1
00:00:01,401 --> 00:00:03,335
[PANTING]
Ripped By mstoll
2
00:00:03,536 --> 00:00:05,504
That is how you have sex, America.
3
00:00:05,772 --> 00:00:07,205
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
4
00:00:07,440 --> 00:00:09,135
What's happening in here is amazing.
5
00:00:09,976 --> 00:00:13,571
Like I wanna film it, but I don't
wanna film it, because that would be porn.
6
00:00:13,813 --> 00:00:18,750
And that time I think I figured out what
that thing underneath the thing was.
7
00:00:18,985 --> 00:00:20,850
- Yeah, you did.
- And whoa, right?
8
00:00:21,121 --> 00:00:22,281
Yeah. Whoa.
9
00:00:22,522 --> 00:00:26,822
Hey, should we take a break and, like,
talk about our childhoods or something?
10
00:00:27,060 --> 00:00:30,427
You know, get in there, get into it,
get into each other's heads.
11
00:00:30,663 --> 00:00:33,097
Dreams, thoughts, fears, feelings.
12
00:00:33,333 --> 00:00:35,528
[MUTTERING]
13
00:00:35,735 --> 00:00:37,930
- No?
- I'm gonna throw a curveball.
14
00:00:38,171 --> 00:00:41,163
I'm gonna go banana it
and then I'll be ready for round two.
15
00:00:41,408 --> 00:00:43,535
Define "banana it."
16
00:00:43,810 --> 00:00:46,506
- Eat a banana.
- Oh, God.
17
00:00:46,980 --> 00:00:48,607
- I was worried for a second.
- Ha-ha-ha.
18
00:00:50,016 --> 00:00:53,144
What are Nick and Jess doing in there?
And how is it this loud?
19
00:00:53,386 --> 00:00:55,820
Nick's body is so soft,
it should absorb sound.
20
00:00:56,056 --> 00:00:59,822
They're just getting warmed up, Schmidt.
It's a whole new ball game around here.
21
00:01:00,060 --> 00:01:01,755
See, you haven't been here in weeks.
22
00:01:01,995 --> 00:01:04,395
Now that you're single,
you gotta deal with this too.
23
00:01:04,664 --> 00:01:07,758
Dumped by two women in the same day.
That has gotta be a record.
24
00:01:08,001 --> 00:01:10,629
I get it. I lost two perfect women,
but I'm fine with it.
25
00:01:10,870 --> 00:01:14,271
You could have been happy with either one,
but now you're by yourself.
26
00:01:14,507 --> 00:01:16,566
- Winston, I'm fine, please.
- That has to hurt.
27
00:01:16,843 --> 00:01:19,038
This is my home too.
I shouldn't have to face...
28
00:01:19,312 --> 00:01:21,974
...their stupid, happy relationship
everywhere I look.
29
00:01:22,549 --> 00:01:26,041
This is going to stop, Winston.
And I'm gonna stop it.
30
00:01:26,319 --> 00:01:29,720
Well, my advice to you is to stay in your
foxhole, keep your head down...
31
00:01:29,956 --> 00:01:32,049
...and invest in one of these babies.
32
00:01:32,325 --> 00:01:34,156
Watch your butt, Furguson.
33
00:01:34,394 --> 00:01:36,487
This is my survival kit.
Check this out, man.
34
00:01:36,729 --> 00:01:40,927
Blindfold. Got this bell, I wrap it around
my neck so they can hear when I'm coming.
35
00:01:41,201 --> 00:01:44,295
Every couple has a weakness.
Kate and Will? I could break them up.
36
00:01:44,537 --> 00:01:47,836
- "Royal baby living with slutty Aunt Pippa."
- They're bulletproof.
37
00:01:50,877 --> 00:01:54,313
Um, I have to show Nick
something in the bathroom.
38
00:01:54,547 --> 00:01:57,072
Yeah, it's tiles.
39
00:01:57,350 --> 00:01:59,910
I'm so bad at lying.
40
00:02:00,153 --> 00:02:01,415
It's for sex.
41
00:02:01,654 --> 00:02:04,350
Go. Go make love
in our communal shower.
42
00:02:04,591 --> 00:02:06,684
Enjoy it now, you little bunnies.
43
00:02:06,926 --> 00:02:08,257
What?
44
00:02:08,495 --> 00:02:10,520
Wanna see a magic trick?
45
00:02:13,133 --> 00:02:15,658
- Who's that girl?
CHORUS: Who's that girl?
46
00:02:15,869 --> 00:02:17,769
- Who's that girl?
CHORUS: Who's that girl?
47
00:02:17,971 --> 00:02:18,960
It's Jess
48
00:02:19,639 --> 00:02:20,936
[NICK & JESS LAUGHING]
49
00:02:21,141 --> 00:02:23,837
- I like your chewing face.
- It's just food.
50
00:02:24,077 --> 00:02:27,535
- That's all it is, okay?
- I know it's annoying to be around a couple.
51
00:02:27,780 --> 00:02:29,543
- It's not me at all. It's him.
- Who...? Oh.
52
00:02:29,916 --> 00:02:31,713
Oh, God.
53
00:02:31,951 --> 00:02:36,650
Look at him. Yeah, we had a tough day
today at the V-E-T.
54
00:02:36,923 --> 00:02:40,222
They said he's gonna have to get...
It rhymes with "flutered."
55
00:02:40,460 --> 00:02:42,894
- The word is "neutered."
- Cats don't speak English.
56
00:02:43,129 --> 00:02:46,428
Furguson's never gonna experience
actual, physical lovemaking.
57
00:02:46,666 --> 00:02:49,134
- You're too into your cat.
- He should be out there.
58
00:02:49,402 --> 00:02:53,668
Just getting all crazy, getting his freak on.
I feel bad, man. I don't know what to do.
59
00:02:53,940 --> 00:02:58,877
Let's try to help. We got three smart people
here. We all know we gotta get Furguson laid.
60
00:02:59,112 --> 00:03:01,080
- Cat bachelor party.
- That's right.
61
00:03:01,314 --> 00:03:03,179
- What do you think?
- Get cat strippers.
62
00:03:03,449 --> 00:03:05,417
Big booty cats, little booty cats.
63
00:03:05,652 --> 00:03:06,676
Some tabbies.
64
00:03:06,953 --> 00:03:08,944
Some black ones, some white ones.
Mix it up.
65
00:03:09,189 --> 00:03:11,885
- Get a couple Siamese, get weird with it.
- Get him laid.
66
00:03:12,125 --> 00:03:15,993
- You know we're kidding.
- Sure, sure, sure, got you.
67
00:03:17,063 --> 00:03:18,325
[WHISPERS]
It's happening.
68
00:03:21,067 --> 00:03:23,331
Oh. Look. It's you. And you.
69
00:03:23,570 --> 00:03:25,765
Is that a cake?
Why do you have a sheet cake?
70
00:03:26,239 --> 00:03:27,763
Don't eat the cake, Jess.
71
00:03:28,541 --> 00:03:30,634
What is that, like, vanilla and vanilla?
72
00:03:30,877 --> 00:03:35,780
I just wanted to wish you guys
a happy one-month anniversary. Hip, hip.
73
00:03:36,015 --> 00:03:38,984
You said you wanted to break us up
if it took your whole life.
74
00:03:39,219 --> 00:03:41,653
I understand I'm not
your favorite person right now.
75
00:03:41,888 --> 00:03:46,416
But I didn't want a milestone in your
relationship like this to go uncelebrated.
76
00:03:46,659 --> 00:03:48,718
You're really great together.
77
00:03:52,065 --> 00:03:53,123
I don't trust him.
78
00:03:53,366 --> 00:03:55,834
I know. It's Schmidt we're talking about.
79
00:03:56,069 --> 00:04:00,472
After he saw the movie Titanic
he started the Billy Zane fan club.
80
00:04:00,707 --> 00:04:03,073
- What?
- Look it up, they're called the Zaniacs.
81
00:04:03,343 --> 00:04:07,211
Why does that make me angrier
than anything he's ever done?
82
00:04:07,480 --> 00:04:08,811
- I will handle this.
- Okay.
83
00:04:09,048 --> 00:04:14,247
And I'm gonna test this cake
because I'm so mad at Schmidt.
84
00:04:16,389 --> 00:04:20,155
- Hey, dummy, why'd you get us that cake?
- Come on, man, I'm just happy for you.
85
00:04:20,393 --> 00:04:22,258
Look at that, a month?
My big month man.
86
00:04:22,528 --> 00:04:25,088
How many relationships
have you had that lasted a month?
87
00:04:25,365 --> 00:04:28,357
- I don't know. Some.
- Probably very few. Very, very few, right?
88
00:04:28,601 --> 00:04:30,865
- I mean, you think it's less than two?
- One.
89
00:04:31,104 --> 00:04:33,504
- It's Caroline. You know that.
- Are you kidding me?
90
00:04:33,740 --> 00:04:35,071
That's insane. That's so few.
91
00:04:35,308 --> 00:04:38,072
But I guess you only need one, right?
The one. Too soon?
92
00:04:38,311 --> 00:04:41,280
- I'm really happy.
- You should be. You're like a different guy.
93
00:04:41,547 --> 00:04:45,847
Usually at this point you're over-thinking,
anxious and panicky and over-thinking...
94
00:04:46,085 --> 00:04:50,215
...and over-thinking and distant
and nervous and sweaty and over-thinking.
95
00:04:50,456 --> 00:04:53,892
- Trying to get in my head. Not gonna work.
- Who could, man? Look at you.
96
00:04:54,127 --> 00:04:55,685
You're cool as a cucumber.
97
00:04:55,928 --> 00:04:58,863
You're Obama on the ski slopes.
Now, get out there.
98
00:04:59,098 --> 00:05:02,693
Enjoy that cake with the woman
that you love. Too soon? Forget about it.
99
00:05:02,935 --> 00:05:04,630
- Good talk.
- Yeah.
100
00:05:07,674 --> 00:05:09,767
- What's wrong?
- Nothing.
101
00:05:09,976 --> 00:05:10,965
[CHUCKLES]
102
00:05:18,918 --> 00:05:20,408
Uh-oh.
103
00:05:20,620 --> 00:05:23,646
Looks like we have
a little Groundhog Day situation.
104
00:05:23,923 --> 00:05:26,892
Please don't call it
a Groundhog Day situation.
105
00:05:27,126 --> 00:05:30,527
Six more weeks of winter.
106
00:05:30,997 --> 00:05:34,592
Don't worry. Lie back.
I'm gonna take care of this.
107
00:05:36,436 --> 00:05:39,166
This has never happened in my whole life,
just so you know.
108
00:05:39,439 --> 00:05:40,963
It's cool. What can I do to help?
109
00:05:41,207 --> 00:05:43,607
I don't know,
maybe think outside of the box.
110
00:05:43,843 --> 00:05:48,576
[WHISPERING]
A little chicken kebab with rice.
111
00:05:48,981 --> 00:05:51,745
Choice of naan or chutney.
112
00:05:51,984 --> 00:05:54,043
What is this I'm feeling?
113
00:05:54,253 --> 00:05:57,313
- How about we...?
- Shh. Oh. I had it.
114
00:05:57,590 --> 00:05:58,648
Reverse psychology.
115
00:05:58,891 --> 00:06:01,325
I'm not attracted to you.
I don't think you're sexy.
116
00:06:01,594 --> 00:06:02,959
Don't wanna have sex with you.
117
00:06:03,196 --> 00:06:05,994
- I think you're a fat, fat, fatty fat...
- Okay!
118
00:06:06,199 --> 00:06:07,632
Who we are
119
00:06:07,834 --> 00:06:08,823
[HUMMING]
120
00:06:09,035 --> 00:06:12,835
So let's raise the bar
121
00:06:13,039 --> 00:06:14,666
Oh, yeah.
122
00:06:15,375 --> 00:06:18,367
- Papa Smurf? Really?
- Whole body.
123
00:06:18,644 --> 00:06:20,839
- Are you sure? Okay.
- Yes. Hey.
124
00:06:21,114 --> 00:06:23,275
- This will work, okay? Do it.
- Okay. Okay.
125
00:06:23,483 --> 00:06:24,745
[GROANS THEN JESS SCREAMS]
126
00:06:25,852 --> 00:06:28,047
Well, at least the sun managed to get up.
127
00:06:28,254 --> 00:06:29,380
[GROANS]
128
00:06:29,922 --> 00:06:31,890
- I need to go move my car.
- I'm kidding.
129
00:06:32,692 --> 00:06:33,852
I'm kidding.
130
00:06:34,861 --> 00:06:36,829
Are we not kidding about this?
131
00:06:37,029 --> 00:06:38,018
[DOOR SLAMS SHUT]
132
00:06:41,501 --> 00:06:43,093
WINSTON:
Does she have all her shots?
133
00:06:43,336 --> 00:06:44,894
- Yup.
- Cool, cool.
134
00:06:45,171 --> 00:06:48,663
Um, let me ask you this, does she strike you
as, I don't know, slutty?
135
00:06:48,908 --> 00:06:52,469
Excuse me. I'm here to pick up
Fatty from her grooming?
136
00:06:56,349 --> 00:06:59,716
There you are.
Who are you here to pick up?
137
00:06:59,952 --> 00:07:03,752
Well, actually, my boy cat
is looking for a girl cat.
138
00:07:04,590 --> 00:07:06,217
Oh. Ha, ha.
139
00:07:06,426 --> 00:07:09,691
Well, I might know a girl cat
who's looking for a boy cat.
140
00:07:09,929 --> 00:07:11,658
Oh, yeah?
141
00:07:11,898 --> 00:07:13,991
Well, does the girl cat have all her parts?
142
00:07:14,600 --> 00:07:16,261
Um...
143
00:07:16,469 --> 00:07:17,697
- Yeah, ha, ha.
WINSTON: Yes?
144
00:07:17,937 --> 00:07:22,203
Okay, well, uh, I don't know, maybe
she could come over sometime?
145
00:07:22,442 --> 00:07:24,069
Like, our cats could go on a date?
146
00:07:24,544 --> 00:07:27,707
Yes. You get it. You know, everyone else
thought I was being weird.
147
00:07:28,314 --> 00:07:30,942
So, um, how often do you groom your cat?
148
00:07:42,128 --> 00:07:45,063
- I talked to my mom about it and my...
- I've gotta move my car.
149
00:07:45,298 --> 00:07:48,096
Hey, no, it's important
we talk about these things, Nick.
150
00:07:48,334 --> 00:07:49,528
NICK:
I'm moving my car!
