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This is a historic day.
At 12:01 this morning,
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the City of Eagleton
ceased to exist
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and was re-absorbed
back into Pawnee.
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Things are exactly the way
they were back in 1817.
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Except, you know,
women and minorities can vote,
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we have indoor toilets,
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and we no longer burn widows
for learning arithmetic.
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Councilwoman Knope
is your merger czar,
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and in the binders
that she's provided,
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you will find directions
to your department in Pawnee
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that most closely matches
your department in Eagleton.
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There are two Eagleton departments
Pawnee does not have,
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the Department of
Infinity Pool Design
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and the Department of Dressage,
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which I am told is
a fancy horse-riding thing.
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It is horse-dancing, madam.
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Okay, take it easy, Alonzo.
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All you horse-dancing people, sit
in your saddles if you will.
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The rest of you, welcome
to your new departments.
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- Attention, Eagleton is now
under martial law. - No.
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Ripped By mstoll
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Okay, Pawnee Parks Department,
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soon, you will be
paired up with the person
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who was roughly
your equivalent in Eagleton.
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Donna, you'll be with Craig.
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April, you'll be with
someone named Tynnyfer.
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And Ron,
your guy is also named Ron.
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Guess there's no Tom
Haverford equivalent.
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Not surprised,
I'm one of a kind,
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just like the custom
Nikes I designed
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that say "Tommy's
Tootsies" across the toes.
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LESLIE: You do have
a counterpart, actually.
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His name is Eric,
and I've heard he's amazing.
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Anyway, I also have
a little surprise.
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I would like to
introduce our new filing temp.
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Hey, everybody.
No!
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No, why?
This can't be happening.
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Why, Leslie?
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We brought Jerry
out of retirement
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because we have a mountain
of filing to get through.
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Welcome back, Jerry Gergich.
Thank you, Leslie.
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And as long as we're
starting out fresh,
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Leslie, I was wondering if people
would call me by my real name.
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Larry?
No, it's not Larry.
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It's Jerry. No, it's Gary.
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Your name is Larry,
Larry Gengurch.
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His name is Larry Gengurch.
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Come on, April,
it's already hard enough
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for my family when
you call me "Gary."
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Jerry.
(LAUGHING) Classic Larry.
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ALL: (CHANTING) Larry, Larry, Larry.
Jeez.
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Look, I'm trying to save
as many jobs as possible,
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but we're gonna have
to lose some people.
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I'm not sure who we should keep.
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April, Tom and Donna
are three of the best
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human beings that
have ever lived.
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Ron is basically a better
version of George Washington.
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But the Eagletonians
are probably good too.
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Today, we are not
just merging two towns.
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We're throwing a birthday
party for a new city.
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Happy birthday, New Pawnee.
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(KAZOO BLOWING)
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Party's over.
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You guys lost millions
of taxpayer dollars,
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and we have to clean up
the obscene mess you've made.
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You're not as nice
as the other guy.
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I don't care.
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When we were state auditors,
we had an amazing system.
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Yeah, Chris pumped everyone up and
made them feel positive and happy.
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And I swooped in and slashed
their budgets to ribbons.
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Like a majestic alley-oop.
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"You're all amazing!"
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"You're all fired."
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Teamwork.
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Hi, you've reached the
voicemail of Larry Gengurch.
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Please leave your
message after the tone.
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Well, when Leslie called
to see if I could help,
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Gayle and I were just getting on
a cruise ship to the Bahamas.
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I said, "Gayle, put that bikini
away, because Pawnee needs me."
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Somebody forgot
a banana in here.
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Hi, I'm Donna.
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Oh, that is the perfect name for you.
I love it. Never change it!
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Wasn't gonna.
You're Craig, right?
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Yes, but I hate that name.
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It's so boring.
I sound like someone's cousin.
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Craig! Craig!
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I want to be a Spanish man named
Terrence, but that didn't happen.
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Okay.
So here's my list of duties.
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I'm basically
the office manager.
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How about you? Oh, I did everything.
Everything!
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I carried the Eagleton
department on my shoulders
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for years, and I
loved every second of it.
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You don't even know!
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I'm sorry,
was your name Jennifer?
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No, it's Tynnyfer with two y's.
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00:04:16,522 --> 00:04:19,548
I used to be Jennifer, but then
I decided to rebrand myself.
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Wait, hang on.
It's Xanax o'clock.
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Well, nice to meet you.
My name's April,
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00:04:32,338 --> 00:04:35,796
and I just wanted to say
that your dress is so cute
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it's bonks.
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I saw my spinning
instructor wearing it,
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and I was like, "Shut up.
Where do I get that?"
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Oh, my God. Who's your
spinning instructor?
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Gregory or Wynona?
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I go to Yonis.
Who are Gregory and Wynona?
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I've never heard of them before.
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Are they better?
Wynona rocks my world.
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Seriously,
you need to get me in there.
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Like, that's a must, must, must.
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She's the worst
person I've ever met.
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I want to travel
the world with her.
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Ron.
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Ron.
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Last name?
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Dunn.
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Is that your name,
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or are you telling me
you're finished talking?
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Both.
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Dunn and done.
(CHUCKLING)
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(CHUCKLING)
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I like Ron.
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Hi.
Well, well, well.
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You must be Eric.
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I'm Ragiv from IT.
This is ERIC.
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ERIC is a computer program?
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Stands for Eagleton Reservation
Information Center.
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It does all
the scheduling in Eagleton.
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I'm here to install it.
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But scheduling's
the main part of my job.
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You still have a human being in
charge of booking tennis courts?
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What is this, 1990?
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I guess that explains the shoulder pads.
(LAUGHING SCORNFULLY)
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How did he notice these?
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Hey, this is a surprise.
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Yeah, I just wanted
to chat for a sec.
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You know, just so you could
hear some things from me.
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Verbal things from my mouth.
Did that sound weird?
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Is everything okay?
Yeah, everything's fine.
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First of all, this is Evelyn.
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Oh, hello.
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She is my Health Department
counterpart from Eagleton.
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There really wasn't a ton
of work for me there.
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Eagletonians are very healthy.
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Oh, well, this might be a very
interesting challenge for you,
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because Pawnee has the very
first documented case
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of mega-diabetes.
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And the only known occurrence
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of Lou Gehrig's other disease.
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We've been written
about in textbooks.
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Thanks, Evelyn, I'll see
you back in my office.
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I just need to talk some more
words into Leslie's face.
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Nice to meet you.
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(CLEARING THROAT)
Wow. I feel sorry for her.
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I mean, nobody can
fill your shoes, Ann.
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With your tiny little doll feet.
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Actually, that's what
I wanted to talk to you about.
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I'm gonna step down,
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and I'm gonna turn
my job over to Evelyn.
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What? No.
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Did somebody put you up to this?
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Was it Evelyn?
I knew she was a monster.
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No. No, no, no.
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Chris and I have been talking,
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and we are thinking very
seriously about leaving Pawnee
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and moving somewhere else
to start our family...
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Oh, my God, look at that.
It's waffles!
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Delicious waffles.
Wait.
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Should we try?
Yeah, let's try.
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Huh?
Mmm.
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Wait, what were you saying?
Try.
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Just enjoy. Yeah.
There we go.
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So, if I'm hearing
you correctly,
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you're telling me you're not
thinking about leaving Pawnee.
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I am thinking about leaving.
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Is this one of those
classic Ann "not" jokes?
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Like, "I'm leaving Pawnee...
Not!"
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I don't do that. I was
hoping that you had started.
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It's not definite. It's just
neither of us are from Pawnee.
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And I have a whole
family in Michigan.
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And Chris is missing
life in a bigger city.
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(GRUMBLING)
And I just wanted
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to talk to you about it
so you could hear it from me.
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(CONTINUES GRUMBLING)
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Do you hear that galloping?
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Hmm?
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Oh, my, look at that!
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Joe Biden on a horse shirtless.
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That's amazing!
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Uh. I've got a ton of work to do.
I'm super busy, so you
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can let yourself...
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LESLIE: Look, if Ann wants to
leave Pawnee, I get it.
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I mean, who wants to stay in
the greatest town in the world
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with her best friend
and be happy forever
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when she can abandon her
soul sister like an old shoe
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and move to a garbage
city full of jerks.
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I get it. No hard feelings.
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TYNNYFER: You have to text me.
APRIL: I will.
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Sorry for the delay, ladies,
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I was busy being
ambushed by treachery.
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So did you have a chance to compare
notes on your respective duties?
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Totally.
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Tynny and I have been,
like, totally bonding.
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We've just been like,
"Blah-blah-blah..."
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Like, talking,
like, so much forever.
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It was all so delicious.
I know, right?
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This is, like,
the best day ever.
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I know, I'm eating it all up.
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Wow. It's nice to see
a friendship blossoming
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instead of wilting away
like a dying turd flower.
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Totes. We also came up with
these nicknames for each other.
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Slut and Skank.
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How craze-mazing is that, Lez?
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00:08:57,703 --> 00:09:00,171
Well, you know what I think
is craze-mazing? Commitment.
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00:09:00,473 --> 00:09:03,033
I'm looking for someone who's
in it for the long haul.
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00:09:03,109 --> 00:09:05,577
We are basically creating
a new version of Pawnee,
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00:09:05,645 --> 00:09:07,579
and if Pawnee is gonna commit
to one of you,
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00:09:07,647 --> 00:09:09,012
you need to commit to Pawnee.
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00:09:09,081 --> 00:09:10,275
Tynnyfer, do you have kids?
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00:09:10,349 --> 00:09:11,338
Ew. No.
220
00:09:11,417 --> 00:09:14,011
I've had so much rejuvenation, I don't
think a baby could get out of there
221
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if it tried.
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APRIL: You know it.
223
00:09:17,456 --> 00:09:19,720
I guess we can make
a switch to Bermuda grass.
224
00:09:19,792 --> 00:09:21,521
It's only 80 cents
more per square foot?
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00:09:21,594 --> 00:09:23,653
What? Gimme, gimme, gimme.
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00:09:24,096 --> 00:09:26,929
You want me to put Bermuda
grass in a continental climate
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00:09:26,999 --> 00:09:28,762
that's a six on
the Beaufort scale
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00:09:28,834 --> 00:09:30,358
in a park with zero drainage?
229
00:09:30,436 --> 00:09:32,836
I want Kentucky bluegrass,
I want a 10% discount,
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00:09:32,905 --> 00:09:35,271
and I want you to apologize
to my best friend Donna!
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Yeah, hi. Is there...
And I'm just guessing here.
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00:09:41,581 --> 00:09:43,845
...some kind of
medication that you maybe
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need a lot of and have taken none
of or maybe too much of today?
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I have a medical condition all right.
It's called caring too much!
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And it's incurable!
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Also I have eczema.
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Okay, Eagleton Ron, tell me
a little about yourself.
238
00:10:01,267 --> 00:10:03,861
Well, I love the outdoors,
love nature.
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00:10:03,970 --> 00:10:04,994
Amen.
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00:10:05,071 --> 00:10:07,471
I'm a big believer
in environmental conservation.
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00:10:07,540 --> 00:10:09,974
Recycling and
composting and the like.
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00:10:10,276 --> 00:10:13,768
I'm a yoga nut.
And I'm a nut nut.
243
00:10:14,847 --> 00:10:16,371
They make delicious milks, man.
244
00:10:16,816 --> 00:10:18,044
And I'm a vegan, of course.
245
00:10:18,117 --> 00:10:20,483
Slowly working
towards full freegan-vegan.
246
00:10:20,553 --> 00:10:22,919
What in God's name
is freegan-vegan?
247
00:10:22,989 --> 00:10:24,479
You only eat vegetables
248
00:10:24,557 --> 00:10:25,990
that have been thrown out
in people's dumpsters.
249
00:10:26,792 --> 00:10:28,885
What is on your foot, sir?
250
00:10:28,961 --> 00:10:30,451
DUNN: My trusty sandals.
251
00:10:30,529 --> 00:10:33,430
I believe a man's feet
should remain uncaged.
252
00:10:34,166 --> 00:10:35,793
Same goes for all chickens.
253
00:10:35,868 --> 00:10:37,768
LESLIE: Well,
Eagleton Ron,
254
00:10:37,837 --> 00:10:41,671
we here in Pawnee value
loyalty above all else.
255
00:10:41,741 --> 00:10:44,039
So would you be
opposed to signing
256
00:10:44,176 --> 00:10:46,474
an official loyalty
pledge to our new town?
257
00:10:47,113 --> 00:10:49,673
As long as that new town
were open to the ideals
258
00:10:49,782 --> 00:10:53,582
of communal living, everyone
pitches in towards a common good.
259
00:10:53,819 --> 00:10:55,787
In the immortal
words of Cat Stevens,
260
00:10:55,855 --> 00:10:58,619
"If you want to
be free, be free."
261
00:10:59,759 --> 00:11:01,727
I no longer like Ron.
262
00:11:02,395 --> 00:11:03,862
ERIC is an amazing program.
263
00:11:03,929 --> 00:11:06,056
Fast, fun and easy to use.
264
00:11:06,132 --> 00:11:08,692
But there's one
thing no man or machine
265
00:11:08,768 --> 00:11:10,565
can beat Tom Haverford at...
266
00:11:10,636 --> 00:11:12,968
Talking mad trash
till I get what I want.
267
00:11:13,873 --> 00:11:15,704
This guy Eric is a disaster.
268
00:11:15,775 --> 00:11:17,504
What do you mean?
Just a bad attitude.
269
00:11:17,576 --> 00:11:19,441
"Oh, I hate this place.
Get me outta here."
270
00:11:19,512 --> 00:11:21,912
That kind of thing.
And unreliable.
271
00:11:21,981 --> 00:11:23,312
And racist.
272
00:11:23,482 --> 00:11:24,972
I think he may have
even been to jail.
273
00:11:25,251 --> 00:11:27,913
Although, you know, maybe those
are just regular face tattoos.
274
00:11:28,220 --> 00:11:30,381
Wow. That's not good.
275
00:11:30,456 --> 00:11:31,787
I should probably talk to him.
276
00:11:31,857 --> 00:11:33,222
Well, let me see if I
can turn him around.
277
00:11:33,359 --> 00:11:34,724
I don't want to put
this on your plate.
278
00:11:34,794 --> 00:11:35,886
You have a lot to deal with.
279
00:11:36,128 --> 00:11:38,289
Thanks, Tom. You're the best.
280
00:11:40,900 --> 00:11:42,959
Okay, let's take a look
at this list of assets
281
00:11:43,035 --> 00:11:44,366
owned by
the Eagleton government.
282
00:11:44,437 --> 00:11:46,564
400 Segway scooters.
283
00:11:46,772 --> 00:11:47,966
Sell 'em. They're gone.
284
00:11:48,040 --> 00:11:50,338
You had six full-time
baristas on the payroll.
285
00:11:50,409 --> 00:11:52,001
The baristas are gone.
286
00:11:52,445 --> 00:11:54,538
As are the masseurs.
287
00:11:54,613 --> 00:11:56,171
And the full-time barista
288
00:11:56,248 --> 00:11:58,580
who provided
coffee for the masseurs.
289
00:11:58,918 --> 00:12:01,614
It is excellent having the old
band back together again.
290
00:12:02,121 --> 00:12:03,145
You know what?
291
00:12:03,823 --> 00:12:05,723
This calls for some
celebratory lunges.
292
00:12:06,425 --> 00:12:09,258
One, two...
293
00:12:09,695 --> 00:12:11,822
All right, Donna. There's gonna
have to be some cutbacks.
294
00:12:11,897 --> 00:12:13,592
I mean, your job is secure,
of course.
295
00:12:13,666 --> 00:12:15,600
You're basically
the glue of this department.
296
00:12:15,668 --> 00:12:17,568
But I think
Craig's gonna have to go.
297
00:12:17,870 --> 00:12:19,497
No, you should keep him.
298
00:12:19,605 --> 00:12:21,903
He's crazy intense,
but I've never met anyone
299
00:12:21,974 --> 00:12:23,236
who cares more about this job.
300
00:12:23,909 --> 00:12:25,638
Donna, I'm right here.
301
00:12:25,711 --> 00:12:27,576
No joke.
He might care more than you.
302
00:12:27,646 --> 00:12:29,170
Honestly, if I had to choose
between him and me,
303
00:12:29,749 --> 00:12:31,148
I'd choose him.
Wait, what are you saying?
304
00:12:31,217 --> 00:12:32,241
Are you thinking about leaving?
305
00:12:32,318 --> 00:12:33,580
I wasn't planning
on it, but I could.
306
00:12:33,652 --> 00:12:36,678
You know, I got the condo in
Seattle, the fiancé in Denver.
307
00:12:36,789 --> 00:12:38,620
Huh?
It won't last.
308
00:12:38,691 --> 00:12:41,091
Leslie, I would be happy
to go back into retirement
309
00:12:41,160 --> 00:12:42,320
if you have to cut the staff.
310
00:12:42,394 --> 00:12:44,055
What? Even Larry wants out?
311
00:12:44,130 --> 00:12:45,290
What the hell is happening here?
312
00:12:45,364 --> 00:12:48,162
Does everybody think that running
a town is just some game
313
00:12:48,234 --> 00:12:50,498
where people can come
and go as they please?
314
00:12:50,569 --> 00:12:52,696
Okey-dokey, Leslie.
You're mad at me.
315
00:12:52,772 --> 00:12:54,137
Don't take it out
on everybody else.
316
00:12:54,206 --> 00:12:56,174
It's not fair.
I'll tell you what's not fair.
317
00:12:56,242 --> 00:12:59,575
I'm gonna have to watch the
Oscars with Ben alone this year.
318
00:12:59,645 --> 00:13:03,445
Last year, don't you remember Angelina
Jolie and the leg dress moment?
319
00:13:03,516 --> 00:13:06,679
He had,
and I quote, "No comment."
320
00:13:06,752 --> 00:13:09,118
How can you not have an extreme
reaction about a dress like that?
321
00:13:09,188 --> 00:13:10,280
It just doesn't make any sense!
322
00:13:10,356 --> 00:13:12,449
Okay, we need to talk.
I'm sorry, Ann.
323
00:13:12,525 --> 00:13:13,549
I can't understand you.
324
00:13:13,626 --> 00:13:16,288
You've developed some accent from
that new town you might move to!
325
00:13:17,530 --> 00:13:18,929
It seems like no one around here
326
00:13:19,064 --> 00:13:20,429
understands
the meaning of loyalty.
327
00:13:20,499 --> 00:13:22,626
I am the merger czar.
I make the rules.
328
00:13:22,701 --> 00:13:24,566
And I'm gonna teach people
the meaning of loyalty
329
00:13:24,637 --> 00:13:26,571
in a language they will
understand, complicated legalese.
330
00:13:28,307 --> 00:13:30,673
Knope, what are these contracts?
331
00:13:30,743 --> 00:13:32,540
It's just a little
something that I drew up
332
00:13:32,611 --> 00:13:34,101
for all the employees
of the new town.
333
00:13:34,180 --> 00:13:35,807
Basic boilerplate language,
334
00:13:35,881 --> 00:13:37,280
50-year commitment,
blah-blah-blah...
335
00:13:37,383 --> 00:13:39,180
I'm so sorry,
honey, but Tynny and I
336
00:13:39,251 --> 00:13:41,776
won't sign anything until we
speak with our life coach.
337
00:13:42,121 --> 00:13:44,612
When Eric saw this, he smashed
a bunch of computers.
338
00:13:44,757 --> 00:13:45,815
Why are you doing this?
339
00:13:45,958 --> 00:13:47,050
What's the big deal?
340
00:13:47,126 --> 00:13:50,584
I'm just trying to stop time with
legally-binding friendship contracts.
341
00:13:50,729 --> 00:13:52,094
What part of that do
you not understand?
342
00:13:52,364 --> 00:13:53,854
You have lost your mind.
343
00:13:55,367 --> 00:13:56,959
I think you need a spa day, Lez.
344
00:13:57,036 --> 00:13:59,231
Fine! You only have to
work here until I'm dead!
345
00:13:59,305 --> 00:14:00,670
Is that better?
346
00:14:03,742 --> 00:14:07,143
What in the name of all
that is holy is that smell?
347
00:14:07,546 --> 00:14:09,104
Yerba mate tea
348
00:14:09,748 --> 00:14:11,215
sweetened with stevia.
349
00:14:11,283 --> 00:14:13,080
It's an all-natural
plant extract.
350
00:14:13,352 --> 00:14:15,149
Shut your damn mouth.
351
00:14:15,588 --> 00:14:17,988
No need to curse.
There most certainly is.
352
00:14:18,057 --> 00:14:21,424
Okay, all Eagleton people meet
me in the conference room.
353
00:14:21,493 --> 00:14:24,291
All Pawnee people,
sit at your desks.
354
00:14:24,363 --> 00:14:25,625
And take it personally.
355
00:14:27,199 --> 00:14:28,860
I kind of feel like we
got off on the wrong foot,
356
00:14:29,101 --> 00:14:33,765
so I made unity cookies with the
Pawnee town's original colors
357
00:14:33,839 --> 00:14:34,863
of blue and yellow.
358
00:14:34,940 --> 00:14:37,431
However, I did not have yellow
frosting, so I had to use mustard.
359
00:14:37,776 --> 00:14:38,765
But do not worry.
360
00:14:38,844 --> 00:14:42,041
I put tons of sugar on them, so
it will even it out. (CHUCKLING)
361
00:14:42,414 --> 00:14:43,403
Mmm!
362
00:14:44,049 --> 00:14:45,380
Sugar mustard.
363
00:14:45,551 --> 00:14:47,109
That's awful
kind of you, Leslie,
364
00:14:47,386 --> 00:14:49,411
but I'm afraid those are
a little too sweet for me.
365
00:14:49,488 --> 00:14:52,514
I unhooked from that big sugar
train over 30 years ago.
366
00:14:52,958 --> 00:14:55,620
You are a man of principle
and I respect that, cool Ron.
367
00:14:55,828 --> 00:14:58,456
So, what's your story, new Ann?
You're kind of pretty.
368
00:14:58,564 --> 00:15:00,657
I mean, you're not Ann pretty,
but you have potential.
369
00:15:01,233 --> 00:15:03,030
Thank you, but I don't
work in this department.
370
00:15:03,102 --> 00:15:05,536
Shut your kind of pretty mouth
and eat a mustard cookie.
371
00:15:05,638 --> 00:15:08,129
Okay, so let's chit-chat.
372
00:15:08,207 --> 00:15:11,074
Let's get to know each other and
then become familiar best friends.
373
00:15:11,210 --> 00:15:12,336
I don't have time for this.
374
00:15:12,411 --> 00:15:14,003
I'm halfway through
designing a bamboo gazebo
375
00:15:14,079 --> 00:15:15,979
as a tribute to
the founders of Motown.
376
00:15:16,248 --> 00:15:17,476
That's so Craig.
377
00:15:17,983 --> 00:15:19,610
Oh, Craig!
We have fun, don't we?
378
00:15:19,685 --> 00:15:21,312
Do you guys remember
when this all started
379
00:15:21,453 --> 00:15:23,080
and I came in here
with the cookies,
380
00:15:23,155 --> 00:15:24,850
and then Craig said
something so Craig
381
00:15:24,924 --> 00:15:27,085
and we all laughed,
and we were like, "Craig!"
382
00:15:27,693 --> 00:15:30,184
Do you think it would be weird
if we held hands?
383
00:15:30,596 --> 00:15:32,063
Probably.
This way, please.
384
00:15:32,131 --> 00:15:34,531
Excuse me, Ron, I am talking
to my best friends.
385
00:15:34,600 --> 00:15:36,465
Let me go!
Best friends, attack Ron!
386
00:15:38,203 --> 00:15:40,467
Ben, it has been an honor
watching you work today.
387
00:15:40,539 --> 00:15:42,734
It's been like
watching Leonardo work.
388
00:15:42,808 --> 00:15:45,072
Da Vinci or DiCaprio.
You're that good.
389
00:15:45,144 --> 00:15:48,580
Thanks, man.
I was in the zone today.
390
00:15:49,214 --> 00:15:50,806
This really has
been a lot of fun.
391
00:15:50,883 --> 00:15:52,316
The old juice is back!
392
00:15:52,651 --> 00:15:53,913
Hey, should we keep this going?
393
00:15:53,986 --> 00:15:55,954
Celebratory dinner,
just like the old days?
394
00:15:56,021 --> 00:15:58,182
Ben, that's a great idea.
Hey, you know what?
395
00:15:58,257 --> 00:16:00,817
I know who I'm gonna use
to calculate tax and tip.
396
00:16:01,560 --> 00:16:02,549
Me?
397
00:16:04,163 --> 00:16:07,496
Can I just say something? I'm
having so much fun right now.
398
00:16:07,566 --> 00:16:10,000
Oh, my God, me too.
Like, so much fun.
399
00:16:10,135 --> 00:16:11,500
Can I just say something,
though?
400
00:16:11,570 --> 00:16:12,594
Yeah.
Okay.
401
00:16:12,671 --> 00:16:13,865
You don't want this job.
402
00:16:14,139 --> 00:16:16,403
Seriously,
this place is the pits.
403
00:16:16,475 --> 00:16:18,739
It's like, if you worked here,
you'd be like, "Ugh!"
404
00:16:18,811 --> 00:16:20,904
And Leslie would be like,
"Blah-blah-blah."
405
00:16:20,980 --> 00:16:22,242
And you'd be like, "Uh..."
406
00:16:22,348 --> 00:16:23,576
Okay, can I say something?
407
00:16:23,649 --> 00:16:25,742
Right now, I totally
think that you're right,
408
00:16:25,818 --> 00:16:28,116
and I had been thinking about
going someplace warm
409
00:16:28,187 --> 00:16:29,654
while my husband is in jail.
410
00:16:29,722 --> 00:16:32,122
Oh, my God!
Can I just say something?
411
00:16:32,191 --> 00:16:33,249
Yes!
Okay.
412
00:16:33,359 --> 00:16:35,327
You should totally stay
in my house in Miami.
413
00:16:35,394 --> 00:16:36,884
What?
I'm serious.
414
00:16:36,962 --> 00:16:39,954
Come by anytime.
Just let yourself in.
415
00:16:40,032 --> 00:16:43,331
The gate kind of jams sometimes,
but you can just jump it.
416
00:16:43,602 --> 00:16:45,502
You are so amazing right now.
417
00:16:45,571 --> 00:16:47,698
You're like
skinny Mother Teresa.
418
00:16:49,108 --> 00:16:51,076
It's Dwyane Wade's house.
419
00:16:51,143 --> 00:16:52,576
I got his address
off the Internet.
420
00:16:53,445 --> 00:16:54,969
I really hope he's
there when she walks in
421
00:16:55,114 --> 00:16:56,638
and he throws
a basketball at her head.
