1 00:00:30,280 --> 00:00:33,119 Who owns the Infinity Gauntlet? Thanos. 2 00:00:33,120 --> 00:00:37,915 What was Thor's father's name? Odin. Sorry, Moss, I've really got to go. 3 00:00:38,320 --> 00:00:41,039 Awww, just a few more, just a few more... 4 00:00:41,040 --> 00:00:43,439 No, no, I'm sorry, you've done more than enough. 5 00:00:43,440 --> 00:00:47,440 OK, all right, baby, see you later. Bye-bye. Wow! Right? 6 00:00:48,280 --> 00:00:51,959 That's an impressive knowledge of the Marvel universe. I know. 7 00:00:51,960 --> 00:00:53,279 Well, you've done it. 8 00:00:53,280 --> 00:00:56,599 You've finally found a woman I can do business with. 9 00:00:56,600 --> 00:00:59,639 Yeah, no, don't say things like that. 10 00:00:59,640 --> 00:01:03,640 I'm sorry, I'm just so excited for us. No... 11 00:01:07,600 --> 00:01:11,600 If you don't go in all the way, it doesn't really count. 12 00:01:14,000 --> 00:01:18,000 Hey, red! Stand back, stand back, this one's mine. 13 00:01:18,080 --> 00:01:20,439 I'm going to do everything for you, really nice. 14 00:01:20,440 --> 00:01:24,439 Stand back, stand back, she's all mine. 15 00:01:24,440 --> 00:01:28,440 It's tight. You're so strong. 16 00:01:52,720 --> 00:01:56,720 It's bubbling over. 17 00:02:14,040 --> 00:02:18,040 It's on the house... for you. 18 00:02:18,880 --> 00:02:22,880 Oh, my God! You inspire me. Have a great day. I will... and you. 19 00:02:26,800 --> 00:02:30,800 Thank you. Ciao. 20 00:02:35,200 --> 00:02:38,639 Moss, have you seen the video of the baby speaking French? 21 00:02:38,640 --> 00:02:42,439 It went viral at 10:30, Roy, of course I've seen it. 22 00:02:42,440 --> 00:02:44,799 I must have been in the toilet. 23 00:02:44,800 --> 00:02:47,479 Ah, Jen, exciting news, I've just uploaded the second 24 00:02:47,480 --> 00:02:50,279 episode of my board games review show. 25 00:02:50,280 --> 00:02:54,280 Care to have a look? 26 00:02:55,120 --> 00:02:57,199 That was fast. 27 00:02:57,200 --> 00:03:01,200 Seems like only yesterday that we had to sit through the last one. 28 00:03:01,560 --> 00:03:04,319 It was three months ago, Jen. Really? 29 00:03:04,320 --> 00:03:07,839 It feels like it just happened. Roy, did you hear that? 30 00:03:07,840 --> 00:03:11,840 Moss has done his board game review show again. I'm not watching that. 31 00:03:12,160 --> 00:03:13,799 I'm not watching that again. 32 00:03:13,800 --> 00:03:16,999 Jesus Christ, we don't have to watch it, do we? 33 00:03:17,000 --> 00:03:19,639 We only sat through the first one the other day. 34 00:03:19,640 --> 00:03:23,640 It was three months ago. My God! Wow, it feels like it just ended. 35 00:03:26,640 --> 00:03:30,640 It was so boring! It was like being insane, it was so insanely boring! 36 00:03:34,520 --> 00:03:38,520 Roy's not a fan but you said you liked it. 37 00:03:38,720 --> 00:03:42,720 Where did you get your coffee? A new place. Any good? Really good. 38 00:03:44,080 --> 00:03:46,439 You specifically said, and I quote, 39 00:03:46,440 --> 00:03:49,319 "You must show me the next one, Moss." Did I? 40 00:03:49,320 --> 00:03:51,719 Did I really? My God! 41 00:03:51,720 --> 00:03:53,319 Oh, if you'll excuse me, 42 00:03:53,320 --> 00:03:55,959 that'll be my lady love from the seventh floor. 43 00:03:55,960 --> 00:03:59,960 That's going well? Oh, yeah! He's cock-a-hoop over this Sheila. 44 00:04:01,960 --> 00:04:03,959 OK, so that'll be over soon, then. 45 00:04:03,960 --> 00:04:06,359 Hey, I'll have you know that Alice is nuts about me. 46 00:04:06,360 --> 00:04:10,360 She thinks that I'm emotionally artistic. Well, what does that mean? 47 00:04:12,040 --> 00:04:16,040 Erm, she said that emotionally I was on the artistic spectrum. 48 00:04:17,160 --> 00:04:21,160 I think it means that I'm creative about my feelings, you know, 49 00:04:22,960 --> 00:04:26,479 more in tune with her wants and needs than most men. 50 00:04:26,480 --> 00:04:29,239 Oh, she's rung out... That keeps happening. 51 00:04:29,240 --> 00:04:30,959 All right, if I'd said I'd watch it, 52 00:04:30,960 --> 00:04:33,639 then I suppose that's what I'm going to have to do. 53 00:04:33,640 --> 00:04:36,839 That's the spirit, Jen. Come on, let's get it over with. 54 00:04:36,840 --> 00:04:38,199 Now, keep an open mind. 55 00:04:38,200 --> 00:04:41,279 I know the first show was a bit "bare boned" but I think you'll 56 00:04:41,280 --> 00:04:45,159 really enjoy my new episode, or "webisode", if you prefer. 57 00:04:45,160 --> 00:04:47,039 I don't prefer that, no-one does. 58 00:04:47,040 --> 00:04:50,159 Come on, come on, sooner it starts, sooner it's over. 59 00:04:50,160 --> 00:04:54,160 Game board. 60 00:04:58,120 --> 00:05:02,120 Game... game... game... 61 00:05:07,160 --> 00:05:09,319 Game... Board. 62 00:05:09,320 --> 00:05:11,799 Game... Board. 63 00:05:11,800 --> 00:05:14,239 Game... Board. 64 00:05:14,240 --> 00:05:18,240 Board... board... board... board... 65 00:05:22,280 --> 00:05:26,280 Hello and welcome to Games Board. Today on the show, we have... 66 00:05:27,440 --> 00:05:31,440 So, guys... I've been playing... 67 00:05:32,280 --> 00:05:35,839 What's coming up on the show... 68 00:05:35,840 --> 00:05:39,319 ..guys? I've... I've been playing Ports of Essen. 69 00:05:39,320 --> 00:05:42,999 A strategic trading game, where each player takes 70 00:05:43,000 --> 00:05:47,000 the role of a Danish fishing port merchant in the 16th century. 71 00:05:49,680 --> 00:05:53,680 And for a change of pace, I've been looking at the expansion to 72 00:05:54,840 --> 00:05:58,840 Textile Merchant, Norfolk Edition. 73 00:05:59,680 --> 00:06:02,479 Two games by Reiner Kiniksi? Hold on to your hat, 74 00:06:02,480 --> 00:06:03,640 it's going to be a bumpy... 75 00:06:06,720 --> 00:06:09,199 Let's talk about components. 76 00:06:09,200 --> 00:06:11,959 Shouldn't we do rules before components? 77 00:06:11,960 --> 00:06:14,799 It won't make any sense if we do it before the rules. 78 00:06:14,800 --> 00:06:17,279 Don't forget to cut this conversation. 79 00:06:17,280 --> 00:06:19,680 What? Well, don't let the actual programme... 80 00:06:21,840 --> 00:06:25,840 How long is this? Even hearing it is bad. I need to stop hearing it. 81 00:06:28,760 --> 00:06:31,719 Sorry, Moss, I can't do it, it's unbearable. Where are you going? 82 00:06:31,720 --> 00:06:35,720 I'm jealous of your coffee. You literally can't watch it? 83 00:06:36,040 --> 00:06:39,319 I literally can't watch it. 84 00:06:39,320 --> 00:06:41,799 So what can we do to make it better? 85 00:06:41,800 --> 00:06:45,479 Well, I don't want to say anything that might hurt your feelings. 