'Now nobody's saying the Chatsworth Estate is the garden of Eden
'but it's been a good home to us - me, Frank Gallagher,
'and me kids who l'm proud of,
'cos every single one of them reminds me a little of me.
'They can all think for themselves, which they've me to thank for.'
- Run! Run for it! - Leg it!
'Fiona, who's a massive help,
'Lip, who's a bit of a gobshite, which is why nobody calls him Philip now,
'Ian, a lot like his mam,
'which is handy for the others cos she's disappeared into thin air,
'and Carl - we daren't let him grow his hair
'cos it stands on end and makes him look like Toyah and nits love it.
'Debbie - sent by God. Total angel.
'You've to check your change but she'll go miles out of her way to do you a favour.
'Plus Liam - gonna be a star once we've got the fits under control.
'Steve, Fiona's boyfriend.
'The truth is out there... Not!
'Fantastic neighbours Kev and Veronica. Lend you anything. Well, not anything.
'But all of them to a man know, first and foremost,
'one of the most vital necessities in this life
'is they know how to throw a party!
'Scatter!'
(Sheila) 'The thing l love about living with Frank, life's full of surprises.
'Biggest, of course, is that he has three testicles.
'We're never short of a giggle on a rainy day!
'And no matter how long Frank spends with his family,
'he never seems to know how many there are.'
Frank?
Smell that?
What, me?
Tuna.
No?!
Tuna sandwiches.
Come at a bad time?
Karen, no-one knocks on the back door unless it's trouble.
Just moved into a flat on Pinder Street.
l'm a bit stuck till l find someone to share with me.
Well, l'm sorted here, obviously.
Me mum said there might be a job going in the Jockey.
Oh, barmaid, yeah. Part-time. Hey, it's not for the faint-hearted.
l just wondered if you'd, um...
put a good word in for us, Kev.
This T-shirt with this neck, or a V-neck with more of a dip?
Bit of a dip, definitely. Couple of dips.
Champion!
Thanks, Conrad. You're an absolute angel, eh? What are you?
A little angel!
Er, meanwhile...
Hi, Veronica.
Just come to see if Kev'd give us a few tips - the job at the Jockey?
< l've a few for you.
Get some conditioner on that hair,
and to lose weight, try less make-up.
l was only asking.
Like l'm only telling. Now fuck off!
- Cheers, Kev. - Right.
Why d'you have to be so nasty?
Listen.
She's not your friend.
Possession is nine-tenths of the law. BOlNG!
Jesus!
DOORBELL RlNGS
Sheila Jackson?
Have l won?
l'm sorry?
l'd take the cash cos l'm phobic about having me picture taken.
Neville Gallagher. Frank's father!
l hear l've two new grandchildren?
l'm sure Frank thinks you're dead! Frank!
Your dad's brought presents for the kids!
So he's not dead!
Down when l can!
Nigel and Delia.
Am l to guess you're a fan of the raw ingredient, Sheila? Proper cooking?
l'm absolutely fanatical about it, aren't l, Frank?
- Well, well. Our Frank. - Dad.
What about these two, then?
Oh, little Nigel and little Delia!
Yeah!
They're like angels when they're sleeping.
What's he like when they're awake, eh, Sheila? Mm?
Helps out, does he?
Took 'em to the Jockey, for the quiz, didn't you?
The pub?
No, playgroup. Multicultural harmony and...
dozens of darkies and chinks and stuff, Dad.
ls it?
At least that's something. Aged 23,
his mother was elected councillor for Denton South.
She won that campaign entirely on childcare for single parents.
My mum's completely doolally.
Oh! Life's cruel, l'm sorry.
Oh, no, she's loving it.
- She thinks they've let her stop paying bills. - And they haven't?
No, l'm taking care of all that.
Which l love, cos l'm good with numbers.
Oh dear, oh dear. Two new bairns, an upset mother,
a house to look after. You'll need all the support you can get!
What's for brekky before l go to work, Sheila?
You've got a job?
No, not... l've to slip into Stretford to see Stevie Sullivan
about that second-in-charge at Sampson's Sawmill.
That right?
You've to look where you can, haven't you?
- Mouths to feed. - Absolutely.
- Eight now. - l know!
l'll skip brekky and make an early start.
Nice to see you, Dad.
Look after yourself, eh.
'Scuse me mate, you got the time?
Five past eight.
NEVlLLE PLAYS ''The Red Flag'' ON A MOUTH ORGAN
THUMP
Sheila, love?
Sheila? Sheila?!
How do you want your eggs, Neville?
- You're not epileptic? - Since when?!
No.
Are you epileptic?
Oh, nothing like that in our family! Dad wouldn't have stood for it!
How do you want your eggs?
No, you're going back to bed. Grab an hour. l'll see to the kids.
Aren't you kind?
You're too kind. You shouldn't let people take advantage.
That's what Frank's always telling me.
ls that right?
< What you doing?
Got the job. £2.50, please.
What happened here?
Silver lining on a very murky day.
Thanks for that, Kev.
l thought you wanted a live-in as the keyholder?
She's a looker, she's homeless and she's no big drinker.
Yes, Frank.
Pint and a couple of Es, Kev.
Deliver us from evil, or grant us the certainty of being caked enough
to give not one iota of a fuck. Amen.
Thank you.
How can you live in if you've just moved into a flat?
Just rented it out. Coupla young blokes over there.
When did this happen?
Just now.
You got a job, accommodation, and sub-let while l had a slash?
You're making yourself sound old, Kev.
Stay awake, won't you?
Karen, we'll need a few tonics up the other end.
Coming right up!
How fab is she?! l can't believe it's not butter!
They were my LlFE, you bastard!
Just tell us where the kiddies were when you last saw 'em.
There!
And you went back to bed?
Only for an hour.
Leave the kids here for an hour? Would you?
l wouldn't, would l?
Maybe l put 'em in the spare room!
No, we've gone right round the house, Sheila.
Oh God! Oh God! Where are you? Where are you? Where are you?
Who are you?
Neville Gallagher. Their grandpa. We've been for a stroll down t'shops.
Oh, Neville, l'm so sorry.
l thought l'd dreamt you.
Oh, my babies! My lovely, darling babies!
l thought l'd lost you, my darlings!
l'm so sorry!
Sheila, forget it. As long as the kids are OK.
But you've all rushed round here and called out the dogs and stuff.
As long as they're safe, Sheila.
We'll leave you to it. l wish all these call-outs ended like this.
Most of 'em don't, believe me! Most are pretty gruesome.
Even last week we had a...
THEY MUMBLE
- Can l pay for your petrol? - Don't be daft.
Would you like a...vodka?
Nah, we'll leave you to it.
Thank you, gentlemen.
Don't let Frank know about this!
Faster she gets sectioned, sooner we can retire.
Did you see the size of the dildos under the bed?
No wonder she can't see straight!
Hiya.
What you doing here?
- What can l get you? - Kev.
- Nipped out. - Did he leave me house keys?
He did, yeah.
Can l have 'em?
lf l could remember where he put 'em...
You haven't even looked.
l'm not going to, the way you talk to me.
Karen, give me the keys unless you want a twatting.
''Keys, please, Karen.''
Fuck off!
BOTH SCREAM
Right, you. Out! You're barred!
You can't bar me! My husband works here!
Maybe he won't if you can't behave!
Sorry, Jez. Won't happen again. Cross me heart and hope to die.
Three-week suspension or £21 cash, no milk tokens.
MUSlC: One Love by The Stone Roses
One love We don't need another love
One love, one heart and one soul
We can have it all
Easy-peasy...
You!
< Home.
Now.
Carl, you're tidying the room when we get in, as well.
KNOCKlNG
MORE KNOCKlNG
Da-daa!
(All) Grandad!
HUBBUB OF GREETlNGS
Oh, you're never too big for that.
< You look fantastic.
Yeah, not bad for a dead man, eh?
What?
Little joke of your dad's, apparently.
Not much, but it's been thought through.
Spending the winter in Benidorm's the only time to see it,
when you're not treated like a tourist.
There you go.
Thanks!
Now, all of these were actually MADE
by good, honest, artisans.
Locals working with their hands.
What are you up to here, then?
Steve and Fiona's house. We normally need permission to go round there,
- but you're allowed, definitely. - (Lip) Knocked through to next door.
Ah!
Here we go, Grandad.
Good lad.
Here you go, Grand...
Now you're spoiling me!
Grandad. Brown sauce.
Mug of tea, pint of lager and a bacon sarnie.
l could still be in Spain!
Quick, Fiona!
- What? - Hiya.
Fuck have l told you about coming round this side?
< Language, language!
When did you get back?
Yesterday.
Grandad, this is Steve.
< l've heard a lot about you.
You're a very lucky lad.
That's what it feels like most days.
l'm serious. He'll drive Sheila round the bend.
Yeah, but we don't want him back.
All l'm saying is, you need to make sure she's getting some respite.
She's not a well woman.
She's happy enough.
But as a favour to me, you'd make an effort, wouldn't you?
Fair dos, Neville. We've got enough to worry about
without thinking about Frank and Sheila. All right?
No offence, son. This is a family conversation.
Fine. Like what?
Sheila needs a babysitter tonight.
l'll do it!
Older than you.
l could do a few hours.
< Older than you.
OK.
You stay in, me and Steve'll go and sit.
Cool. How long's Sheila gonna be?
Ah... Depends...
Depends where our Frank takes us for a meal.
You can't barge in there nutting people! Not women, anyway!
l'll do it again if she talks to me like that, the spoon-faced bitch!
l'm as surprised as you are. But l didn't get her the job.
You lying fuck! l watched you sniffing round her.
lf l catch you within an inch of that two-faced pan-faced magpie,
- l'll cut your lumpy little dick off. - l didn't get her the job!
Well, l'm barred now!
Not if you pay the fine.
Like FUCK! That's my local, she's on my patch. Get rid of her!
Veronica! Be reasonable!
l want that twisted little bitch's head on a big fucking stick!
Frank? Frank! >
My God, what's happened to you?
Gas Board van reversed into us.
Not again!
l'm doing fishcakes and l've forgotten -
do you like 'em with or without the fish?
We're going out for a meal.
What do you mean?
We're going out for a meal.
l ca...
l can't eat in front of other people, Frank.
lt's not my idea. And it's not other people.
Just me.
Just me and me dad.
l could wear that dress l bought online for the millennium!
Your mother was one of the finest trade unionists that ever lived!
She wiped the floor with Vic Feather, and he thought he was somebody!
She worshipped you. And made the most pathetic excuses for you!
l didn't realise you weren't autistic!
Till you called me a cunt in suspiciously fitting circumstances!
Oi! Down here! >
Here!
Fuck's sake! She'll bar you permanently if she sees you.
So she won't.
Yes, ladies?
- We're sorted, thanks, love. - Spoon-faced slapper!
What did you say?
He said it's his birthday, he's never felt happier.
Gallagher for three.
l mentioned on the phone we'll eat absolutely anything
but ideally l'd like a prune and vodka sorbet
with custard on a side plate for pudding. lf you do one. At all.
Thank you.
She's getting all Kev's tips!
Give over, it's only coppers.
Yeah, 25 quid a week in coppers! She's only been here a fucking day.
Keep your voice down! You won't last long enough to finish your drink!
Shit!
Merci, merci.
Very good lamb, in't it, Neville?
Cooked by a man who knows the landscape, Sheila.
Rosemary, mint and...?
Um...
Port, l think!
Correct.
Oh, thank you!
When l bought this dress, l never imagined it'd see the light of day.
Fortnight back, it was nearly cushions! So l'm thrilled!
Whatever! l just don't see the point of paying for food.
lt's not for you. lt's a gift for the lady wife for all her hard work.
The point is, you are paying for it.
Mine or yours?
All three. To celebrate the fact you start work next week.
- As what? - We'll have to wait and see. Won't we?
SlREN WAlLS
How much is that slapper in the bike shed?
The one with the arse like a whale
They reckon she sucks and she swallows
And her na-me is Abigail!
Dickhead!
How's it hanging, Abi?
Chubby chops! Chubby salty chops!
Who let you off your fucking lead?
- All right? - All right.
How many hours?
Four on the first day, just to break us in.
How many houses?
1 0, 1 5. >
Big houses up Sandown Cross. Totally knackering.
Feel me arms. New muscles.
You look completely different, Frank.
lt's been an eye-opener.
Gaffer reckons l'm a natural.
See! How much better do you feel for an honest day?
You're right, Dad.
l've got blood going everywhere. Fingers, toes.
l could seriously get to like it.
< What did l tell you?
Wake the dead! l said l was determined.
So how can you do a round if you haven't got a van?
Gaffer picks us up, drops us at various sites up and down...
and then, er, we all meet for a fry-up at midday.
Great lads. Cracking banter.
l think they can't believe it
cos l get on with ALL of 'em. Band of brothers and that.
Why doesn't he just keep the ladders in the van?
Will you fuck off and leave us alone?!
l ju... You know...cos... l can't think here.
He's exhausted!
Let's get you home and fed.
Well, look after yourself, Dad. Don't leave it so long next time.
No...
lt looks as if l'll be in your hair for a while longer.
l've offered Neville our Karen's room while his flat's painted.
And very kind you are, too.
He's bringing all his photo albums to show the twins.
l'm bidding for a photocopier on eBay...
which closes in half an hour, so l'd better get a move on.
How... How long for?
Only a week or so from Tuesday.
'Cept you know what the council's like...
Think of a number and double it.
Fine. l'll just...
SOBBlNG
SHE KNOCKS
You're gonna need a bit of help, aren't you?
There's a barrel wants changing, Kev.
Don't spend too long talking to the lads.
Which lads?
Any lads.
Yes, love.
Pint of bitter, please. >
Veronica, you look a dick. >
Dirty old bastard! >
Don't use her name.
Sorry. She's here!
l've just realised who you remind me of.
Remember that bloke on the way to school?
When we got level he used to get his knob out?
Right, Veronica, last warning, let's have you!
Bit of a temperature, and she says she's feeling a bit queasy.
Ooh, you're burning up!
Shops aren't open yet. Have you got any aspirin?
l don't think so. But as luck would have it...
made a Martini sorbet yesterday.
Oh, sorry, l think l might have had that last night.
Ah, she's not well!
Can l walk to work with you, Dad?
No!
What?
Oh, yeah... What... Yeah, all right. Wave me off.
He's still there.
He's watching us!
< Just trust me.
lf he finds out, he'll have me.
Stop looking so obvious and he won't. Talk to him. Talk to him!
All right, mate.
FRANK SlMULATES A CONVERSATlON
Over there now! Go! Quick!
People are complaining about your ladders.
They can have 'em! When's the meat and tattie pie ready?
Can you afford it?
Our Debbie's subbed us.
How long do you think you can camp out here?
Six nights and seven more days! l can't get shot of him!
Wouldn't it be easier to actually GET a job till your dad's gone?
l'll bring your pie over when it's ready.
With the right change!
What time is it?
Half past seven.
But look at this!
Your mother when she first worked as a clippie on the buses!
That could be you in a skirt!
How much do you look like her?
Wakey-wakey, working man! >
Get the bread home as soon as you can! >
TOlLET FLUSHES
Fuel for the worker!
Workers. All mothers are workers, and that's a fact.
Formally acknowledged in the TUC Women's Charter of 1 983, etcetera.
Anyway, thank you for the tea.
Oh my God! Are you sure you don't need me?
Give over! Put your feet up, take your tablets.
l think l'd better!
C'mon, c'mon!
Got a test today. l'd best get to school.
Fuck's sake, don't let him see you.
Have you got that tenner you borrowed?
Have l fuck! Pay you Friday.
They're still being breast-fed.
l know! But they can look, can't they?!
l'll get that washing-up done before l shoot off. See you, Dad!
FOOTSTEPS
Nothing better to do, so l thought l'd give you and the lads a hand.
No.
Yeah, but l'm...
They want me down this side today.
Kind of...
promotion for me, Dad...bit nearer home, y'know?
So soon?
Congratulations. >
Right, let's get tucked in, then.
Fuck are you up to?
l'm doing your windows, Lilian, love.
Just help us out! Just let it ride!
Bugger off! We lost two tellies and a PlayStation last month,
and l can't get insurance any more! l'm going to phone the police!
Lilian, love... Oh!
SHE MOUTHS
Hey, hey, hey! Fuck's sake! Me stomach's doing somersaults here!
You filthy, scummy, bone-idle little shite!
Hey, no, come on. Cut it out, Dad, you'll break me neck!
Two minutes after you were born, they let me cut the cord.
One of the proudest moments of my life.
lf l'd known what a fucking heretic you'd be,
l'd have let you bleed to death right there!
Dad!
When your mother died, she made me promise l'd take care of you.
So l WlLL!
Sorry! Sorry!
You killed her!
She's up there now, cursing her own fucking womb!
With good men and women standing beside her!
And going...
HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
You're still pay-as-you-go!
Meaning...
no pay, no go!
You're out of credit!
You...
You vicious, mean,
up-your-own-arse old man.
And them's not my words.
That's what me mam used to call you.
Yeah! Yeah!
