1 00:00:05,735 --> 00:00:08,071 PIPER: I've always loved getting clean. 2 00:00:09,363 --> 00:00:10,949 I love baths. 3 00:00:12,200 --> 00:00:14,161 I love showers. 4 00:00:20,834 --> 00:00:22,669 It's my happy place. 5 00:00:27,590 --> 00:00:28,758 (DOOR BUZZES) 6 00:00:29,176 --> 00:00:30,927 Was my happy place. 7 00:00:39,102 --> 00:00:42,189 MAN OVER PA: All inmates in D dorm must be checked for lice. 8 00:00:42,480 --> 00:00:45,984 Repeat, all inmates in D dorm must be checked for lice. 9 00:00:46,151 --> 00:00:47,694 (CLEARS THROAT) 10 00:00:48,444 --> 00:00:51,447 Oh, I'll be out in a sec. I swear. 11 00:00:51,531 --> 00:00:55,702 Mmm-hmm. I'll wait. There best be some hot water left. 12 00:00:55,869 --> 00:00:58,038 There wasn't very much when I started. 13 00:00:58,163 --> 00:00:59,164 Mmm-hmm. 14 00:00:59,789 --> 00:01:01,708 Man, hurry! 15 00:01:01,833 --> 00:01:04,711 All right, okay, okay. 16 00:01:04,836 --> 00:01:06,880 I'm done. I'm out. I'm totally out. 17 00:01:07,005 --> 00:01:08,840 Damn, you got some nice titties. 18 00:01:08,923 --> 00:01:09,883 (LAUGHS) 19 00:01:10,008 --> 00:01:12,426 - Thank you. - You got them TV titties. 20 00:01:12,552 --> 00:01:15,763 They stand up on they own all perky and everything. 21 00:01:15,889 --> 00:01:17,431 Okay. 22 00:01:19,059 --> 00:01:22,603 You know they sell flip-flops at the commissary. 23 00:01:23,146 --> 00:01:24,898 My money's not in yet, so. 24 00:01:25,023 --> 00:01:28,609 You creative. I give you that, high-tits. 25 00:01:28,735 --> 00:01:29,736 (LAUGHS) 26 00:01:29,903 --> 00:01:32,072 Now get the fuck out the way. 27 00:01:32,404 --> 00:01:33,447 Okay. 28 00:01:39,411 --> 00:01:41,705 (TAYSTEE SINGING) 29 00:01:52,717 --> 00:01:54,094 (THEME SONG PLAYING) 30 00:03:05,873 --> 00:03:07,959 So, there's an entire pig in there? 31 00:03:08,209 --> 00:03:09,210 Yes. 32 00:03:09,336 --> 00:03:10,753 For four of us? 33 00:03:11,129 --> 00:03:14,341 It's a small pig. I really wanted to use the box. 34 00:03:14,466 --> 00:03:15,925 It was my birthday present. 35 00:03:16,259 --> 00:03:18,178 She's guilty she's leaving. 36 00:03:18,303 --> 00:03:19,679 It's a guilt pig-roasting box. 37 00:03:19,804 --> 00:03:21,555 At least you get something. 38 00:03:21,681 --> 00:03:24,392 I'm not getting laid for a year, too, but what do I get? 39 00:03:24,976 --> 00:03:26,019 A baby? 40 00:03:26,144 --> 00:03:27,437 But you can't eat it. 41 00:03:27,519 --> 00:03:28,520 (CHUCKLES) 42 00:03:29,189 --> 00:03:32,192 - Are we really gonna eat that? - It's thematic. 43 00:03:32,275 --> 00:03:33,943 POLLY: You're not serving time in Cuba. 44 00:03:34,277 --> 00:03:35,653 Pigs. Cops. 45 00:03:39,949 --> 00:03:42,160 How the fuck are you going to jail tomorrow? 46 00:03:42,827 --> 00:03:44,662 Prison, not jail. 47 00:03:45,913 --> 00:03:47,374 You're missing my shower. 48 00:03:48,124 --> 00:03:49,750 Polly, I'm really sorry. 49 00:03:51,127 --> 00:03:52,420 I know. 50 00:03:55,382 --> 00:03:58,551 You focus on how you're gonna maintain your eyebrows behind bars. 51 00:03:59,135 --> 00:04:01,887 You may not come back with a unibrow. 52 00:04:04,182 --> 00:04:05,225 Am I allowed to cry? 53 00:04:05,308 --> 00:04:07,894 No. Seriously, no. 54 00:04:08,644 --> 00:04:13,191 - (SIGHS) - Okay, we are ready. Everybody inside. 55 00:04:13,649 --> 00:04:14,817 - Need a hoist? - Yeah. 56 00:04:14,901 --> 00:04:16,486 - Big girl. - (CHUCKLES) 57 00:04:16,819 --> 00:04:18,612 On to the last supper. 58 00:04:21,741 --> 00:04:23,701 - We got to do it. - I know. 59 00:04:24,118 --> 00:04:25,119 (SIGHS) 60 00:04:25,245 --> 00:04:27,038 God, we really should not have eaten so much. 61 00:04:27,121 --> 00:04:29,541 I know. Come on, we gotta rally. 62 00:04:29,707 --> 00:04:30,791 Okay. 63 00:04:30,917 --> 00:04:34,087 - Make some memories, you know? - Yeah. 64 00:04:34,212 --> 00:04:36,923 You need spank-bank material. 65 00:04:37,215 --> 00:04:40,009 - Oh, well, I mean, when you say it like that. - Mmm. 66 00:04:45,515 --> 00:04:46,724 Mmm-hmm. 67 00:04:46,807 --> 00:04:48,435 (BOTH MOANING) 68 00:04:51,771 --> 00:04:53,898 - Wait, I got... - What? 69 00:04:53,981 --> 00:04:56,109 - I gotta pee. - What? No. 70 00:04:56,192 --> 00:04:57,235 - Yeah. - Really? 71 00:04:57,318 --> 00:04:59,446 - I just... - Oh. 72 00:05:00,321 --> 00:05:02,865 - I'll be... I'll be right back. - Oh! 73 00:05:06,953 --> 00:05:08,079 Hey. 74 00:05:08,871 --> 00:05:09,914 Yeah? 75 00:05:11,165 --> 00:05:12,417 You look beautiful. 76 00:05:14,835 --> 00:05:16,045 Thanks. 77 00:05:17,255 --> 00:05:18,590 (SIGHS) 78 00:05:19,632 --> 00:05:20,967 Oh! 79 00:05:23,719 --> 00:05:25,096 (GRUNTS) 80 00:05:29,100 --> 00:05:30,477 Oh, shit. 81 00:05:34,355 --> 00:05:35,607 (SOBBING) 82 00:06:20,860 --> 00:06:21,861 (FLUSHING) 83 00:06:30,578 --> 00:06:31,703 What? 84 00:06:35,542 --> 00:06:37,544 You look beautiful, too. 85 00:06:42,215 --> 00:06:45,259 (CLEARS THROAT) Come on. Get in. 86 00:07:06,822 --> 00:07:08,157 Hey. You're crying. 87 00:07:08,241 --> 00:07:09,242 Shh! 88 00:07:10,702 --> 00:07:11,911 Just fuck me. 89 00:07:11,994 --> 00:07:13,246 Piper. 90 00:07:13,329 --> 00:07:14,997 Shut up. 91 00:07:15,081 --> 00:07:18,292 Please. Please. 92 00:07:21,337 --> 00:07:22,589 Okay. 93 00:08:02,629 --> 00:08:03,879 No visiting today. 94 00:08:03,963 --> 00:08:07,300 Hi, um, I'm here to surrender. 95 00:08:07,425 --> 00:08:08,968 Oh, okay, then. 96 00:08:13,347 --> 00:08:14,974 Did he look surprised to you? 97 00:08:15,057 --> 00:08:17,685 When I said that I was here to surrender? Didn't he look surprised? 98 00:08:17,810 --> 00:08:19,562 Like, "What the hell is she doing here?" 99 00:08:20,313 --> 00:08:23,316 - I didn't notice. - Well, he looked surprised to me. 100 00:08:25,985 --> 00:08:30,114 I look like shit. My eyes are all puffy. 101 00:08:30,197 --> 00:08:31,282 You're worried about how you look? 102 00:08:31,365 --> 00:08:32,492 Well, they're gonna know that I was crying. 103 00:08:32,575 --> 00:08:34,243 It's a sign of weakness. You can't show any weakness. 104 00:08:34,327 --> 00:08:35,703 That's what all of the books said. 105 00:08:35,828 --> 00:08:36,912 Oh, sweetie... 106 00:08:36,996 --> 00:08:38,831 Don't call me sweetie. 107 00:08:38,914 --> 00:08:40,333 Oh, Leonard. 108 00:08:41,334 --> 00:08:43,002 That's better. 109 00:08:49,175 --> 00:08:51,135 I can't take it with me. 110 00:08:51,844 --> 00:08:53,053 Oh. 111 00:08:54,472 --> 00:08:56,474 Oh, okay. Right. 112 00:08:59,477 --> 00:09:00,812 What are you doing? 113 00:09:00,894 --> 00:09:01,937 What? 114 00:09:02,021 --> 00:09:03,397 You can't put that in your pocket. 115 00:09:03,523 --> 00:09:05,441 It's gonna end up at the bottom of the washing machine. 116 00:09:05,525 --> 00:09:07,193 Okay. Um... 117 00:09:07,318 --> 00:09:08,653 Where would you like me to put it then, Piper? 118 00:09:08,736 --> 00:09:10,196 Up your ass. 119 00:09:10,780 --> 00:09:13,533 There's no room. Apparently, my head's already up there. 120 00:09:14,450 --> 00:09:15,785 I'm sorry. 