1 00:00:09,240 --> 00:00:11,607 I've always loved getting clean. 2 00:00:12,880 --> 00:00:14,484 I love baths. 3 00:00:15,720 --> 00:00:17,722 I love showers. 4 00:00:24,400 --> 00:00:26,209 It's my happy place. 5 00:00:32,720 --> 00:00:34,449 Was my happy place. 6 00:00:42,640 --> 00:00:45,723 All inmates in D dorm must be checked for lice. 7 00:00:46,000 --> 00:00:49,527 Repeat, all inmates in D dorm must be checked for lice. 8 00:00:52,960 --> 00:00:55,008 I'll be out in a sec. I swear. 9 00:00:56,160 --> 00:00:59,209 I'll wait. There best be some hot water left. 10 00:00:59,400 --> 00:01:01,607 There wasn't very much when I started. 11 00:01:03,360 --> 00:01:05,328 Man, hurry! 12 00:01:05,400 --> 00:01:08,324 All right, okay, okay. 13 00:01:08,400 --> 00:01:10,482 I'm done. I'm out. I'm totally out. 14 00:01:10,560 --> 00:01:12,449 Damn, you got some nice titties. 15 00:01:13,560 --> 00:01:16,040 - Thank you. - You got them TV titties. 16 00:01:16,120 --> 00:01:19,363 They stand up on they own all perky and everything. 17 00:01:19,440 --> 00:01:21,010 Okay. 18 00:01:22,640 --> 00:01:26,167 You know they sell flip-flops at the commissary. 19 00:01:26,720 --> 00:01:28,529 My money's not in yet, so. 20 00:01:28,600 --> 00:01:32,207 You creative. I give you that, high-tits. 21 00:01:33,480 --> 00:01:35,642 Now get the fuck out the way. 22 00:01:35,960 --> 00:01:37,007 Okay. 23 00:03:09,480 --> 00:03:11,562 So, there's an entire pig in there? 24 00:03:11,800 --> 00:03:12,801 Yes. 25 00:03:12,920 --> 00:03:14,365 For four of us? 26 00:03:14,720 --> 00:03:18,008 It's a small pig. I really wanted to use the box. 27 00:03:18,080 --> 00:03:19,525 It was my birthday present. 28 00:03:19,880 --> 00:03:23,282 She's guilty she's leaving. It's a guilt pig-roasting box. 29 00:03:23,400 --> 00:03:25,164 At least you get something. 30 00:03:25,240 --> 00:03:28,005 I'm not getting laid for a year, too, but what do I get? 31 00:03:28,600 --> 00:03:29,647 A baby? 32 00:03:29,760 --> 00:03:31,091 But you can't eat it. 33 00:03:32,760 --> 00:03:35,809 - Are we really gonna eat that? -It's thematic. 34 00:03:35,880 --> 00:03:37,564 You're not serving time in Cuba. 35 00:03:37,880 --> 00:03:39,291 Pigs. Cops. 36 00:03:43,560 --> 00:03:45,767 How the fuck are you going to jail tomorrow? 37 00:03:46,440 --> 00:03:48,283 Prison, not jail. 38 00:03:49,520 --> 00:03:51,010 You're missing my shower. 39 00:03:51,720 --> 00:03:53,370 Polly, I'm really sorry. 40 00:03:54,720 --> 00:03:56,051 I know. 41 00:03:58,960 --> 00:04:02,169 You focus on how you're gonna maintain your eyebrows behind bars. 42 00:04:02,760 --> 00:04:05,491 You may not come back with a unibrow. 43 00:04:07,800 --> 00:04:08,847 Am I allowed to cry? 44 00:04:08,920 --> 00:04:11,526 No. Seriously, no. 45 00:04:12,240 --> 00:04:16,802 Okay, we are ready. Everybody inside. 46 00:04:17,240 --> 00:04:18,446 - Need a hoist? - Yeah. 47 00:04:18,520 --> 00:04:19,601 Big girl. 48 00:04:20,440 --> 00:04:22,249 On to the last supper. 49 00:04:25,360 --> 00:04:27,328 - We got to do it. - I know. 50 00:04:28,800 --> 00:04:30,643 God, we really should not have eaten so much. 51 00:04:30,720 --> 00:04:33,246 I know. Come on, we gotta rally. 52 00:04:33,320 --> 00:04:34,401 Okay. 53 00:04:34,480 --> 00:04:37,689 - Make some memories, you know? - Yeah. 54 00:04:37,800 --> 00:04:40,485 You need some spank-bank material. 55 00:04:40,840 --> 00:04:43,605 Oh, well, I mean, when you say it like that. 56 00:04:55,320 --> 00:04:57,527 - Wait, I got... - What? 57 00:04:57,600 --> 00:04:59,728 - I gotta pee. - What? No. 58 00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:00,847 - Yeah. - Really? 59 00:05:00,920 --> 00:05:03,002 I just... 60 00:05:03,920 --> 00:05:06,491 I'll be... I'll be right back. 61 00:05:10,520 --> 00:05:11,681 Hey- 62 00:05:12,480 --> 00:05:13,527 Yeah? 63 00:05:14,760 --> 00:05:16,046 You look beautiful. 64 00:05:18,440 --> 00:05:19,646 Thanks. 65 00:05:32,720 --> 00:05:34,051 Oh, shit. 66 00:06:34,200 --> 00:06:35,326 What? 67 00:06:39,160 --> 00:06:41,128 You look beautiful, too. 68 00:06:46,520 --> 00:06:48,887 Come on. Get in. 69 00:07:10,440 --> 00:07:11,805 Hey. You're crying. 70 00:07:14,320 --> 00:07:15,481 Just fuck me. 71 00:07:15,600 --> 00:07:16,806 Piper. 72 00:07:16,920 --> 00:07:18,604 Shut up. 73 00:07:18,680 --> 00:07:21,923 Please. Please. 74 00:07:24,960 --> 00:07:26,200 Okay. 75 00:08:06,240 --> 00:08:07,480 No visiting today. 76 00:08:07,560 --> 00:08:10,962 Hi, I'm here to surrender. 77 00:08:11,040 --> 00:08:12,530 Oh, okay, then. 78 00:08:16,960 --> 00:08:18,610 Did he look surprised to you? 79 00:08:18,680 --> 00:08:21,286 When I said that I was here to surrender? Didn't he look surprised? 80 00:08:21,360 --> 00:08:23,169 Like, "What the hell is she doing here?" 81 00:08:23,880 --> 00:08:26,884 - I didn't notice. - Well, he looked surprised to me. 82 00:08:29,600 --> 00:08:33,730 I look like shit. My eyes are all puffy. 83 00:08:33,800 --> 00:08:34,881 You're worried about how you look? 84 00:08:34,960 --> 00:08:36,086 Well, they're gonna know that I was crying. 85 00:08:36,200 --> 00:08:37,850 It's a sign of weakness. You can't show any weakness. 86 00:08:37,920 --> 00:08:39,331 That's what all of the books said. 87 00:08:39,400 --> 00:08:40,526 Oh, sweetie... 88 00:08:40,600 --> 00:08:42,443 Don't call me sweetie. 89 00:08:42,520 --> 00:08:43,885 Oh, Leonard. 90 00:08:44,920 --> 00:08:46,570 That's better. 91 00:08:52,760 --> 00:08:54,762 I can't take it with me. 92 00:08:58,080 --> 00:09:00,082 Okay. Right. 93 00:09:03,080 --> 00:09:04,411 What are you doing? 94 00:09:04,520 --> 00:09:05,567 What? 95 00:09:05,640 --> 00:09:07,005 You can't put that in your pocket. 96 00:09:07,080 --> 00:09:09,048 It's gonna end up at the bottom of the washing machine. 97 00:09:09,120 --> 00:09:10,849 Okay. 98 00:09:10,920 --> 00:09:12,285 Where would you like me to put it then, Piper? 99 00:09:12,360 --> 00:09:13,771 Up your ass. 100 00:09:14,400 --> 00:09:17,165 There's no room. Apparently, my head's already up there. 101 00:09:18,040 --> 00:09:19,405 I'm sorry. 102 00:09:22,440 --> 00:09:23,566 It's okay. 103 00:09:26,760 --> 00:09:28,091 You know what? 104 00:09:29,280 --> 00:09:32,204 I'm gonna put it in my wallet. Okay? 105 00:09:32,640 --> 00:09:36,964 And when I get home, I will put it in your jewelry box. 106 00:09:37,800 --> 00:09:43,284 Until I'm short on rent, then I may hock it. But I'll try to get it back before you're out. 107 00:09:49,640 --> 00:09:50,801 We should go. 108 00:09:51,440 --> 00:09:52,566 Okay. 109 00:09:56,160 --> 00:09:57,400 Okay. 110 00:09:58,640 --> 00:09:59,846 Self-surrender. 111 00:09:59,960 --> 00:10:01,769 Yeah, well, no one told me either. 112 00:10:01,840 --> 00:10:03,205 Available guards... 113 00:10:03,280 --> 00:10:05,169 Got the paperwork right here. 114 00:10:05,240 --> 00:10:07,208 Name is Chapman. 115 00:10:08,000 --> 00:10:13,370 Yeah. Chap, like when your lips get all dry they're chapped. 116 00:10:13,640 --> 00:10:14,641 Have a seat. 117 00:10:18,160 --> 00:10:20,162 Piper. Rhymes with sniper. 118 00:10:20,240 --> 00:10:22,971 Inmate Robinson to the visitor area. 119 00:10:26,760 --> 00:10:28,046 You hungry? 120 00:10:28,120 --> 00:10:29,281 Not really. 121 00:10:29,360 --> 00:10:31,089 Guard Thomson to the tower. 122 00:10:31,160 --> 00:10:32,366 Eat anyway. 123 00:10:32,840 --> 00:10:34,365 It's burrata. 124 00:10:35,760 --> 00:10:37,091 Thank you. 125 00:10:41,640 --> 00:10:45,565 My mother told her friends I'm doing volunteer work in Africa. 126 00:10:47,520 --> 00:10:50,967 I bet they're all appalled that you've gone somewhere so filthy and dangerous. 127 00:10:54,040 --> 00:10:58,523 So I never carried drugs. Just money. 128 00:10:59,360 --> 00:11:00,771 You were a lesbian? 129 00:11:01,440 --> 00:11:02,885 At the time. 130 00:11:03,880 --> 00:11:04,961 You still a lesbian? 131 00:11:05,560 --> 00:11:07,005 No, I'm not still a lesbian. 132 00:11:07,320 --> 00:11:08,401 You sure? 133 00:11:09,880 --> 00:11:14,090 I once kissed Mary Straley when I was at Miss Porter's school. 134 00:11:14,160 --> 00:11:15,446 But it wasn't for me. 135 00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:16,847 Wow. 136 00:11:17,720 --> 00:11:18,801 Did you know about all this? 137 00:11:18,960 --> 00:11:22,362 No. No, no, I didn't. 138 00:11:24,000 --> 00:11:26,890 I mean, she told me how she traveled after college, 139 00:11:26,960 --> 00:11:29,167 but she failed to mention the lesbian lover 140 00:11:29,240 --> 00:11:31,129 who ran an international drug smuggling ring. 141 00:11:31,200 --> 00:11:32,850 Imagine my surprise. 142 00:11:33,880 --> 00:11:35,962 What on earth did you do with the money? 143 00:11:36,120 --> 00:11:38,964 Well, Grandmother, I wasn't really in it for the money. 144 00:11:39,760 --> 00:11:42,240 Oh, Piper, for heaven's sake! 145 00:11:47,080 --> 00:11:49,526 So this is my last post as a free woman. 146 00:11:49,600 --> 00:11:51,762 - What are you gonna write? - Hey! 147 00:11:52,040 --> 00:11:54,247 Oh, no. You cannot have a phone in here. 148 00:11:54,400 --> 00:11:56,368 This is a federal facility. You have to take that out. 149 00:11:56,440 --> 00:11:58,761 Can I? Am I allowed to go out? 150 00:11:58,840 --> 00:11:59,887 He can take it out. 151 00:12:00,000 --> 00:12:02,401 So no phone? 152 00:12:02,480 --> 00:12:04,050 - You knew that. - Now. 153 00:12:04,200 --> 00:12:06,009 Oh, my God, Larry, by the time I get out 154 00:12:06,120 --> 00:12:08,487 there'll have been, like, three new generations of iPhones. 155 00:12:08,560 --> 00:12:11,370 Sir, I can get an officer to escort you out. 156 00:12:11,440 --> 00:12:15,126 No, I'm going. It's okay, I'm going, okay? I'll be right back, okay? 157 00:12:15,200 --> 00:12:18,249 I'll take the phone to the car, I'll be right back. 158 00:12:18,320 --> 00:12:19,560 Okay? Two seconds. 159 00:12:19,640 --> 00:12:21,130 - Yeah? - Okay. 160 00:12:22,640 --> 00:12:24,085 Two seconds. 161 00:12:27,320 --> 00:12:28,560 - Chapman! - Yes. 162 00:12:29,840 --> 00:12:32,889 Yes, that's me. But you have to wait. 163 00:12:32,960 --> 00:12:34,200 You're telling me what I have to do? 164 00:12:35,280 --> 00:12:37,169 Get your ass over here, Chapman, now. Move it. 165 00:12:37,280 --> 00:12:39,726 He's, he's gonna be right back. We've been waiting here for two hours. 166 00:12:39,800 --> 00:12:41,165 And the wait is over. 167 00:12:41,280 --> 00:12:42,725 Here's your temporary ID, 168 00:12:42,800 --> 00:12:45,326 you'll stick this on your uniform when we get to that. Now... 169 00:12:45,440 --> 00:12:47,408 - Here. I'm here. Here I am. - Here he is. 170 00:12:47,480 --> 00:12:49,687 - Who's this? - My fiancé. 171 00:12:49,760 --> 00:12:50,966 Yeah? Good luck with that. 172 00:12:51,120 --> 00:12:52,246 Excuse me? 173 00:12:52,320 --> 00:12:54,049 - Any personal items? - Here. 174 00:12:57,800 --> 00:12:59,040 You can't take this check. 175 00:12:59,120 --> 00:13:01,282 But we called last week. And they told me to bring it. 176 00:13:01,360 --> 00:13:04,091 He has to send it to Iowa. It takes a few weeks to process. 177 00:13:04,160 --> 00:13:06,686 A few weeks? Doesn't she need to buy things? 178 00:13:06,800 --> 00:13:07,847 How it is. 179 00:13:09,160 --> 00:13:10,321 Where do we send it? 180 00:13:10,640 --> 00:13:13,246 Hey, you got that Iowa address? 181 00:13:14,160 --> 00:13:17,243 Any Nudie Judies in here? Skin pics? Naughty stuff? 182 00:13:17,320 --> 00:13:19,641 No. No Nudie Judies. 183 00:13:20,160 --> 00:13:22,845 Time to say goodbye. It might be a while till you can visit, fiancé. 184 00:13:25,680 --> 00:13:27,842 - I love you so much. - I love you, too! 185 00:13:28,480 --> 00:13:30,050 - I'll call you as soon as I can. - Okay. 186 00:13:30,160 --> 00:13:32,322 Okay? Please send that check immediately. 187 00:13:32,480 --> 00:13:33,720 Okay. I will. 188 00:13:33,840 --> 00:13:36,127 I love you. Please keep my website updated. 189 00:13:36,200 --> 00:13:37,281 I love you so much. 190 00:13:39,720 --> 00:13:40,767 It's okay. 191 00:13:50,400 --> 00:13:51,765 It's okay. 192 00:14:03,640 --> 00:14:05,961 - What size shoe are you? - Nine and a half, ten. 193 00:14:11,880 --> 00:14:13,325 These are kinda like Toms. 194 00:14:13,400 --> 00:14:16,165 - Who's Tom? - Toms are shoes. 195 00:14:16,240 --> 00:14:19,403 When you buy a pair, the company gives another to a child in need. 196 00:14:19,480 --> 00:14:21,960 They're great. And they come in lots of different colors and... 197 00:14:22,040 --> 00:14:23,280 How nice. 198 00:14:25,280 --> 00:14:26,327 Strip. 199 00:14:48,920 --> 00:14:49,967 Get over here. 200 00:15:02,960 --> 00:15:04,291 Come here. 201 00:15:17,240 --> 00:15:19,129 Are you gonna miss me? 202 00:15:20,000 --> 00:15:21,331 Yes. 203 00:15:24,480 --> 00:15:25,481 Too much. 204 00:15:28,960 --> 00:15:30,086 Come with me. 205 00:15:30,800 --> 00:15:32,086 What? 206 00:15:33,000 --> 00:15:34,490 Come to Bali. 207 00:15:36,120 --> 00:15:38,122 Come with me. I mean it. I'll buy you a plane ticket. 208 00:15:42,000 --> 00:15:43,206 Are you serious? 209 00:15:45,760 --> 00:15:47,000 Yes. 210 00:15:50,120 --> 00:15:54,808 Come with me. Quit your job. Come with me. 211 00:15:55,720 --> 00:16:00,044 Well, I'd have to give notice. 212 00:16:00,120 --> 00:16:02,566 You're a fucking waitress. You don't need to give a notice. 213 00:16:03,680 --> 00:16:05,364 Will I get in trouble? 214 00:16:05,440 --> 00:16:06,521 God, I hope so. 215 00:16:11,160 --> 00:16:13,288 You know what I mean. 216 00:16:13,360 --> 00:16:15,203 You don't have to do anything. 217 00:16:16,040 --> 00:16:19,522 You're just there to keep me company, all right? 218 00:16:23,200 --> 00:16:24,690 Come on, babe. I want you to come. 219 00:16:25,440 --> 00:16:26,646 And I want you to come. 220 00:16:30,560 --> 00:16:32,403 Yes? Is that a yes? 221 00:16:32,520 --> 00:16:33,806 Yes. 222 00:16:35,480 --> 00:16:36,720 Yes. 223 00:16:37,160 --> 00:16:38,685 Open your mouth, stick out your tongue. 224 00:16:39,040 --> 00:16:41,042 Inmates, an updated facility rules with 225 00:16:41,120 --> 00:16:42,929 inmate discipline list is posted in the day room. 226 00:16:45,080 --> 00:16:46,206 Lift up your arms. 227 00:16:49,160 --> 00:16:50,446 Turn around. 228 00:16:54,120 --> 00:16:55,246 Squat 229 00:16:58,560 --> 00:17:00,244 Spread your cheeks and cough. 230 00:17:02,560 --> 00:17:03,766 Seriously? 231 00:17:16,760 --> 00:17:17,966 That it? 232 00:17:18,040 --> 00:17:19,724 One more coming, hold on. 233 00:17:25,120 --> 00:17:26,360 My zipper's broken. 234 00:17:29,200 --> 00:17:30,361 First time down? 235 00:17:30,440 --> 00:17:31,646 My first time here? 236 00:17:32,200 --> 00:17:34,407 Oh, no, your first time in prison? 237 00:17:34,480 --> 00:17:36,801 Oh, yeah. 238 00:17:36,880 --> 00:17:39,804 It's not so bad. Everyone's okay. 239 00:17:39,880 --> 00:17:41,928 You've gotta watch out for the stealing. 240 00:17:44,200 --> 00:17:48,205 So, what's your name? Your last name. Everyone uses last names here. 241 00:17:48,280 --> 00:17:50,965 I'm Morello and that is Watson. 242 00:17:52,360 --> 00:17:53,407 Chapman. 243 00:17:53,520 --> 00:17:55,409 And how much time you got, Chapman? 244 00:17:56,800 --> 00:17:57,801 Fifteen months. 245 00:17:57,920 --> 00:18:03,051 Oh, that's not so bad. I got 34, but I'm hoping with good time it'll be less. 246 00:18:03,120 --> 00:18:07,444 You... So you're a... They let you drive? 247 00:18:07,520 --> 00:18:11,844 Well, who else is gonna do it? We do everything around here. 248 00:18:13,080 --> 00:18:16,562 Hey, can I ask you something? You look like you'd know. 249 00:18:16,640 --> 00:18:18,290 All right, which dress you like better? 250 00:18:18,360 --> 00:18:22,046 My top two faves are the ones with the half-and-half lids stuck to the pages. 251 00:18:22,160 --> 00:18:25,687 See, I want something that's gonna express my personality. 252 00:18:25,760 --> 00:18:29,162 And the trick is, I wanna show off the boobs and the ass, 253 00:18:29,240 --> 00:18:32,005 but I'm not so happy with the upper arms and the stomach, 254 00:18:32,080 --> 00:18:33,889 so there's the challenge. 255 00:18:37,000 --> 00:18:38,001 Both nice. 256 00:18:39,040 --> 00:18:40,326 That's all you've gotta say? 257 00:18:43,040 --> 00:18:46,249 I gotta look good. My first dance is gonna go on YouTube. 258 00:18:46,320 --> 00:18:49,369 Look! I found a rock that looks like a penis with one ball. 259 00:18:49,480 --> 00:18:51,687 - No. -It's my Lance Armstrong rock. 260 00:18:52,160 --> 00:18:55,528 Hold it up. Let me see, let me see. Nice. 261 00:18:55,600 --> 00:18:57,364 Okay, now lick it, softly and tenderly, 262 00:18:57,440 --> 00:18:58,805 like you would've when you thought he was clean. 263 00:18:58,880 --> 00:19:00,245 Oh, Jesus! Shut that thing off. 264 00:19:00,360 --> 00:19:02,408 You're making a huge mistake. This could go viral. 265 00:19:02,560 --> 00:19:03,641 Seriously, shut it off. 266 00:19:03,760 --> 00:19:05,603 - What? - I'm so fat from all the stress-eating. 267 00:19:05,680 --> 00:19:08,251 I really don't want a record of it. 268 00:19:10,120 --> 00:19:12,441 You know, that's one thing I'm gonna do in prison. 269 00:19:12,520 --> 00:19:14,682 I'm gonna get ripped. 270 00:19:15,560 --> 00:19:17,403 Like Jackie Warner ripped. 271 00:19:18,080 --> 00:19:21,129 And I'm gonna read everything on my Amazon wish list. 272 00:19:21,200 --> 00:19:25,569 And maybe even learn a craft, you know? I could be crafty. 273 00:19:25,640 --> 00:19:27,244 I'm gonna make it count, Larry. 274 00:19:27,320 --> 00:19:32,201 I'm not gonna throw away a year of my life. What the hell are you looking for? 275 00:19:38,360 --> 00:19:39,805 Oh, no! 276 00:19:39,880 --> 00:19:40,927 What is that? 277 00:19:41,040 --> 00:19:42,644 Piper... 278 00:19:42,720 --> 00:19:44,529 Oh, Jesus, Larry. Why would you want... 279 00:19:44,680 --> 00:19:49,402 Why would I want a felonious, former lesbian, WASP-shiksa 280 00:19:49,480 --> 00:19:51,005 who's about to go to prison, to marry me? 281 00:19:51,080 --> 00:19:53,162 Yes. And all of the stress-eating? 282 00:19:54,080 --> 00:19:57,926 Well, because this peculiar, 283 00:19:59,120 --> 00:20:02,920 underachieving, underemployed Jew-boy loves her. 284 00:20:04,840 --> 00:20:08,128 And knows that he will never be bored, 285 00:20:08,880 --> 00:20:14,489 and can't believe how lucky he is that he met her. 286 00:20:17,440 --> 00:20:20,523 I gotta lock this shit down before you leave, Pipes. 287 00:20:23,360 --> 00:20:24,725 I love you. 288 00:20:26,200 --> 00:20:27,440 You wanna marry me? 289 00:20:28,120 --> 00:20:29,565 When I get out, right? 290 00:20:29,640 --> 00:20:31,324 Whenever you want. 291 00:20:32,280 --> 00:20:33,611 I'll be so ripped. 292 00:20:35,640 --> 00:20:39,690 You could wear a wedding dress that's like a half-shirt, you know? 293 00:20:39,800 --> 00:20:41,450 Show off those abs. 294 00:20:41,520 --> 00:20:43,010 Yeah! 295 00:20:48,640 --> 00:20:50,449 Was it your grandmother's? 296 00:20:50,640 --> 00:20:53,211 No, my mom's saving that one for my sister. 297 00:20:53,280 --> 00:20:55,760 This is my great-aunt Marcia's. 298 00:20:55,840 --> 00:20:57,365 She had thyroid cancer 299 00:20:57,440 --> 00:21:00,603 and a series of schnauzers, all named Schnapps. That's all I know. 300 00:21:02,200 --> 00:21:05,283 Put it on. I had it sized. Good. 301 00:21:10,520 --> 00:21:11,806 It's beautiful. 302 00:21:11,880 --> 00:21:13,530 And that's a "yes," right? 303 00:21:13,640 --> 00:21:14,846 Yes. 304 00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:16,481 Yeah. 305 00:21:17,160 --> 00:21:19,766 Will you say that just one more time for me? 306 00:21:19,880 --> 00:21:22,850 But, this time, just into the camera, okay? 307 00:21:22,920 --> 00:21:25,366 Oh, you asshole! 308 00:21:25,440 --> 00:21:27,329 - Come on, I had to capture the moment. - Shit. Turn it off! 309 00:21:27,400 --> 00:21:29,164 - What? - Give me that! 310 00:21:31,680 --> 00:21:33,967 Oh, you're cold. Come here. 311 00:21:34,040 --> 00:21:36,088 Bounce your legs up and down. It keeps your feet warm. 312 00:21:36,160 --> 00:21:37,321 Thanks. 313 00:21:38,680 --> 00:21:41,206 You think your man is still gonna be around when you're out? 314 00:21:41,320 --> 00:21:43,687 Yeah, he'll be there. I'm the love of his life. 315 00:21:45,480 --> 00:21:47,482 Thirty-four months is a long time. 316 00:21:48,360 --> 00:21:50,283 Yeah, but she's the love of his life! 317 00:21:51,120 --> 00:21:53,407 And who the fuck asked you? 318 00:21:53,480 --> 00:21:54,561 Head on up. 319 00:21:54,680 --> 00:21:56,250 All the gates open to one and two. 320 00:21:56,320 --> 00:21:59,608 All right, so his tie is gonna match the bridesmaids' dresses. 321 00:21:59,680 --> 00:22:01,045 There's six bridesmaids. 322 00:22:01,120 --> 00:22:03,168 My cousin's being a bitch, so I'm thinking about dropping her. 323 00:22:12,160 --> 00:22:13,924 All right, let's go. 324 00:22:39,040 --> 00:22:40,087 Hello, Miss Claudette. 325 00:22:40,200 --> 00:22:41,690 Morello. 326 00:22:44,680 --> 00:22:45,966 Watch out for that one. 327 00:22:46,040 --> 00:22:49,840 Don't get me wrong, she's a good lady, but you don't wanna get on her bad side. 328 00:22:50,560 --> 00:22:52,244 Go ahead. Go. 329 00:22:55,080 --> 00:22:57,890 Okay, I'm gonna send you all through to processing, 330 00:22:57,960 --> 00:22:59,325 you'll get your room assignments, 331 00:22:59,440 --> 00:23:02,569 and I'll meet you back here and show you your bunks. Okay? 332 00:23:02,640 --> 00:23:05,086 Don't look so bummed. Gonna get the wrinkles. 333 00:23:05,440 --> 00:23:07,966 All right, raise your head and look at the lens. 334 00:23:09,320 --> 00:23:11,049 Oh, crap! 335 00:23:11,440 --> 00:23:14,125 New guy, what's your name, Bennett? 336 00:23:14,880 --> 00:23:17,201 Bennett, it's not fucking working again. 337 00:23:17,280 --> 00:23:19,601 - You turn it on? - Yeah, I turned it on. 338 00:23:23,440 --> 00:23:26,922 Wait, I think I got it. Ready? 339 00:23:27,000 --> 00:23:28,331 Yeah. Yep. 340 00:23:29,840 --> 00:23:31,569 Wait, no. 341 00:23:31,680 --> 00:23:33,648 - What does this button do? - No! Don't touch that. 342 00:23:34,400 --> 00:23:35,970 Sorry, princess. 343 00:23:36,920 --> 00:23:38,081 There's a cord right there. 344 00:23:38,160 --> 00:23:40,970 Do you think that that needs to be connected to something? 345 00:23:42,280 --> 00:23:43,884 Shut your mouth and stand still. 346 00:23:48,120 --> 00:23:50,009 - She's right. - Okay, fine. 347 00:23:50,080 --> 00:23:51,241 Got it. 348 00:23:51,320 --> 00:23:52,481 I wasn't ready. 349 00:23:52,560 --> 00:23:54,483 Tough shit. Next. 350 00:23:54,600 --> 00:23:58,400 This is a TB test. Nice veins. 351 00:23:58,480 --> 00:24:00,323 - No track marks. - Thanks. 352 00:24:00,400 --> 00:24:02,129 Tattoos? 353 00:24:02,200 --> 00:24:03,486 Oh, yeah. 354 00:24:05,320 --> 00:24:07,084 Oh, a fish. You like fish? 355 00:24:09,000 --> 00:24:13,608 Saw it on a scuba diving trip. Thought it was beautiful. 356 00:24:13,720 --> 00:24:18,851 I don't like fish. I like pork, chicken. But it's a pretty fish. 357 00:24:20,160 --> 00:24:21,571 Thanks. 358 00:24:21,640 --> 00:24:23,085 It's gonna rub off when I sweat. 359 00:24:23,160 --> 00:24:26,209 No, it won't. It's waterproof. Stop. 360 00:24:28,440 --> 00:24:32,081 So, when this dries, you should be good to go. 361 00:24:33,840 --> 00:24:35,171 How am I gonna get it off? 362 00:24:35,240 --> 00:24:36,366 Acetone. 363 00:24:38,360 --> 00:24:40,567 Great. Alex, I don't, I don't know if I can... 364 00:24:40,640 --> 00:24:42,130 Hey- 365 00:24:42,200 --> 00:24:43,690 Hey, hey, hey- 366 00:24:49,600 --> 00:24:53,161 You are a nice blonde lady, aren't you? 367 00:24:55,800 --> 00:24:57,529 A proper young lady. 368 00:24:59,160 --> 00:25:02,209 Just picking up her sensible bag in the baggage claim 369 00:25:02,880 --> 00:25:06,282 before heading off to her mid-range hotel to go over her schedules. 370 00:25:06,400 --> 00:25:08,721 Museum visits and fancy dinners. 371 00:25:15,960 --> 00:25:19,567 It's all fine. It's all good. 372 00:25:20,720 --> 00:25:24,406 And I will meet you in Brussels, and everything will work out perfectly, babe. 373 00:25:24,480 --> 00:25:25,766 I promise. 374 00:25:27,920 --> 00:25:29,763 It's all gonna be okay. 375 00:25:31,240 --> 00:25:32,241 Are you okay? 376 00:25:33,240 --> 00:25:35,561 Fine. I guess. 377 00:25:38,640 --> 00:25:40,165 What's PoPi? 378 00:25:40,240 --> 00:25:41,480 Poppy- 379 00:25:43,120 --> 00:25:46,727 It's a bath products line I'd started with my friend, Polly. 380 00:25:46,800 --> 00:25:51,044 Polly and Piper. PoPi. We're gonna be in Barneys. 381 00:25:51,720 --> 00:25:52,721 Barneys? 382 00:25:53,600 --> 00:25:54,931 It's a nice store. 383 00:25:57,080 --> 00:26:00,687 It's a pretty big case. Criminal conspiracy. 384 00:26:00,760 --> 00:26:03,366 That's what they charged me with. 385 00:26:03,440 --> 00:26:06,011 I carried a suitcase of money. 386 00:26:06,080 --> 00:26:08,731 Drug money. Once. 387 00:26:09,760 --> 00:26:11,046 Ten years ago. 388 00:26:11,120 --> 00:26:12,804 What's the statute of limitations on that? 389 00:26:14,800 --> 00:26:16,006 Twelve years. 390 00:26:17,000 --> 00:26:18,365 That's tough. 391 00:26:18,440 --> 00:26:19,646 Well, 392 00:26:21,240 --> 00:26:27,122 I did it, that one time, 10 years ago. 393 00:26:27,480 --> 00:26:28,641 What did your lawyer say? 394 00:26:28,760 --> 00:26:31,161 He said with the mandatory minimums with drug crimes, 395 00:26:31,240 --> 00:26:33,971 he wouldn't recommend risking a trial. So, I pleaded out. 396 00:26:34,280 --> 00:26:35,406 And here you are. 397 00:26:36,120 --> 00:26:37,121 Here I am. 398 00:26:37,960 --> 00:26:41,885 Costing the tax payers money and sweating in my armchair. 399 00:26:42,400 --> 00:26:44,801 You know, I've been here for 22 years, 400 00:26:44,880 --> 00:26:48,202 and I still can't figure out how the system works. 401 00:26:48,840 --> 00:26:51,241 I got a crack dealer who is doing nine months, 402 00:26:51,320 --> 00:26:56,121 and then I have a lady who accidentally backed into a mailman 403 00:26:56,200 --> 00:26:58,248 who is doing four years. 404 00:26:58,320 --> 00:27:00,561 I mean, the guy broke his collar bone, but come on. 405 00:27:00,680 --> 00:27:02,444 I just don't get it. 406 00:27:04,880 --> 00:27:06,962 Are you gonna barf? 407 00:27:07,040 --> 00:27:09,611 Tell me if you're gonna barf. Because there's a can behind you. 408 00:27:09,680 --> 00:27:11,330 I won't barf. 409 00:27:11,440 --> 00:27:14,410 I will be truly displeased if you barf anywhere but in that can. 410 00:27:15,320 --> 00:27:16,765 Not gonna barf. 411 00:27:18,880 --> 00:27:20,370 Miss Chapman, 412 00:27:21,840 --> 00:27:25,845 no one's gonna mess with you here unless you let them. 413 00:27:26,840 --> 00:27:28,649 This isn't Oz. 414 00:27:28,840 --> 00:27:31,161 Women fight with gossip and rumors. 415 00:27:31,720 --> 00:27:36,408 They might peg you for rich and try to hit you up for commissary. 416 00:27:38,000 --> 00:27:39,365 And there are lesbians. 417 00:27:40,920 --> 00:27:42,365 They're not gonna bother you. 418 00:27:42,440 --> 00:27:45,922 They'll try to be your friend, just stay away from them. 419 00:27:46,880 --> 00:27:53,411 I want you to understand, you do not have to have lesbian sex. 420 00:27:59,560 --> 00:28:01,244 I have a fiancé. 421 00:28:02,760 --> 00:28:03,966 His name is Larry. 422 00:28:04,040 --> 00:28:05,565 He's a writer. 423 00:28:07,400 --> 00:28:08,686 Can he come visit me? 424 00:28:08,760 --> 00:28:11,047 - Is he in here? - Yes. Everybody's in there. 425 00:28:11,120 --> 00:28:14,249 All the people in the PSI are cleared to visit. 426 00:28:14,320 --> 00:28:15,560 He can come this weekend. 427 00:28:16,480 --> 00:28:20,087 - I'll make sure the list is in the visiting room. - Thank you so much, Mr. Healy. 428 00:28:21,360 --> 00:28:25,081 You just keep to yourself. And you'll be fine. 429 00:28:25,200 --> 00:28:26,611 And don't make friends. 430 00:28:27,760 --> 00:28:33,164 And remember, nothing goes on here that I don't know about. 431 00:28:33,440 --> 00:28:36,649 You know everything about me! I tell you everything! 432 00:28:37,600 --> 00:28:40,171 The webcam horror, the penis shaving incident. 433 00:28:40,280 --> 00:28:41,611 How do I not know this? 434 00:28:41,720 --> 00:28:44,087 What was I supposed to say? It was... 435 00:28:44,880 --> 00:28:46,120 It was a phase. 436 00:28:46,200 --> 00:28:50,728 It was my lost-soul, post-college adventure phase. 437 00:28:52,440 --> 00:28:56,650 I was so embarrassed. I can't believe that she did this. 438 00:28:56,760 --> 00:28:58,524 I can't believe you did this. 439 00:28:59,280 --> 00:29:00,520 I mean, who are you? 440 00:29:00,600 --> 00:29:03,888 I feel like I'm in a Bourne movie. Have you killed? 441 00:29:06,280 --> 00:29:09,363 Oh, Jesus. Oh, no. Baby. Stop. Stop, stop. 442 00:29:09,560 --> 00:29:10,846 Come on. Come on. 443 00:29:12,600 --> 00:29:13,681 Okay. 444 00:29:13,760 --> 00:29:15,444 You should break up with me. 445 00:29:15,520 --> 00:29:17,921 - What? - You didn't sign up for this. 446 00:29:18,000 --> 00:29:21,800 Okay, stop it. Stop it. Come on. It's okay. 447 00:29:22,120 --> 00:29:24,851 Okay? 448 00:29:27,960 --> 00:29:30,725 "Witness states, Piper Chapman carried drug money. 449 00:29:30,800 --> 00:29:32,882 "Piper Chapman was part of the ring." 450 00:29:33,000 --> 00:29:34,240 Were you? 451 00:29:35,520 --> 00:29:36,965 I was 22. 452 00:29:38,000 --> 00:29:40,241 I thought that I was in love. 453 00:29:40,960 --> 00:29:42,610 I was in love. 454 00:29:42,680 --> 00:29:44,921 And it was all crazy. 455 00:29:45,000 --> 00:29:49,289 And then it got scary, 456 00:29:49,360 --> 00:29:50,885 and I ran away, 457 00:29:50,960 --> 00:29:54,726 and I became the nice blonde lady that I was supposed to be. 458 00:29:54,880 --> 00:30:00,011 I knew that she wasn't a good person, but fuck her! 459 00:30:01,800 --> 00:30:05,486 Fuck her! This is not gonna be okay. 460 00:30:07,000 --> 00:30:08,331 - No. - No. 461 00:30:08,480 --> 00:30:09,766 It's not. 462 00:30:15,360 --> 00:30:18,409 But we'll deal with it, okay? 463 00:30:21,120 --> 00:30:22,884 We'll figure it out. 464 00:30:23,680 --> 00:30:24,920 Have you called a lawyer? 465 00:30:26,040 --> 00:30:27,769 - No. - I'll call my dad. 466 00:30:27,880 --> 00:30:30,326 No! No. Please don't call your dad. He already hates me. 467 00:30:30,400 --> 00:30:33,688 Yeah, well, I love you. 468 00:30:33,760 --> 00:30:39,563 And, and he loves me, so, here we go. 469 00:30:40,200 --> 00:30:42,248 All right, we gotta hustle, 'cause the count's soon. 470 00:30:42,360 --> 00:30:44,761 Rooms are there. Dorms are down there. 471 00:30:44,840 --> 00:30:46,808 Now, you are not allowed down there. 472 00:30:46,880 --> 00:30:48,962 It's out of bounds for you guys until you get assigned there. 473 00:30:49,040 --> 00:30:50,690 You understand? 474 00:30:50,760 --> 00:30:52,364 Namaste, Jones! 475 00:30:53,560 --> 00:30:57,565 She teaches yoga if you ever want. And she's good. She's very spiritual. 476 00:30:57,640 --> 00:30:59,483 All right, we got some offices here. 477 00:30:59,560 --> 00:31:02,643 This is the dining hall, common room, counselor's office. 478 00:31:02,720 --> 00:31:04,290 Who you got for a counselor? 479 00:31:04,360 --> 00:31:05,691 Healy. 480 00:31:05,800 --> 00:31:07,006 Okay. Yeah. 481 00:31:07,080 --> 00:31:08,161 What? 482 00:31:08,240 --> 00:31:10,925 Nah, it's fine. It's fine. He does his paperwork. That's a good thing. 483 00:31:12,200 --> 00:31:14,123 When do we get outfits like everybody? 484 00:31:14,200 --> 00:31:16,680 I don't know. Maybe tomorrow after breakfast. 485 00:31:16,760 --> 00:31:19,001 You go down, you speak to the lady... 486 00:31:20,960 --> 00:31:22,086 What the fuck? 487 00:31:23,400 --> 00:31:24,447 Friend of yours? 488 00:31:25,440 --> 00:31:27,920 No. It's my mom. 489 00:31:28,920 --> 00:31:32,561 All right, Chapman, Diaz, this is you. 490 00:31:32,640 --> 00:31:36,440 DeMarco, this is Chapman. She's new. Self-surrender. You show her what's what? 491 00:31:36,520 --> 00:31:37,726 Sure. 492 00:31:37,800 --> 00:31:41,282 Okay, Mendoza, this is Diaz. Go, go. She'll help you. 493 00:31:44,120 --> 00:31:45,610 I don't speak Spanish. 494 00:31:46,600 --> 00:31:48,409 Great. Another fucking coconut. 495 00:31:48,480 --> 00:31:50,608 What's the matter with your mother, she don't teach you Spanish? 496 00:31:53,240 --> 00:31:57,484 Here. Here's some tissues. First night's always hard. 497 00:31:58,160 --> 00:32:01,846 And a toothbrush. They don't give you one. 498 00:32:02,920 --> 00:32:05,082 Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you for everything. 499 00:32:05,160 --> 00:32:07,891 No, no. It's no problem. We look out for our own. 500 00:32:09,320 --> 00:32:10,446 Our own? 501 00:32:10,520 --> 00:32:14,650 Oh, don't get all PC on me. It's tribal, not racist. I'll see you around. 502 00:32:21,480 --> 00:32:22,527 Tell me your name again? 503 00:32:22,640 --> 00:32:25,644 Piper. Chapman. 504 00:32:26,160 --> 00:32:27,286 That's Miss Rosa. 505 00:32:28,520 --> 00:32:31,967 And that's Nichols. Just got out of SHU a week ago. 506 00:32:32,040 --> 00:32:37,524 Told a CO to kiss her ass. Dumb. Why make trouble for yourself, you know? 507 00:32:37,640 --> 00:32:39,369 SHU. That's solitary? 508 00:32:39,440 --> 00:32:42,523 Yep. And you don't want it, honey. Trust me. 509 00:32:43,080 --> 00:32:45,481 Here's some toilet paper. You gotta take it with you. 510 00:32:46,400 --> 00:32:48,641 Thanks. What's that thing? 511 00:32:50,360 --> 00:32:53,921 Oh, that's my machine. I need it at night. 512 00:32:54,000 --> 00:32:55,968 When I first got here, I had a massive heart attack. 513 00:32:57,680 --> 00:32:58,761 Do you know about the count? 514 00:32:58,840 --> 00:33:00,524 Wait, can you go back to the heart attack? 515 00:33:00,600 --> 00:33:01,726 I don't like to dwell. 516 00:33:01,880 --> 00:33:03,882 How do I make a phone call? 517 00:33:04,040 --> 00:33:08,250 You need a PAC number. Fill out a form. Whole rigmarole. 518 00:33:08,320 --> 00:33:11,005 But maybe Caputo will let you make a call later. 519 00:33:11,080 --> 00:33:13,048 It helps if you cry. 520 00:33:16,720 --> 00:33:17,846 Don't make your bed! 521 00:33:17,920 --> 00:33:18,921 What? 522 00:33:19,040 --> 00:33:20,451 We'll make it for you. 523 00:33:20,560 --> 00:33:22,130 Oh, no, that's okay. You don't need to do that. 524 00:33:22,320 --> 00:33:28,726 Honey! We'll make the bed. We know how. 525 00:33:29,720 --> 00:33:30,846 I know how to make a bed. 526 00:33:30,920 --> 00:33:33,241 We know how to do it so we'll pass inspection. 527 00:33:33,320 --> 00:33:37,405 You can help clean. We clean everything with Maxi Pads. 528 00:33:37,920 --> 00:33:38,967 Seriously? 529 00:33:39,160 --> 00:33:41,561 Yep. It's a head-scratcher, but that's what we got. 530 00:33:42,280 --> 00:33:44,328 So, we make our beds in the morning before they... 531 00:33:44,400 --> 00:33:48,200 No. You sleep on top of the bed. With a blanket over you. 532 00:33:48,760 --> 00:33:50,330 What if I want to sleep in the bed? 533 00:33:50,400 --> 00:33:52,607 Look, you can do what you want, 534 00:33:52,680 --> 00:33:55,843 but you will be the only one in this entire prison that does. 535 00:33:55,920 --> 00:33:58,730 You want that? Be my guest. 536 00:33:58,800 --> 00:34:01,770 Count time! Count time! Count time, ladies! 537 00:34:02,120 --> 00:34:05,010 That light comes on, you need to be where you're supposed to be, 538 00:34:05,080 --> 00:34:08,641 and you don't move until it goes off. Dinner's after. 539 00:34:09,760 --> 00:34:11,808 Hey, Blanca. You speak Spanish? 540 00:34:16,080 --> 00:34:19,527 You see, fucking white girl speaks Spanish. 541 00:34:34,440 --> 00:34:35,441 So? 542 00:34:35,680 --> 00:34:36,966 Wait. 543 00:34:48,520 --> 00:34:49,806 Dinner's at 4:30? 544 00:34:49,920 --> 00:34:51,763 Recount, ladies! 545 00:34:53,760 --> 00:34:57,003 - They always screw it up. - How hard is it to fucking count? 546 00:34:57,080 --> 00:34:58,969 Nicky, this is... 547 00:34:59,120 --> 00:35:00,531 Piper. Chapman. 548 00:35:01,640 --> 00:35:03,529 Look at you, blondie. What'd you do? 549 00:35:03,640 --> 00:35:06,325 Aren't you not supposed to ask that question? 550 00:35:06,400 --> 00:35:08,084 I read that you're not supposed to ask that. 551 00:35:08,840 --> 00:35:10,330 You read that? 552 00:35:11,120 --> 00:35:13,122 What, you studied for prison? 553 00:35:22,760 --> 00:35:23,761 What did you do? 554 00:35:23,840 --> 00:35:25,444 I can't understand your French. 555 00:35:25,640 --> 00:35:28,405 Mon bag! Bag! 556 00:35:28,520 --> 00:35:29,931 My bag hasn't arrived. 557 00:35:30,080 --> 00:35:32,924 The bags do not make it onto the right flight sometime. 558 00:35:33,000 --> 00:35:36,846 Wait for the next shuttle from Paris. It's probably on that plane. 559 00:36:03,040 --> 00:36:04,804 Mon bag! 560 00:36:04,880 --> 00:36:05,927 My bag. 561 00:36:22,760 --> 00:36:25,604 Welcome to Belgium. All good? 562 00:36:27,240 --> 00:36:29,083 I was starting to worry. Where did you come from? 563 00:36:29,240 --> 00:36:30,241 Over there. 564 00:36:31,320 --> 00:36:32,526 You didn't go through customs? 565 00:36:32,680 --> 00:36:35,047 No, I just walked out of that door and it brought me right here. 566 00:36:35,120 --> 00:36:39,205 You skipped customs? Holy shit! It's genius. 567 00:36:39,320 --> 00:36:41,926 - Well, should I go back? - Fuck, no. We're going to the hotel. 568 00:36:42,000 --> 00:36:44,207 I'm gonna eat you for dinner. 569 00:36:45,320 --> 00:36:48,244 Alex, I was so freaked out when the bag didn't show up, I almost bailed. 570 00:36:48,400 --> 00:36:51,404 Well, it's good thing you didn't. There's over 50 grand in that bag. 571 00:36:51,520 --> 00:36:53,841 Kubra would have had you killed. Come on. 572 00:36:55,560 --> 00:36:57,483 Keep moving. You're blocking up the works. 573 00:37:06,280 --> 00:37:08,886 Okay, go sit there. She's a nice white lady. 574 00:37:10,680 --> 00:37:11,681 Thanks. 575 00:37:22,320 --> 00:37:23,481 Hi. 576 00:37:25,120 --> 00:37:26,326 It's okay if I sit here? 577 00:37:26,960 --> 00:37:28,166 Sure, newbie. 578 00:37:30,120 --> 00:37:31,246 I'm Jones. 579 00:37:31,920 --> 00:37:33,081 Chapman. 580 00:37:34,280 --> 00:37:35,770 You doing okay, Chapman? 581 00:37:36,480 --> 00:37:38,847 I don't really know how to answer that question. 582 00:37:40,240 --> 00:37:42,607 Everything's pretty surreal right now. 583 00:37:45,760 --> 00:37:47,728 Do you know what a mandala is? 584 00:37:49,360 --> 00:37:51,681 Those are those round Buddhist art things. 585 00:37:51,880 --> 00:37:55,726 The Tibetan monks make them out of dyed sand 586 00:37:55,800 --> 00:37:59,327 laid out into big, beautiful designs. 587 00:37:59,640 --> 00:38:03,406 And when they're done, after days or weeks of work, 588 00:38:03,480 --> 00:38:05,482 they wipe it all away. 589 00:38:07,000 --> 00:38:10,004 Wow. That's a lot. 590 00:38:10,440 --> 00:38:14,445 Try to look at your experience here as a mandala, Chapman. 591 00:38:15,720 --> 00:38:20,726 Work hard to make something as meaningful and beautiful as you can. 592 00:38:20,800 --> 00:38:24,521 And when you're done, pack it in and know it was all temporary. 593 00:38:25,120 --> 00:38:29,489 You have to remember that. It's all temporary. 594 00:38:30,880 --> 00:38:32,689 It's all temporary. 595 00:38:33,840 --> 00:38:39,290 I'm telling you. Surviving here is all about perspective. 596 00:38:42,360 --> 00:38:43,600 Don't eat the pudding. 597 00:38:43,680 --> 00:38:45,682 What's the perspective on the pudding? 598 00:38:45,800 --> 00:38:47,962 It comes in big cans marked "Desert Storm." 599 00:38:48,880 --> 00:38:53,044 Sometimes the kitchen has to scrape the mold off the top before they serve it. 600 00:38:53,640 --> 00:38:54,880 Hi, there. 601 00:38:55,560 --> 00:38:58,325 Hi, Sister. This is Chapman. 602 00:38:58,960 --> 00:39:00,121 Sister? As in nun? 603 00:39:01,040 --> 00:39:02,724 Yep. A killer nun. 604 00:39:03,520 --> 00:39:05,568 Now, stop it. She doesn't know you're joking. 605 00:39:05,640 --> 00:39:09,406 She chained herself to a flagpole at a nuclear test site. 606 00:39:13,720 --> 00:39:15,131 Amen. 607 00:39:15,200 --> 00:39:18,727 So. Now, Chapman, what's your story? 608 00:39:19,480 --> 00:39:21,562 I chained myself to a drug dealer. 609 00:39:23,640 --> 00:39:27,087 Piper, you can't be taking advice from a nun and a hippie. 610 00:39:27,320 --> 00:39:31,803 By all means, seek out the supreme wisdom of the junkie philosopher. 611 00:39:32,240 --> 00:39:33,446 I pray for you, Nicky. 612 00:39:34,240 --> 00:39:36,766 I pray for you, too, Sister. 613 00:39:36,840 --> 00:39:40,322 I lust after you, Yoga Jones, those sinewy arms. 614 00:39:41,680 --> 00:39:43,125 You gotta love a yoga body. 615 00:39:43,240 --> 00:39:45,766 You should come to class. Watch me Chaturanga. 616 00:39:46,000 --> 00:39:49,641 That whole common room smells like farts. It kind of takes away the magic for me. 617 00:39:50,040 --> 00:39:51,246 You like pussy, Piper? 618 00:39:51,680 --> 00:39:53,967 Or you prefer pipe as your name suggests? 619 00:39:54,040 --> 00:39:56,361 I'm feeling some Sapphic vibes coming off you. 620 00:39:56,440 --> 00:39:57,851 Oh, leave her alone. 621 00:39:59,400 --> 00:40:00,526 Come on, Sister. 622 00:40:00,600 --> 00:40:02,602 You know you would've gone my way if you hadn't married Jesus. 623 00:40:10,040 --> 00:40:11,121 Thank you, Mommy. 624 00:40:13,480 --> 00:40:14,527 Thanks, Red. 625 00:40:17,760 --> 00:40:18,807 Thanks, Red. 626 00:40:22,240 --> 00:40:23,366 She's your mom? 627 00:40:23,560 --> 00:40:24,925 Maternal figurehead. 628 00:40:25,000 --> 00:40:27,765 My actual mother lives in Brazil with her boyfriend, Paolo, 629 00:40:27,840 --> 00:40:30,491 who destroys rainforests and collects photo-realistic art. 630 00:40:30,560 --> 00:40:32,528 She is a cunt. I am an embarrassment. 631 00:40:32,600 --> 00:40:35,251 Hey, Red. You got one of those for me? 632 00:40:35,880 --> 00:40:37,689 You got what I asked you for? 633 00:40:38,480 --> 00:40:39,766 I'm working on it. 634 00:40:40,520 --> 00:40:44,809 So am I. Treats come when I sleep better. 635 00:40:50,320 --> 00:40:54,450 How hard is it to get me a board from the wood-shop? People. 636 00:40:56,720 --> 00:40:57,846 Who's this? 637 00:40:58,200 --> 00:41:02,330 This is Chapman. She's new. Self-surrender. Thinks she's fancy. 638 00:41:03,960 --> 00:41:07,726 Here, fancy. Have a yogurt. 639 00:41:11,480 --> 00:41:13,050 What do I have to do for it? 640 00:41:14,040 --> 00:41:17,886 You're new. You're one of us. Consider it a gift. 641 00:41:18,680 --> 00:41:22,844 Thank you. Thank you so much. 642 00:41:26,560 --> 00:41:28,722 The food here is disgusting. 643 00:41:38,520 --> 00:41:39,646 What? 644 00:41:39,840 --> 00:41:41,842 Did I mention that Red runs the kitchen? 645 00:41:44,560 --> 00:41:48,007 Shit. I'm sorry. 646 00:41:53,040 --> 00:41:54,405 Honey. 647 00:41:55,400 --> 00:41:57,721 I know you just got here, so you don't know what's what. 648 00:41:58,040 --> 00:41:59,644 Well, I'm gonna tell you. 649 00:41:59,720 --> 00:42:04,567 You don't like the food? It's no problem. 650 00:42:12,040 --> 00:42:16,090 Holy shit. That was an epic fuck-up. 651 00:42:18,880 --> 00:42:19,881 Can I help you? 652 00:42:20,760 --> 00:42:23,969 I'm Chapman. I'm new today. 653 00:42:24,160 --> 00:42:27,607 They told me I should talk to you. I don't have a PAC number. 654 00:42:27,760 --> 00:42:28,921 Who's they? 655 00:42:31,640 --> 00:42:37,886 Mr. Caputo, please let me call my fiancé. I have to let him know I'm okay. 656 00:42:39,440 --> 00:42:42,444 Two minutes. You got two minutes, that's it. 657 00:42:42,520 --> 00:42:44,602 Close the door, I don't want a run on my office. 658 00:42:44,720 --> 00:42:47,166 Inmate Gonzalez report to the supply room. 659 00:42:53,160 --> 00:42:54,889 Dial nine to get out. 660 00:43:05,040 --> 00:43:07,042 - Hello, Larry's phone. - Amy? 661 00:43:07,120 --> 00:43:08,770 - Piper? - Give me the phone. 662 00:43:08,840 --> 00:43:10,649 One second. Can I say hello? 663 00:43:10,760 --> 00:43:13,047 Amy, I only have two minutes to talk. 664 00:43:13,120 --> 00:43:15,851 Are you okay? What's it like in there? 665 00:43:15,920 --> 00:43:19,242 Howard and I brought Chinese. Larry is so upset. 666 00:43:19,360 --> 00:43:20,407 - Mom. - Let him talk, Amy. 667 00:43:20,480 --> 00:43:21,481 Ma, give me the phone. 668 00:43:21,560 --> 00:43:23,130 Amy, please let me talk to Larry. 669 00:43:23,200 --> 00:43:26,170 You know, I read that when Martha Stewart was in prison, 670 00:43:26,240 --> 00:43:27,651 she foraged for dandelions. 671 00:43:27,800 --> 00:43:29,245 Okay, Mom, please. 672 00:43:29,360 --> 00:43:32,125 - I was talking! - Amy, it's not always about you, dear. 673 00:43:32,240 --> 00:43:34,049 - What is that supposed to mean? - Piper? 674 00:43:34,120 --> 00:43:36,168 I only have a minute now. I'm calling from the guard's office. 675 00:43:36,240 --> 00:43:38,004 Hey, are you okay? What's going on? 676 00:43:38,080 --> 00:43:39,366 I love you so much. 677 00:43:39,440 --> 00:43:41,329 I love you, too. Are you okay? 678 00:43:41,400 --> 00:43:44,051 I'm wearing granny panties and I've only spoken to white people. 679 00:43:45,000 --> 00:43:46,411 You joining the Aryan Nation? 680 00:43:46,480 --> 00:43:48,369 I don't know. But there's a nun here. 681 00:43:48,520 --> 00:43:50,727 And you're not allowed to sleep in your bed. Only on top of it. 682 00:43:50,800 --> 00:43:51,847 That's weird. 683 00:43:51,960 --> 00:43:53,007 I know, right? 684 00:43:53,080 --> 00:43:56,527 And when I got here, they gave me these little bars of hotel soap, but no shampoo. 685 00:43:56,880 --> 00:44:00,601 But I think that I can borrow some from other white people. 686 00:44:01,680 --> 00:44:03,284 I love you so much. 687 00:44:04,840 --> 00:44:07,366 One of my roommates had a massive heart attack when she got here. 688 00:44:07,480 --> 00:44:09,721 Okay, you are not allowed to have a heart attack. 689 00:44:10,960 --> 00:44:12,121 What did you have for dinner? 