TED: That afternoon, at the Farhampton Inn...
... Aunt Lily and I tried to check in. Ripped By mstoll
Are you chewing gum?
You never chew gum. You shouldn't chew gum in here.
Nobody cares if I chew gum, Ted.
- Are you chewing gum? - Yes, she is. She's chewing gum.
- Ooh, can I have a piece? - Of course.
Great, thank you. Okay, let's chew some gum and get you guys all checked in.
Ms. Aldrin, how many keys will you need?
Two. My husband's getting in later.
Excellent. And Mr. Mosby?
- Uh. Just one, please. - Oh.
Oh, I see. Oh...
Well, hang in there. You'll find somebody.
Thank you, front desk stranger.
Sorry. We don't get a lot of singles here.
I mean, look at this place. It's so romantic.
Countless babies conceived within these walls.
And one grisly murder.
Now, are you sure that you wouldn't feel more comfortable staying at a motel?
What? No. Look, I'm not some miserable, Ionely person. Tell him, Lily.
- It's a tough weekend for him. - Bro.
- We're here for a wedding. - Ouch.
- And he used to date the bride. - Oh, mama.
- And he's the best man. - Devastating.
Please, just check us in.
Your rooms aren't gonna be ready for hours.
In the meantime, Ms. Aldrin...
...I think you and your husband should check out the lighthouse.
Beautiful view of the bay. So romantic.
Here's the channel guide for the TV.
Don't listen to him, Ted.
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
You are not alone.
In fact, this whole weekend...
...it is gonna be nothing but me and... Marshall!
Thank God. If I had to be here alone, I'd kill myself!
Marshall missed his flight. He might not get here tonight.
He might not get here at all.
We only have a few of these left.
Hi, Linus.
Here's how this goes down.
If I'm gonna make it through this weekend...
...I need you to hook a lady up.
Any time you see me without a drink in my hand...
...you put a drink in my hand.
Are you my guy, Linus?
- So, you want the Kennedy package? - Bingo.
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
Go for Barney.
Ah. Thank you, Linus.
Barney, before you get too upset, there's another flight that leaves in five minutes.
- Get on it. - I'm gonna try.
There is no try! You're getting on that plane.
Hey. Growth Spurt.
If there is only one seat left on this plane, I will fight you for it.
And I'm a biter.
Marshall, grab her carry-on and throw it into a restricted area.
I'm serious. Do it. Do it now.
What? No! Barney, are you... No! I'm not gonna... That's... No!
There is no "What? No! Barney, are you... No! I'm not gonna... That's... No!"
This is a holiday weekend.
You're not gonna get to New York by being nice.
So you're gonna have to lose the whole Midwestern aw-shucksy-doodles thing...
- Shucksy-doodles? - Act like a New Yorker.
A pushy, obnoxious, knock-the-guy- down-and-take-his-hot dog resident...
...of the greatest city on Earth! - No can do, Barney.
I'm from Minnesota. Where there's plenty of hot dogs.
Perhaps even too many.
But listen, I'm gonna get to New York without being ajerk.
- Just get to New York! - I'll get to New York!
Nobody's getting to New York. Not this weekend, anyway.
There's a big storm rolling up the East Coast.
All the airports are closing.
My advice is rent a car and drive.
But you better hurry. They're gonna run out of cars soon.
[GRUNTS]
Okay, listen, if we're both going to New York...
...why don't we rent a car and split the drive?
Seems like a reasonable plan.
- Can I help you with that diaper bag? - Sure. Thank you.
Have a nice bus ride, pumpkin head!
Hey, lady.
You just threw away your ticket to a really great road trip.
I'm sorry, I can't hear you.
You're all the way back there, and I'm all the way up here.
- Ha, ha. - You can hear me.
Get ready to be driving the jealous mobile...
...because our car is gonna have games, snacks...
...a James Patterson audio book my mother describes as...
..."cluttering her glove box."
Your car? I'll be in Pittsburgh before you get your car.
We'll see about that!
You're not gonna wanna go through Pittsburgh.
The 94 backs up around Allentown, so you're gonna wanna stick on 80.
Jerk-face!
Come on, universe. I'm a nice guy.
Send me a miracle.
TED: And then the universe sent your Uncle Marshall...
... Herm.
Okay, people, move along!
You want a car? You got a car. Beat it.
What kind of car do you want? Too slow. You get a minivan.
Next. Mid-sized sedan. Incoming.
- Next! - Yes!
You want the gas option? Nobody wants the gas option. Next!
Hello, I need a car.
You got it. That's all of them! We're all out of cars, everybody!
Wait! No! You let this guy beat you?
Ma'am, it's not a race.
That right there is why you lost.
Maybe this is your fault, you ever think of that?
Maybe if you'd just been a little bit nicer...
...then you would be the one driving this lovely... What kind of car is it?
TED: Now, kids, I don't remember the actual name of this car...
... but to an environmentalist like Marshall, this car was a monstrosity.
It's a 2006 Monstrosity.