86 00:06:45,480 --> 00:06:48,919 It's all right, I can take it, Jen. I'm a big boy. 87 00:06:48,920 --> 00:06:51,839 Well, as I say, it's slow, it's so slow. 88 00:06:51,840 --> 00:06:55,479 OK, good, it is a bit slow, we can work on that. 89 00:06:55,480 --> 00:06:59,279 And I guess the other thing is that it's terrible. 90 00:06:59,280 --> 00:07:01,959 It's slow and terrible. 91 00:07:01,960 --> 00:07:04,319 If a friend asked me to describe it, I'd say it's a slow, 92 00:07:04,320 --> 00:07:07,319 terrible thing on the internet, that I could only watch for a minute. 93 00:07:07,320 --> 00:07:09,359 Is this helpful? 94 00:07:09,360 --> 00:07:13,360 So helpful! God! Slow, terrible, could only watch it for a minute. 95 00:07:17,000 --> 00:07:19,399 Wow, a lot to get our teeth stuck into there. 96 00:07:19,400 --> 00:07:22,079 OK, well, let's see if I can help you with anything else. 97 00:07:22,080 --> 00:07:24,799 Erm, none of you are any good in front of a camera. 98 00:07:24,800 --> 00:07:27,559 None of us, yeah... You've got really annoying voices. 99 00:07:27,560 --> 00:07:29,079 The voices are a pain, yes. 100 00:07:29,080 --> 00:07:31,839 And I guess that's because you haven't got any confidence. 101 00:07:31,840 --> 00:07:35,039 No confidence. I mean, if there's one thing you need, it's confidence. 102 00:07:35,040 --> 00:07:37,519 It is confidence. Absolutely. 103 00:07:37,520 --> 00:07:40,399 Well, Jen, I can only thank you, once again... And another thing... 104 00:07:40,400 --> 00:07:44,400 I'm not listening any more! 105 00:07:48,640 --> 00:07:52,039 Douglas, you're encourageable. I'm encourageable? 106 00:07:52,040 --> 00:07:53,799 You're Raymond Peterfellow, 107 00:07:53,800 --> 00:07:56,879 owner of the finest lap-dancing establishments in So-ho, 108 00:07:56,880 --> 00:08:00,880 if anyone's encourageable it's you, you perfumed porno vampire. 109 00:08:03,800 --> 00:08:06,919 Perfumed porno vampire, I like that. 110 00:08:06,920 --> 00:08:10,799 So you're thinking of having 500 of these travelling across London? 111 00:08:10,800 --> 00:08:13,119 That's what I said. Sexy and classy. 112 00:08:13,120 --> 00:08:15,279 And that's difficult to pull off. 113 00:08:15,280 --> 00:08:17,599 This will get people talking, all right. 114 00:08:17,600 --> 00:08:19,999 Consider me one happy shareholder. 115 00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:24,000 Right. Oh, big party coming up on Thursday night, if you're up for it? 116 00:08:24,560 --> 00:08:27,279 Damn, I'm supposed to be doing Secret Millionaire. 117 00:08:27,280 --> 00:08:30,999 BLEEP it, I'll cancel. I'll tell my assistant. 118 00:08:31,000 --> 00:08:34,159 Hi, Joan. Jen. I'm not your assistant, Mr Reynholm. 119 00:08:34,160 --> 00:08:36,399 I want you to cancel Secret Millionaire for me. 120 00:08:36,400 --> 00:08:38,679 I'm not your assistant, wouldn't know who to call. 121 00:08:38,680 --> 00:08:41,439 Just say anything, work your usual magic. Not your assistant. 122 00:08:41,440 --> 00:08:43,439 I am not your... 123 00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:45,719 Oh, I'm sorry, I thought this was the toilet. 124 00:08:45,720 --> 00:08:47,199 Didn't this used to be toilets? 125 00:08:47,200 --> 00:08:51,200 Yes, I moved my office here to be closer to the ladies toilets. 126 00:08:52,080 --> 00:08:55,559 Must get someone to take that sign down. 127 00:08:55,560 --> 00:08:57,959 What's wrong with you, Ross? 128 00:08:57,960 --> 00:09:01,960 Small mocha, please. Small mocha, please. Okey-dokey. 129 00:09:04,880 --> 00:09:07,959 Or medium... 130 00:09:07,960 --> 00:09:11,279 Yeah, you know what? I've changed my mind, I think I'll have a medium. 131 00:09:11,280 --> 00:09:15,280 So, you don't want a small one? 132 00:09:15,560 --> 00:09:19,239 Small's fine, small is just as good, so I'll... just... 133 00:09:19,240 --> 00:09:22,959 Yes, that is what I'll have, I'll have a small mocha, my little man. 134 00:09:22,960 --> 00:09:26,960 My good man. 135 00:09:27,160 --> 00:09:31,160 OK, coming up. 136 00:09:43,840 --> 00:09:47,840 Got it? 137 00:09:53,720 --> 00:09:56,679 OK. 138 00:09:56,680 --> 00:10:00,680 Fuck's sake. 139 00:10:06,560 --> 00:10:10,399 Thank you for the virgin gin and tonic. 140 00:10:10,400 --> 00:10:14,400 I suppose you could just call it tonic. Yes. 141 00:10:15,000 --> 00:10:18,679 So, Ross, how goes it in the world of computers? 142 00:10:18,680 --> 00:10:21,279 Or PC world, if you will? 143 00:10:21,280 --> 00:10:23,359 We're all very happy, thank you, Mr Reynholm. 144 00:10:23,360 --> 00:10:27,360 Very happy indeed. Forget this "we" malarky, I'm talking to you, Ross. 145 00:10:27,480 --> 00:10:30,879 Are you happy? Very happy, thank you, Mr Reynholm. 146 00:10:30,880 --> 00:10:32,439 Look, I'm not your boss. 147 00:10:32,440 --> 00:10:34,479 We're just a couple of guys, a couple of guys, 148 00:10:34,480 --> 00:10:38,359 shooting this shit, now tell me the truth. 149 00:10:38,360 --> 00:10:42,360 Well, I suppose, sometimes I do feel I lack a little confidence. 150 00:10:43,880 --> 00:10:45,759 I know, it's silly. 151 00:10:45,760 --> 00:10:49,760 No, I've just realised what a funny voice you have. 152 00:10:50,720 --> 00:10:52,839 Now, Ross, I'm going to tell you something. 153 00:10:52,840 --> 00:10:56,840 Confidence is a confidence trick. Look at me, what do you see? 154 00:10:58,720 --> 00:11:02,119 A man who inherited his father's successful business. 155 00:11:02,120 --> 00:11:04,759 Wasn't that successful. It was pretty successful. 156 00:11:04,760 --> 00:11:06,999 A lot more successful than it is now, that's for sure. 157 00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:09,479 All right, all right, just say the right thing. 158 00:11:09,480 --> 00:11:11,159 Say the thing I want you to say. 159 00:11:11,160 --> 00:11:14,919 Say, "A confident man", say "A confident man". A confident man. 160 00:11:14,920 --> 00:11:18,079 I wasn't always this way. There was a time when I was just like you. 161 00:11:18,080 --> 00:11:20,879 But then I discovered the secret. 162 00:11:20,880 --> 00:11:23,239 And, Ross, I'm going to tell you what that secret is 163 00:11:23,240 --> 00:11:25,239 but you must keep it to yourself. 164 00:11:25,240 --> 00:11:29,240 I will take my ears to the grave. 165 00:11:30,240 --> 00:11:34,240 Two words. Women's slacks. 166 00:11:39,640 --> 00:11:42,079 I'm sorry? 167 00:11:42,080 --> 00:11:46,080 Women's slacks. 168 00:11:46,840 --> 00:11:50,840 Women's slacks? Yes. I'm wearing women's slacks. 169 00:11:53,040 --> 00:11:57,040 You're wearing women's slacks? Yes. 170 00:12:00,640 --> 00:12:04,639 That's nothing like what I thought you were going to say. Is it not? 171 00:12:04,640 --> 00:12:06,239 It is not. 172 00:12:06,240 --> 00:12:09,360 I thought you were going to give me a book recommendation, or something. 173 00:12:10,640 --> 00:12:14,079 Book recommendation? I can't read. 174 00:12:14,080 --> 00:12:16,799 No, I don't know what it is, but women's slacks give me 175 00:12:16,800 --> 00:12:20,199 the confidence I need to survive in a tough business world. 176 00:12:20,200 --> 00:12:23,559 They're lighter, airier and less constricted than men's trousers 177 00:12:23,560 --> 00:12:26,364 and I'm pretty sure it doesn't make me a transvestite. 178 00:12:34,534 --> 00:12:38,534 Look at that shit, look at it. I can't... How am I supposed to... 179 00:12:38,654 --> 00:12:42,654 It looks like he milked a cow over it. You're so fussy about coffee. 180 00:12:42,934 --> 00:12:46,733 It's very annoying. It's ruined. He ruined my coffee. 181 00:12:46,734 --> 00:12:48,573 Don't just chuck it like that. 182 00:12:48,574 --> 00:12:51,373 That fellow shouldn't be allowed to be a barista. Why not? 183 00:12:51,374 --> 00:12:55,374 Because he's too small, Jen. He's clearly too small to be a barista. 184 00:12:56,934 --> 00:13:00,934 What? You're being a bit of a small person racist, Roy. 185 00:13:03,294 --> 00:13:06,093 A small person racist? That's not a thing. 186 00:13:06,094 --> 00:13:08,213 You can't have tiny baristas, Jen. 187 00:13:08,214 --> 00:13:11,933 For God's sake, the man works with steam. 188 00:13:11,934 --> 00:13:14,453 I'm going to have to have a word with him. 189 00:13:14,454 --> 00:13:18,454 Have a word with him? That's right. About his height? 190 00:13:20,294 --> 00:13:24,294 I think he'd appreciate the feedback. About his height? 191 00:13:24,974 --> 00:13:26,973 That's not what people do, Roy. 192 00:13:26,974 --> 00:13:29,693 Well, I'm not people, Jen, and I think that's a good thing. 193 00:13:29,694 --> 00:13:31,973 I'm not afraid to cut through the bullshit. 194 00:13:31,974 --> 00:13:35,974 I bet this is exactly what Alison was talking about. Autistic. 195 00:13:36,974 --> 00:13:40,974 She said, "Autistic." That's what happened. 196 00:13:41,174 --> 00:13:45,174 No, I don't think so. There is no artistic spectrum. 197 00:13:45,414 --> 00:13:48,813 But she's so... 198 00:13:48,814 --> 00:13:52,253 Did she say it during an argument, by any chance? 199 00:13:52,254 --> 00:13:55,213 She did say it during a... She did say it... 200 00:13:55,214 --> 00:13:58,733 You know what was weird, was we were having quite a big argument 201 00:13:58,734 --> 00:14:02,574 and then suddenly, out of nowhere, she paid me that lovely compliment. 202 00:14:05,814 --> 00:14:08,093 Hey, baby. 203 00:14:08,094 --> 00:14:12,013 Oh, oh, good, good, yes. 204 00:14:12,014 --> 00:14:15,533 Sure, yeah, I'd love to. 205 00:14:15,534 --> 00:14:19,534 Yes, OK, well I'll see you there. 206 00:14:19,734 --> 00:14:23,093 What? Why? No. 207 00:14:23,094 --> 00:14:27,094 Hello? Alice? 208 00:14:28,254 --> 00:14:32,254 That was weird. What? OK, so, what the hell is that? 209 00:14:33,334 --> 00:14:36,213 So she tells me that her grandfather died, she wants me to go to the 210 00:14:36,214 --> 00:14:40,214 funeral. I say that I'd be delighted, and then she hangs on me. 211 00:14:40,334 --> 00:14:42,613 Her grandfather's funeral? Yeah. 212 00:14:42,614 --> 00:14:45,453 That's what you were just talking about just there. That's right. 213 00:14:45,454 --> 00:14:49,454 You sounded like you were being invited to Glastonbury. 214 00:14:49,574 --> 00:14:53,574 Oh, funerals are sad. You did not sound sad. 215 00:14:55,774 --> 00:14:57,093 I wasn't concentrating. 216 00:14:57,094 --> 00:14:59,693 Emotionally artistic? You're emotionally colour-blind, 217 00:14:59,694 --> 00:15:03,213 that's what you are. Maybe I am emotional colour-blind. 218 00:15:03,214 --> 00:15:05,573 I was about to confront that little man. I know. 219 00:15:05,574 --> 00:15:07,653 I was going to give him shit about his height. 220 00:15:07,654 --> 00:15:11,654 Glad you realise now how inappropriate that would've been. 221 00:15:12,454 --> 00:15:16,454 I'll just leave him a note. 222 00:15:36,534 --> 00:15:40,534 I'm here on purpose. Oh, yes. 223 00:15:42,574 --> 00:15:46,574 I'm interested in women's slacks. I see. 224 00:15:47,334 --> 00:15:51,334 I'd like... Sorry. Hot ear. 225 00:15:52,054 --> 00:15:56,054 I'd like to buy a pair of women's slacks. 226 00:15:57,014 --> 00:15:59,893 For me, not for a woman. 227 00:15:59,894 --> 00:16:03,893 Oh, yes, well, that shouldn't be a problem. 228 00:16:03,894 --> 00:16:07,894 I'm not trying to look like a woman. I understand. 229 00:16:09,494 --> 00:16:11,973 I'm not a confident man. 230 00:16:11,974 --> 00:16:15,974 Quite. Well, let's see what we can do for you. 231 00:16:20,774 --> 00:16:23,413 I don't know about this. Oh, just ask them, Jen. 232 00:16:23,414 --> 00:16:26,133 Me and Juan, we have a thing. 233 00:16:26,134 --> 00:16:28,973 I don't want another splashy-splashy coffee from the teeny-tiny 234 00:16:28,974 --> 00:16:31,533 coffee man. Poor woman. 235 00:16:31,534 --> 00:16:34,853 No, no, no, don't give her money. You're not supposed to do that. 236 00:16:34,854 --> 00:16:38,854 I'm actually a person, Roy, with human feelings. 237 00:16:46,934 --> 00:16:49,134 I'm sorry, I thought you were... 238 00:16:51,014 --> 00:16:53,574 I don't know what to do. Here's ã5. Do you want ã5? 239 00:16:55,294 --> 00:16:59,093 I don't know if you want money. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. 240 00:16:59,094 --> 00:17:02,694 I'm sorry, I'm sorry. What happened? Never mind, just go. 241 00:17:13,894 --> 00:17:17,894 What do you think? I think... 242 00:17:18,934 --> 00:17:22,934 you just sold a brother some slacks. 243 00:17:26,814 --> 00:17:30,814 Help, help, get off me! Let go. You're a bully. 244 00:17:31,956 --> 00:17:35,956 Need to save that old woman, but I have no confidence. 245 00:17:49,476 --> 00:17:53,476 Hey! 246 00:17:59,956 --> 00:18:03,956 Thank you. 247 00:18:13,156 --> 00:18:17,156 Hey, come, come, no queue for you. Come on. 248 00:18:18,436 --> 00:18:22,436 Hello, Juan. I'm with her. 249 00:18:23,316 --> 00:18:27,316 It must be my birthday. I get to see you twice so quick. Back again. 250 00:18:28,076 --> 00:18:29,955 Same as usual, please. 251 00:18:29,956 --> 00:18:31,155 Could I ask you a huge favour 252 00:18:31,156 --> 00:18:33,715 and ask you to make Roy's coffee for him, too? 253 00:18:33,716 --> 00:18:37,716 I've been going on and on about you. And I like what I heard. 254 00:18:37,876 --> 00:18:39,995 Would that be OK? Would you mind? 255 00:18:39,996 --> 00:18:43,996 Of course, anything for you, my sweet. OK. 256 00:18:50,036 --> 00:18:54,036 Slippery fingers. 257 00:19:20,276 --> 00:19:24,276 It's all right. It's not all right. Look, it looks like me with a beard. 258 00:19:27,476 --> 00:19:31,476 I don't want this. It's horrible. 