one more time for me? 316 00:21:18,051 --> 00:21:20,970 But, this time, just into the camera, okay? 317 00:21:21,054 --> 00:21:23,514 Oh, you asshole! 318 00:21:23,597 --> 00:21:25,474 - Come on, I had to capture the moment. - Shit. Turn it off! 319 00:21:25,558 --> 00:21:27,352 - What? - Give me that! 320 00:21:29,854 --> 00:21:32,106 Oh, you're cold. Come here. 321 00:21:32,232 --> 00:21:34,234 Bounce your legs up and down. It keeps your feet warm. 322 00:21:34,317 --> 00:21:35,526 Thanks. 323 00:21:36,819 --> 00:21:39,364 You think your man is still gonna be around when you're out? 324 00:21:39,446 --> 00:21:41,866 Yeah, he'll be there. I'm the love of his life. 325 00:21:43,617 --> 00:21:45,619 Thirty-four months is a long time. 326 00:21:46,495 --> 00:21:48,414 Yeah, but she's the love of his life! 327 00:21:49,249 --> 00:21:51,542 And who the fuck asked you? 328 00:21:51,625 --> 00:21:52,752 Head on up. 329 00:21:52,835 --> 00:21:54,379 All the gates open to one and two. 330 00:21:54,461 --> 00:21:57,757 All right, so his tie is gonna match the bridesmaids' dresses. 331 00:21:57,840 --> 00:21:59,175 There's six bridesmaids. 332 00:21:59,259 --> 00:22:01,302 My cousin's being a bitch, so I'm thinking about dropping her. 333 00:22:10,311 --> 00:22:12,105 All right, let's go. 334 00:22:37,171 --> 00:22:38,256 Hello, Miss Claudette. 335 00:22:38,339 --> 00:22:39,840 Morello. 336 00:22:42,843 --> 00:22:44,095 Watch out for that one. 337 00:22:44,178 --> 00:22:46,306 Don't get me wrong, she's a good lady, 338 00:22:46,431 --> 00:22:47,974 but you don't wanna get on her bad side. 339 00:22:48,724 --> 00:22:50,393 Go ahead. Go. 340 00:22:53,271 --> 00:22:56,023 Okay, I'm gonna send you all through to processing, 341 00:22:56,149 --> 00:22:57,482 you'll get your room assignments, 342 00:22:57,608 --> 00:23:00,694 and I'll meet you back here and show you your bunks. Okay? 343 00:23:00,820 --> 00:23:03,239 Don't look so bummed. Gonna get the wrinkles. 344 00:23:03,572 --> 00:23:06,159 All right, raise your head and look at the lens. 345 00:23:07,492 --> 00:23:09,203 Oh, crap! 346 00:23:09,578 --> 00:23:12,290 New guy, what's your name, Bennett? 347 00:23:13,040 --> 00:23:15,335 Bennett, it's not fucking working again. 348 00:23:15,460 --> 00:23:17,753 - You turn it on? - Yeah, I turned it on. 349 00:23:21,590 --> 00:23:25,052 Wait, I think I got it. Ready? 350 00:23:25,178 --> 00:23:26,511 Yeah. Yep. 351 00:23:28,014 --> 00:23:29,723 Wait, no. 352 00:23:29,849 --> 00:23:31,767 - What does this button do? - No! Don't touch that. 353 00:23:32,559 --> 00:23:34,103 Sorry, princess. 354 00:23:35,062 --> 00:23:36,230 There's a cord right there. 355 00:23:36,356 --> 00:23:39,108 Do you think that that needs to be connected to something? 356 00:23:40,443 --> 00:23:42,028 Shut your mouth and stand still. 357 00:23:46,324 --> 00:23:48,159 - She's right. - Okay, fine. 358 00:23:48,242 --> 00:23:49,369 Got it. 359 00:23:49,494 --> 00:23:50,619 I wasn't ready. 360 00:23:50,703 --> 00:23:52,663 Tough shit. Next. 361 00:23:53,039 --> 00:23:56,541 This is a TB test. Nice veins. 362 00:23:56,625 --> 00:23:58,461 - No track marks. - Thanks. 363 00:23:58,543 --> 00:24:00,254 Tattoos? 364 00:24:00,380 --> 00:24:01,630 Oh, yeah. 365 00:24:03,508 --> 00:24:05,218 Oh, a fish. You like fish? 366 00:24:07,136 --> 00:24:10,390 Saw it on a scuba diving trip. 367 00:24:10,515 --> 00:24:11,765 Thought it was beautiful. 368 00:24:11,891 --> 00:24:16,979 I don't like fish. I like pork, chicken. But it's a pretty fish. 369 00:24:18,356 --> 00:24:19,690 Thanks. 370 00:24:19,773 --> 00:24:21,234 It's gonna rub off when I sweat. 371 00:24:21,359 --> 00:24:24,404 No, it won't. It's waterproof. Stop. 372 00:24:26,571 --> 00:24:30,243 So, when this dries, you should be good to go. 373 00:24:31,994 --> 00:24:33,287 How am I gonna get it off? 374 00:24:33,413 --> 00:24:34,539 Acetone. 375 00:24:36,541 --> 00:24:38,709 Great. Alex, I don't, I don't know if I can... 376 00:24:38,792 --> 00:24:40,253 Hey. 377 00:24:40,336 --> 00:24:41,795 Hey, hey, hey. 378 00:24:47,760 --> 00:24:51,305 You are a nice blonde lady, aren't you? 379 00:24:53,933 --> 00:24:55,726 A proper young lady. 380 00:24:57,311 --> 00:25:00,356 Just picking up her sensible bag in the baggage claim 381 00:25:01,065 --> 00:25:04,444 before heading off to her mid-range hotel to go over her schedules. 