1 00:00:02,479 --> 00:00:04,366 Previously on In Treatment... 2 00:00:07,450 --> 00:00:09,694 - I don't think I can do this. - Do what? 3 00:00:10,652 --> 00:00:12,004 This therapy. I... 4 00:00:13,344 --> 00:00:15,259 I don't think it's leading anywhere, that's all. 5 00:00:15,429 --> 00:00:17,081 Where do you want it to lead, Alex? 6 00:00:18,523 --> 00:00:21,114 Someplace where I feel less shitty about myself. 7 00:00:22,626 --> 00:00:26,260 I got a call from my wing commander, he's trying to figure out if i'm ready 8 00:00:26,626 --> 00:00:27,828 for active duty. 9 00:00:30,763 --> 00:00:32,040 What do you think? 10 00:00:32,716 --> 00:00:34,313 I don't think you're ready. 11 00:00:42,537 --> 00:00:44,715 Well, I feel like I should salute you. 12 00:00:45,392 --> 00:00:46,594 At ease, doc. 13 00:00:49,722 --> 00:00:51,288 This is gonna be my last time, 14 00:00:51,551 --> 00:00:52,884 for a while anyway. 15 00:00:53,147 --> 00:00:55,663 I'm here to settle up. And I need something from you. 16 00:00:58,284 --> 00:00:59,846 Would you like some coffee? 17 00:01:00,016 --> 00:01:01,030 Sure. 18 00:01:06,325 --> 00:01:08,748 Transcript: FRM Team Sync: Benj! 19 00:01:24,438 --> 00:01:26,624 I know I'm not giving you any notice. You want me to pay 20 00:01:26,794 --> 00:01:29,283 - for the next session too? - No, that's fine. 21 00:01:29,583 --> 00:01:31,392 Sorry the gravy train is ending here, doc. 22 00:01:31,562 --> 00:01:33,580 That's okay. So why are you leaving? 23 00:01:34,128 --> 00:01:35,701 I got you curious, huh? 24 00:01:36,368 --> 00:01:38,884 Remember I told you my squadron commander called me? 25 00:01:39,055 --> 00:01:40,832 Well, last week they finally brought me in. 26 00:01:41,002 --> 00:01:43,302 Now I thought they wanted to ease me back in, but no. 27 00:01:43,472 --> 00:01:46,330 They need me to train the next wave of pilots for their deployment, 28 00:01:46,500 --> 00:01:48,162 Get them ready to fly asap. 29 00:01:48,847 --> 00:01:50,493 Always playing catch-up in this war. 30 00:01:50,663 --> 00:01:52,853 - So what did you say to them? - I said, "Fuck you! 31 00:01:53,118 --> 00:01:54,993 "I'm 39 years old, in the prime of my life 32 00:01:55,163 --> 00:01:57,406 "and one of the most decorated fighter pilots in the Navy. 33 00:01:57,576 --> 00:01:59,423 "No, you're not gonna put me out to pasture, 34 00:01:59,593 --> 00:02:02,222 "not in the middle of a war. Get yourself another boy." 35 00:02:02,813 --> 00:02:06,348 - That's what you said to them? - Well, not really, but I thought it. 36 00:02:07,511 --> 00:02:08,798 Actually what I said was, 37 00:02:08,968 --> 00:02:11,605 "Yes, sir. However I can be of service to you, sir." And... 38 00:02:11,775 --> 00:02:14,869 I reported for duty the next day. You think I'm crazy? 39 00:02:15,418 --> 00:02:17,916 I can only get away with that bullshit with you. 40 00:02:18,193 --> 00:02:20,371 Well, at least we know why you come here. 41 00:02:22,403 --> 00:02:24,497 So what's it like being back at base? 44 00:02:29,071 --> 00:02:31,621 When they look in my eyes, they know i've been places 45 00:02:31,791 --> 00:02:33,972 they couldn't conjure up in their worst nightmares. 46 00:02:34,142 --> 00:02:36,306 Makes them think twice before fucking with me. 47 00:02:38,457 --> 00:02:40,249 So, training young pilots... 48 00:02:40,419 --> 00:02:42,851 Is that something you can see yourself doing? 49 00:02:44,003 --> 00:02:46,662 I don't know, maybe in another context. 50 00:02:46,832 --> 00:02:48,362 But this is set up to fail. 51 00:02:49,039 --> 00:02:51,986 There's no way these kids are gonna be ready for combat missions in a month. 52 00:02:52,156 --> 00:02:53,283 I mean, it's crazy. 53 00:02:53,554 --> 00:02:55,559 I'm taking them through tactical situations. 54 00:02:55,729 --> 00:02:57,462 Some of them are doing better than others, 55 00:02:57,632 --> 00:02:59,669 but when you're up in the air, it's read and react. 