1
00:00:00,131 --> 00:00:01,324
I got a choice.

2
00:00:02,197 --> 00:00:05,606
Either I accept your superiority,
as if you're some kind of god,

3
00:00:05,976 --> 00:00:07,915
or I use my intelligence

4
00:00:08,689 --> 00:00:10,365
and do a little investigating.

5
00:00:10,525 --> 00:00:12,822
Yeah, you'd be real surprised

6
00:00:13,523 --> 00:00:16,379
the kind of information you find out
from a few phone calls.

7
00:00:16,604 --> 00:00:19,553
I found a hell of a god,

8
00:00:20,259 --> 00:00:22,381
a god whose wife

9
00:00:22,560 --> 00:00:24,353
is sleeping around behind his back,

10
00:00:24,765 --> 00:00:27,145
whose daughter is fucking junkies.

11
00:00:27,408 --> 00:00:29,061
And then Laura comes along

12
00:00:29,323 --> 00:00:31,977
and you fall in love
with that crazy slut.

13
00:00:32,653 --> 00:00:35,876
Don't you fucking talk
about my patients, you fuck!

14
00:00:56,047 --> 00:00:57,718
Gosh, you never get the mail.

15
00:00:59,132 --> 00:01:01,486
Yet today,
30 seconds after it arrives,

16
00:01:01,646 --> 00:01:03,261
you're sprinting down to the curb.

17
00:01:03,696 --> 00:01:05,706
What on earth
could you be expecting?

18
00:01:05,892 --> 00:01:07,226
A love letter maybe?

19
00:01:10,347 --> 00:01:12,328
- I saw her, Paul.
- Who?

20
00:01:13,655 --> 00:01:14,726
Who?

21
00:01:15,613 --> 00:01:17,195
Laura. I saw her.

22
00:01:18,124 --> 00:01:19,817
What do you mean "you saw her"?

23
00:01:19,977 --> 00:01:22,631
I was taking out the trash
and I saw her leaving.

24
00:01:26,256 --> 00:01:28,258
I thought you said she quit therapy.

25
00:01:28,418 --> 00:01:30,971
- She did quit.
- Then what the hell was she doing here?

26
00:01:31,131 --> 00:01:32,767
Her father's in the hospital

27
00:01:33,045 --> 00:01:35,419
and she called me and asked me
if she could come in.

28
00:01:36,508 --> 00:01:37,912
What should I have said, Kate?

29
00:01:38,072 --> 00:01:40,006
"I'm sorry about this crisis
with your father,

30
00:01:40,166 --> 00:01:41,961
"but I've told my wife
you've quit therapy."

31
00:01:42,121 --> 00:01:44,600
No, you should have told me
that she came back.

32
00:01:45,126 --> 00:01:46,808
It wasn't a social call.

33
00:01:46,968 --> 00:01:48,842
If you wanted to find out
what was going on,

34
00:01:49,002 --> 00:01:50,889
all you had to do was ask me, Kate.

35
00:01:51,049 --> 00:01:53,246
Don't you dare turn this around on me.

36
00:01:53,811 --> 00:01:56,735
What, you think you deserve her,
you've earned her,

37
00:01:57,097 --> 00:01:58,670
because of what I did to you?

38
00:01:58,830 --> 00:02:00,134
For Christ's sake.

39
00:02:04,439 --> 00:02:07,547
Well, lucky you.
Saved by the bell yet again.

40
00:02:18,294 --> 00:02:20,360
Subtitles: Benj!

41
00:02:38,901 --> 00:02:40,368
I'm glad you came back.

42
00:02:41,590 --> 00:02:43,365
I went against all my instincts.

43
00:02:46,611 --> 00:02:47,616
Come on in.

44
00:02:58,417 --> 00:02:59,834
So what were your instincts?

45
00:02:59,994 --> 00:03:01,243
You want the truth?

46
00:03:01,807 --> 00:03:04,511
The first was to come back here
and beat the shit out of you.

47
00:03:05,604 --> 00:03:06,939
And the second one?

48
00:03:08,426 --> 00:03:11,012
The second one was an instinct
that I learned in the...

49
00:03:11,562 --> 00:03:12,830
In the Navy.

50
00:03:13,533 --> 00:03:15,298
It's a survival tactic we teach:

51
00:03:15,458 --> 00:03:16,801
To think like the enemy.

52
00:03:17,123 --> 00:03:19,953
I'm trying to understand
why you're all so afraid of me.

53
00:03:22,890 --> 00:03:25,754
When you say "all,"
Who would you be referring to?

