1 00:01:26,120 --> 00:01:28,999 A colleague of mine e-mailed that to me this morning. 2 00:01:29,120 --> 00:01:32,670 Apparently it was posted on PrisonPoon.com, 3 00:01:32,760 --> 00:01:34,831 labeled as "Litchfield Poonanny." 4 00:01:35,040 --> 00:01:39,319 Does your colleague often browse PrisonPoon.com? 5 00:01:39,400 --> 00:01:43,872 I would like to solve this problem before the warden finds out about it, Joe. 6 00:01:43,960 --> 00:01:45,679 Neither of us wants to see what happens if he, 7 00:01:45,760 --> 00:01:48,116 or, God forbid, the press, get a hold of this. 8 00:01:48,240 --> 00:01:54,111 Forgive me for questioning the no doubt pristine reputation of Prison Poon, 9 00:01:54,200 --> 00:01:57,318 but how do we know for sure it came out of here? 10 00:01:57,480 --> 00:01:59,039 Notice the tile? 11 00:01:59,680 --> 00:02:01,478 Either one of your inmates has a cell phone... 12 00:02:01,600 --> 00:02:02,590 There's no way. 13 00:02:02,680 --> 00:02:05,320 My guys tore the bunks apart looking for the screwdriver. 14 00:02:05,400 --> 00:02:08,757 Then it's a CO. And he's taking beaver shots of inmates. 15 00:02:08,840 --> 00:02:10,160 So much better. 16 00:02:10,240 --> 00:02:13,153 The warden'll love that almost as much as he loves a dick in the ass. 17 00:02:14,200 --> 00:02:16,669 Well, what the warden does with his free time... 18 00:02:20,760 --> 00:02:23,719 I will get to the bottom of this, ma'am. 19 00:02:23,800 --> 00:02:24,790 I hope so. 20 00:02:24,880 --> 00:02:28,510 It is so depressing dealing with a man who makes less than 40 K. 21 00:02:28,600 --> 00:02:31,911 I was really hoping to get you above that this year. 22 00:02:38,120 --> 00:02:39,315 Christ. 23 00:02:40,720 --> 00:02:43,315 Freckle guy in Admin is really into Photoshop. 24 00:02:44,200 --> 00:02:45,395 Useful. 25 00:02:46,560 --> 00:02:47,914 Are you back on carbs? 26 00:02:48,040 --> 00:02:52,273 My gut's all fucked up from my cheat day, so I'm sticking to soft foods. 27 00:02:52,840 --> 00:02:54,957 Got some Go-Gurt in the fridge for lunch. 28 00:02:55,400 --> 00:02:57,596 Watermelon Meltdown flavor, so... 29 00:03:00,040 --> 00:03:01,633 Fig's on the warpath. 30 00:03:01,760 --> 00:03:03,638 Might want to hide out in your office today. 31 00:03:08,280 --> 00:03:09,999 Between the Baptists and the addicts, 32 00:03:10,080 --> 00:03:13,710 I can't find a peaceful place to meditate on love and acceptance, 33 00:03:13,800 --> 00:03:16,235 which my Buddhist faith requires. 34 00:03:16,400 --> 00:03:17,470 Mr. Healy, 35 00:03:17,560 --> 00:03:20,314 we're having a real hard time praising the Lord 36 00:03:20,400 --> 00:03:22,676 in front of all these heathens and sinners. 37 00:03:22,760 --> 00:03:24,956 We need our chapel. It's our God-given right. 38 00:03:25,160 --> 00:03:26,196 Hey, Mr. Healy, 39 00:03:26,280 --> 00:03:28,590 would you take a look at this? 40 00:03:28,760 --> 00:03:30,558 I think it might be the flu. 41 00:03:44,200 --> 00:03:48,672 Mr. Healy, them cracker meth-head bitches won't let us change the channel. 42 00:03:48,880 --> 00:03:53,193 And it's our turn! I can't watch no more Toddlers and Tiaras. 43 00:03:53,760 --> 00:03:55,877 Don't you triviatize. 44 00:03:55,960 --> 00:03:57,030 This shit is serious. 45 00:03:57,120 --> 00:03:59,351 I won't support the sexuation of baby girls. 46 00:03:59,440 --> 00:04:01,193 That's some nasty shit, 47 00:04:01,280 --> 00:04:03,954 even if some of they sequin dresses do be on point. 48 00:04:06,360 --> 00:04:08,750 You into some dirty shit, Mr. Healy? 49 00:04:10,080 --> 00:04:13,312 Fine! You have control of the TV schedule from now on. 50 00:04:13,560 --> 00:04:14,835 I'll get you a remote. 51 00:04:15,120 --> 00:04:18,796 Now, don't bother me for 24 hours. No, no, no. Make it 48 hours. 52 00:04:19,520 --> 00:04:20,510 Yes, sir! 53 00:04:23,280 --> 00:04:25,317 ...could do it. She's been taking tap since she was 3. 54 00:04:25,960 --> 00:04:29,590 Planet Earth 24/7, bitches! 55 00:04:35,320 --> 00:04:37,039 In this climate... 56 00:04:38,240 --> 00:04:39,720 Is that how you wear your hair these days? 57 00:04:39,840 --> 00:04:41,797 Oh, really, Mom? Every time? 58 00:04:41,880 --> 00:04:43,075 Don't be mopey. 59 00:04:43,160 --> 00:04:45,595 Polly had the most darling French braid yesterday. 60 00:04:45,720 --> 00:04:46,756 You saw Polly? 61 00:04:46,840 --> 00:04:49,355 Yes. I dropped by with a baby present. 62 00:04:49,440 --> 00:04:51,671 She told me about your little chicken incident. 63 00:04:51,760 --> 00:04:52,750 Is that what she called it? 64 00:04:52,840 --> 00:04:56,072 It's none of my business, but I think you owe her an apology. 65 00:04:56,160 --> 00:04:58,356 I have been trying to apologize! 66 00:04:58,440 --> 00:04:59,635 Keep it down, Chapman! 67 00:05:01,480 --> 00:05:02,516 Oh, my. 68 00:05:04,360 --> 00:05:07,876 I have been calling her. A lot. But she won't answer the phone. 69 00:05:11,680 --> 00:05:14,320 I need you to be very honest with me. 70 00:05:16,040 --> 00:05:17,190 Are you losing it in here? 71 00:05:17,320 --> 00:05:21,712 Because we're very worried about you. There are medications. 72 00:05:21,960 --> 00:05:23,519 I am not going crazy. 73 00:05:23,640 --> 00:05:25,472 I am surrounded by crazy, 74 00:05:25,560 --> 00:05:29,440 and I am trying to climb Everest in flip-flops, 75 00:05:29,520 --> 00:05:31,830 but I am not going crazy, okay? 76 00:05:32,360 --> 00:05:34,875 Honey, nobody would blame you. Look at this place. 77 00:05:35,720 --> 00:05:37,154 You're incarcerated. 78 00:05:38,880 --> 00:05:43,033 God only knows the emotional toll it must take to be in here with that woman. 79 00:05:43,880 --> 00:05:45,712 She is the least of my problems. 80 00:05:45,840 --> 00:05:48,230 She's your entire problem, Piper. 81 00:05:48,720 --> 00:05:51,599 You'd be home trying on wedding dresses, growing your business, 82 00:05:51,720 --> 00:05:55,475 giving me grandchildren, if it weren't for her. 83 00:05:56,080 --> 00:05:58,151 She stole all that from you. 84 00:05:58,240 --> 00:05:59,310 Mom. 85 00:05:59,400 --> 00:06:00,550 Yes. 86 00:06:00,640 --> 00:06:02,393 I need you to hear what I'm gonna say. 87 00:06:02,480 --> 00:06:04,199 I need you to really hear it. 88 00:06:07,240 --> 00:06:09,038 I am in here 89 00:06:09,960 --> 00:06:13,920 because I am no different from anybody else in here. 90 00:06:16,400 --> 00:06:18,119 I made bad choices. 91 00:06:19,080 --> 00:06:20,912 I committed a crime. 92 00:06:21,280 --> 00:06:27,038 And being in here is no one's fault but my own. 93 00:06:28,080 --> 00:06:30,311 Honey, if that lawyer had done... 94 00:06:30,440 --> 00:06:31,635 Howard. 95 00:06:34,240 --> 00:06:36,550 Larry's father's name is Howard. 96 00:06:38,160 --> 00:06:41,949 You never would have ended up in here if you'd gone to trial. 97 00:06:45,200 --> 00:06:48,272 Sweetheart, you're nothing like any of these women. 98 00:06:49,200 --> 00:06:52,557 Any jury worth its salt would have seen that. 99 00:06:54,120 --> 00:06:57,352 Darling, you were a debutante. 