1
00:00:02,056 --> 00:00:05,820
This is a historic day.
At 12:01 this morning,
2
00:00:05,858 --> 00:00:09,804
the city of Eagleton ceased to exist
and was re-absorbed back into Pawnee.
3
00:00:09,837 --> 00:00:12,868
Things are exactly the way
they were back in 1817,
4
00:00:12,893 --> 00:00:16,786
except, you know, women and minorities
can vote, we have indoor toilets,
5
00:00:16,817 --> 00:00:19,898
and we no longer burn widows
for learning arithmetic.
6
00:00:19,961 --> 00:00:24,111
Councilwoman Knope is your merger czar,
and in the binders that she's provided,
7
00:00:24,136 --> 00:00:27,019
you will find directions
to your department in Pawnee
8
00:00:27,050 --> 00:00:29,650
that most closely matches
your department in Eagleton.
9
00:00:29,676 --> 00:00:32,229
There are two Eagleton departments
Pawnee does not have:
10
00:00:32,260 --> 00:00:36,906
the Department of Infinity Pool Design
and the Department of Dressage,
11
00:00:36,919 --> 00:00:39,269
which I am told is a fancy
horse-riding thing.
12
00:00:39,294 --> 00:00:41,867
It is horse-dancing, madam.
13
00:00:41,885 --> 00:00:43,568
Okay, take it easy, Alonzo.
14
00:00:43,603 --> 00:00:46,459
All you horse dancing people, sit
in your saddles if you will.
15
00:00:46,488 --> 00:00:48,795
The rest of you, welcome
to your new departments.
16
00:00:48,869 --> 00:00:52,550
Attention: Eagleton is
now under martial law.
17
00:00:52,581 --> 00:00:53,319
No.
18
00:00:56,406 --> 00:01:06,406
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther
19
00:01:13,696 --> 00:01:15,213
Okay, Pawnee Parks Department.
20
00:01:15,232 --> 00:01:17,135
Soon, you will be paired up
with a person
21
00:01:17,153 --> 00:01:19,483
who was roughly your
equivalent in Eagleton.
22
00:01:19,499 --> 00:01:21,537
Donna, you'll be with Craig.
23
00:01:21,558 --> 00:01:24,164
April, you'll be with someone
named Tynnyfer.
24
00:01:24,198 --> 00:01:26,381
And Ron, your guy is
also named Ron.
25
00:01:26,407 --> 00:01:28,624
Guess there's no Tom
Haverford equivalent.
26
00:01:28,658 --> 00:01:30,710
Not surprised,
I'm one of a kind,
27
00:01:30,735 --> 00:01:34,996
just like the custom Nikes I designed that
say "Tommy's Tootsies" across the toes.
28
00:01:35,027 --> 00:01:36,358
You do have
a counterpart, actually.
29
00:01:36,377 --> 00:01:38,869
His name is Eric, and
I've heard he's amazing.
30
00:01:38,907 --> 00:01:40,729
Anyway, I also have
a little surprise.
31
00:01:40,753 --> 00:01:43,265
I would like to introduce
our new filing temp.
32
00:01:43,291 --> 00:01:45,047
- Hey, everybody.
- No!
33
00:01:45,076 --> 00:01:47,487
No, why?
This can't be happening.
34
00:01:47,505 --> 00:01:48,556
Why, Leslie?
35
00:01:48,580 --> 00:01:50,669
We brought Jerry
out of retirement
36
00:01:50,678 --> 00:01:52,651
because we have a mountain
of filing to get through.
37
00:01:52,676 --> 00:01:54,890
- Welcome back, Jerry Gergic.
- Thank you, Leslie.
38
00:01:54,900 --> 00:01:56,717
And as long as we're
starting out fresh,
39
00:01:56,737 --> 00:01:59,701
Leslie, I was wondering if people
would call me by my real name.
40
00:01:59,720 --> 00:02:01,715
- Larry?
- No, it's not Larry.
41
00:02:01,734 --> 00:02:03,766
It's Jerry.
No, it's Gary.
42
00:02:03,785 --> 00:02:05,923
Your name is Larry,
Larry Gengurch.
43
00:02:05,952 --> 00:02:07,350
His name is Larry Gengurch.
44
00:02:07,373 --> 00:02:11,090
Come on, April, it's already hard enough
for my family when you call me "Gary."
45
00:02:11,466 --> 00:02:13,376
- Jerry.
- Ha, ha, classic Larry.
46
00:02:14,339 --> 00:02:15,562
- Larry.
- Aw, jeez.
47
00:02:15,592 --> 00:02:17,601
Larry, Larry, Larry.
48
00:02:17,634 --> 00:02:20,482
Look, I'm trying to save
as many jobs as possible,
49
00:02:20,507 --> 00:02:23,993
but we're gonna have to lose some people.
I'm not sure who we should keep.
50
00:02:24,034 --> 00:02:27,475
April, Tom and Donna are three of the
best human beings that have ever lived.
51
00:02:27,500 --> 00:02:31,095
Ron is basically a better
version of George Washington.
52
00:02:31,126 --> 00:02:32,589
But...
53
00:02:32,614 --> 00:02:35,502
the Eagletonians are
probably good too.
54
00:02:35,995 --> 00:02:38,982
Today, we are not just
merging two towns.
55
00:02:39,006 --> 00:02:41,112
We're throwing
a birthday party for a new city.
56
00:02:41,142 --> 00:02:43,486
Happy birthday, New Pawnee.
57
00:02:47,067 --> 00:02:48,113
Party's over.
58
00:02:48,137 --> 00:02:51,066
You guys lost millions
of taxpayer dollars,
59
00:02:51,081 --> 00:02:54,182
and we have to clean up the
obscene mess you've made.
60
00:02:54,408 --> 00:02:55,983
You're not as nice
as the other guy.
61
00:02:55,999 --> 00:02:57,698
I don't care.
62
00:02:57,887 --> 00:03:01,159
When we were state auditors,
we had an amazing system.
63
00:03:01,172 --> 00:03:04,759
Yeah, Chris pumped everyone up and
made them feel positive and happy.
64
00:03:04,768 --> 00:03:08,099
And I swooped in and slashed
their budgets to ribbons.
65
00:03:08,118 --> 00:03:09,945
Like a majestic alley-oop.
66
00:03:09,965 --> 00:03:12,353
You're all amazing!
67
00:03:12,378 --> 00:03:14,347
You're all fired.
68
00:03:14,437 --> 00:03:15,853
Teamwork.
69
00:03:16,541 --> 00:03:19,079
Hi, you've reached
the voicemail of
70
00:03:19,654 --> 00:03:21,499
Larry Gengurch.
71
00:03:21,897 --> 00:03:23,899
Please leave your message
after the tone.
72
00:03:23,923 --> 00:03:26,007
Well, when Leslie called
to see if I could help,
73
00:03:26,019 --> 00:03:29,963
Gayle and I were just getting on
a cruise ship to the Bahamas.
74
00:03:29,989 --> 00:03:34,095
I said, "Gayle, put that bikini
away, because Pawnee needs me."
75
00:03:34,219 --> 00:03:38,816
Oh ho! Somebody forgot
a banana in here--ooh!
76
00:03:39,355 --> 00:03:40,305
Hi, I'm Donna.
77
00:03:40,331 --> 00:03:43,960
Oh, that is the perfect name for you.
I love it. Never change it!
78
00:03:44,287 --> 00:03:45,831
Wasn't gonna.
79
00:03:45,912 --> 00:03:48,973
- You're Craig, right?
- Ugh, yes, but I hate that name.
80
00:03:48,994 --> 00:03:51,326
It's so boring. Sounds
like someone's cousin.
81
00:03:51,344 --> 00:03:52,865
Craig! Craig!
82
00:03:52,888 --> 00:03:56,274
I want to be a Spanish man named
Terrence, but that didn't happen.
83
00:03:56,418 --> 00:04:00,427
Okay. So here's
my list of duties.
84
00:04:00,478 --> 00:04:03,055
I'm basically the
office manager.
85
00:04:03,097 --> 00:04:05,254
- How about you?
- Oh, I did everything.
86
00:04:05,319 --> 00:04:06,086
Everything!
87
00:04:06,117 --> 00:04:07,847
I carried the Eagleton
department on my shoulders
88
00:04:07,871 --> 00:04:11,511
for years, and I loved every second of it.
You don't even know!
89
00:04:12,057 --> 00:04:13,951
I'm sorry,
was your name Jennifer?
90
00:04:13,976 --> 00:04:16,852
No, it's Tynnyffer with two y's.
91
00:04:16,882 --> 00:04:20,617
I used to be Jennifer, but then
I decided to rebrand myself.
92
00:04:21,525 --> 00:04:24,134
Oh, wait, hang on.
It's Xanax o'clock.
93
00:04:27,772 --> 00:04:29,397
Um,
94
00:04:29,641 --> 00:04:32,416
well, nice to meet you.
My name's April,
95
00:04:32,448 --> 00:04:37,164
and I just wanted to say that
your dress is so cute it's bonks.
96
00:04:37,195 --> 00:04:39,816
I saw my spinning instructor
wearing it, and I was like,
97
00:04:39,849 --> 00:04:41,188
"Shut up. Where do I get that?"
98
00:04:41,207 --> 00:04:44,465
Oh, my God. Who's your spinning instructor?
Gregory or Wynona?
99
00:04:44,484 --> 00:04:46,943
I go to Yonis. Who are
Gregory and Wynona?
100
00:04:46,961 --> 00:04:48,130
I've never
heard of them before.
101
00:04:48,147 --> 00:04:50,988
- Are they better?
- Wynona rocks my world.
102
00:04:51,013 --> 00:04:55,344
Seriously, you need to get me in there.
Like, that's a must, must, must.
103
00:04:55,363 --> 00:04:57,548
She's the worst person
I've ever met.
104
00:04:57,677 --> 00:04:59,829
I want to travel
the world with her.
105
00:05:01,343 --> 00:05:02,771
Ron.
106
00:05:03,102 --> 00:05:04,840
Ron.
107
00:05:05,491 --> 00:05:06,807
Last name?
108
00:05:06,912 --> 00:05:08,496
Dunne.
109
00:05:08,612 --> 00:05:12,275
Is that your name, or are you
telling me you're finished talking?
110
00:05:12,445 --> 00:05:14,220
Both.
111
00:05:15,420 --> 00:05:16,826
Dunne and done.
112
00:05:19,553 --> 00:05:21,387
I like Ron.
113
00:05:23,586 --> 00:05:25,637
- Hi.
- Well, well, well.
114
00:05:25,665 --> 00:05:26,765
You must be Eric.
115
00:05:26,811 --> 00:05:30,230
I'm Ragiv from I.T.
This is E.R.I.C.
116
00:05:30,336 --> 00:05:32,008
E.R.I.C. is
a computer program?
117
00:05:32,027 --> 00:05:34,857
Stands for Eagleton Reservation
Information Center.
118
00:05:34,908 --> 00:05:36,700
It does all the scheduling
in Eagleton.
119
00:05:36,730 --> 00:05:38,428
I'm here to install it.
120
00:05:38,718 --> 00:05:40,456
But scheduling's
the main part of my job.
121
00:05:40,481 --> 00:05:42,981
You still have a human being in
charge of booking tennis courts?
122
00:05:42,999 --> 00:05:45,168
What is this, 1990?
123
00:05:45,223 --> 00:05:46,807
I guess that explains
the shoulder pads.
124
00:05:52,764 --> 00:05:54,632
How did he notice these?
125
00:05:55,473 --> 00:05:57,142
Hey, this is a surprise.
126
00:05:57,169 --> 00:05:59,657
Yeah, I just wanted
to chat for a sec.
127
00:05:59,682 --> 00:06:02,163
You know, just so you could
hear some things from me.
128
00:06:02,186 --> 00:06:04,020
Verbal things from my mouth.
129
00:06:04,046 --> 00:06:05,625
Did that sound weird?
130
00:06:05,677 --> 00:06:07,812
- Is everything okay?
- Yeah, everything's fine.
131
00:06:07,837 --> 00:06:09,963
- First of all, this is Evelyn.
- Oh, hello.
132
00:06:09,975 --> 00:06:13,341
She is my Health Department
counterpart from Eagleton.
133
00:06:13,585 --> 00:06:15,449
There really wasn't a ton
of work for me there.
134
00:06:15,478 --> 00:06:17,077
Eagletonians are very healthy.
135
00:06:17,082 --> 00:06:19,327
Oh, well, this might be a very
interesting challenge for you,
136
00:06:19,358 --> 00:06:23,211
because Pawnee has the very first
documented case of mega-diabetes.
137
00:06:23,227 --> 00:06:27,369
And the only know occurrence
of Lou Gehrig's other disease.
138
00:06:27,635 --> 00:06:29,272
We've been written about
in textbooks.
139
00:06:29,293 --> 00:06:31,135
Thanks, Evelyn, I'll
see you back in my office.
140
00:06:31,153 --> 00:06:34,276
I just need to talk some more
words into Leslie's face.
141
00:06:34,312 --> 00:06:36,747
Nice to meet you.
Ahem.
142
00:06:36,775 --> 00:06:40,342
Wow. I feel sorry for her. I mean,
nobody can fill your shoes, Ann.
143
00:06:40,369 --> 00:06:42,105
With your tiny
little doll feet.
144
00:06:42,163 --> 00:06:44,181
Actually, that's what
I wanted to talk to you about.
145
00:06:44,219 --> 00:06:46,937
I, uh, I'm gonna step down,
146
00:06:47,168 --> 00:06:49,502
and I'm gonna turn my
job over to Evelyn.
147
00:06:49,530 --> 00:06:50,581
What? No.
148
00:06:50,601 --> 00:06:52,107
Did somebody put you up to this?
149
00:06:52,133 --> 00:06:54,534
Was it Evelyn? I knew
she was a monster.
150
00:06:54,558 --> 00:06:57,725
No. No, no, no. Chris and
I have been talking,
151
00:06:57,781 --> 00:07:00,985
and we are thinking very
seriously about leaving Pawnee
152
00:07:01,010 --> 00:07:04,365
and moving somewhere else
to start our family--
153
00:07:04,383 --> 00:07:07,307
Oh, my God, look at that.
It's waffles!
154
00:07:07,327 --> 00:07:09,416
- Delicious waffles.
- Wait.
155
00:07:09,445 --> 00:07:11,520
Should we try? Yeah, let's try.
156
00:07:11,550 --> 00:07:12,812
- Huh?
- Mmm.
157
00:07:12,834 --> 00:07:14,832
- Wait, what were you saying?
- Try.
158
00:07:15,313 --> 00:07:18,671
Just enjoy. Yeah.
There we go.
159
00:07:19,995 --> 00:07:21,545
So, if I'm hearing you correctly,
160
00:07:21,567 --> 00:07:23,949
you're telling me you're not
thinking about leaving Pawnee.
161
00:07:23,980 --> 00:07:25,857
I am thinking about leaving.
162
00:07:25,876 --> 00:07:28,122
Is this one of those
classic Ann "not" jokes?
163
00:07:28,150 --> 00:07:29,970
Like, "I'm leaving
Pawnee... not!"
164
00:07:29,988 --> 00:07:30,814
I don't do that.
165
00:07:30,848 --> 00:07:32,313
I was hoping
that you had started.
166
00:07:32,338 --> 00:07:35,276
It's not definite. It's just
neither of us are from Pawnee.
167
00:07:35,307 --> 00:07:38,154
And I have a whole
family in Michigan.
168
00:07:38,180 --> 00:07:41,114
And Chris is missing life
in a bigger city.
169
00:07:41,132 --> 00:07:42,550
And I just wanted...
170
00:07:42,572 --> 00:07:45,014
to talk to you about it so
you could hear it from me.
171
00:07:46,944 --> 00:07:48,596
- Do you hear that galloping?
- Hmm?
172
00:07:48,609 --> 00:07:52,140
Wha--oh, my-- look at that!
173
00:07:52,259 --> 00:07:57,252
Joe Biden on a horse shirtless.
That's amazing!
174
00:07:57,824 --> 00:08:01,489
Uh, I've got a ton of work to do.
I'm super busy, so you...
175
00:08:01,644 --> 00:08:04,032
can let yourself...
176
00:08:04,880 --> 00:08:07,605
Look, if Ann wants to
leave Pawnee, I get it.
177
00:08:07,624 --> 00:08:10,374
I mean, who wants to stay in
the greatest town in the world
178
00:08:10,394 --> 00:08:12,688
with her best friend
and be happy forever
179
00:08:12,705 --> 00:08:15,701
when she can abandon her
soul sister like an old shoe
180
00:08:15,718 --> 00:08:18,184
and move to a garbage city
full of jerks.
181
00:08:18,339 --> 00:08:21,394
I get it. No hard feelings.
182
00:08:21,533 --> 00:08:23,342
- You have to text me.
- I will.
183
00:08:23,361 --> 00:08:26,891
Sorry for the delay, ladies, I was
busy being ambushed by treachery.
184
00:08:26,919 --> 00:08:30,466
So did you have a chance to compare
notes on your respective duties?
185
00:08:30,484 --> 00:08:31,385
Totally.
186
00:08:31,405 --> 00:08:33,428
Tynny and I have been,
like, totally bonding.
187
00:08:33,452 --> 00:08:35,623
We've just been like blah
blah blah blah blah blah blah!
188
00:08:35,648 --> 00:08:37,168
Like, talking, like,
so much forever.
189
00:08:37,192 --> 00:08:39,187
- It was all so delicious.
- I know, right?
190
00:08:39,204 --> 00:08:42,126
- This is, like, the best day ever.
- I know, I'm eating it all up.
191
00:08:42,157 --> 00:08:44,335
Wow. It's nice to see
a friendship blossoming
192
00:08:44,347 --> 00:08:48,399
instead of wiling away
like a dying turd flower.
193
00:08:48,531 --> 00:08:52,380
Totes. Um, we also came up with
these nicknames for each other.
194
00:08:52,474 --> 00:08:55,533
Slut and Skank.
195
00:08:55,587 --> 00:08:57,087
How craze-mazing is that, Lez?
196
00:08:57,098 --> 00:08:59,837
Well, you know what I think
is craze-mazing? Commitment.
197
00:08:59,958 --> 00:09:02,574
I'm looking for someone who's
in it for the long haul.
198
00:09:02,600 --> 00:09:05,086
We are basically creating
a new version of Pawnee,
199
00:09:05,113 --> 00:09:08,558
and if Pawnee is gonna commit to one
of you, you need to commit to Pawnee.
200
00:09:08,582 --> 00:09:09,827
Tynnyfer, do you have kids?
201
00:09:09,864 --> 00:09:12,111
Ew, no. I've had so
much rejuvenation
202
00:09:12,140 --> 00:09:14,966
that I don't think a baby could
get out of there if it tried.
203
00:09:15,322 --> 00:09:16,966
You know it.
204
00:09:17,022 --> 00:09:19,324
I guess we can make a
switch to Bermuda grass.
205
00:09:19,358 --> 00:09:21,077
It's only 80 cents
more per square foot?
206
00:09:21,093 --> 00:09:23,584
What? Gimme gimme gimme.
207
00:09:23,636 --> 00:09:26,444
You want me to put Bermuda
grass in a continental climate
208
00:09:26,464 --> 00:09:28,300
that's a six on Beaufort scale?
209
00:09:28,326 --> 00:09:30,032
In a park with zero drainage?
210
00:09:30,058 --> 00:09:32,468
I want Kentucky bluegrass,
I want a 10 percent discount,
211
00:09:32,489 --> 00:09:35,401
and I want you to apologize
to my best friend Donna!
212
00:09:38,436 --> 00:09:41,010
Yeah, hi. Is there-- and
I'm just guessing here--
213
00:09:41,029 --> 00:09:43,409
some kind of medication
that you maybe
214
00:09:43,421 --> 00:09:46,690
need a lot of and have taken none
of or maybe too much of today?
215
00:09:46,708 --> 00:09:50,495
Oh, I have a medical condition all right.
It's called caring too much!
216
00:09:50,663 --> 00:09:52,734
And it's incurable!
217
00:09:53,422 --> 00:09:55,516
Also I have eczema.
218
00:09:56,942 --> 00:10:00,666
Okay, Eagleton Ron, tell me
a little about yourself.
219
00:10:00,817 --> 00:10:03,552
Well, I love the outdoors,
love nature.
220
00:10:03,576 --> 00:10:04,296
Amen.
221
00:10:04,315 --> 00:10:07,110
I'm a big believer in
environmental conservation.
222
00:10:07,140 --> 00:10:09,763
Recycling and composting
and the like.
223
00:10:09,788 --> 00:10:13,143
I'm a yoga nut.
And I'm a nut nut.
224
00:10:14,380 --> 00:10:16,243
They make delicious milks, man.
225
00:10:16,268 --> 00:10:17,667
And I'm a vegan, of course.
226
00:10:17,700 --> 00:10:20,197
Slowly working toward
full freegan-vegan.
227
00:10:20,222 --> 00:10:22,620
What in God's name is
freegan-vegan?
228
00:10:22,645 --> 00:10:26,162
You only eat vegetables that have been
thrown out in people's dumpsters.
229
00:10:26,291 --> 00:10:28,504
What is on your foot, sir?
230
00:10:28,534 --> 00:10:29,961
My trusty sandals.
231
00:10:29,986 --> 00:10:33,509
I believe a man's feet
should remain uncaged.
232
00:10:33,653 --> 00:10:35,397
Same goes for all chickens.
233
00:10:35,427 --> 00:10:41,232
Well, Eagleton Ron, we here in
Pawnee value loyalty above all else.
234
00:10:41,258 --> 00:10:46,563
So would you be opposed to signing an
official loyalty pledge to our new town?
235
00:10:46,582 --> 00:10:49,070
As long as that new town
were open to the ideals
236
00:10:49,086 --> 00:10:53,277
of communal living, everyone
pitches in towards a common good.
237
00:10:53,310 --> 00:10:55,416
In the immortal words
of Cat Stevens,
238
00:10:55,450 --> 00:10:58,553
"If you want to be free,
be free."