CHORUS [SINGING]: Monstrosity
'Cause global warming's not real
- Oh, no. Not a Monstrosity. - I'll take it!
- I can't drive that. - I can! Give me the Monstrosity!
- Anything else? - I'll take the Monstrosity!
- Nothing else. - Give me the keys, old man!
It's just so freaking huge.
Actually, it's a Monstrosity Sport, so it's a little smaller.
CHORUS [SINGING]: Monstrosity Sport
It's still freakin'huge
Fine, I'll take it. But I'm also gonna need a baby seat.
We're out of baby seats. Get out of here.
- God! What am I gonna do? - I don't care.
[GROANS]
Can I make a suggestion?
I rent the car, then I go buy the car seat...
...come back here, pick you guys up...
...and then the three of us drive to New York together.
Heh.
Let me get this straight.
So, you're gonna rent the car...
...go and get a baby seat for my son...
...and then drive all the way back here to pick me up?
That's right.
Then you're gonna need some cash here.
A hundred bucks.
- So we'll see you soon? - You got it, Michael.
- Marshall. - Doesn't matter now, does it?
Remember this day, Marvin.
Not only is this the day that we either saw Prince...
...or a really flamboyantly-dressed greyhound...
...it's also the day that your dad chose not to be ajerk...
...and put his trust in humanity.
And just watch where it gets us.
Shucksy-doodles!
TED: Uncle Marshall was just about ready to abandon his faith in humanity...
... but let's back up a bit.
And now, the true tale of the Stinson curse.
Moscow, 1807.
What a wonderful night at the opera. Wouldn't you agree, Comrade Barnovski?
I would indeed, Comrade Jamesokoff.
But you know what made it truly wonderful?
Being here with my wife.
The beet in my borscht, the fur on my hat.
The only person I've ever been attracted to, ever.
I feel the same way about Kyle...
...my platonic friend from work.
[THUDS]
Is it just me, or did that feel like we hit an old Gypsy woman?
- Yep. Old Gypsy woman. - Good call, Barnovski.
She's just a peasant. Home, Smirnoff!
Wait. She's saying something.
Hornier!
"Hornier"? Son of a bitch!
- Did she just put a curse on us? - Nonsense, brother.
Okay, let's go, Smirnoff.
Smirnoff?
Homina, homina-vich!
Mm. Smirnoff, I would climb you like the Kremlin Wall.
- What's happening to me? - Don't you see?
You're getting hornier, brother!
Just like the old Gypsy woman said! Oh, hello there.
Ever had a White Russian?
BARNEY: For the next 200 years...
... every male member of the Stinson family was afflicted by the Gypsy's curse...
... a thirst for booty...
... that no committed relationship could ever satisfy.
That is, until my brother, James, met his husband, Tom.
The day they got married, they lifted the curse forever...
...freeing me from the shackles of having sex with lots of women.
Although sometimes, Robin and I still use the shackles. Bondage five!
Oh!
[GAGGING THEN CELL PHONE RINGS]
Go for Barney!
Ah. Thank you, Linus!
- This is worse than I thought. - I know, Showtime, no HBO?
JAMES: No.
Tom and I are getting divorced.
That's why you look extra handsome.
I do get extra hot when I'm single.
- Your skin looks amazing... - Looks amazing. I know.
So why'd you guys break up?
Well, remember that when something like this happens, it's nobody's fault.
- You cheated on him. - Repeatedly.
I thought about keeping it quiet, but...
...wouldn't my family want me to be honest with them about news this big?
Aw. Can I just say five things?
What is the matter with... Sorry, six... you?
What?
I'm sorry about you and Tom...
...but you can't drop a bombshell like this...
...so close to someone's wedding!
You broke the curse.
You and Tom are the only couple that makes Barney believe in marriage.
Ha, ha. Really? The only couple?
I mean, no one else comes to mind?
Been together 17 years.
She's a spunky redhead.
He's got calves that launched a thousand lady boners.
Hey, sorry about that.
Hey, did you guys know that Sunday is James' and Tom's anniversary?
How cool is that?
We're Anniversary Bros.
Every year, we should celebrate. Just the two of us.
Listen, bro, you...
I know, I know.
"Please, Barney, you don't have to get us an anniversary gift this year."
- You get them a gift? - Why shouldn't I?
They make me believe marriage is possible.
I mean, I'm sitting right here.
Thank you, Linus.
- Barney... - Cover your ears...
...and hum "The Battle Hymn of the Republic."
Why?
It's for the bride.
[HUMMING]
Listen, James. My cousin Vince is a Mountie.
His girlfriend is home, but he gets gay at weddings. He's yours.
I am giving you Vince. Just please, don't tell Barney.
If he finds out the only successful marriage in his life is over...
- I hate everyone. ...it will spook him.
- I don't want him getting spooked! - Robin, have some faith.
Do you think what you and Barney have is that fragile?
I don't wanna find out.
Fine.
- Thanks, baby. - No sweat.
So, James, seriously, where's Tom?
He can't make it. He had his wisdom teeth out.
On top of the divorce? That is rough.
Uh-oh.
What is she talking about?
Tom and I are getting a divorce.
Excuse me.
Vince? Off the table.
- What was that? - I don't know. It just came out.
That's it. It's barely even noon. You're cut off.
Thank you, Linus.
- Thank you, Linus. - Okay, but after that one, you're cut off!
You are not doing this! Step away from the desk!
What are you talking about?
You found out about James and Tom, it freaked you out...
...and now you're asking this guy to point you in the direction...
...of the nearest, dirtiest strip club.
Oh. Well, that's a tough one.
Uh, the nearest one that's kind of dirty is The Sand Box...
...but the dirtiest one that's nearby is The Crab Shed.
- Dude! - Sorry.
Uh, but hey, if you do go, maybe you could take Ted.
I'm worried about that kid.
No, Robin, I am not going to a strip club.
Especially right now. Can you imagine the day shift at The Crab Shed?
Robin, I came to the desk to get this.
- Is that the key to our room? - It's the key to James's room.
[EASY-LISTENING ROCK MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
Oh, my. What is that?
It's an erotic cake. I wanted to surprise them.
Is that James and Tom?
Mm. Caramel marzipan. Chocolate marzipan.
- I love chocolate marzipan. - So does Tom.
Used to, anyway.
This is, uh, absolutely the weirdest thing anyone has ever done for their sibling.
I love you so much.
Baby
You thought I was gonna freak out.
Well, I mean, a Gypsy cursed your family to become hornier...
...and do awesome guitar solos. Can you blame me?
Look, am I bummed about James and Tom getting a divorce? Obviously.
But I don't need them to make me believe in true love anymore.
I've got you for that now.
Mm.
Heh. I gotta figure out what to do with all this.
Before we do that...
...would it be all right if I nibbled on your brother's ding dong?
How about we nibble on my brother's ding dong together?
- I'd like that. - Hmm.
TED: So they cleaned all that stuff out and had a talk with James.
And Barney didn't freak out. Because here's the thing, kids...
... when you believe in people, people come through.
Just so we're clear, I pick the music.
- Of course. - Say it.
- Say, "Daphne picks the music." - Daphne picks the music.
- And you pay for gas. - Are you kidding?
Do you have any idea how much gas this thing takes?
No, no, no, okay. Okay. I pay for gas.
Good. Now, get in. It's a long ride to Phoenix.
- What? - Ha, ha.
I'm just kidding. Ooh! This is gonna be fun.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
- This must be the singles table. - Heh.
Guess it is.
Well, it's nice to be asking this question instead of answering it, for a change.
How are you doing?
I don't know.
I'm trying to be happy for my brother, but...
...I guess a person has a different perspective on weddings...
...when he knows what's down there at the end of the aisle.
It's not all champagne and frosting.
Mr. Stinson, your room is ready. And Ted...
...she's right around the corner.
Thank you, Curtis. I feel it too.
No, the housekeeper.
She's in the room right around the corner from yours. Another hour, tops.
Sure.
Okay. See you later, Ted.
You're not giving up, James.
And neither am I.
[BILLY JOEL'S "SOUVENIR" PLAYING]
TED: Hey, beautiful. - Hi.
- God, you look great. - What?
- Come on. - You do!
I've been in a car all morning. I just ate a croissant crumb...
...that I found in my bra. I'm disgusting.
Yeah, I saw you do that, and it was super-hot, really.
- Come here. - You come here.
Hey, want to hear something funny?
One year ago today, almost to the minute...
...I was sitting at this very table. Right in that seat.
Oh, yeah. I can see it.
Nursing your gin and tonic with three extra limes...
...doing the crossword...
...probably being all showboaty about it. - I wasn't being showbo...
Vesuvius! Boo-yah!
Oh, wait, that doesn't fit.
The point is, one year ago today...
...I made a promise to myself. Right at this table.
What was the promise?
I'm coming back. And I'm bringing you.
Wait a second. Hold it.
One year ago today, you hadn't even met me.
I know, but I knew I would.
And now, it's a year later.
- And here I am. - And here you are.
Love in your eyes. Baked goods in your undergarments.
Yeah. You picked a real winner, Mosby.
I did.
- Souvenir
Okay, seriously, what the crap is taking so long with these rooms?
It was like this last year.
I'll be right back.
I'll be right here.
Sorry that took so long.
Please, try to enjoy your stay.
- I will. - Try to.
I will enjoy my stay.
- Try. - Not gonna try.
Just gonna do it.
- Good for you. - Not good for me.
Just neutral for me.
- Attaboy. - No, at-not-a-boy.
It gets better.
I am fine, Curtis. Okay?
I enjoy and appreciate the happiness of other people...
...whether I'm in a relationship or not! Okay? Curtis?
So just go ahead and give me my one key, because I'm fine.
[EASY-LISTENING ROCK MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
Oh, come on.
I need another drink. Ripped By mstoll