100 00:07:34,160 --> 00:07:35,958 Visiting hours will be over at noon. 101 00:07:36,040 --> 00:07:40,159 You may return at 2:00 p.m. for the afternoon and evening hour. 102 00:07:43,000 --> 00:07:44,719 You look like her. 103 00:07:45,160 --> 00:07:46,276 That's what I'm told. 104 00:07:46,400 --> 00:07:47,629 You don't think so? 105 00:07:48,360 --> 00:07:51,080 I prefer to be in denial about the shared genetics. 106 00:07:51,680 --> 00:07:54,195 You are in denial about a lot of things, blondie. 107 00:07:54,320 --> 00:07:56,915 I'm a WASP. That's what we do. 108 00:07:59,360 --> 00:08:01,591 I'm working on it. Are you waiting for somebody? 109 00:08:01,680 --> 00:08:05,037 Nah. Wouldn't want to ruin my four-month dry spell. 110 00:08:05,160 --> 00:08:09,359 Yeah, well, after that visit, that's starting to sound appealing. 111 00:08:10,480 --> 00:08:13,314 Look, don't say ungrateful crap like that around here. 112 00:08:13,400 --> 00:08:16,393 Your mother shows up, buys you pretzels. Poor you. 113 00:08:16,480 --> 00:08:18,119 We all have our shit, Nicky. 114 00:08:18,360 --> 00:08:21,990 Yeah, some shit stinks worse than other shit, princess. 115 00:08:22,120 --> 00:08:23,998 You don't know how my shit smells. 116 00:08:24,080 --> 00:08:25,230 Sure I do. 117 00:08:27,760 --> 00:08:29,831 Your shit smells like Shalimar. 118 00:08:30,200 --> 00:08:32,317 Must have rubbed off when she hugged you goodbye. 119 00:08:32,400 --> 00:08:33,675 What a bitch. 120 00:08:50,840 --> 00:08:54,151 Nicole! It's time to wake up. 121 00:08:56,480 --> 00:08:57,550 Mom? 122 00:09:01,680 --> 00:09:03,911 Bacterial infection in your heart. 123 00:09:04,040 --> 00:09:06,271 Usually introduced from a dirty needle. 124 00:09:06,640 --> 00:09:08,711 They also found traces of cocaine in your blood, 125 00:09:08,800 --> 00:09:11,110 which is a fun new choice for you. 126 00:09:11,560 --> 00:09:13,119 I had pneumonia. 127 00:09:13,240 --> 00:09:14,799 It must've spread or something. 128 00:09:17,680 --> 00:09:19,194 Seriously, I'm clean. 129 00:09:19,280 --> 00:09:21,112 Ironically enough, you are now. 130 00:09:22,120 --> 00:09:24,476 You had several blood transfusions during the surgery. 131 00:09:32,120 --> 00:09:34,999 Must have been a pretty bad case of pneumonia. 132 00:09:39,320 --> 00:09:41,198 What, you gotta call Paolo? 133 00:09:41,280 --> 00:09:43,272 Make sure he's surviving without your tit to suck on? 134 00:09:43,400 --> 00:09:45,232 You are 26 years old. 135 00:09:45,320 --> 00:09:48,279 Isn't it time you gave up this angry, I-hate-Mom phase? 136 00:09:48,480 --> 00:09:50,073 Holy shit! 137 00:09:50,640 --> 00:09:52,393 You're my mom! 138 00:09:52,480 --> 00:09:55,075 See, I could have sworn it was that brown woman who made me pancakes 139 00:09:55,160 --> 00:09:56,514 and read me Charlotte's Web at night. 140 00:09:56,640 --> 00:09:58,757 I did what was good for you. 141 00:09:58,880 --> 00:10:01,520 Living with a nanny while you lived in a separate apartment with that prick 142 00:10:01,640 --> 00:10:03,871 who thought children carried germs? That's for my own good? 143 00:10:04,560 --> 00:10:07,871 I think if you take a second and look at our current situation, 144 00:10:08,000 --> 00:10:09,150 you might reconsider. 145 00:10:09,240 --> 00:10:12,074 Do you know what? Keep blaming everyone but yourself, Nicole. 146 00:10:12,160 --> 00:10:14,595 Seems to be working out really well for you so far. 147 00:10:14,680 --> 00:10:17,275 I always miss you until you're here. 148 00:10:18,800 --> 00:10:22,999 Then I realize the mom I miss must've been someone I invented when I was a kid. 149 00:10:24,000 --> 00:10:25,957 I don't know what more you want from me. 150 00:10:26,840 --> 00:10:29,674 I want you to do things mothers do. 151 00:10:30,440 --> 00:10:35,276 I don't know, hold me, give me sips of water. 152 00:10:37,440 --> 00:10:38,476 Anything. 153 00:10:40,200 --> 00:10:41,600 They told me you were gonna die. 154 00:10:44,000 --> 00:10:45,559 I'm done, okay? 155 00:10:47,040 --> 00:10:48,269 I'll stay clean. 156 00:10:58,960 --> 00:11:00,360 Hey, Ma. 157 00:11:00,560 --> 00:11:01,596 What that... 158 00:11:01,720 --> 00:11:03,234 Fucking slut. 159 00:11:03,360 --> 00:11:04,635 Aleida, it's not worth it. 160 00:11:04,720 --> 00:11:06,040 Aleida! Aleida! 161 00:11:06,120 --> 00:11:07,270 Fucking bitch! 162 00:11:10,040 --> 00:11:11,190 Yo, respect your mother. 163 00:11:11,480 --> 00:11:13,153 Why? She never acted like no mom. 164 00:11:13,240 --> 00:11:14,356 You okay? 165 00:11:14,440 --> 00:11:15,760 Shit. 166 00:11:22,640 --> 00:11:25,792 Baby watch, day 232. 167 00:11:25,920 --> 00:11:29,675 Painting the nursery. Mimosa yellow, non-toxic, obvs. 168 00:11:29,800 --> 00:11:32,269 Leave a message, but it might take me a while to get back to you, 169 00:11:32,360 --> 00:11:35,239 because, you know, I'm preparing to bring forth new life. 170 00:11:41,400 --> 00:11:42,720 I got nothin'. 171 00:11:43,680 --> 00:11:47,560 And you have no knowledge of anyone taking his or her cell phone 172 00:11:47,640 --> 00:11:52,078 out of his or her locker during his or her shift? 173 00:11:52,600 --> 00:11:55,957 If I were you, I'd ask Mendez. He looks guilty. 174 00:11:56,080 --> 00:11:57,799 It's probably the mustache. 175 00:11:57,880 --> 00:12:00,031 You ever notice how guys with mustaches 176 00:12:00,120 --> 00:12:02,589 always look like they just fingered a little girl? 177 00:12:04,840 --> 00:12:06,240 How about a camera? 178 00:12:07,200 --> 00:12:10,193 You see anyone with a camera? 179 00:12:16,200 --> 00:12:17,475 Nope. 180 00:12:18,440 --> 00:12:22,753 You have not observed 181 00:12:22,840 --> 00:12:29,713 or participated in any inappropriate activity 182 00:12:31,280 --> 00:12:34,557 or relation with an inmate? 183 00:12:36,240 --> 00:12:39,517 No, sir. It's... 184 00:12:42,800 --> 00:12:44,632 Because, in here, 185 00:12:44,720 --> 00:12:48,475 inappropriate can mean a smile 186 00:12:49,120 --> 00:12:51,237 at the wrong time, Bennett. 187 00:12:52,080 --> 00:12:57,474 These women are hungry, if you get my meaning. 188 00:12:58,680 --> 00:13:00,160 Yes, sir. 189 00:13:00,440 --> 00:13:03,114 They want sex, is what I mean. 190 00:13:04,000 --> 00:13:05,195 Understood, sir. 191 00:13:06,200 --> 00:13:08,999 Good. We're done here. We're done. 192 00:13:16,120 --> 00:13:17,110 Mr. Caputo? 193 00:13:18,320 --> 00:13:21,518 Come in. Susan, have a seat. 194 00:13:22,640 --> 00:13:26,600 Congratulations on becoming a Litchfield correctional officer. 195 00:13:26,680 --> 00:13:29,275 We really appreciate you coming in so soon. 196 00:13:29,880 --> 00:13:32,076 CO Thompson came... 197 00:13:32,840 --> 00:13:34,672 This is confidential, of course. 198 00:13:35,080 --> 00:13:37,754 Well, he came a little undone 199 00:13:37,840 --> 00:13:42,869 and is currently on temporary/permanent leave. 200 00:13:42,960 --> 00:13:46,920 The inmate will have to wear an eye patch for a few weeks. 201 00:13:47,480 --> 00:13:49,915 Well, I'll be sure to keep my hands to myself, sir. 202 00:13:50,040 --> 00:13:52,953 Except during strip searches, I hope. Right? 203 00:13:56,520 --> 00:14:02,471 Anyway, I just wanted to personally make sure you're settling in okay 204 00:14:02,560 --> 00:14:09,239 and bring you up to speed on our current crisis. 