1 00:00:05,835 --> 00:00:08,171 I've always loved getting clean. 2 00:00:09,463 --> 00:00:11,049 I love baths. 3 00:00:12,300 --> 00:00:14,261 I love showers. 4 00:00:20,934 --> 00:00:22,769 It's my happy place. 5 00:00:29,276 --> 00:00:31,027 Was my happy place. 6 00:00:39,202 --> 00:00:42,289 All inmates in D dorm must be checked for lice. 7 00:00:42,580 --> 00:00:46,084 Repeat, all inmates in D dorm must be checked for lice. 8 00:00:48,544 --> 00:00:51,547 Oh, I'll be out in a sec. I swear. 9 00:00:51,631 --> 00:00:55,802 I'll wait. There best be some hot water left. 10 00:00:55,969 --> 00:00:58,138 There wasn't very much when I started. 11 00:00:59,889 --> 00:01:01,808 Man, hurry! 12 00:01:01,933 --> 00:01:04,811 All right, okay, okay. 13 00:01:04,936 --> 00:01:06,980 I'm done. I'm out. I'm totally out. 14 00:01:07,105 --> 00:01:08,940 Damn, you got some nice titties. 15 00:01:10,108 --> 00:01:12,526 - Thank you. - You got them TV titties. 16 00:01:12,652 --> 00:01:15,863 They stand up on they own all perky and everything. 17 00:01:15,989 --> 00:01:17,531 Okay. 18 00:01:19,159 --> 00:01:22,703 You know they sell flip-flops at the commissary. 19 00:01:23,246 --> 00:01:24,998 My money's not in yet, so. 20 00:01:25,123 --> 00:01:28,709 You creative. I give you that, high-tits. 21 00:01:30,003 --> 00:01:32,172 Now get the fuck out the way. 22 00:01:32,504 --> 00:01:33,547 Okay. 23 00:03:05,973 --> 00:03:08,059 So, there's an entire pig in there? 24 00:03:08,309 --> 00:03:09,310 Yes. 25 00:03:09,436 --> 00:03:10,853 For four of us? 26 00:03:11,229 --> 00:03:14,441 It's a small pig. I really wanted to use the box. 27 00:03:14,566 --> 00:03:16,025 It was my birthday present. 28 00:03:16,359 --> 00:03:18,278 She's guilty she's leaving. 29 00:03:18,403 --> 00:03:19,779 It's a guilt pig-roasting box. 30 00:03:19,904 --> 00:03:21,655 At least you get something. 31 00:03:21,781 --> 00:03:24,492 I'm not getting laid for a year, too, but what do I get? 32 00:03:25,076 --> 00:03:26,119 A baby? 33 00:03:26,244 --> 00:03:27,537 But you can't eat it. 34 00:03:29,289 --> 00:03:32,292 - Are we really gonna eat that? - It's thematic. 35 00:03:32,375 --> 00:03:34,043 You're not serving time in Cuba. 36 00:03:34,377 --> 00:03:35,753 Pigs. Cops. 37 00:03:40,049 --> 00:03:42,260 How the fuck are you going to jail tomorrow? 38 00:03:42,927 --> 00:03:44,762 Prison, not jail. 39 00:03:46,013 --> 00:03:47,474 You're missing my shower. 40 00:03:48,224 --> 00:03:49,850 Polly, I'm really sorry. 41 00:03:51,227 --> 00:03:52,520 I know. 42 00:03:55,482 --> 00:03:58,651 You focus on how you're gonna maintain your eyebrows behind bars. 43 00:03:59,235 --> 00:04:01,987 You may not come back with a unibrow. 44 00:04:04,282 --> 00:04:05,325 Am I allowed to cry? 45 00:04:05,408 --> 00:04:07,994 No. Seriously, no. 46 00:04:08,744 --> 00:04:13,291 Okay, we are ready. Everybody inside. 47 00:04:13,749 --> 00:04:14,917 - Need a hoist? - Yeah. 48 00:04:15,001 --> 00:04:16,586 Big girl. 49 00:04:16,919 --> 00:04:18,712 On to the last supper. 50 00:04:21,841 --> 00:04:23,801 - We got to do it. - I know. 51 00:04:25,345 --> 00:04:27,138 God, we really should not have eaten so much. 52 00:04:27,221 --> 00:04:29,641 I know. Come on, we gotta rally. 53 00:04:29,807 --> 00:04:30,891 Okay. 54 00:04:31,017 --> 00:04:34,187 - Make some memories, you know? - Yeah. 55 00:04:34,312 --> 00:04:37,023 You need spank-bank material. 56 00:04:37,315 --> 00:04:40,109 Oh, well, I mean, when you say it like that. 57 00:04:51,871 --> 00:04:53,998 - Wait, I got... - What? 58 00:04:54,081 --> 00:04:56,209 - I gotta pee. - What? No. 59 00:04:56,292 --> 00:04:57,335 - Yeah. - Really? 60 00:04:57,418 --> 00:04:59,546 I just... 61 00:05:00,421 --> 00:05:02,965 I'll be... I'll be right back. 62 00:05:07,053 --> 00:05:08,179 Hey. 63 00:05:08,971 --> 00:05:10,014 Yeah? 64 00:05:11,265 --> 00:05:12,517 You look beautiful. 65 00:05:14,935 --> 00:05:16,145 Thanks. 66 00:05:29,200 --> 00:05:30,577 Oh, shit. 67 00:06:30,678 --> 00:06:31,803 What? 68 00:06:35,642 --> 00:06:37,644 You look beautiful, too. 69 00:06:42,315 --> 00:06:45,359 Come on. Get in. 70 00:07:06,922 --> 00:07:08,257 Hey. You're crying. 71 00:07:10,802 --> 00:07:12,011 Just fuck me. 72 00:07:12,094 --> 00:07:13,346 Piper. 73 00:07:13,429 --> 00:07:15,097 Shut up. 74 00:07:15,181 --> 00:07:18,392 Please. Please. 75 00:07:21,437 --> 00:07:22,689 Okay. 76 00:08:02,729 --> 00:08:03,979 No visiting today. 77 00:08:04,063 --> 00:08:07,400 Hi, um, I'm here to surrender. 78 00:08:07,525 --> 00:08:09,068 Oh, okay, then. 79 00:08:13,447 --> 00:08:15,074 Did he look surprised to you? 80 00:08:15,157 --> 00:08:17,785 When I said that I was here to surrender? Didn't he look surprised? 81 00:08:17,910 --> 00:08:19,662 Like, "What the hell is she doing here?" 82 00:08:20,413 --> 00:08:23,416 - I didn't notice. - Well, he looked surprised to me. 83 00:08:26,085 --> 00:08:30,214 I look like shit. My eyes are all puffy. 84 00:08:30,297 --> 00:08:31,382 You're worried about how you look? 85 00:08:31,465 --> 00:08:32,592 Well, they're gonna know that I was crying. 86 00:08:32,675 --> 00:08:34,343 It's a sign of weakness. You can't show any weakness. 87 00:08:34,427 --> 00:08:35,803 That's what all of the books said. 88 00:08:35,928 --> 00:08:37,012 Oh, sweetie... 89 00:08:37,096 --> 00:08:38,931 Don't call me sweetie. 90 00:08:39,014 --> 00:08:40,433 Oh, Leonard. 91 00:08:41,434 --> 00:08:43,102 That's better. 92 00:08:49,275 --> 00:08:51,235 I can't take it with me. 93 00:08:54,572 --> 00:08:56,574 Oh, okay. Right. 94 00:08:59,577 --> 00:09:00,912 What are you doing? 95 00:09:00,994 --> 00:09:02,037 What? 96 00:09:02,121 --> 00:09:03,497 You can't put that in your pocket. 97 00:09:03,623 --> 00:09:05,541 It's gonna end up at the bottom of the washing machine. 98 00:09:05,625 --> 00:09:07,293 Okay. Um... 99 00:09:07,418 --> 00:09:08,753 Where would you like me to put it then, Piper? 100 00:09:08,836 --> 00:09:10,296 Up your ass. 101 00:09:10,880 --> 00:09:13,633 There's no room. Apparently, my head's already up there. 102 00:09:14,550 --> 00:09:15,885 I'm sorry. 103 00:09:18,930 --> 00:09:20,055 It's okay. 104 00:09:23,309 --> 00:09:24,560 You know what? 105 00:09:25,812 --> 00:09:29,064 I'm gonna put it in my wallet. Okay? 106 00:09:29,148 --> 00:09:33,486 And when I get home, I will put it in your jewelry box. 107 00:09:34,278 --> 00:09:36,238 Until I'm short on rent, then I may hock it. 108 00:09:36,322 --> 00:09:39,742 But I'll try to get it back before you're out. 109 00:09:46,123 --> 00:09:47,249 We should go. 110 00:09:47,875 --> 00:09:49,001 Okay. 111 00:09:52,171 --> 00:09:53,840 Okay. 112 00:09:55,132 --> 00:09:56,342 Self-surrender. 113 00:09:56,467 --> 00:09:58,218 Yeah, well, no one told me either. 114 00:09:58,344 --> 00:09:59,637 Available guards... 115 00:09:59,720 --> 00:10:01,597 Got the paperwork right here. 116 00:10:01,681 --> 00:10:03,683 Name is Chapman. 117 00:10:04,433 --> 00:10:09,856 Yeah. Chap, like when your lips get all dry they're chapped. 118 00:10:10,147 --> 00:10:11,148 Have a seat. 119 00:10:14,652 --> 00:10:16,612 Piper. Rhymes with sniper. 120 00:10:16,696 --> 00:10:19,406 Inmate Robinson to the visitor area. 121 00:10:23,202 --> 00:10:24,495 You hungry? 122 00:10:24,578 --> 00:10:25,746 Not really. 123 00:10:25,872 --> 00:10:27,540 Guard Thomson to the tower. 124 00:10:27,665 --> 00:10:28,791 Eat anyway. 125 00:10:29,333 --> 00:10:30,835 It's burrata. 126 00:10:32,211 --> 00:10:33,546 Thank you. 127 00:10:38,091 --> 00:10:42,054 My mother told her friends I'm doing volunteer work in Africa. 128 00:10:44,015 --> 00:10:47,393 I bet they're all appalled that you've gone somewhere so filthy and dangerous. 129 00:10:50,521 --> 00:10:54,984 So I never carried drugs. Just money. 130 00:10:55,860 --> 00:10:57,236 You were a lesbian? 131 00:10:57,904 --> 00:10:59,363 At the time. 132 00:11:00,322 --> 00:11:01,407 You still a lesbian? 133 00:11:02,033 --> 00:11:03,450 No, I'm not still a lesbian. 134 00:11:03,784 --> 00:11:04,911 You sure? 135 00:11:06,328 --> 00:11:10,541 I once kissed Mary Straley when I was at Miss Porter's school. 136 00:11:10,624 --> 00:11:11,918 But it wasn't for me. 137 00:11:12,251 --> 00:11:13,293 Wow. 138 00:11:14,169 --> 00:11:15,254 Did you know about all this? 139 00:11:15,421 --> 00:11:18,758 No. No, no, I didn't. 140 00:11:20,467 --> 00:11:23,345 I mean, she told me how she traveled after college, 141 00:11:23,429 --> 00:11:25,598 but she failed to mention the lesbian lover 142 00:11:25,723 --> 00:11:27,558 who ran an international drug smuggling ring. 143 00:11:27,641 --> 00:11:29,309 Imagine my surprise. 144 00:11:30,310 --> 00:11:32,438 What on earth did you do with the money? 145 00:11:32,605 --> 00:11:35,441 Well, Grandmother, I wasn't really in it for the money. 146 00:11:36,191 --> 00:11:38,736 Oh, Piper, for heaven's sake! 147 00:11:43,532 --> 00:11:45,952 So this is my last post as a free woman. 148 00:11:46,077 --> 00:11:48,412 - What are you gonna write? - Hey! 149 00:11:48,495 --> 00:11:50,748 Oh, no. You cannot have a phone in here. 150 00:11:50,831 --> 00:11:52,792 This is a federal facility. You have to take that out. 151 00:11:52,917 --> 00:11:55,210 Oh, can I? Am I allowed to go out? 152 00:11:55,294 --> 00:11:56,336 He can take it out. 153 00:11:56,462 --> 00:11:58,839 So no phone? 154 00:11:58,965 --> 00:12:00,507 - You knew that. - Now. 155 00:12:00,633 --> 00:12:02,468 Oh, my God, Larry, by the time I get out 156 00:12:02,593 --> 00:12:04,929 there'll have been, like, three new generations of iPhones. 157 00:12:05,012 --> 00:12:07,807 Sir, I can get an officer to escort you out. 158 00:12:07,890 --> 00:12:11,560 No, I'm going. It's okay, I'm going, okay? I'll be right back, okay? 159 00:12:11,644 --> 00:12:14,688 I'll take the phone to the car, I'll be right back. 160 00:12:14,814 --> 00:12:16,023 Okay? Two seconds. 161 00:12:16,147 --> 00:12:17,566 - Yeah? - Okay. 162 00:12:19,150 --> 00:12:20,527 Two seconds. 163 00:12:23,823 --> 00:12:24,991 - Chapman! - Yes. 164 00:12:26,325 --> 00:12:29,328 Yes, that's me. But you have to wait. 165 00:12:29,411 --> 00:12:30,663 You're telling me what I have to do? 166 00:12:31,747 --> 00:12:33,666 Get your ass over here, Chapman, now. Move it. 167 00:12:33,749 --> 00:12:34,875 He's, he's gonna be right back. 168 00:12:35,001 --> 00:12:36,167 We've been waiting here for two hours. 169 00:12:36,293 --> 00:12:37,628 And the wait is over. 170 00:12:37,711 --> 00:12:39,170 Here's your temporary ID, 171 00:12:39,254 --> 00:12:41,799 you'll stick this on your uniform when we get to that. Now... 172 00:12:41,882 --> 00:12:43,843 - Here. I'm here. Here I am. - Here he is. 173 00:12:43,968 --> 00:12:46,137 - Who's this? - My fiancé. 174 00:12:46,219 --> 00:12:47,471 Yeah? Good luck with that. 175 00:12:47,554 --> 00:12:48,681 Excuse me? 176 00:12:48,764 --> 00:12:50,516 - Any personal items? - Here. 177 00:12:54,269 --> 00:12:55,479 You can't take this check. 178 00:12:55,562 --> 00:12:57,731 But we called last week. And they told me to bring it. 179 00:12:57,857 --> 00:12:59,025 He has to send it to Iowa. 180 00:12:59,108 --> 00:13:00,526 It takes a few weeks to process. 181 00:13:00,609 --> 00:13:03,154 A few weeks? Doesn't she need to buy things? 182 00:13:03,236 --> 00:13:04,321 How it is. 183 00:13:05,614 --> 00:13:06,824 Where do we send it? 184 00:13:07,074 --> 00:13:09,702 Hey, you got that Iowa address? 185 00:13:10,619 --> 00:13:13,706 Any Nudie Judies in here? Skin pics? Naughty stuff? 186 00:13:13,831 --> 00:13:16,084 No. No Nudie Judies. 187 00:13:16,625 --> 00:13:19,336 Time to say goodbye. It might be a while till you can visit, fiancé. 188 00:13:22,131 --> 00:13:23,214 I love you so much. 189 00:13:23,340 --> 00:13:24,341 I love you, too! 190 00:13:24,925 --> 00:13:26,510 - I'll call you as soon as I can. - Okay. 191 00:13:26,593 --> 00:13:28,762 Okay? Please send that check immediately. 192 00:13:28,929 --> 00:13:30,221 Okay. I will. 193 00:13:30,305 --> 00:13:32,558 I love you. Please keep my website updated. 194 00:13:32,683 --> 00:13:33,726 I love you so much. 195 00:13:36,227 --> 00:13:37,228 It's okay. 196 00:13:46,906 --> 00:13:48,239 It's okay. 197 00:14:00,086 --> 00:14:02,421 - What size shoe are you? - Nine and a half, ten. 198 00:14:08,343 --> 00:14:09,762 These are kinda like Toms. 199 00:14:09,845 --> 00:14:12,598 - Who's Tom? - Toms are shoes. 200 00:14:12,723 --> 00:14:15,851 When you buy a pair, the company gives another to a child in need. 201 00:14:15,935 --> 00:14:18,395 They're great. And they come in lots of different colors and... 202 00:14:18,478 --> 00:14:19,772 How nice. 203 00:14:21,774 --> 00:14:22,775 Strip. 204 00:14:45,422 --> 00:14:46,465 Get over here. 205 00:14:59,394 --> 00:15:00,771 Come here. 206 00:15:13,700 --> 00:15:15,577 Are you gonna miss me? 207 00:15:16,495 --> 00:15:17,830 Yes. 208 00:15:20,916 --> 00:15:21,959 Too much. 209 00:15:25,420 --> 00:15:26,546 Come with me. 210 00:15:27,298 --> 00:15:28,548 What? 211 00:15:29,508 --> 00:15:30,926 Come to Bali. 212 00:15:32,552 --> 00:15:34,554 Come with me. I mean it. I'll buy you a plane ticket. 213 00:15:38,475 --> 00:15:39,685 Are you serious? 214 00:15:42,229 --> 00:15:43,438 Yes. 215 00:15:46,566 --> 00:15:51,238 Come with me. Quit your job. Come with me. 216 00:15:52,198 --> 00:15:56,493 Well, I'd have to give notice. 217 00:15:56,576 --> 00:15:59,038 You're a fucking waitress. You don't need to give a notice. 218 00:16:00,164 --> 00:16:01,790 Will I get in trouble? 