1 00:00:02,593 --> 00:00:04,761 Hey, what took you so long? Come on in. 2 00:00:04,762 --> 00:00:07,246 Hey. No, no. Why are we having a secret meeting in an empty loft? 3 00:00:07,247 --> 00:00:09,265 Because I don't want Schmidt to find us. 4 00:00:09,300 --> 00:00:11,167 - It's creepy, right? - I know, right? 5 00:00:11,168 --> 00:00:13,715 - Yeah, it is. - This place gives me the willies, man. 6 00:00:13,716 --> 00:00:15,898 Do you know why they can't keep a tenant in here? 7 00:00:15,919 --> 00:00:18,420 - Why? - Because Mrs. Beverly died on the toilet. 8 00:00:18,421 --> 00:00:20,223 And to come here on Halloween...? 9 00:00:20,256 --> 00:00:22,471 - Seems risky. - What's risky? 10 00:00:22,472 --> 00:00:23,713 The ghost situation. 11 00:00:23,726 --> 00:00:26,037 I brought you guys in here to talk about Schmidt. 12 00:00:26,038 --> 00:00:27,762 I'm really worried about him. 13 00:00:27,763 --> 00:00:29,498 He hasn't been to work for three days. 14 00:00:29,532 --> 00:00:31,500 He just sits on the couch eating cold cuts 15 00:00:31,534 --> 00:00:33,859 and yelling at the news about how nothing matters. 16 00:00:33,860 --> 00:00:35,076 - It's a problem. - Right. 17 00:00:35,077 --> 00:00:36,465 Be honest, it's a real problem. 18 00:00:36,466 --> 00:00:38,114 He's just going through a whole thing, you know? 19 00:00:38,115 --> 00:00:40,249 The Cece-Elizabeth breakup has gotten to him. 20 00:00:40,250 --> 00:00:42,552 Right now he is completely unhinged. 21 00:00:43,032 --> 00:00:45,237 - Y'all feel that? - What is going on? 22 00:00:45,263 --> 00:00:47,453 Not saying there's a ghost, but I felt a weird breeze go through my body, 23 00:00:47,454 --> 00:00:49,322 - that's all I'm saying. - There's no ghost. 24 00:00:49,323 --> 00:00:51,490 Guys, I can't believe I'm saying this, but... 25 00:00:51,530 --> 00:00:53,431 I miss the old Schmidt. 26 00:00:53,432 --> 00:00:55,484 I want him to be happy again. 27 00:00:55,485 --> 00:00:58,057 He's crumbling before our very eyes. 28 00:00:58,061 --> 00:01:00,137 And I'm having a party tonight, 29 00:01:00,138 --> 00:01:02,206 and I just can't have him lying on the couch, 30 00:01:02,207 --> 00:01:04,509 wiping his tears with deli meat. 31 00:01:04,510 --> 00:01:07,250 - I'll talk to him, okay? - Thank you. 32 00:01:07,251 --> 00:01:10,919 People get weird with breakups. Trust me, I got this. 33 00:01:10,920 --> 00:01:13,269 - You got this. - That was Winston. 34 00:01:13,270 --> 00:01:15,171 - Was that you or was that in here, dude? - That was... 35 00:01:15,172 --> 00:01:16,632 Don't do that! 36 00:01:18,546 --> 00:01:21,414 Oh, come on, Obama. 37 00:01:21,449 --> 00:01:23,783 Tanks pull in, tanks pull out. 38 00:01:23,818 --> 00:01:27,354 Babies are born, old people die. 39 00:01:27,388 --> 00:01:30,690 And yet the world keeps spinning and spinning and spinning, 40 00:01:30,725 --> 00:01:32,425 and one day, it stops. 41 00:01:32,460 --> 00:01:34,094 And then what? 42 00:01:34,128 --> 00:01:37,230 You want... you want to talk about... health care? 43 00:01:39,881 --> 00:01:41,114 That's mayo, buddy. 44 00:01:43,771 --> 00:01:45,739 Yeah, I don't got this. 45 00:01:48,176 --> 00:01:50,377 ♪ Who's that girl? 46 00:01:50,411 --> 00:01:52,779 ♪ Who's that girl? ♪ ♪ It's Jess. 47 00:01:52,804 --> 00:01:55,589 Season 3, Episode 6 "Keaton" 48 00:01:55,614 --> 00:01:58,614 Sync & corrections: Reef www.addic7ed.com 49 00:01:58,753 --> 00:02:00,921 - ♪ Pumpkining... - You're really good at that. 50 00:02:00,955 --> 00:02:03,590 Thanks, man. Yeah. What are you carving there? 51 00:02:03,624 --> 00:02:05,625 - It's a pumpkin. - Oh, look at that. That's beautiful. 52 00:02:05,660 --> 00:02:08,094 - My pumpkin! - Pumpkin doesn't matter. 53 00:02:08,129 --> 00:02:11,131 Hey. I just wanted to talk to you, um... 54 00:02:11,165 --> 00:02:14,968 - About my party tonight. - You don't want me to come to the party? 55 00:02:15,002 --> 00:02:17,354 No, no, no, no, no, no. 56 00:02:17,355 --> 00:02:19,412 Jess, do you not want me to come to your party? 57 00:02:19,424 --> 00:02:21,142 - No. I... No. - Doesn't matter. 58 00:02:21,168 --> 00:02:24,511 I wouldn't go if I weren't throwing it, you know? 59 00:02:24,512 --> 00:02:26,580 It's, like, more of a business-networking... 60 00:02:26,581 --> 00:02:28,882 It's not a big deal at all. I just won't come. 61 00:02:28,916 --> 00:02:31,429 I'll stay at home, and... I'll just hang out in my costume. 62 00:02:31,430 --> 00:02:33,476 Oh, wait a minute. 63 00:02:33,521 --> 00:02:35,855 Your home is my home. 64 00:02:40,330 --> 00:02:41,928 See you at the party. 65 00:02:41,963 --> 00:02:44,497 - What the hell? - He's a total maniac. 66 00:02:44,532 --> 00:02:47,500 Well, you know what, Jess? He doesn't get like this often. 67 00:02:47,535 --> 00:02:51,671 But when he does, oh, there is an option. 68 00:02:51,706 --> 00:02:54,207 Nick, I think it's time for Schmidt 69 00:02:54,242 --> 00:02:56,451 - to get a letter from an old friend. - No, no, no, no, no, no. 70 00:02:56,452 --> 00:02:58,134 - What old friend? - Forget you heard anything. 71 00:02:58,135 --> 00:02:59,418 - What old friend? - Nothing, J... 72 00:02:59,419 --> 00:03:00,783 - We need him, Nick. - No, we don't. 73 00:03:00,808 --> 00:03:02,132 - We got to bring him back. - Bring who back? 74 00:03:02,158 --> 00:03:04,611 - Winston, don't do this! - Guys, does nobody listen to me?! 75 00:03:04,612 --> 00:03:05,931 - ...without him! - Who is he? 76 00:03:06,187 --> 00:03:08,688 - Michael Keaton. - You stupid... 77 00:03:08,689 --> 00:03:11,791 Michael Keaton, the actor? The Batman? 78 00:03:11,792 --> 00:03:13,690 Nick, are you gonna tell her, or should I? 79 00:03:13,691 --> 00:03:16,365 - I'm not telling her. - Fine. I'll do it. 80 00:03:16,366 --> 00:03:18,934 - You will? - When Schmidt was seven years old... 81 00:03:18,961 --> 00:03:22,443 You're a terrible storyteller. I'll just do it myself, I guess. 82 00:03:24,705 --> 00:03:27,140 When Schmidt was seven years old, 83 00:03:27,174 --> 00:03:29,142 his daddy divorced his mommy... 84 00:03:29,176 --> 00:03:32,812 And Schmidt was left without the love of a father. 85 00:03:32,847 --> 00:03:35,015 He didn't take it well. 86 00:03:35,049 --> 00:03:37,910 He began an endless cycle of crying and chocolate. 87 00:03:37,911 --> 00:03:42,255 Mrs. Schmidt tried everything to cheer him up, but nothing worked. 88 00:03:42,290 --> 00:03:46,226 Desperate, she looked to the stars. Movie stars. 89 00:03:46,260 --> 00:03:50,764 Mrs. Schmidt wrote that little fat loser a letter of support from the star 90 00:03:50,798 --> 00:03:52,900 of his favorite movie, Batman. 91 00:03:52,901 --> 00:03:56,536 But not the confusing new one. The good one, with Michael Keaton. 92 00:03:57,972 --> 00:04:02,075 And when Schmidt got his disgusting chubby hands on Keaton's letter, 93 00:04:02,076 --> 00:04:03,764 his life changed forever. 94 00:04:03,765 --> 00:04:04,970 Yes! 95 00:04:04,971 --> 00:04:06,905 But the real trouble was just beginning. 96 00:04:06,906 --> 00:04:10,308 You see, Schmidt wrote back. And he kept writing back 97 00:04:10,309 --> 00:04:14,196 about any problem he faced: bullies, schoolwork, 98 00:04:14,197 --> 00:04:15,989 public erections. 99 00:04:16,023 --> 00:04:19,502 And for every letter he sent, Michael Keaton sent one back. 100 00:04:19,517 --> 00:04:21,632 Was Winston's version shorter? 101 00:04:21,633 --> 00:04:24,379 Then one day, that tubby goon went off to college. 102 00:04:24,380 --> 00:04:25,598 Whoa. 103 00:04:25,633 --> 00:04:28,837 So Mrs. Schmidt unloaded the secret on her son's only friend, 104 00:04:28,860 --> 00:04:31,271 a man named me. It was me. 105 00:04:31,305 --> 00:04:33,106 - Yeah, I got that. - Really? People don't... 106 00:04:33,140 --> 00:04:35,075 No, I got it. 107 00:04:35,109 --> 00:04:38,395 College proved tough for Schmidt, and old patterns soon returned. 108 00:04:39,847 --> 00:04:43,683 It became impossible to study, and I knew what I had to do. 109 00:04:43,718 --> 00:04:44,984 And again... 110 00:04:45,019 --> 00:04:46,786 - New message. - ...It worked. 111 00:04:46,821 --> 00:04:50,612 With Keaton in his corner, he pulled himself away from that bag of turkey 112 00:04:50,613 --> 00:04:52,392 - ...and became a man. - One... 113 00:04:52,426 --> 00:04:55,829 He lost five pounds, gained confidence with women... 114 00:04:57,431 --> 00:04:59,999 ...and he saw the hit movie Multiplicity... 115 00:05:00,034 --> 00:05:02,321 - 25 times. - Oh, my God. 116 00:05:02,322 --> 00:05:04,223 You've been cat fishing Schmidt. 117 00:05:04,224 --> 00:05:06,306 Do you think we could use this whole Michael Keaton thing 118 00:05:06,307 --> 00:05:08,141 - ...to turn Schmidt around? - Absolutely. 119 00:05:08,142 --> 00:05:09,852 - Great! - But I won't do it. 120 00:05:09,878 --> 00:05:12,145 - Why not? - Because I put it to bed, okay? 121 00:05:12,179 --> 00:05:14,848 It's over. He'll do anything Keaton says. 122 00:05:14,882 --> 00:05:16,480 The letters are too powerful. 123 00:05:16,481 --> 00:05:18,481 I'm lying to my best friend. 124 00:05:18,519 --> 00:05:21,675 And I also feel like I'm betraying the real Keaton, who I really love. 125 00:05:21,676 --> 00:05:24,112 Well, then why did you tell me that whole story, Nick? 126 00:05:24,113 --> 00:05:26,591 Because it's a great story, and I'm a teller of stories. 127 00:05:26,592 --> 00:05:28,762 But I won't do it. Sorry. 128 00:05:28,796 --> 00:05:30,597 You think you tell that story better than me? 129 00:05:30,631 --> 00:05:32,432 Look, you leave out way too many details, man. 130 00:05:32,433 --> 00:05:34,530 You don't just say he was chewing a candy bar. 131 00:05:34,531 --> 00:05:37,289 You say he was chewing on a nougat-y candy bar. 132 00:05:37,290 --> 00:05:40,523 That's not the kind of writer I am. I don't say words like "nougat-y." 133 00:05:40,524 --> 00:05:42,847 I'm simple. I'm like Hemingway. 134 00:05:53,915 --> 00:05:57,217 - Hey, Cece. - Oh, hey. 135 00:05:57,218 --> 00:05:59,352 I came to find out if you're coming to my party today. 136 00:05:59,420 --> 00:06:00,754 You never answered my e-mail. 137 00:06:00,788 --> 00:06:03,190 Yeah, I meant to, uh... to tell you I can't make it. 138 00:06:03,224 --> 00:06:04,858 Sorry. Um... 139 00:06:04,893 --> 00:06:08,428 I've been going out drinking a lot lately. It's kind of wiping me out. 140 00:06:10,802 --> 00:06:12,633 Please come to my party, Cece. 141 00:06:12,667 --> 00:06:14,468 It's Schmidt, you know? 142 00:06:14,502 --> 00:06:16,703 - I don't think I'm ready for that, so... - Yeah. 143 00:06:16,738 --> 00:06:20,121 What if I could promise you Schmidt wouldn't be there? 144 00:06:26,629 --> 00:06:27,881 Who wants candy? 145 00:06:27,916 --> 00:06:29,583 - Did you go trick-or-treating? - No. 146 00:06:29,617 --> 00:06:33,676 I was out, I had my errand tote, and a couple of neighbors gave me candy. 147 00:06:33,677 --> 00:06:34,941 Is that trick-or-treating? 148 00:06:34,942 --> 00:06:36,790 Yes, that's the definition of trick-or-treating, Jess. 149 00:06:36,824 --> 00:06:39,626 Hello! Uh, Jess, I'd like you to know that I've changed my mind, 150 00:06:39,661 --> 00:06:41,728 and I won't be coming to your party tonight. 151 00:06:41,763 --> 00:06:45,854 I've been e-mailing with an old friend of mine, and he made me realize 152 00:06:45,855 --> 00:06:48,135 - ...that I should give Cece her space. - An old friend, huh? 153 00:06:48,136 --> 00:06:50,871 Well, Nick knows. You know, I don't like to throw his name around 154 00:06:50,872 --> 00:06:53,264 because I don't like people treating me any differently, but... 155 00:06:53,290 --> 00:06:54,620 It's Michael Keaton. 156 00:06:54,621 --> 00:06:56,843 What?! 157 00:06:56,878 --> 00:06:59,513 Uh, okay. Calm down. 158 00:06:59,547 --> 00:07:02,525 The actor?! 159 00:07:02,572 --> 00:07:04,418 Seriously, you guys. Don't treat me any different. 160 00:07:04,452 --> 00:07:06,071 He's kind of my friend. Michael Keaton. 161 00:07:06,072 --> 00:07:08,288 There was one time he e-mailed me. He said he was my best friend. 162 00:07:08,323 --> 00:07:10,590 Anyway, we have so much catching up to do, 163 00:07:10,625 --> 00:07:12,596 me and Michael, so just enjoy the night. 164 00:07:12,597 --> 00:07:14,932 That's crazy, Schmidt. Ah, man. 165 00:07:15,863 --> 00:07:18,632 - What did you do? - Jessica Damn Day. 166 00:07:18,666 --> 00:07:20,634 I just got Schmidt to not come to the party. 167 00:07:20,668 --> 00:07:23,036 Keaton hasn't written Schmidt in three years. 168 00:07:23,071 --> 00:07:25,895 We have no idea how Schmidt is gonna react. 169 00:07:25,903 --> 00:07:27,341 If Schmidt finds out Keaton isn't real, 170 00:07:27,375 --> 00:07:29,643 it'll destroy the entire life he has built around him. 171 00:07:29,677 --> 00:07:31,878 We are talking about a Truman Show situation. 172 00:07:31,913 --> 00:07:34,641 Oh, yeah, I love that movie. What part are you talking about? 173 00:07:34,649 --> 00:07:36,783 Well, I'm talking about the part in the movie 174 00:07:36,818 --> 00:07:39,519 when Truman realizes that his whole life is a lie, 175 00:07:39,554 --> 00:07:41,121 and then he goes crazy. 176 00:07:41,155 --> 00:07:43,790 Yeah, yeah, yeah, right there in the middle of the movie. 177 00:07:43,825 --> 00:07:45,625 No, it's the whole movie. 178 00:07:45,660 --> 00:07:47,294 Oh, yeah, I know, I was just... 'cause there's the one... 179 00:07:47,295 --> 00:07:48,732 - There's like a scene. - You haven't seen it. 180 00:07:48,747 --> 00:07:52,366 He didn't see the movie. Okay, guys, he almost found out once. 181 00:07:52,400 --> 00:07:54,234 Now, luckily, I handled it. 182 00:07:54,268 --> 00:07:55,969 I don't understand. 183 00:07:56,004 --> 00:08:00,240 In 1995, he told me specifically that he had never been to Nicaragua. 184 00:08:00,241 --> 00:08:02,471 It doesn't make any sense. Aah! 185 00:08:02,472 --> 00:08:04,451 You have no idea what you've done. 186 00:08:04,452 --> 00:08:08,650 Hey, uh, you guys, do you think that it's too early to e-mail Michael back? 187 00:08:08,651 --> 00:08:09,987 Should I send him an e-card? 188 00:08:09,988 --> 00:08:12,319 Does that change anything, or does that change everything? 189 00:08:12,353 --> 00:08:13,661 - I think you're overthinking it. - You know what? 190 00:08:13,662 --> 00:08:14,988 - You're right. You're right. - Be cool. 191 00:08:15,023 --> 00:08:17,391 I think I'm way too up here, all upstairs. 192 00:08:17,425 --> 00:08:19,379 Got to bring it down... here to here. 193 00:08:19,380 --> 00:08:21,428 Not any lower, though. It's not like that. 194 00:08:21,462 --> 00:08:23,997 - I know it's not. - Bro, it's not like that. 195 00:08:24,032 --> 00:08:25,599 - No one thinks it is, bro. - Cool. 196 00:08:25,633 --> 00:08:27,367 All right. 197 00:08:27,402 --> 00:08:28,835 He's already getting weird. 198 00:08:28,870 --> 00:08:30,436 - Here. - No, Je... 199 00:08:31,425 --> 00:08:33,707 You... come to the master. 200 00:08:33,741 --> 00:08:35,675 What are you writing? 201 00:08:37,578 --> 00:08:40,514 I fixed it again. You're welcome again. 202 00:08:40,548 --> 00:08:42,516 So you just wrote from Keaton, 203 00:08:42,550 --> 00:08:44,551 "I'm going on vacation"? 204 00:08:44,585 --> 00:08:47,054 He would never write that, Jess. 205 00:08:47,088 --> 00:08:48,789 - Why not? - Vacation?! 206 00:08:48,823 --> 00:08:51,672 Oh, Michael, you... stop going away. 207 00:08:52,427 --> 00:08:54,262 I knew this would happen. 208 00:08:55,997 --> 00:08:58,432 - Hey, Schmidt. - Schmidty. 209 00:08:58,466 --> 00:09:00,300 He left me again. 210 00:09:00,334 --> 00:09:02,602 It makes sense. 211 00:09:02,637 --> 00:09:05,705 Why would a guy like Michael Keaton be friends with me anyway? 212 00:09:05,740 --> 00:09:08,075 I'm sure he likes you a lot, Schmidt. 213 00:09:08,109 --> 00:09:09,449 Why would he? 214 00:09:09,450 --> 00:09:13,947 I guess I'll just always be the fat boy who eats fat-boy cheese. 215 00:09:23,191 --> 00:09:25,110 I didn't want to have to do this. 216 00:09:26,994 --> 00:09:29,517 Oh, is that really necessary, Nick? 217 00:09:29,518 --> 00:09:31,011 - Shh. - What? 218 00:09:31,012 --> 00:09:33,633 Let him work. I'm kind of like his Robin. 219 00:09:33,668 --> 00:09:35,769 - You're not like my Robin. - You want to be Robin? 220 00:09:35,770 --> 00:09:37,569 He doesn't have all the responsibilities of Batman, 221 00:09:37,570 --> 00:09:38,939 but he can take some of the glory. 222 00:09:38,940 --> 00:09:40,546 - Robin's a joke. - Robin's the joke. 223 00:09:40,547 --> 00:09:41,849 I think we can all agree. 224 00:09:41,850 --> 00:09:43,910 The kids look up to him, you know, in the community. 225 00:09:43,945 --> 00:09:46,291 I haven't been inside Keaton's mind in a long time, 226 00:09:46,292 --> 00:09:48,515 and I need my proper inspiration. 227 00:09:48,549 --> 00:09:49,935 Thank you. 228 00:09:50,618 --> 00:09:52,119 Why do you have a picture of a bear? 229 00:09:52,153 --> 00:09:55,781 The great Michael Keaton attacks each new role 230 00:09:55,782 --> 00:09:58,792 with the ferocity of a hungry brown bear. 231 00:09:58,826 --> 00:10:03,557 It is his entire acting philosophy, which I totally made up. 232 00:10:03,558 --> 00:10:05,162 I sleep with this person. 233 00:10:05,163 --> 00:10:06,797 Speak to me, Keaton. 234 00:10:08,503 --> 00:10:09,803 Mmm. 235 00:10:10,201 --> 00:10:11,802 Here we go. 236 00:10:16,144 --> 00:10:18,178 Oh, hey, Nick, that's incredible. 237 00:10:18,212 --> 00:10:22,115 "Courage is not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it"? 238 00:10:22,150 --> 00:10:24,518 Yes, I stole that from Nelson Mandela. 239 00:10:24,552 --> 00:10:26,825 I added the part about the Penguin and the Riddler. 240 00:10:29,773 --> 00:10:31,063 Oh. All right. 241 00:10:33,261 --> 00:10:34,948 Is that him? Did it work? 242 00:10:35,663 --> 00:10:37,831 He wrote back smiley face. 243 00:10:37,865 --> 00:10:41,134 - He wrote back smiley face. - He wrote back smiley face. 244 00:10:44,739 --> 00:10:48,074 - Trick or treat! - Oh, how adorable. 245 00:10:48,109 --> 00:10:51,044 You know, I just got a treat, too. It's not candy; I'm not a... 246 00:10:51,078 --> 00:10:53,146 Not a dumb little baby like all of you. 247 00:10:53,181 --> 00:10:56,309 "Happy Hallow's Eve." 248 00:10:56,310 --> 00:10:58,051 And send. 249 00:10:59,554 --> 00:11:03,190 - Just give us our candy. - Hush, little boy. 250 00:11:09,530 --> 00:11:11,898 He wrote back. 251 00:11:11,933 --> 00:11:13,667 - "Hi." - Okay, I got this. 252 00:11:13,701 --> 00:11:15,936 "Speak to me, old chum. 253 00:11:15,970 --> 00:11:18,738 "I canceled my trip to provide earthquake relief. 254 00:11:18,773 --> 00:11:20,625 This seemed more important." Boom. 255 00:11:20,626 --> 00:11:22,008 - That's so good. - Yeah, it's pretty good. 256 00:11:22,043 --> 00:11:23,577 You really have the Keaton voice down. 257 00:11:23,611 --> 00:11:25,679 "You're a friend for life." 258 00:11:25,713 --> 00:11:27,546 - That's good. - "M.K." 259 00:11:27,547 --> 00:11:30,389 - I think that's good. - I think that's really good, actually. 260 00:11:33,287 --> 00:11:35,517 Hi. Welcome. Happy Halloween. 261 00:11:35,518 --> 00:11:37,319 Drinks are over there. 262 00:11:37,353 --> 00:11:39,454 - Hey. - Hi. 263 00:11:40,356 --> 00:11:43,759 - What are you supposed to be? - I'm Joey Ramona Quimby. 264 00:11:43,793 --> 00:11:45,240 I don't get it. 265 00:11:45,241 --> 00:11:49,204 Joey Ramone... a Quimby. 266 00:11:51,140 --> 00:11:54,558 What are you? You look like you're just wearing trash from your car. 267 00:11:54,559 --> 00:11:58,161 No, I'm not. I'm the Paper Mountain Trash King... 268 00:11:58,165 --> 00:11:59,904 I just got trash from my car. 269 00:11:59,905 --> 00:12:03,493 And now the man who once played center for the New York Knicks in the nude, 270 00:12:03,494 --> 00:12:05,681 David Letterman! 271 00:12:05,682 --> 00:12:08,197 - That is a terrible Letterman. - Really? 272 00:12:08,198 --> 00:12:10,016 People at work tell me I look just like Dave. 273 00:12:10,051 --> 00:12:12,087 You look just like Letterman. 274 00:12:12,088 --> 00:12:14,203 You know, I have always thought that. 275 00:12:14,689 --> 00:12:18,124 What, uh, what... uh, Nick, Nick Miller. So you a, uh...? 276 00:12:18,860 --> 00:12:20,159 You're a... 277 00:12:22,196 --> 00:12:23,663 - What is that? - That's, that's his laugh. 278 00:12:23,698 --> 00:12:26,030 - He's never done that. - That's his laugh. 279 00:12:26,031 --> 00:12:28,132 Do you like my costume? 280 00:12:29,604 --> 00:12:32,172 I'm a public serpent. 281 00:12:32,206 --> 00:12:33,874 Um, I thought you weren't coming. 282 00:12:33,908 --> 00:12:35,529 Oh, I changed my mind. 283 00:12:35,678 --> 00:12:38,278 You know, I reread a few of Keaton's e-mails. 284 00:12:38,312 --> 00:12:39,958 He can be quite cryptic. 285 00:12:39,966 --> 00:12:41,581 I think what he meant when he said 286 00:12:41,616 --> 00:12:45,488 that life was meaningful was really, "Go to the party." 287 00:12:45,489 --> 00:12:48,618 - I'm pretty sure he didn't mean that. - I know Keaton best. 288 00:12:48,619 --> 00:12:51,358 Hey, Winston, by the way, great costume. 289 00:12:51,392 --> 00:12:52,945 Maya Angelou. 290 00:12:53,895 --> 00:12:56,530 Crap. What am I gonna do? Cece's on her way. 291 00:12:56,564 --> 00:12:59,043 Schmidt is rereading e-mails. 292 00:12:59,044 --> 00:13:02,936 Do you know what happens after rereading? Figuring it out. It's The Truman Show. 293 00:13:02,970 --> 00:13:04,604 Truman Show, man, I love that movie. 294 00:13:04,639 --> 00:13:06,473 I'm not convinced you've ever seen it. 295 00:13:06,474 --> 00:13:08,241 I have; it's about the Civil War. 296 00:13:08,276 --> 00:13:11,174 - Batcave? - Go, go, go, go, go. Go, go, go. 297 00:13:13,414 --> 00:13:16,183 - Winston, go to Cece's and stall. - Okay, fine. 298 00:13:16,184 --> 00:13:19,156 But I got to hit the little King of the Late Night Talk Show's room first. 299 00:13:19,163 --> 00:13:21,555 Maybe slow down on that. You're not great with booze. 300 00:13:21,589 --> 00:13:23,223 - Hey, I got it, I got it. - You got it? Good. 301 00:13:23,257 --> 00:13:26,209 Um, "You're in grave danger. Leave where you are immediately." 302 00:13:26,210 --> 00:13:27,481 - Send. Okay. - Don't! 303 00:13:27,482 --> 00:13:28,603 - You just sent that? - Yeah. 304 00:13:28,604 --> 00:13:31,045 A team has to talk about a decision before you hit send. 305 00:13:31,046 --> 00:13:32,632 Sorry. I thought it was a really good move. 306 00:13:32,667 --> 00:13:34,734 - Trick or treat. - Shh. 307 00:13:34,769 --> 00:13:36,970 All right, you got to fix this. 308 00:13:37,004 --> 00:13:39,808 I'll meet you at your building in 30 minutes. 309 00:13:39,809 --> 00:13:41,209 Terrible! Send. 310 00:13:41,210 --> 00:13:42,778 - No! - What? 311 00:13:42,812 --> 00:13:44,231 Now what are we gonna do? 312 00:13:44,232 --> 00:13:46,017 - You told him Keaton was coming here? - No, Nick. 313 00:13:46,018 --> 00:13:48,517 - Are you out of your mind? - It's a stall! It's a stall... 314 00:13:48,551 --> 00:13:51,219 Until we can come up with a better plan. 315 00:13:51,254 --> 00:13:53,455 - Well, who the hell is that? - I don't know. 316 00:13:53,489 --> 00:13:55,657 Trick or treat! 317 00:13:56,730 --> 00:13:58,284 You. 318 00:14:00,496 --> 00:14:03,598 I don't get what you're doing! Are you drunk? 319 00:14:04,535 --> 00:14:06,202 A little. 320 00:14:06,203 --> 00:14:09,045 - What's your endgame here? - It's Halloween night. 321 00:14:09,046 --> 00:14:12,434 This is the night when anyone can dress up in a costume 322 00:14:12,435 --> 00:14:14,432 and be anybody that... they want. 323 00:14:14,433 --> 00:14:17,498 Would you listen to your woman voice for one second? 324 00:14:17,499 --> 00:14:20,515 Oh, you think I'm gonna talk to him in a woman voice when I'm talking to him? 325 00:14:20,550 --> 00:14:22,351 No, I have a character. 326 00:14:22,385 --> 00:14:24,704 You're doing a character? Well, I'd love to hear it. 327 00:14:25,788 --> 00:14:27,489 I'm the Batman. 328 00:14:27,523 --> 00:14:29,658 - Oh. - Right...? 329 00:14:29,692 --> 00:14:32,294 So good. What, am I in the movie theater, eating popcorn? 330 00:14:34,232 --> 00:14:36,268 Jess, you're also five, four. 331 00:14:36,269 --> 00:14:39,071 Keep going further away. The further you're away, the bigger you look. 332 00:14:39,072 --> 00:14:40,948 - I would say run a little bit. - Nick! 333 00:14:40,949 --> 00:14:42,984 Jess, go! Go... 334 00:14:42,985 --> 00:14:44,680 - Hey. Uh, Nick. - Hey. 335 00:14:44,681 --> 00:14:47,649 By chance, have you seen anyone famous in the vicinity? 336 00:14:47,650 --> 00:14:50,652 This vicinity? Famous? Like, um... 337 00:14:50,682 --> 00:14:53,630 - Look that way. - What? 338 00:14:56,813 --> 00:14:59,740 - Oh, my God. - Yeah, it's unbelievable. 339 00:15:02,012 --> 00:15:03,713 - Well, it's my hero. - Yeah. 340 00:15:03,747 --> 00:15:07,216 - That is Michael Keaton. - Right there. 341 00:15:07,251 --> 00:15:11,550 Why is he wearing his costume from the movie he did 24 years ago? 342 00:15:11,551 --> 00:15:14,357 If he wore the outfit from Clean and Sober, you wouldn't recognize him. 343 00:15:14,391 --> 00:15:17,551 - I'm the Batman. - It's Halloween. Don't overthink it. 344 00:15:17,552 --> 00:15:19,387 Well, you saw him. There he is. Let's get out of here. 345 00:15:19,421 --> 00:15:20,788 I have to meet him, Nick. I have to. 346 00:15:20,822 --> 00:15:21,895 No, you don't have to meet him. No, no, no... 347 00:15:21,896 --> 00:15:24,167 You're a great kid, Sch... You're a great kid, Schmidt. 348 00:15:24,168 --> 00:15:26,436 No. Let me take you out to eat. I want to buy you something 349 00:15:26,437 --> 00:15:28,405 - 'cause you met your hero. - Go to an all-night diner. 350 00:15:28,406 --> 00:15:30,474 - No, I have to meet... Got to meet him. - He's got to... 351 00:15:30,475 --> 00:15:32,408 - It's Michael Keaton! - Go get a blintz or two! 352 00:15:32,409 --> 00:15:33,509 Aah! 353 00:15:33,544 --> 00:15:37,180 - Michael! It's me Schmidt. - See you later, Michael! Take off! 354 00:15:37,214 --> 00:15:38,581 We have so much to talk about. 355 00:15:38,615 --> 00:15:40,666 Our heroes are never who we want them to be! 356 00:15:40,667 --> 00:15:41,967 Oh. 357 00:15:43,536 --> 00:15:45,745 Oh. You met him. 358 00:15:45,746 --> 00:15:47,190 It's Keaton. 359 00:15:47,191 --> 00:15:49,130 Come on, you guys. I know. 360 00:15:49,760 --> 00:15:52,306 I've known the whole time. What, do you think I'm stupid? 361 00:15:52,477 --> 00:15:54,044 No. It just... I... 362 00:15:54,078 --> 00:15:56,180 Just don't really know what to say in this situation. 363 00:15:56,182 --> 00:15:58,004 Look, please don't blame Nick. It's not his fault. 364 00:15:58,005 --> 00:16:00,363 You should be ashamed of yourselves. 365 00:16:00,364 --> 00:16:03,114 How dare you hack into the private e-mail account 366 00:16:03,115 --> 00:16:05,951 of one of our nation's finest actors! 367 00:16:07,594 --> 00:16:09,795 I'm gonna have to tell Michael about this. 368 00:16:09,796 --> 00:16:11,970 No! No! 369 00:16:11,971 --> 00:16:15,049 - No, don't tell Michael! - Jess, please stop. 370 00:16:15,949 --> 00:16:18,731 Thank you for what you're trying to do, but it's over. 371 00:16:18,846 --> 00:16:20,739 It has to be over. 372 00:16:21,712 --> 00:16:25,448 Schmidt, I'm Michael Keaton. 373 00:16:26,640 --> 00:16:31,411 I'm the owner of the e-mail address KeatonPotatoes@aol.com. 374 00:16:31,445 --> 00:16:34,180 What? 375 00:16:34,215 --> 00:16:37,577 It was me... The whole time. 376 00:16:37,603 --> 00:16:38,988 No... 377 00:16:39,004 --> 00:16:40,653 - No, you can't... - How do you think 378 00:16:40,688 --> 00:16:43,587 I know that you kissed the bus driver at spring break? 379 00:16:43,588 --> 00:16:48,000 Or that you want to open up a glassware boutique in Connecticut? 380 00:16:48,234 --> 00:16:51,013 - Or about the wall hole? - This is impossible! I've been... 381 00:16:51,014 --> 00:16:53,031 I've been writing with Michael Keaton since I was a kid! 382 00:16:53,032 --> 00:16:55,725 Your mother came up with the idea, Schmidt. 383 00:16:55,897 --> 00:16:59,632 - But since college, it's been me. - My mom? 384 00:16:59,678 --> 00:17:03,104 You're gonna tell me that my mom helped me with my public erections? 385 00:17:03,105 --> 00:17:04,628 I drew pictures! 386 00:17:04,629 --> 00:17:07,285 He didn't want you to find out this way. 387 00:17:09,324 --> 00:17:11,359 Hey. 388 00:17:14,832 --> 00:17:16,726 - I got to go. - Wait. Schmidt! 389 00:17:16,727 --> 00:17:20,160 - Oh! Oh, I'm so, so sorry. Uh... - A bully! Get him! 390 00:17:20,194 --> 00:17:22,028 Oh! Oh! 391 00:17:22,062 --> 00:17:23,686 - Come on. - Hey, kids, get out of here! 392 00:17:23,687 --> 00:17:26,789 Scat! Scat! Back off! 393 00:17:30,793 --> 00:17:34,971 Cece, wait. I swear, I did not know he was gonna be here. I'm so sorry. 394 00:17:34,972 --> 00:17:37,507 No, Jess. It's-it's fine. Okay, it's fine. 395 00:17:37,508 --> 00:17:41,444 In fact... it's actually kind of perfect. 396 00:17:41,445 --> 00:17:45,673 I think, since this whole thing went down, I've just been running away. 397 00:17:45,674 --> 00:17:49,844 You know, I mean, actually seeing Schmidt, I... 398 00:17:50,279 --> 00:17:53,318 I finally feel like I have some closure. 399 00:17:53,319 --> 00:17:55,384 Well, good. I'm glad. 400 00:17:55,385 --> 00:17:57,319 You deserve some. 401 00:17:59,251 --> 00:18:01,837 So let's fire up the Batman Mobile, 402 00:18:01,838 --> 00:18:04,793 go to a taco stand and eat some feelings, okay? 403 00:18:04,816 --> 00:18:06,991 Okay, I just... I think it's Batmobile. 404 00:18:07,026 --> 00:18:08,226 Batman Mobile. 405 00:18:08,251 --> 00:18:11,004 No. Batmobile. 406 00:18:11,036 --> 00:18:12,864 That's what I said... Batman Mobile. 407 00:18:12,898 --> 00:18:14,699 You're putting the man... There's no man. It's just Bat... 408 00:18:14,733 --> 00:18:16,834 - Batman Mobile. - ...Mobile. Batman Mobile. 409 00:18:16,869 --> 00:18:18,965 - Batmobile. Drop the man. - Bat... Yeah. 410 00:18:18,973 --> 00:18:20,512 Batman Mobile. 411 00:18:20,559 --> 00:18:22,539 Batmobile. 412 00:18:22,574 --> 00:18:25,244 Batmo-mobile. 413 00:18:25,619 --> 00:18:29,859 So it was you who helped me through my first breakup with Elizabeth? 414 00:18:30,469 --> 00:18:32,116 Yeah, Schmidt. 415 00:18:32,151 --> 00:18:35,720 And it was you, not Keaton, who told me 416 00:18:35,754 --> 00:18:38,436 that women aren't attracted to men who wear maternity pants? 417 00:18:38,457 --> 00:18:42,114 Yes, but that one I feel like I shouldn't have had to. 418 00:18:42,115 --> 00:18:44,595 They're unbelevably comfortable. 419 00:18:44,630 --> 00:18:46,898 What about that time that we saw Michael Keaton 420 00:18:46,932 --> 00:18:51,379 at that deli, and he stopped, and he winked? 421 00:18:51,410 --> 00:18:53,665 Honestly, I can't explain that one. 422 00:18:53,666 --> 00:18:55,968 It was just the weirdest day of my whole life. 423 00:18:56,508 --> 00:18:58,776 My friend Michael. 424 00:18:58,811 --> 00:19:04,148 Oh, Schmidt, look, I know this is hard, okay? 425 00:19:04,776 --> 00:19:07,177 But honestly, I was just trying to help. 426 00:19:08,383 --> 00:19:11,540 You don't need Keaton. You got me. 427 00:19:13,315 --> 00:19:16,227 - What was that? - I'm so sorry. 428 00:19:16,261 --> 00:19:18,397 What... Why would you say something like that? 429 00:19:18,398 --> 00:19:21,767 Because I hurt you, and I've been wanting to fix this for years. 430 00:19:21,768 --> 00:19:24,635 The end of a high school football movie? 431 00:19:24,670 --> 00:19:27,672 I'm really sorry I pretended to be Keaton for the last 12 years. 432 00:19:27,706 --> 00:19:29,340 It's super weird. 433 00:19:30,843 --> 00:19:33,010 Are we good? 434 00:19:34,107 --> 00:19:37,409 Yeah. We're good. 435 00:19:45,557 --> 00:19:48,426 Well, Nicholas, I came to a decision last night. 436 00:19:48,460 --> 00:19:52,092 I'm entering a new chapter in my life, and I think it best that I do it alone. 437 00:19:52,093 --> 00:19:54,341 You're going to one of those weekend spas again, buddy? 438 00:19:54,342 --> 00:19:56,981 No. In the famous words of singer-songwriter Billy Joel... 439 00:19:56,982 --> 00:19:58,388 - Don't do this. - I'm moving out. 440 00:19:58,389 --> 00:19:59,593 You're the worst. 441 00:19:59,609 --> 00:20:01,424 Schmidt, I thought you said we were good. 442 00:20:01,425 --> 00:20:04,075 No, we're great, but I'm going. Two separate things. 443 00:20:04,076 --> 00:20:06,751 I made the call this morning. I got a new place. I'm out. 444 00:20:06,752 --> 00:20:09,113 - You're not going anywhere. - I'm going. 445 00:20:09,148 --> 00:20:12,016 Goodness, uh, I think somebody had sex in my bedroom last night. 446 00:20:12,017 --> 00:20:13,842 I think that because they're still in there... 447 00:20:13,843 --> 00:20:15,244 - Having sex, I think. - Ugh! 448 00:20:16,722 --> 00:20:18,873 Hey, Schmidt. You going to a weekend spa again? 449 00:20:18,874 --> 00:20:21,225 - No. Striking out on my own. - Wait. What?! 450 00:20:21,260 --> 00:20:23,277 You're moving out? He's not moving out, is he? 451 00:20:23,278 --> 00:20:24,859 Schmidt, you can't move out. Who's gonna do my fades? 452 00:20:24,860 --> 00:20:27,232 Yeah, who's gonna do his fades? 453 00:20:28,639 --> 00:20:30,307 Believe this is mine. 454 00:20:31,870 --> 00:20:34,372 Well, I bid you all adieu. 455 00:20:34,406 --> 00:20:36,040 - Stop it, Schmidt. Oh, Schmidt! - Are you serious? 456 00:20:36,074 --> 00:20:37,678 - Schmidt, come on. - Come on. 457 00:20:37,702 --> 00:20:39,362 - Seriously? Come on! - Stop with the show! 458 00:20:39,363 --> 00:20:41,579 You can't even fit all your socks in that suitcase. 459 00:20:41,613 --> 00:20:45,231 Get your last looks, 'cause who knows when we'll see each other again? 460 00:20:45,851 --> 00:20:48,252 Or where. 461 00:20:54,620 --> 00:20:57,695 Wait. You're just moving in across the hall? 462 00:20:57,729 --> 00:20:59,856 I can't hear you... 'cause I'm gone. 463 00:20:59,857 --> 00:21:02,228 Schmidt, it would take me longer to walk from the kitchen 464 00:21:02,229 --> 00:21:05,770 to the bathroom than it would from here to where you are. 465 00:21:05,804 --> 00:21:08,039 Oh, you are kidding me. 466 00:21:08,073 --> 00:21:10,381 - I can see your feet! - Me, too. 467 00:21:10,382 --> 00:21:11,925 Shut up. 468 00:21:11,950 --> 00:21:13,950 Guy's an idiot... 469 00:21:13,975 --> 00:21:16,083 See you tomorrow, Schmidt... 470 00:21:17,164 --> 00:21:19,859 Woo! I'm alone! 471 00:21:19,884 --> 00:21:22,066 I'm alone! I'm alone... 472 00:21:22,222 --> 00:21:24,089 I'm alone... 473 00:21:28,872 --> 00:21:30,733 Score, touchd... 474 00:21:32,593 --> 00:21:35,718 Hahaha... Yeah. Shut up, Winston. 475 00:21:35,909 --> 00:21:38,909 Sync & corrections: Reef www.addic7ed.com