1 00:00:03,036 --> 00:00:04,667 Hey, what took you so long? Ripped By mstoll 2 00:00:04,871 --> 00:00:07,339 Why are we having a secret meeting in an empty loft? 3 00:00:07,540 --> 00:00:09,303 I don't want Schmidt to find us. 4 00:00:09,542 --> 00:00:10,531 - Ew! - I know, right? 5 00:00:10,744 --> 00:00:11,733 It's creepy, right? 6 00:00:11,945 --> 00:00:14,072 - Yeah, it is. - This place gives me the willies. 7 00:00:14,280 --> 00:00:16,475 - Know why they can't keep a tenant here? - Why? 8 00:00:16,750 --> 00:00:20,117 Because Mrs. Beverly died on the toilet. And to come here on Halloween? 9 00:00:21,021 --> 00:00:22,648 - Seems risky. - What's risky? 10 00:00:22,889 --> 00:00:24,322 The ghost situation. 11 00:00:24,557 --> 00:00:27,856 I brought you in here to talk about Schmidt. I'm worried about him. 12 00:00:28,061 --> 00:00:31,690 He hasn't been to work for three days. He sits on the couch eating cold cuts... 13 00:00:31,898 --> 00:00:34,162 ...and yelling at the news how nothing matters. 14 00:00:34,401 --> 00:00:36,426 - It's a real problem. - Right. Yes. 15 00:00:36,669 --> 00:00:40,161 He's going through a thing. The Cece/Elizabeth breakup has gotten to him. 16 00:00:40,407 --> 00:00:43,535 Right now, he is completely unhinged. 17 00:00:44,144 --> 00:00:45,668 - You feel that? - What's going on? 18 00:00:45,879 --> 00:00:48,177 Felt a weird breeze through my body, that's all. 19 00:00:48,381 --> 00:00:49,370 JESS: There's no ghost. 20 00:00:49,582 --> 00:00:53,882 Guys, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I miss the old Schmidt. 21 00:00:54,087 --> 00:00:58,751 I want him to be happy again. He's crumbling before our very eyes. 22 00:00:58,958 --> 00:01:00,357 I'm having a party tonight... 23 00:01:00,560 --> 00:01:04,519 ...and I can't have him lying on the couch, wiping his tears with deli meat. 24 00:01:04,798 --> 00:01:06,060 I'll talk to him. 25 00:01:06,299 --> 00:01:07,561 - Okay? - Thank you. 26 00:01:07,834 --> 00:01:09,324 People get weird with breakups. 27 00:01:09,536 --> 00:01:11,128 Trust me. I got this. 28 00:01:11,371 --> 00:01:13,635 - [IN DEEP VOICE] Got this. - That was Winston. 29 00:01:13,873 --> 00:01:16,774 Was that you or was that in here, dude? Don't do that! 30 00:01:19,112 --> 00:01:21,808 Oh, come on, Obama. 31 00:01:22,015 --> 00:01:24,006 Tanks pull in, tanks pull out. 32 00:01:24,250 --> 00:01:27,845 Babies are born, old people die. 33 00:01:28,054 --> 00:01:33,082 The world keeps spinning and spinning and spinning, and one day it stops. 34 00:01:33,326 --> 00:01:37,387 And then what? You wanna talk about healthcare? 35 00:01:40,400 --> 00:01:41,662 That's mayo, buddy. 36 00:01:41,868 --> 00:01:44,029 [NICK & JESS GROANING] 37 00:01:44,771 --> 00:01:45,999 Yeah, I don't got this. 38 00:01:49,109 --> 00:01:50,599 [SINGING] Who's that girl? 39 00:01:50,810 --> 00:01:53,574 CHORUS: Who's that girl? - It's Jess 40 00:01:59,152 --> 00:02:00,414 [SINGING] Pumpkining 41 00:02:00,653 --> 00:02:02,678 - You're really good at that. - Thanks. 42 00:02:02,922 --> 00:02:04,719 - What are you carving here? - A pumpkin. 43 00:02:04,958 --> 00:02:06,755 - Look. That's beautiful. - My pumpkin! 44 00:02:06,993 --> 00:02:08,324 Your pumpkin doesn't matter. 45 00:02:08,595 --> 00:02:13,532 Hey, I just wanted to talk to you about my party tonight. 46 00:02:13,766 --> 00:02:15,961 You don't want me to come to the party? 47 00:02:16,169 --> 00:02:17,602 No, no, no, no, no. 48 00:02:17,871 --> 00:02:20,704 - Jess, do you not want me to come? - No. No. 49 00:02:20,940 --> 00:02:24,706 - Doesn't matter. - I wouldn't go if I weren't throwing it. 50 00:02:24,911 --> 00:02:26,845 It's more of a business networking... 51 00:02:27,080 --> 00:02:30,072 It's not a big deal at all. I won't come. I'll stay at home... 52 00:02:30,283 --> 00:02:34,413 ...and I'll just hang out in my costume. No, wait a minute... 