219 00:16:01,874 --> 00:16:02,958 God, I hope so. 220 00:16:07,629 --> 00:16:09,715 You know what I mean. 221 00:16:09,798 --> 00:16:11,675 You don't have to do anything. 222 00:16:12,551 --> 00:16:15,971 You're just there to keep me company, all right? 223 00:16:19,683 --> 00:16:21,185 Come on, babe. I want you to come. 224 00:16:21,894 --> 00:16:23,103 And I want you to come. 225 00:16:27,066 --> 00:16:28,901 Yes? Is that a yes? 226 00:16:29,026 --> 00:16:30,236 Yes. 227 00:16:31,945 --> 00:16:33,197 Yes. 228 00:16:33,613 --> 00:16:35,115 Open your mouth, stick out your tongue. 229 00:16:35,532 --> 00:16:37,492 Inmates, an updated facility rules with 230 00:16:37,576 --> 00:16:39,411 inmate discipline list is posted in the day room. 231 00:16:41,580 --> 00:16:42,706 Lift up your arms. 232 00:16:45,625 --> 00:16:46,919 Turn around. 233 00:16:50,589 --> 00:16:51,715 Squat. 234 00:16:55,052 --> 00:16:56,678 Spread your cheeks and cough. 235 00:16:59,056 --> 00:17:00,266 Seriously? 236 00:17:13,195 --> 00:17:14,405 That it? 237 00:17:14,487 --> 00:17:16,156 One more coming, hold on. 238 00:17:21,620 --> 00:17:22,829 My zipper's broken. 239 00:17:25,665 --> 00:17:26,792 First time down? 240 00:17:26,917 --> 00:17:28,127 My first time here? 241 00:17:28,668 --> 00:17:30,837 Oh, no, your first time in prison? 242 00:17:30,963 --> 00:17:33,257 Oh, yeah. 243 00:17:33,340 --> 00:17:36,260 It's not so bad. Everyone's okay. 244 00:17:36,343 --> 00:17:38,429 You've gotta watch out for the stealing. 245 00:17:40,639 --> 00:17:42,641 So, what's your name? Your last name. 246 00:17:42,724 --> 00:17:44,643 Everyone uses last names here. 247 00:17:44,768 --> 00:17:47,438 I'm Morello and that is Watson. 248 00:17:48,814 --> 00:17:49,856 Chapman. 249 00:17:49,982 --> 00:17:51,858 And how much time you got, Chapman? 250 00:17:53,235 --> 00:17:54,278 Fifteen months. 251 00:17:54,361 --> 00:17:57,072 Oh, that's not so bad. I got 34, 252 00:17:57,156 --> 00:17:59,491 but I'm hoping with good time it'll be less. 253 00:17:59,574 --> 00:18:03,870 You... so you're a... they let you drive? 254 00:18:03,996 --> 00:18:05,956 Well, who else is gonna do it? 255 00:18:06,039 --> 00:18:08,334 We do everything around here. 256 00:18:09,542 --> 00:18:13,005 Hey, can I ask you something? You look like you'd know. 257 00:18:13,130 --> 00:18:14,714 All right, which dress you like better? 258 00:18:14,840 --> 00:18:16,133 My top two faves are the ones 259 00:18:16,216 --> 00:18:18,510 with the half-and-half lids stuck to the pages. 260 00:18:18,593 --> 00:18:22,139 See, I want something that's gonna express my personality. 261 00:18:22,222 --> 00:18:25,600 And the trick is, I wanna show off the boobs and the ass, 262 00:18:25,684 --> 00:18:28,437 but I'm not so happy with the upper arms and the stomach, 263 00:18:28,520 --> 00:18:30,356 so there's the challenge. 264 00:18:33,484 --> 00:18:34,485 Both nice. 265 00:18:35,527 --> 00:18:36,778 That's all you gotta say? 266 00:18:39,531 --> 00:18:42,701 I gotta look good. My first dance is gonna go on YouTube. 267 00:18:42,826 --> 00:18:45,829 Look! I found a rock that looks like a penis with one ball. 268 00:18:45,912 --> 00:18:48,123 - No. - It's my Lance Armstrong rock. 269 00:18:48,665 --> 00:18:51,960 Hold it up. Let me see, let me see. Nice. 270 00:18:52,044 --> 00:18:53,795 Okay, now lick it, softly and tenderly, 271 00:18:53,879 --> 00:18:55,255 like you would've when you thought he was clean. 272 00:18:55,381 --> 00:18:56,715 Oh, Jesus! Shut that thing off. 273 00:18:56,798 --> 00:18:58,884 You're making a huge mistake. This could go viral. 274 00:18:59,051 --> 00:19:00,093 Seriously, shut it off. 275 00:19:00,219 --> 00:19:02,054 - What? - I'm so fat from all the stress-eating. 276 00:19:02,179 --> 00:19:04,723 I really don't want a record of it. 277 00:19:06,558 --> 00:19:08,894 You know, that's one thing I'm gonna do in prison. 278 00:19:08,977 --> 00:19:11,146 I'm gonna get ripped. 279 00:19:12,064 --> 00:19:13,899 Like Jackie Warner ripped. 280 00:19:14,566 --> 00:19:17,569 And I'm gonna read everything on my Amazon wish list. 281 00:19:17,694 --> 00:19:21,990 And maybe even learn a craft, you know? I could be crafty. 282 00:19:22,074 --> 00:19:23,700 I'm gonna make it count, Larry. 283 00:19:23,783 --> 00:19:27,162 I'm not gonna throw away a year of my life. 284 00:19:27,246 --> 00:19:28,705 What the hell are you looking for? 285 00:19:34,794 --> 00:19:36,255 Oh, no! 286 00:19:36,338 --> 00:19:37,423 What is that? 287 00:19:37,506 --> 00:19:39,091 Piper... 288 00:19:39,174 --> 00:19:40,967 Oh, Jesus, Larry. Why would you want... 289 00:19:41,134 --> 00:19:45,847 Why would I want a felonious, former lesbian, WASP-shiksa 290 00:19:45,931 --> 00:19:47,433 who's about to go to prison, to marry me? 291 00:19:47,558 --> 00:19:49,601 Yes. And all of the stress-eating? 292 00:19:50,561 --> 00:19:54,398 Well, because this peculiar, 293 00:19:55,607 --> 00:19:59,361 underachieving, underemployed Jew-boy loves her. 294 00:20:01,280 --> 00:20:04,616 And knows that he will never be bored, 295 00:20:05,325 --> 00:20:10,956 and can't believe how lucky he is that he met her. 296 00:20:13,917 --> 00:20:16,962 I gotta lock this shit down before you leave, Pipes. 297 00:20:19,798 --> 00:20:21,174 I love you. 298 00:20:22,634 --> 00:20:23,885 You wanna marry me? 299 00:20:24,553 --> 00:20:26,012 When I get out, right? 300 00:20:26,138 --> 00:20:27,806 Whenever you want. 301 00:20:28,765 --> 00:20:30,058 I'll be so ripped. 302 00:20:32,144 --> 00:20:36,148 You could wear a wedding dress that's like a half-shirt, you know? 303 00:20:36,231 --> 00:20:37,899 Show off those abs. 304 00:20:37,983 --> 00:20:39,485 Yeah! 305 00:20:45,115 --> 00:20:46,950 Was it your grandmother's? 306 00:20:47,117 --> 00:20:49,661 No, my mom's saving that one for my sister. 307 00:20:49,786 --> 00:20:52,205 This is my great-aunt Marcia's. 308 00:20:52,331 --> 00:20:53,790 She had thyroid cancer 309 00:20:53,873 --> 00:20:57,043 and a series of schnauzers, all named Schnapps. That's all I know. 310 00:20:58,670 --> 00:21:01,714 Put it on. I had it sized. Good. 311 00:21:07,012 --> 00:21:08,263 It's beautiful. 312 00:21:08,347 --> 00:21:10,015 And that's a "yes," right? 313 00:21:10,098 --> 00:21:11,350 Yes. 314 00:21:11,850 --> 00:21:12,976 Yeah. 315 00:21:13,602 --> 00:21:16,229 Will you say that just one more time for me? 316 00:21:16,355 --> 00:21:19,274 But, this time, just into the camera, okay? 317 00:21:19,358 --> 00:21:21,818 Oh, you asshole! 318 00:21:21,901 --> 00:21:23,778 - Come on, I had to capture the moment. - Shit. Turn it off! 319 00:21:23,862 --> 00:21:25,656 - What? - Give me that! 320 00:21:28,158 --> 00:21:30,410 Oh, you're cold. Come here. 321 00:21:30,536 --> 00:21:32,538 Bounce your legs up and down. It keeps your feet warm. 322 00:21:32,621 --> 00:21:33,830 Thanks. 