382 00:25:04,569 --> 00:25:06,904 Museum visits and fancy dinners. 383 00:25:14,120 --> 00:25:17,706 It's all fine. It's all good. 384 00:25:18,916 --> 00:25:20,167 And I will meet you in Brussels, 385 00:25:20,293 --> 00:25:22,545 and everything will work out perfectly, babe. 386 00:25:22,627 --> 00:25:23,963 I promise. 387 00:25:26,090 --> 00:25:27,967 It's all gonna be okay. 388 00:25:29,427 --> 00:25:30,428 Are you okay? 389 00:25:31,429 --> 00:25:33,764 Fine. I guess. 390 00:25:36,809 --> 00:25:38,311 What's PoPi? 391 00:25:38,436 --> 00:25:39,644 Poppy. 392 00:25:41,314 --> 00:25:44,858 It's a bath products line I'd started with my friend, Polly. 393 00:25:44,984 --> 00:25:49,196 Polly and Piper. PoPi. We're gonna be in Barneys. 394 00:25:49,863 --> 00:25:50,864 Barneys? 395 00:25:51,740 --> 00:25:53,117 It's a nice store. 396 00:25:55,244 --> 00:25:58,831 It's a pretty big case. Criminal conspiracy. 397 00:25:58,956 --> 00:26:01,501 That's what they charged me with. 398 00:26:01,626 --> 00:26:04,128 I carried a suitcase of money. 399 00:26:04,211 --> 00:26:06,880 Drug money. Once. 400 00:26:07,923 --> 00:26:09,175 Ten years ago. 401 00:26:09,300 --> 00:26:10,926 What's the statute of limitations on that? 402 00:26:12,970 --> 00:26:14,180 Twelve years. 403 00:26:15,181 --> 00:26:16,516 That's tough. 404 00:26:16,641 --> 00:26:17,808 Well, 405 00:26:19,393 --> 00:26:25,274 I did it, that one time, 10 years ago. 406 00:26:25,608 --> 00:26:26,775 What did your lawyer say? 407 00:26:26,900 --> 00:26:29,320 He said with the mandatory minimums with drug crimes, 408 00:26:29,403 --> 00:26:32,156 he wouldn't recommend risking a trial. So, I pleaded out. 409 00:26:32,406 --> 00:26:33,533 And here you are. 410 00:26:34,283 --> 00:26:35,284 Here I am. 411 00:26:36,160 --> 00:26:40,039 Costing the tax payers money and sweating in my armchair. 412 00:26:40,540 --> 00:26:42,958 You know, I've been here for 22 years, 413 00:26:43,042 --> 00:26:46,379 and I still can't figure out how the system works. 414 00:26:47,046 --> 00:26:49,382 I got a crack dealer who is doing nine months, 415 00:26:49,507 --> 00:26:54,261 and then I have a lady who accidently backed into a mailman 416 00:26:54,387 --> 00:26:56,389 who is doing four years. 417 00:26:56,472 --> 00:26:58,723 I mean, the guy broke his collar bone, but come on. 418 00:26:58,807 --> 00:27:00,601 I just don't get it. 419 00:27:03,062 --> 00:27:05,105 Are you gonna barf? 420 00:27:05,231 --> 00:27:06,273 Tell me if you're gonna barf. 421 00:27:06,399 --> 00:27:07,732 Because there's a can behind you. 422 00:27:07,816 --> 00:27:09,485 I won't barf. 423 00:27:09,569 --> 00:27:12,572 I will be truly displeased if you barf anywhere but in that can. 424 00:27:13,447 --> 00:27:14,907 Not gonna barf. 425 00:27:17,076 --> 00:27:18,536 Miss Chapman, 426 00:27:20,037 --> 00:27:23,999 no one's gonna mess with you here unless you let them. 427 00:27:25,042 --> 00:27:26,793 This isn't Oz. 428 00:27:27,044 --> 00:27:29,296 Women fight with gossip and rumors. 429 00:27:29,922 --> 00:27:34,594 They might peg you for rich and try to hit you up for commissary. 430 00:27:36,136 --> 00:27:37,555 And there are lesbians. 431 00:27:39,098 --> 00:27:40,516 They're not gonna bother you. 432 00:27:40,600 --> 00:27:42,602 They'll try to be your friend, 433 00:27:42,685 --> 00:27:44,103 just stay away from them. 434 00:27:45,020 --> 00:27:51,569 I want you to understand, you do not have to have lesbian sex. 435 00:27:57,700 --> 00:27:59,368 I have a fiancé. 436 00:28:00,953 --> 00:28:02,121 His name is Larry. 437 00:28:02,204 --> 00:28:03,748 He's a writer. 438 00:28:05,583 --> 00:28:06,833 Can he come visit me? 439 00:28:06,959 --> 00:28:09,169 - Is he in here? - Yes. Everybody's in there. 440 00:28:09,295 --> 00:28:12,381 All the people in the PSI are cleared to visit. 441 00:28:12,465 --> 00:28:13,716 He can come this weekend. 442 00:28:14,634 --> 00:28:16,385 I'll make sure the list is in the visiting room. 443 00:28:16,469 --> 00:28:18,220 Thank you so much, Mr. Healy. 444 00:28:19,513 --> 00:28:23,267 You just keep to yourself. And you'll be fine. 445 00:28:23,350 --> 00:28:24,727 And don't make friends. 