151
00:07:50,203 --> 00:07:51,500
[DOOR SLAMS SHUT]
152
00:07:53,906 --> 00:07:55,430
Hello.
153
00:07:56,642 --> 00:07:57,870
Nick looks exhausted.
154
00:07:58,110 --> 00:08:00,670
You guys obviously had a good night.
155
00:08:01,614 --> 00:08:04,208
Yeah, um, but we didn't sleep much.
156
00:08:04,450 --> 00:08:06,475
Well, of course you didn't,
you mangy stray.
157
00:08:06,752 --> 00:08:09,186
I don't wanna talk about it.
Especially not with you.
158
00:08:09,422 --> 00:08:13,688
I know. And I also realize that it's gonna
be a long time for me to regain your trust.
159
00:08:13,926 --> 00:08:17,885
I just think it's sad because
if you did have a Nick problem...
160
00:08:18,130 --> 00:08:20,394
...I probably could help you out.
161
00:08:20,633 --> 00:08:23,227
You know, my diploma says
I majored in Communications...
162
00:08:23,469 --> 00:08:27,428
...but my heart says
that I majored in Nicholas Studies.
163
00:08:29,742 --> 00:08:30,731
I'm just saying.
164
00:08:31,444 --> 00:08:36,438
I love the morning. Anything's possible.
The whole day's ahead of you, you know?
165
00:08:36,682 --> 00:08:39,412
Last night Nick struggled with impotence.
Oh, my God.
166
00:08:39,652 --> 00:08:41,483
I'm not talking to you about this.
167
00:08:41,754 --> 00:08:44,814
Look, I get it. You don't want my help.
But do me a favor, please.
168
00:08:45,024 --> 00:08:46,889
Let me know when
you're not mad anymore...
169
00:08:47,093 --> 00:08:50,859
...so I can tell you about how men crave
danger and variety in their sexual lives.
170
00:08:51,130 --> 00:08:54,497
I just hope it's not too late.
Fingers crossed.
171
00:08:56,335 --> 00:09:00,829
What are you talking about?
I mean, I don't care, but if I did...
172
00:09:01,073 --> 00:09:03,633
...theoretically.
- Theoretically...
173
00:09:03,876 --> 00:09:07,312
...I would tell you for a man
whose midsection is basically mush...
174
00:09:07,547 --> 00:09:11,313
...Nick has had a lot of sex.
He's pushed that mush all over town.
175
00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:15,248
And, you know what, he's got some very
weird taste. Dark. Real fringe stuff.
176
00:09:15,488 --> 00:09:17,854
He likes stuff
that they don't even have porn for.
177
00:09:18,090 --> 00:09:22,823
You know, a lot of women wouldn't think
to do the Captain in bed.
178
00:09:23,062 --> 00:09:25,292
- What?
- That was a mistake. I shouldn't have...
179
00:09:25,531 --> 00:09:28,762
I didn't wanna talk about the Captain,
I'm sorry. Want a smoothie?
180
00:09:29,001 --> 00:09:30,662
What's the Captain?
181
00:09:31,837 --> 00:09:33,464
It starts off with...
182
00:09:33,673 --> 00:09:34,662
[WHIRRING LOUDLY]
183
00:09:34,874 --> 00:09:37,274
[INDISTINCT DIALOGUE]
184
00:09:37,743 --> 00:09:38,732
[BLENDER STOPS]
185
00:09:38,945 --> 00:09:42,142
You wanna clean yourself up immediately.
I mean immediately.
186
00:09:42,381 --> 00:09:43,871
And then...
187
00:09:44,083 --> 00:09:46,017
[BLENDER WHIRRING LOUDLY]
188
00:09:46,552 --> 00:09:48,520
How comfortable are you
with racial slurs?
189
00:09:49,322 --> 00:09:50,812
Then...
190
00:09:51,023 --> 00:09:54,754
[BLENDER WHIRRING LOUDLY]
191
00:09:54,961 --> 00:09:56,155
And that's basically it.
192
00:09:57,129 --> 00:09:58,528
That's what Nick wants in bed?
193
00:09:58,764 --> 00:10:01,358
Look, you're probably not up for it.
It's my fault.
194
00:10:01,601 --> 00:10:05,935
It's very degrading, it's offensive, and you
don't have time to learn the dolphin sounds.
195
00:10:06,205 --> 00:10:09,333
Are you sure you don't want
some of this smoothie? It's strawbana.
196
00:10:10,476 --> 00:10:14,310
Furguson, this is a big moment in your
life, all right? Just be yourself, dog.
197
00:10:14,547 --> 00:10:16,879
Winston, I think I found a way to...
198
00:10:17,984 --> 00:10:20,043
Wanna try some catnip?
199
00:10:20,886 --> 00:10:22,751
This is a real bummer.
200
00:10:28,227 --> 00:10:29,251
Ahoy, Nicholas.
201
00:10:31,664 --> 00:10:32,756
[JESS MIMICS FOGHORN]
202
00:10:32,965 --> 00:10:34,057
NICK:
Wait. I'm scared!