323 00:21:35,123 --> 00:21:37,668 You think your man is still gonna be around when you're out? 324 00:21:37,750 --> 00:21:40,170 Yeah, he'll be there. I'm the love of his life. 325 00:21:41,921 --> 00:21:43,923 Thirty-four months is a long time. 326 00:21:44,799 --> 00:21:46,718 Yeah, but she's the love of his life! 327 00:21:47,553 --> 00:21:49,846 And who the fuck asked you? 328 00:21:49,929 --> 00:21:51,056 Head on up. 329 00:21:51,139 --> 00:21:52,683 All the gates open to one and two. 330 00:21:52,765 --> 00:21:56,061 All right, so his tie is gonna match the bridesmaids' dresses. 331 00:21:56,144 --> 00:21:57,479 There's six bridesmaids. 332 00:21:57,563 --> 00:21:59,606 My cousin's being a bitch, so I'm thinking about dropping her. 333 00:22:08,615 --> 00:22:10,409 All right, let's go. 334 00:22:35,475 --> 00:22:36,560 Hello, Miss Claudette. 335 00:22:36,643 --> 00:22:38,144 Morello. 336 00:22:41,147 --> 00:22:42,399 Watch out for that one. 337 00:22:42,482 --> 00:22:44,610 Don't get me wrong, she's a good lady, 338 00:22:44,735 --> 00:22:46,278 but you don't wanna get on her bad side. 339 00:22:47,028 --> 00:22:48,697 Go ahead. Go. 340 00:22:51,575 --> 00:22:54,327 Okay, I'm gonna send you all through to processing, 341 00:22:54,453 --> 00:22:55,786 you'll get your room assignments, 342 00:22:55,912 --> 00:22:58,998 and I'll meet you back here and show you your bunks. Okay? 343 00:22:59,124 --> 00:23:01,543 Don't look so bummed. Gonna get the wrinkles. 344 00:23:01,876 --> 00:23:04,463 All right, raise your head and look at the lens. 345 00:23:05,796 --> 00:23:07,507 Oh, crap! 346 00:23:07,882 --> 00:23:10,594 New guy, what's your name, Bennett? 347 00:23:11,344 --> 00:23:13,639 Bennett, it's not fucking working again. 348 00:23:13,764 --> 00:23:16,057 - You turn it on? - Yeah, I turned it on. 349 00:23:19,894 --> 00:23:23,356 Wait, I think I got it. Ready? 350 00:23:23,482 --> 00:23:24,815 Yeah. Yep. 351 00:23:26,318 --> 00:23:28,027 Wait, no. 352 00:23:28,153 --> 00:23:30,071 - What does this button do? - No! Don't touch that. 353 00:23:30,863 --> 00:23:32,407 Sorry, princess. 354 00:23:33,366 --> 00:23:34,534 There's a cord right there. 355 00:23:34,660 --> 00:23:37,412 Do you think that that needs to be connected to something? 356 00:23:38,747 --> 00:23:40,332 Shut your mouth and stand still. 357 00:23:44,628 --> 00:23:46,463 - She's right. - Okay, fine. 358 00:23:46,546 --> 00:23:47,673 Got it. 359 00:23:47,798 --> 00:23:48,923 I wasn't ready. 360 00:23:49,007 --> 00:23:50,967 Tough shit. Next. 361 00:23:51,343 --> 00:23:54,845 This is a TB test. Nice veins. 362 00:23:54,929 --> 00:23:56,765 - No track marks. - Thanks. 363 00:23:56,847 --> 00:23:58,558 Tattoos? 364 00:23:58,684 --> 00:23:59,934 Oh, yeah. 365 00:24:01,812 --> 00:24:03,522 Oh, a fish. You like fish? 366 00:24:05,440 --> 00:24:08,694 Saw it on a scuba diving trip. 367 00:24:08,819 --> 00:24:10,069 Thought it was beautiful. 368 00:24:10,195 --> 00:24:15,283 I don't like fish. I like pork, chicken. But it's a pretty fish. 369 00:24:16,660 --> 00:24:17,994 Thanks. 370 00:24:18,077 --> 00:24:19,538 It's gonna rub off when I sweat. 371 00:24:19,663 --> 00:24:22,708 No, it won't. It's waterproof. Stop. 372 00:24:24,875 --> 00:24:28,547 So, when this dries, you should be good to go. 373 00:24:30,298 --> 00:24:31,591 How am I gonna get it off? 374 00:24:31,717 --> 00:24:32,843 Acetone. 375 00:24:34,845 --> 00:24:37,013 Great. Alex, I don't, I don't know if I can... 376 00:24:37,096 --> 00:24:38,557 Hey. 377 00:24:38,640 --> 00:24:40,099 Hey, hey, hey. 378 00:24:46,064 --> 00:24:49,609 You are a nice blonde lady, aren't you? 379 00:24:52,237 --> 00:24:54,030 A proper young lady. 380 00:24:55,615 --> 00:24:58,660 Just picking up her sensible bag in the baggage claim 381 00:24:59,369 --> 00:25:02,748 before heading off to her mid-range hotel to go over her schedules. 382 00:25:02,873 --> 00:25:05,208 Museum visits and fancy dinners. 383 00:25:12,424 --> 00:25:16,010 It's all fine. It's all good. 384 00:25:17,220 --> 00:25:18,471 And I will meet you in Brussels, 385 00:25:18,597 --> 00:25:20,849 and everything will work out perfectly, babe. 386 00:25:20,931 --> 00:25:22,267 I promise. 387 00:25:24,394 --> 00:25:26,271 It's all gonna be okay. 388 00:25:27,731 --> 00:25:28,732 Are you okay? 389 00:25:29,733 --> 00:25:32,068 Fine. I guess. 390 00:25:35,113 --> 00:25:36,615 What's PoPi? 391 00:25:36,740 --> 00:25:37,948 Poppy. 392 00:25:39,618 --> 00:25:43,162 It's a bath products line I'd started with my friend, Polly. 393 00:25:43,288 --> 00:25:47,500 Polly and Piper. PoPi. We're gonna be in Barneys. 394 00:25:48,167 --> 00:25:49,168 Barneys? 395 00:25:50,044 --> 00:25:51,421 It's a nice store. 396 00:25:53,548 --> 00:25:57,135 It's a pretty big case. Criminal conspiracy. 397 00:25:57,260 --> 00:25:59,805 That's what they charged me with. 398 00:25:59,930 --> 00:26:02,432 I carried a suitcase of money. 399 00:26:02,515 --> 00:26:05,184 Drug money. Once. 400 00:26:06,227 --> 00:26:07,479 Ten years ago. 401 00:26:07,604 --> 00:26:09,230 What's the statute of limitations on that? 402 00:26:11,274 --> 00:26:12,484 Twelve years. 403 00:26:13,485 --> 00:26:14,820 That's tough. 404 00:26:14,945 --> 00:26:16,112 Well, 405 00:26:17,697 --> 00:26:23,578 I did it, that one time, 10 years ago. 406 00:26:23,912 --> 00:26:25,079 What did your lawyer say? 407 00:26:25,204 --> 00:26:27,624 He said with the mandatory minimums with drug crimes, 408 00:26:27,707 --> 00:26:30,460 he wouldn't recommend risking a trial. So, I pleaded out. 409 00:26:30,710 --> 00:26:31,837 And here you are. 410 00:26:32,587 --> 00:26:33,588 Here I am. 411 00:26:34,464 --> 00:26:38,343 Costing the tax payers money and sweating in my armchair. 412 00:26:38,844 --> 00:26:41,262 You know, I've been here for 22 years, 413 00:26:41,346 --> 00:26:44,683 and I still can't figure out how the system works. 414 00:26:45,350 --> 00:26:47,686 I got a crack dealer who is doing nine months, 415 00:26:47,811 --> 00:26:52,565 and then I have a lady who accidently backed into a mailman 416 00:26:52,691 --> 00:26:54,693 who is doing four years. 417 00:26:54,776 --> 00:26:57,027 I mean, the guy broke his collar bone, but come on. 418 00:26:57,111 --> 00:26:58,905 I just don't get it. 419 00:27:01,366 --> 00:27:03,409 Are you gonna barf? 420 00:27:03,535 --> 00:27:04,577 Tell me if you're gonna barf. 421 00:27:04,703 --> 00:27:06,036 Because there's a can behind you. 422 00:27:06,120 --> 00:27:07,789 I won't barf. 423 00:27:07,873 --> 00:27:10,876 I will be truly displeased if you barf anywhere but in that can. 424 00:27:11,751 --> 00:27:13,211 Not gonna barf. 425 00:27:15,380 --> 00:27:16,840 Miss Chapman, 426 00:27:18,341 --> 00:27:22,303 no one's gonna mess with you here unless you let them. 427 00:27:23,346 --> 00:27:25,097 This isn't Oz. 428 00:27:25,348 --> 00:27:27,600 Women fight with gossip and rumors. 