1
00:00:01,788 --> 00:00:04,408
Hey, I've gained a lot of ground in
the polls. That's good news.
2
00:00:04,427 --> 00:00:08,447
Yeah, I have you down only four points, but
they're running a ton of new negative ads.
3
00:00:08,462 --> 00:00:09,964
Maybe you should fight back.
4
00:00:09,983 --> 00:00:12,639
Ben, your heart's in the right place.
Your heart and your butt.
5
00:00:12,665 --> 00:00:14,465
I will not go negative.
6
00:00:14,496 --> 00:00:15,858
Crap on a turd!
7
00:00:15,902 --> 00:00:17,796
Care for a "Recall
Knope" gift bag?
8
00:00:17,832 --> 00:00:20,456
The committee to recall
Leslie Knope is relentless.
9
00:00:20,482 --> 00:00:22,815
Look what they're handing
out at elementary schools.
10
00:00:23,315 --> 00:00:27,220
I'm Leslie Knope. Tell
your parents to recall me.
11
00:00:33,777 --> 00:00:37,115
We all know that I cannot spend as
much money on ads as my opponent,
12
00:00:37,127 --> 00:00:42,835
but I printed out 10,000 "Don't" stickers
and 10,000 question mark stickers.
13
00:00:42,873 --> 00:00:46,465
That way, if you see a sign
and it says "Recall Knope,"
14
00:00:46,490 --> 00:00:49,971
all you need to do is add the question mark
and the "Don't," and suddenly, it reads,
15
00:00:50,020 --> 00:00:52,143
"Recall Knope?
Don't."
16
00:00:52,169 --> 00:00:54,911
Why don't you just put the "Don't"
in front of "Recall Knope"?
17
00:00:56,712 --> 00:00:57,873
Yep, that's a much better idea.
18
00:00:57,883 --> 00:00:59,239
Can I have these
question mark stickers?
19
00:00:59,258 --> 00:01:01,309
- Why?
- I want to put them on stop signs.
20
00:01:01,329 --> 00:01:02,445
April, no!
21
00:01:12,979 --> 00:01:22,979
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther
22
00:01:24,574 --> 00:01:28,045
Hi. Um, I need to talk to
somebody about reserving a park.
23
00:01:28,172 --> 00:01:29,510
Oh, we have a new policy.
24
00:01:29,528 --> 00:01:31,840
Parks can only be reserved
for witch covens
25
00:01:31,861 --> 00:01:33,620
or slip-and-slide
competitions.
26
00:01:33,661 --> 00:01:36,111
- Which one are you?
- Uh, slip-and-slide competition.
27
00:01:36,149 --> 00:01:37,737
- Seriously?
- No.
28
00:01:37,768 --> 00:01:39,697
Why would you even compete
in something like that?
29
00:01:39,728 --> 00:01:40,483
It doesn't matter.
30
00:01:40,500 --> 00:01:43,317
Um, I called earlier about
the free vaccinations thing.
31
00:01:43,380 --> 00:01:48,266
We're hoping to set up a mobile
hospital in one of your parks.
32
00:01:48,299 --> 00:01:50,219
I'm sorry, is there
something wrong with him?
33
00:01:51,615 --> 00:01:54,588
Tom, this witch wants to reserve
a park for her satanic ritual.
34
00:01:54,608 --> 00:01:56,242
Can you help her?
35
00:01:56,573 --> 00:01:57,923
Right. Smashing.
36
00:01:57,956 --> 00:02:02,022
Uh, yes, I'm Thomas Haverford. I
sort of run the whole department.
37
00:02:02,050 --> 00:02:03,667
Um, what was the name, then?
38
00:02:03,696 --> 00:02:06,505
Uh, Nadia Statsky. I'm from
Doctors Without Borders.
39
00:02:06,543 --> 00:02:09,392
Brilliant.
The old "D"s without "B"s.
40
00:02:09,411 --> 00:02:11,933
Uh, we can definitely help.
41
00:02:11,959 --> 00:02:13,454
Yeah, Tom's your guy.
42
00:02:13,483 --> 00:02:17,248
He actually used to run the Parks
Department in his home country of Russia.
43
00:02:18,384 --> 00:02:20,650
This one is mental.
44
00:02:20,675 --> 00:02:22,637
She's joking, obviously.
45
00:02:22,660 --> 00:02:26,051
How could I be from Russia? Not
with this spot-on British accent.
46
00:02:26,077 --> 00:02:28,215
We can definitely
get you sorted.
47
00:02:28,246 --> 00:02:29,883
Right this way.
48
00:02:29,909 --> 00:02:30,876
Okay.
49
00:02:33,413 --> 00:02:36,459
Whoa. I am pretty sure you
shouldn't have a weapon at work.
50
00:02:36,484 --> 00:02:38,913
Literally everything
is a weapon, son.
51
00:02:38,932 --> 00:02:42,778
That folder, in my hands, is far
deadlier than this bow in yours.
52
00:02:42,791 --> 00:02:45,117
Oh, that's...
probably true.
53
00:02:45,144 --> 00:02:47,010
So, Leslie and I just
finished putting together
54
00:02:47,023 --> 00:02:49,417
our will, and she wants you
to be the witness.
55
00:02:49,442 --> 00:02:51,680
- You mind signing it?
- That's your will?
56
00:02:51,730 --> 00:02:54,479
You need that many pages to say,
"Give my stuff to my wife"?
57
00:02:54,500 --> 00:02:57,736
- It's a complicated legal document.
- It doesn't have to be.
58
00:02:57,761 --> 00:03:01,073
I've had the same will since
I was eight years old.
59
00:03:03,426 --> 00:03:07,401
"Upon my death, all of my belongings
shall transfer to the man or animal
60
00:03:07,425 --> 00:03:08,977
who has killed me."
61
00:03:09,048 --> 00:03:11,017
What are these weird symbols?
62
00:03:11,103 --> 00:03:13,372
The man who kills me will know.
63
00:03:13,538 --> 00:03:17,717
Okay, you should really have a will
that's more than one sentence long.
64
00:03:17,744 --> 00:03:19,193
You have a wife and kids now.
65
00:03:19,218 --> 00:03:20,977
I could introduce you
to our lawyer.
66
00:03:21,002 --> 00:03:24,171
The three most useless jobs
in the world are, in order,
67
00:03:24,195 --> 00:03:26,501
lawyer, congressman, and doctor.
68
00:03:26,609 --> 00:03:28,751
- Pass.
- Ron, that document is nothing.
69
00:03:28,772 --> 00:03:30,316
It's not even notarized.
70
00:03:30,329 --> 00:03:32,649
You know, if you die and you
don't have a real will,
71
00:03:32,670 --> 00:03:35,470
most of what you own
will go to the government.
72
00:03:36,064 --> 00:03:38,314
Where is this lawyer
you speak of?
73
00:03:38,728 --> 00:03:41,849
I'm pleased to formally
submit Bill 68-J,
74
00:03:41,877 --> 00:03:44,777
which funds a new bike
path in Ramsett Park.
75
00:03:44,801 --> 00:03:47,251
- Motion to table this bill.
- Second.
76
00:03:47,282 --> 00:03:49,738
- I also submit Bill 68-R.
- Motion to table.
77
00:03:49,768 --> 00:03:50,602
Second.
78
00:03:50,626 --> 00:03:52,532
You guys want to delay
all my bills? Fine.
79
00:03:52,563 --> 00:03:54,709
I'm just gonna keep my head down
and continue to get work done.
80
00:03:54,724 --> 00:03:58,366
All right, well, uh, motion to end this
session early so nothing can get done.
81
00:03:58,404 --> 00:04:00,694
- Second.
- Gahhh, you guys are the worst!
82
00:04:00,733 --> 00:04:02,900
Sorry, Knope. We're just
looking for any possible way
83
00:04:02,916 --> 00:04:05,293
to get you recalled because
we don't like you.
84
00:04:05,305 --> 00:04:07,313
- It's nothing personal.
- It absolutely is personal.
85
00:04:07,333 --> 00:04:08,884
That is the definition
of "personal."
86
00:04:08,909 --> 00:04:11,046
"The definition of personal."
87
00:04:13,254 --> 00:04:15,623
Excuse me, we have an issue.
88
00:04:15,647 --> 00:04:18,578
A tweet has been tweeted from
the Parks and Rec Twitter,
89
00:04:18,596 --> 00:04:20,550
and I'm afraid it is
quite sexually graphic.
90
00:04:21,266 --> 00:04:24,137
It's probably just some bored
teenager who hacked the account.
91
00:04:24,167 --> 00:04:27,292
Whoever it is, it's quite serious.
Take a look at this.
92
00:04:27,906 --> 00:04:29,410
I don't want you to get
recalled Knope,
93
00:04:29,436 --> 00:04:31,455
but damn, these people know how
to pick a neck massager.
94
00:04:31,473 --> 00:04:34,289
And before you get on my case about
those stickers, I already did 'em.
95
00:04:34,344 --> 00:04:36,486
Donna, there is
trouble a-brewin'.
96
00:04:36,515 --> 00:04:38,616
We think that you
may have accidentally
97
00:04:38,645 --> 00:04:42,177
tweeted from the Parks and Rec account
rather than your own personal account.
98
00:04:42,204 --> 00:04:44,061
Uh-oh.
What'd it say?
99
00:04:44,091 --> 00:04:48,223
"See you tonight. Hope you like tongue
baths, you big, nasty fireman."
100
00:04:48,252 --> 00:04:51,882
Then there's a picture of a pair of
lips and then a picture of an eggplant.
101
00:04:51,950 --> 00:04:55,362
I'm both confused, and if we're being
totally honest, a little aroused.
102
00:04:55,375 --> 00:04:55,962
Ew.
103
00:04:55,990 --> 00:04:58,198
Not to give you too much of
a peek into my personal life,
104
00:04:58,230 --> 00:04:59,861
but this could have
been way worse.
105
00:04:59,877 --> 00:05:03,150
What's important is, we deleted the
tweet, and nobody is gonna know it's you,
106
00:05:03,174 --> 00:05:05,280
but Donna, you know, be
more careful in the future.
107
00:05:05,297 --> 00:05:07,372
This almost blew up in my face.
108
00:05:10,630 --> 00:05:12,570
I'm here live,
at a press conference,
109
00:05:12,583 --> 00:05:16,283
where Councilman Jeremy Jamm will
discuss a government scandal
110
00:05:16,326 --> 00:05:21,158
we are calling "Twitter Watergate" until
we can find a snappier name for it.
111
00:05:21,308 --> 00:05:23,696
Tongue baths?
Eggplants?
112
00:05:23,782 --> 00:05:25,201
Firemen?
113
00:05:25,243 --> 00:05:27,978
Those men are heroes
who deserve respect!
114
00:05:28,025 --> 00:05:29,779
9/11!
115
00:05:29,856 --> 00:05:32,363
This is how Leslie Knope
runs her Parks Department?
116
00:05:32,392 --> 00:05:36,355
We are going to hold hearing after
hearing, until we are satisfied.
117
00:05:36,382 --> 00:05:39,255
This will be blown way
out of proportion!
118
00:05:39,287 --> 00:05:40,931
You have my word on it!
119
00:05:41,038 --> 00:05:42,188
Ugh.
120
00:05:42,287 --> 00:05:44,144
Ooh, this is bad.
I'm gonna get fired.
121
00:05:44,164 --> 00:05:45,848
No one is getting fired, okay?
122
00:05:45,854 --> 00:05:48,775
Jamm is trying to use this
to hurt me in the recall.
123
00:05:48,801 --> 00:05:49,936
He's trying to take me down,
124
00:05:49,961 --> 00:05:52,556
and he's willing to attack
my friends in the process?
125
00:05:52,575 --> 00:05:54,561
- No. No way. Not on my watch.
- Not on her watch.
126
00:05:54,575 --> 00:05:56,959
- He is not gonna Sully your name.
- No sullying allowed!
127
00:05:56,989 --> 00:05:59,095
Don't worry about it, Donna.
We're gonna nip this in the bud.
128
00:05:59,115 --> 00:06:00,746
Guard your buds, 'cause
they're about to get nipped!
129
00:06:00,769 --> 00:06:02,303
- Okay.
- Okay.
130
00:06:03,801 --> 00:06:08,206
So, why does Doctors Without
Borders want to come to Pawnee?
131
00:06:08,240 --> 00:06:10,835
Pawnee is like a petri
dish of weird diseases.
132
00:06:10,854 --> 00:06:13,039
Did you know you have a higher
rate of the West Nile virus
133
00:06:13,073 --> 00:06:14,367
than the actual Western Nile?
134
00:06:14,395 --> 00:06:17,808
Sorry, West Nile, looks
like Pawnee wins again.
135
00:06:18,240 --> 00:06:20,843
What else have you beaten
the Western Nile in?
136
00:06:21,653 --> 00:06:23,446
Cricket.
Uh...
137
00:06:23,463 --> 00:06:30,077
just fill out these forms, and we will be
all set like two biscuits inside a tin.
138
00:06:32,746 --> 00:06:35,698
So, you've gone insane.
That's fun.
139
00:06:35,723 --> 00:06:37,657
I just panicked. She's
so out of my league,
140
00:06:37,683 --> 00:06:40,296
my brain just made me talk
that way so I'd seem cooler.
141
00:06:40,308 --> 00:06:42,583
- What should I do?
- Nothing! This is amazing.
142
00:06:42,593 --> 00:06:45,033
- April.
- Fine.
143
00:06:45,048 --> 00:06:47,604
If you want to have a chance with
her, obviously, you have to stop.
144
00:06:47,639 --> 00:06:50,727
It's either that, or you talk like
that for the rest of your life.
145
00:06:50,889 --> 00:06:53,108
You think she'd marry me?
146
00:06:53,828 --> 00:06:55,879
All right, just let me
do the talking here, okay?
147
00:06:55,901 --> 00:06:59,099
I mean, he's a lawyer, I'm an accountant.
We speak the same language.
148
00:06:59,140 --> 00:07:02,309
I mean, obviously, accountants
are a little more bad boy,
149
00:07:02,337 --> 00:07:04,773
but, uh,
there's a respect there.
150
00:07:04,804 --> 00:07:07,286
- When will this be over?
- Hey, Trevor.
151
00:07:07,326 --> 00:07:09,207
I've been talking to Ron
about estate planning,
152
00:07:09,222 --> 00:07:14,089
and he is here to do
some "Good Will Hunting."
153
00:07:14,577 --> 00:07:16,592
Because he has to draw
up a new will, so--
154
00:07:16,610 --> 00:07:18,382
Yes, I understood,
Mr. Wyatt. Thank you.
155
00:07:18,401 --> 00:07:20,118
As I've said before, I
just don't like puns.
156
00:07:20,137 --> 00:07:23,056
Oh, well, my accountant
friends seem to enjoy 'em.
157
00:07:23,248 --> 00:07:25,770
Mr. Swanson, let's begin
by filling out this form,
158
00:07:25,784 --> 00:07:27,514
listing your assets
and liabilities.
159
00:07:27,550 --> 00:07:28,744
Nice try.
160
00:07:28,918 --> 00:07:31,146
I'm not telling you
how much money I have,
161
00:07:31,176 --> 00:07:33,590
where it's hidden,
or which precious metals
162
00:07:33,614 --> 00:07:36,945
and/or gemstones it may or
may not take the form of.
163
00:07:36,966 --> 00:07:39,410
If you don't give me the information
I need, there's nothing I can do.
164
00:07:39,429 --> 00:07:43,398
Oh, come on, Trevor. Where
there's a "Will," there's a way.
165
00:07:44,701 --> 00:07:46,326
I'm gonna say this
one last time, Wyatt.
166
00:07:46,359 --> 00:07:47,797
Check the accountant
crap at the door.
167
00:07:47,819 --> 00:07:49,586
Yes, sir, I will.
168
00:07:49,756 --> 00:07:51,257
Unintentional.
169
00:07:51,941 --> 00:07:55,293
All right, let's begin. These
hearings have two goals.
170
00:07:55,488 --> 00:07:59,930
One, to find out exactly how this
offensive tweet came to be sent.
171
00:07:59,966 --> 00:08:02,941
And two, to turn this whole
thing into a media circus.
172
00:08:03,204 --> 00:08:04,604
Ms. Knope, do you have
a statement?
173
00:08:04,645 --> 00:08:09,715
Well, it's actually quite simple. Uh, a
Parks and Rec employee forgot to log out
174
00:08:09,733 --> 00:08:11,814
of the Parks and Rec
Twitter account,
175
00:08:11,862 --> 00:08:15,385
they posted a personal, of the Parks
and Rec private message by accident,
176
00:08:15,403 --> 00:08:18,210
and, uh, that person is very
sorry, and it won't happen again.
177
00:08:18,233 --> 00:08:21,453
Stop stonewalling and tell
us what happened here!
178
00:08:21,497 --> 00:08:23,278
I just told you what happened.
179
00:08:23,303 --> 00:08:25,297
It was an unfortunate mistake.
180
00:08:25,319 --> 00:08:27,738
Alright, sadly, due to
your "intracksidence"--
181
00:08:27,765 --> 00:08:30,242
- Not a word.
- We may never find out what happened.
182
00:08:30,623 --> 00:08:33,612
When this sick, depraved
tweet first came to light,
183
00:08:33,648 --> 00:08:39,143
you said, "The account was probably
hacked by some bored teenager."
184
00:08:39,167 --> 00:08:42,149
Now you're saying it's
an unfortunate mistake.
185
00:08:42,254 --> 00:08:43,651
Why do you keep
flip-flopping?
186
00:08:43,681 --> 00:08:46,173
Well, because I learned
new information.
187
00:08:46,185 --> 00:08:50,105
When I was four, I thought that
chocolate milk came from brown cows,
188
00:08:50,130 --> 00:08:53,032
and then I flip-flopped
when I found out
189
00:08:53,044 --> 00:08:55,441
that there was something
called chocolate syrup.
190
00:08:55,473 --> 00:08:57,198
I don't think I'm out
of line when I say
191
00:08:57,211 --> 00:09:00,661
that this scandal makes
Benghazi look like whitewater!
192
00:09:00,854 --> 00:09:02,330
It's utterly meaningless.
193
00:09:02,348 --> 00:09:06,217
I think we need to hear from the
unnamed employee behind the tweet.
194
00:09:06,250 --> 00:09:08,723
- Perhaps he or she--
- Or them.
195
00:09:08,742 --> 00:09:10,989
It could be a bunch
of hot ladies.
196
00:09:11,240 --> 00:09:15,533
Yes, perhaps "them" can finally
give us the answers we need.
197
00:09:16,592 --> 00:09:18,833
What, what, what?
There she is.
198
00:09:19,350 --> 00:09:22,256
Nadia, I didn't know what you wanted,
so I got you a cappuccino, a latte,
199
00:09:22,278 --> 00:09:26,236
four bags of coffee beans,
and a mini espresso machine.
200
00:09:26,280 --> 00:09:28,381
What happened to your accent?
201
00:09:29,366 --> 00:09:32,316
Oh, yeah.
It's gone. Huh.
202
00:09:32,400 --> 00:09:34,880
You know, I had a cold
recently.
203
00:09:34,906 --> 00:09:39,325
I think that may have affected my
voice, like, in certain British ways.
204
00:09:39,355 --> 00:09:42,839
Well, that's all there is to that story,
so no need for any more questions.
205
00:09:42,866 --> 00:09:45,953
You have a cold? Can
I feel your glands?
206
00:09:46,142 --> 00:09:47,523
Sure.
207
00:09:47,696 --> 00:09:50,642
Wow, you are wearing a lot of
moisturizer on your throat.
208
00:09:50,668 --> 00:09:52,968
Best way to prevent crow's neck.
209
00:09:53,016 --> 00:09:54,335
Is this glitter?
210
00:09:54,357 --> 00:09:57,363
So, those are the forms.
You filled 'em out. Great.
211
00:09:57,401 --> 00:09:59,285
April's gonna file these.
212
00:09:59,395 --> 00:10:02,402
Hey, when is the thing
you're doing in the park?
213
00:10:02,440 --> 00:10:05,668
I'd love to come by and maybe
help administer vaccines?
214
00:10:05,696 --> 00:10:08,402
Oh. Are you a doctor, somehow?
215
00:10:08,865 --> 00:10:10,303
No.
216
00:10:10,870 --> 00:10:13,029
No follow-up to that?
Okay, great.
217
00:10:13,056 --> 00:10:15,208
Um, well, I'm not actually
gonna be attending the event,
218
00:10:15,230 --> 00:10:17,298
so if you could
just give me the permit,
219
00:10:17,321 --> 00:10:21,700
so that I can go home to Indianapolis
and never come back here?
220
00:10:22,422 --> 00:10:26,746
I am in love with Nadia
Whatever-her-last-name-is,
221
00:10:26,771 --> 00:10:27,934
and I'm gonna keep her here,
222
00:10:27,957 --> 00:10:29,961
using the most powerful
weapon I have--
223
00:10:30,310 --> 00:10:31,935
bureaucratic incompetence.
224
00:10:32,204 --> 00:10:36,732
Oh, no. You filled
out Form 3208.
225
00:10:36,754 --> 00:10:40,256
You were supposed to
fill out Form 3248.
226
00:10:40,290 --> 00:10:41,771
Oh, God.
227
00:10:41,803 --> 00:10:43,578
This is to lease a hangar
at the airport.
228
00:10:43,603 --> 00:10:46,113
I know. It's so crazy,
it almost sounds made up.
229
00:10:46,220 --> 00:10:50,545
Bureaucracy, right? What are
you gonna do? Huh. Weird.
230
00:10:50,583 --> 00:10:53,639
Someone left out a blender,
fresh fruits, and rum?
231
00:10:53,674 --> 00:10:55,653
I guess we gotta, like,
make Daiquiris now.
232
00:10:55,676 --> 00:10:57,955
I like to have music on
while I work, you know?
233
00:11:01,106 --> 00:11:03,074
What is this place?
234
00:11:05,528 --> 00:11:10,236
Ms. Meagle, let me first say that
I am a big fan of your writing.
235
00:11:10,598 --> 00:11:13,399
- Thank you.
- It's good stuff.
236
00:11:13,602 --> 00:11:15,502
Really good stuff.
237
00:11:15,516 --> 00:11:18,454
Okay, does anyone else here
see a double standard?
238
00:11:18,560 --> 00:11:20,400
Councilman Dexhart
is currently being sued
239
00:11:20,415 --> 00:11:22,660
by two different women
for sexual harassment,
240
00:11:22,691 --> 00:11:25,491
one of whom was the judge
in the first woman's trial.
241
00:11:25,515 --> 00:11:27,035
She was talking dirty to me.
242
00:11:27,058 --> 00:11:30,118
She was reading the emails that
you sent to the first woman.
243
00:11:30,136 --> 00:11:33,892
Look, I obviously never meant to
embarrass the parks department.
244
00:11:33,917 --> 00:11:36,258
My personal account
is set to "private."
245
00:11:36,346 --> 00:11:38,726
Yeah, I don't even know
what she writes on there!
246
00:11:38,745 --> 00:11:41,274
Well, you may not know what
she's writing, but we do.
247
00:11:41,306 --> 00:11:44,581
In a shocking twist to
an already juicy story,
248
00:11:44,595 --> 00:11:49,590
we have obtained access to Ms. Meagle's
account, via a third party.
249
00:11:50,553 --> 00:11:52,321
Same hairdresser.
250
00:11:52,518 --> 00:11:55,485
Damn it, Typhoon!
Why'd you do this?
251
00:11:55,518 --> 00:11:59,252
Maybe if you had bothered to come to
my Great Gatsby Brunch, you'd know.
252
00:12:00,633 --> 00:12:02,996
I don't even need an exact number.
Just ballpark it.
253
00:12:03,026 --> 00:12:04,295
That's all I need
to get started.
254
00:12:04,307 --> 00:12:07,201
Or, I'm sure the state government
would love to use your money
255
00:12:07,221 --> 00:12:10,141
to hire more bureaucrats,
maybe build a library.
256
00:12:10,163 --> 00:12:11,587
Fine,
257
00:12:11,949 --> 00:12:13,331
a ballpark figure.
258
00:12:13,367 --> 00:12:14,985
Thank you. God.
259
00:12:20,979 --> 00:12:22,446
Holy fuck.
260
00:12:22,606 --> 00:12:23,719
Is this a joke?
261
00:12:23,754 --> 00:12:26,142
Another word for
"jokes" is "lies."
262
00:12:26,187 --> 00:12:28,664
I do not lie. Therefore,
I do not joke.
263
00:12:28,687 --> 00:12:31,890
Mr. Swanson, an estate of this
size means that your children
264
00:12:31,906 --> 00:12:33,869
would never have to work
a day in their lives.
265
00:12:33,884 --> 00:12:35,584
This is going to take some time.
266
00:12:35,628 --> 00:12:37,668
Trusts need to be
drawn, tax shelters.
267
00:12:37,685 --> 00:12:38,818
That's enough.
268
00:12:38,920 --> 00:12:41,883
I do not need some
drawn-out legal expedition
269
00:12:41,897 --> 00:12:43,930
to tell me what I knew
when I was eight.
270
00:12:43,961 --> 00:12:45,130
Here's my original will.
271
00:12:45,155 --> 00:12:48,346
Do whatever lawyer nonsense you have to
to make it official, and I will sign it.
272
00:12:48,358 --> 00:12:49,702
Good day.
273
00:12:49,772 --> 00:12:52,191
Wait. What are all
these symbols?
274
00:12:53,460 --> 00:12:56,113
I was right not to be
threatened by you.
275
00:12:56,957 --> 00:13:01,746
Okay, I would like to enter into the
record a selection of Ms. Meagle's tweets.
276
00:13:01,771 --> 00:13:04,377
Uh-oh. Uh, can I request
a brief recess?
277
00:13:04,420 --> 00:13:06,490
It's okay, Donna. I'm not
gonna let them fire you.
278
00:13:06,515 --> 00:13:08,353
Yeah, it's not me
I'm worried about.
279
00:13:08,395 --> 00:13:09,833
Ms. Beavers, if you please.
280
00:13:09,880 --> 00:13:12,818
Yesterday, 9:02 A.M.
281
00:13:12,878 --> 00:13:17,653
"Annoying-ass Leslie has given
me another annoying-ass task.
282
00:13:17,675 --> 00:13:21,077
♪stickers, ♪bitchboss."
283
00:13:22,002 --> 00:13:23,758
September 25th.
284
00:13:23,921 --> 00:13:30,143
"Twitter poll: On a scale of 98 to
100, how annoying is Leslie Knope?
285
00:13:30,174 --> 00:13:33,226
"Cuz u know it ain't
less than 98.
286
00:13:33,281 --> 00:13:37,884
All my #trueblood fans
know what's up."
287
00:13:37,902 --> 00:13:42,625
Page after page of personal
attacks on Leslie Knope.
288
00:13:42,662 --> 00:13:45,409
Not only do you have no
control over your department,
289
00:13:45,422 --> 00:13:47,623
you don't even have the
respect of your employees.
290
00:13:47,643 --> 00:13:49,874
That's what you really think of me?
You think I'm annoying?
291
00:13:49,891 --> 00:13:52,517
Leslie, sometimes you're
kind of annoying.
292
00:13:52,537 --> 00:13:53,937
I mean, I thought
that was your thing.
293
00:13:53,962 --> 00:13:57,187
My thing? My thing is
not being annoying.
294
00:13:57,212 --> 00:14:02,050
My things are making friendship bracelets
and dancing like nobody's watching,
295
00:14:02,075 --> 00:14:04,189
thinking up really cool
nicknames for my friends.
296
00:14:04,227 --> 00:14:06,600
You of all people should
know that, El Diablo!
297
00:14:06,638 --> 00:14:10,052
Look, the only reason I'm even on
Twitter is to blow off steam about work
298
00:14:10,086 --> 00:14:12,880
and tweet nasty stuff to
dudes with washboard abs.
299
00:14:13,086 --> 00:14:17,212
You really think I hate you, after all
we've been through the last ten years?
300
00:14:17,261 --> 00:14:19,330
I honestly don't know anymore.
301
00:14:20,523 --> 00:14:23,214
Okay, I think we've done
a lot of good here today.
302
00:14:26,381 --> 00:14:28,344
Leslie, I am sorry, but
I could not postpone
303
00:14:28,371 --> 00:14:31,546
these pointless hearings that Jamm
is having. He is just determined.
304
00:14:31,567 --> 00:14:34,613
Well, thank you for trying.
I have a question for you.
305
00:14:34,642 --> 00:14:35,836
Do you think I'm annoying?
306
00:14:35,864 --> 00:14:37,131
- No.
- Are you lying?
307
00:14:37,154 --> 00:14:38,955
- No.
- Are you trying to protect my feelings?
308
00:14:38,987 --> 00:14:40,754
- No. - Do you think I'm
being annoying right now?
309
00:14:40,788 --> 00:14:43,092
- Yes.
- So you do think I'm annoying.
310
00:14:43,460 --> 00:14:46,393
I think that you ask a lot of
the people that you work with,
311
00:14:46,662 --> 00:14:49,768
and I think that people do what
you ask because they love you.
312
00:14:49,795 --> 00:14:55,201
But, I also think that driving people as
hard as you do can ruffle some feathers.
313
00:14:55,361 --> 00:14:57,078
I think a lot of things.
I like thinking.
314
00:14:57,104 --> 00:14:59,248
- And racquetball.
- Now who's annoying?
315
00:14:59,300 --> 00:15:02,179
I spent the last hour reading
some of Donna's old tweets,
316
00:15:02,198 --> 00:15:04,708
and it turns out there are some more
things that she said about you.
317
00:15:04,772 --> 00:15:06,386
"Message to the recall haters:
318
00:15:06,415 --> 00:15:12,102
"You can't keep Leslie Knope down. She's
too real for this ish. #bossbitch."
319
00:15:13,205 --> 00:15:16,603
"Leslie Knope is stepping up at these
hearings and taking a bullet for me.
320
00:15:16,647 --> 00:15:19,553
♪sisterfromanothermister,
♪bossbitch."
321
00:15:19,586 --> 00:15:23,765
It appears, whereas "bitch boss" is
clearly an indication of her frustration,
322
00:15:23,821 --> 00:15:26,827
"boss bitch" is a term of endearment.
Isn't language fun?
323
00:15:26,864 --> 00:15:28,802
It's like racquetball
for your mouth!
324
00:15:30,736 --> 00:15:32,436
Did you change your outfit?
325
00:15:32,767 --> 00:15:34,797
I changed five times, and
she hasn't noticed yet.
326
00:15:34,810 --> 00:15:36,691
I can only stall for so long.
What should I do?
327
00:15:36,703 --> 00:15:38,963
Um, I just finished
filling this one out.
328
00:15:38,989 --> 00:15:41,082
I didn't know what to put for
"Name of commercial airline,"
329
00:15:41,094 --> 00:15:44,316
because I do not operate a commercial
airline, so I just made one up.
330
00:15:44,346 --> 00:15:46,291
What did you name
your imaginary airline?
331
00:15:46,315 --> 00:15:47,441
"Jet Blue Ivy."
332
00:15:47,483 --> 00:15:51,102
I figure Jay-Z and Beyonce's kid
will own her own airline eventually.
333
00:15:51,900 --> 00:15:53,589
She's the one.
334
00:15:53,753 --> 00:15:56,451
So, can I have my
permit now? Finally?
335
00:15:56,487 --> 00:15:57,798
Uh,
336
00:15:58,060 --> 00:16:02,746
no, there was a mistake, and we
gave the park to someone else.
337
00:16:02,769 --> 00:16:06,797
- What? - Maybe I can drive you
around and we'll pick another one?
338
00:16:06,833 --> 00:16:08,247
Maybe I'll bring a picnic lunch.
339
00:16:08,287 --> 00:16:11,598
- Do you like tamales?
- You said that that park was ours.
340
00:16:11,634 --> 00:16:14,620
You said it a long time
ago, in a British accent.
341
00:16:14,652 --> 00:16:17,353
I probably shouldn't say this, as a doctor.
It's probably not cool.
342
00:16:17,380 --> 00:16:20,198
But I really hope you all
get West Nile virus.
343
00:16:20,811 --> 00:16:22,961
Nice meeting you, April.
344
00:16:23,020 --> 00:16:26,101
- Kind of. You're weird too.
- Thank you.
345
00:16:30,220 --> 00:16:31,518
We need to talk.
346
00:16:31,537 --> 00:16:33,499
That has never been true.
347
00:16:33,784 --> 00:16:35,391
I think I know
what's happening.
348
00:16:35,410 --> 00:16:39,476
Thinking about how to divide up
your possessions for when you die,
349
00:16:39,519 --> 00:16:42,675
it's tough, confronting
your own mortality, and
350
00:16:43,225 --> 00:16:45,599
I think it's got you
spinning a little bit.
351
00:16:45,728 --> 00:16:47,095
Am I right?
352
00:16:47,349 --> 00:16:48,650
Wow.
353
00:16:48,780 --> 00:16:50,480
I had not considered that.
354
00:16:50,551 --> 00:16:52,996
Yes, I think that maybe
you are on to something.
355
00:16:53,021 --> 00:16:57,584
Yeah. Just know that it's perfectly
healthy to be thinking about--
356
00:16:58,298 --> 00:17:00,725
- Oh, you're joking.
- Yes, son, I am.
357
00:17:00,818 --> 00:17:02,535
First joke ever.
358
00:17:02,877 --> 00:17:04,154
Don't care for it.
359
00:17:04,183 --> 00:17:05,866
Death does not scare me.
360
00:17:05,905 --> 00:17:08,711
What I am worried about
is spoiling my children.
361
00:17:08,950 --> 00:17:13,536
I don't want 'em to be the kind of people
who never work, live off their trust funds,
362
00:17:13,571 --> 00:17:15,538
who buy their wooden furniture.
363
00:17:15,567 --> 00:17:19,778
I will leave my children $50 apiece
for the cab home from my funeral
364
00:17:19,797 --> 00:17:21,775
and a steak dinner,
end of discussion.
365
00:17:21,815 --> 00:17:22,919
Okay.
366
00:17:22,980 --> 00:17:25,562
I mean, look, it doesn't matter how
much money you leave your kids.
367
00:17:25,592 --> 00:17:28,671
What matters is that you teach
them the right values.
368
00:17:28,739 --> 00:17:30,264
But, if something
horrible happens,
369
00:17:30,286 --> 00:17:32,942
and you want your kids to be
left alone with no safety net,
370
00:17:32,967 --> 00:17:36,084
just so they can learn some kind of
weird lesson, then, by all means,
371
00:17:36,328 --> 00:17:39,740
leave your fortune to the wild
boar who gores you to death.
372
00:17:41,282 --> 00:17:43,801
I'd never lose to a boar.
373
00:17:50,652 --> 00:17:53,472
I'm sorry if I can be
little annoying at times,
374
00:17:53,528 --> 00:17:57,699
but one person's annoying is another
person's inspiring and heroic,
375
00:17:57,717 --> 00:17:59,930
so, you know, who
are we to judge?
376
00:17:59,954 --> 00:18:03,137
And I'm sorry for
writing those things.
377
00:18:03,232 --> 00:18:05,049
Some of those things.
378
00:18:05,220 --> 00:18:09,883
I can't promise that I won't be
inspiring and heroic in the future.
379
00:18:10,093 --> 00:18:12,394
And I can't promise that I
won't complain about it.
380
00:18:12,868 --> 00:18:14,082
Deal.
381
00:18:14,502 --> 00:18:16,727
- I got you an apology present.
- Oh!
382
00:18:16,804 --> 00:18:19,421
It is all of your favorite
lipsticks and nail polishes,
383
00:18:19,433 --> 00:18:21,626
and I got the same ones too.
I printed out a schedule,
384
00:18:21,638 --> 00:18:23,123
so we can wear them
at the same time.
385
00:18:23,151 --> 00:18:25,708
Now, I would like you to open
each one in front of me,
386
00:18:25,726 --> 00:18:27,799
and tell me how you feel
about them individually.
387
00:18:27,873 --> 00:18:29,519
Let me take a picture.
388
00:18:29,624 --> 00:18:30,755
Are you tweeting this?
389
00:18:30,795 --> 00:18:31,749
Mm-hmm.
390
00:18:31,779 --> 00:18:34,427
What's the hashtag gonna be?
"Boss bitch" or "bitch boss"?
391
00:18:34,463 --> 00:18:36,030
Yeah, it's "psycho boss."
392
00:18:36,061 --> 00:18:38,208
Eh, I don't hate that.
393
00:18:39,509 --> 00:18:41,973
Benjamin, after thinking
about what you said,
394
00:18:42,002 --> 00:18:46,101
I've decided to leave each of
my children 5% of my fortune.
395
00:18:46,144 --> 00:18:48,362
Wow, 5 whole percent.
396
00:18:48,382 --> 00:18:50,301
So, I guess you are gonna
teach them a lesson.
397
00:18:50,327 --> 00:18:53,403
Oh, my God, that's 5%?
398
00:18:53,766 --> 00:18:55,681
That is a lot of money.
399
00:18:55,704 --> 00:18:57,160
Wait, is this a joke?
400
00:18:57,225 --> 00:18:58,592
It is not a joke.
401
00:18:58,620 --> 00:19:00,262
Not that an accountant
would know the difference.
402
00:19:00,282 --> 00:19:03,681
Also, if something should
happen to Diane and me,
403
00:19:03,788 --> 00:19:07,544
we decided that the kids should go to
the most important people in our lives.
404
00:19:07,808 --> 00:19:09,421
Ron, I'm--
405
00:19:09,634 --> 00:19:11,175
I'm incredibly flattered.
406
00:19:11,192 --> 00:19:13,603
Ralph Piatkowski and
his wife Helen.
407
00:19:13,648 --> 00:19:15,699
He's the Maitre D' at
Mulligan's Steakhouse,
408
00:19:15,719 --> 00:19:18,009
and he knows me
better than anyone.
409
00:19:18,135 --> 00:19:19,774
However, if they are not
able to do it,
410
00:19:19,801 --> 00:19:22,363
which seems likely,
as they're in their 90s,
411
00:19:22,607 --> 00:19:24,920
you and Leslie are
choice number two.
412
00:19:25,237 --> 00:19:26,363
I'm honored.
413
00:19:26,682 --> 00:19:30,581
Everyone, take your seats, so this
witch hunt may proceed as scheduled.
414
00:19:30,632 --> 00:19:32,918
Speaking of, uh,
where are the witches?
415
00:19:32,935 --> 00:19:34,093
They're right here!
416
00:19:34,122 --> 00:19:36,605
Well, we're not witches.
That's sexist and offensive.
417
00:19:36,622 --> 00:19:39,489
But we're right here, and we
are not gonna sit in this room
418
00:19:39,510 --> 00:19:41,311
and let you drag our names
through the mud
419
00:19:41,339 --> 00:19:43,409
just to score some
cheap political points.
420
00:19:43,428 --> 00:19:47,209
How dare you demean the value of
the political points I'm scoring?
421
00:19:47,246 --> 00:19:48,215
We have had enough.
422
00:19:48,229 --> 00:19:51,007
I am going back to work so I can
do some good for this town,
423
00:19:51,025 --> 00:19:53,156
and my friend Donna
is coming with me.
424
00:19:53,190 --> 00:19:54,941
Hmm.
I prefer "El Diablo."
425
00:19:54,960 --> 00:19:57,027
Uh, this is not over,
Ms. Knope!
426
00:19:57,333 --> 00:19:59,552
Donna, quit punishing me!
427
00:19:59,575 --> 00:20:01,443
- I miss you.
- Uh-uh!
428
00:20:01,489 --> 00:20:03,079
Bridge burned, Typhoon.
429
00:20:03,097 --> 00:20:06,099
Or should I say, "Norman"?
Uh-huh.
430
00:20:06,657 --> 00:20:08,613
Okay, I'm just gonna man up,
431
00:20:08,629 --> 00:20:11,373
tell her how I feel, and hope she
feels the same way about me,
432
00:20:11,402 --> 00:20:13,477
and that's that. If she doesn't,
no big deal. It's done.
433
00:20:13,518 --> 00:20:14,776
I'm an adult.
Let's do it.
434
00:20:14,801 --> 00:20:16,187
Great.
435
00:20:16,754 --> 00:20:19,539
Nope, I can't do it. New plan. Tell her
all the screw-ups were your fault.
436
00:20:19,562 --> 00:20:22,325
I'll tell her I had to cover for
you, because you are so dumb.
437
00:20:22,399 --> 00:20:24,169
Nadia! Good to see you!
438
00:20:24,205 --> 00:20:27,226
We're very sorry for everything
you went through today.
439
00:20:27,264 --> 00:20:29,623
I have reserved the park
for your event.
440
00:20:29,649 --> 00:20:33,948
Now, April has something
she'd like to admit.
441
00:20:34,186 --> 00:20:36,312
Tom wants me to tell you that all
the screw-ups were my fault,
442
00:20:36,328 --> 00:20:37,834
but really, he kept messing
up so that you would
443
00:20:37,851 --> 00:20:41,572
stay in Pawnee as long as possible
because he is super into you.
444
00:20:42,325 --> 00:20:44,338
Okay.
445
00:20:44,370 --> 00:20:45,646
Several questions.
446
00:20:45,675 --> 00:20:47,354
- Is any part of him British?
- No.
447
00:20:47,384 --> 00:20:49,634
So, that was just weird,
panicky dude behavior?
448
00:20:49,652 --> 00:20:50,709
- Yeah.
- Okay.
449
00:20:50,737 --> 00:20:54,086
I'm just trying to figure out if
acting that insane is, like, romantic,
450
00:20:54,124 --> 00:20:55,996
or totally scary.
451
00:20:56,271 --> 00:20:58,292
I'll go with romantic.
452
00:20:59,122 --> 00:21:01,687
He is kind of cute.
What's his deal?
453
00:21:01,737 --> 00:21:05,081
He's sweet, he's cool, and you're,
like, way out of his league,
454
00:21:05,093 --> 00:21:08,211
so there's literally no
risk for you at all here.
455
00:21:08,235 --> 00:21:09,218
Okay.
456
00:21:09,247 --> 00:21:12,586
Well, I am going to Rwanda in, like, two
weeks for my job, so, what the hell?
457
00:21:12,610 --> 00:21:13,259
Cool.
458
00:21:13,271 --> 00:21:15,122
So, you want to go out with me?
459
00:21:15,484 --> 00:21:18,656
- Yes, please.
- Okay. Bye.
460
00:21:19,864 --> 00:21:23,490
Okay, you owe me, like,
1,000 favors. See ya.
461
00:21:24,464 --> 00:21:34,464
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