121 00:09:18,830 --> 00:09:19,955 It's okay. 122 00:09:23,209 --> 00:09:24,460 You know what? 123 00:09:25,712 --> 00:09:28,964 - I'm gonna put it in my wallet. Okay? - Mmm-hmm. 124 00:09:29,048 --> 00:09:33,386 And when I get home, I will put it in your jewelry box. 125 00:09:34,178 --> 00:09:36,138 Until I'm short on rent, then I may hock it. 126 00:09:36,222 --> 00:09:39,642 But I'll try to get it back before you're out. 127 00:09:46,023 --> 00:09:47,149 We should go. 128 00:09:47,775 --> 00:09:48,901 Okay. 129 00:09:52,071 --> 00:09:53,740 (EXHALES) Okay. 130 00:09:55,032 --> 00:09:56,242 WOMAN: Self-surrender. 131 00:09:56,367 --> 00:09:58,118 Yeah, well, no one told me either. 132 00:09:58,244 --> 00:09:59,537 MAN OVER PA: Available guards... 133 00:09:59,620 --> 00:10:01,497 Got the paperwork right here. 134 00:10:01,581 --> 00:10:03,583 Name is Chapman. 135 00:10:04,333 --> 00:10:09,756 Yeah. Chap, like when your lips get all dry they're chapped. 136 00:10:10,047 --> 00:10:11,048 Have a seat. 137 00:10:14,552 --> 00:10:16,512 Piper. Rhymes with sniper. 138 00:10:16,596 --> 00:10:19,306 - MAN OVER PA: Inmate Robinson to the visitor area. - (SIGHS) 139 00:10:23,102 --> 00:10:24,395 You hungry? 140 00:10:24,478 --> 00:10:25,646 Not really. 141 00:10:25,772 --> 00:10:27,440 WOMAN OVER PA: Guard Thomson to the tower. 142 00:10:27,565 --> 00:10:28,691 Eat anyway. 143 00:10:29,233 --> 00:10:30,735 - It's burrata. - Aw. 144 00:10:32,111 --> 00:10:33,446 Thank you. 145 00:10:37,991 --> 00:10:41,954 My mother told her friends I'm doing volunteer work in Africa. 146 00:10:42,329 --> 00:10:43,790 (CHUCKLES) 147 00:10:43,915 --> 00:10:47,293 I bet they're all appalled that you've gone somewhere so filthy and dangerous. 148 00:10:50,421 --> 00:10:54,884 So I never carried drugs. Just money. 149 00:10:55,760 --> 00:10:57,136 You were a lesbian? 150 00:10:57,804 --> 00:10:59,263 At the time. 151 00:11:00,222 --> 00:11:01,307 You still a lesbian? 152 00:11:01,933 --> 00:11:03,350 No, I'm not still a lesbian. 153 00:11:03,684 --> 00:11:04,811 You sure? 154 00:11:06,228 --> 00:11:10,441 I once kissed Mary Straley when I was at Miss Porter's school. 155 00:11:10,524 --> 00:11:11,818 But it wasn't for me. 156 00:11:12,151 --> 00:11:13,193 Wow. 157 00:11:14,069 --> 00:11:15,154 Did you know about all this? 158 00:11:15,321 --> 00:11:18,658 No. No, no, I didn't. 159 00:11:18,783 --> 00:11:20,284 (CLEARS THROAT) 160 00:11:20,367 --> 00:11:23,245 I mean, she told me how she traveled after college, 161 00:11:23,329 --> 00:11:25,498 but she failed to mention the lesbian lover 162 00:11:25,623 --> 00:11:27,458 who ran an international drug smuggling ring. 163 00:11:27,541 --> 00:11:29,209 Imagine my surprise. 164 00:11:30,210 --> 00:11:32,338 What on earth did you do with the money? 165 00:11:32,505 --> 00:11:35,341 Well, Grandmother, I wasn't really in it for the money. 166 00:11:36,091 --> 00:11:38,636 Oh, Piper, for heaven's sake! 167 00:11:38,928 --> 00:11:40,262 (CHUCKLES) 168 00:11:43,432 --> 00:11:45,852 So this is my last post as a free woman. 169 00:11:45,977 --> 00:11:48,312 - What are you gonna write? - WOMAN: Hey! Uh-uh. 170 00:11:48,395 --> 00:11:50,648 Oh, no. You cannot have a phone in here. 171 00:11:50,731 --> 00:11:52,692 This is a federal facility. You have to take that out. 172 00:11:52,817 --> 00:11:55,110 Oh, can I? Am I allowed to go out? 173 00:11:55,194 --> 00:11:56,236 He can take it out. 174 00:11:56,362 --> 00:11:58,739 So no phone? 175 00:11:58,865 --> 00:12:00,407 - You knew that. - Now. 176 00:12:00,533 --> 00:12:02,368 Oh, my God, Larry, by the time I get out 177 00:12:02,493 --> 00:12:04,829 there'll have been, like, three new generations of iPhones. 178 00:12:04,912 --> 00:12:07,707 Sir, I can get an officer to escort you out. 179 00:12:07,790 --> 00:12:11,460 No, I'm going. It's okay, I'm going, okay? I'll be right back, okay? 180 00:12:11,544 --> 00:12:14,588 I'll take the phone to the car, I'll be right back. 181 00:12:14,714 --> 00:12:15,923 Okay? Two seconds. 182 00:12:16,047 --> 00:12:17,466 - Yeah? - Okay. 183 00:12:19,050 --> 00:12:20,427 Two seconds. 184 00:12:22,596 --> 00:12:23,597 (DOOR CLOSING) 185 00:12:23,723 --> 00:12:24,891 - BELL: Chapman! - Yes. 186 00:12:26,225 --> 00:12:29,228 Yes, that's me. But you have to wait. 187 00:12:29,311 --> 00:12:30,563 You're telling me what I have to do? 188 00:12:31,647 --> 00:12:33,566 Get your ass over here, Chapman, now. Move it. 189 00:12:33,649 --> 00:12:34,775 He's, he's gonna be right back. 190 00:12:34,901 --> 00:12:36,067 We've been waiting here for two hours. 191 00:12:36,193 --> 00:12:37,528 And the wait is over. 192 00:12:37,611 --> 00:12:39,070 Here's your temporary ID, 193 00:12:39,154 --> 00:12:41,699 you'll stick this on your uniform when we get to that. Now... 194 00:12:41,782 --> 00:12:43,743 - Here. I'm here. Here I am. - Here he is. 195 00:12:43,868 --> 00:12:46,037 - Who's this? - My fiancé. 196 00:12:46,119 --> 00:12:47,371 Yeah? Good luck with that. 197 00:12:47,454 --> 00:12:48,581 Excuse me? 198 00:12:48,664 --> 00:12:50,416 - Any personal items? - Here. 199 00:12:54,169 --> 00:12:55,379 You can't take this check. 200 00:12:55,462 --> 00:12:57,631 But we called last week. And they told me to bring it. 201 00:12:57,757 --> 00:12:58,925 He has to send it to Iowa. 202 00:12:59,008 --> 00:13:00,426 It takes a few weeks to process. 203 00:13:00,509 --> 00:13:03,054 A few weeks? Doesn't she need to buy things? 204 00:13:03,136 --> 00:13:04,221 How it is. 205 00:13:05,514 --> 00:13:06,724 Where do we send it? 206 00:13:06,974 --> 00:13:09,602 Hey, you got that Iowa address? 207 00:13:10,519 --> 00:13:13,606 Any Nudie Judies in here? Skin pics? Naughty stuff? 208 00:13:13,731 --> 00:13:15,984 No. No Nudie Judies. 209 00:13:16,525 --> 00:13:19,236 Time to say goodbye. It might be a while till you can visit, fiancé. 210 00:13:22,031 --> 00:13:23,114 I love you so much. 211 00:13:23,240 --> 00:13:24,241 I love you, too! 212 00:13:24,825 --> 00:13:26,410 - I'll call you as soon as I can. - Okay. 213 00:13:26,493 --> 00:13:28,662 Okay? Please send that check immediately. 214 00:13:28,829 --> 00:13:30,121 Okay. I will. 215 00:13:30,205 --> 00:13:32,458 I love you. Please keep my website updated. 216 00:13:32,583 --> 00:13:33,626 I love you so much. 217 00:13:34,125 --> 00:13:35,294 (SOBS) 218 00:13:36,127 --> 00:13:37,128 It's okay. 219 00:13:46,806 --> 00:13:48,139 It's okay. 220 00:13:55,940 --> 00:13:57,316 (DOOR CLOSES) 221 00:13:59,986 --> 00:14:02,321 - BELL: What size shoe are you? - Nine and a half, ten. 222 00:14:08,243 --> 00:14:09,662 These are kinda like Toms. 223 00:14:09,745 --> 00:14:12,498 - Who's Tom? - Toms are shoes. 224 00:14:12,623 --> 00:14:15,751 When you buy a pair, the company gives another to a child in need. 225 00:14:15,835 --> 00:14:18,295 They're great. And they come in lots of different colors and... 226 00:14:18,378 --> 00:14:19,672 How nice. 227 00:14:21,674 --> 00:14:22,675 Strip. 228 00:14:24,010 --> 00:14:25,552 (SOUL MUSIC PLAYING) 229 00:14:45,322 --> 00:14:46,365 Get over here. 230 00:14:59,294 --> 00:15:00,671 (MOUTHING) Come here. 231 00:15:13,600 --> 00:15:15,477 Are you gonna miss me? 232 00:15:16,395 --> 00:15:17,730 Yes. 233 00:15:20,816 --> 00:15:21,859 Too much. 234 00:15:25,320 --> 00:15:26,446 Come with me. 235 00:15:27,198 --> 00:15:28,448 What? 236 00:15:29,408 --> 00:15:30,826 Come to Bali. 237 00:15:30,910 --> 00:15:31,911 (MUSIC STOPS) 238 00:15:32,452 --> 00:15:34,454 Come with me. I mean it. I'll buy you a plane ticket. 