446 00:28:25,936 --> 00:28:31,317 And remember, nothing goes on here that I don't know about. 447 00:28:31,609 --> 00:28:34,819 You know everything about me! I tell you everything! 448 00:28:35,738 --> 00:28:38,324 The webcam horror, the penis shaving incident. 449 00:28:38,407 --> 00:28:39,742 How do I not know this? 450 00:28:39,866 --> 00:28:42,244 What was I supposed to say? It was... 451 00:28:43,036 --> 00:28:44,246 It was a phase. 452 00:28:44,330 --> 00:28:48,875 It was my lost-soul, post-college adventure phase. 453 00:28:50,628 --> 00:28:54,840 I was so embarrassed. I can't believe that she did this. 454 00:28:54,965 --> 00:28:56,676 I can't believe you did this. 455 00:28:57,468 --> 00:28:58,678 I mean, who are you? 456 00:28:58,803 --> 00:29:02,014 I feel like I'm in a Bourne movie. Have you killed? 457 00:29:04,475 --> 00:29:07,520 Oh, Jesus. Oh, no. Baby. Stop. Stop, stop. 458 00:29:07,687 --> 00:29:08,979 Come on. Come on. 459 00:29:10,731 --> 00:29:11,816 Okay. 460 00:29:11,898 --> 00:29:13,567 You should break up with me. 461 00:29:13,693 --> 00:29:16,069 - What? - You didn't sign up for this. 462 00:29:16,195 --> 00:29:19,948 Okay, stop it. Stop it. Come on. Shh. It's okay. 463 00:29:20,324 --> 00:29:21,742 Okay? 464 00:29:21,908 --> 00:29:23,035 Okay? 465 00:29:26,163 --> 00:29:28,874 "Witness states, Piper Chapman carried drug money. 466 00:29:28,957 --> 00:29:31,043 "Piper Chapman was part of the ring." 467 00:29:31,168 --> 00:29:32,378 Were you? 468 00:29:33,713 --> 00:29:35,088 I was 22. 469 00:29:36,173 --> 00:29:38,384 I thought that I was in love. 470 00:29:39,092 --> 00:29:40,761 I was in love. 471 00:29:40,886 --> 00:29:43,055 And it was all crazy. 472 00:29:43,138 --> 00:29:47,434 And then it got scary, 473 00:29:47,560 --> 00:29:49,019 and I ran away, 474 00:29:49,102 --> 00:29:52,898 and I became the nice blonde lady that I was supposed to be. 475 00:29:53,065 --> 00:29:58,195 I knew that she wasn't a good person, but fuck her! 476 00:29:59,946 --> 00:30:03,617 Fuck her! This is not gonna be okay. 477 00:30:05,202 --> 00:30:06,453 - No. - No. 478 00:30:06,620 --> 00:30:07,913 It's not. 479 00:30:13,544 --> 00:30:16,589 But we'll deal with it, okay? 480 00:30:19,258 --> 00:30:21,009 We'll figure it out. 481 00:30:21,886 --> 00:30:23,095 Have you called a lawyer? 482 00:30:24,179 --> 00:30:25,931 - No. - I'll call my dad. 483 00:30:26,014 --> 00:30:28,475 No! No. Please don't call your dad. He already hates me. 484 00:30:28,601 --> 00:30:31,812 Yeah, well, I love you. 485 00:30:31,937 --> 00:30:37,735 And, and he loves me, so, here we go. 486 00:30:38,402 --> 00:30:40,404 All right, we gotta hustle, 'cause the count's soon. 487 00:30:40,487 --> 00:30:42,907 Uh, rooms are there. Dorms are down there. 488 00:30:42,989 --> 00:30:44,950 Now, you are not allowed down there. 489 00:30:45,033 --> 00:30:47,119 It's out of bounds for you guys until you get assigned there. 490 00:30:47,244 --> 00:30:48,829 You understand? 491 00:30:48,954 --> 00:30:50,497 Namaste, Jones! 492 00:30:50,623 --> 00:30:51,624 Namaste! 493 00:30:51,707 --> 00:30:53,500 She teaches yoga if you ever want. 494 00:30:53,626 --> 00:30:55,711 And she's good. She's very spiritual. 495 00:30:55,795 --> 00:30:57,630 All right, we got some offices here. 496 00:30:57,713 --> 00:31:00,800 This is the dining hall, common room, counselor's office. 497 00:31:00,925 --> 00:31:02,426 Who you got for a counselor? 498 00:31:02,509 --> 00:31:03,844 Uh, Healy. 499 00:31:03,969 --> 00:31:05,137 Okay. Yeah. 500 00:31:05,262 --> 00:31:06,305 What? 501 00:31:06,388 --> 00:31:09,099 Nah, it's fine. It's fine. He does his paperwork. That's a good thing. 502 00:31:10,350 --> 00:31:12,269 When do we get outfits like everybody? 503 00:31:12,352 --> 00:31:14,814 I don't know. Maybe tomorrow after breakfast. 504 00:31:14,939 --> 00:31:17,149 You go down, you speak to the lady... 505 00:31:19,151 --> 00:31:20,277 What the fuck? 506 00:31:21,528 --> 00:31:22,571 Friend of yours? 507 00:31:23,572 --> 00:31:26,116 No. It's my mom. 508 00:31:27,117 --> 00:31:30,704 All right, Chapman, Diaz, this is you. 509 00:31:30,830 --> 00:31:33,039 DeMarco, this is Chapman. She's new. 510 00:31:33,165 --> 00:31:34,583 Self-surrender. You show her what's what? 511 00:31:34,667 --> 00:31:35,876 Sure. 512 00:31:36,001 --> 00:31:39,087 Okay, Mendoza, this is Diaz. Go, go. She'll help you. 513 00:31:42,299 --> 00:31:43,759 Um, I don't speak Spanish. 514 00:31:44,760 --> 00:31:46,553 Great. Another fucking coconut. 515 00:31:46,679 --> 00:31:48,806 What's the matter with your mother, she don't teach you Spanish? 516 00:31:51,391 --> 00:31:55,688 Here. Here's some tissues. First night's always hard. 517 00:31:56,355 --> 00:32:00,025 And a toothbrush. They don't give you one. 518 00:32:01,067 --> 00:32:03,236 Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you for everything. 519 00:32:03,362 --> 00:32:06,031 No, no. It's no problem. We look out for our own. 520 00:32:07,491 --> 00:32:08,575 Our own? 521 00:32:08,701 --> 00:32:12,788 Oh, don't get all PC on me. It's tribal, not racist. I'll see you around. 522 00:32:19,670 --> 00:32:20,713 Tell me your name again? 523 00:32:20,796 --> 00:32:23,799 Piper. Chapman. 524 00:32:24,299 --> 00:32:25,425 That's Miss Rosa. 525 00:32:26,719 --> 00:32:30,096 And that's Nichols. Just got out of SHU a week ago. 526 00:32:30,222 --> 00:32:33,642 Told a CO to kiss her ass. Dumb. 527 00:32:33,726 --> 00:32:35,686 Why make trouble for yourself, you know? 528 00:32:35,769 --> 00:32:37,521 SHU. That's solitary? 529 00:32:37,604 --> 00:32:40,691 Yep. And you don't want it, honey. Trust me. 530 00:32:41,233 --> 00:32:43,610 Here's some toilet paper. You gotta take it with you. 531 00:32:44,570 --> 00:32:46,780 Thanks. What's that thing? 532 00:32:48,490 --> 00:32:52,077 Oh, that's my machine. I need it at night. 533 00:32:52,202 --> 00:32:54,120 When I first got here, I had a massive heart attack. 534 00:32:55,873 --> 00:32:56,916 Do you know about the count? 535 00:32:56,999 --> 00:32:58,667 Wait, can you go back to the heart attack? 536 00:32:58,751 --> 00:32:59,919 I don't like to dwell. 537 00:33:00,085 --> 00:33:02,087 How do I make a phone call? 538 00:33:02,212 --> 00:33:06,383 You need a PAC number. Fill out a form. Whole rigmarole. 539 00:33:06,466 --> 00:33:09,135 But maybe Caputo will let you make a call later. 540 00:33:09,261 --> 00:33:11,221 It helps if you cry. 541 00:33:14,850 --> 00:33:15,976 Don't make your bed! 542 00:33:16,101 --> 00:33:17,102 What? 543 00:33:17,185 --> 00:33:18,604 We'll make it for you. 544 00:33:18,729 --> 00:33:20,272 Oh, no, that's okay. You don't need to do that. 545 00:33:20,480 --> 00:33:21,481 Honey! 546 00:33:22,357 --> 00:33:25,778 We'll make the bed. 547 00:33:25,861 --> 00:33:26,862 We know how. 548 00:33:27,863 --> 00:33:28,989 I know how to make a bed. 549 00:33:29,114 --> 00:33:31,366 We know how to do it so we'll pass inspection. 550 00:33:31,450 --> 00:33:35,537 You can help clean. We clean everything with Maxi Pads. 551 00:33:36,121 --> 00:33:37,122 Seriously? 552 00:33:37,289 --> 00:33:39,750 Yep. It's a head-scratcher, but that's what we got. 553 00:33:40,459 --> 00:33:42,461 So, we make our beds in the morning before they... 554 00:33:42,586 --> 00:33:46,339 No. You sleep on top of the bed. With a blanket over you. 555 00:33:46,966 --> 00:33:48,467 What if I want to sleep in the bed? 556 00:33:48,592 --> 00:33:50,761 Look, you can do what you want, 557 00:33:50,844 --> 00:33:53,973 but you will be the only one in this entire prison that does. 558 00:33:54,098 --> 00:33:56,850 You want that? Be my guest. 559 00:33:56,976 --> 00:33:59,895 Count time! Count time! Count time, ladies! 560 00:34:00,312 --> 00:34:03,148 That light comes on, you need to be where you're supposed to be, 561 00:34:03,273 --> 00:34:06,819 and you don't move until it goes off. Dinner's after. 562 00:34:07,903 --> 00:34:09,989 Hey, blanca. You speak Spanish? 563 00:34:10,823 --> 00:34:13,700 Un poco. Entiendo mas de lo que puedo hablar. 564 00:34:14,284 --> 00:34:17,663 You see, fucking white girl speaks Spanish. 565 00:34:32,594 --> 00:34:33,637 So? 566 00:34:33,846 --> 00:34:35,097 Shh. Wait. 567 00:34:46,692 --> 00:34:47,943 Dinner's at 4:30? 568 00:34:48,068 --> 00:34:49,903 Recount, ladies! 569 00:34:50,821 --> 00:34:53,157 They always screw it up. 570 00:34:53,239 --> 00:34:55,159 How hard is it to fucking count? 571 00:34:55,241 --> 00:34:57,161 Nicky, this is uh... 572 00:34:57,285 --> 00:34:58,704 Piper. Uh, Chapman. 