1
00:00:01,472 --> 00:00:02,939
(upbeat march plays)
2
00:00:02,973 --> 00:00:05,642
♪ Good morning, USA!
3
00:00:05,676 --> 00:00:09,579
♪ I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪
4
00:00:09,613 --> 00:00:12,549
♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪
5
00:00:12,583 --> 00:00:16,953
♪ And he's shining a salute
to the American race ♪
6
00:00:18,823 --> 00:00:22,258
Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
7
00:00:22,293 --> 00:00:24,260
♪ Good...
♪ Good morning, USA
8
00:00:24,295 --> 00:00:25,762
Aah!
9
00:00:25,882 --> 00:00:30,433
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
10
00:00:30,468 --> 00:00:34,404
("The Star-Spangled Banner"
playing)
11
00:00:34,438 --> 00:00:36,005
(music stops)
12
00:00:36,040 --> 00:00:37,807
Ah, Frankie Scott Key.
13
00:00:37,842 --> 00:00:39,676
You're the white man's
Marvin Gaye.
14
00:00:39,710 --> 00:00:41,611
Amazing sex, Francine.
15
00:00:41,645 --> 00:00:43,880
Yup, you completely
reduced my swelling.
16
00:00:43,914 --> 00:00:45,715
And how was it
for you, Francine?
17
00:00:45,749 --> 00:00:47,817
It was great, right?
Wasn't it so great?
18
00:00:47,852 --> 00:00:49,385
As always, Stan.
19
00:00:49,420 --> 00:00:52,789
It was... fabulous.
Just fabulous.
20
00:00:52,823 --> 00:00:54,491
Couldn't have chosen
a better word.
21
00:00:54,525 --> 00:00:55,959
It was fantastic.
22
00:00:55,993 --> 00:00:57,961
Just think. For 20 years,
23
00:00:57,995 --> 00:01:00,263
I've been taking you
to Satisfaction Avenue.
24
00:01:00,297 --> 00:01:02,065
You know, that's where you...
25
00:01:02,099 --> 00:01:03,633
get off.
26
00:01:03,667 --> 00:01:06,736
And then wait for the next bus,
which comes right on schedule,
27
00:01:06,770 --> 00:01:08,872
every 96 hours.
28
00:01:08,906 --> 00:01:11,574
Uh, yup, that's my stop, baby.
29
00:01:11,609 --> 00:01:13,409
(electrical buzzing
and popping)
30
00:01:13,444 --> 00:01:15,512
Oh, there go the lights again.
31
00:01:15,546 --> 00:01:17,313
I'll check the fuse box.
32
00:01:17,348 --> 00:01:18,581
(match striking)
33
00:01:18,616 --> 00:01:20,483
Whoa, where'd you get
that old candelabra?
34
00:01:20,518 --> 00:01:22,318
Oh, I keep it under the bed.
35
00:01:22,353 --> 00:01:24,354
Next to the flashlight.
36
00:01:25,623 --> 00:01:28,491
(woman giggling)
37
00:01:28,526 --> 00:01:29,993
(man and woman laughing)
38
00:01:30,027 --> 00:01:31,995
(woman laughing)
39
00:01:32,029 --> 00:01:33,596
(both moaning)
40
00:01:33,631 --> 00:01:34,998
(moaning)
(moaning)
41
00:01:35,966 --> 00:01:37,934
(shrieks) Mom,
what are you doing?!
42
00:01:37,968 --> 00:01:42,639
Oh, my, Hayley, who's your
swarthy, chiseled friend?
43
00:01:44,041 --> 00:01:45,775
Mom, this is Mauricio.
44
00:01:45,809 --> 00:01:47,377
We are benefits.
45
00:01:47,411 --> 00:01:48,945
Benefits?
46
00:01:48,979 --> 00:01:52,015
Uh, he means we're friends with
benefits, but we're not friends.
47
00:01:52,049 --> 00:01:54,751
Well, then, just
pretend I'm not here.
48
00:01:55,953 --> 00:01:58,021
All right,
Mom. Creepy.
49
00:01:58,055 --> 00:02:00,089
Come on, Mauricio,
let's go upstairs.
50
00:02:00,124 --> 00:02:03,826
Please. Save your legs
for spasming.
51
00:02:03,861 --> 00:02:05,595
We'll try to keep it down.
52
00:02:05,629 --> 00:02:07,163
(both moaning)
53
00:02:07,198 --> 00:02:08,631
Or don't.
54
00:02:08,666 --> 00:02:10,433
(moaning continues)
55
00:02:10,467 --> 00:02:13,369
It'd be nice to hear someone
have some fun in this house.
56
00:02:14,038 --> 00:02:15,171
(gasps)
57
00:02:15,206 --> 00:02:16,439
Oh, my God!
58
00:02:16,473 --> 00:02:19,342
That seemed to just fly
off the wall all by itself.
59
00:02:19,376 --> 00:02:22,045
Oh, well.
Probably nothing.
60
00:02:34,858 --> 00:02:36,559
Auf Wiedersehen!
(buzzer sounds)
61
00:02:36,594 --> 00:02:39,095
Klaus, you made
me lose my turn!