53 00:02:34,821 --> 00:02:36,083 ...your home is my home. 54 00:02:40,994 --> 00:02:43,326 - See you at the party. - What the hell? 55 00:02:43,530 --> 00:02:44,724 He's a total maniac. 56 00:02:45,331 --> 00:02:48,300 Well, you know what, Jess? He doesn't get like this often. 57 00:02:48,668 --> 00:02:51,865 But when he does, there's an option. 58 00:02:52,338 --> 00:02:55,967 Nick, I think it's time for Schmidt to get a letter from an old friend. 59 00:02:56,209 --> 00:02:57,437 - No, no, no. - What old friend? 60 00:02:57,677 --> 00:02:59,235 - Forget you heard anything. Nothing. - What old friend? 61 00:02:59,479 --> 00:03:00,844 - We need him. - No, we don't. 62 00:03:01,047 --> 00:03:02,309 - We gotta bring him back. - Who? 63 00:03:02,515 --> 00:03:06,383 - Winston, don't do this. - Is nobody listening to me? Who is he? 64 00:03:06,920 --> 00:03:08,911 - Michael Keaton. - You stupid... 65 00:03:09,222 --> 00:03:11,952 Michael Keaton, the actor? The Batman. 66 00:03:12,559 --> 00:03:14,789 - Are you going to tell her? - I'm not telling her. 67 00:03:14,994 --> 00:03:17,258 - Fine. I'll do it. - You will? 68 00:03:18,298 --> 00:03:22,530 - When Schmidt was 7 years old... - You're a terrible storyteller. I'll do it myself. 69 00:03:26,072 --> 00:03:29,303 When Schmidt was 7 years old, his daddy divorced his mommy. 70 00:03:30,176 --> 00:03:33,509 And Schmidt was left without the love of a father. 71 00:03:33,713 --> 00:03:38,013 He didn't take it well. He began an endless cycle of crying and chocolate. 72 00:03:38,218 --> 00:03:42,985 Mrs. Schmidt tried everything to cheer him up, but nothing worked. 73 00:03:43,189 --> 00:03:46,454 Desperate, she looked to the stars. Movie stars. 74 00:03:47,193 --> 00:03:50,629 Mrs. Schmidt wrote that little fat loser a letter of support... 75 00:03:50,830 --> 00:03:53,128 ... from the star of his favorite movie, Batman. 76 00:03:53,333 --> 00:03:56,700 But not the confusing new one. The good one, with Michael Keaton. 77 00:03:58,404 --> 00:04:02,306 And when Schmidt got his disgusting, chubby hands on Keaton's letter... 78 00:04:02,709 --> 00:04:07,373 ... his life changed forever. But the real trouble was just beginning. 79 00:04:07,614 --> 00:04:09,241 You see, Schmidt wrote back. 80 00:04:09,482 --> 00:04:12,315 And he kept writing back about any problem he faced. 81 00:04:12,518 --> 00:04:16,579 Bullies, school work, public erections. 82 00:04:16,789 --> 00:04:20,020 And for every letter he sent, Michael Keaton sent one back. 83 00:04:20,226 --> 00:04:22,888 JESS: Was Winston's version shorter? 84 00:04:23,096 --> 00:04:25,860 NICK: Then one day, that tubby goon went off to college. 85 00:04:26,065 --> 00:04:27,828 So Mrs. Schmidt unloaded the secret... 86 00:04:28,034 --> 00:04:30,832 - ... on her son's only friend. A man named me. - I put a sock on the door. 87 00:04:31,037 --> 00:04:32,561 NICK: It was me. JESS: Yeah, I got that. 88 00:04:32,772 --> 00:04:35,332 NICK: People don't usually... JESS: I got it. 89 00:04:35,541 --> 00:04:39,773 College proved tough for Schmidt, and old patterns soon returned. 90 00:04:40,313 --> 00:04:44,010 It became impossible to study. I knew what I had to do. 91 00:04:44,217 --> 00:04:46,515 - And again, it worked. COMPUTER: New message. 92 00:04:46,719 --> 00:04:50,951 NICK: With Keaton in his corner, he pulled himself away from that bag of turkey... 93 00:04:51,157 --> 00:04:52,590 - ... and became a man. - One. 94 00:04:52,792 --> 00:04:54,384 NICK: He lost five pounds... - Two. 95 00:04:54,627 --> 00:04:57,187 ... gained confidence with women... 96 00:04:58,631 --> 00:05:01,623 ...and he saw the hit movie Multiplicity 25 times. 97 00:05:01,901 --> 00:05:04,563 Oh, my God. You've been catfishing Schmidt. 98 00:05:04,804 --> 00:05:07,534 Think we could use this Michael Keaton thing to turn Schmidt around? 