573 00:34:59,830 --> 00:35:01,707 Look at you, blondie. What'd you do? 574 00:35:01,790 --> 00:35:04,459 Aren't you not supposed to ask that question? 575 00:35:04,543 --> 00:35:06,211 I read that you're not supposed to ask that. 576 00:35:07,046 --> 00:35:08,463 You read that? 577 00:35:09,255 --> 00:35:11,842 What, you studied for prison? 578 00:35:20,893 --> 00:35:21,894 What did you do? 579 00:35:22,019 --> 00:35:23,603 I can't understand your French. 580 00:35:23,729 --> 00:35:26,565 Mon bag! Bag! 581 00:35:26,648 --> 00:35:28,067 My bag hasn't arrived. 582 00:35:28,233 --> 00:35:31,070 Oh! The bags do not make it onto the right flight sometime. 583 00:35:31,153 --> 00:35:33,113 Wait for the next shuttle from Paris. 584 00:35:33,238 --> 00:35:35,032 It's probably on that plane. 585 00:36:01,183 --> 00:36:02,935 Mon bag! 586 00:36:03,018 --> 00:36:04,103 My bag. 587 00:36:18,283 --> 00:36:19,785 - Bonjour. - Oh! Bonjour. 588 00:36:20,953 --> 00:36:23,789 Welcome to Belgium. All good? 589 00:36:25,415 --> 00:36:27,292 I was starting to worry. Where did you come from? 590 00:36:27,417 --> 00:36:28,418 Over there. 591 00:36:29,502 --> 00:36:30,712 You didn't go through customs? 592 00:36:30,879 --> 00:36:33,215 No, I just walked out of that door and it brought me right here. 593 00:36:33,298 --> 00:36:37,385 You skipped customs? Holy shit! It's genius. 594 00:36:37,510 --> 00:36:40,097 - Well, should I go back? - Fuck, no. We're going to the hotel. 595 00:36:40,180 --> 00:36:42,390 I'm gonna eat you for dinner. 596 00:36:43,516 --> 00:36:46,478 Alex, I was so freaked out when the bag didn't show up, I almost bailed. 597 00:36:46,645 --> 00:36:48,188 Well, it's good thing you didn't. 598 00:36:48,313 --> 00:36:49,606 There's over 50 grand in that bag. 599 00:36:49,689 --> 00:36:52,025 Kubra would have had you killed. Come on. 600 00:36:53,735 --> 00:36:55,654 Keep moving. You're blocking up the works. 601 00:37:04,496 --> 00:37:07,082 Okay, go sit there. She's a nice white lady. 602 00:37:08,875 --> 00:37:09,876 Thanks. 603 00:37:20,512 --> 00:37:21,680 Hi. 604 00:37:23,348 --> 00:37:24,516 It's okay if I sit here? 605 00:37:25,142 --> 00:37:26,351 Sure, newbie. 606 00:37:28,353 --> 00:37:29,437 I'm Jones. 607 00:37:30,105 --> 00:37:31,273 Chapman. 608 00:37:32,482 --> 00:37:33,942 You doing okay, Chapman? 609 00:37:34,693 --> 00:37:37,029 I don't really know how to answer that question. 610 00:37:38,446 --> 00:37:40,782 Everything's pretty surreal right now. 611 00:37:43,952 --> 00:37:45,912 Do you know what a mandala is? 612 00:37:46,412 --> 00:37:47,455 Um... 613 00:37:47,539 --> 00:37:49,875 Those are those round Buddhist art things. 614 00:37:50,083 --> 00:37:53,879 The Tibetan monks make them out of dyed sand 615 00:37:54,004 --> 00:37:57,507 laid out into big, beautiful designs. 616 00:37:57,883 --> 00:38:01,553 And when they're done, after days or weeks of work, 617 00:38:01,678 --> 00:38:03,722 they wipe it all away. 618 00:38:05,224 --> 00:38:08,227 Wow. That's a lot. 619 00:38:08,643 --> 00:38:12,647 Try to look at your experience here as a mandala, Chapman. 620 00:38:13,899 --> 00:38:18,904 Work hard to make something as meaningful and beautiful as you can. 621 00:38:18,987 --> 00:38:22,699 And when you're done, pack it in and know it was all temporary. 622 00:38:23,325 --> 00:38:27,662 You have to remember that. It's all temporary. 623 00:38:29,081 --> 00:38:30,874 It's all temporary. 624 00:38:32,084 --> 00:38:37,463 I'm telling you. Surviving here is all about perspective. 625 00:38:40,592 --> 00:38:41,760 Don't eat the pudding. 626 00:38:41,885 --> 00:38:43,887 What's the perspective on the pudding? 627 00:38:43,970 --> 00:38:46,139 It comes in big cans marked "Desert Storm." 628 00:38:47,057 --> 00:38:51,270 Sometimes the kitchen has to scrape the mold off the top before they serve it. 629 00:38:51,811 --> 00:38:53,063 Hi, there. 630 00:38:53,730 --> 00:38:56,524 Hi, Sister. This is Chapman. 631 00:38:57,150 --> 00:38:58,318 Sister? As in nun? 632 00:38:58,526 --> 00:39:00,904 Yep. A killer nun. 633 00:39:01,696 --> 00:39:03,740 Now, stop it. She doesn't know you're joking. 634 00:39:03,823 --> 00:39:07,577 She chained herself to a flagpole at a nuclear test site. 635 00:39:11,915 --> 00:39:13,292 Amen. 636 00:39:13,375 --> 00:39:16,920 So. Now, Chapman, what's your story? 637 00:39:17,670 --> 00:39:19,756 I chained myself to a drug dealer. 638 00:39:21,841 --> 00:39:25,304 Piper, you can't be taking advice from a nun and a hippie. 639 00:39:25,511 --> 00:39:29,975 By all means, seek out the supreme wisdom of the junkie philosopher. 640 00:39:30,475 --> 00:39:31,643 I pray for you, Nicky. 641 00:39:31,893 --> 00:39:34,938 Aw. I pray for you, too, Sister. 642 00:39:35,021 --> 00:39:38,524 I lust after you, Yoga Jones, those sinewy arms. 643 00:39:39,859 --> 00:39:41,320 You gotta love a yoga body. 644 00:39:41,445 --> 00:39:43,989 You should come to class. Watch me chaturanga. 645 00:39:44,197 --> 00:39:46,199 That whole common room smells like farts. 646 00:39:46,325 --> 00:39:47,826 It kind of takes away the magic for me. 647 00:39:48,243 --> 00:39:49,411 You like pussy, Piper? 648 00:39:49,869 --> 00:39:52,164 Or you prefer pipe as your name suggests? 649 00:39:52,247 --> 00:39:54,499 I'm feeling some Sapphic vibes coming off you. 650 00:39:54,624 --> 00:39:56,042 Oh, leave her alone. 651 00:39:57,585 --> 00:39:58,670 Come on, Sister. 652 00:39:58,795 --> 00:40:00,839 You know you would've gone my way if you hadn't married Jesus. 653 00:40:08,221 --> 00:40:09,306 Thank you, Mommy. 654 00:40:11,683 --> 00:40:12,725 Thanks, Red. 655 00:40:15,937 --> 00:40:17,022 Thanks, Red. 656 00:40:20,442 --> 00:40:21,567 She's your mom? 657 00:40:21,734 --> 00:40:23,111 Maternal figurehead. 658 00:40:23,195 --> 00:40:25,947 My actual mother lives in Brazil with her boyfriend, Paolo, 659 00:40:26,031 --> 00:40:28,658 who destroys rainforests and collects photorealistic art. 660 00:40:28,741 --> 00:40:30,702 She is a cunt. I am an embarrassment. 661 00:40:30,785 --> 00:40:33,413 Hey, Red. You got one of those for me? 662 00:40:34,080 --> 00:40:35,874 You got what I asked you for? 663 00:40:36,291 --> 00:40:37,959 Uh, I'm working on it. 664 00:40:38,710 --> 00:40:43,048 So am I. Treats come when I sleep better. 665 00:40:48,512 --> 00:40:51,014 How hard is it to get me a board from the woodshop? 666 00:40:51,097 --> 00:40:52,640 People. 667 00:40:54,893 --> 00:40:56,019 Who's this? 668 00:40:56,395 --> 00:41:00,524 This is Chapman. She's new. Self-surrender. Thinks she's fancy. 669 00:41:02,150 --> 00:41:05,904 Here, fancy. Have a yogurt. 670 00:41:09,657 --> 00:41:11,243 What do I have to do for it? 671 00:41:12,244 --> 00:41:16,081 You're new. You're one of us. Consider it a gift. 672 00:41:16,873 --> 00:41:21,044 Thank you. Thank you so much. 673 00:41:24,756 --> 00:41:26,925 The food here is disgusting. 674 00:41:36,726 --> 00:41:37,810 What? 675 00:41:38,019 --> 00:41:40,021 Did I mention that Red runs the kitchen? 676 00:41:42,732 --> 00:41:46,194 Shit. I'm sorry. 677 00:41:51,241 --> 00:41:52,576 Honey. 678 00:41:53,577 --> 00:41:55,954 I know you just got here, so you don't know what's what. 679 00:41:56,246 --> 00:41:57,830 Well, I'm gonna tell you. 680 00:41:57,956 --> 00:42:02,752 You don't like the food? It's no problem. 681 00:42:10,218 --> 00:42:14,264 Holy shit. That was an epic fuck-up. 682 00:42:17,058 --> 00:42:18,059 Can I help you? 683 00:42:18,226 --> 00:42:22,147 Um, I'm Chapman. I'm new today. 684 00:42:22,355 --> 00:42:25,775 They told me I should talk to you. I don't have a PAC number. 685 00:42:25,942 --> 00:42:27,110 Who's they? 686 00:42:29,821 --> 00:42:34,200 Mr. Caputo, please let me call my fiancé. 687 00:42:34,326 --> 00:42:36,077 I have to let him know I'm okay. 688 00:42:37,621 --> 00:42:40,624 Two minutes. You got two minutes, that's it. 689 00:42:40,706 --> 00:42:42,792 Close the door, I don't want a run on my office. 690 00:42:42,917 --> 00:42:45,337 Inmate Gonzalez report to the supply room. 691 00:42:51,343 --> 00:42:53,052 Dial nine to get out. 692 00:43:03,229 --> 00:43:05,190 - Hello, Larry's phone. - Amy? 693 00:43:05,315 --> 00:43:06,941 - Piper? - Give me the phone. 694 00:43:07,025 --> 00:43:08,818 One second. Can I say hello? 695 00:43:08,943 --> 00:43:11,196 Amy, I only have two minutes to talk. 696 00:43:11,321 --> 00:43:14,032 Are you okay? What's it like in there? 697 00:43:14,115 --> 00:43:17,410 Howard and I brought Chinese. Larry is so upset. 