62
00:02:39,129 --> 00:02:40,296
Sorry, Steve.
63
00:02:40,331 --> 00:02:42,932
I just wanted to say
I'm off to Atlantic City
64
00:02:42,967 --> 00:02:44,534
for a weekend
of motivational workshops
65
00:02:44,568 --> 00:02:47,971
by Deepak Chopra, Phil Jackson,
and George Bush.
66
00:02:48,005 --> 00:02:50,006
The one-termer, not the hero.
67
00:02:50,040 --> 00:02:53,209
This weekend is going
to change my life.
68
00:02:53,244 --> 00:02:54,410
Bye.
69
00:02:54,445 --> 00:02:56,846
Steve, will you remember
to feed my pet smaller fish?
70
00:02:56,880 --> 00:02:58,047
Yeah, yeah, I'm on it.
71
00:02:58,082 --> 00:02:59,048
(phone ringing)
72
00:02:59,083 --> 00:03:01,484
Ooh, that's my shuttle.
73
00:03:01,518 --> 00:03:03,419
This guy's got
a broken funny bone.
74
00:03:03,454 --> 00:03:04,821
(with Cockney accent):
Call NBC.
75
00:03:04,855 --> 00:03:07,090
They'll give him
a half hour, they will.
76
00:03:08,759 --> 00:03:09,892
(buzzer sounds)
77
00:03:09,927 --> 00:03:11,060
What the hell?
78
00:03:11,095 --> 00:03:12,729
Steve, I did not touch the rim.
79
00:03:12,763 --> 00:03:14,697
Yes, you did.
The board buzzed.
80
00:03:14,732 --> 00:03:16,399
I've performed
this very operation
81
00:03:16,433 --> 00:03:18,134
far drunker and on real people!
82
00:03:18,168 --> 00:03:20,136
Something else made
the buzzer go off.
83
00:03:20,170 --> 00:03:22,138
You know, this isn't
the first strange occurrence
84
00:03:22,172 --> 00:03:23,339
in the house lately.
85
00:03:23,374 --> 00:03:26,142
I think this may be the work
of... a ghost.
86
00:03:26,176 --> 00:03:29,445
Roger, that is the lamest excuse
ever to get an extra turn.
87
00:03:29,480 --> 00:03:30,880
I'm serious, Steve.
88
00:03:30,914 --> 00:03:33,716
Things in this house have had
a mind of their own, and...
89
00:03:33,751 --> 00:03:35,952
and I've felt a dark presence
when nobody's there.
90
00:03:35,986 --> 00:03:38,121
And, yes,
I would like another turn.
91
00:03:38,155 --> 00:03:40,390
(scoffs)
There's no such thing as ghosts.
92
00:03:40,424 --> 00:03:42,325
Then how do you explain...
93
00:03:42,359 --> 00:03:43,926
that?
94
00:03:50,534 --> 00:03:52,468
Oh, my God!
95
00:03:52,503 --> 00:03:54,304
I know. Outside
of the commercials,
96
00:03:54,338 --> 00:03:57,006
that's the first time
I've ever seen that game work.
97
00:03:57,041 --> 00:03:59,442
(horn honking)
98
00:03:59,476 --> 00:04:00,743
Here we are, sir.
99
00:04:00,778 --> 00:04:02,245
Oh, what a wonderful room.
100
00:04:02,279 --> 00:04:04,280
Just set me down on the bed.
101
00:04:06,183 --> 00:04:09,252
Ooh, these sheets feel
so good against my bowl.
102
00:04:10,721 --> 00:04:13,823
And could you please put the "Do
not disturb" sign on the door?
103
00:04:13,857 --> 00:04:15,158
Of course, sir.
104
00:04:15,192 --> 00:04:18,928
And if you need anything at all,
my name is Benji.
105
00:04:18,962 --> 00:04:21,297
Thanks, Benji.
106
00:04:21,332 --> 00:04:24,867
ANNOUNCER (on TV): If you're a Parrothead,
try Jimmy Buffet's Key West Saloon,
107
00:04:24,902 --> 00:04:27,537
located downstairs in the lobby.
108
00:04:27,571 --> 00:04:31,107
From world-renowned chef
Gordon Fukayami comes
109
00:04:31,141 --> 00:04:34,510
Roppongi, a bistro house
with a South Asian flair.
110
00:04:34,545 --> 00:04:37,347
And if you're looking
to get your funny bone tickled,
111
00:04:37,381 --> 00:04:42,118
don't miss Rita Rudner's
hilarious live stand-up show.
112
00:04:42,152 --> 00:04:43,753
Do you know the difference
113
00:04:43,787 --> 00:04:46,956
between a government bond
and a man?
114
00:04:46,990 --> 00:04:49,492
The bond matures.
115
00:04:49,526 --> 00:04:51,828
(laughter on TV, Klaus laughs)
116
00:04:51,862 --> 00:04:54,897
Absolutely incredible!
117
00:04:54,932 --> 00:04:56,733
And if it's nightlife
you're after...
118
00:04:56,767 --> 00:04:58,101
Ow! My lower lumbar!
119
00:04:58,135 --> 00:05:00,069
...dance the night away
at our exclusive club...
120
00:05:00,104 --> 00:05:01,170
(groans, gasps)
121
00:05:01,205 --> 00:05:02,338
...Entrancia.
122
00:05:02,373 --> 00:05:04,140
Aah! Damn it!
123
00:05:04,174 --> 00:05:06,509
If you're a Parrothead, try
Jimmy Buffet's Key West Saloon
124
00:05:06,543 --> 00:05:09,178
located downstairs in the lobby.
125
00:05:09,213 --> 00:05:12,715
From world-renowned chef
Gordon Fukayami comes
126
00:05:12,750 --> 00:05:15,752
Roppongi, a bistro house
with a South Asian flair.
127
00:05:15,786 --> 00:05:17,387
Stay calm, Klaus.
The maid will be here soon.
128
00:05:17,421 --> 00:05:18,888
And if you're looking to get
your funny bone tickled...
129
00:05:18,922 --> 00:05:20,690
She'll get some back pills,
and you'll be good to go.
130
00:05:20,724 --> 00:05:23,092
...don't miss Rita Rudner's
hilarious live stand-up show.
131
00:05:23,127 --> 00:05:25,461
RUDNER:
Do you know the difference
132
00:05:25,496 --> 00:05:28,865
between a government bond
and a man?
133
00:05:33,937 --> 00:05:36,672
Roger, we've set up cameras
in every room in the house,
134
00:05:36,707 --> 00:05:38,508
and the only strange activity
we've seen
135
00:05:38,542 --> 00:05:39,976
is stuff we already know about.
136
00:05:40,010 --> 00:05:42,845
Like how Dad pretends he's a
mummy when he's on the toilet.
137
00:05:45,015 --> 00:05:47,016
(toilet flushes)
138
00:05:48,886 --> 00:05:51,187
Also, we know Francine
is way too interested
139
00:05:51,221 --> 00:05:52,588
in Hayley's sex life.
140
00:05:54,691 --> 00:05:56,726
(both moaning)
141
00:05:59,797 --> 00:06:01,998
Is she eating mozzarella
like it's an apple?
142
00:06:02,032 --> 00:06:03,699
Look, Roger, I admit
143
00:06:03,734 --> 00:06:06,636
something may have been here,
but it's gone now.
144
00:06:06,670 --> 00:06:09,071
3:40. No sign
of the ghost.
145
00:06:09,106 --> 00:06:11,808
Really have to pee, but
don't want to miss anything.
146
00:06:11,842 --> 00:06:13,476
Shut your stupid face. Look.
147
00:06:13,510 --> 00:06:15,445
In the basement.
The washing machine.
148
00:06:17,748 --> 00:06:19,749
(creaking, rhythmic rumbling)
149
00:06:23,921 --> 00:06:27,990
It... looks like... Mom!
150
00:06:29,426 --> 00:06:30,660
(screaming)
151
00:06:30,694 --> 00:06:32,061
(both screaming)
152
00:06:32,095 --> 00:06:33,229
Hey, guys.
153
00:06:33,263 --> 00:06:35,498
(both screaming)
154
00:06:35,532 --> 00:06:36,899
(screaming)
155
00:06:36,934 --> 00:06:40,303
3:43. Just peed myself.
156
00:06:41,638 --> 00:06:43,639
Asparagus.
157
00:06:46,851 --> 00:06:48,785
Oh. What did you
wake me up for?
158
00:06:48,819 --> 00:06:50,739
I was having a dream I
owned a collectibles shop.
159
00:06:50,892 --> 00:06:52,927
Was haggling with a kid
about a Grimace glass.
160
00:06:52,961 --> 00:06:54,595
Now, Dad, prepare yourself.
161
00:06:54,629 --> 00:06:58,466
Roger and I found proof
the house is... haunted.
162
00:06:58,500 --> 00:07:00,434
Haunted?! Pl-ease.
163
00:07:00,469 --> 00:07:02,770
As if a pizza guy
has ever been murdered here
164
00:07:02,804 --> 00:07:04,038
and buried under the foundation.
165
00:07:04,072 --> 00:07:05,940
(laughs, sighs)
166
00:07:05,974 --> 00:07:07,842
But nobody's gone
to the cops, right?
167
00:07:07,876 --> 00:07:09,643
What? Stan, no.
168
00:07:09,678 --> 00:07:11,412
I don't know how it's possible,
169
00:07:11,446 --> 00:07:15,182
but this ghost is real,
and it looks just like me!
170
00:07:15,217 --> 00:07:17,385
Well, maybe 20 pounds ago.
171
00:07:17,419 --> 00:07:19,754
Dad, check out this footage
from the basement.
172
00:07:20,789 --> 00:07:22,123
(screaming)
173
00:07:22,157 --> 00:07:23,357
(yells)
174
00:07:23,392 --> 00:07:24,725
That was scary!
175
00:07:24,760 --> 00:07:26,127
But-but fun scary.
176
00:07:26,161 --> 00:07:27,428
It's fun to be scared, huh?
177
00:07:27,462 --> 00:07:30,131
This is phenomenal special
effects work, Steve.
178
00:07:30,165 --> 00:07:31,599
No, it's real.
179
00:07:31,633 --> 00:07:33,267
(eerie whooshing)
180
00:07:33,301 --> 00:07:34,602
It is a ghost.
181
00:07:34,636 --> 00:07:36,337
And it's beautiful.
182
00:07:36,371 --> 00:07:38,906
Whoa, it's chosen me.
It's chosen me.
183
00:07:43,211 --> 00:07:45,913
Ow! That really hurt,
beautiful specter.
184
00:07:47,516 --> 00:07:49,483
This is freaking my deeky out.
185
00:07:49,518 --> 00:07:51,218
All right, that's it.
186
00:07:51,253 --> 00:07:53,354
I'm texting the one person
who can help.
187
00:07:53,388 --> 00:07:54,989
(doorbell rings)
188
00:07:56,024 --> 00:07:57,658
Greetings.
189
00:07:57,692 --> 00:07:59,960
My name is Ruby Zeldastein.
190
00:07:59,995 --> 00:08:02,129
I'm a medium to the other side,
191
00:08:02,164 --> 00:08:04,865
and I make a hell
of a shoofly pie.
192
00:08:06,868 --> 00:08:08,536
Are we really gonna do this?
193
00:08:08,570 --> 00:08:10,571
Do you have a medium character?
194
00:08:12,040 --> 00:08:13,441
(door creaks open)
195
00:08:13,475 --> 00:08:15,342
(inhales deeply through nose)
196
00:08:15,377 --> 00:08:17,878
Oh, there is a presence here.
197
00:08:17,913 --> 00:08:19,880
A very bitter presence.
198
00:08:19,915 --> 00:08:21,649
Full of resentment.
199
00:08:21,683 --> 00:08:23,284
(woman screaming)
200
00:08:23,318 --> 00:08:25,286
(wind whistling)
201
00:08:28,056 --> 00:08:31,392
FRANCINE'S VOICE (distorted):
You're mine now!
202
00:08:31,426 --> 00:08:33,194
(Mauricio yells)
203
00:08:33,228 --> 00:08:35,262
Mauricio!
204
00:08:35,297 --> 00:08:36,997
(items clattering)
205
00:08:37,032 --> 00:08:40,534
Is anyone else still seeing his
junk when they close their eyes?
206
00:08:40,569 --> 00:08:43,704
Yup.
Yup.
207
00:08:46,241 --> 00:08:49,543
What the hell was that thing
that took Mauricio?!
208
00:08:49,578 --> 00:08:51,612
Darling, that was a spirit.
209
00:08:51,646 --> 00:08:53,013
Your spirit.
210
00:08:53,048 --> 00:08:54,748
I'm dead?
211
00:08:54,783 --> 00:08:57,151
Maybe that's why
my nails have stopped growing.
212
00:08:57,185 --> 00:08:59,053
Oh, wait.
There they go.
213
00:08:59,087 --> 00:09:02,223
Not all hauntings are caused
by the dead, child.
214
00:09:02,257 --> 00:09:04,992
Sometimes they're caused
by emotions.
215
00:09:05,026 --> 00:09:07,361
Feelings kept locked away
so long
216
00:09:07,395 --> 00:09:10,865
that they manifest themselves
as a malevolent force.
217
00:09:10,899 --> 00:09:12,233
So it is a poltergeist.
218
00:09:12,267 --> 00:09:13,467
Not quite.
219
00:09:13,502 --> 00:09:15,769
The entity in this house
was born specifically
220
00:09:15,804 --> 00:09:18,072
out of Francine's
sexual frustration.
221
00:09:18,106 --> 00:09:20,074
I like to call it
a "poltergasm."
222
00:09:20,108 --> 00:09:21,642
What are you doing?
223
00:09:21,676 --> 00:09:24,145
I just drew a trademark
sign with my finger, child,
224
00:09:24,179 --> 00:09:26,313
because I've registered
the word "poltergasm."
225
00:09:26,348 --> 00:09:29,517
Any movie scripts you write
based on your experiences here,
226
00:09:29,551 --> 00:09:30,718
Ruby gets a slice.
227
00:09:30,752 --> 00:09:32,153
This is preposterous!
228
00:09:32,187 --> 00:09:34,788
I took Francine to Satisfaction
Avenue just last night.
229
00:09:34,823 --> 00:09:36,690
Oh, I doubt that.
230
00:09:36,725 --> 00:09:38,459
Now, sweetie, try to remember.
231
00:09:38,493 --> 00:09:41,328
When was the last time
your husband satisfied you?
232
00:09:41,363 --> 00:09:43,931
Well, like Stan said,
last night.
233
00:09:43,965 --> 00:09:47,101
Do you know that to be the
only and absolute truth?
234
00:09:47,135 --> 00:09:48,869
And therefore the
Christian truth?
235
00:09:48,904 --> 00:09:51,539
Well... sort of.
236
00:09:51,573 --> 00:09:54,008
It's more like...
237
00:09:54,042 --> 00:09:56,010
Satisfaction Avenue...
238
00:09:56,044 --> 00:09:57,611
adjacent.
239
00:09:57,646 --> 00:09:58,913
Adjacent?!
240
00:09:58,947 --> 00:10:01,515
But when we have sex, you
look just like Meg Ryan
241
00:10:01,550 --> 00:10:03,684
in that scene from
When Harry Met Sally
242
00:10:03,718 --> 00:10:06,420
when... she...
fakes... it.
243
00:10:06,454 --> 00:10:09,690
Oh, my God, I love that movie.
244
00:10:09,724 --> 00:10:11,358
Mom, this makes sense.
245
00:10:11,393 --> 00:10:13,294
The way you look
at Mauricio and me?
246
00:10:13,328 --> 00:10:15,462
You are clearly jealous
and repressed.
247
00:10:15,497 --> 00:10:17,364
Yes, this foul spirit was born
248
00:10:17,399 --> 00:10:19,567
of a lie and nurtured
by repression.
249
00:10:19,601 --> 00:10:20,901
Think back.
250
00:10:20,936 --> 00:10:22,303
When did it all begin?
251
00:10:22,337 --> 00:10:24,371
I guess a couple years ago
252
00:10:24,406 --> 00:10:28,175
when we went to that Sandals
resort for our anniversary.
253
00:10:30,512 --> 00:10:34,281
STAN: Oh, my God, that
was the best sex ever!
254
00:10:34,316 --> 00:10:36,317
Awesome as usual, right?
255
00:10:36,351 --> 00:10:38,419
Be honest.
You got there, didn't you?
256
00:10:38,453 --> 00:10:40,487
Well, actually...
257
00:10:40,522 --> 00:10:42,556
I have really gotten this down
to a science.
258
00:10:42,591 --> 00:10:46,160
I get in, I do what I need
to do, and I get the hell out.
259
00:10:46,194 --> 00:10:48,462
How great was it for you?
So great, right?
260
00:10:54,302 --> 00:10:57,938
It was, Stan.
I-It was the best. Ever.
261
00:10:57,973 --> 00:10:59,540
It was...
262
00:10:59,574 --> 00:11:02,576
fabulous.
(thunder crashing)
263
00:11:04,746 --> 00:11:07,748
(gasps)
God's clapping for me.
264
00:11:09,751 --> 00:11:12,253
You've been faking
it for two years?
265
00:11:12,287 --> 00:11:13,988
(chuckles) Stan,
266
00:11:14,022 --> 00:11:17,258
just because a jack-in-the-box
doesn't pop out
267
00:11:17,292 --> 00:11:20,594
doesn't mean I don't enjoy
you cranking the handle.
268
00:11:20,629 --> 00:11:23,597
Don't touch me. I
don't satisfy anymore.
269
00:11:23,632 --> 00:11:25,799
I'm the opposite
of Snickers!
270
00:11:25,834 --> 00:11:28,836
I'm sorry I'm not packed
with peanuts, Francine!
271
00:11:28,870 --> 00:11:30,838
(Stan crying)
272
00:11:30,872 --> 00:11:35,109
All this talk about satisfying's
getting my girdle all gooey.
273
00:11:35,143 --> 00:11:37,378
I think I'm wearing it wrong.
274
00:11:37,412 --> 00:11:40,314
ANNOUNCER: And if you're looking
to get your funny bone tickled,
275
00:11:40,348 --> 00:11:44,418
don't miss Rita Rudner's
hilarious live stand-up show.
276
00:11:44,452 --> 00:11:46,220
RUDNER AND KLAUS:
Do you know the difference
277
00:11:46,254 --> 00:11:49,823
between a government bond
and a man?
278
00:11:49,858 --> 00:11:52,393
The bond matures.
279
00:11:52,427 --> 00:11:55,462
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Absolutely incredible!
Absolutely incredible.
280
00:11:55,497 --> 00:11:58,065
ANNOUNCER: And if it's
nightlife you're after,
281
00:11:58,099 --> 00:12:03,003
dance the night away at
our exclusive club, Entrancia.
282
00:12:03,038 --> 00:12:07,408
If you're a Parrothead, try
Jimmy Buffett's Key West Saloon
283
00:12:07,442 --> 00:12:09,443
located downstairs in the lobby.
284
00:12:09,477 --> 00:12:13,447
From world-renowned chef Gordon Fukayami
comes Roppongi, (inhales deeply)
285
00:12:13,481 --> 00:12:17,017
a bistro house with a South Asian flair.
(back cracks, Klaus screams)
286
00:12:17,052 --> 00:12:19,887
And if you're looking to get
your funny bone tickled,
287
00:12:19,921 --> 00:12:24,558
don't miss Rita Rudner's
hilarious live stand-up show.
288
00:12:24,592 --> 00:12:26,312
RUDNER AND KLAUS:
Do you know the difference
289
00:12:26,328 --> 00:12:29,396
between a government bond
and a man?
290
00:12:29,431 --> 00:12:31,999
The bond matures.
291
00:12:32,033 --> 00:12:35,636
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Absolutely incredible!
Absolutely incredible.
292
00:12:36,871 --> 00:12:41,208
Benji!
293
00:12:45,480 --> 00:12:48,115
Mauricio, be strong!
294
00:12:48,149 --> 00:12:51,385
Just follow the rope
into the light!
295
00:12:54,022 --> 00:12:56,657
You did it!
296
00:12:56,691 --> 00:12:58,692
I'm a-free!
297
00:13:02,864 --> 00:13:04,331
Mauricio, no!
298
00:13:04,366 --> 00:13:07,334
This problem is far worse
than I first sensed.
299
00:13:07,369 --> 00:13:09,536
Your mother's poltergasm--
trademarked--
300
00:13:09,571 --> 00:13:13,273
has got Mauricio in its claws
like that claw game at arcades,
301
00:13:13,308 --> 00:13:15,275
except, you know,
if the claw was strong
302
00:13:15,310 --> 00:13:16,810
and didn't drop things.
303
00:13:16,845 --> 00:13:19,146
So pretty much not
that claw game.
304
00:13:19,180 --> 00:13:20,647
Ruby, what...
A-Are you saying
305
00:13:20,682 --> 00:13:22,383
there's no way
to get Mauricio back?
306
00:13:22,417 --> 00:13:25,786
I'm sorry, child, but this
spirit is not gonna be satisfied
307
00:13:25,820 --> 00:13:27,388
until your mother is.
308
00:13:27,422 --> 00:13:29,590
And since your father
isn't up to the task,
309
00:13:29,624 --> 00:13:32,126
I'm not sure who is.
STEVE: Well...
310
00:13:32,160 --> 00:13:34,995
Ah...
311
00:13:36,498 --> 00:13:38,065
Oh, no. Gross.
312
00:13:38,099 --> 00:13:40,167
I just need a new belt.
313
00:13:40,201 --> 00:13:41,568
I just don't get it.
314
00:13:41,603 --> 00:13:43,437
I did everything right.
315
00:13:43,471 --> 00:13:46,240
I can't help but feel
this is her fault.
316
00:13:46,274 --> 00:13:48,075
Dad, you have
to snap out of it.
317
00:13:48,109 --> 00:13:50,244
You got to get Mom
where she needs to get to.
318
00:13:50,278 --> 00:13:52,413
I can't, Hayley. I
don't know what to do.
319
00:13:52,447 --> 00:13:55,916
If only there was some sort
of kindly robot or magic wand
320
00:13:55,950 --> 00:13:57,418
that could pleasure my wife.
321
00:13:57,452 --> 00:13:59,219
But we live in the real world.
322
00:13:59,254 --> 00:14:01,889
Dad, look around you.
The ghost is getting stronger.
323
00:14:01,923 --> 00:14:03,690
You have to satisfy Mom.
324
00:14:03,725 --> 00:14:05,025
You're right.
325
00:14:05,059 --> 00:14:07,094
But I clearly don't know
what I'm doing anymore.
326
00:14:07,128 --> 00:14:08,695
You just need to get some help.
327
00:14:08,730 --> 00:14:10,697
A book or the Internet...
328
00:14:10,732 --> 00:14:15,235
Or an oversexed hippie who
just happens to be my daughter.
329
00:14:15,270 --> 00:14:18,839
Hayley, you are
gonna be my sex coach.
330
00:14:18,873 --> 00:14:21,642
Well, that really backfired
on me, didn't it?
331
00:14:26,873 --> 00:14:28,840
(wind howling)
332
00:14:28,875 --> 00:14:30,571
Okay, Dad, we're running
out of time.
333
00:14:30,840 --> 00:14:32,774
Tonight's the night
you have to please Mom,
334
00:14:32,809 --> 00:14:33,976
and we're gonna help.
335
00:14:34,010 --> 00:14:35,911
All right, let's do this.
336
00:14:35,945 --> 00:14:38,080
What's my name?
What are we talking about?
337
00:14:38,114 --> 00:14:39,815
All right, let's do this.
338
00:14:39,849 --> 00:14:41,750
Ruby and I will fix up
your bedroom
339
00:14:41,784 --> 00:14:43,685
to look just like
your anniversary suite.
340
00:14:43,720 --> 00:14:46,421
By recreating the night
the poltergasm was born
341
00:14:46,456 --> 00:14:48,957
but changing the
outcome, it will expel
342
00:14:48,992 --> 00:14:52,527
the foul horny spirit
from this family.
343
00:14:54,097 --> 00:14:56,798
Nobody's questioning that
and we're moving on.
344
00:14:56,833 --> 00:14:59,468
I call tonight the Sexorcism.
345
00:14:59,502 --> 00:15:02,004
Now, that's really trademarked,
because I found out
346
00:15:02,038 --> 00:15:04,339
that somebody else already
had "poltergasm" trademarked
347
00:15:04,374 --> 00:15:06,375
and now I'm in hot water.
348
00:15:06,409 --> 00:15:07,976
Let's start your training, Dad.
349
00:15:08,011 --> 00:15:10,846
First things first, what
do you do before sex?
350
00:15:10,880 --> 00:15:13,248
What do you mean?
Before sex I'm at work.
351
00:15:13,283 --> 00:15:14,883
(whistles)
352
00:15:14,918 --> 00:15:17,920
(John Cafferty's
"Hearts on Fire" playing)
353
00:15:47,917 --> 00:15:49,918
(dinging)
354
00:15:58,561 --> 00:16:00,529
This looks just like
our anniversary suite.
355
00:16:00,563 --> 00:16:02,130
It even smells like it.
356
00:16:02,165 --> 00:16:04,800
This beach-scented candle
from CVS
357
00:16:04,834 --> 00:16:07,536
is guaranteed to grease the beef
or your money back.
358
00:16:07,570 --> 00:16:10,038
But I stole this one,
so don't try to return it.
359
00:16:10,073 --> 00:16:12,040
You guys have done a great job.
360
00:16:12,075 --> 00:16:14,376
I just don't know if
I can pull this off.
361
00:16:14,410 --> 00:16:16,311
Dad, just remember
what you learned today
362
00:16:16,346 --> 00:16:18,113
and everything will be fine.
363
00:16:18,147 --> 00:16:20,048
FRANCINE:
Hi, Stan.
364
00:16:20,083 --> 00:16:22,617
(studio audience whooping)
365
00:16:22,652 --> 00:16:25,988
ANNOUNCER: American Dad is filmed
in front of a live studio audience.
366
00:16:28,324 --> 00:16:31,126
AUDIENCE MEMBER:
Yeah, Stan!
367
00:16:32,729 --> 00:16:35,197
(birds chirping)
368
00:16:35,231 --> 00:16:36,865
I don't want that cup.
369
00:16:36,899 --> 00:16:39,801
Why would I want a non-mint
condition Grimace cup?
370
00:16:39,836 --> 00:16:42,471
Your selection is shoddy.
371
00:16:42,505 --> 00:16:45,674
Wake up, children.
Look around you.
372
00:16:45,708 --> 00:16:47,709
Everything's back to normal.
373
00:16:53,649 --> 00:16:56,284
I just acted so heterosexual
374
00:16:56,319 --> 00:16:59,621
that I needed something phallic
in my mouth to even things out.
375
00:16:59,655 --> 00:17:03,291
I just knew my Stan the Man
would take me there.
376
00:17:03,326 --> 00:17:05,293
(cheering)
377
00:17:05,328 --> 00:17:07,162
If you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go downstairs
378
00:17:07,196 --> 00:17:08,697
and work on my skateboard.
379
00:17:08,731 --> 00:17:12,334
I think today I just
might finish it.
380
00:17:14,570 --> 00:17:17,539
Wait a minute.
If Dad did the job, then...
381
00:17:17,573 --> 00:17:20,575
where's Mauricio?
(thunder crashes)
382
00:17:22,345 --> 00:17:24,546
(cracking, creaking)
383
00:17:24,580 --> 00:17:25,547
(shouts)
384
00:17:26,582 --> 00:17:28,750
What do you want from me?!
385
00:17:28,785 --> 00:17:30,285
You got your big "O"!
386
00:17:30,319 --> 00:17:34,556
No... "O"...!
387
00:17:38,561 --> 00:17:40,695
Come on! Let's get out of here!
388
00:17:45,802 --> 00:17:48,703
(grunting)
It won't budge!
389
00:17:48,738 --> 00:17:50,572
The kitchen door!
Let's go!
390
00:17:52,375 --> 00:17:53,842
We're trapped!
391
00:17:53,876 --> 00:17:55,610
(screaming)
392
00:17:57,613 --> 00:18:00,015
The Halloween decorations!
393
00:18:02,085 --> 00:18:03,985
Devil Austin Powers!
394
00:18:04,020 --> 00:18:05,987
Happy Halloween, baby.
395
00:18:06,022 --> 00:18:08,023
(chuckles)
396
00:18:08,057 --> 00:18:10,058
(thunder crashing)
397
00:18:11,761 --> 00:18:14,396
The walls!
They're closing in!
398
00:18:14,430 --> 00:18:16,264
And the house is sinking, too!
399
00:18:16,299 --> 00:18:19,267
It's a twofer!
It's a terrible twofer!
400
00:18:19,302 --> 00:18:21,736
You lied! I shook
the headboard
401
00:18:21,771 --> 00:18:23,738
but I couldn't curl your toes!
402
00:18:23,773 --> 00:18:25,740
I'm sorry!
403
00:18:25,775 --> 00:18:31,646
POLTERGASM: No one shall
find release until I do!
404
00:18:31,681 --> 00:18:33,982
Dad, what did you do wrong?!
405
00:18:34,016 --> 00:18:35,817
I don't know!
Probably everything!
406
00:18:35,852 --> 00:18:38,987
Well, you're gonna have to
give it one more money shot!
407
00:18:39,021 --> 00:18:40,655
It's our only hope!
408
00:18:40,690 --> 00:18:42,991
(moans) I can't perform
under these conditions!
409
00:18:43,025 --> 00:18:44,292
(Roger shouts)
(Stan grunts)
410
00:18:44,327 --> 00:18:45,560
I'm not going out like this!
411
00:18:45,595 --> 00:18:47,329
This is Mexican Tar Viagra!
412
00:18:47,363 --> 00:18:48,330
Now down it!
413
00:18:48,364 --> 00:18:50,832
(grunts, groans)
They taste terrible.
414
00:18:50,867 --> 00:18:52,501
That's 'cause
they're suppositories.
415
00:18:52,535 --> 00:18:54,136
Okay, honey.
Let's do this.
416
00:18:54,170 --> 00:18:57,139
I need to get you there,
and we're running out of time.
417
00:19:00,276 --> 00:19:02,911
I'm sorry, Stan.
This isn't working.
418
00:19:02,945 --> 00:19:04,846
And if we're really gonna die,
419
00:19:04,881 --> 00:19:07,582
can we at least
just take things slow?
420
00:19:07,617 --> 00:19:10,418
What do you mean?
Oh, Stan, don't you remember?
421
00:19:10,453 --> 00:19:12,721
We used to take all night long.
422
00:19:12,755 --> 00:19:14,756
You used to kiss my neck.
423
00:19:14,790 --> 00:19:16,191
Really? Why?
424
00:19:16,225 --> 00:19:19,294
Because it was never
about finishing the race;
425
00:19:19,328 --> 00:19:21,296
it was about running it.
426
00:19:21,330 --> 00:19:24,699
But somewhere along the way--
I don't know--
427
00:19:24,734 --> 00:19:27,903
you just started treating
our sex like it was...
428
00:19:27,937 --> 00:19:30,839
another one of your missions.
429
00:19:30,873 --> 00:19:32,908
Oh, my God. You're right.
430
00:19:32,942 --> 00:19:34,743
I do do that.
431
00:19:34,777 --> 00:19:36,344
Honey, I'm so sorry.
432
00:19:36,379 --> 00:19:40,048
That's okay.
Just... kiss my neck.
433
00:19:42,552 --> 00:19:44,986
(rumbling stops)
It's working!
434
00:19:45,021 --> 00:19:48,190
I just remembered I also used
to blow in your ear!
435
00:19:48,224 --> 00:19:50,926
(blows air)
Oh, Stan.
436
00:19:50,960 --> 00:19:54,396
That really turns me on.
(blows air)
437
00:19:54,430 --> 00:19:57,199
Francine, why didn't you tell
me you were so unsatisfied?
438
00:19:57,233 --> 00:19:58,533
I don't know!
439
00:19:58,568 --> 00:20:01,203
I guess I was afraid
of hurting your feelings.
440
00:20:01,237 --> 00:20:03,071
Now lick my neck
441
00:20:03,105 --> 00:20:06,875
and tell me I'm your favorite
horse in the stable!
442
00:20:06,909 --> 00:20:09,544
You're my favorite horse
on the whole frontier.
443
00:20:09,579 --> 00:20:11,379
(neighs, pants)
444
00:20:11,414 --> 00:20:13,215
Now talk like you're
the Monopoly guy!
445
00:20:13,249 --> 00:20:15,717
(à la Thurston Howell): Oh, you freak.
You lovable freak.
446
00:20:15,751 --> 00:20:17,352
Keep telling me what to do.
447
00:20:17,386 --> 00:20:21,089
I didn't say Thurston Howell!
I said the Monopoly guy!
448
00:20:21,123 --> 00:20:23,225
(kissing sounds)
(Francine screams)
449
00:20:23,259 --> 00:20:26,895
(Francine yodeling)
450
00:20:26,929 --> 00:20:28,930
(bell rings)
451
00:20:31,734 --> 00:20:33,735
MAURICIO:
I'm a-free!
452
00:20:35,871 --> 00:20:38,873
Bull's-eye.
(door creaks)
453
00:20:40,076 --> 00:20:43,645
This house... is clean.
454
00:20:43,679 --> 00:20:45,914
But as for those sheets...
455
00:20:45,948 --> 00:20:48,717
babadababadababadababada-
456
00:20:48,751 --> 00:20:51,720
babadababada-
babadababada-
457
00:20:51,754 --> 00:20:54,756
babadababadababadababada...
458
00:20:58,133 --> 00:21:01,135
Oh, Klaus, I heard you were
in Atlantic City.
459
00:21:01,169 --> 00:21:03,871
Did you try
that new restaurant Roppongi?
460
00:21:03,905 --> 00:21:05,339
I didn't go there to eat.
461
00:21:05,374 --> 00:21:07,174
I went there to improve myself.
462
00:21:07,209 --> 00:21:08,676
Which I did do.
463
00:21:08,710 --> 00:21:09,944
Oh, yeah? In what way?
464
00:21:09,978 --> 00:21:11,445
I'm just better, okay?!
465
00:21:11,480 --> 00:21:13,648
Klaus, chill out.
We're all happy for you.
466
00:21:13,682 --> 00:21:15,249
Well, it doesn't sound
like that.
467
00:21:15,283 --> 00:21:18,273
Geez, you guys need to be more
like a government bond...
468
00:21:18,376 --> 00:21:19,810
and mature.
(chuckles)
469
00:21:19,844 --> 00:21:23,598
Klaus, that's pretty funny.
Did you just think of that?
470
00:21:23,814 --> 00:21:26,798
I've been thinking
about it for a few days.
471
00:21:27,146 --> 00:21:28,810
Bye! Have a beautiful time.
472
00:21:28,930 --> 00:21:33,163
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com