429 00:27:28,226 --> 00:27:32,898 They might peg you for rich and try to hit you up for commissary. 430 00:27:34,440 --> 00:27:35,859 And there are lesbians. 431 00:27:37,402 --> 00:27:38,820 They're not gonna bother you. 432 00:27:38,904 --> 00:27:40,906 They'll try to be your friend, 433 00:27:40,989 --> 00:27:42,407 just stay away from them. 434 00:27:43,324 --> 00:27:49,873 I want you to understand, you do not have to have lesbian sex. 435 00:27:56,004 --> 00:27:57,672 I have a fiancé. 436 00:27:59,257 --> 00:28:00,425 His name is Larry. 437 00:28:00,508 --> 00:28:02,052 He's a writer. 438 00:28:03,887 --> 00:28:05,137 Can he come visit me? 439 00:28:05,263 --> 00:28:07,473 - Is he in here? - Yes. Everybody's in there. 440 00:28:07,599 --> 00:28:10,685 All the people in the PSI are cleared to visit. 441 00:28:10,769 --> 00:28:12,020 He can come this weekend. 442 00:28:12,938 --> 00:28:14,689 I'll make sure the list is in the visiting room. 443 00:28:14,773 --> 00:28:16,524 Thank you so much, Mr. Healy. 444 00:28:17,817 --> 00:28:21,571 You just keep to yourself. And you'll be fine. 445 00:28:21,654 --> 00:28:23,031 And don't make friends. 446 00:28:24,240 --> 00:28:29,621 And remember, nothing goes on here that I don't know about. 447 00:28:29,913 --> 00:28:33,123 You know everything about me! I tell you everything! 448 00:28:34,042 --> 00:28:36,628 The webcam horror, the penis shaving incident. 449 00:28:36,711 --> 00:28:38,046 How do I not know this? 450 00:28:38,170 --> 00:28:40,548 What was I supposed to say? It was... 451 00:28:41,340 --> 00:28:42,550 It was a phase. 452 00:28:42,634 --> 00:28:47,179 It was my lost-soul, post-college adventure phase. 453 00:28:48,932 --> 00:28:53,144 I was so embarrassed. I can't believe that she did this. 454 00:28:53,269 --> 00:28:54,980 I can't believe you did this. 455 00:28:55,772 --> 00:28:56,982 I mean, who are you? 456 00:28:57,107 --> 00:29:00,318 I feel like I'm in a Bourne movie. Have you killed? 457 00:29:02,779 --> 00:29:05,824 Oh, Jesus. Oh, no. Baby. Stop. Stop, stop. 458 00:29:05,991 --> 00:29:07,283 Come on. Come on. 459 00:29:09,035 --> 00:29:10,120 Okay. 460 00:29:10,202 --> 00:29:11,871 You should break up with me. 461 00:29:11,997 --> 00:29:14,373 - What? - You didn't sign up for this. 462 00:29:14,499 --> 00:29:18,252 Okay, stop it. Stop it. Come on. Shh. It's okay. 463 00:29:18,628 --> 00:29:20,046 Okay? 464 00:29:20,212 --> 00:29:21,339 Okay? 465 00:29:24,467 --> 00:29:27,178 "Witness states, Piper Chapman carried drug money. 466 00:29:27,261 --> 00:29:29,347 "Piper Chapman was part of the ring." 467 00:29:29,472 --> 00:29:30,682 Were you? 468 00:29:32,017 --> 00:29:33,392 I was 22. 469 00:29:34,477 --> 00:29:36,688 I thought that I was in love. 470 00:29:37,396 --> 00:29:39,065 I was in love. 471 00:29:39,190 --> 00:29:41,359 And it was all crazy. 472 00:29:41,442 --> 00:29:45,738 And then it got scary, 473 00:29:45,864 --> 00:29:47,323 and I ran away, 474 00:29:47,406 --> 00:29:51,202 and I became the nice blonde lady that I was supposed to be. 475 00:29:51,369 --> 00:29:56,499 I knew that she wasn't a good person, but fuck her! 476 00:29:58,250 --> 00:30:01,921 Fuck her! This is not gonna be okay. 477 00:30:03,506 --> 00:30:04,757 - No. - No. 478 00:30:04,924 --> 00:30:06,217 It's not. 479 00:30:11,848 --> 00:30:14,893 But we'll deal with it, okay? 480 00:30:17,562 --> 00:30:19,313 We'll figure it out. 481 00:30:20,190 --> 00:30:21,399 Have you called a lawyer? 482 00:30:22,483 --> 00:30:24,235 - No. - I'll call my dad. 483 00:30:24,318 --> 00:30:26,779 No! No. Please don't call your dad. He already hates me. 484 00:30:26,905 --> 00:30:30,116 Yeah, well, I love you. 485 00:30:30,241 --> 00:30:36,039 And, and he loves me, so, here we go. 486 00:30:36,706 --> 00:30:38,708 All right, we gotta hustle, 'cause the count's soon. 487 00:30:38,791 --> 00:30:41,211 Uh, rooms are there. Dorms are down there. 488 00:30:41,293 --> 00:30:43,254 Now, you are not allowed down there. 489 00:30:43,337 --> 00:30:45,423 It's out of bounds for you guys until you get assigned there. 490 00:30:45,548 --> 00:30:47,133 You understand? 491 00:30:47,258 --> 00:30:48,801 Namaste, Jones! 492 00:30:48,927 --> 00:30:49,928 Namaste! 493 00:30:50,011 --> 00:30:51,804 She teaches yoga if you ever want. 494 00:30:51,930 --> 00:30:54,015 And she's good. She's very spiritual. 495 00:30:54,099 --> 00:30:55,934 All right, we got some offices here. 496 00:30:56,017 --> 00:30:59,104 This is the dining hall, common room, counselor's office. 497 00:30:59,229 --> 00:31:00,730 Who you got for a counselor? 498 00:31:00,813 --> 00:31:02,148 Uh, Healy. 499 00:31:02,273 --> 00:31:03,441 Okay. Yeah. 500 00:31:03,566 --> 00:31:04,609 What? 501 00:31:04,692 --> 00:31:07,403 Nah, it's fine. It's fine. He does his paperwork. That's a good thing. 502 00:31:08,654 --> 00:31:10,573 When do we get outfits like everybody? 503 00:31:10,656 --> 00:31:13,118 I don't know. Maybe tomorrow after breakfast. 504 00:31:13,243 --> 00:31:15,453 You go down, you speak to the lady... 505 00:31:17,455 --> 00:31:18,581 What the fuck? 506 00:31:19,832 --> 00:31:20,875 Friend of yours? 507 00:31:21,876 --> 00:31:24,420 No. It's my mom. 508 00:31:25,421 --> 00:31:29,008 All right, Chapman, Diaz, this is you. 509 00:31:29,134 --> 00:31:31,343 DeMarco, this is Chapman. She's new. 510 00:31:31,469 --> 00:31:32,887 Self-surrender. You show her what's what? 511 00:31:32,971 --> 00:31:34,180 Sure. 512 00:31:34,305 --> 00:31:37,391 Okay, Mendoza, this is Diaz. Go, go. She'll help you. 513 00:31:40,603 --> 00:31:42,063 Um, I don't speak Spanish. 514 00:31:43,064 --> 00:31:44,857 Great. Another fucking coconut. 515 00:31:44,983 --> 00:31:47,110 What's the matter with your mother, she don't teach you Spanish? 516 00:31:49,695 --> 00:31:53,992 Here. Here's some tissues. First night's always hard. 517 00:31:54,659 --> 00:31:58,329 And a toothbrush. They don't give you one. 518 00:31:59,371 --> 00:32:01,540 Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you for everything. 519 00:32:01,666 --> 00:32:04,335 No, no. It's no problem. We look out for our own. 520 00:32:05,795 --> 00:32:06,879 Our own? 521 00:32:07,005 --> 00:32:11,092 Oh, don't get all PC on me. It's tribal, not racist. I'll see you around. 522 00:32:17,974 --> 00:32:19,017 Tell me your name again? 523 00:32:19,100 --> 00:32:22,103 Piper. Chapman. 