1 00:00:01,668 --> 00:00:03,795 So I've been thinking a lot about it... Ripped By mstoll 2 00:00:04,004 --> 00:00:07,098 ...and I'd really like to start calling you "shorty" in public. 3 00:00:07,640 --> 00:00:10,837 By the way, my office is throwing a party tomorrow, I'd like you to be there. 4 00:00:11,044 --> 00:00:12,671 I have a photo shoot, but I can come after. 5 00:00:12,879 --> 00:00:14,141 [CELL PHONE CHIMES] 6 00:00:14,347 --> 00:00:15,780 Yeah, well, that sounds good. 7 00:00:15,982 --> 00:00:17,813 CECE: Who's that? - Hm? 8 00:00:18,051 --> 00:00:19,416 Heh. It's my doctor. 9 00:00:19,619 --> 00:00:21,917 - Uh, Dr. Cover. - Mm-hm. 10 00:00:22,122 --> 00:00:24,317 Dr. Wyland Cover. He's my oncologist. 11 00:00:25,325 --> 00:00:27,020 He's an oncologist. 12 00:00:27,227 --> 00:00:28,785 You guys know anything about cats? 13 00:00:28,995 --> 00:00:31,691 To score points with Daisy, I promised to watch her cat. 14 00:00:31,898 --> 00:00:35,459 They carry disease, are obsessed with my nipples and are unwelcome in this loft. 15 00:00:35,668 --> 00:00:38,330 Did you just say that cats are obsessed with your nipples? 16 00:00:38,538 --> 00:00:40,165 I've told you this story before. 17 00:00:40,607 --> 00:00:43,007 [KITTENS MEOWING] 18 00:00:46,112 --> 00:00:48,672 I think I would have remembered that story. 19 00:00:48,882 --> 00:00:50,144 No cats. 20 00:00:50,350 --> 00:00:52,580 Ugh! Come on, bangs, you sons of bitches. 21 00:00:52,786 --> 00:00:54,515 - Here, let me do them, Jess. - What? 22 00:00:55,121 --> 00:00:57,555 - Nick, Nick, stop. Stop, you're gonna ruin it. - What? 23 00:00:57,757 --> 00:00:59,918 I'm not gonna... I was making them look prettier. 24 00:01:00,126 --> 00:01:02,151 - You weren't. - Then they look perfect as is. 25 00:01:02,362 --> 00:01:04,853 - Can I ask you a question? - We having this thing right now? 26 00:01:05,065 --> 00:01:06,896 - Do I look okay? - Do you look okay? 27 00:01:07,100 --> 00:01:08,567 - Yeah. - Hell, yeah. 28 00:01:08,768 --> 00:01:11,362 - I want to put it on you. - "On"? Put it on me? 29 00:01:11,571 --> 00:01:13,664 Yeah, "on," I stand by that. 30 00:01:13,873 --> 00:01:15,363 I'd like to put it on you. 31 00:01:16,409 --> 00:01:17,671 What is wrong, Jess? 32 00:01:17,877 --> 00:01:21,677 I've been at this new school for a week now and I still haven't made any friends. 33 00:01:22,215 --> 00:01:25,946 There's, like, a clique of teachers and they run the school. 34 00:01:26,319 --> 00:01:29,083 - You keep bumping me against the wall - What? 35 00:01:29,289 --> 00:01:30,881 - Yeah, I know I let you slide before - Hey! 36 00:01:31,424 --> 00:01:34,052 But until you seen me, trust me 37 00:01:34,260 --> 00:01:36,228 You ain't seen bouncin'back 38 00:01:36,429 --> 00:01:38,693 You keep bumping me against the wall 39 00:01:38,898 --> 00:01:41,924 I just want them to like me. I know it sounds dumb, but... 40 00:01:42,135 --> 00:01:45,935 Leave it to me. I'll fix it. You're Nick Miller's girl now. You're my old lady. 41 00:01:46,139 --> 00:01:47,766 - What? - Whatever you need, you got it. 42 00:01:47,974 --> 00:01:49,942 Why are you talking like a James Taylor song? 43 00:01:50,143 --> 00:01:52,475 Hey, any of you guys know anything about cats? 44 00:01:52,679 --> 00:01:55,443 Oh, my God, Schmidt has the greatest cat story. 45 00:01:56,282 --> 00:01:58,113 NICK: It was disgusting. WINSTON: Shut your mouth. 46 00:01:58,318 --> 00:02:02,880 - I thought it was cute. - Oh, grow up. Nothing came out. 47 00:02:04,057 --> 00:02:05,490 [SINGING] Who's that girl? 48 00:02:05,692 --> 00:02:07,990 CHORUS: Who's that girl? - It's Jess 49 00:02:10,497 --> 00:02:11,930 [WINSTON GRUNTS THEN NICK WHISTLES] 50 00:02:13,399 --> 00:02:16,232 You know what? I've never actually seen you this happy. 51 00:02:16,469 --> 00:02:17,731 - Who are you? - Heh. I don't know. 52 00:02:17,937 --> 00:02:20,132 - I've never seen you smile. - Yeah. 53 00:02:20,340 --> 00:02:22,103 This is the first time. It's not bad. 54 00:02:22,308 --> 00:02:25,106 - I mean, it's not great. - I agree. Somewhere in the middle. 55 00:02:25,311 --> 00:02:27,176 - Hey, can I ask you something? - Of course. 56 00:02:27,380 --> 00:02:33,285 Hypothetically speaking, what if you met somebody that you liked just as much as Jess? 57 00:02:33,486 --> 00:02:37,820 - Stop, you picked Cece, so let Elizabeth go. - Initially, I said hypothetically, so... 58 00:02:38,024 --> 00:02:42,961 You know a place I can get cheap school supplies? I only have 15 and a halfie. 59 00:02:43,163 --> 00:02:45,154 - A halfie? - Yeah, it's a half... It got ripped. 60 00:02:45,365 --> 00:02:46,354 [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS] 61 00:02:46,566 --> 00:02:47,863 No one's gonna accept that as currency. 62 00:02:48,067 --> 00:02:50,467 - Hey. What's up, guys? - I thought you pressed the button. 63 00:02:50,670 --> 00:02:53,298 - I didn't press the button. - What is wrong with you? 64 00:02:53,506 --> 00:02:54,871 What did you do when you walked in? 65 00:02:55,074 --> 00:02:57,338 - Talked to you. - I'm gonna go pick up Daisy's cat. 66 00:02:57,677 --> 00:03:00,646 You don't just ask anybody to take care of your cat. That's serious. 67 00:03:00,847 --> 00:03:04,248 So I decided I'm gonna go over there and I'm gonna ask Daisy... 68 00:03:04,450 --> 00:03:06,384 ...to be my girlfriend. - You are? 69 00:03:06,586 --> 00:03:07,575 - Wow! - Yeah. 70 00:03:07,787 --> 00:03:10,881 NICK: Yeah. Good stuff. Happy for you. SCHMIDT: Major move. Look at you, man. 71 00:03:11,090 --> 00:03:13,251 I'm gonna go over there and I'm gonna tell Daisy: 72 00:03:13,459 --> 00:03:17,828 "Listen, my heart is a two-man bike and I want you in the rear." 73 00:03:19,265 --> 00:03:21,290 - What do you think? - Winston, don't say that. 74 00:03:21,501 --> 00:03:24,129 You can say "the rear," you don't want her in your rear. 75 00:03:24,337 --> 00:03:26,396 - Don't say "the rear" at any time. - You're jealous. 76 00:03:26,606 --> 00:03:28,506 - What? - You guys are gonna steal my swag. 77 00:03:28,708 --> 00:03:30,232 I wouldn't even know how to begin to steal a swag. 78 00:03:30,443 --> 00:03:31,910 [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS] 79 00:03:32,111 --> 00:03:34,409 - I thought you pressed the button. - I've been way over here. 80 00:03:34,614 --> 00:03:36,878 - You've missed the button twice. - I'll press the button. 81 00:03:37,083 --> 00:03:40,541 Last night, I rectified our budget... 82 00:03:40,753 --> 00:03:45,247 ...while taking a long soak in my new Jacuz. 83 00:03:45,925 --> 00:03:48,826 My elbows are as soft as babies. 84 00:03:49,028 --> 00:03:52,259 I love a soft elbow. How about you bring that noise over here? 85 00:03:53,533 --> 00:03:56,001 Good meeting. Great. Well... 86 00:03:56,536 --> 00:03:57,867 [FACULTY SNICKERING] 87 00:03:58,071 --> 00:04:00,198 [LAUGHING] 88 00:04:00,406 --> 00:04:02,271 DAN: Foster's such a dork. - He needs to get laid. 89 00:04:02,475 --> 00:04:03,908 I got laid. Heh-heh-heh. 90 00:04:05,311 --> 00:04:06,608 This morning. 91 00:04:06,813 --> 00:04:08,178 From my boyfriend. 92 00:04:08,381 --> 00:04:12,579 So coitus no one interruptus. 93 00:04:12,785 --> 00:04:16,221 That... Because we finished, so... 94 00:04:16,689 --> 00:04:18,054 Why are you talking to us? 95 00:04:18,258 --> 00:04:19,691 - You have owl eyes. - Yeah. 96 00:04:23,062 --> 00:04:24,791 Hey. Trust me. 97 00:04:24,998 --> 00:04:26,397 What's up, teachers? 98 00:04:26,599 --> 00:04:29,090 Who wants free school supplies? 99 00:04:29,302 --> 00:04:32,328 - What are you doing here? - Point to the ones who don't like you. 100 00:04:32,538 --> 00:04:33,596 I am fixing it for you. 101 00:04:34,374 --> 00:04:35,466 [SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY] 102 00:04:35,675 --> 00:04:39,702 Listen, why don't you guys come to my bar later for free drinks? Teachers don't pay. 103 00:04:41,147 --> 00:04:43,547 - We'll think about it. - Okay, they'll think about it. 104 00:04:44,684 --> 00:04:46,117 Bye. 105 00:04:46,519 --> 00:04:48,817 - Oh, my God, that was genius. - It's a no-brainer. 106 00:04:49,022 --> 00:04:52,549 - No, that's an amazing move, sex partner. - Sex part... 107 00:04:52,759 --> 00:04:55,125 With the promotion, I got a new office. 108 00:04:55,328 --> 00:04:58,729 So I don't have to look at Bethany's mismanaged eyebrows all day. Like it? 109 00:04:58,931 --> 00:05:02,128 It's a perfect two-thirds replica of Don Draper's office from Mad Men. 110 00:05:02,335 --> 00:05:03,529 And you're my sexy Peggy. 111 00:05:03,736 --> 00:05:06,762 - Good God. At least shut the door. - My tiny credenza is in the way. 112 00:05:06,973 --> 00:05:10,067 Hey, Elizabeth, are you gonna be coming to the party tomorrow night? 113 00:05:10,276 --> 00:05:12,403 - Party? What party? - The big office party. 114 00:05:12,612 --> 00:05:14,341 Schmidt, did you not invite her? 115 00:05:15,915 --> 00:05:18,509 I was just about to invite you to go. 116 00:05:18,718 --> 00:05:20,447 Cool. It's a date. 117 00:05:20,653 --> 00:05:23,315 - Bye, baby. - Bye. Mwah. Mwah. 118 00:05:25,692 --> 00:05:28,820 How dare you interfere with my personal life, you crone. 119 00:05:29,028 --> 00:05:32,191 I don't kick up a fuss when you massage yourself with your yoga ball. 120 00:05:32,398 --> 00:05:34,366 Oh! I'm sorry, were you going to invite Cece? 121 00:05:34,567 --> 00:05:37,035 Beth, please. I'm in love with both of these women. 122 00:05:38,071 --> 00:05:42,371 Do I feel bad about lying to them? Yes. I'm a Sagittarius. 123 00:05:42,575 --> 00:05:46,341 Congrats on your new office. Gina gave birth on that carpet. 124 00:05:52,952 --> 00:05:54,476 Consider this closed. 125 00:05:55,455 --> 00:05:57,150 WINSTON: Right, so, yeah. Um... 126 00:05:57,423 --> 00:06:00,290 Um, so, Daisy, what I was really trying to say... 127 00:06:00,493 --> 00:06:01,482 [WATER RUNNING] 128 00:06:01,694 --> 00:06:03,423 ...is, um... 129 00:06:03,663 --> 00:06:06,029 - Is your shower running? - I was about to take a shower. 130 00:06:06,232 --> 00:06:08,359 - What's going on? - Okay. Um... 131 00:06:08,568 --> 00:06:11,059 Daisy, I think what we have is real. 132 00:06:11,270 --> 00:06:13,500 And, uh, I want us to be exclusive. 133 00:06:13,706 --> 00:06:17,904 Just you and me in the rear. 134 00:06:19,379 --> 00:06:20,641 Yeah, that sounds great. 135 00:06:20,847 --> 00:06:22,508 Awesome. Um... 136 00:06:26,119 --> 00:06:27,484 Sorry. That's mine. 137 00:06:27,687 --> 00:06:30,588 So Furguson gets his wet food in the morning, dry food at night. 138 00:06:31,257 --> 00:06:32,417 [WATER STOPS RUNNING] 139 00:06:32,859 --> 00:06:33,848 [RUSTLING] 140 00:06:36,262 --> 00:06:37,923 - Is somebody in there? - No. 141 00:06:38,131 --> 00:06:39,689 [TOILET FLUSHES] 142 00:06:39,899 --> 00:06:41,958 No treats after midnight. 143 00:06:42,969 --> 00:06:45,631 DAN: "My name is Principal Foster. 144 00:06:45,838 --> 00:06:48,170 And this is the Jacuz." 145 00:06:48,374 --> 00:06:49,500 - Ha-ha-ha! - "The Jacuz." 146 00:06:49,709 --> 00:06:52,143 He's so nice, don't you think? 147 00:06:52,345 --> 00:06:54,779 He's such a nice boss. Ahem. 148 00:06:54,981 --> 00:06:56,243 [MOVING CASTLES' "WARHOL" PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS] 149 00:06:56,449 --> 00:06:58,383 [IN SOUTHERN ACCENT] Y'all want some drinks? 150 00:06:58,584 --> 00:06:59,778 - Yeah. Okay. - Yeah. 151 00:06:59,986 --> 00:07:01,613 DAN: Thank you. Thank you. - Thank you. 152 00:07:01,821 --> 00:07:03,721 [IN NORMAL VOICE] What do you think? I think it's going well. 153 00:07:03,923 --> 00:07:05,447 I just realized what's happening. 154 00:07:05,658 --> 00:07:08,957 It's high school over there. They're the cool kids and you're the nerd. 155 00:07:09,295 --> 00:07:10,557 I was never a nerd. 156 00:07:10,763 --> 00:07:12,890 [SINGING] On western wings the fowls doth fly 157 00:07:13,099 --> 00:07:15,567 On briny swells the fishes doth swim 158 00:07:15,868 --> 00:07:17,529 Oh, like you were so cool. 159 00:07:18,471 --> 00:07:19,460 Stall. 160 00:07:19,672 --> 00:07:22,368 ALL [CHANTING]: Nick! Nick! Nick! Nick! 161 00:07:22,575 --> 00:07:23,701 ALL: Oh! 162 00:07:25,311 --> 00:07:27,472 - The Miller Sack Pack. - The Miller Sack Pack? 163 00:07:27,680 --> 00:07:29,238 They made shirts. 164 00:07:29,449 --> 00:07:32,247 You know what? I'm not explaining my coolness to you. I was cool. 165 00:07:32,452 --> 00:07:36,388 Listen to me, you wanna be in with them? Roll with the punches, go with the flow. 166 00:07:36,589 --> 00:07:38,181 Make fun of your boss a little bit. 167 00:07:38,391 --> 00:07:40,325 Don't follow your instincts. 168 00:07:40,526 --> 00:07:44,519 I wouldn't sing, but most importantly, follow my lead. 169 00:07:44,730 --> 00:07:47,221 And by follow my lead, I mean drink. 170 00:07:47,767 --> 00:07:50,827 And I mean drink a lot. 171 00:07:51,037 --> 00:07:53,733 Drinking to be cool, Nick? That's not a real thing. 172 00:07:53,940 --> 00:07:56,500 That's the only thing in the world I know to be true. 173 00:07:58,044 --> 00:08:00,808 - Schools are for fools. - They are. 174 00:08:01,013 --> 00:08:03,345 Sometimes firemen are women. 175 00:08:03,549 --> 00:08:05,949 - Sometimes. Sometimes. WOMAN: Ow! 176 00:08:08,221 --> 00:08:09,518 [MOANS] 177 00:08:09,722 --> 00:08:10,780 Hey, there she is. 178 00:08:10,990 --> 00:08:12,287 Old Toilet Pants. 179 00:08:12,492 --> 00:08:15,950 The girl who bet herself $6 she could dance in a toilet bowl. 180 00:08:16,162 --> 00:08:19,598 [SINGING] I said hey, yeah, yeah, yeah 181 00:08:19,799 --> 00:08:21,858 What's going on? 182 00:08:22,335 --> 00:08:23,859 - I'm cool. - You are cool. 183 00:08:24,070 --> 00:08:27,164 But you still gotta go to work, you're running late. Up and at them. 184 00:08:27,373 --> 00:08:30,934 I gotta talk to you. I have a real problem. Oh, my God, did you kill Jess? 185 00:08:31,143 --> 00:08:33,805 No, she got really drunk last night and she passed out. 186 00:08:34,013 --> 00:08:35,480 Hey, guys. 187 00:08:35,681 --> 00:08:38,673 - Are you crying, buddy? - No. Hey, did he kill Jess? 188 00:08:38,885 --> 00:08:39,909 - No. - No, I didn't kill... 189 00:08:40,119 --> 00:08:41,177 [MOANS] 190 00:08:41,387 --> 00:08:44,356 Remember when I was so hung over I almost missed my flight for Christmas? 191 00:08:44,557 --> 00:08:47,720 - Ah, count it down. - Three, two, one. 192 00:08:48,094 --> 00:08:51,188 ALL [SINGING]: I believe I can fly 193 00:08:51,397 --> 00:08:54,264 I believe I can touch the sky 194 00:08:54,467 --> 00:08:57,129 I think about it every night and day 195 00:08:57,737 --> 00:09:00,729 - Spread my wings and fly away - No. No. 196 00:09:00,940 --> 00:09:04,068 - I believe I can soar - Soar 197 00:09:04,277 --> 00:09:06,575 - I'm up. I'm up. That's beautiful. NICK: She's awake. 198 00:09:06,779 --> 00:09:08,303 - Where are my tights? NICK: In the bathroom where you barfed. 199 00:09:08,514 --> 00:09:10,243 JESS [SINGING]: Spread my wings and fly 200 00:09:10,449 --> 00:09:12,542 - Sounded good. What'd you do to her? - Start the band. 201 00:09:12,752 --> 00:09:14,481 Told her I thought drinking would make her cool. 202 00:09:14,687 --> 00:09:18,248 Are you a 14-year-old hockey player? You're supposed to protect, not encourage her. 203 00:09:18,457 --> 00:09:20,823 Okay, I am protecting her. She's my old lady now. 204 00:09:21,027 --> 00:09:23,222 - By turning her into you? - I'm not... 205 00:09:23,429 --> 00:09:25,420 Yeah, Daisy cheating on me. 206 00:09:28,467 --> 00:09:31,061 Wait, we're using real honey? It's so sticky. 207 00:09:31,270 --> 00:09:33,329 Hey, babe, what a nice surprise. 208 00:09:34,206 --> 00:09:37,300 I came to tell you that you can't come with me to the party tonight. 209 00:09:37,510 --> 00:09:41,446 They just told me that it's employees only. No sig oths. 210 00:09:41,647 --> 00:09:44,707 - Just say "significant others." - Maybe you have time, I'm on a tight sched. 211 00:09:44,917 --> 00:09:47,283 We're gonna go late here anyway, so no worries. 212 00:09:47,486 --> 00:09:49,078 All right. Shorty. 213 00:09:49,288 --> 00:09:50,346 [CHUCKLES] 214 00:09:50,556 --> 00:09:51,648 All right, bring in the bees. 215 00:09:51,857 --> 00:09:52,846 [BEES BUZZING] 216 00:09:53,059 --> 00:09:55,289 Wait, the bees are real too? Oh, hell, no. 217 00:09:55,494 --> 00:09:57,257 Nick, I need your help, okay? 218 00:09:57,463 --> 00:10:01,763 Now, I am no plumber, but I'm 99 percent sure that there was a guy in her bathroom. 219 00:10:01,968 --> 00:10:03,731 She agreed to be exclusive with you... 220 00:10:03,936 --> 00:10:10,865 ...while the guy she is sleeping with was washing his size-15 dingdong in the shower. 221 00:10:11,077 --> 00:10:14,103 - Now you're taking care of her cat. - Those are the bullet points, yes. 222 00:10:14,313 --> 00:10:17,476 You know what you gotta do to get yourself out of this situation. 223 00:10:17,683 --> 00:10:19,878 Break up with Daisy. 224 00:10:20,086 --> 00:10:22,316 Yeah, I mean, you're making some very good points. 225 00:10:22,521 --> 00:10:26,821 Break up with Daisy, that's an option. I was thinking, like, I'll kill her cat. 226 00:10:27,026 --> 00:10:28,618 Winston. 227 00:10:29,595 --> 00:10:31,085 Yeah, I'm gonna kill her cat first. 228 00:10:31,297 --> 00:10:32,491 - Hey. - I'm gonna kill you. 229 00:10:32,698 --> 00:10:34,222 [GROWLS] 230 00:10:36,636 --> 00:10:38,297 DAN: Hey, it's Lil Toilet Pants. 231 00:10:38,504 --> 00:10:42,065 - Hey. Toilet Pants. - Toilet Pants. 232 00:10:42,274 --> 00:10:44,765 - Please stop shouting. - You are so awesome. 233 00:10:45,111 --> 00:10:47,079 I wanna show you something. 234 00:10:47,279 --> 00:10:48,541 Oh! 235 00:10:49,181 --> 00:10:50,170 Oh, oh, oh. 236 00:10:52,551 --> 00:10:56,351 You're one of us now. You never have to drink out of a paper cup again. 237 00:10:56,555 --> 00:10:57,817 Fun mugs. 238 00:10:59,959 --> 00:11:02,723 This one makes me look like I have a... 239 00:11:02,928 --> 00:11:03,952 ...mustache. - Mustache. 240 00:11:04,163 --> 00:11:05,892 - Mustache. - Mustache. 241 00:11:07,800 --> 00:11:09,233 [WINSTON SIGHS] 242 00:11:09,568 --> 00:11:11,559 NICK: What's up, Winston? - Oh, hey, Nick. 243 00:11:11,771 --> 00:11:14,137 I couldn't figure out the best way to kill Furguson. 244 00:11:14,340 --> 00:11:18,037 So I decided to just let him choose how he wants to die. 245 00:11:18,244 --> 00:11:20,610 If only I could get him to leave that damn sunbeam. 246 00:11:22,181 --> 00:11:24,308 - You're gonna murder a cat? - Yeah. 247 00:11:24,517 --> 00:11:27,042 This is ajoke, right? This is one of your pranks? 248 00:11:27,253 --> 00:11:28,982 An eye for an eye, Nick. 249 00:11:29,188 --> 00:11:32,021 - A cat for a cat. - But what's the other cat? 250 00:11:32,958 --> 00:11:33,947 My heart. 251 00:11:34,160 --> 00:11:36,526 JESS: Where's that big flashlight you can hit people with? 252 00:11:36,729 --> 00:11:39,163 Do we have any meat pieces that might distract a dog? 253 00:11:39,365 --> 00:11:40,923 NICK: Winston, don't do anything stupid. 254 00:11:41,133 --> 00:11:43,795 - Jess, what are you doing? JESS: Yeah, cool, cool, it's nothing. 255 00:11:44,003 --> 00:11:48,030 We're breaking into Foster's backyard and we are gonna put our butts in his Jacuzzi. 256 00:11:48,240 --> 00:11:49,969 - Put your butts in his Jacuzzi? - Isn't it awesome? 257 00:11:50,176 --> 00:11:51,507 No, it's not awesome. It's a crime. 258 00:11:51,711 --> 00:11:53,679 It's a very stupid crime, but it's a crime. 259 00:11:53,879 --> 00:11:56,905 Do you have any costumes that might make someone look like a bush? 260 00:11:57,116 --> 00:12:01,519 - You are about to commit a felony. - Oh, my God, Nick. You said roll with it. 261 00:12:01,721 --> 00:12:04,884 You're not the kind of person to break into the principal's house and get away with it. 262 00:12:05,091 --> 00:12:08,686 You're the kind of person who gets caught and it ends up on the Internet in a funny way. 263 00:12:08,894 --> 00:12:09,986 [GASPS] 264 00:12:10,196 --> 00:12:13,256 - My God, that is the cutest cat. - Uh, don't get attached. 265 00:12:13,466 --> 00:12:15,058 Okay, both of you, knock it off. 266 00:12:15,568 --> 00:12:16,557 Winston! 267 00:12:16,769 --> 00:12:18,236 JESS: Look, Nick, you're right. 268 00:12:18,437 --> 00:12:20,598 I'm a nerd, I've never fit it. 269 00:12:20,806 --> 00:12:24,037 If I met you in high school, you never would've even noticed me. 270 00:12:24,243 --> 00:12:27,076 That's because I didn't go to class. I wouldn't have seen you. 271 00:12:27,279 --> 00:12:29,372 - It's stupid, but I'm doing this. - I'm not letting you. 272 00:12:29,582 --> 00:12:31,379 - You're not letting me? - No. 273 00:12:31,751 --> 00:12:33,946 If for some reason I don't come back tonight... 274 00:12:34,153 --> 00:12:38,590 ...I'll be at the Appleton Suites under the name Suzuki Sinclair. Ask for Charles. 275 00:12:38,791 --> 00:12:42,227 - We're not done with this conversation. JESS: We are done. 276 00:12:42,428 --> 00:12:45,022 NICK: Where are you going? JESS: I'm getting a flashlight. 277 00:12:45,231 --> 00:12:46,721 - Winston, Winston. - Good way to go. 278 00:12:46,932 --> 00:12:48,559 Don't hurt that cat. 279 00:12:48,768 --> 00:12:50,099 WINSTON: Hey, Furguson. 280 00:12:50,302 --> 00:12:51,428 - Furguson. - Don't do this. 281 00:12:51,637 --> 00:12:52,626 WINSTON: Furguson. NICK: Winston. 282 00:12:52,838 --> 00:12:53,827 WINSTON: Furguson. NICK: Winston. 283 00:12:54,039 --> 00:12:55,404 Winston, stop. Would you stop? 284 00:12:55,608 --> 00:12:56,905 Don't do that scary walk. 285 00:12:57,109 --> 00:12:59,669 Do not do that scary walk that you do that scares me. 286 00:12:59,879 --> 00:13:01,847 Hey, Jess. Jess. Je... 287 00:13:02,047 --> 00:13:04,072 Winston. Don't kill that cat. 288 00:13:04,283 --> 00:13:05,910 I don't know what to do! 289 00:13:08,154 --> 00:13:09,246 [PEOPLE LAUGHING] 290 00:13:09,455 --> 00:13:10,945 [PIANO MUSIC PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS] 291 00:13:11,157 --> 00:13:12,454 - Oh, good Lord. - What's wrong? 292 00:13:12,658 --> 00:13:16,617 You know what? Let me show you the stairwell, where they got the idea for the escalator. 293 00:13:19,298 --> 00:13:21,163 Shorty. My love. My only love. 294 00:13:21,367 --> 00:13:24,461 - I'm sorry, I quit that job and I had to see you. - How emotional. 295 00:13:24,670 --> 00:13:28,401 Let's talk in private in my perfect two-thirds replica of Don Draper's office. 296 00:13:28,607 --> 00:13:30,438 You stay here. I'm gonna get you a drink. 297 00:13:30,876 --> 00:13:32,741 No, no, no, please, you stay here. 298 00:13:35,047 --> 00:13:36,776 - So they're both here. - Oh, God, what? 299 00:13:36,982 --> 00:13:39,849 The gas has been spilled. All we need is a match. 300 00:13:40,052 --> 00:13:41,679 - What are you, narrating a book? - Boom. 301 00:13:47,426 --> 00:13:48,825 [FURGUSON MEOWS] 302 00:13:49,395 --> 00:13:51,420 Here it comes. 303 00:13:51,630 --> 00:13:54,292 The long nap. 304 00:13:54,500 --> 00:13:55,592 [MEOWS] 305 00:13:58,003 --> 00:14:01,598 Oh, wow. Tell you what, man, we both need to just cool off and have a drink. 306 00:14:01,807 --> 00:14:03,365 You smoke? I'm just kidding. 307 00:14:03,709 --> 00:14:05,267 But, man, that'd be cute if you did. 308 00:14:07,079 --> 00:14:09,377 What is wrong with me? 309 00:14:11,684 --> 00:14:13,845 Oh, Furguson. 310 00:14:14,720 --> 00:14:17,120 So listen, I've been dreaming about this fantasy. 311 00:14:17,323 --> 00:14:19,848 I think this party might be the perfect place to try it. 312 00:14:20,059 --> 00:14:22,323 - Okay, but I can't get wet. - No water. 313 00:14:22,528 --> 00:14:25,588 So listen, you and I are gonna be sexy strangers, yeah? 314 00:14:25,798 --> 00:14:30,701 Now, your stranger is the early-to-bed type. Yourjob has you on Hong Kong time. 315 00:14:30,903 --> 00:14:35,169 But the most important thing is, you're the first person to leave the party. 316 00:14:35,374 --> 00:14:37,569 Ooh. I like. 317 00:14:38,577 --> 00:14:40,374 - Wait, is that Cece? - Is that who? 318 00:14:40,746 --> 00:14:42,509 Huh? No. Cece, no. 319 00:14:42,715 --> 00:14:44,706 No, Schmidt, that's definitely Cece. 320 00:14:45,918 --> 00:14:48,751 [PEOPLE CHATTERING] 321 00:14:48,954 --> 00:14:51,388 Sorry, in between modeling jobs, she does catering. 322 00:14:52,091 --> 00:14:54,559 You mind if I go over and say hello? I think it's only right. 323 00:14:54,760 --> 00:14:56,387 Eh... 324 00:14:58,797 --> 00:15:00,731 - Hey. - I know you told me to stay in the office... 325 00:15:00,933 --> 00:15:02,992 ...but Beth insisted l... - Stay away from that woman. 326 00:15:03,202 --> 00:15:05,397 She's patient zero for spreading HPV. 327 00:15:05,604 --> 00:15:08,471 - Here, put on this apron. - Why would I do that? That's crazy. 328 00:15:08,674 --> 00:15:11,040 SCHMIDT: My boss was asking, so I told her you were a caterer. 329 00:15:11,243 --> 00:15:13,040 So just... It's a good idea. 330 00:15:13,245 --> 00:15:15,338 - Okay. SCHMIDT: Just... Yes. 331 00:15:15,547 --> 00:15:19,108 - You really want me here, don't you? - So badly. 332 00:15:21,053 --> 00:15:23,021 Can we just come back when we have a plan? 333 00:15:23,222 --> 00:15:25,850 - Are you afraid? - No, I'm not afraid. 334 00:15:26,058 --> 00:15:28,219 - Rose, give me a boost. - Here's Rose. I got you. 335 00:15:28,427 --> 00:15:30,452 Oh, my... Oh, my God. 336 00:15:30,663 --> 00:15:31,891 ROSE: Gotta help me a little. 337 00:15:32,097 --> 00:15:33,621 That's a hell of a grip, Rose. 338 00:15:33,832 --> 00:15:35,925 I see the Jacuzzi. Aah! 339 00:15:36,135 --> 00:15:37,397 Didn't stick the landing. 340 00:15:37,603 --> 00:15:38,592 You're doing great. 341 00:15:39,138 --> 00:15:41,606 I'm gonna do a loop to not attract suspicion. 342 00:15:41,807 --> 00:15:43,672 - All right. - All right. 343 00:15:45,277 --> 00:15:46,767 Schmidt, I'm right here. 344 00:15:47,079 --> 00:15:48,205 Oh. 345 00:15:48,414 --> 00:15:50,382 - Do I know you? - Right. 346 00:15:50,582 --> 00:15:51,708 [WHISPERS] The fantasy. 347 00:15:52,985 --> 00:15:55,044 [YAWNING] Boy, I gotta go. 348 00:15:55,254 --> 00:16:00,055 [IN NORMAL VOICE] I have a 5 a.m. Conference call with the Asians. 349 00:16:00,259 --> 00:16:02,454 Are you leaving soon, stranger? 350 00:16:02,661 --> 00:16:06,290 You mean corporal? And no, I'm gonna stick around and throw down one more beer. 351 00:16:06,498 --> 00:16:08,159 Sweet. 352 00:16:09,568 --> 00:16:11,968 Oh. Hey, don't tell me you're leaving. 353 00:16:12,171 --> 00:16:15,902 Whew. Great news. My boss is in her office completely passed out. 354 00:16:16,108 --> 00:16:18,167 - We have the night to ourselves. CECE: Thank God. 355 00:16:18,377 --> 00:16:22,541 It was getting a little weird here, right? Dressed up like this. Heh-heh. 356 00:16:22,748 --> 00:16:24,079 [SCHMIDT SIGHS] 357 00:16:24,783 --> 00:16:26,182 Is that Elizabeth? 358 00:16:33,859 --> 00:16:36,657 Okay, look, Cece, I gotta tell you something. 359 00:16:37,196 --> 00:16:38,925 Does Elizabeth work here? 360 00:16:40,833 --> 00:16:42,425 Yes. 361 00:16:42,901 --> 00:16:45,096 - Hey. - We were just talking about you. 362 00:16:45,304 --> 00:16:46,828 The food was good. 363 00:16:47,039 --> 00:16:51,339 - Yeah, I was thinking of taking some home. - You deserve it. 364 00:16:51,543 --> 00:16:53,101 Okay, well, I'm heading off. 365 00:16:53,545 --> 00:16:56,776 The Asian markets wait for no one. 366 00:16:59,718 --> 00:17:03,154 Wow. She was ice-cold to you. 367 00:17:04,456 --> 00:17:06,321 I'm gonna go get a drink. Heh. 368 00:17:06,525 --> 00:17:08,425 What a night. 369 00:17:16,568 --> 00:17:17,865 JESS: I got this. DAN: Open the damn gate. 370 00:17:18,070 --> 00:17:20,368 Jess, hey, don't move, I'm coming over. Rose, move. 371 00:17:21,073 --> 00:17:23,598 - Jess, hey, I'm coming. ROSE: I got you. 372 00:17:23,809 --> 00:17:27,176 Hey, Rose, ease up on the throttle. Those are my precious goods. 373 00:17:27,379 --> 00:17:29,347 - Did you follow me here? - Here I come! 374 00:17:29,548 --> 00:17:31,482 - Unh! Ah. - Nick. 375 00:17:31,683 --> 00:17:34,151 Hey. Hey, Jess. Jess, hey. 376 00:17:34,353 --> 00:17:35,411 - You okay? - Yeah. 377 00:17:35,621 --> 00:17:38,647 I'm sorry I tried to stick my nose in this, I just... 378 00:17:38,957 --> 00:17:41,926 I just... I came here because I'm your old man now. 379 00:17:42,594 --> 00:17:46,325 And if you're going to do something that's obviously very stupid... 380 00:17:46,832 --> 00:17:48,322 ...then I'm gonna do it with you. 381 00:17:51,370 --> 00:17:52,359 [CHUCKLES] 382 00:17:54,206 --> 00:17:56,697 [BOTH SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY] 383 00:17:56,909 --> 00:17:59,343 JESS: Ow! - What's going on out here? Who are you? 384 00:17:59,545 --> 00:18:03,174 No, I used to live here. I was just doing a visit around the neighborhood. 385 00:18:03,382 --> 00:18:05,907 - That's my old bedroom right there. - That's a bathroom. 386 00:18:06,118 --> 00:18:07,449 To you, maybe it is. 387 00:18:07,653 --> 00:18:10,588 But to me and my four brothers, that's a home. 388 00:18:10,789 --> 00:18:14,589 Nick. Nick, I can't let you do this. Mostly because you're so bad at it. 389 00:18:14,793 --> 00:18:17,125 - Is that you, Miss Day? JESS: Yes, it is. 390 00:18:17,329 --> 00:18:20,526 I'm so sorry. I trespassed on your property... 391 00:18:20,732 --> 00:18:25,601 ...and I would not be surprised if you fired me. 392 00:18:25,804 --> 00:18:29,035 I think I know what's really going on here. 393 00:18:29,708 --> 00:18:33,269 You heard about my new Jacuz. 394 00:18:34,079 --> 00:18:35,740 Open up your morning light 395 00:18:35,948 --> 00:18:38,712 And you wanted a taste. Ah. 396 00:18:39,051 --> 00:18:41,781 You know that if we are to stay alive 397 00:18:41,987 --> 00:18:45,582 Come on in, kids, the water's hot. Whoo! 398 00:18:47,326 --> 00:18:49,123 Ah... 399 00:18:49,962 --> 00:18:51,259 Hey. Thanks for watching him. 400 00:18:51,463 --> 00:18:53,590 He can be a real pain in the ass, huh? 401 00:18:53,799 --> 00:18:56,597 Yeah. Was there a dude in your shower yesterday? 402 00:18:58,170 --> 00:18:59,569 - Yes. - Hm. 403 00:18:59,771 --> 00:19:01,671 - How do you know him? - From sex. 404 00:19:01,874 --> 00:19:04,240 But it was from sex before you and I were exclusive. 405 00:19:05,611 --> 00:19:08,102 - Have you had sex with him since? - No. 406 00:19:08,313 --> 00:19:10,804 Oh, wait. Yes, last night. 407 00:19:11,450 --> 00:19:14,681 Look, um, I really liked you, Daisy. 408 00:19:14,887 --> 00:19:19,290 I wanted this to be a thing, but, uh, I deserve better. 409 00:19:21,760 --> 00:19:23,455 - And so does Furguson. - Mm? 410 00:19:23,662 --> 00:19:24,754 [FURGUSON MEOWS] 411 00:19:24,963 --> 00:19:26,555 I'm keeping the cat. 412 00:19:27,900 --> 00:19:29,128 I got your cat. 413 00:19:30,936 --> 00:19:33,632 [BETH CLAPPING] 414 00:19:35,741 --> 00:19:38,005 Well, Schmidt, you win. 415 00:19:38,210 --> 00:19:40,610 They both really love you. 416 00:19:41,346 --> 00:19:44,406 So enjoy your office. 417 00:19:47,319 --> 00:19:49,549 - Hey, Toilet Pants. DAN: Oh! 418 00:19:49,755 --> 00:19:51,313 MOLLY: Toilet Pants. 419 00:19:51,523 --> 00:19:53,320 Thanks for taking the bullet for us. 420 00:19:53,525 --> 00:19:57,586 - How long were you stuck in that Jacuzzi for? - I don't really wanna talk about it. 421 00:19:57,796 --> 00:20:03,962 But, um, at one point, he did grab my foot with his toes like it was a hand. 422 00:20:04,169 --> 00:20:05,295 What are you doing tonight? 423 00:20:05,504 --> 00:20:10,100 Because we got a liquid form of Ecstasy and we're gonna grade papers together. What? 424 00:20:10,309 --> 00:20:15,906 I would love to, but I actually think I'm gonna hang out with my old man. Heh-heh. 425 00:20:16,114 --> 00:20:17,809 That's weird. 426 00:20:18,717 --> 00:20:21,311 - Cool. Weirdo. - See you. 427 00:20:21,520 --> 00:20:23,112 [CHUCKLES] 428 00:20:31,630 --> 00:20:32,688 Hi. 429 00:20:32,898 --> 00:20:34,957 I hear you're interested in joining the Sack Pack. 430 00:20:35,167 --> 00:20:36,327 I might be. 431 00:20:36,535 --> 00:20:41,097 Then perhaps this will wet your whistle of what's fun about being a member. 432 00:20:42,841 --> 00:20:44,240 - Just leave it. - Yeah. 433 00:20:44,443 --> 00:20:46,604 You are terrible at hacky sack. 434 00:20:46,812 --> 00:20:47,870 I think I'm retiring. 435 00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:49,911 [BOTH LAUGHING] 436 00:20:53,919 --> 00:20:57,855 Hey, I just wanna say I would've noticed you. 437 00:20:58,890 --> 00:21:00,323 [CHUCKLING] 438 00:21:08,900 --> 00:21:10,629 - You wanna do it in the teachers' lounge? - Yes. 439 00:21:10,836 --> 00:21:13,202 You do? I'm gonna do it with a teacher. 440 00:21:15,540 --> 00:21:17,269 Shh. 441 00:21:18,744 --> 00:21:20,769 Mm. Mm. 442 00:21:21,847 --> 00:21:25,146 Okay, something is definitely coming out. 443 00:21:25,717 --> 00:21:27,207 [CHUCKLES] 444 00:21:28,353 --> 00:21:30,548 I think we should go. 445 00:21:32,791 --> 00:21:34,554 [SCHMIDT CHUCKLES] 446 00:21:34,760 --> 00:21:37,558 [FURGUSON PURRING AND LAPPING] Ripped By mstoll