205 00:14:21,040 --> 00:14:22,190 Why'd you change the station? 206 00:14:22,320 --> 00:14:24,835 That reggaeton shit gives me a headache. 207 00:14:24,920 --> 00:14:26,991 It's the same thing over and over. 208 00:14:27,080 --> 00:14:29,072 How come none of these stations play The Smiths? 209 00:14:29,200 --> 00:14:30,714 'Cause it's pussy music. 210 00:14:30,800 --> 00:14:34,396 How Soon Is Now? is, like, an '80s anthem. 211 00:14:34,560 --> 00:14:35,994 Bitch, you were born in '92. 212 00:14:36,080 --> 00:14:38,231 - So? - So you don't know shit. 213 00:14:39,080 --> 00:14:42,232 The shark makes its move, moving directly to the seal. 214 00:14:44,480 --> 00:14:45,800 Fuck this! 215 00:14:45,880 --> 00:14:50,272 That's it. Ina Garten is making brown butter cake today. 216 00:14:50,440 --> 00:14:52,113 Don't fuck with my cooking shows. T! 217 00:14:52,240 --> 00:14:53,754 It don't matter what you wanna watch. 218 00:14:53,880 --> 00:14:58,033 I'm president of the TV, and you can't do nothing about it, Pussy. 219 00:14:58,160 --> 00:15:01,949 My name is Poussey. Accent ? droite, bitch. 220 00:15:02,560 --> 00:15:03,596 Accent ? what? 221 00:15:03,720 --> 00:15:04,836 It's French. 222 00:15:04,920 --> 00:15:07,151 Poussey is a place in France where my daddy served, 223 00:15:07,240 --> 00:15:08,754 and kings was born and shit. 224 00:15:08,840 --> 00:15:09,910 What the fuck you named after? 225 00:15:10,000 --> 00:15:11,480 Some bullshit cakes with cream in the middle? 226 00:15:11,560 --> 00:15:13,040 You callin' me a Ho Ho? 227 00:15:13,120 --> 00:15:16,158 It's Hostess, you dumbass. Man, you a fuckin' Swiss roll. 228 00:15:19,480 --> 00:15:20,880 Norma, will you go? 229 00:15:20,960 --> 00:15:22,474 What, are you blind now, too? 230 00:15:22,800 --> 00:15:25,031 If you put the "S" on the end of "knife," 231 00:15:25,120 --> 00:15:27,954 you can make "slut" going down. Fifteen points ain't bad. 232 00:15:28,040 --> 00:15:29,030 No cheating! 233 00:15:29,120 --> 00:15:30,554 I'm just helping her. 234 00:15:31,080 --> 00:15:34,278 The plural of "knife" is "knives," genius. 235 00:15:35,040 --> 00:15:36,554 No such fucking word as "knifes." 236 00:15:36,640 --> 00:15:38,074 No? 237 00:15:38,160 --> 00:15:41,198 Well, then what does Tony do to Bernardo in West Side Story? 238 00:15:41,280 --> 00:15:43,556 I'll tell you what. He knifes him. 239 00:15:44,120 --> 00:15:47,511 Well, aren't you the plot spoiler? 240 00:15:47,600 --> 00:15:49,034 So, here's a good idea. 241 00:15:49,120 --> 00:15:50,998 Why don't you mind your own fucking business 242 00:15:51,080 --> 00:15:53,800 and go back to planning your cute little hetero wedding? 243 00:15:54,800 --> 00:15:57,838 Hey! Are you gonna get your dress off of eBay? 244 00:15:57,960 --> 00:16:01,158 I sure hope nobody scams you. That'd be fucking ironic. 245 00:16:02,840 --> 00:16:05,514 Don't you dare! 246 00:16:05,640 --> 00:16:07,074 You are way too fucking smart for that! 247 00:16:07,160 --> 00:16:09,675 Sit down, Boo! I am serious! 248 00:16:10,440 --> 00:16:11,760 Hey. 249 00:16:11,840 --> 00:16:12,910 Hey! 250 00:16:14,720 --> 00:16:19,670 You ladies need to start acting like ladies. 251 00:16:21,120 --> 00:16:22,395 Now, what's the problem in here? 252 00:16:26,600 --> 00:16:28,000 Ladies! 253 00:16:28,840 --> 00:16:30,194 Ladies! 254 00:16:32,400 --> 00:16:34,995 I'm gonna bring back the Women's Advisory Council. 255 00:16:35,280 --> 00:16:37,431 The first election will be held this Saturday. 256 00:16:37,760 --> 00:16:44,075 In the meantime, don't bother me and simmer down, okay? 257 00:16:44,160 --> 00:16:46,038 All kitchen inmate duties... 258 00:16:46,400 --> 00:16:47,516 Thank you. 259 00:16:50,000 --> 00:16:53,232 It's on. Who's gonna be duchess of WAC? 260 00:16:53,320 --> 00:16:54,640 Taystee! 261 00:16:54,720 --> 00:16:56,996 Taystee 262 00:17:02,880 --> 00:17:07,318 So, I'm thinking campaign buttons instead of posters, 263 00:17:07,400 --> 00:17:09,915 'cause everyone will be doing posters. 264 00:17:10,240 --> 00:17:14,200 We can stick 'em on with tape. What do you think about yellow and pink? 265 00:17:14,280 --> 00:17:15,316 They're my wedding colors. 266 00:17:15,600 --> 00:17:17,637 It's just a real pretty combination. 267 00:17:17,720 --> 00:17:20,997 But I don't wanna tell Christopher, 'cause I don't want him to get jealous. 268 00:17:21,080 --> 00:17:24,630 'Course not. You wouldn't want him to think you liked pink in prison, right, Morello? 269 00:17:25,920 --> 00:17:27,912 Still can't believe you're running for this lame shit. 270 00:17:28,000 --> 00:17:29,480 Red told me to. I'm her pick. 271 00:17:29,560 --> 00:17:31,074 You want me to say no to her? 272 00:17:31,600 --> 00:17:33,000 She picked you? 273 00:17:33,080 --> 00:17:35,072 Yeah. You got a problem with that? 274 00:17:35,160 --> 00:17:39,120 I just think it would have been smarter for her to pick a dyke. A real dyke. 275 00:17:39,200 --> 00:17:42,511 Yeah, Nicky. Last time I checked, Lorna was pretty gay. 276 00:17:42,600 --> 00:17:44,512 Gay for you, as a matter of fact. 277 00:17:44,600 --> 00:17:47,240 You didn't hear? We're done. 278 00:17:47,320 --> 00:17:49,915 Well, she's gotta start working on tightening her pussy muscles, 279 00:17:50,000 --> 00:17:53,118 'cause her fiancé's dick is so small, it's like a hot dog in a hallway, so... 280 00:17:53,200 --> 00:17:54,190 Wow. 281 00:17:54,280 --> 00:17:56,875 - All right, ladies! Taystee! Taystee! - What's happening? 282 00:17:56,960 --> 00:17:59,316 So, who are you running against besides Taystee? 283 00:17:59,440 --> 00:18:00,430 She don't count. 284 00:18:00,520 --> 00:18:02,477 Black ladies just run against the other black ladies. 285 00:18:02,600 --> 00:18:04,353 My competition is Pennsatucky. 286 00:18:04,440 --> 00:18:07,672 But it don't matter, because Red's gonna make all the white girls vote for me. 287 00:18:07,800 --> 00:18:10,395 So, you only run against white people. 288 00:18:10,480 --> 00:18:12,597 You can only vote within your race or your group. 289 00:18:12,680 --> 00:18:15,070 Look, just pretend it's the 1950s. It makes it easier to understand. 290 00:18:15,160 --> 00:18:18,676 See, everyone elects a representative from their own tribe. 291 00:18:18,800 --> 00:18:24,432 White, black, Hispanic, golden girls, others. 292 00:18:24,520 --> 00:18:27,080 And those five gals, they meet with Healy, 293 00:18:27,160 --> 00:18:28,560 they tell him what we want, 294 00:18:28,640 --> 00:18:31,951 then he speaks to the higher-ups. It's like student council. 295 00:18:32,040 --> 00:18:34,271 But how is that an effective system? 296 00:18:34,360 --> 00:18:36,556 Not every Hispanic person wants the same thing. 297 00:18:36,640 --> 00:18:39,360 Sure they do. They all want to come to America. 298 00:18:39,440 --> 00:18:42,080 Jesus, your entire world view is based on West Side Story, isn't it? 299 00:18:42,160 --> 00:18:45,392 Can we get back to Lorna being racist? Just more of that, please. 