1 00:01:24,360 --> 00:01:28,957 Don't crowd, and do not, under any circumstances, sneeze on me. 2 00:01:29,120 --> 00:01:31,555 I will write you up if you sneeze, 3 00:01:31,640 --> 00:01:35,236 or if you, in any way, get me moist with your fluids. 4 00:01:35,320 --> 00:01:38,870 Please, step back, there's plenty for everyone 5 00:01:38,960 --> 00:01:40,792 till we run out. 6 00:01:41,280 --> 00:01:43,511 Okay, I need to make sure you swallowed that. 7 00:01:43,600 --> 00:01:45,114 Thank you. 8 00:01:50,160 --> 00:01:53,312 I got mad control over my epiglottis. 9 00:02:36,880 --> 00:02:37,916 Here. 10 00:02:39,400 --> 00:02:42,359 Trust me. Have you been out there? 11 00:02:55,360 --> 00:02:57,033 I look like Michael Jackson. 12 00:02:57,200 --> 00:02:58,600 No, I... 13 00:03:00,040 --> 00:03:02,919 I think you've got the wrong skin tone. 14 00:03:03,040 --> 00:03:05,077 I look like Michael Jackson. 15 00:03:27,080 --> 00:03:30,073 Well, if it isn't Litchfield's biggest celebrity. 16 00:03:31,560 --> 00:03:32,835 I don't know what that means. 17 00:03:32,920 --> 00:03:34,240 Excuse me? 18 00:03:34,600 --> 00:03:36,751 I'm sorry, I'm just trying to stay healthy. 19 00:03:37,600 --> 00:03:40,672 Boyfriend wrote quite the article about you. 20 00:03:41,600 --> 00:03:42,590 Larry? 21 00:03:44,720 --> 00:03:48,873 Oh, my God! Oh, my God, is that the Times? 22 00:03:48,960 --> 00:03:50,110 Yep. 23 00:03:50,200 --> 00:03:52,157 He's in the Times? 24 00:03:52,240 --> 00:03:53,560 What did he say? 25 00:03:53,640 --> 00:03:57,156 He went on and on about your enchanting little love story. 26 00:03:57,240 --> 00:04:00,153 May I read it? I mean, I can wait until you're done, obviously. 27 00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:02,800 I had no idea that he would actually make it in there. 28 00:04:04,120 --> 00:04:06,919 Looks like I've already thrown mine away. 29 00:04:15,440 --> 00:04:18,353 Too much coffee irritates the stomach lining. 30 00:04:19,120 --> 00:04:20,190 Trying to cut down. 31 00:04:29,320 --> 00:04:30,276 Inmate! Out of the trash! 32 00:04:30,360 --> 00:04:31,999 - But I just need to get... - Out! 33 00:04:40,160 --> 00:04:41,833 Hey, there, baby bump. 34 00:04:41,920 --> 00:04:46,392 I can't give you the cold medicine, but I have got some menthol cough drops. 35 00:04:46,480 --> 00:04:49,678 Crap. They're somewhere in here. 36 00:04:49,760 --> 00:04:51,513 I don't have a cold. 37 00:04:52,920 --> 00:04:55,674 That's good. Is your back hurting again? 38 00:04:58,520 --> 00:04:59,874 I'm in labor. 39 00:05:00,240 --> 00:05:01,993 Fuck. 40 00:05:23,240 --> 00:05:24,720 Morning, Red. 41 00:05:26,240 --> 00:05:29,472 If you're here to ransack my kitchen again, go ahead. 42 00:05:29,560 --> 00:05:32,280 The shelves could use a little dusting. 43 00:05:32,360 --> 00:05:33,714 Nah. 44 00:05:34,840 --> 00:05:36,559 I'm here to do you a favor. 45 00:05:37,480 --> 00:05:38,834 No, thanks. 46 00:05:41,480 --> 00:05:46,919 One of your little adopted daughters woke up in full-tilt withdrawal this morning. 47 00:05:51,040 --> 00:05:52,872 Withdrawal from what? 48 00:05:54,240 --> 00:05:56,038 My girls are clean. 49 00:05:57,240 --> 00:06:00,074 Well, I guess this one slipped in the mud. 50 00:06:00,800 --> 00:06:04,874 Now that her supply's been compromised, 51 00:06:05,080 --> 00:06:08,391 little Tricia's got a mean old case of the detox blues. 52 00:06:09,240 --> 00:06:12,358 Then it's your fault. Your mess. 53 00:06:12,440 --> 00:06:14,079 You deal with it. 54 00:06:14,240 --> 00:06:15,640 Believe me, 55 00:06:16,400 --> 00:06:20,952 you do not want to see how I would deal with it. 56 00:06:21,640 --> 00:06:25,600 Now, the prison doesn't need a case of the junkie jitters on record, 57 00:06:25,680 --> 00:06:31,392 and I'm pretty sure that you don't want people thinking you've been a bad mommy. 58 00:06:34,120 --> 00:06:36,680 So you're gonna walk her through it. 59 00:06:38,160 --> 00:06:39,674 Quietly. 60 00:06:44,600 --> 00:06:48,958 This whole time, you've been giving it to her. 61 00:06:49,040 --> 00:06:50,918 Really, Red? 62 00:06:51,920 --> 00:06:55,994 At a time like this, does that matter? 63 00:07:00,000 --> 00:07:01,753 I'll take care of it. 64 00:07:33,680 --> 00:07:36,957 It's not about the prices, it's about the books. 65 00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:40,719 We have to move product regularly. 66 00:07:40,800 --> 00:07:43,872 Then, and only then, we can explain other income. 67 00:07:43,960 --> 00:07:46,839 Maybe you're not thinking big enough. 68 00:07:47,840 --> 00:07:49,559 Restaurants come and go, yes? 69 00:07:50,360 --> 00:07:51,840 Look at this place. 70 00:07:52,240 --> 00:07:54,152 Every week, we almost close. 71 00:07:54,520 --> 00:07:56,955 But not schools. Not hospitals. 72 00:07:57,080 --> 00:07:58,070 Galina... 73 00:07:58,160 --> 00:07:59,674 All I'm saying is, 74 00:07:59,760 --> 00:08:02,673 you get something big, something steady, 75 00:08:03,000 --> 00:08:05,071 like the Italians have with the garbage, 76 00:08:05,640 --> 00:08:08,030 then you're not out chasing bids. 77 00:08:08,240 --> 00:08:12,712 My father, he sold candy out of a box. 78 00:08:12,800 --> 00:08:14,393 Every day, up and down the street. 79 00:08:14,480 --> 00:08:16,790 He walked so much he wore holes in his shoes. 80 00:08:17,200 --> 00:08:21,513 Until one day, he passed by an army base, right after the soldiers' lunchtime. 81 00:08:22,200 --> 00:08:27,150 And he realized that all he had to do was stand there and open his box. 82 00:08:27,560 --> 00:08:29,392 He sold out in minutes. 83 00:08:30,120 --> 00:08:33,079 So he did it again, day after day. 84 00:08:33,280 --> 00:08:35,192 There were always soldiers, 85 00:08:35,280 --> 00:08:36,634 there was always lunch, 86 00:08:36,720 --> 00:08:39,280 and they always wanted candy bars. 87 00:08:39,360 --> 00:08:41,431 No more holes in his shoes. 88 00:09:08,560 --> 00:09:10,119 Got enough, bro? 89 00:09:10,600 --> 00:09:13,160 I wrote something in here. A column. 90 00:09:13,280 --> 00:09:15,033 Look. Look, look. 91 00:09:17,040 --> 00:09:19,430 See that? That's me. 92 00:09:20,120 --> 00:09:21,839 - I'm a writer. - No shit. 93 00:09:21,920 --> 00:09:22,910 Yeah. 94 00:09:23,040 --> 00:09:24,110 Arturo! 95 00:09:26,240 --> 00:09:28,118 Dude right here's in the paper. 96 00:09:29,440 --> 00:09:30,396 What'd he do? 97 00:09:30,480 --> 00:09:32,278 Check it. Says he wrote a column! 98 00:09:33,040 --> 00:09:35,953 For real? Yo, that's sick, son! 99 00:09:36,720 --> 00:09:37,756 It is? 100 00:09:37,840 --> 00:09:40,992 Someday you're gonna write the whole paper, bro. 101 00:09:43,000 --> 00:09:44,116 Okay. 102 00:09:44,560 --> 00:09:45,960 Yo, you on Facebook? 103 00:10:00,920 --> 00:10:01,956 Shit. 104 00:10:06,040 --> 00:10:07,030 Hello? 