239 00:15:38,375 --> 00:15:39,585 Are you serious? 240 00:15:42,129 --> 00:15:43,338 Yes. 241 00:15:44,173 --> 00:15:45,174 (KISSES) 242 00:15:46,466 --> 00:15:51,138 Come with me. Quit your job. Come with me. 243 00:15:52,098 --> 00:15:56,393 Well, I'd have to give notice. 244 00:15:56,476 --> 00:15:58,938 You're a fucking waitress. You don't need to give a notice. 245 00:16:00,064 --> 00:16:01,690 Will I get in trouble? 246 00:16:01,774 --> 00:16:02,858 God, I hope so. 247 00:16:03,234 --> 00:16:04,276 (CHUCKLES) 248 00:16:07,529 --> 00:16:09,615 You know what I mean. 249 00:16:09,698 --> 00:16:11,575 You don't have to do anything. 250 00:16:12,451 --> 00:16:15,871 You're just there to keep me company, all right? 251 00:16:19,583 --> 00:16:21,085 Come on, babe. I want you to come. 252 00:16:21,794 --> 00:16:23,003 And I want you to come. 253 00:16:25,589 --> 00:16:26,840 (MOANING) 254 00:16:26,966 --> 00:16:28,801 Yes? Is that a yes? 255 00:16:28,926 --> 00:16:30,136 Yes. 256 00:16:31,845 --> 00:16:33,097 Yes. 257 00:16:33,513 --> 00:16:35,015 BELL: Open your mouth, stick out your tongue. 258 00:16:35,432 --> 00:16:37,392 MAN OVER PA: Inmates, an updated facility rules with 259 00:16:37,476 --> 00:16:39,311 inmate discipline list is posted in the day room. 260 00:16:41,480 --> 00:16:42,606 Lift up your arms. 261 00:16:45,525 --> 00:16:46,819 Turn around. 262 00:16:50,489 --> 00:16:51,615 Squat. 263 00:16:54,952 --> 00:16:56,578 Spread your cheeks and cough. 264 00:16:58,956 --> 00:17:00,166 Seriously? 265 00:17:05,254 --> 00:17:06,379 (COUGHS) 266 00:17:13,095 --> 00:17:14,305 That it? 267 00:17:14,387 --> 00:17:16,056 One more coming, hold on. 268 00:17:21,520 --> 00:17:22,729 My zipper's broken. 269 00:17:25,565 --> 00:17:26,692 First time down? 270 00:17:26,817 --> 00:17:28,027 My first time here? 271 00:17:28,568 --> 00:17:30,737 Oh, no, your first time in prison? 272 00:17:30,863 --> 00:17:33,157 Oh, yeah. 273 00:17:33,240 --> 00:17:36,160 It's not so bad. Everyone's okay. 274 00:17:36,243 --> 00:17:38,329 You've gotta watch out for the stealing. 275 00:17:40,539 --> 00:17:42,541 So, what's your name? Your last name. 276 00:17:42,624 --> 00:17:44,543 Everyone uses last names here. 277 00:17:44,668 --> 00:17:47,338 I'm Morello and that is Watson. 278 00:17:48,714 --> 00:17:49,756 Chapman. 279 00:17:49,882 --> 00:17:51,758 And how much time you got, Chapman? 280 00:17:53,135 --> 00:17:54,178 Fifteen months. 281 00:17:54,261 --> 00:17:56,972 Oh, that's not so bad. I got 34, 282 00:17:57,056 --> 00:17:59,391 but I'm hoping with good time it'll be less. 283 00:17:59,474 --> 00:18:03,770 You... so you're a... they let you drive? 284 00:18:03,896 --> 00:18:05,856 Well, who else is gonna do it? (CHUCKLES) 285 00:18:05,939 --> 00:18:08,234 We do everything around here. 286 00:18:09,442 --> 00:18:12,905 Hey, can I ask you something? You look like you'd know. 287 00:18:13,030 --> 00:18:14,614 All right, which dress you like better? 288 00:18:14,740 --> 00:18:16,033 My top two faves are the ones 289 00:18:16,116 --> 00:18:18,410 with the half-and-half lids stuck to the pages. 290 00:18:18,493 --> 00:18:22,039 See, I want something that's gonna express my personality. 291 00:18:22,122 --> 00:18:25,500 And the trick is, I wanna show off the boobs and the ass, 292 00:18:25,584 --> 00:18:28,337 but I'm not so happy with the upper arms and the stomach, 293 00:18:28,420 --> 00:18:30,256 so there's the challenge. 294 00:18:33,384 --> 00:18:34,385 Both nice. 295 00:18:35,427 --> 00:18:36,678 That's all you gotta say? 296 00:18:39,431 --> 00:18:42,601 I gotta look good. My first dance is gonna go on YouTube. 297 00:18:42,726 --> 00:18:45,729 Look! I found a rock that looks like a penis with one ball. 298 00:18:45,812 --> 00:18:48,023 - No. - It's my Lance Armstrong rock. 299 00:18:48,565 --> 00:18:51,860 Hold it up. Let me see, let me see. Nice. 300 00:18:51,944 --> 00:18:53,695 Okay, now lick it, softly and tenderly, 301 00:18:53,779 --> 00:18:55,155 like you would've when you thought he was clean. 302 00:18:55,281 --> 00:18:56,615 Oh, Jesus! Shut that thing off. 303 00:18:56,698 --> 00:18:58,784 You're making a huge mistake. This could go viral. 304 00:18:58,951 --> 00:18:59,993 Seriously, shut it off. 305 00:19:00,119 --> 00:19:01,954 - What? - I'm so fat from all the stress-eating. 306 00:19:02,079 --> 00:19:04,623 I really don't want a record of it. 307 00:19:06,458 --> 00:19:08,794 You know, that's one thing I'm gonna do in prison. 308 00:19:08,877 --> 00:19:11,046 I'm gonna get ripped. 309 00:19:11,964 --> 00:19:13,799 Like Jackie Warner ripped. 310 00:19:14,466 --> 00:19:17,469 And I'm gonna read everything on my Amazon wish list. 311 00:19:17,594 --> 00:19:21,890 And maybe even learn a craft, you know? I could be crafty. 312 00:19:21,974 --> 00:19:23,600 I'm gonna make it count, Larry. 313 00:19:23,683 --> 00:19:27,062 I'm not gonna throw away a year of my life. 314 00:19:27,146 --> 00:19:28,605 What the hell are you looking for? 315 00:19:34,694 --> 00:19:36,155 Oh, no! 316 00:19:36,238 --> 00:19:37,323 What is that? 317 00:19:37,406 --> 00:19:38,991 Piper... 318 00:19:39,074 --> 00:19:40,867 Oh, Jesus, Larry. Why would you want... 319 00:19:41,034 --> 00:19:45,747 Why would I want a felonious, former lesbian, WASP-shiksa 320 00:19:45,831 --> 00:19:47,333 who's about to go to prison, to marry me? 321 00:19:47,458 --> 00:19:49,501 Yes. And all of the stress-eating? 322 00:19:50,461 --> 00:19:54,298 Well, because this peculiar, 323 00:19:55,507 --> 00:19:59,261 underachieving, underemployed Jew-boy loves her. 324 00:20:01,180 --> 00:20:04,516 And knows that he will never be bored, 325 00:20:05,225 --> 00:20:10,856 and can't believe how lucky he is that he met her. 326 00:20:13,817 --> 00:20:16,862 I gotta lock this shit down before you leave, Pipes. 327 00:20:19,698 --> 00:20:21,074 I love you. 328 00:20:22,534 --> 00:20:23,785 You wanna marry me? 329 00:20:24,453 --> 00:20:25,912 When I get out, right? 330 00:20:26,038 --> 00:20:27,706 Whenever you want. 331 00:20:28,665 --> 00:20:29,958 I'll be so ripped. 332 00:20:30,209 --> 00:20:31,918 (CHUCKLES) 333 00:20:32,044 --> 00:20:36,048 You could wear a wedding dress that's like a half-shirt, you know? 334 00:20:36,131 --> 00:20:37,799 Show off those abs. 335 00:20:37,883 --> 00:20:39,385 Yeah! (CHUCKLES) 336 00:20:45,015 --> 00:20:46,850 Was it your grandmother's? 337 00:20:47,017 --> 00:20:49,561 No, my mom's saving that one for my sister. 338 00:20:49,686 --> 00:20:52,105 This is my great-aunt Marcia's. 339 00:20:52,231 --> 00:20:53,690 She had thyroid cancer 340 00:20:53,773 --> 00:20:56,943 and a series of schnauzers, all named Schnapps. That's all I know. 341 00:20:58,570 --> 00:21:01,614 Put it on. I had it sized. Good. 342 00:21:06,912 --> 00:21:08,163 It's beautiful. 343 00:21:08,247 --> 00:21:09,915 And that's a "yes," right? 344 00:21:09,998 --> 00:21:11,250 Yes. 345 00:21:11,750 --> 00:21:12,876 Yeah. 346 00:21:13,502 --> 00:21:16,129 Will you say that just one more time for me? 347 00:21:16,255 --> 00:21:19,174 But, this time, just into the camera, okay? 348 00:21:19,258 --> 00:21:21,718 - Oh, you asshole! - (LAUGHS) 349 00:21:21,801 --> 00:21:23,678 - Come on, I had to capture the moment. - Shit. Turn it off! 350 00:21:23,762 --> 00:21:25,556 - What? - Give me that! 351 00:21:28,058 --> 00:21:30,310 Oh, you're cold. Come here. 352 00:21:30,436 --> 00:21:32,438 Bounce your legs up and down. It keeps your feet warm. 353 00:21:32,521 --> 00:21:33,730 Thanks. 354 00:21:35,023 --> 00:21:37,568 You think your man is still gonna be around when you're out? 355 00:21:37,650 --> 00:21:40,070 Yeah, he'll be there. I'm the love of his life. 356 00:21:41,821 --> 00:21:43,823 Thirty-four months is a long time. 357 00:21:44,699 --> 00:21:46,618 Yeah, but she's the love of his life! 358 00:21:47,453 --> 00:21:49,746 And who the fuck asked you? 359 00:21:49,829 --> 00:21:50,956 MAN: Head on up. 360 00:21:51,039 --> 00:21:52,583 WOMAN OVER PA: All the gates open to one and two. 361 00:21:52,665 --> 00:21:55,961 All right, so his tie is gonna match the bridesmaids' dresses. 362 00:21:56,044 --> 00:21:57,379 There's six bridesmaids. 363 00:21:57,463 --> 00:21:59,506 My cousin's being a bitch, so I'm thinking about dropping her. 364 00:22:08,515 --> 00:22:10,309 LORNA: All right, let's go. 365 00:22:16,231 --> 00:22:17,608 (WHISTLING) 366 00:22:21,778 --> 00:22:23,405 (INDISTINCT TALKING) 367 00:22:24,615 --> 00:22:25,991 (LAUGHING) 368 00:22:33,165 --> 00:22:34,333 (DOOR BUZZING) 369 00:22:35,375 --> 00:22:36,460 Hello, Miss Claudette. 370 00:22:36,543 --> 00:22:38,044 Morello. 371 00:22:41,047 --> 00:22:42,299 Watch out for that one. 372 00:22:42,382 --> 00:22:44,510 Don't get me wrong, she's a good lady, 373 00:22:44,635 --> 00:22:46,178 but you don't wanna get on her bad side. 374 00:22:46,928 --> 00:22:48,597 Go ahead. Go. 375 00:22:51,475 --> 00:22:54,227 Okay, I'm gonna send you all through to processing, 376 00:22:54,353 --> 00:22:55,686 you'll get your room assignments, 377 00:22:55,812 --> 00:22:58,898 and I'll meet you back here and show you your bunks. Okay? 378 00:22:59,024 --> 00:23:01,443 Don't look so bummed. Gonna get the wrinkles. 379 00:23:01,776 --> 00:23:04,363 PORNSTACHE: All right, raise your head and look at the lens. 380 00:23:05,696 --> 00:23:07,407 Oh, crap! 381 00:23:07,782 --> 00:23:10,494 New guy, what's your name, Bennett? 382 00:23:11,244 --> 00:23:13,539 Bennett, it's not fucking working again. 383 00:23:13,664 --> 00:23:15,957 - You turn it on? - Yeah, I turned it on. 384 00:23:17,083 --> 00:23:18,418 (CLEARS THROAT) 385 00:23:19,794 --> 00:23:23,256 Wait, I think I got it. Ready? 386 00:23:23,382 --> 00:23:24,715 Yeah. Yep. 387 00:23:26,218 --> 00:23:27,927 Wait, no. 388 00:23:28,053 --> 00:23:29,971 - What does this button do? - No! Don't touch that. 389 00:23:30,763 --> 00:23:32,307 Sorry, princess. 390 00:23:33,266 --> 00:23:34,434 There's a cord right there. 391 00:23:34,560 --> 00:23:37,312 Do you think that that needs to be connected to something? 392 00:23:38,647 --> 00:23:40,232 Shut your mouth and stand still. 393 00:23:42,733 --> 00:23:44,069 (LAPTOP BEEPS) 394 00:23:44,528 --> 00:23:46,363 - She's right. - Okay, fine. 395 00:23:46,446 --> 00:23:47,573 PORNSTACHE: Got it. 396 00:23:47,698 --> 00:23:48,823 I wasn't ready. 397 00:23:48,907 --> 00:23:50,867 Tough shit. Next. 398 00:23:51,243 --> 00:23:54,745 This is a TB test. Nice veins. 399 00:23:54,829 --> 00:23:56,665 - No track marks. - Thanks. 400 00:23:56,747 --> 00:23:58,458 Tattoos? 401 00:23:58,584 --> 00:23:59,834 Oh, yeah. 402 00:24:01,712 --> 00:24:03,422 Oh, a fish. You like fish? 403 00:24:05,340 --> 00:24:08,594 Saw it on a scuba diving trip. 404 00:24:08,719 --> 00:24:09,969 Thought it was beautiful. 405 00:24:10,095 --> 00:24:15,183 I don't like fish. I like pork, chicken. But it's a pretty fish. 406 00:24:16,560 --> 00:24:17,894 Thanks. 407 00:24:17,977 --> 00:24:19,438 PIPER: It's gonna rub off when I sweat. 408 00:24:19,563 --> 00:24:22,608 No, it won't. It's waterproof. Stop. 409 00:24:24,775 --> 00:24:28,447 So, when this dries, you should be good to go. 410 00:24:30,198 --> 00:24:31,491 How am I gonna get it off? 411 00:24:31,617 --> 00:24:32,743 Acetone. 412 00:24:34,745 --> 00:24:36,913 Great. Alex, I don't, I don't know if I can... 413 00:24:36,996 --> 00:24:38,457 Hey. 414 00:24:38,540 --> 00:24:39,999 Hey, hey, hey. 415 00:24:40,125 --> 00:24:41,126 Shh! 416 00:24:43,878 --> 00:24:45,880 (SIGHS) 417 00:24:45,964 --> 00:24:49,509 You are a nice blonde lady, aren't you? 418 00:24:52,137 --> 00:24:53,930 A proper young lady. 419 00:24:55,515 --> 00:24:58,560 Just picking up her sensible bag in the baggage claim 420 00:24:59,269 --> 00:25:02,648 before heading off to her mid-range hotel to go over her schedules. 421 00:25:02,773 --> 00:25:05,108 Museum visits and fancy dinners. 422 00:25:12,324 --> 00:25:15,910 It's all fine. It's all good. 423 00:25:17,120 --> 00:25:18,371 And I will meet you in Brussels, 424 00:25:18,497 --> 00:25:20,749 and everything will work out perfectly, babe. 425 00:25:20,831 --> 00:25:22,167 I promise. 426 00:25:24,294 --> 00:25:26,171 It's all gonna be okay. 427 00:25:27,631 --> 00:25:28,632 HEALY: Are you okay? 428 00:25:29,633 --> 00:25:31,968 Fine. I guess. 429 00:25:35,013 --> 00:25:36,515 What's PoPi? 430 00:25:36,640 --> 00:25:37,848 Poppy. 431 00:25:39,518 --> 00:25:43,062 It's a bath products line I'd started with my friend, Polly. 432 00:25:43,188 --> 00:25:47,400 Polly and Piper. PoPi. We're gonna be in Barneys. 433 00:25:48,067 --> 00:25:49,068 Barneys? 434 00:25:49,944 --> 00:25:51,321 It's a nice store. 435 00:25:53,448 --> 00:25:57,035 It's a pretty big case. Criminal conspiracy. 436 00:25:57,160 --> 00:25:59,705 That's what they charged me with. 437 00:25:59,830 --> 00:26:02,332 I carried a suitcase of money. 438 00:26:02,415 --> 00:26:05,084 Drug money. Once. 439 00:26:06,127 --> 00:26:07,379 Ten years ago. 440 00:26:07,504 --> 00:26:09,130 What's the statute of limitations on that? 441 00:26:11,174 --> 00:26:12,384 Twelve years. 442 00:26:13,385 --> 00:26:14,720 That's tough. 443 00:26:14,845 --> 00:26:16,012 Well, 444 00:26:17,597 --> 00:26:23,478 I did it, that one time, 10 years ago. 445 00:26:23,812 --> 00:26:24,979 What did your lawyer say? 446 00:26:25,104 --> 00:26:27,524 He said with the mandatory minimums with drug crimes, 447 00:26:27,607 --> 00:26:30,360 he wouldn't recommend risking a trial. So, I pleaded out. 448 00:26:30,610 --> 00:26:31,737 And here you are. 449 00:26:32,487 --> 00:26:33,488 Here I am. 450 00:26:34,364 --> 00:26:38,243 Costing the tax payers money and sweating in my armchair. 451 00:26:38,744 --> 00:26:41,162 You know, I've been here for 22 years, 452 00:26:41,246 --> 00:26:44,583 and I still can't figure out how the system works. 453 00:26:45,250 --> 00:26:47,586 I got a crack dealer who is doing nine months, 454 00:26:47,711 --> 00:26:52,465 and then I have a lady who accidently backed into a mailman 455 00:26:52,591 --> 00:26:54,593 who is doing four years. 456 00:26:54,676 --> 00:26:56,927 I mean, the guy broke his collar bone, but come on. 457 00:26:57,011 --> 00:26:58,805 I just don't get it. 458 00:27:01,266 --> 00:27:03,309 Are you gonna barf? 459 00:27:03,435 --> 00:27:04,477 Tell me if you're gonna barf. 460 00:27:04,603 --> 00:27:05,936 Because there's a can behind you. 461 00:27:06,020 --> 00:27:07,689 I won't barf. 462 00:27:07,773 --> 00:27:10,776 I will be truly displeased if you barf anywhere but in that can. 463 00:27:11,651 --> 00:27:13,111 Not gonna barf. 464 00:27:15,280 --> 00:27:16,740 Miss Chapman, 465 00:27:18,241 --> 00:27:22,203 no one's gonna mess with you here unless you let them. 466 00:27:23,246 --> 00:27:24,997 This isn't Oz. 467 00:27:25,248 --> 00:27:27,500 Women fight with gossip and rumors. 468 00:27:28,126 --> 00:27:32,798 They might peg you for rich and try to hit you up for commissary. 469 00:27:34,340 --> 00:27:35,759 And there are lesbians. 470 00:27:37,302 --> 00:27:38,720 They're not gonna bother you. 471 00:27:38,804 --> 00:27:40,806 They'll try to be your friend, 472 00:27:40,889 --> 00:27:42,307 just stay away from them. 473 00:27:43,224 --> 00:27:49,773 I want you to understand, you do not have to have lesbian sex. 474 00:27:55,904 --> 00:27:57,572 I have a fiancé. 475 00:27:59,157 --> 00:28:00,325 His name is Larry. 476 00:28:00,408 --> 00:28:01,952 He's a writer. 477 00:28:03,787 --> 00:28:05,037 Can he come visit me? 478 00:28:05,163 --> 00:28:07,373 - Is he in here? - Yes. Everybody's in there. 479 00:28:07,499 --> 00:28:10,585 All the people in the PSI are cleared to visit. 480 00:28:10,669 --> 00:28:11,920 He can come this weekend. 481 00:28:12,838 --> 00:28:14,589 I'll make sure the list is in the visiting room. 482 00:28:14,673 --> 00:28:16,424 Thank you so much, Mr. Healy. 483 00:28:17,717 --> 00:28:21,471 You just keep to yourself. And you'll be fine. 484 00:28:21,554 --> 00:28:22,931 And don't make friends. 485 00:28:24,140 --> 00:28:29,521 And remember, nothing goes on here that I don't know about. 486 00:28:29,813 --> 00:28:33,023 You know everything about me! I tell you everything! 487 00:28:33,942 --> 00:28:36,528 The webcam horror, the penis shaving incident. 488 00:28:36,611 --> 00:28:37,946 How do I not know this? 489 00:28:38,070 --> 00:28:40,448 What was I supposed to say? It was... 490 00:28:41,240 --> 00:28:42,450 It was a phase. 491 00:28:42,534 --> 00:28:47,079 It was my lost-soul, post-college adventure phase. 492 00:28:48,832 --> 00:28:53,044 I was so embarrassed. I can't believe that she did this. 493 00:28:53,169 --> 00:28:54,880 I can't believe you did this. 494 00:28:55,672 --> 00:28:56,882 I mean, who are you? 495 00:28:57,007 --> 00:29:00,218 I feel like I'm in a Bourne movie. Have you killed? 496 00:29:00,927 --> 00:29:02,554 (SOBBING) 497 00:29:02,679 --> 00:29:05,724 Oh, Jesus. Oh, no. Baby. Stop. Stop, stop. 498 00:29:05,891 --> 00:29:07,183 Come on. Come on. 499 00:29:07,266 --> 00:29:08,852 (SHUSHING) 500 00:29:08,935 --> 00:29:10,020 Okay. 501 00:29:10,102 --> 00:29:11,771 You should break up with me. 502 00:29:11,897 --> 00:29:14,273 - What? - You didn't sign up for this. 503 00:29:14,399 --> 00:29:18,152 Okay, stop it. Stop it. Come on. Shh. It's okay. 504 00:29:18,528 --> 00:29:19,946 Okay? 505 00:29:20,112 --> 00:29:21,239 Okay? 506 00:29:24,367 --> 00:29:27,078 "Witness states, Piper Chapman carried drug money. 507 00:29:27,161 --> 00:29:29,247 "Piper Chapman was part of the ring." 508 00:29:29,372 --> 00:29:30,582 Were you? 509 00:29:31,917 --> 00:29:33,292 I was 22. 510 00:29:34,377 --> 00:29:36,588 I thought that I was in love. 511 00:29:37,296 --> 00:29:38,965 I was in love. 512 00:29:39,090 --> 00:29:41,259 And it was all crazy. 513 00:29:41,342 --> 00:29:45,638 And then it got scary, 514 00:29:45,764 --> 00:29:47,223 and I ran away, 515 00:29:47,306 --> 00:29:51,102 and I became the nice blonde lady that I was supposed to be. 516 00:29:51,269 --> 00:29:56,399 I knew that she wasn't a good person, but fuck her! 517 00:29:58,150 --> 00:30:01,821 Fuck her! This is not gonna be okay. 518 00:30:03,406 --> 00:30:04,657 - No. - No. 519 00:30:04,824 --> 00:30:06,117 - It's not. - Mmm-mmm. 520 00:30:11,748 --> 00:30:14,793 But we'll deal with it, okay? 521 00:30:17,462 --> 00:30:19,213 We'll figure it out. 522 00:30:20,090 --> 00:30:21,299 Have you called a lawyer? 523 00:30:22,383 --> 00:30:24,135 - No. - I'll call my dad. 524 00:30:24,218 --> 00:30:26,679 No! No. Please don't call your dad. He already hates me. 525 00:30:26,805 --> 00:30:30,016 Yeah, well, I love you. 526 00:30:30,141 --> 00:30:35,939 And, and he loves me, so, here we go. 527 00:30:36,606 --> 00:30:38,608 All right, we gotta hustle, 'cause the count's soon. 528 00:30:38,691 --> 00:30:41,111 Uh, rooms are there. Dorms are down there. 529 00:30:41,193 --> 00:30:43,154 Now, you are not allowed down there. 530 00:30:43,237 --> 00:30:45,323 It's out of bounds for you guys until you get assigned there. 531 00:30:45,448 --> 00:30:47,033 You understand? 532 00:30:47,158 --> 00:30:48,701 Namaste, Jones! 533 00:30:48,827 --> 00:30:49,828 Namaste! 534 00:30:49,911 --> 00:30:51,704 She teaches yoga if you ever want. 535 00:30:51,830 --> 00:30:53,915 And she's good. She's very spiritual. 536 00:30:53,999 --> 00:30:55,834 All right, we got some offices here. 537 00:30:55,917 --> 00:30:59,004 This is the dining hall, common room, counselor's office. 538 00:30:59,129 --> 00:31:00,630 Who you got for a counselor? 539 00:31:00,713 --> 00:31:02,048 Uh, Healy. 540 00:31:02,173 --> 00:31:03,341 Okay. Yeah. 541 00:31:03,466 --> 00:31:04,509 What? 542 00:31:04,592 --> 00:31:07,303 Nah, it's fine. It's fine. He does his paperwork. That's a good thing. 543 00:31:08,554 --> 00:31:10,473 When do we get outfits like everybody? 544 00:31:10,556 --> 00:31:13,018 I don't know. Maybe tomorrow after breakfast. 545 00:31:13,143 --> 00:31:15,353 You go down, you speak to the lady... 546 00:31:15,895 --> 00:31:16,896 (GASPS) 547 00:31:17,355 --> 00:31:18,481 What the fuck? 548 00:31:19,732 --> 00:31:20,775 Friend of yours? 549 00:31:21,776 --> 00:31:24,320 No. It's my mom. 550 00:31:25,321 --> 00:31:28,908 All right, Chapman, Diaz, this is you. 551 00:31:29,034 --> 00:31:31,243 DeMarco, this is Chapman. She's new. 552 00:31:31,369 --> 00:31:32,787 Self-surrender. You show her what's what? 553 00:31:32,871 --> 00:31:34,080 Sure. 554 00:31:34,205 --> 00:31:37,291 Okay, Mendoza, this is Diaz. Go, go. She'll help you. 555 00:31:37,375 --> 00:31:38,417 (SPEAKING IN SPANISH) 556 00:31:40,503 --> 00:31:41,963 Um, I don't speak Spanish. 557 00:31:42,964 --> 00:31:44,757 Great. Another fucking coconut. 558 00:31:44,883 --> 00:31:47,010 What's the matter with your mother, she don't teach you Spanish? 559 00:31:49,595 --> 00:31:53,892 Here. Here's some tissues. First night's always hard. 560 00:31:54,559 --> 00:31:58,229 And a toothbrush. They don't give you one. 561 00:31:59,271 --> 00:32:01,440 Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you for everything. 562 00:32:01,566 --> 00:32:04,235 Aw! No, no. It's no problem. We look out for our own. 563 00:32:05,695 --> 00:32:06,779 Our own? 564 00:32:06,905 --> 00:32:10,992 Oh, don't get all PC on me. It's tribal, not racist. I'll see you around. 565 00:32:17,874 --> 00:32:18,917 Tell me your name again? 566 00:32:19,000 --> 00:32:22,003 Piper. Chapman. 