Other things that made us both smile were ''sanctimonious old goat''
and ''devious old cunt''.
Cos she knew
she was BETTER than you!
So did everybody in the TUC.
Three years younger and flying way beyond you.
Which is the only reason you got...
..that you got her pregnant!
That's the only reason you smiled when l was born!
Cos you knew you'd slowed her down.
BlTTER LAUGHTER
You know my only promise to Mam before she died? Eh?
l'd have you cremated.
Cos she knew how much you wanted to be buried for us all to blub over.
Then bury your ashes round the toilet block of the Conservative Club.
Which l promised,
so l fucking will!
Oi!
ln your corner, Mitzi.
< Get your hands off my lager,
and get the fuck out of my house.
Karen bought that for you, along with the rest.
The only reason l got the job is Jez thinks l'm gay.
l'm not interested in a bloke with that much hair.
You're trying to get her the sack and she's done fuck-all wrong.
Except for defending myself when you have a go, which l apologise for.
l'll get your suspension lifted and l'll knock a few bob off your bill.
And all my tips are gonna be shared with Kev 50-50.
Yeah, l'm sorry and all.
Jockey tonight? Me own clothes?
See, this is what she's like after we've had a barney.
Calls me a spack with a lumpy little dick and thinks ''sorry'' is enough.
Don't know what you're on about.
lt's Jez that needs convincing.
So you're far from out the fuckin' woods, Gobby Bear.
Ah, fuck!
Jez? Can l nip to the loo while it's quiet?
Course you can, sweetheart. What can l get you?
Jez, do you mind if l nip for a slash while it's quiet?
Not one of your long 'uns.
Back in a sec. lf you help yourself, l'll cut your hands off.
lt's a waste if you ask me.
lt's not my fault! She dived on me!
You filthy two-timing cow!
Don't tell Kev, Jez. God, please!
Back to work, you.
l might have known! The hypocrites l've put up with! lt's always women!
l'll drink down The Butterfly. You can bar me forever.
Just don't tell Kev.
So what d'you think, then?
Dunno.
She's a foxy little tinker, in't she, our Karen?
Well, yeah!
lt's never happened to me before. She makes me fanny go all wavy.
Touch her again, you'll have me to answer to.
Might not be a bad thing. >
Tidy yourself up and l'll pay you a drink on.
l've got the biggest hard-on you've ever seen.
Get in here, you dirty bitch!
SHE CHUCKLES
l pumped his chest and blew in his...thingy
till the ambulance arrived.
And l said, ''Can l go with him?''
They said, ''No. No point, mate.''
Steve, get over here now. l need a lift. Where did they take him?
Fuck do l know! They just drove off...
l'll tell you when you get here.
lt's an ambulance.
l know! l want to know where it took him!
No, here. There's an ambulance here.
What for?
Guess who's not dead! Again!
Hiatus hernia.
They slugged me full of antacids and it faded like a bad dream.
ln and out of casualty in less than seven hours. >
Pretty good for a free service. >
You look good to me. >
You look wonderful, Neville. We thought you'd died!
lmagine how you'd feel if you thought your dad was dead and he wasn't!
l wouldn't...l know, Sheila, shocking!
Medical staff said you were to be commended on all your first aid.
Yeah?
Very much so. Witnesses testified.
That so?
So...
You take back every single word.
Ha ha ha! Get fucked!
She totally worshipped me. >
She used to piss in your bait box.
Oof! Don't overdo it! We don't want a repeat, do we?
He wants to go back to his own flat. Bit excited about the paint job.
(Shelia) 'Being an only child, l was touched by the warmth of the big family.
'l loved it.'
Eric, your new temporary foster parents.
Veronica and Kelvin Ball.
From now on, we've just got to try really hard not to kill him.
Eric?
Don't! You'll flood the engine!
Green Cherokee, Easton Street.
You've been caught on CCTV, Steve.
- Whose is it? - Chief lnspector's.
Do you remember school? The fucking cannibal.
You can't snatch your kid and expect to get away with it, you daft sod!
lt were turning him over!
Fucking shit!
lt's not funny, Steve. He's freaking me out.
l keep dreaming about the house on fire!
CHEERlNG
Whatever Frank and Sheila are having and a quick Scotch for me.
This is on me, son.
Tell you what, Dad...
Stick it right up your arse.
No, Frank...
l did that before l came in here.
Cheers!
Drinks are on Frank.