1
00:00:17,944 --> 00:00:20,167
(Both moaning)

2
00:00:20,335 --> 00:00:22,475
That is how you have sex, America.

3
00:00:22,539 --> 00:00:24,150
- Yeah.
- Yeah.

4
00:00:24,181 --> 00:00:26,587
What's happening here is amazing.

5
00:00:26,787 --> 00:00:30,582
Like, I want to film it, but I don't want
to film it 'cause that would be porn.

6
00:00:30,617 --> 00:00:35,655
And that time, I think I figured out what
that thing underneath the thing was.

7
00:00:35,678 --> 00:00:37,677
- Yeah, you did.
- And whoa, right?

8
00:00:37,695 --> 00:00:39,236
Yeah, whoa.

9
00:00:39,289 --> 00:00:43,267
Hey, should we take a break and, like,
talk about our childhoods or something?

10
00:00:43,767 --> 00:00:47,333
You know, get in there, get into
it, get into each other's heads.

11
00:00:47,426 --> 00:00:49,815
Dreams, thoughts, fears, feelings.

12
00:00:49,858 --> 00:00:51,654
If... Yeah... I mean...

13
00:00:51,704 --> 00:00:52,892
- (Groans)
- No?

14
00:00:52,911 --> 00:00:54,811
I'm gonna throw a curveball.

15
00:00:54,888 --> 00:00:58,050
I'm gonna go banana it and then
I'll be ready for round two.

16
00:00:58,076 --> 00:01:00,395
Define "banana it."

17
00:01:00,440 --> 00:01:01,659
Eat a banana?

18
00:01:01,676 --> 00:01:02,976
(Laughing):
Oh, good.

19
00:01:03,287 --> 00:01:05,679
I was worried for a second.

20
00:01:06,766 --> 00:01:09,904
What are Nick and Jess doing in
there, and how is it this loud?

21
00:01:10,154 --> 00:01:12,531
Nick's body is so soft,
it should absorb sound.

22
00:01:12,549 --> 00:01:15,812
They're just getting warmed up, Schmidt.
It's a whole new ball game around here.

23
00:01:15,841 --> 00:01:18,557
You, see, you wouldn't know that
'cause you haven't been here in weeks,

24
00:01:18,606 --> 00:01:21,107
but now that you're single, yeah,
you got to deal with this, too.

25
00:01:21,145 --> 00:01:23,335
Dumped by two women in
the same day, Schmidt,

26
00:01:23,368 --> 00:01:25,185
- that has got to be a record, man.
- I get it, all right?

27
00:01:25,216 --> 00:01:27,455
I lost two perfect women, but
I'm fine with it, all right?

28
00:01:27,480 --> 00:01:30,028
- I'm fine. - You could've been perfectly
happy with either one of them,

29
00:01:30,035 --> 00:01:32,390
- but now you're by yourself.
- Winston, I'm fine. Please.

30
00:01:32,404 --> 00:01:34,404
- That really has to hurt.
- This is my home, too.

31
00:01:34,425 --> 00:01:35,959
I shouldn't have to be
faced with their stupid,

32
00:01:35,979 --> 00:01:38,228
happy relationship everywhere I look.

33
00:01:39,324 --> 00:01:42,768
This is going to stop, Winston,
and I'm gonna stop it.

34
00:01:42,787 --> 00:01:45,289
Well, my advice to you is
to stay in your foxhole,

35
00:01:45,312 --> 00:01:48,579
keep your head down and
invest in one of these babies.

36
00:01:49,000 --> 00:01:50,835
Watch your butt, Ferguson.

37
00:01:51,018 --> 00:01:53,363
This is my survival kit.
Check this out, man.

38
00:01:53,513 --> 00:01:55,088
Blindfold.

39
00:01:55,254 --> 00:01:57,488
Get this bell wrapped around my neck
so he can hear when I'm coming.

40
00:01:57,501 --> 00:02:00,531
Every couple has a weakness. Kate and Will,
I could break them up with one e-mail.

41
00:02:00,560 --> 00:02:02,338
Oh, look at that,
look at the royal baby now,

42
00:02:02,356 --> 00:02:05,202
- living with slutty Aunt Pippa.
- I'm telling you, they're bulletproof.

43
00:02:05,461 --> 00:02:07,553
(Laughter)

44
00:02:07,615 --> 00:02:11,190
Um, I have to show Nick
something in the bathroom.

45
00:02:11,294 --> 00:02:12,894
Yeah, it's tiles.

46
00:02:12,992 --> 00:02:14,105
(Giggling)

47
00:02:14,130 --> 00:02:16,353
I'm so bad at lying.

48
00:02:16,957 --> 00:02:18,052
It's for sex.

49
00:02:18,075 --> 00:02:21,038
Oh, go! Go make love
in our communal shower.

50
00:02:21,206 --> 00:02:23,462
Enjoy it now, you little bunnies.

51
00:02:23,851 --> 00:02:25,206
What?

52
00:02:25,229 --> 00:02:27,230
Want to see a magic trick?

53
00:02:29,737 --> 00:02:32,503
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
♪ <i>Who's that girl?</i> ♪

54
00:02:32,560 --> 00:02:33,960
♪ Who's that girl? ♪

55
00:02:33,986 --> 00:02:36,133
♪ <i>Who's that girl?</i> ♪
♪ It's Jess ♪

56
00:02:37,588 --> 00:02:39,408
I like your chewing face.

57
00:02:39,443 --> 00:02:42,368
It's just food. Yeah, that's
all it is, okay, people?

58
00:02:42,399 --> 00:02:44,234
I know it's super annoying
to be around a couple.

59
00:02:44,246 --> 00:02:45,516
Not me at all. It's him.

60
00:02:45,546 --> 00:02:47,214
- Who? Oh.
- (Meowing)

61
00:02:48,511 --> 00:02:49,781
Look at him.

62
00:02:49,850 --> 00:02:53,600
Yeah, we had a tough day
today at the V-E-T.

63
00:02:53,617 --> 00:02:56,691
Yeah, they said he's gonna have to get...
It rhymes with "fleutered."

64
00:02:57,372 --> 00:02:59,580
- The word is neutered.
- Cats don't speak English.

65
00:02:59,595 --> 00:03:03,023
Ferguson's never gonna experience
actual, physical lovemaking.

66
00:03:03,048 --> 00:03:04,696
Do you think you're a little
too into your cat?

67
00:03:04,713 --> 00:03:08,531
He should be out there, just getting
all crazy, getting his freak on.

68
00:03:08,609 --> 00:03:10,497
(Sighs) I feel bad, man.
I don't know what to do.

69
00:03:10,516 --> 00:03:12,822
Let's try to help. We got
three smart people here.

70
00:03:12,855 --> 00:03:15,388
- We all know we got to get
Ferguson laid, right? - Right.

71
00:03:15,558 --> 00:03:17,130
Cat bachelor party.

72
00:03:17,217 --> 00:03:18,651
- That's right.
- What do you think?

73
00:03:18,672 --> 00:03:21,664
- Yeah, get some little cat strippers.
- Big booty cats, little booty cats.

74
00:03:21,697 --> 00:03:23,556
- (Laughter)
- Some tabbies.

75
00:03:23,602 --> 00:03:25,033
- Some black ones, some white ones.
- Yeah.

76
00:03:25,051 --> 00:03:27,786
- We'll mix it up. Get us a couple
Siamese, get weird with it. - Yeah.

77
00:03:27,810 --> 00:03:29,592
- Get him laid?
- You know we're kidding?

78
00:03:29,617 --> 00:03:32,434
- We're kidding.
- Sure, sure, sure, sure. Gotcha.

79
00:03:33,836 --> 00:03:35,117
(Whispers):
It's happening.

80
00:03:35,174 --> 00:03:36,762
(Meowing)

81
00:03:37,730 --> 00:03:40,345
Oh, look, it's you and you.

82
00:03:40,361 --> 00:03:42,892
Is that a cake? Why do
you have a sheet cake?

83
00:03:42,947 --> 00:03:44,714
Don't eat the cake, Jess.

84
00:03:45,186 --> 00:03:47,449
What is that? Like,
vanilla and vanilla?

85
00:03:47,478 --> 00:03:50,940
I just wanted to wish you guys
a happy one-month anniversary.

86
00:03:51,922 --> 00:03:54,141
- Hip hip.
- You said you wanted to break us up.

87
00:03:54,177 --> 00:03:55,771
You said you didn't care if
it took your whole life.

88
00:03:55,797 --> 00:03:58,344
Look, I understand that I'm not exactly
your favorite person right now,

89
00:03:58,377 --> 00:04:00,918
but I didn't want a milestone
in your relationship like this

90
00:04:00,944 --> 00:04:03,100
to-to go uncelebrated.

91
00:04:03,437 --> 00:04:05,103
You're really great together.

92
00:04:08,778 --> 00:04:09,874
I don't trust him.

93
00:04:09,905 --> 00:04:12,543
I know. It's Schmidt
we're talking about.

94
00:04:12,821 --> 00:04:17,249
After he saw the movie Titanic,
he started the Billy Zane fan club.

95
00:04:17,279 --> 00:04:19,585
- What?
- Look it up. They're called the Zaniacs.

96
00:04:19,628 --> 00:04:23,969
Why does that make me angrier
than anything he's ever done?

97
00:04:23,987 --> 00:04:25,161
- I will handle this.
- Okay.

98
00:04:25,180 --> 00:04:30,575
And I'm gonna test this cake
because I'm so mad at Schmidt.

99
00:04:33,428 --> 00:04:35,169
Hey, dummy,
why'd you get us that cake?

100
00:04:35,194 --> 00:04:36,994
Come on, man, I'm
just happy for you.

101
00:04:37,032 --> 00:04:38,599
Looking at a-a month?

102
00:04:38,628 --> 00:04:39,546
A big month, man.

103
00:04:39,570 --> 00:04:42,015
How many relationships have you had
that have lasted more than a month?

104
00:04:42,046 --> 00:04:42,898
I don't know, some.

105
00:04:42,915 --> 00:04:45,412
Probably very few, probably
very, very few, right?

106
00:04:45,511 --> 00:04:47,213
I mean, you think
it's less than two?

107
00:04:47,238 --> 00:04:50,333
- One, it's Caroline, you know.
- One? Are you kidding me, man?

108
00:04:50,479 --> 00:04:52,021
It's insane. That's so few,

109
00:04:52,034 --> 00:04:54,948
but I guess you only need one,
right, the one. Too soon?

110
00:04:54,969 --> 00:04:56,524
- I'm really happy, Schmidt.
- You should be, man.

111
00:04:56,542 --> 00:04:58,110
Look at you. You're
like a different guy.

112
00:04:58,126 --> 00:05:01,281
Usually at this point, you're
overthinking and anxious

113
00:05:01,305 --> 00:05:03,892
and panicky and overthinking
and overthinking

114
00:05:03,930 --> 00:05:07,009
and distant and nervous
and sweaty and overthinking.

115
00:05:07,034 --> 00:05:09,509
- You're trying to get in my head, and
it's not gonna work. - Who could, man?

116
00:05:09,541 --> 00:05:10,916
Look at you.

117
00:05:10,941 --> 00:05:14,529
You're cool as a cucumber.
You're Obama on the ski slopes.

118
00:05:14,554 --> 00:05:15,879
Now, get out there.

119
00:05:15,905 --> 00:05:19,388
Enjoy that cake with the woman that
you love. Too soon? Forget about it.

120
00:05:19,616 --> 00:05:21,466
- Good talk.
- Yeah.

121
00:05:24,626 --> 00:05:26,852
- What's wrong?
- Nothing.

122
00:05:27,258 --> 00:05:28,595
(Chuckles)

123
00:05:35,638 --> 00:05:37,008
Uh-oh.

124
00:05:37,336 --> 00:05:40,828
Looks like we have a little
Groundhog Day situation.

125
00:05:40,840 --> 00:05:43,605
Please don't call it a
Groundhog's Day situation.

126
00:05:43,623 --> 00:05:46,722
Six more weeks of winter.

127
00:05:47,675 --> 00:05:49,788
Don't worry. Lie back.

128
00:05:50,267 --> 00:05:51,634
I'm gonna take care of this.

129
00:05:51,661 --> 00:05:52,961
(Chuckles)

130
00:05:53,222 --> 00:05:55,982
This has never happened in my
whole life, just so you know.

131
00:05:56,000 --> 00:05:57,970
It's cool. What
can I do to help?

132
00:05:58,002 --> 00:06:00,262
I don't know, maybe
think outside of the box?

133
00:06:00,720 --> 00:06:04,861
(In sexy voice):
A little chicken kabob with rice.

134
00:06:05,583 --> 00:06:09,003
Choice of naan or chutney.

135
00:06:10,144 --> 00:06:11,194
(Groans)

136
00:06:11,212 --> 00:06:13,816
- How about we...
- Shh! Oh, I had it.

137
00:06:14,126 --> 00:06:15,458
Reverse psychology.

138
00:06:15,477 --> 00:06:18,183
I'm not attracted to you.
I don't think you're sexy.

139
00:06:18,201 --> 00:06:19,799
- Don't want to have sex with you.
- Okay.

140
00:06:19,811 --> 00:06:23,216
- I think you're a fat, fat, fatty, fat...
- Okay!

141
00:06:23,408 --> 00:06:26,944
(Humming)

142
00:06:27,015 --> 00:06:29,350
("Get Lucky" by Daft Punk plays)

143
00:06:29,665 --> 00:06:31,123
Oh, yeah.

144
00:06:32,022 --> 00:06:33,741
Papa Smurf? Really?

145
00:06:33,776 --> 00:06:35,110
Whole body.

146
00:06:35,137 --> 00:06:36,007
Are you sure?

147
00:06:36,025 --> 00:06:37,660
- Yes, hey.
- Okay.

148
00:06:37,710 --> 00:06:39,216
- This will work, let's do it.
- Okay.

149
00:06:39,236 --> 00:06:41,504
Okay.
(Groans, screams)

150
00:06:42,540 --> 00:06:44,833
Well, at least the sun
managed to get up.

151
00:06:44,912 --> 00:06:46,594
(Groans)

152
00:06:46,662 --> 00:06:49,178
- I have to go move my car.
- I'm kidding.

153
00:06:49,474 --> 00:06:51,180
But I'm kidding!

154
00:06:51,595 --> 00:06:53,876
Are we not kidding about this?

155
00:06:58,219 --> 00:06:59,876
WINSTON:
Does she have all her shots?

156
00:06:59,915 --> 00:07:01,365
- Yep.
- Okay, cool, cool.

157
00:07:01,400 --> 00:07:02,520
Um, let me ask you this.

158
00:07:02,545 --> 00:07:05,661
Uh, does she strike you as,
um, I don't know, slutty?

159
00:07:05,688 --> 00:07:08,618
Excuse me, I'm here to pick
up Fatty from her grooming.

160
00:07:11,639 --> 00:07:12,564
Oh.

161
00:07:12,734 --> 00:07:14,247
Oh, there you are.

162
00:07:15,613 --> 00:07:17,413
- Who are you here to pick up?
- Well, actually,

163
00:07:17,453 --> 00:07:20,588
uh, my boy cat is
looking for a girl cat.

164
00:07:21,219 --> 00:07:22,742
Oh.
(Chuckles)

165
00:07:23,217 --> 00:07:26,391
Well, I might know a girl cat
who's looking for a boy cat.

166
00:07:26,848 --> 00:07:28,350
- Oh, yeah?
- Mm-hmm.

167
00:07:28,395 --> 00:07:30,607
Does the girl cat
have all her parts?

168
00:07:31,286 --> 00:07:32,967
Um,

169
00:07:33,071 --> 00:07:34,415
- yeah.
- Yes?

170
00:07:34,470 --> 00:07:38,494
Uh, okay. Well, um, I don't know, maybe,
uh, she could come over sometime?

171
00:07:39,129 --> 00:07:41,224
Like, our cats could
go on a date?

172
00:07:41,329 --> 00:07:42,435
Yes, you get it.

173
00:07:42,464 --> 00:07:44,432
You know, everyone else
thought I was being weird.

174
00:07:44,822 --> 00:07:48,022
So, um, how often
do you groom your cat?

175
00:07:51,967 --> 00:07:53,467
(Sighs)

176
00:07:59,147 --> 00:08:00,389
So I talked to my mom about it,

177
00:08:00,426 --> 00:08:01,825
- and my dad...
- I've got to go move my car.

178
00:08:01,856 --> 00:08:03,811
Hey, no, it's important
we talk about these things.

179
00:08:03,836 --> 00:08:06,174
- Nick, it's...
- I'm moving my car!

180
00:08:06,835 --> 00:08:08,455
(Door slams)

181
00:08:10,677 --> 00:08:12,104
Hello.

182
00:08:12,538 --> 00:08:14,741
Whew, Nick looks exhausted.

183
00:08:14,787 --> 00:08:17,121
You guys obviously
had a good night.

184
00:08:18,363 --> 00:08:20,854
Yeah, um, I... We
didn't sleep much.

185
00:08:20,879 --> 00:08:23,080
Well, of course you didn't,
you mangy little stray.

186
00:08:23,108 --> 00:08:24,776
I really don't want to talk about it,

187
00:08:24,791 --> 00:08:26,798
- especially not with you, Schmidt.
- I know,

188
00:08:26,826 --> 00:08:30,428
and look, I also realize that it's gonna be
a long time for me to regain your trust.

189
00:08:30,467 --> 00:08:34,091
I just think it's sad because
if you did have a Nick problem,

190
00:08:34,928 --> 00:08:36,762
I probably could help you out.

191
00:08:37,449 --> 00:08:39,162
You know, my diploma
says that I majored

192
00:08:39,177 --> 00:08:42,003
in communications,
but my heart says

193
00:08:42,115 --> 00:08:44,325
that I majored in
Nicholas studies.

194
00:08:46,631 --> 00:08:47,895
I'm just saying.

195
00:08:48,165 --> 00:08:50,934
I love the morning.
Anything's possible.

196
00:08:50,966 --> 00:08:53,335
The whole day's ahead
of you, you know?

197
00:08:53,379 --> 00:08:55,392
Last night, Nick struggled
with impotence.

198
00:08:55,411 --> 00:08:58,148
Oh, my God, I'm not
talking you about this.

199
00:08:58,181 --> 00:09:01,675
Jess, look, I get it. You don't want my
help, but just do me a favor please.

200
00:09:01,797 --> 00:09:03,295
Let me know when you're
not mad at me anymore

201
00:09:03,307 --> 00:09:07,279
so I can tell you about how men crave
danger and variety in their sexual lives.

202
00:09:07,386 --> 00:09:10,590
I just hope it's not too
late, fingers crossed.

203
00:09:12,920 --> 00:09:14,356
What are you talking about?

204
00:09:14,390 --> 00:09:17,736
I mean, I don't care,
but if I did...

205
00:09:17,780 --> 00:09:20,288
- theoretically.
- Theoretically,

206
00:09:20,576 --> 00:09:24,197
I would tell you for-for a man whose
midsection is basically mush,

207
00:09:24,228 --> 00:09:25,886
Nick has had a lot of sex.

208
00:09:25,911 --> 00:09:28,124
He's pushed that
mush all over town.

209
00:09:28,199 --> 00:09:30,587
And you know what,
he's got some very weird taste.

210
00:09:30,612 --> 00:09:32,402
Dark, real fringe stuff.

211
00:09:32,427 --> 00:09:34,608
He likes stuff
that they don't even have porn for.

212
00:09:34,625 --> 00:09:39,242
And you know, a lot of women wouldn't
think to do the Captain in-in bed.

213
00:09:39,719 --> 00:09:42,000
- What? - That was a mistake. I
shouldn't have said anything.

214
00:09:42,061 --> 00:09:44,588
I didn't want to talk about the Captain.
It was a thing, and I did and...

215
00:09:44,612 --> 00:09:46,756
- Do you want a smoothie?
- What's the Captain?

216
00:09:47,723 --> 00:09:50,194
(Sighs) Well, it
starts off with...

217
00:09:50,423 --> 00:09:51,523
(Blender whirring)

218
00:09:51,557 --> 00:09:54,192
(Muffled talking)

219
00:09:54,227 --> 00:09:55,483
(Blender stops)

220
00:09:55,515 --> 00:09:57,667
But you want to clean
yourself up immediately.

221
00:09:57,692 --> 00:09:59,253
I mean immediately.

222
00:09:59,281 --> 00:10:01,048
(Blender whirring)
And then you...

223
00:10:03,035 --> 00:10:05,723
(Blender stops) How comfortable
are you with racial slurs?

224
00:10:05,985 --> 00:10:07,498
(Blender whirring)
Then you...

225
00:10:07,541 --> 00:10:11,066
(Muffled talking)

226
00:10:11,768 --> 00:10:13,527
(Blender stops)
That's basically it.

227
00:10:13,914 --> 00:10:15,356
That's what Nick wants in bed?

228
00:10:15,381 --> 00:10:18,177
Yeah, I know. Look, you're probably
not up for it. It's my... It's my fault.

229
00:10:18,185 --> 00:10:20,178
It's very degrading,
it's offensive, and you,

230
00:10:20,190 --> 00:10:22,882
you just don't have the time
to learn all those dolphin sounds.

231
00:10:22,895 --> 00:10:25,798
Are you sure you don't want some
of this smoothie? It's straw-bana.

232
00:10:27,120 --> 00:10:28,854
Okay, Ferguson, this is
a big moment in your life.

233
00:10:28,869 --> 00:10:31,137
All right, just be
yourself, you dawg.

234
00:10:31,175 --> 00:10:33,319
Winston, I think I found a way to...

235
00:10:34,748 --> 00:10:36,641
You want to try some catnip?

236
00:10:37,630 --> 00:10:39,230
This is a real bummer.

237
00:10:44,878 --> 00:10:46,348
Ahoy, Nicholas.

238
00:10:48,307 --> 00:10:51,107
- (Imitates foghorn)
- Wait, I'm scared!

239
00:11:00,820 --> 00:11:02,498
- Hey.
- Hey.

240
00:11:02,548 --> 00:11:04,036
I'm so glad you could make it.

241
00:11:04,054 --> 00:11:06,699
- Oh, thanks.
- Let's, um, let's head to my room.

242
00:11:06,710 --> 00:11:08,761
Oh, you're not wasting any time.

243
00:11:08,767 --> 00:11:11,208
You know, it's just that I have
very judgy roommates, you know,

244
00:11:11,226 --> 00:11:13,165
that might get a little weirded
out if they walked in the room

245
00:11:13,195 --> 00:11:15,301
- and saw something they weren't
supposed to see. - Oh. (Chuckles)

246
00:11:15,332 --> 00:11:17,166
Or it's whatever,
whatever Fatty wants.

247
00:11:17,189 --> 00:11:20,001
- What do you want, Fatty?
- Fatty wants to see your room.

248
00:11:20,026 --> 00:11:21,794
That's awesome. Great news.
You hear that, Ferguson?

249
00:11:21,822 --> 00:11:24,153
- Y'all go play.
- Yeah? There you go.

250
00:11:24,272 --> 00:11:28,103
- He was nervous.
- Well, good thing I brought this.

251
00:11:28,789 --> 00:11:30,145
Yeah, we can't give
wine to these cats.

252
00:11:30,178 --> 00:11:33,248
It's been a tough six months,
and this cat needs a drink so...

253
00:11:34,013 --> 00:11:34,907
O-Okay.

254
00:11:34,925 --> 00:11:36,943
- I don't think they care. They're
not listening at all. - Mm-mm.

255
00:11:36,961 --> 00:11:38,736
- They're too into each other.
- Yeah.

256
00:11:38,942 --> 00:11:41,884
Nick, we have to talk
about this, okay?

257
00:11:42,243 --> 00:11:43,595
All right, I'll go first.

258
00:11:43,621 --> 00:11:45,355
(Sighs)
Listen...

259
00:11:46,134 --> 00:11:50,378
I was uncomfortable with some of
the specifics of what we just did.

260
00:11:50,403 --> 00:11:53,848
For example, when I said,
"You like that, huh?"

261
00:11:54,070 --> 00:11:57,739
I felt like you really,
really didn't like it.

262
00:11:58,476 --> 00:11:59,614
How do you feel?

263
00:11:59,647 --> 00:12:00,739
I just...

264
00:12:00,846 --> 00:12:02,209
(Laughs nervously)

265
00:12:02,273 --> 00:12:04,141
I feel like, you know...

266
00:12:04,793 --> 00:12:07,127
No, it's just kind of like...
be... I mean...

267
00:12:09,648 --> 00:12:11,364
Uh...

268
00:12:11,587 --> 00:12:13,591
It was good, you know.
It's over.

269
00:12:14,140 --> 00:12:16,129
Love sleeping birdsty.

270
00:12:16,254 --> 00:12:20,411
I just want to know what I did wrong.
How does the Captain normally go?

271
00:12:20,804 --> 00:12:23,605
- The what?
- The Captain. What we just did.

272
00:12:24,094 --> 00:12:26,060
I've never done that in my life.

273
00:12:26,072 --> 00:12:28,044
- We did that because you wanted to, Jess.
- What?!

274
00:12:28,078 --> 00:12:29,761
Why would I want to do that?

275
00:12:29,785 --> 00:12:33,800
That's degrading to not only
women but all of mankind, Nick.

276
00:12:33,825 --> 00:12:37,681
- I know. - I only did that 'cause Schmidt
told me it was your favorite thing...

277
00:12:40,541 --> 00:12:43,359
Did you say, 'cause
Schmidt said?

278
00:12:43,376 --> 00:12:45,583
No, no, no, no.
Did you just...

279
00:12:45,589 --> 00:12:48,927
Did you talk to... tight
pants and eyebrows...

280
00:12:48,951 --> 00:12:50,934
Who was I supposed
to talk to, Nick?

281
00:12:50,940 --> 00:12:53,043
Every time I tried to talk to
you about your penis problems,

282
00:12:53,068 --> 00:12:56,019
- you went to move your car.
- Those aren't penis problems.

283
00:12:56,268 --> 00:12:59,171
What is... Did you talk to Winston
about my penis problems?

284
00:12:59,189 --> 00:13:00,890
- What about Cece, did she get a call?
- He wasn't around.

285
00:13:00,907 --> 00:13:03,382
Schmidt told me he had
a PhD in Nickology.

286
00:13:03,406 --> 00:13:05,063
He doesn't. There's no such...

287
00:13:05,096 --> 00:13:06,896
We have to talk about our
feelings 'cause we're together.

288
00:13:06,913 --> 00:13:09,543
If we needed to talk about feelings,

289
00:13:09,707 --> 00:13:11,388
they would be called "talkings."

290
00:13:11,422 --> 00:13:13,085
No, that is not true. Nick...

291
00:13:13,097 --> 00:13:15,194
- That is 100%...
- This is it...

292
00:13:15,212 --> 00:13:17,211
This is Schmidt getting in our heads.

293
00:13:17,242 --> 00:13:19,014
- I'm going to kill him!
- Jessica, wait.

294
00:13:19,039 --> 00:13:21,535
- Schmidt!
- I can't run that fast... The Captain!

295
00:13:21,587 --> 00:13:24,112
I trusted you. You
took advantage of me.

296
00:13:24,136 --> 00:13:25,672
- Something wrong?
- You set us up.

297
00:13:25,702 --> 00:13:28,155
I've done things to
Nick I can't ever undo.

298
00:13:28,170 --> 00:13:30,708
You see, your fatal flaw...
Communication.

299
00:13:30,839 --> 00:13:33,334
You won't shut up about your
feelings, and the only thing

300
00:13:33,352 --> 00:13:35,857
this dummy wants to talk about
is the Chicago Brown Bears.

301
00:13:35,876 --> 00:13:37,531
It's just the Chicago Bears.
There's no brown...

302
00:13:37,549 --> 00:13:39,287
Who cares? I put a pebble
in your path

303
00:13:39,311 --> 00:13:41,212
and the two of you cracked
your tiny little skulls on it.

304
00:13:41,228 --> 00:13:43,863
Ooh, by the way, how
was the Captain?

305
00:13:43,884 --> 00:13:45,246
Did you make it all the
way to the spyglass?

306
00:13:45,283 --> 00:13:48,029
Yes, Schmidt! And my
night vision's very good

307
00:13:48,060 --> 00:13:49,879
'cause my eyes are
so buggy and big

308
00:13:49,897 --> 00:13:52,562
and I saw everything and I
can't erase it from my memory.

309
00:13:52,581 --> 00:13:54,018
Please, Jess, stop
talking about the Captain.

310
00:13:54,036 --> 00:13:56,673
Why don't we just go back
to being roommates. Okay?

311
00:13:56,685 --> 00:13:58,286
Nick, what do you say?

312
00:13:58,424 --> 00:14:00,595
The floor is yours. You want
to tell us how you feel?

313
00:14:00,613 --> 00:14:02,358
- Me?
- Yeah.

314
00:14:02,508 --> 00:14:04,842
Well... I think it's...

315
00:14:05,383 --> 00:14:06,786
I just...

316
00:14:10,150 --> 00:14:11,884
Beautifully said. Thank you, Nick.

317
00:14:11,904 --> 00:14:12,867
Enjoy the breakup.

318
00:14:12,903 --> 00:14:16,278
If you need me, I'll be in my room
listening to some mainstream hip-hop.

319
00:14:17,135 --> 00:14:18,704
Stop!

320
00:14:25,145 --> 00:14:27,192
I have feelings.

321
00:14:32,606 --> 00:14:34,835
I didn't like when
you did the Captain.

322
00:14:35,118 --> 00:14:36,952
It made me feel...

323
00:14:38,679 --> 00:14:39,398
bad.

324
00:14:39,416 --> 00:14:42,671
Okay, I've... I've never
seen this sober before.

325
00:14:42,690 --> 00:14:46,024
Stop, it's my turn. You talk
too much and it frustrates me.

326
00:14:46,042 --> 00:14:48,668
Sometimes you talk even
after you've fallen asleep.

327
00:14:48,795 --> 00:14:50,501
How do you breathe? Where
do you get the words?

328
00:14:50,519 --> 00:14:54,251
But it doesn't matter, Jess,
because I like you a lot.

329
00:14:54,560 --> 00:14:56,128
But maybe do that less, okay?

330
00:14:56,145 --> 00:14:59,059
Nick, I just feel... Sorry.

331
00:14:59,126 --> 00:15:01,519
I'm so sorry. Just...
keep going.

332
00:15:01,552 --> 00:15:03,330
I don't know. Um...

333
00:15:03,790 --> 00:15:07,116
I really like the
instrument of the cello.

334
00:15:07,393 --> 00:15:09,578
I like the cello a lot, and
I don't talk about it a lot

335
00:15:09,605 --> 00:15:12,399
but I should because I feel
very passionate about it.

336
00:15:12,417 --> 00:15:14,049
It's a beautiful instrument.

337
00:15:14,061 --> 00:15:16,323
It's like a guitar
but it stands up.

338
00:15:16,518 --> 00:15:21,837
I once saw a zebra named Gavin give birth
at the zoo, and I cried hysterically.

339
00:15:21,929 --> 00:15:23,954
And then I bought one of
those stretched out pennies

340
00:15:23,972 --> 00:15:26,672
that you can get to remember it and
then I lost that and I cried again.

341
00:15:26,714 --> 00:15:29,283
Sometimes when I smell dust in
like an attic or something,

342
00:15:29,302 --> 00:15:32,133
like that mothy, dusty,
I think about my mother.

343
00:15:32,206 --> 00:15:34,096
When I was 14, I saw
my mother change,

344
00:15:34,115 --> 00:15:36,653
and I saw her whole body
naked without underpants on.

345
00:15:37,090 --> 00:15:38,846
I really like when
a rap song uses a choir.

346
00:15:38,871 --> 00:15:41,246
It makes me feel really happy
when all those ladies' voices

347
00:15:41,276 --> 00:15:43,796
come in and then the guy's rapping.
I think it's awesome.

348
00:15:43,830 --> 00:15:46,089
- I'm really proud of you, Nick.
- I really like you.

349
00:15:46,190 --> 00:15:47,320
(Softly): I like you, too.

350
00:15:47,351 --> 00:15:50,484
And it's been a month
and I'm not scared.

351
00:15:50,792 --> 00:15:52,088
Unless you're doing the Captain,

352
00:15:52,131 --> 00:15:55,400
and then I experience very real
fear and it's very visceral...

353
00:15:55,435 --> 00:15:56,636
Just kiss me.

354
00:15:56,669 --> 00:15:58,125
No kissing in the living room!

355
00:15:58,160 --> 00:15:59,927
(Moaning)

356
00:16:02,016 --> 00:16:04,375
No. No, no, no!
No, no, no, no, no!

357
00:16:05,187 --> 00:16:07,812
Cease lovemaking! All
lovemaking must cease.

358
00:16:07,833 --> 00:16:10,051
- Get out of here, Schmidt!
- Break up!

359
00:16:10,069 --> 00:16:12,044
Just break up already, pl...
Oh, forget it.

360
00:16:12,062 --> 00:16:13,647
- I'm just... I'm-I'm...
- Hey, no, no.

361
00:16:13,674 --> 00:16:15,868
What are you doing? Oh, my
God, he just hit my sack.

362
00:16:15,891 --> 00:16:18,699
Body block! I'm pure core.
I've been training for this.

363
00:16:18,720 --> 00:16:20,338
Yeah, human dental dam.

364
00:16:20,381 --> 00:16:22,616
(Soft music playing)

365
00:16:23,144 --> 00:16:25,738
So... What do you do for fun?

366
00:16:26,169 --> 00:16:27,657
Huh? Oh, um...

367
00:16:27,706 --> 00:16:30,136
- You know, like all good things.
- Like what? Tell me one thing.

368
00:16:30,159 --> 00:16:31,326
(Thumping and shouting in other room)

369
00:16:31,354 --> 00:16:32,948
I'm sorry, do you hear noise?

370
00:16:32,979 --> 00:16:34,073
- Oh...
- Do you hear shouting?

371
00:16:34,085 --> 00:16:35,673
- 'Cause I'm just...
- Yeah.

372
00:16:35,717 --> 00:16:36,958
WINSTON:
No. No, no, no, no, no.

373
00:16:36,976 --> 00:16:38,302
(Thumping continues)
(Winston shouts)

374
00:16:38,324 --> 00:16:40,218
Who the hell messed
up the mood?!

375
00:16:40,243 --> 00:16:41,610
(Panting)

376
00:16:41,659 --> 00:16:43,613
- Schmidt, Schmidt.
- Hey.

377
00:16:43,755 --> 00:16:45,106
Put down my condoms.

378
00:16:45,134 --> 00:16:48,403
- Pull it together, Schmidt.
- It's raining celibacy. Hallelujah.

379
00:16:48,432 --> 00:16:50,428
- You're losing it, man.
- If I'm not having sex in this loft,

380
00:16:50,440 --> 00:16:53,633
nobody's having sex in
this loft. Hyah!

381
00:16:55,690 --> 00:16:57,046
- Oh, hey, hey.
- NICK: Hey, hey.

382
00:16:57,071 --> 00:16:58,982
Oh, my birth control pills.

383
00:16:58,992 --> 00:17:02,048
- NICK: You don't want to do this, my man.
- Yes, I do want to do this.

384
00:17:02,192 --> 00:17:04,223
It's the only way to get this place
back to the way that it was.

385
00:17:04,255 --> 00:17:06,686
- Put them down. Give them to me.
- Give them to Jess.

386
00:17:06,757 --> 00:17:08,960
- Come on, buddy, it's not worth it.
- No fear!

387
00:17:08,980 --> 00:17:11,081
- Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday.
- JESS: Oh, my God.

388
00:17:11,109 --> 00:17:13,024
Why didn't you just throw
them in the sink, you idiot.

389
00:17:13,043 --> 00:17:15,070
You better pray that
was a placebo week.

390
00:17:15,098 --> 00:17:17,229
Is he eating birth
control pills?

391
00:17:17,455 --> 00:17:20,023
Friday! Full wheel, bitches!

392
00:17:20,371 --> 00:17:22,133
(Weakly):
I win. I don't feel good.

393
00:17:22,155 --> 00:17:25,766
Guys, come on, our cats were
just about to have sex.

394
00:17:26,938 --> 00:17:28,680
Oh, my God.

395
00:17:28,802 --> 00:17:30,952
Oh, my God, this whole
time I thought...

396
00:17:32,560 --> 00:17:33,555
(Snorts)

397
00:17:33,580 --> 00:17:34,749
What?

398
00:17:34,830 --> 00:17:38,130
Fatty, come on.
We're out of here.

399
00:17:41,049 --> 00:17:43,532
So, what do you guys
think, loft meeting in 20?

400
00:17:43,576 --> 00:17:44,735
Yeah, I'll be there in 15.

401
00:17:44,759 --> 00:17:48,189
Got to stick my head in a paper bag
and scream at the top of my lungs.

402
00:17:48,219 --> 00:17:49,215
(Chuckles)

403
00:17:49,227 --> 00:17:51,184
Oh, yeah, there'll be no snacks.

404
00:17:54,323 --> 00:17:55,287
(Schmidt moans)

405
00:17:55,312 --> 00:17:58,357
Schmidt, I just looked it up. There's
no way estrogen works that fast.

406
00:17:58,376 --> 00:18:00,632
- You don't know my body.
- Please, stop talking about your body.

407
00:18:00,643 --> 00:18:02,412
Okay, that's a good segue...

408
00:18:02,505 --> 00:18:06,720
to some of the more relevant topics that
I would like to cover in this meeting.

409
00:18:06,738 --> 00:18:08,706
Like, uh, personal space.

410
00:18:09,005 --> 00:18:10,219
Public space.

411
00:18:10,250 --> 00:18:11,972
Other people's medicines...

412
00:18:12,084 --> 00:18:13,880
Taking them versus not taking them.

413
00:18:13,909 --> 00:18:15,609
I am so aware
of my nipples right now.

414
00:18:15,644 --> 00:18:16,911
Okay, that's a good start.

415
00:18:16,932 --> 00:18:20,243
If someone were to blow on my
nipples, I would positively scream.

416
00:18:20,268 --> 00:18:21,458
Boundaries.

417
00:18:21,693 --> 00:18:23,681
- Any takers?
- All right, we live here.

418
00:18:23,937 --> 00:18:26,209
- Where are we supposed to go?
- This is my fault.

419
00:18:26,233 --> 00:18:28,574
'Cause I'm going through
a sexual awakening.

420
00:18:28,598 --> 00:18:33,012
It's like I'm tapping into
this raw sexual energy

421
00:18:33,030 --> 00:18:34,821
that the universe is putting forth.

422
00:18:34,839 --> 00:18:37,637
And it's just both imploding
and exploding at the same time.

423
00:18:37,663 --> 00:18:40,713
And it's kind of like
I'm a young nun.

424
00:18:41,225 --> 00:18:43,700
And Nick is my sexy monseigneur.

425
00:18:43,832 --> 00:18:45,632
And I'm a...

426
00:18:47,054 --> 00:18:49,426
- I'm just going to shut up.
- Both of you need to shut up, okay?

427
00:18:49,432 --> 00:18:51,069
You're having sex,
not inventing it.

428
00:18:51,097 --> 00:18:52,467
- It can't be that good.
- It's good.

429
00:18:52,479 --> 00:18:54,433
Stop saying, "Squeeze my biscuits."

430
00:18:54,464 --> 00:18:56,205
- I'm serious, Nick.
- Sorry.

431
00:18:56,230 --> 00:18:58,462
And, Schmidt, stop taking it out
on everybody else, man.

432
00:18:58,502 --> 00:18:59,882
Deal with your breakups.

433
00:18:59,899 --> 00:19:02,898
Ain't no way in hell I got a cat
brothel going on in my room

434
00:19:02,904 --> 00:19:05,160
and I'm the only normal
person in this loft.

435
00:19:11,534 --> 00:19:13,536
You did a bad thing.

436
00:19:14,328 --> 00:19:16,013
Deal with it.

437
00:19:33,659 --> 00:19:35,182
(Door opens)

438
00:19:37,223 --> 00:19:38,579
What's that?

439
00:19:38,614 --> 00:19:41,200
Oh, it's just what I needed.

440
00:19:43,772 --> 00:19:45,534
This gum is crap.

441
00:19:46,680 --> 00:19:47,847
(Man chuckles)

442
00:19:47,899 --> 00:19:49,066
(Elevator bell dings)

443
00:19:49,114 --> 00:19:51,415
(Cece speaks indistinctly)

444
00:19:51,537 --> 00:19:53,171
(Cece laughs softly)

445
00:19:53,401 --> 00:19:55,107
- NICK: You ready?
- What is it?

446
00:19:55,139 --> 00:19:57,239
- Just keep your eyes closed.
- (Laughs)

447
00:19:57,272 --> 00:19:59,607
- All right, stand right there, okay?
- Okay.

448
00:20:01,255 --> 00:20:02,756
Turn around.

449
00:20:04,390 --> 00:20:05,490
(Laughing)

450
00:20:05,524 --> 00:20:07,416
- I love it.
- Yeah.

451
00:20:08,339 --> 00:20:10,642
I don't... I don't
know what it is.

452
00:20:10,663 --> 00:20:13,043
All right, then yell something.
(Yells)

453
00:20:13,099 --> 00:20:14,432
I soundproofed it.

454
00:20:14,604 --> 00:20:17,846
- What's wrong? I just heard yelling.
- Get out of here, man.

455
00:20:19,861 --> 00:20:21,874
He must... He must've literally
been right by the door.

456
00:20:21,887 --> 00:20:23,850
It is soundproofed... That's what
the egg crates are for, so...

457
00:20:23,862 --> 00:20:26,714
Nick, I just want
to say something. Um...

458
00:20:27,390 --> 00:20:29,410
This last month...

459
00:20:29,709 --> 00:20:31,927
has been the best
month of my life.

460
00:20:34,954 --> 00:20:36,167
Me, too.

461
00:20:36,305 --> 00:20:41,309
I've never, you know, felt this
way or had this with anybody.

462
00:20:42,146 --> 00:20:44,884
It's like there's been
this fog around my life,

463
00:20:44,915 --> 00:20:46,896
and with you, all of
a sudden it's gone.

464
00:20:46,927 --> 00:20:48,771
I love that you can express
your feelings now.

465
00:20:48,804 --> 00:20:52,351
Yeah, it's a weird feeling. It's
kind of like gross but also good.

466
00:20:52,730 --> 00:20:54,750
You know? It's like an egg broke.

467
00:20:54,863 --> 00:20:58,550
And then, like, all the yolk
comes out but it's good.

468
00:20:58,791 --> 00:21:01,819
I'm happy to admit
I like love songs.

469
00:21:02,289 --> 00:21:03,739
I understand them.

470
00:21:03,852 --> 00:21:08,265
They're really sad. They're mostly about
either the girl or the guy got away.

471
00:21:08,288 --> 00:21:10,001
They're heartbreaking numbers.

472
00:21:10,071 --> 00:21:11,771
The air... Do you feel it?

473
00:21:11,790 --> 00:21:14,832
I guess this is the air you
breathe, but it's nice.

474
00:21:14,863 --> 00:21:16,557
I feel like I'm on
this whole new planet.

475
00:21:16,567 --> 00:21:19,718
(Clears throat)
How about your two...

476
00:21:20,546 --> 00:21:23,130
- favorite planets?
- Oh, yeah, those are great.

477
00:21:23,217 --> 00:21:27,007
But I also feel like being with you,
I've finally, for the first time,

478
00:21:27,024 --> 00:21:29,940
and I know this sounds crazy,
but I can see the stars.

479
00:21:29,965 --> 00:21:32,051
You know, the other great thing
about talking about our feelings

480
00:21:32,070 --> 00:21:34,677
is we don't need to
do it all the time.

481
00:21:34,702 --> 00:21:36,368
Thank you for expressing that.

482
00:21:36,397 --> 00:21:38,725
- I feel like I can see you...
- Uh-huh.

483
00:21:38,746 --> 00:21:40,174
...in 3-D vision.

484
00:21:40,191 --> 00:21:42,329
- Everyone sees in 3-D.
- Hmm.

485
00:21:42,353 --> 00:21:44,813
So, would you like to take
my bra off, or should I?

486
00:21:44,844 --> 00:21:46,719
See, I feel excited
to take your bra off.

487
00:21:46,744 --> 00:21:48,742
- So, do it.
- I love your breasts.

488
00:21:48,760 --> 00:21:50,976
Just mixing it up with
those two things.

489
00:21:51,007 --> 00:21:52,900
- I'm not even nervous to do it.
- So, do it.

490
00:21:52,918 --> 00:21:55,469
- I feel excited to... Okay, right now.
- Let's do this.

491
00:21:55,596 --> 00:22:01,596
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