203
00:10:44,143 --> 00:10:45,610
- Hey.
- Hey.
204
00:10:45,878 --> 00:10:48,847
- I'm so glad you could make it.
- Thanks.
205
00:10:49,081 --> 00:10:50,378
Let's head to my room.
206
00:10:50,616 --> 00:10:54,052
- You're not wasting any time.
- No, it's just I have very judgy roommates.
207
00:10:54,286 --> 00:10:58,484
They might get weirded out if they walked in,
saw something they weren't supposed to.
208
00:10:58,758 --> 00:11:01,556
Of course, whatever Fatty wants.
What do you want, Fatty?
209
00:11:01,794 --> 00:11:03,261
Fatty wants to see your room.
210
00:11:03,496 --> 00:11:06,124
That's awesome. Great news.
You hear that? Y'all go play.
211
00:11:06,399 --> 00:11:08,299
KYLIE: Here you go.
- He was nervous.
212
00:11:08,534 --> 00:11:13,301
- Well, good thing I brought this.
- Yeah, we can't give wine to these cats.
213
00:11:13,539 --> 00:11:16,667
It's been a tough six months
and this cat needs a drink, so...
214
00:11:16,942 --> 00:11:19,775
Okay. I don't think they care.
They're not listening at all.
215
00:11:20,012 --> 00:11:21,673
- Too into each other.
- Yeah.
216
00:11:22,148 --> 00:11:25,242
Nick, we have to talk about this, okay?
217
00:11:25,484 --> 00:11:27,452
All right, I'll go first.
218
00:11:27,687 --> 00:11:33,489
Listen, I was uncomfortable with some
of the specifics of what we just did.
219
00:11:33,726 --> 00:11:37,162
For example, when I said,
"You like that, huh?"
220
00:11:37,430 --> 00:11:42,458
I felt like you really, really didn't like it.
How do you feel?
221
00:11:42,935 --> 00:11:43,993
I just...
222
00:11:44,203 --> 00:11:45,329
[STAMMERS]
223
00:11:45,538 --> 00:11:47,529
I feel like, you know...
224
00:11:48,074 --> 00:11:50,634
No, it's just kind of like,
because, I mean...
225
00:11:52,945 --> 00:11:54,412
[MUMBLING]
226
00:11:55,081 --> 00:11:56,946
It was good. You know, it's over.
227
00:11:57,516 --> 00:11:59,211
Let sleeping birds die.
228
00:11:59,485 --> 00:12:03,353
I just wanna know what I did wrong.
How does the Captain normally go?
229
00:12:04,156 --> 00:12:06,147
- The what?
- The Captain. What we just did.
230
00:12:07,393 --> 00:12:10,726
I've never done that in my life.
We did that because you wanted to.
231
00:12:10,996 --> 00:12:12,964
- What? Why would I want to do that?
- Yeah.
232
00:12:13,199 --> 00:12:17,192
That's degrading to not only women,
but all of mankind, Nick.
233
00:12:17,470 --> 00:12:20,962
I only did that because Schmidt told me
it was your favorite thing...
234
00:12:23,609 --> 00:12:27,170
- Did you say because Schmidt said...?
- No, don't...
235
00:12:27,413 --> 00:12:31,850
Did you just...? Did you talk to
tight pants and eyebrows about...
236
00:12:32,084 --> 00:12:33,745
Who was I supposed to talk to, Nick?
237
00:12:34,019 --> 00:12:37,455
I tried to talk about your penis problems,
you went to move your car.
238
00:12:37,690 --> 00:12:39,317
I don't have penis problems.
239
00:12:39,558 --> 00:12:42,322
What is...? Did you talk to Winston
about my penis probs?
240
00:12:42,561 --> 00:12:44,028
- What about Cece?
- Wasn't around.
241
00:12:44,263 --> 00:12:47,721
- Schmidt told me he had a PhD in Nickology.
- He doesn't. There's no...
242
00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:50,264
We have to talk about feelings.
We're together.
243
00:12:50,536 --> 00:12:55,098
If we needed to talk about feelings,
they would be called "talkings."
244
00:12:55,374 --> 00:12:57,672
- No, that is not true.
- That is 100 percent...
245
00:12:57,910 --> 00:13:01,607
This is it. This is Schmidt
getting in our heads. I'm gonna kill him!
246
00:13:01,881 --> 00:13:02,973
- Jessica, wait.
JESS: Schmidt!
247
00:13:03,215 --> 00:13:04,978
I can't run that fast! The Captain!
248
00:13:05,217 --> 00:13:07,344
I trusted you. You took advantage of me.
249
00:13:07,586 --> 00:13:09,053
- Something wrong?
- You set us up.
250
00:13:09,288 --> 00:13:12,689
- I've done things to Nick I can't ever undo.
- You see, your fatal flaw.
251
00:13:12,925 --> 00:13:13,914
Communication.
