[PANTING] Ripped By mstoll
That is how you have sex, America.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
What's happening in here is amazing.
Like I wanna film it, but I don't wanna film it, because that would be porn.
And that time I think I figured out what that thing underneath the thing was.
- Yeah, you did. - And whoa, right?
Yeah. Whoa.
Hey, should we take a break and, like, talk about our childhoods or something?
You know, get in there, get into it, get into each other's heads.
Dreams, thoughts, fears, feelings.
[MUTTERING]
- No? - I'm gonna throw a curveball.
I'm gonna go banana it and then I'll be ready for round two.
Define "banana it."
- Eat a banana. - Oh, God.
- I was worried for a second. - Ha-ha-ha.
What are Nick and Jess doing in there? And how is it this loud?
Nick's body is so soft, it should absorb sound.
They're just getting warmed up, Schmidt. It's a whole new ball game around here.
See, you haven't been here in weeks.
Now that you're single, you gotta deal with this too.
Dumped by two women in the same day. That has gotta be a record.
I get it. I lost two perfect women, but I'm fine with it.
You could have been happy with either one, but now you're by yourself.
- Winston, I'm fine, please. - That has to hurt.
This is my home too. I shouldn't have to face...
...their stupid, happy relationship everywhere I look.
This is going to stop, Winston. And I'm gonna stop it.
Well, my advice to you is to stay in your foxhole, keep your head down...
...and invest in one of these babies.
Watch your butt, Furguson.
This is my survival kit. Check this out, man.
Blindfold. Got this bell, I wrap it around my neck so they can hear when I'm coming.
Every couple has a weakness. Kate and Will? I could break them up.
- "Royal baby living with slutty Aunt Pippa." - They're bulletproof.
Um, I have to show Nick something in the bathroom.
Yeah, it's tiles.
I'm so bad at lying.
It's for sex.
Go. Go make love in our communal shower.
Enjoy it now, you little bunnies.
What?
Wanna see a magic trick?
- Who's that girl? CHORUS: Who's that girl?
It's Jess
[NICK & JESS LAUGHING]
- I like your chewing face. - It's just food.
- That's all it is, okay? - I know it's annoying to be around a couple.
- It's not me at all. It's him. - Who...? Oh.
Oh, God.
Look at him. Yeah, we had a tough day today at the V-E-T.
They said he's gonna have to get... It rhymes with "flutered."
- The word is "neutered." - Cats don't speak English.
Furguson's never gonna experience actual, physical lovemaking.
- You're too into your cat. - He should be out there.
Just getting all crazy, getting his freak on. I feel bad, man. I don't know what to do.
Let's try to help. We got three smart people here. We all know we gotta get Furguson laid.
- Cat bachelor party. - That's right.
- What do you think? - Get cat strippers.
Big booty cats, little booty cats.
Some tabbies.
Some black ones, some white ones. Mix it up.
- Get a couple Siamese, get weird with it. - Get him laid.
- You know we're kidding. - Sure, sure, sure, got you.
[WHISPERS] It's happening.
Oh. Look. It's you. And you.
Is that a cake? Why do you have a sheet cake?
Don't eat the cake, Jess.
What is that, like, vanilla and vanilla?
I just wanted to wish you guys a happy one-month anniversary. Hip, hip.
You said you wanted to break us up if it took your whole life.
I understand I'm not your favorite person right now.
But I didn't want a milestone in your relationship like this to go uncelebrated.
You're really great together.
I don't trust him.
I know. It's Schmidt we're talking about.
After he saw the movie Titanic he started the Billy Zane fan club.
- What? - Look it up, they're called the Zaniacs.
Why does that make me angrier than anything he's ever done?
- I will handle this. - Okay.
And I'm gonna test this cake because I'm so mad at Schmidt.
- Hey, dummy, why'd you get us that cake? - Come on, man, I'm just happy for you.
Look at that, a month? My big month man.
How many relationships have you had that lasted a month?
- I don't know. Some. - Probably very few. Very, very few, right?
- I mean, you think it's less than two? - One.
- It's Caroline. You know that. - Are you kidding me?
That's insane. That's so few.
But I guess you only need one, right? The one. Too soon?
- I'm really happy. - You should be. You're like a different guy.
Usually at this point you're over-thinking, anxious and panicky and over-thinking...
...and over-thinking and distant and nervous and sweaty and over-thinking.
- Trying to get in my head. Not gonna work. - Who could, man? Look at you.
You're cool as a cucumber.