259 00:19:32,956 --> 00:19:36,956 Oh, my God! I didn't mean to. I don't hate you. 260 00:19:38,916 --> 00:19:40,236 None of this is on purpose. 261 00:19:42,716 --> 00:19:45,875 What can I do? Let me give you some money. 262 00:19:45,876 --> 00:19:49,876 Here's ã10. Oh, my God! 263 00:19:50,716 --> 00:19:52,315 I'm not with her. 264 00:19:52,316 --> 00:19:55,835 Oi! Oi! Did you write this comment? What? No. 265 00:19:55,836 --> 00:19:57,715 You've got a problem with smaller people? 266 00:19:57,716 --> 00:20:01,515 I don't have a problem with small people, OK? I don't. 267 00:20:01,516 --> 00:20:03,955 I just don't want you making my coffee. 268 00:20:03,956 --> 00:20:07,355 Because you're bad at it. You're bad at making coffee. 269 00:20:07,356 --> 00:20:09,835 You're too small. You're too small to make good coffee. 270 00:20:09,836 --> 00:20:13,715 You know what? Up yours. No! 271 00:20:13,716 --> 00:20:17,716 Little man, watch out! 272 00:20:19,556 --> 00:20:22,075 It's being called the viral video of the year. 273 00:20:22,076 --> 00:20:24,595 A woman throws her coffee onto a tramp 274 00:20:24,596 --> 00:20:27,875 and then a man has an argument with a small barista. 275 00:20:27,876 --> 00:20:30,235 You're just too small. 276 00:20:30,236 --> 00:20:34,236 The barista goes to cross the road and is hit by a van with breasts. 277 00:20:36,516 --> 00:20:39,155 The woman who's been dubbed by various online commentators 278 00:20:39,156 --> 00:20:43,115 as Coffee Tramp Toss Bitch has not been identified, 279 00:20:43,116 --> 00:20:47,116 while the man known as Small Person Racist was also... 280 00:20:49,316 --> 00:20:53,316 Small people are not a race. This isn't Game Of Thrones. 281 00:20:55,196 --> 00:20:59,196 They're actually calling me a bitch on the news. 282 00:20:59,276 --> 00:21:02,395 What the hell happened there? How did you find out it was us? 283 00:21:02,396 --> 00:21:06,075 It's all here in the weekly surveillance report. 284 00:21:06,076 --> 00:21:09,275 What's going on, Joan? I expect better from my assistant. 285 00:21:09,276 --> 00:21:11,355 I'm not your assistant. My name isn't Joan. 286 00:21:11,356 --> 00:21:15,115 What's your beef with the homeless? I don't have any homeless beef. 287 00:21:15,116 --> 00:21:19,116 Ah, so it's women you hate. Well, that I can understand. 288 00:21:20,476 --> 00:21:23,875 Whoa, whoa, you record our e-mails and tape our phone calls? 289 00:21:23,876 --> 00:21:26,115 All right, dry your eyes, Bono. 290 00:21:26,116 --> 00:21:28,955 If you've nothing to hide, you've nothing to fear. 291 00:21:28,956 --> 00:21:32,115 It wasn't my fault Mr Renholm. I would never throw coffee over 292 00:21:32,116 --> 00:21:33,435 a homeless woman. 293 00:21:33,436 --> 00:21:36,035 I would never abuse a small person, 294 00:21:36,036 --> 00:21:40,036 certainly not enough to make a van with tits hit him. 295 00:21:41,236 --> 00:21:45,195 Although, I suppose I sort of did. I sort of did my one, too. 296 00:21:45,196 --> 00:21:48,555 It's frustrating that we did both of our things. Yes, it is. 297 00:21:48,556 --> 00:21:50,595 All right, spare me. 298 00:21:50,596 --> 00:21:54,596 I was young once, but if this gets out, this could deeply damage 299 00:21:54,876 --> 00:21:58,355 Renholm Industry's ability to make that product that we make. 300 00:21:58,356 --> 00:22:00,435 What do you want us to do, Mr Renholm? 301 00:22:00,436 --> 00:22:04,436 Don't do anything. Stay out of trouble and remember: 302 00:22:04,596 --> 00:22:08,596 There are places lower than the basement. 303 00:22:16,396 --> 00:22:19,315 Stop worrying, Jen. Nobody can make us out in that video. 304 00:22:19,316 --> 00:22:22,035 It's just like early footage of happy slapping. Just relax. 305 00:22:22,036 --> 00:22:24,835 I can't relax. It's all right for you. I have plans. 306 00:22:24,836 --> 00:22:28,836 I want to get up there. I will not be a social piranha. A what, now? 307 00:22:30,916 --> 00:22:34,435 Jen, take a look at this. What is it? It's the new-look game board. 308 00:22:34,436 --> 00:22:38,436 200,000 views? I know. It's a bit different. 309 00:22:41,676 --> 00:22:43,875 Check it out. Game board. Shut the fridge. It's... 310 00:22:43,876 --> 00:22:47,876 Game board. BLEEP game board. 311 00:22:50,796 --> 00:22:54,796 Say what? 312 00:22:56,636 --> 00:22:59,875 Wow! You all seem different somehow. Yes. 313 00:22:59,876 --> 00:23:03,475 We're all wearing women's trousers. 314 00:23:03,476 --> 00:23:05,875 Oh. Right. 315 00:23:05,876 --> 00:23:08,355 Hey, what's going on? Let's get the game board. 316 00:23:08,356 --> 00:23:10,675 He is... Newton Sinclair. 317 00:23:10,676 --> 00:23:13,995 This guy is... Roger Booth. 318 00:23:13,996 --> 00:23:17,355 And I guess I'm still Maurice Moss. 319 00:23:17,356 --> 00:23:19,555 Are you wearing your trousers now? 320 00:23:19,556 --> 00:23:23,275 I couldn't wear them all the time, Jen - I'd have a heart attack. 321 00:23:23,276 --> 00:23:27,276 No, they're safely locked away in my fortress of solitude. 322 00:23:27,516 --> 00:23:30,675 It's funny - when I wear them, I'm a dynamo. 323 00:23:30,676 --> 00:23:33,555 A young Leonard Kravitz, people hanging off my every word. 324 00:23:33,556 --> 00:23:37,075 And then as soon as I take them off, I'm just back to being the same... 325 00:23:37,076 --> 00:23:41,076 She's gone, hasn't she? She's gone. She went quite a while ago. Yeah. 326 00:23:41,956 --> 00:23:45,955 Oh, Michael Buble's here. No, no, it's a funeral, Moss. 327 00:23:45,956 --> 00:23:48,995 I have to go to this funeral for Alice's grandfather 328 00:23:48,996 --> 00:23:50,715 and I'm not looking forward to it. 329 00:23:50,716 --> 00:23:53,795 Funerals are pain in the crack. 330 00:23:53,796 --> 00:23:56,915 Even in the best of circumstances, they're no picnic, 331 00:23:56,916 --> 00:24:00,916 but now I've got Alice on my arse, like the emotion police. 332 00:24:00,996 --> 00:24:04,355 I'm going to have to look convincingly sad 333 00:24:04,356 --> 00:24:08,355 for the majority of the day. 334 00:24:08,356 --> 00:24:12,356 She's not going to expect me to cry, is she? No. What if she does? 335 00:24:13,196 --> 00:24:15,555 I can't cry on cue. What do I do then? 336 00:24:15,556 --> 00:24:19,556 Do what I do when I need to cry. Use a mild pepper-spray solution. 337 00:24:21,276 --> 00:24:23,475 Now that makes sense. See? 338 00:24:23,476 --> 00:24:25,250 That makes more sense than having to feel something. 339 00:24:25,544 --> 00:24:27,303 Do you have any of that stuff here? 340 00:24:27,304 --> 00:24:29,903 Why do you think we have a mini-fridge? 341 00:24:29,904 --> 00:24:33,823 Good evening. 342 00:24:33,824 --> 00:24:35,383 You've got quite a lot of it. 343 00:24:35,384 --> 00:24:37,543 I suppose I have made quite a lot of it. 344 00:24:37,544 --> 00:24:41,544 And what's in here? Just Tabasco, wasabi and a bit of tear gas. 345 00:24:44,664 --> 00:24:48,543 Those sound like bad things to put in your eyes. It's extremely mild. 346 00:24:48,544 --> 00:24:52,544 It's mainly water. OK, I'll take it as a last resort. As a last resort? 347 00:24:53,184 --> 00:24:55,983 In case I find myself out of my emotional death. There you go. 348 00:24:55,984 --> 00:24:59,984 All right. Thanks, Moss. Bye. Bye. 349 00:25:02,263 --> 00:25:04,718 Oh, don't forget to add the water. 350 00:25:23,422 --> 00:25:25,441 Oh, poor Pip Pop. 351 00:25:25,442 --> 00:25:27,762 Sorry, what? 352 00:25:27,800 --> 00:25:29,340 Pip Pop... 353 00:25:29,358 --> 00:25:33,358 We always called him Pip Pop because he was so short. 354 00:25:34,835 --> 00:25:38,514 All of my family on that side are really short. 355 00:25:38,515 --> 00:25:42,475 Is that right? 356 00:25:46,355 --> 00:25:48,234 Oh... 357 00:25:48,235 --> 00:25:49,554 Oh, Alice. 358 00:25:49,555 --> 00:25:53,555 Shh... 359 00:26:01,035 --> 00:26:02,074 Oh! 360 00:26:02,075 --> 00:26:04,114 Roy, are you all right? Holy...! 361 00:26:04,115 --> 00:26:06,354 Yeah, it just really hurts. 362 00:26:06,355 --> 00:26:07,874 Oh, darling. 363 00:26:07,875 --> 00:26:11,875 Oh, it hurts. I know. I know. 364 00:26:14,275 --> 00:26:18,275 Oh... 365 00:26:22,955 --> 00:26:26,955 Oh, Christ, why is this happening? 366 00:26:27,355 --> 00:26:31,194 'Will we ever find out just who this person was? 367 00:26:31,195 --> 00:26:33,994 'Unfortunately, with current technology we can't depixelate 368 00:26:33,995 --> 00:26:36,674 'the picture, so it's very unlikely we'll ever find out 369 00:26:36,675 --> 00:26:40,675 'the identity of this dreadful ginger cow.' 370 00:26:44,435 --> 00:26:48,435 Oh, are you still crying? I don't seem to be able to stop. 371 00:26:50,035 --> 00:26:53,714 One of the pallbearers wasn't able to make it. Oh... 372 00:26:53,715 --> 00:26:56,474 Look, I know this is a bit weird. 373 00:26:56,475 --> 00:26:58,594 Do you mind stepping in? 374 00:26:58,595 --> 00:27:02,434 I'm happy to. I mean, I'm certainly happy to. Yeah, that's fine. 375 00:27:02,435 --> 00:27:04,634 That's fine. 376 00:27:04,635 --> 00:27:08,274 Hi, thanks so much for helping us out. No problem. 377 00:27:08,275 --> 00:27:09,954 Hey! 378 00:27:09,955 --> 00:27:12,274 Hello. Oh, there's another one. 379 00:27:12,275 --> 00:27:15,554 Hi. Have you seen the pallbearers? Yeah. 380 00:27:15,555 --> 00:27:19,555 So you guys and me, we are going to carry the coffin together? Yes. 381 00:27:21,435 --> 00:27:25,435 We are going to put the casket on our collective shoulders 382 00:27:25,835 --> 00:27:28,154 and walk in a straight line with it? 383 00:27:28,155 --> 00:27:30,554 No, it didn't go well, Jen. It didn't go well at all. 384 00:27:30,555 --> 00:27:33,354 I mean, thanks for asking, but no, it wasn't a success. 385 00:27:33,355 --> 00:27:36,074 It wasn't a successful funeral for me. 386 00:27:36,075 --> 00:27:39,554 It didn't have the required gravitas. 387 00:27:39,555 --> 00:27:41,754 Gravitas? No, no. 388 00:27:41,755 --> 00:27:45,755 It wasn't very dignified. It wasn't dignified at all, Jen. 389 00:27:46,635 --> 00:27:50,394 If I had to pick a word to describe Pip Pop's final journey 390 00:27:50,395 --> 00:27:54,395 to the grave, it would be "funny". 391 00:27:54,795 --> 00:27:58,394 It was so funny, Jen. Of course, I tried not to laugh 392 00:27:58,395 --> 00:28:00,634 and I tried to put other things in my head, 393 00:28:00,635 --> 00:28:03,514 but every step that we took was a fresh reminder 394 00:28:03,515 --> 00:28:07,515 of just how funny the whole thing was! 395 00:28:07,555 --> 00:28:11,555 You didn't laugh, did you? I laughed my hole off. 396 00:28:12,955 --> 00:28:15,154 I can't believe she's still with you. 397 00:28:15,155 --> 00:28:17,674 I suppose, but, I mean, I'm hanging on by a thread, Jen. 398 00:28:17,675 --> 00:28:21,515 I think I'll just get through it as long as nothing else bad happens. 399 00:28:25,995 --> 00:28:29,995 There's the phone now. 400 00:28:30,715 --> 00:28:34,314 'The new footage has led to the pair being identified, 401 00:28:34,315 --> 00:28:38,315 'Jen Barber and Roy Trenneman, both employees at Reynholm Industries.' 402 00:28:39,075 --> 00:28:40,954 What the hell were you thinking? 403 00:28:40,955 --> 00:28:43,634 I told you to keep a low profile 404 00:28:43,635 --> 00:28:47,114 and you do it again! 405 00:28:47,115 --> 00:28:49,594 No, no, no, no, no, it's new footage, Mr Reynholm. 406 00:28:49,595 --> 00:28:51,634 Bum your excuses! 407 00:28:51,635 --> 00:28:54,954 Reynholm Industries has a reputation to uphold. 408 00:28:54,955 --> 00:28:58,434 We're not News International, for Christ's sake! 409 00:28:58,435 --> 00:29:01,194 I'm going to have to do Secret "Pissing" Millionaire now 410 00:29:01,195 --> 00:29:03,074 just to undo your damage! 411 00:29:03,075 --> 00:29:06,234 And I'm missing out on a massive party! 412 00:29:06,235 --> 00:29:10,235 You're no longer my assistant. 413 00:29:10,635 --> 00:29:14,154 I'm furious. 414 00:29:14,155 --> 00:29:15,914 And I'll tell you something else, 415 00:29:15,915 --> 00:29:19,474 when I return from the estate, it's... 416 00:29:19,475 --> 00:29:23,475 ..for you. 417 00:29:26,155 --> 00:29:27,475 Oh... 418 00:29:28,635 --> 00:29:30,954 Oh! 419 00:29:30,955 --> 00:29:33,114 Hello, hey, baby. 420 00:29:33,115 --> 00:29:35,314 Oh, yeah, of course. 421 00:29:35,315 --> 00:29:36,754 No, absolutely. 422 00:29:36,755 --> 00:29:40,714 All right, OK. Bye-bye. 423 00:29:40,715 --> 00:29:44,715 She left you? She did. Yeah. 424 00:29:46,755 --> 00:29:49,914 As the identities of Coffee Toss Tramp Bitch 425 00:29:49,915 --> 00:29:52,794 and Small Person Racist are finally revealed, 426 00:29:52,795 --> 00:29:54,594 we at Channel 4 News ask, 427 00:29:54,595 --> 00:29:58,595 "What the hell is wrong with people?" 428 00:30:05,155 --> 00:30:07,554 I've got a lot of new followers on Chitter. 429 00:30:07,555 --> 00:30:09,154 Loads more followers, yeah. 430 00:30:09,155 --> 00:30:10,714 They're all very abusive. 431 00:30:10,715 --> 00:30:12,194 They wish we were dead. 432 00:30:12,195 --> 00:30:13,994 Wait. 433 00:30:13,995 --> 00:30:16,474 What? Chitter. 434 00:30:16,475 --> 00:30:20,475 We can use Chitter to explain ourselves. 435 00:30:20,955 --> 00:30:22,714 Yeah. 436 00:30:22,715 --> 00:30:25,634 Chitter is the perfect place to explain a complex situation. 437 00:30:25,635 --> 00:30:26,954 I know that. 438 00:30:26,955 --> 00:30:29,234 "I didn't mean to throw coffee on that woman. 