56 00:02:59,858 --> 00:03:02,373 Read, react, like a machine. No thinking. It's like split-second 57 00:03:02,543 --> 00:03:05,426 decisions that can cost thousands of lives, including their own. 58 00:03:05,880 --> 00:03:09,532 Most of these kids, they look at me on the simulators and they're like, "whoa!" 59 00:03:11,021 --> 00:03:12,420 Well, they're blown away. 60 00:03:12,702 --> 00:03:14,101 That must feel really great. 61 00:03:16,212 --> 00:03:18,634 I overheard a couple of these kids talking shit about me, 62 00:03:18,804 --> 00:03:20,812 Saying that I might be good on the simulators 63 00:03:20,982 --> 00:03:22,876 but they'd kick my ass on the obstacle course. 64 00:03:23,046 --> 00:03:25,544 Called me old man, all that bullshit. Well, hey... 65 00:03:26,762 --> 00:03:29,034 I called their bluff. Check this out: now the drill 66 00:03:29,297 --> 00:03:32,358 is called the gauntlet. It's a five-mile run through dense woods 67 00:03:32,634 --> 00:03:36,781 and sand traps, and rope-and-barrier hurdles, balance beams 68 00:03:37,320 --> 00:03:39,480 and a maze. Now after all that, 69 00:03:40,968 --> 00:03:42,825 there's the helo-dunker. 70 00:03:43,114 --> 00:03:45,217 Nothe helo-Dunker is like this giant... 71 00:03:45,387 --> 00:03:46,982 It looks like a beer can. 72 00:03:47,152 --> 00:03:48,644 It's basically a crash simulator. 73 00:03:48,814 --> 00:03:52,281 We hit the water hard, upside down, strapped in tight. 74 00:03:52,582 --> 00:03:54,216 And we have to get out 75 00:03:54,498 --> 00:03:58,094 with almost no oxygen. We're in full gear: helmet, spacesuit, 76 00:03:58,374 --> 00:04:00,308 G-suit, gloves, the whole nine yards. 77 00:04:00,602 --> 00:04:01,984 Now there are four immersions. 78 00:04:02,154 --> 00:04:03,960 The last two, the water's dark. 79 00:04:04,130 --> 00:04:05,762 It's like a night landing. 80 00:04:05,932 --> 00:04:07,696 A lot of these kids, they get disoriented 81 00:04:07,866 --> 00:04:09,329 and start flipping the fuck out. 82 00:04:09,499 --> 00:04:11,424 So we have to rescue them. 83 00:04:12,510 --> 00:04:13,777 It's tough. 84 00:04:14,169 --> 00:04:16,554 It separates the men from the boys, let me tell you. 85 00:04:18,019 --> 00:04:19,127 So, doc... 86 00:04:19,777 --> 00:04:21,345 how do you think I did? 87 00:04:22,500 --> 00:04:24,378 Do I really have to guess, Alex? 88 00:04:25,787 --> 00:04:27,102 Touche. 89 00:04:28,952 --> 00:04:30,149 I never panic. 90 00:04:30,905 --> 00:04:32,670 I'm at home down there in the dark, 91 00:04:33,093 --> 00:04:34,549 swimming for my life. 92 00:04:39,710 --> 00:04:41,942 And not only did I beat all their asses, 93 00:04:42,551 --> 00:04:44,888 I came within two seconds of a base record. 94 00:04:45,058 --> 00:04:47,312 Not bad for a broken-down old pilot, huh? 95 00:04:48,795 --> 00:04:49,964 Come on, Paul. 96 00:04:50,303 --> 00:04:53,110 Okay, so my squadron commander calls me back up to his office. 97 00:04:53,937 --> 00:04:55,532 This time all the brass were there 98 00:04:55,702 --> 00:04:58,773 and they want to know if i'm interested in going back to active duty. 99 00:04:58,947 --> 00:05:02,160 If I am, I have to go through a modified basic training 100 00:05:02,330 --> 00:05:04,756 at Pensacola, a battery of tests... Physical, psychological... 101 00:05:05,018 --> 00:05:06,964 Just to make sure I've recovered. 102 00:05:07,645 --> 00:05:08,547 So I said, 103 00:05:09,007 --> 00:05:11,335 "bring it on, baby! I'm ready for anything!" 104 00:05:13,760 --> 00:05:14,793 Are you surprised? 105 00:05:16,011 --> 00:05:17,982 Well, a little, I guess. 106 00:05:18,152 --> 00:05:21,226 I shouldn't be, but I suppose it was always a possibility. 107 00:05:22,099 --> 00:05:23,911 But you think it's too fast, right? 108 00:05:24,240 --> 00:05:25,855 Do you think it's too fast? 109 00:05:29,425 --> 00:05:31,912 Doc, you have no idea 110 00:05:32,082 --> 00:05:34,176 how good it feels to be useful again. 111 00:05:35,122 --> 00:05:37,478 To tell you the truth, I think that's been the real problem. 112 00:05:37,648 --> 00:05:39,931 I've been sitting around feeling sorry for myself. 