1
00:00:03,637 --> 00:00:07,175
I (INDIANA JONES THEME PLAYS) I

2
00:00:10,811 --> 00:00:13,087
-So what did you think?
-It was good.

3
00:00:13,814 --> 00:00:16,158
That's it? "Good"?

4
00:00:16,316 --> 00:00:17,920
I enjoyed it.

5
00:00:18,085 --> 00:00:20,258
When you told me I was going to be
"losing my virginity,"

6
00:00:20,420 --> 00:00:22,559
I didn't think you meant showing me
Raiders of the Lost Ark

7
00:00:22,723 --> 00:00:23,758
for the first time.

8
00:00:24,758 --> 00:00:27,705
My apologies.
I chose my words poorly.

9
00:00:27,861 --> 00:00:29,101
I should have said

10
00:00:29,263 --> 00:00:31,675
you were about to have
your world rocked on my couch.

11
00:00:34,735 --> 00:00:36,373
Anyway, thank you for watching it.

12
00:00:36,537 --> 00:00:38,278
It's one of my all-time favorites.

13
00:00:38,438 --> 00:00:40,509
It was very entertaining,

14
00:00:40,674 --> 00:00:42,950
despite the glaring story problem.

15
00:00:44,177 --> 00:00:46,020
Story problem?

16
00:00:46,079 --> 00:00:46,887
Oh.

17
00:00:47,114 --> 00:00:48,286
Amy...

18
00:00:50,417 --> 00:00:53,227
What a dewy-eyed moon-calf you are.

19
00:00:53,387 --> 00:00:56,027
Raiders of the Lost Ark is
the love child

20
00:00:56,189 --> 00:00:58,135
of Steven Spielberg and George Lucas,

21
00:00:58,292 --> 00:01:00,772
two of the most gifted filmmakers
of our generation.

22
00:01:00,928 --> 00:01:03,431
I've watched it 36 times,

23
00:01:03,597 --> 00:01:06,441
except for the snake scene
and the face-melting scene,

24
00:01:06,600 --> 00:01:09,979
which I can only watch
when it's still light out, but...

25
00:01:10,137 --> 00:01:13,311
I defy you to find a story problem.

26
00:01:13,473 --> 00:01:15,885
Herds my jaw... drop it.

27
00:01:17,711 --> 00:01:18,655
All right.

28
00:01:18,812 --> 00:01:22,225
Indiana Jones plays no role
in the outcome of the story.

29
00:01:22,382 --> 00:01:26,489
If he weren't in the film,
it would tum out exactly the same.

30
00:01:26,653 --> 00:01:30,123
Oh, I see your confusion.
You don't understand.

31
00:01:30,290 --> 00:01:33,965
Indiana Jones was the one in the hat
with the whip.

32
00:01:34,928 --> 00:01:37,966
No, I do,
and if he weren't in the movie,

33
00:01:38,131 --> 00:01:40,008
the Nazis would have still found
the ark,

34
00:01:40,167 --> 00:01:43,080
taken it to the island,
opened it up and all died,

35
00:01:43,236 --> 00:01:45,341
just like they did.

36
00:01:50,477 --> 00:01:51,956
Let me close that for you.

37
00:01:54,414 --> 00:01:58,260
I (THEME SONG PLAYS) I

38
00:02:20,540 --> 00:02:22,178
-Hey!
-Hi!

39
00:02:22,342 --> 00:02:24,344
I thought you went to the comic book
store on Wednesdays.

40
00:02:24,511 --> 00:02:26,718
Yeah, but Sheldon and Amy
were having date night

41
00:02:26,880 --> 00:02:29,793
and they don't need me there
to make it awkward.

42
00:02:30,851 --> 00:02:33,229
They have each other for that.

43
00:02:34,388 --> 00:02:35,526
So, how was school?

44
00:02:35,689 --> 00:02:37,066
Oh, good. Check it out.

45
00:02:37,224 --> 00:02:41,070
The Disappointing Child
by Beverly Hofstadter. Oh!

46
00:02:49,703 --> 00:02:52,411
-You bought my mom's book?
-Yeah!

47
00:02:53,040 --> 00:02:55,816
It's on the recommended reading list
for my psychology class.

48
00:02:56,176 --> 00:02:57,814
Oh!

49
00:02:59,379 --> 00:03:01,916
Come on. Not that book.

50
00:03:02,049 --> 00:03:05,929
It's got, like, every horrible story
from my childhood in it.

51
00:03:07,721 --> 00:03:10,531
Oh, cool. Are there pictures?

52
00:03:10,690 --> 00:03:13,261
Seriously, please End another book.

53
00:03:13,427 --> 00:03:15,839
Oh, come on. Why?
How bad could it be?

54
00:03:15,996 --> 00:03:18,101
There's chapters
about potty training,

55
00:03:18,265 --> 00:03:21,007
and bed-wetting and...

56
00:03:21,168 --> 00:03:22,909
Masturbation.

57
00:03:25,105 --> 00:03:27,881
Basically, if something came
out of me, she wrote about it!

58
00:03:29,609 --> 00:03:31,680
You know what?
Do whatever you want,

59
00:03:31,778 --> 00:03:33,223
just don't talk to me about it.

60
00:03:33,380 --> 00:03:36,384
Not even the chapter
on the breast-feeding crisis?

61
00:03:41,788 --> 00:03:44,291
It was not a crisis.

62
00:03:44,891 --> 00:03:48,634
Apparently, I favored the left one.
She got a little lopsided.

63
00:03:50,430 --> 00:03:53,070
Oh, my God, you still go left!

64
00:03:58,071 --> 00:04:00,551
Which celebrity would you say
I look like the most?

65
00:04:00,707 --> 00:04:02,414
Halle Berry.

66
00:04:04,444 --> 00:04:05,548
Why?

67
00:04:05,879 --> 00:04:07,950
Stuart and I are putting
dating profiles online,

68
00:04:08,081 --> 00:04:09,560
and it's one of the questions.

69
00:04:09,983 --> 00:04:12,623
And thank you. I'd kill
for that woman's bone structure.

70
00:04:15,055 --> 00:04:16,932
Why are you reading
Pride and Prejudice?

71
00:04:17,090 --> 00:04:18,160
I'll tell you why.

72
00:04:18,725 --> 00:04:21,433
Amy ruined
Raiders of the Lost Ark for me,

73
00:04:21,661 --> 00:04:25,473
so now I'm trying to find something
beloved to her and ruin that.

74
00:04:27,100 --> 00:04:29,774
Because her life wasn't enough?

75
00:04:32,005 --> 00:04:36,249
Wait. How can anyone ruin
Raiders? It's perfect.

76
00:04:36,343 --> 00:04:37,651
Yeah, except for the fact

77
00:04:37,811 --> 00:04:40,348
that Indiana Jones is completely
irrelevant to the story.

78
00:04:40,480 --> 00:04:44,292
With or without him, the Nazis find
the ark, open it, and die.

79
00:04:49,422 --> 00:04:52,266
(GRUMBLING)

80
00:04:52,859 --> 00:04:56,602
Hey, wait a minute. No, the Nazis
were digging in the wrong place.

81
00:04:56,763 --> 00:04:59,209
The only reason they got the ark
was because Indy found it first.

82
00:04:59,366 --> 00:05:00,970
Actually, they were only digging
in the wrong place

83
00:05:01,134 --> 00:05:02,306
because Indy had the medallion.

84
00:05:02,469 --> 00:05:06,007
Without him, they would have had
the medallion and dug in the right place.

85
00:05:08,141 --> 00:05:10,052
(GRUMBLING)

86
00:05:15,215 --> 00:05:16,523
Okay, I know you don't
want to talk about it,

87
00:05:16,683 --> 00:05:19,562
but can I just ask you one question
about your mom's book?

88
00:05:19,786 --> 00:05:21,891
-No.
-I just want to know

89
00:05:22,055 --> 00:05:24,228
why a five-year-old boy puts
on his mom's make-up

90
00:05:24,391 --> 00:05:26,371
and wears balloon boobies.

91
00:05:29,329 --> 00:05:31,673
They weren't boobies.
They were muscles.

92
00:05:32,532 --> 00:05:35,741
And the make-up was green.
I was pretending to be the Hulk.

93
00:05:36,536 --> 00:05:37,981
You were wearing her bra.

94
00:05:38,038 --> 00:05:39,210
That was to keep my muscles
from sagging!

95
00:05:39,506 --> 00:05:41,645
Can we please stop talking
about this?!

96
00:05:42,642 --> 00:05:45,418
Okay, okay. But you know,
as a student of psychology

97
00:05:45,645 --> 00:05:48,649
who got a check-plus on her
first homework assignment...

98
00:05:49,716 --> 00:05:52,754
I think, sometimes, it's good
to open up about these things.

99
00:05:52,919 --> 00:05:56,093
Okay, fine. Do you want to know
why I dressed like the Hulk?

100
00:05:56,223 --> 00:05:57,896
Because I was always mad at my mom

101
00:05:58,024 --> 00:05:59,935
and I wanted to smash
my way out of that house.

102
00:06:00,393 --> 00:06:03,272
-Well, why were you so angry?
-Gee, I don't know.

103
00:06:03,597 --> 00:06:06,601
Maybe it's because I was always
the subject of her little experiments.

104
00:06:07,000 --> 00:06:09,606
Did you get to the chapter
where she staged the Easter egg hunt

105
00:06:09,836 --> 00:06:12,612
with no eggs to see how long
I'd keep looking?

106
00:06:13,940 --> 00:06:16,944
The answer, by the way: June.

107
00:06:18,445 --> 00:06:19,890
Sweetie, I'm so sorry.

108
00:06:20,046 --> 00:06:21,684
I wish there was something I could do
to make you feel better.

109
00:06:21,882 --> 00:06:26,058
-I do, too, but there's not.
-Really? Are you sure about that?

110
00:06:29,589 --> 00:06:32,092
Of course, who am I to argue
with a check-plus student?

111
00:06:34,127 --> 00:06:35,606
Just warning you,
I'm gonna go right.

112
00:06:35,762 --> 00:06:37,537
Don't make a big deal out of it.

113
00:06:46,473 --> 00:06:48,146
Is make-up really necessary?

114
00:06:48,942 --> 00:06:51,149
Well, when someone looks
at your dating profile,

115
00:06:51,278 --> 00:06:52,814
the first thing they see is
your picture.

116
00:06:53,213 --> 00:06:55,454
I just want to make sure
you look fun and full of life

117
00:06:55,615 --> 00:06:58,494
and not like a body
they just pulled out of the river.

118
00:06:59,719 --> 00:07:04,099
All right, here we go,
and... smile.

119
00:07:06,559 --> 00:07:07,902
(CAMERA CLICKS)

120
00:07:09,462 --> 00:07:11,806
Okay. That one's in the bank.

121
00:07:12,799 --> 00:07:16,246
How about this? Turn away,
and then tum back into it.

122
00:07:16,336 --> 00:07:20,614
But when you do, imagine the camera
is the girl you want to meet.

123
00:07:20,974 --> 00:07:22,453
You got it.

124
00:07:26,112 --> 00:07:27,420
(CAMERA CLICKS)

125
00:07:32,118 --> 00:07:34,120
Okay... let's try it again.

126
00:07:35,355 --> 00:07:37,528
But this time, pretend the girl
you want to meet

127
00:07:37,791 --> 00:07:39,828
doesn't want to hurt you.

128
00:07:41,094 --> 00:07:43,131
I don't think I can give you that.

129
00:07:43,797 --> 00:07:45,174
Come on. One more time.

130
00:07:52,005 --> 00:07:53,177
(CAMERA CLICKS)

131
00:07:55,442 --> 00:07:57,786
Yeah, it's...
it's a little blurry,

132
00:07:57,877 --> 00:07:59,720
but I think that works in your favour.

133
00:08:00,814 --> 00:08:02,816
-Do you want a beer?
-Sure.

134
00:08:02,949 --> 00:08:05,486
Hey, have you finished writing
your profile yet?

135
00:08:05,552 --> 00:08:06,553
Almost.

136
00:08:06,653 --> 00:08:09,657
Oh, what did you put as the one-word
description of yourself?

137
00:08:09,823 --> 00:08:12,235
I put "unobjectionable."

138
00:08:13,393 --> 00:08:17,364
But now that I hear it out loud,
it just seems like I'm being cocky.

139
00:08:17,464 --> 00:08:19,205
What did you put
for your best feature?

140
00:08:19,332 --> 00:08:21,403
My parents' money.

141
00:08:23,470 --> 00:08:25,381
What did you put
for your best feature?

142
00:08:25,639 --> 00:08:27,516
I put "not applicable?

143
00:08:27,974 --> 00:08:30,682
Come on, dude,
you're being too hard on yourself.

144
00:08:30,744 --> 00:08:32,246
You've got a lot of good stuff
going on.

145
00:08:32,345 --> 00:08:33,688
Really? Like what?

146
00:08:33,713 --> 00:08:38,162
Well, okay, you're a talented artist.
You own your own business.

147
00:08:38,218 --> 00:08:41,199
Neither of those things have
ever helped me meet a woman.

148
00:08:42,022 --> 00:08:46,437
Okay, well, can we imply
that you're well-endowed?

149
00:08:47,994 --> 00:08:51,407
I do have one oddly long testicle.

150
00:08:53,566 --> 00:08:56,570
Okay, now you're talking like
a winner!

151
00:09:00,440 --> 00:09:01,748
What you doing?

152
00:09:01,775 --> 00:09:04,688
Oh, it turns out Amy's beloved
Pride and Prejudice

153
00:09:04,778 --> 00:09:06,883
is a flawless masterpiece.

154
00:09:08,014 --> 00:09:09,459
He's got too much pride,

155
00:09:09,549 --> 00:09:12,393
she's got too much prejudice--
it just works.

156
00:09:12,519 --> 00:09:15,591
So you're looking to ruin something
for her in the funny pages?

157
00:09:15,688 --> 00:09:19,727
Amy has a fondness
for the comic strip Marmaduke.

158
00:09:21,061 --> 00:09:23,871
-And...?
-And I think I've got it.

159
00:09:23,963 --> 00:09:27,740
Consider: A family possesses a dog
that is so large

160
00:09:27,867 --> 00:09:31,474
and poorly disciplined,
he causes nothing but problems.

161
00:09:31,571 --> 00:09:32,982
Why do they keep him?!

162
00:09:35,442 --> 00:09:37,251
Maybe they fell in love with him
as a puppy

163
00:09:37,310 --> 00:09:38,983
and didn't know how big
he was gonna be.

164
00:09:39,813 --> 00:09:40,985
Of course.

165
00:09:41,915 --> 00:09:44,919
You know, why couldn't
she just like Ziggy? Yeah?

166
00:09:45,051 --> 00:09:47,429
That thing's riddled with plot holes.

167
00:09:48,788 --> 00:09:50,563
Sorry, buddy.

168
00:09:50,657 --> 00:09:53,103
I think she's a fan of Garfield
as well.

169
00:09:53,159 --> 00:09:54,399
(CHUCKLES)

170
00:09:54,561 --> 00:09:56,837
Oh, darn it, now so am I.

171
00:09:57,630 --> 00:10:00,736
I'll see you later. I got to go watch
a stupid football game with Penny.

172
00:10:00,800 --> 00:10:04,009
Wait, hang on.
You've spent time with Amy.

173
00:10:04,137 --> 00:10:06,617
Can you think of anything
she's fond of

174
00:10:06,673 --> 00:10:09,483
that has a bunch of flaws
she hasn't noticed?

175
00:10:14,514 --> 00:10:16,289
I got to go.

176
00:10:21,621 --> 00:10:24,158
-You ready to go?
-Yep. Hey, and maybe this time,

177
00:10:24,290 --> 00:10:27,134
you don't try and talk sports
with the guys.

178
00:10:27,260 --> 00:10:29,103
Some sports bar.

179
00:10:29,162 --> 00:10:31,005
It's like they never
even heard of Quidditch.

180
00:10:31,998 --> 00:10:33,306
Do we really have to go?

181
00:10:33,433 --> 00:10:35,379
Oh, come on. Every time we're
about to hang out with my friends,

182
00:10:35,502 --> 00:10:36,606
you don't want to.

183
00:10:36,669 --> 00:10:39,149
It's like, "It's too loud,"
or "The bathroom's too dirty,"

184
00:10:39,272 --> 00:10:41,946
or "They put a chicken wing
in my ear." I mean...

185
00:10:43,143 --> 00:10:44,816
Well, you're right.
Let's just go.

186
00:10:44,878 --> 00:10:47,381
-Hey, what's going on with you?
-Nothing, I'm fine.

187
00:10:48,114 --> 00:10:50,788
All right, hang on.
Is this still about your mom's book?

188
00:10:50,850 --> 00:10:53,296
No. Not everything is about my mom.

189
00:10:53,319 --> 00:10:55,629
'Cause if you're still upset
about that, we don't have to go.

190
00:10:55,688 --> 00:10:57,827
Except this is totally about my mom.

191
00:10:59,692 --> 00:11:02,172
I'm so sorry.
I never should have read that book.

192
00:11:02,228 --> 00:11:04,469
You know what? You want to just get
dinner and watch the game here?

193
00:11:05,198 --> 00:11:07,144
-That sounds nice.
-Okay.

194
00:11:07,667 --> 00:11:09,408
Or, you know, we could get take-out

195
00:11:09,536 --> 00:11:10,913
and watch the Blu-ray
extended version

196
00:11:11,004 --> 00:11:13,245
of The Hobbit movie
with commentary track.

197
00:11:16,309 --> 00:11:19,313
On account of how sad I am
about my mom.

198
00:11:25,485 --> 00:11:26,691
Leonard, you ready for lunch?

199
00:11:26,753 --> 00:11:27,891
One sec!

200
00:11:30,256 --> 00:11:31,326
Hey. Sorry.

201
00:11:34,194 --> 00:11:36,231
-Hi, Penny.
-Hi.

202
00:11:36,329 --> 00:11:38,536
All right, sweetie.
You hang in there today.

203
00:11:38,598 --> 00:11:40,578
I'll try, but I might be sad
again tonight.

204
00:11:40,667 --> 00:11:41,577
Okay.

205
00:11:45,071 --> 00:11:47,779
Wow! Sex at work?!

206
00:11:47,874 --> 00:11:49,911
Leave it alone.
That's my girlfriend.

207
00:11:49,943 --> 00:11:52,446
-Sorry.
-Who just had sex with me at work!

208
00:11:54,180 --> 00:11:55,955
Damn.
How'd you swing that?

209
00:11:56,082 --> 00:11:58,392
Whenever I talk about
how awful my mom was,

210
00:11:58,418 --> 00:12:00,398
Penny will do anything
to make me feel better.

211
00:12:00,520 --> 00:12:01,760
-Seriously?
-Look, I mean...

212
00:12:01,855 --> 00:12:04,927
I'm not proud of it,
but it does work.

213
00:12:05,058 --> 00:12:09,200
I got her to watch a six-part
documentary on Monty Python.

214
00:12:09,262 --> 00:12:13,369
Even I was bored, I just wanted
to see if she'd make it to the end.

215
00:12:13,433 --> 00:12:15,640
You sound kind of proud of it.

216
00:12:15,735 --> 00:12:17,976
-I am. I'm really proud.
-Yeah.

217
00:12:20,106 --> 00:12:22,052
Hello, Sheldon.
Is everything okay?

218
00:12:22,075 --> 00:12:24,077
Yes. Why?

219
00:12:24,210 --> 00:12:26,656
Well, the last time you made
an unscheduled video chat,

220
00:12:26,746 --> 00:12:28,748
there was a curly fry
in your regular fries

221
00:12:28,815 --> 00:12:31,421
and you thought someone might be
trying to slip you a mickey.

222
00:12:33,453 --> 00:12:35,626
April 13...

223
00:12:35,722 --> 00:12:37,565
A dark night, indeed.

224
00:12:39,125 --> 00:12:40,160
So what can I do for you?

225
00:12:40,259 --> 00:12:42,466
I'm calling to invite you

226
00:12:42,562 --> 00:12:45,008
to a spontaneous date night
tomorrow evening.

227
00:12:45,098 --> 00:12:47,442
-Really?
-Yes.

228
00:12:47,500 --> 00:12:50,481
You were kind enough to watch
Raiders of the Lost Ark with me.

229
00:12:50,570 --> 00:12:54,814
So I'd like to return the favour
by inviting you to watch an episode

230
00:12:54,907 --> 00:12:57,911
of your favourite childhood
television series,

231
00:12:57,977 --> 00:13:00,082
Little House on the Prairie.

232
00:13:01,681 --> 00:13:03,661
That sounds lovely.

233
00:13:04,317 --> 00:13:06,092
Why are you rubbing your hands
together?

234
00:13:08,855 --> 00:13:10,266
(CLEARS THROAT)

235
00:13:10,590 --> 00:13:13,127
I'm putting on lotion.
Are you in or not?

236
00:13:13,259 --> 00:13:14,795
Of course I'm in.

237
00:13:14,861 --> 00:13:17,671
Excellent.
Then I shall see you tomorrow.

238
00:13:17,797 --> 00:13:19,208
Good night, Dr. Fowler.

239
00:13:19,299 --> 00:13:20,972
Good night, Dr. Cooper.

240
00:13:21,100 --> 00:13:23,273
Good night, indeed.

241
00:13:25,271 --> 00:13:26,875
What a rube.

242
00:13:26,973 --> 00:13:29,613
Why would I put on lotion
when I have such soft hands?

243
00:13:31,811 --> 00:13:34,815
You were really quiet during dinner.
Is everything okay?

244
00:13:34,881 --> 00:13:37,487
Yeah. I guess I was just thinking
about my mom,

245
00:13:37,517 --> 00:13:40,464
and how sad my childhood was.

246
00:13:42,522 --> 00:13:43,557
Yeah, I bet it sucked.

247
00:13:43,656 --> 00:13:45,226
I'm gonna take a bath.
You do the dishes.

248
00:13:45,325 --> 00:13:49,740
How about I take a bath with you
and see what happens.

249
00:13:50,897 --> 00:13:52,205
Here's what's gonna happen:

250
00:13:52,231 --> 00:13:54,404
I'm gonna take a bath,
and you're gonna do the dishes.

251
00:13:54,467 --> 00:13:57,471
That's it?
No compassion?

252
00:13:57,503 --> 00:13:59,847
Aw, poor Howie.
We good? I'm gonna take a bath.

253
00:13:59,872 --> 00:14:01,715
Bernie...

254
00:14:01,841 --> 00:14:03,878
God, what is going on with you?

255
00:14:04,010 --> 00:14:06,547
I'm sharing my pain.

256
00:14:07,180 --> 00:14:10,252
And I'm not buying it. Try again.

257
00:14:11,584 --> 00:14:14,690
I'm learning to be a man In a culture

258
00:14:14,754 --> 00:14:17,360
where it's increasingly difficult
to know how.

259
00:14:17,423 --> 00:14:19,061
Strike two.

260
00:14:21,327 --> 00:14:22,203
I'm copying Leonard.

261
00:14:22,261 --> 00:14:25,071
When he does this to Penny,
they have sex and watch Monty Python.

262
00:14:25,765 --> 00:14:27,540
-Howard!
-I know. It was dumb.

263
00:14:27,600 --> 00:14:30,672
I shouldn't have done it.
And it's making me feel sad.

264
00:14:31,771 --> 00:14:33,273
So sad.

265
00:14:35,842 --> 00:14:38,118
You know, why don't you take a bath?
I'll do the dishes.

266
00:14:41,948 --> 00:14:44,758
Three, two, one...

267
00:14:45,618 --> 00:14:46,756
That's it.

268
00:14:46,853 --> 00:14:49,197
Our dating profiles are live
on the Internet.

269
00:14:49,255 --> 00:14:53,965
Attention all shoppers:
my business is open for business!

270
00:14:55,528 --> 00:14:57,439
That's right, ladies.

271
00:14:57,530 --> 00:15:01,273
For all you know,
I'm confident and fun to be around.

272
00:15:03,269 --> 00:15:04,543
(COMPUTER CHIMES)

273
00:15:04,771 --> 00:15:07,911
Oh, cool, it tells you
when someone's reading your profile.

274
00:15:07,974 --> 00:15:10,784
"Jenny309."

275
00:15:11,377 --> 00:15:12,947
I hope that's not her weight.

276
00:15:14,781 --> 00:15:16,624
If it is, I'll... I'll take her.

277
00:15:19,318 --> 00:15:20,558
(COMPUTER DINGS)

278
00:15:20,753 --> 00:15:23,256
Ooh! I got one, too.

279
00:15:23,322 --> 00:15:25,495
The ladies are coming to us.

280
00:15:26,959 --> 00:15:29,098
Oh, man,
if I'd started this years ago,

281
00:15:29,162 --> 00:15:31,733
I'd be divorced two or three times
by now.

282
00:15:32,098 --> 00:15:33,270
(COMPUTER CHIMES)

283
00:15:33,466 --> 00:15:34,945
What...? Another one.

284
00:15:35,301 --> 00:15:37,406
You know, ifs weird.

285
00:15:37,503 --> 00:15:40,347
When they're reading your profile,
does it make you feel exposed?

286
00:15:40,439 --> 00:15:42,282
Like they see you naked?

287
00:15:43,843 --> 00:15:46,653
Well, they're not running away
screaming, so, no.

288
00:15:49,582 --> 00:15:51,186
I love Little House.

289
00:15:51,250 --> 00:15:53,196
It made me want to live
on a farm so much.

290
00:15:53,286 --> 00:15:54,856
I tried to milk my cat.

291
00:15:58,524 --> 00:16:01,130
That tangy bowl of Cheerios
was not worth the stitches.

292
00:16:03,362 --> 00:16:05,808
Well, you sit back, relax,

293
00:16:05,932 --> 00:16:08,674
and enjoy a beloved
childhood memory.

294
00:16:08,968 --> 00:16:11,847
J' (LITTLE HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE
THEME PLAYS) J'

295
00:16:13,139 --> 00:16:15,380
You see that cabin there?

296
00:16:15,475 --> 00:16:19,013
I read they were illegally squatting
on Indian land.

297
00:16:21,013 --> 00:16:25,325
Personally, I think what we did
to the Native Americans was wrong,

298
00:16:25,384 --> 00:16:27,955
but this is your favourite show,
not mine.

299
00:16:28,855 --> 00:16:33,531
Oh, look at little Laura Ingalls,
eating that peanut butter sandwich.

300
00:16:33,659 --> 00:16:35,002
Peanut butter?

301
00:16:35,161 --> 00:16:36,469
Huh...

302
00:16:37,663 --> 00:16:39,472
That's strange,

303
00:16:39,532 --> 00:16:43,002
since peanut butter wasn't introduced
until the early 1900s.

304
00:16:45,538 --> 00:16:47,745
If I knew this show was
about time travel,

305
00:16:47,840 --> 00:16:49,751
I would have watched it much sooner.

306
00:16:51,244 --> 00:16:53,019
(TURNS OFF TV)

307
00:16:53,212 --> 00:16:54,816
You're trying to get back at me

308
00:16:54,847 --> 00:16:56,554
for what I said
about Raiders of the Lust Ark.

309
00:16:56,649 --> 00:16:58,390
That's silly.

310
00:16:58,518 --> 00:17:01,089
Almost as silly as Dr. Baker
having a telephone,

311
00:17:01,187 --> 00:17:04,259
since telephones only existed
in large cities at that time.

312
00:17:04,857 --> 00:17:07,497
This is more like Little House
on the Preposterous.

313
00:17:08,928 --> 00:17:11,568
Sheldon, we're in a relationship.

314
00:17:11,731 --> 00:17:14,109
When you get angry, just tell me.

315
00:17:14,200 --> 00:17:15,838
You don't need to seek revenge.

316
00:17:16,535 --> 00:17:17,775
Are you sure?

317
00:17:19,605 --> 00:17:21,414
Every time my dad stayed out
all night,

318
00:17:21,440 --> 00:17:24,080
my mom would put hamster poop
in his chewing tobacco.

319
00:17:26,579 --> 00:17:28,183
Well, that's not how
we're going to do it.

320
00:17:28,781 --> 00:17:30,260
Fine.

321
00:17:30,349 --> 00:17:31,851
I'm mad at you.

322
00:17:31,918 --> 00:17:34,296
Not only did you ruin Raiders for me,

323
00:17:34,353 --> 00:17:36,196
you may have ruined
the whole franchise.

324
00:17:36,255 --> 00:17:38,098
Except for the fourth one,

325
00:17:38,124 --> 00:17:40,263
which was bad
before you got your mitts on it.

326
00:17:42,128 --> 00:17:44,404
I shouldn't have said it.
I'm sorry.

327
00:17:45,064 --> 00:17:46,372
Thank you.

328
00:17:46,432 --> 00:17:48,912
-Do you feel better?
-Yes.

329
00:17:49,402 --> 00:17:51,245
But not as good as I'm going
to when I tell you

330
00:17:51,304 --> 00:17:54,217
that your precious Garfield has
no reason to hate Mondays.

331
00:17:55,308 --> 00:17:57,413
He's a cat.
He doesn't have a job.

332
00:18:03,082 --> 00:18:05,562
Hey, I was just--
What is happening?

333
00:18:07,420 --> 00:18:09,093
Oh, just a little treat.

334
00:18:09,155 --> 00:18:11,931
I know you've been feeling really bad
about your mom lately.

335
00:18:11,991 --> 00:18:15,268
Oh, oh, I have. So bad.

336
00:18:15,394 --> 00:18:17,635
And I wanted to make you feel better,

337
00:18:17,797 --> 00:18:20,505
so I planned something
very special for you.

338
00:18:20,633 --> 00:18:23,273
I can already feel it working.

339
00:18:24,770 --> 00:18:26,943
Hello, Leonard.

340
00:18:30,076 --> 00:18:31,146
Mom?!

341
00:18:31,444 --> 00:18:34,448
I understand you have been whining
about my parenting

342
00:18:34,513 --> 00:18:36,993
in order to emotionally manipulate
your girlfriend.

343
00:18:37,650 --> 00:18:38,856
I... uh...

344
00:18:38,951 --> 00:18:40,521
Bernadette told me everything.

345
00:18:40,653 --> 00:18:42,826
Now you don't get the left
or the right.

346
00:18:45,525 --> 00:18:49,598
Lets discuss why you continue
to involve me in your sex life.

347
00:18:49,662 --> 00:18:52,040
Oh, please, Mommy.
No, Mommy.

348
00:18:53,199 --> 00:18:54,644
When you were six years old,

349
00:18:54,700 --> 00:18:57,476
you walked in on me
and your father naked.

350
00:18:58,938 --> 00:19:02,784
I was swatting his bottom with
your brand-new Ping-Pong paddle.

351
00:19:06,045 --> 00:19:08,150
I didn't dream that?

352
00:19:09,615 --> 00:19:12,027
How did that make you feel?

353
00:19:13,219 --> 00:19:15,961
Penny, come back!
I'm sad for real now!

354
00:19:17,957 --> 00:19:22,497
In the last two hours,
162 women have read our profiles.

355
00:19:22,561 --> 00:19:23,972
How many of them
have sent us messages?

356
00:19:24,030 --> 00:19:25,373
-Combined?
-Yes.

357
00:19:25,498 --> 00:19:27,171
Zero.

358
00:19:29,869 --> 00:19:31,405
Dude, this is... this is brutal.

359
00:19:31,537 --> 00:19:34,711
I don't think I've ever felt
so rejected.

360
00:19:34,807 --> 00:19:38,687
And I had a rescue dog
who ran back to the pound.

361
00:19:40,913 --> 00:19:42,517
This is the worst.

362
00:19:42,648 --> 00:19:43,888
If we're gonna get shot down,

363
00:19:43,983 --> 00:19:46,361
we might as well just go to a bar
and do it old-school.

364
00:19:46,419 --> 00:19:49,992
-And make them look us in the eye.
-Yeah, anything is better than this.

365
00:19:50,556 --> 00:19:52,729
-Hello.
-Not interested.

366
00:19:53,025 --> 00:19:54,698
I (POP MUSIC PLAYS) I

367
00:19:55,828 --> 00:19:57,933
I was wrong. This is worse.

368
00:20:02,068 --> 00:20:04,605
I (INDIANA JONES THEME PLAYS) I

369
00:20:07,106 --> 00:20:09,416
Wait, wait.
If it wasn't for Indiana Jones,

370
00:20:09,508 --> 00:20:11,385
the ark would never have ended up
at the warehouse!

371
00:20:11,510 --> 00:20:13,353
That's true!

372
00:20:13,412 --> 00:20:17,519
He collected and delivered the ark
to the proper authorities for filing.

373
00:20:17,550 --> 00:20:19,257
-Like a hero!
-Yes!

374
00:20:22,254 --> 00:20:24,734
Although, technically,
Indy was supposed to take the ark

375
00:20:24,790 --> 00:20:27,270
to a museum to be studied.
He couldn't even get that done.

376
00:20:29,295 --> 00:20:31,935
(ALL GRUMBLE)