You're Obama on the ski slopes. Now, get out there.
Enjoy that cake with the woman that you love. Too soon? Forget about it.
- Good talk. - Yeah.
- What's wrong? - Nothing.
[CHUCKLES]
Uh-oh.
Looks like we have a little Groundhog Day situation.
Please don't call it a Groundhog Day situation.
Six more weeks of winter.
Don't worry. Lie back. I'm gonna take care of this.
This has never happened in my whole life, just so you know.
It's cool. What can I do to help?
I don't know, maybe think outside of the box.
[WHISPERING] A little chicken kebab with rice.
Choice of naan or chutney.
What is this I'm feeling?
- How about we...? - Shh. Oh. I had it.
Reverse psychology.
I'm not attracted to you. I don't think you're sexy.
Don't wanna have sex with you.
- I think you're a fat, fat, fatty fat... - Okay!
Who we are
[HUMMING]
So let's raise the bar
Oh, yeah.
- Papa Smurf? Really? - Whole body.
- Are you sure? Okay. - Yes. Hey.
- This will work, okay? Do it. - Okay. Okay.
[GROANS THEN JESS SCREAMS]
Well, at least the sun managed to get up.
[GROANS]
- I need to go move my car. - I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.
Are we not kidding about this?
[DOOR SLAMS SHUT]
WINSTON: Does she have all her shots?
- Yup. - Cool, cool.
Um, let me ask you this, does she strike you as, I don't know, slutty?
Excuse me. I'm here to pick up Fatty from her grooming?
There you are. Who are you here to pick up?
Well, actually, my boy cat is looking for a girl cat.
Oh. Ha, ha.
Well, I might know a girl cat who's looking for a boy cat.
Oh, yeah?
Well, does the girl cat have all her parts?
Um...
- Yeah, ha, ha. WINSTON: Yes?
Okay, well, uh, I don't know, maybe she could come over sometime?
Like, our cats could go on a date?
Yes. You get it. You know, everyone else thought I was being weird.
So, um, how often do you groom your cat?
- I talked to my mom about it and my... - I've gotta move my car.
Hey, no, it's important we talk about these things, Nick.
NICK: I'm moving my car!
[DOOR SLAMS SHUT]
Hello.
Nick looks exhausted.
You guys obviously had a good night.
Yeah, um, but we didn't sleep much.
Well, of course you didn't, you mangy stray.
I don't wanna talk about it. Especially not with you.
I know. And I also realize that it's gonna be a long time for me to regain your trust.
I just think it's sad because if you did have a Nick problem...
...I probably could help you out.
You know, my diploma says I majored in Communications...
...but my heart says that I majored in Nicholas Studies.
I'm just saying.
I love the morning. Anything's possible. The whole day's ahead of you, you know?
Last night Nick struggled with impotence. Oh, my God.
I'm not talking to you about this.
Look, I get it. You don't want my help. But do me a favor, please.
Let me know when you're not mad anymore...
...so I can tell you about how men crave danger and variety in their sexual lives.
I just hope it's not too late. Fingers crossed.
What are you talking about? I mean, I don't care, but if I did...
...theoretically. - Theoretically...
...I would tell you for a man whose midsection is basically mush...
...Nick has had a lot of sex. He's pushed that mush all over town.
And, you know what, he's got some very weird taste. Dark. Real fringe stuff.
He likes stuff that they don't even have porn for.
You know, a lot of women wouldn't think to do the Captain in bed.
- What? - That was a mistake. I shouldn't have...
I didn't wanna talk about the Captain, I'm sorry. Want a smoothie?
What's the Captain?
It starts off with...
[WHIRRING LOUDLY]
[INDISTINCT DIALOGUE]
[BLENDER STOPS]
You wanna clean yourself up immediately. I mean immediately.
And then...
[BLENDER WHIRRING LOUDLY]
How comfortable are you with racial slurs?
Then...
[BLENDER WHIRRING LOUDLY]
And that's basically it.
That's what Nick wants in bed?
Look, you're probably not up for it. It's my fault.
It's very degrading, it's offensive, and you don't have time to learn the dolphin sounds.
Are you sure you don't want some of this smoothie? It's strawbana.
Furguson, this is a big moment in your life, all right? Just be yourself, dog.
Winston, I think I found a way to...
Wanna try some catnip?
This is a real bummer.
Ahoy, Nicholas.
[JESS MIMICS FOGHORN]
NICK: Wait. I'm scared!
- Hey. - Hey.
- I'm so glad you could make it. - Thanks.
Let's head to my room.
- You're not wasting any time. - No, it's just I have very judgy roommates.
They might get weirded out if they walked in, saw something they weren't supposed to.
Of course, whatever Fatty wants. What do you want, Fatty?
Fatty wants to see your room.
That's awesome. Great news. You hear that? Y'all go play.
KYLIE: Here you go. - He was nervous.
- Well, good thing I brought this. - Yeah, we can't give wine to these cats.
It's been a tough six months and this cat needs a drink, so...
Okay. I don't think they care. They're not listening at all.
- Too into each other. - Yeah.
Nick, we have to talk about this, okay?
All right, I'll go first.
Listen, I was uncomfortable with some of the specifics of what we just did.
For example, when I said, "You like that, huh?"
I felt like you really, really didn't like it. How do you feel?
I just...
[STAMMERS]
I feel like, you know...
No, it's just kind of like, because, I mean...
[MUMBLING]
It was good. You know, it's over.
Let sleeping birds die.
I just wanna know what I did wrong. How does the Captain normally go?
- The what? - The Captain. What we just did.
I've never done that in my life. We did that because you wanted to.
- What? Why would I want to do that? - Yeah.
That's degrading to not only women, but all of mankind, Nick.
I only did that because Schmidt told me it was your favorite thing...
- Did you say because Schmidt said...? - No, don't...
Did you just...? Did you talk to tight pants and eyebrows about...
Who was I supposed to talk to, Nick?
I tried to talk about your penis problems, you went to move your car.
I don't have penis problems.
What is...? Did you talk to Winston about my penis probs?
- What about Cece? - Wasn't around.
- Schmidt told me he had a PhD in Nickology. - He doesn't. There's no...
We have to talk about feelings. We're together.
If we needed to talk about feelings, they would be called "talkings."
- No, that is not true. - That is 100 percent...
This is it. This is Schmidt getting in our heads. I'm gonna kill him!
- Jessica, wait. JESS: Schmidt!
I can't run that fast! The Captain!
I trusted you. You took advantage of me.
- Something wrong? - You set us up.
- I've done things to Nick I can't ever undo. - You see, your fatal flaw.
Communication.
You won't shut up about your feelings. Only thing this dummy talks about...
...is the Chicago Brown Bears. - Just Chicago Bears.
Who cares? I put a pebble in your path, and the two of you cracked your skulls on it.
By the way, how was the Captain? Did you make it to the spyglass?
Yes, Schmidt, and my night vision's very good...
...because my eyes are so buggy and big.
I saw everything, and I can't erase it from memory.
Please, Jess, stop talking.
Why don't we go back to being roommates?
Nick, what do you say? The floor is yours.
- You wanna tell us how you feel? - Me?
SCHMIDT: Yeah.
Well, I think it's... I just...
Beautifully said. Thank you, Nick. Enjoy the breakup.
If you need me, I'll be in my room listening to some mainstream hip-hop.
Stop.
I have feelings.
I didn't like when you did the Captain. It made me feel...
...bad. - Okay, I've never seen this sober before...
Stop. It's my turn. You talk too much and it frustrates me.
Sometimes you talk even after you've fallen asleep.
How do you breathe? Where do you get the words? It doesn't matter, Jess...
...because I like you a lot.
But maybe do that less, okay?
Nick, I just feel... I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry. Just keep going.
I don't know.
I really like the instrument of the cello. I like the cello a lot and I don't talk about it a lot.
But I should because I feel very passionate about it.
It's a beautiful instrument. It's like a guitar, but it stands up.
I once saw a zebra named Gavin give birth at the zoo and I cried hysterically.
I bought one of those stretched-out pennies to remember it. Then lost that and cried again.
Sometimes when I smell dust in an attic or something...
...that mothy, dusty... I think about my mother.
When I was 14, I saw my mother change...
...and I saw her naked without underpants on.
I like when rap songs use a choir. It makes me happy.
When the ladies' voices come in and then the guy's rapping, it's awesome.
- I'm proud of you, Nick. - I really like you.
JESS: I like you too.
And it's been a month and I'm not scared.
Unless you're doing the Captain, and then I experience very real fear.
- And it's very visceral... - Just kiss me.
No kissing in the living room.
No, no, no.
Cease lovemaking. All lovemaking must cease.
JESS: Get out of here, Schmidt. - Break up!
Just break up already, pl... Forget it.