239
00:10:59,290 --> 00:11:01,658
I no longer like Ron.
240
00:11:01,923 --> 00:11:03,527
E.R.I.C. is
an amazing program.
241
00:11:03,569 --> 00:11:05,557
Fast, fun and easy to use.
242
00:11:05,573 --> 00:11:10,002
But there's one thing no man or
machine can beat Tom Haverford at--
243
00:11:10,192 --> 00:11:12,860
talking mad trash
till I get what I want.
244
00:11:13,411 --> 00:11:15,255
This guy Eric is a disaster.
245
00:11:15,280 --> 00:11:17,044
- What do you mean?
- Just a bad attitude.
246
00:11:17,063 --> 00:11:18,946
"Oh, I hate this place.
Get me out here."
247
00:11:18,976 --> 00:11:21,505
That kind of thing.
And unreliable.
248
00:11:21,540 --> 00:11:22,909
And racist.
249
00:11:22,934 --> 00:11:24,759
I think he may have even
been to jail.
250
00:11:24,783 --> 00:11:27,607
Although, you know, maybe those
are just regular face tattoos.
251
00:11:27,647 --> 00:11:29,870
Wow. That's not good.
252
00:11:29,951 --> 00:11:31,532
I should probably talk to him.
253
00:11:31,565 --> 00:11:33,053
Well, let me see if
can turn him around.
254
00:11:33,066 --> 00:11:35,651
I don't want to put this on your plate.
You have a lot to deal with.
255
00:11:35,669 --> 00:11:38,280
Thanks, Tom.
You're the best.
256
00:11:40,434 --> 00:11:43,936
Okay, let's take a look at this list of
assets owned by the Eagleton government.
257
00:11:43,948 --> 00:11:46,169
400 Segway scooters.
258
00:11:46,192 --> 00:11:47,473
Sell 'em. They're gone.
259
00:11:47,498 --> 00:11:49,940
You had six full-time baristas
on the payroll.
260
00:11:49,958 --> 00:11:51,891
The baristas are gone.
261
00:11:52,027 --> 00:11:53,877
As are the masseurs.
262
00:11:54,099 --> 00:11:58,503
And the full-time barista who
provided coffee for the masseurs.
263
00:11:58,521 --> 00:12:01,544
It is excellent having the old
band back together again.
264
00:12:01,703 --> 00:12:03,136
You know what?
265
00:12:03,359 --> 00:12:05,768
This calls for some
celebratory lunges.
266
00:12:05,988 --> 00:12:07,277
One...
267
00:12:08,251 --> 00:12:09,219
two...
268
00:12:09,249 --> 00:12:11,266
All right, Donna. There's gonna
have to be some cutbacks.
269
00:12:11,283 --> 00:12:13,122
I mean, your job
is secure, of course.
270
00:12:13,148 --> 00:12:15,225
You're basically the glue
of this department.
271
00:12:15,244 --> 00:12:17,289
But I think Craig's
gonna have to go.
272
00:12:17,305 --> 00:12:19,120
No, you should keep him.
273
00:12:19,138 --> 00:12:22,904
He's crazy intense, but I've never met
anyone who cares more about this job.
274
00:12:22,947 --> 00:12:25,255
Uh, Donna, I'm right here.
275
00:12:25,278 --> 00:12:27,163
No joke. He might
care more than you.
276
00:12:27,190 --> 00:12:29,177
Honestly, if I had to choose
between him and me,
277
00:12:29,209 --> 00:12:30,640
- I'd choose him.
- Wait, what are you saying?
278
00:12:30,665 --> 00:12:33,209
- Are you thinking about leaving?
- I wasn't planning on it, but I could.
279
00:12:33,230 --> 00:12:36,305
You know, I got the condo in
Seattle, the fiance in Denver.
280
00:12:36,336 --> 00:12:38,117
- Huh?
- It won't last.
281
00:12:38,136 --> 00:12:41,749
Leslie, I would be happy to go back into
retirement if you have to cut the staff.
282
00:12:41,774 --> 00:12:43,612
What? Even Larry wants out?
283
00:12:43,630 --> 00:12:44,918
What the hell is happening here?
284
00:12:44,944 --> 00:12:47,643
Does everybody think that running
a town is just some game
285
00:12:47,660 --> 00:12:50,001
where people can come
and go as they please?
286
00:12:50,025 --> 00:12:52,340
Okey-dokey, Leslie.
You're mad at me.
287
00:12:52,357 --> 00:12:54,488
Don't take it out on
everybody else. It's not fair.
288
00:12:54,507 --> 00:12:55,788
I'll tell you what's not fair.
289
00:12:55,813 --> 00:12:59,032
I'm gonna have to watch the
Oscars with Ben alone this year.
290
00:12:59,129 --> 00:13:03,064
Last year, don't you remember Angelina
Jolie and the leg dress moment?
291
00:13:03,082 --> 00:13:06,147
He had, and I quote,
"no comment."
292
00:13:06,303 --> 00:13:08,687
How can you not have an extreme
reaction about a dress like that?
293
00:13:08,712 --> 00:13:09,776
It just doesn't make any sense!
294
00:13:09,809 --> 00:13:11,901
- Okay, we need to talk.
- I'm sorry, Ann.
295
00:13:11,925 --> 00:13:14,114
I can't understand you.
You've developed some accent
296
00:13:14,129 --> 00:13:16,130
from that new town
you might move to!
297
00:13:17,034 --> 00:13:20,077
It seems like no one around here
understands the meaning of loyalty.
298
00:13:20,100 --> 00:13:22,268
I am the merger czar.
I make the rules.
299
00:13:22,311 --> 00:13:24,142
And I'm gonna teach people
the meaning of loyalty
300
00:13:24,160 --> 00:13:27,439
in a language they will
understand-- complicated legalese.
301
00:13:27,871 --> 00:13:30,271
Knope, what are these contracts?
302
00:13:30,296 --> 00:13:33,590
It's just a little something that I drew
up for all the employees of the new town.
303
00:13:33,606 --> 00:13:36,871
Basic boilerplate language, 50-year
commitment, blah, blah, blah.
304
00:13:36,888 --> 00:13:38,767
I'm so sorry, honey,
but Tynny and I
305
00:13:38,783 --> 00:13:41,636
won't sign anything until we
speak with our life coach.
306
00:13:41,654 --> 00:13:44,286
When Eric saw this, he smashed
a bunch of computers.
307
00:13:44,310 --> 00:13:46,691
- Why are you doing this?
- What's the big deal?
308
00:13:46,711 --> 00:13:50,217
I'm just trying to stop time with
legally-binding friendship contracts.
309
00:13:50,244 --> 00:13:51,846
What part of that
do you not understand?
310
00:13:51,870 --> 00:13:54,025
You have lost your mind.
311
00:13:54,755 --> 00:13:56,593
I think you need
a spa day, Les.
312
00:13:56,608 --> 00:14:00,365
Fine! You only have to work here
until I'm dead! Is that better?
313
00:14:02,799 --> 00:14:06,594
What in the name of all
that is holy is that smell?
314
00:14:06,657 --> 00:14:08,507
Yerba matte tea.
315
00:14:08,726 --> 00:14:10,302
Sweetened with stevia.
316
00:14:10,325 --> 00:14:12,396
It's an all-natural
plant extract.
317
00:14:12,427 --> 00:14:14,412
Shut your damn mouth.
318
00:14:14,583 --> 00:14:15,652
No need to curse.
319
00:14:15,669 --> 00:14:17,071
There most certainly is.
320
00:14:17,102 --> 00:14:20,457
Okay, all Eagleton people meet
me in the conference room.
321
00:14:20,488 --> 00:14:23,387
All Pawnee people,
sit at your desks.
322
00:14:23,399 --> 00:14:25,028
And take it personally.
323
00:14:25,896 --> 00:14:28,046
I kind of feel like we got
off on the wrong foot,
324
00:14:28,071 --> 00:14:30,659
so I made unity cookies
325
00:14:30,683 --> 00:14:33,821
with the Pawnee town's original
colors of blue and yellow.
326
00:14:33,845 --> 00:14:36,807
However, I did not have yellow
frosting, so I had to use mustard.
327
00:14:36,857 --> 00:14:40,207
But do not worry. I put tons of sugar
on them, so it will even it out.
328
00:14:41,582 --> 00:14:44,367
Mmm!
Sugar mustard.
329
00:14:44,607 --> 00:14:46,351
That's awful kind
of you, Leslie,
330
00:14:46,372 --> 00:14:48,468
but I'm afraid those are
a little too sweet for me.
331
00:14:48,474 --> 00:14:51,893
I unhooked from that big sugar
train over 30 years ago.
332
00:14:52,019 --> 00:14:54,832
You are a man of principle and
I respect that, cool Ron.
333
00:14:54,850 --> 00:14:56,688
So, what's your story, new Ann?
334
00:14:56,708 --> 00:15:00,173
You're kind of pretty. I mean, you're not
"Ann" pretty, but you have potential.
335
00:15:00,277 --> 00:15:02,352
Thank you, but I-I don't
work in this department.
336
00:15:02,361 --> 00:15:04,686
Shut your kind of pretty mouth
and, uh, eat a mustard cookie.
337
00:15:04,700 --> 00:15:06,938
Okay, so let's chit-chat, huh?
338
00:15:06,955 --> 00:15:10,232
Let's get to know each other and
then become familiar best friends.
339
00:15:10,258 --> 00:15:13,112
I don't have time for this. I'm halfway
through designing a bamboo gazebo
340
00:15:13,130 --> 00:15:15,217
as a tribute to
the founders of Motown.
341
00:15:15,235 --> 00:15:16,905
That's so Craig.
342
00:15:16,998 --> 00:15:18,748
Oh, Craig! We have
fun, don't we?
343
00:15:18,769 --> 00:15:22,142
Do you guys remember when this all started
and I came in here with the cookies,
344
00:15:22,160 --> 00:15:26,554
and then Craig said something so Craig and
we all laughed, and we were like, "Craig!"
345
00:15:27,332 --> 00:15:29,564
Do you think it would
be weird if we held hands?
346
00:15:29,592 --> 00:15:31,105
- Probably.
- This way, please.
347
00:15:31,130 --> 00:15:33,591
Excuse me, Ron, I am
talking to my best friends.
348
00:15:33,622 --> 00:15:36,143
Let me go!
Best friends, attack Ron!
349
00:15:37,246 --> 00:15:39,621
Ben, it has been an honor
watching you work today.
350
00:15:39,633 --> 00:15:41,765
It's been like watching
Leonardo work.
351
00:15:41,782 --> 00:15:44,116
Da Vinci or DiCaprio.
You're that good.
352
00:15:44,145 --> 00:15:45,551
Thanks, man.
353
00:15:45,645 --> 00:15:47,912
I was in the zone today.
354
00:15:48,024 --> 00:15:51,651
This really has been a lot of fun.
The old juice is back!
355
00:15:51,748 --> 00:15:53,086
Hey, should we keep this going?
356
00:15:53,104 --> 00:15:55,056
Celebratory dinner,
just like the old days?
357
00:15:55,081 --> 00:15:57,328
Ben, that's a great idea.
Hey, you know what?
358
00:15:57,345 --> 00:16:00,261
I know who I'm gonna use
to calculate tax and tip.
359
00:16:00,673 --> 00:16:02,105
Me?
360
00:16:03,260 --> 00:16:06,510
Can I just say something? I'm
having so much fun right now.
361
00:16:06,537 --> 00:16:09,192
Oh, my God, me too.
Like, so much fun.
362
00:16:09,204 --> 00:16:10,835
- Can I just say something, though?
- Yeah.
363
00:16:10,859 --> 00:16:13,065
Okay. You don't want this job.
364
00:16:13,140 --> 00:16:15,431
Seriously, this place
is the pits.
365
00:16:15,457 --> 00:16:17,659
It's like, if you worked
here, you'd be like, "Ugh!"
366
00:16:17,678 --> 00:16:19,970
And Leslie would be like,
"Blah, blah, blah."
367
00:16:19,994 --> 00:16:21,309
And you'd be like,
"Uh..."
368
00:16:21,347 --> 00:16:22,695
Okay, can I say something?
369
00:16:22,712 --> 00:16:24,843
Right now, I totally
think that you're right,
370
00:16:24,867 --> 00:16:28,736
and I had been thinking about going
someplace warm while my husband is in jail.
371
00:16:28,748 --> 00:16:31,896
- Oh, my God! Can I just say something?
- Yes!
372
00:16:31,928 --> 00:16:34,476
Okay. You should totally
stay at my house in Miami.
373
00:16:34,488 --> 00:16:36,026
- What?
- I'm serious.
374
00:16:36,038 --> 00:16:38,959
Come by anytime.
Just let yourself in.
375
00:16:39,010 --> 00:16:42,546
The gate kind of jams sometimes,
but you can just jump it.
376
00:16:42,558 --> 00:16:44,642
You are so amazing right now.
377
00:16:44,684 --> 00:16:47,651
You're like skinny
Mother Theresa.
378
00:16:48,153 --> 00:16:49,874
It's Dwayne Wade's house.
379
00:16:50,118 --> 00:16:52,097
I got his address
off the Internet.
380
00:16:52,454 --> 00:16:56,468
I really hope he's there when she walks in
and he throws a basketball at her head.
381
00:16:56,810 --> 00:16:58,561
Okay, enough is enough.
382
00:16:58,581 --> 00:17:01,412
- What is wrong with you, woman?
- I don't need to explain myself to you!
383
00:17:01,447 --> 00:17:03,915
I am the czar.
I can do as I please.
384
00:17:03,946 --> 00:17:07,337
Those who cross the czar
feel the wrath of the czar!
385
00:17:09,402 --> 00:17:12,127
Ann is thinking about
leaving Pawnee.
386
00:17:12,196 --> 00:17:14,244
Moving, with Chris.
387
00:17:14,274 --> 00:17:15,791
Well, that's nice.
388
00:17:15,813 --> 00:17:18,226
Nice, Ron? Edible
arrangements are nice.
389
00:17:18,263 --> 00:17:20,813
This is volcanically
hot betrayal!
390
00:17:20,832 --> 00:17:23,676
She is my best friend! She's thinking
about leaving, just like that!
391
00:17:23,695 --> 00:17:25,496
And she wants to "talk
to me" about it?
392
00:17:25,512 --> 00:17:27,684
It's like, I don't even
know what to say.
393
00:17:27,828 --> 00:17:30,772
That you love her and you
understand that it's her life,
394
00:17:30,794 --> 00:17:33,125
and geography will never
change your feelings.
395
00:17:33,141 --> 00:17:34,735
Whatever. I don't even need her.
396
00:17:34,753 --> 00:17:36,526
I've got Tynnyfer now,
and Craig,
397
00:17:36,549 --> 00:17:39,168
and Eric, the racist drug
dealer who I've yet to meet.
398
00:17:39,188 --> 00:17:40,533
Those are my real friends.
399
00:17:40,551 --> 00:17:44,263
You can't force friendship, Leslie.
It takes time.
400
00:17:44,890 --> 00:17:46,899
I once thought I had a friend.
401
00:17:46,971 --> 00:17:50,590
Then it turned out he was the single
worst person I have ever met.
402
00:17:50,635 --> 00:17:53,141
I agree with Ron, Leslie.
403
00:17:54,299 --> 00:17:56,330
It's like Moz once said.
404
00:17:56,814 --> 00:17:59,104
"Hold on to your friends."
405
00:17:59,593 --> 00:18:02,080
Morrissey.
The Smiths.
406
00:18:02,172 --> 00:18:03,860
You don't know Meat Is Murder?
407
00:18:03,915 --> 00:18:07,384
It's one of the best songs ever written
about industrialized beef consumption.
408
00:18:07,433 --> 00:18:10,477
Okay, Eagleton Ron. I think it
might be time for you to go.
409
00:18:10,490 --> 00:18:13,503
This Ron has the position
pretty much locked up,
410
00:18:13,522 --> 00:18:17,635
and, uh, I don't think we have any
room for you in our department.
411
00:18:17,695 --> 00:18:20,553
Fair enough. I
should have seen it.
412
00:18:21,210 --> 00:18:24,553
Taurus and Capricorns
never mix, do they?
413
00:18:25,226 --> 00:18:27,121
Just remember, Ron.
414
00:18:27,204 --> 00:18:30,897
Giving in to hate is like
drinking saltwater.
415
00:18:31,201 --> 00:18:33,949
The thirst only grows worse.
416
00:18:34,071 --> 00:18:38,241
Leslie, remove this man before I
commit an act of violence against him.
417
00:18:38,280 --> 00:18:41,661
Whatever you do,
I won't fight back.
418
00:18:45,373 --> 00:18:48,573
After I defeated him in an epic
struggle, E.R.I.C. is gone.
419
00:18:48,604 --> 00:18:51,273
He's been replaced
by T.O.M.--
420
00:18:51,291 --> 00:18:53,857
Town-wide
Organizational Matrix.
421
00:18:55,031 --> 00:18:56,505
Big plans tonight, Craig?
422
00:18:56,543 --> 00:18:58,489
No, I have a ton of work to do.
423
00:18:58,518 --> 00:19:01,742
Plus, my DVR is 13 months pregnant
with episodes of Scandal.
424
00:19:01,760 --> 00:19:03,612
Scandal's my favorite show.
425
00:19:03,662 --> 00:19:05,586
I love every character,
except for...
426
00:19:05,603 --> 00:19:06,967
Mellie.
427
00:19:07,012 --> 00:19:09,312
Oh! Of course you like Scandal!
428
00:19:09,361 --> 00:19:12,149
Because you're amazing!
I love you.
429
00:19:12,211 --> 00:19:15,908
And no matter what happens with
this job, I will always love you.
430
00:19:15,943 --> 00:19:17,334
Excuse me!
431
00:19:17,387 --> 00:19:19,440
Who even are you?
432
00:19:20,175 --> 00:19:21,276
How's your salad?
433
00:19:21,295 --> 00:19:25,176
Well, it's called the "Good Earth
Salad," but really, it's just cheese,
434
00:19:25,214 --> 00:19:28,490
toffee, and gummy bear worms.
435
00:19:28,644 --> 00:19:30,119
This town is really unhealthy.
436
00:19:30,171 --> 00:19:33,574
You know, I forgot that this
part of being accounting bros
437
00:19:33,599 --> 00:19:35,349
was actually pretty depressing.
438
00:19:35,397 --> 00:19:40,460
I mean, after the intense, almost meth-like
high of solving accounting puzzles,
439
00:19:40,485 --> 00:19:43,060
we were always just beat
at the end of the day.
440
00:19:43,177 --> 00:19:44,477
I actually think
it's something else.
441
00:19:44,502 --> 00:19:47,052
Back in the day,
this was all we had.
442
00:19:47,180 --> 00:19:49,682
We'd go into a town,
we'd fix problems.
443
00:19:49,700 --> 00:19:51,913
We'd go back to
some rundown motel.
444
00:19:51,937 --> 00:19:54,887
Yeah, you'd exercise. I'd
re-watch Twin Peaks,
445
00:19:54,913 --> 00:19:58,261
then hit the Twin Peaks message boards and
read The Secret Diary of Laura Palmer
446
00:19:58,279 --> 00:19:59,961
to find Easter Eggs I'd missed.
447
00:19:59,978 --> 00:20:02,424
But now, Ann and Leslie
are our real partners.
448
00:20:02,447 --> 00:20:04,565
Yeah. It's a good thing.
449
00:20:05,037 --> 00:20:07,925
But you were a fine surrogate
before we found them.
450
00:20:08,974 --> 00:20:12,035
Just so you know, we're
thinking of moving.
451
00:20:12,354 --> 00:20:15,664
Don't know where yet. Maybe
Michigan, to be with Ann's family.
452
00:20:15,754 --> 00:20:18,788
Wow. That makes me kind of sad.
453
00:20:19,022 --> 00:20:21,208
But also
454
00:20:21,601 --> 00:20:23,835
incredibly happy
for you and Ann.
455
00:20:24,162 --> 00:20:26,529
We have come a long way.
456
00:20:27,158 --> 00:20:28,659
Something healthy!
457
00:20:28,813 --> 00:20:30,213
A cherry tomato.
458
00:20:30,269 --> 00:20:31,853
Nope.
459
00:20:32,125 --> 00:20:33,794
- A gumball.
- Ooh!
460
00:20:35,152 --> 00:20:38,489
What I really want to
say is, I'm sorry.
461
00:20:38,950 --> 00:20:40,123
You're my best friend.
462
00:20:40,140 --> 00:20:42,792
This whole thing is just
scary and confusing.
463
00:20:42,817 --> 00:20:43,980
I love you.
464
00:20:44,005 --> 00:20:47,860
I want to talk about this, all
of this, whatever it means.
465
00:20:49,309 --> 00:20:50,759
Was that okay?
466
00:20:50,809 --> 00:20:51,834
I guess it's good.
467
00:20:51,843 --> 00:20:54,414
Again, I barely know you or Ann,
468
00:20:54,432 --> 00:20:56,383
so I don't have much
to go off of.
469
00:20:56,402 --> 00:20:58,246
- Well...
- Hey, Leslie.
470
00:20:58,278 --> 00:21:01,153
Hey. Uh, you are
excused, Fake Ann.
471
00:21:01,215 --> 00:21:03,854
That was six hours well spent.
I thank you.
472
00:21:04,052 --> 00:21:05,763
Looks like you've made
all your decisions.
473
00:21:05,787 --> 00:21:07,444
Well, almost.
474
00:21:07,494 --> 00:21:08,961
What were you talking
to Evelyn about?
475
00:21:08,998 --> 00:21:11,589
Nothing.
It's not important.
476
00:21:11,634 --> 00:21:13,434
The only thing that's
important is you.
477
00:21:13,446 --> 00:21:14,913
I'm ready to talk about this.
478
00:21:14,944 --> 00:21:16,975
I want to talk about this.
479
00:21:17,384 --> 00:21:19,268
Is now a good time?
480
00:21:21,421 --> 00:21:23,798
Yes. Now is a great time.
481
00:21:24,402 --> 00:21:31,402
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther