1
00:00:58,033 --> 00:01:08,307
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
2
00:01:23,909 --> 00:01:26,786
A colleague of mine e-mailed
that to me this morning.
3
00:01:26,912 --> 00:01:30,416
Apparently it was posted
on PrisonPoon.com,
4
00:01:30,499 --> 00:01:32,585
labeled as
"Litchfield Poonanny."
5
00:01:32,792 --> 00:01:37,047
Does your colleague often
browse PrisonPoon.com?
6
00:01:37,130 --> 00:01:39,425
I would like to solve
this problem
7
00:01:39,550 --> 00:01:41,594
before the warden
finds out about it, Joe.
8
00:01:41,719 --> 00:01:43,479
Neither of us wants to
see what happens if he,
9
00:01:43,512 --> 00:01:45,847
or, God forbid, the press,
get a hold of this.
10
00:01:45,972 --> 00:01:51,853
Forgive me for questioning the no doubt
pristine reputation of Prison Poon,
11
00:01:51,937 --> 00:01:55,107
but how do we know for sure
it came out of here?
12
00:01:55,274 --> 00:01:56,858
Notice the tile?
13
00:01:57,401 --> 00:02:00,320
Either one of your inmates has a cell phone...
There's no way.
14
00:02:00,446 --> 00:02:03,073
My guys tore the bunks apart
looking for the screwdriver.
15
00:02:03,156 --> 00:02:06,452
Then it's a CO. And he's taking
beaver shots of inmates.
16
00:02:06,577 --> 00:02:07,911
So much better.
17
00:02:07,994 --> 00:02:10,956
The warden'll love that almost as
much as he loves a dick in the ass.
18
00:02:12,124 --> 00:02:14,585
Well, what the warden does
with his free time...
19
00:02:18,505 --> 00:02:21,467
I will get to the bottom
of this, ma'am.
20
00:02:21,550 --> 00:02:22,551
I hope so.
21
00:02:22,635 --> 00:02:26,263
It is so depressing dealing with
a man who makes less than 40 K.
22
00:02:26,346 --> 00:02:29,642
I was really hoping to get
you above that this year.
23
00:02:35,855 --> 00:02:37,065
Christ.
24
00:02:38,442 --> 00:02:41,069
Freckle guy in Admin
is really into Photoshop.
25
00:02:41,987 --> 00:02:43,155
Useful.
26
00:02:44,323 --> 00:02:45,658
Are you back on carbs?
27
00:02:45,783 --> 00:02:50,036
My gut's all fucked up from my cheat
day, so I'm sticking to soft foods.
28
00:02:50,579 --> 00:02:52,706
Got some Go-Gurt
in the fridge for lunch.
29
00:02:53,165 --> 00:02:55,334
Watermelon Meltdown
flavor, so...
30
00:02:57,795 --> 00:02:59,379
Fig's on the warpath.
31
00:02:59,505 --> 00:03:01,839
Might want to hide out
in your office today.
32
00:03:06,011 --> 00:03:07,680
Between
the Baptists and the addicts,
33
00:03:07,805 --> 00:03:11,475
I can't find a peaceful place to
meditate on love and acceptance,
34
00:03:11,558 --> 00:03:14,019
which my Buddhist
faith requires.
35
00:03:14,144 --> 00:03:15,187
Mr. Healy,
36
00:03:15,312 --> 00:03:18,064
we're having a real hard
time praising the Lord
37
00:03:18,190 --> 00:03:20,359
in front of all these
heathens and sinners.
38
00:03:20,484 --> 00:03:22,695
We need our chapel.
It's our God-given right.
39
00:03:22,902 --> 00:03:26,323
Hey, Mr. Healy, would you
take a look at this?
40
00:03:26,490 --> 00:03:28,283
I think it might be the flu.
41
00:03:42,047 --> 00:03:46,552
Mr. Healy, them cracker meth-head bitches
won't let us change the channel.
42
00:03:46,635 --> 00:03:50,930
And it's our turn! I can't watch
no more Toddlers and Tiaras.
43
00:03:51,557 --> 00:03:54,727
Don't you triviatize.
This shit is serious.
44
00:03:54,852 --> 00:03:57,062
I won't support the
sexuation of baby girls.
45
00:03:57,145 --> 00:03:58,897
That's some nasty shit,
46
00:03:58,980 --> 00:04:01,692
even if some of they sequin
dresses do be on point.
47
00:04:04,152 --> 00:04:06,405
You into some dirty
shit, Mr. Healy?
48
00:04:07,906 --> 00:04:11,076
Fine! You have control of the
TV schedule from now on.
49
00:04:11,326 --> 00:04:12,619
I'll get you a remote.
50
00:04:12,952 --> 00:04:14,580
Now, don't bother me
for 24 hours.
51
00:04:14,663 --> 00:04:16,582
No, no, no.
Make it 48 hours.
52
00:04:17,082 --> 00:04:18,417
Yes, sir!
53
00:04:21,336 --> 00:04:23,696
...could do it. She's
been taking tap since she was 3.
54
00:04:23,756 --> 00:04:27,426
Planet Earth 24/7, bitches!
55
00:04:29,553 --> 00:04:30,554
Uh!
56
00:04:33,973 --> 00:04:34,974
In this climate...
57
00:04:35,350 --> 00:04:37,519
Huh, is that how you wear
your hair these days?
58
00:04:37,603 --> 00:04:39,605
Oh, really, Mom?
Every time?
59
00:04:39,688 --> 00:04:40,898
Don't be mopey.
60
00:04:40,980 --> 00:04:43,442
Polly had the most darling
French braid yesterday.
61
00:04:43,525 --> 00:04:44,568
You saw Polly?
62
00:04:44,651 --> 00:04:47,153
Yes. I dropped by
with a baby present.
63
00:04:47,279 --> 00:04:49,448
She told me about your
little chicken incident.
64
00:04:49,573 --> 00:04:50,613
Is that what she called it?
65
00:04:50,657 --> 00:04:53,911
It's none of my business, but I
think you owe her an apology.
66
00:04:53,993 --> 00:04:56,121
I have been trying
to apologize!
67
00:04:56,246 --> 00:04:57,456
Keep it down, Chapman!
68
00:04:59,291 --> 00:05:00,292
Oh, my.
69
00:05:02,168 --> 00:05:05,714
I have been calling her. A lot.
But she won't answer the phone.
70
00:05:09,509 --> 00:05:12,137
I need you to be
very honest with me.
71
00:05:13,806 --> 00:05:15,014
Are you losing it in here?
72
00:05:15,140 --> 00:05:19,561
Because we're very worried about you.
There are medications.
73
00:05:19,770 --> 00:05:21,354
I am not going crazy.
74
00:05:21,480 --> 00:05:23,315
I am surrounded by crazy,
75
00:05:23,398 --> 00:05:27,235
and I am trying to climb
Everest in flip-flops,
76
00:05:27,319 --> 00:05:29,655
but I am not going crazy, okay?
77
00:05:30,196 --> 00:05:33,074
Honey, nobody would blame you.
Look at this place.
78
00:05:33,533 --> 00:05:34,992
You're incarcerated.
79
00:05:36,703 --> 00:05:40,833
God only knows the emotional toll it
must take to be in here with that woman.
80
00:05:41,708 --> 00:05:43,543
She is the least
of my problems.
81
00:05:43,669 --> 00:05:46,045
She's your entire
problem, Piper.
82
00:05:46,505 --> 00:05:49,424
You'd be home trying on wedding
dresses, growing your business,
83
00:05:49,508 --> 00:05:53,303
giving me grandchildren,
if it weren't for her.
84
00:05:53,846 --> 00:05:55,931
She stole all that from you.
85
00:05:56,013 --> 00:05:57,098
Mom.
86
00:05:57,182 --> 00:05:58,350
Yes.
87
00:05:58,475 --> 00:06:00,185
I need you to hear
what I'm gonna say.
88
00:06:00,310 --> 00:06:02,019
I need you to really hear it.
89
00:06:05,022 --> 00:06:06,775
I am in here
90
00:06:07,693 --> 00:06:11,655
because I am no different
from anybody else in here.
91
00:06:14,240 --> 00:06:15,993
I made bad choices.
92
00:06:16,910 --> 00:06:19,036
I committed a crime.
93
00:06:19,162 --> 00:06:22,207
And being in here
is no one's fault
94
00:06:23,750 --> 00:06:24,918
but my own.
95
00:06:25,961 --> 00:06:28,213
Honey, if that lawyer
had done...
96
00:06:28,296 --> 00:06:29,506
Howard.
97
00:06:32,049 --> 00:06:34,386
Larry's father's name
is Howard.
98
00:06:36,013 --> 00:06:39,766
You never would have ended up
in here if you'd gone to trial.
99
00:06:43,060 --> 00:06:46,105
Sweetheart, you're nothing
like any of these women.
100
00:06:47,064 --> 00:06:50,402
Any jury worth its salt
would have seen that.
101
00:06:51,945 --> 00:06:55,240
Darling, you were a debutante.
102
00:07:31,902 --> 00:07:33,779
Visiting hours
will be over at noon.
103
00:07:33,904 --> 00:07:37,991
You may return at 2:00 p.m. for
the afternoon and evening hour.
104
00:07:40,827 --> 00:07:42,579
You look like her.
105
00:07:43,038 --> 00:07:44,122
That's what I'm told.
106
00:07:44,247 --> 00:07:45,457
You don't think so?
107
00:07:46,165 --> 00:07:48,961
I prefer to be in denial
about the shared genetics.
108
00:07:49,544 --> 00:07:52,089
You are in denial about
a lot of things, blondie.
109
00:07:52,213 --> 00:07:54,841
I'm a WASP.
That's what we do.
110
00:07:57,176 --> 00:07:59,471
I'm working on it. Are you
waiting for somebody?
111
00:07:59,554 --> 00:08:02,891
Nah. Wouldn't want to ruin
my four-month dry spell.
112
00:08:02,975 --> 00:08:05,727
Yeah, well, after that visit,
113
00:08:05,811 --> 00:08:07,312
that's starting
to sound appealing.
114
00:08:07,604 --> 00:08:11,149
Look, don't say ungrateful
crap like that around here.
115
00:08:11,274 --> 00:08:14,235
Your mother shows up,
buys you pretzels. Poor you.
116
00:08:14,319 --> 00:08:15,946
We all have our shit, Nicky.
117
00:08:16,029 --> 00:08:19,825
Yeah, some shit stinks worse
than other shit, princess.
118
00:08:19,908 --> 00:08:21,827
You don't know
how my shit smells.
119
00:08:21,952 --> 00:08:23,120
Sure I do.
120
00:08:25,622 --> 00:08:27,833
Your shit smells like Shalimar.
121
00:08:27,958 --> 00:08:30,085
Must have rubbed off
when she hugged you goodbye.
122
00:08:30,168 --> 00:08:32,004
What a bitch.
123
00:08:48,687 --> 00:08:52,024
Nicole! It's time
to wake up.
124
00:08:54,359 --> 00:08:55,443
Mom?
125
00:08:59,572 --> 00:09:01,783
Bacterial infection
in your heart.
126
00:09:01,867 --> 00:09:04,119
Usually introduced
from a dirty needle.
127
00:09:04,202 --> 00:09:06,538
They also found traces
of cocaine in your blood,
128
00:09:06,663 --> 00:09:08,999
which is a fun
new choice for you.
129
00:09:09,374 --> 00:09:10,959
I had pneumonia.
130
00:09:11,043 --> 00:09:12,669
It must've spread or something.
131
00:09:15,547 --> 00:09:17,049
Seriously, I'm clean.
132
00:09:17,132 --> 00:09:19,759
Ironically enough, you are now.
133
00:09:19,885 --> 00:09:22,220
You had several blood
transfusions during the surgery.
134
00:09:29,895 --> 00:09:32,772
Must have been a pretty
bad case of pneumonia.
135
00:09:37,110 --> 00:09:38,945
What, you gotta call Paolo?
136
00:09:39,071 --> 00:09:41,111
Make sure he's surviving
without your tit to suck on?
137
00:09:41,198 --> 00:09:43,033
You are 26 years old.
138
00:09:43,116 --> 00:09:46,078
Isn't it time you gave up
this angry, I-hate-Mom phase?
139
00:09:46,244 --> 00:09:47,871
Holy shit!
140
00:09:48,413 --> 00:09:50,123
Oh, you're my mom!
141
00:09:50,248 --> 00:09:52,889
See, I could have sworn it was that
brown woman who made me pancakes
142
00:09:52,959 --> 00:09:54,399
and read me
Charlotte's Web at night.
143
00:09:54,460 --> 00:09:56,588
I did what was good for you.
144
00:09:56,671 --> 00:09:59,298
Living with a nanny while you lived in
a separate apartment with that prick
145
00:09:59,424 --> 00:10:02,301
who thought children carried germs?
That's for my own good?
146
00:10:02,427 --> 00:10:05,722
I think if you take a second and
look at our current situation,
147
00:10:05,805 --> 00:10:06,973
you might reconsider.
148
00:10:07,099 --> 00:10:09,893
Do you know what? Keep blaming
everyone but yourself, Nicole.
149
00:10:09,976 --> 00:10:12,437
Seems to be working out
really well for you so far.
150
00:10:12,562 --> 00:10:15,107
I always miss you
until you're here.
151
00:10:16,608 --> 00:10:20,862
Then I realize the mom I miss must've
been someone I invented when I was a kid.
152
00:10:21,863 --> 00:10:23,782
I don't know what more
you want from me.
153
00:10:24,657 --> 00:10:27,535
I want you to do things
mothers do.
154
00:10:28,286 --> 00:10:33,125
I don't know, hold me,
give me sips of water.
155
00:10:35,293 --> 00:10:36,294
Anything.
156
00:10:38,004 --> 00:10:40,132
They told me
you were gonna die.
157
00:10:41,883 --> 00:10:43,426
I'm done, okay?
158
00:10:44,677 --> 00:10:45,971
I'll stay clean.
159
00:10:56,815 --> 00:10:58,191
Hey, Ma.
Mmm-hmm?
160
00:10:58,483 --> 00:10:59,484
What that...
161
00:10:59,567 --> 00:11:01,111
Fucking slut.
162
00:11:01,194 --> 00:11:02,487
Aleida, it's not worth it.
163
00:11:02,779 --> 00:11:03,863
Aleida! Aleida!
164
00:11:03,989 --> 00:11:05,157
Fucking bitch!
165
00:11:07,533 --> 00:11:09,035
Yo, respect your mother.
166
00:11:09,161 --> 00:11:11,121
Why? She never acted
like no mom.
167
00:11:11,204 --> 00:11:13,623
You okay?
Shit.
168
00:11:20,546 --> 00:11:23,675
Baby watch, day 232.
169
00:11:23,800 --> 00:11:27,512
Painting the nursery. Mimosa
yellow, non-toxic, obvs.
170
00:11:27,679 --> 00:11:29,973
Leave a message, but it might take
me a while to get back to you,
171
00:11:30,056 --> 00:11:33,392
because, you know, I'm preparing
to bring forth new life.
172
00:11:39,232 --> 00:11:40,525
I got nothin'.
173
00:11:41,526 --> 00:11:45,362
And you have no knowledge of anyone
taking his or her cell phone
174
00:11:45,488 --> 00:11:50,202
out of his or her locker
during his or her shift?
175
00:11:50,535 --> 00:11:53,872
If I were you, I'd ask Mendez.
He looks guilty.
176
00:11:53,955 --> 00:11:55,623
It's probably the mustache.
177
00:11:55,707 --> 00:11:57,876
You ever notice
how guys with mustaches
178
00:11:58,001 --> 00:12:00,795
always look like they
just fingered a little girl?
179
00:12:02,714 --> 00:12:04,423
How about a camera?
180
00:12:05,050 --> 00:12:08,053
You see anyone with a camera?
181
00:12:14,059 --> 00:12:15,352
Nope.
182
00:12:16,269 --> 00:12:19,564
You have not observed
183
00:12:20,690 --> 00:12:23,400
or participated in any
184
00:12:24,152 --> 00:12:27,906
inappropriate activity
185
00:12:29,115 --> 00:12:32,660
or relation with an inmate?
186
00:12:34,079 --> 00:12:36,248
No, sir. It's...
187
00:12:40,668 --> 00:12:43,629
Because, in here, inappropriate
188
00:12:44,756 --> 00:12:46,341
can mean a smile
189
00:12:46,925 --> 00:12:49,094
at the wrong time, Bennett.
190
00:12:49,928 --> 00:12:55,308
These women are hungry,
if you get my meaning.
191
00:12:56,601 --> 00:12:58,061
Yes, sir.
192
00:12:58,270 --> 00:13:00,939
They want sex, is what I mean.
193
00:13:01,856 --> 00:13:03,066
Understood, sir.
194
00:13:04,067 --> 00:13:06,819
Good. We're done here.
We're done.
195
00:13:13,952 --> 00:13:15,203
Mr. Caputo?
196
00:13:16,204 --> 00:13:19,332
Come in.
Susan, have a seat.
197
00:13:20,457 --> 00:13:24,421
Congratulations on becoming a
Litchfield correctional officer.
198
00:13:24,503 --> 00:13:27,132
We really appreciate
you coming in so soon.
199
00:13:27,757 --> 00:13:29,926
CO Thompson came...
200
00:13:30,718 --> 00:13:32,511
This is confidential,
of course.
201
00:13:32,637 --> 00:13:34,139
Well, he came a little undone
202
00:13:34,264 --> 00:13:40,228
and is currently on
temporary/permanent leave.
203
00:13:40,812 --> 00:13:44,816
The inmate will have to wear
an eye patch for a few weeks.
204
00:13:45,317 --> 00:13:47,777
Well, I'll be sure to keep my
hands to myself, sir.
205
00:13:47,860 --> 00:13:50,780
Except during strip searches, I hope.
Right?
206
00:13:54,326 --> 00:14:00,332
Anyway, I just wanted to personally
make sure you're settling in okay
207
00:14:00,415 --> 00:14:07,046
and bring you up to speed
on our current crisis.
208
00:14:18,850 --> 00:14:20,018
Why'd you change the station?
209
00:14:20,185 --> 00:14:22,687
That reggaeton shit
gives me a headache.
210
00:14:22,770 --> 00:14:24,856
It's the same thing
over and over.
211
00:14:24,939 --> 00:14:26,941
How come none of these
stations play The Smiths?
212
00:14:27,025 --> 00:14:28,526
'Cause it's pussy music.
213
00:14:28,651 --> 00:14:32,238
How Soon Is Now? is,
like, an '80s anthem.
