1
00:00:02,068 --> 00:00:03,695
Okay, here's
the text for your speech.
2
00:00:03,770 --> 00:00:06,796
I added a few more jokes
slamming Eagleton at the end.
3
00:00:06,940 --> 00:00:09,465
Mmm. That's the sexiest thing
you've ever said to me.
4
00:00:09,542 --> 00:00:10,736
So glad you're on my team.
5
00:00:10,810 --> 00:00:13,210
Are you sure you want to attack
them at this press conference?
6
00:00:13,346 --> 00:00:15,780
It's a friendly wager on a
high school basketball game.
7
00:00:16,016 --> 00:00:17,916
I'm losing
the recall election, Ben.
8
00:00:17,984 --> 00:00:20,145
Slamming Eagleton is the easiest
way to score some points.
9
00:00:20,720 --> 00:00:21,948
Look. Am I proud of it?
10
00:00:22,022 --> 00:00:23,922
Yes, because Eagleton sucks.
11
00:00:23,990 --> 00:00:26,754
But is it the classiest move?
Yes, because Eagleton sucks.
12
00:00:27,127 --> 00:00:29,527
Would I do it again?
Yes, because Eagleton sucks.
13
00:00:29,829 --> 00:00:33,492
This year, we get to host the
Pawnee-Eagleton Tip-Off Classic.
14
00:00:33,566 --> 00:00:36,558
That awful human
being is Ingrid De Forest.
15
00:00:36,870 --> 00:00:38,599
She's a city
councilor from Eagleton.
16
00:00:38,938 --> 00:00:40,235
She thinks she's
so great because
17
00:00:40,306 --> 00:00:42,638
she won the Miss
Indiana beauty pageant.
18
00:00:42,742 --> 00:00:45,233
Last year,
while she was in office.
19
00:00:45,378 --> 00:00:46,845
And pregnant.
20
00:00:46,946 --> 00:00:48,504
As always, we would like to make
21
00:00:48,581 --> 00:00:50,105
a friendly wager with Eagleton.
22
00:00:50,183 --> 00:00:51,673
If you beat us this year,
23
00:00:51,751 --> 00:00:55,653
we will give you a basket of
apples from our Pawnee orchard.
24
00:00:55,722 --> 00:00:56,814
Ew, pesticide.
Yuck!
25
00:00:57,323 --> 00:00:59,052
Oh, no, these are
pesticide-free.
26
00:00:59,125 --> 00:01:00,592
I ate one of these for
breakfast this morning,
27
00:01:00,660 --> 00:01:02,287
and I found a worm in it.
28
00:01:02,362 --> 00:01:03,522
So...
29
00:01:03,596 --> 00:01:05,587
I bet somebody feels
pretty stupid right now.
30
00:01:05,665 --> 00:01:08,828
Well, Leslie, I think
we had similar ideas.
31
00:01:08,902 --> 00:01:13,202
If you win, Eagleton will give
you this basket of oranges.
32
00:01:14,374 --> 00:01:16,842
Of course, it's silly to
compare apples and oranges,
33
00:01:16,910 --> 00:01:18,241
but what the heck.
34
00:01:18,311 --> 00:01:19,972
These are made of
Swarovski Crystal
35
00:01:20,046 --> 00:01:21,946
and they're worth $700,000.
36
00:01:22,215 --> 00:01:24,649
Leslie, you're down 15 points
37
00:01:24,717 --> 00:01:26,378
in the latest poll
for the recall election.
38
00:01:26,586 --> 00:01:27,814
What can you do to
make up the deficit?
39
00:01:28,121 --> 00:01:30,248
I'll tell you what I'd do
if I was an Eagletonian.
40
00:01:30,323 --> 00:01:33,121
I'd pop a Xanax and ask my
butler to help me out.
41
00:01:35,662 --> 00:01:38,563
I mean, I'm not saying that
Eagletonians are out of touch,
42
00:01:38,631 --> 00:01:41,065
but when you tell them it's
time to change their oil,
43
00:01:41,134 --> 00:01:43,659
they ask "Extra
virgin or white truffle?"
44
00:01:44,838 --> 00:01:46,169
Thanks, guys.
I'll see you at the game.
45
00:01:46,239 --> 00:01:47,706
Unless, of course,
you're an Eagletonian.
46
00:01:47,774 --> 00:01:49,469
And then,
you'll be too busy polishing
47
00:01:49,542 --> 00:01:51,533
your monocle at
the caviar store.
48
00:01:51,811 --> 00:01:53,176
Knope out.
49
00:01:58,000 --> 00:02:04,000
Ripped By mstoll
50
00:02:15,768 --> 00:02:18,532
Who or what is Pennysaver?
51
00:02:18,905 --> 00:02:20,930
It's a free circular
with a bunch of coupons in it.
52
00:02:21,007 --> 00:02:24,636
This was sent to Ron Swanson
at Diane's address...
53
00:02:24,844 --> 00:02:27,210
...where I've lived
for less than a month.
54
00:02:27,280 --> 00:02:28,804
How is that possible?
55
00:02:28,882 --> 00:02:31,214
This is an extreme
invasion of privacy.
56
00:02:31,351 --> 00:02:34,218
The right to privacy
is very important to me.
57
00:02:34,320 --> 00:02:38,484
My family has had a single P.O.
Box for several generations.
58
00:02:38,658 --> 00:02:40,922
We only ever subscribed
to two magazines.
59
00:02:40,994 --> 00:02:43,292
Reader's Digest and Ebony.
60
00:02:43,963 --> 00:02:45,828
Ebony was due to
a clerical error,
61
00:02:45,899 --> 00:02:48,800
but it ended up being an
interesting year of reading.
62
00:02:49,169 --> 00:02:50,796
I don't know how this was
delivered to me,
63
00:02:50,870 --> 00:02:52,599
but it cannot happen again.
64
00:02:52,672 --> 00:02:53,798
How can I stop it?
65
00:02:54,007 --> 00:02:56,305
Mmm. Donna is great
with this sort of thing.
66
00:02:56,376 --> 00:02:58,310
She got me off the
Williams-Sonoma mailing list.
67
00:02:58,578 --> 00:03:00,011
But then, I just
signed back up again.
68
00:03:00,079 --> 00:03:01,307
I'm hooked on their oven mitts.
69
00:03:01,447 --> 00:03:02,641
I need my mitts on those mitts.
70
00:03:02,782 --> 00:03:04,409
Let me know
the second Donna returns.
71
00:03:04,484 --> 00:03:05,917
According to her Twitter feed,
72
00:03:05,985 --> 00:03:07,452
she got coffee five minutes ago.
73
00:03:07,520 --> 00:03:09,545
Wait, now she's
Ustreaming her walk back.
74
00:03:09,622 --> 00:03:13,922
She should be here
in three, two, one.
75
00:03:14,394 --> 00:03:15,759
Hey, hey!
76
00:03:16,162 --> 00:03:19,097
#QuestForCoffee,
blowing up my timeline.
77
00:03:19,265 --> 00:03:20,994
Did you get my Snapchat about it?
No.
78
00:03:21,067 --> 00:03:22,056
What?
79
00:03:22,202 --> 00:03:23,226
There it is.
80
00:03:26,372 --> 00:03:27,896
Hey, you wanted to see me?
I did. Think fast!
81
00:03:27,974 --> 00:03:29,373
Oh, my God.
82
00:03:29,609 --> 00:03:31,702
Hey, Dr. Buttons.
83
00:03:32,212 --> 00:03:33,702
I mean, my old calculator.
84
00:03:33,780 --> 00:03:35,680
It doesn't have a name.
Why did you throw this at me?
85
00:03:35,815 --> 00:03:38,283
I just got off the phone with
our old boss from Indianapolis.
86
00:03:38,351 --> 00:03:41,411
And apparently, there may be some
sort of a budget problem in Eagleton.
87
00:03:41,588 --> 00:03:46,025
He asked if maybe you and I
wouldn't have a look.
88
00:03:46,125 --> 00:03:47,114
You in?
89
00:03:47,260 --> 00:03:50,855
Butch Count-sidy and the
Sum-dance Kid, together again?
90
00:03:54,534 --> 00:03:55,762
Hmm.
91
00:03:55,835 --> 00:03:57,166
Auditing Bros.
92
00:03:57,237 --> 00:04:00,035
Yeah. And Auditing Sista.
Let's do this.
93
00:04:00,873 --> 00:04:01,999
Oh, you're coming.
94
00:04:02,075 --> 00:04:03,736
If there's a problem with
Eagleton, I want to be there.
95
00:04:03,810 --> 00:04:05,437
That's like a dream come true.
96
00:04:05,511 --> 00:04:07,706
Besides, I have a new
routine I'm working on.
97
00:04:07,847 --> 00:04:10,611
Kind of like a Jeff Foxworthy
type thing, but about Eagleton.
98
00:04:10,683 --> 00:04:13,811
If you make
your omelet out of Fabergé eggs,
99
00:04:14,287 --> 00:04:15,515
you just might be
an Eagletonian.
100
00:04:15,588 --> 00:04:16,714
Might be an Eagletonian.
101
00:04:17,590 --> 00:04:19,421
Yippee! Road trip.
102
00:04:19,492 --> 00:04:20,857
Who's excited to go
to Bloomington?
103
00:04:20,927 --> 00:04:22,690
Is that where
you're going to sit?
104
00:04:22,762 --> 00:04:24,593
I'm driving.
Where else would I sit?
105
00:04:24,664 --> 00:04:25,790
Trunk.
106
00:04:25,865 --> 00:04:27,662
I helped April get into vet
school in Bloomington.
107
00:04:27,734 --> 00:04:29,099
And today is her orientation,
108
00:04:29,168 --> 00:04:30,567
so we're taking
a little road trip.
109
00:04:31,004 --> 00:04:33,564
While I'm there, I'm also going to
pick up an organic baby blanket.
110
00:04:33,706 --> 00:04:36,004
I would get one in Pawnee,
but, fun fact,
111
00:04:36,075 --> 00:04:39,511
our only baby store is attached
to a chemical refinery.
112
00:04:39,579 --> 00:04:42,446
I made a special
road trip mix CD for us.
113
00:04:42,515 --> 00:04:43,675
I hope you like Tori Amos.
114
00:04:43,750 --> 00:04:44,842
Oh, cool.
115
00:04:48,788 --> 00:04:51,814
It really is a pleasure to see
you in this context, Ingrid.
116
00:04:52,091 --> 00:04:54,059
Say cheese.
117
00:04:54,127 --> 00:04:55,924
Damn it, you look beautiful.
118
00:04:55,995 --> 00:04:57,360
Could you give us
a little more information
119
00:04:57,430 --> 00:04:59,227
surrounding the deficits
that you're running this year?
120
00:04:59,299 --> 00:05:00,766
Ooh, gosh.
121
00:05:00,833 --> 00:05:04,325
We don't really like
to talk about money.
122
00:05:04,537 --> 00:05:06,232
We find it a little gauche.
123
00:05:06,306 --> 00:05:07,933
This is a budget meeting.
124
00:05:08,007 --> 00:05:09,634
Well, most of our files
are in these boxes,
125
00:05:09,709 --> 00:05:11,574
if you really want to take a look
at how much money...
126
00:05:11,644 --> 00:05:12,633
...that we've spent.
127
00:05:12,712 --> 00:05:14,509
Why don't we just dig in and
see what we're up against?
128
00:05:14,580 --> 00:05:16,775
Yes. And thank you.
129
00:05:16,849 --> 00:05:18,680
We really appreciate your help.
130
00:05:19,118 --> 00:05:21,052
Are you tipping me?
131
00:05:21,120 --> 00:05:23,315
Is that a hundred... Euros?
132
00:05:24,324 --> 00:05:26,690
People ought to have
the right to be left alone.
133
00:05:27,060 --> 00:05:29,119
I want to get
completely off the grid.