113 00:05:40,318 --> 00:05:41,553 I'm a doer, not a talker, 114 00:05:41,723 --> 00:05:43,357 so all of this... That's over. 115 00:05:43,648 --> 00:05:46,202 Those days are over. So here's what I need from you: 116 00:05:46,641 --> 00:05:48,814 You're gonna get a call from one of your compatriots. 117 00:05:48,984 --> 00:05:51,959 He's a Navy doctor named Connell. He's gonna be checking up on me. 118 00:05:52,521 --> 00:05:55,632 You told the Navy you were seeing me? I thought that was professional suicide. 119 00:05:56,189 --> 00:05:58,338 Yeah, they caught wind that I had left the house. 120 00:05:58,508 --> 00:06:01,536 They wanted to know if it had anything to do wit the bombing and the aftermath. 121 00:06:01,706 --> 00:06:03,930 So I told them i'd been doing some counseling with you... 122 00:06:04,100 --> 00:06:06,801 You know, my marriage... And that I was fit as a fiddle. 123 00:06:07,080 --> 00:06:10,204 - Do you feel fit as a fiddle? - Paul, don't fuck with me on this. 124 00:06:10,374 --> 00:06:12,327 You're talking about my career now. 125 00:06:13,779 --> 00:06:16,012 Just tell him all good things. Plus, the Navy needs me. 126 00:06:16,182 --> 00:06:19,281 You think they can afford to have someone like me just pissing around? 127 00:06:19,647 --> 00:06:20,915 Just tell him i'm ready. 128 00:06:21,178 --> 00:06:23,286 Let's just talk about whether you are ready or not. 129 00:06:23,555 --> 00:06:25,901 Hey, cut the crap! I need this. 130 00:06:26,182 --> 00:06:29,196 You're putting me in a very difficult position, Alex. 131 00:06:29,515 --> 00:06:31,797 We talked about a lot more than michaela. 132 00:06:32,112 --> 00:06:34,009 You don't expect me to lie, do you? 133 00:06:34,760 --> 00:06:36,460 Okay, physically i'm fine. 134 00:06:37,039 --> 00:06:38,973 I had the heart attack almost four months ago. 135 00:06:39,151 --> 00:06:41,302 All the cardiologists say that... 136 00:06:42,228 --> 00:06:44,105 They're amazed by my recovery. I can handle it. 137 00:06:44,283 --> 00:06:45,767 But what about emotionally, Alex? 138 00:06:45,937 --> 00:06:47,757 Can you imagine yourself back in an airplane 139 00:06:47,927 --> 00:06:49,702 flying a mission after what happened? 140 00:06:50,653 --> 00:06:52,287 You're talking about the madrasa thing? 141 00:06:52,466 --> 00:06:55,980 The madrasa thing is the crisis that brought you here in the first place. 142 00:06:56,446 --> 00:06:58,079 Are you sure that you're ready 143 00:06:58,249 --> 00:07:00,669 to put yourself in that kind of situation again? 144 00:07:00,839 --> 00:07:03,289 No, listen. Terrorists hide among civilians. 145 00:07:03,459 --> 00:07:05,503 It's a common tactic. It's their fault 146 00:07:05,946 --> 00:07:08,071 if there's collateral damage, not ours. 147 00:07:08,281 --> 00:07:10,549 They're the ones putting their women and children at risk. 148 00:07:10,811 --> 00:07:14,172 Let's put aside the question of who's at fault or who isn't. 149 00:07:14,501 --> 00:07:16,018 Could you live with yourself 150 00:07:16,188 --> 00:07:18,803 if you were responsible for more civilian casualties? 151 00:07:20,028 --> 00:07:21,099 That's bullshit. 152 00:07:21,269 --> 00:07:24,208 Alex, you gave yourself a heart attack a few months ago. 153 00:07:24,452 --> 00:07:26,462 Can you honestly tell me that you're not worried, 154 00:07:26,632 --> 00:07:28,928 that you're not scared that your guilt will lead to... 155 00:07:29,098 --> 00:07:32,196 Guilt is not an issue for a pilot in a time of war. 156 00:07:32,366 --> 00:07:35,744 - We're not trained to think that way. - I'm not asking what you think. 157 00:07:35,932 --> 00:07:38,655 I'm asking you to tell me what you feel. 158 00:07:38,922 --> 00:07:40,902 And i'm telling you it doesn't matter. 159 00:07:42,312 --> 00:07:44,453 Let me just see who this is. Sorry. 160 00:07:51,663 --> 00:07:52,761 It went fine. 161 00:07:55,531 --> 00:07:56,967 Yeah, they did ask me. 162 00:07:59,869 --> 00:08:02,658 No, I can't talk about that right now. Can I call you back? 163 00:08:04,915 --> 00:08:07,872 Michaela, let me go, all right? I'm with somebody right now. 164 00:08:09,647 --> 00:08:10,689 Yeah, I will. 165 00:08:11,464 --> 00:08:12,468 Yeah, bye. 166 00:08:14,478 --> 00:08:15,378 Sorry. 