567 00:32:22,503 --> 00:32:23,629 That's Miss Rosa. 568 00:32:24,923 --> 00:32:28,300 And that's Nichols. Just got out of SHU a week ago. 569 00:32:28,426 --> 00:32:31,846 Told a CO to kiss her ass. Dumb. 570 00:32:31,930 --> 00:32:33,890 Why make trouble for yourself, you know? 571 00:32:33,973 --> 00:32:35,725 SHU. That's solitary? 572 00:32:35,808 --> 00:32:38,895 Yep. And you don't want it, honey. Trust me. 573 00:32:39,437 --> 00:32:41,814 Here's some toilet paper. You gotta take it with you. 574 00:32:42,774 --> 00:32:44,984 Thanks. What's that thing? 575 00:32:46,694 --> 00:32:50,281 Oh, that's my machine. I need it at night. 576 00:32:50,406 --> 00:32:52,324 When I first got here, I had a massive heart attack. 577 00:32:54,077 --> 00:32:55,120 Do you know about the count? 578 00:32:55,203 --> 00:32:56,871 Wait, can you go back to the heart attack? 579 00:32:56,955 --> 00:32:58,123 I don't like to dwell. 580 00:32:58,289 --> 00:33:00,291 How do I make a phone call? 581 00:33:00,416 --> 00:33:04,587 You need a PAC number. Fill out a form. Whole rigmarole. 582 00:33:04,670 --> 00:33:07,339 But maybe Caputo will let you make a call later. 583 00:33:07,465 --> 00:33:09,425 It helps if you cry. (CLICKS TONGUE) 584 00:33:13,054 --> 00:33:14,180 Don't make your bed! 585 00:33:14,305 --> 00:33:15,306 What? 586 00:33:15,389 --> 00:33:16,808 We'll make it for you. 587 00:33:16,933 --> 00:33:18,476 Oh, no, that's okay. You don't need to do that. 588 00:33:18,684 --> 00:33:19,685 Honey! 589 00:33:20,561 --> 00:33:23,982 (ENUNCIATING) We'll make the bed. 590 00:33:24,065 --> 00:33:25,066 We know how. 591 00:33:26,067 --> 00:33:27,193 I know how to make a bed. 592 00:33:27,318 --> 00:33:29,570 We know how to do it so we'll pass inspection. 593 00:33:29,654 --> 00:33:33,741 You can help clean. We clean everything with Maxi Pads. 594 00:33:34,325 --> 00:33:35,326 Seriously? 595 00:33:35,493 --> 00:33:37,954 Yep. It's a head-scratcher, but that's what we got. 596 00:33:38,663 --> 00:33:40,665 So, we make our beds in the morning before they... 597 00:33:40,790 --> 00:33:44,543 No. You sleep on top of the bed. With a blanket over you. 598 00:33:45,170 --> 00:33:46,671 What if I want to sleep in the bed? 599 00:33:46,796 --> 00:33:48,965 Look, you can do what you want, 600 00:33:49,048 --> 00:33:52,177 but you will be the only one in this entire prison that does. 601 00:33:52,302 --> 00:33:55,054 You want that? Be my guest. 602 00:33:55,180 --> 00:33:58,099 GUARD: Count time! Count time! Count time, ladies! 603 00:33:58,516 --> 00:34:01,352 That light comes on, you need to be where you're supposed to be, 604 00:34:01,477 --> 00:34:05,023 and you don't move until it goes off. Dinner's after. 605 00:34:06,107 --> 00:34:08,193 Hey, blanca. You speak Spanish? 606 00:34:09,027 --> 00:34:11,904 Un poco. Entiendo mas de lo que puedo hablar. 607 00:34:12,488 --> 00:34:15,867 You see, fucking white girl speaks Spanish. 608 00:34:20,788 --> 00:34:23,208 (CLICKING) 609 00:34:30,798 --> 00:34:31,841 So? 610 00:34:32,050 --> 00:34:33,301 (WHISPERS) Shh. Wait. 611 00:34:34,260 --> 00:34:35,803 (CLICKING) 612 00:34:44,896 --> 00:34:46,147 Dinner's at 4:30? 613 00:34:46,272 --> 00:34:48,107 O'NEILL: Recount, ladies! 614 00:34:49,025 --> 00:34:51,361 (FRUSTRATED GRUNT) They always screw it up. 615 00:34:51,443 --> 00:34:53,363 How hard is it to fucking count? 616 00:34:53,445 --> 00:34:55,365 Nicky, this is uh... 617 00:34:55,489 --> 00:34:56,908 Piper. Uh, Chapman. 618 00:34:58,034 --> 00:34:59,911 Look at you, blondie. What'd you do? 619 00:34:59,994 --> 00:35:02,663 Aren't you not supposed to ask that question? 620 00:35:02,747 --> 00:35:04,415 I read that you're not supposed to ask that. 621 00:35:05,250 --> 00:35:06,667 You read that? 622 00:35:07,459 --> 00:35:10,046 - What, you studied for prison? - (LAUGHS) 623 00:35:12,464 --> 00:35:13,674 (CLICKING) 624 00:35:19,097 --> 00:35:20,098 What did you do? 625 00:35:20,223 --> 00:35:21,807 MAN: I can't understand your French. 626 00:35:21,933 --> 00:35:24,769 Mon bag! Bag! 627 00:35:24,852 --> 00:35:26,271 My bag hasn't arrived. 628 00:35:26,437 --> 00:35:29,274 Oh! The bags do not make it onto the right flight sometime. 629 00:35:29,357 --> 00:35:31,317 Wait for the next shuttle from Paris. 630 00:35:31,442 --> 00:35:33,236 It's probably on that plane. 631 00:35:57,927 --> 00:35:59,304 (YELPS) 632 00:35:59,387 --> 00:36:01,139 Mon bag! 633 00:36:01,222 --> 00:36:02,307 My bag. 634 00:36:04,183 --> 00:36:06,311 (THANKING IN FRENCH) 635 00:36:06,560 --> 00:36:07,812 (SPEAKING IN SPANISH) 636 00:36:16,487 --> 00:36:17,989 - Bonjour. - Oh! Bonjour. 637 00:36:19,157 --> 00:36:21,993 Welcome to Belgium. All good? 638 00:36:23,619 --> 00:36:25,496 I was starting to worry. Where did you come from? 639 00:36:25,621 --> 00:36:26,622 Over there. 640 00:36:27,706 --> 00:36:28,916 You didn't go through customs? 641 00:36:29,083 --> 00:36:31,419 No, I just walked out of that door and it brought me right here. 642 00:36:31,502 --> 00:36:35,589 You skipped customs? Holy shit! It's genius. 643 00:36:35,714 --> 00:36:38,301 - Well, should I go back? - Fuck, no. We're going to the hotel. 644 00:36:38,384 --> 00:36:40,594 I'm gonna eat you for dinner. 645 00:36:41,720 --> 00:36:44,682 Alex, I was so freaked out when the bag didn't show up, I almost bailed. 646 00:36:44,849 --> 00:36:46,392 Well, it's good thing you didn't. 647 00:36:46,517 --> 00:36:47,810 There's over 50 grand in that bag. 648 00:36:47,893 --> 00:36:50,229 Kubra would have had you killed. Come on. 649 00:36:51,939 --> 00:36:53,858 Keep moving. You're blocking up the works. 650 00:37:02,700 --> 00:37:05,286 Okay, go sit there. She's a nice white lady. 651 00:37:07,079 --> 00:37:08,080 Thanks. 652 00:37:18,716 --> 00:37:19,884 Hi. 653 00:37:21,552 --> 00:37:22,720 It's okay if I sit here? 654 00:37:23,346 --> 00:37:24,555 Sure, newbie. 655 00:37:26,557 --> 00:37:27,641 I'm Jones. 656 00:37:28,309 --> 00:37:29,477 Chapman. 657 00:37:30,686 --> 00:37:32,146 You doing okay, Chapman? 658 00:37:32,897 --> 00:37:35,233 I don't really know how to answer that question. 659 00:37:36,650 --> 00:37:38,986 Everything's pretty surreal right now. 660 00:37:42,156 --> 00:37:44,116 Do you know what a mandala is? 661 00:37:44,616 --> 00:37:45,659 Um... 662 00:37:45,743 --> 00:37:48,079 Those are those round Buddhist art things. 663 00:37:48,287 --> 00:37:52,083 The Tibetan monks make them out of dyed sand 664 00:37:52,208 --> 00:37:55,711 laid out into big, beautiful designs. 665 00:37:56,087 --> 00:37:59,757 And when they're done, after days or weeks of work, 666 00:37:59,882 --> 00:38:01,926 they wipe it all away. 667 00:38:03,428 --> 00:38:06,431 Wow. That's a lot. 668 00:38:06,847 --> 00:38:10,851 Try to look at your experience here as a mandala, Chapman. 669 00:38:12,103 --> 00:38:17,108 Work hard to make something as meaningful and beautiful as you can. 670 00:38:17,191 --> 00:38:20,903 And when you're done, pack it in and know it was all temporary. 671 00:38:21,529 --> 00:38:25,866 You have to remember that. It's all temporary. 672 00:38:27,285 --> 00:38:29,078 It's all temporary. 673 00:38:30,288 --> 00:38:35,667 I'm telling you. Surviving here is all about perspective. 674 00:38:38,796 --> 00:38:39,964 Don't eat the pudding. 