54
00:03:25,914 --> 00:03:27,618
You and the rest of the world.

55
00:03:28,668 --> 00:03:30,622
Listen. I realize I threaten you...

56
00:03:32,483 --> 00:03:34,426
And that's where
your aggression comes from.

57
00:03:34,586 --> 00:03:37,835
So in what way
do you threaten us, you think?

58
00:03:38,577 --> 00:03:40,248
You consider me a murderer.

59
00:03:40,824 --> 00:03:42,326
The last couple of weeks

60
00:03:42,891 --> 00:03:44,548
I've been trying to figure out...

61
00:03:45,028 --> 00:03:46,802
When people look in my eyes,

62
00:03:49,211 --> 00:03:51,342
look at my hands,
can they tell

63
00:03:51,614 --> 00:03:54,232
that I've killed 42 people

64
00:03:54,392 --> 00:03:55,894
In the past 20 years?

65
00:03:56,119 --> 00:03:57,960
That's 42 human beings.

66
00:03:59,218 --> 00:04:01,012
You can't hide something
like that, right?

67
00:04:01,172 --> 00:04:03,857
There's something about me...
They've gotta see that.

68
00:04:04,114 --> 00:04:05,373
And it scares them.

69
00:04:05,580 --> 00:04:07,884
So do you think
that there is something about you,

70
00:04:08,044 --> 00:04:10,156
xomething obvious that people see?

71
00:04:12,076 --> 00:04:13,768
You probably wanted to strangle me

72
00:04:13,928 --> 00:04:15,683
the first time
I walked through that door.

73
00:04:15,843 --> 00:04:17,707
In the last session,
you finally got a chance

74
00:04:17,867 --> 00:04:19,916
to show your hatred
for people like me.

75
00:04:20,690 --> 00:04:23,962
I think maybe
that's how you see yourself, Alex.

76
00:04:24,634 --> 00:04:26,423
Maybe that's why you pushed me

77
00:04:26,681 --> 00:04:28,670
to such a violent place.

78
00:04:28,830 --> 00:04:30,813
So that I'd treat you the way that

79
00:04:31,236 --> 00:04:34,607
- You think you should be treated.
- Let me remind you, you attacked me.

80
00:04:38,167 --> 00:04:39,651
So what did you feel

81
00:04:39,979 --> 00:04:41,914
When I attacked you?

82
00:04:42,875 --> 00:04:44,171
What did I feel?

83
00:04:45,598 --> 00:04:47,345
A slight tremor in the wing.

84
00:04:47,890 --> 00:04:48,894
That's it.

85
00:04:49,054 --> 00:04:51,232
So no big deal.

86
00:04:51,838 --> 00:04:52,908
No big deal.

87
00:04:54,104 --> 00:04:55,971
But, alex,
I pushed you against the bookcase.

88
00:04:56,131 --> 00:04:57,875
I threw coffee in your face.

89
00:04:59,746 --> 00:05:02,890
I'm just curious.
What happened in your body?

90
00:05:03,135 --> 00:05:06,228
- What was going through your head?
- Hold on. I just realized something.

91
00:05:07,155 --> 00:05:08,554
You haven't apologized yet.

92
00:05:08,714 --> 00:05:10,508
Before anything else,
you're supposed to say

93
00:05:10,668 --> 00:05:12,816
"I apologize. I'm sorry.
It'll never happen again."

94
00:05:13,058 --> 00:05:15,955
I've been here five minutes,
and I got nothing from you.

95
00:05:16,115 --> 00:05:17,317
You're right.

96
00:05:18,458 --> 00:05:19,861
You're absolutely right.

97
00:05:20,979 --> 00:05:22,219
I apologize.

98
00:05:25,066 --> 00:05:26,484
It should not have happened.

99
00:05:30,039 --> 00:05:33,091
But... I felt

100
00:05:33,251 --> 00:05:36,693
very offended by what you said.

101
00:05:36,964 --> 00:05:38,035
Offended?

102
00:05:38,382 --> 00:05:40,429
No.
That's not part of the deal.

103
00:05:41,247 --> 00:05:43,838
No, I can say whatever
the hell I want in here.

104
00:05:44,134 --> 00:05:47,453
That's the point of going to a shrink.
You want me to censor every sentence

105
00:05:47,613 --> 00:05:49,960
or keep wondering
if what I say might hurt you?

106
00:05:50,805 --> 00:05:53,885
It's still like a relationship, alex.
There are boundaries.

107
00:05:55,457 --> 00:05:58,734
I felt
that you were out to hurt me.

108
00:05:59,115 --> 00:06:02,314
And I... was

109
00:06:02,552 --> 00:06:03,763
very hurt.

110
00:06:06,746 --> 00:06:08,230
What offended you so much?

111
00:06:09,349 --> 00:06:10,701
It was all true, wasn't it?

112
00:06:11,973 --> 00:06:14,189
Well, you invaded my privacy.

113
00:06:14,524 --> 00:06:16,032
You talked about the people I love,

114
00:06:16,192 --> 00:06:18,295
And you spoke
about them with contempt

115
00:06:18,622 --> 00:06:20,782
and with what I felt was

116
00:06:21,073 --> 00:06:22,528
deliberate cruelty.

117
00:06:32,924 --> 00:06:34,661
So I guess my therapy is over...

118
00:06:36,520 --> 00:06:39,468
- Now, right?
- That's not what I said, alex.

119
00:06:39,740 --> 00:06:41,312
No, but it's what you think.

120
00:06:42,423 --> 00:06:45,157
You're tired of taking the shit
I give you all the time

121
00:06:45,317 --> 00:06:46,751
And actually, I don't blame you.

122
00:06:46,915 --> 00:06:49,079
If I were you, i'd have gotten rid of me
a long time ago.

123
00:06:49,239 --> 00:06:50,796
So is that why you say those things?

124
00:06:50,913 --> 00:06:53,805
In the hopes that I would... What?
Run away, kick you out?

125
00:06:54,650 --> 00:06:56,161
It's not gonna happen, Alex.

126
00:06:59,049 --> 00:07:02,049
You guys really do live in a bubble.
You live in this world, you don't...

127
00:07:02,209 --> 00:07:04,556
It's all theories.
You don't engage. You...

128
00:07:08,053 --> 00:07:09,222
What?

129
00:07:14,870 --> 00:07:17,433
Finish that thought.
What were you going to say?

130
00:07:18,924 --> 00:07:21,159
No, I just remembered
this dream I had.

131
00:07:23,441 --> 00:07:26,404
I was on the ground,
and I was driving this little car

132
00:07:26,700 --> 00:07:29,713
on the Iraqi international
airport highway.

133
00:07:29,873 --> 00:07:31,688
They call it
"the highway to hell."

134
00:07:33,140 --> 00:07:35,694
And all of a sudden
I'm in Baghdad

135
00:07:36,141 --> 00:07:37,835
in this traffic jam.
Above my head

136
00:07:37,995 --> 00:07:39,901
I see this enemy plane.
It's a Czech mig.

137
00:07:40,061 --> 00:07:43,852
I'm not sure what it is exactly,
but this mig is being followed

138
00:07:44,109 --> 00:07:46,916
by one of our jets, an f-16.

139
00:07:47,346 --> 00:07:48,964
Everyone's looking up, watching.

140
00:07:49,124 --> 00:07:50,448
And I say to myself,

141
00:07:51,411 --> 00:07:52,880
"Why isn't he shooting?

142
00:07:54,345 --> 00:07:56,185
"Why doesn't he blow him
out of the sky?"

143
00:07:56,827 --> 00:07:59,439
Now maybe he's afraid all the debris
will fall on the people below,

144
00:07:59,599 --> 00:08:02,979
But I know in the dream
the orders are to take that fucker down.

145
00:08:03,139 --> 00:08:05,777
So they're flying real close like this
and maneuvering,

146
00:08:05,947 --> 00:08:08,369
And our guy doesn't launch.

147
00:08:09,041 --> 00:08:12,296
And the enemy plane is getting away
and it's driving me crazy.

148
00:08:12,456 --> 00:08:14,589
I mean, shit, he's on his way
to our base camp.

149
00:08:14,749 --> 00:08:16,293
All the people on the ground below,

150
00:08:16,490 --> 00:08:19,534
They're waitg for him to take
the mig down, and they're bloodthirsty.

151
00:08:19,797 --> 00:08:21,158
And it doesn't happen.

152
00:08:22,563 --> 00:08:24,084
They just fly away.

153
00:08:28,206 --> 00:08:29,258
And that's it.

154
00:08:31,971 --> 00:08:34,558
Do you think you would have done
better if you'd been up there?

155
00:08:34,801 --> 00:08:35,891
Shit.

156
00:08:36,385 --> 00:08:38,786
Any pilot worth his salt
would have blown that asshole 

157
00:08:38,946 --> 00:08:40,223
to kingdom come.

158
00:08:41,272 --> 00:08:42,896
And who is the pilot?