439 00:30:29,235 --> 00:30:30,794 "I didn't know she was there. 440 00:30:30,795 --> 00:30:33,274 "I went back to try and find her but..." 441 00:30:33,275 --> 00:30:37,154 Oh... Too many characters. Too many characters. 442 00:30:37,155 --> 00:30:38,554 Got it. 443 00:30:38,555 --> 00:30:40,794 "Hate the homeless. 444 00:30:40,795 --> 00:30:43,834 "And I suppose I hate women, too? 445 00:30:43,835 --> 00:30:46,034 "LOL." 446 00:30:46,035 --> 00:30:47,194 Send. 447 00:30:47,195 --> 00:30:50,554 Whoa. You didn't just send that, did you? Yes. 448 00:30:50,555 --> 00:30:51,914 That didn't sound so good. 449 00:30:51,915 --> 00:30:54,554 People get the sense of it, that's the thing about Chitter. 450 00:30:54,555 --> 00:30:57,394 It's best if you're conversational and off-the-cuff. 451 00:30:57,395 --> 00:30:58,874 Here it is. 452 00:30:58,875 --> 00:31:02,274 Oh... You didn't put a question mark after the first sentence. 453 00:31:02,275 --> 00:31:04,554 You don't need to use proper grammar on Chitter. 454 00:31:04,555 --> 00:31:07,474 What you've Chitted here, Jen, is, 455 00:31:07,475 --> 00:31:11,475 "Hate the homeless and I suppose I hate women, too. LOL." 456 00:31:13,275 --> 00:31:17,275 Phew, I'm glad all that's over. 457 00:32:23,155 --> 00:32:25,794 You're too small, you're just too small! 458 00:32:25,795 --> 00:32:29,634 You're too small, too small, too small... 459 00:32:29,635 --> 00:32:33,635 'Which then leads to him being hit by a van with tits.' 460 00:32:43,435 --> 00:32:46,394 And now Anonymous are after us. 461 00:32:46,395 --> 00:32:48,914 Well, that's just ideal. 462 00:32:48,915 --> 00:32:52,234 Oh, a bunch of nerds sitting at their computer, what can they do? 463 00:32:52,235 --> 00:32:56,235 We pissed off the Internet, Jen. The Internet is coming to get us! 464 00:32:57,235 --> 00:33:01,235 Well, let's get IT before IT gets us. 465 00:33:01,555 --> 00:33:04,674 What are you...? 466 00:33:04,675 --> 00:33:07,594 Oh, I don't want Anonymous after me. 467 00:33:07,595 --> 00:33:09,714 I am inanonymous... 468 00:33:09,715 --> 00:33:12,194 I think. 469 00:33:12,195 --> 00:33:16,195 Let's hide it. 470 00:33:16,435 --> 00:33:17,914 What? 471 00:33:17,915 --> 00:33:20,714 The Internet. 472 00:33:20,715 --> 00:33:23,994 Oh... 473 00:33:23,995 --> 00:33:27,995 Because we told you that was the Internet? 474 00:33:28,435 --> 00:33:30,234 Yes. 475 00:33:30,235 --> 00:33:34,235 We never told you it wasn't the Internet? 476 00:33:34,675 --> 00:33:36,234 No. 477 00:33:36,235 --> 00:33:39,434 Well, the thing is, Jen... 478 00:33:39,435 --> 00:33:42,154 that's not the Internet. 479 00:33:42,155 --> 00:33:46,155 What's Jen doing with the Internet? 480 00:33:46,235 --> 00:33:50,114 We're not doing that. Oh... 481 00:33:50,115 --> 00:33:53,114 Cricket! 482 00:33:53,115 --> 00:33:55,514 Right, don't be scared, yeah. 483 00:33:55,515 --> 00:33:57,394 We're all friends here. 484 00:33:57,395 --> 00:34:01,395 Tell Dougie your story? OK, but who is he again? 485 00:34:01,435 --> 00:34:04,754 I'm just your average social worker. 486 00:34:04,755 --> 00:34:07,834 Yes, just in the area having a look around. 487 00:34:07,835 --> 00:34:10,314 Please just pretend I'm not here. 488 00:34:10,315 --> 00:34:12,954 Do you ever have anyone come round and help you and stuff? 489 00:34:12,955 --> 00:34:15,674 Granddad, sometimes. He's hardly around. 490 00:34:15,675 --> 00:34:18,714 What about your dad? He's never around, either... 491 00:34:18,715 --> 00:34:21,714 Sorry, my friend, I need to stop you there. I must take this. 492 00:34:21,715 --> 00:34:23,194 Reynholm... 493 00:34:23,195 --> 00:34:26,394 What? Well, increase the bid. 494 00:34:26,395 --> 00:34:28,834 I don't care what I said the ceiling was. 495 00:34:28,835 --> 00:34:32,474 I want that artwork by Madonna. 496 00:34:32,475 --> 00:34:36,274 Now, 22 million is the minimum but I'm happy to go to 50. 497 00:34:36,275 --> 00:34:40,275 In fact, make 50 the new minimum. Yes, yes. 498 00:34:40,915 --> 00:34:43,074 I can't talk right now. 499 00:34:43,075 --> 00:34:47,075 I'm doing Secret Millionaire. 500 00:34:48,355 --> 00:34:49,674 That's very sad. 501 00:34:49,675 --> 00:34:53,474 Do you want to shut up, we're filming Secret Millionaire. 502 00:34:53,475 --> 00:34:54,800 Check your privilege. 503 00:34:56,008 --> 00:34:57,487 How am I finding it so far? 504 00:34:57,488 --> 00:35:00,767 To be honest with you, it's not as god-awful as I thought it would be. 505 00:35:00,768 --> 00:35:04,327 People have been terribly nice. They're actually quite clean. 506 00:35:04,328 --> 00:35:07,007 I have been invited to a party this evening. 507 00:35:07,008 --> 00:35:11,008 The last party I ever went to was when Elton John's dog had a baby. 508 00:35:16,408 --> 00:35:18,887 I tell a lie. The last party I went to was when 509 00:35:18,888 --> 00:35:21,127 Conrad Black got arrested. 510 00:35:21,128 --> 00:35:22,767 Conrad Black, who's that? 511 00:35:22,768 --> 00:35:25,847 Oh, no-one, just an old friend. Let's get in there. 512 00:35:25,848 --> 00:35:29,848 Yeah, sure. 513 00:35:33,288 --> 00:35:36,767 So I thought with Game Board's increased viewership, 514 00:35:36,768 --> 00:35:40,127 perhaps it would be a good place to put my side of the story and 515 00:35:40,128 --> 00:35:43,567 show the world I'm not the monster I'm currently supposed to be. 516 00:35:43,568 --> 00:35:45,687 Boo! Boo! 517 00:35:45,688 --> 00:35:46,967 Don't boo, please. 518 00:35:46,968 --> 00:35:50,968 That is a horrible T-shirt. 519 00:35:51,168 --> 00:35:54,727 So the question everyone is asking, Jen Barber, do you hate women? 520 00:35:54,728 --> 00:35:56,647 Oh... 521 00:35:56,648 --> 00:35:58,447 Thank you, Jen Barber. 522 00:35:58,448 --> 00:36:02,448 Coming up, what was it like to be a 14th-century grain merchant? 523 00:36:02,768 --> 00:36:05,807 Wait, I don't know if that was clear. Sorry, it's these trousers. 524 00:36:05,808 --> 00:36:09,808 They make me want to move onto the next item. It's better broadcasting and the slacks know it! 525 00:36:10,368 --> 00:36:14,368 Coming up. Will you stop saying, "Coming up". Next... I don't know if they got my point! 526 00:36:15,968 --> 00:36:17,767 Oh, gosh! 527 00:36:17,768 --> 00:36:19,367 Oh! 528 00:36:19,368 --> 00:36:21,007 Oh, gosh. 529 00:36:21,008 --> 00:36:23,527 Richmond, do you work here or not? 530 00:36:23,528 --> 00:36:26,927 I don't get paid, but I like to come in. 531 00:36:26,928 --> 00:36:30,367 So that Goth thing didn't work out? 532 00:36:30,368 --> 00:36:32,567 Does it look like it worked out? 533 00:36:32,568 --> 00:36:35,207 Anyway, how have you guys been? 534 00:36:35,208 --> 00:36:37,487 Everyone thinks I'm a misogynist. 535 00:36:37,488 --> 00:36:40,447 Roy lost his girlfriend because he's emotionally colour-blind 536 00:36:40,448 --> 00:36:43,767 and Moss is wearing trousers that make him good at telly. 537 00:36:43,768 --> 00:36:45,647 Any gossip? 538 00:36:45,648 --> 00:36:47,927 What's going on with you? 539 00:36:47,928 --> 00:36:51,928 Oh, you know, keeping busy, voice-over work mainly. 540 00:36:52,168 --> 00:36:53,847 Really, how did that happen? 541 00:36:53,848 --> 00:36:57,848 Someone just noticed I had a beautiful voice. 542 00:37:01,448 --> 00:37:02,807 Oh, Richmond. 543 00:37:02,808 --> 00:37:04,487 Things aren't going well at all. 544 00:37:04,488 --> 00:37:06,767 Just get in there. 545 00:37:06,768 --> 00:37:09,167 It's just not the same when you guys aren't together. 546 00:37:09,168 --> 00:37:13,168 Anyway, if you want me, you know where I am. 547 00:37:13,728 --> 00:37:15,607 I don't, though, Richmond. 548 00:37:15,608 --> 00:37:19,287 Don't... lurk! 549 00:37:19,288 --> 00:37:20,607 Where did he go? 550 00:37:20,608 --> 00:37:24,608 Where did who go? 551 00:37:27,568 --> 00:37:30,607 Does it ever seem to you that the things that happen to us 552 00:37:30,608 --> 00:37:32,647 are sort of... 553 00:37:32,648 --> 00:37:34,327 strange? 554 00:37:34,328 --> 00:37:36,447 How so, Roy? 555 00:37:36,448 --> 00:37:38,647 Well... 556 00:37:38,648 --> 00:37:41,447 remember when I had to pretend to be disabled 557 00:37:41,448 --> 00:37:44,607 and I ended up in Manchester? 558 00:37:44,608 --> 00:37:47,327 That wasn't a normal thing to happen, was it? 559 00:37:47,328 --> 00:37:51,328 Or when you ended up spending the night in that arcade machine. 560 00:37:51,888 --> 00:37:54,687 That was odd. 561 00:37:54,688 --> 00:37:57,327 I suppose those were unusual events. 562 00:37:57,328 --> 00:37:58,887 And this is strange. 563 00:37:58,888 --> 00:38:01,887 What's happening to us right now is strange, isn't it? 564 00:38:01,888 --> 00:38:04,247 Well, at least, it'll all be over soon. 565 00:38:04,248 --> 00:38:08,248 Douglas is bound to fire us when he gets back. 566 00:38:08,488 --> 00:38:10,047 Come on, guys, this isn't us. 567 00:38:10,048 --> 00:38:12,047 Are we just going to sit here and take it? 568 00:38:12,048 --> 00:38:14,407 What do we normally do when we get into a scrape? 569 00:38:14,408 --> 00:38:16,807 We normally make things worse and worse and then it ends. 570 00:38:16,808 --> 00:38:19,487 No, we don't. We stick together. That doesn't sound like us. 571 00:38:19,488 --> 00:38:22,327 OK, enough... Come on, who are we? 572 00:38:22,328 --> 00:38:24,287 Who are we? I want to hear you say it! 573 00:38:24,288 --> 00:38:27,047 We're the IT... We're the IT... ..Department. 574 00:38:27,048 --> 00:38:29,927 You're goddamn right we are! 575 00:38:29,928 --> 00:38:32,327 Are you wearing women's slacks? Yes, I am. 576 00:38:32,328 --> 00:38:33,994 This is exactly what I'm talking about. 577 00:38:44,388 --> 00:38:46,948 Let's get into a car and cruise around. 578 00:38:47,038 --> 00:38:51,038 How to get into a car? Smash a window. Great idea. 579 00:38:52,278 --> 00:38:55,218 That's the one. 580 00:38:55,222 --> 00:38:59,222 I'm such an idiot. I've got a robot hand. 581 00:39:03,035 --> 00:39:07,035 Hang on a second. This is MY car. 582 00:39:27,915 --> 00:39:30,794 Oh, shit. Wow-wow-wow. It's all right, everyone, be cool. 583 00:39:30,795 --> 00:39:34,795 I'll handle this. Take that. 584 00:39:47,075 --> 00:39:51,075 It's all right, Officer, I'm doing Secret Millionaire. 585 00:39:53,035 --> 00:39:56,314 Come on, come on, come on, people. What's going on? 586 00:39:56,315 --> 00:39:57,994 Come on, come on, come on, people. 587 00:39:57,995 --> 00:40:00,994 How long has he been wearing the trousers? He won't take them off. 588 00:40:00,995 --> 00:40:02,394 OK, come on, come on, come on... 589 00:40:02,395 --> 00:40:05,234 What's going on, what's going on? We don't know what's happening. 590 00:40:05,235 --> 00:40:07,514 OK, come on. To every problem, there's a solution. 591 00:40:07,515 --> 00:40:09,554 What's our problem here? What's our problem? 592 00:40:09,555 --> 00:40:13,555 Everyone thinks I'm a cow who hates women. You're a cow. 593 00:40:14,835 --> 00:40:18,835 Terrible cow. Women, OK. Roy, hurt me. 594 00:40:19,115 --> 00:40:21,874 Erm, the woman I love thinks that I hate small people. 595 00:40:21,875 --> 00:40:24,274 Small people, thank you, Roy. 596 00:40:24,275 --> 00:40:27,474 I'm probably going to die alone in front of computer pornography? 597 00:40:27,475 --> 00:40:31,475 I'll just draw a sad face. 598 00:40:34,595 --> 00:40:38,595 OK, so what do women and small people both like? 599 00:40:40,275 --> 00:40:44,275 What do they both like? Chairs. Films. I really don't know. 600 00:40:46,275 --> 00:40:49,794 I'll tell you. It's just they seem like very different groups. 601 00:40:49,795 --> 00:40:53,795 Very different groups. Not being attacked. 602 00:40:57,635 --> 00:41:01,114 They both love not being attacked. 603 00:41:01,115 --> 00:41:05,115 Well, I can't speak for small people, obviously, but as a woman, 604 00:41:05,235 --> 00:41:08,994 I certainly like not being attacked. Where are you going with this, Moss? 605 00:41:08,995 --> 00:41:11,314 I'll tell you exactly where I'm going with this, Roy. 606 00:41:11,315 --> 00:41:14,354 I'm saying that we use this brief window, while Douglas is away, 607 00:41:14,355 --> 00:41:18,194 to produce a pepper-spray solution for small women, 608 00:41:18,195 --> 00:41:20,354 using that stuff I gave Roy earlier. 609 00:41:20,355 --> 00:41:21,874 That sounds really weird. 610 00:41:21,875 --> 00:41:25,875 Jen Barber, not a hater of women but their defender, their champion. 611 00:41:26,275 --> 00:41:28,474 I love it now. 612 00:41:28,475 --> 00:41:31,154 And I can do a massive presentation. 613 00:41:31,155 --> 00:41:35,155 A self-defence pepper spray for small women suits my purposes also. 614 00:41:36,595 --> 00:41:40,595 It will show Alice that I care and, as a woman with small relatives, 615 00:41:41,195 --> 00:41:43,874 she's sure to come to Jen's presentation. 616 00:41:43,875 --> 00:41:47,234 You know, when I first stocked that mini-fridge with pepper-spray solution, 617 00:41:47,235 --> 00:41:51,235 I thought I'd made too much... but only now do I realise 618 00:41:52,515 --> 00:41:56,515 that I'd made exactly the right amount for our current purposes. 619 00:41:58,235 --> 00:42:01,874 It almost seems like it's too good an idea. 620 00:42:01,875 --> 00:42:05,875 You see what we can do when we work together? With my business acumen... 621 00:42:05,915 --> 00:42:09,915 My scientific know-how... And I'm also here... 622 00:42:11,475 --> 00:42:15,475 We can do anything! Yes! Yes! 623 00:42:15,835 --> 00:42:19,835 I need a trouser break. 624 00:42:26,284 --> 00:42:27,923 You coming, Roy? 625 00:42:27,924 --> 00:42:30,563 I can't seem to get the wording of this speech to Alice right. 626 00:42:30,564 --> 00:42:31,963 You're doing a speech? 627 00:42:31,964 --> 00:42:35,043 Yeah, I need to show her that I'm not emotionally colour-blind. 628 00:42:35,044 --> 00:42:39,044 I'm actually a very sensitive human man, and she needs to know that. 629 00:42:39,124 --> 00:42:43,124 Oooh, what's a more romantic word for "knockers"? 630 00:42:43,564 --> 00:42:46,163 A MORE romantic word? 631 00:42:46,164 --> 00:42:50,123 Come on, guys. Let's protect women! I'll meet you up there. Good luck. 632 00:42:50,124 --> 00:42:52,763 Thanks. 633 00:42:52,764 --> 00:42:55,923 Eartha Kitts! 634 00:42:55,924 --> 00:42:57,723 Right, is everything ready? 635 00:42:57,724 --> 00:42:59,323 Yeah, well, I've got the posters up 636 00:42:59,324 --> 00:43:02,203 and I've put gift bags with pepper spray beside each chair. 637 00:43:02,204 --> 00:43:04,843 Now, I think it was a master stroke to put the spray in these 638 00:43:04,844 --> 00:43:06,203 elegant bottles. 639 00:43:06,204 --> 00:43:09,163 Why not look stylish while you defend yourself? 640 00:43:09,164 --> 00:43:11,203 Something's bothering me, though. 641 00:43:11,204 --> 00:43:14,963 Are we missing something that's very obviously wrong with this idea? 642 00:43:14,964 --> 00:43:18,964 I really don't think so. Oh, look, here comes everyone. 643 00:43:21,684 --> 00:43:25,683 Hello, and welcome to this very special 644 00:43:25,684 --> 00:43:29,684 presentation for women by a woman, me a woman, who loves women. 645 00:43:30,484 --> 00:43:34,203 By your seats you'll find a gift bag, and in that gift bag 646 00:43:34,204 --> 00:43:36,643 you'll find our very exciting new product. 647 00:43:36,644 --> 00:43:39,004 No, don't do that. 648 00:43:40,844 --> 00:43:44,603 No, you're not supposed to... 649 00:43:44,604 --> 00:43:48,003 Yes! I have some things I have to say to you! 650 00:43:48,004 --> 00:43:51,403 No, I need to go. No, you are going nowhere. 651 00:43:51,404 --> 00:43:55,403 Now, I know in the past that you have accused me 652 00:43:55,404 --> 00:43:57,684 of being emotionally colour-blind. 653 00:43:58,844 --> 00:44:02,844 Shut up and listen. But now I've changed - my sight is perfect. 654 00:44:03,844 --> 00:44:05,963 Now I know what was wrong with the idea. 655 00:44:05,964 --> 00:44:09,964 With your sweet lips and, of course, your lovely bangers, 656 00:44:10,884 --> 00:44:13,083 I know you're the one for me. 657 00:44:13,084 --> 00:44:15,603 I'm in terrible pain. 658 00:44:15,604 --> 00:44:19,604 Me, too, Alice, me, too, but that ends now. It ends now. 659 00:44:27,284 --> 00:44:29,923 That could not have gone better. 660 00:44:29,924 --> 00:44:33,283 Oh, no, Roy, that didn't go well at all. 661 00:44:33,284 --> 00:44:37,284 Oh, right, because we're going to lose our jobs. 662 00:44:37,564 --> 00:44:40,443 Argh! 663 00:44:40,444 --> 00:44:41,643 Mr Reynholm... 664 00:44:41,644 --> 00:44:45,083 So, that's the thing. I gave the boy the can of lager, 665 00:44:45,084 --> 00:44:47,763 so technically I'm guilty of corrupting a minor. 666 00:44:47,764 --> 00:44:50,123 So it's the reason why I bought the tramp uniform 667 00:44:50,124 --> 00:44:53,163 and I've had to make myself scarce. 668 00:44:53,164 --> 00:44:57,083 So, you need somewhere to hide out? Yeah, somewhere off-piste. 669 00:44:57,084 --> 00:45:00,323 Somewhere where no-one will find you. Bottom of the world. 670 00:45:00,324 --> 00:45:03,043 You can use our office if you'd like. Whoo. 671 00:45:03,044 --> 00:45:05,643 Well, I'll need someone to take care of business upstairs. 672 00:45:05,644 --> 00:45:07,083 We're not doing anything. 673 00:45:07,084 --> 00:45:08,803 Well, this is perfect. 674 00:45:08,804 --> 00:45:12,803 My wonderful assistant, Joan, and her two friends, Ross. 675 00:45:12,804 --> 00:45:16,003 I'm going to go and piss around on the internet 676 00:45:16,004 --> 00:45:18,603 but actually I'll need some food. 677 00:45:18,604 --> 00:45:21,579 I've already eaten one of the toys in here. 678 00:45:21,958 --> 00:45:25,958 Did he just say what I think he said? I wasn't really listening. 679 00:45:26,438 --> 00:45:30,438 Is this... Is what's happening good now? Is this good? 680 00:45:32,438 --> 00:45:35,197 Yes, it's a very good outcome. Oh, my God! 681 00:45:35,198 --> 00:45:37,237 I think we've come out on top, I can't believe it. 682 00:45:37,238 --> 00:45:39,157 We've come out on top. 683 00:45:39,158 --> 00:45:40,917 'Jen Barber.' 684 00:45:40,918 --> 00:45:44,237 Oh, I forgot about you. Oh, God, that's impressive. 685 00:45:44,238 --> 00:45:48,238 They're actually watching us. Hey, mate, am I an anonymous? 686 00:45:49,238 --> 00:45:51,997 Silence, you person wasters. 687 00:45:51,998 --> 00:45:54,717 Greetings, Jen Barber. This is your sentence. 688 00:45:54,718 --> 00:45:58,597 You've been found guilty of the most appalling lack of basic human 689 00:45:58,598 --> 00:46:00,078 kindness and decency. 690 00:46:01,958 --> 00:46:03,597 Come in. 691 00:46:03,598 --> 00:46:07,598 Shush, you. Peter, what are you doing in there? Shut up! 692 00:46:08,478 --> 00:46:11,757 You've been there for hours. I'm doing something. Go away! 693 00:46:11,758 --> 00:46:15,758 Peter, your mum and I are worried about you. Get out. 694 00:46:16,318 --> 00:46:20,318 You need to get off this computer. Who is this? Are these your friends? 695 00:46:21,758 --> 00:46:24,557 I'm sorry. Peter can't play any more. He's coming outside. 696 00:46:24,558 --> 00:46:27,317 'You said I could stay here as long as I wanted.' 697 00:46:27,318 --> 00:46:29,118 We said that you had to come out. 698 00:46:33,358 --> 00:46:35,477 '..do my homework... 699 00:46:35,478 --> 00:46:39,478 'I've done my homework... 700 00:46:39,918 --> 00:46:41,918 'I know my rights...' 701 00:46:46,198 --> 00:46:48,757 This internet's not working. I can't connect. 702 00:46:48,758 --> 00:46:51,517 Just try turning it off and on again. 703 00:46:51,518 --> 00:46:55,518 Thanks, Ross. 704 00:47:14,758 --> 00:47:16,837 Reynholm Industries is changing. 705 00:47:16,838 --> 00:47:20,837 New opportunities, new faces, a new direction. 706 00:47:20,838 --> 00:47:23,677 A better workplace environment. 707 00:47:23,678 --> 00:47:27,678 Exciting new products. 708 00:47:28,198 --> 00:47:31,957 An inclusive hiring policy... I am sounding happy? 709 00:47:31,958 --> 00:47:35,197 Can you be a little bit more... Yeah, this is me being happy. 710 00:47:35,198 --> 00:47:38,357 Just be a bit more, I don't know... I'm being upbeat. 711 00:47:38,358 --> 00:47:41,438 No, I just want you to speak... Ah, forget it, let's just stop.