524 00:32:22,603 --> 00:32:23,729 That's Miss Rosa. 525 00:32:25,023 --> 00:32:28,400 And that's Nichols. Just got out of SHU a week ago. 526 00:32:28,526 --> 00:32:31,946 Told a CO to kiss her ass. Dumb. 527 00:32:32,030 --> 00:32:33,990 Why make trouble for yourself, you know? 528 00:32:34,073 --> 00:32:35,825 SHU. That's solitary? 529 00:32:35,908 --> 00:32:38,995 Yep. And you don't want it, honey. Trust me. 530 00:32:39,537 --> 00:32:41,914 Here's some toilet paper. You gotta take it with you. 531 00:32:42,874 --> 00:32:45,084 Thanks. What's that thing? 532 00:32:46,794 --> 00:32:50,381 Oh, that's my machine. I need it at night. 533 00:32:50,506 --> 00:32:52,424 When I first got here, I had a massive heart attack. 534 00:32:54,177 --> 00:32:55,220 Do you know about the count? 535 00:32:55,303 --> 00:32:56,971 Wait, can you go back to the heart attack? 536 00:32:57,055 --> 00:32:58,223 I don't like to dwell. 537 00:32:58,389 --> 00:33:00,391 How do I make a phone call? 538 00:33:00,516 --> 00:33:04,687 You need a PAC number. Fill out a form. Whole rigmarole. 539 00:33:04,770 --> 00:33:07,439 But maybe Caputo will let you make a call later. 540 00:33:07,565 --> 00:33:09,525 It helps if you cry. 541 00:33:13,154 --> 00:33:14,280 Don't make your bed! 542 00:33:14,405 --> 00:33:15,406 What? 543 00:33:15,489 --> 00:33:16,908 We'll make it for you. 544 00:33:17,033 --> 00:33:18,576 Oh, no, that's okay. You don't need to do that. 545 00:33:18,784 --> 00:33:19,785 Honey! 546 00:33:20,661 --> 00:33:24,082 We'll make the bed. 547 00:33:24,165 --> 00:33:25,166 We know how. 548 00:33:26,167 --> 00:33:27,293 I know how to make a bed. 549 00:33:27,418 --> 00:33:29,670 We know how to do it so we'll pass inspection. 550 00:33:29,754 --> 00:33:33,841 You can help clean. We clean everything with Maxi Pads. 551 00:33:34,425 --> 00:33:35,426 Seriously? 552 00:33:35,593 --> 00:33:38,054 Yep. It's a head-scratcher, but that's what we got. 553 00:33:38,763 --> 00:33:40,765 So, we make our beds in the morning before they... 554 00:33:40,890 --> 00:33:44,643 No. You sleep on top of the bed. With a blanket over you. 555 00:33:45,270 --> 00:33:46,771 What if I want to sleep in the bed? 556 00:33:46,896 --> 00:33:49,065 Look, you can do what you want, 557 00:33:49,148 --> 00:33:52,277 but you will be the only one in this entire prison that does. 558 00:33:52,402 --> 00:33:55,154 You want that? Be my guest. 559 00:33:55,280 --> 00:33:58,199 Count time! Count time! Count time, ladies! 560 00:33:58,616 --> 00:34:01,452 That light comes on, you need to be where you're supposed to be, 561 00:34:01,577 --> 00:34:05,123 and you don't move until it goes off. Dinner's after. 562 00:34:06,207 --> 00:34:08,293 Hey, blanca. You speak Spanish? 563 00:34:09,127 --> 00:34:12,004 Un poco. Entiendo mas de lo que puedo hablar. 564 00:34:12,588 --> 00:34:15,967 You see, fucking white girl speaks Spanish. 565 00:34:30,898 --> 00:34:31,941 So? 566 00:34:32,150 --> 00:34:33,401 Shh. Wait. 567 00:34:44,996 --> 00:34:46,247 Dinner's at 4:30? 568 00:34:46,372 --> 00:34:48,207 Recount, ladies! 569 00:34:49,125 --> 00:34:51,461 They always screw it up. 570 00:34:51,543 --> 00:34:53,463 How hard is it to fucking count? 571 00:34:53,545 --> 00:34:55,465 Nicky, this is uh... 572 00:34:55,589 --> 00:34:57,008 Piper. Uh, Chapman. 573 00:34:58,134 --> 00:35:00,011 Look at you, blondie. What'd you do? 574 00:35:00,094 --> 00:35:02,763 Aren't you not supposed to ask that question? 575 00:35:02,847 --> 00:35:04,515 I read that you're not supposed to ask that. 576 00:35:05,350 --> 00:35:06,767 You read that? 577 00:35:07,559 --> 00:35:10,146 What, you studied for prison? 578 00:35:19,197 --> 00:35:20,198 What did you do? 579 00:35:20,323 --> 00:35:21,907 I can't understand your French. 580 00:35:22,033 --> 00:35:24,869 Mon bag! Bag! 581 00:35:24,952 --> 00:35:26,371 My bag hasn't arrived. 582 00:35:26,537 --> 00:35:29,374 Oh! The bags do not make it onto the right flight sometime. 583 00:35:29,457 --> 00:35:31,417 Wait for the next shuttle from Paris. 584 00:35:31,542 --> 00:35:33,336 It's probably on that plane. 585 00:35:59,487 --> 00:36:01,239 Mon bag! 586 00:36:01,322 --> 00:36:02,407 My bag. 587 00:36:16,587 --> 00:36:18,089 - Bonjour. - Oh! Bonjour. 588 00:36:19,257 --> 00:36:22,093 Welcome to Belgium. All good? 589 00:36:23,719 --> 00:36:25,596 I was starting to worry. Where did you come from? 590 00:36:25,721 --> 00:36:26,722 Over there. 591 00:36:27,806 --> 00:36:29,016 You didn't go through customs? 592 00:36:29,183 --> 00:36:31,519 No, I just walked out of that door and it brought me right here. 593 00:36:31,602 --> 00:36:35,689 You skipped customs? Holy shit! It's genius. 594 00:36:35,814 --> 00:36:38,401 - Well, should I go back? - Fuck, no. We're going to the hotel. 595 00:36:38,484 --> 00:36:40,694 I'm gonna eat you for dinner. 596 00:36:41,820 --> 00:36:44,782 Alex, I was so freaked out when the bag didn't show up, I almost bailed. 597 00:36:44,949 --> 00:36:46,492 Well, it's good thing you didn't. 598 00:36:46,617 --> 00:36:47,910 There's over 50 grand in that bag. 599 00:36:47,993 --> 00:36:50,329 Kubra would have had you killed. Come on. 600 00:36:52,039 --> 00:36:53,958 Keep moving. You're blocking up the works. 601 00:37:02,800 --> 00:37:05,386 Okay, go sit there. She's a nice white lady. 602 00:37:07,179 --> 00:37:08,180 Thanks. 603 00:37:18,816 --> 00:37:19,984 Hi. 604 00:37:21,652 --> 00:37:22,820 It's okay if I sit here? 605 00:37:23,446 --> 00:37:24,655 Sure, newbie. 606 00:37:26,657 --> 00:37:27,741 I'm Jones. 607 00:37:28,409 --> 00:37:29,577 Chapman. 608 00:37:30,786 --> 00:37:32,246 You doing okay, Chapman? 609 00:37:32,997 --> 00:37:35,333 I don't really know how to answer that question. 610 00:37:36,750 --> 00:37:39,086 Everything's pretty surreal right now. 611 00:37:42,256 --> 00:37:44,216 Do you know what a mandala is? 612 00:37:44,716 --> 00:37:45,759 Um... 613 00:37:45,843 --> 00:37:48,179 Those are those round Buddhist art things. 614 00:37:48,387 --> 00:37:52,183 The Tibetan monks make them out of dyed sand 615 00:37:52,308 --> 00:37:55,811 laid out into big, beautiful designs. 616 00:37:56,187 --> 00:37:59,857 And when they're done, after days or weeks of work, 617 00:37:59,982 --> 00:38:02,026 they wipe it all away. 618 00:38:03,528 --> 00:38:06,531 Wow. That's a lot. 619 00:38:06,947 --> 00:38:10,951 Try to look at your experience here as a mandala, Chapman. 620 00:38:12,203 --> 00:38:17,208 Work hard to make something as meaningful and beautiful as you can. 621 00:38:17,291 --> 00:38:21,003 And when you're done, pack it in and know it was all temporary. 622 00:38:21,629 --> 00:38:25,966 You have to remember that. It's all temporary. 623 00:38:27,385 --> 00:38:29,178 It's all temporary. 624 00:38:30,388 --> 00:38:35,767 I'm telling you. Surviving here is all about perspective. 625 00:38:38,896 --> 00:38:40,064 Don't eat the pudding. 