159
00:08:43,146 --> 00:08:44,668
Maybe it's me. I don't know.

160
00:08:45,800 --> 00:08:47,819
You're the one who can't shoot?

161
00:08:48,264 --> 00:08:49,473
Why not?

162
00:08:50,882 --> 00:08:52,244
I don't know.

163
00:08:52,704 --> 00:08:55,150
Maybe because the other guy,
the other pilot,

164
00:08:56,142 --> 00:08:58,372
Is not that dangerous.
I knew that.

165
00:08:59,062 --> 00:09:00,165
He's only...

166
00:09:00,891 --> 00:09:02,891
What? He's only what?

167
00:09:04,282 --> 00:09:06,865
Who's sitting in the plane?

168
00:09:07,124 --> 00:09:09,587
Who's sitting in the enemy plane that
you refuse to shoot down?

169
00:09:09,747 --> 00:09:11,461
I don't know who's there. I don't know.

170
00:09:11,814 --> 00:09:14,416
- Who is the enemy, alex?
- Hey, stop, man.

171
00:09:14,576 --> 00:09:16,717
Jeez, when you want
to pressure, you pressure.

172
00:09:23,406 --> 00:09:24,646
I don't know.

173
00:09:28,178 --> 00:09:29,398
Who's my enemy? You?

174
00:09:29,668 --> 00:09:32,513
- Is that how it feels?
- No, it's not you. You're not there.

175
00:09:38,721 --> 00:09:39,911
Maybe it's my father.

176
00:09:43,218 --> 00:09:44,280
What?

177
00:09:45,529 --> 00:09:47,802
What? You know the answer,
but you don't wanna...

178
00:09:48,487 --> 00:09:51,407
- You want me to come up with it.
- No, it's just a dream.

179
00:09:51,567 --> 00:09:55,538
I'm just helping you to look at it.
That's all.

180
00:09:55,940 --> 00:09:58,831
Okay, well, then you must have some
chart or something around here

181
00:09:58,991 --> 00:10:01,554
telling you what every part of
a dream represents in reality.

182
00:10:01,821 --> 00:10:04,101
No, not really.
Sometimes a number of images

183
00:10:04,261 --> 00:10:06,130
can represent the same thing.

184
00:10:06,596 --> 00:10:07,648
So it's me?

185
00:10:08,736 --> 00:10:11,384
That's what you're saying, right?
That I was the enemy pilot?

186
00:10:12,398 --> 00:10:13,515
I'm my own enemy?

187
00:10:15,865 --> 00:10:18,346
Look, it's not clear actually
that he's even an enemy.

188
00:10:18,506 --> 00:10:21,204
It's not that he doesn't have
identification marks on the plane.

189
00:10:21,364 --> 00:10:22,872
I'm just not familiar with it.

190
00:10:23,032 --> 00:10:24,422
I don't know for sure.

191
00:10:26,065 --> 00:10:28,769
But he is trying
to get away from you.

192
00:10:30,615 --> 00:10:32,099
What do you think of this guy,

193
00:10:32,259 --> 00:10:35,367
This pilot, this fleeing pilot?

194
00:10:35,651 --> 00:10:37,050
I think he's a fucking coward.

195
00:10:37,656 --> 00:10:40,210
- Oh, yeah. What else?
- He's not a man.

196
00:10:40,469 --> 00:10:42,820
He's running away like a pussy
instead of turning around,

197
00:10:42,980 --> 00:10:44,814
standing his ground
and fighting.

198
00:10:44,974 --> 00:10:46,762
I'm dying to come up
to that pitiful fucker

199
00:10:46,922 --> 00:10:49,250
and shove an air-to-air missile
up his rear burner.

200
00:11:05,272 --> 00:11:06,572
What're you thinking?

201
00:11:10,334 --> 00:11:11,339
Just say it.

202
00:11:20,253 --> 00:11:21,559
You think I'm a faggot?

203
00:11:26,231 --> 00:11:28,945
That would go right along
with all my father's theories.

204
00:11:29,105 --> 00:11:31,292
Only girls and fags
see a shrink.

205
00:11:31,452 --> 00:11:32,982
So what if i'm a fag?

206
00:11:34,045 --> 00:11:36,514
You said it very clearly before.

207
00:11:37,027 --> 00:11:38,088
Did i?

208
00:11:38,248 --> 00:11:41,145
Well, maybe you didn't say it,
but you've been leading me there.

209
00:11:41,548 --> 00:11:42,654
I have?

210
00:11:43,621 --> 00:11:45,808
You're dying to say
it's a homosexual dream.

211
00:11:45,968 --> 00:11:47,011
I'm tailing him.

212
00:11:47,151 --> 00:11:49,680
I see fire coming out
of his back burner.

213
00:11:49,840 --> 00:11:51,253
I'm wanna shove my...

214
00:11:58,893 --> 00:12:00,283
It all fits, doesn't it?

215
00:12:10,602 --> 00:12:12,536
Even daniel never suspected it.

216
00:12:17,692 --> 00:12:19,198
That could explain a lot of things.

217
00:12:19,814 --> 00:12:20,856
What things?

218
00:12:21,747 --> 00:12:23,062
Laura, for instance.

219
00:12:23,514 --> 00:12:25,740
That lousy fuck
we had the first time.

220
00:12:27,323 --> 00:12:28,676
And Michaela.

221
00:12:32,582 --> 00:12:35,540
The fact that i'm suddenly
not attracted to her anymore.

222
00:12:37,403 --> 00:12:39,374
We saw each other
this week at a restaurant,

223
00:12:39,629 --> 00:12:42,405
and she wants me to come back home
and thought it'd be better If we...

224
00:12:42,565 --> 00:12:44,318
talked to each other in person.

225
00:12:45,323 --> 00:12:48,289
She was driving hard, man,

226
00:12:48,449 --> 00:12:51,228
Just on a mission,
just on the attack.

227
00:12:52,143 --> 00:12:54,203
She wanted us to start off
by getting a room asap.

228
00:12:54,363 --> 00:12:56,997
There's that hotel above the restaurant.
I said I couldn't.

229
00:12:57,157 --> 00:12:58,341
I couldn't.

230
00:12:59,973 --> 00:13:01,569
I told her I had somewhere to be,

231
00:13:01,926 --> 00:13:03,625
That we would do it
another time.

232
00:13:05,108 --> 00:13:07,708
You know, I really did have
something else to do that night.

233
00:13:08,097 --> 00:13:10,294
I was supposed to go
with daniel and his...

234
00:13:10,960 --> 00:13:12,537
his partner Sean to a party.

235
00:13:15,933 --> 00:13:18,439
You understand this amazing woman
wants to fuck the shit out of me

236
00:13:18,599 --> 00:13:21,700
in a 5-star hotel and instead I'm going
to Georgetown with these two fags.

237
00:13:21,860 --> 00:13:23,454
Do you understand that?

238
00:13:24,823 --> 00:13:26,178
And why do you think

239
00:13:26,338 --> 00:13:28,926
you'd rather spend time with them?

240
00:13:34,177 --> 00:13:35,858
Everything's a joke with them.

241
00:13:37,228 --> 00:13:40,017
I don't know if you're familiar
with their world, but their humor

242
00:13:41,292 --> 00:13:44,203
is in seeing everything from the outside
like they're not a part of it,

243
00:13:44,372 --> 00:13:46,226
Like...
Like they're above it.

244
00:13:47,240 --> 00:13:49,465
And by "they,"
you mean homosexuals?

245
00:13:49,625 --> 00:13:53,029
Yeah, especially Sean's crowd.
I mean, he's genuinely queer.

246
00:13:53,847 --> 00:13:56,189
He's not the kind that's
in conflict with himself

247
00:13:56,349 --> 00:14:00,038
I mean, he's... This...
Sean is immune to tension,

248
00:14:00,543 --> 00:14:02,590
He's happy.
He's happy all the time.

249
00:14:04,000 --> 00:14:05,472
He just has no subconscious.

250
00:14:05,632 --> 00:14:08,543
Everything is right out in the open.

251
00:14:13,398 --> 00:14:14,712
Is that something that...

252
00:14:14,872 --> 00:14:16,703
Is that something that you envy?

253
00:14:19,703 --> 00:14:20,980
They don't pressure me.

254
00:14:23,660 --> 00:14:24,890
They give you shit

255
00:14:25,151 --> 00:14:27,380
to provoke you,
and they love that shit, but...

256
00:14:28,684 --> 00:14:30,186
You know, Sean asked me,

257
00:14:31,280 --> 00:14:33,364
"Why do you always desperately

258
00:14:34,847 --> 00:14:37,129
"try to please everybody all the time?

259
00:14:37,492 --> 00:14:39,848
"God and country... Everybody?"

260
00:14:41,046 --> 00:14:44,076
But it's bullshit. With them,
they don't care. They really don't care.

261
00:14:45,963 --> 00:14:49,643
They don't demand of me
to be anything... extra.

262
00:14:52,036 --> 00:14:54,195
That night we got home
about 4:00 a.m.,

263
00:14:54,470 --> 00:14:56,422
And daniel went to the bedroom,

264
00:14:56,725 --> 00:15:00,406
Sean and I stayed out in the livin room.
He got a dvd, some gay porn thing.

265
00:15:01,073 --> 00:15:03,927
Look, I don't know
if he was trying to provoke me or what.

266
00:15:06,507 --> 00:15:08,863
He even suggested afterwards
that i'd be ready for bed.

267
00:15:09,201 --> 00:15:11,690
He said it jokingly,
but he wasn't playing.

268
00:15:14,745 --> 00:15:15,749
He told me once,

269
00:15:16,728 --> 00:15:18,427
"I didn't know the meaning of life

270
00:15:18,587 --> 00:15:20,361
"until I got fucked in the ass."

271
00:16:01,629 --> 00:16:05,216
I once read that, psychologically,
water symbolizes emotions.

272
00:16:08,696 --> 00:16:11,495
I wonder what your collection
of boats says about you.

273
00:16:12,986 --> 00:16:15,228
I don't know. Maybe that
i'm an emotional wreck.

274
00:16:18,259 --> 00:16:20,138
Maybe you want to go out to sea,

275
00:16:21,218 --> 00:16:22,617
But you don't.

276
00:16:25,271 --> 00:16:28,069
You mean that i want to express
my feelings, but I can't.

277
00:16:34,285 --> 00:16:36,558
My father's a lifetime democrat,

278
00:16:37,618 --> 00:16:38,979
A war protester.

279
00:16:39,890 --> 00:16:42,732
And I knew that
if I joined the navy,

280
00:16:42,892 --> 00:16:44,458
It would piss him off.

281
00:16:44,618 --> 00:16:47,106
So fuck it,
I went R.O.T.C. in high school,

282
00:16:47,266 --> 00:16:48,832
and then i got my wings.

283
00:16:49,271 --> 00:16:51,459
He couldn't tell me shit.

284
00:16:53,813 --> 00:16:56,764
I remember the first time
you were here. You said that...

285
00:16:57,193 --> 00:17:00,063
That you didn't chose to be a pilot,

286
00:17:00,348 --> 00:17:01,970
that life chose it for you.

287
00:17:02,130 --> 00:17:04,139
- Yeah.
- But I don't know about that.

288
00:17:04,731 --> 00:17:07,059
I think maybe you did
choose that path,

289
00:17:07,301 --> 00:17:09,405
And that you did it
to defy your father.

290
00:17:10,816 --> 00:17:12,345
He wanted me to be hard.

291
00:17:12,678 --> 00:17:14,537
There's nothing harder
than a topgun grad.

292
00:17:14,697 --> 00:17:16,947
Yeah, but, that's still
a reaction to him.

293
00:17:17,107 --> 00:17:18,863
It's not your desire.

294
00:17:19,240 --> 00:17:21,784
I don't think you're in touch
with what you really want.

295
00:17:22,214 --> 00:17:24,367
What I really want?
What are you saying?

296
00:17:24,527 --> 00:17:27,292
What I really wanted was
to be something else?

297
00:17:27,826 --> 00:17:28,885
Gay?

298
00:17:30,635 --> 00:17:32,908
Have you ever been attracted
to men, alex?

299
00:17:34,860 --> 00:17:36,926
Ever had a sexual fantasy
about a man?

300
00:17:37,864 --> 00:17:39,310
I have never, no.

301
00:17:42,188 --> 00:17:44,601
So when you say the word gay,
what do you mean by that?

302
00:17:44,850 --> 00:17:47,122
I don't know.
Don't take me there, man.

303
00:17:49,392 --> 00:17:52,619
This, saying what you think
all the time... That's gay.

304
00:17:52,779 --> 00:17:54,610
Those guys, they have no filters.

305
00:17:55,118 --> 00:17:55,991
What else?

306
00:17:59,922 --> 00:18:02,072
Talking about your feelings
all the time.

307
00:18:02,367 --> 00:18:04,935
So what you do here, for example,
the way you interact with me,

308
00:18:05,095 --> 00:18:08,025
Your father said... He said
that anybody who goes to a shrink

309
00:18:08,185 --> 00:18:10,541
is a... is a fag.

310
00:18:16,402 --> 00:18:18,656
How did you get on with your dad
when you were a kid?

311
00:18:27,299 --> 00:18:28,839
I remember as a kid

312
00:18:29,131 --> 00:18:30,643
my father taking me to a church.

313
00:18:30,897 --> 00:18:33,061
This was the riverside church
up in Harlem.

314
00:18:33,259 --> 00:18:36,481
And back in those days,
i lived kind of a double life.

315
00:18:36,646 --> 00:18:38,955
During the week, i went
to this all-boys private school.

316
00:18:39,115 --> 00:18:40,233
It was elite,

317
00:18:41,540 --> 00:18:42,986
the finest teachers. It was...

318
00:18:43,579 --> 00:18:44,753
The best, right?

319
00:18:46,223 --> 00:18:47,320
Right.

320
00:18:47,480 --> 00:18:49,571
It was also a totally
sheltered environment.

321
00:18:49,731 --> 00:18:51,960
So on the weekend, my dad
would take me to all these 

322
00:18:52,120 --> 00:18:54,197
real rough ghetto areas,

323
00:18:54,604 --> 00:18:56,893
to places where he volunteered
his time and money.

324
00:18:57,419 --> 00:18:59,597
He wanted to make sure
that I knew how lucky I was

325
00:18:59,757 --> 00:19:01,898
to live my little soft,
cushy life.

326
00:19:02,269 --> 00:19:04,729
I dreaded those fucking
weekends, hated them.

327
00:19:05,435 --> 00:19:07,318
It's like he was always
trying to test me.

328
00:19:07,478 --> 00:19:10,924
Anyway, the riverside church had this
athletic program that my dad supported.

329
00:19:11,857 --> 00:19:14,888
He needed to talk to the guy
that ran the place, so they told me,

330
00:19:15,048 --> 00:19:17,639
"You wait outside,
shoot some baskets."

331
00:19:19,195 --> 00:19:21,655
So it's early
and the courts are deserted.

332
00:19:21,830 --> 00:19:23,811
And it's a bad area,

333
00:19:23,971 --> 00:19:26,477
But long story short, this kid comes up.
He's about...

334
00:19:27,014 --> 00:19:28,516
I don't know... He's 14.

335
00:19:30,090 --> 00:19:31,564
And he beat the hell out of me.

336
00:19:32,816 --> 00:19:35,953
He kicked me in the head
a few times.

337
00:19:37,385 --> 00:19:40,296
He had this box cutter,
I thought he was gonna slice my face.

338
00:19:40,456 --> 00:19:43,271
But he wound up taking
some little bullshit chain I had and...

339
00:19:43,843 --> 00:19:46,396
my sneakers... He took my sneakers,
took my socks, and...

340
00:19:46,556 --> 00:19:49,970
even took this little
half-full pack of chewing gum.

341
00:19:51,407 --> 00:19:52,445
And...

342
00:19:53,332 --> 00:19:54,609
I went upstairs

343
00:19:55,445 --> 00:19:58,139
and my dad sees me, and
he sees I just got my ass kicked,

344
00:19:58,932 --> 00:20:00,969
That I got no sneakers, no socks.

345
00:20:03,185 --> 00:20:04,957
And I started to tell him what happened.

346
00:20:08,265 --> 00:20:10,265
And I started crying.

347
00:20:12,127 --> 00:20:13,272
So my dad...

348
00:20:15,713 --> 00:20:17,459
slapped the shit out of me...

349
00:20:20,465 --> 00:20:21,967
Sounded like a whip crack.

350
00:20:24,134 --> 00:20:25,730
And he made me walk
around barefoot

351
00:20:25,890 --> 00:20:27,982
for the whole rest of the day

352
00:20:28,142 --> 00:20:29,707
just to teach me a lesson.

353
00:20:31,738 --> 00:20:33,006
What age were you?

354
00:20:37,536 --> 00:20:38,569
11.

355
00:20:40,057 --> 00:20:42,198
The next weekend,
he took me to a gym

356
00:20:43,442 --> 00:20:44,991
to meet up with this guy named tom.

357
00:20:45,151 --> 00:20:48,149
And tom said that there are
two types of martial arts.

358
00:20:49,192 --> 00:20:52,250
"One is the kind that's a physical
and spiritual discipline,

359
00:20:52,410 --> 00:20:54,354
"a way of life. The second type

360
00:20:54,904 --> 00:20:56,538
"is where you learn to fight,

361
00:20:57,500 --> 00:20:59,340
"And this here is a fighting gym.

362
00:20:59,500 --> 00:21:01,169
"You got a problem with that?"

363
00:21:02,442 --> 00:21:05,303
I didn't have a problem with it,
'cause I didn't want anybody

364
00:21:05,463 --> 00:21:08,684
to ever put their hands on me
like that ever again.

365
00:21:09,693 --> 00:21:11,739
So I came four days
a week after school,

366
00:21:11,899 --> 00:21:13,441
and I learned,
and I learned fast.

367
00:21:13,601 --> 00:21:15,740
And the next time
some kid picked on me,

368
00:21:15,937 --> 00:21:18,698
I beat his face to a pulp.

369
00:21:22,336 --> 00:21:23,970
You couldn't even recognize him.

370
00:21:29,400 --> 00:21:31,475
'Cause, see, fear is like fire.

371
00:21:32,098 --> 00:21:34,637
If you master it, then it can heat
your house, cook your food,

372
00:21:34,797 --> 00:21:38,364
But if it gets the best of you,
it can burn you. It can destroy you.

373
00:21:39,552 --> 00:21:40,979
You control your fear...

374
00:21:44,274 --> 00:21:46,603
You control your fear,
you control your life.

375
00:22:09,514 --> 00:22:10,688
Excuse me.

376
00:23:25,755 --> 00:23:26,948
Are you allright?

377
00:23:29,097 --> 00:23:30,872
Yeah, I don't think I can do this.

378
00:23:33,736 --> 00:23:34,891
Do what?

379
00:23:35,820 --> 00:23:37,229
This therapy, I..
It...

380
00:23:39,513 --> 00:23:41,024
That's just it's too much for me.

381
00:23:41,957 --> 00:23:45,038
I think I need a break of...
A few weeks or months.

382
00:23:52,389 --> 00:23:54,709
Just don't think
it's leading anywhere, that's all.

383
00:23:54,925 --> 00:23:56,208
It's not leading anywhere.

384
00:23:56,389 --> 00:23:58,328
Where do you want it to lead, Alex?

385
00:24:01,583 --> 00:24:04,015
Someplace where I feel
less shitty about myself.

386
00:24:09,418 --> 00:24:12,026
So at least where I could find
some balance in my life.

387
00:24:15,698 --> 00:24:17,773
Some place sane.
I miss flying.

388
00:24:23,318 --> 00:24:25,882
Somehow everything
is just much simpler up there.

389
00:24:28,119 --> 00:24:31,621
I can focus on something. The only thing
you have to think about is the mission.

390
00:24:35,171 --> 00:24:36,344
It's quiet.

391
00:24:39,578 --> 00:24:41,569
Is it possible to get that feeling

392
00:24:42,442 --> 00:24:44,111
on the ground, do you think?

393
00:24:47,939 --> 00:24:49,085
I don't know.

394
00:24:59,541 --> 00:25:01,784
You know, I got a call
from my wing commander, he's...

395
00:25:02,140 --> 00:25:03,905
he's interested in knowing how I'm doing.

396
00:25:04,781 --> 00:25:06,995
He's fishing, he's trying to figure out
if I'm ready.

397
00:25:08,524 --> 00:25:09,782
For active duty.

398
00:25:11,899 --> 00:25:15,186
You know, he said, "It's all sorts
of tests, Alex, it's a long process."

399
00:25:16,882 --> 00:25:18,719
Do you think
you're ready for that, Alex?

400
00:25:20,278 --> 00:25:21,517
What do you think?

401
00:25:22,193 --> 00:25:23,808
I don't think you're ready.

402
00:25:29,632 --> 00:25:31,566
Maybe I can discuss it
with Michaela.

403
00:25:32,204 --> 00:25:34,937
I don't think Sean and Daniel
would be much help, 'cause they...

404
00:25:35,191 --> 00:25:37,417
Gays don't really understand military.

405
00:25:37,946 --> 00:25:39,373
Or vice versa.

406
00:25:40,934 --> 00:25:42,921
Alex, these feelings

407
00:25:43,081 --> 00:25:45,960
and memories that you have
about your father,

408
00:25:46,432 --> 00:25:47,507
I think

409
00:25:48,010 --> 00:25:50,117
this is really something we should...

410
00:25:50,949 --> 00:25:52,456
we should come back to.

411
00:25:59,219 --> 00:26:01,670
I might actually have to go
in over the next few weeks,

412
00:26:02,871 --> 00:26:04,937
some days for some meetings and...

413
00:26:06,431 --> 00:26:08,469
So I keep you posted
if I can't come newt week.

414
00:26:08,657 --> 00:26:09,469
Sure.

415
00:26:12,465 --> 00:26:13,488
Thanks.