134
00:05:29,195 --> 00:05:32,028
That's crazy talk.
I live for the grid.
135
00:05:32,098 --> 00:05:33,929
It's where I meet
40% of my jump-offs.
136
00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:35,262
And if you're off the grid,
137
00:05:35,335 --> 00:05:37,860
how are you gonna post photos of the
dope food at restaurants you're at,
138
00:05:37,937 --> 00:05:39,268
and all the cool
places you're stunting in?
139
00:05:39,339 --> 00:05:43,139
Food is for eating. Places are for being.
End of discussion.
140
00:05:43,209 --> 00:05:44,801
Don't leave the grid, Ron.
The grid is the best.
141
00:05:44,877 --> 00:05:47,505
If anything, you need
to get more on the grid.
142
00:05:47,714 --> 00:05:50,148
Grid. Grid. Grid.
Grid. Grid. Grid.
143
00:05:50,650 --> 00:05:51,776
If you help me get off the grid,
144
00:05:51,851 --> 00:05:53,284
I will let both of
you go home early.
145
00:05:54,120 --> 00:05:55,951
No grid. No grid.
146
00:05:56,022 --> 00:05:57,512
No grid. No grid.
No grid. No grid.
147
00:05:58,291 --> 00:06:00,816
All right. So, you have
everything you need for orientation?
148
00:06:00,893 --> 00:06:03,020
Yeah. An empty
Sprite can,
149
00:06:03,096 --> 00:06:04,961
an old man's fingernail
in my pocket,
150
00:06:05,031 --> 00:06:08,296
and a picture of Patrick Ewing
on a roller coaster.
151
00:06:08,368 --> 00:06:09,960
I'm all set.
Great.
152
00:06:10,236 --> 00:06:13,433
Hi. My friend here is enrolling
in the vet school next month,
153
00:06:13,506 --> 00:06:15,064
and she would like
to be shown around.
154
00:06:15,141 --> 00:06:16,972
Totally. Happy to.
I'm Laura.
155
00:06:17,043 --> 00:06:19,170
I'm April Ludgate Kevorkian.
156
00:06:19,312 --> 00:06:20,745
So, you go with Laura,
157
00:06:20,813 --> 00:06:22,974
who seems really nice and does
not deserve to be tortured,
158
00:06:23,049 --> 00:06:24,573
and I will come meet up with you
159
00:06:24,650 --> 00:06:26,345
after I finish
at the baby store.
160
00:06:26,419 --> 00:06:28,011
You sure you want to
leave me here with her?
161
00:06:28,087 --> 00:06:29,281
What if I'm a murderer?
162
00:06:29,355 --> 00:06:31,289
What?
Funny.
163
00:06:31,958 --> 00:06:33,926
This is worse than I
could have imagined.
164
00:06:34,193 --> 00:06:36,593
Their debt-to-equity
ratio is ridonkulous.
165
00:06:36,662 --> 00:06:38,220
What a hilarious word.
166
00:06:38,297 --> 00:06:40,527
It reminds me of
a ridiculous donkey.
167
00:06:40,600 --> 00:06:42,090
He's the best. What does
this mean for them?
168
00:06:42,535 --> 00:06:45,993
They were in financial trouble a
few years ago like Pawnee was.
169
00:06:46,072 --> 00:06:48,404
But their government
just kept borrowing money.
170
00:06:49,075 --> 00:06:52,738
Eagleton is on the brink of
an epic financial disaster.
171
00:06:52,945 --> 00:06:54,276
Ah.
172
00:06:56,082 --> 00:06:57,845
Now, that is the sexiest thing
you've ever said to me.
173
00:06:57,950 --> 00:06:59,042
Really? That?
174
00:06:59,118 --> 00:07:01,245
This is going to hand
me the recall election.
175
00:07:01,387 --> 00:07:02,945
I saved Pawnee from bankruptcy.
176
00:07:03,022 --> 00:07:04,785
Now, I get to remind
people of that fact
177
00:07:04,857 --> 00:07:08,486
as we watch our worst enemy
collapse into bankruptcy.
178
00:07:08,861 --> 00:07:10,954
Plus, guess what I get to do
after the game now?
179
00:07:11,030 --> 00:07:12,054
You pretend you're Ingrid.
180
00:07:12,131 --> 00:07:14,861
Let's pretend this box is the basket
of apples I bet them on the game.
181
00:07:14,934 --> 00:07:16,094
I see where
you're going with this.
182
00:07:16,169 --> 00:07:18,069
No, you don't. Yeah, you're going
to ask me if I like apples.
183
00:07:18,137 --> 00:07:19,126
Do you like apples?
184
00:07:19,205 --> 00:07:20,467
We just watched this
movie two nights ago.
185
00:07:20,540 --> 00:07:21,700
Do you like apples?
I don't want to do this.
186
00:07:21,774 --> 00:07:23,708
How 'bout them apples?
187
00:07:26,579 --> 00:07:29,446
Paul, if you ever see another one
of these with my name on it,
188
00:07:29,515 --> 00:07:31,642
I want you to drive into
the woods and bury it.
189
00:07:31,717 --> 00:07:34,481
I don't decide who gets mail, sir.
I just deliver it.
190
00:07:34,554 --> 00:07:36,078
Passing the buck.
191
00:07:36,155 --> 00:07:39,147
The last refuge of the
cowardly and black-hearted.
192
00:07:39,258 --> 00:07:41,226
That seems harsh.
Get out.
193
00:07:41,561 --> 00:07:45,463
We got rid of your cell phone.
This is your last credit card.
194
00:07:45,531 --> 00:07:47,965
Are you sure you want me
to cut up this card?
195
00:07:48,034 --> 00:07:49,467
It gets you into
the parking garage.
196
00:07:49,535 --> 00:07:52,527
I'll be taking the bus now,
and I'll be paying in cash.
197
00:07:52,939 --> 00:07:56,602
What other traces of me exist in the world?
Think, people.
198
00:07:57,009 --> 00:07:59,637
Isn't there a photo of you up at JJ's
Diner from that time when you...