214
00:14:32,364 --> 00:14:33,865
Bitch, you were born in '92.
215
00:14:33,948 --> 00:14:36,075
So? So you don't know shit.
216
00:14:36,909 --> 00:14:40,121
The shark makes its move,
moving directly to the seal.
217
00:14:42,332 --> 00:14:43,624
Oh, fuck this!
218
00:14:43,708 --> 00:14:48,129
That's it. Ina Garten is making
brown butter cake today.
219
00:14:48,254 --> 00:14:49,922
Don't fuck with my
cooking shows. T!
220
00:14:50,048 --> 00:14:51,632
It don't matter
what you wanna watch.
221
00:14:51,716 --> 00:14:55,887
I'm president of the TV, and you
can't do nothing about it, Pussy.
222
00:14:56,054 --> 00:14:59,682
My name is Poussey.
Accent a droite, bitch.
223
00:15:00,392 --> 00:15:01,434
Accent a what?
224
00:15:01,559 --> 00:15:02,643
It's French.
225
00:15:02,727 --> 00:15:04,979
Poussey is a place in France
where my daddy served,
226
00:15:05,063 --> 00:15:06,564
and kings was born and shit.
227
00:15:06,689 --> 00:15:07,849
What the fuck you named after?
228
00:15:07,857 --> 00:15:09,317
Some bullshit cakes
with cream in the middle?
229
00:15:09,401 --> 00:15:10,902
You callin' me a Ho Ho?
230
00:15:10,985 --> 00:15:14,030
It's Hostess, you dumbass.
Man, you a fuckin' Swiss roll.
231
00:15:17,325 --> 00:15:18,701
Norma, will you go?
232
00:15:18,784 --> 00:15:20,161
What, are you blind now, too?
233
00:15:20,245 --> 00:15:22,914
If you put the "S"
on the end of "knife,"
234
00:15:22,997 --> 00:15:24,582
you can make "slut" going down.
235
00:15:24,707 --> 00:15:25,750
Fifteen points ain't bad.
236
00:15:25,833 --> 00:15:26,834
No cheating!
237
00:15:26,918 --> 00:15:28,378
Oh, I'm just helping her.
238
00:15:28,920 --> 00:15:32,090
The plural of "knife"
is "knives," genius.
239
00:15:32,924 --> 00:15:34,426
No such fucking
word as "knifes."
240
00:15:34,509 --> 00:15:35,927
Oh, no?
241
00:15:36,010 --> 00:15:39,013
Well, then what does Tony do to
Bernardo in West Side Story?
242
00:15:39,097 --> 00:15:41,849
I'll tell you what.
He knifes him.
243
00:15:41,933 --> 00:15:45,353
Well, aren't you
the plot spoiler?
244
00:15:45,437 --> 00:15:46,854
So, here's a good idea.
245
00:15:46,938 --> 00:15:48,814
Why don't you mind
your own fucking business
246
00:15:48,940 --> 00:15:52,277
and go back to planning your cute
little hetero wedding?
247
00:15:52,651 --> 00:15:55,696
Hey! Are you gonna get
your dress off of eBay?
248
00:15:55,780 --> 00:15:59,033
I sure hope nobody scams you.
That'd be fucking ironic.
249
00:16:00,701 --> 00:16:03,371
Don't you dare!
250
00:16:03,455 --> 00:16:04,975
You are way too fucking
short for that!
251
00:16:05,039 --> 00:16:07,500
Sit down, Boo! I am serious!
252
00:16:08,293 --> 00:16:09,627
Hey.
253
00:16:09,710 --> 00:16:10,795
Hey!
254
00:16:12,464 --> 00:16:17,469
You ladies need to start
acting like ladies.
255
00:16:19,011 --> 00:16:20,251
Now, what's the
problem in here?
256
00:16:24,476 --> 00:16:25,810
Ladies!
257
00:16:26,603 --> 00:16:27,979
Ladies!
258
00:16:30,273 --> 00:16:32,817
I'm gonna bring back
the Women's Advisory Council.
259
00:16:32,900 --> 00:16:35,278
The first election
will be held this Saturday.
260
00:16:35,361 --> 00:16:38,156
In the meantime,
don't bother me
261
00:16:38,406 --> 00:16:39,824
and simmer down,
262
00:16:40,866 --> 00:16:41,993
okay?
263
00:16:42,076 --> 00:16:43,953
All kitchen
inmate duties...
264
00:16:44,203 --> 00:16:45,330
Thank you.
265
00:16:47,832 --> 00:16:51,043
Oh, it's on. Who's gonna
be duchess of WAC?
266
00:16:51,169 --> 00:16:52,504
Taystee!
267
00:16:52,587 --> 00:16:54,839
♪ Taystee ♪
268
00:17:00,761 --> 00:17:05,183
So, I'm thinking campaign
buttons instead of posters,
269
00:17:05,266 --> 00:17:08,186
'cause everyone
will be doing posters.
270
00:17:08,269 --> 00:17:12,023
We can stick 'em on with tape. What
do you think about yellow and pink?
271
00:17:12,148 --> 00:17:13,149
They're my wedding colors.
272
00:17:13,232 --> 00:17:15,443
It's just a real
pretty combination.
273
00:17:15,527 --> 00:17:18,863
But I don't wanna tell Christopher,
'cause I don't want him to get jealous.
274
00:17:18,946 --> 00:17:21,366
'Course not. You wouldn't want him
to think you liked pink in prison,
275
00:17:21,449 --> 00:17:22,450
right, Morello?
276
00:17:23,784 --> 00:17:25,864
Still can't believe you're
running for this lame shit.
277
00:17:25,870 --> 00:17:27,288
Red told me to.
I'm her pick.
278
00:17:27,372 --> 00:17:28,956
You want me to say no to her?
279
00:17:29,415 --> 00:17:30,875
She picked you?
280
00:17:30,958 --> 00:17:32,918
Yeah. You got
a problem with that?
281
00:17:33,044 --> 00:17:35,484
I just think it would have been
smarter for her to pick a dyke.
282
00:17:35,505 --> 00:17:36,922
A real dyke.
283
00:17:37,048 --> 00:17:40,343
Yeah, Nicky. Last time I
checked, Lorna was pretty gay.
284
00:17:40,426 --> 00:17:42,387
Gay for you,
as a matter of fact.
285
00:17:42,470 --> 00:17:45,056
Oh, you didn't hear?
We're done.
286
00:17:45,181 --> 00:17:47,725
Well, she's gotta start working
on tightening her pussy muscles,
287
00:17:47,850 --> 00:17:50,936
'cause her fiance's dick is so small,
it's like a hot dog in a hallway, so...
288
00:17:51,062 --> 00:17:52,063
Wow.
289
00:17:52,146 --> 00:17:54,691
All right, ladies! Taystee! Taystee!
What's happening?
290
00:17:54,773 --> 00:17:57,193
So, who are you running
against besides Taystee?
291
00:17:57,276 --> 00:18:00,321
She don't count. Black ladies just
run against the other black ladies.
292
00:18:00,405 --> 00:18:02,198
My competition is Pennsatucky.
293
00:18:02,281 --> 00:18:05,535
But it don't matter, because Red's gonna
make all the white girls vote for me.
294
00:18:05,618 --> 00:18:08,204
So, you only run against
white people. Hmm.
295
00:18:08,287 --> 00:18:10,415
You can only vote within
your race or your group.
296
00:18:10,540 --> 00:18:11,708
Look, just pretend
it's the 1950s.
297
00:18:11,790 --> 00:18:12,917
It makes it easier
to understand.
298
00:18:13,042 --> 00:18:16,546
See, everyone elects a
representative from their own tribe.
299
00:18:16,629 --> 00:18:22,260
White, black, Hispanic,
golden girls, others.
300
00:18:22,385 --> 00:18:24,929
And those five gals,
they meet with Healy,
301
00:18:25,012 --> 00:18:26,389
they tell him what we want,
302
00:18:26,472 --> 00:18:29,767
then he speaks to the higher-ups.
It's like student council.
303
00:18:29,892 --> 00:18:32,103
But how is that
an effective system?
304
00:18:32,228 --> 00:18:34,397
Not every Hispanic person
wants the same thing.
305
00:18:34,480 --> 00:18:37,191
Oh, sure they do. They all
want to come to America.
306
00:18:37,275 --> 00:18:39,944
Jesus, your entire world view is
based on West Side Story, isn't it?
307
00:18:40,027 --> 00:18:42,905
Can we get back to Lorna being racist?
Just more of that, please.
308
00:18:43,322 --> 00:18:45,575
But...
Okay, fine.
309
00:18:45,658 --> 00:18:48,411
See, I know because my
neighborhood is near them.
310
00:18:48,494 --> 00:18:51,080
They live, like, 20
people to one apartment.
311
00:18:51,163 --> 00:18:52,457
They have more kids
than even the Irish.
312
00:18:52,582 --> 00:18:54,709
The men like their women
with big titties, big asses.
313
00:18:54,792 --> 00:18:56,912
They're dirty, they're greasy,
their food smells nasty
314
00:18:56,961 --> 00:18:58,755
and they're taking
all our jobs.
315
00:18:58,837 --> 00:19:02,216
If y'all want a man representing
you, be my fucking guest.
316
00:19:02,300 --> 00:19:05,177
That bitch got a plastic
pussy or some shit.