167 00:08:15,548 --> 00:08:17,999 She wanted to know how the meeting with the brass went. 168 00:08:18,604 --> 00:08:22,350 You know, she's totally obsessed with me flying again. You know that. 169 00:08:22,637 --> 00:08:25,073 Why do you think she's so anxious for you to fly again? 170 00:08:25,243 --> 00:08:26,905 Well, my little sabbatical 171 00:08:27,436 --> 00:08:28,941 upset her sense of order. 172 00:08:29,111 --> 00:08:31,175 If it was a couple of weeks, it would be all right. 173 00:08:31,345 --> 00:08:33,044 I was taking a break, whatever. 174 00:08:33,295 --> 00:08:35,789 I told you we were having dinner to discuss me coming back home. 175 00:08:35,967 --> 00:08:38,038 Yeah, well, the heat is on. 176 00:08:38,328 --> 00:08:40,497 I don't think I can fight it any longer. 177 00:08:41,521 --> 00:08:43,718 - Plus it's what everybody wants. - Everyone? 178 00:08:44,631 --> 00:08:46,118 Everybody... My father included. 179 00:08:46,288 --> 00:08:48,363 Well, he and michaela, they're united in everything. 180 00:08:48,546 --> 00:08:51,128 Why is you father so anxious for you to fly again? 181 00:08:52,862 --> 00:08:55,112 Well, there's nothing deep behind it, Paul. 182 00:08:55,810 --> 00:08:58,910 He thinks I need to get back to my job. It's what a man does. 183 00:08:59,277 --> 00:09:00,525 And he's right. 184 00:09:00,957 --> 00:09:02,901 Can you tell me how you got to that conclusion? 185 00:09:05,333 --> 00:09:07,283 Are you sure you have time for that? 'Cause I... 186 00:09:07,453 --> 00:09:09,807 We've got plenty of time. I think this is something important 187 00:09:09,977 --> 00:09:13,570 we need to talk about especially if you are trying to push me for an assessment. 188 00:09:19,397 --> 00:09:21,125 It's hot as hell in here. 189 00:09:32,992 --> 00:09:34,973 We had a party for my son, 190 00:09:35,321 --> 00:09:36,589 A birthday party... 191 00:09:39,005 --> 00:09:40,667 And everything became clear. 192 00:09:44,434 --> 00:09:46,632 I told you my son roy is a special kid. 193 00:09:46,935 --> 00:09:48,118 Have I told you that? 194 00:09:48,385 --> 00:09:49,881 He doesn't seem to need friends. 195 00:09:50,051 --> 00:09:53,177 So, when we asked him what kind of party he wanted, he said only family. 196 00:09:53,347 --> 00:09:54,520 I supported that. 197 00:09:54,783 --> 00:09:57,374 I didn't want to force him to be anything he isn't. 198 00:09:57,624 --> 00:09:59,563 So all the uncles and aunts came and the cousins, 199 00:09:59,733 --> 00:10:01,573 and everybody was in a good mood. 200 00:10:01,868 --> 00:10:03,238 My dad, he got there early. 201 00:10:03,408 --> 00:10:05,168 He's establishing and setting up everything 202 00:10:05,346 --> 00:10:06,988 and acting like he owns the place, 203 00:10:07,158 --> 00:10:08,702 ordering my wife around. 204 00:10:09,209 --> 00:10:11,773 I could tell he had been there a lot since I left. 205 00:10:12,182 --> 00:10:14,030 And the bitch he married, she was there too, 206 00:10:14,200 --> 00:10:16,876 in the kitchen cooking as if my mother never existed. 207 00:10:17,728 --> 00:10:19,849 It made me feel like shit, 208 00:10:20,019 --> 00:10:20,967 Like a... 209 00:10:21,512 --> 00:10:23,127 A stranger in my own home. 210 00:10:23,794 --> 00:10:26,818 My father sees me and he gives me one of those cold smiles. 211 00:10:28,226 --> 00:10:30,696 "Alex, nice of you to make it." 212 00:10:33,772 --> 00:10:35,217 I could tell he had 213 00:10:35,854 --> 00:10:37,511 a wild hair up his ass about something. 214 00:10:37,681 --> 00:10:38,780 But I didn't ask. 215 00:10:38,950 --> 00:10:40,679 'Cause when he wants to share, he shares. 216 00:10:40,849 --> 00:10:42,401 And then he's all over me, 217 00:10:42,571 --> 00:10:44,571 And i'm in no rush to get there. 218 00:10:45,445 --> 00:10:48,788 But he is great with roy, though. They connect. 219 00:10:49,893 --> 00:10:51,414 Somehow it's easy for them. 220 00:10:52,657 --> 00:10:54,902 Did you feel like you weren't connecting with roy? 221 00:10:58,302 --> 00:11:01,279 There were a lot of people there. We didn't have much time alone. 222 00:11:02,953 --> 00:11:04,991 Have you seen a lot of him since you left home? 223 00:11:05,253 --> 00:11:08,039 Once, twice. I don't know what you consider a lot. 224 00:11:09,484 --> 00:11:12,526 Did he ever ask why you weren't living at home anymore? 225 00:11:13,544 --> 00:11:15,478 Yeah. I told him his dad 226 00:11:15,648 --> 00:11:17,196 was on a special mission. 227 00:11:17,366 --> 00:11:19,555 I mean, i'm gone half the time. He's used to it. 228 00:11:20,138 --> 00:11:23,009 To tell you the truth, i think it's been a relief for him. 229 00:11:23,289 --> 00:11:25,721 Why would it be a relief for his dad to be away? 230 00:11:25,946 --> 00:11:27,007 Well... 231 00:11:29,610 --> 00:11:32,014 He was loose as hell at the party. 232 00:11:32,497 --> 00:11:34,511 He's running around, he's playing with his cousins, 233 00:11:34,681 --> 00:11:35,972 he's talking to everybody. 234 00:11:36,142 --> 00:11:38,245 You should have seen him. He was a different person. 235 00:11:38,415 --> 00:11:40,310 He was open, he was outgoing. 236 00:11:40,480 --> 00:11:42,338 It's like he bloomed in my absence. 237 00:11:42,508 --> 00:11:43,717 Well, not bloomed. 238 00:11:44,027 --> 00:11:46,941 Jeez, he's not a fucking flower. It's like he spread his wings. 239 00:11:48,074 --> 00:11:49,567 Yeah, that's what it was like. 240 00:11:50,406 --> 00:11:52,734 Maybe he was happy because you were there, 241 00:11:53,009 --> 00:11:55,575 Maybe because he was just glad to see you. 242 00:11:57,087 --> 00:11:59,101 It's interesting when you talk about flying, Alex, 243 00:11:59,271 --> 00:12:01,740 because you make no bones whatsoever about the fact 244 00:12:01,910 --> 00:12:04,010 that the Navy really needs you, 245 00:12:04,329 --> 00:12:06,414 that they can't do it without you. 246 00:12:06,846 --> 00:12:08,850 Yet when it comes to talking about your son... 247 00:12:09,020 --> 00:12:10,970 Paul, Paul, slow the fuck down. 248 00:12:11,140 --> 00:12:13,995 The boy was having a great day before I ever got there. 249 00:12:15,283 --> 00:12:17,338 Is it possible that you're projecting 250 00:12:17,508 --> 00:12:20,224 your own feelings about your father onto your son? 251 00:12:20,569 --> 00:12:21,946 How do you mean? 252 00:12:22,134 --> 00:12:24,067 Well, that you might be doing better yourself|| 253 00:12:24,237 --> 00:12:26,493 spreading your wings too if he wasn't there, 254 00:12:26,663 --> 00:12:27,799 If he wasn't... 255 00:12:28,053 --> 00:12:29,593 in your way, so to speak. 256 00:12:29,958 --> 00:12:31,985 No, doc, my being there 257 00:12:32,155 --> 00:12:33,864 didn't make the kid happy that day. 258 00:12:34,531 --> 00:12:36,653 Just the opposite in fact. 259 00:12:36,823 --> 00:12:38,335 How? What happened? 260 00:12:40,394 --> 00:12:43,445 I told you roy was obsessed with chess, right? 261 00:12:44,474 --> 00:12:46,004 I got him this magnificent set. 262 00:12:46,174 --> 00:12:48,502 It was all ivory, imported from Nairobi, 263 00:12:48,672 --> 00:12:50,235 Just a real work of art. 264 00:12:50,540 --> 00:12:53,225 And he just looked at the pieces, mesmerized. 265 00:12:53,655 --> 00:12:56,311 But the board, that was only half of the gift. The other half... 266 00:12:56,481 --> 00:12:58,631 was that I had been working on my own chess game 267 00:12:58,801 --> 00:13:01,195 And I was gonna play my boy. 268 00:13:02,042 --> 00:13:04,605 So we sat down at the chessboard. Everybody's watching. 269 00:13:05,366 --> 00:13:08,171 I thought i'd open with something simple... 270 00:13:08,613 --> 00:13:10,885 The king's indian, which is where you establish your pawns 271 00:13:11,055 --> 00:13:12,472 in the center of the board. 272 00:13:12,642 --> 00:13:14,788 Then he moved, and I countered. 273 00:13:14,958 --> 00:13:16,880 And he moved again. I countered again. 