675 00:38:40,089 --> 00:38:42,091 What's the perspective on the pudding? 676 00:38:42,174 --> 00:38:44,343 It comes in big cans marked "Desert Storm." 677 00:38:45,261 --> 00:38:49,474 Sometimes the kitchen has to scrape the mold off the top before they serve it. 678 00:38:50,015 --> 00:38:51,267 Hi, there. 679 00:38:51,934 --> 00:38:54,728 Hi, Sister. This is Chapman. 680 00:38:55,354 --> 00:38:56,522 Sister? As in nun? 681 00:38:56,730 --> 00:38:59,108 - Mmm-hmm. - Yep. A killer nun. 682 00:38:59,900 --> 00:39:01,944 Now, stop it. She doesn't know you're joking. 683 00:39:02,027 --> 00:39:05,781 She chained herself to a flagpole at a nuclear test site. 684 00:39:10,119 --> 00:39:11,496 Amen. 685 00:39:11,579 --> 00:39:15,124 So. Now, Chapman, what's your story? 686 00:39:15,874 --> 00:39:17,960 I chained myself to a drug dealer. 687 00:39:20,045 --> 00:39:23,508 Piper, you can't be taking advice from a nun and a hippie. 688 00:39:23,715 --> 00:39:28,179 By all means, seek out the supreme wisdom of the junkie philosopher. 689 00:39:28,679 --> 00:39:29,847 I pray for you, Nicky. 690 00:39:30,097 --> 00:39:33,142 Aw. I pray for you, too, Sister. 691 00:39:33,225 --> 00:39:36,728 I lust after you, Yoga Jones, those sinewy arms. 692 00:39:36,979 --> 00:39:37,980 (LAUGHS) 693 00:39:38,063 --> 00:39:39,524 You gotta love a yoga body. 694 00:39:39,649 --> 00:39:42,193 You should come to class. Watch me chaturanga. 695 00:39:42,401 --> 00:39:44,403 That whole common room smells like farts. 696 00:39:44,529 --> 00:39:46,030 It kind of takes away the magic for me. 697 00:39:46,447 --> 00:39:47,615 You like pussy, Piper? 698 00:39:48,073 --> 00:39:50,368 Or you prefer pipe as your name suggests? 699 00:39:50,451 --> 00:39:52,703 I'm feeling some Sapphic vibes coming off you. 700 00:39:52,828 --> 00:39:54,246 Oh, leave her alone. 701 00:39:54,705 --> 00:39:55,706 (SNIFFS) 702 00:39:55,789 --> 00:39:56,874 Come on, Sister. 703 00:39:56,999 --> 00:39:59,043 You know you would've gone my way if you hadn't married Jesus. 704 00:40:06,425 --> 00:40:07,510 Thank you, Mommy. 705 00:40:09,887 --> 00:40:10,929 Thanks, Red. 706 00:40:14,141 --> 00:40:15,226 Thanks, Red. 707 00:40:18,646 --> 00:40:19,771 She's your mom? 708 00:40:19,938 --> 00:40:21,315 Ah. Maternal figurehead. 709 00:40:21,399 --> 00:40:24,151 My actual mother lives in Brazil with her boyfriend, Paolo, 710 00:40:24,235 --> 00:40:26,862 who destroys rainforests and collects photorealistic art. 711 00:40:26,945 --> 00:40:28,906 She is a cunt. I am an embarrassment. 712 00:40:28,989 --> 00:40:31,617 Hey, Red. You got one of those for me? 713 00:40:32,284 --> 00:40:34,078 You got what I asked you for? 714 00:40:34,495 --> 00:40:36,163 Uh, I'm working on it. 715 00:40:36,914 --> 00:40:41,252 So am I. Treats come when I sleep better. 716 00:40:46,716 --> 00:40:49,218 How hard is it to get me a board from the woodshop? 717 00:40:49,301 --> 00:40:50,844 Ugh. People. 718 00:40:53,097 --> 00:40:54,223 Who's this? 719 00:40:54,599 --> 00:40:58,728 This is Chapman. She's new. Self-surrender. Thinks she's fancy. 720 00:41:00,354 --> 00:41:04,108 Here, fancy. Have a yogurt. 721 00:41:07,861 --> 00:41:09,447 What do I have to do for it? 722 00:41:10,448 --> 00:41:14,285 You're new. You're one of us. Consider it a gift. 723 00:41:15,077 --> 00:41:19,248 Thank you. Thank you so much. 724 00:41:22,960 --> 00:41:25,129 (WHISPERS) The food here is disgusting. 725 00:41:34,930 --> 00:41:36,014 What? 726 00:41:36,223 --> 00:41:38,225 Did I mention that Red runs the kitchen? 727 00:41:40,936 --> 00:41:44,398 Shit. I'm sorry. 728 00:41:49,445 --> 00:41:50,780 Honey. 729 00:41:51,781 --> 00:41:54,158 I know you just got here, so you don't know what's what. 730 00:41:54,450 --> 00:41:56,034 Well, I'm gonna tell you. 731 00:41:56,160 --> 00:42:00,956 You don't like the food? It's no problem. 732 00:42:08,422 --> 00:42:12,468 Holy shit. That was an epic fuck-up. 733 00:42:15,262 --> 00:42:16,263 CAPUTO: Can I help you? 734 00:42:16,430 --> 00:42:20,351 Um, I'm Chapman. I'm new today. 735 00:42:20,559 --> 00:42:23,979 They told me I should talk to you. I don't have a PAC number. 736 00:42:24,146 --> 00:42:25,314 Who's they? 737 00:42:28,025 --> 00:42:32,404 (SOBS) Mr. Caputo, please let me call my fiancé. 738 00:42:32,530 --> 00:42:34,281 I have to let him know I'm okay. 739 00:42:35,825 --> 00:42:38,828 Two minutes. You got two minutes, that's it. 740 00:42:38,910 --> 00:42:40,996 Close the door, I don't want a run on my office. 741 00:42:41,121 --> 00:42:43,541 MAN OVER PA: Inmate Gonzalez report to the supply room. 742 00:42:49,547 --> 00:42:51,256 Dial nine to get out. 743 00:42:58,263 --> 00:42:59,724 (CELL PHONE RINGING) 744 00:43:01,433 --> 00:43:03,394 - Hello, Larry's phone. -Amy? 745 00:43:03,519 --> 00:43:05,145 - Piper? - Give me the phone. 746 00:43:05,229 --> 00:43:07,022 One second. Can I say hello? 747 00:43:07,147 --> 00:43:09,400 Amy, I only have two minutes to talk. 748 00:43:09,525 --> 00:43:12,236 Are you okay? What's it like in there? 749 00:43:12,319 --> 00:43:15,614 Howard and I brought Chinese. Larry is so upset. 750 00:43:15,740 --> 00:43:16,741 - Mom. - Let him talk, Amy. 751 00:43:16,866 --> 00:43:17,867 Ma, give me the phone. 752 00:43:17,949 --> 00:43:19,493 Amy, please let me talk to Larry. 753 00:43:19,577 --> 00:43:22,538 You know, I read that when Martha Stewart was in prison, 754 00:43:22,621 --> 00:43:24,039 she foraged for dandelions. 755 00:43:24,206 --> 00:43:25,624 Okay, Mom, please. 756 00:43:25,750 --> 00:43:28,502 - I was talking! - Amy, it's not always about you, dear. 757 00:43:28,627 --> 00:43:30,421 - What is that supposed to mean? - Piper? 758 00:43:30,504 --> 00:43:32,548 I only have a minute now. I'm calling from the guard's office. 759 00:43:32,631 --> 00:43:34,383 Hey, are you okay? What's going on? 760 00:43:34,466 --> 00:43:35,760 I love you so much. 761 00:43:35,843 --> 00:43:37,720 I love you, too. Are you okay? 762 00:43:37,803 --> 00:43:40,431 I'm wearing granny panties and I've only spoken to white people. 763 00:43:40,556 --> 00:43:42,808 (CHUCKLES) You joining the Aryan Nation? 764 00:43:42,933 --> 00:43:44,769 I don't know. But there's a nun here. 765 00:43:44,935 --> 00:43:47,104 And you're not allowed to sleep in your bed. Only on top of it. 766 00:43:47,187 --> 00:43:48,230 That's weird. 767 00:43:48,355 --> 00:43:49,398 I know, right? 768 00:43:49,481 --> 00:43:50,524 And when I got here, they gave me these 769 00:43:50,608 --> 00:43:52,902 little bars of hotel soap, but no shampoo. 770 00:43:53,277 --> 00:43:56,988 But I think that I can borrow some from other white people. 771 00:43:58,115 --> 00:43:59,658 I love you so much. 772 00:44:01,243 --> 00:44:03,746 One of my roommates had a massive heart attack when she got here. 773 00:44:03,871 --> 00:44:06,123 Okay, you are not allowed to have a heart attack. 774 00:44:07,332 --> 00:44:08,500 What did you have for dinner? 775 00:44:09,376 --> 00:44:11,420 My folks brought from The Palace. 776 00:44:11,545 --> 00:44:13,839 Oh. The Palace. 777 00:44:14,840 --> 00:44:16,467 Dinner here was scary liver. 778 00:44:17,342 --> 00:44:19,511 And I insulted the chef, 779 00:44:19,637 --> 00:44:22,013 and you're not supposed to eat the pudding 780 00:44:22,139 --> 00:44:23,515 because it's been to Desert Storm. 