317
00:19:05,303 --> 00:19:07,012
You wanna see it?
318
00:19:07,138 --> 00:19:09,599
Please! You flash that shit
like it's made out of diamonds.
319
00:19:09,682 --> 00:19:12,122
I done seen it about 10 times already today.
320
00:19:12,143 --> 00:19:15,313
Listen, honey, I know all you care about
is what you get to watch on the TV,
321
00:19:15,438 --> 00:19:16,731
but me and my
diamond kitty here
322
00:19:16,814 --> 00:19:19,776
wanna prioritize things
around this place,
323
00:19:19,858 --> 00:19:22,111
like health care,
basic human rights...
324
00:19:22,194 --> 00:19:24,739
You ain't never gonna
change that shit.
325
00:19:24,822 --> 00:19:27,241
You think
this white people politics?
326
00:19:27,908 --> 00:19:30,662
Let's talk about
health care, Mackenzie.
327
00:19:30,745 --> 00:19:33,498
Oh, Amanda, I'd rather not.
It's not polite.
328
00:19:33,581 --> 00:19:35,541
Well, did you see that
wonderful new documentary
329
00:19:35,667 --> 00:19:37,251
about the best sushi
in the world?
330
00:19:37,335 --> 00:19:41,130
Of course, now that I'm vegan, I didn't
enjoy it as much as I might have before.
331
00:19:41,213 --> 00:19:43,174
You know, I just
don't have the time.
332
00:19:43,299 --> 00:19:47,178
Chad and I have our yoga workshop,
then wine tasting class.
333
00:19:47,261 --> 00:19:52,016
And then we have to have really
quiet sex every night at 9:00.
334
00:19:52,099 --> 00:19:55,353
But did you hear that piece
on NPR about hedge funds?
335
00:19:55,436 --> 00:19:59,357
Amanda, let me ask you, what do you
think about my bangs these days?
336
00:19:59,440 --> 00:20:00,566
I mean, do you
like 'em straight down,
337
00:20:00,692 --> 00:20:02,694
or should I be doing more
of a sweep to the side?
338
00:20:02,777 --> 00:20:04,195
Sweep to the side.
339
00:20:06,155 --> 00:20:07,281
Yo, you gotta...
340
00:20:07,365 --> 00:20:10,535
If you want more pizza,
vote for Maritza.
341
00:20:10,660 --> 00:20:12,119
That shit is horrible.
342
00:20:12,620 --> 00:20:15,665
I like pizza.
Everyone likes pizza.
343
00:20:15,748 --> 00:20:16,915
What? It's
American and shit.
344
00:20:17,041 --> 00:20:18,793
It's Italian,
you fucking idiot.
345
00:20:18,876 --> 00:20:20,211
What, you got something better?
346
00:20:20,294 --> 00:20:22,213
Yeah. I'm gonna run.
347
00:20:22,338 --> 00:20:25,383
Oh, shit. It's on.
Wow, fancy!
348
00:20:25,508 --> 00:20:28,803
What, "Vote for Flaca,
puta's full of caca"?
349
00:20:28,886 --> 00:20:31,389
All right!
Okay!
350
00:20:33,265 --> 00:20:35,393
Shit. It don't matter
who wins, all right?
351
00:20:35,476 --> 00:20:37,186
Just as long
as you handle our shit.
352
00:20:37,895 --> 00:20:40,523
Please. I can out-shout
any of these bitches.
353
00:20:40,606 --> 00:20:41,899
Are you sure?
354
00:20:41,982 --> 00:20:43,359
Oh!
355
00:20:43,735 --> 00:20:45,986
All of you who think we don't have
any sisters, we're black people...
356
00:20:46,070 --> 00:20:47,905
Did you know they can't float?
357
00:20:47,988 --> 00:20:49,198
What the hell
are you talking about?
358
00:20:49,281 --> 00:20:50,282
It's true!
359
00:20:50,408 --> 00:20:52,076
Like in the swimming
pool and shit.
360
00:20:52,201 --> 00:20:54,245
Their bone density
ain't right for it.
361
00:20:55,830 --> 00:20:57,623
Yo, my uncle told me.
362
00:20:58,666 --> 00:21:00,835
Yo, that shit is
crazy, Flaca-ca.
363
00:21:01,377 --> 00:21:02,837
They're smelly,
stupid and lazy,
364
00:21:02,920 --> 00:21:04,589
but they ain't got
different bones.
365
00:21:04,714 --> 00:21:08,300
Except in their pants. Yo, let
me tell you, them black boys,
366
00:21:08,426 --> 00:21:12,054
they got some serious trouser meat.
Like, whoa!
367
00:21:20,062 --> 00:21:21,522
That's enough!
368
00:21:21,606 --> 00:21:25,276
Quiet down!
Hey! Quiet down!
369
00:21:25,359 --> 00:21:28,613
You are in violation
of the Litchfield...
370
00:21:28,738 --> 00:21:29,906
Shut up!
371
00:21:43,294 --> 00:21:45,379
Well, don't be an observer.
Grab a rag.
372
00:21:51,803 --> 00:21:53,178
What's up, Nicky?
373
00:21:53,304 --> 00:21:55,097
This rag smells like mildew.
374
00:21:55,973 --> 00:21:58,851
It means your counter
is gonna smell like mildew.
375
00:21:58,976 --> 00:22:00,311
That's gross.
376
00:22:00,436 --> 00:22:01,938
You need to wash
your rags, Red.
377
00:22:03,481 --> 00:22:04,857
Nicky...
378
00:22:08,986 --> 00:22:11,322
Why'd you choose Lorna
to run for WAC and not me?
379
00:22:11,405 --> 00:22:13,616
You're questioning
my decisions?
380
00:22:13,699 --> 00:22:17,286
Only in the most respectful way you
could possibly imagine. I just...
381
00:22:18,621 --> 00:22:20,164
I thought I was
like your Spock.
382
00:22:20,289 --> 00:22:21,749
My what?
383
00:22:21,833 --> 00:22:26,128
You know, your right hand.
Your girl Friday. Your V.P.
384
00:22:26,754 --> 00:22:29,507
Lorna is pretty
and unthreatening.
385
00:22:29,632 --> 00:22:32,718
I like her lipstick
and she listens.
386
00:22:32,844 --> 00:22:35,346
The last thing you need
is a public forum.
387
00:22:35,429 --> 00:22:37,348
You're already too mouthy
for your own good.
388
00:22:37,473 --> 00:22:38,599
Yeah, but...
389
00:22:38,683 --> 00:22:41,393
Don't confuse being my
daughter with getting a vote.
390
00:22:41,519 --> 00:22:43,479
This isn't a democracy,
sweetheart.
391
00:22:53,029 --> 00:22:55,240
You need something?
392
00:23:12,299 --> 00:23:13,509
Oh, gosh!
393
00:23:13,592 --> 00:23:17,722
This prize sure beats the heck
out of a decoder ring.
394
00:23:17,805 --> 00:23:19,348
What can I say?
395
00:23:20,265 --> 00:23:23,895
The girls are very concerned
about their oral hygiene.
396
00:23:30,401 --> 00:23:32,319
You bringing in
cell phones, too?
397
00:23:32,403 --> 00:23:34,321
Absolutely not.
398
00:23:34,405 --> 00:23:38,993
So you're not taking dirty pictures of
your hairy pussy to send to your husband?
399
00:23:40,036 --> 00:23:42,204
Do the curtains
match the drapes?
400
00:23:42,914 --> 00:23:45,917
You got some purple
wispies down there?
401
00:23:47,251 --> 00:23:50,504
What are you talking about?
402
00:23:54,466 --> 00:23:56,594
Someone smuggled in a phone.
403
00:23:57,261 --> 00:24:00,514
And now it's getting
in the way of my business.
404
00:24:02,474 --> 00:24:04,769
I don't like competition,
sweet cheeks.
405
00:24:13,069 --> 00:24:15,571
Cell block D,
prepare for inspection.
406
00:24:34,548 --> 00:24:36,467
Visiting hours
are now over...
407
00:24:41,472 --> 00:24:46,435
Caputo grilled me about inappropriate
relationships for five hours today.
408
00:24:46,518 --> 00:24:49,855
It wasn't really five hours,
but it felt that way.
409
00:24:49,981 --> 00:24:52,650
You know, this is
inappropriate.
410
00:24:52,775 --> 00:24:54,150
What you and me are doing.
411
00:24:54,276 --> 00:24:55,820
It's gonna be fine, baby.
412
00:24:55,945 --> 00:24:57,863
I think we have different
definitions of fine.
413
00:24:57,989 --> 00:25:02,158
I'm about to lose my job,
and your mom was naked.
414
00:25:02,242 --> 00:25:04,536
Like, really, really
naked. All of it.
415
00:25:04,662 --> 00:25:08,206
I saw her boobs.
416
00:25:08,332 --> 00:25:10,208
But you didn't do
nothing, right?
417
00:25:10,835 --> 00:25:11,877
What?
418
00:25:13,712 --> 00:25:14,964
You didn't fuck her?
419
00:25:15,047 --> 00:25:16,590
Why would I...
420
00:25:16,674 --> 00:25:20,344
I don't want your mom,
Daya. I want you.
421
00:25:43,492 --> 00:25:44,827
No...
Let me.
422
00:25:44,910 --> 00:25:46,411
Please, don't.
423
00:25:47,412 --> 00:25:49,540
I wanna feel all of you.
