1 00:00:01,630 --> 00:00:03,097 Kids, I never would have 2 00:00:03,198 --> 00:00:05,063 met your mother without a little luck. 3 00:00:05,200 --> 00:00:06,895 Specifically, the luck of the Irish. 4 00:00:07,569 --> 00:00:08,627 St. Patrick's Day. 5 00:00:08,737 --> 00:00:10,568 The one day of the year when every young person 6 00:00:10,672 --> 00:00:12,833 in New York goes out and gets crazy. 7 00:00:13,608 --> 00:00:14,973 Really crazy. 8 00:00:15,610 --> 00:00:17,100 Okay. Maybe not that crazy. 9 00:00:17,712 --> 00:00:22,081 But by 2008, we'd all had enough. Well, most of us. 10 00:00:22,184 --> 00:00:25,449 Who wants to kiss the Barney Stone? 11 00:00:25,554 --> 00:00:27,454 - Look it's the Riddler. - That's not the Riddler. 12 00:00:27,556 --> 00:00:30,491 That's Gumby. Hey, Gumby, can we tie you in a knot later? 13 00:00:30,592 --> 00:00:33,618 Hey! NBA player sidelined by a knee injury. 14 00:00:34,062 --> 00:00:36,155 All right, laugh all you want, 15 00:00:36,264 --> 00:00:39,233 but this is my lucky St. Patty's Day suit. Yup. 16 00:00:39,334 --> 00:00:42,826 I have dry-cleaned many a stain off of this baby. 17 00:00:43,205 --> 00:00:45,139 You know why it's lucky? 'Cause it's green. 18 00:00:45,240 --> 00:00:47,640 The color of go, as in "Let's." 19 00:00:47,742 --> 00:00:50,939 Barney, we talked this over 20 00:00:51,246 --> 00:00:52,975 and we're not doing St. Patty's Day this year. 21 00:00:54,349 --> 00:00:55,714 Come on. Let's... 22 00:00:56,518 --> 00:00:57,883 Are you... 23 00:00:59,955 --> 00:01:01,320 Wow, okay. 24 00:01:01,556 --> 00:01:02,989 I think I got to lie down. 25 00:01:03,091 --> 00:01:04,786 Can we shoot pool on you? 26 00:01:04,893 --> 00:01:09,853 No, no! Unacceptable. That's so not Raven. 27 00:01:10,165 --> 00:01:11,723 Well, what are you going to do instead? 28 00:01:11,833 --> 00:01:13,027 We just got the keys to our new apartment, 29 00:01:13,135 --> 00:01:16,195 so we're gonna go over there and hang that painting, have board game night. 30 00:01:16,304 --> 00:01:17,965 You're welcome to join us if you want. 31 00:01:18,073 --> 00:01:19,734 Board game night? 32 00:01:20,475 --> 00:01:23,205 Board game night. Come on! 33 00:01:23,712 --> 00:01:27,113 Let's drink green beer. Let's do green Jell-O shots. 34 00:01:27,215 --> 00:01:28,739 Where's your St. Patty's Day spirit? 35 00:01:28,850 --> 00:01:32,183 - We're drinking green tea. - With caffeine. 36 00:01:32,754 --> 00:01:34,346 Sorry, Peter, we're grown-ups now. 37 00:01:34,456 --> 00:01:37,118 We can't fly off to Neverland with you anymore. 38 00:01:37,492 --> 00:01:39,790 All right, fine. 39 00:01:39,895 --> 00:01:43,092 You know what? I'll celebrate St. Patty's Day by myself. 40 00:01:43,198 --> 00:01:46,759 I don't need you people. You make me physically ill! 41 00:01:48,603 --> 00:01:50,662 He did look a little green. 44 00:01:58,980 --> 00:02:00,880 How are you? Yeah. I haven't talked to you forever. 45 00:02:00,982 --> 00:02:02,950 - Who is it? - It's Ted's butt. 46 00:02:05,053 --> 00:02:09,251 Damn it! My phone keeps pocket dialing. That's like the 8th time today. 47 00:02:09,357 --> 00:02:12,417 In fairness, I did call Ted's butt at like 2:00 this afternoon. 48 00:02:12,527 --> 00:02:14,427 It took long enough to call you back. 49 00:02:17,832 --> 00:02:19,129 Barney? Where are you? 50 00:02:19,234 --> 00:02:23,603 In a cab, heading downtown with our hot and sexy dates for the evening. 