What are you getting all dolled-up for, Amber?
- Your boyfriend Brent?
Gee, Cassandra, You're more obsessed with --
Brent moving back to town than I am.
- ( scoffs ) - Who can blame her, Amber?
He's the best-looking guy to ever attend High School U.S.A.
That's a fact. Brent's so handsome...
I kicked him in the face once and it made my boot look better.
I'm just happy to have our lead tambourine player back!
No offense, Blackstein, but you're out of the band.
No problem.
I'm lucky you guys even ever made me a member!
Speaking of members, I bet you'll be happy
To see Brent's "member" again, right, Amber?
Oh wait, I forgot.
You've never seen his member, remember?
I know.
For all I know, his penis doesn't even exist.
♪ well, I can't wait till I get old ♪
♪ and my memories start to unfold ♪
♪ about High School U.S.A. ♪
♪ these are the good old days ♪
♪ my obituary will relay ♪
♪ all my fun times here at High School U.S.A. ♪
- ( clicking )
- Hey, girl.
- Hey, girl! - Whatcha doin'?
Well... Brent's about to send me a picture of his penis, mom.
Awesome!
Man, it's really cool that you can --
just send stuff like that by phone nowadays.
- It's so easy, right? - So easy!
When I was a teenager, your dad had to email me
a huge attachment of a scan of his dick
and by the time it downloaded I was like,
"whatever, just get over here and whip it out already."
That sounds like a nightmare.
Oh my God, I'm actually kind of nervous
'cause I haven't seen it before.
- Uhh, you should be. - ( phone chimes )
Oooh, here it is!
- No, that was my phone. - Ohhh.
Booty call! Night-night, sweetie.
Tell dad I said, "good night!"
Hey, Amber, don't worry.
I'm sure Brent's dick is going to look great.
- ( door closes ) - ( phone chimes )
Oh my God.
R-r-r-r-r-- all right! Roll call.
Uh, who do we have here? Merriweather.
Switched seats, love it. Who cares about rules?
Not me. I'm Mr. Structor. I'm the cool guy.
I'm a good tea-- Jenkins. You here?
Ooh yeah, you're here. Look what you're wearing. You look good.
( whispering ) Psst. Meet me in the girl's room.
I need to show you something now.
- So what's up? - Well...
- Brent... - Ugh! Brent again?
I'm so sick of hearing about him and you from you!
C'mon, Cassandra,
you're my best friend and I need some advice.
( sighs ) All right.
Okay, so last night
Brent sent me this pic of his dick.
- What?! - I know!
Can you believe that's Brent's?
More like "Bents."
- Oh my God. Is that bad? - Not sure yet.
Text it to me so I can study it for a while.
I don't know if that's a good idea.
Come on, I thought we were best friends.
No fair using that against me when I used it against you!
- Pleeeease. - Well, fine.
But, you better not show it to anyone else.
- ( chimes ) - Thank God.
I really didn't like not having that.
All right, now let's get back to class.
Okay, I'll be there in a minute. Gotta wipe!
Yeah, Mike's cute, but I heard he's kind of small.
- Well, that's not what I heard. - Well, what did you hear?
- I heard he wasn't small. - Well, that's not what I heard.
- Well, what did you hear? - I heard he was small.
- ( toilet flushes ) - Hey, girls.
Why don't you two stop using your ears to look at guys' dicks
and start using your phones?
- O - M
Both: G!
Brent sent it to me last night.
More like, "Bent" sent it to you last night.
- Uh, that's what I said.
- You gotta send that to us right now.
- Already did. - ( chimes )
Check your phones, bitches.
I'm sending this to every girl in school!
- Already did. - ( chimes )
- ( chattering, chiming ) - If that was my dick I'd kill myself.
- ( laughter )
- You promised you wouldn't send that photo to anybody...
and you sent it to everybody!
How could you do that to your best friend?
But you asked me what I thought.
- Yeah, what you thought. - Ugh!
I need a lot of second opinions.
Hey, gang. Where's Brent? Have any of you seen him around?
Not "around" per se,
But I've definitely seen him "askew"!
( laughs )
- You're such a bitch!
( snorts ) Marsh,
tell Amber to quit being mad at me!
No.
You tell Cassandra that she shouldn't have sent
Brent's picture of his crooked dick
to the whole school!
- I heard that! - What?!
I can't believe you guys let a picture of Brent's penis go viral.
Wow, the whole school's making fun of Brent.
- More like Bent! - ( laughs )
- That's what I said! - ( all laughing )
( Laughing continues )
Oh no. What are we going to do?
I hate you, Cassandra.
I hate you for hating me!
Much like Brent's penis, this has taken a terrible turn.
How am I gonna save the day this time?
- ( bell rings ) - ( chalk writing )
( bell rings )
- ( chattering ) - Hmmm.
Gazing at all these dicks gives me an idea.
- Hey, guys. Guys, listen up! - What?
One of our fellow boys, Brent Johnson,
has been so humiliated --
that he can't even show his face at school.
- Boy: Why? - Why, you ask.
All because he has a penis --
and took a picture of it --
and sent it to a girl.
That could happen to any of us.
And I say, if he has to suffer,
we're not going to let him suffer alone.
- We'll share in his humiliation. - But how?
Easy!
We'll all take pictures of our dicks --
and then we'll send them to every girl in school.
But, Marsh, mine's ugly.
So is Brent's. So is mine.
So is John's little stubby stupid one --
and Ari's hook-nosed one --
and this guy's weird camel-toed penis --
and Bighole's and Veiny's and --
I don't even know what to call that!
I mean, if dicks weren't ugly,
They'd call them tits.
- Yeah, he's right! - Thanks, Veiny.
Now in order for our solidarity to be rock hard,
everyone one of us has to take a dick pic.
No exceptions.
I'm looking at you, Bighole. Are you guys with me?
- All: Yeah! - For Brent!
- ♪ everybody knows me by my face ♪
♪ but you're gonna know me by some other place ♪
♪ a place where the birds meet the bees ♪
♪ a place where you never need me to say cheese ♪
♪ say cheese!
- Okay, let's do this. - ( pants rustle )
- ( phone ringing ) - Dad: Marsh,
Can you get the phone please?
Dad, I'm kind of in the middle of something.
Ah, all right. Hello, Donna.
Thanks for calling back.
Well, you see, I lost the alimony check.
Huh? No, that's not fair!
I need that check. ( sobs )
Can't you just cancel it and put a rush on the other one?
- ( rustles ) - ( sighs )
We'll starve, that's why I'm crying.
Do you want us to starve?
I mean, me, fine! But you want your son to starve?!
( laughing )
Morning, ladies.
- Morning, Veiny! - Oh!
Hey, Amber, did you get, like, 180 of the strangest texts last night?
I'm thinking about calling the police.
I'm not talking to you.
And yes, I'm very freaked out.
Marsh! Where have you been?
Definitely not taking a picture of his dick --
and sending it to every girl in the school!
Oh, I am so embarrassed!
I thought the plan was for us to all feel embarrassed together.
There can't be solidarity --
without a pic of that dick!
- Marsh is a traitor! - Look, guys, it's not my fault.
I couldn't get an erection because I kept getting interrupted.
I just need to be alone for a little bit.
I swear. I'll be right back.
Finally. ( spitting )
Here we go. Ahem.
God, Marsh, there you are.
Can you tell Cassandra that I hate her?
Yeah, Marsh! Can you tell me that Amber hates me,
because I don't want to hear it from her.
- No, the other way around! - Girls! Please, stop arguing.
Can't you see I'm trying to get a penis erection.
Fine. We'll sit here and watch you till you're done.
Super. That may actually help.
Thanks, girls.
Mm-- hmm.
Mmmmm.
Oh, Marsh, what's wrong with your penis?
- Is it thirsty? - No, I wish that was the problem.
The truth is --
I haven't been able to get an erection lately.
I thought it was just because I kept getting interrupted.
But now I can't even get hard with two girls around.
I think I might be...
- Impotent. - Ew.
God, 16 and impotent?
That's like the worst thing I've ever heard.
I guess our problems are just silly compared to Marsh's.
I'm so sorry, Amber.
I mean, at least we have normal, functioning body parts.
No boy is more important than our friendship.
Even "Bent."
You mean Brent.
( laughs ) I love you, Cassandra.
Aw, bestie, I love you too.
Hey, ladies!
Um, what's up, Marsh?
I think it's starting to work!
- Whoa! - Quick, take a picture of it!
- ( clicks ) - Gosh,
just seeing you guys getting along gave me an erection.
I am so totally sending this out right now.
It turns out my biggest turn on is...
Friendship.
- ( applause ) - Boy: Yay!
We're all embarrassed together!
( chanting ) Marsh, Marsh, Marsh!
Boy, look at everyone getting along so well!
Everyone, that is, except Brent.
Hey, where is Brent?
I mean, we did all of this for him.
Oh! Didn't you hear?
Turns out taking all those pictures of his penis --
with a cellphone gave him dick cancer.
Brent's dead!
Oh!
♪ la la la la lai ♪
♪ everybody knows me by my face ♪
♪ but you're gonna know me by some other place ♪
♪ a place where the birds meet the bees ♪
♪ a place where you never need me to say cheese ♪
♪ say cheese! ♪