422
00:16:57,783 --> 00:16:59,512
Okay, enough is enough.
423
00:16:59,585 --> 00:17:00,677
What is wrong with you, woman?
424
00:17:00,786 --> 00:17:02,276
I don't need to
explain myself to you!
425
00:17:02,354 --> 00:17:04,845
I am the czar.
I can do as I please.
426
00:17:04,923 --> 00:17:07,517
Those who cross the czar
feel the wrath of the czar!
427
00:17:10,362 --> 00:17:12,990
Ann is thinking
about leaving Pawnee.
428
00:17:13,065 --> 00:17:14,930
Moving, with Chris.
429
00:17:15,300 --> 00:17:16,665
Well, that's nice.
430
00:17:16,735 --> 00:17:19,169
Nice, Ron?
Edible arrangements are nice.
431
00:17:19,238 --> 00:17:21,729
This is
volcanically hot betrayal!
432
00:17:21,807 --> 00:17:24,605
She is my best friend! She's thinking
about leaving, just like that!
433
00:17:24,676 --> 00:17:26,439
And she wants to
talk to me about it?
434
00:17:26,512 --> 00:17:28,503
It's like, I don't
even know what to say.
435
00:17:28,847 --> 00:17:31,680
That you love her and you
understand that it's her life,
436
00:17:31,750 --> 00:17:34,082
and geography will never
change your feelings.
437
00:17:34,153 --> 00:17:35,620
Whatever.
I don't even need her.
438
00:17:35,687 --> 00:17:37,450
I've got Tynnyfer now and Craig
439
00:17:37,523 --> 00:17:40,151
and Eric, the racist drug
dealer who I've yet to meet.
440
00:17:40,259 --> 00:17:41,521
Those are my real friends.
441
00:17:41,593 --> 00:17:44,619
You can't force friendship, Leslie.
It takes time.
442
00:17:45,931 --> 00:17:47,421
I once thought I had a friend.
443
00:17:47,933 --> 00:17:51,596
Then it turned out he was the single
worst person I have ever met.
444
00:17:51,670 --> 00:17:53,262
I agree with Ron, Leslie.
445
00:17:55,274 --> 00:17:57,504
It's like Moz once said.
446
00:17:57,810 --> 00:17:59,505
"Hold on to your friends."
447
00:18:00,512 --> 00:18:03,072
Morrissey. The Smiths.
448
00:18:03,148 --> 00:18:04,547
You don't know Meat Is Murder?
449
00:18:04,983 --> 00:18:06,416
It's one of
the best songs ever written
450
00:18:06,552 --> 00:18:07,985
about industrialized
beef consumption.
451
00:18:08,420 --> 00:18:11,287
Okay, Eagleton Ron. I think it
might be time for you to go.
452
00:18:11,457 --> 00:18:14,517
This Ron has the position
pretty much locked up,
453
00:18:14,593 --> 00:18:18,620
and I don't think we have any
room for you in our department.
454
00:18:18,697 --> 00:18:19,721
Fair enough.
455
00:18:19,798 --> 00:18:21,026
I should have seen it.
456
00:18:22,167 --> 00:18:25,000
Taurus and Capricorns
never mix, do they?
457
00:18:26,238 --> 00:18:31,369
Just remember, Ron. Giving in to
hate is like drinking saltwater.
458
00:18:32,144 --> 00:18:34,669
The thirst only grows worse.
459
00:18:35,080 --> 00:18:38,811
Leslie, remove this man before I
commit an act of violence against him.
460
00:18:39,284 --> 00:18:42,151
Whatever you do,
I won't fight back.
461
00:18:46,725 --> 00:18:49,888
After I defeated him in an
epic struggle, ERIC is gone.
462
00:18:49,962 --> 00:18:52,522
He's been replaced by T.O.M.,
463
00:18:52,598 --> 00:18:54,623
Townwide Organizational Matrix.
464
00:18:56,368 --> 00:18:57,892
Big plans tonight, Craig?
465
00:18:57,970 --> 00:18:59,767
No, I have a ton of work to do.
466
00:18:59,838 --> 00:19:03,035
Plus, my DVR is 13 months pregnant
with episodes of Scandal.
467
00:19:03,142 --> 00:19:04,632
Scandal's my favorite show.
468
00:19:05,010 --> 00:19:06,341
I love every character,
except for...
469
00:19:06,478 --> 00:19:07,775
BOTH: Mellie.
470
00:19:08,747 --> 00:19:10,578
Of course you like Scandal!
471
00:19:10,649 --> 00:19:13,311
Because you're amazing!
I love you.
472
00:19:13,552 --> 00:19:15,417
And no matter what
happens with this job,
473
00:19:15,487 --> 00:19:16,715
I will always love you.
474
00:19:17,189 --> 00:19:20,158
Excuse me! Who even are you?
475
00:19:21,460 --> 00:19:22,620
BEN: How's your salad?
476
00:19:22,694 --> 00:19:24,321
Well, it's called
the Good Earth Salad,
477
00:19:24,396 --> 00:19:29,527
but really, it's just cheese,
toffee, and gummy bear worms.
478
00:19:29,968 --> 00:19:31,265
This town is really unhealthy.
479
00:19:31,336 --> 00:19:34,965
You know, I forgot that this
part of being Accounting Bros
480
00:19:35,040 --> 00:19:36,371
was actually pretty depressing.
481
00:19:36,742 --> 00:19:39,768
I mean, after the intense,
almost meth-like high
482
00:19:39,845 --> 00:19:41,244
of solving accounting puzzles,
483
00:19:41,813 --> 00:19:44,247
we were always just beat
at the end of the day.
484
00:19:44,516 --> 00:19:46,416
I actually think
it's something else.
485
00:19:46,552 --> 00:19:48,452
Back in the day,
this was all we had.
486
00:19:48,520 --> 00:19:50,784
We'd go into a town,
we'd fix problems.
487
00:19:51,123 --> 00:19:53,114
We'd go back to
some rundown motel.
488
00:19:53,225 --> 00:19:55,716
Yeah, you'd exercise.
I'd re-watch Twin Peaks,
489
00:19:56,328 --> 00:19:57,818
then hit the Twin Peaks
message boards
490
00:19:57,896 --> 00:19:59,523
and read The Secret
Diary of Laura Palmer
491
00:19:59,665 --> 00:20:01,257
to find Easter eggs I'd missed.
492
00:20:01,333 --> 00:20:03,733
But now, Ann and Leslie
are our real partners.
493
00:20:03,802 --> 00:20:05,633
Yeah. It's a good thing.
494
00:20:06,338 --> 00:20:08,568
But you were a fine surrogate
before we found them.
495
00:20:10,275 --> 00:20:12,937
Just so you know,
we're thinking of moving.
496
00:20:13,378 --> 00:20:17,007
Don't know where yet. Maybe
Michigan, to be with Ann's family.
497
00:20:17,082 --> 00:20:19,812
Wow.
That makes me kind of sad.
498
00:20:20,319 --> 00:20:24,949
But also incredibly
happy for you and Ann.
499
00:20:25,524 --> 00:20:27,287
We have come a long way.
500
00:20:28,594 --> 00:20:31,495
Something healthy!
A cherry tomato.
501
00:20:31,563 --> 00:20:34,088
Nope. A gumball.
502
00:20:34,399 --> 00:20:35,388
Ew.
503
00:20:36,468 --> 00:20:39,335
What I really want
to say is I'm sorry.
504
00:20:40,339 --> 00:20:44,139
You're my best friend. This whole
thing is just scary and confusing.
505
00:20:44,209 --> 00:20:45,335
I love you.
506
00:20:45,410 --> 00:20:48,470
I want to talk about this, all
of this, whatever it means.
507
00:20:50,449 --> 00:20:51,575
Was that okay?
508
00:20:52,117 --> 00:20:55,712
I guess it's good. Again,
I barely know you or Ann,
509
00:20:55,787 --> 00:20:57,721
so I don't have
much to go off of.
510
00:20:57,789 --> 00:20:59,552
Well...
Hey, Leslie.
511
00:20:59,625 --> 00:21:02,287
Hey. You are excused,
fake Ann.
512
00:21:02,594 --> 00:21:04,459
That was six hours well spent.
I thank you.
513
00:21:05,497 --> 00:21:06,930
Looks like you've
made all your decisions.
514
00:21:06,999 --> 00:21:08,364
Well, almost.
515
00:21:08,867 --> 00:21:10,300
What were you
talking to Evelyn about?
516
00:21:10,369 --> 00:21:12,667
Nothing. It's not important.
517
00:21:12,971 --> 00:21:14,495
The only thing
that's important is you.
518
00:21:14,806 --> 00:21:16,239
I'm ready to talk about this.
519
00:21:16,308 --> 00:21:18,003
I want to talk about this.
520
00:21:18,644 --> 00:21:20,134
Is now a good time?
521
00:21:22,814 --> 00:21:24,714
Yes. Now is a great time.
522
00:21:27,500 --> 00:21:35,500
Ripped By mstoll