252
00:13:14,160 --> 00:13:17,789
You won't shut up about your feelings.
Only thing this dummy talks about...
253
00:13:18,063 --> 00:13:20,531
...is the Chicago Brown Bears.
- Just Chicago Bears.
254
00:13:20,766 --> 00:13:24,725
Who cares? I put a pebble in your path,
and the two of you cracked your skulls on it.
255
00:13:24,970 --> 00:13:28,030
By the way, how was the Captain?
Did you make it to the spyglass?
256
00:13:28,274 --> 00:13:30,902
Yes, Schmidt,
and my night vision's very good...
257
00:13:31,143 --> 00:13:33,043
...because my eyes are so buggy and big.
258
00:13:33,279 --> 00:13:35,577
I saw everything,
and I can't erase it from memory.
259
00:13:35,815 --> 00:13:37,407
Please, Jess, stop talking.
260
00:13:37,650 --> 00:13:39,641
Why don't we go back
to being roommates?
261
00:13:39,919 --> 00:13:42,285
Nick, what do you say?
The floor is yours.
262
00:13:42,555 --> 00:13:44,318
- You wanna tell us how you feel?
- Me?
263
00:13:44,590 --> 00:13:45,579
SCHMIDT:
Yeah.
264
00:13:45,825 --> 00:13:49,591
Well, I think it's... I just...
265
00:13:53,566 --> 00:13:56,160
Beautifully said. Thank you, Nick.
Enjoy the breakup.
266
00:13:56,435 --> 00:14:00,303
If you need me, I'll be in my room
listening to some mainstream hip-hop.
267
00:14:00,573 --> 00:14:02,063
Stop.
268
00:14:08,380 --> 00:14:10,348
I have feelings.
269
00:14:15,855 --> 00:14:19,416
I didn't like when you did the Captain.
It made me feel...
270
00:14:21,894 --> 00:14:25,853
...bad.
- Okay, I've never seen this sober before...
271
00:14:26,131 --> 00:14:29,066
Stop. It's my turn.
You talk too much and it frustrates me.
272
00:14:29,301 --> 00:14:31,667
Sometimes you talk
even after you've fallen asleep.
273
00:14:31,904 --> 00:14:35,362
How do you breathe? Where do you
get the words? It doesn't matter, Jess...
274
00:14:35,641 --> 00:14:37,632
...because I like you a lot.
275
00:14:37,877 --> 00:14:39,435
But maybe do that less, okay?
276
00:14:39,678 --> 00:14:42,078
Nick, I just feel... I'm sorry.
277
00:14:42,314 --> 00:14:44,714
I'm so sorry. Just keep going.
278
00:14:44,984 --> 00:14:46,315
I don't know.
279
00:14:47,052 --> 00:14:52,581
I really like the instrument of the cello. I like
the cello a lot and I don't talk about it a lot.
280
00:14:52,825 --> 00:14:55,453
But I should
because I feel very passionate about it.
281
00:14:55,694 --> 00:14:58,891
It's a beautiful instrument.
It's like a guitar, but it stands up.
282
00:14:59,732 --> 00:15:04,965
I once saw a zebra named Gavin
give birth at the zoo and I cried hysterically.
283
00:15:05,204 --> 00:15:09,732
I bought one of those stretched-out pennies
to remember it. Then lost that and cried again.
284
00:15:10,009 --> 00:15:12,534
Sometimes when I smell dust
in an attic or something...
285
00:15:12,778 --> 00:15:15,508
...that mothy, dusty...
I think about my mother.
286
00:15:15,748 --> 00:15:17,545
When I was 14,
I saw my mother change...
287
00:15:17,783 --> 00:15:19,978
...and I saw her naked
without underpants on.
288
00:15:20,219 --> 00:15:22,710
I like when rap songs use a choir.
It makes me happy.
289
00:15:22,955 --> 00:15:26,755
When the ladies' voices come in
and then the guy's rapping, it's awesome.
290
00:15:27,026 --> 00:15:29,119
- I'm proud of you, Nick.
- I really like you.
291
00:15:29,361 --> 00:15:30,350
JESS:
I like you too.
292
00:15:30,596 --> 00:15:33,895
And it's been a month
and I'm not scared.
293
00:15:34,166 --> 00:15:37,624
Unless you're doing the Captain,
and then I experience very real fear.
294
00:15:37,870 --> 00:15:39,667
- And it's very visceral...
- Just kiss me.
295
00:15:39,905 --> 00:15:42,339
No kissing in the living room.
296
00:15:45,411 --> 00:15:47,379
No, no, no.
297
00:15:48,681 --> 00:15:51,013
Cease lovemaking.
All lovemaking must cease.
298
00:15:51,250 --> 00:15:53,081
JESS: Get out of here, Schmidt.
- Break up!
299
00:15:53,319 --> 00:15:55,082
Just break up already, pl... Forget it.
300
00:15:55,321 --> 00:15:57,380
JESS: Hey, no, no, no.