JESS: Hey, no, no, no. SCHMIDT: I'm stopping it now.
- Oh, my God, you just hit my sack! - Body block!
I'm pure core. I've been training for this. Yeah, human dental dam.
[NICK YELLING INDISTINCTLY]
So, what do you do for fun?
Huh? Oh, um...
- You know, all the things. - Like what? Tell me one.
NICK: Get out! - I'm sorry, do you hear noise?
- Do you hear shouting? I'm just... - Yeah.
WINSTON: No, no, no.
[YELLS]
Who the hell messed up the mood?
- Schmidt. Schmidt. - Hey.
- Put down my condoms. - Pull it together, Schmidt.
- It's raining celibacy. Hallelujah. - You're losing it.
If I'm not having sex in this loft, nobody's having sex in this loft.
- No, hey. - Hey, hey.
My birth control pills.
- You don't wanna do this, my man. - Yes, I do wanna do this.
Get this place back the way that it was.
- Put them down. Give them to me. - Give them to Jess. It's not worth it.
- No fear! Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. JESS: Oh, my God.
Why didn't you just throw them in the sink, you idiot?
- Pray that was a placebo week. - Is he eating birth control pills?
Friday. Full wheel, bitches.
I win. I don't feel good.
Guys, come on, our cats were just about to have sex.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, this whole time I tho...
What?
Fatty. Come on, we're out of here.
So, what do you guys think? Loft meeting in 20? Yeah, I'll be there in 15.
Gotta stick my head in a paper bag and scream at the top of my lungs.
Oh, yeah, there'll be no snacks.
Schmidt, I just looked it up. No way estrogen works that fast.
- You don't know my body. - Don't talk about your body.
Okay, that's a good segue...
...to some of the more relevant topics that I would like to cover in this meeting.
Like, uh, personal space.
Public space. Other people's medicines.
- Taking them versus not taking them. - I'm so aware of my nipples right now.
Okay. That's a good start.
If someone were to blow on my nipples, I'd positively scream.
- Boundaries. Any takers? - All right, we live here.
- Where are we supposed to go? - It's my fault.
Because I'm going through a sexual awakening.
It's like I'm tapping into this raw sexual energy that the universe is putting forth.
And it's just both imploding and exploding at the same time.
It's kind of like I'm a young nun.
Nick is my sexy monsignor, and I'm...
- I'm just gonna shut up. - Both of you shut up.
You're having sex, not inventing it. Can't be that good.
- It's good. - Stop saying, "Squeeze my biscuits."
- I'm serious, Nick. - Sorry.
Schmidt, stop taking it out on everybody else. Deal with your breakups.
Ain't no way in hell I got a cat brothel going on in my room...
...and I'm the only normal person in this loft.
You did a bad thing.
Deal with it.
What's that?
Oh...
Just what I needed.
This gum is crap.
NICK: You ready? - What is it?
Just keep your eyes closed.
- All right, stand right there, okay? - Okay.
Turn around.
- Ha, ha. I love it. - Yeah.
I don't...
- I don't know what it is. - Then yell something.
- Aah! - I soundproofed it.
- What's wrong? I just heard yelling. - Get out of here, man.
He must have been right by the door. It is soundproof.
- That's what the egg crates are for. - Nick, I just wanna say something.
This last month...
...has been the best month of my life.
Well, me too.
I've never, you know, felt this way or had this with anybody.
It's like there's been this fog around my life.
- With you, all of a sudden it's gone. - I love that you can express your feelings.
Yeah, it's a weird feeling. It's kind of like, gross, but also good.
Do you know? It's like an egg broke.
And then, like, all the yolk comes out, but it's good.
I'm happy to admit I like love songs.
I understand them. They're really sad.
They're mostly about either the girl or the guy got away.
They're heartbreaking numbers.
The air, do you feel it?
I guess this is the air you breathe, but it's nice. I feel like I'm on this whole new planet.
Ahem. How about your two favorite planets?
Oh, yeah, those are great.
But I also feel like being with you, I finally, for the first time...
...and I know this sounds crazy, but I can see the stars.
The great thing about talking about our feelings, we don't need to do it all the time.
Thank you for expressing that. I feel like I can see you in 3D vision.
Everyone sees in 3D.
So would you like to take my bra off, or should I?
I feel excited to take your bra off.
- So do it. - I love your breasts.
Just mixing it up with those things. I'm not even nervous to do it.
- So do it. Let's do this. - I feel excited to... Okay, yeah, right now. Ripped By mstoll