698 00:43:17,536 --> 00:43:18,537 - Mom. - Let him talk, Amy. 699 00:43:18,662 --> 00:43:19,663 Ma, give me the phone. 700 00:43:19,745 --> 00:43:21,289 Amy, please let me talk to Larry. 701 00:43:21,373 --> 00:43:24,334 You know, I read that when Martha Stewart was in prison, 702 00:43:24,417 --> 00:43:25,835 she foraged for dandelions. 703 00:43:26,002 --> 00:43:27,420 Okay, Mom, please. 704 00:43:27,546 --> 00:43:30,298 - I was talking! - Amy, it's not always about you, dear. 705 00:43:30,423 --> 00:43:32,217 - What is that supposed to mean? - Piper? 706 00:43:32,300 --> 00:43:34,344 I only have a minute now. I'm calling from the guard's office. 707 00:43:34,427 --> 00:43:36,179 Hey, are you okay? What's going on? 708 00:43:36,262 --> 00:43:37,556 I love you so much. 709 00:43:37,639 --> 00:43:39,516 I love you, too. Are you okay? 710 00:43:39,599 --> 00:43:42,227 I'm wearing granny panties and I've only spoken to white people. 711 00:43:42,352 --> 00:43:44,604 You joining the Aryan Nation? 712 00:43:44,729 --> 00:43:46,565 I don't know. But there's a nun here. 713 00:43:46,731 --> 00:43:48,900 And you're not allowed to sleep in your bed. Only on top of it. 714 00:43:48,983 --> 00:43:50,026 That's weird. 715 00:43:50,151 --> 00:43:51,194 I know, right? 716 00:43:51,277 --> 00:43:52,320 And when I got here, they gave me these 717 00:43:52,404 --> 00:43:54,698 little bars of hotel soap, but no shampoo. 718 00:43:55,073 --> 00:43:58,784 But I think that I can borrow some from other white people. 719 00:43:59,911 --> 00:44:01,454 I love you so much. 720 00:44:03,039 --> 00:44:05,542 One of my roommates had a massive heart attack when she got here. 721 00:44:05,667 --> 00:44:07,919 Okay, you are not allowed to have a heart attack. 722 00:44:09,128 --> 00:44:10,296 What did you have for dinner? 723 00:44:11,172 --> 00:44:13,216 My folks brought from The Palace. 724 00:44:13,341 --> 00:44:15,635 Oh. The Palace. 725 00:44:16,636 --> 00:44:18,263 Dinner here was scary liver. 726 00:44:19,138 --> 00:44:21,307 And I insulted the chef, 727 00:44:21,433 --> 00:44:23,809 and you're not supposed to eat the pudding 728 00:44:23,935 --> 00:44:25,311 because it's been to Desert Storm. 729 00:44:25,437 --> 00:44:28,273 Piper, listen to me. You cannot lose your shit, okay? 730 00:44:28,356 --> 00:44:30,734 I mean it. Please, please tell me you're keeping it together. 731 00:44:30,816 --> 00:44:33,695 Please, please tell me you're okay. 732 00:44:33,861 --> 00:44:36,740 - Wrap it up, Chapman. - I'm Chapman here. 733 00:44:36,948 --> 00:44:42,787 You're my Pipes, okay? And, uh, I love you, and this is only temporary. 734 00:44:43,788 --> 00:44:46,791 That's what Yoga Jones said. But it's just been one day. 735 00:44:46,874 --> 00:44:48,334 And I can't, I can't! 736 00:44:48,460 --> 00:44:50,629 Piper, you can. You so can, okay? 737 00:44:50,754 --> 00:44:53,632 You are so strong, babe. You... 738 00:44:53,715 --> 00:44:55,049 And you love adventure, right? 739 00:44:55,133 --> 00:44:57,427 That's what got you in there, and that's what's gonna get you through. 740 00:44:57,510 --> 00:45:01,431 This is all just a big adventure with liver and Yoga Jones, 741 00:45:01,514 --> 00:45:03,308 and racism. 742 00:45:03,475 --> 00:45:05,727 You can come on Friday. Please come on Friday. 743 00:45:05,809 --> 00:45:07,061 Tell my mother to come on Saturday, 744 00:45:07,145 --> 00:45:08,938 and don't tell her that you're coming on Friday, okay? 745 00:45:09,021 --> 00:45:10,814 Of course. Okay? 746 00:45:10,898 --> 00:45:12,858 Two sleeps. That's it. 747 00:45:12,984 --> 00:45:15,236 Two sleeps on top of your bed. 748 00:45:15,320 --> 00:45:16,655 And then, I will be there. 749 00:45:17,363 --> 00:45:19,991 Coming up on lights out. Say goodbye. 750 00:45:20,824 --> 00:45:21,825 I have to go. 751 00:45:21,951 --> 00:45:23,077 Hey, no crying. 752 00:45:23,161 --> 00:45:24,370 I'm not crying. 753 00:45:24,496 --> 00:45:26,706 Piper, I love you. I will see you on Friday. 754 00:45:26,830 --> 00:45:29,833 Please, be brave. Don't let anyone into your granny panties. 755 00:45:29,959 --> 00:45:31,043 I love you. 756 00:45:31,169 --> 00:45:32,462 I love you. 757 00:45:37,258 --> 00:45:40,261 Your head's not here yet. Don't worry, it'll catch up. 758 00:45:41,471 --> 00:45:44,265 In the meantime, try to get some sleep. 