626 00:38:40,189 --> 00:38:42,191 What's the perspective on the pudding? 627 00:38:42,274 --> 00:38:44,443 It comes in big cans marked "Desert Storm." 628 00:38:45,361 --> 00:38:49,574 Sometimes the kitchen has to scrape the mold off the top before they serve it. 629 00:38:50,115 --> 00:38:51,367 Hi, there. 630 00:38:52,034 --> 00:38:54,828 Hi, Sister. This is Chapman. 631 00:38:55,454 --> 00:38:56,622 Sister? As in nun? 632 00:38:56,830 --> 00:38:59,208 Yep. A killer nun. 633 00:39:00,000 --> 00:39:02,044 Now, stop it. She doesn't know you're joking. 634 00:39:02,127 --> 00:39:05,881 She chained herself to a flagpole at a nuclear test site. 635 00:39:10,219 --> 00:39:11,596 Amen. 636 00:39:11,679 --> 00:39:15,224 So. Now, Chapman, what's your story? 637 00:39:15,974 --> 00:39:18,060 I chained myself to a drug dealer. 638 00:39:20,145 --> 00:39:23,608 Piper, you can't be taking advice from a nun and a hippie. 639 00:39:23,815 --> 00:39:28,279 By all means, seek out the supreme wisdom of the junkie philosopher. 640 00:39:28,779 --> 00:39:29,947 I pray for you, Nicky. 641 00:39:30,197 --> 00:39:33,242 Aw. I pray for you, too, Sister. 642 00:39:33,325 --> 00:39:36,828 I lust after you, Yoga Jones, those sinewy arms. 643 00:39:38,163 --> 00:39:39,624 You gotta love a yoga body. 644 00:39:39,749 --> 00:39:42,293 You should come to class. Watch me chaturanga. 645 00:39:42,501 --> 00:39:44,503 That whole common room smells like farts. 646 00:39:44,629 --> 00:39:46,130 It kind of takes away the magic for me. 647 00:39:46,547 --> 00:39:47,715 You like pussy, Piper? 648 00:39:48,173 --> 00:39:50,468 Or you prefer pipe as your name suggests? 649 00:39:50,551 --> 00:39:52,803 I'm feeling some Sapphic vibes coming off you. 650 00:39:52,928 --> 00:39:54,346 Oh, leave her alone. 651 00:39:55,889 --> 00:39:56,974 Come on, Sister. 652 00:39:57,099 --> 00:39:59,143 You know you would've gone my way if you hadn't married Jesus. 653 00:40:06,525 --> 00:40:07,610 Thank you, Mommy. 654 00:40:09,987 --> 00:40:11,029 Thanks, Red. 655 00:40:14,241 --> 00:40:15,326 Thanks, Red. 656 00:40:18,746 --> 00:40:19,871 She's your mom? 657 00:40:20,038 --> 00:40:21,415 Maternal figurehead. 658 00:40:21,499 --> 00:40:24,251 My actual mother lives in Brazil with her boyfriend, Paolo, 659 00:40:24,335 --> 00:40:26,962 who destroys rainforests and collects photorealistic art. 660 00:40:27,045 --> 00:40:29,006 She is a cunt. I am an embarrassment. 661 00:40:29,089 --> 00:40:31,717 Hey, Red. You got one of those for me? 662 00:40:32,384 --> 00:40:34,178 You got what I asked you for? 663 00:40:34,595 --> 00:40:36,263 Uh, I'm working on it. 664 00:40:37,014 --> 00:40:41,352 So am I. Treats come when I sleep better. 665 00:40:46,816 --> 00:40:49,318 How hard is it to get me a board from the woodshop? 666 00:40:49,401 --> 00:40:50,944 People. 667 00:40:53,197 --> 00:40:54,323 Who's this? 668 00:40:54,699 --> 00:40:58,828 This is Chapman. She's new. Self-surrender. Thinks she's fancy. 669 00:41:00,454 --> 00:41:04,208 Here, fancy. Have a yogurt. 670 00:41:07,961 --> 00:41:09,547 What do I have to do for it? 671 00:41:10,548 --> 00:41:14,385 You're new. You're one of us. Consider it a gift. 672 00:41:15,177 --> 00:41:19,348 Thank you. Thank you so much. 673 00:41:23,060 --> 00:41:25,229 The food here is disgusting. 674 00:41:35,030 --> 00:41:36,114 What? 675 00:41:36,323 --> 00:41:38,325 Did I mention that Red runs the kitchen? 676 00:41:41,036 --> 00:41:44,498 Shit. I'm sorry. 677 00:41:49,545 --> 00:41:50,880 Honey. 678 00:41:51,881 --> 00:41:54,258 I know you just got here, so you don't know what's what. 679 00:41:54,550 --> 00:41:56,134 Well, I'm gonna tell you. 680 00:41:56,260 --> 00:42:01,056 You don't like the food? It's no problem. 681 00:42:08,522 --> 00:42:12,568 Holy shit. That was an epic fuck-up. 682 00:42:15,362 --> 00:42:16,363 Can I help you? 683 00:42:16,530 --> 00:42:20,451 Um, I'm Chapman. I'm new today. 684 00:42:20,659 --> 00:42:24,079 They told me I should talk to you. I don't have a PAC number. 685 00:42:24,246 --> 00:42:25,414 Who's they? 686 00:42:28,125 --> 00:42:32,504 Mr. Caputo, please let me call my fiancé. 687 00:42:32,630 --> 00:42:34,381 I have to let him know I'm okay. 688 00:42:35,925 --> 00:42:38,928 Two minutes. You got two minutes, that's it. 689 00:42:39,010 --> 00:42:41,096 Close the door, I don't want a run on my office. 690 00:42:41,221 --> 00:42:43,641 Inmate Gonzalez report to the supply room. 691 00:42:49,647 --> 00:42:51,356 Dial nine to get out. 692 00:43:01,533 --> 00:43:03,494 - Hello, Larry's phone. - Amy? 693 00:43:03,619 --> 00:43:05,245 - Piper? - Give me the phone. 694 00:43:05,329 --> 00:43:07,122 One second. Can I say hello? 695 00:43:07,247 --> 00:43:09,500 Amy, I only have two minutes to talk. 696 00:43:09,625 --> 00:43:12,336 Are you okay? What's it like in there? 697 00:43:12,419 --> 00:43:15,714 Howard and I brought Chinese. Larry is so upset. 698 00:43:15,840 --> 00:43:16,841 - Mom. - Let him talk, Amy. 699 00:43:16,966 --> 00:43:17,967 Ma, give me the phone. 700 00:43:18,049 --> 00:43:19,593 Amy, please let me talk to Larry. 701 00:43:19,677 --> 00:43:22,638 You know, I read that when Martha Stewart was in prison, 702 00:43:22,721 --> 00:43:24,139 she foraged for dandelions. 703 00:43:24,306 --> 00:43:25,724 Okay, Mom, please. 704 00:43:25,850 --> 00:43:28,602 - I was talking! - Amy, it's not always about you, dear. 705 00:43:28,727 --> 00:43:30,521 - What is that supposed to mean? - Piper? 706 00:43:30,604 --> 00:43:32,648 I only have a minute now. I'm calling from the guard's office. 707 00:43:32,731 --> 00:43:34,483 Hey, are you okay? What's going on? 708 00:43:34,566 --> 00:43:35,860 I love you so much. 709 00:43:35,943 --> 00:43:37,820 I love you, too. Are you okay? 710 00:43:37,903 --> 00:43:40,531 I'm wearing granny panties and I've only spoken to white people. 711 00:43:40,656 --> 00:43:42,908 You joining the Aryan Nation? 712 00:43:43,033 --> 00:43:44,869 I don't know. But there's a nun here. 713 00:43:45,035 --> 00:43:47,204 And you're not allowed to sleep in your bed. Only on top of it. 714 00:43:47,287 --> 00:43:48,330 That's weird. 715 00:43:48,455 --> 00:43:49,498 I know, right? 716 00:43:49,581 --> 00:43:50,624 And when I got here, they gave me these 717 00:43:50,708 --> 00:43:53,002 little bars of hotel soap, but no shampoo. 718 00:43:53,377 --> 00:43:57,088 But I think that I can borrow some from other white people. 719 00:43:58,215 --> 00:43:59,758 I love you so much. 720 00:44:01,343 --> 00:44:03,846 One of my roommates had a massive heart attack when she got here. 721 00:44:03,971 --> 00:44:06,223 Okay, you are not allowed to have a heart attack. 722 00:44:07,432 --> 00:44:08,600 What did you have for dinner? 