99 00:05:07,740 --> 00:05:08,764 - Absolutely. - Great. 100 00:05:09,042 --> 00:05:10,703 - But I won't do it. - Why not? 101 00:05:10,943 --> 00:05:13,411 Because I put it to bed. Okay? It's over. 102 00:05:13,613 --> 00:05:16,776 He'll do anything Keaton says. The letters are too powerful. 103 00:05:16,983 --> 00:05:18,814 I'm lying to my best friend... 104 00:05:19,052 --> 00:05:22,044 ...and I feel I'm betraying the real Keaton, who I really love. 105 00:05:22,288 --> 00:05:24,381 Then why'd you tell me that story? 106 00:05:24,624 --> 00:05:27,388 Because it's a great story. And I'm a teller of stories... 107 00:05:27,593 --> 00:05:28,924 ...but I won't do it. Sorry. 108 00:05:29,162 --> 00:05:32,723 You think you tell that story better than me? But you leave out details. 109 00:05:32,932 --> 00:05:37,494 Don't just say he's chewing a candy bar, you say he's chewing a nougat-y candy bar. 110 00:05:37,704 --> 00:05:40,901 NICK: That's not the kind of writer I am. I don't say words like "nougat-y." 111 00:05:41,107 --> 00:05:43,769 I'm simple. I'm like Hemingway. 112 00:05:54,954 --> 00:05:57,514 - Hey, Cece. - Oh, hey. 113 00:05:57,724 --> 00:05:59,885 I came to find out if you're coming to my party. 114 00:06:00,093 --> 00:06:04,086 - You never answered my e-mail. - Yeah, I meant to, uh, tell you I can't make it. 115 00:06:04,297 --> 00:06:08,700 Sorry. I've been going out drinking a lot lately. It's kind of wiping me out. 116 00:06:11,537 --> 00:06:12,936 Please come to my party. 117 00:06:14,173 --> 00:06:16,971 - Schmidt. I don't think I'm ready for that. - Yeah. 118 00:06:17,210 --> 00:06:19,974 What if I could promise you Schmidt wouldn't be there? 119 00:06:27,387 --> 00:06:29,947 - Who wants candy? - Did you go trick-or-treating? 120 00:06:30,156 --> 00:06:33,956 I was out, I had my errand tote, and a couple of neighbors gave me candy. 121 00:06:34,160 --> 00:06:37,129 - Is that trick-or-treating? - The definition of trick-or-treating. 122 00:06:37,330 --> 00:06:39,230 Hello. Jess, I'd like you to know... 123 00:06:39,432 --> 00:06:41,992 ...I've changed my mind and I won't be coming. 124 00:06:42,235 --> 00:06:45,033 I've been e-mailing with an old friend of mine. 125 00:06:45,238 --> 00:06:47,638 He made me realize I should give Cece her space. 126 00:06:47,840 --> 00:06:49,705 - An old friend, huh? SCHMIDT: Well, Nick knows. 127 00:06:49,909 --> 00:06:53,845 I don't throw his name around because I don't like people treating me differently. 128 00:06:54,046 --> 00:06:57,140 - But it's Michael Keaton. - What? 129 00:06:58,251 --> 00:07:01,186 - Okay, calm down. - The actor? 130 00:07:01,387 --> 00:07:02,911 [LAUGHING] 131 00:07:03,122 --> 00:07:06,148 Don't treat me different. He's my friend, Michael Keaton. 132 00:07:06,726 --> 00:07:08,660 One time he said he was my best friend. 133 00:07:08,861 --> 00:07:12,422 We have so much catching up to do, me and Michael. Enjoy the night. 134 00:07:13,099 --> 00:07:14,623 - That's crazy, Schmidt. - Man. 135 00:07:16,669 --> 00:07:18,899 - What did you do? - Jessica, damn, Day. 136 00:07:19,172 --> 00:07:23,666 - I got Schmidt to not come to the party. - Keaton hasn't written in three years. 137 00:07:23,876 --> 00:07:26,003 We have no idea how Schmidt's gonna react. 138 00:07:26,446 --> 00:07:29,938 If Schmidt finds out Keaton isn't real, it'll destroy the life he's built. 139 00:07:30,183 --> 00:07:33,175 - We're talking a Truman Show situation. - Yeah, love that movie. 140 00:07:33,386 --> 00:07:34,876 What part are you talking about? 141 00:07:35,621 --> 00:07:40,388 I'm talking about the part when Truman realizes his whole life's a lie... 142 00:07:40,593 --> 00:07:44,051 ...and then he goes crazy. - Right there in the middle of the movie. 143 00:07:44,597 --> 00:07:48,226 - No, it's the whole movie. - Oh, yeah, because there's the one scene... 144 00:07:48,434 --> 00:07:50,959 - You haven't seen the movie. - He didn't. Okay, guys. 145 00:07:51,204 --> 00:07:54,571 He almost found out once. Now, luckily, I handled it. 146 00:07:54,841 --> 00:07:56,240 I don't understand. 147 00:07:56,476 --> 00:08:00,572 In 1995 he told me specifically that he'd never been to Nicaragua. 148 00:08:00,813 --> 00:08:02,940 It doesn't make any sense. 149 00:08:03,416 --> 00:08:05,316 You've no idea what you've done. 150 00:08:05,518 --> 00:08:08,749 Hey, you guys, do you think it's too early to e-mail Michael back? 151 00:08:08,955 --> 00:08:11,549 Should I send him an e-card? Does that change anything? 152 00:08:11,757 --> 00:08:13,918 - Or does that change everything? - You're overthinking. 153 00:08:14,126 --> 00:08:15,252 - You're right. - Be cool. 154 00:08:15,495 --> 00:08:17,053 - I think I'm too up here. JESS: Yeah. 155 00:08:17,263 --> 00:08:18,924 All upstairs. Gotta bring it down. 156 00:08:19,131 --> 00:08:21,759 Here to here. Nothing lower though. It's not like that. 157 00:08:22,001 --> 00:08:24,333 - I know it's not. - Bro, it's not like that. 158 00:08:24,604 --> 00:08:27,095 - I don't think that is, bro. SCHMIDT: Cool. 159 00:08:27,940 --> 00:08:30,204 He's already getting weird. No, no, Jess... 160 00:08:33,045 --> 00:08:35,707 - Come to the master. - What are you writing? 161 00:08:38,351 --> 00:08:40,819 I fix it, again. You're welcome, again. 162 00:08:41,053 --> 00:08:44,853 So you just wrote from Keaton, "I'm going on vacation." 163 00:08:45,992 --> 00:08:47,983 - He would never write that, Jess. - Why not? 164 00:08:48,261 --> 00:08:51,526 Vacation? Michael, you... You're going away? 165 00:08:52,965 --> 00:08:54,330 Knew this would happen. 166 00:08:56,502 --> 00:08:58,868 - Hey, Schmidt. - Schmidty. 167 00:08:59,138 --> 00:09:02,630 He left me again. It makes sense. 168 00:09:03,276 --> 00:09:06,006 Why would a guy like Michael Keaton be friends with me? 169 00:09:06,279 --> 00:09:08,372 I'm sure he likes you a lot, Schmidt. 170 00:09:08,648 --> 00:09:14,314 Why would he? Because I'll always be the fat boy who eats fat-boy cheese. 171 00:09:20,192 --> 00:09:21,489 [SCHMIDT WHIMPERING] 172 00:09:23,796 --> 00:09:25,889 I didn't wanna have to do this. 173 00:09:28,568 --> 00:09:31,128 Is that really necessary, Nick? 174 00:09:31,504 --> 00:09:33,972 Let him work. I'm kind of like his Robin. 175 00:09:34,206 --> 00:09:36,037 - You're not. - You wanna be Robin? 176 00:09:36,242 --> 00:09:39,234 He doesn't have the responsibilities of Batman, but he can take some glory. 177 00:09:39,445 --> 00:09:40,844 - Robin's ajoke. - Robin's the joke. 178 00:09:41,047 --> 00:09:44,210 - I think we can agree. - The kids look up to him in the community. 179 00:09:44,450 --> 00:09:48,853 I haven't been inside Keaton's mind in a long time and I need my inspiration. 180 00:09:49,255 --> 00:09:52,486 - Thank you. - Why do you have a picture of a bear? 181 00:09:52,692 --> 00:09:56,184 The great Michael Keaton attacks each new role... 182 00:09:56,395 --> 00:09:59,091 ...with the ferocity of a hungry brown bear. 183 00:09:59,365 --> 00:10:04,029 It's his entire acting philosophy, which I totally made up. 184 00:10:04,270 --> 00:10:06,932 - I sleep with this person. - Speak to me, Keaton. 185 00:10:09,008 --> 00:10:10,134 Mmm. 186 00:10:11,110 --> 00:10:12,441 Here we go. 187 00:10:16,716 --> 00:10:18,616 Hey, Nick, that's incredible. 188 00:10:18,851 --> 00:10:22,412 "Courage is not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it"? 189 00:10:22,622 --> 00:10:24,852 Yes, I stole that from Nelson Mandela. 190 00:10:25,057 --> 00:10:27,855 I added the part about the Penguin and the Riddler. 191 00:10:28,394 --> 00:10:30,225 [PHONE BEEPS] 192 00:10:30,429 --> 00:10:32,158 All right. 193 00:10:32,798 --> 00:10:33,787 [COMPUTER CHIMES] 194 00:10:34,000 --> 00:10:35,695 Is that him? Did it work? 195 00:10:36,002 --> 00:10:38,129 He wrote back "smiley face." 196 00:10:38,471 --> 00:10:41,406 - He wrote back "smiley face." - He wrote back "smiley face." 197 00:10:41,641 --> 00:10:42,938 [KNOCKING ON DOOR] 198 00:10:45,411 --> 00:10:48,380 KIDS: Trick or treat. - Oh, how adorable. 199 00:10:48,614 --> 00:10:49,842 I just got a treat too. 200 00:10:50,082 --> 00:10:53,415 It's not candy. I'm not a dumb little baby like all of you. 201 00:10:53,653 --> 00:10:56,850 Happy Hallows' Eve. Ha. 202 00:10:57,256 --> 00:10:58,348 And send. 203 00:10:58,557 --> 00:10:59,922 [LAPTOP CHIMES NEARBY] 204 00:11:00,126 --> 00:11:03,152 - Just give us our candy. - Hush, little boy. 205 00:11:04,964 --> 00:11:05,953 [PHONE BEEPS] 206 00:11:06,165 --> 00:11:07,462 [LAPTOP CHIMES NEARBY] 207 00:11:10,036 --> 00:11:11,560 He wrote back. 208 00:11:12,338 --> 00:11:13,896 - "Hi." - Okay, I got this. 209 00:11:14,106 --> 00:11:16,404 Speak to me, old chum. 210 00:11:16,609 --> 00:11:20,875 I canceled my trip to provide earthquake relief. This seemed more important. 211 00:11:21,080 --> 00:11:22,672 JESS: Good. WINSTON: Yeah, pretty good. 212 00:11:22,915 --> 00:11:26,078 JESS: You really have the Keaton voice down. NICK: You're a friend for life. 213 00:11:26,285 --> 00:11:28,651 JESS: That's good. I think that's good. NICK: M.K. 214 00:11:28,921 --> 00:11:30,889 NICK: I think that's really good. JESS: Yeah. 215 00:11:33,793 --> 00:11:37,456 Hi, welcome, happy Halloween. Drinks are over there. 216 00:11:37,697 --> 00:11:39,665 - Hey. - Hi. 217 00:11:41,167 --> 00:11:43,965 - What are you supposed to be? - I'm Joey Ramona Quimby. 218 00:11:44,670 --> 00:11:48,367 - I don't get it. - Joey Ramon-a... 219 00:11:48,574 --> 00:11:49,802 ...Quimby. 220 00:11:50,009 --> 00:11:51,738 [LAUGHS] 221 00:11:51,944 --> 00:11:54,913 What are you? You look like you're wearing trash from your car. 222 00:11:55,147 --> 00:12:00,050 No, I'm not. I'm the paper mountain trash... I just got trash from my car. 223 00:12:00,252 --> 00:12:03,813 The man who once played center for the New York Knicks in the nude... 224 00:12:04,023 --> 00:12:06,218 ...David Letterman. 225 00:12:06,492 --> 00:12:08,460 - That is a terrible Letterman. - Really? 226 00:12:08,661 --> 00:12:10,561 People at work tell me I look like Dave. 227 00:12:10,996 --> 00:12:15,160 - You look just like Letterman. - You know, I've always thought that. 228 00:12:15,568 --> 00:12:20,369 What, uh...? What, Nick...? Nick Miller. So you got... You're... 229 00:12:20,606 --> 00:12:22,733 [CHUCKLING] 230 00:12:22,942 --> 00:12:26,343 - What's that? He's never done that. - That's his laugh. 231 00:12:26,579 --> 00:12:28,513 SCHMIDT: Do you like my costume? 232 00:12:30,883 --> 00:12:32,714 I'm a public serpent. 233 00:12:32,985 --> 00:12:36,182 - Um, I thought you weren't coming. - I changed my mind. 234 00:12:36,388 --> 00:12:40,256 I reread a few of Keaton's e-mails. He can be quite cryptic... 235 00:12:40,526 --> 00:12:43,927 ...and I think what he meant when he said that life was meaningful... 236 00:12:44,130 --> 00:12:45,825 ...was really "go to the party." 237 00:12:46,065 --> 00:12:49,557 - I'm pretty sure he didn't mean that. - I know Keaton best. 238 00:12:49,802 --> 00:12:52,896 By the way, great costume. Maya Angelou. 239 00:12:54,607 --> 00:12:57,041 Crap. What am I gonna do? Cece's on her way. 240 00:12:57,276 --> 00:13:01,269 Schmidt is rereading e-mails. You know what happens after rereading? 241 00:13:01,514 --> 00:13:03,505 Figuring it out. It's The Truman Show. 242 00:13:03,716 --> 00:13:06,742 - Truman Show. Love that movie. - I'm not convinced you've seen it. 243 00:13:06,952 --> 00:13:08,783 I have. It's about the Civil War. 244 00:13:09,054 --> 00:13:11,022 - Batcave? - Go, go, go. 245 00:13:14,160 --> 00:13:15,718 Winston, go to Cece's and stall. 246 00:13:15,961 --> 00:13:19,692 Okay, fine, but I gotta hit the king of the late night talk show's room first. 247 00:13:19,899 --> 00:13:22,094 Slow down on that. You're not great with booze. 248 00:13:22,301 --> 00:13:23,768 - Hey, I got it. - Good. 249 00:13:24,036 --> 00:13:26,766 You're in grave danger. Leave where you are immediately. 250 00:13:26,972 --> 00:13:28,439 - Send. - Did you just send that? 251 00:13:28,641 --> 00:13:30,131 - Yeah. - A team has to talk... 252 00:13:30,342 --> 00:13:32,776 ...before you send. - I thought it was a good move. 253 00:13:33,579 --> 00:13:36,013 KID: Trick or treat! - Shh! 254 00:13:36,215 --> 00:13:37,512 NICK: All right, we gotta fix this. 255 00:13:38,083 --> 00:13:41,541 - I'll meet you at your building in 30 minutes. - Terrible. 256 00:13:41,754 --> 00:13:44,279 - Send. - No! Now what are we gonna do? 257 00:13:44,490 --> 00:13:46,458 - You told him Keaton's coming? - No, Nick. 258 00:13:46,659 --> 00:13:50,425 It's a stall. It's a stall until we can come up with a better plan. 259 00:13:50,629 --> 00:13:51,596 [KNOCKING ON DOOR] 260 00:13:51,797 --> 00:13:53,594 - Who the hell is that? - I don't know. 261 00:13:54,500 --> 00:13:55,831 KIDS: Trick or treat. 262 00:13:57,670 --> 00:13:59,160 You. 263 00:14:00,973 --> 00:14:03,840 I don't get what you're doing. Are you drunk? 264 00:14:05,644 --> 00:14:07,407 - A little. - What's your end game here? 265 00:14:07,613 --> 00:14:09,410 It's Halloween night. 266 00:14:09,648 --> 00:14:14,779 This is the night when anyone can dress up in any costume and be anyone they want. 267 00:14:15,020 --> 00:14:17,784 Would you listen to your woman voice for one second? 268 00:14:18,023 --> 00:14:20,992 You think I'm gonna talk to him in a woman voice when I talk? 269 00:14:21,193 --> 00:14:22,455 No, I have a character. 270 00:14:22,695 --> 00:14:25,459 You're doing a character? Well, I'd love to hear it. 271 00:14:26,332 --> 00:14:27,697 I'm the Batman. 272 00:14:27,900 --> 00:14:28,992 [LAUGHING] 273 00:14:29,201 --> 00:14:32,500 - Right? - Am I in the movie theater eating popcorn? 274 00:14:34,740 --> 00:14:36,367 Jess, you're also 5'4". 275 00:14:36,609 --> 00:14:39,442 Keep going. The further away, the bigger you look. 276 00:14:39,678 --> 00:14:41,373 - I would say run a little bit. SCHMIDT: Nick! 277 00:14:41,580 --> 00:14:43,514 Jess, go! Go... 278 00:14:43,816 --> 00:14:47,843 Hey, Nick. By chance, have you seen anyone famous in the vicinity? 279 00:14:48,120 --> 00:14:50,987 This vicinity? Famous? Like, um... 280 00:14:51,523 --> 00:14:52,581 Look that way. 281 00:14:53,058 --> 00:14:54,491 What? 282 00:14:57,563 --> 00:14:59,827 - Oh, my God. - Yeah, it's unbelievable. 283 00:15:02,768 --> 00:15:04,133 - Well, it's my hero. - Yeah. 284 00:15:04,370 --> 00:15:06,497 - That is Michael Keaton. - Right there. 285 00:15:08,941 --> 00:15:11,739 Why is he wearing his costume from a movie 24 years ago? 286 00:15:11,944 --> 00:15:14,845 If he wore one from Clean and Sober, you wouldn't recognize him. 287 00:15:15,047 --> 00:15:17,982 - I'm the Batman. - It's Halloween. Don't overthink it. 288 00:15:18,183 --> 00:15:20,242 Well, you saw him. Let's get out of here. 289 00:15:20,452 --> 00:15:22,249 - I have to meet him. - No, you don't. 290 00:15:22,521 --> 00:15:25,354 - You're a great kid, Schmidt. - Let me take you out to eat. 291 00:15:25,557 --> 00:15:26,888 I want to buy you something. 292 00:15:27,159 --> 00:15:30,253 - Go to an all-night diner. - I've got to meet him. 293 00:15:30,462 --> 00:15:33,829 - It's Michael Keaton! - Go get a blintz or two. 294 00:15:34,266 --> 00:15:37,565 - Michael! It's me, Schmidt. - See you later, Michael. Take off! 295 00:15:37,803 --> 00:15:41,830 - We have so much to talk about! - Heroes are never who we want them to be. 296 00:15:45,110 --> 00:15:47,670 You met him. It's Keaton. 297 00:15:47,880 --> 00:15:49,575 Come on, you guys. I know. 298 00:15:50,416 --> 00:15:52,941 I've known the whole time. Do you think I'm stupid? 299 00:15:53,218 --> 00:15:56,016 No, I just don't really know what to say. 300 00:15:56,221 --> 00:16:00,681 - Please don't blame Nick. It's not his fault. - You should be ashamed of yourselves. 301 00:16:00,926 --> 00:16:06,023 How dare you hack into the e-mail account of one of our nation's finest actors? 302 00:16:08,267 --> 00:16:10,292 I'm gonna have to tell Michael about this. 303 00:16:10,502 --> 00:16:14,233 No, no, no. Don't tell Michael. 304 00:16:14,473 --> 00:16:16,202 Jess, please stop. 305 00:16:16,608 --> 00:16:19,236 Thank you for what you're trying to do, but it's over. 306 00:16:19,445 --> 00:16:21,811 It has to be over. 307 00:16:22,414 --> 00:16:25,611 Schmidt, I'm Michael Keaton. 308 00:16:27,353 --> 00:16:31,915 I'm the owner of the email address KeatonPotatoes@aol.com. 309 00:16:32,624 --> 00:16:34,114 What? 310 00:16:34,960 --> 00:16:37,929 It was me the whole time. 311 00:16:38,330 --> 00:16:41,265 No. I can't... 312 00:16:41,467 --> 00:16:44,595 How do you think I know you kissed the bus driver at spring break? 313 00:16:44,803 --> 00:16:48,762 Or that you want to open up a glassware boutique in Connecticut? 314 00:16:49,108 --> 00:16:50,405 Or about the wall hole? 315 00:16:50,642 --> 00:16:53,270 Impossible. I've been writing with him since I was a kid. 316 00:16:53,512 --> 00:16:56,447 Your mother came up with the idea, Schmidt. 317 00:16:56,648 --> 00:16:59,742 - But since college, it's been me. - My mom? 318 00:17:01,186 --> 00:17:04,622 My mom helped me with my public erections? I drew pictures! 319 00:17:04,857 --> 00:17:07,121 We didn't want you to find out this way. 320 00:17:10,362 --> 00:17:11,920 Hey. 321 00:17:15,467 --> 00:17:17,526 - I gotta go. - Wait. Schmidt! 322 00:17:18,704 --> 00:17:21,104 - Oh, I'm so, so sorry. KID: A bully! Get him! 323 00:17:21,306 --> 00:17:22,603 SCHMIDT: Oh, goodness! 324 00:17:22,808 --> 00:17:25,936 NICK: Come on. Hey, get out of here. Scat, scat! 325 00:17:26,145 --> 00:17:27,134 WINSTON: Back up! 326 00:17:31,183 --> 00:17:35,313 Cece, wait. I swear I did not know he was gonna be here. I'm so sorry. 327 00:17:35,554 --> 00:17:39,490 No, Jess. It's fine. Okay? It's fine. In fact... 328 00:17:40,092 --> 00:17:41,957 ...it's actually kind of perfect. 329 00:17:42,161 --> 00:17:45,858 I think since this whole thing went down, I've just been running away. 330 00:17:46,098 --> 00:17:50,694 You know? I mean, actually seeing Schmidt, I... 331 00:17:51,103 --> 00:17:53,537 I finally feel like I have some closure. 332 00:17:53,939 --> 00:17:57,306 Well, good. I'm glad. You deserve some. 333 00:18:00,012 --> 00:18:05,006 So let's fire up the Batman-mobile, go to a taco stand and eat some feelings, okay? 334 00:18:05,417 --> 00:18:07,476 Okay, I just... I think it's Batmobile. 335 00:18:07,719 --> 00:18:10,085 - Batman-mobile. - No. 336 00:18:10,322 --> 00:18:13,348 - Batmobile. - That's what I said. Batman-mobile. 337 00:18:13,592 --> 00:18:17,323 - There's no "man." It's just Batmobile. - Batman-mobile. 338 00:18:17,563 --> 00:18:20,726 - Batmobile. Drop the "man." - Batman-mobile. 339 00:18:21,400 --> 00:18:23,061 Batmobile. 340 00:18:23,936 --> 00:18:25,198 Batmo-mobile. 341 00:18:26,438 --> 00:18:29,930 So it was you who helped me through my first breakup with Elizabeth? 342 00:18:31,210 --> 00:18:32,677 Yes, Schmidt. 343 00:18:32,911 --> 00:18:34,708 And it was you... 344 00:18:34,913 --> 00:18:39,009 ...not Keaton, who told me that women aren't attracted to men in maternity pants? 345 00:18:39,418 --> 00:18:42,182 Yes, but that one I feel like I shouldn't have had to. 346 00:18:42,588 --> 00:18:44,920 They're unbelievably comfortable. 347 00:18:45,424 --> 00:18:49,053 What about that time that we saw Michael Keaton at that deli? 348 00:18:49,294 --> 00:18:51,922 He stopped and he winked. 349 00:18:52,131 --> 00:18:56,761 Honestly, I can't explain that one. It was just the weirdest day of my whole life. 350 00:18:57,136 --> 00:18:59,229 My friend Michael. 351 00:19:00,372 --> 00:19:05,105 Schmidt. I know this is hard, okay? 352 00:19:05,377 --> 00:19:07,902 But, honestly, I was just trying to help. 353 00:19:09,114 --> 00:19:12,015 You don't need Keaton. You got me. 354 00:19:12,217 --> 00:19:13,514 [SCHMIDT GROANS] 355 00:19:14,786 --> 00:19:16,845 - What was that? - I'm so sorry. 356 00:19:17,289 --> 00:19:19,223 Why would you say something like that? 357 00:19:19,458 --> 00:19:22,086 I hurt you, and I've been wanting to fix this for years. 358 00:19:22,294 --> 00:19:25,161 The end of a high-school football movie? 359 00:19:25,430 --> 00:19:29,958 I'm really sorry I pretended to be Keaton for the last 12 years. It's super weird. 360 00:19:31,537 --> 00:19:33,004 Are we good? 361 00:19:35,007 --> 00:19:38,238 Yeah. We're good. 362 00:19:46,451 --> 00:19:48,942 Well, Nicholas. I came to a decision last night. 363 00:19:49,154 --> 00:19:52,521 I'm entering a new chapter in my life, and think it best I do it alone. 364 00:19:52,724 --> 00:19:54,453 Going to a weekend spa again, buddy? 365 00:19:54,660 --> 00:19:57,390 No. In the famous words of singer-songwriter Billy Joel... 366 00:19:57,629 --> 00:19:58,687 - Don't. - I'm moving out. 367 00:19:58,964 --> 00:20:00,022 You're the worst. 368 00:20:00,299 --> 00:20:02,597 - I thought you said we were good. - We're great. 369 00:20:02,834 --> 00:20:04,301 I'm going. Two separate things. 370 00:20:04,503 --> 00:20:07,165 Made the call this morning. I got a new place. I'm out. 371 00:20:07,439 --> 00:20:09,634 - You're not going anywhere. - I'm going. 372 00:20:09,875 --> 00:20:12,537 Goodness. I think somebody had sex in my room last night. 373 00:20:12,744 --> 00:20:16,180 I think that because they're still in there having sex, I think. 374 00:20:17,449 --> 00:20:19,041 Going to a weekend spa again? 375 00:20:19,318 --> 00:20:21,786 - No, striking out on my own. JESS: Wait, what? 376 00:20:22,020 --> 00:20:24,545 - Moving out? He's not moving out? - You can't move out. 377 00:20:24,756 --> 00:20:27,520 - Who's gonna do my fades? - Yeah. Who's gonna do his fades? 378 00:20:29,161 --> 00:20:31,220 I believe this is mine. 379 00:20:32,564 --> 00:20:34,930 Well, I bid you all adieu. 380 00:20:35,167 --> 00:20:38,136 - Stop it, Schmidt. - Schmidt, come on. 381 00:20:38,370 --> 00:20:39,530 NICK: Stop with the show. 382 00:20:39,738 --> 00:20:42,366 JESS: You can't even fit all your socks in that suitcase. 383 00:20:42,574 --> 00:20:46,340 Get your last looks because who knows when we'll see each other again. 384 00:20:46,912 --> 00:20:48,539 Or where. 385 00:20:55,354 --> 00:20:58,255 Wait, you're just moving in across the hall? 386 00:20:58,523 --> 00:21:00,582 I can't hear you because I'm gone. 387 00:21:00,792 --> 00:21:03,989 It would take me longer to walk from the kitchen to the bathroom... 388 00:21:04,196 --> 00:21:06,426 ...than it would from here to where you are. 389 00:21:06,632 --> 00:21:08,532 You are kidding me. 390 00:21:08,767 --> 00:21:10,735 - I can see your feet. - Me too. 391 00:21:11,003 --> 00:21:12,095 SCHMIDT: Shut up! 392 00:21:12,304 --> 00:21:14,101 NICK: Guy's an idiot. 393 00:21:14,873 --> 00:21:16,864 JESS: See you tomorrow, Schmidt. 394 00:21:18,877 --> 00:21:21,004 I'm alone. I'm alone! 395 00:21:21,246 --> 00:21:24,113 I'm alone. I'm alone. 396 00:21:29,521 --> 00:21:31,386 Score a touch...! 397 00:21:33,592 --> 00:21:35,856 Yeah. Shut up, Winston. 398 00:21:36,561 --> 00:21:38,892 Stupid jerk! Ripped By mstoll