1
00:00:17,601 --> 00:00:19,756
SCHMIDT: Hey, Elizabeth,
what are we doing tonight?
2
00:00:19,798 --> 00:00:21,114
ELIZABETH (over phone):
Dexter and pie.
3
00:00:21,148 --> 00:00:22,876
SCHMIDT: Girl, you
treat me right.
4
00:00:23,245 --> 00:00:26,136
Hey, there she is,
my one and only.
5
00:00:27,669 --> 00:00:30,526
Oh, thank God, coffee. I
barely slept last night.
6
00:00:30,548 --> 00:00:31,595
Yeah, me, too.
7
00:00:31,662 --> 00:00:34,592
I think I passed out for, like, 25 minutes
when you jammed that sock down my throat.
8
00:00:34,624 --> 00:00:36,593
- I aim to please.
- JESS: Aw...
9
00:00:36,617 --> 00:00:38,647
Hey, why don't we all go on a double date?
10
00:00:38,683 --> 00:00:40,952
- What are you guys doing tonight?
- Yeah.
11
00:00:41,155 --> 00:00:42,687
- Tonight?
- Yeah.
12
00:00:42,717 --> 00:00:44,098
- Today's tonight?
- Yeah.
13
00:00:44,127 --> 00:00:46,250
Tonight... meaning changes
every day, doesn't it?
14
00:00:46,275 --> 00:00:48,138
- JESS: Come on, Schmidt.
- I'm sure he's got other plans.
15
00:00:48,151 --> 00:00:51,045
- You've got other plans, right?
- Plans? Not me.
16
00:00:51,085 --> 00:00:53,127
I don't even... I mean... Yeah!
17
00:00:53,158 --> 00:00:56,030
- What the hell is going on?
- What?
18
00:00:57,290 --> 00:01:00,425
♪ Double-double-double-double date! ♪
19
00:01:00,584 --> 00:01:02,151
Rock, rock and roll.
20
00:01:02,449 --> 00:01:04,605
I don't think I exactly
understand the energy here,
21
00:01:04,617 --> 00:01:05,966
but yeah, I mean,
it sounds great.
22
00:01:06,002 --> 00:01:08,722
Hey, you want to split that
pasta from last night, hmm?
23
00:01:09,096 --> 00:01:13,063
♪ Winston and Furguson 'bout
to split some pasta. ♪
24
00:01:13,096 --> 00:01:14,063
(laughs)
25
00:01:14,104 --> 00:01:16,804
Yeah, man, you know I
got "wuv" for you.
26
00:01:16,974 --> 00:01:18,472
Got nothing but love for you.
27
00:01:18,497 --> 00:01:20,883
Go ahead, chill out, man,
I'll make you some coffee.
28
00:01:23,797 --> 00:01:24,890
What?
29
00:01:24,990 --> 00:01:27,750
So what are y'all talking
about, going on dates?
30
00:01:29,062 --> 00:01:32,003
Oh, y'all are talking about that.
Okay, cool.
31
00:01:32,528 --> 00:01:34,229
Nobody invited me.
32
00:01:34,844 --> 00:01:36,363
Is it 'cause I'm single?
33
00:01:37,069 --> 00:01:39,433
I mean, I... I know I'm single.
I'm okay with it.
34
00:01:39,452 --> 00:01:41,602
It was a choice that I made...
35
00:01:41,957 --> 00:01:43,524
as a man...
36
00:01:43,549 --> 00:01:45,668
to be alone. Don't nobody
know you like you,
37
00:01:45,682 --> 00:01:49,035
so I'm... I'm choosing
to know myself, who I am.
38
00:01:49,123 --> 00:01:51,379
And if that's okay with
you all, can I come?
39
00:01:51,407 --> 00:01:52,907
All right, where should
we go tonight, you guys?
40
00:01:52,917 --> 00:01:54,114
What about that new spot Picca?
41
00:01:54,138 --> 00:01:57,338
- A day-of rezzie at Picca?
- You guys don't think I can do it, huh?
42
00:01:57,469 --> 00:01:59,464
Well, funk that.
43
00:01:59,782 --> 00:02:02,137
Bishop can get a table
at a chair store.
44
00:02:02,161 --> 00:02:03,335
JESS: Well, that's it, then.
45
00:02:03,365 --> 00:02:06,123
- Double date plus one!
- You know what would be nuts?
46
00:02:06,284 --> 00:02:08,267
If I brought my cat Furguson as a date.
47
00:02:08,291 --> 00:02:10,025
Ah, don't do that.
48
00:02:12,110 --> 00:02:14,425
♪ Hey, girl ♪
49
00:02:14,834 --> 00:02:17,348
♪ What you doing? ♪
50
00:02:17,645 --> 00:02:19,967
♪ Hey, girl ♪
51
00:02:20,312 --> 00:02:22,477
♪ Where you going? ♪
52
00:02:22,515 --> 00:02:25,240
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
53
00:02:25,253 --> 00:02:26,711
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
54
00:02:26,753 --> 00:02:28,653
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
♪ It's Jess. ♪
55
00:02:28,685 --> 00:02:32,940
- synced and corrected by chamallow -
- www.addic7ed.com -
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther
56
00:02:33,602 --> 00:02:34,602
Hey, listen.
57
00:02:34,637 --> 00:02:35,665
(quiet crackling)
58
00:02:35,695 --> 00:02:37,033
What is that sound?
59
00:02:37,070 --> 00:02:39,071
Sounds like a gravel driveway in there.
60
00:02:39,102 --> 00:02:40,665
Seventh grade.
61
00:02:40,903 --> 00:02:43,538
Pumping my fist too
hard at a Weird Al show.