723 00:44:09,476 --> 00:44:11,520 My folks brought from The Palace. 724 00:44:11,645 --> 00:44:13,939 Oh. The Palace. 725 00:44:14,940 --> 00:44:16,567 Dinner here was scary liver. 726 00:44:17,442 --> 00:44:19,611 And I insulted the chef, 727 00:44:19,737 --> 00:44:22,113 and you're not supposed to eat the pudding 728 00:44:22,239 --> 00:44:23,615 because it's been to Desert Storm. 729 00:44:23,741 --> 00:44:26,577 Piper, listen to me. You cannot lose your shit, okay? 730 00:44:26,660 --> 00:44:29,038 I mean it. Please, please tell me you're keeping it together. 731 00:44:29,120 --> 00:44:31,999 Please, please tell me you're okay. 732 00:44:32,165 --> 00:44:35,044 - Wrap it up, Chapman. - I'm Chapman here. 733 00:44:35,252 --> 00:44:41,091 You're my Pipes, okay? And, uh, I love you, and this is only temporary. 734 00:44:42,092 --> 00:44:45,095 That's what Yoga Jones said. But it's just been one day. 735 00:44:45,178 --> 00:44:46,638 And I can't, I can't! 736 00:44:46,764 --> 00:44:48,933 Piper, you can. You so can, okay? 737 00:44:49,058 --> 00:44:51,936 You are so strong, babe. You... 738 00:44:52,019 --> 00:44:53,353 And you love adventure, right? 739 00:44:53,437 --> 00:44:55,731 That's what got you in there, and that's what's gonna get you through. 740 00:44:55,814 --> 00:44:59,735 This is all just a big adventure with liver and Yoga Jones, 741 00:44:59,818 --> 00:45:01,612 and racism. 742 00:45:01,779 --> 00:45:04,031 You can come on Friday. Please come on Friday. 743 00:45:04,113 --> 00:45:05,365 Tell my mother to come on Saturday, 744 00:45:05,449 --> 00:45:07,242 and don't tell her that you're coming on Friday, okay? 745 00:45:07,325 --> 00:45:09,118 Of course. Okay? 746 00:45:09,202 --> 00:45:11,162 Two sleeps. That's it. 747 00:45:11,288 --> 00:45:13,540 Two sleeps on top of your bed. 748 00:45:13,624 --> 00:45:14,959 And then, I will be there. 749 00:45:15,667 --> 00:45:18,295 Coming up on lights out. Say goodbye. 750 00:45:19,128 --> 00:45:20,129 I have to go. 751 00:45:20,255 --> 00:45:21,381 Hey, no crying. 752 00:45:21,465 --> 00:45:22,674 I'm not crying. 753 00:45:22,800 --> 00:45:25,010 Piper, I love you. I will see you on Friday. 754 00:45:25,134 --> 00:45:28,137 Please, be brave. Don't let anyone into your granny panties. 755 00:45:28,263 --> 00:45:29,347 I love you. 756 00:45:29,473 --> 00:45:30,766 I love you. 757 00:45:35,562 --> 00:45:38,565 Your head's not here yet. Don't worry, it'll catch up. 758 00:45:39,775 --> 00:45:42,569 In the meantime, try to get some sleep. 759 00:45:42,653 --> 00:45:45,739 Orientation is tomorrow at 9:00. 760 00:45:45,823 --> 00:45:47,574 Shampoo for you. 761 00:45:49,952 --> 00:45:52,161 I think the words you're looking for are, "Thank you." 762 00:45:52,830 --> 00:45:54,163 Thank you. 763 00:45:54,999 --> 00:45:56,207 Good night, Chapman. 764 00:46:00,462 --> 00:46:02,171 Close the door behind you. 765 00:46:20,858 --> 00:46:23,443 Chapman. Hey, Chapman. 766 00:46:23,527 --> 00:46:24,528 - What? - Rise and shine. 767 00:46:24,653 --> 00:46:25,779 What? What? 768 00:46:25,863 --> 00:46:28,615 You want time to shower and eat, you gotta get up. 769 00:46:28,740 --> 00:46:30,742 Aw, look at your eyes. 770 00:46:30,868 --> 00:46:32,243 You should put some cold water on them. 771 00:46:32,369 --> 00:46:33,662 Okay. Thanks. 772 00:46:33,745 --> 00:46:35,372 Take a nice shower, get dressed, 773 00:46:35,497 --> 00:46:37,708 you'll start to feel normal soon enough. 774 00:46:38,291 --> 00:46:40,002 - You got flip-flops? - No. 775 00:46:40,544 --> 00:46:43,964 Oh, honey. There's wicked fungus in the showers. 776 00:47:01,899 --> 00:47:03,901 You're driving me crazy! 777 00:47:35,849 --> 00:47:38,060 Everyone gets a piece of fruit at breakfast. 778 00:47:38,143 --> 00:47:41,354 I'm telling you, it'll all start to feel normal, soon. Really. 779 00:47:41,939 --> 00:47:44,566 - You hungry? - I'm starving. Excuse me. 780 00:47:44,733 --> 00:47:46,275 - Such pretty hair. - Thank you. 781 00:47:46,484 --> 00:47:47,527 When those roots start to show, 782 00:47:47,611 --> 00:47:48,946 be sure to come and see me, okay? 783 00:47:49,029 --> 00:47:50,781 I'll take good care of you. 784 00:47:50,906 --> 00:47:53,742 But even if you don't come to me, don't go to Danita. 785 00:47:53,825 --> 00:47:57,328 She'll burn the shit out of your scalp. Go. Line's moving. 786 00:47:58,455 --> 00:47:59,748 Wait, Chapman? Are you Chapman? 787 00:47:59,873 --> 00:48:00,958 Yes. 788 00:48:04,878 --> 00:48:06,838 Red says she made that special for you. 789 00:48:06,964 --> 00:48:09,967 Wow. Thanks. Tell her I said thanks. 790 00:48:10,134 --> 00:48:12,052 I don't say nothing. I'm just working. Next. 791 00:48:13,929 --> 00:48:14,972 Man, I'm telling you, 792 00:48:15,097 --> 00:48:17,975 before my teeth got knocked out, I had this awesome gap. 793 00:48:18,058 --> 00:48:19,893 Now they look like Chiclets, look. 794 00:48:20,018 --> 00:48:21,937 You're crazy. Your fake teeth are beautiful. 795 00:48:22,020 --> 00:48:23,730 Bet you never get the food stuck in them. 796 00:48:23,814 --> 00:48:25,523 So, you got the nice fresh breath all the time. 797 00:48:25,649 --> 00:48:26,608 It's minty. It's beautiful. 798 00:48:26,691 --> 00:48:28,652 It's like God put them in you every day. 799 00:48:28,735 --> 00:48:30,154 A summer breeze coming over here. 800 00:48:30,319 --> 00:48:32,823 - Yeah? You like that? - Always smell... Yeah. Yeah. 801 00:48:35,700 --> 00:48:36,952 What did you do? 802 00:48:37,035 --> 00:48:38,536 She insulted the food in front of Red. 803 00:48:38,703 --> 00:48:40,998 Oh, jeez. I don't think you're gonna be eating for a while. 804 00:48:42,166 --> 00:48:46,086 Oh! Put it away. I'm enjoying menopause very much, thank you. 805 00:48:47,171 --> 00:48:49,673 You gotta figure out how to make things right with Red. 806 00:48:49,840 --> 00:48:51,716 And yeah, yeah. You gotta go down to laundry. 807 00:48:51,842 --> 00:48:54,343 Don't forget that. And check the elastic on all the pants. 808 00:48:54,469 --> 00:48:56,221 Don't let them get you stretched-out garbage. 809 00:48:56,345 --> 00:48:58,473 Orientation starts in 10 minutes. 810 00:48:58,556 --> 00:49:00,851 At least you had a nice shower this morning, right? 811 00:49:00,934 --> 00:49:02,186 I think I saw you in there? 812 00:49:06,355 --> 00:49:10,027 I don't... I don't know. Excuse me. 813 00:49:10,110 --> 00:49:12,361 Hey! Hey, hey, don't forget, you gotta bus your tray. 814 00:49:19,036 --> 00:49:20,912 Where's she going with that tray? 815 00:49:21,038 --> 00:49:22,080 Can't take them out of here. 816 00:49:22,247 --> 00:49:23,372 Yeah, she'll figure it out. 817 00:49:23,581 --> 00:49:25,209 Was she really in the shower this morning? 818 00:49:46,730 --> 00:49:48,732 Maybe this is a bad time to say hi, huh?