SCHMIDT: I'm stopping it now.
301
00:15:57,623 --> 00:15:59,784
- Oh, my God, you just hit my sack!
- Body block!
302
00:16:00,059 --> 00:16:03,392
I'm pure core. I've been training for this.
Yeah, human dental dam.
303
00:16:03,629 --> 00:16:05,756
[NICK YELLING INDISTINCTLY]
304
00:16:06,432 --> 00:16:08,525
So, what do you do for fun?
305
00:16:09,401 --> 00:16:10,561
Huh? Oh, um...
306
00:16:10,769 --> 00:16:13,260
- You know, all the things.
- Like what? Tell me one.
307
00:16:13,505 --> 00:16:15,871
NICK: Get out!
- I'm sorry, do you hear noise?
308
00:16:16,475 --> 00:16:18,534
- Do you hear shouting? I'm just...
- Yeah.
309
00:16:18,777 --> 00:16:19,766
WINSTON:
No, no, no.
310
00:16:20,012 --> 00:16:21,377
[YELLS]
311
00:16:21,580 --> 00:16:23,480
Who the hell messed up the mood?
312
00:16:24,750 --> 00:16:25,808
- Schmidt. Schmidt.
- Hey.
313
00:16:27,519 --> 00:16:29,885
- Put down my condoms.
- Pull it together, Schmidt.
314
00:16:30,122 --> 00:16:32,352
- It's raining celibacy. Hallelujah.
- You're losing it.
315
00:16:32,558 --> 00:16:36,392
If I'm not having sex in this loft,
nobody's having sex in this loft.
316
00:16:38,864 --> 00:16:40,798
- No, hey.
- Hey, hey.
317
00:16:41,033 --> 00:16:42,227
My birth control pills.
318
00:16:42,468 --> 00:16:45,266
- You don't wanna do this, my man.
- Yes, I do wanna do this.
319
00:16:45,504 --> 00:16:47,404
Get this place back the way that it was.
320
00:16:47,639 --> 00:16:50,972
- Put them down. Give them to me.
- Give them to Jess. It's not worth it.
321
00:16:51,243 --> 00:16:54,303
- No fear! Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday.
JESS: Oh, my God.
322
00:16:54,546 --> 00:16:57,071
Why didn't you just throw them in the sink,
you idiot?
323
00:16:57,316 --> 00:17:00,615
- Pray that was a placebo week.
- Is he eating birth control pills?
324
00:17:00,853 --> 00:17:03,447
Friday. Full wheel, bitches.
325
00:17:03,689 --> 00:17:05,589
I win. I don't feel good.
326
00:17:05,824 --> 00:17:08,452
Guys, come on, our cats
were just about to have sex.
327
00:17:10,295 --> 00:17:11,853
Oh, my God.
328
00:17:12,131 --> 00:17:14,656
Oh, my God, this whole time I tho...
329
00:17:16,835 --> 00:17:18,132
What?
330
00:17:18,370 --> 00:17:21,168
Fatty. Come on, we're out of here.
331
00:17:24,276 --> 00:17:27,803
So, what do you guys think?
Loft meeting in 20? Yeah, I'll be there in 15.
332
00:17:28,047 --> 00:17:32,279
Gotta stick my head in a paper bag
and scream at the top of my lungs.
333
00:17:32,518 --> 00:17:34,850
Oh, yeah, there'll be no snacks.
334
00:17:38,424 --> 00:17:41,518
Schmidt, I just looked it up.
No way estrogen works that fast.
335
00:17:41,794 --> 00:17:44,194
- You don't know my body.
- Don't talk about your body.
336
00:17:44,396 --> 00:17:45,658
Okay, that's a good segue...
337
00:17:45,898 --> 00:17:49,834
...to some of the more relevant topics
that I would like to cover in this meeting.
338
00:17:50,069 --> 00:17:51,764
Like, uh, personal space.
339
00:17:52,204 --> 00:17:55,037
Public space. Other people's medicines.
340
00:17:55,307 --> 00:17:58,834
- Taking them versus not taking them.
- I'm so aware of my nipples right now.
341
00:17:59,078 --> 00:18:00,272
Okay. That's a good start.
342
00:18:00,512 --> 00:18:03,481
If someone were to blow on my nipples,
I'd positively scream.
343
00:18:03,715 --> 00:18:06,980
- Boundaries. Any takers?
- All right, we live here.
344
00:18:07,219 --> 00:18:09,312
- Where are we supposed to go?
- It's my fault.
345
00:18:09,555 --> 00:18:11,716
Because I'm going through
a sexual awakening.
346
00:18:11,957 --> 00:18:17,691
It's like I'm tapping into this raw sexual
energy that the universe is putting forth.
347
00:18:17,930 --> 00:18:20,728
And it's just both imploding and exploding
at the same time.
348
00:18:20,966 --> 00:18:24,299
It's kind of like I'm a young nun.
349
00:18:24,503 --> 00:18:27,939
Nick is my sexy monsignor, and I'm...