759 00:45:44,349 --> 00:45:47,435 Orientation is tomorrow at 9:00. 760 00:45:47,519 --> 00:45:49,270 Shampoo for you. 761 00:45:51,648 --> 00:45:53,857 I think the words you're looking for are, "Thank you." 762 00:45:54,526 --> 00:45:55,859 Thank you. 763 00:45:56,695 --> 00:45:57,903 Good night, Chapman. 764 00:46:02,158 --> 00:46:03,867 Close the door behind you. 765 00:46:22,554 --> 00:46:25,139 Chapman. Hey, Chapman. 766 00:46:25,223 --> 00:46:26,224 - What? - Rise and shine. 767 00:46:26,349 --> 00:46:27,475 What? What? 768 00:46:27,559 --> 00:46:30,311 You want time to shower and eat, you gotta get up. 769 00:46:30,436 --> 00:46:32,438 Aw, look at your eyes. 770 00:46:32,564 --> 00:46:33,939 You should put some cold water on them. 771 00:46:34,065 --> 00:46:35,358 Okay. Thanks. 772 00:46:35,441 --> 00:46:37,068 Take a nice shower, get dressed, 773 00:46:37,193 --> 00:46:39,404 you'll start to feel normal soon enough. 774 00:46:39,987 --> 00:46:41,698 - You got flip-flops? - No. 775 00:46:42,240 --> 00:46:45,660 Oh, honey. There's wicked fungus in the showers. 776 00:47:03,595 --> 00:47:05,597 You're driving me crazy! 777 00:47:37,545 --> 00:47:39,756 Everyone gets a piece of fruit at breakfast. 778 00:47:39,839 --> 00:47:43,050 I'm telling you, it'll all start to feel normal, soon. Really. 779 00:47:43,635 --> 00:47:46,262 - You hungry? - I'm starving. Excuse me. 780 00:47:46,429 --> 00:47:47,971 - Such pretty hair. - Thank you. 781 00:47:48,180 --> 00:47:49,223 When those roots start to show, 782 00:47:49,307 --> 00:47:50,642 be sure to come and see me, okay? 783 00:47:50,725 --> 00:47:52,477 I'll take good care of you. 784 00:47:52,602 --> 00:47:55,438 But even if you don't come to me, don't go to Danita. 785 00:47:55,521 --> 00:47:59,024 She'll burn the shit out of your scalp. Go. Line's moving. 786 00:48:00,151 --> 00:48:01,444 Wait, Chapman? Are you Chapman? 787 00:48:01,569 --> 00:48:02,654 Yes. 788 00:48:06,574 --> 00:48:08,534 Red says she made that special for you. 789 00:48:08,660 --> 00:48:11,663 Wow. Thanks. Tell her I said thanks. 790 00:48:11,830 --> 00:48:13,748 I don't say nothing. I'm just working. Next. 791 00:48:15,625 --> 00:48:16,668 Man, I'm telling you, 792 00:48:16,793 --> 00:48:19,671 before my teeth got knocked out, I had this awesome gap. 793 00:48:19,754 --> 00:48:21,589 Now they look like Chiclets, look. 794 00:48:21,714 --> 00:48:23,633 You're crazy. Your fake teeth are beautiful. 795 00:48:23,716 --> 00:48:25,426 Bet you never get the food stuck in them. 796 00:48:25,510 --> 00:48:27,219 So, you got the nice fresh breath all the time. 797 00:48:27,345 --> 00:48:28,304 It's minty. It's beautiful. 798 00:48:28,387 --> 00:48:30,348 It's like God put them in you every day. 799 00:48:30,431 --> 00:48:31,850 A summer breeze coming over here. 800 00:48:32,015 --> 00:48:34,519 - Yeah? You like that? - Always smell... Yeah. Yeah. 801 00:48:37,396 --> 00:48:38,648 What did you do? 802 00:48:38,731 --> 00:48:40,232 She insulted the food in front of Red. 803 00:48:40,399 --> 00:48:42,694 Oh, jeez. I don't think you're gonna be eating for a while. 804 00:48:43,862 --> 00:48:47,782 Oh! Put it away. I'm enjoying menopause very much, thank you. 805 00:48:48,867 --> 00:48:51,369 You gotta figure out how to make things right with Red. 806 00:48:51,536 --> 00:48:53,412 And yeah, yeah. You gotta go down to laundry. 807 00:48:53,538 --> 00:48:56,039 Don't forget that. And check the elastic on all the pants. 808 00:48:56,165 --> 00:48:57,917 Don't let them get you stretched-out garbage. 809 00:48:58,041 --> 00:49:00,169 Orientation starts in 10 minutes. 810 00:49:00,252 --> 00:49:02,547 At least you had a nice shower this morning, right? 811 00:49:02,630 --> 00:49:03,882 I think I saw you in there? 812 00:49:08,051 --> 00:49:11,723 I don't... I don't know. Excuse me. 813 00:49:11,806 --> 00:49:14,057 Hey! Hey, hey, don't forget, you gotta bus your tray. 814 00:49:20,732 --> 00:49:22,608 Where's she going with that tray? 815 00:49:22,734 --> 00:49:23,776 Can't take them out of here. 816 00:49:23,943 --> 00:49:25,068 Yeah, she'll figure it out. 817 00:49:25,277 --> 00:49:26,905 Was she really in the shower this morning? 818 00:49:48,426 --> 00:49:50,428 Maybe this is a bad time to say hi, huh?