1
00:00:06,460 --> 00:00:08,450
Previously on In Treatment.

2
00:00:09,260 --> 00:00:10,970
I got a choice.

3
00:00:11,020 --> 00:00:14,640
Either I accept your superiority,
as if you're some kind of god,

4
00:00:15,000 --> 00:00:19,270
or I use my intelligence
and do a little investigating.

5
00:00:19,520 --> 00:00:22,310
Yeah, you'd be real surprised

6
00:00:22,560 --> 00:00:25,510
the kind of information you find out
from a few phone calls.

7
00:00:25,560 --> 00:00:29,070
I found a hell of a god.

8
00:00:29,420 --> 00:00:33,570
A god whose wife is sleeping around
behind his back,

9
00:00:33,920 --> 00:00:36,550
whose daughter is fucking junkies,

10
00:00:36,600 --> 00:00:40,790
and then Laura comes along and you...
you fall in love with that crazy slut.

11
00:00:41,640 --> 00:00:45,030
Don't you fucking talk about my patients,
you fuck!

12
00:01:02,360 --> 00:01:03,340
Oh.

13
00:01:03,400 --> 00:01:04,910
- Hi.
- Hi.

14
00:01:04,960 --> 00:01:07,910
Gosh, you never get the mail.

15
00:01:08,160 --> 00:01:10,540
Yet today, 30 seconds after it arrives,

16
00:01:10,600 --> 00:01:12,550
you're sprinting down to the kerb.

17
00:01:12,600 --> 00:01:14,630
What on earth could you be expecting?

18
00:01:14,680 --> 00:01:16,670
A love letter maybe?

19
00:01:19,420 --> 00:01:21,720
- I saw her, Paul.
- Who?

20
00:01:22,780 --> 00:01:24,610
Who?

21
00:01:24,660 --> 00:01:26,450
Laura. I saw her.

22
00:01:27,300 --> 00:01:28,860
Wh wh... what do you mean, you saw her?

23
00:01:28,860 --> 00:01:32,480
I was taking out the trash
and I saw her leaving.

24
00:01:35,320 --> 00:01:37,390
I thought you said she quit therapy.

25
00:01:37,440 --> 00:01:39,900
- She did quit.
- Then what the hell was she doing here?

26
00:01:39,960 --> 00:01:41,870
Her father's in the hospital

27
00:01:41,920 --> 00:01:44,990
and, um, she called me and asked me
if she could come in.

28
00:01:45,540 --> 00:01:47,010
What should I have said, Kate?

29
00:01:47,060 --> 00:01:51,090
"I'm sorry about this crisis with your father,
but I've told my wife that you've quit therapy."

30
00:01:51,140 --> 00:01:53,730
No, you should have
told me that she came back.

31
00:01:54,080 --> 00:01:56,070
It wasn't a social call.

32
00:01:56,120 --> 00:01:59,990
And if you wanted to find out what was
going on, all you had to do was ask me, Kate.

33
00:02:00,040 --> 00:02:02,500
Don't you dare turn this around on me.

34
00:02:02,860 --> 00:02:05,970
What, you think... you think you deserve her,
you've earned her?

35
00:02:06,020 --> 00:02:09,530
Because of what I did to you?
For Christ's sake.

36
00:02:10,900 --> 00:02:12,090
(Laughs)

37
00:02:13,100 --> 00:02:16,690
Well, lucky you.
Saved by the bell yet again.

38
00:02:47,980 --> 00:02:49,610
I'm glad you came back.

39
00:02:50,700 --> 00:02:52,690
I went against all my instincts.

40
00:02:55,540 --> 00:02:57,410
Come on in.

41
00:03:07,320 --> 00:03:10,550
- So what were your instincts?
- You want the truth?

44
00:03:16,060 --> 00:03:20,250
Well, the second one was an instinct
that I learned in the, uh...

45
00:03:20,600 --> 00:03:22,390
in the navy.

46
00:03:22,740 --> 00:03:24,370
It's a survival tactic we teach.

47
00:03:24,420 --> 00:03:26,130
Think like the enemy.

48
00:03:26,180 --> 00:03:28,210
I've been trying to understand

49
00:03:28,260 --> 00:03:30,690
- why you're all so afraid of me.
- Hm.

50
00:03:31,700 --> 00:03:34,570
When you say "all",
who would you be referring to?

51
00:03:34,620 --> 00:03:37,210
You and the rest of the world.

52
00:03:37,760 --> 00:03:40,390
Listen. I realise I threaten you...

53
00:03:41,320 --> 00:03:43,390
and that's where your aggression comes from.

54
00:03:43,440 --> 00:03:46,830
So in what way do...
you threaten us, do you think?

55
00:03:47,480 --> 00:03:49,940
You consider me a murderer.

56
00:03:50,000 --> 00:03:51,990
The last couple of weeks

57
00:03:52,040 --> 00:03:53,990
I've been trying to figure out -

58
00:03:54,040 --> 00:03:56,030
when people look in my eyes...

59
00:03:58,120 --> 00:04:00,390
Iook at my hands,
can they - can they tell

60
00:04:00,440 --> 00:04:04,670
that I've killed 42 people
in the past 20 years?

61
00:04:05,220 --> 00:04:07,210
That's 42 human beings.

62
00:04:08,100 --> 00:04:09,970
You can't hide something like that, right?

63
00:04:10,020 --> 00:04:12,730
There's something about me -
they've got to see that.

64
00:04:13,080 --> 00:04:14,430
And it scares them.

65
00:04:14,480 --> 00:04:16,830
So do you think that
there is something about you,

66
00:04:16,880 --> 00:04:19,230
something obvious that people see?

67
00:04:19,280 --> 00:04:20,750
(Scoffs)

68
00:04:21,300 --> 00:04:24,770
You probably wanted to strangle me
the first time I walked through that door.

69
00:04:24,820 --> 00:04:27,890
In the last session, you finally
got a chance to show your hatred

70
00:04:27,940 --> 00:04:29,570
for people like me.

71
00:04:29,620 --> 00:04:33,240
I think maybe that's how
you see yourself, Alex.

72
00:04:33,500 --> 00:04:37,530
Maybe that's why you pushed me
to such a violent place.

73
00:04:37,580 --> 00:04:41,330
So that I'd treat you the way that
you think you should be treated.

74
00:04:41,380 --> 00:04:43,370
Let me remind you, you attacked me.

75
00:04:44,700 --> 00:04:45,680
Mm.

76
00:04:46,580 --> 00:04:50,090
So what did you feel
when I attacked you?

77
00:04:51,980 --> 00:04:53,770
What did I feel?

78
00:04:54,580 --> 00:04:56,610
A slight tremor in the wing.

79
00:04:56,960 --> 00:05:00,630
- That's it.
- So, no big deal.

80
00:05:00,980 --> 00:05:02,930
No big deal.

81
00:05:02,980 --> 00:05:06,680
But, Alex, I pushed you against the bookcase.
I threw coffee in your face.

82
00:05:08,700 --> 00:05:09,460
I'm just curious.

83
00:05:09,460 --> 00:05:12,890
What happened in your body?
What was going through your head?

84
00:05:13,440 --> 00:05:17,310
Hold on a second. I just realised something.
You... you haven't apologised yet.

85
00:05:17,660 --> 00:05:19,410
OK, before anything aren't you supposed to say,

86
00:05:19,460 --> 00:05:22,020
"I apologise. I'm sorry.
It'll never happen again."

87
00:05:22,360 --> 00:05:25,190
I've been here five minutes so far
and I got nothing from you.

88
00:05:25,240 --> 00:05:26,630
You're right.

89
00:05:27,480 --> 00:05:29,780
You're absolutely right.

90
00:05:29,840 --> 00:05:31,830
I apologise.

91
00:05:34,140 --> 00:05:35,730
It should not have happened.

92
00:05:38,940 --> 00:05:41,890
But I felt...

93
00:05:42,240 --> 00:05:45,830
very offended by what you said.

94
00:05:46,180 --> 00:05:47,450
Offended?

95
00:05:47,500 --> 00:05:50,170
No, no, no.
That's not part of the deal.

96
00:05:50,220 --> 00:05:52,810
No, I can say whatever
the hell I want in here.

97
00:05:52,860 --> 00:05:54,650
That's the point of going to a shrink.

98
00:05:54,700 --> 00:05:58,090
You want me to censor every sentence
or keep wondering if I might hurt you?

99
00:05:58,440 --> 00:06:01,350
Well, it's still like a relationship, Alex.

100
00:06:01,700 --> 00:06:04,330
There are... There are boundaries.

101
00:06:04,680 --> 00:06:08,190
I felt that you were out to hurt me.

102
00:06:08,240 --> 00:06:11,510
And I... was...

103
00:06:11,560 --> 00:06:13,190
very hurt.

104
00:06:15,520 --> 00:06:18,080
What offended you so much?

105
00:06:18,620 --> 00:06:21,000
I mean, it was all true, wasn't it?

106
00:06:21,060 --> 00:06:23,520
Well, you invaded my privacy.