350
00:18:30,209 --> 00:18:32,302
- I'm just gonna shut up.
- Both of you shut up.
351
00:18:32,544 --> 00:18:35,104
You're having sex, not inventing it.
Can't be that good.
352
00:18:35,380 --> 00:18:37,575
- It's good.
- Stop saying, "Squeeze my biscuits."
353
00:18:37,850 --> 00:18:39,215
- I'm serious, Nick.
- Sorry.
354
00:18:39,451 --> 00:18:42,818
Schmidt, stop taking it out on
everybody else. Deal with your breakups.
355
00:18:43,055 --> 00:18:45,956
Ain't no way in hell I got a cat brothel
going on in my room...
356
00:18:46,225 --> 00:18:48,693
...and I'm the only normal person
in this loft.
357
00:18:54,867 --> 00:18:57,062
You did a bad thing.
358
00:18:57,569 --> 00:18:59,366
Deal with it.
359
00:19:20,492 --> 00:19:21,584
What's that?
360
00:19:21,793 --> 00:19:22,782
Oh...
361
00:19:22,995 --> 00:19:24,986
Just what I needed.
362
00:19:27,332 --> 00:19:29,266
This gum is crap.
363
00:19:36,775 --> 00:19:38,174
NICK: You ready?
- What is it?
364
00:19:38,443 --> 00:19:40,434
Just keep your eyes closed.
365
00:19:40,679 --> 00:19:42,943
- All right, stand right there, okay?
- Okay.
366
00:19:44,449 --> 00:19:46,110
Turn around.
367
00:19:47,853 --> 00:19:51,311
- Ha, ha. I love it.
- Yeah.
368
00:19:51,557 --> 00:19:52,581
I don't...
369
00:19:52,824 --> 00:19:55,122
- I don't know what it is.
- Then yell something.
370
00:19:55,360 --> 00:19:57,658
- Aah!
- I soundproofed it.
371
00:19:57,930 --> 00:20:01,127
- What's wrong? I just heard yelling.
- Get out of here, man.
372
00:20:03,202 --> 00:20:05,932
He must have been right by the door.
It is soundproof.
373
00:20:06,171 --> 00:20:09,971
- That's what the egg crates are for.
- Nick, I just wanna say something.
374
00:20:10,642 --> 00:20:12,507
This last month...
375
00:20:12,945 --> 00:20:15,675
...has been the best month of my life.
376
00:20:18,083 --> 00:20:19,107
Well, me too.
377
00:20:19,952 --> 00:20:24,980
I've never, you know, felt this way
or had this with anybody.
378
00:20:25,357 --> 00:20:27,951
It's like there's been this fog
around my life.
379
00:20:28,193 --> 00:20:32,027
- With you, all of a sudden it's gone.
- I love that you can express your feelings.
380
00:20:32,264 --> 00:20:35,700
Yeah, it's a weird feeling.
It's kind of like, gross, but also good.
381
00:20:35,968 --> 00:20:37,959
Do you know? It's like an egg broke.
382
00:20:38,203 --> 00:20:41,172
And then, like, all the yolk comes out,
but it's good.
383
00:20:42,074 --> 00:20:45,339
I'm happy to admit I like love songs.
384
00:20:45,577 --> 00:20:47,636
I understand them. They're really sad.
385
00:20:47,879 --> 00:20:50,848
They're mostly about either
the girl or the guy got away.
386
00:20:51,516 --> 00:20:53,074
They're heartbreaking numbers.
387
00:20:53,352 --> 00:20:55,149
The air, do you feel it?
388
00:20:55,387 --> 00:20:59,915
I guess this is the air you breathe, but it's
nice. I feel like I'm on this whole new planet.
389
00:21:00,125 --> 00:21:04,687
Ahem. How about your two favorite planets?
390
00:21:04,930 --> 00:21:06,261
Oh, yeah, those are great.
391
00:21:06,531 --> 00:21:09,989
But I also feel like being with you,
I finally, for the first time...
392
00:21:10,235 --> 00:21:13,329
...and I know this sounds crazy,
but I can see the stars.
393
00:21:13,572 --> 00:21:17,906
The great thing about talking about our
feelings, we don't need to do it all the time.
394
00:21:18,143 --> 00:21:23,240
Thank you for expressing that.
I feel like I can see you in 3D vision.
395
00:21:23,515 --> 00:21:24,914
Everyone sees in 3D.
396
00:21:25,550 --> 00:21:28,018
So would you like to take my bra off,
or should I?
397
00:21:28,253 --> 00:21:29,914
I feel excited to take your bra off.
398
00:21:30,155 --> 00:21:31,918
- So do it.
- I love your breasts.
399
00:21:32,157 --> 00:21:35,285
Just mixing it up with those things.
I'm not even nervous to do it.
400
00:21:35,560 --> 00:21:38,859
- So do it. Let's do this.
- I feel excited to... Okay, yeah, right now.
Ripped By mstoll