Hey, diary.
Okay. So, lately, I've been thinking a lot about my first
and, so far, only boyfriend, Michael.
This just isn't working.
I want to be with someone who excites me.
And sometimes when you're talking,
my mind... it goes somewhere else.
But I don't understand.
I thought you liked me.
I'm sorry. What?
He said I was boring.
And that really, really hurt.
But I've realized I'm never gonna get better with guys if I never try.
So, this week, I am attempting Internet dating.
It worked great for my aunt,
and she has five dead cats behind her sofa.
So, look out, World Wide Web...
Kimmie Boubier is coming for you.
♪ Don't stop me now ♪
♪ I'm having such a good time ♪ ♪ Good time ♪
♪ I'm having a ball ♪ ♪ Super fun night ♪
♪ Don't stop me now ♪ ♪ 'Cause I'm havin' a good time ♪
♪ I don't want to stop at all ♪
♪ Super fun night ♪ ♪ Super fun wild night ♪
Internet dating? I don't know, Kimmie.
There are too many weirdos online.
Helen-Alice, seriously, you've got nothing to worry about.
'Cause we can do this together.
- Look. This is a group-dating site. - Okay.
Three on three... three girls meet for drinks
and good times...
Oh, yeah.
With three guys.
And look at the pictures of these guys.
That guy looks ethnically ambiguous.
It says all we need to do to join the fun
is to fill out our three-on-three group questionnaire.
This seems great.
I mean, I am 200% on board with this.
All right. Group date.
Unh!
- Group date! - Group date!
- Guys.
And make sure in my physical description,
- it says "heaving bosoms." - "Heaving..."
Okay, next question... "What is your idea of a perfect Saturday?"
Oh! I totally got this.
Okay, sleep in, eat some "Belgie waffs."
Uh, wait... No, write "Belgian waffles,"
'cause they might not know what that means.
Okay. "Belgian waffles."
- Kimmie. - Yeah.
Um...Okay.
Put, "Go to a Renaissance faire."
Oh, no. Wait. That might make me sound weird.
Put, "Go to a Renaissance festival."
- Perfect. - Nice.
- Yeah, a Renaissance fest. - Better.
"Fest"? Okay.
Okay. I will say, "Take the S.A.T.s."
Duh-doy.
I can't wear rayon.
S... Okay. All right.
- That's... That's it. - This could be it.
- All we have to do is press send. - Oh, shoot.
- Boom! - Oh, my gosh.
Wait, wait, wait.
- Is there a response? - Anything?
- Not yet. - Okay.
I can't feel my left arm.
- Anything? Anything? - How about now?
Can anyone tell me
why I have called an emergency meeting today?
If this is about the blockage in the women's bathroom,
I may or may not know about that.
We are about to lose Peter Crane...
and his $30 million account.
Ah, Peter Crane... Billionaire tech visionary/knobhead.
Yes, and currently one of our most important clients.
Samit & Egg are trying to poach him.
Obviously, we can't lose him.
Um, I've prepared a report highlighting our success
with tech companies.
Um, oh.
No, that's my "Pretty Little Liars" fantasy fiction.
I make them all fat and ugly.
Kimmie, it is gonna take more than just numbers to keep Peter Crane.
So I invited him to join us for dinner tomorrow night at Nuvolo.
Please don't say we're going to have to schmooze Peter Crane
in order for him to stay.
I would literally rather have gout.
Well, whatever you need me to do,
I am ready!
I appreciate your enthusiasm, Kimmie.
You won't be coming.
Why not?
How can I put this nicely?
This kind of thing requires a certain maturity.
And a certain lack of personal integrity.
Schmoozing a man is kind of like a performance...
It's all about selling the fantasy.
But I could schmooze!
Sorry, Kimmie... You schmooze, we lose.
It's just Richard and I tomorrow night.
You know what, Kimmie? I'd take the win on this one.
An evening with Peter Crane is likely to be pretty wretched.
I am sure you've got more entertaining things to do with your evening?
Um...Yeah.
Yeah.
Zero responses?
Well, hold up, here.
Are... Are you telling me that this thing is saying
that three hot chicks such as ourselves
just struck out?
Maybe we just need to wait longer.
It's no use. We're finished.
I read that the first 24 hours are the most critical.
But that's in murder cases.
But I think it applies here, as well.
I just don't understand why we can't meet guys the old-fashioned way...
Just fake a car accident and wait for somebody to pull over.
- We don't have a car, Marika. - Oh, yeah.
Eight million people in New York, and we can't find three guys to date.
It's so depressing.
Let's just face it... We're just not the dating types.
This doesn't make sense.
Why wouldn't anybody want to date us?
Sell the fantasy.
I told you guys we'd get a response.
Yeah.
Kimmie, I'm so excited.
I didn't think anyone would respond to our profile,
and now we're going on an Internet date.
Who knew the computer could be used for pleasure?
- Where's Marika? - She's still in the bathroom.
- Go get her. - Oh. Okay.
Marika, come on. We can't be late.
You know those taxis don't like stopping for us.
I am coming in.
Do not be naked.
What's going on?
I-I can't do this.
What are you talking about? You were 200% on board.
That was just jock talk.
It's like my old tennis coach used to say...
"Marika, you talk big jock, but your jock walk's a crock."
I'm scared.
I don't know how to talk to guys.
I mean, look at me, Kimmie. I...
I haven't worn a dress since prom.
Like, I look...stupid.
I...
Okay, I-I think you look pretty great.
I think you guys should just go without me.
No way.
Any guy out there tonight would be so lucky to get you.
- For real? - Uh, yes.
You're a hot-babe tennis coach. Okay?
You've got the best calves this side of Fifth Avenue.
Yes.
- Yeah, you're right. - Okay?
- Yeah, okay. - Let's just get off the bench.
- It's game time. - All right. Put me in, coach.
Okay. I will.
I got to tell you, though...
I forgot about the increased airflow you get
in your lady bits when you wear these things.
It's true. Just... Oh! Oh!
Okay, guys.
Um, before our dates get here,
I just really want to say
that I tinkered with the profile slightly.
"Tinkered"?
Just embellished... Whatever.
What?
How much did you embellish, Kimmie?
Um, maybe just...
or...
oh, and then I a-added...
Excuse me.
Are you three ladies here for the three-on-three date?
Uh...Yes.
Hello.
I am Kimmie,
Russian high-fashion model from Kiev.
Told you.
So, basically, you lied.
It worked.
We didn't get anything being ourselves,
so I just sold the fantasy.
And now we have three guys out there who are dying to meet us.
Okay, so who am I?
You are a globe-trotting botanist
who collects rare plants and specializes in bushes.
Come on. Why can't I be a model?
You said I looked good.
- We can't all be models, Marika! - Ohh!
It's unrealistic.
Okay. Okay. Okay.
- And, Helen-Alice. - Mm-hmm.
You're a simple tattoo artist...
- Ohh. - ...who also plays
second oboe for the New York Philharmonic.
- You're gunning for number one, though. - Kimmie, this is bad.
I don't know anything about anything of what you just said.
- Kimmie, this is not right. - No, this is really gonna work.
Just follow my plan and be yourselves...
that I told you to be.
Okay.
- Quick. - I'm a botanist.
- This is gonna turn out terribly. - Hello, I'm a botanist.
Okay. Sorry to rush to bathroom.
As you might know, models have teeny-tiny bladders.
Uh, so, please to chitchat
and introduce ourselves, yes?
Oh, uh, I'm Marika.
I'm a botanist.
I enjoy working with...
plants.
So...
- I play the oboe. That's me. - Oh!
The oboe is one of the most elegant and misunderstood of the woodwinds.
Nice to meet you all. My name's Benji.
- Hi. - And what is up, ladies?
I'm Steve "Rrrubaiyat."
You know it. You know it.
Tongue roll. "Rrr."
Super-stoked to meet you guys.
How about we order some appetizers, huh?
Da. Da.
I'm Dan, by the way.
I seem to have been overlooked in the hurly-burly of introductions,
but I am here.
I do exist.
- Hi. - Hi.
And, hey, if you listen close enough,
you just might find I'm a pretty damn interesting guy.
Dan, you know, you remind me a lot of man from my village.
One winter, it got so cold,
we had to feed him to the wolves.
Bec...
How did that solve the cold problem?
So, um...
- Oh, kale salad. - Kale salad.
- That sounds awesome.
Why don't we cut through this bull?
What are we doing here,
other than giving Kendall here
the chance to stare into these steely blue eyes?
I find they're actually like a sort of browny green.
- I beg your pardon? - We just realized
that we hadn't checked in with our favorite client in a while.
- Yeah. - So this wouldn't have anything to do
with the meeting I took last week at Samit & Egg?
No.
- Oh, you're good, Peter. - Yes.
You're very good.
It does.
You see, I can smell fear.
And right now... P-U... You both stink.
I'm talking about you stink, and you stink, too...
I'm sorry.
Like a couple of scared animals that I'm about to shoot.
- Pew! Pew! - Oh.
You do much hunting, Richard?
Uh, me... No.
Easter eggs, mainly.
That's different.
I imagine you're probably pretty busy just spending daddy's money, right?
Well, I work for him, so, yes.
I mean, I quite... I don't quite understand what you me... Sorry.
Ah! I'm hungry. Who's hungry?
Can we have some bread over here, please?
Ah, this is so much fun.
Yes, isn't it?
Isn't this place cool?
All the food is served in Mason jars.
Yes, it is exactly the same way
in all the trendy restaurants in Moscow. Ow.
So, tell me, how did you, uh, get into modeling?
Ooh.
Good question.
In the, um, uh, "Russia's Next Top Model."
- Mm. - Yeah.
I win trip to NYC.
My beauty wins out.
I am champion in my village.
And now I have giant apartment,
a doorman, fitness center...
small pets. Okay.
Wow.
All right. Let's cut the chitchat.
Life story, 30 seconds. Do not bore me. Go.
It all began 5,000 years ago in the land of the mighty pharaohs.
A high priest climbed the mighty pyramid
and foretold of one as yet to be born...
"Dan shall be his name,
and like the mighty pyramids shall be his heart!"
Wow, Dan. That was a pretty crazy response.
That's just Dan being Dan.
What's, like, the coolest place that you ever got to see?
Great Wall of China...
Cool.
..i-in a blimp,
with, also, celebrity-man Nick Lachey.
Ooh!
Private concert...
- Above the Great... - It was 99 degrees.
No, it's...
- 98... 98 degrees. - 98 degrees.
The band.
We're so grateful you agreed to this date with us.
We just moved to the city.
Oh!
Well, I'm sure you'll like it.
Have you seen the Empire State Building?
It's been featured in numerous films and television shows,
such as "King Kong" and "Ghost Busters."
Oh. I loved both those movies.
Me too.
Remember when King Kong climbed up the Empire State...
...pire State Building?
Yeah.
How did you know I was going to say...
...say that?
So, botany, huh?
What's your favorite plant of all time?
Like, I mean, out of every single plant that ever lived?
Lettuce.
Hmm.
Yeah.
Yeah. That's very nice.
Oh, sorry. No. None for me.
- Thank you. - Oh. Of course not.
Richard can't handle his liquor.
Actually, on the contrary, I can.
That's just the problem... I keep going until...
If you gentlemen would excuse me, I'm just going to the ladies' room.
Beautiful, beautiful woman right there...
Very beautiful woman.
I'm trying to decide whether or not I should sleep with her.
Well, don't you think that, uh, Kendall should be part of that decision?
I want to tell you something, dick, about a woman like Kendall...
You see, she's attracted to powerful men,
and your problem is that you don't know how to use your power like I do.
Is that your opinion?
Cut my steak.
I'm sorry?
Cut my steak and feed it to me.
I-I'm not going to cut your steak.
I believe that you will,
because if you don't, tomorrow morning,
you lose a $30 million account,
and I wonder what daddy would think about that.
I'm so hungry for steak.
- I-I-I can't. - Just a little baby bite.
- I don't think I... - Little pieces.
- This is ridiculous, Peter. - Little pieces for my mouth.
I mean, we've actually been on a couple of these group dates before,
and I got to say,
it's really refreshing to be with people
who are as cool in person as they are online.
I-I think it would be really great to go to one of your photo shoots.
So...?
It's impossible.
Because, unfortunately,
we're leaving the country tomorrow.
- What? - What?
I just got the call from the embassy.
- Embassy? - Quick...
We must get to the drop site.
Damn this war.
Forget these faces...
for your own safety.
- Okay, let's just go. - All right.
Farewell?
Quick... to the drop site!
It's this way. Drop site is this way.
Did you do your line about the pharaoh?
I'm sorry.
What are you so upset about?
- We had a great night. - It was a great night.
I really liked that guy Benji.
And I think he might have liked me, too,
but now I'll never know, because of the lies we told.
Thanks to you, I'm never gonna see Benji again.
Uh, I'm not so sure you're never gonna see Benji again, Helen-Alice.
What are you talking about?
It appears that our dates also live in our building.
What?!
Ohh! Ohh!
- You okay, Kimmie? - Yeah.
I think I might have torqued a boob.
But at least we got up here without those guys seeing us, right?
- Yeah, yeah. - Yeah.
No, this is... This is great.
All we have to do for the rest of our lives
is sneak to the back of the building,
climb up onto a dumpster,
and go up the fire escape.
Uh-huh.
Boubier.
Oh, hey, Richard.
Uh, how'd things go last night with Peter Crane?
Terrific. Yes.
It's always been my childhood dream
to be a prostitute.
Can you believe
he made me cut up his steak and feed it to him?
- Is he paralyzed? - Not yet.
Next he'll be asking me
to wipe his bottom for him in the lavatory.
But you sold him the fantasy, right?
Along with my self-esteem...
and a tiny piece of my soul.
There's nothing more rotten
than pretending to be something you're not, Boubier.
I think I know what you mean.
No.
I don't think you do.
Because you're always just... Kimmie.
Kimmie? What are you doing here?
Something happened at the drop site.
- I knew it! - What happened at the drop site?
- Are the girls okay? - Um...
Y-yes.
Yes. Yes. Everything's fine.
I have something to tell you, though.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
For a minute, it sounded like you didn't have an accent.
You sound American.
That's because I am American.
I'm not really a Russian model.
I'm actually a lawyer.
I lied, and...
I made my friends lie, too.
I knew it. Nick Lachey hates blimps.
We don't have the jobs that we said we did.
And we also live right here in the building.
I don't understand why you would do this.
Okay.
I thought maybe I was too boring to get a date.
And I didn't want to disappoint my friends,
so I just bedazzled our lives.
You guys are so nice,
and I know it was really, really wrong,
and I'm really, really, really sorry.
You...
have betrayed us...
beyond measure.
You...
Okay, Benji, Helen-Alice really, really likes you,
and she had nothing to do with this,
so I really hope that you give her a second chance.
I don't know what to say.
Ditto.
You know what really sucks?
We actually liked you guys.
We thought, "Wow, these are three cool girls
that we could possibly hang with."
Do svidaniya.
- That's Russian... - Oh.
...for you lose.
Okay...
Hey, Kimmie, check it out...
No-bake meatloaf.
I don't know what that is, but I want a large slice.
You got it.
Helen-Alice, are you eating?
Nope.
And I'm not talking.
But you just talked.
- I'm not talking, starting... - Starting from when?
Hey.
Oh, my gosh! We've been made.
It's okay, Helen-Alice.
Kimmie told us everything.
I'm not gonna lie... Our feelings were hurt.
We were super-excited to know an actual botanist.
The plant knowledge we'd have access to!
But we thought about it really hard,
and the bottom line is this... You're girls.
Oh. And?
That's it. We don't know any other girls.
So...
Would you guys like to come in now
and join us for dinner?
Uh... That would be very nice. Yes, thank you.
Okay.
Thank you.
Hey. It took pretty big ovaries
to come clean with those guys, Kimmie.
Thank you, Kimmie.
Oh, anything for my besties.
Okay, so, as they say in the mother country,
"Let us eat and then spit on political dissidents."
Hope you guys like ketchup.
Aah!
Ohh!
Oh!
Sync and corrected by Elderfel www.addic7ed.com