300 00:18:45,520 --> 00:18:47,751 But... Okay, fine. 301 00:18:47,840 --> 00:18:50,594 See, I know because my neighborhood is near them. 302 00:18:50,680 --> 00:18:53,240 They live, like, 20 people to one apartment. 303 00:18:53,360 --> 00:18:54,635 They have more kids than even the Irish. 304 00:18:54,720 --> 00:18:56,871 The men like their women with big titties, big asses. 305 00:18:56,960 --> 00:18:59,031 They're dirty, they're greasy, their food smells nasty 306 00:18:59,120 --> 00:19:00,918 and they're taking all our jobs. 307 00:19:01,000 --> 00:19:04,391 If y'all want a man representing you, be my fucking guest. 308 00:19:04,480 --> 00:19:07,359 That bitch got a plastic pussy or some shit. 309 00:19:07,440 --> 00:19:09,193 You wanna see it? 310 00:19:09,280 --> 00:19:11,749 Please! You flash that shit like it's made out of diamonds. 311 00:19:11,840 --> 00:19:14,230 I done seen it about 10 times already today. 312 00:19:14,320 --> 00:19:17,472 Listen, honey, I know all you care about is what you get to watch on the TV, 313 00:19:17,560 --> 00:19:21,952 but me and my diamond kitty here wanna prioritize things around this place, 314 00:19:22,040 --> 00:19:24,236 like health care, basic human rights... 315 00:19:24,360 --> 00:19:26,920 You ain't never gonna change that shit. 316 00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:29,356 You think this white people politics? 317 00:19:30,040 --> 00:19:32,794 Let's talk about health care, Mackenzie. 318 00:19:32,880 --> 00:19:35,634 Amanda, I'd rather not. It's not polite. 319 00:19:35,720 --> 00:19:37,712 Well, did you see that wonderful new documentary 320 00:19:37,800 --> 00:19:39,439 about the best sushi in the world? 321 00:19:39,520 --> 00:19:43,309 Of course, now that I'm vegan, I didn't enjoy it as much as I might have before. 322 00:19:43,400 --> 00:19:45,357 You know, I just don't have the time. 323 00:19:45,440 --> 00:19:49,320 Chad and I have our yoga workshop, then wine tasting class. 324 00:19:49,400 --> 00:19:54,156 And then we have to have really quiet sex every night at 9:00. 325 00:19:54,240 --> 00:19:57,472 But did you hear that piece on NPR about hedge funds? 326 00:19:57,560 --> 00:20:01,474 Amanda, let me ask you, what do you think about my bangs these days? 327 00:20:01,560 --> 00:20:02,755 I mean, do you like 'em straight down, 328 00:20:02,840 --> 00:20:04,832 or should I be doing more of a sweep to the side? 329 00:20:04,920 --> 00:20:06,400 Sweep to the side. 330 00:20:08,280 --> 00:20:09,430 Yo, you gotta... 331 00:20:09,560 --> 00:20:12,712 If you want more pizza, vote for Maritza. 332 00:20:12,800 --> 00:20:14,234 That shit is horrible. 333 00:20:14,760 --> 00:20:17,832 I like pizza. Everyone likes pizza. 334 00:20:17,920 --> 00:20:19,070 What? It's American and shit. 335 00:20:19,160 --> 00:20:20,913 It's Italian, you fucking idiot. 336 00:20:21,040 --> 00:20:22,360 What, you got something better? 337 00:20:22,440 --> 00:20:24,397 Yeah. I'm gonna run. 338 00:20:24,480 --> 00:20:27,552 - Oh, shit. It's on. - Wow, fancy! 339 00:20:27,640 --> 00:20:30,997 What, "Vote for Flaca, puta's full of caca"? 340 00:20:31,080 --> 00:20:33,595 - All right! - Okay! 341 00:20:35,440 --> 00:20:39,275 Shit. It don't matter who wins, all right? Just as long as you handle our shit. 342 00:20:40,040 --> 00:20:42,714 Please. I can out-shout any of these bitches. 343 00:20:42,800 --> 00:20:44,075 Are you sure? 344 00:20:45,880 --> 00:20:48,111 All of you who think we don't have any sisters, we're black people... 345 00:20:48,240 --> 00:20:50,038 Did you know they can't float? 346 00:20:50,120 --> 00:20:51,349 What the hell are you talking about? 347 00:20:51,440 --> 00:20:52,476 It's true! 348 00:20:52,560 --> 00:20:56,440 Like in the swimming pool and shit. Their bone density ain't right for it. 349 00:20:57,960 --> 00:20:59,792 Yo, my uncle told me. 350 00:21:00,800 --> 00:21:03,440 Yo, that shit is crazy, Flaca-ca. 351 00:21:03,520 --> 00:21:06,752 They're smelly, stupid and lazy, but they ain't got different bones. 352 00:21:06,840 --> 00:21:08,160 Except in their pants. 353 00:21:08,240 --> 00:21:10,471 Yo, let me tell you, them black boys, 354 00:21:10,560 --> 00:21:12,438 they got some serious trouser meat. 355 00:21:12,520 --> 00:21:14,193 Like, whoa! 356 00:21:22,200 --> 00:21:23,680 That's enough! 357 00:21:23,800 --> 00:21:27,396 Quiet down! Hey! Quiet down! 358 00:21:27,480 --> 00:21:30,791 You are in violation of the Litchfield... 359 00:21:30,880 --> 00:21:32,030 Shut up! 360 00:21:45,480 --> 00:21:47,517 Well, don't be an observer. Grab a rag. 361 00:21:53,920 --> 00:21:55,354 What's up, Nicky? 362 00:21:55,440 --> 00:21:57,238 This rag smells like mildew. 363 00:21:58,160 --> 00:22:01,039 It means your counter is gonna smell like mildew. 364 00:22:01,120 --> 00:22:02,474 That's gross. 365 00:22:02,560 --> 00:22:04,074 You need to wash your rags, Red. 366 00:22:05,600 --> 00:22:07,034 Nicky... 367 00:22:11,160 --> 00:22:13,436 Why'd you choose Lorna to run for WAC and not me? 368 00:22:13,560 --> 00:22:15,791 You're questioning my decisions? 369 00:22:15,880 --> 00:22:19,430 Only in the most respectful way you could possibly imagine. I just... 370 00:22:20,760 --> 00:22:22,353 I thought I was like your Spock. 371 00:22:22,440 --> 00:22:23,920 My what? 372 00:22:24,000 --> 00:22:28,279 You know, your right hand. Your girl Friday. Your V.P. 373 00:22:28,880 --> 00:22:31,679 Lorna is pretty and unthreatening. 374 00:22:31,760 --> 00:22:34,878 I like her lipstick and she listens. 375 00:22:34,960 --> 00:22:37,475 The last thing you need is a public forum. 376 00:22:37,560 --> 00:22:39,517 You're already too mouthy for your own good. 377 00:22:39,600 --> 00:22:40,750 Yeah, but... 378 00:22:40,880 --> 00:22:43,554 Don't confuse being my daughter with getting a vote. 379 00:22:43,640 --> 00:22:46,519 This isn't a democracy, sweetheart. 380 00:22:55,200 --> 00:22:57,396 You need something? 381 00:23:14,440 --> 00:23:15,669 Oh, gosh! 382 00:23:15,760 --> 00:23:19,834 This prize sure beats the heck out of a decoder ring. 383 00:23:19,960 --> 00:23:21,474 What can I say? 384 00:23:22,440 --> 00:23:26,036 The girls are very concerned about their oral hygiene. 385 00:23:32,520 --> 00:23:34,432 You bringing in cell phones, too? 386 00:23:34,600 --> 00:23:36,478 Absolutely not. 387 00:23:36,600 --> 00:23:41,117 So you're not taking dirty pictures of your hairy pussy to send to your husband? 388 00:23:42,160 --> 00:23:44,277 Do the curtains match the drapes? 389 00:23:45,080 --> 00:23:48,073 You got some purple wispies down there? 390 00:23:49,440 --> 00:23:52,638 What are you talking about? 391 00:23:56,640 --> 00:23:58,757 Someone smuggled in a phone. 392 00:23:59,400 --> 00:24:02,632 And now it's getting in the way of my business. 393 00:24:04,640 --> 00:24:06,950 I don't like competition, sweet cheeks. 394 00:24:15,120 --> 00:24:17,635 Cell block D, prepare for inspection. 395 00:24:36,640 --> 00:24:38,518 Visiting hours are now over... 396 00:24:43,640 --> 00:24:48,590 Caputo grilled me about inappropriate relationships for five hours today. 397 00:24:48,680 --> 00:24:52,037 It wasn't really five hours, but it felt that way. 398 00:24:52,120 --> 00:24:56,319 You know, this is inappropriate. What you and me are doing. 399 00:24:56,400 --> 00:24:57,993 It's gonna be fine, baby. 400 00:24:58,080 --> 00:25:00,037 I think we have different definitions of fine. 401 00:25:00,120 --> 00:25:04,273 I'm about to lose my job, and your mom was naked. 402 00:25:04,360 --> 00:25:06,716 Like, really, really naked. All of it. 403 00:25:06,800 --> 00:25:10,396 I saw her boobs. 404 00:25:10,480 --> 00:25:12,392 But you didn't do nothing, right? 405 00:25:13,000 --> 00:25:14,036 What? 406 00:25:15,880 --> 00:25:17,075 You didn't fuck her? 407 00:25:17,240 --> 00:25:18,754 Why would I... 408 00:25:18,840 --> 00:25:21,878 I don't want your mom, Daya. I want you. 409 00:25:45,640 --> 00:25:46,994 - No... - Let me. 410 00:25:47,080 --> 00:25:48,594 Please, don't. 411 00:25:49,600 --> 00:25:51,717 I wanna feel all of you. 412 00:26:27,400 --> 00:26:28,516 Come on in, Chapman. 413 00:26:30,480 --> 00:26:31,630 Please close the door. 414 00:26:49,560 --> 00:26:50,630 What? 415 00:26:51,960 --> 00:26:53,030 Hold up the red one. 416 00:27:00,400 --> 00:27:02,312 Okay, now the blue. 417 00:27:02,920 --> 00:27:04,195 Mail call in 15 minutes. 418 00:27:05,240 --> 00:27:07,880 Cart will be making the rounds in 15 minutes. 419 00:27:09,480 --> 00:27:10,436 Mr. Healy... 420 00:27:10,520 --> 00:27:13,718 It's for my wife. It's our anniversary tomorrow. 421 00:27:13,800 --> 00:27:17,032 I think the blue is better. Thanks. 422 00:27:19,120 --> 00:27:20,520 Have a seat, Chapman. 423 00:27:25,760 --> 00:27:28,673 Chapman, we understand each other, don't we? 424 00:27:30,320 --> 00:27:31,674 I think so. 425 00:27:32,040 --> 00:27:33,110 I mean, I agree. 426 00:27:33,200 --> 00:27:37,672 I think the two of us working together, we could really turn some things around. 427 00:27:37,800 --> 00:27:40,190 Or at the very least, make things a little quieter. 428 00:27:46,560 --> 00:27:47,960 You want me to run for WAC. 429 00:27:48,840 --> 00:27:51,878 We don't get ladies as bright as yourself in here often. 430 00:27:52,240 --> 00:27:55,551 Thank you, Mr. Healy. I appreciate that. I really do. 431 00:27:55,880 --> 00:27:59,396 But I'm trying this new thing where I stay out of the spotlight. 432 00:27:59,480 --> 00:28:01,790 I think that it's a better bet for me. 433 00:28:02,120 --> 00:28:05,955 I'm giving you a chance to make your time count, Chapman. 434 00:28:06,560 --> 00:28:11,396 Thank you. But I need to politely decline. 435 00:28:11,800 --> 00:28:15,271 Well, I'm disappointed. 436 00:28:15,360 --> 00:28:17,955 It's certainly not like I can force you to run anyway, right? 437 00:28:21,120 --> 00:28:23,112 We're not Cosmo, Larry. 438 00:28:23,600 --> 00:28:25,956 We don't do pieces on having better orgasms. 439 00:28:26,040 --> 00:28:29,590 And, truthfully, "edging" sounds like a recipe for blue balls. 440 00:28:29,680 --> 00:28:31,990 It's just... It is gross. 441 00:28:32,080 --> 00:28:34,640 Look, what if I change the angle? Maybe... 442 00:28:35,080 --> 00:28:37,993 What's the deal with your wife? Is she really in prison? 443 00:28:39,360 --> 00:28:41,955 My fiancée. She is. It sucks. 444 00:28:42,080 --> 00:28:45,710 Look, I really think if I made some changes... 445 00:28:45,800 --> 00:28:47,837 Christ, Bloom. No one wants to learn how not to come. 446 00:28:47,920 --> 00:28:50,515 Coming is the whole goddamn point. Listen, I've got to get to this meeting. 447 00:28:50,600 --> 00:28:54,435 But this is a good story, okay? Come on, Tim. 448 00:28:55,080 --> 00:28:58,710 I need this. Just give me something, huh? An assignment. 449 00:28:59,600 --> 00:29:00,795 You want an assignment? Fine. 450 00:29:00,880 --> 00:29:02,792 Here's your assignment, "My wife is in prison." 451 00:29:02,880 --> 00:29:04,030 Fiancée. 452 00:29:04,120 --> 00:29:06,874 She takes naked showers with bad, busty women, 453 00:29:06,960 --> 00:29:09,475 and I'm home alone thinking about it, trying not to come. 454 00:29:09,600 --> 00:29:11,557 That's a story for us. Knock yourself out. 455 00:29:15,520 --> 00:29:18,638 It's too far! A little to the right. 456 00:29:19,040 --> 00:29:21,430 Ain't we learned our lesson about hanging crosses, Tucky? 457 00:29:21,520 --> 00:29:24,558 Ain't we learned our lessons about mouthing off? Get... 458 00:29:24,640 --> 00:29:25,869 Sorry. 459 00:29:27,760 --> 00:29:28,910 You keep this up, 460 00:29:29,000 --> 00:29:31,231 and God's gonna start questioning your devotion. 461 00:29:31,320 --> 00:29:32,470 He told me. 462 00:29:36,640 --> 00:29:39,872 "Died for your sins." Who's gonna win? 463 00:29:39,960 --> 00:29:41,440 Tiffany. 464 00:29:43,120 --> 00:29:46,909 Man, those little white midgets are sad, but them bitches know how to win! 465 00:29:47,000 --> 00:29:49,390 Look at you, all power hungry and shit. 466 00:29:49,480 --> 00:29:51,995 Where are your morals, Candidate Jefferson? 467 00:29:52,080 --> 00:29:53,355 Well, Mackenzie... 468 00:30:01,600 --> 00:30:03,193 This fucking election. 469 00:30:03,320 --> 00:30:05,277 Like this place needs to be any more like high school! 470 00:30:05,360 --> 00:30:07,875 My God, I'm drowning in vowels over here. 471 00:30:14,320 --> 00:30:15,515 This the campaign strategy? 472 00:30:15,600 --> 00:30:20,117 No, it's more like a life strategy. Everyone likes to get fed. 473 00:30:20,200 --> 00:30:21,759 That's gross. 474 00:30:21,880 --> 00:30:23,837 Come on! Come on. 475 00:30:25,040 --> 00:30:27,475 Come on! It's delicious! 476 00:30:28,920 --> 00:30:30,274 Speaking of high school... 477 00:30:30,360 --> 00:30:33,751 I feel like such an asshole. Why won't she even look at me? 478 00:30:33,840 --> 00:30:36,878 'Cause you were an asshole. Everyone has their limits. 479 00:30:37,880 --> 00:30:40,031 Okay, 32, 33... 480 00:30:40,160 --> 00:30:41,560 - Whoa. - Thirty-four points! 481 00:30:45,440 --> 00:30:47,397 Look, you know her better than I do, but in my experience, 482 00:30:47,520 --> 00:30:49,193 she can smell bullshit like a shark smells blood. 483 00:30:49,280 --> 00:30:51,351 Just cut out the needy puppy act and be straight with her. 484 00:30:51,440 --> 00:30:53,113 Say you're sorry for being a dick. 485 00:30:53,720 --> 00:30:57,760 What about, like, a snappy kind of slogan? Something with rhymes in it? 486 00:30:58,600 --> 00:31:01,991 What about, "Vote for Morello because she's not yellow, she's white"? 487 00:31:12,640 --> 00:31:13,960 That's good. 488 00:31:15,000 --> 00:31:16,036 It's a party! 489 00:31:16,120 --> 00:31:18,954 I feel like I'm playing house. 490 00:31:19,960 --> 00:31:21,838 You wanna play doctor instead? 491 00:31:21,960 --> 00:31:23,440 This place is insane. 492 00:31:24,400 --> 00:31:26,073 - Cheers. - Cheers. 493 00:31:26,160 --> 00:31:28,231 Great to meet you, Holly. 494 00:31:30,000 --> 00:31:31,992 It's Polly, actually. 495 00:31:32,920 --> 00:31:35,719 Right. Polly Hobbie. 496 00:31:43,560 --> 00:31:47,110 Would you excuse me for a minute? I have to go play hostess. 497 00:31:50,480 --> 00:31:51,880 She's better in smaller groups. 498 00:31:51,960 --> 00:31:53,360 Think she'll remember my name then? 499 00:31:53,440 --> 00:31:55,796 Are you being pissy because I'm seeing a woman? 500 00:31:55,880 --> 00:31:58,190 I'm pissy because you're seeing an asshole. 501 00:31:58,280 --> 00:32:00,875 I think you're overreacting a little bit, Molly. 502 00:32:02,000 --> 00:32:03,434 There's a weird energy in here. 503 00:32:03,520 --> 00:32:06,080 Not to mention she's loaded and she's, what, like, 30? 504 00:32:06,160 --> 00:32:07,355 Trust fund? 505 00:32:07,440 --> 00:32:09,397 No, she imports things. 506 00:32:09,480 --> 00:32:13,394 I can't believe you're giving me shit for this. You dated your teacher. 507 00:32:13,480 --> 00:32:15,119 Adjunct professor. 508 00:32:15,600 --> 00:32:20,038 I really like her. 509 00:32:20,920 --> 00:32:22,639 Do you like her or her things? 510 00:32:22,720 --> 00:32:24,951 I get it. You're feeling threatened. 511 00:32:25,040 --> 00:32:27,635 Jesus. Fuck off. I'm just looking out for you. 512 00:32:27,720 --> 00:32:30,474 Well, don't. I'm happy. 513 00:32:30,560 --> 00:32:33,712 Well, then don't expect me to be there when you're not happy anymore. 514 00:32:33,800 --> 00:32:38,079 Okay, I won't expect that. But you will be. Because you love me. 515 00:32:38,160 --> 00:32:40,391 Of course I do, you stupid lesbian. 516 00:32:40,520 --> 00:32:41,874 You spoiled bitch. 517 00:32:43,840 --> 00:32:46,435 I came seven times last night. 518 00:32:46,520 --> 00:32:48,637 Well, that's just excessive. 519 00:32:53,640 --> 00:32:54,756 Beautiful. 520 00:32:55,200 --> 00:32:56,350 Thank you. 521 00:32:57,440 --> 00:32:58,760 You're doing well. 522 00:32:59,640 --> 00:33:01,040 I am. 523 00:33:08,840 --> 00:33:10,593 We'd like to increase your output. 524 00:33:10,680 --> 00:33:13,149 I'm always curious about who "we" is. 525 00:33:14,160 --> 00:33:17,278 Is that like when "they" say that faux fur vests are in this season? 526 00:33:17,360 --> 00:33:18,635 You know what I mean? 527 00:33:18,720 --> 00:33:20,473 No, I don't know what you mean. 528 00:33:24,360 --> 00:33:25,430 How much? 529 00:33:25,520 --> 00:33:27,876 One hundred thousand a month. 530 00:33:28,960 --> 00:33:30,155 Jesus. 531 00:33:30,240 --> 00:33:31,310 What can I say? 532 00:33:31,400 --> 00:33:33,232 We're back in vogue. 533 00:33:34,480 --> 00:33:36,392 Give the people what they want. 534 00:33:36,880 --> 00:33:40,556 Well, I'm gonna need a few more kids and more cash upfront for treats. 535 00:33:40,720 --> 00:33:43,679 Whatever you need, as always. 536 00:33:44,280 --> 00:33:46,476 Kubra will be happy to hear. 537 00:33:47,560 --> 00:33:50,280 We value your role in this organization. 538 00:33:50,680 --> 00:33:53,434 Great. Glad I'm not expendable. 539 00:33:59,200 --> 00:34:01,271 We'll give you a call in a few days to arrange the next drop. 540 00:34:01,400 --> 00:34:04,313 Can't wait. Cheers. 541 00:34:14,920 --> 00:34:16,354 That's a hell of a scar. 542 00:34:18,040 --> 00:34:19,474 Pervert. 543 00:34:21,280 --> 00:34:22,430 I like your tits, too. 544 00:34:25,240 --> 00:34:26,435 Baboon heart? 545 00:34:26,520 --> 00:34:28,910 Bacterial infection. 546 00:34:30,080 --> 00:34:31,150 Endocarditis. 547 00:34:31,240 --> 00:34:34,278 What? Drug pusher/heart surgeon? 548 00:34:34,360 --> 00:34:36,716 Just the former. 549 00:34:36,800 --> 00:34:39,520 It was pretty common among our top customers. 550 00:34:41,840 --> 00:34:43,035 You miss it? 551 00:34:43,120 --> 00:34:45,840 Holy shit. So much. 552 00:34:45,920 --> 00:34:49,709 More than good coffee, more than sleeping in the dark, 553 00:34:49,800 --> 00:34:51,075 more than wearing skirts. 554 00:34:51,160 --> 00:34:52,230 You wore skirts? 555 00:34:52,880 --> 00:34:54,633 Yeah. I loved a good skirt. 556 00:34:57,960 --> 00:34:59,076 You? 557 00:34:59,800 --> 00:35:01,200 I don't miss smack. 558 00:35:02,160 --> 00:35:04,391 I was such a lousy junkie. 559 00:35:04,480 --> 00:35:06,312 Never fully committed. 560 00:35:07,320 --> 00:35:09,312 But the business... 561 00:35:09,400 --> 00:35:11,232 Man, that I miss. 562 00:35:11,320 --> 00:35:14,074 The adrenaline, the power. 563 00:35:17,360 --> 00:35:21,115 Yeah, I miss cooking it. Which makes me an idiot, right? 564 00:35:21,200 --> 00:35:23,760 I'd let it bubble, even though you waste it when you do that. 565 00:35:23,840 --> 00:35:27,038 I just loved the chemistry, you know? The routine. 566 00:35:27,640 --> 00:35:29,677 I am a sucker for ritual. 567 00:35:30,080 --> 00:35:33,994 Look at us, Nichols. Same coin, different sides. 568 00:35:34,400 --> 00:35:36,392 Supply and demand, motherfucker. 569 00:36:01,120 --> 00:36:02,190 Hey, Alex. 570 00:36:12,880 --> 00:36:16,078 An inmate from Litchfield Federal Prison is attempting to contact you. 571 00:36:16,200 --> 00:36:18,635 To accept the call, please press one. 572 00:36:20,400 --> 00:36:23,438 Fine. You caught me on a hormonal upswing. 573 00:36:23,520 --> 00:36:26,558 Plus I need a distraction 'cause I'm in the stirrups. 574 00:36:26,640 --> 00:36:28,154 Am I a good friend or what? 575 00:36:28,240 --> 00:36:31,472 You are. You're the best friend. You are the best friend. 576 00:36:31,560 --> 00:36:33,552 You're my best friend. 577 00:36:35,200 --> 00:36:36,839 I'm so sorry, Pol. 578 00:36:36,920 --> 00:36:37,990 The chicken... 579 00:36:38,240 --> 00:36:41,199 How about we don't talk about the chicken, like, ever again? 580 00:36:41,280 --> 00:36:45,832 It's so weird in here, Polly. I wish I could explain it to you. 581 00:36:45,920 --> 00:36:48,640 Well, I have an asshole alien growing inside me 582 00:36:48,720 --> 00:36:51,792 and I'm waiting for a strange man to put his hand up my vagina, 583 00:36:51,880 --> 00:36:55,191 which I'm pretty sure I prefer to my husband's. 584 00:36:55,280 --> 00:36:56,999 We could have a weird-off. 585 00:36:57,080 --> 00:36:59,117 God, I miss you so much. 586 00:36:59,760 --> 00:37:01,194 I miss you, too, Pipe. 587 00:37:02,680 --> 00:37:05,991 So, Barney's. 588 00:37:06,080 --> 00:37:09,232 Nope. You've forfeited your right to talk about the business for a while. 589 00:37:09,440 --> 00:37:10,954 I'll take care of it from here on out. 590 00:37:11,080 --> 00:37:13,640 You're kidding me? So you're not gonna tell me what's going on? 591 00:37:13,720 --> 00:37:17,031 This is really important to me, Pol. We really need the money and... 592 00:37:17,120 --> 00:37:19,589 Babe, I know. I'll take care of it. 593 00:37:19,960 --> 00:37:23,874 Jesus, you're a felon, I'm fat and miserable. 594 00:37:24,200 --> 00:37:27,272 Who gives a fuck about soap right now? It'll all be fine. 595 00:37:28,480 --> 00:37:29,675 Will it? 596 00:37:29,760 --> 00:37:33,640 I have no fucking clue. Seemed like the right thing to say. 597 00:37:34,400 --> 00:37:36,915 How are things with you and super-cunt? 598 00:37:37,120 --> 00:37:40,079 Fine. Sort of. 599 00:37:42,880 --> 00:37:47,557 I don't know. I feel like I need to tell her that I'm sorry. 600 00:37:47,640 --> 00:37:52,112 I feel like I need to tell everyone that I'm sorry. 601 00:37:52,960 --> 00:37:56,192 Piper Chapman, The Apology Tour. 602 00:37:56,280 --> 00:37:57,555 You care about her? 603 00:37:57,640 --> 00:38:00,109 I mean, no. I just think that it would... 604 00:38:00,200 --> 00:38:03,159 Since we're stuck in here together, it would be easier if we were friends. 605 00:38:03,240 --> 00:38:06,074 If super-cunt replaces me as your best friend, so help me. 606 00:38:06,160 --> 00:38:07,753 Never. 607 00:38:07,840 --> 00:38:10,400 Hey, if your mom's been telling me to rub cocoa butter on my tutu, 608 00:38:10,480 --> 00:38:11,800 what the fuck does she mean? 609 00:38:11,880 --> 00:38:13,917 Oh, Jesus. 610 00:38:14,000 --> 00:38:16,231 She used to call it that when I was little. 611 00:38:16,320 --> 00:38:19,279 A tutu? You heard that one before? 612 00:38:21,840 --> 00:38:22,956 My gynie loves it. 613 00:38:24,440 --> 00:38:25,999 And I love you. 614 00:38:29,000 --> 00:38:30,354 I love you. 615 00:38:33,840 --> 00:38:35,513 So you're done being mad at me? 616 00:38:35,600 --> 00:38:40,436 Yes. Now I've got to get probed. Have a nice rest of your day in prison. 617 00:38:40,520 --> 00:38:42,716 Have a nice time getting your tutu probed. 618 00:39:04,040 --> 00:39:06,874 Don't be yellow, vote for Morello. 619 00:39:06,960 --> 00:39:09,520 My friends, we may be incarcerated, 620 00:39:09,600 --> 00:39:13,310 but that does not mean we're not entitled to fair treatment 621 00:39:13,400 --> 00:39:16,916 and access to comprehensive medical care. 622 00:39:17,040 --> 00:39:18,394 Tuesdays, pizza? 623 00:39:18,480 --> 00:39:21,518 Fuck pizza, we're gonna have Tuesday tacos. 624 00:39:21,600 --> 00:39:24,832 - Tacos, burritos, hot salsa and everything! - This is stupid! 625 00:39:24,920 --> 00:39:27,640 I take care of business. I know what's up, all right? 626 00:39:27,760 --> 00:39:29,080 Hi, ladies, most of y'all know me as Tiffany. 627 00:39:29,160 --> 00:39:32,153 Only a few, Pennsatucky. We're gonna leave it that way. 628 00:39:32,240 --> 00:39:35,472 I hope each and every one of you will allow me to lead you, 629 00:39:35,600 --> 00:39:38,877 in addition to letting me do your weave at a discount! 630 00:39:38,960 --> 00:39:41,031 You all listen to me. I know what's up, all right? 631 00:39:41,120 --> 00:39:42,759 Come on, let's hear it up for the Latino! 632 00:39:45,440 --> 00:39:48,672 As lady president, I'll demand waterbeds for everybody. 633 00:39:48,760 --> 00:39:52,754 We'll be dreamin' like Beyoncé on a yacht every night up in here. 634 00:39:52,840 --> 00:39:55,480 Comprehensive that, bitches! 635 00:39:57,760 --> 00:39:59,240 Yo. You got my shit? 636 00:40:02,240 --> 00:40:03,390 It's comin'. 637 00:40:04,960 --> 00:40:08,112 My cousin paid you for that shit. Ain't it supposed to come in today? 638 00:40:09,000 --> 00:40:10,320 Listen, powder. 639 00:40:11,040 --> 00:40:13,635 If you speak to me again, I will fucking crush you. 640 00:40:14,920 --> 00:40:17,799 It's coming. Chill out. 641 00:40:24,640 --> 00:40:26,836 Well, this is a surprise. 642 00:40:26,960 --> 00:40:29,429 Best entertainment you could hope for around here. 643 00:40:29,520 --> 00:40:30,954 Friday night, we're gonna have salsa night, okay? 644 00:40:31,040 --> 00:40:32,997 I can't live without my conga, okay? 645 00:40:33,080 --> 00:40:36,278 As y'all know, I am a follower of Jesus Christ, 646 00:40:36,360 --> 00:40:37,680 my Lord and my Savior. 647 00:40:39,960 --> 00:40:45,399 And he wants us to spread his word. With force, if necessary. 648 00:40:45,480 --> 00:40:49,030 You know, I'm surprised the Admin is actually letting this happen. 649 00:40:49,120 --> 00:40:51,874 Those boys have awfully short memories. 650 00:40:53,840 --> 00:40:57,117 White girl who won last time got slocked 651 00:40:57,200 --> 00:41:00,796 when she asked the commissary to stock unsalted potato chips 652 00:41:00,880 --> 00:41:02,758 instead of salt and vinegar. 653 00:41:03,520 --> 00:41:05,193 It's not a job you want. 654 00:41:05,280 --> 00:41:09,035 Furthermuch, why don't we have Ultra Sheen in the commissary? 655 00:41:09,120 --> 00:41:10,759 - Why? - You ask me, that shit is racist! 656 00:41:10,840 --> 00:41:12,797 - Fucking racist. - Why you gotta hate black folks? Why? 657 00:41:12,880 --> 00:41:15,600 You do have to admire their effort. 658 00:41:16,440 --> 00:41:19,319 Every damn inmate is here. 659 00:41:23,680 --> 00:41:25,319 I'll see you later. 660 00:41:26,360 --> 00:41:29,990 In closing, let's get some motherfucking fried chicken up in here once in a while! 661 00:41:30,080 --> 00:41:31,480 - Oh, yeah! - Yeah, I said it. 662 00:41:31,560 --> 00:41:32,550 - She said it. - I'm black. 663 00:41:32,680 --> 00:41:33,796 - She's black. - And she black. 664 00:41:33,880 --> 00:41:35,234 - I'm black! - And we like fried chicken. 665 00:41:35,360 --> 00:41:37,431 - Well! - That shit is delicious. 666 00:41:37,520 --> 00:41:42,037 Everybody likes it. Chicken for the people. I rest my case. 667 00:41:44,560 --> 00:41:48,759 Well, I say we should have a "whites only" bathroom! 668 00:41:50,560 --> 00:41:54,998 This ain't The fuckin' Help, bitch, but you will eat my shit. 669 00:42:56,960 --> 00:43:01,512 They call me Taystee 'cause my pussy be delicious 670 00:43:01,640 --> 00:43:04,678 Like an apple it's nutritious Like a Clinton it's ambitious 671 00:43:04,760 --> 00:43:07,753 You wanna mess with all that? Bitch, please 672 00:43:07,840 --> 00:43:10,594 You's a gnat, you'll go splat Best be runnin', stat 673 00:43:16,120 --> 00:43:17,236 Yeah? Well. Yo, yo... 674 00:43:17,320 --> 00:43:19,880 My name is Leanne and I got game 675 00:43:20,120 --> 00:43:22,476 We're here in Litchfield and it's kind of lame 676 00:43:22,800 --> 00:43:28,000 This rapping thing don't seem so hard Ain't like I'm a fucking retard! 677 00:43:36,080 --> 00:43:38,993 Fucking dumbass cracka Should just smack ya 678 00:43:39,360 --> 00:43:42,194 Think you own Jesus? Turns out he was black 679 00:43:42,280 --> 00:43:44,920 The word is ironic Me? I'm deep like Atlantis 680 00:43:45,000 --> 00:43:47,754 Rhyming some chronic shit then pray like a mantis 681 00:43:47,840 --> 00:43:50,435 Matter of fact I'm so done with your white trash ass 682 00:43:50,520 --> 00:43:53,672 Just 'cause you got little tits don't mean you got class 683 00:43:55,760 --> 00:43:56,750 That's my shit! 684 00:44:09,360 --> 00:44:10,510 Hey. 685 00:44:11,240 --> 00:44:12,959 This is crazy... 686 00:44:14,200 --> 00:44:16,192 Go away. 687 00:44:17,680 --> 00:44:18,830 Sorry. 688 00:44:57,040 --> 00:44:59,032 Who wants a piece of Big Boo? 689 00:45:48,840 --> 00:45:51,560 Are we supposed to lie down, Mr. Healy? 690 00:45:59,800 --> 00:46:01,439 Hey. Hi. 691 00:46:01,520 --> 00:46:02,749 Hey. 692 00:46:02,840 --> 00:46:04,035 How are you? 693 00:46:05,000 --> 00:46:08,391 Good. I made you this. 694 00:46:17,160 --> 00:46:20,232 Wow. Thanks. 695 00:46:24,520 --> 00:46:28,230 When I was little, I found this comic book in the trash. 696 00:46:28,320 --> 00:46:31,199 I'd never seen girls who looked like that. 697 00:46:31,720 --> 00:46:35,316 They were like Disney princesses, but prettier. 698 00:46:35,680 --> 00:46:38,240 I liked tracing the drawings a lot. 699 00:46:38,320 --> 00:46:44,840 My friends thought that they were lame, but I liked that they were different. 700 00:46:44,920 --> 00:46:47,992 They weren't like the Sunday comics, you know? 701 00:46:48,680 --> 00:46:51,149 I guess I'm a freak, or whatever. 702 00:46:51,240 --> 00:46:53,835 Not that you're a freak because of your legs. 703 00:46:53,920 --> 00:46:55,320 Leg. 704 00:47:01,400 --> 00:47:04,996 I didn't mean that. I'm sorry. 705 00:47:10,880 --> 00:47:11,996 Does it hurt? 706 00:47:14,000 --> 00:47:17,880 Not anymore. Just a little clumsy sometimes. 707 00:47:18,800 --> 00:47:21,395 Me, too. Sometimes. 708 00:47:31,160 --> 00:47:33,231 Thanks for the advice yesterday. I think she loved it. 709 00:48:07,440 --> 00:48:09,272 Daya. Daya! 710 00:48:23,840 --> 00:48:24,990 It went well. 711 00:48:25,080 --> 00:48:27,800 Yeah. I mean, it... You know. It was great. 712 00:48:28,160 --> 00:48:29,674 Wow! He liked it? 713 00:48:29,800 --> 00:48:31,280 You seem surprised. 714 00:48:31,360 --> 00:48:34,956 Edging? Babe, it's a really... It's a very weird thing to write about. 715 00:48:35,240 --> 00:48:37,038 Weird. Very weird. 716 00:48:37,760 --> 00:48:41,879 Actually, he wants me to write another article. 717 00:48:43,800 --> 00:48:44,870 Really? 718 00:48:44,960 --> 00:48:46,952 Yeah, he thought... 719 00:48:47,040 --> 00:48:50,272 He thought I should write about you. About our experience. 720 00:48:52,480 --> 00:48:54,312 Our experience? 721 00:49:00,840 --> 00:49:02,991 Has it been difficult for you in here? 722 00:49:03,080 --> 00:49:05,515 You know, you're not the only person having a hard time, Piper. 723 00:49:05,680 --> 00:49:07,512 I hate your stern voice. 724 00:49:13,120 --> 00:49:16,318 I'm sorry. I don't mean to take this out on you. 725 00:49:16,440 --> 00:49:18,079 But I... 726 00:49:18,160 --> 00:49:20,470 Could you just give me a little bit of time 727 00:49:20,600 --> 00:49:24,514 to figure out how I feel about you writing an article about me being in here? 728 00:49:24,600 --> 00:49:28,640 Of course. You need to process. 729 00:49:28,720 --> 00:49:32,316 I should respect that. Take some time. 730 00:49:32,400 --> 00:49:36,838 I'm just not sure if I'm ready to be Piper Chapman, the convict fiancée. 731 00:49:36,920 --> 00:49:39,515 But as soon as you write an article, it will all be so... 732 00:49:43,520 --> 00:49:44,510 Public. 733 00:49:44,600 --> 00:49:48,355 I hear ya. I hear ya. 734 00:49:51,200 --> 00:49:53,874 So, is everything going okay with Alex? 735 00:49:54,400 --> 00:49:57,711 Yeah, it's fine. It's good. We don't talk. 736 00:49:58,040 --> 00:50:01,351 Good. That's good. 737 00:50:03,600 --> 00:50:04,875 Diablo! 738 00:50:06,600 --> 00:50:07,636 Diablo? 739 00:50:07,720 --> 00:50:08,949 What? 740 00:50:09,400 --> 00:50:11,039 That lady, that crazy lady. 741 00:50:11,440 --> 00:50:15,753 I found her phone in the bathroom, and there was a picture of her... 742 00:50:16,080 --> 00:50:18,720 And Healy had it printed out on his desk, and the... 743 00:50:20,040 --> 00:50:21,190 Never mind. It's a long story. 744 00:50:21,280 --> 00:50:25,274 Anyway, everybody thinks that she's crazy and that she's talking to herself in there, 745 00:50:25,360 --> 00:50:26,999 but she's not! 746 00:50:27,080 --> 00:50:29,754 She's talking on the phone. To Diablo! 747 00:50:29,880 --> 00:50:31,951 She's been sending him pictures of her tutu. 748 00:50:32,080 --> 00:50:33,309 Whoa! 749 00:50:34,600 --> 00:50:36,751 That's kind of brilliant. 750 00:50:38,600 --> 00:50:40,398 Wait a second. 751 00:50:43,400 --> 00:50:45,198 If you know where her phone is, 752 00:50:46,800 --> 00:50:48,792 can you send me pictures of your tutu? 753 00:50:51,760 --> 00:50:52,750 All right. 754 00:50:53,960 --> 00:50:58,989 Thirty-one for Maritza, 16 for Sophia Burset, 755 00:50:59,080 --> 00:51:03,279 41 for Taystee, 46 for Lorna Morello, 756 00:51:03,360 --> 00:51:05,875 24 for Tiffany, 757 00:51:06,000 --> 00:51:08,640 19 for "Fuck you." 758 00:51:08,880 --> 00:51:12,590 An impressive 28 for Jesus. 759 00:51:13,720 --> 00:51:17,919 You still can't tell the fish kissers who's boss, can you, Samantha? 760 00:51:18,000 --> 00:51:20,515 I've asked you repeatedly not to call me that. 761 00:51:22,200 --> 00:51:24,476 This isn't about giving them power. 762 00:51:25,120 --> 00:51:29,797 This is about your mother telling you, you could take a bath before dinner or after. 763 00:51:30,640 --> 00:51:32,279 You were still gonna get wet, 764 00:51:33,120 --> 00:51:34,952 but you thought you had a choice. 765 00:51:36,360 --> 00:51:38,829 I have no fuckin' idea what that means, 766 00:51:39,360 --> 00:51:43,320 but I do know you just basically built a prisoners' union. 767 00:51:46,840 --> 00:51:47,990 Samantha. 768 00:52:04,160 --> 00:52:06,720 Attention. All maple syrup is now considered contraband 769 00:52:06,800 --> 00:52:08,519 after last week's incident. 770 00:52:10,320 --> 00:52:14,439 The winners of the WAC elections will be announced shortly. Thank you. 771 00:52:15,840 --> 00:52:18,355 Enjoy dinner! Hope it's scrumptious! 772 00:52:19,160 --> 00:52:20,674 I'm real nervous. 773 00:52:21,000 --> 00:52:25,677 I thought the whole idea of Red endorsing you is that you're going to win. 774 00:52:25,840 --> 00:52:28,196 It is. She's just playing coy. It's a talent of hers. 775 00:52:28,840 --> 00:52:31,514 I made Claudette's famous coconut cake 776 00:52:31,600 --> 00:52:34,877 in honor of our new WAC representative. 777 00:52:40,480 --> 00:52:42,119 Should coconut be beige? 778 00:52:44,400 --> 00:52:45,390 Fine. 779 00:52:45,480 --> 00:52:48,234 No cake for you, little girl, big mouth. 780 00:52:55,840 --> 00:52:57,638 Tough love, I guess, huh? 781 00:52:57,720 --> 00:53:00,360 Jesus. I don't know how you deal with her. 782 00:53:02,600 --> 00:53:03,920 Norma's gonna get you some mouthwash. 783 00:53:04,920 --> 00:53:08,436 A clean mouth makes you feel better. 784 00:53:08,520 --> 00:53:10,079 Here. 785 00:53:17,200 --> 00:53:21,638 You gotta hit rock bottom before you know which direction to go in. 786 00:53:22,000 --> 00:53:23,434 Welcome to the floor, kid. 787 00:53:24,800 --> 00:53:27,269 It'll be better from now on. 788 00:53:29,400 --> 00:53:34,111 And what I'll do to you if you use again will hurt a lot more than this. 789 00:53:34,720 --> 00:53:36,677 Remember what I'm saying. 790 00:53:43,120 --> 00:53:45,589 Ladies, attention, please. 791 00:53:47,240 --> 00:53:48,879 How's my hair? 792 00:53:51,160 --> 00:53:52,514 You look great, kid. 793 00:53:54,000 --> 00:53:57,038 Don't worry. You're gonna be great. 794 00:53:58,600 --> 00:54:01,320 Your elected WAC leaders are... 795 00:54:02,560 --> 00:54:03,914 Ruiz... 796 00:54:06,960 --> 00:54:08,519 Which Ruiz? 797 00:54:08,640 --> 00:54:10,279 Maria Ruiz... 798 00:54:11,640 --> 00:54:12,835 - Oh, shit! - What the fuck? 799 00:54:13,120 --> 00:54:14,315 What the fuck? 800 00:54:15,720 --> 00:54:16,756 Jefferson... 801 00:54:16,840 --> 00:54:21,119 Taystee is prison president, bitches! 802 00:54:27,840 --> 00:54:33,359 Chang, who will be representing both the others and the golden girls, 803 00:54:33,960 --> 00:54:35,030 and... 804 00:54:39,760 --> 00:54:42,275 Chapman. 805 00:54:52,840 --> 00:54:54,513 But you didn't even run!