781 00:44:23,641 --> 00:44:26,477 Piper, listen to me. You cannot lose your shit, okay? 782 00:44:26,560 --> 00:44:28,938 I mean it. Please, please tell me you're keeping it together. 783 00:44:29,020 --> 00:44:31,899 Please, please tell me you're okay. 784 00:44:32,065 --> 00:44:34,944 - Wrap it up, Chapman. - I'm Chapman here. 785 00:44:35,152 --> 00:44:40,991 You're my Pipes, okay? And, uh, I love you, and this is only temporary. 786 00:44:41,992 --> 00:44:44,995 That's what Yoga Jones said. But it's just been one day. 787 00:44:45,078 --> 00:44:46,538 And I can't, I can't! 788 00:44:46,664 --> 00:44:48,833 Piper, you can. You so can, okay? 789 00:44:48,958 --> 00:44:51,836 You are so strong, babe. You... 790 00:44:51,919 --> 00:44:53,253 And you love adventure, right? 791 00:44:53,337 --> 00:44:55,631 That's what got you in there, and that's what's gonna get you through. 792 00:44:55,714 --> 00:44:59,635 This is all just a big adventure with liver and Yoga Jones, 793 00:44:59,718 --> 00:45:01,512 and racism. 794 00:45:01,679 --> 00:45:03,931 You can come on Friday. Please come on Friday. 795 00:45:04,013 --> 00:45:05,265 Tell my mother to come on Saturday, 796 00:45:05,349 --> 00:45:07,142 and don't tell her that you're coming on Friday, okay? 797 00:45:07,225 --> 00:45:09,018 Of course. Okay? 798 00:45:09,102 --> 00:45:11,062 Two sleeps. That's it. 799 00:45:11,188 --> 00:45:13,440 Two sleeps on top of your bed. 800 00:45:13,524 --> 00:45:14,859 And then, I will be there. 801 00:45:15,567 --> 00:45:18,195 Coming up on lights out. Say goodbye. 802 00:45:19,028 --> 00:45:20,029 I have to go. 803 00:45:20,155 --> 00:45:21,281 Hey, no crying. 804 00:45:21,365 --> 00:45:22,574 I'm not crying. 805 00:45:22,700 --> 00:45:24,910 Piper, I love you. I will see you on Friday. 806 00:45:25,034 --> 00:45:28,037 Please, be brave. Don't let anyone into your granny panties. 807 00:45:28,163 --> 00:45:29,247 I love you. 808 00:45:29,373 --> 00:45:30,666 I love you. 809 00:45:35,462 --> 00:45:38,465 Your head's not here yet. Don't worry, it'll catch up. 810 00:45:39,675 --> 00:45:42,469 In the meantime, try to get some sleep. 811 00:45:42,553 --> 00:45:45,639 Orientation is tomorrow at 9:00. 812 00:45:45,723 --> 00:45:47,474 Shampoo for you. 813 00:45:49,852 --> 00:45:52,061 I think the words you're looking for are, "Thank you." 814 00:45:52,730 --> 00:45:54,063 Thank you. 815 00:45:54,899 --> 00:45:56,107 Good night, Chapman. 816 00:46:00,362 --> 00:46:02,071 Close the door behind you. 817 00:46:10,748 --> 00:46:12,041 (UNZIPS) 818 00:46:13,042 --> 00:46:14,459 (LOTION SQUISHING) 819 00:46:20,758 --> 00:46:23,343 Chapman. Hey, Chapman. 820 00:46:23,427 --> 00:46:24,428 - What? - Rise and shine. 821 00:46:24,553 --> 00:46:25,679 What? What? 822 00:46:25,763 --> 00:46:28,515 You want time to shower and eat, you gotta get up. 823 00:46:28,640 --> 00:46:30,642 Aw, look at your eyes. 824 00:46:30,768 --> 00:46:32,143 You should put some cold water on them. 825 00:46:32,269 --> 00:46:33,562 Okay. Thanks. 826 00:46:33,645 --> 00:46:35,272 Take a nice shower, get dressed, 827 00:46:35,397 --> 00:46:37,608 you'll start to feel normal soon enough. 828 00:46:38,191 --> 00:46:39,902 - You got flip-flops? - No. 829 00:46:40,444 --> 00:46:43,864 Oh, honey. There's wicked fungus in the showers. 830 00:46:54,165 --> 00:46:56,293 (TAYSTEE SINGING) 831 00:46:56,543 --> 00:46:58,003 (INDISTINCT TALKING) 832 00:47:00,171 --> 00:47:01,381 (WOMAN SPEAKS SPANISH) 833 00:47:01,799 --> 00:47:03,801 WOMAN: You're driving me crazy! 834 00:47:12,768 --> 00:47:13,852 - Boo! - (STARTLED GASP) 835 00:47:35,749 --> 00:47:37,960 Everyone gets a piece of fruit at breakfast. 836 00:47:38,043 --> 00:47:41,254 I'm telling you, it'll all start to feel normal, soon. Really. 837 00:47:41,839 --> 00:47:44,466 - You hungry? - I'm starving. Excuse me. 838 00:47:44,633 --> 00:47:46,175 - Such pretty hair. - Thank you. 839 00:47:46,384 --> 00:47:47,427 When those roots start to show, 840 00:47:47,511 --> 00:47:48,846 be sure to come and see me, okay? 841 00:47:48,929 --> 00:47:50,681 I'll take good care of you. 842 00:47:50,806 --> 00:47:53,642 But even if you don't come to me, don't go to Danita. 843 00:47:53,725 --> 00:47:57,228 She'll burn the shit out of your scalp. Go. Line's moving. 844 00:47:58,355 --> 00:47:59,648 Wait, Chapman? Are you Chapman? 845 00:47:59,773 --> 00:48:00,858 Yes. 846 00:48:04,778 --> 00:48:06,738 Red says she made that special for you. 847 00:48:06,864 --> 00:48:09,867 Wow. Thanks. Tell her I said thanks. 848 00:48:10,034 --> 00:48:11,952 I don't say nothing. I'm just working. Next. 849 00:48:13,829 --> 00:48:14,872 NICKY: Man, I'm telling you, 850 00:48:14,997 --> 00:48:17,875 before my teeth got knocked out, I had this awesome gap. 851 00:48:17,958 --> 00:48:19,793 Now they look like Chiclets, look. 852 00:48:19,918 --> 00:48:21,837 You're crazy. Your fake teeth are beautiful. 853 00:48:21,920 --> 00:48:23,630 Bet you never get the food stuck in them. 854 00:48:23,714 --> 00:48:25,423 So, you got the nice fresh breath all the time. 855 00:48:25,549 --> 00:48:26,508 It's minty. It's beautiful. 856 00:48:26,591 --> 00:48:28,552 It's like God put them in you every day. 857 00:48:28,635 --> 00:48:30,054 A summer breeze coming over here. 858 00:48:30,219 --> 00:48:32,723 - Yeah? You like that? - LORNA: Always smell... Yeah. Yeah. 859 00:48:34,016 --> 00:48:35,475 Oh. Oh! 860 00:48:35,600 --> 00:48:36,852 What did you do? 861 00:48:36,935 --> 00:48:38,436 She insulted the food in front of Red. 862 00:48:38,603 --> 00:48:40,898 Oh, jeez. I don't think you're gonna be eating for a while. 863 00:48:41,023 --> 00:48:41,982 (LAUGHS) 864 00:48:42,066 --> 00:48:45,986 Oh! Put it away. I'm enjoying menopause very much, thank you. 865 00:48:47,071 --> 00:48:49,573 You gotta figure out how to make things right with Red. 866 00:48:49,740 --> 00:48:51,616 And yeah, yeah. You gotta go down to laundry. 867 00:48:51,742 --> 00:48:54,243 Don't forget that. And check the elastic on all the pants. 868 00:48:54,369 --> 00:48:56,121 Don't let them get you stretched-out garbage. 869 00:48:56,245 --> 00:48:58,373 Orientation starts in 10 minutes. 870 00:48:58,456 --> 00:49:00,751 At least you had a nice shower this morning, right? 871 00:49:00,834 --> 00:49:02,086 I think I saw you in there? 872 00:49:04,171 --> 00:49:05,214 (LAUGHS) 873 00:49:06,255 --> 00:49:09,927 I don't... I don't know. Excuse me. 874 00:49:10,010 --> 00:49:12,261 Hey! Hey, hey, don't forget, you gotta bus your tray. 875 00:49:15,057 --> 00:49:16,391 (ALL LAUGHING) 876 00:49:18,936 --> 00:49:20,812 Where's she going with that tray? 877 00:49:20,938 --> 00:49:21,980 Can't take them out of here. 878 00:49:22,147 --> 00:49:23,272 Yeah, she'll figure it out. 879 00:49:23,481 --> 00:49:25,109 Was she really in the shower this morning? 880 00:49:27,819 --> 00:49:29,278 (PANTING) 881 00:49:35,493 --> 00:49:36,787 (BREATHING HEAVILY) 882 00:49:46,630 --> 00:49:48,632 Maybe this is a bad time to say hi, huh? 883 00:49:48,757 --> 00:49:50,299 (SCREAMS) 884 00:49:53,637 --> 00:49:54,972 (SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)