105 00:10:07,120 --> 00:10:09,954 An inmate from Litchfield Federal Prison is attempting to contact you. 106 00:10:10,040 --> 00:10:11,918 To accept this call, please press one. 107 00:10:12,760 --> 00:10:14,353 - Hey. - Larry? 108 00:10:14,440 --> 00:10:15,476 I've got great news. 109 00:10:15,560 --> 00:10:16,835 Hi! I know. 110 00:10:17,000 --> 00:10:19,310 - You know? - Yeah, your article came out today. 111 00:10:19,440 --> 00:10:20,556 Isn't it great? 112 00:10:20,680 --> 00:10:24,196 I mean, I wasn't expecting it, but I got the call last night. 113 00:10:24,280 --> 00:10:25,999 So, apparently they pulled Randy's story 114 00:10:26,080 --> 00:10:28,675 about the surge in home breweries in Brooklyn 115 00:10:28,760 --> 00:10:32,436 because The New Yorker is running one on the surge in home wineries in Brooklyn. 116 00:10:32,520 --> 00:10:33,590 So they ran mine instead. 117 00:10:33,680 --> 00:10:34,875 That's great, honey. 118 00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:36,434 I know. Everyone's been so positive. 119 00:10:36,520 --> 00:10:39,433 My high school English teacher called my parents. 120 00:10:39,520 --> 00:10:42,479 Your brother, he sent me a picture text of a thumbs up. 121 00:10:42,560 --> 00:10:43,880 Can you read it to me? 122 00:10:44,480 --> 00:10:47,598 Want me to read it? I am going to read it. 123 00:10:47,680 --> 00:10:50,149 "One Sentence, Two Prisoners." 124 00:10:50,240 --> 00:10:52,277 That sounds like "Two Girls, One Cup." 125 00:10:52,360 --> 00:10:55,910 No, it doesn't. This is one, two, not two, one. 126 00:10:56,040 --> 00:10:57,872 And no one is shitting in any cup, okay? 127 00:10:57,960 --> 00:11:00,031 I left that part out. Your secret is safe. 128 00:11:00,120 --> 00:11:01,349 Thanks. 129 00:11:02,520 --> 00:11:04,512 Hold on. Another one. 130 00:11:05,040 --> 00:11:07,350 Let's see what it says. It's from Pete. 131 00:11:11,040 --> 00:11:13,396 Porn. He just... He sent porn. 132 00:11:17,120 --> 00:11:19,237 What is that? Is that porn? 133 00:11:21,320 --> 00:11:22,959 Maria might be in labor. 134 00:11:23,040 --> 00:11:24,190 What? 135 00:11:24,440 --> 00:11:26,909 Could you google symptoms of labor? 136 00:11:27,040 --> 00:11:28,394 They're running bets. 137 00:11:28,480 --> 00:11:32,235 If I guess closest to the birth time, I could win a Twix. 138 00:11:32,720 --> 00:11:34,632 I want to make an educated guess. 139 00:11:34,720 --> 00:11:36,200 Isn't there a doctor in there? 140 00:11:36,280 --> 00:11:37,270 There's a nurse. 141 00:11:37,360 --> 00:11:38,635 He says that she's gotta wait till her contractions 142 00:11:38,760 --> 00:11:40,558 are less than a minute apart to go to the hospital. 143 00:11:41,280 --> 00:11:43,476 That's cutting it pretty close. All right, here we go. 144 00:11:44,080 --> 00:11:47,551 Okay, if her cervix has softened, she's definitely in labor. 145 00:11:47,640 --> 00:11:50,075 Larry, how am I supposed to tell if her cervix is soft? 146 00:11:50,200 --> 00:11:53,193 Wait. Crowning. Let's look at crowning. 147 00:11:53,800 --> 00:11:55,234 Jesus Christ. 148 00:11:56,040 --> 00:11:57,190 Yeah. 149 00:11:57,320 --> 00:11:58,959 I'll definitely send that to Pete. 150 00:11:59,080 --> 00:12:02,551 Speaking of whom, he is taking me out for a drink tonight. 151 00:12:02,640 --> 00:12:07,112 Polly, too. And some other people. To celebrate. 152 00:12:07,520 --> 00:12:09,113 Sounds like fun. 153 00:12:11,120 --> 00:12:12,236 Who else is going? 154 00:12:12,320 --> 00:12:15,757 I don't know. Polly made a last-minute Evite so... 155 00:12:15,880 --> 00:12:18,714 So you're having a party. An Evite equals party. 156 00:12:18,840 --> 00:12:20,797 Why didn't you just tell me you were going to a party tonight? 157 00:12:21,360 --> 00:12:22,714 With all of our friends. 158 00:12:22,800 --> 00:12:25,713 You're not here to tell me I can't wear brown shoes with black pants. 159 00:12:25,800 --> 00:12:27,439 It's pretty basic. 160 00:12:28,120 --> 00:12:29,713 I know. Still. 161 00:12:32,720 --> 00:12:34,916 I am really happy for you. 162 00:12:36,640 --> 00:12:38,711 This is a really big thing. 163 00:12:40,280 --> 00:12:42,431 And it deserves to be celebrated. 164 00:12:44,600 --> 00:12:45,954 Yeah, okay. 165 00:12:46,760 --> 00:12:48,956 You're gonna have a great time. 166 00:12:49,960 --> 00:12:51,360 And you deserve that. 167 00:12:54,600 --> 00:12:56,637 And on my end, 168 00:12:57,680 --> 00:13:00,639 I have a really strong shot at a Twix bar. 169 00:13:01,920 --> 00:13:03,274 It's a great day. 170 00:13:04,480 --> 00:13:05,470 Of course. 171 00:13:05,760 --> 00:13:08,036 I have to go to work soon. Can you read me the article? 172 00:13:09,800 --> 00:13:12,599 The rest of the world got to read your story before I did. 173 00:13:12,680 --> 00:13:14,000 Our story. 174 00:13:16,320 --> 00:13:17,436 Okay. 175 00:13:17,520 --> 00:13:18,715 Okay. Here it goes. 176 00:13:18,800 --> 00:13:22,589 "It always starts the same way, with a latte and a bacon scone. 177 00:13:22,680 --> 00:13:24,478 "And then I hit the road..." 178 00:13:26,480 --> 00:13:28,392 - I'ma kill that motherfucker! - The nurse? 179 00:13:28,480 --> 00:13:30,995 My boyfriend. And the nurse, too. 180 00:13:35,600 --> 00:13:36,829 - Time? - It's the same. 181 00:13:36,960 --> 00:13:38,952 He said she cannot come back until they're closer. I'm sorry. 182 00:13:39,040 --> 00:13:40,394 That maricón wouldn't know labor 183 00:13:40,480 --> 00:13:42,233 if that baby popped out and slapped him in the fucking face. 184 00:13:42,320 --> 00:13:43,800 Well, it's not him. It's the rules. 185 00:13:43,880 --> 00:13:45,473 Well, he's the face of the rules. 186 00:13:45,560 --> 00:13:47,313 - Just keep walking, mami. - I'm gonna try. 187 00:13:47,400 --> 00:13:49,960 Here. Had to haggle with las negritas, but I got it. 188 00:13:50,040 --> 00:13:51,076 Got what? 189 00:13:51,160 --> 00:13:53,880 To get Lucy coming out, they made me eat a whole pineapple. 190 00:13:54,440 --> 00:13:55,794 But that's pineapple soda. 191 00:13:55,880 --> 00:13:57,951 You know, for my son, they told me to play with my chichitas. 192 00:13:58,040 --> 00:13:59,838 You know, it just gets the hormones going. 193 00:13:59,920 --> 00:14:01,752 You know, you gotta just twiddle them. You wanna try it? 194 00:14:04,080 --> 00:14:06,640 Come on, less talking. Just breathe. 195 00:14:07,400 --> 00:14:08,550 Okay. Come on. 196 00:14:22,680 --> 00:14:24,000 And then there were two. 197 00:14:24,080 --> 00:14:25,514 Where is everybody? 198 00:14:25,600 --> 00:14:29,071 They're sick. Pussies. I don't believe in getting sick. 199 00:14:30,560 --> 00:14:32,631 - Mind over mucous, huh? - Yeah. 200 00:14:32,720 --> 00:14:35,189 That, and I stockpile from commissary. 201 00:14:35,280 --> 00:14:36,680 I'm on a cough syrup cocktail 202 00:14:36,760 --> 00:14:38,991 that would make Lil Wayne vomit in his dreads. 203 00:14:40,640 --> 00:14:42,438 New reading material. 204 00:14:42,800 --> 00:14:44,951 I'm assuming you're both fluent in Hindi. 205 00:14:45,040 --> 00:14:46,713 I think there are pictures. 206 00:14:48,400 --> 00:14:50,357 There's a broken dryer in the laundry room. 207 00:14:50,440 --> 00:14:52,909 Martha or Maddie or some shit. 208 00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:56,596 I can't keep track of the nicknames. Just take care of it. 209 00:14:57,280 --> 00:14:58,316 How? 210 00:15:00,680 --> 00:15:02,433 Make it not broken. 211 00:15:19,280 --> 00:15:21,317 Man, I'm never gonna get this shit. 212 00:15:21,440 --> 00:15:23,238 The label fell off. 213 00:15:23,440 --> 00:15:26,399 Guide to Bird-Watching. Seven-hundreds? 214 00:15:26,480 --> 00:15:28,437 Five-hundreds. That's science. 215 00:15:28,520 --> 00:15:29,670 But it's a hobby, though. 216 00:15:29,760 --> 00:15:31,638 A hobby about science. 217 00:15:33,480 --> 00:15:34,709 Okay. 218 00:15:36,000 --> 00:15:37,593 So, you gonna tell me how it went, or what? 219 00:15:37,680 --> 00:15:39,034 How what went? 220 00:15:39,120 --> 00:15:41,077 Your bat mitzvah, bitch! What do you think I'm talking about? 221 00:15:41,160 --> 00:15:43,470 I don't know. It went. 222 00:15:44,480 --> 00:15:47,518 A bunch of people I never met looked at my case file. 223 00:15:47,600 --> 00:15:48,875 One guy had a beard. 224 00:15:48,960 --> 00:15:51,520 - They asked you a lot of questions? - Not as many as you. 225 00:15:55,440 --> 00:15:58,478 All right, look. I really appreciate you trying to teach me all this, 226 00:15:58,600 --> 00:16:00,671 getting me assigned and every... 227 00:16:04,840 --> 00:16:08,436 Look, what I mean is, if you don't leave, 228 00:16:08,680 --> 00:16:10,433 I'll just go right back to clean crew. 229 00:16:10,520 --> 00:16:12,079 This your job. I know you like it here. 230 00:16:12,200 --> 00:16:14,476 Don't nobody like it here. 231 00:16:17,240 --> 00:16:18,674 Your hair looked good. 232 00:16:21,320 --> 00:16:22,356 It did. 233 00:16:36,440 --> 00:16:40,195 Attention, all personnel, be advised count is not clear. Please conduct a recount. 234 00:16:42,400 --> 00:16:43,800 Hey, there. 235 00:16:44,560 --> 00:16:45,596 Hey. 236 00:16:46,200 --> 00:16:48,396 Hear you got a broken appliance, ma'am. 237 00:16:49,160 --> 00:16:50,150 Yeah? 238 00:16:50,240 --> 00:16:52,994 A real rusty old thing that needs fixing? 239 00:16:53,160 --> 00:16:56,039 Well, my husband isn't home. He's got the checkbook. 240 00:16:56,160 --> 00:16:58,117 Hopefully there's some way I could pay you. 241 00:16:58,240 --> 00:17:01,790 Well, I have been feeling a little tense lately. 242 00:17:02,240 --> 00:17:05,677 Maybe if I stick my dick in your mouth, it might help me relax. 243 00:17:05,800 --> 00:17:07,473 Oh, God. No, thanks. 244 00:17:07,760 --> 00:17:10,400 What? Too hetero? 245 00:17:11,680 --> 00:17:15,230 Okay. How about "wrench in your twat"? 246 00:17:18,440 --> 00:17:20,830 All right. Well, the broken one's over there, and her name's Myra. 247 00:17:20,920 --> 00:17:22,718 So you can stick your wrench in her twat. 248 00:17:28,720 --> 00:17:30,677 I hate when she sends The Quiet Storm. 249 00:17:30,760 --> 00:17:32,353 Can't she just come over and tap you on the shoulder? 250 00:17:32,440 --> 00:17:36,832 She has an irrational fear of the spin cycle. Won't step foot in here. 251 00:17:36,920 --> 00:17:37,910 I'd better go. 252 00:17:38,000 --> 00:17:40,037 Yeah, well... Mommy needs you. 253 00:17:40,160 --> 00:17:43,915 Can't be that serious. When it's serious, she throws coconuts. 254 00:17:51,240 --> 00:17:52,230 Come on! 255 00:18:01,120 --> 00:18:03,555 You don't look half bad in those. 256 00:18:07,640 --> 00:18:08,710 Thanks. 257 00:18:10,280 --> 00:18:12,033 You sure you know what you're doing? 258 00:18:12,120 --> 00:18:13,554 I have no idea. 259 00:18:13,640 --> 00:18:15,074 Don't lie to me. 260 00:18:15,160 --> 00:18:18,278 She made a mistake, okay? She's 19 years old. 261 00:18:18,360 --> 00:18:22,149 I covered for her when she got here. Just like I did for you. 262 00:18:22,360 --> 00:18:24,113 And I warned her if it ever... 263 00:18:24,200 --> 00:18:25,919 It's not like it's her choice. 264 00:18:26,040 --> 00:18:28,999 I mean, she's an addict, all right? She had a slip. 265 00:18:29,080 --> 00:18:30,480 We can help her. Just give her a chance. 266 00:18:30,560 --> 00:18:33,792 No more chances. Two strikes, that's what she gets. 267 00:18:33,880 --> 00:18:35,758 Russians don't play baseball. 268 00:18:35,840 --> 00:18:37,240 Jesus, with this shit. 269 00:18:37,320 --> 00:18:39,277 She needs to go down, 270 00:18:39,360 --> 00:18:42,478 and whoever she drags down with her deserves it. 271 00:18:45,560 --> 00:18:49,031 You send her down the hill, she's fucked, and you know it. 272 00:18:49,120 --> 00:18:53,080 Okay, you're taking this personally. It's not personal, it's chemical. 273 00:18:53,160 --> 00:18:55,356 Drugs have a way of making you do shit you don't wanna do. 274 00:18:58,000 --> 00:18:59,275 So do I. 275 00:19:08,000 --> 00:19:09,070 Okay. 276 00:19:16,360 --> 00:19:17,999 I look pathetic. I'm aware. 277 00:19:18,080 --> 00:19:20,231 - I wasn't laughing at you. - Right. 278 00:19:20,320 --> 00:19:23,757 Anyway, significantly less funny than the time you fixed our toaster 279 00:19:23,840 --> 00:19:24,990 with a hot glue gun. 280 00:19:29,560 --> 00:19:31,279 - You wanna see something? - What? 281 00:19:31,360 --> 00:19:33,397 Okay, so we don't just do inmate laundry, right? 282 00:19:33,480 --> 00:19:34,516 Right. 283 00:19:34,600 --> 00:19:36,796 Some of the guards drop off their clothes, too. 284 00:19:36,880 --> 00:19:38,473 So, Wanda Bell? 285 00:19:38,560 --> 00:19:40,438 You might remember her as the bloodsucking dragon-cunt? 286 00:19:40,520 --> 00:19:42,398 She works up front, eats souls for fun? 287 00:19:42,480 --> 00:19:46,440 Every once in a while, we find a pair of men's boxers in there. 288 00:19:48,240 --> 00:19:51,312 No big deal. Even Bigfoot's gonna get laid sometimes. 289 00:19:51,640 --> 00:19:55,953 Except these boxers have a name stitched on them like he's a third grader. 290 00:19:57,840 --> 00:20:00,400 No! The guard S. O'Neill? 291 00:20:00,480 --> 00:20:01,596 Drama! 292 00:20:02,080 --> 00:20:04,549 - Where does that belly go? - I don't know. 293 00:20:05,760 --> 00:20:07,479 Hey! Y'all done having fun? 294 00:20:10,600 --> 00:20:12,592 We're just getting started, bitch. 295 00:20:21,240 --> 00:20:23,072 - I should finish fixing that. - You want some help? 296 00:20:25,400 --> 00:20:26,516 No, that's really okay. 297 00:20:26,600 --> 00:20:28,239 I work these machines all day. 298 00:20:29,160 --> 00:20:32,312 I saw Little Sarah get a shot for helping Nicky hold a ladder. 299 00:20:32,400 --> 00:20:33,675 So? 300 00:20:33,960 --> 00:20:36,953 You're laundry, I'm electric. We're from different worlds. 301 00:20:42,200 --> 00:20:43,395 And I don't want any trouble. 302 00:20:43,840 --> 00:20:45,433 Fuck her. 303 00:20:45,880 --> 00:20:49,317 I'm gonna help you, no strings attached. 304 00:21:15,840 --> 00:21:18,958 - How goes it? - I've been better. 305 00:21:19,040 --> 00:21:21,316 If I tell you it gets easier, does that make me corny? 306 00:21:21,440 --> 00:21:22,669 Makes you a liar. 307 00:21:25,200 --> 00:21:29,160 Yeah. Brought you some O.J. Carton, not Simpson. 308 00:21:32,800 --> 00:21:35,360 Man, this clinic my mom dragged me to, 309 00:21:35,480 --> 00:21:37,312 they strapped me down to a bed just like this. 310 00:21:38,720 --> 00:21:42,077 So the nurses hated me, 'cause I kept makin' Exorcist jokes. 311 00:21:42,160 --> 00:21:44,356 "Your mother sucks cocks in hell!" 312 00:21:45,480 --> 00:21:47,199 That shit never gets old, right? 313 00:21:49,800 --> 00:21:51,678 I might actually be lucky this happened now. 314 00:21:51,760 --> 00:21:54,434 Guards just think I got the flu like everyone else. 315 00:21:54,520 --> 00:21:56,989 Well, in two days, you're gonna be wishing you had the flu. 316 00:21:58,600 --> 00:22:01,434 - I'm lucky you're here with me. - Yeah. 317 00:22:01,520 --> 00:22:04,115 And I'll get through it. I'll get back on track. 318 00:22:04,200 --> 00:22:05,759 They won't even find out I was using. 319 00:22:05,840 --> 00:22:06,990 Yes, they will. 320 00:22:07,080 --> 00:22:09,549 Shit, no. Girls got my back, right? 321 00:22:09,960 --> 00:22:12,350 I ain't never snitched nobody, so who's gonna tell 'em? 322 00:22:13,440 --> 00:22:15,591 - You are. - What? 323 00:22:16,000 --> 00:22:18,834 Two strikes. That's all you get. 324 00:22:20,200 --> 00:22:22,510 Red sent me. Says she doesn't play baseball. 325 00:22:22,600 --> 00:22:25,638 I'm quitting, Nicky. Tell her that. Don't make me go down there. 326 00:22:25,720 --> 00:22:26,870 This isn't about you. 327 00:22:27,480 --> 00:22:31,315 Red's fighting a bigger fight. Shit's changing around here. 328 00:22:31,400 --> 00:22:34,074 She is supposed to take care of us. 329 00:22:36,520 --> 00:22:38,113 You're gonna get up. 330 00:22:38,200 --> 00:22:39,600 You're gonna walk down to the CO's office... 331 00:22:39,680 --> 00:22:40,636 Please. 332 00:22:40,720 --> 00:22:42,996 You're gonna tell him you were using and throw yourself on his mercy. 333 00:22:43,080 --> 00:22:44,833 They'll put me in the SHU, and I'll die in there. 334 00:22:44,920 --> 00:22:47,116 You won't die, you'll suffer. 335 00:22:47,920 --> 00:22:51,709 And then you'll come back out. Say what you need to say. 336 00:22:52,240 --> 00:22:54,471 You're supposed to be my family. 337 00:22:56,640 --> 00:22:58,518 Not anymore. 338 00:23:07,040 --> 00:23:10,078 Nicky! Nicky, no! No! 339 00:23:10,560 --> 00:23:13,553 Please. Please! Please, don't go! 340 00:23:14,200 --> 00:23:15,839 Stop. Wait! 341 00:23:15,920 --> 00:23:17,070 Damn. 342 00:23:17,600 --> 00:23:20,274 Está bien, okay? Come on, mam?. Almost there. 343 00:23:20,360 --> 00:23:22,795 - All right. You're doing great. Okay. - Okay. 344 00:23:24,040 --> 00:23:26,919 Just my luck, right? I go into labor the day the fucking plague hits. 345 00:23:27,520 --> 00:23:31,673 They'll be here soon. Just rest. You're gonna need your energy. 346 00:23:32,480 --> 00:23:35,120 You, quiet. She's laboring here. 347 00:23:35,200 --> 00:23:36,634 Is the baby gonna be staying with us? 348 00:23:38,520 --> 00:23:40,193 You see any babies around here? 349 00:23:40,280 --> 00:23:41,475 Besides you? 350 00:23:43,680 --> 00:23:47,993 I'll be back. Breathe. Relax and breathe. 351 00:23:48,680 --> 00:23:50,797 And if you feel like you gotta go to the bathroom, 352 00:23:50,880 --> 00:23:52,234 that's the baby comin'. 353 00:23:52,320 --> 00:23:55,313 Hold it in and pray it doesn't turn out like that one. 354 00:23:56,320 --> 00:23:58,357 Okay? I'll be right back. 355 00:24:02,160 --> 00:24:05,153 Y'all are like a novela. You know that, right? 356 00:24:05,400 --> 00:24:08,074 Y'all are like some cautionary tale shit. 357 00:24:08,160 --> 00:24:10,834 You two should tour high schools for abstinence, 358 00:24:10,920 --> 00:24:14,072 'cause a minute with you two is better than Plan B. 359 00:24:14,960 --> 00:24:15,996 Whatever. 360 00:24:18,160 --> 00:24:21,312 If my daughter ever talked to me that way... 361 00:24:22,160 --> 00:24:24,629 If I ever talk to her that way... 362 00:24:25,120 --> 00:24:27,430 I mean, shit. What's the point? 363 00:24:28,400 --> 00:24:31,677 This world is full enough with bitches trying to kill you. 364 00:24:36,680 --> 00:24:39,878 The hospital van just parked. Let's go have a baby. 365 00:24:43,840 --> 00:24:45,354 Okay, okay. 366 00:24:45,440 --> 00:24:47,591 Good, good, good. Okay. 367 00:24:48,520 --> 00:24:49,874 Oh, my God... 368 00:24:49,960 --> 00:24:52,077 All right, let's get you to the van. 369 00:24:52,160 --> 00:24:54,038 Everything's going to be okay. 370 00:24:57,200 --> 00:24:58,520 Hey... 371 00:24:59,240 --> 00:25:01,311 Okay, so be careful. 372 00:25:01,400 --> 00:25:03,596 Relax. I do this all the time. 373 00:25:04,440 --> 00:25:05,476 Why? 374 00:25:05,560 --> 00:25:07,279 Because it's fucked up. 375 00:25:07,400 --> 00:25:11,679 And when you work with geniuses like I do, the motor gets stuck all the time. 376 00:25:11,760 --> 00:25:12,876 Did you find it? 377 00:25:13,000 --> 00:25:15,037 I don't know. I need a little more light back here. 378 00:25:15,120 --> 00:25:16,759 Okay. How about that? 379 00:25:17,400 --> 00:25:18,880 - Better. - Okay. 380 00:25:21,400 --> 00:25:25,280 So, it looks like the safety lock is connected with a blue wire 381 00:25:25,360 --> 00:25:30,640 to something back there that's got, like, two screws sticking right out of it, 382 00:25:30,720 --> 00:25:33,440 and it's right next to this T-shaped thing. 383 00:25:36,240 --> 00:25:37,230 Damn it! 384 00:25:37,960 --> 00:25:39,758 - Shit! - Shit! 385 00:25:39,840 --> 00:25:41,240 I have to get more batteries. 386 00:25:41,320 --> 00:25:43,994 - Fuck! My glasses fell off. - I'll be right back. 387 00:25:44,080 --> 00:25:49,030 I think I can reach it if I could just angle my fucking hand back there. 388 00:25:51,600 --> 00:25:52,829 What the fuck? 389 00:25:56,640 --> 00:25:57,960 What the hell are you doing? 390 00:25:58,040 --> 00:25:59,440 Who, me? 391 00:26:01,160 --> 00:26:03,720 I'm just getting started, bitch. 392 00:26:18,000 --> 00:26:19,320 Fuck me. 393 00:26:25,720 --> 00:26:27,120 You wanted to see me? 394 00:26:28,480 --> 00:26:29,630 Patricia Miller. 395 00:26:30,240 --> 00:26:34,359 Trailer park all-star with the classy neck tat? 396 00:26:34,440 --> 00:26:35,794 Yeah. 397 00:26:36,080 --> 00:26:40,677 She just got a 100 series shot for a nasty case of the DTs. 398 00:26:42,120 --> 00:26:43,998 Hope they got a lot of mops in the SHU. 399 00:26:45,680 --> 00:26:46,875 Did she say anything? 400 00:26:47,000 --> 00:26:48,673 She just cried and shook. 401 00:26:49,200 --> 00:26:51,760 Thing is, she's been here 10 months. 402 00:26:52,840 --> 00:26:56,231 How come she doesn't go cold turkey a while back? 403 00:26:57,640 --> 00:26:59,120 Something's been getting in here. 404 00:26:59,200 --> 00:27:03,114 I always said, when they first come through, we should check their assholes thoroughly. 405 00:27:03,200 --> 00:27:07,638 If the wrong person realizes there's product moving through this prison... 406 00:27:07,720 --> 00:27:10,758 It's one junkie. It's an isolated thing. 407 00:27:10,840 --> 00:27:15,676 Really? I bet my balls we get 10 more sweating it out by the end of the month. 408 00:27:19,640 --> 00:27:23,759 And if they turn up, the warden's gonna want somebody's head. 409 00:27:25,360 --> 00:27:27,511 And it ain't gonna be mine. 410 00:27:28,800 --> 00:27:31,031 I'm sure it'll all be fine. 411 00:27:31,840 --> 00:27:35,550 Besides, whatever she was doing clearly ran out, right? 412 00:27:36,280 --> 00:27:38,590 So you're good. 413 00:27:39,120 --> 00:27:41,874 Let's see how good I am a week from now. 414 00:27:42,840 --> 00:27:44,752 I hope, for all our sakes, you're right. 415 00:27:48,680 --> 00:27:51,195 And Mendez? Question. 416 00:27:51,880 --> 00:27:53,519 It's off-topic. 417 00:27:53,960 --> 00:27:56,555 I got a look in a bar last night. 418 00:27:57,000 --> 00:27:59,390 This guy... 419 00:28:01,400 --> 00:28:05,792 The mustache. It hasn't become like a gay thing, has it? 420 00:28:07,760 --> 00:28:09,831 No. Fuck, no. Gay! 421 00:28:10,800 --> 00:28:13,918 The 'stache is not for fags, it's for fuckin' men. 422 00:28:14,080 --> 00:28:16,197 - Yeah. - It's fuckin' all-beef, 423 00:28:16,280 --> 00:28:18,511 fucking cunt-ramming awesome. 424 00:28:20,280 --> 00:28:21,475 Okay. 425 00:28:22,640 --> 00:28:24,279 Just checking. 426 00:28:32,200 --> 00:28:34,510 Oh, my God. Alex? 427 00:28:35,200 --> 00:28:36,270 Get me out of here. 428 00:28:36,400 --> 00:28:39,871 What? It's locked. Are you okay? 429 00:28:40,040 --> 00:28:41,076 No! 430 00:28:41,160 --> 00:28:43,072 Maybe I can... 431 00:28:44,400 --> 00:28:45,390 What the hell happened? 432 00:28:45,480 --> 00:28:46,630 It was that fucking meth-head! 433 00:28:47,120 --> 00:28:48,873 - Seriously? - Yes! 434 00:28:49,160 --> 00:28:50,594 - I'm gonna go get help. - No, no, no! No, no, no! 435 00:28:51,720 --> 00:28:52,949 Just open the door. 436 00:28:53,040 --> 00:28:55,191 If they find out that I was helping you, I'm gonna get in trouble. 437 00:28:55,280 --> 00:28:56,430 You said so yourself. 438 00:28:56,520 --> 00:28:58,830 - You offered. - Are you serious? 439 00:28:58,960 --> 00:29:02,271 I told you that this was a bad idea. I did! 440 00:29:02,360 --> 00:29:03,555 - Don't you do that! - Do what? 441 00:29:03,640 --> 00:29:05,597 That thing. Like this is my fault. 442 00:29:05,720 --> 00:29:06,710 You know what I mean. 443 00:29:06,800 --> 00:29:10,191 Like you aren't accountable for anything that ever happens in your life, ever. 444 00:29:10,280 --> 00:29:12,670 Am I supposed to tell them that I made you get into the dryer? 445 00:29:12,760 --> 00:29:15,229 No, I want you to get me out. 446 00:29:15,440 --> 00:29:19,480 Read that manual, unjam the door, step the fuck up! 447 00:29:21,840 --> 00:29:23,274 Wait, Piper, where are you going? 448 00:29:23,400 --> 00:29:25,551 - I'm just gonna go... - No! Don't you go! 449 00:29:25,640 --> 00:29:27,313 Don't you fucking leave me. 450 00:29:37,320 --> 00:29:38,470 Okay. 451 00:29:40,320 --> 00:29:41,356 "Okay," what? 452 00:29:46,480 --> 00:29:47,755 I'm here. 453 00:29:54,680 --> 00:29:58,515 So, this is all of 'em, huh? All the approved vendors? 454 00:29:58,640 --> 00:30:00,711 That's it. Just those five. 455 00:30:01,360 --> 00:30:03,795 Nobody else gets through this gate? 456 00:30:04,160 --> 00:30:06,277 No suspicious delivery guy, 457 00:30:06,360 --> 00:30:09,671 no shady-lookin' mook in a fuckin' tampon truck? 458 00:30:10,000 --> 00:30:13,789 There's creepy linens dude, and the dry goods lady, 459 00:30:13,960 --> 00:30:15,872 the vegetable people. 460 00:30:16,960 --> 00:30:20,556 Sounds like a horror movie, doesn't it? The Vegetable People? 461 00:30:20,640 --> 00:30:25,999 Like a giant celery serial killer, carrying a machete, 462 00:30:26,080 --> 00:30:30,518 or broccoli lightin' shit up with a flame-thrower. 463 00:30:32,440 --> 00:30:35,319 "Who's a smoothie, now, bitches?" 464 00:30:38,720 --> 00:30:40,074 Asshole. 465 00:30:41,080 --> 00:30:42,400 Shit's funny. 466 00:30:43,200 --> 00:30:45,396 - It's almost count time. - I know. I know. 467 00:30:45,840 --> 00:30:47,240 I'm pretty sure I'm suffocating. 468 00:30:50,720 --> 00:30:52,234 - Loud. - Sorry. 469 00:30:55,520 --> 00:30:58,035 So, what, Nicky never came back? 470 00:30:58,560 --> 00:31:01,359 Your girlfriend? No. 471 00:31:03,520 --> 00:31:05,512 - My girlfriend? - Yeah. 472 00:31:06,240 --> 00:31:09,597 - What's that supposed to mean? - Nothing. Never mind. 473 00:31:09,720 --> 00:31:12,280 - No, what do you mean by that? - I said, nothing. I said, never mind. 474 00:31:12,400 --> 00:31:14,357 What, you expect me to wait for you to come around? 475 00:31:14,960 --> 00:31:16,792 - Come around? - Yeah. 476 00:31:16,880 --> 00:31:19,759 As in "get back together" come around? 477 00:31:19,880 --> 00:31:21,678 Are you kidding me? 478 00:31:22,640 --> 00:31:24,518 - I'm engaged. - Right. 479 00:31:25,520 --> 00:31:27,955 You know what? Do not confuse this. 480 00:31:28,960 --> 00:31:34,877 Maybe, just maybe, we will get friendly again. Maybe. 481 00:31:34,960 --> 00:31:36,838 - We were never friends, Piper. - We weren't... 482 00:31:36,920 --> 00:31:39,310 No. Not for a second. 483 00:31:40,200 --> 00:31:43,750 I loved you, I loved having sex with you. 484 00:31:48,120 --> 00:31:50,874 And more importantly, I am not suggesting that I want you back, 485 00:31:50,960 --> 00:31:52,360 you Park Slope narcissist. 486 00:31:52,440 --> 00:31:56,116 I mean for you to come around like an actual human being. 487 00:31:56,200 --> 00:31:58,920 And not with some hollow bullshit apology, 488 00:31:59,000 --> 00:32:02,789 or that cute little sad face that might work on your fucking boyfriend. 489 00:32:04,080 --> 00:32:07,039 I've been waiting for you to come around, and treat me like an actual human being 490 00:32:07,120 --> 00:32:09,715 and realize what a fucking horse's ass you've been. 491 00:32:09,800 --> 00:32:12,395 - I've been a horse's ass? - Fuck, yeah! 492 00:32:12,480 --> 00:32:14,949 Fuck you! And this dryer! 493 00:32:15,040 --> 00:32:19,592 This fucking shitty piece of goddamn dryer! 494 00:32:21,000 --> 00:32:21,990 Dryer! 495 00:32:23,800 --> 00:32:25,473 So abusive. 496 00:32:26,440 --> 00:32:29,274 Maybe if you tried talking nice to it, 497 00:32:29,360 --> 00:32:34,560 or if you took your top off and rubbed up against it. 498 00:32:34,680 --> 00:32:36,478 Might pop open then, right, huh? 499 00:32:38,600 --> 00:32:39,716 Shit. 500 00:32:45,840 --> 00:32:47,069 What the hell's going on? 501 00:32:47,360 --> 00:32:48,430 Fuck. 502 00:32:51,200 --> 00:32:52,839 Where was it we're going? 