51 00:02:23,705 --> 00:02:26,367 Yes, it happens that fast! 52 00:02:26,775 --> 00:02:29,505 We're going to that club, Low Point, and you're coming with us. 53 00:02:29,611 --> 00:02:30,805 Barney, for the last time... 54 00:02:30,912 --> 00:02:33,813 All right, I didn't want to tell you this in front of Marshall and Lily 55 00:02:33,915 --> 00:02:36,315 because they are old and married and it's too late for them anyway. 56 00:02:36,418 --> 00:02:40,354 But, Ted, the world is going to come to an end tonight. 57 00:02:41,723 --> 00:02:43,315 Yes, think about it. 58 00:02:43,425 --> 00:02:46,121 End of the world. Nostradamus. Notre Dame. 59 00:02:46,228 --> 00:02:49,288 Fighting Irish. Irish. St. Patrick's Day. 60 00:02:49,431 --> 00:02:52,696 This is it, bro. Bro-pocalypse Now. 61 00:02:53,602 --> 00:02:55,092 Bromageddon. 62 00:02:55,203 --> 00:02:57,671 Ted, you are young, you're single. 63 00:02:57,772 --> 00:02:59,205 You will have so much more fun with me. 64 00:02:59,307 --> 00:03:01,935 Do you really want to spend your last night on Earth 65 00:03:02,043 --> 00:03:04,534 playing board games with Marshall and Lily? 66 00:03:07,182 --> 00:03:09,548 My hands smell weird. Smell this. 67 00:03:10,151 --> 00:03:12,176 Yeah, they do, that's new. 68 00:03:12,687 --> 00:03:14,746 I'll be there in five minutes. 69 00:03:14,990 --> 00:03:17,584 Yes! All right! 70 00:03:17,692 --> 00:03:19,717 He's in. Ted is a great guy. 71 00:03:22,964 --> 00:03:25,364 You're going to love him. 72 00:03:26,167 --> 00:03:28,795 So, on March 17, 2008, 73 00:03:28,937 --> 00:03:31,531 I went to a big St. Patrick's Day party. 74 00:03:31,640 --> 00:03:34,575 And it's a good thing I did, because funny story, 75 00:03:35,610 --> 00:03:37,271 your mother was there. 76 00:03:55,096 --> 00:03:57,587 Hi, have you met Ted? 77 00:03:57,699 --> 00:03:58,893 Hi, I'm Mary. 78 00:03:59,000 --> 00:04:00,661 Hi, happy St. Patty's Day. 79 00:04:00,769 --> 00:04:01,861 I haven't met Ted either. 80 00:04:01,970 --> 00:04:03,631 - I'm Stephanie. - Hi. 81 00:04:04,572 --> 00:04:06,972 Dude, back off. I called dibs on Stephanie. 82 00:04:07,075 --> 00:04:08,667 Okay, Mary's hot. 83 00:04:09,911 --> 00:04:12,641 - Well, then I want Mary. - Fine. 84 00:04:13,515 --> 00:04:16,712 Oh, I see. Reverse psychology. 85 00:04:16,818 --> 00:04:19,446 Then I'm sticking with Stephanie, Dr. Freud. 86 00:04:19,554 --> 00:04:20,714 Okay. 87 00:04:20,822 --> 00:04:22,255 - Which one do you want more? - Either one. 88 00:04:22,357 --> 00:04:24,484 - I want them both. - You're an idiot. 89 00:04:24,592 --> 00:04:25,820 And it may be a moot point. 90 00:04:25,927 --> 00:04:27,326 I mean, it doesn't look like we're getting in. 91 00:04:27,429 --> 00:04:28,794 - Dude... - Look at this. 92 00:04:28,897 --> 00:04:31,798 You know why there's a line? It's because I ditched Marshall and Lily 93 00:04:31,900 --> 00:04:34,994 and now the universe is punishing us for it, that's why. 94 00:04:39,741 --> 00:04:40,833 Yo. 95 00:04:42,410 --> 00:04:45,777 What's it going to cost us to get in here? $20? $40? 96 00:04:46,147 --> 00:04:47,774 Dude, come on, you're making the wee folk look bad. 97 00:04:47,882 --> 00:04:50,077 Just give him your pot of gold. 98 00:04:50,385 --> 00:04:51,352 Is it just you two? 99 00:04:51,453 --> 00:04:52,715 Don't worry, we're not gonna blow your ratio. 100 00:04:52,821 --> 00:04:55,483 We happen to have two very hot girls with us. 101 00:04:55,590 --> 00:04:57,649 Mine's the hotter one. 102 00:04:57,759 --> 00:05:00,819 Yeah. Sorry, guys. Look, if it was just you two, you can go in right now. 103 00:05:00,929 --> 00:05:02,658 We got nothing but girls in there. 104 00:05:02,764 --> 00:05:06,029 People are gonna start thinking it's a lesbian bar. 105 00:05:06,668 --> 00:05:09,330 Would you excuse us for just a minute? 106 00:05:11,106 --> 00:05:12,095 Ted, I'm going to be honest. 107 00:05:12,207 --> 00:05:14,607 I was full of it with that whole Nostradamus thing. 108 00:05:14,709 --> 00:05:16,836 - No! - But I am starting to think 109 00:05:16,945 --> 00:05:20,506 there is some serious planetary crap going on here tonight. 110 00:05:20,615 --> 00:05:23,083 Never in the history of New York City nightclubs 111 00:05:23,184 --> 00:05:25,448 has there been a shortage of dudes. 112 00:05:25,587 --> 00:05:28,522 Not even during the great dude shortage of 1883. 113 00:05:29,324 --> 00:05:31,053 We've got to ditch these girls. 114 00:05:31,159 --> 00:05:32,649 You dragged them all the way down here. 115 00:05:32,761 --> 00:05:35,389 I don't see no ring on this finger. 116 00:05:35,663 --> 00:05:37,255 All right. Hold on. 117 00:05:37,399 --> 00:05:38,457 Excuse me. 118 00:05:38,566 --> 00:05:41,501 Are the girls in there hotter than our dates? 119 00:05:41,603 --> 00:05:43,935 I don't know if they're hotter, but they're drunker. 120 00:05:44,038 --> 00:05:45,630 Rock and roll. 121 00:05:49,310 --> 00:05:51,710 Welcome to your new dream home, my lady. 122 00:05:53,882 --> 00:05:57,215 All right, all right. You can put me down. Robin thinks we're weird. 123 00:05:57,318 --> 00:06:00,420 No, it's fine. It was only weird on the subway. 124 00:06:03,124 --> 00:06:05,490 I'm going to check the other rooms to see if the previous owners 125 00:06:05,593 --> 00:06:07,618 left us any free stuff. 126 00:06:07,762 --> 00:06:09,889 I'm gonna hang our first piece of art. 127 00:06:09,998 --> 00:06:12,592 Oh, look. There's already a nail. Hey, Lil, free nail! 128 00:06:12,700 --> 00:06:14,258 Score! 129 00:06:17,772 --> 00:06:19,603 How's that? - Perfect. 130 00:06:20,475 --> 00:06:21,908 Whoops! 131 00:06:26,047 --> 00:06:27,571 What the... 132 00:06:28,516 --> 00:06:29,676 Huh. 133 00:06:29,818 --> 00:06:33,151 Oh. Now, this is ridiculous. Is it the nail? 134 00:06:33,421 --> 00:06:35,855 - Marshall. - Is the wall slippery or something? 135 00:06:35,957 --> 00:06:37,083 - Marshall. - Is there a wind 136 00:06:37,192 --> 00:06:38,591 or is there some sort of draft in here? 137 00:06:38,693 --> 00:06:40,456 - Marshall. - What? 138 00:06:40,562 --> 00:06:42,462 Your apartment's crooked. 139 00:06:42,897 --> 00:06:44,228 What do you mean? 140 00:06:48,770 --> 00:06:51,500 It was the kind of thing you didn't notice until you noticed it. 141 00:06:51,606 --> 00:06:54,404 But once you did notice it, you couldn't not notice it. 142 00:06:54,509 --> 00:06:57,774 Lily and Marshall's new apartment was crooked. 143 00:07:00,515 --> 00:07:03,313 Oh, no, no, no! 144 00:07:03,418 --> 00:07:06,080 - Oh, no, no! Oh, no! - Yes. 145 00:07:06,221 --> 00:07:08,416 Are you telling me that we just spent our entire life savings 146 00:07:08,523 --> 00:07:10,718 and then some on a crooked apartment? 147 00:07:10,825 --> 00:07:12,292 Oh, my God! 148 00:07:12,427 --> 00:07:14,452 - Oh, she's gonna flip. - Look, just calm down. It's nothing. 149 00:07:14,562 --> 00:07:17,861 Look what I found in the kids' room, free skateboard. 150 00:07:17,966 --> 00:07:21,663 Score. Free Hungry, Hungry Hippo. Double score! 151 00:07:21,769 --> 00:07:23,703 - I'm going to check the kitchen. - Okay. 152 00:07:23,805 --> 00:07:25,067 How could she not notice this? 153 00:07:25,173 --> 00:07:27,937 It's like the last 20 minutes of Titanic in here. 154 00:07:28,176 --> 00:07:29,666 We have to keep this quiet. 155 00:07:29,777 --> 00:07:32,211 If Lily finds out her new dream house is crooked, 156 00:07:32,313 --> 00:07:34,372 it's gonna break her heart. 157 00:07:34,482 --> 00:07:37,144 Free salad strainer. I love this place. 158 00:07:38,319 --> 00:07:41,015 - Just for tonight, okay? - Okay. 159 00:07:41,990 --> 00:07:44,584 But it's going to be an uphill battle. 160 00:07:44,926 --> 00:07:48,191 I am just saying we have to think of the right angle. 161 00:07:49,831 --> 00:07:52,857 I have a third one, but I'm not going to say it. 162 00:07:53,535 --> 00:07:55,469 Okay. Barney, I think we've stumbled into some kind of 163 00:07:55,570 --> 00:07:57,299 ethical, philosophical wormhole. 164 00:07:57,405 --> 00:07:58,565 - Green suit. - Yeah. 165 00:07:58,673 --> 00:08:02,200 I ditched Marshall and Lily and was rewarded with two beautiful girls. 166 00:08:02,310 --> 00:08:03,607 This suit's made of green. 167 00:08:03,711 --> 00:08:05,906 We bailed on those two beautiful girls 168 00:08:06,014 --> 00:08:08,983 and now we're being rewarded with a sea of beautiful girls. 169 00:08:09,083 --> 00:08:10,482 38 long. 170 00:08:10,618 --> 00:08:13,951 It's like the laws of the universe are working in reverse. 171 00:08:14,055 --> 00:08:16,023 - Can you put it on my tab? - Yeah. What's the last name? 172 00:08:16,124 --> 00:08:17,386 Garido. 173 00:08:18,593 --> 00:08:20,857 All right, I'm going to try something and if this works... 174 00:08:20,962 --> 00:08:22,759 - Hey. - Hey, what can I get you guys? 175 00:08:22,864 --> 00:08:24,855 Bottle of Dom Perignon. And can you put it on my tab? 176 00:08:24,966 --> 00:08:26,866 - Sure. What's the name? - Garido. 177 00:08:26,968 --> 00:08:28,902 - Dude. - Oh, yeah. You're right. 178 00:08:29,003 --> 00:08:30,732 Make it two bottles. 179 00:08:31,739 --> 00:08:33,263 Now we wait and see if something good... 180 00:08:33,374 --> 00:08:34,841 Oh, hello! 181 00:08:34,943 --> 00:08:36,171 St. Patrick's Day tradition. 182 00:08:36,277 --> 00:08:38,404 If you're not wearing green, you gotta get pinched. 183 00:08:38,513 --> 00:08:40,174 Well, I guess I got what I deserved. 184 00:08:40,281 --> 00:08:42,340 I'm not wearing green either. 185 00:08:42,450 --> 00:08:45,385 This is deep teal. 186 00:08:45,486 --> 00:08:47,511 - The lighting makes it... - Oh, I'm Ted. 187 00:08:47,622 --> 00:08:50,216 Ashlee with two E's. 188 00:08:50,358 --> 00:08:52,724 Please, C's at most. 189 00:08:52,827 --> 00:08:54,419 You know, you guys should come join me and my friends. 190 00:08:54,529 --> 00:08:58,795 We have a bottle of tequila and shockingly deep belly buttons. 191 00:09:00,201 --> 00:09:02,829 Okay, it's official, do bad things, good things happen. 192 00:09:04,839 --> 00:09:08,206 Ted, listen, are you hearing that? That's the universe. 193 00:09:08,309 --> 00:09:10,140 The universe is talking to us. 194 00:09:10,244 --> 00:09:12,474 We don't have to build a baseball field, do we? 195 00:09:12,580 --> 00:09:17,574 No, the universe is telling us that we have a free pass tonight. 196 00:09:17,685 --> 00:09:22,486 The universe is saying that we don't have to live in fear of the... Are you still there? 197 00:09:22,590 --> 00:09:23,716 Yeah, I'm here. 198 00:09:23,825 --> 00:09:26,623 The repercussions of our actions. 199 00:09:26,728 --> 00:09:30,562 There is no waiting for tomorrow because do you know why, Ted? 200 00:09:33,434 --> 00:09:36,062 There is no tomorrow. 201 00:09:36,738 --> 00:09:38,296 No tomorrow, huh? 202 00:09:38,406 --> 00:09:39,930 By the way, Mr. Garido, 203 00:09:40,041 --> 00:09:43,568 your second bottle of champagne gets you a complimentary ounce of caviar. 204 00:09:43,678 --> 00:09:44,838 Enjoy. 205 00:09:48,049 --> 00:09:50,210 - No tomorrow! - No tomorrow! 206 00:09:50,318 --> 00:09:52,149 - No tomorrow! - No tomorrow! 207 00:09:52,253 --> 00:09:54,312 Hey, wonder what the grown-ups are doing right now? 208 00:09:59,927 --> 00:10:03,158 I win again! Why do I keep winning? 209 00:10:04,065 --> 00:10:06,898 Maybe your hippo is just hungrier, hungrier than ours. 210 00:10:07,001 --> 00:10:09,265 That's it. That's what is. It's not gravity. 211 00:10:09,370 --> 00:10:11,531 That's for sure. I'll tell you that. 212 00:10:11,639 --> 00:10:14,301 Whoa! What was that? 213 00:10:19,380 --> 00:10:21,143 What's going on here? 214 00:10:23,518 --> 00:10:25,179 Okay, Lily. 215 00:10:25,653 --> 00:10:28,884 While you were in the other room, Robin and I... 216 00:10:28,990 --> 00:10:31,049 We discovered something about the apartment. 217 00:10:31,159 --> 00:10:34,185 It's not a big deal. It's not... It's not like a disaster. 218 00:10:34,295 --> 00:10:38,823 It's just... It's something that we're going to have to learn to live with. 219 00:10:41,502 --> 00:10:43,436 Robin and I saw a ghost. 220 00:10:44,272 --> 00:10:47,469 What? Oh, he's kidding, right? 221 00:10:47,575 --> 00:10:49,736 No, we really saw a ghost. 222 00:10:50,278 --> 00:10:51,939 What did it look like? 223 00:10:52,513 --> 00:10:55,141 A sheet with two holes in it. 224 00:10:56,551 --> 00:11:00,578 He was a Confederate general who was wounded at the battle of Antietam 225 00:11:00,688 --> 00:11:05,318 and he died at the army hospital which once stood on this very spot. 226 00:11:05,426 --> 00:11:07,257 And now he wanders these halls 227 00:11:07,361 --> 00:11:11,297 vowing revenge against the Union cannonade that once felled him. 228 00:11:11,632 --> 00:11:14,032 But he seems nice. He's a good... Good guy. 229 00:11:14,435 --> 00:11:18,565 Marshall, you see ghosts everywhere. You see ghosts at Starbucks. 230 00:11:18,673 --> 00:11:22,370 That Kenny G holiday CD just flew off the shelf. 231 00:11:22,477 --> 00:11:24,411 Last time that happened. 232 00:11:24,512 --> 00:11:28,573 But, Robin, you're a skeptic, so if you say you saw a ghost... 233 00:11:31,419 --> 00:11:36,049 It passed right through me and suddenly I felt cold. So very cold. 234 00:11:40,328 --> 00:11:41,920 You know, Ashlee... 235 00:11:42,029 --> 00:11:44,657 I'm sorry. You're probably just gonna want to get up and walk away, 236 00:11:44,766 --> 00:11:48,031 but I just have to test out this theory I've been working on. 237 00:11:48,136 --> 00:11:50,798 Tonight, I'm not looking for a relationship. 238 00:11:50,905 --> 00:11:53,135 I really just want to hook up with you, 239 00:11:53,241 --> 00:11:55,334 leave before breakfast and never see you again. 240 00:11:55,443 --> 00:11:56,637 Hmm. 241 00:11:57,912 --> 00:12:00,380 - I'm in. - Unbelievable. 242 00:12:02,784 --> 00:12:05,082 Hot damn, that's a deep navel! 243 00:12:05,520 --> 00:12:08,080 - No tomorrow, Ted! - Yeah. No tomorrow, Barney. 244 00:12:09,357 --> 00:12:11,416 No tomorrow, huh? 245 00:12:11,526 --> 00:12:12,857 I like that idea. 246 00:12:13,728 --> 00:12:16,128 Because if there is a tomorrow, 247 00:12:16,230 --> 00:12:20,030 - I'm going to be in a lot of trouble. - Oh, yeah? Why is that? 248 00:12:20,635 --> 00:12:22,000 I'm married. 249 00:12:26,741 --> 00:12:28,766 Tell me you're messing with me, guys. 250 00:12:28,876 --> 00:12:30,571 You didn't actually see a ghost. 251 00:12:30,678 --> 00:12:33,545 It's not a big deal, baby. He seemed friendly. 252 00:12:33,648 --> 00:12:36,549 You said he's a Confederate general. They're the bad guys. 253 00:12:36,651 --> 00:12:40,553 - And he's probably racist! - No! He seemed polite. 254 00:12:40,655 --> 00:12:43,123 He had courtly Southern manners. 255 00:12:43,224 --> 00:12:45,124 We're gonna raise our kids here. 256 00:12:45,226 --> 00:12:49,094 I don't want some Confederate general ghost teaching them his racism! 257 00:12:49,197 --> 00:12:52,428 He loves people of all colors and creeds. 258 00:12:52,533 --> 00:12:54,524 He was fighting for states' rights. That's all. 259 00:12:54,635 --> 00:12:57,502 Robin said he was wearing a sheet, what do you think that means? 260 00:12:57,605 --> 00:12:59,835 - Robin... - The apartment is crooked! 261 00:13:01,008 --> 00:13:02,168 What? 262 00:13:04,212 --> 00:13:06,544 Robin and I didn't see a ghost. 263 00:13:09,383 --> 00:13:11,783 The floor is crooked, isn't it? 264 00:13:12,553 --> 00:13:13,713 Yeah. 265 00:13:14,889 --> 00:13:18,723 We spent our entire life savings on this floor. 266 00:13:18,826 --> 00:13:21,795 The next 30 mortgage-paying years of our lives 267 00:13:21,896 --> 00:13:25,093 will be spent on this floor and it's crooked! 268 00:13:32,440 --> 00:13:34,431 Thanks a lot, Robin. 269 00:13:36,444 --> 00:13:39,572 How is racist ghost better than crooked? 270 00:13:41,315 --> 00:13:44,045 Seriously, somebody tell me how that's better. Please. 271 00:13:46,387 --> 00:13:49,049 - Oh, I'm sorry. - Oh, that's okay. 272 00:13:49,490 --> 00:13:51,890 Dude, so I'm having second thoughts about that theory. 273 00:13:51,993 --> 00:13:55,861 I'm telling you, if you want to know how old a woman is, check her elbows. 274 00:13:55,963 --> 00:13:58,295 - Not that theory. - Well, you have to be more specific, Ted, 275 00:13:58,399 --> 00:13:59,923 'cause I have so many theories. 276 00:14:00,034 --> 00:14:02,696 The whole do bad, good things happen. 277 00:14:02,803 --> 00:14:05,328 - Ashlee is married. - So? 278 00:14:05,439 --> 00:14:06,929 What do you mean, "So"? 279 00:14:07,041 --> 00:14:08,531 Open your brain tank, bra, 280 00:14:08,643 --> 00:14:12,170 'cause here comes some Premium 91 octane knowledge. 281 00:14:12,313 --> 00:14:13,803 There's three rules of cheating. 282 00:14:13,915 --> 00:14:16,315 It's not cheating if you're not the one who's married. 283 00:14:16,417 --> 00:14:19,682 It's not cheating if her name has two adjacent vowels. 284 00:14:19,787 --> 00:14:22,051 And it's not cheating if she's from a different area code. 285 00:14:22,156 --> 00:14:23,646 You're fine on all three counts. 286 00:14:23,758 --> 00:14:25,521 How do you know she's from a different area code? 287 00:14:25,626 --> 00:14:27,958 She's 516. 288 00:14:28,062 --> 00:14:31,054 She might dress like she's 718, act like she's 212, 289 00:14:31,165 --> 00:14:33,099 but trust me, she is 516. 290 00:14:33,200 --> 00:14:36,692 Oh, and her husband letting her out alone on St. Patty's Day, 291 00:14:36,804 --> 00:14:39,864 if that dude's not 973, I'm 307. 292 00:14:41,642 --> 00:14:42,973 - Wyoming. - Oh. 293 00:14:47,148 --> 00:14:49,309 We're gonna have to nail down all our furniture. 294 00:14:49,417 --> 00:14:51,851 We won't be able to get a pinball machine. 295 00:14:51,953 --> 00:14:55,150 I mean, unless we put some books under two of the legs or something. 296 00:14:55,256 --> 00:14:58,817 But then, what if we wanna read those books? This is a nightmare. 297 00:14:58,926 --> 00:15:02,327 We can't raise our kids here. They'll grow up slanted. 298 00:15:02,430 --> 00:15:05,695 If we have a daughter, we'll have to call her Ilene. 299 00:15:06,267 --> 00:15:08,861 I don't think we can live here, Marshall. 300 00:15:09,303 --> 00:15:11,464 I don't know what we're gonna do. 301 00:15:12,106 --> 00:15:14,870 Marshall? Open the door. 302 00:15:25,720 --> 00:15:28,985 If I make it to the door, that's five points. 303 00:15:32,360 --> 00:15:33,554 Yeah! 304 00:15:34,962 --> 00:15:36,054 Five points! 305 00:15:36,163 --> 00:15:38,654 Ten bucks says I can do it backwards. 306 00:15:38,766 --> 00:15:42,395 So Lily and Marshall decided to make the best of a bad situation, 307 00:15:42,503 --> 00:15:46,371 and that's also how the sport of apartment roller luge was invented. 308 00:15:46,507 --> 00:15:49,533 Very careful, very, very... Oh, yeah! 309 00:15:50,111 --> 00:15:52,511 So she's married. It's not like she has kids. 310 00:15:52,613 --> 00:15:54,137 How do you know? 311 00:15:54,248 --> 00:15:57,411 Wrists! It's like you don't even listen to me. 312 00:15:58,953 --> 00:16:01,353 - Oh, hey. Hey. - Hey. Where'd you go? 313 00:16:01,489 --> 00:16:03,582 - Well, I just... - Was it something I said? 314 00:16:03,691 --> 00:16:06,819 No, no, no, it's just... Well, you're married 315 00:16:06,927 --> 00:16:10,192 and we've been drinking and I was worried we might... 316 00:16:10,531 --> 00:16:12,897 Oh, this is a very bad idea. 317 00:16:15,269 --> 00:16:18,432 - We have a problem. - Hey, hey, hey. 318 00:16:19,874 --> 00:16:23,571 - Is this your husband? - I've never seen this man in my life. 319 00:16:23,844 --> 00:16:25,869 Okay, what's our problem? 320 00:16:26,380 --> 00:16:29,076 Rick, Rick Garido. According to the bartender, 321 00:16:29,183 --> 00:16:32,209 I'm the guy that's been buying you champagne all night. 322 00:16:32,319 --> 00:16:35,447 Okay, there's a very simple explanation. 323 00:16:36,223 --> 00:16:37,918 Next thing I know, the police show up, 324 00:16:38,025 --> 00:16:41,426 they arrest the other guy and I'm drinking for free the rest of the night. 325 00:16:41,529 --> 00:16:43,087 It was awesome! 326 00:16:44,932 --> 00:16:46,957 - Awesome, huh? - Yeah. 327 00:16:47,902 --> 00:16:50,097 You don't see anything wrong with that story? 328 00:16:50,204 --> 00:16:52,672 Well, I lost my new phone back at the club somewhere. 329 00:16:52,773 --> 00:16:55,173 What the hell is wrong with you, dude? 330 00:16:55,276 --> 00:16:57,141 You know me, I lose things. 331 00:16:57,244 --> 00:16:59,576 You kissed a married woman, Ted. 332 00:16:59,680 --> 00:17:02,171 You committed credit card fraud. 333 00:17:02,283 --> 00:17:06,151 You kissed a married woman. Do you know how offensive that is to me? 334 00:17:06,253 --> 00:17:09,381 You're turning into Barney. We don't need another Barney. 335 00:17:11,025 --> 00:17:13,016 It's St. Patty's Day! 336 00:17:13,427 --> 00:17:17,090 - It wasn't as bad as it sounds. - It wasn't as bad as it sounds? 337 00:17:17,198 --> 00:17:18,825 - No! - Huh? Okay. 338 00:17:18,933 --> 00:17:21,629 I want you to hear exactly how it sounds, Ted. 339 00:17:23,137 --> 00:17:24,536 First skipped message. 340 00:17:24,638 --> 00:17:26,367 I don't see no ring on this finger. 341 00:17:26,474 --> 00:17:29,068 And then last night started coming back to me. 342 00:17:29,243 --> 00:17:30,574 The real version. 343 00:17:30,978 --> 00:17:33,742 Are the girls in there hotter than our dates? 344 00:17:33,848 --> 00:17:37,011 I don't know if they're hotter, but they're drunker. 345 00:17:37,118 --> 00:17:38,608 Rock and roll. 346 00:17:42,590 --> 00:17:45,184 - How many messages did I... - Seventeen. 347 00:17:46,026 --> 00:17:47,926 Kids, it's sometimes possible to think 348 00:17:48,028 --> 00:17:49,461 you're doing just fine in life. 349 00:17:49,563 --> 00:17:50,757 Next message. 350 00:17:51,198 --> 00:17:53,063 Can you put it on my tab? 351 00:17:53,167 --> 00:17:56,364 - Sure. What's the last name? - Garido. 352 00:17:56,470 --> 00:17:58,529 And then someone opens your eyes a little bit 353 00:17:58,639 --> 00:18:00,004 and you realize... 354 00:18:00,107 --> 00:18:01,438 Next message. 355 00:18:01,542 --> 00:18:03,305 I really want to hook up with you, 356 00:18:03,410 --> 00:18:06,277 leave before breakfast and then never see you again. 357 00:18:06,580 --> 00:18:08,946 Your whole world is off balance. 358 00:18:09,049 --> 00:18:10,414 Next message. 359 00:18:10,518 --> 00:18:11,485 Out of whack. 360 00:18:11,585 --> 00:18:16,522 Okay, look, bra, there's a very simple... 361 00:18:16,824 --> 00:18:18,018 Crooked. 362 00:18:20,694 --> 00:18:21,786 Wow! 363 00:18:22,463 --> 00:18:24,328 That was hard to listen to. 364 00:18:26,133 --> 00:18:29,398 No one likes how they sound on an answering machine. 365 00:18:30,871 --> 00:18:32,736 Thanks for doing that. 366 00:18:35,576 --> 00:18:36,907 You yelled at me. 367 00:18:37,378 --> 00:18:40,176 You got very firm with me. Very confident. 368 00:18:40,714 --> 00:18:42,113 It was cool. 369 00:18:42,216 --> 00:18:43,513 Thanks. 370 00:18:43,617 --> 00:18:45,107 You're very sexy when you yell, Marshall. 371 00:18:45,219 --> 00:18:46,311 Shut up. 372 00:18:46,420 --> 00:18:48,183 Veins, crazy muscles in your neck. 373 00:18:48,289 --> 00:18:50,257 You're like a Kentucky-Derby-winning steed. 374 00:18:50,357 --> 00:18:51,551 You're ruining a nice moment. 375 00:18:51,659 --> 00:18:53,786 At one point, I swear, I thought we were going to kiss... 376 00:18:53,894 --> 00:18:56,260 Ted, seriously. 377 00:18:56,363 --> 00:18:57,728 I'm married. 378 00:18:59,366 --> 00:19:02,301 Oh, a slanted floor. 379 00:19:02,403 --> 00:19:04,337 Architecturally speaking, fixing that's gonna be... 380 00:19:04,438 --> 00:19:07,236 Very, very, very expensive. 381 00:19:07,341 --> 00:19:10,003 And it's going to take some time too, 382 00:19:10,110 --> 00:19:13,477 so it looks like you're stuck with us for a little while longer, if that's okay. 383 00:19:13,581 --> 00:19:15,344 Are you kidding? I love it. 384 00:19:15,449 --> 00:19:18,145 I don't know what's going to happen to me without you guys around. 385 00:19:18,252 --> 00:19:21,312 - Where are you going? - I'm going to get my stupid phone. 386 00:19:22,923 --> 00:19:25,721 So that was St. Patrick's Day, 2008. 387 00:19:25,826 --> 00:19:28,727 I found out years later that your mom was at that party, 388 00:19:28,829 --> 00:19:30,694 I just didn't meet her. 389 00:19:30,798 --> 00:19:32,288 You know, it's a good thing I didn't. 390 00:19:32,399 --> 00:19:35,562 Because if I had met her, I don't think she would have liked me. 391 00:19:35,669 --> 00:19:37,603 Heck, I don't think I liked me. 392 00:19:37,705 --> 00:19:40,503 But that's okay. Tomorrow had arrived. 393 00:19:42,042 --> 00:19:43,669 Leave me alone, and there'll be 394 00:19:43,777 --> 00:19:49,181 No one to get hurt 395 00:19:49,717 --> 00:19:51,582 Nobody move 396 00:19:51,685 --> 00:19:58,591 And there'll be nothin' to disturb 397 00:19:59,126 --> 00:20:02,061 The sum of it all is that 398 00:20:02,162 --> 00:20:08,260 You don't know where to turn 399 00:20:08,602 --> 00:20:11,628 Despite all your promises 400 00:20:11,739 --> 00:20:16,438 You don't keep what you learn 401 00:20:16,543 --> 00:20:21,845 You see, I didn't know it yet, but my luck was about to change. 402 00:20:21,949 --> 00:20:27,785 Get me out of this mess 403 00:20:46,206 --> 00:20:47,730 I'm awesome!