424
00:26:25,241 --> 00:26:26,368
Oh, come on in, Chapman.
425
00:26:28,328 --> 00:26:29,454
Please close the door.
426
00:26:47,431 --> 00:26:49,558
What? Do you...
427
00:26:49,767 --> 00:26:50,893
Hold up the red one.
428
00:26:58,274 --> 00:27:00,152
Okay, now the blue.
429
00:27:00,778 --> 00:27:02,113
Mail call
in 15 minutes.
430
00:27:03,155 --> 00:27:05,783
Cart will be making
the rounds in 15 minutes.
431
00:27:07,283 --> 00:27:08,284
Mr. Healy...
432
00:27:08,368 --> 00:27:11,538
It's for my wife.
It's our anniversary tomorrow.
433
00:27:11,622 --> 00:27:14,917
I think the blue
is better. Thanks.
434
00:27:16,961 --> 00:27:18,378
Have a seat, Chapman.
435
00:27:23,634 --> 00:27:26,553
Chapman, we understand
each other, don't we?
436
00:27:28,139 --> 00:27:29,514
I think so.
437
00:27:29,848 --> 00:27:30,933
I mean, I agree.
438
00:27:31,016 --> 00:27:32,893
I think the two of us
working together,
439
00:27:33,644 --> 00:27:35,520
we could really turn
some things around.
440
00:27:35,646 --> 00:27:38,065
Or at the very least, make
things a little quieter.
441
00:27:44,362 --> 00:27:45,781
You want me to run for WAC.
442
00:27:46,657 --> 00:27:49,660
We don't get ladies as bright
as yourself in here often.
443
00:27:49,743 --> 00:27:53,329
Thank you, Mr. Healy. I appreciate that.
I really do.
444
00:27:53,413 --> 00:27:57,168
But I'm trying this new thing where
I stay out of the spotlight.
445
00:27:57,293 --> 00:27:59,628
I feel... I think that
it's a better bet for me.
446
00:27:59,711 --> 00:28:03,966
I'm giving you a chance to
make your time count, Chapman.
447
00:28:04,382 --> 00:28:09,221
Thank you. But I need
to politely decline.
448
00:28:09,345 --> 00:28:13,100
Well, I'm disappointed.
449
00:28:13,184 --> 00:28:16,061
It's certainly not like I can
force you to run anyway, right?
450
00:28:18,981 --> 00:28:21,357
We're not Cosmo, Larry.
451
00:28:21,483 --> 00:28:23,777
We don't do pieces on
having better orgasms.
452
00:28:23,861 --> 00:28:28,157
And, truthfully, "edging" sounds like
a recipe for blue balls. It's just...
453
00:28:28,573 --> 00:28:29,867
It is gross.
454
00:28:29,950 --> 00:28:32,452
Look, what if I change
the angle? Maybe...
455
00:28:32,536 --> 00:28:35,497
What's the deal with your wife?
Is she really in prison?
456
00:28:37,208 --> 00:28:39,710
My fiancee. She is.
It sucks.
457
00:28:39,835 --> 00:28:43,547
Look, um, I really think
if I made some changes...
458
00:28:43,672 --> 00:28:45,712
Christ, Bloom. No one wants
to learn how not to come.
459
00:28:45,757 --> 00:28:47,134
Coming is the whole
goddamn point.
460
00:28:47,218 --> 00:28:48,385
Listen, I've got to
get to this meeting.
461
00:28:48,468 --> 00:28:51,680
But this is a good story, okay?
Come on, Tim.
462
00:28:52,890 --> 00:28:56,601
I need this. Just give me something, huh?
An assignment.
463
00:28:57,435 --> 00:28:58,603
You want an
assignment? Fine.
464
00:28:58,729 --> 00:29:00,605
Here's your assignment,
"My wife is in prison."
465
00:29:00,731 --> 00:29:01,857
Fiancee.
466
00:29:01,940 --> 00:29:04,735
She takes naked showers
with bad, busty women,
467
00:29:04,818 --> 00:29:07,321
and I'm home alone thinking
about it, trying not to come.
468
00:29:07,404 --> 00:29:09,406
That's a story for us.
Knock yourself out.
469
00:29:13,369 --> 00:29:16,454
It's too far!
A little to the right.
470
00:29:16,914 --> 00:29:19,250
Ain't we learned our lesson
about hanging crosses, Tucky?
471
00:29:19,375 --> 00:29:22,378
Ain't we learned our lesson
about mouthing off? Get...
472
00:29:22,460 --> 00:29:23,754
Sorry.
473
00:29:25,589 --> 00:29:26,757
You keep this up,
474
00:29:26,882 --> 00:29:29,051
and God's gonna start
questioning your devotion.
475
00:29:29,134 --> 00:29:30,344
He told me.
476
00:29:34,514 --> 00:29:37,684
"Died for your sins."
Who's gonna win?
477
00:29:37,768 --> 00:29:39,270
Tiffany.
478
00:29:40,938 --> 00:29:42,856
Man, those little white
midgets are sad,
479
00:29:42,940 --> 00:29:44,275
but them bitches
know how to win!
480
00:29:44,358 --> 00:29:47,278
Look at you,
all power hungry and shit.
481
00:29:47,361 --> 00:29:49,821
Where are your morals,
Candidate Jefferson?
482
00:29:49,947 --> 00:29:51,198
Well, Mackenzie...
483
00:29:59,456 --> 00:30:01,041
This fucking election.
484
00:30:01,125 --> 00:30:03,085
Like this place needs to be
any more like high school!
485
00:30:03,168 --> 00:30:05,754
My God, I'm drowning
in vowels over here.
486
00:30:12,136 --> 00:30:13,345
This the campaign strategy?
487
00:30:13,470 --> 00:30:16,307
No, it's more like
a life strategy.
488
00:30:16,432 --> 00:30:17,975
Everyone likes to get fed.
489
00:30:18,058 --> 00:30:21,061
Come on. Come on! Come on.
That's gross.
490
00:30:22,854 --> 00:30:25,316
Come on!
It's delicious!
491
00:30:26,775 --> 00:30:28,152
Speaking of high school...
492
00:30:28,235 --> 00:30:29,903
I feel like such an asshole.
493
00:30:29,987 --> 00:30:31,571
Why won't she even look at me?
494
00:30:31,655 --> 00:30:34,741
'Cause you were an asshole.
Everyone has their limits.
495
00:30:34,992 --> 00:30:37,911
Okay, 32, 33...
496
00:30:37,995 --> 00:30:39,371
Whoa.
Thirty-four points!
497
00:30:39,496 --> 00:30:41,165
Bam!
498
00:30:42,082 --> 00:30:45,252
Look, you know her better than
I do, but in my experience,
499
00:30:45,336 --> 00:30:47,004
she can smell bullshit
like a shark smells blood.
500
00:30:47,129 --> 00:30:49,173
Just cut out the needy puppy
act and be straight with her.
501
00:30:49,298 --> 00:30:50,966
Say you're sorry
for being a dick.
502
00:30:51,549 --> 00:30:55,637
What about, like, a snappy kind of slogan?
Something with rhymes in it?
503
00:30:56,472 --> 00:30:59,808
What about, "Vote for Morello because
she's not yellow, she's white"?
504
00:31:09,693 --> 00:31:11,528
Mmm! Oh, that's good.
505
00:31:12,863 --> 00:31:13,864
It's a party!
506
00:31:13,989 --> 00:31:16,825
I feel like I'm playing house.
507
00:31:17,034 --> 00:31:19,703
You wanna
play doctor instead?
508
00:31:19,828 --> 00:31:21,246
This place
is insane.
509
00:31:22,206 --> 00:31:23,915
Cheers.
Cheers.
510
00:31:24,041 --> 00:31:26,043
Great to meet you, Holly.
511
00:31:27,878 --> 00:31:29,880
It's Polly, actually.
512
00:31:30,755 --> 00:31:33,550
Right. Polly Hobbie.
513
00:31:41,392 --> 00:31:44,936
Would you excuse me for a minute?
I have to go play hostess.
514
00:31:48,357 --> 00:31:49,733
She's better in smaller groups.
515
00:31:49,816 --> 00:31:51,193
Think she'll remember
my name then?
516
00:31:51,276 --> 00:31:53,611
Are you being pissy
because I'm seeing a woman?
517
00:31:53,737 --> 00:31:56,031
I'm pissy because
you're seeing an asshole.
518
00:31:56,114 --> 00:31:58,742
I think you're overreacting
a little bit, Molly.
519
00:31:59,868 --> 00:32:01,245
There's a weird energy in here.
520
00:32:01,370 --> 00:32:03,914
Not to mention she's loaded
and she's, what, like, 30?
521
00:32:04,039 --> 00:32:05,165
Trust fund?
522
00:32:05,249 --> 00:32:07,209
No, she imports things.
523
00:32:07,292 --> 00:32:11,255
I can't believe you're giving me shit for this.
You dated your teacher.
524
00:32:11,338 --> 00:32:12,923
Adjunct professor.
525
00:32:13,424 --> 00:32:17,886
I really like her.
526
00:32:18,762 --> 00:32:20,472
Do you like her or her things?
527
00:32:20,556 --> 00:32:22,766
Oh, I get it. You're
feeling threatened.
528
00:32:22,891 --> 00:32:25,477
Oh, Jesus. Fuck off. I'm
just looking out for you.