503 00:32:52,920 --> 00:32:54,957 Wherever I tell you to go. 504 00:32:56,040 --> 00:33:00,717 Okay. It's just, I'm not supposed to be this far from camp. 505 00:33:02,200 --> 00:33:05,830 You're not supposed to wear that pretty whore lipstick either, 506 00:33:06,640 --> 00:33:07,869 but you do, don't ya? 507 00:33:18,080 --> 00:33:19,309 Yeah, stop here. 508 00:33:23,320 --> 00:33:24,993 Shut the car off. 509 00:33:37,040 --> 00:33:38,872 The old Moscow mule. 510 00:33:39,920 --> 00:33:40,990 Red? 511 00:33:41,120 --> 00:33:43,077 She's got a way of bringing stuff in. 512 00:33:44,080 --> 00:33:47,915 It's not really up to code. Do you know what I mean? 513 00:33:48,200 --> 00:33:49,429 No. 514 00:33:49,920 --> 00:33:52,151 I need to know how. 515 00:33:55,560 --> 00:33:57,756 I don't know what you're talking about. 516 00:33:57,840 --> 00:34:00,514 I drive, I don't work kitchen. 517 00:34:00,640 --> 00:34:03,280 I know. You're afraid of her. 518 00:34:06,880 --> 00:34:10,760 Shit, I don't blame you. 519 00:34:11,800 --> 00:34:14,156 But you know what? 520 00:34:17,640 --> 00:34:23,671 There are things out here much worse than some scary Russian bitch. 521 00:34:29,160 --> 00:34:32,039 I'm gonna ask you again. Nicely. 522 00:34:33,600 --> 00:34:38,800 And then the third time, it's not gonna be very nice. 523 00:34:40,800 --> 00:34:41,995 For you. 524 00:34:45,280 --> 00:34:46,680 I told you. 525 00:34:47,960 --> 00:34:50,111 I don't know what she does. 526 00:34:50,200 --> 00:34:52,840 I drive, and I do what I need to do. 527 00:34:56,480 --> 00:35:00,679 And I can't help you 'cause I really don't know. 528 00:35:03,160 --> 00:35:06,153 So you do whatever. 529 00:35:08,320 --> 00:35:11,233 I can't tell you what I don't know. 530 00:35:26,960 --> 00:35:28,952 Start the car, inmate. 531 00:35:29,200 --> 00:35:31,237 You're too far from camp. 532 00:35:38,840 --> 00:35:41,560 I mean, what exactly were you two doing? 533 00:35:41,640 --> 00:35:42,596 When I got there, 534 00:35:42,680 --> 00:35:44,956 the blonde one was screaming and the hot one was stuck inside. 535 00:35:45,080 --> 00:35:46,275 - The hot one? - The hot one? 536 00:35:48,840 --> 00:35:50,638 You can go, Luchek. 537 00:35:51,240 --> 00:35:53,994 Okay. And it's Luschek. 538 00:35:55,720 --> 00:35:57,552 Like a "loose check." 539 00:36:00,120 --> 00:36:03,192 How long have I worked here, man? God! 540 00:36:04,360 --> 00:36:06,556 Mr. Healy, it was... I asked her. 541 00:36:06,640 --> 00:36:08,711 - No, I... Look, I volunteered. - No, no, no. I asked her. 542 00:36:08,800 --> 00:36:09,950 She works in the laundry room, 543 00:36:10,040 --> 00:36:12,600 so I figured she knew more about the machines than I did. 544 00:36:12,680 --> 00:36:16,435 I know that I wasn't supposed to, but I did. 545 00:36:16,760 --> 00:36:18,194 - This is my fault. - No. Mr. Healy... 546 00:36:18,400 --> 00:36:19,550 Now, just shut up. 547 00:36:24,040 --> 00:36:28,512 A couple of years ago, we found two women naked from the waist down, 548 00:36:28,600 --> 00:36:31,752 sitting on those dryers for their own enjoyment. 549 00:36:34,280 --> 00:36:36,875 You wouldn't happen to have been doing anything like that, would you? 550 00:36:38,320 --> 00:36:41,154 I'm more of a dishwasher kind of gal, sir. 551 00:36:42,360 --> 00:36:44,192 - What? - Nothing. 552 00:36:50,880 --> 00:36:52,519 Glad you're making new friends, Chapman. 553 00:36:53,760 --> 00:36:54,989 I'm writing you both a shot. 554 00:36:55,080 --> 00:36:56,912 Now get the hell out of my office. 555 00:37:00,720 --> 00:37:02,074 Chapman. 556 00:37:02,960 --> 00:37:06,271 You think if I wrote stories about you, I might make the papers? 557 00:37:08,120 --> 00:37:11,079 'Cause I'm gathering a nice collection here. 558 00:37:15,760 --> 00:37:19,436 Due to repairs, clean clothes can be picked up tomorrow. 559 00:37:29,960 --> 00:37:32,714 You moved her in? The fuck is she doing? 560 00:37:32,800 --> 00:37:36,271 What I told her to do. And watch your tone. 561 00:37:36,360 --> 00:37:38,192 It's my bunk, too. I get no say in this? 562 00:37:38,280 --> 00:37:41,034 No one gets a say. She was assigned by her counselor. 563 00:37:41,120 --> 00:37:42,190 And she'll be good for you. 564 00:37:42,320 --> 00:37:45,119 - She never talks. - You might learn something. 565 00:37:49,760 --> 00:37:51,433 I've got friends of my own, you know. 566 00:37:51,520 --> 00:37:52,636 There's other people in this prison, 567 00:37:52,720 --> 00:37:54,632 not just the ones who drink your goddamn Kool-Aid. 568 00:37:54,760 --> 00:37:58,800 Are you finished? You're starting to sound finished. 569 00:38:06,800 --> 00:38:08,120 What, huh? 570 00:39:01,880 --> 00:39:06,352 Anyway, our guy looked into the government contracts thing. 571 00:39:06,440 --> 00:39:08,830 - Schools, hospitals. - Yeah? 572 00:39:08,920 --> 00:39:10,957 Looks like we'll be able to work something out. 573 00:39:18,400 --> 00:39:22,474 To this motherfucking wanker right here. 574 00:39:22,600 --> 00:39:23,875 Here we go. 575 00:39:23,960 --> 00:39:28,716 To the first of many articles in world-class publishing and the like. 576 00:39:28,960 --> 00:39:33,352 After this comes the book deal, and then the movie deal, 577 00:39:33,640 --> 00:39:37,919 and then the inevitable sexual harassment scandal. 578 00:39:40,880 --> 00:39:42,678 Big-time newspaperman. 579 00:39:46,240 --> 00:39:48,277 - Cheers. - Cheers. 580 00:39:50,440 --> 00:39:52,591 Thank you. Thank you, guys. 581 00:40:00,080 --> 00:40:01,400 It's my shout. 582 00:40:02,960 --> 00:40:04,280 You having an okay time? 583 00:40:05,440 --> 00:40:09,559 What? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course. 584 00:40:11,800 --> 00:40:15,316 This is great. Really, Polly, thank you. 585 00:40:15,400 --> 00:40:17,312 This is awesome. 586 00:40:17,400 --> 00:40:19,551 It must be hard without her. 587 00:40:19,640 --> 00:40:20,676 You have no idea. 588 00:40:20,760 --> 00:40:22,274 She'd want you to have a good time, I'm sure. 589 00:40:22,360 --> 00:40:23,840 Yeah, I know. 590 00:40:23,960 --> 00:40:25,838 - Doesn't make it any easier, though. - Right. 591 00:40:25,960 --> 00:40:27,394 Probably makes it harder. 592 00:40:27,480 --> 00:40:28,914 Bingo. 593 00:40:31,560 --> 00:40:34,155 I know I should be feeling thrilled right now. 594 00:40:34,760 --> 00:40:39,471 I'm in print, I'm young-ish. 595 00:40:40,320 --> 00:40:43,597 And I'm healthy. Also "ish." 596 00:40:45,480 --> 00:40:51,590 I'm alive. I'm a living, breathing thing, and it's really... 597 00:40:51,680 --> 00:40:53,876 It's overwhelming how lucky I am. 598 00:40:55,680 --> 00:40:59,151 But yet every night I go to bed, 599 00:41:00,000 --> 00:41:01,798 and I have this gnawing feeling. 600 00:41:01,880 --> 00:41:04,793 Like what I've got is not enough. 601 00:41:05,680 --> 00:41:07,956 And every morning I wake up thinking the feeling'll be gone, 602 00:41:08,040 --> 00:41:10,953 but it's not. 603 00:41:13,640 --> 00:41:16,758 Does that make me a selfish, 604 00:41:16,840 --> 00:41:20,754 fucking ungrateful douche bag? 605 00:41:22,760 --> 00:41:24,080 Larry, honey... 606 00:41:25,720 --> 00:41:27,040 Take me to the hospital. 607 00:41:27,560 --> 00:41:29,711 - Now? Now? - Now. 608 00:41:31,840 --> 00:41:33,718 This fiancé of yours... 609 00:41:36,200 --> 00:41:38,271 What's it like when he comes to visit? 610 00:41:38,720 --> 00:41:40,040 It's good. 611 00:41:44,720 --> 00:41:46,279 It's weird. 612 00:41:50,120 --> 00:41:54,080 Sometimes it feels like there's never enough time, 613 00:41:55,640 --> 00:41:57,438 and then sometimes 614 00:41:58,760 --> 00:42:00,877 it feels like 615 00:42:00,960 --> 00:42:04,397 there's actually too much. 616 00:42:04,800 --> 00:42:06,029 What do you mean by that? 617 00:42:06,200 --> 00:42:09,511 There's no menu, or basket of bread on the table, 618 00:42:10,480 --> 00:42:12,233 or TV to glance at. 619 00:42:13,360 --> 00:42:17,400 It's just us, looking at each other, 620 00:42:17,760 --> 00:42:19,433 which can be great. 621 00:42:20,920 --> 00:42:22,593 And it should be. 622 00:42:24,720 --> 00:42:26,359 But sometimes... 623 00:42:30,840 --> 00:42:33,594 You just need to look away. 624 00:42:38,320 --> 00:42:41,597 Someone told me that you never have had a visitor. 625 00:42:44,560 --> 00:42:46,358 Can I ask why? 626 00:42:53,680 --> 00:42:56,036 I guess I just had to look away. 627 00:43:05,280 --> 00:43:06,316 Larry? 628 00:43:07,320 --> 00:43:09,357 Hey. I'm just relaxing, being normal. 629 00:43:09,480 --> 00:43:10,596 Reading about... 630 00:43:12,800 --> 00:43:16,316 Piper, that's my rinsing cup. Piper, you put a pee stick in my rinsing cup. 631 00:43:16,440 --> 00:43:19,558 Well, you put your pee stick in my vagina. And that's why we're in this situation. 632 00:43:19,640 --> 00:43:22,917 I love it when you call my mighty staff a pee stick. 633 00:43:25,960 --> 00:43:27,997 I think I might want it. 634 00:43:29,960 --> 00:43:31,553 My mighty staff? 635 00:43:33,880 --> 00:43:35,155 Piper, there is no "it" yet. 636 00:43:35,280 --> 00:43:36,839 I know. But if there is... 637 00:43:40,200 --> 00:43:41,793 You're going to prison in three months. 638 00:43:41,880 --> 00:43:43,792 I know. I could be pregnant while I'm in prison. 639 00:43:43,880 --> 00:43:45,439 What else am I gonna be doing in there? 640 00:43:45,560 --> 00:43:49,395 How did we go from not talking about kids at all to starting a prison family? 641 00:43:49,560 --> 00:43:51,791 People are always saying that there's never a perfect time. 642 00:43:51,880 --> 00:43:55,794 Okay, I'm not sure that our current situation applies here. 643 00:43:58,880 --> 00:44:00,997 Are we at least gonna talk about other options? 644 00:44:03,080 --> 00:44:04,116 You mean... 645 00:44:04,680 --> 00:44:07,354 It's not Voldemort. You can say it. Abortion. 646 00:44:09,040 --> 00:44:12,590 Look, not... Okay, not that I'd insist, Piper. Okay? I... 647 00:44:13,360 --> 00:44:16,353 Your body, yourself. It's a wonderland. 648 00:44:16,440 --> 00:44:17,920 I just... 649 00:44:19,200 --> 00:44:24,036 I'm just... I'm still stuck in the mindset that I've been in for so long. I don't... 650 00:44:24,240 --> 00:44:26,709 Like when Polly and Pete told us, 651 00:44:27,440 --> 00:44:30,274 I felt panicked for them before I remembered 652 00:44:30,360 --> 00:44:32,192 that people actually want to get pregnant now. 653 00:44:32,280 --> 00:44:34,192 So you're saying that you don't want it. 654 00:44:35,600 --> 00:44:38,240 I want to have a family with you, Piper. Of course. 655 00:44:38,360 --> 00:44:40,829 So, listen. You know all those conversations 656 00:44:40,920 --> 00:44:45,597 that we've had about making my time in there meaningful? 657 00:44:47,560 --> 00:44:50,837 Well, we could, we could start a new future now, 658 00:44:50,920 --> 00:44:51,910 instead of waiting. 659 00:44:53,920 --> 00:44:57,994 Piper, the baby would come home, and you would still be in jail. 660 00:45:00,640 --> 00:45:03,951 Let's see what the pee stick has to say about this. 661 00:45:14,840 --> 00:45:16,194 I feel sad. 662 00:45:18,600 --> 00:45:20,432 I feel sad that you feel sad. 663 00:45:30,400 --> 00:45:33,677 He's beautiful. I mean, I don't know. 664 00:45:33,760 --> 00:45:36,275 That's what you're supposed to say, right? It's a baby. 665 00:45:36,360 --> 00:45:37,430 You have to say it's amazing. 666 00:45:37,520 --> 00:45:40,638 I mean, you can't say, "It's amazing how much he looks like John Goodman." 667 00:45:40,800 --> 00:45:43,031 Okay, so tell me everything. From the very beginning. 668 00:45:43,120 --> 00:45:44,190 You got Polly into the... 669 00:45:44,280 --> 00:45:45,953 I got Polly in, she's changing into her gown, 670 00:45:46,040 --> 00:45:47,679 and she's like, "Where's Pete? Where the hell is Pete?" 671 00:45:47,760 --> 00:45:51,436 So I go out and he's not in the waiting room, he's not in the lobby. 672 00:45:51,560 --> 00:45:54,792 I look outside. He is... He's on the ground, Piper. 673 00:45:54,880 --> 00:45:57,793 He's on the fucking pavement, wrestling with the cab driver. 674 00:45:57,960 --> 00:46:00,395 - Jesus! - Yeah. He left his credit card at the bar. 675 00:46:00,480 --> 00:46:03,712 And I can't pay the guy, 'cause of course Pete had done his whole, 676 00:46:03,800 --> 00:46:06,360 you know, "Don't bring a cent. Your money's no good here. 677 00:46:06,440 --> 00:46:07,669 "Tonight is your night, mate," 678 00:46:07,760 --> 00:46:11,071 so I had to let the guy run the meter until Polly's dad got there. 679 00:46:11,160 --> 00:46:14,198 And Polly's dad rolled his eyes, 'cause... 680 00:46:14,280 --> 00:46:15,839 Of course he rolled his fucking eyes! 681 00:46:15,960 --> 00:46:18,077 And I'm like, "P.S., dickhead, I just saved your grandchild 682 00:46:18,160 --> 00:46:22,074 "from being born on a gin-soaked shuffleboard table. You're welcome." 683 00:46:22,160 --> 00:46:23,719 Did she get the extra stitch? 684 00:46:24,880 --> 00:46:25,996 I don't know what that is. 685 00:46:26,080 --> 00:46:28,151 But everyone was asking about you, Pipes. 686 00:46:28,240 --> 00:46:30,038 I mean, everyone at the bar. 687 00:46:30,120 --> 00:46:32,635 Literally every chance they got. 688 00:46:32,720 --> 00:46:34,313 People like you, Piper Chapman. 689 00:46:35,720 --> 00:46:36,870 Even people that haven't met you. 690 00:46:37,000 --> 00:46:39,390 One of Polly's friends? She said she felt like she knows you 691 00:46:39,480 --> 00:46:41,517 because of how well I captured your spirit. 692 00:46:45,040 --> 00:46:46,838 She doesn't know me. 693 00:46:49,880 --> 00:46:52,475 That girl that you wrote about? That's not me. 694 00:46:52,560 --> 00:46:53,880 What do you mean? 695 00:46:59,040 --> 00:47:00,440 Nothing. 696 00:47:03,440 --> 00:47:06,194 Do you think that I'm a narcissist or a horse's ass? 697 00:47:06,280 --> 00:47:09,751 What? No, of course not. Why would you say that? 698 00:47:13,080 --> 00:47:14,878 I missed your party. 699 00:47:17,800 --> 00:47:20,360 I couldn't get the dryer open. 700 00:47:21,200 --> 00:47:24,637 And I wasn't there when my best friend had her baby. 701 00:47:26,560 --> 00:47:28,313 It's just shitty. 702 00:47:31,880 --> 00:47:33,109 I know. 703 00:48:06,400 --> 00:48:07,436 I got her. 704 00:48:56,160 --> 00:48:57,594 This room is for prayer. 705 00:48:57,680 --> 00:48:59,034 Never heard of it. 706 00:49:00,640 --> 00:49:01,915 We need to talk. 707 00:49:07,000 --> 00:49:09,231 Heard about your old roommate. 708 00:49:09,320 --> 00:49:11,960 Sent down to seg, and an extended sentence. 709 00:49:12,040 --> 00:49:13,360 It's a raw deal. 710 00:49:14,160 --> 00:49:15,276 Yeah. 711 00:49:17,360 --> 00:49:19,670 I got a couple questions that I need to ask you. 712 00:49:19,760 --> 00:49:21,752 I think you may know the answers to 'em. 713 00:49:21,840 --> 00:49:24,992 About Red and the way that she runs her business. 714 00:49:31,480 --> 00:49:34,279 And I would think that a smart, savvy person like yourself 715 00:49:34,360 --> 00:49:37,432 - would know an opportunity... - Neptune's Produce. 716 00:49:37,520 --> 00:49:39,751 You wanna know how she gets the contraband in? 717 00:49:39,840 --> 00:49:43,072 That's it. Now leave me the fuck alone. 718 00:49:56,200 --> 00:50:00,399 Reminder, ladies, to wash your hands, and do not share towels. 719 00:50:01,240 --> 00:50:03,800 Clean ladies are healthy ladies. 720 00:50:08,720 --> 00:50:12,031 - I know, right? All right. - Later. 721 00:50:23,840 --> 00:50:25,320 What's up, T? 722 00:50:30,080 --> 00:50:32,993 Yo, we gotta get some hot sauce in this bitch, like you said, man. 723 00:50:33,080 --> 00:50:35,549 Tapatio, Texas Pete... Shit, I don't even care. 724 00:50:36,880 --> 00:50:40,999 Yo, if that shit don't come through soon, you gotta start filibustin' the WAC. 725 00:50:41,080 --> 00:50:42,833 I heard back from the board. 726 00:50:45,520 --> 00:50:48,035 Yo, T, them motherfuckers don't know shit. You know that. 727 00:50:48,120 --> 00:50:49,600 I'm getting out. 728 00:50:52,160 --> 00:50:53,389 Wait, you ain't playin'? 729 00:50:53,600 --> 00:50:54,590 No. 730 00:50:57,920 --> 00:50:59,400 Tays! 731 00:51:01,760 --> 00:51:03,240 Oh, my... 732 00:51:11,400 --> 00:51:15,519 Mail delivery will be delayed as letters are being screened for anthrax. 733 00:51:16,280 --> 00:51:18,795 So, you have experience in kitchens. 734 00:51:19,600 --> 00:51:21,353 Food preparation? 735 00:51:23,200 --> 00:51:24,998 Some experience. Yes. 736 00:51:26,000 --> 00:51:28,196 Maybe we can get you a job in here. 737 00:51:28,280 --> 00:51:31,512 You know, Angie, our last cook, she's no longer with us. 738 00:51:31,600 --> 00:51:32,954 She got out? 739 00:51:34,160 --> 00:51:36,391 Yeah, something like that. 740 00:51:39,520 --> 00:51:41,000 Romano? 741 00:51:45,480 --> 00:51:47,073 - Reznikov. - Red. 742 00:51:47,640 --> 00:51:49,632 Show her the ropes tomorrow. 743 00:51:49,720 --> 00:51:51,518 I look forward to it. 744 00:52:02,880 --> 00:52:05,475 Okay. Let me show you around over here. 745 00:52:24,560 --> 00:52:25,835 Got a minute there, cowboy? 746 00:52:25,920 --> 00:52:27,070 Everything okay? 747 00:52:27,200 --> 00:52:31,035 Of course it is. We just gotta have a little talk, you and me. 748 00:52:43,200 --> 00:52:44,520 Go ahead. 749 00:52:56,760 --> 00:52:57,910 You sick, too? 750 00:53:02,560 --> 00:53:04,472 Yeah, it got me a day late. 751 00:53:04,960 --> 00:53:06,155 Sorry. 752 00:53:11,920 --> 00:53:14,480 What, are you a vampire now? Do you need an invitation? 753 00:53:16,800 --> 00:53:20,510 - Not too close, though. I'm contagious. - I know. 754 00:53:25,560 --> 00:53:29,679 I'm plotting my revenge on that redneck fucking Deliverance extra. 755 00:53:29,760 --> 00:53:31,274 If you want in. 756 00:53:31,560 --> 00:53:32,710 Maybe. 757 00:53:36,440 --> 00:53:39,000 You seem depressed. Even for prison. 758 00:53:41,400 --> 00:53:45,872 You know, if you ever wanna talk about it, that's what the counselors are for. 759 00:53:53,080 --> 00:53:56,391 Personally, I went on sad drugs when I got here, 760 00:53:56,480 --> 00:53:58,073 and they worked for a while, 761 00:53:58,160 --> 00:54:01,597 but now I just cheek 'em and trade 'em for black eyeliner. 762 00:54:04,160 --> 00:54:06,311 They make me constipated. 763 00:54:06,560 --> 00:54:10,349 I would rather shit and cry than strain and nap all the time. 764 00:54:13,320 --> 00:54:14,834 What's wrong? 765 00:54:15,760 --> 00:54:16,796 Really. 766 00:54:18,120 --> 00:54:20,191 He wrote an article about me. 767 00:54:20,280 --> 00:54:21,634 The fiancé? 768 00:54:23,360 --> 00:54:25,113 "One Sentence, Two Prisoners." 769 00:54:25,240 --> 00:54:27,596 - It's a terrible title. - I know. 770 00:54:27,760 --> 00:54:30,594 And I'm happy for him, but he got... 771 00:54:31,480 --> 00:54:35,952 He got so much of it so wrong. 772 00:54:38,720 --> 00:54:40,996 I'm not somebody's girlfriend. 773 00:54:44,000 --> 00:54:47,789 I'm not some cool story at a yuppie fucking cocktail party. 774 00:54:47,880 --> 00:54:50,714 "You did a year in the Peace Corps? I did a year in prison." 775 00:54:51,280 --> 00:54:52,919 Fuck, no! 776 00:54:53,240 --> 00:54:57,519 Those things we did, you and me, that wasn't adventure or a romp. 777 00:55:04,680 --> 00:55:06,478 That was my life. 778 00:55:12,160 --> 00:55:13,594 You want me to kill him? 779 00:55:16,920 --> 00:55:19,754 I may be a sick lesbian in a prison bunk, 780 00:55:19,840 --> 00:55:22,514 but I got a couple tricks up my sleeve. 781 00:55:27,040 --> 00:55:29,430 I feel like I am missing so much. 782 00:55:33,360 --> 00:55:34,635 Me, too. 783 00:55:55,080 --> 00:55:56,639 Why are you making that face? 784 00:56:04,160 --> 00:56:05,389 Shit. 785 00:56:16,280 --> 00:56:19,671 I brought you this. In case you throw up. 786 00:56:20,320 --> 00:56:22,880 Keep it there till you feel better. 787 00:56:23,000 --> 00:56:24,070 Thanks. 788 00:56:26,440 --> 00:56:28,272 - She have the baby? - Yeah. 789 00:56:29,000 --> 00:56:30,434 11:53 p.m. 790 00:56:30,880 --> 00:56:33,873 Some blanca guesser bitch won the Twix. 791 00:56:45,480 --> 00:56:46,516 Fine. 792 00:56:47,720 --> 00:56:52,476 Everyone else seems to be getting over it. I should be back to normal soon. 793 00:56:53,480 --> 00:56:55,039 You ain't got what everybody else has. 794 00:56:55,120 --> 00:56:56,349 How do you know? 795 00:56:56,440 --> 00:56:59,000 'Cause your tits are popping out of your shirt. 796 00:56:59,080 --> 00:57:01,879 Same shit happened to me every fuckin' time. 797 00:57:01,960 --> 00:57:03,235 Every time what? 798 00:57:05,040 --> 00:57:06,679 You'll feel better in nine months.