199
00:07:59,712 --> 00:08:01,373
Ow!
Come on, Tom!
200
00:08:02,014 --> 00:08:03,948
This place is unbelievable.
201
00:08:04,016 --> 00:08:05,381
It has everything I need.
202
00:08:05,451 --> 00:08:08,079
Video monitors,
lead-free pacifiers.
203
00:08:08,654 --> 00:08:10,451
These are the first
bibs I've ever seen
204
00:08:10,523 --> 00:08:12,514
without Dale
Earnhardt Jr.'s face on them.
205
00:08:12,592 --> 00:08:13,786
Really?
206
00:08:15,027 --> 00:08:16,995
April? Excuse me. Sorry.
207
00:08:17,597 --> 00:08:19,758
April, why aren't
you at orientation?
208
00:08:19,832 --> 00:08:22,699
Um, I was at orientation.
But it was lame, so I left.
209
00:08:22,768 --> 00:08:24,827
And then, I kept walking.
And now, here I am.
210
00:08:24,904 --> 00:08:27,202
We are going back there
right now, young lady.
211
00:08:27,273 --> 00:08:28,672
Mmm-mmm.
Come on.
212
00:08:28,941 --> 00:08:30,670
God. Get off me,
stranger.
213
00:08:30,977 --> 00:08:34,242
I'm so sorry we're late. We came
from our bankruptcy brunch.
214
00:08:34,313 --> 00:08:36,679
And Michael Bublé played,
but he ran a little long.
215
00:08:36,749 --> 00:08:38,216
I love Michael Bublé.
216
00:08:38,284 --> 00:08:40,013
Was a bankruptcy
brunch the best idea?
217
00:08:40,086 --> 00:08:42,850
Sure, let's not have brunch.
Like animals.
218
00:08:43,256 --> 00:08:46,953
Well, um, some of these
expenditures are questionable.
219
00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:49,954
Mmm. You filled the public
pools with bottled water?
220
00:08:50,162 --> 00:08:51,493
Total body hydration.
221
00:08:51,564 --> 00:08:52,758
What is this here,
222
00:08:52,832 --> 00:08:55,096
this massive expenditure
from Public Works?
223
00:08:55,768 --> 00:08:57,599
Ah, yes. Well, yes.
224
00:08:57,670 --> 00:08:59,365
We purchased HBO
for the whole town.
225
00:09:00,573 --> 00:09:01,597
I'm sorry.
226
00:09:01,674 --> 00:09:03,733
You spent government money
on a TV subscription?
227
00:09:04,243 --> 00:09:05,710
It's not TV.
228
00:09:06,345 --> 00:09:08,142
All right. Uh,
Leslie has put together
229
00:09:08,214 --> 00:09:10,079
a presentation for
a financial recovery.
230
00:09:10,149 --> 00:09:11,138
Great.
231
00:09:11,217 --> 00:09:12,343
I think you may find
it very informative.
232
00:09:12,418 --> 00:09:14,045
Let's get started
with our first slide.
233
00:09:14,954 --> 00:09:17,149
"Well, well, well..."
234
00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:24,929
JJ, a few months ago, I came
in here and began eating eggs.
235
00:09:25,197 --> 00:09:26,926
They were delicious,
so I ordered more.
236
00:09:26,999 --> 00:09:28,762
Before long,
I believe I had eaten...
237
00:09:28,834 --> 00:09:30,768
Fifty-one eggs
in 20 minutes.
238
00:09:30,937 --> 00:09:32,234
Couldn't cook them fast enough.
239
00:09:32,305 --> 00:09:33,704
The last 10 were
still in the shell.
240
00:09:33,773 --> 00:09:36,742
It was a JJ's Diner record,
and you took his picture.
241
00:09:36,876 --> 00:09:39,709
Now, we need that picture
for privacy reasons.
242
00:09:39,779 --> 00:09:43,215
Okay. But I don't know how
anybody would know it's you.
243
00:09:43,816 --> 00:09:45,681
We followed your instructions.
244
00:09:47,186 --> 00:09:49,313
That's too much information.
245
00:09:50,389 --> 00:09:52,186
Let's go.
Where are we going now?
246
00:09:52,258 --> 00:09:55,318
I've eaten a lot of food
in a lot of restaurants.
247
00:09:56,262 --> 00:09:58,890
Why is everyone
else so bad at eating?
248
00:09:59,832 --> 00:10:01,959
I only agreed to come back
here because of our deal.
249
00:10:02,034 --> 00:10:04,025
Do you promise to play along?
Yes.
250
00:10:04,103 --> 00:10:05,297
Do you?
Yes.
251
00:10:05,404 --> 00:10:06,632
Hi, you're back.
252
00:10:06,706 --> 00:10:09,402
Hello again. As you
remember, I'm April,
253
00:10:09,475 --> 00:10:12,535
and this is Ann,
my 65-year-old grandmother.
254
00:10:12,645 --> 00:10:14,112
Yes, that's who I am.
255
00:10:14,180 --> 00:10:15,977
Anyway, we'd love
to hear about Bloomington.
256
00:10:16,048 --> 00:10:18,744
It seems like a real
hip kind of college town.
257
00:10:18,818 --> 00:10:21,753
Mee-Maw. God. No one uses
the word "hip" anymore.
258
00:10:21,887 --> 00:10:23,377
Sometimes, I wish you went down
259
00:10:23,456 --> 00:10:25,515
on the Titanic with all
your sorority sisters.
260
00:10:25,591 --> 00:10:27,718
I would be happy to show you
guys around the campus.
261
00:10:27,793 --> 00:10:29,784
Is there anything in particular
that you want to see?
262
00:10:29,862 --> 00:10:32,092
How are your local graveyards?
263
00:10:32,164 --> 00:10:34,257
I have some planning to do.
264
00:10:35,201 --> 00:10:37,294
"You blew it.
Super hard.
265
00:10:37,937 --> 00:10:39,495
"Complete buffoonery.
266
00:10:39,772 --> 00:10:42,172
"It's hilarious,"
and "You deserve it."
267
00:10:42,375 --> 00:10:44,468
You think you might want to take
it easy on them a little bit?
268
00:10:44,543 --> 00:10:47,706
Oh, like they took it easy on us
when they stole all our money
269
00:10:47,780 --> 00:10:48,872
and seceded from our town?
270
00:10:48,948 --> 00:10:51,246
That was 200 years ago.
Cool it.
271
00:10:51,350 --> 00:10:52,908
Fine. I'll skip ahead.
272
00:10:53,419 --> 00:10:55,580
Do you have a plan
that will help us or not?
273
00:10:55,655 --> 00:10:58,123
We have borrowed absolutely
everything we can from the state.
274
00:10:58,190 --> 00:10:59,452
And really...
275
00:10:59,725 --> 00:11:00,851
Pawnee is our only hope.
276
00:11:00,926 --> 00:11:02,052
We do have a plan.
277
00:11:02,128 --> 00:11:06,724
We are willing to provide a
bridge loan for $50,000.
278
00:11:06,832 --> 00:11:09,232
25% interest,
compounded monthly.
279
00:11:09,568 --> 00:11:11,058
And you need to release
a statement that says
280
00:11:11,137 --> 00:11:12,968
that Pawnee rules
and Eagleton drools.
281
00:11:13,039 --> 00:11:14,904
Well, now, you're
just being nasty.
282
00:11:14,974 --> 00:11:17,807
I understand that our towns have
a complicated history, but...
283
00:11:18,911 --> 00:11:20,503
We have a saying in Eagleton.
284
00:11:21,047 --> 00:11:23,914
"You don't kick a dressage horse
after a failed pas de deux."
285
00:11:24,583 --> 00:11:25,572
Whatever, blondie.
286
00:11:25,651 --> 00:11:27,380
Your butler made your bed, and
now you've got to lie in it.
287
00:11:27,453 --> 00:11:28,886
And if you walk out that door,
288
00:11:28,954 --> 00:11:31,286
none of us here,
and I repeat, none of us
289
00:11:31,357 --> 00:11:33,348
will ever help you again.
290
00:11:33,559 --> 00:11:36,027
Oh, my God. They have
Michael Bublé on retainer.
291
00:11:37,129 --> 00:11:39,620
Okay, all public
photos of me recovered,
292
00:11:39,699 --> 00:11:42,293
name plate removed
from my office door,
293
00:11:42,368 --> 00:11:46,464
pediatrician files
confiscated and destroyed.
294
00:11:46,872 --> 00:11:47,861
Anything I'm missing?
295
00:11:47,940 --> 00:11:50,272
Great news, Ron.
Jean-Ralphio loves your shirt.
296
00:11:50,710 --> 00:11:51,938
What the hell are
you talking about?
297
00:11:52,011 --> 00:11:54,571
Oh, I've been taking pictures of you
all day for my new Facebook album.
298
00:11:54,880 --> 00:11:57,110
Getting off the Grid."
299
00:11:58,050 --> 00:12:01,952
Tom. Do you maybe see a problem
with what you've done?
300
00:12:05,257 --> 00:12:07,157
I do now. Yes. Sorry.
301
00:12:08,327 --> 00:12:09,555
Erase.
302
00:12:10,596 --> 00:12:13,064
Erase. Erase.
303
00:12:13,132 --> 00:12:15,396
Erase all pictures of Ron!
304
00:12:15,468 --> 00:12:17,527
Erase all pictures of Ron!
305
00:12:18,738 --> 00:12:21,366
Erase all pictures of Ron!
306
00:12:21,440 --> 00:12:22,907
What the hell is happening?
307
00:12:22,975 --> 00:12:24,772
I think you
accidentally opened up Vine.
308
00:12:24,844 --> 00:12:26,812
You just vined your
first selfie, Ron.
309
00:12:26,879 --> 00:12:28,847
And I'm vining you
vining your selfie.
310
00:12:28,914 --> 00:12:30,905
The world is a nightmare.
311
00:12:31,717 --> 00:12:33,378
Erase all pictures of Ron!
312
00:12:34,620 --> 00:12:35,848
Wait, wait, wait.
313
00:12:35,988 --> 00:12:37,216
Erase all pictures of Ron!
314
00:12:37,890 --> 00:12:40,154
Erase all pictures of Ron!
Erase all pictures of Ron!
315
00:12:41,260 --> 00:12:43,228
The B-Line is
a cool outdoor trail
316
00:12:43,295 --> 00:12:44,626
that cuts right
through downtown.
317
00:12:44,864 --> 00:12:47,731
She said the B-Line
is cool, Mee-Maw.
318
00:12:47,800 --> 00:12:48,892
"Cool" means good.
319
00:12:49,268 --> 00:12:51,395
Thank you, Laura,
for showing us around.
320
00:12:51,470 --> 00:12:53,802
Sure. See you in
a couple weeks, April.
321
00:12:55,174 --> 00:12:57,039
See? This place is great.
322
00:12:57,109 --> 00:12:58,770
Aren't you glad we came back
and talked to her?
323
00:12:58,844 --> 00:13:01,472
No. It was pointless.
I'm not going to school here.
324
00:13:01,547 --> 00:13:04,607
April, don't flake out on this.
You're going to love it here.
325
00:13:04,683 --> 00:13:05,911
Bloomington is great.
326
00:13:05,985 --> 00:13:09,352
It's got culture and music
and tons of youngsters.
327
00:13:09,421 --> 00:13:12,151
"Youngsters"?
Am I 65 years old?
328
00:13:12,358 --> 00:13:14,019
Yeah, I'm not going here.
329
00:13:14,093 --> 00:13:15,583
I don't want to.
Let's leave.
330
00:13:19,131 --> 00:13:20,928
Think fast!
Oh.
331
00:13:21,000 --> 00:13:23,594
Why do people keep assuming
I'm ready to catch things?
332
00:13:25,171 --> 00:13:27,071
"Eagleton, no money,
mo' problems."
333
00:13:27,139 --> 00:13:28,401
Fantastic, right?
