1
00:00:01,101 --> 00:00:03,001
SCHMIDT: Hey, Elizabeth,
what are we doing tonight?
Ripped By mstoll
2
00:00:03,203 --> 00:00:05,899
ELIZABETH [OVER PHONE]: Dexter and pie.
- Girl, you treat me right.
3
00:00:06,639 --> 00:00:09,699
Hey, there she is. My one and only.
4
00:00:11,478 --> 00:00:13,969
Oh, thank God, coffee.
I barely slept last night.
5
00:00:14,180 --> 00:00:17,843
Me too. I passed out for 25 minutes when
you jammed that sock down my throat.
6
00:00:18,051 --> 00:00:20,178
- I aim to please.
JESS: Aw.
7
00:00:20,387 --> 00:00:24,289
Hey, why don't we all go on a double date?
What are you guys doing tonight?
8
00:00:24,491 --> 00:00:25,753
- Tonight?
- Yeah.
9
00:00:25,959 --> 00:00:27,256
- Today's tonight?
- Yeah.
10
00:00:27,460 --> 00:00:30,361
- Tonight. Meaning changes every day.
JESS: Come on, Schmidt.
11
00:00:30,563 --> 00:00:34,363
- I'm sure he's got other plans, right?
- Plans? Me?
12
00:00:34,567 --> 00:00:37,968
- I don't have... I mean, yeah. Yeah.
- What the hell is going on?
13
00:00:38,171 --> 00:00:39,638
What?
14
00:00:40,807 --> 00:00:43,674
Dabba-dabba-dabba-double date!
15
00:00:43,877 --> 00:00:45,276
Rock... Rock 'n' roll.
16
00:00:45,779 --> 00:00:49,306
I don't think I understand the energy here,
but yeah, it sounds great.
17
00:00:49,516 --> 00:00:51,984
Hey, you wanna split that pasta
from last night? Hmm?
18
00:00:52,552 --> 00:00:56,318
[SINGING] Winston and Furguson
'Bout to split some pasta
19
00:00:56,523 --> 00:01:00,050
Ha, ha. Yeah, man.
You know I got love for you.
20
00:01:00,293 --> 00:01:02,227
Got nothing but love for you. Go ahead.
21
00:01:02,429 --> 00:01:04,795
Chill out, man, I'll make you some coffee.
22
00:01:07,100 --> 00:01:08,294
What?
23
00:01:08,501 --> 00:01:10,901
So, what are y'all talking about?
Going on dates?
24
00:01:12,672 --> 00:01:15,664
Oh, y'all were talking about that.
Oh, okay. Cool.
25
00:01:15,875 --> 00:01:17,365
Nobody invited me.
26
00:01:18,044 --> 00:01:20,239
Is it because I'm single?
27
00:01:20,447 --> 00:01:23,245
I mean, I know I'm single. I'm okay with it.
28
00:01:23,450 --> 00:01:27,181
It was a choice that I made.
As a man. To be alone.
29
00:01:27,387 --> 00:01:32,188
Don't nobody know you like you.
So I'm choosing to know myself. Who I am.
30
00:01:32,392 --> 00:01:34,724
And if that's okay with you all, can I come?
31
00:01:34,928 --> 00:01:37,396
- Where should we go?
- What about that new spot, Picca?
32
00:01:37,597 --> 00:01:39,030
A day-of rezzie at Picca?
33
00:01:39,232 --> 00:01:41,257
You guys don't think I can do it, huh?
34
00:01:41,468 --> 00:01:42,992
Well, funk that.
35
00:01:43,203 --> 00:01:45,330
Bishop could get a table at a chair store.
36
00:01:45,538 --> 00:01:48,029
Well that's it, then. Double date, plus one.
37
00:01:48,241 --> 00:01:51,677
You know what would be nuts?
If I brought my cat, Furguson, as a date.
38
00:01:51,878 --> 00:01:53,368
Ah, don't do that.
39
00:01:55,615 --> 00:01:58,015
[SINGING]
Hey, girl
40
00:01:58,218 --> 00:02:01,085
What you doing?
41
00:02:01,287 --> 00:02:03,118
Hey, girl
42
00:02:03,323 --> 00:02:05,917
Where you going?
43
00:02:06,126 --> 00:02:08,560
- Who's that girl?
CHORUS: Who's that girl?
44
00:02:08,761 --> 00:02:10,820
- Who's that girl?
CHORUS: Who's that girl?
45
00:02:11,030 --> 00:02:12,861
It's Jess
46
00:02:15,268 --> 00:02:16,292
[NICK WHISTLES]
47
00:02:16,936 --> 00:02:18,597
Hey, listen.
48
00:02:18,805 --> 00:02:22,206
What is that sound?
It sounds like a gravel driveway in there.
49
00:02:22,408 --> 00:02:26,606
Seventh grade. Pumping my fist too hard
at a Weird Al show.
50
00:02:26,813 --> 00:02:27,905
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
51
00:02:28,114 --> 00:02:30,582
- Go away.
- Hey, Jess, can you talk? Oh.
52
00:02:30,783 --> 00:02:33,616
Yeah, totally. How'd I get so lucky?
My bro and my ho.
53
00:02:33,887 --> 00:02:35,787
My baby's... It's gonna be exposed.
54
00:02:35,989 --> 00:02:37,786
- Calm down.
- I don't feel comfortable.
55
00:02:37,991 --> 00:02:40,221
- It's about Schmidt.
- I'm not involved in this.
56
00:02:40,426 --> 00:02:43,122
Hiding from the world.
You can't see me, I can't see you.
57
00:02:43,329 --> 00:02:46,890
I know this sounds totally paranoid,
but I think he's on drugs.
58
00:02:47,100 --> 00:02:48,931
Schmidt on drugs?
59
00:02:49,135 --> 00:02:51,933
Okay, not getting involved, starting now.
60
00:02:52,138 --> 00:02:55,005
You remember how hard he took it
when Lance got busted.
61
00:02:55,208 --> 00:02:58,905
- He stared at that yellow bracelet and cried.
- I know you're right, but...
62
00:02:59,112 --> 00:03:00,136
You're coming in?
63
00:03:00,346 --> 00:03:02,678
It's just think he's had this
crazy energy lately.
64
00:03:02,916 --> 00:03:06,352
Did you see how insane he was when
we were talking about the double date?
65
00:03:06,553 --> 00:03:09,454
Also, he's just, like, stopped blinking.
Is that whip-its?
66
00:03:09,656 --> 00:03:12,352
- Nick can talk to him.
- I called that I wasn't involved.
67
00:03:12,559 --> 00:03:15,995
- Calls have to be respected.
- Lf you talk to him, I'll give you a treat.
68
00:03:16,196 --> 00:03:17,686
Bedroom treat or kitchen treat?
69
00:03:17,931 --> 00:03:23,301
[IN SOUTHERN ACCENT] Oh, I'm just a country
lawyer and I have a very, very itchy bra.
70
00:03:23,503 --> 00:03:26,666
[IN SOUTHERN ACCENT] Well, perhaps
I can get underneath. I've got workers' hands.
71
00:03:26,940 --> 00:03:30,432
It's very itchy
in so many different little places.
72
00:03:30,643 --> 00:03:32,634
Let me see.
73
00:03:32,845 --> 00:03:34,073
You guys are really gross.
74
00:03:34,280 --> 00:03:35,804
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
I keep forgetting you're in here.
75
00:03:36,015 --> 00:03:39,212
I think you made a good point.
Maybe he's just really into me.
76
00:03:39,452 --> 00:03:43,980
I mean, he has stepped up his bed game
a lot. It is so not about him anymore.
77
00:03:44,190 --> 00:03:46,988
Disgusting. Let me know
when that treat's gonna happen.
78
00:03:47,193 --> 00:03:50,026
Sorry, but I'm gonna stand up
and you're gonna see my penis.
79
00:03:50,230 --> 00:03:51,993
And when I walk out,
you're gonna see my butt.
80
00:03:52,198 --> 00:03:53,722
- Let's do this.
CECE: Oh.
81
00:03:56,469 --> 00:03:59,905
Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me.
82
00:04:00,106 --> 00:04:01,630
Sorry.
83
00:04:04,711 --> 00:04:07,976
Yeah, so that's glass.
That ain't no mint.
84
00:04:08,982 --> 00:04:13,214
Nope, definitely glass, and I swallowed that.
So you should consider a sign.
85
00:04:13,419 --> 00:04:15,717
- Do you have a reservation?
- Funny you would ask.
86
00:04:15,922 --> 00:04:18,891
I tried to call like 20 times
and I couldn't get through.
87
00:04:19,092 --> 00:04:22,892
Uh, I'm looking for a reservation for tonight,
around 8 p.m. Like, five people.
88
00:04:23,096 --> 00:04:25,587
- I have an 8:30...
- Uh, kind of had our hearts set on 8.
89
00:04:25,798 --> 00:04:27,857
...seven weeks from now.
- Wait, what? What?
90
00:04:28,067 --> 00:04:31,594
No, no, no. Look, there's gotta be
something that you can do.
91
00:04:31,804 --> 00:04:34,238
You could try your luck
at the community table.
92
00:04:35,108 --> 00:04:37,042
Community...? Hell no. Listen. Ahem.
93
00:04:37,243 --> 00:04:40,508
Sorry, you don't understand,
this has to be an official reservation.
94
00:04:41,414 --> 00:04:43,177
- No.
- I'll tell you what.
95
00:04:43,383 --> 00:04:46,750
Maybe this will change...
96
00:04:46,953 --> 00:04:49,922
...your mind.
97
00:04:54,427 --> 00:04:55,894
"I owe you $100."
98
00:04:56,095 --> 00:04:58,620
Oh, hell no. No, that...
99
00:04:58,831 --> 00:05:00,298
That was supposed to be a 10.
100
00:05:07,940 --> 00:05:09,737
You got there faster than I thought.
101
00:05:09,942 --> 00:05:12,740
So this is weird,
and it'll only take a second of your time.
102
00:05:12,945 --> 00:05:15,812
And I probably already know the answer,
but are you on drugs?
103
00:05:16,049 --> 00:05:18,244
I know the answer is no,
so I'll see you later.
104
00:05:18,451 --> 00:05:21,215
- No, I don't wanna be part of it...
- Get in my room.
105
00:05:22,288 --> 00:05:24,153
Did you crack my e-mail password?
106
00:05:24,357 --> 00:05:27,758
- How did you guess "smithereens"?
- Are you really on drugs? Talk to me.
107
00:05:27,960 --> 00:05:29,086
I'm in way over my head.
108
00:05:29,295 --> 00:05:31,559
- I'm doing something terrible.
- What is it, man?
109
00:05:31,764 --> 00:05:34,426
- You're gonna get mad at me.
- I'm your best friend.
110
00:05:34,634 --> 00:05:38,468
Okay? I was there for you when you fell off
the deck at Chester's graduation...
111
00:05:39,138 --> 00:05:40,127
I'm with Schmidt.
112
00:05:40,340 --> 00:05:41,329
[ALL LAUGHING]
113
00:05:41,541 --> 00:05:42,667
Oh, no.
114
00:05:42,975 --> 00:05:46,638
- And I'm here for you now. There's nothing
you could say I'd get mad at.
115
00:05:46,846 --> 00:05:49,815
Okay. Okay. Um, I can do this.
116
00:05:51,150 --> 00:05:54,916
Know how I broke up with Elizabeth
so that I could start dating Cece again?
117
00:05:55,121 --> 00:05:58,784
- Absolutely. It was really hard for you.
- That actually never happened.
118
00:05:59,225 --> 00:06:00,249
What do you mean?
119
00:06:00,727 --> 00:06:02,661
I'm still dating Elizabeth.
120
00:06:02,862 --> 00:06:03,851
What do you mean?
121
00:06:04,097 --> 00:06:06,657
I'm dating both. Neither one knows.
I feel terrible.
122
00:06:06,866 --> 00:06:08,834
But Elizabeth is gone.
123
00:06:09,035 --> 00:06:10,468
- What do you mean?
- Not gone.
124
00:06:10,670 --> 00:06:12,433
- You broke up with Cece...?
- I didn't.
125
00:06:13,306 --> 00:06:16,798
- What do you mean?
- You process this however you need to.
126
00:06:17,009 --> 00:06:18,271
- Which are you dating?
- Both.
127
00:06:18,478 --> 00:06:19,843
- Are you dating Cece?
- I am.
128
00:06:20,046 --> 00:06:21,274
- Are you dating Elizabeth?
- Yes.
129
00:06:21,481 --> 00:06:22,709
- How?
- They made me choose.
130
00:06:22,915 --> 00:06:25,281
You have to choose.
You can't have both women.
131
00:06:25,485 --> 00:06:28,545
- What was I supposed to do?
- Think you can have a bunch of wives?
132
00:06:28,755 --> 00:06:30,052
You get one wife!
133
00:06:30,256 --> 00:06:32,315
- This is the way the world works!
- Why?
134
00:06:32,525 --> 00:06:35,517
- I don't know.
- I feel terrible. I don't know what to do.
135
00:06:35,728 --> 00:06:40,222
- How could you do this with Jess' friend?
- I don't know! I feel really badly about it!
136
00:06:41,000 --> 00:06:44,458
In your little brain,
how do you see this ending?
137
00:06:44,670 --> 00:06:47,969
I see it ending badly.
I see it ending very, very badly.
138
00:06:48,174 --> 00:06:50,108
But you know what? I just...
139
00:06:50,676 --> 00:06:53,645
I wanna thank you, though.
Just for being there for me.
140
00:06:53,846 --> 00:06:55,177
- No.
- And for listening.
141
00:06:55,748 --> 00:06:58,546
- Now we're in this together.
- We're not. I'm not listening.
142
00:06:58,751 --> 00:07:00,878
I'm not being there.
Stop telling me things!
143
00:07:01,087 --> 00:07:05,023
- What would you like me to do with this?
- It helped me to tell you. Tell somebody.
144
00:07:05,224 --> 00:07:07,852
- Get it off your chest. Know what I mean?
- Who?
145
00:07:08,060 --> 00:07:09,493
- Certainly not Jess.
- Aah.
146
00:07:09,695 --> 00:07:12,528
Don't ever tell Jess.
The one person you can't tell is Jess.
147
00:07:14,801 --> 00:07:16,200
Hello, Picca?
148
00:07:16,402 --> 00:07:18,199
Yes, I need a table for five.
149
00:07:18,404 --> 00:07:20,872
This is author Toni Morrison.
150
00:07:21,073 --> 00:07:23,098
I am? Oh, yeah?
151
00:07:23,309 --> 00:07:25,675
Well, I think you're a woman. Hello?
152
00:07:25,878 --> 00:07:29,370
Okay, here's what it is. Just lie to her, Nick.
Heh. It's in a relationship.
153
00:07:29,582 --> 00:07:33,245
Men and women lie all the time.
It's what makes marriages work. Just lie...
154
00:07:33,453 --> 00:07:35,114
Ah. You can lie.
155
00:07:35,321 --> 00:07:37,016
Yes, I talked to Schmidt.
156
00:07:37,223 --> 00:07:41,057
Don't act like an alien.
Just lie to a woman. It's...
157
00:07:41,828 --> 00:07:43,056
Yeah, I talked to Schmidt.
158
00:07:43,262 --> 00:07:45,287
- It's fine. It's not a big deal.
JESS: Hey, Nick.
159
00:07:45,498 --> 00:07:47,762
How was your day?
160
00:07:48,301 --> 00:07:50,769
NICK:
Nothing harmed... There's no harm, so...
161
00:07:50,970 --> 00:07:52,699
Why are you wearing a helmet?
162
00:07:53,573 --> 00:07:56,440
Oh. Hi.
163
00:07:57,710 --> 00:08:00,975
Don't tease me, Nick.
Are we finally gonna do no-kiss sex?
164
00:08:02,748 --> 00:08:04,375
Yes.
165
00:08:10,857 --> 00:08:13,121
Sorry about that.
166
00:08:13,860 --> 00:08:17,125
Look at us. Community table.
167
00:08:17,330 --> 00:08:19,958
Like a little community. Ha, ha.
168
00:08:32,845 --> 00:08:34,142
Mm-hm.
169
00:08:37,116 --> 00:08:39,346
Call that seat. That's my seat.
170
00:08:39,552 --> 00:08:40,541
WOMAN 1: Come on.
WOMAN 2: Yeah.
171
00:08:40,753 --> 00:08:42,414
Oh, no. Where y'all going?
172
00:08:42,622 --> 00:08:46,581
Dibs on those seats. I got dibs on that.
Put that right there for me?
173
00:08:47,627 --> 00:08:51,654
- That was amazing.
- You know so many Spaceballs quotes.
174
00:08:51,864 --> 00:08:54,526
- They jam the radar with literal jam. Ha, ha.
- Ha, ha.
175
00:08:55,535 --> 00:08:57,765
Oh, hey, did you ever talk to Schmidt?
176
00:09:00,540 --> 00:09:01,666
What's going on, Nick?
177
00:09:03,175 --> 00:09:05,769
Schmidt! Hey!
178
00:09:05,978 --> 00:09:09,277
My best friend?
You Long Island street trash!
179
00:09:09,482 --> 00:09:13,111
- Damn it, Nick, you told her?
- No, he didn't tell me. I happened upon it.
180
00:09:13,319 --> 00:09:14,843
Where, in the town square?
181
00:09:15,054 --> 00:09:17,386
I never wanted to be involved.
You're so pretty.
182
00:09:17,590 --> 00:09:19,524
Put your fricking visor down.
183
00:09:19,725 --> 00:09:24,685
Now you, you're gonna tell Cece, or I will,
you... You crumb bum!
184
00:09:24,897 --> 00:09:26,865
- You crumb bum!
- Yes. Well said.
185
00:09:27,066 --> 00:09:28,624
- You're a lowlife.
- I get it.
186
00:09:28,834 --> 00:09:31,166
- How could you do this to her?
- I am so sorry.
187
00:09:31,370 --> 00:09:33,838
NICK: I made up a dance
so everyone will be happy.
188
00:09:37,076 --> 00:09:40,477
Cece's gonna walk through that door
any minute. Tell her the truth.
189
00:09:40,680 --> 00:09:42,045
Please, this would wreck her.
190
00:09:42,248 --> 00:09:45,479
I'm begging you. You don't believe me,
but I do care about her.
191
00:09:45,685 --> 00:09:48,176
Either you tell her, or I will, Schmidt.
192
00:09:48,688 --> 00:09:50,383
[NICK GRUNTING]
193
00:09:54,126 --> 00:09:55,821
You're right.
194
00:09:56,929 --> 00:09:58,055
I'll tell her.
195
00:10:00,766 --> 00:10:02,097
[NICK MIMICS EXPLOSION]
196
00:10:04,136 --> 00:10:07,731
Yo, what it be? Double-date night.
197
00:10:08,240 --> 00:10:09,832
What's, uh...? What's going on?
198
00:10:10,977 --> 00:10:12,911
Tell her.
199
00:10:13,779 --> 00:10:16,839
- Tell her.
- Okay. Okay.
200
00:10:19,552 --> 00:10:22,020
We're taking two cars, it's faster.
No phones.
201
00:10:22,221 --> 00:10:23,916
- What?
- I got the door, it's okay.
202
00:10:24,123 --> 00:10:25,522
BOTH:
Go!
203
00:10:29,161 --> 00:10:32,130
- Cigarette. Phone call. Bathroom.
- Okay.
204
00:10:37,903 --> 00:10:39,871
You're clearly alone. We need this table.
205
00:10:40,072 --> 00:10:42,597
So, what do you think?
That over the past two hours...
206
00:10:42,808 --> 00:10:45,868
...I, as a single person,
have ordered eight separate entrees...
207
00:10:46,078 --> 00:10:48,945
...and have taken bites of different sizes
of each of them...
208
00:10:49,148 --> 00:10:51,412
...to create some sort
of pointless illusion?
209
00:10:51,617 --> 00:10:54,609
Do you know how insane you sound?
210
00:10:55,521 --> 00:10:58,388
God, I hate this job.
211
00:11:00,326 --> 00:11:02,954
- You need to slow down.
- I got it, don't worry.
212
00:11:03,162 --> 00:11:05,926
What's going on? You guys were acting
so weird back there.
213
00:11:06,132 --> 00:11:08,225
And you're driving like a maniac.
214
00:11:08,467 --> 00:11:12,460
- I didn't wanna have to say anything, but...
- What?
215
00:11:12,938 --> 00:11:15,771
Here we go. Nick is cheating on Jess. Aah!
216
00:11:15,975 --> 00:11:18,944
- What?
- Apparently they met at some gas station.
217
00:11:19,145 --> 00:11:22,512
She's much older. Much, much older.
Deeply Korean.
218
00:11:22,715 --> 00:11:25,650
I just found out.
I mean, Nick is my best friend and all...
219
00:11:25,851 --> 00:11:28,843
...but I can't be in the same room
as that scumbag right now.
220
00:11:29,055 --> 00:11:33,355
I'm so mad. I'm just so, so mad.
I'm terribly angry about the whole situation.
221
00:11:33,559 --> 00:11:35,254
I can't even drive. Take the wheel.
222
00:11:35,461 --> 00:11:37,486
Oh, why, God? He was the best of us!
223
00:11:37,697 --> 00:11:40,097
- Cece, please, you're veering everywhere.
- Sorry.
224
00:11:40,766 --> 00:11:43,667
JESS:
Oh. Nick, go. Go, we're gonna lose them.
225
00:11:43,869 --> 00:11:45,700
You're nerd-stopping at every sign.
226
00:11:45,938 --> 00:11:48,498
If I get another ticket,
they're gonna make me wear eyeglasses.
227
00:11:48,708 --> 00:11:50,767
Why didn't you get involved back there?
228
00:11:50,976 --> 00:11:53,945
Look, here's the reality.
Yes, Schmidt is my best friend.
229
00:11:54,146 --> 00:11:57,843
- And he's also really scary.
- You are so afraid of everything.
230
00:11:58,050 --> 00:12:01,486
Would a man afraid of everything
put his finger in a cigarette lighter?
231
00:12:01,687 --> 00:12:04,178
- Don't do that, that's stupid.
- I'm not gonna.
232
00:12:04,390 --> 00:12:05,379
You wimp. Aah!
233
00:12:05,591 --> 00:12:06,615
Oh, my gosh!
234
00:12:06,826 --> 00:12:08,191
- Oh, God!
- Jess, are you okay?
235
00:12:08,394 --> 00:12:09,986
- It really hurts.
- Oh, my lord.
236
00:12:10,196 --> 00:12:11,788
- It's so hot.
- Are you okay?
237
00:12:11,997 --> 00:12:12,986
- Yeah.
- Are you okay?
238
00:12:13,199 --> 00:12:15,167
Looks, I'm gonna do it... Ow!
239
00:12:15,401 --> 00:12:18,461
- Why did you do that?
- So we're both in the same amount of pain.
240
00:12:18,671 --> 00:12:21,231
I'm gonnajunk-punch him.
Turn the car around.
241
00:12:21,474 --> 00:12:22,668
Why? That seems rash.
242
00:12:22,875 --> 00:12:25,173
Maybe... I don't know,
staying away for a while.
243
00:12:25,377 --> 00:12:27,743
Or at least talking about it.
Hearing his side.
244
00:12:27,980 --> 00:12:31,746
Cheating is selfish and it is cowardly,
and there is no excuse for it.
245
00:12:32,351 --> 00:12:35,684
The only thing that you can do
is punch it in the junk.
246
00:12:35,888 --> 00:12:38,652
Or understand it emotionally
from their point of view.
247
00:12:38,858 --> 00:12:41,520
- Maybe they had a tough childhood.
- Turn the car around.
248
00:12:41,727 --> 00:12:44,821
- Maybe their mom's a lesbian, I don't know.
- Turn the car around.
249
00:12:45,030 --> 00:12:47,760
Let's do it. Let's turn the car around.
Let's go to Picca.
250
00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:50,560
- I'm gonna turn the car around...
- Turn the car around.
251
00:12:50,770 --> 00:12:53,568
...as soon as I turn the car around.
- Now.
252
00:12:54,540 --> 00:12:57,008
SCHMIDT: As soon as I turn this car around.
CECE: Turn the car.
253
00:12:57,209 --> 00:12:59,439
- Let's go.
- I'm turning the car around.
254
00:12:59,645 --> 00:13:00,907
Double date, here we come.
255
00:13:01,747 --> 00:13:03,237
- What is he doing?
- I don't know.
256
00:13:03,449 --> 00:13:05,110
JESS:
Looks like he lost a wing.
257
00:13:07,953 --> 00:13:09,716
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
258
00:13:17,029 --> 00:13:19,589
Hey, Jess. Yeah, fourth message.
259
00:13:19,799 --> 00:13:23,428
Just a friendly time update, 8:13.
260
00:13:23,636 --> 00:13:25,604
Hope to God
you guys aren't bailing on me.
261
00:13:25,805 --> 00:13:28,706
Or maybe you just lost track of time
being couples. Ha, ha!
262
00:13:29,108 --> 00:13:30,905
Hit me back. Winnie the Bish.
263
00:13:43,656 --> 00:13:45,453
We're never gonna find this restaurant.
264
00:13:45,658 --> 00:13:46,647
BOTH:
There it is.
265
00:13:46,859 --> 00:13:48,121
[TIRES SQUEALING]
266
00:13:54,166 --> 00:13:56,532
Welcome. Can I have your car, sir?
267
00:13:57,036 --> 00:13:58,264
Oh.
268
00:13:59,338 --> 00:14:00,430
Sir?
269
00:14:02,007 --> 00:14:03,440
Sir?
270
00:14:05,945 --> 00:14:07,242
Sir?
271
00:14:08,848 --> 00:14:10,509
I'm on the phone.
272
00:14:10,716 --> 00:14:12,877
All right, time's up.
You gotta get out of here.
273
00:14:13,085 --> 00:14:18,113
Ah. That's my friend. That's my friend, see?
See? I told y'all. I got friends. Everybody.
274
00:14:18,324 --> 00:14:19,484
[PATRONS APPLAUDING]
275
00:14:20,159 --> 00:14:22,320
- That's my friend.
- Where the hell is Nick?
276
00:14:22,528 --> 00:14:23,790
How did I beat him here?
277
00:14:24,029 --> 00:14:26,520
That was the slowest ride
of my entire life.
278
00:14:26,732 --> 00:14:29,599
Literally, my grandmother
drives faster than that.
279
00:14:30,803 --> 00:14:32,270
Look, she's my best friend.
280
00:14:32,471 --> 00:14:35,099
Schmidt is mine.
That's why I didn't wanna get involved.
281
00:14:35,307 --> 00:14:38,333
Well, when someone I love gets hurt,
I get involved.
282
00:14:46,518 --> 00:14:47,507
Sir.
283
00:14:51,624 --> 00:14:53,387
What's up, big cat?
284
00:14:53,626 --> 00:14:54,888
MAN:
Sir?
285
00:14:55,127 --> 00:14:57,220
You gotta go in there
and you gotta face her.
286
00:14:57,429 --> 00:15:00,227
Look, it's not about Cece.
This is about the $12 valet.
287
00:15:00,432 --> 00:15:02,332
It's $12 to...?
288
00:15:02,534 --> 00:15:05,162
One sec. It's self-park!
289
00:15:05,371 --> 00:15:08,340
The maroon car, self-park!
290
00:15:09,775 --> 00:15:12,505
That's an excessive amount of money.
291
00:15:13,078 --> 00:15:17,412
- I didn't mean for any of this to happen.
- Look, I know you didn't, okay?
292
00:15:17,650 --> 00:15:20,881
But now it's time you do the right thing,
Schmidt.
293
00:15:22,788 --> 00:15:26,747
- I can't go in there.
- Well, I can't let Jess tell her.
294
00:15:29,028 --> 00:15:31,656
MAN:
Hello? Open the door.
295
00:15:31,897 --> 00:15:35,663
- Wait. Cece. I have something to tell you.
- I have something to tell you.
296
00:15:35,868 --> 00:15:39,235
No. I have something I need to tell you. Aah!
297
00:15:39,438 --> 00:15:43,067
- Oh, my God. What are you doing, Cece?
- Why did you do that?
298
00:15:44,610 --> 00:15:45,702
- Aah!
- Cece.
299
00:15:45,911 --> 00:15:48,243
- She nipped a corner.
- Wait, Cece...
300
00:15:48,480 --> 00:15:51,506
Okay. Cece, he's not...
301
00:15:53,953 --> 00:15:56,012
I lied to you.
302
00:15:58,290 --> 00:16:00,918
I've been cheating on you with Elizabeth.
303
00:16:13,339 --> 00:16:19,039
I hate to do this right now,
but if we don't sit, we will lose this table.
304
00:16:23,749 --> 00:16:25,444
SCHMIDT:
Cece, I'm sorry.
305
00:16:25,651 --> 00:16:28,643
I don't... I just... Heh.
306
00:16:29,755 --> 00:16:33,088
Is there someplace maybe
we could, uh, go talk?
307
00:16:33,292 --> 00:16:36,591
Everybody knows anyway, Schmidt.
Might as well just say it.
308
00:16:36,795 --> 00:16:39,127
No, let's talk... Let's... This should be fine.
309
00:16:41,166 --> 00:16:42,599
I didn't wanna hurt you.
310
00:16:43,635 --> 00:16:45,933
You have to know that.
I did not wanna hurt you.
311
00:16:46,138 --> 00:16:49,107
Please, I'm begging you.
If you take anything away from this...
312
00:16:49,308 --> 00:16:52,766
...know that I did not want to hurt you.
I didn't wanna hurt anyone.
313
00:16:52,978 --> 00:16:55,105
Especially you.
314
00:16:55,314 --> 00:16:58,477
You have no idea what you mean to me.
315
00:16:58,684 --> 00:17:01,152
And I got caught up in this thing, and...
316
00:17:02,888 --> 00:17:05,448
I used to be so fat.
317
00:17:05,758 --> 00:17:07,589
I mean, like...
318
00:17:07,793 --> 00:17:09,988
...truly gigantic.
319
00:17:11,196 --> 00:17:14,131
I mean, as big... As big as it gets.
320
00:17:14,333 --> 00:17:18,861
And now I'm not, and girls like me,
and I don't...
321
00:17:19,071 --> 00:17:20,868
I don't know how to do this.
322
00:17:22,074 --> 00:17:24,440
I got lost.
323
00:17:25,144 --> 00:17:26,805
And I'm sorry.
324
00:17:27,379 --> 00:17:29,438
You're sorry?
325
00:17:29,982 --> 00:17:32,974
You didn't wanna hurt anybody?
That's the best you can do?
326
00:17:33,185 --> 00:17:34,982
Really?
327
00:17:37,489 --> 00:17:38,615
I don't know...
328
00:17:38,824 --> 00:17:40,758
I don't know you.
329
00:17:44,029 --> 00:17:45,860
Goodbye, Schmidt.
330
00:18:01,346 --> 00:18:04,406
Just realizing
that I don't have any cash on me.
331
00:18:05,818 --> 00:18:10,482
If anyone would be willing to loan me
$12 for the valet, that would be...
332
00:18:10,689 --> 00:18:12,816
...greatly appreciated.
333
00:18:15,060 --> 00:18:18,052
Cece still hasn't called me.
Test my phone again.
334
00:18:18,263 --> 00:18:20,731
I can't, I don't have any more minutes.
335
00:18:20,933 --> 00:18:24,391
Minutes, Nick?
Who still has minutes on their phone?
336
00:18:24,603 --> 00:18:26,867
I bought 10,000 in 1999
and I'm still using them.
337
00:18:27,072 --> 00:18:30,508
I'm sorry, I just...
I really wanna be there for her.
338
00:18:30,709 --> 00:18:34,543
You are. Okay?
And she'll call because she needs you.
339
00:18:35,380 --> 00:18:36,745
[SCOFFS]
340
00:18:36,949 --> 00:18:39,747
This is a real buttmunch
of a situation we're in.
341
00:18:39,952 --> 00:18:41,010
Yeah.
342
00:18:41,487 --> 00:18:45,014
Look, I'm here for you.
343
00:18:45,224 --> 00:18:49,854
There is nothing I know more than the fact
that I wanna be with you, Jess.
344
00:18:50,062 --> 00:18:51,427
Okay?
345
00:18:59,171 --> 00:19:00,900
Unless we're driving.
346
00:19:01,106 --> 00:19:03,131
You admitted to driving
while legally blind.
347
00:19:03,375 --> 00:19:06,469
You're the worst passenger,
telling me what to do the entire time.
348
00:19:06,678 --> 00:19:09,306
- Legally blind.
- Whoever has the wheel controls the car.