529
00:32:25,602 --> 00:32:28,313
Well, don't. I'm happy.
530
00:32:28,439 --> 00:32:31,525
Well, then don't expect me to be
there when you're not happy anymore.
531
00:32:31,608 --> 00:32:35,946
Okay, I won't expect that. But you will be.
Because you love me.
532
00:32:36,029 --> 00:32:38,240
Of course I do,
you stupid lesbian.
533
00:32:38,323 --> 00:32:39,741
You spoiled bitch.
534
00:32:41,659 --> 00:32:44,246
I came seven times
last night.
535
00:32:44,329 --> 00:32:46,457
Well, that's just excessive.
536
00:32:51,462 --> 00:32:52,629
Beautiful.
537
00:32:53,046 --> 00:32:54,214
Thank you.
538
00:32:55,299 --> 00:32:56,633
You're doing well.
539
00:32:57,468 --> 00:32:58,843
I am.
540
00:33:06,643 --> 00:33:08,479
We'd like to increase
your output.
541
00:33:08,562 --> 00:33:10,981
I'm always curious about who "we" is.
542
00:33:11,982 --> 00:33:15,152
Is that like when "they" say that
faux fur vests are in this season?
543
00:33:15,235 --> 00:33:16,445
You know what I mean?
544
00:33:16,528 --> 00:33:18,322
No, I don't know what you mean.
545
00:33:22,200 --> 00:33:23,243
How much?
546
00:33:23,327 --> 00:33:25,703
One hundred thousand a month.
547
00:33:25,829 --> 00:33:27,998
Oh, Jesus.
548
00:33:28,123 --> 00:33:31,042
What can I say?
We're back in vogue.
549
00:33:32,336 --> 00:33:34,212
Give the people what they want.
550
00:33:34,754 --> 00:33:38,425
Well, I'm gonna need a few more kids
and more cash upfront for treats.
551
00:33:38,550 --> 00:33:41,512
Whatever you need, as always.
552
00:33:42,137 --> 00:33:44,348
Kubra will be happy to hear.
553
00:33:45,432 --> 00:33:48,143
We value your role
in this organization.
554
00:33:48,519 --> 00:33:51,313
Great. Glad
I'm not expendable.
555
00:33:57,027 --> 00:33:59,154
We'll give you a call in a few
days to arrange the next drop.
556
00:33:59,237 --> 00:34:02,199
Can't wait. Cheers.
557
00:34:12,750 --> 00:34:14,211
That's a hell of a scar.
558
00:34:15,879 --> 00:34:17,339
Pervert.
559
00:34:19,132 --> 00:34:20,300
I like your tits, too.
560
00:34:23,053 --> 00:34:24,262
Baboon heart?
561
00:34:24,388 --> 00:34:26,723
Bacterial infection.
Hmm.
562
00:34:27,891 --> 00:34:28,975
Endocarditis.
563
00:34:29,059 --> 00:34:32,103
What? Drug pusher/
heart surgeon?
564
00:34:32,229 --> 00:34:34,565
Just the former.
565
00:34:34,648 --> 00:34:37,401
It was pretty common
among our top customers.
566
00:34:39,695 --> 00:34:40,904
You miss it?
567
00:34:40,987 --> 00:34:43,657
Holy shit. So much.
568
00:34:43,740 --> 00:34:47,536
More than good coffee, more
than sleeping in the dark,
569
00:34:47,619 --> 00:34:48,912
more than wearing skirts.
570
00:34:49,037 --> 00:34:50,080
You wore skirts?
571
00:34:50,747 --> 00:34:52,457
Yeah. I loved
a good skirt.
572
00:34:55,793 --> 00:34:56,920
You?
573
00:34:57,629 --> 00:34:59,047
I don't miss smack.
574
00:35:00,006 --> 00:35:02,217
I was such a lousy
junkie.
575
00:35:02,300 --> 00:35:04,177
Never fully committed.
576
00:35:05,178 --> 00:35:06,638
But the business...
577
00:35:07,264 --> 00:35:09,099
Man, that I miss.
578
00:35:09,182 --> 00:35:11,935
The adrenaline, the power.
579
00:35:15,230 --> 00:35:18,024
Yeah, I miss cooking it. Which
makes me an idiot, right?
580
00:35:19,067 --> 00:35:21,612
I'd let it bubble, even though
you waste it when you do that.
581
00:35:21,695 --> 00:35:24,906
I just loved the chemistry,
you know? The routine.
582
00:35:25,449 --> 00:35:27,492
I am a sucker for ritual.
583
00:35:27,951 --> 00:35:31,871
Look at us, Nichols. Same
coin, different sides.
584
00:35:32,247 --> 00:35:34,249
Supply and demand,
motherfucker.
585
00:35:58,982 --> 00:36:00,024
Hey, Alex.
586
00:36:10,702 --> 00:36:13,955
An inmate from Litchfield Federal
Prison is attempting to contact you.
587
00:36:14,038 --> 00:36:16,500
To accept the call,
please press one.
588
00:36:18,209 --> 00:36:21,254
Fine. You caught me
on a hormonal upswing.
589
00:36:21,338 --> 00:36:24,341
Plus I need a distraction
'cause I'm in the stirrups.
590
00:36:24,466 --> 00:36:25,967
Am I a good friend or what?
591
00:36:26,050 --> 00:36:29,262
You are. You're the best friend.
You are the best friend.
592
00:36:29,346 --> 00:36:31,348
You're my best friend.
593
00:36:31,473 --> 00:36:32,474
Oh!
594
00:36:33,016 --> 00:36:35,769
I'm so sorry, Pol.
The chicken...
595
00:36:35,852 --> 00:36:39,022
How about we don't talk about
the chicken, like, ever again?
596
00:36:39,105 --> 00:36:43,610
It's so weird in here, Polly. I
wish I could explain it to you.
597
00:36:43,694 --> 00:36:46,404
Well, I have an asshole alien
growing inside me
598
00:36:46,530 --> 00:36:49,574
and I'm waiting for a strange man
to put his hand up my vagina,
599
00:36:49,700 --> 00:36:53,036
which I'm pretty sure
I prefer to my husband's.
600
00:36:53,119 --> 00:36:54,830
We could have a weird-off.
601
00:36:54,912 --> 00:36:56,956
God, I miss you so much.
602
00:36:57,541 --> 00:36:59,042
I miss you, too, Pipe.
603
00:37:00,502 --> 00:37:03,839
So, Barney's.
604
00:37:03,921 --> 00:37:05,465
Nope. You've
forfeited your right
605
00:37:05,549 --> 00:37:07,069
to talk about the
business for a while.
606
00:37:07,091 --> 00:37:08,760
I'll take care of it
from here on out.
607
00:37:08,885 --> 00:37:11,429
You're kidding me? So you're not
gonna tell me what's going on?
608
00:37:11,555 --> 00:37:14,808
This is really important to me, Pol.
We really need the money and...
609
00:37:14,891 --> 00:37:17,644
Babe, I know.
I'll take care of it.
610
00:37:17,728 --> 00:37:21,898
Jesus, you're a felon,
I'm fat and miserable.
611
00:37:22,023 --> 00:37:25,068
Who gives a fuck about soap right now?
It'll all be fine.
612
00:37:26,319 --> 00:37:27,445
Will it?
613
00:37:27,571 --> 00:37:31,449
I have no fucking clue. Seemed
like the right thing to say.
614
00:37:32,242 --> 00:37:34,703
How are things with
you and super-cunt?
615
00:37:34,786 --> 00:37:37,748
Fine. Sort of.
616
00:37:40,709 --> 00:37:45,338
I don't know. I feel like I need
to tell her that I'm sorry.
617
00:37:45,422 --> 00:37:49,926
I feel like I need to tell
everyone that I'm sorry.
618
00:37:50,761 --> 00:37:53,971
Piper Chapman,
The Apology Tour.
619
00:37:54,097 --> 00:37:55,390
You care about her?
620
00:37:55,473 --> 00:37:57,934
I mean, no. I just
think that it would...
621
00:37:58,017 --> 00:37:59,378
Since we're stuck
in here together,
622
00:37:59,436 --> 00:38:00,937
it would be easier
if we were friends.
623
00:38:01,062 --> 00:38:03,899
If super-cunt replaces me as
your best friend, so help me.
624
00:38:03,981 --> 00:38:05,525
Oh, never.
625
00:38:05,609 --> 00:38:08,194
Hey, if your mom's been telling me
to rub cocoa butter on my tutu,
626
00:38:08,278 --> 00:38:09,613
what the fuck does she mean?
627
00:38:09,696 --> 00:38:11,740
Oh, Jesus. Oh...
628
00:38:11,823 --> 00:38:14,117
She used to call it that
when I was little.
629
00:38:14,284 --> 00:38:15,452
A tutu?
630
00:38:15,827 --> 00:38:17,036
You heard that one before?
631
00:38:19,623 --> 00:38:20,791
My gynie loves it.
632
00:38:22,250 --> 00:38:23,794
And I love you.
633
00:38:26,797 --> 00:38:28,172
I love you.
634
00:38:31,676 --> 00:38:33,303
So you're done being mad at me?
635
00:38:33,428 --> 00:38:38,266
Yes. Now I've got to get probed. Have
a nice rest of your day in prison.
636
00:38:38,349 --> 00:38:40,630
Have a nice time getting your tutu probed.