690 00:44:13,000 --> 00:44:15,048 My folks brought from The Palace. 691 00:44:16,240 --> 00:44:17,446 The Palace. 692 00:44:18,440 --> 00:44:20,044 Dinner here was scary liver. 693 00:44:20,960 --> 00:44:23,122 And I insulted the chef, 694 00:44:23,200 --> 00:44:27,125 and you're not supposed to eat the pudding because it's been to Desert Storm. 695 00:44:27,240 --> 00:44:30,084 Piper, listen to me. You cannot lose your shit, okay? 696 00:44:30,160 --> 00:44:32,561 I mean it. Please, please tell me you're keeping it together. 697 00:44:32,640 --> 00:44:35,530 Please, please tell me you're okay. 698 00:44:35,680 --> 00:44:38,570 - Wrap it up, Chapman. - I'm Chapman here. 699 00:44:38,760 --> 00:44:44,608 You're my Pipes, okay? And I love you, and this is only temporary. 700 00:44:45,600 --> 00:44:48,604 That's what Yoga Jones said. But it's just been one day. 701 00:44:48,680 --> 00:44:50,170 And I can't, I can't! 702 00:44:50,240 --> 00:44:52,481 Piper, you can. You so can, okay? 703 00:44:52,560 --> 00:44:55,450 You are so strong, babe. You... 704 00:44:55,520 --> 00:44:56,885 And you love adventure, right? 705 00:44:56,960 --> 00:44:59,247 That's what got you in there, and that's what's gonna get you through. 706 00:44:59,320 --> 00:45:03,245 This is all just a big adventure with liver and Yoga Jones, 707 00:45:03,320 --> 00:45:05,129 and racism. 708 00:45:05,280 --> 00:45:07,521 You can come on Friday. Please come on Friday. 709 00:45:07,640 --> 00:45:08,880 Tell my mother to come on Saturday, 710 00:45:08,960 --> 00:45:10,769 and don't tell her that you're coming on Friday, okay? 711 00:45:10,840 --> 00:45:12,649 Of course. Okay? 712 00:45:12,720 --> 00:45:14,688 Two sleeps. That's it. 713 00:45:14,760 --> 00:45:18,481 Two sleeps on top of your bed. And then, I will be there. 714 00:45:19,160 --> 00:45:21,811 Coming up on lights out. Say goodbye. 715 00:45:22,640 --> 00:45:23,687 I have to go. 716 00:45:23,760 --> 00:45:24,886 Hey, no crying- 717 00:45:24,960 --> 00:45:26,200 I'm not crying. 718 00:45:26,280 --> 00:45:28,521 Piper, I love you. I will see you on Friday. 719 00:45:28,600 --> 00:45:31,683 Please, be brave. Don't let anyone into your granny panties. 720 00:45:31,760 --> 00:45:32,841 I love you. 721 00:45:32,920 --> 00:45:34,285 I love you. 722 00:45:39,080 --> 00:45:42,084 Your head's not here yet. Don't worry, it'll catch up. 723 00:45:43,280 --> 00:45:46,090 In the meantime, try to get some sleep. 724 00:45:46,160 --> 00:45:49,243 Orientation is tomorrow at 9:00. 725 00:45:49,320 --> 00:45:51,084 Shampoo for you. 726 00:45:53,440 --> 00:45:55,647 I think the words you're looking for are, "Thank you." 727 00:45:56,320 --> 00:45:57,651 Thank you. 728 00:45:58,520 --> 00:45:59,726 Good night, Chapman. 729 00:46:03,960 --> 00:46:05,644 Close the door behind you. 730 00:46:24,360 --> 00:46:26,966 Chapman. Hey, Chapman. 731 00:46:27,040 --> 00:46:28,041 - What? - Rise and shine. 732 00:46:28,160 --> 00:46:29,286 What? What? 733 00:46:29,360 --> 00:46:32,125 You want time to shower and eat, you gotta get up. 734 00:46:32,240 --> 00:46:34,242 Look at your eyes. 735 00:46:34,320 --> 00:46:35,765 You should put some cold water on them. 736 00:46:35,880 --> 00:46:37,166 Okay. Thanks. 737 00:46:37,240 --> 00:46:41,165 Take a nice shower, get dressed, you'll start to feel normal soon enough. 738 00:46:41,800 --> 00:46:43,529 - You got flip-flops? - No. 739 00:46:44,000 --> 00:46:47,482 Oh, honey. There's wicked fungus in the showers. 740 00:47:05,360 --> 00:47:07,362 You're driving me crazy! 741 00:47:16,360 --> 00:47:17,486 Boo! 742 00:47:39,360 --> 00:47:41,567 Everyone gets a piece of fruit at breakfast. 743 00:47:41,640 --> 00:47:44,883 I'm telling you, it'll all start to feel normal, soon. Really. 744 00:47:45,440 --> 00:47:48,091 - You hungry? - I'm starving. Excuse me. 745 00:47:48,240 --> 00:47:49,810 - Such pretty hair. - Thank you. 746 00:47:50,040 --> 00:47:52,486 When those roots start to show, be sure to come and see me, okay? 747 00:47:52,560 --> 00:47:54,324 I'll take good care of you. 748 00:47:54,400 --> 00:47:57,244 But even if you don't come to me, don't go to Danita. 749 00:47:57,360 --> 00:48:00,887 She'll burn the shit out of your scalp. Go. Line's moving. 750 00:48:01,960 --> 00:48:03,246 Wait, Chapman? Are you Chapman? 751 00:48:03,440 --> 00:48:04,521 Yes. 752 00:48:08,440 --> 00:48:10,408 Red says she made that special for you. 753 00:48:10,480 --> 00:48:13,484 Wow. Thanks. Tell her I said thanks. 754 00:48:13,640 --> 00:48:15,608 I don't say nothing. I'm just working. Next. 755 00:48:17,440 --> 00:48:18,521 Man, I'm telling you, 756 00:48:18,600 --> 00:48:21,524 before my teeth got knocked out, I had this awesome gap. 757 00:48:21,600 --> 00:48:23,443 Now they look like Chiclets, look. 758 00:48:23,560 --> 00:48:25,483 You're crazy. Your fake teeth are beautiful. 759 00:48:25,560 --> 00:48:27,289 Bet you never get the food stuck in them. 760 00:48:27,360 --> 00:48:30,170 So, you got the nice fresh breath all the time. It's minty. It's beautiful. 761 00:48:30,240 --> 00:48:33,687 It's like God put them in you every day. A summer breeze coming over here. 762 00:48:33,840 --> 00:48:36,320 - Yeah? You like that? - Always smell... Yeah. Yeah. 763 00:48:39,240 --> 00:48:40,526 What did you do? 764 00:48:40,600 --> 00:48:42,090 She insulted the food in front of Red. 765 00:48:42,240 --> 00:48:44,607 Oh, jeez. I don't think you're gonna be eating for a while. 766 00:48:47,040 --> 00:48:49,646 Put it away. I'm enjoying menopause very much, thank you. 767 00:48:50,720 --> 00:48:53,200 You gotta figure out how to make things right with Red. 768 00:48:53,360 --> 00:48:55,283 And yeah, yeah. You gotta go down to laundry. 769 00:48:55,360 --> 00:48:57,886 Don't forget that. And check the elastic on all the pants. 770 00:48:57,960 --> 00:48:59,769 Don't let them get you stretched-out garbage. 771 00:48:59,880 --> 00:49:02,042 Orientation starts in 10 minutes. 772 00:49:02,120 --> 00:49:04,407 At least you had a nice shower this morning, right? 773 00:49:04,480 --> 00:49:05,686 I think I saw you in there? 774 00:49:09,920 --> 00:49:13,561 I don't... I don't know. Excuse me. 775 00:49:13,640 --> 00:49:15,927 Hey! Hey, hey, don't forget, you gotta bus your tray. 776 00:49:22,600 --> 00:49:25,649 Where's she going with that tray? Can't take them out of here. 777 00:49:25,800 --> 00:49:26,926 Yeah, she'll figure it out. 778 00:49:27,120 --> 00:49:28,770 Was she really in the shower this morning? 779 00:49:50,280 --> 00:49:52,328 Maybe this is a bad time to say hi, huh?