334
00:13:28,474 --> 00:13:30,465
I made enough of them for
everybody to wear at the game.
335
00:13:30,543 --> 00:13:32,135
I do like a good internal rhyme.
336
00:13:32,211 --> 00:13:34,406
Ben, you ready for dinner? We
can go over the poll numbers.
337
00:13:34,947 --> 00:13:37,609
Oh. You know, I've got
338
00:13:37,683 --> 00:13:39,514
a few phone calls to make.
Can you give me an hour?
339
00:13:39,819 --> 00:13:41,616
I can meet you there.
340
00:13:41,854 --> 00:13:44,618
Oh, my God.
341
00:13:44,690 --> 00:13:45,679
What is she doing here?
342
00:13:45,758 --> 00:13:48,124
I'm sorry, Leslie, but you didn't
really help them very much.
343
00:13:48,194 --> 00:13:50,890
So, we volunteered to give them
a little financial advice.
344
00:13:50,963 --> 00:13:53,158
You didn't
actually help us at all.
345
00:13:53,232 --> 00:13:54,358
Just one second.
346
00:13:54,433 --> 00:13:55,422
Yeah.
347
00:13:55,901 --> 00:13:57,732
I'm just going to
help them out, okay?
348
00:13:57,803 --> 00:13:59,464
Mmm.
Just for an hour.
349
00:13:59,638 --> 00:14:01,037
He's just being a good neighbor.
350
00:14:01,106 --> 00:14:02,471
We're in a lot of trouble,
Leslie.
351
00:14:02,541 --> 00:14:03,974
I don't need any
lip from you, okay?
352
00:14:04,043 --> 00:14:05,874
You're in trouble because
of your own stupidity.
353
00:14:06,078 --> 00:14:08,672
I have a PhD
from the Sorbonne.
354
00:14:08,747 --> 00:14:10,578
For what?
Wearing Chanel suits?
355
00:14:10,649 --> 00:14:12,549
There was
a fashion component, yes.
356
00:14:13,385 --> 00:14:14,750
I'm not mad that
you're doing this.
357
00:14:14,820 --> 00:14:16,549
Yes, I am mad that
you're doing this.
358
00:14:16,622 --> 00:14:17,611
But even worse, I'm mad
359
00:14:17,690 --> 00:14:19,089
that you just lied to me about it.
Okay, I'm sorry.
360
00:14:19,158 --> 00:14:21,718
We all swore that we weren't going
to ever help her again, ever.
361
00:14:21,894 --> 00:14:23,122
I never said that.
You did.
362
00:14:23,195 --> 00:14:25,356
I speak for all of
us in all matters.
363
00:14:25,631 --> 00:14:27,656
That is what you tacitly
agreed to when you married me.
364
00:14:27,733 --> 00:14:29,098
What?
Yeah. Let's go.
365
00:14:29,168 --> 00:14:31,102
You've changed your mind. You're
not going to help her anymore.
366
00:14:31,170 --> 00:14:33,468
Leslie, I just want to borrow
your husband for the evening.
367
00:14:38,677 --> 00:14:40,907
Can we please talk about
what happened back there?
368
00:14:40,980 --> 00:14:42,811
What, Ann?
I just stole your phone
369
00:14:42,882 --> 00:14:45,282
and texted every guy in it
that the baby was theirs.
370
00:14:45,351 --> 00:14:46,784
It's not that big of a deal.
371
00:14:46,852 --> 00:14:48,251
Listen. I know you
don't believe this,
372
00:14:48,320 --> 00:14:49,947
but I care about your future.
373
00:14:50,589 --> 00:14:52,022
And I'm just
a little disappointed
374
00:14:52,091 --> 00:14:54,286
that you're just not
following through with this.
375
00:14:54,360 --> 00:14:56,521
Yeah, it's not
about following through.
376
00:14:56,595 --> 00:14:59,120
Okay? I was on the fence about
whether I wanted to do it.
377
00:14:59,198 --> 00:15:01,860
And as soon as I got there,
378
00:15:01,934 --> 00:15:04,562
I just had a gut feeling that it
wasn't right for me. That's all.
379
00:15:04,637 --> 00:15:07,299
So, just like that. Boom.
Huge life decision made?
380
00:15:07,373 --> 00:15:09,534
That's how I make
all my life decisions.
381
00:15:09,608 --> 00:15:11,735
My gut is always right.
Okay?
382
00:15:11,911 --> 00:15:13,344
It was right
about marrying Andy,
383
00:15:13,412 --> 00:15:14,674
and it was right when it told me
384
00:15:14,747 --> 00:15:17,181
that you would be the worst person
I would ever meet in my life.
385
00:15:17,616 --> 00:15:19,277
And I've met Guy Fieri, Ann.
386
00:15:19,985 --> 00:15:21,919
So gross.
387
00:15:22,388 --> 00:15:24,049
How do you get your
gut to talk to you?
388
00:15:24,123 --> 00:15:25,818
You don't get your
gut to talk to you.
389
00:15:25,891 --> 00:15:27,859
You just listen
when it says something.
390
00:15:28,527 --> 00:15:31,655
Well, right now, my gut is
saying that we are going to
391
00:15:31,730 --> 00:15:34,062
listen to Mariah Carey
the whole way home.
392
00:15:35,868 --> 00:15:36,857
Good.
393
00:15:49,248 --> 00:15:52,445
Oh. Wow, I'm really surprised you're
sitting on this side of the bleachers,
394
00:15:52,518 --> 00:15:55,112
and not on the Eagleton side with
your new girlfriend, Ingrid.
395
00:15:55,254 --> 00:15:57,245
Leslie, I'm just trying
to help them.
396
00:15:57,323 --> 00:15:59,951
Why? They wouldn't help us
if the tables were turned.
397
00:16:00,192 --> 00:16:03,059
I mean, they're 50 points ahead
and they're still dunking.
398
00:16:03,362 --> 00:16:06,854
I mean, look at this guy. There's
no way he is in high school.
399
00:16:08,901 --> 00:16:10,926
And I'm better at
French horn, too, Eric.
400
00:16:14,139 --> 00:16:16,130
People are going to
lose their jobs, Leslie.
401
00:16:16,208 --> 00:16:18,540
And the recovery
will take years.
402
00:16:18,610 --> 00:16:21,841
Deep down, I think
you feel bad for them.
403
00:16:21,914 --> 00:16:24,144
Okay. I do, a little. Yes.
404
00:16:24,650 --> 00:16:27,551
And I'm sorry that I
blew up at you yesterday.
405
00:16:27,619 --> 00:16:29,780
With all the recall stuff
happening,
406
00:16:29,855 --> 00:16:31,618
I just really need to feel
like you're on my team.
407
00:16:32,191 --> 00:16:35,752
And seeing you with them
made me feel like you weren't.
408
00:16:36,562 --> 00:16:38,427
I'm always going
to be on your team.
409
00:16:38,497 --> 00:16:40,294
You never have to
worry about that.
410
00:16:40,933 --> 00:16:41,922
Defense!
411
00:16:43,035 --> 00:16:44,730
Oh.
412
00:16:45,504 --> 00:16:48,496
Eagleton player number
seven injured on the play.
413
00:16:48,841 --> 00:16:50,502
Official timeout.
414
00:16:50,609 --> 00:16:52,076
Oh, God.
415
00:16:52,144 --> 00:16:53,475
I'm going to say something.
416
00:16:53,545 --> 00:16:55,740
And if I throw up on
you after I say it,
417
00:16:56,115 --> 00:16:57,605
just know you've been warned.
418
00:16:57,683 --> 00:16:59,014
I know how we can help Eagleton.
419
00:17:01,453 --> 00:17:03,080
I don't see what the problem is.
420
00:17:03,155 --> 00:17:05,214
I will give you
a certain amount of gold
421
00:17:05,290 --> 00:17:07,281
in exchange for
a recreational vehicle.
422
00:17:07,359 --> 00:17:09,793
I still need an address
for insurance purposes.
423
00:17:09,962 --> 00:17:11,691
This will be my new home.
424
00:17:11,764 --> 00:17:14,358
The address is
wherever it is parked.
425
00:17:16,168 --> 00:17:17,658
Where have you been?
426
00:17:17,736 --> 00:17:18,760
I had a flat tire,
427
00:17:18,837 --> 00:17:20,737
and I've been trying to get
in touch with you for hours.
428
00:17:21,140 --> 00:17:22,505
Sorry, darling.
429
00:17:22,574 --> 00:17:25,805
I've been busy destroying
most of my personal effects
430
00:17:25,878 --> 00:17:27,869
and threatening a postal worker.
431
00:17:27,946 --> 00:17:29,777
Ron, I know you
value your privacy,
432
00:17:29,848 --> 00:17:31,713
but you are a husband
and a father now.
433
00:17:31,784 --> 00:17:35,345
You can't just roam the streets in
an RV and be impossible to find.
434
00:17:35,421 --> 00:17:37,480
I'm on a mission
to get off the grid.
435
00:17:37,556 --> 00:17:39,421
Well, you don't have to be
entirely on the grid.
436
00:17:39,491 --> 00:17:41,721
But you have to be on our grid.
437
00:17:41,794 --> 00:17:44,092
I suppose you
wouldn't consider moving.
438
00:17:45,431 --> 00:17:47,456
I've heard the school
system in the tunnels
439
00:17:47,533 --> 00:17:49,933
beneath Yucca Mountain
is adequate.
440
00:17:50,002 --> 00:17:51,936
I love you, but your solution
to every problem is
441
00:17:52,004 --> 00:17:53,232
to live inside a mountain.
442
00:17:53,839 --> 00:17:55,500
I love you, too.
443
00:17:56,942 --> 00:17:58,603
Okay.
One more time.
444
00:17:58,677 --> 00:18:01,111
Are you absolutely sure you
want to go through with this?
445
00:18:01,180 --> 00:18:03,410
A lot of people are
going to get angry.
446
00:18:03,482 --> 00:18:05,473
And you might lose
the recall election.
447
00:18:05,551 --> 00:18:08,179
Or if I pull it off,
I just might win.
448
00:18:08,587 --> 00:18:11,852
Plus, a very smart member
of my team pointed out
449
00:18:11,924 --> 00:18:12,913
it's the right thing to do.
450
00:18:13,158 --> 00:18:14,182
Good morning.
451
00:18:14,259 --> 00:18:16,159
After an all-night
strategy session,
452
00:18:16,228 --> 00:18:18,025
the towns of Pawnee and Eagleton
453
00:18:18,097 --> 00:18:21,965
have come up with a potential
solution to Eagleton's budget crisis.
454
00:18:22,468 --> 00:18:25,028
The town of Eagleton
will be dissolved
455
00:18:25,104 --> 00:18:26,765
and re-absorbed into Pawnee.
456
00:18:28,674 --> 00:18:31,142
Pawnee will provide
some government services
457
00:18:31,210 --> 00:18:34,338
as well as taking on
some of Eagleton's debts.
458
00:18:35,647 --> 00:18:38,878
I understand. Look, I hate
Eagletonians as much as you do.
459
00:18:38,951 --> 00:18:40,612
I hate their stupid,
beautiful faces
460
00:18:40,686 --> 00:18:42,711
and their stupid, shiny hair.
461
00:18:42,788 --> 00:18:44,016
We've looked
at every alternative.
462
00:18:44,089 --> 00:18:45,283
This is the only scenario
463
00:18:45,357 --> 00:18:47,188
that prevents Eagleton's
financial crisis
464
00:18:47,259 --> 00:18:49,056
from spiraling
throughout the entire region.
465
00:18:49,128 --> 00:18:50,755
Eagleton is terrible.
466
00:18:50,829 --> 00:18:52,228
Why should I bail them out
467
00:18:52,297 --> 00:18:54,390
with the hard-earned money
from my unemployment check?
468
00:18:54,466 --> 00:18:55,592
Yeah!