107
00:06:23,580 --> 00:06:27,360
You talked about the people I love,
and you spoke about them with contempt

108
00:06:27,720 --> 00:06:29,950
and with what I felt was...

109
00:06:30,000 --> 00:06:31,910
deliberate cruelty.

110
00:06:37,880 --> 00:06:39,270
OK.

111
00:06:42,020 --> 00:06:44,970
So I guess my therapy is over...

112
00:06:45,520 --> 00:06:46,550
now, right?

113
00:06:46,600 --> 00:06:48,880
That's not what I said, Alex.

114
00:06:48,880 --> 00:06:51,340
No, but it's what you think.

115
00:06:51,600 --> 00:06:55,750
Listen, You're tired of taking the shit I give you
all the time and, actually, I don't blame you.

116
00:06:56,000 --> 00:06:58,300
If I were you, I'd have gotten
rid of me a long time ago.

117
00:06:58,360 --> 00:06:59,950
So that's why you say those things?

118
00:07:00,000 --> 00:07:03,430
In the hopes that I would, what,
run away, kick you out?

119
00:07:03,780 --> 00:07:05,850
It's not gonna happen, Alex.

120
00:07:06,340 --> 00:07:07,730
(Laughs)

121
00:07:08,280 --> 00:07:10,310
Ok, You know, you guys really do live in a bubble.

122
00:07:10,360 --> 00:07:14,830
You live in this world, you don't...
It's all theories, you don't engage...

123
00:07:17,160 --> 00:07:18,510
What?

124
00:07:20,480 --> 00:07:21,700
(Sighs)

125
00:07:23,720 --> 00:07:26,430
Finish that thought.
What were you going to say?

126
00:07:27,700 --> 00:07:30,810
No, I just remembered
this dream I had. Um...

127
00:07:32,400 --> 00:07:35,350
I was on the ground,
and I was driving this little car

128
00:07:35,800 --> 00:07:38,910
on the Iraqi international airport highway.

129
00:07:38,960 --> 00:07:41,910
They call it the highway to hell.

130
00:07:42,260 --> 00:07:46,010
And all of a sudden
I'm in Baghdad in this traffic jam

131
00:07:46,060 --> 00:07:49,370
and above my head I see this enemy plane,
it's a Czech MiG... uh...

132
00:07:49,420 --> 00:07:52,770
I'm not sure what it is exactly,
but this MiG is being followed

133
00:07:52,820 --> 00:07:55,770
by one of our jets, an F-16.

134
00:07:56,320 --> 00:07:58,110
Everyone's looking up, watching.

135
00:07:58,160 --> 00:08:00,310
And I say to myself,

136
00:08:00,360 --> 00:08:03,150
"Why isn't he shooting?

137
00:08:03,200 --> 00:08:05,190
"Why doesn't he blow him out of the sky?"

138
00:08:06,040 --> 00:08:09,110
Now, maybe he's afraid the debris
will fall on the people below, but

139
00:08:09,160 --> 00:08:12,390
but I know in the dream the orders
are to take that fucker down, so

140
00:08:12,440 --> 00:08:15,030
They're flying real close and manoeuvring,

141
00:08:15,080 --> 00:08:17,950
and our guy doesn't launch.

142
00:08:18,000 --> 00:08:20,300
And the enemy plane is getting away.

143
00:08:20,360 --> 00:08:23,390
It's driving me crazy.
Shit, he's on his way to our base camp.

144
00:08:23,440 --> 00:08:24,950
All the people on the ground,

145
00:08:25,000 --> 00:08:28,390
they're waiting for him to take the MiG down,
and they're bloodthirsty.

146
00:08:28,440 --> 00:08:30,230
And it doesn't happen.

147
00:08:31,500 --> 00:08:33,690
They just fly away.

148
00:08:37,200 --> 00:08:39,660
And that's it.

149
00:08:39,920 --> 00:08:43,790
(Laughs) So, do you think you would have
done better if you had been up there?

150
00:08:43,840 --> 00:08:45,230
Shit.

151
00:08:45,280 --> 00:08:49,550
Any pilot worth his salt would have
blown that asshole to kingdom come.

152
00:08:50,100 --> 00:08:52,290
And who is the pilot?

153
00:08:52,340 --> 00:08:54,770
Um, maybe it's me. I don't know.

154
00:08:54,820 --> 00:08:56,970
You're the one who can't shoot?

155
00:08:57,320 --> 00:08:58,910
Wh ...Why not?

156
00:09:00,000 --> 00:09:01,750
I don't know, may ...

157
00:09:01,800 --> 00:09:04,990
Maybe because the other guy,
the other pilot,

158
00:09:05,240 --> 00:09:07,950
is not that dangerous, I knew that.

159
00:09:08,000 --> 00:09:09,670
He's only...

160
00:09:09,720 --> 00:09:10,830
What?

161
00:09:10,880 --> 00:09:12,590
He's only what?

162
00:09:13,340 --> 00:09:16,040
Who's s, who's ..., who's is sitting in the plane?

163
00:09:16,040 --> 00:09:18,190
Who's sitting in the enemy plane
that you refuse to shoot down?

164
00:09:18,340 --> 00:09:20,490
I don't know.
I don't know who's there, i don't know

165
00:09:20,740 --> 00:09:23,450
- No, who is the enemy, Alex?
- Hey, stop, man.

166
00:09:23,800 --> 00:09:26,030
Jeez, when you want to pressure,
you pressure.

167
00:09:32,360 --> 00:09:34,350
I don't know.

168
00:09:37,160 --> 00:09:38,590
Who's my enemy? You?

169
00:09:38,640 --> 00:09:41,590
- Is that how it feels?
- No, it's not you cos you're not there.

170
00:09:45,020 --> 00:09:46,240
No.

171
00:09:47,840 --> 00:09:49,270
Maybe it's my father.

172
00:09:52,380 --> 00:09:53,690
What?

173
00:09:54,440 --> 00:09:57,150
What, you know the answer,
but you don't wanna...

174
00:09:57,500 --> 00:10:00,410
- You want me to come up with it.
- No, it's just a dream.

175
00:10:00,460 --> 00:10:04,530
I'm just... I'm just helping you
to... to look at it, that's all.

176
00:10:04,880 --> 00:10:07,830
Yeah ok well, then, you must have some chart
or something around here

177
00:10:07,880 --> 00:10:10,630
telling you what every part of a dream
represents in reality.

178
00:10:10,680 --> 00:10:13,350
No, not really.
Sometimes a number of images can...

179
00:10:13,700 --> 00:10:15,330
can represent the same thing.

180
00:10:15,680 --> 00:10:18,630
So it's me?
That's what you're saying, right?

181
00:10:18,680 --> 00:10:21,270
That I was the enemy pilot?

182
00:10:21,620 --> 00:10:23,010
I'm my own enemy?

183
00:10:24,760 --> 00:10:27,600
Well look, it's not clear, actually,
that he's even an enemy, i mean

184
00:10:27,600 --> 00:10:30,190
It's not that he doesn't have identification
marks on the plane, I ...

185
00:10:30,240 --> 00:10:33,630
I'm just not familiar with it.
I don't know for sure...

186
00:10:35,140 --> 00:10:37,730
But he is... He is trying to get away from you.

187
00:10:39,780 --> 00:10:44,570
What do you think of this guy,
this pilot, this fleeing pilot?

188
00:10:44,820 --> 00:10:46,410
I think he's a fucking coward.

189
00:10:46,760 --> 00:10:49,460
- Oh, yeah. What else?
- He's not a man.

190
00:10:49,460 --> 00:10:50,650
He's running like a pussy

191
00:10:50,700 --> 00:10:53,730
instead of turning around,
standing his ground and fighting.

192
00:10:54,080 --> 00:10:55,830
I'm dying to come up to that pitiful fucker

193
00:10:55,880 --> 00:10:59,470
and shove an air-to-air missile
up his rear burner.

194
00:11:14,310 --> 00:11:16,170
What are you thinking?

195
00:11:19,340 --> 00:11:20,850
Say it.

196
00:11:29,080 --> 00:11:30,550
You think I'm a faggot?

197
00:11:32,640 --> 00:11:34,590
Huh.

198
00:11:35,140 --> 00:11:38,050
That would go right along
with all my father's theories.

199
00:11:38,100 --> 00:11:40,210
Only girls and fags see a shrink.

200
00:11:40,260 --> 00:11:42,690
So, what if I'm a fag?

201
00:11:43,040 --> 00:11:45,710
You know, you said it very clearly before.

202
00:11:46,070 --> 00:11:48,390
- Did I?
- Well, maybe you didn't say it,

203
00:11:48,690 --> 00:11:51,470
- but you've been leading me there.
- I have?

204
00:11:51,860 --> 00:11:54,480
Yeah, you're dying to say
it's a homosexual dream.

205
00:11:54,680 --> 00:11:56,190
I'm tailing him.

206
00:11:56,240 --> 00:11:58,390
Uh, I see a fire come out of his back burner.

207
00:11:58,440 --> 00:12:00,630
I wanna shove my...

208
00:12:07,780 --> 00:12:09,770
It all fits, doesn't it?

209
00:12:19,610 --> 00:12:21,870
Even Daniel never suspected it...

210
00:12:26,820 --> 00:12:30,330
- Well, that could explain a lot of things.
- What things?

211
00:12:30,680 --> 00:12:32,630
L .. Laura, for instance.

212
00:12:32,680 --> 00:12:35,310
That lousy fuck we had the first time.

213
00:12:36,360 --> 00:12:38,070
And Michaela.

214
00:12:41,400 --> 00:12:44,510
The fact that I'm suddenly
not attracted to her any more.

215
00:12:46,380 --> 00:12:49,770
We saw each other this week at a restaurant,
she wants me to come home and...

216
00:12:49,820 --> 00:12:54,170
thought it'd be better
if we talked to each other In person.

217
00:12:54,220 --> 00:12:57,010
She was... she was driving hard, man.

218
00:12:57,260 --> 00:12:59,850
Just on a mission, on attack.

219
00:13:01,180 --> 00:13:03,190
She wanted to start
by getting a room ASAP.

220
00:13:03,190 --> 00:13:07,000
To this there's a hotel above the restaurant
and I said I couldn't. I couldn't.

221
00:13:09,000 --> 00:13:10,910
I told her I had somewhere to be,

222
00:13:10,960 --> 00:13:13,790
and we would do it another time.

223
00:13:14,140 --> 00:13:17,090
Now I really did have
something else to do that night.

224
00:13:17,140 --> 00:13:19,850
I was supposed to go
with Daniel and his...

225
00:13:19,900 --> 00:13:21,610
his partner Sean to a party.

226
00:13:25,000 --> 00:13:28,510
You wanna stand this amazing woman wants to fuck
the shit out of me in a five-star hotel

227
00:13:28,560 --> 00:13:32,470
and instead I'm going to Georgetown with
these two fags, do you understand that?

228
00:13:33,860 --> 00:13:38,800
And... and why do you think
you'd rather spend time with, uh... with them?

229
00:13:42,740 --> 00:13:45,290
(Sighs) Everything's a joke with them.

230
00:13:46,200 --> 00:13:49,950
I mean, I don't know if you're familiar
with their world but their humour...

231
00:13:50,350 --> 00:13:53,910
is in seeing everything from the outside,
like they're not a part of it, like like...

232
00:13:54,350 --> 00:13:55,890
- like they're above it.
- Hm.

233
00:13:55,890 --> 00:13:58,680
And by "they",
you mean ... you mean homosexuals?

234
00:13:58,780 --> 00:14:02,320
Yeah, especially Sean's crowd.
I mean, he's genuinely queer.

235
00:14:02,820 --> 00:14:06,650
You know, he's not the kind
that's in conflict with himself. This...

236
00:14:06,700 --> 00:14:09,160
Sean is immune to tension.

237
00:14:09,590 --> 00:14:12,790
He's happy.
He's happy all the time and...

238
00:14:12,840 --> 00:14:14,470
He just has no subconscious.

239
00:14:14,620 --> 00:14:17,510
Everything is, pow, right out in the open.

240
00:14:22,380 --> 00:14:24,050
Is that something that...

241
00:14:24,100 --> 00:14:26,660
Is that something that you envy?

242
00:14:28,730 --> 00:14:30,850
Well, they don't pressure me.

243
00:14:32,720 --> 00:14:36,590
Any day they give you shit to provoke you,
and they love that shit, but...

244
00:14:37,730 --> 00:14:40,020
You know, Sean asked me,

245
00:14:40,310 --> 00:14:43,350
"Why do you always desperately...

246
00:14:43,900 --> 00:14:46,360
"try to please everybody all the time?

247
00:14:46,420 --> 00:14:49,850
"God and country, everybody."

248
00:14:50,040 --> 00:14:53,130
But it's bullshit. They don't care.
They really don't care.

249
00:14:53,480 --> 00:14:57,450
They don't demand of me
to be anything...

250
00:14:58,040 --> 00:14:59,050
extra.

251
00:15:00,880 --> 00:15:04,830
That night we got home about four am,
and, uh, Daniel went to the bedroom,

252
00:15:04,880 --> 00:15:06,870
and Sean and I stayed in the living room.

253
00:15:06,920 --> 00:15:09,710
He got a DVD,
some gay porn thing and i...

254
00:15:10,080 --> 00:15:13,350
Look, I don't know if
he was trying to provoke me or what.

255
00:15:13,930 --> 00:15:15,450
And...

256
00:15:15,520 --> 00:15:18,010
He even suggested afterwards
I'd be ready for bed.