637
00:39:01,832 --> 00:39:04,668
Don't be yellow,
vote for Morello.
638
00:39:04,793 --> 00:39:07,337
My friends,
we may be incarcerated,
639
00:39:07,420 --> 00:39:11,090
but that does not mean we're
not entitled to fair treatment
640
00:39:11,174 --> 00:39:14,719
and access to
comprehensive medical care.
641
00:39:14,845 --> 00:39:16,179
Tuesdays, pizza?
642
00:39:16,304 --> 00:39:19,349
Fuck pizza, we're gonna
have Tuesday tacos.
643
00:39:19,432 --> 00:39:22,602
Tacos, burritos, hot salsa and everything!
This is stupid!
644
00:39:22,686 --> 00:39:25,480
Hi, ladies... I take care of business.
I know what's up, all right?
645
00:39:25,563 --> 00:39:26,963
...most of y'all
know me as Tiffany.
646
00:39:26,982 --> 00:39:29,943
Only a few, Pennsatucky. We're
gonna leave it that way.
647
00:39:30,026 --> 00:39:33,279
I hope each and every one of
you will allow me to lead you,
648
00:39:33,363 --> 00:39:36,700
in addition to letting me do your
weave at a discount!
649
00:39:36,783 --> 00:39:38,869
You all listen to me.
I know what's up, all right?
650
00:39:38,952 --> 00:39:40,553
Come on, let's hear it up
for the Latino!
651
00:39:43,206 --> 00:39:46,459
As lady president, I'll
demand waterbeds for everybody.
652
00:39:46,543 --> 00:39:50,547
We'll be dreamin' like Beyonce on
a yacht every night up in here.
653
00:39:50,630 --> 00:39:53,257
Comprehensive that, bitches!
654
00:39:55,593 --> 00:39:57,053
Yo. You got my shit?
655
00:40:00,015 --> 00:40:01,224
It's comin'.
656
00:40:02,726 --> 00:40:05,937
My cousin paid you for that shit.
Ain't it supposed to come in today?
657
00:40:06,813 --> 00:40:08,147
Listen, powder.
658
00:40:08,857 --> 00:40:11,442
If you speak to me again,
I will fucking crush you.
659
00:40:12,736 --> 00:40:15,613
It's coming. Chill out.
660
00:40:22,412 --> 00:40:24,664
Well, this is a surprise.
661
00:40:24,748 --> 00:40:26,668
Best entertainment you could
hope for around here.
662
00:40:26,750 --> 00:40:28,752
Friday night, we're
gonna have salsa night, okay?
663
00:40:28,877 --> 00:40:30,795
I can't live without
my conga, okay?
664
00:40:30,921 --> 00:40:34,090
As y'all know, I am a
follower of Jesus Christ,
665
00:40:34,173 --> 00:40:35,508
my Lord and my Savior.
666
00:40:37,761 --> 00:40:43,182
And he wants us to spread his word.
With force, if necessary.
667
00:40:43,266 --> 00:40:46,811
You know, I'm surprised the Admin
is actually letting this happen.
668
00:40:46,937 --> 00:40:49,689
Those boys have
awfully short memories.
669
00:40:51,649 --> 00:40:54,945
White girl who won
last time got slocked
670
00:40:55,028 --> 00:41:00,575
when she asked the commissary to stock unsalted
potato chips instead of salt and vinegar.
671
00:41:01,284 --> 00:41:02,994
It's not a job you want.
672
00:41:03,119 --> 00:41:05,622
Furthermuch, why don't
we have Ultra Sheen
673
00:41:05,789 --> 00:41:06,957
in the commissary?
Why?
674
00:41:07,040 --> 00:41:08,416
You ask me,
that shit is racist!
675
00:41:08,499 --> 00:41:10,627
Fucking racist. Why you gotta
hate black folks? Why?
676
00:41:10,710 --> 00:41:13,421
You do have
to admire their effort.
677
00:41:14,255 --> 00:41:17,133
Every damn inmate is here.
678
00:41:21,471 --> 00:41:23,098
I'll see you later.
679
00:41:24,181 --> 00:41:27,811
In closing, let's get some motherfucking
fried chicken up in here once in a while!
680
00:41:27,894 --> 00:41:29,312
Oh, yeah!
Yeah, I said it.
681
00:41:29,395 --> 00:41:30,396
She said it.
I'm black.
682
00:41:30,480 --> 00:41:31,606
She's black.
And she black.
683
00:41:31,689 --> 00:41:33,089
I'm black! And we
like fried chicken.
684
00:41:33,149 --> 00:41:35,234
Well!
That shit is delicious.
685
00:41:35,318 --> 00:41:39,823
Everybody likes it. Chicken for the people.
I rest my case.
686
00:41:42,366 --> 00:41:46,579
Well, I say we should have
a "whites only" bathroom!
687
00:41:48,331 --> 00:41:50,917
This ain't
The fuckin' Help, bitch,
688
00:41:51,001 --> 00:41:52,836
but you will eat my shit.
689
00:42:52,436 --> 00:42:53,437
Oh!
690
00:42:54,731 --> 00:42:59,318
♪ They call me Taystee
'cause my pussy be delicious
691
00:42:59,402 --> 00:43:00,820
♪ Like an apple it's nutritious
692
00:43:00,904 --> 00:43:02,446
♪ Like a Clinton it's ambitious
693
00:43:02,572 --> 00:43:05,575
♪ You wanna mess with all that?
Bitch, please
694
00:43:05,658 --> 00:43:08,411
♪ You's a gnat, you'll go
splat Best be runnin', stat ♪
695
00:43:13,917 --> 00:43:15,001
Yeah? Well. Yo, yo...
696
00:43:15,085 --> 00:43:17,670
♪ My name is Leanne
and I got game
697
00:43:17,754 --> 00:43:20,256
♪ We're here in Litchfield
and it's kind of lame
698
00:43:20,381 --> 00:43:23,218
♪ This rapping thing
don't seem so hard
699
00:43:23,300 --> 00:43:25,469
♪ Ain't like
I'm a fucking retard! ♪
700
00:43:33,895 --> 00:43:36,773
♪ Fucking dumbass cracka
Should just smack ya
701
00:43:36,856 --> 00:43:39,984
♪ Think you own Jesus?
Turns out he was black
702
00:43:40,110 --> 00:43:42,695
♪ The word is ironic
Me? I'm deep like Atlantis
703
00:43:42,779 --> 00:43:45,531
♪ Rhyming some chronic shit
then pray like a mantis
704
00:43:45,615 --> 00:43:48,243
♪ Matter of fact I'm so done
with your white trash ass
705
00:43:48,325 --> 00:43:51,454
♪ Just 'cause you got little
tits don't mean you got class ♪
706
00:43:53,539 --> 00:43:54,540
That's my shit!
707
00:44:07,178 --> 00:44:08,304
Hey.
708
00:44:09,055 --> 00:44:10,765
This is crazy...
Shh...
709
00:44:11,808 --> 00:44:13,643
Go away.
710
00:44:15,478 --> 00:44:16,646
Sorry.
711
00:44:54,851 --> 00:44:56,853
Who wants a piece of Big Boo?
712
00:45:46,652 --> 00:45:49,364
Are we supposed
to lie down, Mr. Healy?
713
00:45:57,580 --> 00:45:59,249
Hey. Hi.
714
00:45:59,332 --> 00:46:00,583
Hey.
715
00:46:00,666 --> 00:46:01,876
How are you?
716
00:46:02,835 --> 00:46:03,920
Good.
717
00:46:04,003 --> 00:46:06,339
I made you this.
718
00:46:14,972 --> 00:46:18,059
Wow. Thanks.
719
00:46:22,355 --> 00:46:25,108
When I was little, I found
this comic book in the trash.
720
00:46:26,150 --> 00:46:29,028
I'd never seen girls
who looked like that.
721
00:46:29,528 --> 00:46:33,157
They were like Disney
princesses, but prettier.
722
00:46:33,490 --> 00:46:36,035
I liked tracing
the drawings a lot.
723
00:46:36,119 --> 00:46:37,954
My friends thought
that they were lame,
724
00:46:39,705 --> 00:46:41,916
but I liked that
they were different.
725
00:46:42,750 --> 00:46:45,795
They weren't like the
Sunday comics, you know?
726
00:46:46,461 --> 00:46:48,965
I guess I'm a freak,
or whatever.
727
00:46:49,048 --> 00:46:51,634
Not that you're a freak
because of your legs.
728
00:46:51,759 --> 00:46:53,136
Leg.
729
00:46:59,225 --> 00:47:02,812
I didn't mean that.
I'm sorry.
730
00:47:08,651 --> 00:47:09,819
Does it hurt?
731
00:47:11,821 --> 00:47:16,367
Not anymore. Just a little
clumsy sometimes.
732
00:47:16,617 --> 00:47:19,162
Me, too. Sometimes.
733
00:47:28,963 --> 00:47:31,043
Thanks for the advice yesterday.
I think she loved it.
734
00:47:39,015 --> 00:47:40,308
You got enough money?
735
00:47:40,850 --> 00:47:43,436
Yes, transfer came
through yesterday.
736
00:47:45,562 --> 00:47:47,731
And Daya, she need anything?
737
00:47:47,857 --> 00:47:49,192
She's fine.
738
00:47:50,318 --> 00:47:52,569
Then why isn't she here
to say hello?
739
00:47:54,655 --> 00:47:57,158
You better not be fighting again.