469
00:18:55,667 --> 00:18:57,032
Because they are our neighbor,
470
00:18:57,102 --> 00:18:58,228
and they've sprained
their ankle.
471
00:18:58,303 --> 00:19:01,397
And when your neighbor sprains his
ankle, you help him off the court.
472
00:19:01,707 --> 00:19:03,834
I understand you have
concerns and questions,
473
00:19:03,909 --> 00:19:05,900
and we are here
to listen to them.
474
00:19:05,978 --> 00:19:08,037
But.
475
00:19:08,113 --> 00:19:09,171
One at a time, please.
476
00:19:09,648 --> 00:19:11,206
I hate the
one-at-a-time system!
477
00:19:11,283 --> 00:19:12,272
Why should we bail them out?
478
00:19:12,351 --> 00:19:14,216
No one bailed me out
when I got arrested for arson.
479
00:19:14,286 --> 00:19:16,447
You can't just merge two towns.
480
00:19:16,522 --> 00:19:18,046
It's against
the rules of nature.
481
00:19:18,123 --> 00:19:20,353
What's next,
merging a man with his dog?
482
00:19:20,425 --> 00:19:22,620
I live in Eagleton.
And frankly,
483
00:19:22,694 --> 00:19:24,787
I don't like the idea
of living in Pawnee.
484
00:19:25,130 --> 00:19:28,497
They're a little... What's the word?
Have no money.
485
00:19:28,901 --> 00:19:30,459
Oh.
486
00:19:30,536 --> 00:19:32,436
Bertram, that's enough.
487
00:19:33,639 --> 00:19:36,233
First of all,
Eagleton has no money.
488
00:19:36,375 --> 00:19:37,774
Second of all,
489
00:19:37,843 --> 00:19:40,141
they are gracious enough
to throw us a lifeline,
490
00:19:40,212 --> 00:19:42,510
and we should be eternally
grateful for their generosity.
491
00:19:43,448 --> 00:19:45,439
They're a town of angels.
492
00:19:45,817 --> 00:19:47,842
Greasy, denim-clad angels.
493
00:19:48,720 --> 00:19:49,812
Angels, nonetheless.
494
00:19:49,888 --> 00:19:50,912
Yeah, we'll take it.
495
00:19:54,226 --> 00:19:56,626
I mean, did you
steal this from a museum,
496
00:19:56,695 --> 00:19:57,992
or maybe find it frozen in ice?
497
00:19:58,063 --> 00:20:00,759
It looks like the original phone
from the movie Wall Street.
498
00:20:00,866 --> 00:20:03,096
I think it's just
the original phone, period.
499
00:20:03,735 --> 00:20:06,226
Ew, gross, it has buttons.
500
00:20:07,105 --> 00:20:09,232
Okay, girls,
this is a magic phone.
501
00:20:09,608 --> 00:20:11,200
Okay? Only you and I
have got the number.
502
00:20:11,276 --> 00:20:13,642
So, if you ever need
Ron for any reason,
503
00:20:13,712 --> 00:20:15,304
you just call and
he'll be there in a flash.
504
00:20:15,380 --> 00:20:17,644
Yes, I will.
I'll keep it right here.
505
00:20:17,716 --> 00:20:19,274
Snaps right in.
Snug and secure.
506
00:20:19,484 --> 00:20:21,247
A cell phone belt clip?
507
00:20:21,320 --> 00:20:23,015
No, Ron. Oh, my God.
508
00:20:23,155 --> 00:20:25,453
Yeah, I can't be seen with you.
509
00:20:25,757 --> 00:20:28,157
Traveling Ann Perkins,
how was Bloomington?
510
00:20:28,360 --> 00:20:30,351
It was amazing.
511
00:20:30,429 --> 00:20:31,987
They had all the
baby supplies we need.
512
00:20:32,064 --> 00:20:33,759
And then all this
other cool stuff...
513
00:20:33,865 --> 00:20:35,992
They had
a bike-sharing program,
514
00:20:36,068 --> 00:20:38,127
and a vegan
Afghan restaurant, and...
515
00:20:39,471 --> 00:20:42,167
Oh, my God, I'm having one.
I'm having one right now.
516
00:20:42,274 --> 00:20:43,366
A contraction?
No.
517
00:20:43,442 --> 00:20:45,137
Dude, I'm, like,
three months pregnant.
518
00:20:45,210 --> 00:20:47,201
I know.
I'm just so excited.
519
00:20:47,379 --> 00:20:50,007
The thing I'm
having is a gut feeling.
520
00:20:51,049 --> 00:20:52,573
What would you think
about raising our child
521
00:20:52,651 --> 00:20:54,312
somewhere other than Pawnee?
522
00:20:57,422 --> 00:20:58,650
Thank you, Leslie,
523
00:20:58,724 --> 00:21:01,249
from all of us in Eagleton.
524
00:21:01,326 --> 00:21:03,920
Our citizens owe you
a debt of gratitude.
525
00:21:03,996 --> 00:21:05,190
I think, at the end of the day,
526
00:21:05,264 --> 00:21:07,528
everybody realized this is
something we have to do.
527
00:21:07,599 --> 00:21:09,089
On the bright side,
528
00:21:09,167 --> 00:21:10,634
we did win the basketball game.
529
00:21:10,702 --> 00:21:12,533
I think you owe us some apples.
530
00:21:12,604 --> 00:21:13,628
You better pay up.
531
00:21:13,705 --> 00:21:14,797
Oh, you don't want them.
532
00:21:14,873 --> 00:21:16,636
All of Pawnee's apples
have been recalled.
533
00:21:16,708 --> 00:21:17,697
G. Coli.
534
00:21:17,776 --> 00:21:18,765
You mean E. Coli?
535
00:21:18,844 --> 00:21:20,038
I wish.
536
00:21:20,112 --> 00:21:21,136
Way easier to treat.
537
00:21:22,514 --> 00:21:24,175
Welcome to Pawnee!
538
00:21:27,500 --> 00:21:35,500
Ripped By mstoll