349
00:19:09,515 --> 00:19:10,607
ELIZABETH:
You liar!
350
00:19:11,316 --> 00:19:13,250
Here's your pie.
351
00:19:20,959 --> 00:19:23,086
You broke my heart.
352
00:19:23,295 --> 00:19:24,956
Mail me my mouth guard.
353
00:19:28,066 --> 00:19:29,397
[DOOR SLAMS]
354
00:19:30,102 --> 00:19:32,969
In case you were wondering
if Cece had Elizabeth's number...
355
00:19:33,172 --> 00:19:34,161
...she does.
356
00:19:34,406 --> 00:19:37,375
So tough time in Schmidtsburg,
wouldn't you say?
357
00:19:37,776 --> 00:19:42,304
Just a quick heads up.
Nick, Jess, I blame you for this whole thing.
358
00:19:42,514 --> 00:19:45,312
- You can't seriously...
- I was going to fix it.
359
00:19:47,052 --> 00:19:48,519
I wasn't going to hurt anyone.
360
00:19:48,720 --> 00:19:51,518
But since you took it upon yourself
to hurt both of them...
361
00:19:51,723 --> 00:19:55,352
...should it take the rest of my life,
I'm going to break the two of you up.
362
00:19:55,561 --> 00:19:58,086
- Bring it, Schmidt.
- Impossible, we're really strong.
363
00:19:58,297 --> 00:20:01,824
It'll be when you least expect it,
which might be when you most expect it.
364
00:20:02,034 --> 00:20:05,765
Could be when you're watching the movie
What to Expect When You're Expecting.
365
00:20:05,971 --> 00:20:07,700
Regardless...
366
00:20:07,940 --> 00:20:11,432
...I am coming...
367
00:20:11,643 --> 00:20:13,406
...for you.
368
00:20:16,582 --> 00:20:18,516
God, Schmidt is so scary.
You were right.
369
00:20:18,717 --> 00:20:21,845
We have to talk about the things
he could use to pull us apart.
370
00:20:22,054 --> 00:20:23,146
- Okay.
- Okay, politics.
371
00:20:23,355 --> 00:20:25,789
- You're a Democrat, I never vote.
- I'm Green Party.
372
00:20:25,991 --> 00:20:27,618
- Oh, that is so annoying.
- Okay.
373
00:20:27,826 --> 00:20:31,193
I have been banned for my lifetime
from Lake Ontario. Don't ask.
374
00:20:31,396 --> 00:20:33,660
- Okay. What else do you have?
- My fear of pears.
375
00:20:34,333 --> 00:20:35,698
Okay, you're afraid of pears.
376
00:20:35,901 --> 00:20:38,665
- And pear-shaped people.
- That's interesting.
377
00:20:38,870 --> 00:20:41,498
I'm not convinced I know how to read.
I memorize words.
378
00:20:41,707 --> 00:20:45,404
- Doctors say I might grow another 18 inches.
- That's a different image of you.
379
00:20:45,611 --> 00:20:48,307
I'm gonna get past that. I'm past it.
The moon landing...
380
00:20:48,513 --> 00:20:51,311
...which is obviously fake...
- No, it's not obviously fake.
381
00:20:51,516 --> 00:20:54,485
- That's actually not what I was...
- The moon landing's not fake.
382
00:20:54,686 --> 00:20:56,347
- The shadows are off.
- They're not.
383
00:20:56,555 --> 00:21:00,855
I looked at photos on the Internet.
The shadows are off. The shadows are off.
384
00:21:01,059 --> 00:21:03,391
- Those photos are Photoshopped.
- That's not true.
385
00:21:03,595 --> 00:21:06,189
- People do that as ajoke.
- Oh, you can use Photoshop.
386
00:21:06,398 --> 00:21:07,831
Wait a minute.
387
00:21:08,033 --> 00:21:10,831
He's doing it already.
He's getting in our heads.
388
00:21:11,036 --> 00:21:13,197
- Unbelievable. Good call.
- Okay, this is good.
389
00:21:13,405 --> 00:21:15,373
- I totally agree.
- Keep going. Okay...
390
00:21:15,574 --> 00:21:19,101
...I kind of wanna get a gun.
- I'm sexually attracted to ladybugs.
391
00:21:20,145 --> 00:21:21,840
Okay.
392
00:21:23,882 --> 00:21:27,682
I prefer the Kilborn Daily Show.
I think it's the best one. I know that you're...
393
00:21:27,886 --> 00:21:30,252
- It's not.
- Yes it is. He's very charming.
394
00:21:30,455 --> 00:21:32,355
I'm weirdly good at volleyball.
395
00:21:32,591 --> 00:21:34,388
I believe horses are from outer space.
396
00:21:34,593 --> 00:21:36,855
- I believe that too.
- Good.
Ripped By mstoll