She needs her mother.
740
00:47:57,616 --> 00:48:00,370
Wait a minute, both of you
are here to visit me?
741
00:48:00,619 --> 00:48:03,122
Sure don't seem like it,
742
00:48:03,206 --> 00:48:04,539
the way you're talking.
743
00:48:05,124 --> 00:48:07,001
Daya. Daya!
744
00:48:07,377 --> 00:48:08,378
Aren't you my woman?
745
00:48:10,213 --> 00:48:13,132
You acting like
a jealous bitch.
746
00:48:14,633 --> 00:48:17,387
Shit's not flattering, is it?
747
00:48:21,598 --> 00:48:22,725
It went well.
748
00:48:22,808 --> 00:48:25,560
Yeah. I mean, it...
You know. It was great.
749
00:48:25,895 --> 00:48:27,438
Wow! He liked it?
750
00:48:27,562 --> 00:48:29,899
You seem surprised.
Edging?
751
00:48:29,982 --> 00:48:32,703
Edging? Babe, it's a really... It's
a very weird thing to write about.
752
00:48:33,069 --> 00:48:34,653
Weird, very weird.
753
00:48:35,488 --> 00:48:39,616
Actually, he, um, wants me
to write another article.
754
00:48:41,536 --> 00:48:42,619
Really?
755
00:48:42,745 --> 00:48:44,705
Yeah, he thought, um...
756
00:48:44,788 --> 00:48:48,000
He thought I should write about you.
About our experience.
757
00:48:50,253 --> 00:48:52,088
Our experience?
758
00:48:56,259 --> 00:48:57,260
Huh!
759
00:48:58,593 --> 00:49:00,721
Has it been difficult
for you in here?
760
00:49:00,804 --> 00:49:03,266
You know, you're not the only
person having a hard time, Piper.
761
00:49:03,433 --> 00:49:05,268
I hate your stern voice.
762
00:49:10,856 --> 00:49:14,110
I'm sorry. I don't mean
to take this out on you.
763
00:49:14,193 --> 00:49:15,819
But I...
764
00:49:15,945 --> 00:49:18,239
Could you just give me
a little bit of time
765
00:49:18,322 --> 00:49:22,243
to figure out how I feel about you writing
an article about me being in here?
766
00:49:22,326 --> 00:49:24,787
Of course.
You need to
767
00:49:25,329 --> 00:49:26,414
process.
768
00:49:26,497 --> 00:49:30,042
I should respect that.
Take some time.
769
00:49:30,126 --> 00:49:34,589
I'm just not sure if I'm ready to be
Piper Chapman, the convict fiancee.
770
00:49:34,671 --> 00:49:38,968
But as soon as you write an
article, it will all be so, um...
771
00:49:41,262 --> 00:49:42,263
Public.
772
00:49:42,346 --> 00:49:43,598
I hear ya.
773
00:49:44,848 --> 00:49:46,058
I hear ya.
774
00:49:48,978 --> 00:49:51,646
So, is everything
going okay with Alex?
775
00:49:52,148 --> 00:49:54,567
Yeah, it's fine. It's good.
We don't talk.
776
00:49:55,818 --> 00:49:56,944
Good.
777
00:49:57,987 --> 00:49:59,238
That's good.
778
00:50:01,324 --> 00:50:03,451
Diablo!
779
00:50:04,785 --> 00:50:06,703
Diablo?
What?
780
00:50:07,246 --> 00:50:09,081
That lady, that crazy lady.
781
00:50:09,165 --> 00:50:11,626
I found her phone
in the bathroom,
782
00:50:11,708 --> 00:50:13,043
and there was
a picture of her...
783
00:50:13,836 --> 00:50:17,131
And Healy had it printed out
on his desk, and the...
784
00:50:17,840 --> 00:50:19,000
Never mind.
It's a long story.
785
00:50:19,008 --> 00:50:20,843
Anyway, everybody thinks
that she's crazy
786
00:50:20,926 --> 00:50:23,012
and that she's talking
to herself in there,
787
00:50:23,095 --> 00:50:24,679
but she's not!
788
00:50:24,805 --> 00:50:27,517
She's talking
on the phone. To Diablo!
789
00:50:27,600 --> 00:50:29,684
She's been sending him
pictures of her tutu.
790
00:50:29,810 --> 00:50:31,061
Whoa!
791
00:50:32,355 --> 00:50:34,524
That's kind of brilliant.
792
00:50:36,359 --> 00:50:38,194
Wait a second.
Mmm-hmm.
793
00:50:41,155 --> 00:50:42,948
If you know where her phone is,
794
00:50:44,534 --> 00:50:46,536
can you send me
pictures of your tutu?
795
00:50:46,952 --> 00:50:48,120
Ew!
796
00:50:49,497 --> 00:50:51,165
All right.
797
00:50:51,706 --> 00:50:56,711
Thirty-one for Maritza,
16 for Sophia Burset,
798
00:50:56,837 --> 00:51:01,008
41 for Taystee,
46 for Lorna Morello,
799
00:51:01,091 --> 00:51:03,636
24 for Tiffany,
800
00:51:03,718 --> 00:51:06,556
19 for "Fuck you."
801
00:51:06,639 --> 00:51:10,393
An impressive 28 for Jesus.
802
00:51:11,477 --> 00:51:15,606
You still can't tell the fish kissers
who's boss, can you, Samantha?
803
00:51:15,730 --> 00:51:18,733
I've asked you repeatedly
not to call me that.
804
00:51:19,902 --> 00:51:22,737
This isn't about
giving them power.
805
00:51:22,821 --> 00:51:27,993
This is about your mother telling you, you
could take a bath before dinner or after.
806
00:51:28,369 --> 00:51:30,745
You were still gonna get wet,
807
00:51:30,871 --> 00:51:33,123
but you thought
you had a choice.
808
00:51:34,083 --> 00:51:36,919
I have no fuckin' idea
what that means,
809
00:51:37,044 --> 00:51:41,424
but I do know you just basically
built a prisoners' union.
810
00:51:44,552 --> 00:51:45,678
Samantha.
811
00:52:01,860 --> 00:52:05,406
Attention. All maple
syrup is now considered contraband
812
00:52:05,489 --> 00:52:07,241
after last week's incident.
813
00:52:08,117 --> 00:52:12,538
The winners of the WAC elections will
be announced shortly. Thank you.
814
00:52:13,581 --> 00:52:16,333
Enjoy dinner!
Hope it's scrumptious!
815
00:52:16,875 --> 00:52:18,335
I'm real nervous.
816
00:52:18,669 --> 00:52:23,382
I thought the whole idea of Red endorsing
you is that you're going to win.
817
00:52:23,549 --> 00:52:26,469
It is. She's just playing coy.
It's a talent of hers.
818
00:52:26,552 --> 00:52:29,179
I made Claudette's
famous coconut cake
819
00:52:29,305 --> 00:52:33,476
in honor of our new
WAC representative.
820
00:52:38,147 --> 00:52:39,814
Should coconut be beige?
821
00:52:42,109 --> 00:52:43,068
Fine.
822
00:52:43,152 --> 00:52:45,946
No cake for you,
little girl, big mouth.
823
00:52:53,496 --> 00:52:55,289
Tough love, I guess, huh?
824
00:52:55,372 --> 00:52:58,000
Jesus. I don't know
how you deal with her.
825
00:53:00,461 --> 00:53:02,505
Norma's gonna
get you some mouthwash.
826
00:53:02,630 --> 00:53:06,091
A clean mouth
makes you feel better.
827
00:53:06,175 --> 00:53:08,177
Here.
828
00:53:14,849 --> 00:53:19,355
You gotta hit rock bottom before
you know which direction to go in.
829
00:53:19,689 --> 00:53:21,106
Welcome to the floor, kid.
830
00:53:22,483 --> 00:53:24,985
It'll be better from now on.
831
00:53:27,112 --> 00:53:29,406
And what I'll do to you
if you use again
832
00:53:29,532 --> 00:53:32,284
will hurt a lot more than this.
833
00:53:32,368 --> 00:53:34,495
Remember what I'm saying.
834
00:53:40,835 --> 00:53:43,295
Ladies,
attention, please.
835
00:53:44,879 --> 00:53:46,549
How's my hair?
836
00:53:48,843 --> 00:53:50,219
You look great, kid.
837
00:53:51,679 --> 00:53:54,724
Don't worry.
You're gonna be great.
838
00:53:56,266 --> 00:53:59,812
Your elected
WAC leaders are...
839
00:54:00,229 --> 00:54:01,896
Ruiz...
840
00:54:04,608 --> 00:54:06,193
Which Ruiz?
841
00:54:06,276 --> 00:54:07,944
Maria Ruiz...
842
00:54:09,279 --> 00:54:10,531
Oh, shit!
What the fuck?
843
00:54:10,781 --> 00:54:11,990
What the fuck?
844
00:54:12,074 --> 00:54:14,410
Jefferson...
845
00:54:14,535 --> 00:54:18,789
Ooh! Taystee is
prison president, bitches!
846
00:54:25,546 --> 00:54:31,051
Chang, who will be representing
both the others and the golden girls,
847
00:54:31,677 --> 00:54:32,720
and...
848
00:54:37,433 --> 00:54:38,893
Chapman.
849
00:54:50,487 --> 00:54:52,197
But you didn't even run!
850
00:55:05,043 --> 00:55:15,509
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com