257
00:15:18,220 --> 00:15:21,420
He said it jokingly,
but he wasn't playing.

258
00:15:24,050 --> 00:15:25,550
He told me once,

259
00:15:25,790 --> 00:15:27,310
"I didn't know the meaning of life

260
00:15:27,610 --> 00:15:30,310
"until I got fucked in the ass."

261
00:15:36,880 --> 00:15:38,390
(Sighs)

262
00:16:10,730 --> 00:16:14,470
I once read that, psychologically,
water symbolises emotions.

263
00:16:17,760 --> 00:16:21,200
I wonder what your collection
of boats says about you.

264
00:16:22,040 --> 00:16:24,590
I don't know.
Maybe that I'm an emotional wreck.

265
00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:30,030
Maybe you want to go out to sea,

266
00:16:30,250 --> 00:16:31,870
but you don't.

267
00:16:33,540 --> 00:16:37,410
Ah. You mean that I want to express
my feelings, but I can't.

268
00:16:43,350 --> 00:16:46,290
You know, my father's a lifetime Democrat,

269
00:16:46,690 --> 00:16:48,190
A war protester.

270
00:16:49,080 --> 00:16:51,790
And I knew that if I joined the navy,

271
00:16:51,840 --> 00:16:53,430
it would piss him off.

272
00:16:53,740 --> 00:16:56,060
So fuck it, I went to ROTC in high school,

273
00:16:56,120 --> 00:16:57,990
and then I got my wings.

274
00:16:58,040 --> 00:17:01,110
He couldn't tell me shit.

275
00:17:01,160 --> 00:17:02,470
Hm.

276
00:17:02,820 --> 00:17:06,050
I remember the first time
you were here, you said that...

277
00:17:06,230 --> 00:17:10,770
that you didn't choose to be a pilot,
that life chose it for you.

278
00:17:11,160 --> 00:17:13,310
- Yeah.
- But I don't know about that.

279
00:17:13,790 --> 00:17:16,330
I think maybe you did choose that path,

280
00:17:16,380 --> 00:17:18,650
and that you did it to defy your father.

281
00:17:19,880 --> 00:17:23,510
He wanted me to be hard.
There's nothing harder than a TOPGUN grad.

282
00:17:23,560 --> 00:17:25,990
Yeah, but that's still a reaction to him.

283
00:17:26,300 --> 00:17:28,230
It's not your desire.

284
00:17:28,280 --> 00:17:31,030
I don't think you're in touch
with what you really want.

285
00:17:31,080 --> 00:17:33,560
Oh Wh What I really want?
What are you ... what are you saying?

286
00:17:33,560 --> 00:17:36,790
What I really wanted was
to be something else?

287
00:17:37,110 --> 00:17:38,370
Gay?

288
00:17:39,660 --> 00:17:41,900
Have you ever been attracted to men, Alex?

289
00:17:42,520 --> 00:17:43,510
No.

290
00:17:43,940 --> 00:17:46,050
Ever had a sexual fantasy about a man?

291
00:17:46,870 --> 00:17:49,420
I have never... No.

292
00:17:49,580 --> 00:17:51,030
No.

293
00:17:51,320 --> 00:17:53,710
So when you say the word gay,
what do you mean by that?

294
00:17:53,960 --> 00:17:56,950
I don't know. Don't take me there, man.

295
00:17:58,360 --> 00:18:01,920
This ..., this saying what you think
all the time, that's gay.

296
00:18:01,920 --> 00:18:03,910
Those guys, they... they have no filters.

297
00:18:04,260 --> 00:18:05,230
What else?

298
00:18:08,960 --> 00:18:11,400
Talking about your feelings all the time.

299
00:18:11,510 --> 00:18:15,000
So what you do here, for example, the way
you interact with me, your father said...

300
00:18:15,060 --> 00:18:19,450
he said that anybody
who goes to a shrink is a... is a... is a fag?

301
00:18:25,490 --> 00:18:27,780
How did you get on with your dad
when you were a kid?

302
00:18:28,210 --> 00:18:28,980
(Scoffs)

303
00:18:30,470 --> 00:18:31,140
(Laughs)

304
00:18:34,100 --> 00:18:34,890
Um...

305
00:18:36,350 --> 00:18:39,480
I remember as a kid
my father taking me to a church.

306
00:18:39,680 --> 00:18:42,270
This was the Riverside Church up in Harlem.

307
00:18:42,270 --> 00:18:45,450
And back in those days,
I lived kind of a double life.

308
00:18:45,690 --> 00:18:50,130
During the week, I went to this
all-boys private school ... elite.

309
00:18:50,590 --> 00:18:54,210
- The finest teachers, it was...
- The best, right?

310
00:18:55,290 --> 00:18:58,450
Right. It was also
a totally sheltered environment.

311
00:18:58,760 --> 00:19:03,250
So on the weekend, my dad would take me
to all these real rough ghetto areas,

312
00:19:03,640 --> 00:19:05,890
You know, to places where he volunteered
his time and money.

313
00:19:06,440 --> 00:19:08,760
You know, he wanted to make sure
that I knew how lucky I was

314
00:19:08,760 --> 00:19:11,110
to live my little soft, cushy life.

315
00:19:11,350 --> 00:19:13,950
I dreaded those fucking weekends,
hated them.

316
00:19:14,480 --> 00:19:16,070
It's like he was always trying to test me.

317
00:19:16,480 --> 00:19:20,390
Anyway, the Riverside Church had this
athletic programme that my dad supported.

318
00:19:20,890 --> 00:19:23,830
He needed to talk to the guy
that ran the place, so they told me,

319
00:19:24,100 --> 00:19:26,610
"You wait outside,
shoot some baskets and ..."

320
00:19:28,230 --> 00:19:30,990
So it's early and the courts are deserted.

321
00:19:30,990 --> 00:19:32,970
And it's a really... It's a bad area.

322
00:19:33,030 --> 00:19:35,930
But long story short,
this kid comes up. He's about...

323
00:19:36,100 --> 00:19:37,770
I don't know, he's 14.

324
00:19:39,160 --> 00:19:41,530
And he beat the hell out of me.

325
00:19:41,880 --> 00:19:42,860
He, uh...

326
00:19:43,380 --> 00:19:45,070
kicked me in the head a few times.

327
00:19:46,450 --> 00:19:49,230
He had this box cutter.
I thought he was gonna slice my face.

328
00:19:49,280 --> 00:19:52,510
But he wound up taking
some little bullshit chain I had and...

329
00:19:52,860 --> 00:19:55,420
my sneakers, he took my sneakers,
took my socks and he even...

330
00:19:55,560 --> 00:19:59,130
he even took this little
half-full pack of chewing gum.

331
00:20:00,470 --> 00:20:01,500
And...

332
00:20:02,370 --> 00:20:03,970
I went upstairs

333
00:20:04,460 --> 00:20:07,590
and my dad sees me,
and he sees I just got my ass kicked,

334
00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:10,930
that I got no sneakers, no socks.

335
00:20:12,220 --> 00:20:14,610
And I started to tell him what happened.

336
00:20:17,280 --> 00:20:19,390
And I... I started crying.

337
00:20:21,160 --> 00:20:23,110
So my dad...

338
00:20:24,780 --> 00:20:26,390
slapped the shit out of me.

339
00:20:29,540 --> 00:20:31,380
It sounded like a whip crack.

340
00:20:33,150 --> 00:20:37,000
And he made me walk around barefoot
for the whole rest of the day

341
00:20:37,040 --> 00:20:39,870
just to teach me a lesson.

342
00:20:40,900 --> 00:20:42,030
What age were you?

343
00:20:46,630 --> 00:20:47,470
11.

344
00:20:49,120 --> 00:20:52,210
And the next weekend he took me to a gym

345
00:20:52,560 --> 00:20:54,230
to meet up with this guy named Tom,

346
00:20:54,280 --> 00:20:57,980
and Tom said that there are
two types of martial arts.

347
00:20:58,040 --> 00:21:01,950
"One is the kind that's a physical
and spiritual discipline, a way of life.

348
00:21:02,280 --> 00:21:06,150
"The second type
is where you learn to fight,

349
00:21:06,520 --> 00:21:08,310
"and this here is a fighting gym.

350
00:21:08,360 --> 00:21:11,030
"You got a problem with that?"

351
00:21:11,500 --> 00:21:14,030
I didn't have a problem with it,
cos I didn't want anybody

352
00:21:14,080 --> 00:21:17,430
to ever put their hands on me
like that ever again.

353
00:21:18,720 --> 00:21:20,490
So I came four days a week after school,

354
00:21:20,540 --> 00:21:22,210
and I learned, and I learned fast.

355
00:21:22,260 --> 00:21:24,330
And the next time some kid picked on me,

356
00:21:24,780 --> 00:21:27,570
I beat his face to a pulp.

357
00:21:31,460 --> 00:21:33,270
You couldn't even recognise him.

358
00:21:38,450 --> 00:21:40,760
Cos, see, fear is like fire.

359
00:21:41,200 --> 00:21:43,730
If you master it,
then it can heat your house, cook your food,

360
00:21:43,780 --> 00:21:48,170
but if it gets the best of you,
it can burn you, it can destroy you.

361
00:21:48,550 --> 00:21:50,900
You control your fear...

362
00:21:53,320 --> 00:21:56,270
You control your fear,
you control your life.

363
00:21:57,430 --> 00:21:58,730
(Clears throat)

364
00:22:18,580 --> 00:22:20,330
Excuse me.

365
00:22:27,650 --> 00:22:28,820
(Sobs)

366
00:22:58,080 --> 00:22:59,350
(Sighs)

367
00:23:34,780 --> 00:23:36,230
Are you all right?

368
00:23:38,110 --> 00:23:40,380
Yeah, I don't think I can do this.

369
00:23:42,760 --> 00:23:44,230
Do what?

370
00:23:44,870 --> 00:23:46,660
This therapy, I...

371
00:23:47,930 --> 00:23:50,310
(Sighs) It's just too much for me.

372
00:23:50,960 --> 00:23:52,570
I think I need a break, uh...

373
00:23:52,920 --> 00:23:54,350
a few weeks, a month.

374
00:23:59,820 --> 00:24:01,110
(Sighs)

375
00:24:01,460 --> 00:24:03,840
I just don't think it's leading anywhere,
that's all.

376
00:24:03,950 --> 00:24:05,290
It's not leading anywhere.

377
00:24:05,430 --> 00:24:07,720
Where do you want it to lead, Alex?

378
00:24:10,610 --> 00:24:13,510
Someplace where I feel
less shitty about myself.

379
00:24:13,560 --> 00:24:14,670
(Sighs)

380
00:24:18,450 --> 00:24:21,810
Someplace where I can find
some balance in my life.

381
00:24:24,730 --> 00:24:27,430
Someplace sane. I miss flying.

382
00:24:29,920 --> 00:24:30,840
(Sighs)

383
00:24:32,340 --> 00:24:35,730
Somehow everything is
just much simpler up there.

384
00:24:37,150 --> 00:24:41,450
I can focus on something. The only thing
you gotta think about is the mission.

385
00:24:44,190 --> 00:24:45,460
It's quiet.

386
00:24:48,600 --> 00:24:50,900
Is it possible to get that feeling

387
00:24:51,470 --> 00:24:53,670
on the ground, do you think?

388
00:24:57,020 --> 00:24:58,540
I don't know.

389
00:25:07,360 --> 00:25:08,090
(Sniffs)

390
00:25:08,640 --> 00:25:10,990
You know, i got a call from my wing commander, he's...

391
00:25:11,160 --> 00:25:13,550
he's interested in knowing how I'm doing.

392
00:25:13,820 --> 00:25:16,280
He's fishing.
He's trying to figure out if I'm ready...

393
00:25:17,560 --> 00:25:19,290
for active duty.

394
00:25:20,950 --> 00:25:22,990
It's, you know, all sorts of tests, though.

395
00:25:23,040 --> 00:25:25,600
It's a long process.

396
00:25:25,940 --> 00:25:28,130
Do you think you're ready for that, Alex?

397
00:25:28,180 --> 00:25:29,370
(Sniffs)

398
00:25:29,420 --> 00:25:30,730
What do you think?

399
00:25:30,780 --> 00:25:33,010
No, I don't think you're ready.

400
00:25:38,680 --> 00:25:40,800
Maybe I can discuss it with Michaela.

401
00:25:41,270 --> 00:25:43,870
I don't think Sean and Daniel
would be much help.

402
00:25:44,240 --> 00:25:46,870
Gays don't really
understand the military,

403
00:25:46,920 --> 00:25:49,300
or vice versa.

404
00:25:49,960 --> 00:25:52,990
Alex, these... these feelings and memories

405
00:25:53,040 --> 00:25:55,150
that you have about your father,

406
00:25:55,460 --> 00:25:59,630
I think this is really something
we should...

407
00:26:00,010 --> 00:26:01,590
we should come back to.

408
00:26:05,730 --> 00:26:07,090
Yeah. Uh...

409
00:26:08,310 --> 00:26:11,650
I might actually have to go in
over the next few weeks...

410
00:26:11,930 --> 00:26:14,850
some days for some meetings...

411
00:26:15,450 --> 00:26:17,670
so I'll keep you posted
if I can't come next week.

412
00:26:17,840 --> 00:26:18,700
Sure.

413
00:26:21,360 --> 00:26:22,910
Thanks.

414
00:26:45,000 --> 00:26:48,000
Synced and corrected by:
GhostedNet