274 00:13:17,050 --> 00:13:18,909 And we're moving along at this real nice clip 275 00:13:19,079 --> 00:13:20,900 and I think I'm holding my own. 276 00:13:21,736 --> 00:13:22,824 And then... 277 00:13:25,416 --> 00:13:27,566 I'll never forget it. He looked up suddenly 278 00:13:29,291 --> 00:13:31,300 and it was like a shadow fell over his face. 279 00:13:32,702 --> 00:13:35,181 And he stood up from the table and he said, 280 00:13:36,514 --> 00:13:38,974 "I'm not feeling well. I don't want to play." 281 00:13:41,936 --> 00:13:43,363 He goes up to his bedroom. 282 00:13:43,533 --> 00:13:45,814 I follow him up the stairs. I knock on the door. 283 00:13:45,984 --> 00:13:48,813 He doesn't answer. I crack the door open and I see him. 284 00:13:48,983 --> 00:13:51,734 He's sitting at his desk. He's got his back to me. 285 00:13:52,003 --> 00:13:53,563 I don't know if he heard me. 286 00:13:54,596 --> 00:13:56,391 I was about to say something, but I didn't. 287 00:13:56,561 --> 00:13:59,753 I just stood there and I stared at the back of his head. 288 00:14:01,568 --> 00:14:04,145 Something about him... I don't know what it was... 289 00:14:07,936 --> 00:14:09,150 It broke my heart. 290 00:14:12,711 --> 00:14:15,127 Then I heard these footsteps coming up behind me, I turn around 291 00:14:15,297 --> 00:14:18,662 and it's my father. And he says, "you know why he quit, don't you?" 292 00:14:19,516 --> 00:14:20,840 I shook my head. 293 00:14:21,010 --> 00:14:23,762 And he gives me that look, that look that sees right through you. 294 00:14:24,845 --> 00:14:27,483 He says, "He knew in three moves, Alex, 295 00:14:27,943 --> 00:14:29,343 "You were gonna lose. 296 00:14:29,897 --> 00:14:33,030 "He didn't want to beat his father in front of the whole family. 297 00:14:33,510 --> 00:14:34,871 "He felt sorry for you." 298 00:14:36,492 --> 00:14:37,788 Do you think he was right? 299 00:14:38,069 --> 00:14:41,891 Yeah, I know he was right. That's my son to a tee. 300 00:14:42,836 --> 00:14:46,460 Then my father, he pulls me into a room and he just ripped into me. 301 00:14:46,630 --> 00:14:48,320 He says, "You are pathetic. 302 00:14:48,769 --> 00:14:51,068 "One thing goes wrong in your little cushy life 303 00:14:51,238 --> 00:14:53,197 "and you turn soft as butter." 304 00:14:53,835 --> 00:14:56,924 He didn't understand why I wasn't eager to fly again 305 00:14:57,284 --> 00:15:00,056 or why I was away from home doing god knows what 306 00:15:00,226 --> 00:15:02,064 With god knows who like a fucking teenager. 307 00:15:02,234 --> 00:15:04,234 He says, "You disappoint me, boy. 308 00:15:04,616 --> 00:15:07,328 "I raised you to be stronger than that. I raised you to be a man." 309 00:15:07,498 --> 00:15:10,644 And he wanted to know who put all these ideas in my head. 310 00:15:11,010 --> 00:15:13,245 Who turned me into a... What did he... 311 00:15:13,621 --> 00:15:16,364 Who turned me into a selfish, whining little bitch. 312 00:15:16,534 --> 00:15:18,274 Was it the fags I was hanging around with? 313 00:15:18,444 --> 00:15:21,445 Or was it... And this one he really seized on... Was it the shrink? 314 00:15:22,525 --> 00:15:24,479 How would he know you were seeing a shrink? 315 00:15:24,649 --> 00:15:26,611 - Michaela told him. - You told her? 316 00:15:28,333 --> 00:15:29,835 Yeah, I had to. 317 00:15:30,714 --> 00:15:32,266 You know i've been paying you cash, 318 00:15:32,436 --> 00:15:34,248 'cause I was trying to avoid a paper trail. 319 00:15:34,439 --> 00:15:37,461 But that means i've been withdrawing from atms all the time. 320 00:15:37,631 --> 00:15:39,424 Michaela looks at the bank statements 321 00:15:39,594 --> 00:15:41,377 and she saw there wasn't money there, 322 00:15:41,547 --> 00:15:43,167 she wanted to know where it was going. 323 00:15:43,337 --> 00:15:45,884 Anyway, look, I told her I've been consulting with someone 324 00:15:46,054 --> 00:15:49,119 about my thoughts... And that was the word, "thoughts"... 325 00:15:49,289 --> 00:15:51,514 My thoughts about me and her. 326 00:15:52,138 --> 00:15:53,724 And did you get into that, 327 00:15:53,894 --> 00:15:56,691 your thoughts about the two of you? 328 00:15:56,861 --> 00:15:58,138 No, she shut down. 329 00:15:58,429 --> 00:16:00,448 So anyway, listen. My father... 330 00:16:01,691 --> 00:16:03,680 Yeah, my father... He gives me this whole earful. 331 00:16:03,850 --> 00:16:07,170 He goes downstairs, and, man... 332 00:16:09,496 --> 00:16:11,984 I felt like I had been hit by a freight train. 333 00:16:17,658 --> 00:16:20,381 I locked myself in the bathroom and I sat there 334 00:16:21,320 --> 00:16:23,865 so I could just catch my breath. 335 00:16:29,308 --> 00:16:32,717 And when I finally got my shit together I went back downstairs, and... 336 00:16:34,684 --> 00:16:37,754 And everybody was around the chessboard again 337 00:16:38,073 --> 00:16:39,982 watching another match, including Michaela. 338 00:16:40,152 --> 00:16:41,060 And... 339 00:16:42,590 --> 00:16:44,422 You know what it was? It was my father 340 00:16:46,018 --> 00:16:48,628 and my son and they are locked in this epic battle, 341 00:16:48,798 --> 00:16:50,290 Matching each other move for move. 342 00:16:50,460 --> 00:16:51,990 Totally out of my league. 343 00:16:52,267 --> 00:16:55,036 And everyone's oohing and ahhing 344 00:16:55,311 --> 00:16:58,301 Aand they didn't even notice that I was there. 345 00:17:05,657 --> 00:17:07,469 What was it about Roy that broke your heart 346 00:17:07,639 --> 00:17:09,404 when you were watching him in his room? 347 00:17:13,776 --> 00:17:15,147 He seemed so... 348 00:17:16,874 --> 00:17:18,526 Vulnerable, somehow. 349 00:17:19,559 --> 00:17:20,996 Vulnerable to what? 350 00:17:22,630 --> 00:17:24,376 I don't know, really. 351 00:17:26,331 --> 00:17:27,467 Everything... 352 00:17:29,652 --> 00:17:31,461 Forces, expectations, 353 00:17:33,054 --> 00:17:35,543 Stuff coming at him that he can't control, 354 00:17:36,144 --> 00:17:37,421 I can't control. 355 00:17:43,807 --> 00:17:46,145 So I slipped out of the house 356 00:17:46,633 --> 00:17:48,036 without anyone knowing. 357 00:17:48,450 --> 00:17:49,819 It was for the better. 358 00:17:49,989 --> 00:17:51,154 For whom? 359 00:17:51,604 --> 00:17:52,684 For my boy. 360 00:17:54,643 --> 00:17:56,154 Do you really think that your son 361 00:17:56,324 --> 00:17:58,981 is better off without his father on his birthday? 362 00:18:00,092 --> 00:18:01,304 Yeah, I do. 363 00:18:04,064 --> 00:18:07,097 After that I got in my car and I drove, 364 00:18:08,224 --> 00:18:10,196 And drove and drove, fast. 365 00:18:10,964 --> 00:18:13,950 And when I finally ran out of gas it was after dark. 366 00:18:14,252 --> 00:18:16,365 I wound up at this bar 367 00:18:16,665 --> 00:18:18,987 that Sean and Daniel had taken me to. 368 00:18:19,617 --> 00:18:22,114 And I started to drink hard, 369 00:18:23,063 --> 00:18:25,870 looking at all the faggots prancing around. 370 00:18:27,724 --> 00:18:30,466 I felt like knocking somebody's teeth down their fucking throat. 371 00:18:34,165 --> 00:18:36,681 But nobody came near me. They didn't even look at me. 372 00:18:37,685 --> 00:18:41,257 It was kind of like they knew like I had this invisible force field around me. 373 00:18:44,137 --> 00:18:45,759 You said before that 374 00:18:46,089 --> 00:18:47,888 when you started telling me about the party, 375 00:18:48,066 --> 00:18:49,774 that everything became clear that day. 376 00:18:49,944 --> 00:18:51,839 What was it that became clear? 377 00:18:53,697 --> 00:18:55,002 That I needed to go. 378 00:18:56,082 --> 00:18:57,714 I needed to get back to the Navy... 379 00:18:57,884 --> 00:19:00,408 Discipline, order, "Yes, sir, no, sir." 380 00:19:00,578 --> 00:19:02,404 Knowing when to go to sleep, when to wake up, 381 00:19:02,591 --> 00:19:04,417 what to wear, what to eat, what to do. 382 00:19:04,587 --> 00:19:06,145 To get out of my own head. 383 00:19:06,666 --> 00:19:08,947 This is not for everyone, you know, this self-Examination. 384 00:19:09,117 --> 00:19:10,225 Some of us... 385 00:19:11,193 --> 00:19:13,202 we just need to live our lives, man. 386 00:19:18,520 --> 00:19:21,093 Why do you think you went to that particular bar? 387 00:19:23,519 --> 00:19:24,599 I don't know. 388 00:19:28,604 --> 00:19:30,193 I wanted anyone to so much as breathe 389 00:19:30,363 --> 00:19:32,564 so I could beat the living hell out of them, that's why. 390 00:19:33,917 --> 00:19:34,997 But nobody did. 391 00:19:42,398 --> 00:19:46,074 Could it be, Alex, that you were there for exactly the opposite reason? 392 00:19:47,906 --> 00:19:49,351 'Cause no one would question you 393 00:19:49,521 --> 00:19:52,944 or ask you to be anything other than yourself? 394 00:19:56,165 --> 00:19:59,131 You see, these issues with your father, with your own identity, 395 00:19:59,301 --> 00:20:01,944 with what you really want for yourself, 396 00:20:03,136 --> 00:20:06,041 these things, they have to be looked at. 397 00:20:07,498 --> 00:20:10,605 Don't you think it would be better to deal with them here on the ground 398 00:20:10,775 --> 00:20:13,807 than have them follow you 20,000 feet into the air? 399 00:20:14,098 --> 00:20:16,896 Wait, are you actually expressing an opinion here? 400 00:20:18,171 --> 00:20:19,870 Are you telling me not to fly? 401 00:20:20,903 --> 00:20:22,217 I can't answer that. 402 00:20:23,427 --> 00:20:25,953 It makes me feel like you're asking me 403 00:20:26,230 --> 00:20:29,596 to share responsibility for another major decision in your life. 404 00:20:29,766 --> 00:20:32,208 You know, go back to baghdad, leave michaela. 405 00:20:33,936 --> 00:20:35,673 I think we're way past that. 406 00:20:37,012 --> 00:20:39,575 I'm not asking you to decide, Paul. I can decide. 407 00:20:40,465 --> 00:20:41,658 I have decided. 408 00:20:42,953 --> 00:20:45,714 No, i'm asking you, man to man... 409 00:20:47,999 --> 00:20:49,820 Tell me, what would you do 410 00:20:50,736 --> 00:20:51,902 if you were me? 411 00:21:02,422 --> 00:21:03,746 Alex, if I was you, 412 00:21:04,554 --> 00:21:06,047 I would stay in therapy. 413 00:21:07,396 --> 00:21:09,285 I would continue to deal with the complex, 414 00:21:09,455 --> 00:21:11,341 difficult issues that we've been talking about, 415 00:21:11,511 --> 00:21:12,909 not sweep them under the carpet 416 00:21:13,079 --> 00:21:14,882 like you've been doing in your life. 417 00:21:15,661 --> 00:21:17,239 I can tell you one thing: 418 00:21:18,688 --> 00:21:20,472 They will creep up on you again. 419 00:21:23,205 --> 00:21:25,515 But you won't tell me not to fly. 420 00:21:35,369 --> 00:21:36,608 You know, you're wrong. 421 00:21:37,998 --> 00:21:39,312 I don't make mistakes. 422 00:21:39,725 --> 00:21:42,256 When i'm up in the sky, that's when i'm in control. 423 00:21:47,501 --> 00:21:48,778 You don't get it yet. 424 00:21:49,821 --> 00:21:51,905 I am the best. 425 00:21:54,481 --> 00:21:55,908 Now, Paul, listen to me. 426 00:21:58,546 --> 00:22:01,129 Don't fuck me up with this Navy shrink. Please. 427 00:22:02,188 --> 00:22:04,649 Don't take my world away from me. 428 00:22:23,759 --> 00:22:24,801 Well... 429 00:22:26,520 --> 00:22:27,840 I think we're done. 430 00:22:39,046 --> 00:22:40,210 What is it, doc? 431 00:22:45,508 --> 00:22:47,401 Here's my cell phone. 432 00:22:48,982 --> 00:22:50,713 I want you to call me any time, 433 00:22:51,000 --> 00:22:52,074 day or night, 434 00:22:52,848 --> 00:22:54,814 if you need to talk about anything. 435 00:23:08,027 --> 00:23:09,295 I just had a thought. 436 00:23:10,236 --> 00:23:12,021 Soon i'm going to be flying over the armpit 437 00:23:12,191 --> 00:23:13,628 of the fucking world, 438 00:23:14,315 --> 00:23:15,900 and i'll be thinking about you 439 00:23:16,163 --> 00:23:17,233 in your... 440 00:23:18,351 --> 00:23:19,468 In your chair. 441 00:23:22,338 --> 00:23:23,446 You know, Alex, 442 00:23:24,010 --> 00:23:25,728 I just wanted to say that... 443 00:23:27,391 --> 00:23:29,495 I think you've done great work here... 444 00:23:30,894 --> 00:23:31,964 Brave. 445 00:23:33,162 --> 00:23:34,232 Really. 446 00:23:36,827 --> 00:23:38,273 I want us to continue that. 447 00:23:41,055 --> 00:23:42,069 Okay? 448 00:23:44,602 --> 00:23:46,357 - Bye, doc. - Take care, Alex.