SCHMIDT: Hey, Elizabeth, what are we doing tonight? Ripped By mstoll
ELIZABETH [OVER PHONE]: Dexter and pie. - Girl, you treat me right.
Hey, there she is. My one and only.
Oh, thank God, coffee. I barely slept last night.
Me too. I passed out for 25 minutes when you jammed that sock down my throat.
- I aim to please. JESS: Aw.
Hey, why don't we all go on a double date? What are you guys doing tonight?
- Tonight? - Yeah.
- Today's tonight? - Yeah.
- Tonight. Meaning changes every day. JESS: Come on, Schmidt.
- I'm sure he's got other plans, right? - Plans? Me?
- I don't have... I mean, yeah. Yeah. - What the hell is going on?
What?
Dabba-dabba-dabba-double date!
Rock... Rock 'n' roll.
I don't think I understand the energy here, but yeah, it sounds great.
Hey, you wanna split that pasta from last night? Hmm?
[SINGING] Winston and Furguson 'Bout to split some pasta
Ha, ha. Yeah, man. You know I got love for you.
Got nothing but love for you. Go ahead.
Chill out, man, I'll make you some coffee.
What?
So, what are y'all talking about? Going on dates?
Oh, y'all were talking about that. Oh, okay. Cool.
Nobody invited me.
Is it because I'm single?
I mean, I know I'm single. I'm okay with it.
It was a choice that I made. As a man. To be alone.
Don't nobody know you like you. So I'm choosing to know myself. Who I am.
And if that's okay with you all, can I come?
- Where should we go? - What about that new spot, Picca?
A day-of rezzie at Picca?
You guys don't think I can do it, huh?
Well, funk that.
Bishop could get a table at a chair store.
Well that's it, then. Double date, plus one.
You know what would be nuts? If I brought my cat, Furguson, as a date.
Ah, don't do that.
[SINGING] Hey, girl
What you doing?
Hey, girl
Where you going?
- Who's that girl? CHORUS: Who's that girl?
It's Jess
[NICK WHISTLES]
Hey, listen.
What is that sound? It sounds like a gravel driveway in there.
Seventh grade. Pumping my fist too hard at a Weird Al show.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
- Go away. - Hey, Jess, can you talk? Oh.
Yeah, totally. How'd I get so lucky? My bro and my ho.
My baby's... It's gonna be exposed.
- Calm down. - I don't feel comfortable.
- It's about Schmidt. - I'm not involved in this.
Hiding from the world. You can't see me, I can't see you.
I know this sounds totally paranoid, but I think he's on drugs.
Schmidt on drugs?
Okay, not getting involved, starting now.
You remember how hard he took it when Lance got busted.
- He stared at that yellow bracelet and cried. - I know you're right, but...
You're coming in?
It's just think he's had this crazy energy lately.
Did you see how insane he was when we were talking about the double date?
Also, he's just, like, stopped blinking. Is that whip-its?
- Nick can talk to him. - I called that I wasn't involved.
- Calls have to be respected. - Lf you talk to him, I'll give you a treat.
Bedroom treat or kitchen treat?
[IN SOUTHERN ACCENT] Oh, I'm just a country lawyer and I have a very, very itchy bra.
[IN SOUTHERN ACCENT] Well, perhaps I can get underneath. I've got workers' hands.
It's very itchy in so many different little places.
Let me see.
You guys are really gross.
[IN NORMAL VOICE] I keep forgetting you're in here.
I think you made a good point. Maybe he's just really into me.
I mean, he has stepped up his bed game a lot. It is so not about him anymore.
Disgusting. Let me know when that treat's gonna happen.
Sorry, but I'm gonna stand up and you're gonna see my penis.
And when I walk out, you're gonna see my butt.
- Let's do this. CECE: Oh.
Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me.
Sorry.
Yeah, so that's glass. That ain't no mint.
Nope, definitely glass, and I swallowed that. So you should consider a sign.
- Do you have a reservation? - Funny you would ask.
I tried to call like 20 times and I couldn't get through.
Uh, I'm looking for a reservation for tonight, around 8 p.m. Like, five people.
- I have an 8:30... - Uh, kind of had our hearts set on 8.
...seven weeks from now. - Wait, what? What?
No, no, no. Look, there's gotta be something that you can do.
You could try your luck at the community table.
Community...? Hell no. Listen. Ahem.
Sorry, you don't understand, this has to be an official reservation.
- No. - I'll tell you what.
Maybe this will change...
...your mind.
"I owe you $100."
Oh, hell no. No, that...
That was supposed to be a 10.
You got there faster than I thought.
So this is weird, and it'll only take a second of your time.
And I probably already know the answer, but are you on drugs?
I know the answer is no, so I'll see you later.
- No, I don't wanna be part of it... - Get in my room.
Did you crack my e-mail password?
- How did you guess "smithereens"? - Are you really on drugs? Talk to me.
I'm in way over my head.
- I'm doing something terrible. - What is it, man?
- You're gonna get mad at me. - I'm your best friend.
Okay? I was there for you when you fell off the deck at Chester's graduation...
I'm with Schmidt.
[ALL LAUGHING]
Oh, no.
- And I'm here for you now. There's nothing you could say I'd get mad at.
Okay. Okay. Um, I can do this.
Know how I broke up with Elizabeth so that I could start dating Cece again?
- Absolutely. It was really hard for you. - That actually never happened.
What do you mean?
I'm still dating Elizabeth.
What do you mean?
I'm dating both. Neither one knows. I feel terrible.
But Elizabeth is gone.
- What do you mean? - Not gone.
- You broke up with Cece...? - I didn't.
- What do you mean? - You process this however you need to.
- Which are you dating? - Both.
- Are you dating Cece? - I am.
- Are you dating Elizabeth? - Yes.
- How? - They made me choose.
You have to choose. You can't have both women.
- What was I supposed to do? - Think you can have a bunch of wives?
You get one wife!
- This is the way the world works! - Why?
- I don't know. - I feel terrible. I don't know what to do.
- How could you do this with Jess' friend? - I don't know! I feel really badly about it!
In your little brain, how do you see this ending?
I see it ending badly. I see it ending very, very badly.
But you know what? I just...
I wanna thank you, though. Just for being there for me.
- No. - And for listening.
- Now we're in this together. - We're not. I'm not listening.
I'm not being there. Stop telling me things!
- What would you like me to do with this? - It helped me to tell you. Tell somebody.
- Get it off your chest. Know what I mean? - Who?
- Certainly not Jess. - Aah.
Don't ever tell Jess. The one person you can't tell is Jess.
Hello, Picca?
Yes, I need a table for five.
This is author Toni Morrison.
I am? Oh, yeah?
Well, I think you're a woman. Hello?
Okay, here's what it is. Just lie to her, Nick. Heh. It's in a relationship.
Men and women lie all the time. It's what makes marriages work. Just lie...
Ah. You can lie.
Yes, I talked to Schmidt.
Don't act like an alien. Just lie to a woman. It's...
Yeah, I talked to Schmidt.
- It's fine. It's not a big deal. JESS: Hey, Nick.
How was your day?
NICK: Nothing harmed... There's no harm, so...
Why are you wearing a helmet?
Oh. Hi.
Don't tease me, Nick. Are we finally gonna do no-kiss sex?
Yes.
Sorry about that.
Look at us. Community table.
Like a little community. Ha, ha.
Mm-hm.
Call that seat. That's my seat.
WOMAN 1: Come on. WOMAN 2: Yeah.
Oh, no. Where y'all going?
Dibs on those seats. I got dibs on that. Put that right there for me?
- That was amazing. - You know so many Spaceballs quotes.
- They jam the radar with literal jam. Ha, ha. - Ha, ha.
Oh, hey, did you ever talk to Schmidt?
What's going on, Nick?
Schmidt! Hey!
My best friend? You Long Island street trash!
- Damn it, Nick, you told her? - No, he didn't tell me. I happened upon it.
Where, in the town square?
I never wanted to be involved. You're so pretty.
Put your fricking visor down.
Now you, you're gonna tell Cece, or I will, you... You crumb bum!
- You crumb bum! - Yes. Well said.
- You're a lowlife. - I get it.
- How could you do this to her? - I am so sorry.
NICK: I made up a dance so everyone will be happy.
Cece's gonna walk through that door any minute. Tell her the truth.
Please, this would wreck her.
I'm begging you. You don't believe me, but I do care about her.
Either you tell her, or I will, Schmidt.
[NICK GRUNTING]
You're right.
I'll tell her.
[NICK MIMICS EXPLOSION]
Yo, what it be? Double-date night.
What's, uh...? What's going on?
Tell her.
- Tell her. - Okay. Okay.
We're taking two cars, it's faster. No phones.
- What? - I got the door, it's okay.
BOTH: Go!
- Cigarette. Phone call. Bathroom. - Okay.
You're clearly alone. We need this table.
So, what do you think? That over the past two hours...
...I, as a single person, have ordered eight separate entrees...
...and have taken bites of different sizes of each of them...
...to create some sort of pointless illusion?
Do you know how insane you sound?
God, I hate this job.
- You need to slow down. - I got it, don't worry.
What's going on? You guys were acting so weird back there.
And you're driving like a maniac.
- I didn't wanna have to say anything, but... - What?
Here we go. Nick is cheating on Jess. Aah!
- What? - Apparently they met at some gas station.
She's much older. Much, much older. Deeply Korean.
I just found out. I mean, Nick is my best friend and all...
...but I can't be in the same room as that scumbag right now.
I'm so mad. I'm just so, so mad. I'm terribly angry about the whole situation.
I can't even drive. Take the wheel.
Oh, why, God? He was the best of us!
- Cece, please, you're veering everywhere. - Sorry.
JESS: Oh. Nick, go. Go, we're gonna lose them.
You're nerd-stopping at every sign.
If I get another ticket, they're gonna make me wear eyeglasses.
Why didn't you get involved back there?
Look, here's the reality. Yes, Schmidt is my best friend.
- And he's also really scary. - You are so afraid of everything.
Would a man afraid of everything put his finger in a cigarette lighter?
- Don't do that, that's stupid. - I'm not gonna.
You wimp. Aah!
Oh, my gosh!
- Oh, God! - Jess, are you okay?
- It really hurts. - Oh, my lord.
- It's so hot. - Are you okay?
- Yeah. - Are you okay?
Looks, I'm gonna do it... Ow!
- Why did you do that? - So we're both in the same amount of pain.
I'm gonnajunk-punch him. Turn the car around.
Why? That seems rash.
Maybe... I don't know, staying away for a while.
Or at least talking about it. Hearing his side.
Cheating is selfish and it is cowardly, and there is no excuse for it.
The only thing that you can do is punch it in the junk.
Or understand it emotionally from their point of view.
- Maybe they had a tough childhood. - Turn the car around.
- Maybe their mom's a lesbian, I don't know. - Turn the car around.
Let's do it. Let's turn the car around. Let's go to Picca.
- I'm gonna turn the car around... - Turn the car around.
...as soon as I turn the car around. - Now.
SCHMIDT: As soon as I turn this car around. CECE: Turn the car.
- Let's go. - I'm turning the car around.
Double date, here we come.
- What is he doing? - I don't know.
JESS: Looks like he lost a wing.
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
Hey, Jess. Yeah, fourth message.
Just a friendly time update, 8:13.
Hope to God you guys aren't bailing on me.
Or maybe you just lost track of time being couples. Ha, ha!
Hit me back. Winnie the Bish.
We're never gonna find this restaurant.
BOTH: There it is.
[TIRES SQUEALING]
Welcome. Can I have your car, sir?
Oh.
Sir?
I'm on the phone.
All right, time's up. You gotta get out of here.
Ah. That's my friend. That's my friend, see? See? I told y'all. I got friends. Everybody.
[PATRONS APPLAUDING]
- That's my friend. - Where the hell is Nick?
How did I beat him here?
That was the slowest ride of my entire life.
Literally, my grandmother drives faster than that.
Look, she's my best friend.
Schmidt is mine. That's why I didn't wanna get involved.
Well, when someone I love gets hurt, I get involved.
Sir.
What's up, big cat?
MAN: Sir?
You gotta go in there and you gotta face her.
Look, it's not about Cece. This is about the $12 valet.
It's $12 to...?
One sec. It's self-park!
The maroon car, self-park!
That's an excessive amount of money.
- I didn't mean for any of this to happen. - Look, I know you didn't, okay?
But now it's time you do the right thing, Schmidt.
- I can't go in there. - Well, I can't let Jess tell her.
MAN: Hello? Open the door.