62
00:02:43,584 --> 00:02:44,721
(knocking at door)
63
00:02:44,754 --> 00:02:45,640
Go away!
64
00:02:45,657 --> 00:02:46,989
Hey, Jess, can you talk? Oh.
65
00:02:47,020 --> 00:02:49,175
Yeah, yeah, totally.
How'd I get so lucky?
66
00:02:49,194 --> 00:02:50,388
My bro and my ho.
67
00:02:50,402 --> 00:02:52,102
My penis... it's
gonna be exposed.
68
00:02:52,113 --> 00:02:53,194
It's okay, just cover up.
69
00:02:53,207 --> 00:02:55,163
- Okay, no, but I don't feel comfortable.
- It's about Schmidt.
70
00:02:55,179 --> 00:02:58,302
Okay, I'm not involved in this at all.
Hiding from the world.
71
00:02:58,321 --> 00:02:59,832
You can't see me, I can't see you.
72
00:02:59,857 --> 00:03:03,609
I know this sounds totally paranoid,
but I think he's on drugs.
73
00:03:03,633 --> 00:03:05,730
(laughing): Schmidt on drugs?
74
00:03:05,768 --> 00:03:08,643
Okay, not getting
involved starting now.
75
00:03:08,658 --> 00:03:09,709
JESS: I'm with Nick here.
76
00:03:09,723 --> 00:03:11,958
You remember how hard he took
it when Lance got busted.
77
00:03:11,983 --> 00:03:14,031
He just stared at that
yellow bracelet and cried.
78
00:03:14,055 --> 00:03:15,662
I know you're right, but...
79
00:03:15,681 --> 00:03:19,272
- You're coming in? - ... It's just like
he's had this crazy energy lately.
80
00:03:19,296 --> 00:03:22,463
And did you see how insane he was when
we were talking about the double date?
81
00:03:22,489 --> 00:03:25,220
Also, he has just, like,
stopped blinking.
82
00:03:25,342 --> 00:03:27,117
- Is that whippits?
- Well, Nick can talk to him.
83
00:03:27,141 --> 00:03:28,238
No, I'm not gonna talk to him.
84
00:03:28,250 --> 00:03:30,567
I called that I wasn't gonna be involved;
those calls have to be respected.
85
00:03:30,580 --> 00:03:32,881
If you talk to him,
I'll give you a treat.
86
00:03:32,934 --> 00:03:34,568
Bedroom treat or kitchen treat?
87
00:03:34,597 --> 00:03:37,165
(Southern accent): Oh,
I'm just a country lawyer
88
00:03:37,200 --> 00:03:39,911
and I have a very,
very itchy bra.
89
00:03:39,946 --> 00:03:41,754
(Southern accent): Well,
perhaps I can get underneath.
90
00:03:41,773 --> 00:03:43,487
I've got worker's hands.
91
00:03:43,505 --> 00:03:47,364
JESS: It's very itchy in so
many different little places.
92
00:03:47,379 --> 00:03:49,172
- Let me see.
- (both laugh)
93
00:03:49,197 --> 00:03:51,010
You guys are being really,
really gross right now.
94
00:03:51,034 --> 00:03:53,603
- I keep forgetting you're in here.
- I think you made a really good point.
95
00:03:53,621 --> 00:03:56,024
Maybe he is just,
like, really into me.
96
00:03:56,049 --> 00:03:59,425
I mean, he has, like, stepped
up his bed game a lot.
97
00:03:59,450 --> 00:04:01,065
It is so not about him anymore.
98
00:04:01,083 --> 00:04:03,888
That's disgusting. Let me know
when that treat's gonna happen.
99
00:04:03,900 --> 00:04:05,965
And, Cece, I'm sorry about
this, but I'm gonna stand up
100
00:04:05,983 --> 00:04:08,380
and you're gonna see my penis, and when
I walk out, you're gonna see my butt.
101
00:04:08,404 --> 00:04:09,873
Let's do this.
102
00:04:09,905 --> 00:04:10,905
Oh.
103
00:04:12,698 --> 00:04:16,791
Ah, excuse me, excuse
me, excuse me.
104
00:04:16,816 --> 00:04:18,349
Sorry.
105
00:04:21,380 --> 00:04:22,899
Yeah, so that's glass.
106
00:04:22,969 --> 00:04:24,903
That ain't no mint.
107
00:04:25,589 --> 00:04:26,445
Nope.
108
00:04:26,461 --> 00:04:29,734
Definitely glass, and I swallowed that,
so you should consider, uh, a sign.
109
00:04:29,758 --> 00:04:32,352
- Do you have a reservation? - You know,
it's funny that you would ask that because,
110
00:04:32,377 --> 00:04:35,397
you know, I tried to call, like, 20
times, and I couldn't get through,
111
00:04:35,420 --> 00:04:38,372
but, uh, I'm looking for a reservation
for tonight around 8:00 p.m.
112
00:04:38,391 --> 00:04:39,766
Let's say, like, five people.
113
00:04:39,791 --> 00:04:42,218
- I have an 8:30.
- Ah, kind of had our heart set on 8:00.
114
00:04:42,243 --> 00:04:45,444
- Seven weeks from now.
- Wait, what, what? No, n-n-n-n-no.
115
00:04:45,456 --> 00:04:48,135
Look, there's got to be
something that you can do.
116
00:04:48,154 --> 00:04:51,050
Well, you could try your
luck at the community table.
117
00:04:51,946 --> 00:04:54,704
Community... hell, no. Listen,
um, sorry, you don't understand.
118
00:04:54,729 --> 00:04:57,535
This has to be an
official reservation.
119
00:04:58,049 --> 00:04:59,223
No.
120
00:04:59,353 --> 00:05:01,586
I'll tell you what,
maybe this will
121
00:05:01,617 --> 00:05:03,392
change...
122
00:05:03,592 --> 00:05:05,798
your mind.
123
00:05:11,106 --> 00:05:12,832
"I owe you a hundred dollars."
124
00:05:12,857 --> 00:05:15,172
Oh, hell no. No, that...
125
00:05:15,533 --> 00:05:17,635
that was supposed to be a ten.
126
00:05:17,801 --> 00:05:19,324
(sighs)
127
00:05:24,294 --> 00:05:26,070
Whoa, you got there
faster than I thought.
128
00:05:26,107 --> 00:05:29,538
Hey, so this is weird and it's only gonna
take a second of your time, but, uh...
129
00:05:29,551 --> 00:05:32,385
and I probably already know the
answer, but are you on drugs?
130
00:05:32,679 --> 00:05:34,876
I know the answer is no, so
I'll just see you later, man.
131
00:05:34,900 --> 00:05:37,044
- Get in my room.
- Don't want to be part of it!
132
00:05:38,582 --> 00:05:40,416
Did you crack my
e-mail password?
133
00:05:41,081 --> 00:05:42,343
How did you guess "Smithereens"?
134
00:05:42,368 --> 00:05:44,866
Are you really on drugs?
Talk to me, Schmidt.
135
00:05:44,878 --> 00:05:47,091
I'm in way over my head, Nick,
I'm doing something terrible.
136
00:05:47,112 --> 00:05:48,568
Well, what is it, man?
137
00:05:48,607 --> 00:05:51,307
- You're going to get mad at me.
- I'm your best friend.
138
00:05:51,325 --> 00:05:54,935
Okay, I was there for you when you fell
off the deck at Chester's graduation.
139
00:05:55,001 --> 00:05:57,058
(laughter, excited chatter)
140
00:05:58,110 --> 00:05:59,414
Oh, no.
141
00:05:59,420 --> 00:06:01,020
And I'm here for you now.
142
00:06:01,066 --> 00:06:03,447
There's nothing you could
say that I'd get mad at.
143
00:06:03,485 --> 00:06:06,742
O... okay, um, I can do this.
144
00:06:07,682 --> 00:06:11,526
Do you know how I broke up with Elizabeth
so that I could start dating Cece again?
145
00:06:11,532 --> 00:06:13,020
Absolutely, and it was really hard for you.
146
00:06:13,032 --> 00:06:15,070
Yeah, that actually never happened.
147
00:06:15,939 --> 00:06:17,345
What do you mean?
148
00:06:17,381 --> 00:06:19,182
I'm still dating Elizabeth.
149
00:06:19,635 --> 00:06:20,885
What do you mean?
150
00:06:20,898 --> 00:06:22,698
I'm dating both of them, and
neither one of them knows it,
151
00:06:22,734 --> 00:06:25,269
- and I feel terrible about it.
- But Elizabeth is gone.
152
00:06:25,759 --> 00:06:27,121
- What do you mean?
- She's not gone.
153
00:06:27,145 --> 00:06:28,171
So you broke up with Cece...
154
00:06:28,196 --> 00:06:30,015
I didn't break up with
either one of them.
155
00:06:30,040 --> 00:06:32,346
- What do you mean? - You process this
however you need to process it.
156
00:06:32,358 --> 00:06:34,447
- If you want to keep talking it out...
- Which one are you dating?
157
00:06:34,472 --> 00:06:35,778
- Both.
- Are you dating Cece?
158
00:06:35,793 --> 00:06:37,431
- I'm dating Cece.
- Are you dating Elizabeth?
159
00:06:37,456 --> 00:06:38,519
- Yes.
- How do you do that?
160
00:06:38,537 --> 00:06:40,707
- They made me choose.
- You have to choose.
161
00:06:40,875 --> 00:06:42,663
- You can't have both women.
- What was I supposed to do?
162
00:06:42,687 --> 00:06:44,818
What, you think you can
have a bunch of wives?!
163
00:06:45,140 --> 00:06:46,472
You got one wife!
164
00:06:46,511 --> 00:06:48,030
This is the way the world works!
165
00:06:48,049 --> 00:06:50,102
- Why?!
- I don't know.
166
00:06:50,127 --> 00:06:52,400
I feel terrible about this,
I don't know what to do.
167
00:06:52,581 --> 00:06:54,244
How could you do this
with Jess's best friend?
168
00:06:54,269 --> 00:06:56,392
I don't know, I feel
really badly about it!
169
00:06:57,645 --> 00:06:59,675
In your little brain,
170
00:06:59,775 --> 00:07:02,477
- how do you see this ending?
- I see it ending badly.
171
00:07:02,499 --> 00:07:04,870
I see it ending very, very badly.
172
00:07:04,888 --> 00:07:06,476
But you know what? I just...
173
00:07:06,507 --> 00:07:07,518
(chuckles)
174
00:07:07,561 --> 00:07:08,811
I want to thank you, though,
175
00:07:08,826 --> 00:07:10,557
- just for being there for me...
- No.
176
00:07:10,573 --> 00:07:12,248
- and for listening to me. - I'm not
listening to you and I'm not there for you.
177
00:07:12,272 --> 00:07:14,075
- Because now we're in this together.
- We're not in this together
178
00:07:14,106 --> 00:07:17,913
and I'm not listening and I'm not being
there, so just stop telling me things!
179
00:07:17,938 --> 00:07:20,757
- What would you like me to do with this
information? - Well, it really helped me to tell you.
180
00:07:20,779 --> 00:07:23,160
- You should tell somebody,
get it off your chest. - I can't.
181
00:07:23,185 --> 00:07:24,723
- You know what I mean?
- Like... who?
182
00:07:24,742 --> 00:07:26,049
- Well, certainly not Jess.
- (retching)
183
00:07:26,067 --> 00:07:29,212
Don't ever tell Jess. The one
person you can't tell is Jess.
184
00:07:31,494 --> 00:07:33,007
Hello, Picca?
185
00:07:33,100 --> 00:07:35,030
Yes, I need a table for five.
186
00:07:35,067 --> 00:07:37,307
This is author Toni Morrison.
187
00:07:37,805 --> 00:07:38,992
I am?
188
00:07:39,030 --> 00:07:39,968
Well, oh, yeah?
189
00:07:39,982 --> 00:07:41,488
Well, I think you're a woman!
190
00:07:41,762 --> 00:07:42,595
Hello?
191
00:07:42,615 --> 00:07:45,168
Okay, here's what it is.
Just lie to her, Nick.
192
00:07:45,596 --> 00:07:47,708
It's a relationship... men and women
lie to each other all the time;
193
00:07:47,727 --> 00:07:49,952
it's what makes marriages work.
Just lie...
194
00:07:50,035 --> 00:07:53,604
Oh, you can lie... Yes,
I talked to Schmidt.
195
00:07:53,807 --> 00:07:57,146
Don't act like an alien;
just lie to a woman. It's...
196
00:07:57,934 --> 00:07:58,634
(exhales)
197
00:07:58,652 --> 00:08:00,552
Yeah, I talked to Schmidt. It's
fine, it's not a big deal.
198
00:08:00,583 --> 00:08:01,883
JESS: Hey, Nick.
199
00:08:02,284 --> 00:08:03,903
How was your day?
200
00:08:04,950 --> 00:08:07,353
Nothing... (mumbling)
201
00:08:07,382 --> 00:08:09,650
Why are you wearing a helmet?
202
00:08:10,246 --> 00:08:12,688
Oh, hi.
203
00:08:14,326 --> 00:08:16,071
Don't tease me, Nick.
204
00:08:16,083 --> 00:08:18,416
Are we finally gonna
do no-kiss sex?
205
00:08:18,906 --> 00:08:20,443
Oh, yes.
206
00:08:27,629 --> 00:08:29,636
Sorry about that.
207
00:08:29,682 --> 00:08:31,583
(sighs) Look at us.
208
00:08:31,767 --> 00:08:36,002
(high-pitched): Community
table, like a little community.
209
00:08:36,021 --> 00:08:37,265
(chuckles)
210
00:08:53,701 --> 00:08:55,226
Call that seat.
211
00:08:55,503 --> 00:08:56,353
That's my seat.
212
00:08:56,377 --> 00:08:57,228
- Come on.
- Yeah.
213
00:08:57,234 --> 00:08:59,301
Oh, no, where are y'all going?
214
00:08:59,319 --> 00:09:01,295
Dibs on those seats,
dibs on that.
215
00:09:01,307 --> 00:09:03,733
Put that for me right there. Hey,
put that right there for me.
216
00:09:04,303 --> 00:09:05,690
That was amazing.
217
00:09:05,721 --> 00:09:08,402
Jess, you know so many
Spaceballs quotes.
218
00:09:08,421 --> 00:09:11,796
(laughing): They jam the
radar with literal jam.
219
00:09:12,162 --> 00:09:15,104
Oh, hey, did you ever
talk to Schmidt?
220
00:09:17,274 --> 00:09:18,874
What's going on, Nick?
221
00:09:19,846 --> 00:09:22,153
Schmidt! Hey!
222
00:09:22,468 --> 00:09:24,200
My best friend?!
223
00:09:24,230 --> 00:09:26,082
You Long Island street trash!
224
00:09:26,095 --> 00:09:28,332
- Damn it, Nick, you told her?
- No, he didn't tell me!
225
00:09:28,344 --> 00:09:29,613
I... I happened upon it.
226
00:09:29,638 --> 00:09:31,561
Oh, you happened upon it?
Where, in the town square?
227
00:09:31,578 --> 00:09:34,109
Jess, I never wanted to be
involved in this. You're so pretty.
228
00:09:34,127 --> 00:09:36,178
Put your freakin' visor down.
229
00:09:36,421 --> 00:09:39,911
Now, you... you're gonna
tell Cece or I will, you...
230
00:09:39,936 --> 00:09:41,517
you crumb bum!
231
00:09:41,542 --> 00:09:43,405
- Jess... Yes, well said.
- You crumb bum.
232
00:09:43,430 --> 00:09:45,205
- You are a lowlife.
- I... I get it.
233
00:09:45,222 --> 00:09:47,549
- How could you do this to her?
- Jess, I am so sorry.
234
00:09:47,574 --> 00:09:50,380
I made up a dance so
everyone will be happy.
235
00:09:53,418 --> 00:09:55,634
Cece's gonna walk through
that door any minute,
236
00:09:55,658 --> 00:09:58,569
- and you have to tell her the truth.
- Jess, please, this would wreck her.
237
00:09:58,667 --> 00:09:59,898
I'm begging you.
238
00:09:59,934 --> 00:10:02,065
I... I know you don't believe
me, but I do care about her.
239
00:10:02,084 --> 00:10:05,260
Either you tell her
or I will, Schmidt.
240
00:10:05,312 --> 00:10:07,968
(humming)
241
00:10:10,863 --> 00:10:12,245
You're right.
242
00:10:13,604 --> 00:10:15,102
I'll tell her.
243
00:10:16,261 --> 00:10:17,227
(grunts)
244
00:10:17,299 --> 00:10:19,298
(sputters)
245
00:10:20,687 --> 00:10:23,923
Yo, what it be?
Double date night!
246
00:10:24,967 --> 00:10:27,128
What's, uh, what's going on?
247
00:10:27,683 --> 00:10:28,962
Tell her.
248
00:10:30,339 --> 00:10:33,427
- Tell her.
- Okay, okay.
249
00:10:36,120 --> 00:10:38,259
We're taking two cars. It's
faster that way because of gas.
250
00:10:38,271 --> 00:10:39,421
- No phones.
- What?
251
00:10:39,452 --> 00:10:40,827
Here you go; I got the door, it's okay.
252
00:10:40,856 --> 00:10:42,615
- Go!
- Go!
253
00:10:45,760 --> 00:10:48,471
- Cigarette, phone call, bathroom.
- Okay.
254
00:10:54,403 --> 00:10:56,507
Sir, you're clearly alone.
We're gonna need this table.
255
00:10:56,538 --> 00:10:59,251
Okay, so what do you think...
that over the past two hours,
256
00:10:59,263 --> 00:11:02,605
I, as a single person, have
ordered eight separate entrees
257
00:11:02,630 --> 00:11:04,405
and have taken bites
of different sizes
258
00:11:04,429 --> 00:11:07,694
of each of them to create some
sort of pointless illusion?
259
00:11:08,213 --> 00:11:10,483
(chuckles): Do you know
how insane you sound?
260
00:11:12,217 --> 00:11:14,318
God, I hate this job.
261
00:11:16,954 --> 00:11:19,521
- You need to slow down.
- I got it. Don't worry.
262
00:11:19,571 --> 00:11:22,479
What's going on, man? You guys were
acting all so weird back there,
263
00:11:22,503 --> 00:11:24,741
and you're driving
like a maniac.
264
00:11:25,136 --> 00:11:27,541
Oh, geez. You know, I didn't want
to have to say anything, but...
265
00:11:27,571 --> 00:11:28,717
What?
266
00:11:29,471 --> 00:11:30,265
Here we go.
267
00:11:30,289 --> 00:11:33,423
- Nick is cheating on Jess! Aah!
- What?!
268
00:11:33,519 --> 00:11:35,713
Apparently, they met
at some gas station.
269
00:11:35,737 --> 00:11:37,887
She's much older.
Much, much older.
270
00:11:37,921 --> 00:11:40,737
Deeply Korean. I just found out.
271
00:11:40,765 --> 00:11:42,385
And, I mean, Nick is
my best friend and all,
272
00:11:42,410 --> 00:11:45,688
but I can't even be in the same
room as that scumbag right now!
273
00:11:45,799 --> 00:11:48,505
Oh, I'm so mad! I'm
just so, so mad!
274
00:11:48,530 --> 00:11:50,235
I'm terribly angry about
the whole situation.
275
00:11:50,266 --> 00:11:51,648
I can't even drive. Take the wheel.
276
00:11:51,660 --> 00:11:53,248
- (tires screeching)
- Oh, why, God?!
277
00:11:53,266 --> 00:11:54,497
He was the best of us!
278
00:11:54,522 --> 00:11:57,152
- Cece, please. You're veering everywhere.
- Sorry.
279
00:11:57,441 --> 00:11:59,621
JESS: Oh, Nick, go, go!
280
00:11:59,646 --> 00:12:02,352
We're gonna lose them! You keep
nerd-stopping at every sign!
281
00:12:02,377 --> 00:12:05,246
Look, if I get another ticket, they're
gonna make me wear eyeglasses.
282
00:12:05,328 --> 00:12:07,335
Why didn't you get involved back there?
283
00:12:07,505 --> 00:12:10,791
Look, look, here's the reality.
Yes, Schmidt is my best friend,
284
00:12:10,804 --> 00:12:14,367
- and he's also really scary.
- You are so afraid of everything.
285
00:12:14,391 --> 00:12:16,280
Oh, really? Would a
man afraid of everything
286
00:12:16,299 --> 00:12:19,005
- put his finger in a cigarette lighter?
- I don't know...
287
00:12:19,039 --> 00:12:21,077
- Don't do that. That's just stupid!
- I'm not gonna do that.
288
00:12:21,102 --> 00:12:21,877
You wimp.
289
00:12:21,895 --> 00:12:24,008
- Oh, my gosh!
- (screams) Oh, my God!
290
00:12:24,027 --> 00:12:25,686
- Jess, are you okay?
- It really hurts.
291
00:12:25,691 --> 00:12:27,427
- Oh, my Lord, are...
- It's so hot!
292
00:12:27,439 --> 00:12:29,057
- Come here. Are you okay?
- Yeah.
293
00:12:29,075 --> 00:12:30,656
Are you okay? Look,
I'm gonna do it.
294
00:12:30,668 --> 00:12:31,887
- Ow!
- Oh.
295
00:12:31,964 --> 00:12:35,098
- Why did you do that? - So that we were
both in the same amount of pain!
296
00:12:35,155 --> 00:12:36,362
I'm gonna junk-punch him.
297
00:12:36,387 --> 00:12:37,964
Turn the car around. We're
going to the restaurant.
298
00:12:37,989 --> 00:12:40,530
Why would you...? That seems rash.
Maybe... I don't know.
299
00:12:40,555 --> 00:12:42,061
Maybe staying away for a while,
300
00:12:42,085 --> 00:12:44,689
or at least... I don't know... talking
about it, hearing his side. I don't...
301
00:12:44,722 --> 00:12:48,850
Cheating is selfish, and it is cowardly,
and there is no excuse for it.
302
00:12:49,207 --> 00:12:52,227
The only thing that you can
do is punch it in the junk.
303
00:12:52,245 --> 00:12:55,308
Or you could really understand it
emotionally from their point of view.
304
00:12:55,332 --> 00:12:57,628
You don't know. Maybe
they had a tough childhood.
305
00:12:57,647 --> 00:12:59,565
- Turn the car around, Schmidt.
- Maybe their mom's a lesbian.
306
00:12:59,596 --> 00:13:01,528
- I don't know.
- Turn the car around!
307
00:13:01,553 --> 00:13:04,366
Yeah, let's do it. Let's turn the
car around. Let's go to Picca.
308
00:13:04,378 --> 00:13:05,501
I'm gonna turn the car around
309
00:13:05,520 --> 00:13:07,885
- as soon as I turn this...
- Turn the car around Schmidt!
310
00:13:07,909 --> 00:13:10,115
- As soon as I turn the car around.
- Now!
311
00:13:11,102 --> 00:13:14,339
- As soon as I turn this car around...
- Turn the car around, Schmidt! Let's go!
312
00:13:14,357 --> 00:13:16,239
And I'm turning the
car around. Let's do it.
313
00:13:16,289 --> 00:13:18,233
- (horn honking)
- (chuckles) Double date, here we come.
314
00:13:18,238 --> 00:13:20,013
- What is he doing?
- I don't know.
315
00:13:20,026 --> 00:13:21,883
Looks like he lost a wing.
316
00:13:24,549 --> 00:13:27,839
(speaking gibberish, clicking tongue)
317
00:13:29,317 --> 00:13:31,318
(speaking gibberish)
318
00:13:33,612 --> 00:13:34,862
Hey, Jess.
319
00:13:34,893 --> 00:13:36,375
Yeah, fourth message.
320
00:13:36,408 --> 00:13:38,705
Just a friendly time update.
321
00:13:38,946 --> 00:13:42,101
8:13. Hope to God you
guys aren't bailing on me,
322
00:13:42,134 --> 00:13:44,667
or maybe you just lost
track of time being couples!
323
00:13:44,701 --> 00:13:45,685
(forced laugh)
324
00:13:45,715 --> 00:13:48,022
Hit me back. Winnie the Bish.
325
00:14:00,030 --> 00:14:02,217
We're never gonna find this restaurant;
maybe we should just go home.
326
00:14:02,238 --> 00:14:03,645
- There it is!
- Here it is.
327
00:14:03,702 --> 00:14:05,670
(tires screech)
328
00:14:10,841 --> 00:14:12,056
MAN: Welcome!
329
00:14:12,093 --> 00:14:14,427
- Can I have your car, sir?
- Oh.
330
00:14:15,980 --> 00:14:17,747
Sir?
331
00:14:18,582 --> 00:14:20,046
Sir?
332
00:14:22,485 --> 00:14:23,756
Sir?
333
00:14:25,119 --> 00:14:26,958
I'm on the phone.
334
00:14:27,209 --> 00:14:29,853
All right, time's up. You
got to get out of here.
335
00:14:29,972 --> 00:14:31,639
Uh, th... that's my friend.
336
00:14:31,681 --> 00:14:33,687
That's my friend. See?
See? I told you all.
337
00:14:33,706 --> 00:14:34,781
Huh? I got friends.
338
00:14:34,824 --> 00:14:36,432
Everybody? Hmm?
(applause)
339
00:14:36,905 --> 00:14:39,149
- That's my friend right there.
- Where the hell is Nick?!
340
00:14:39,194 --> 00:14:40,469
How did I even beat him here?!
341
00:14:40,487 --> 00:14:43,117
- That was the slowest ride
of my entire life! - Oh, Jess...
342
00:14:43,150 --> 00:14:46,606
Literally, my grandmother
drives faster than that.
343
00:14:47,485 --> 00:14:49,166
- Look, she's my best friend.
- Yeah.
344
00:14:49,194 --> 00:14:51,618
And Schmidt is mine. That's why
I didn't want to get involved.
345
00:14:51,649 --> 00:14:55,029
Well, when someone I love
gets hurt, I get involved.
346
00:14:58,592 --> 00:14:59,899
(car door closes)
347
00:15:03,396 --> 00:15:04,565
Sir?
348
00:15:04,623 --> 00:15:06,129
(knocking on car door)
349
00:15:06,356 --> 00:15:08,124
(knocking continues)
350
00:15:08,165 --> 00:15:09,732
What's up, big cat?
351
00:15:10,141 --> 00:15:11,697
MAN: Sir? Sir?
352
00:15:11,724 --> 00:15:13,901
Well, you got to go in there,
and you got to face her.
353
00:15:13,958 --> 00:15:17,093
Look, it's not about Cece.
This is about the $12 valet.
354
00:15:17,119 --> 00:15:18,887
It's $12 to...?
355
00:15:19,145 --> 00:15:21,720
One sec. Hey, it's self-park!
356
00:15:22,099 --> 00:15:24,467
The maroon car is self-park!
357
00:15:26,309 --> 00:15:28,760
It's an excessive
amount of money.
358
00:15:29,712 --> 00:15:31,382
I didn't mean for any
of this to happen.
359
00:15:31,401 --> 00:15:34,005
Look, I know you didn't, okay?
360
00:15:34,160 --> 00:15:36,828
But now it's time you do
the right thing, Schmidt.
361
00:15:39,530 --> 00:15:43,085
- I can't go in there.
- Well, I can't let Jess tell her.
362
00:15:45,615 --> 00:15:47,100
MAN: Hello? (knocking)
363
00:15:47,122 --> 00:15:48,407
Open the door.
364
00:15:48,474 --> 00:15:49,858
Wait, Cece!
365
00:15:49,895 --> 00:15:52,356
- Oh, Jess, I have something to tell you.
- I have something to tell you!
366
00:15:52,374 --> 00:15:54,741
- What?
- No, I have something I need to tell you.
367
00:15:54,776 --> 00:15:55,632
(groaning)
368
00:15:55,663 --> 00:15:57,501
Oh, my God, what are
you doing, Cece?!
369
00:15:57,513 --> 00:15:59,465
Why did you do that?!
370
00:15:59,853 --> 00:16:00,665
(sighs)
371
00:16:00,699 --> 00:16:02,519
- (high-pitched screaming)
- Cece.
372
00:16:02,565 --> 00:16:06,272
- You nipped the corner!
- Wait, Cece. Uh... okay. I...
373
00:16:06,307 --> 00:16:07,888
Cece, he's not...
374
00:16:10,710 --> 00:16:12,781
I lied to you. I...
375
00:16:14,933 --> 00:16:17,668
I've been cheating on...
on you with Elizabeth.
376
00:16:24,284 --> 00:16:25,751
(sighs)
377
00:16:29,921 --> 00:16:34,900
Uh, I hate to do this right now, but if
we don't sit, we will lose this table.
378
00:16:40,384 --> 00:16:42,237
SCHMIDT: Cece, I'm sor...
I'm sorry.
379
00:16:42,322 --> 00:16:44,291
I don't... I just...
380
00:16:44,715 --> 00:16:46,284
(chuckles)
381
00:16:46,401 --> 00:16:49,637
Is there someplace maybe
we could, uh, go talk?
382
00:16:49,945 --> 00:16:52,881
Everybody knows anyway, Schmidt.
Might as well just say it.
383
00:16:53,297 --> 00:16:56,008
Oh, let's talk. Let's... we...
this should be fine.
384
00:16:56,505 --> 00:16:57,611
(Schmidt sighs)
385
00:16:57,767 --> 00:16:59,460
I didn't want to hurt you.
386
00:17:00,356 --> 00:17:02,290
You have to know that I
did not want to hurt you.
387
00:17:02,309 --> 00:17:05,893
Please, I... I'm begging you. If
you take anything away from this,
388
00:17:05,956 --> 00:17:09,277
know that I did not want to hurt you.
I didn't want to hurt anyone.
389
00:17:09,637 --> 00:17:11,431
Especially you.
390
00:17:11,818 --> 00:17:15,024
You have no idea
what you mean to me.
391
00:17:15,346 --> 00:17:18,070
And I got caught up
in this thing, and...
392
00:17:19,639 --> 00:17:21,806
I used to be so fat.
393
00:17:22,432 --> 00:17:24,113
I mean, like...
394
00:17:24,462 --> 00:17:26,462
truly gigantic.
395
00:17:27,914 --> 00:17:30,619
I mean, as big as... as
big... as big as it gets.
396
00:17:30,986 --> 00:17:35,294
And now... and now I'm not, and
girls like me, and I don't...
397
00:17:35,739 --> 00:17:38,074
I don't know how to do this.
398
00:17:38,676 --> 00:17:40,539
I got lost.
399
00:17:41,792 --> 00:17:43,623
And I'm sorry.
400
00:17:44,067 --> 00:17:45,849
You're sorry?
401
00:17:46,577 --> 00:17:49,828
You didn't want to hurt anybody?
That's the best you can do, Schmidt?
402
00:17:49,949 --> 00:17:51,468
Really?
403
00:17:54,088 --> 00:17:55,375
I don't know.
404
00:17:55,417 --> 00:17:57,452
I don't know you.
405
00:17:58,801 --> 00:18:00,328
(sniffles)
406
00:18:00,604 --> 00:18:02,398
Good-bye, Schmidt.
407
00:18:03,362 --> 00:18:04,863
(sighs)
408
00:18:17,931 --> 00:18:20,855
I'm just realizing that I
don't have any cash on me.
409
00:18:22,421 --> 00:18:25,459
If anyone would be willing
to loan me $12 for the valet,
410
00:18:25,485 --> 00:18:27,340
that would be...
411
00:18:27,452 --> 00:18:29,452
greatly appreciated.
412
00:18:31,427 --> 00:18:33,219
Cece still hasn't called me.
413
00:18:33,302 --> 00:18:34,758
Do you think you could
test my phone again?
414
00:18:34,786 --> 00:18:37,119
I can't. I don't have
any more minutes.
415
00:18:37,482 --> 00:18:39,157
Minutes, Nick?!
416
00:18:39,182 --> 00:18:40,907
Who still has minutes
on their phone?!
417
00:18:40,932 --> 00:18:43,645
I bought 10,000 minutes in
1999, and I'm still using them.
418
00:18:43,668 --> 00:18:44,709
I'm sorry. I just...
419
00:18:44,734 --> 00:18:47,164
I... I really want
to be there for her.
420
00:18:47,176 --> 00:18:51,564
You are, okay? And she'll
call, 'cause she needs you.
421
00:18:52,319 --> 00:18:53,419
(sighs): Hell.
422
00:18:53,439 --> 00:18:56,319
This is a real butt munch
of a situation we're in.
423
00:18:56,534 --> 00:18:57,715
Yeah.
424
00:18:58,190 --> 00:18:59,590
Look...
425
00:19:00,115 --> 00:19:01,716
I'm here for you.
426
00:19:01,731 --> 00:19:07,991
There is nothing I know more than the fact
that I want to be with you, Jess, okay?
427
00:19:15,838 --> 00:19:17,422
Unless we're driving.
428
00:19:17,807 --> 00:19:20,891
- You admitted to driving while legally blind!
- No, because you're honestly the worst backseat...
429
00:19:20,925 --> 00:19:23,288
You're honestly telling me
what to do the entire time!
430
00:19:23,306 --> 00:19:25,697
- Legally blind.
- Whoever has the wheel controls the car!
431
00:19:25,722 --> 00:19:27,775
ELIZABETH: You liar!
432
00:19:27,895 --> 00:19:30,047
Here's your pie!
433
00:19:37,854 --> 00:19:39,822
You broke my heart.
434
00:19:39,965 --> 00:19:42,111
Mail me my mouth guard.
435
00:19:44,698 --> 00:19:46,279
(door slams)
436
00:19:46,774 --> 00:19:50,944
In case you were wondering if Cece had
Elizabeth's number, sh... she does.
437
00:19:51,038 --> 00:19:53,836
So, tough time in
Schmidtsburg, wouldn't you say?
438
00:19:54,293 --> 00:19:56,200
Just a quick heads-up, Nick,
439
00:19:56,230 --> 00:19:57,399
Jess.
440
00:19:57,444 --> 00:19:59,194
I blame you for this whole thing.
441
00:19:59,308 --> 00:20:02,477
- You can't seriously...
- I was going to fix it.
442
00:20:03,428 --> 00:20:05,359
I wasn't going to hurt anyone.
443
00:20:05,384 --> 00:20:08,259
But, since you took it upon
yourself to hurt both of them,
444
00:20:08,397 --> 00:20:10,516
should it take me the
rest of my life,
445
00:20:10,550 --> 00:20:12,204
I'm going to break
the two of you up.
446
00:20:12,225 --> 00:20:14,400
- Bring it, Schmidt.
- It's impossible. We're really strong.
447
00:20:14,424 --> 00:20:18,023
It will be when you least expect it,
which might be when you most expect it.
448
00:20:18,662 --> 00:20:20,797
Could actually be when you're
watching the movie version of
449
00:20:20,809 --> 00:20:22,597
What to Expect When You're Expecting.
450
00:20:22,621 --> 00:20:24,106
Regardless...
451
00:20:24,655 --> 00:20:26,198
I...
452
00:20:26,223 --> 00:20:28,198
am coming...
453
00:20:28,354 --> 00:20:30,055
for you.
454
00:20:33,004 --> 00:20:35,551
Oh, my God, Schmidt is
so scary. You were right.
455
00:20:35,568 --> 00:20:38,193
We have to talk about the things - that he
could use to pull us apart, okay? - Okay.
456
00:20:38,208 --> 00:20:40,039
- Okay. Okay, politics.
- Okay.
457
00:20:40,058 --> 00:20:42,221
- You're a Democrat, I've never voted.
- I'm in the Green Party.
458
00:20:42,239 --> 00:20:43,539
Oh, that is so annoying.
459
00:20:43,558 --> 00:20:47,614
Okay, I have been banned for
my lifetime from Lake Ontario.
460
00:20:47,618 --> 00:20:48,618
- Don't ask.
- Okay.
461
00:20:48,649 --> 00:20:50,859
- What else do you have?
- My fear of pears.
462
00:20:51,241 --> 00:20:52,659
Okay, you're afraid of pears?
463
00:20:52,681 --> 00:20:55,253
- And pear-shaped people.
- Um, that's interesting.
464
00:20:55,257 --> 00:20:58,025
I'm not convinced I know how to read.
I've just memorized a lot of words.
465
00:20:58,049 --> 00:21:00,411
The doctors say I might
grow another 18 inches.
466
00:21:00,433 --> 00:21:03,522
That's a different image of you, but I'm
gonna get past that, and I'm past it.
467
00:21:03,549 --> 00:21:05,274
- Okay, the moon landing...
- Mm-hmm.
468
00:21:05,299 --> 00:21:07,712
- Uh, which is obviously fake.
- No, it's not obviously fake.
469
00:21:07,737 --> 00:21:09,293
- No, that's actually not what...
- Are you crazy?
470
00:21:09,308 --> 00:21:11,548
- The moon landing is definitely fake, by the way.
- The moon landing's not... What?!
471
00:21:11,573 --> 00:21:12,993
- The shadows are off.
- No, they're not.
472
00:21:13,018 --> 00:21:15,096
Yes, they are. I've looked at photos
on the Internet, and it proves it.
473
00:21:15,114 --> 00:21:16,811
- Nick, that's... - The shadows are
off, the shadows are off...!
474
00:21:16,836 --> 00:21:19,452
Shadows are not... those
photos are Photoshopped.
475
00:21:19,464 --> 00:21:21,013
- That's not true.
- People do that as a joke
476
00:21:21,025 --> 00:21:22,997
- to trick stupid people.
- Oh, yeah, you can just Photoshop...
477
00:21:23,039 --> 00:21:24,503
- No, that's...
- Wait a minute.
478
00:21:24,635 --> 00:21:27,339
He's doing it already.
He's getting in our heads.
479
00:21:27,376 --> 00:21:29,926
- Unbelievable. Good call.
- Okay, this is good. Let's keep going.
480
00:21:29,944 --> 00:21:31,520
- I totally agree. Okay.
- Let's keep going. Okay.
481
00:21:31,546 --> 00:21:33,857
I... kind of want to get a gun.
482
00:21:33,889 --> 00:21:36,070
I'm definitely sexually
attracted to Lady Bucks.
483
00:21:36,904 --> 00:21:38,109
Ok.
484
00:21:40,286 --> 00:21:42,351
I prefer the Killborn Daily Show.
485
00:21:42,378 --> 00:21:44,884
- I think it's the best one. I know
that you're very into it... - It's not.
486
00:21:44,909 --> 00:21:46,929
Yes, it is. He's very charming.
487
00:21:46,990 --> 00:21:48,972
I'm weirdly good at volleyball.
488
00:21:48,991 --> 00:21:50,838
I believe horses are from outer space.
489
00:21:50,871 --> 00:21:52,507
- I believe that too!
- Ok. Good.
490
00:21:52,534 --> 00:22:00,534
- synced and corrected by chamallow -
- www.addic7ed.com -
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther