1
00:00:01,966 --> 00:00:04,484
("Raiders March"
playing on TV)
2
00:00:09,389 --> 00:00:10,974
So what'd you think?
3
00:00:10,976 --> 00:00:11,975
It was good.
4
00:00:11,977 --> 00:00:13,109
That's it?
5
00:00:13,111 --> 00:00:14,978
"Good"?
6
00:00:14,980 --> 00:00:17,247
I enjoyed it.
When you told me
7
00:00:17,249 --> 00:00:19,165
I was going to be
"losing my virginity,"
8
00:00:19,167 --> 00:00:22,001
I didn't think you meant showing
me Raiders of the Lost Ark
9
00:00:22,003 --> 00:00:23,453
for the first time.
10
00:00:23,455 --> 00:00:26,456
My apologies.
I chose my words poorly.
11
00:00:26,458 --> 00:00:28,258
I should have said
you were about
12
00:00:28,260 --> 00:00:30,576
to have your world
rocked on my couch.
13
00:00:33,414 --> 00:00:35,265
Anyway, thank you
for watching it.
14
00:00:35,267 --> 00:00:37,250
It's one of my
all-time favorites.
15
00:00:37,252 --> 00:00:39,435
It was very entertaining...
16
00:00:39,437 --> 00:00:41,888
despite the glaring
story problem.
17
00:00:43,107 --> 00:00:45,141
Story problem?!
18
00:00:45,143 --> 00:00:47,510
(laughing):
You-- oh, Amy...
19
00:00:48,929 --> 00:00:51,364
What a dewy-eyed
moon-calf you are.
20
00:00:52,099 --> 00:00:53,533
Raiders of the Lost Ark
21
00:00:53,535 --> 00:00:56,953
is the love child of Steven
Spielberg and George Lucas,
22
00:00:56,955 --> 00:00:59,656
two of the most gifted
filmmakers of our generation.
23
00:00:59,658 --> 00:01:02,141
I've watched it 36 times,
24
00:01:02,143 --> 00:01:04,877
except for the snake scene
and the face-melting scene,
25
00:01:04,879 --> 00:01:08,898
which I can only watch when
it's still light out, but...
26
00:01:08,900 --> 00:01:12,218
I defy you to find
a story problem.
27
00:01:12,220 --> 00:01:14,620
Here's my jaw... drop it.
28
00:01:15,539 --> 00:01:17,456
All right.
29
00:01:17,458 --> 00:01:19,592
Indiana Jones
plays no role
30
00:01:19,594 --> 00:01:21,094
in the outcome
of the story.
31
00:01:21,096 --> 00:01:23,062
If he weren't
in the film,
32
00:01:23,064 --> 00:01:25,348
it would turn out
exactly the same.
33
00:01:25,350 --> 00:01:28,851
Oh, I see your confusion.
You don't understand.
34
00:01:28,853 --> 00:01:32,822
Indiana Jones was the one
in the hat with the whip.
35
00:01:32,824 --> 00:01:36,909
No, I do, and if he
weren't in the movie,
36
00:01:36,911 --> 00:01:38,811
the Nazis would have
still found the ark,
37
00:01:38,813 --> 00:01:41,864
taken it to the island,
opened it up and all died...
38
00:01:41,866 --> 00:01:44,450
just like they did.
39
00:01:49,306 --> 00:01:50,923
Let me close that for ya.
40
00:01:52,843 --> 00:01:56,295
♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪
41
00:01:56,297 --> 00:01:59,899
♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪
42
00:01:59,901 --> 00:02:01,434
♪ The Earth began to cool
43
00:02:01,436 --> 00:02:04,003
♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪
44
00:02:04,005 --> 00:02:06,339
♪ We built the Wall
♪ We built the pyramids ♪
45
00:02:06,341 --> 00:02:09,158
♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪
46
00:02:09,160 --> 00:02:11,177
♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪
47
00:02:11,179 --> 00:02:12,338
♪ Bang! ♪
48
00:02:12,339 --> 00:02:16,339
♪ The Big Bang Theory 7x04 ♪
The Raiders Minimization
Original Air Date on October 10, 2013
49
00:02:16,340 --> 00:02:21,340
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
50
00:02:22,929 --> 00:02:23,728
Hey!
51
00:02:23,730 --> 00:02:25,180
Hi! I thought you went
52
00:02:25,182 --> 00:02:27,098
to the comic book store
on Wednesdays.
53
00:02:27,100 --> 00:02:29,150
Yeah, but Sheldon and Amy
were having date night
54
00:02:29,152 --> 00:02:31,486
and they don't need me
there to make it awkward.
55
00:02:33,322 --> 00:02:35,757
They have each other
for that.
56
00:02:35,759 --> 00:02:38,109
So, how was school?
57
00:02:38,111 --> 00:02:39,444
Oh, good.
Check it out.
58
00:02:39,446 --> 00:02:42,514
The Disappointing Child
by Beverly Hofstadter.
59
00:02:42,516 --> 00:02:44,299
(chuckles)
60
00:02:51,674 --> 00:02:53,124
You bought my mom's book?
61
00:02:53,126 --> 00:02:54,275
Yeah!
62
00:02:54,277 --> 00:02:56,511
It's on the recommended
reading list
63
00:02:56,513 --> 00:02:57,796
for my psychology class.
64
00:02:57,798 --> 00:02:59,514
(Leonard groans)
65
00:03:01,951 --> 00:03:04,636
Come on.
Not that book.
66
00:03:04,638 --> 00:03:06,972
It-It's got, like,
every horrible story
67
00:03:06,974 --> 00:03:10,025
from my childhood in it.
68
00:03:10,027 --> 00:03:12,243
Oh, cool.
Are there pictures?
69
00:03:13,079 --> 00:03:15,730
Seriously, please find
another book.
70
00:03:15,732 --> 00:03:18,733
Oh, come on. Why?
How bad could it be?
71
00:03:18,735 --> 00:03:20,869
There-There's chapters
about potty training,
72
00:03:20,871 --> 00:03:23,071
and bed-wetting and...
73
00:03:23,073 --> 00:03:25,540
masturbation.
74
00:03:27,360 --> 00:03:28,827
Basically, if something
came out of me,
75
00:03:28,829 --> 00:03:30,412
she wrote about it!
76
00:03:31,964 --> 00:03:33,832
You know what?
Do whatever you want,
77
00:03:33,834 --> 00:03:36,217
just don't talk
to me about it.
78
00:03:36,219 --> 00:03:40,205
Not even the chapter on
the breast-feeding crisis?
79
00:03:44,043 --> 00:03:47,228
It was not a crisis.
80
00:03:47,230 --> 00:03:49,097
Apparently, I favored
the left one,
81
00:03:49,099 --> 00:03:50,932
she got a little
lopsided.
82
00:03:52,234 --> 00:03:55,386
Oh, my God, you still go left!
83
00:03:59,675 --> 00:04:03,161
Which celebrity would you say
I look like the most?
84
00:04:03,163 --> 00:04:05,413
Halle Berry.
85
00:04:06,565 --> 00:04:07,832
Why?
86
00:04:07,834 --> 00:04:09,801
Stuart and I are putting
dating profiles online,
87
00:04:09,803 --> 00:04:11,269
and it's one of the questions.
88
00:04:12,505 --> 00:04:15,239
And thank you-- I'd kill
for that woman's bone structure.
89
00:04:16,525 --> 00:04:19,461
Why are you reading
Pride and Prejudice?
90
00:04:19,463 --> 00:04:20,745
I'll tell you why.
91
00:04:20,747 --> 00:04:23,832
Amy ruined Raiders
of the Lost Ark for me,
92
00:04:23,834 --> 00:04:25,433
so now I'm trying to find
93
00:04:25,435 --> 00:04:27,852
something beloved to her
and ruin that.
94
00:04:28,954 --> 00:04:32,107
Because her life wasn't enough?
95
00:04:32,109 --> 00:04:34,142
(both giggle)
96
00:04:34,144 --> 00:04:37,479
Wait... how can, how can
anyone ruin Raiders?
97
00:04:37,481 --> 00:04:38,530
It's perfect.
98
00:04:38,532 --> 00:04:39,781
Yeah, except for the fact
99
00:04:39,783 --> 00:04:42,450
that Indiana Jones is completely
irrelevant to the story.
100
00:04:42,452 --> 00:04:46,738
With or without him, the Nazis
find the ark, open it and die.
101
00:04:51,110 --> 00:04:54,462
Aw! Aw!
Aw!
102
00:04:55,431 --> 00:04:56,498
Hey, wait a minute.
103
00:04:56,500 --> 00:04:58,633
No, the Nazis were digging
in the wrong place.
104
00:04:58,635 --> 00:05:00,301
The only reason
they got the ark
105
00:05:00,303 --> 00:05:01,836
was because Indy
found it first.
106
00:05:01,838 --> 00:05:03,788
Actually, they were
only digging in the wrong place
107
00:05:03,790 --> 00:05:05,056
because Indy had
the medallion.
108
00:05:05,058 --> 00:05:06,624
Without him, they would have
had the medallion
109
00:05:06,626 --> 00:05:08,459
and dug in the right place.
110
00:05:10,329 --> 00:05:12,647
Aw! Aw!
Aw!
111
00:05:16,402 --> 00:05:17,802
Okay, I know you don't
112
00:05:17,804 --> 00:05:19,187
want to talk about it,
113
00:05:19,189 --> 00:05:21,723
but can I just ask you one
question about your mom's book?
114
00:05:21,725 --> 00:05:22,657
No.
115
00:05:22,659 --> 00:05:24,092
I just want to know
116
00:05:24,094 --> 00:05:26,427
why a five-year-old boy
puts on his mom's makeup
117
00:05:26,429 --> 00:05:29,114
and wears balloon boobies.
118
00:05:31,617 --> 00:05:34,285
They weren't boobies,
they were muscles.
119
00:05:34,287 --> 00:05:35,537
And the makeup was green.
120
00:05:35,539 --> 00:05:37,839
I was pretending
to be The Hulk.
121
00:05:37,841 --> 00:05:40,258
You were wearing
her bra.
122
00:05:40,260 --> 00:05:41,960
That was to keep my muscles
from sagging!
123
00:05:41,962 --> 00:05:44,596
Can we please stop talking
about this?!
124
00:05:44,598 --> 00:05:46,714
Okay, okay.
125
00:05:46,716 --> 00:05:48,049
But you know,
as a student of psychology
126
00:05:48,051 --> 00:05:52,220
who got a check-plus on
her first homework assignment...
127
00:05:52,222 --> 00:05:54,856
I think, sometimes, it's good
to open up about these things.
128
00:05:54,858 --> 00:05:56,024
Okay, fine.
129
00:05:56,026 --> 00:05:58,109
Do you want to know why
I dressed like The Hulk?
130
00:05:58,111 --> 00:05:59,811
Because I was always mad
at my mom
131
00:05:59,813 --> 00:06:02,213
and I wanted to smash
my way out of that house.
132
00:06:02,215 --> 00:06:04,215
Well, why were you so angry?
133
00:06:04,217 --> 00:06:06,701
Gee, I don't know.
Maybe it's because
134
00:06:06,703 --> 00:06:08,786
I was always the subject
of her little experiments.
135
00:06:08,788 --> 00:06:11,656
Did you get to the chapter where
she staged the Easter egg hunt
136
00:06:11,658 --> 00:06:14,325
with no eggs to see
how long I'd keep looking?
137
00:06:16,128 --> 00:06:18,663
The answer, by the way: June.
138
00:06:20,132 --> 00:06:22,383
Sweetie, I'm so sorry.
I wish there was something
139
00:06:22,385 --> 00:06:24,252
I could do to make you
feel better.
140
00:06:24,254 --> 00:06:26,054
I do, too, but there's not.
141
00:06:26,056 --> 00:06:28,640
Really?
Are you sure about that?
142
00:06:31,543 --> 00:06:34,512
Of course, who am I to argue
with a check-plus student?
143
00:06:35,464 --> 00:06:36,514
Mmm...
144
00:06:36,516 --> 00:06:37,982
Just warning you--
I'm gonna go right.
145
00:06:37,984 --> 00:06:39,884
Don't make a big deal
out of it.
146
00:06:48,444 --> 00:06:50,962
Is makeup really necessary?
147
00:06:50,964 --> 00:06:53,364
Well, when someone looks
at your dating profile,
148
00:06:53,366 --> 00:06:54,933
the first thing they see
is your picture.
149
00:06:54,935 --> 00:06:56,834
I just want to make
sure you look fun
150
00:06:56,836 --> 00:06:58,703
and full of life
and not like a body
151
00:06:58,705 --> 00:07:00,371
they just pulled out
of the river.
152
00:07:01,857 --> 00:07:05,243
All right,
here we go, and...
153
00:07:05,245 --> 00:07:06,427
smile.
154
00:07:11,250 --> 00:07:13,868
Okay, uh-uh,
that one's in the bank.
155
00:07:13,870 --> 00:07:15,853
How about this?
156
00:07:15,855 --> 00:07:18,389
Turn away,
and then turn back into it.
157
00:07:18,391 --> 00:07:19,891
But when you do,
158
00:07:19,893 --> 00:07:22,877
imagine the camera is the girl
you want to meet.
159
00:07:22,879 --> 00:07:24,862
You got it.
160
00:07:33,872 --> 00:07:35,089
Okay, uh,
161
00:07:35,091 --> 00:07:37,659
let's try it again.
162
00:07:37,661 --> 00:07:40,578
Uh, but this time, pretend
the girl you want to meet
163
00:07:40,580 --> 00:07:42,380
doesn't want to hurt you.
164
00:07:42,382 --> 00:07:45,934
I don't think
I can give you that.
165
00:07:45,936 --> 00:07:47,719
Come on. One more time.
166
00:07:57,096 --> 00:07:59,981
Yeah, it's,
it's a little blurry,
167
00:07:59,983 --> 00:08:02,417
but I think that works
in your favor.
168
00:08:02,419 --> 00:08:03,735
Do you want a beer?
169
00:08:03,737 --> 00:08:05,253
Sure.
170
00:08:05,255 --> 00:08:07,405
Hey, have you finished writing
your profile yet?
171
00:08:07,407 --> 00:08:08,906
Almost.
172
00:08:08,908 --> 00:08:10,024
Oh, what did you put
173
00:08:10,026 --> 00:08:12,026
as the one-word description
of yourself?
174
00:08:12,028 --> 00:08:14,645
I put: unobjectionable.
175
00:08:15,631 --> 00:08:17,198
But now that I hear it out loud,
176
00:08:17,200 --> 00:08:19,467
it just seems like
I'm being cocky.
177
00:08:19,469 --> 00:08:21,519
What did you put
for your best feature?
178
00:08:21,521 --> 00:08:23,171
My parents' money.
179
00:08:24,757 --> 00:08:27,125
Uh, what did you put
for your best feature?
180
00:08:27,127 --> 00:08:30,044
I put: not applicable.
181
00:08:30,046 --> 00:08:32,496
Come on, dude, you're being
too hard on yourself.
182
00:08:32,498 --> 00:08:34,498
You've got a lot
of good stuff going on.
183
00:08:34,500 --> 00:08:35,900
Really? Like what?
184
00:08:35,902 --> 00:08:38,536
Well, okay, you're a,
you're a talented artist,
185
00:08:38,538 --> 00:08:40,471
you own your own business.
186
00:08:40,473 --> 00:08:43,408
Neither of those things have
ever helped me meet a woman.
187
00:08:43,410 --> 00:08:47,128
Okay, well, can we imply
188
00:08:47,130 --> 00:08:49,447
that you're well-endowed?
189
00:08:49,449 --> 00:08:53,901
I do have one
oddly long testicle.
190
00:08:54,920 --> 00:08:58,189
Okay, now you're talking
like a winner!
191
00:09:01,827 --> 00:09:04,178
Whatcha doin'?
192
00:09:04,180 --> 00:09:06,864
Oh, it turns out Amy's beloved
Pride and Prejudice
193
00:09:06,866 --> 00:09:09,334
is a flawless masterpiece.
194
00:09:10,219 --> 00:09:11,669
He's got too much pride,
195
00:09:11,671 --> 00:09:14,639
she's got too much prejudice--
it just works.
196
00:09:14,641 --> 00:09:16,540
So you're looking
to ruin something for her
197
00:09:16,542 --> 00:09:17,759
in the funny pages?
198
00:09:17,761 --> 00:09:21,679
Amy has a fondness for
the comic strip Marmaduke.
199
00:09:21,681 --> 00:09:24,315
Mm-hmm. And...?
200
00:09:24,317 --> 00:09:26,901
And I think I've got it.
Consider:
201
00:09:26,903 --> 00:09:30,021
a family possesses a dog
that is so large
202
00:09:30,023 --> 00:09:33,724
and poorly disciplined,
he causes nothing but problems.
203
00:09:33,726 --> 00:09:36,444
Why do they keep him?!
204
00:09:36,446 --> 00:09:39,247
Maybe they fell in love with him
as a puppy
205
00:09:39,249 --> 00:09:41,332
and didn't know how big
he was gonna be.
206
00:09:41,334 --> 00:09:43,985
Of course.
207
00:09:43,987 --> 00:09:46,170
You know, why couldn't she
just like Ziggy?
208
00:09:46,172 --> 00:09:47,238
Yeah?
209
00:09:47,240 --> 00:09:49,357
That thing's riddled
with plot holes.
210
00:09:50,959 --> 00:09:52,794
Sorry, buddy.
Ooh!
211
00:09:52,796 --> 00:09:55,880
I think she's a fan
of Garfield as well.
212
00:09:55,882 --> 00:09:56,848
(laughs)
213
00:09:56,850 --> 00:09:59,767
Oh, darn it, now so am I.
214
00:09:59,769 --> 00:10:01,085
I'll see you later.
215
00:10:01,087 --> 00:10:02,987
I gotta go watch a stupid
football game with Penny.
216
00:10:02,989 --> 00:10:04,689
Wait-- hang on.
217
00:10:04,691 --> 00:10:05,973
You've spent time with Amy.
218
00:10:05,975 --> 00:10:08,693
Can you think of anything
she's fond of
219
00:10:08,695 --> 00:10:12,730
that has a bunch of flaws
she hasn't noticed?
220
00:10:16,568 --> 00:10:18,769
I gotta go.
221
00:10:23,041 --> 00:10:24,392
You ready to go?
222
00:10:24,394 --> 00:10:26,577
Yep. Hey, and maybe this time
223
00:10:26,579 --> 00:10:29,464
you don't try and talk sports
with the guys.
224
00:10:29,466 --> 00:10:31,215
Some sports bar.
225
00:10:31,217 --> 00:10:33,384
It's like they never
even heard of Quidditch.
226
00:10:34,269 --> 00:10:35,553
Do we really have to go?
227
00:10:35,555 --> 00:10:36,954
Oh, come on.
Every time we're about
228
00:10:36,956 --> 00:10:38,573
to hang out with my friends,
you don't want to.
229
00:10:38,575 --> 00:10:39,740
It's like, "It's too loud,"
230
00:10:39,742 --> 00:10:41,625
or "the bathroom's too dirty,"
231
00:10:41,627 --> 00:10:44,228
or "they put a chicken wing
in my ear..." I mean...
232
00:10:44,230 --> 00:10:46,130
Well, you're-you're right.
233
00:10:46,132 --> 00:10:47,131
Let's just go.
234
00:10:47,133 --> 00:10:48,749
Hey, what's going on with you?
235
00:10:48,751 --> 00:10:49,633
Nothing, I'm fine.
236
00:10:49,635 --> 00:10:51,185
All right, hang on.
237
00:10:51,187 --> 00:10:52,720
is this still about
your mom's book?
238
00:10:52,722 --> 00:10:55,406
No. Not everything is
about my mom.
239
00:10:55,408 --> 00:10:56,807
'Cause if you're still
upset about that,
240
00:10:56,809 --> 00:10:57,875
we don't have to go.
241
00:10:57,877 --> 00:10:59,827
Except this is
totally about my mom.
242
00:11:01,813 --> 00:11:03,030
I'm so sorry.
243
00:11:03,032 --> 00:11:04,315
I never should have
read that book.
244
00:11:04,317 --> 00:11:05,750
You know what?
You want to just get dinner
245
00:11:05,752 --> 00:11:06,667
and watch the game here?
246
00:11:06,669 --> 00:11:09,837
That sounds nice. Yeah.
Okay.
247
00:11:09,839 --> 00:11:11,789
Or, you know,
we could get take-out
248
00:11:11,791 --> 00:11:12,990
and watch the Blu-ray
extended version
249
00:11:12,992 --> 00:11:15,760
of The Hobbit movie
with commentary track.
250
00:11:18,830 --> 00:11:21,749
On account of how sad
I am about my mom.
251
00:11:31,033 --> 00:11:32,467
Leonard, you ready for lunch?
252
00:11:32,469 --> 00:11:34,636
LEONARD:
One sec!
253
00:11:35,855 --> 00:11:36,588
Hey. Sorry.
254
00:11:36,590 --> 00:11:38,390
(panting)
255
00:11:38,392 --> 00:11:40,509
Hi, Penny.
256
00:11:40,511 --> 00:11:41,510
Hi.
257
00:11:41,512 --> 00:11:42,611
All right, sweetie.
258
00:11:42,613 --> 00:11:43,979
You hang in there today.
259
00:11:43,981 --> 00:11:45,814
I'll try, but I might
be sad again tonight.
260
00:11:45,816 --> 00:11:47,399
Okay.
261
00:11:49,685 --> 00:11:51,103
Wow!
262
00:11:51,105 --> 00:11:53,321
Sex at work?!
263
00:11:53,323 --> 00:11:54,356
Leave it alone.
264
00:11:54,358 --> 00:11:55,390
That's my girlfriend.
265
00:11:55,392 --> 00:11:56,391
Sorry.
266
00:11:56,393 --> 00:11:58,677
Who just had sex
with me at work!
267
00:11:58,679 --> 00:11:59,611
(laughing)
268
00:11:59,613 --> 00:12:01,463
Damn. How'd you
swing that?
269
00:12:01,465 --> 00:12:03,782
Well, whenever I
talk about how
awful my mom was,
270
00:12:03,784 --> 00:12:05,900
Penny will do anything
to make me feel better.
271
00:12:05,902 --> 00:12:07,302
Seriously?
Look, I mean...
272
00:12:07,304 --> 00:12:10,472
I'm not proud of it,
but it does work.
273
00:12:10,474 --> 00:12:11,506
I-I got her to watch
274
00:12:11,508 --> 00:12:14,760
a six-part documentary
on Monty Python.
275
00:12:15,744 --> 00:12:17,462
Even I was bored,
I just wanted to see
276
00:12:17,464 --> 00:12:18,913
if she'd make it
to the end.
277
00:12:18,915 --> 00:12:21,183
You sound kind of
proud of it.
278
00:12:21,185 --> 00:12:22,084
I am; I'm really proud.
279
00:12:22,086 --> 00:12:23,769
(laughs)
Yeah.
280
00:12:24,987 --> 00:12:26,571
Hello, Sheldon.
281
00:12:26,573 --> 00:12:27,572
Is everything okay?
282
00:12:27,574 --> 00:12:28,573
Yes.
283
00:12:28,575 --> 00:12:29,708
Why?
284
00:12:29,710 --> 00:12:30,926
Well, the last time you made
285
00:12:30,928 --> 00:12:32,060
an unscheduled video-chat,
286
00:12:32,062 --> 00:12:34,129
there was a curly fry
in your regular fries
287
00:12:34,131 --> 00:12:37,866
and you thought someone might be
trying to slip you a mickey.
288
00:12:38,935 --> 00:12:40,969
April 13...
289
00:12:40,971 --> 00:12:43,939
a dark night, indeed.
290
00:12:43,941 --> 00:12:45,640
So what can I do for you?
291
00:12:45,642 --> 00:12:47,742
I'm calling to invite you
292
00:12:47,744 --> 00:12:50,595
to a spontaneous date night
tomorrow evening.
293
00:12:50,597 --> 00:12:51,480
Really?
294
00:12:51,482 --> 00:12:52,780
Yes.
295
00:12:52,782 --> 00:12:54,049
You were kind enough
296
00:12:54,051 --> 00:12:55,967
to watch Raiders of
the Lost Ark with me.
297
00:12:55,969 --> 00:12:58,420
So I'd like to return the favor
298
00:12:58,422 --> 00:13:00,288
by inviting you
to watch an episode
299
00:13:00,290 --> 00:13:03,141
of your favorite childhood
television series,
300
00:13:03,143 --> 00:13:05,393
Little House on the Prairie.
301
00:13:07,129 --> 00:13:09,464
That sounds lovely.
302
00:13:09,466 --> 00:13:11,650
Why are you
rubbing your hands together?
303
00:13:14,220 --> 00:13:16,104
Um...
304
00:13:16,106 --> 00:13:17,239
I'm putting on lotion.
305
00:13:17,241 --> 00:13:18,740
Are you in or not?
306
00:13:18,742 --> 00:13:20,408
Of course I'm in.
307
00:13:20,410 --> 00:13:21,660
Excellent.
308
00:13:21,662 --> 00:13:23,578
Then I shall see you tomorrow.
309
00:13:23,580 --> 00:13:24,796
Good night, Dr. Fowler.
310
00:13:24,798 --> 00:13:26,348
Good night, Dr. Cooper.
311
00:13:26,350 --> 00:13:29,251
Good night, indeed.
312
00:13:30,620 --> 00:13:31,920
What a rube.
313
00:13:31,922 --> 00:13:34,873
Why would I put on lotion
when I have such soft hands?
314
00:13:37,159 --> 00:13:38,993
You were really
quiet during dinner.
315
00:13:38,995 --> 00:13:39,961
Is everything okay?
316
00:13:39,963 --> 00:13:41,012
Yeah.
317
00:13:41,014 --> 00:13:42,881
I guess I was just
thinking about my mom,
318
00:13:42,883 --> 00:13:45,166
and how sad
my childhood was.
319
00:13:48,087 --> 00:13:49,354
Yeah, I bet it sucked.
320
00:13:49,356 --> 00:13:50,722
I'm gonna take a bath;
you do the dishes.
321
00:13:50,724 --> 00:13:53,608
How about I take
a bath with you
322
00:13:53,610 --> 00:13:55,360
and see what happens.
323
00:13:56,362 --> 00:13:57,562
Here's what's gonna happen:
324
00:13:57,564 --> 00:13:58,613
I'm gonna take a bath,
325
00:13:58,615 --> 00:13:59,948
and you're gonna do the dishes.
326
00:13:59,950 --> 00:14:01,116
That's it?
327
00:14:01,118 --> 00:14:02,901
No compassion?
328
00:14:02,903 --> 00:14:04,119
Aw, poor Howie.
329
00:14:04,121 --> 00:14:05,270
We good?
I'm gonna take a bath.
330
00:14:05,272 --> 00:14:07,322
Bernie...
331
00:14:07,324 --> 00:14:09,491
God, what is going on with you?
332
00:14:09,493 --> 00:14:11,643
I'm sharing my pain.
333
00:14:12,628 --> 00:14:15,881
And I'm not buying it.
Try again.
334
00:14:17,233 --> 00:14:20,135
I'm learning to be
a man in a culture
335
00:14:20,137 --> 00:14:22,870
where it's increasingly
difficult to know how...?
336
00:14:22,872 --> 00:14:25,824
Strike two.
337
00:14:25,826 --> 00:14:27,893
I'm copying Leonard.
338
00:14:27,895 --> 00:14:29,043
When he does this to Penny,
339
00:14:29,045 --> 00:14:31,146
they have sex and
watch Monty Python.
340
00:14:31,148 --> 00:14:32,447
Howard!
I know.
341
00:14:32,449 --> 00:14:33,348
It was dumb,
342
00:14:33,350 --> 00:14:34,382
I shouldn't
have done it.
343
00:14:34,384 --> 00:14:36,902
And it's making
me feel sad...
344
00:14:36,904 --> 00:14:39,321
So sad.
345
00:14:41,056 --> 00:14:43,241
You know, why don't
you take a bath? I'll do the dishes.
346
00:14:47,263 --> 00:14:50,732
Three, two,
one...
347
00:14:50,734 --> 00:14:51,917
That's it.
348
00:14:51,919 --> 00:14:54,686
Our dating profiles are
live on the Internet.
349
00:14:54,688 --> 00:14:56,571
Attention all shoppers:
350
00:14:56,573 --> 00:15:00,258
my business is open
for business!
351
00:15:00,260 --> 00:15:02,928
That's right, ladies.
352
00:15:02,930 --> 00:15:04,579
For all you know,
353
00:15:04,581 --> 00:15:06,865
I'm confident
and fun to be around.
354
00:15:06,867 --> 00:15:08,767
(chuckles)
355
00:15:08,769 --> 00:15:10,018
(computer chimes)
356
00:15:10,020 --> 00:15:11,686
Oh, cool, it tells you
357
00:15:11,688 --> 00:15:13,338
when someone's reading
your profile.
358
00:15:13,340 --> 00:15:15,607
"Jenny309."
359
00:15:16,892 --> 00:15:19,194
I hope that's not her weight.
360
00:15:19,196 --> 00:15:21,613
If it is, I'll...
I'll take her.
361
00:15:22,782 --> 00:15:24,849
Good one.
362
00:15:24,851 --> 00:15:26,201
(chimes)
363
00:15:26,203 --> 00:15:28,653
Ooh, I got one, too.
364
00:15:28,655 --> 00:15:30,922
The ladies are
coming to us.
365
00:15:32,458 --> 00:15:34,709
Oh, man, if I'd started
this years ago,
366
00:15:34,711 --> 00:15:37,278
I'd be divorced two
or three times by now.
367
00:15:37,280 --> 00:15:38,913
(chimes)
368
00:15:38,915 --> 00:15:40,782
What...? Another one.
369
00:15:40,784 --> 00:15:42,784
You know,
it... it's weird.
370
00:15:42,786 --> 00:15:44,302
When they're reading
your profile, does it...
371
00:15:44,304 --> 00:15:45,971
does it make you
feel exposed?
372
00:15:45,973 --> 00:15:48,139
Like they see you naked?
373
00:15:49,325 --> 00:15:52,460
Well, they're not running
away screaming, so, no.
374
00:15:54,947 --> 00:15:56,564
I love Little House.
375
00:15:56,566 --> 00:15:58,950
It made me want to
live on a farm so much
376
00:15:58,952 --> 00:16:00,685
I tried to milk my cat.
377
00:16:04,139 --> 00:16:05,457
That tangy bowl of Cheerios
378
00:16:05,459 --> 00:16:06,908
was not worth the stitches.
379
00:16:08,944 --> 00:16:11,196
Well, you sit back, relax
380
00:16:11,198 --> 00:16:14,582
and enjoy a beloved
childhood memory.
381
00:16:14,584 --> 00:16:17,719
( Little House on the Prairie
theme music plays)
382
00:16:17,721 --> 00:16:21,006
(whispering):
You see that cabin there?
383
00:16:21,008 --> 00:16:24,292
I read they were illegally
squatting on Indian land.
384
00:16:24,294 --> 00:16:26,261
Yeah.
385
00:16:26,263 --> 00:16:28,546
Personally,
I think what we did
386
00:16:28,548 --> 00:16:30,932
to the Native
Americans was wrong,
387
00:16:30,934 --> 00:16:33,435
but this is your
favorite show, not mine.
388
00:16:33,437 --> 00:16:36,588
Oh, look at little
Laura Ingalls,
389
00:16:36,590 --> 00:16:39,124
eating that
peanut butter sandwich.
390
00:16:39,126 --> 00:16:40,675
Peanut butter?!
391
00:16:40,677 --> 00:16:43,395
Huh!
392
00:16:43,397 --> 00:16:45,680
That's strange,
since peanut butter
393
00:16:45,682 --> 00:16:48,683
wasn't introduced
until the early 1900s.
394
00:16:51,037 --> 00:16:53,204
If I knew this show
was about time travel,
395
00:16:53,206 --> 00:16:56,157
I would have watched it
much sooner.
396
00:16:58,744 --> 00:16:59,911
You're trying to get back at me
397
00:16:59,913 --> 00:17:02,063
for what I said about
Raiders of the Lost Ark.
398
00:17:02,065 --> 00:17:03,631
That's silly.
399
00:17:03,633 --> 00:17:06,584
Almost as silly as Dr. Baker
having a telephone,
400
00:17:06,586 --> 00:17:07,969
since telephones
only existed
401
00:17:07,971 --> 00:17:09,704
in large cities
at that time.
402
00:17:09,706 --> 00:17:12,507
This is more like
Little House on the Preposterous.
403
00:17:14,293 --> 00:17:17,044
Sheldon, we're
in a relationship.
404
00:17:17,046 --> 00:17:19,264
When you get angry,
just tell me.
405
00:17:19,266 --> 00:17:21,416
You don't need to seek revenge.
406
00:17:21,418 --> 00:17:24,119
Are you sure?
407
00:17:25,004 --> 00:17:26,738
Every time my dad
stayed out all night,
408
00:17:26,740 --> 00:17:30,358
my mom would put hamster poop
in his chewing tobacco.
409
00:17:32,060 --> 00:17:33,795
Well, that's not how
we're going to do it.
410
00:17:33,797 --> 00:17:35,997
Fine.
411
00:17:35,999 --> 00:17:37,282
I'm mad at you.
412
00:17:37,284 --> 00:17:39,834
Not only did you ruin
Raiders for me,
413
00:17:39,836 --> 00:17:41,753
you may have ruined
the whole franchise.
414
00:17:41,755 --> 00:17:43,788
Except for the fourth one,
415
00:17:43,790 --> 00:17:46,124
which was bad before
you got your mitts on it.
416
00:17:47,676 --> 00:17:48,960
I-I shouldn't have said it.
417
00:17:48,962 --> 00:17:49,978
I'm sorry.
418
00:17:49,980 --> 00:17:51,913
Thank you.
419
00:17:51,915 --> 00:17:53,281
Do you feel better?
420
00:17:53,283 --> 00:17:54,849
Yes.
421
00:17:54,851 --> 00:17:57,385
But not as good as
I'm going to when I tell you
422
00:17:57,387 --> 00:17:59,804
that your precious Garfield
has no reason to hate Mondays.
423
00:18:00,756 --> 00:18:03,257
He's a cat.
He doesn't have a job.
424
00:18:07,830 --> 00:18:11,483
Hey, I was just--
what is happening?
425
00:18:12,601 --> 00:18:14,319
Oh, just a little treat.
426
00:18:14,321 --> 00:18:16,070
I know you've been
feeling really bad
427
00:18:16,072 --> 00:18:17,522
about your mom lately.
428
00:18:17,524 --> 00:18:19,407
Oh, oh, I have.
429
00:18:19,409 --> 00:18:20,942
So bad.
430
00:18:20,944 --> 00:18:22,911
And I wanted
to make you feel better,
431
00:18:22,913 --> 00:18:25,130
so I planned something
very special for you.
432
00:18:25,132 --> 00:18:26,147
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
433
00:18:26,149 --> 00:18:29,083
I can already feel it working.
434
00:18:30,285 --> 00:18:32,654
Hello, Leonard.
435
00:18:34,256 --> 00:18:36,374
Mom?!
436
00:18:36,376 --> 00:18:39,911
I understand you have been
whining about my parenting
437
00:18:39,913 --> 00:18:42,514
in order to emotionally
manipulate your girlfriend.
438
00:18:42,516 --> 00:18:44,365
I... uh...
439
00:18:44,367 --> 00:18:45,683
Bernadette told me
everything.
440
00:18:45,685 --> 00:18:47,819
Now you don't get
the left or the right.
441
00:18:50,239 --> 00:18:51,589
BEVERLY:
Let's discuss
442
00:18:51,591 --> 00:18:53,641
why you continue to involve me
443
00:18:53,643 --> 00:18:55,043
in your sex life.
444
00:18:55,045 --> 00:18:56,244
Oh, please, Mommy.
445
00:18:56,246 --> 00:18:58,830
No, Mommy.
446
00:18:58,832 --> 00:19:00,064
When you were six years old,
447
00:19:00,066 --> 00:19:03,101
you walked in on me
and your father naked.
448
00:19:04,336 --> 00:19:05,737
I was swatting his bottom
449
00:19:05,739 --> 00:19:09,040
with your brand
new Ping Pong paddle.
450
00:19:11,477 --> 00:19:15,046
I didn't dream that?
451
00:19:15,048 --> 00:19:17,882
How did that make you feel?
452
00:19:17,884 --> 00:19:19,551
Penny, come back!
453
00:19:19,553 --> 00:19:22,187
I'm sad for real now!
454
00:19:23,389 --> 00:19:25,056
In the last two hours,
455
00:19:25,058 --> 00:19:27,675
162 women have
read our profiles.
456
00:19:27,677 --> 00:19:29,394
How many of them have
sent us messages?
457
00:19:29,396 --> 00:19:30,862
Combined?
Yes.
458
00:19:30,864 --> 00:19:33,064
Zero.
459
00:19:35,183 --> 00:19:36,985
Dude, this is...
this is brutal.
460
00:19:36,987 --> 00:19:40,154
I don't think I've
ever felt so rejected.
461
00:19:40,156 --> 00:19:41,856
And I had a rescue dog
462
00:19:41,858 --> 00:19:44,409
who ran back
to the pound.
463
00:19:46,996 --> 00:19:48,195
This is the worst.
464
00:19:48,197 --> 00:19:49,196
If we're gonna get shot down,
465
00:19:49,198 --> 00:19:50,648
we might as well just
go to a bar
466
00:19:50,650 --> 00:19:51,766
and do it old school.
467
00:19:51,768 --> 00:19:54,018
And make them
look us in the eye.
468
00:19:54,020 --> 00:19:55,637
Yeah, anything is
better than this.
469
00:19:55,639 --> 00:19:57,188
Hello.
470
00:19:57,190 --> 00:19:58,539
Not interested.
471
00:20:01,093 --> 00:20:03,344
I was wrong.
This is worse.
472
00:20:11,076 --> 00:20:13,361
("Raiders March" playing on TV)
473
00:20:16,315 --> 00:20:18,616
Wait, wait-- if it wasn't
for Indiana Jones,
474
00:20:18,618 --> 00:20:20,701
the ark would never have
ended up at the warehouse!
475
00:20:20,703 --> 00:20:22,620
(gasps)
That's true!
476
00:20:22,622 --> 00:20:24,739
He collected and
delivered the ark
477
00:20:24,741 --> 00:20:26,791
to the proper
authorities for filing.
478
00:20:26,793 --> 00:20:27,525
Like a hero!
479
00:20:27,527 --> 00:20:29,877
Yeah!
Yes! Right!
480
00:20:31,497 --> 00:20:32,663
Although, technically,
481
00:20:32,665 --> 00:20:34,248
Indy was supposed
to take the ark
482
00:20:34,250 --> 00:20:35,500
to a museum to be studied.
483
00:20:35,502 --> 00:20:37,168
He couldn't even get that done.
484
00:20:38,909 --> 00:20:41,042
ALL:
Aw...
485
00:20:41,044 --> 00:20:46,044
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man