- Wait. Cece. I have something to tell you. - I have something to tell you.
No. I have something I need to tell you. Aah!
- Oh, my God. What are you doing, Cece? - Why did you do that?
- Aah! - Cece.
- She nipped a corner. - Wait, Cece...
Okay. Cece, he's not...
I lied to you.
I've been cheating on you with Elizabeth.
I hate to do this right now, but if we don't sit, we will lose this table.
SCHMIDT: Cece, I'm sorry.
I don't... I just... Heh.
Is there someplace maybe we could, uh, go talk?
Everybody knows anyway, Schmidt. Might as well just say it.
No, let's talk... Let's... This should be fine.
I didn't wanna hurt you.
You have to know that. I did not wanna hurt you.
Please, I'm begging you. If you take anything away from this...
...know that I did not want to hurt you. I didn't wanna hurt anyone.
Especially you.
You have no idea what you mean to me.
And I got caught up in this thing, and...
I used to be so fat.
I mean, like...
...truly gigantic.
I mean, as big... As big as it gets.
And now I'm not, and girls like me, and I don't...
I don't know how to do this.
I got lost.
And I'm sorry.
You're sorry?
You didn't wanna hurt anybody? That's the best you can do?
Really?
I don't know...
I don't know you.
Goodbye, Schmidt.
Just realizing that I don't have any cash on me.
If anyone would be willing to loan me $12 for the valet, that would be...
...greatly appreciated.
Cece still hasn't called me. Test my phone again.
I can't, I don't have any more minutes.
Minutes, Nick? Who still has minutes on their phone?
I bought 10,000 in 1999 and I'm still using them.
I'm sorry, I just... I really wanna be there for her.
You are. Okay? And she'll call because she needs you.
[SCOFFS]
This is a real buttmunch of a situation we're in.
Yeah.
Look, I'm here for you.
There is nothing I know more than the fact that I wanna be with you, Jess.
Okay?
Unless we're driving.
You admitted to driving while legally blind.
You're the worst passenger, telling me what to do the entire time.
- Legally blind. - Whoever has the wheel controls the car.
ELIZABETH: You liar!
Here's your pie.
You broke my heart.
Mail me my mouth guard.
[DOOR SLAMS]
In case you were wondering if Cece had Elizabeth's number...
...she does.
So tough time in Schmidtsburg, wouldn't you say?
Just a quick heads up. Nick, Jess, I blame you for this whole thing.
- You can't seriously... - I was going to fix it.
I wasn't going to hurt anyone.
But since you took it upon yourself to hurt both of them...
...should it take the rest of my life, I'm going to break the two of you up.
- Bring it, Schmidt. - Impossible, we're really strong.
It'll be when you least expect it, which might be when you most expect it.
Could be when you're watching the movie What to Expect When You're Expecting.
Regardless...
...I am coming...
...for you.
God, Schmidt is so scary. You were right.
We have to talk about the things he could use to pull us apart.
- Okay. - Okay, politics.
- You're a Democrat, I never vote. - I'm Green Party.
- Oh, that is so annoying. - Okay.
I have been banned for my lifetime from Lake Ontario. Don't ask.
- Okay. What else do you have? - My fear of pears.
Okay, you're afraid of pears.
- And pear-shaped people. - That's interesting.
I'm not convinced I know how to read. I memorize words.
- Doctors say I might grow another 18 inches. - That's a different image of you.
I'm gonna get past that. I'm past it. The moon landing...
...which is obviously fake... - No, it's not obviously fake.
- That's actually not what I was... - The moon landing's not fake.
- The shadows are off. - They're not.
I looked at photos on the Internet. The shadows are off. The shadows are off.
- Those photos are Photoshopped. - That's not true.
- People do that as ajoke. - Oh, you can use Photoshop.
Wait a minute.
He's doing it already. He's getting in our heads.
- Unbelievable. Good call. - Okay, this is good.
- I totally agree. - Keep going. Okay...
...I kind of wanna get a gun. - I'm sexually attracted to ladybugs.
Okay.
I prefer the Kilborn Daily Show. I think it's the best one. I know that you're...
- It's not. - Yes it is. He's very charming.
I'm weirdly good at volleyball.
I believe horses are from outer space.
- I believe that too. - Good. Ripped By mstoll