1 00:00:20,241 --> 00:00:21,604 Hey, what took you so long? 2 00:00:21,629 --> 00:00:24,135 - Come on in. - Hey. No, no. Why are we having a secret meeting in an empty loft? 3 00:00:24,164 --> 00:00:25,927 Because I don't want Schmidt to find us. 4 00:00:25,955 --> 00:00:28,227 - It's creepy, right? - I know, right? 5 00:00:28,247 --> 00:00:30,938 - Yeah, it is. - This place gives me the willies, man. 6 00:00:30,975 --> 00:00:32,507 Do you know why they can't keep a tenant in here? 7 00:00:32,530 --> 00:00:35,350 - Why? - Because Mrs. Beverly died on the toilet. 8 00:00:35,356 --> 00:00:37,428 And to come here on Halloween...? 9 00:00:37,734 --> 00:00:39,576 - Seems risky. - What's risky? 10 00:00:39,612 --> 00:00:40,876 The ghost situation. 11 00:00:40,901 --> 00:00:43,039 I brought you guys in here to talk about Schmidt. 12 00:00:43,056 --> 00:00:44,780 I'm really worried about him. 13 00:00:44,813 --> 00:00:48,532 He hasn't been to work for three days. He just sits on the couch eating cold cuts 14 00:00:48,559 --> 00:00:50,945 and yelling at the news about how nothing matters. 15 00:00:50,966 --> 00:00:53,229 - It's a problem. - Right. Be honest, it's a real problem. 16 00:00:53,247 --> 00:00:54,957 He's just going through a whole thing, you know? 17 00:00:54,981 --> 00:00:56,942 The Cece-Elizabeth breakup has gotten to him. 18 00:00:56,967 --> 00:00:59,746 Right now he is completely unhinged. 19 00:01:00,901 --> 00:01:02,356 - Y'all feel that? - What is going on? 20 00:01:02,368 --> 00:01:04,636 Not saying there's a ghost, but I felt a weird breeze go through my body, 21 00:01:04,670 --> 00:01:06,302 - that's all I'm saying. - There's no ghost. 22 00:01:06,317 --> 00:01:08,717 Guys, I can't believe I'm saying this, but... 23 00:01:08,741 --> 00:01:10,516 I miss the old Schmidt. 24 00:01:10,707 --> 00:01:12,638 I want him to be happy again. 25 00:01:12,654 --> 00:01:15,373 He's crumbling before our very eyes. 26 00:01:15,454 --> 00:01:19,348 And I'm having a party tonight, and I just can't have him lying on the couch, 27 00:01:19,376 --> 00:01:21,512 wiping his tears with deli meat. 28 00:01:21,560 --> 00:01:24,385 - I'll talk to him, okay? - Thank you. 29 00:01:24,420 --> 00:01:27,970 People get weird with breakups. Trust me, I got this. 30 00:01:28,045 --> 00:01:30,394 - You got this. - That was Winston. 31 00:01:30,414 --> 00:01:32,373 - Was that you or was that in here, dude? - That was... 32 00:01:32,397 --> 00:01:34,373 Don't do that! 33 00:01:35,859 --> 00:01:38,485 Oh, come on, Obama. 34 00:01:38,674 --> 00:01:41,008 Tanks pull in, tanks pull out. 35 00:01:41,031 --> 00:01:44,306 Babies are born, old people die. 36 00:01:44,775 --> 00:01:47,921 And yet the world keeps spinning and spinning and spinning, 37 00:01:47,937 --> 00:01:49,901 and one day, it stops. 38 00:01:49,988 --> 00:01:54,620 And then what? You want... you want to talk about... health care? 39 00:01:57,050 --> 00:01:58,213 That's mayo, buddy. 40 00:02:01,484 --> 00:02:03,452 Yeah, I don't got this. 41 00:02:05,869 --> 00:02:07,308 ♪ Who's that girl? 42 00:02:07,323 --> 00:02:09,691 ♪ Who's that girl? ♪ ♪ It's Jess. 43 00:02:09,710 --> 00:02:12,210 Season 3, Episode 6 "Keaton" 44 00:02:12,237 --> 00:02:14,737 Sync & corrections: Reef www.addic7ed.com Resync for WEB-DL by Norther 45 00:02:15,922 --> 00:02:18,147 - ♪ Pumpkining... - You're really good at that. 46 00:02:18,167 --> 00:02:20,817 Thanks, man. Yeah. What are you carving there? 47 00:02:20,867 --> 00:02:22,648 - It's a pumpkin. - Oh, look at that. That's beautiful. 48 00:02:22,666 --> 00:02:25,205 - My pumpkin! - Pumpkin doesn't matter. 49 00:02:25,335 --> 00:02:28,686 Hey. I just wanted to talk to you, um... 50 00:02:29,103 --> 00:02:32,391 - About my party tonight. - You don't want me to come to the party? 51 00:02:32,932 --> 00:02:34,302 No, no, no, no, no, no. 52 00:02:34,317 --> 00:02:35,755 Jess, do you not want me to come to your party? 53 00:02:35,780 --> 00:02:38,593 - No. I... No. - Doesn't matter. 54 00:02:38,668 --> 00:02:41,621 I wouldn't go if I weren't throwing it, you know? 55 00:02:41,637 --> 00:02:43,350 It's, like, more of a business-networking... 56 00:02:43,362 --> 00:02:45,338 It's not a big deal at all. I just won't come. 57 00:02:45,359 --> 00:02:48,448 I'll stay at home, and... I'll just hang out in my costume. 58 00:02:48,599 --> 00:02:50,888 Oh, wait a minute. 59 00:02:51,559 --> 00:02:53,609 Your home is my home. 60 00:02:57,499 --> 00:02:59,097 See you at the party. 61 00:02:59,119 --> 00:03:02,000 - What the hell? - He's a total maniac. 62 00:03:02,095 --> 00:03:04,856 Well, you know what, Jess? He doesn't get like this often. 63 00:03:05,272 --> 00:03:08,622 But when he does, oh, there is an option. 64 00:03:09,024 --> 00:03:11,391 Nick, I think it's time for Schmidt 65 00:03:11,411 --> 00:03:13,449 - to get a letter from an old friend. - No, no, no, no, no, no. 66 00:03:13,468 --> 00:03:15,247 - What old friend? - Forget you heard anything. 67 00:03:15,272 --> 00:03:16,335 - What old friend? - Nothing, J... 68 00:03:16,363 --> 00:03:17,617 - We need him, Nick. - No, we don't. 69 00:03:17,639 --> 00:03:19,118 - We got to bring him back. - Bring who back? 70 00:03:19,124 --> 00:03:21,629 - Winston, don't do this! - Guys, does nobody listen to me?! 71 00:03:21,649 --> 00:03:22,968 - ...without him! - Who is he? 72 00:03:23,704 --> 00:03:26,017 - Michael Keaton. - You stupid... 73 00:03:26,043 --> 00:03:29,327 Michael Keaton, the actor? The Batman? 74 00:03:29,348 --> 00:03:30,668 Nick, are you gonna tell her, or should I? 75 00:03:30,680 --> 00:03:33,446 - I'm not telling her. - Fine. I'll do it. 76 00:03:33,490 --> 00:03:36,181 - You will? - When Schmidt was seven years old... 77 00:03:36,511 --> 00:03:40,002 You're a terrible storyteller. I'll just do it myself, I guess. 78 00:03:42,737 --> 00:03:46,099 When Schmidt was seven years old, his daddy divorced his mommy... 79 00:03:46,839 --> 00:03:50,283 And Schmidt was left without the love of a father. 80 00:03:50,453 --> 00:03:52,028 He didn't take it well. 81 00:03:52,054 --> 00:03:55,061 He began an endless cycle of crying and chocolate. 82 00:03:55,098 --> 00:03:59,442 Mrs. Schmidt tried everything to cheer him up, but nothing worked. 83 00:03:59,977 --> 00:04:03,913 Desperate, she looked to the stars. Movie stars. 84 00:04:03,929 --> 00:04:08,114 Mrs. Schmidt wrote that little fat loser a letter of support from the star 85 00:04:08,133 --> 00:04:09,995 of his favorite movie, Batman. 86 00:04:10,013 --> 00:04:13,648 But not the confusing new one. The good one, with Michael Keaton. 87 00:04:15,190 --> 00:04:19,358 And when Schmidt got his disgusting chubby hands on Keaton's letter, 88 00:04:19,377 --> 00:04:21,070 his life changed forever. 89 00:04:21,102 --> 00:04:21,956 Yes! 90 00:04:21,975 --> 00:04:24,044 But the real trouble was just beginning. 91 00:04:24,057 --> 00:04:27,296 You see, Schmidt wrote back. And he kept writing back 92 00:04:27,302 --> 00:04:31,305 about any problem he faced: bullies, schoolwork, 93 00:04:31,434 --> 00:04:33,226 public erections. 94 00:04:33,554 --> 00:04:36,885 And for every letter he sent, Michael Keaton sent one back. 95 00:04:36,910 --> 00:04:39,235 Was Winston's version shorter? 96 00:04:39,396 --> 00:04:42,423 Then one day, that tubby goon went off to college. 97 00:04:42,476 --> 00:04:46,179 So Mrs. Schmidt unloaded the secret on her son's only friend, 98 00:04:46,198 --> 00:04:48,336 a man named me. It was me. 99 00:04:48,355 --> 00:04:50,228 - Yeah, I got that. - Really? People don't... 100 00:04:50,246 --> 00:04:51,979 No, I got it. 101 00:04:52,309 --> 00:04:56,003 College proved tough for Schmidt, and old patterns soon returned. 102 00:04:57,233 --> 00:05:01,069 It became impossible to study, and I knew what I had to do. 103 00:05:01,205 --> 00:05:02,668 - And again... - New message. 104 00:05:02,692 --> 00:05:03,736 ...It worked. 105 00:05:03,755 --> 00:05:07,840 With Keaton in his corner, he pulled himself away from that bag of turkey 106 00:05:07,858 --> 00:05:09,457 - ...and became a man. - One... 107 00:05:09,469 --> 00:05:13,332 He lost five pounds, gained confidence with women... 108 00:05:15,168 --> 00:05:17,059 ...and he saw the hit movie Multiplicity... 109 00:05:17,078 --> 00:05:19,365 - 25 times. - Oh, my God. 110 00:05:19,396 --> 00:05:21,371 You've been cat fishing Schmidt. 111 00:05:21,398 --> 00:05:23,216 Do you think we could use this whole Michael Keaton thing 112 00:05:23,228 --> 00:05:25,098 - ...to turn Schmidt around? - Absolutely. 113 00:05:25,110 --> 00:05:26,686 - Great! - But I won't do it. 114 00:05:26,722 --> 00:05:29,407 - Why not? - Because I put it to bed, okay? 115 00:05:29,428 --> 00:05:31,863 It's over. He'll do anything Keaton says. 116 00:05:31,875 --> 00:05:33,532 The letters are too powerful. 117 00:05:33,563 --> 00:05:35,706 I'm lying to my best friend. 118 00:05:35,730 --> 00:05:38,781 And I also feel like I'm betraying the real Keaton, who I really love. 119 00:05:38,799 --> 00:05:41,154 Well, then why did you tell me that whole story, Nick? 120 00:05:41,172 --> 00:05:43,896 Because it's a great story, and I'm a teller of stories. 121 00:05:43,960 --> 00:05:45,932 But I won't do it. Sorry. 122 00:05:45,957 --> 00:05:47,651 You think you tell that story better than me? 123 00:05:47,669 --> 00:05:49,381 Look, you leave out way too many details, man. 124 00:05:49,406 --> 00:05:51,061 You don't just say he was chewing a candy bar. 125 00:05:51,086 --> 00:05:54,338 You say he was chewing on a nougat-y candy bar. 126 00:05:54,352 --> 00:05:57,408 That's not the kind of writer I am. I don't say words like "nougat-y." 127 00:05:57,433 --> 00:05:59,907 I'm simple. I'm like Hemingway. 128 00:06:11,738 --> 00:06:14,268 - Hey, Cece. - Oh, hey. 129 00:06:14,293 --> 00:06:16,419 I came to find out if you're coming to my party today. 130 00:06:16,424 --> 00:06:17,969 You never answered my e-mail. 131 00:06:18,012 --> 00:06:20,831 Yeah, I meant to, uh... to tell you I can't make it. 132 00:06:20,893 --> 00:06:22,074 Sorry. Um... 133 00:06:22,086 --> 00:06:26,214 I've been going out drinking a lot lately. It's kind of wiping me out. 134 00:06:28,102 --> 00:06:30,337 Please come to my party, Cece. 135 00:06:30,890 --> 00:06:33,790 - It's Schmidt, you know? I don't think I'm ready for that, so... - Yeah. 136 00:06:33,851 --> 00:06:37,449 What if I could promise you Schmidt wouldn't be there? 137 00:06:44,198 --> 00:06:46,300 - Who wants candy? - Did you go trick-or-treating? 138 00:06:46,318 --> 00:06:50,884 No. I was out, I had my errand tote, and a couple of neighbors gave me candy. 139 00:06:50,921 --> 00:06:51,927 Is that trick-or-treating? 140 00:06:51,944 --> 00:06:53,863 Yes, that's the definition of trick-or-treating, Jess. 141 00:06:53,880 --> 00:06:56,758 Hello! Uh, Jess, I'd like you to know that I've changed my mind, 142 00:06:56,776 --> 00:06:58,850 and I won't be coming to your party tonight. 143 00:06:58,869 --> 00:07:02,919 I've been e-mailing with an old friend of mine, and he made me realize 144 00:07:02,930 --> 00:07:05,110 - ...that I should give Cece her space. - An old friend, huh? 145 00:07:05,140 --> 00:07:07,849 Well, Nick knows. You know, I don't like to throw his name around 146 00:07:07,865 --> 00:07:10,494 because I don't like people treating me any differently, but... 147 00:07:10,596 --> 00:07:11,766 It's Michael Keaton. 148 00:07:11,796 --> 00:07:14,018 What?! 149 00:07:14,710 --> 00:07:16,763 Uh, okay. Calm down. 150 00:07:16,784 --> 00:07:19,619 The actor?! 151 00:07:19,708 --> 00:07:21,629 Seriously, you guys. Don't treat me any different. 152 00:07:21,652 --> 00:07:23,462 He's kind of my friend. Michael Keaton. 153 00:07:23,487 --> 00:07:25,582 There was one time he e-mailed me. He said he was my best friend. 154 00:07:25,661 --> 00:07:29,630 Anyway, we have so much catching up to do, me and Michael, so just enjoy the night. 155 00:07:29,653 --> 00:07:31,988 - That's crazy, Schmidt. - Ah, man. 156 00:07:33,420 --> 00:07:35,743 - What did you do? - Jessica Damn Day. 157 00:07:35,766 --> 00:07:37,772 I just got Schmidt to not come to the party. 158 00:07:37,791 --> 00:07:40,472 Keaton hasn't written Schmidt in three years. 159 00:07:40,494 --> 00:07:43,150 We have no idea how Schmidt is gonna react. 160 00:07:43,190 --> 00:07:44,548 If Schmidt finds out Keaton isn't real, 161 00:07:44,563 --> 00:07:46,717 it'll destroy the entire life he has built around him. 162 00:07:46,729 --> 00:07:49,042 We are talking about a Truman Show situation. 163 00:07:49,063 --> 00:07:51,973 Oh, yeah, I love that movie. What part are you talking about? 164 00:07:52,380 --> 00:07:54,274 Well, I'm talking about the part in the movie 165 00:07:54,305 --> 00:07:58,194 when Truman realizes that his whole life is a lie, and then he goes crazy. 166 00:07:58,216 --> 00:08:01,130 Yeah, yeah, yeah, right there in the middle of the movie. 167 00:08:01,356 --> 00:08:02,738 No, it's the whole movie. 168 00:08:02,751 --> 00:08:04,504 Oh, yeah, I know, I was just... 'cause there's the one... 169 00:08:04,538 --> 00:08:05,953 - There's like a scene. - You haven't seen it. 170 00:08:05,972 --> 00:08:09,591 He didn't see the movie. Okay, guys, he almost found out once. 171 00:08:09,713 --> 00:08:11,318 Now, luckily, I handled it. 172 00:08:11,736 --> 00:08:13,074 I don't understand. 173 00:08:13,085 --> 00:08:17,111 In 1995, he told me specifically that he had never been to Nicaragua. 174 00:08:17,341 --> 00:08:19,571 - It doesn't make any sense. - Aah! 175 00:08:19,908 --> 00:08:21,887 You have no idea what you've done. 176 00:08:22,127 --> 00:08:25,830 Hey, uh, you guys, do you think that it's too early to e-mail Michael back? 177 00:08:25,851 --> 00:08:27,081 Should I send him an e-card? 178 00:08:27,106 --> 00:08:29,415 Does that change anything, or does that change everything? 179 00:08:29,432 --> 00:08:30,964 - I think you're overthinking it. - You know what? 180 00:08:30,981 --> 00:08:32,212 - You're right. You're right. - Be cool. 181 00:08:32,230 --> 00:08:34,598 I think I'm way too up here, all upstairs. 182 00:08:34,624 --> 00:08:36,787 Got to bring it down... here to here. 183 00:08:36,917 --> 00:08:38,480 Not any lower, though. It's not like that. 184 00:08:38,492 --> 00:08:40,944 - I know it's not. - Bro, it's not like that. 185 00:08:40,969 --> 00:08:42,675 - No one thinks it is, bro. - Cool. 186 00:08:42,721 --> 00:08:44,455 All right. 187 00:08:44,583 --> 00:08:45,896 He's already getting weird. 188 00:08:45,914 --> 00:08:47,812 - Here. - No, Je... 189 00:08:48,875 --> 00:08:50,744 You... come to the master. 190 00:08:50,772 --> 00:08:52,526 What are you writing? 191 00:08:55,041 --> 00:08:57,675 I fixed it again. You're welcome again. 192 00:08:57,698 --> 00:08:59,773 So you just wrote from Keaton, 193 00:08:59,994 --> 00:09:02,171 "I'm going on vacation"? 194 00:09:02,291 --> 00:09:04,161 He would never write that, Jess. 195 00:09:04,195 --> 00:09:06,120 - Why not? - Vacation?! 196 00:09:06,167 --> 00:09:08,823 Oh, Michael, you... stop going away. 197 00:09:09,552 --> 00:09:11,681 I knew this would happen. 198 00:09:13,159 --> 00:09:15,741 - Hey, Schmidt. - Schmidty. 199 00:09:16,085 --> 00:09:17,735 He left me again. 200 00:09:17,909 --> 00:09:19,668 It makes sense. 201 00:09:20,043 --> 00:09:22,786 Why would a guy like Michael Keaton be friends with me anyway? 202 00:09:22,815 --> 00:09:25,250 I'm sure he likes you a lot, Schmidt. 203 00:09:25,283 --> 00:09:26,858 Why would he? 204 00:09:27,107 --> 00:09:31,222 I guess I'll just always be the fat boy who eats fat-boy cheese. 205 00:09:40,510 --> 00:09:42,510 I didn't want to have to do this. 206 00:09:45,382 --> 00:09:47,182 Oh, is that really necessary, Nick? 207 00:09:47,201 --> 00:09:48,344 - Shh. - What? 208 00:09:48,363 --> 00:09:50,736 Let him work. I'm kind of like his Robin. 209 00:09:50,755 --> 00:09:52,680 - You're not like my Robin. - You want to be Robin? 210 00:09:52,699 --> 00:09:56,039 He doesn't have all the responsibilities of Batman, but he can take some of the glory. 211 00:09:56,063 --> 00:09:57,511 - Robin's a joke. - Robin's the joke. 212 00:09:57,529 --> 00:09:58,831 I think we can all agree. 213 00:09:58,857 --> 00:10:01,019 The kids look up to him, you know, in the community. 214 00:10:01,043 --> 00:10:03,446 I haven't been inside Keaton's mind in a long time, 215 00:10:03,467 --> 00:10:05,690 and I need my proper inspiration. 216 00:10:06,036 --> 00:10:07,422 Thank you. 217 00:10:07,756 --> 00:10:09,257 Why do you have a picture of a bear? 218 00:10:09,272 --> 00:10:12,752 The great Michael Keaton attacks each new role 219 00:10:12,776 --> 00:10:15,858 with the ferocity of a hungry brown bear. 220 00:10:16,039 --> 00:10:20,714 It is his entire acting philosophy, which I totally made up. 221 00:10:20,739 --> 00:10:22,343 I sleep with this person. 222 00:10:22,386 --> 00:10:24,124 Speak to me, Keaton. 223 00:10:25,772 --> 00:10:27,072 Mmm. 224 00:10:28,039 --> 00:10:29,208 Here we go. 225 00:10:33,337 --> 00:10:35,371 Oh, hey, Nick, that's incredible. 226 00:10:35,556 --> 00:10:39,117 "Courage is not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it"? 227 00:10:39,381 --> 00:10:41,749 Yes, I stole that from Nelson Mandela. 228 00:10:41,783 --> 00:10:43,812 I added the part about the Penguin and the Riddler. 229 00:10:47,086 --> 00:10:48,684 Oh. All right. 230 00:10:50,561 --> 00:10:52,248 Is that him? Did it work? 231 00:10:52,806 --> 00:10:54,974 He wrote back smiley face. 232 00:10:55,177 --> 00:10:58,138 - He wrote back smiley face. - He wrote back smiley face. 233 00:11:02,057 --> 00:11:05,180 - Trick or treat! - Oh, how adorable. 234 00:11:05,203 --> 00:11:08,341 You know, I just got a treat, too. It's not candy; I'm not a... 235 00:11:08,391 --> 00:11:10,372 Not a dumb little baby like all of you. 236 00:11:10,413 --> 00:11:13,541 "Happy Hallow's Eve." 237 00:11:14,019 --> 00:11:15,521 And send. 238 00:11:16,830 --> 00:11:19,714 - Just give us our candy. - Hush, little boy. 239 00:11:26,617 --> 00:11:28,430 He wrote back. 240 00:11:29,095 --> 00:11:30,927 - "Hi." - Okay, I got this. 241 00:11:30,952 --> 00:11:33,187 "Speak to me, old chum. 242 00:11:33,251 --> 00:11:36,134 "I canceled my trip to provide earthquake relief. 243 00:11:36,146 --> 00:11:37,829 - This seemed more important." - Boom. 244 00:11:37,852 --> 00:11:39,446 - That's so good. - Yeah, it's pretty good. 245 00:11:39,467 --> 00:11:42,917 - You really have the Keaton voice down. - "You're a friend for life." 246 00:11:42,936 --> 00:11:44,484 - That's good. - "M.K." 247 00:11:44,503 --> 00:11:47,083 - I think that's good. - I think that's really good, actually. 248 00:11:50,450 --> 00:11:52,680 Hi. Welcome. Happy Halloween. 249 00:11:52,718 --> 00:11:54,249 Drinks are over there. 250 00:11:54,266 --> 00:11:56,674 - Hey. - Hi. 251 00:11:57,955 --> 00:12:01,111 - What are you supposed to be? - I'm Joey Ramona Quimby. 252 00:12:01,468 --> 00:12:06,183 - I don't get it. - Joey Ramone... a Quimby. 253 00:12:08,559 --> 00:12:11,536 What are you? You look like you're just wearing trash from your car. 254 00:12:11,578 --> 00:12:15,524 No, I'm not. I'm the Paper Mountain Trash King... 255 00:12:15,536 --> 00:12:16,955 I just got trash from my car. 256 00:12:16,974 --> 00:12:20,562 And now the man who once played center for the New York Knicks in the nude, 257 00:12:20,587 --> 00:12:22,774 David Letterman! 258 00:12:22,820 --> 00:12:25,461 - That is a terrible Letterman. - Really? 259 00:12:25,554 --> 00:12:27,479 People at work tell me I look just like Dave. 260 00:12:27,738 --> 00:12:29,202 You look just like Letterman. 261 00:12:29,238 --> 00:12:31,188 You know, I have always thought that. 262 00:12:32,319 --> 00:12:35,754 What, uh, what... uh, Nick, Nick Miller. So you a, uh...? 263 00:12:36,391 --> 00:12:37,295 You're a... 264 00:12:39,515 --> 00:12:40,890 - What is that? - That's, that's his laugh. 265 00:12:40,908 --> 00:12:43,211 - He's never done that. - That's his laugh. 266 00:12:43,237 --> 00:12:45,338 Do you like my costume? 267 00:12:47,760 --> 00:12:49,415 I'm a public serpent. 268 00:12:49,434 --> 00:12:52,692 - Um, I thought you weren't coming. - Oh, I changed my mind. 269 00:12:53,184 --> 00:12:55,784 You know, I reread a few of Keaton's e-mails. 270 00:12:55,900 --> 00:12:57,212 He can be quite cryptic. 271 00:12:57,224 --> 00:12:58,756 I think what he meant when he said that 272 00:12:58,779 --> 00:13:02,793 life was meaningful was really, "Go to the party." 273 00:13:02,858 --> 00:13:05,855 - I'm pretty sure he didn't mean that. - I know Keaton best. 274 00:13:05,882 --> 00:13:08,621 Hey, Winston, by the way, great costume. 275 00:13:08,879 --> 00:13:10,432 Maya Angelou. 276 00:13:11,332 --> 00:13:13,770 Crap. What am I gonna do? Cece's on her way. 277 00:13:13,782 --> 00:13:16,273 Schmidt is rereading e-mails. 278 00:13:16,331 --> 00:13:20,285 Do you know what happens after rereading? Figuring it out. It's The Truman Show. 279 00:13:20,298 --> 00:13:21,780 Truman Show, man, I love that movie. 280 00:13:21,795 --> 00:13:25,638 - I'm not convinced you've ever seen it. - I have; it's about the Civil War. 281 00:13:25,663 --> 00:13:28,561 - Batcave? - Go, go, go, go, go. Go, go, go. 282 00:13:30,689 --> 00:13:33,296 - Winston, go to Cece's and stall. - Okay, fine. 283 00:13:33,328 --> 00:13:36,374 But I got to hit the little King of the Late Night Talk Show's room first. 284 00:13:36,399 --> 00:13:38,700 Maybe slow down on that. You're not great with booze. 285 00:13:38,714 --> 00:13:40,689 - Hey, I got it, I got it. Um... - You got it? Good. 286 00:13:40,704 --> 00:13:43,642 "You're in grave danger. Leave where you are immediately." 287 00:13:43,667 --> 00:13:44,598 - Send. - Don't! 288 00:13:44,625 --> 00:13:45,632 - You just sent that? - Yeah. 289 00:13:45,645 --> 00:13:47,988 A team has to talk about a decision before you hit send. 290 00:13:48,009 --> 00:13:50,118 Sorry. I thought it was a really good move. 291 00:13:50,380 --> 00:13:52,656 - Trick or treat. - Shh. 292 00:13:52,869 --> 00:13:54,478 All right, you got to fix this. 293 00:13:54,728 --> 00:13:57,780 I'll meet you at your building in 30 minutes. 294 00:13:57,792 --> 00:13:58,655 - Terrible! - Send. 295 00:13:58,685 --> 00:14:00,080 - No! - What? 296 00:14:00,098 --> 00:14:01,483 Now what are we gonna do? 297 00:14:01,525 --> 00:14:03,313 - You told him Keaton was coming here? - No, Nick. 298 00:14:03,337 --> 00:14:05,648 - Are you out of your mind? - It's a stall! It's a stall... 299 00:14:05,674 --> 00:14:08,342 Until we can come up with a better plan. 300 00:14:08,367 --> 00:14:10,568 - Well, who the hell is that? - I don't know. 301 00:14:11,221 --> 00:14:13,171 Trick or treat! 302 00:14:14,449 --> 00:14:15,893 You. 303 00:14:17,606 --> 00:14:20,897 I don't get what you're doing! Are you drunk? 304 00:14:22,285 --> 00:14:23,223 A little. 305 00:14:23,247 --> 00:14:26,264 - What's your endgame here? - It's Halloween night. 306 00:14:26,281 --> 00:14:29,583 This is the night when anyone can dress up in a costume 307 00:14:29,598 --> 00:14:31,497 and be anybody that... they want. 308 00:14:31,516 --> 00:14:34,355 Would you listen to your woman voice for one second? 309 00:14:34,374 --> 00:14:37,597 Oh, you think I'm gonna talk to him in a woman voice when I'm talking to him? 310 00:14:37,612 --> 00:14:39,210 No, I have a character. 311 00:14:39,222 --> 00:14:41,879 You're doing a character? Well, I'd love to hear it. 312 00:14:43,007 --> 00:14:44,708 I'm the Batman. 313 00:14:44,729 --> 00:14:46,510 - Oh. - Right...? 314 00:14:46,523 --> 00:14:49,505 - So good. What, am I in the movie theater, eating popcorn? 315 00:14:51,489 --> 00:14:53,407 Jess, you're also five, four. 316 00:14:53,450 --> 00:14:56,081 Keep going further away. The further you're away, the bigger you look. 317 00:14:56,091 --> 00:14:58,026 - I would say run a little bit. - Nick! 318 00:14:58,124 --> 00:14:59,981 Jess, go! Go... 319 00:15:00,110 --> 00:15:01,782 - Hey. Uh, Nick. - Hey. 320 00:15:01,806 --> 00:15:04,606 By chance, have you seen anyone famous in the vicinity? 321 00:15:04,625 --> 00:15:07,627 This vicinity? Famous? Like, um... 322 00:15:08,238 --> 00:15:10,837 - Look that way. - What? 323 00:15:14,232 --> 00:15:16,889 - Oh, my God. - Yeah, it's unbelievable. 324 00:15:19,531 --> 00:15:20,863 - Well, it's my hero. - Yeah. 325 00:15:20,897 --> 00:15:23,985 - That is Michael Keaton. - Right there. 326 00:15:25,814 --> 00:15:28,745 Why is he wearing his costume from the movie he did 24 years ago? 327 00:15:28,763 --> 00:15:31,684 If he wore the outfit from Clean and Sober, you wouldn't recognize him. 328 00:15:31,703 --> 00:15:34,707 - I'm the Batman. - It's Halloween. Don't overthink it. 329 00:15:34,734 --> 00:15:36,632 Well, you saw him. There he is. Let's get out of here. 330 00:15:36,650 --> 00:15:39,318 - I have to meet him, Nick. I have to. - No, you don't have to meet him. No, no, no... 331 00:15:39,340 --> 00:15:41,106 You're a great kid, Sch... You're a great kid, Schmidt. 332 00:15:41,131 --> 00:15:43,060 No. Let me take you out to eat. I want to buy you something 333 00:15:43,085 --> 00:15:44,974 - 'cause you met your hero. - Go to an all-night diner. 334 00:15:45,005 --> 00:15:47,283 - No, I have to meet... Got to meet him. - He's got to... 335 00:15:47,300 --> 00:15:49,688 - It's Michael Keaton! - Go get a blintz or two! 336 00:15:49,928 --> 00:15:50,934 Aah! 337 00:15:50,983 --> 00:15:54,286 - Michael! It's me Schmidt. - See you later, Michael! Take off! 338 00:15:54,320 --> 00:15:55,447 We have so much to talk about. 339 00:15:55,453 --> 00:15:57,835 Our heroes are never who we want them to be! 340 00:15:57,855 --> 00:15:59,155 Oh. 341 00:16:00,399 --> 00:16:02,868 Oh. You met him. 342 00:16:03,102 --> 00:16:06,161 - It's Keaton. - Come on, you guys. I know. 343 00:16:06,923 --> 00:16:09,469 I've known the whole time. What, do you think I'm stupid? 344 00:16:09,776 --> 00:16:11,343 No. It just... I... 345 00:16:11,671 --> 00:16:13,403 Just don't really know what to say in this situation. 346 00:16:13,419 --> 00:16:14,957 Look, please don't blame Nick. It's not his fault. 347 00:16:14,986 --> 00:16:17,344 You should be ashamed of yourselves. 348 00:16:17,527 --> 00:16:20,163 How dare you hack into the private e-mail account 349 00:16:20,184 --> 00:16:22,704 of one of our nation's finest actors! 350 00:16:25,020 --> 00:16:26,849 I'm gonna have to tell Michael about this. 351 00:16:27,028 --> 00:16:28,978 No! No! 352 00:16:29,009 --> 00:16:32,328 - No, don't tell Michael! - Jess, please stop. 353 00:16:33,330 --> 00:16:35,974 Thank you for what you're trying to do, but it's over. 354 00:16:36,103 --> 00:16:37,996 It has to be over. 355 00:16:38,986 --> 00:16:42,322 Schmidt, I'm Michael Keaton. 356 00:16:43,865 --> 00:16:48,636 I'm the owner of the e-mail address KeatonPotatoes@aol.com. 357 00:16:49,444 --> 00:16:51,024 What? 358 00:16:51,477 --> 00:16:52,958 It was me... 359 00:16:52,983 --> 00:16:54,765 The whole time. 360 00:16:54,979 --> 00:16:56,364 No... 361 00:16:56,685 --> 00:16:57,704 No, you can't... 362 00:16:57,729 --> 00:17:00,948 How do you think I know that you kissed the bus driver at spring break? 363 00:17:01,068 --> 00:17:05,296 Or that you want to open up a glassware boutique in Connecticut? 364 00:17:05,715 --> 00:17:08,137 - Or about the wall hole? - This is impossible! I've been... 365 00:17:08,177 --> 00:17:10,076 I've been writing with Michael Keaton since I was a kid! 366 00:17:10,100 --> 00:17:12,912 Your mother came up with the idea, Schmidt. 367 00:17:12,991 --> 00:17:16,894 - But since college, it's been me. - My mom? 368 00:17:17,478 --> 00:17:20,118 You're gonna tell me that my mom helped me with my public erections? 369 00:17:20,143 --> 00:17:21,666 I drew pictures! 370 00:17:22,179 --> 00:17:24,526 He didn't want you to find out this way. 371 00:17:26,880 --> 00:17:28,506 Hey. 372 00:17:32,119 --> 00:17:34,029 - I got to go. - Wait. Schmidt! 373 00:17:34,301 --> 00:17:37,185 - Oh! Oh, I'm so, so sorry. Uh... - A bully! Get him! 374 00:17:37,205 --> 00:17:39,039 Oh! Oh! 375 00:17:39,225 --> 00:17:41,069 - Come on. - Hey, kids, get out of here! 376 00:17:41,093 --> 00:17:44,195 - Scat! Scat! - Back off! 377 00:17:47,811 --> 00:17:51,939 Cece, wait. I swear, I did not know he was gonna be here. I'm so sorry. 378 00:17:51,971 --> 00:17:54,468 No, Jess. It's-it's fine. Okay, it's fine. 379 00:17:54,500 --> 00:17:56,038 In fact... 380 00:17:56,850 --> 00:17:58,758 it's actually kind of perfect. 381 00:17:58,787 --> 00:18:02,818 I think, since this whole thing went down, I've just been running away. 382 00:18:02,855 --> 00:18:06,899 You know, I mean, actually seeing Schmidt, I... 383 00:18:07,872 --> 00:18:10,542 I finally feel like I have some closure. 384 00:18:10,561 --> 00:18:12,608 Well, good. I'm glad. 385 00:18:12,684 --> 00:18:14,618 You deserve some. 386 00:18:16,588 --> 00:18:19,077 So let's fire up the Batman Mobile, 387 00:18:19,090 --> 00:18:22,090 go to a taco stand and eat some feelings, okay? 388 00:18:22,121 --> 00:18:24,292 Okay, I just... I think it's Batmobile. 389 00:18:24,318 --> 00:18:25,518 Batman Mobile. 390 00:18:25,549 --> 00:18:26,894 No. 391 00:18:27,012 --> 00:18:28,307 Batmobile. 392 00:18:28,378 --> 00:18:30,041 That's what I said... Batman Mobile. 393 00:18:30,059 --> 00:18:31,851 You're putting the man... There's no man. It's just Bat... 394 00:18:31,888 --> 00:18:34,236 - Batman Mobile. - ...Mobile. Batman Mobile. 395 00:18:34,274 --> 00:18:36,431 - Batmobile. Drop the man. - Bat... Yeah. 396 00:18:36,484 --> 00:18:38,023 Batman Mobile. 397 00:18:38,158 --> 00:18:39,758 Batmobile. 398 00:18:40,529 --> 00:18:42,371 Batmo-mobile. 399 00:18:43,293 --> 00:18:47,249 So it was you who helped me through my first breakup with Elizabeth? 400 00:18:47,836 --> 00:18:49,217 Yeah, Schmidt. 401 00:18:49,574 --> 00:18:52,709 And it was you, not Keaton, 402 00:18:52,734 --> 00:18:55,972 who told me that women aren't attracted to men who wear maternity pants? 403 00:18:56,005 --> 00:18:59,318 Yes, but that one I feel like I shouldn't have had to. 404 00:18:59,336 --> 00:19:01,610 They're unbelevably comfortable. 405 00:19:01,991 --> 00:19:05,742 What about that time that we saw Michael Keaton at that deli, 406 00:19:05,918 --> 00:19:08,578 and he stopped, and he winked? 407 00:19:08,709 --> 00:19:10,653 Honestly, I can't explain that one. 408 00:19:10,677 --> 00:19:13,068 It was just the weirdest day of my whole life. 409 00:19:13,875 --> 00:19:15,544 My friend Michael. 410 00:19:16,541 --> 00:19:21,510 Oh, Schmidt, look, I know this is hard, okay? 411 00:19:21,925 --> 00:19:24,381 But honestly, I was just trying to help. 412 00:19:25,763 --> 00:19:28,920 You don't need Keaton. You got me. 413 00:19:31,363 --> 00:19:33,720 - What was that? - I'm so sorry. 414 00:19:33,853 --> 00:19:35,491 What... Why would you say something like that? 415 00:19:35,509 --> 00:19:38,786 Because I hurt you, and I've been wanting to fix this for years. 416 00:19:38,822 --> 00:19:41,966 The end of a high school football movie? 417 00:19:42,003 --> 00:19:46,764 I'm really sorry I pretended to be Keaton for the last 12 years. It's super weird. 418 00:19:48,079 --> 00:19:50,246 Are we good? 419 00:19:51,712 --> 00:19:53,306 Yeah. 420 00:19:53,418 --> 00:19:55,172 We're good. 421 00:20:03,163 --> 00:20:05,566 Well, Nicholas, I came to a decision last night. 422 00:20:05,672 --> 00:20:09,304 I'm entering a new chapter in my life, and I think it best that I do it alone. 423 00:20:09,349 --> 00:20:11,315 You're going to one of those weekend spas again, buddy? 424 00:20:11,333 --> 00:20:14,146 No. In the famous words of singer-songwriter Billy Joel... 425 00:20:14,171 --> 00:20:15,440 - Don't do this. - I'm moving out. 426 00:20:15,452 --> 00:20:16,764 You're the worst. 427 00:20:16,802 --> 00:20:19,333 - Schmidt, I thought you said we were good. - No, we're great, 428 00:20:19,361 --> 00:20:21,042 but I'm going. Two separate things. 429 00:20:21,069 --> 00:20:23,830 I made the call this morning. I got a new place. I'm out. 430 00:20:23,851 --> 00:20:26,164 - You're not going anywhere. - I'm going. 431 00:20:26,184 --> 00:20:29,415 Goodness, uh, I think somebody had sex in my bedroom last night. 432 00:20:29,440 --> 00:20:30,915 I think that because they're still in there... 433 00:20:30,936 --> 00:20:32,660 - Having sex, I think. - Ugh! 434 00:20:33,827 --> 00:20:35,903 Hey, Schmidt. You going to a weekend spa again? 435 00:20:35,921 --> 00:20:38,556 - No. Striking out on my own. - Wait. What?! 436 00:20:38,608 --> 00:20:40,339 You're moving out? He's not moving out, is he? 437 00:20:40,357 --> 00:20:42,001 Schmidt, you can't move out. Who's gonna do my fades? 438 00:20:42,014 --> 00:20:44,138 Yeah, who's gonna do his fades? 439 00:20:45,969 --> 00:20:47,637 Believe this is mine. 440 00:20:49,306 --> 00:20:51,474 Well, I bid you all adieu. 441 00:20:51,493 --> 00:20:53,187 - Stop it, Schmidt. Oh, Schmidt! - Are you serious? 442 00:20:53,211 --> 00:20:54,867 - Schmidt, come on. - Come on. 443 00:20:54,888 --> 00:20:56,227 - Seriously? Come on! - Stop with the show! 444 00:20:56,239 --> 00:20:58,657 You can't even fit all your socks in that suitcase. 445 00:20:59,174 --> 00:21:02,568 Get your last looks, 'cause who knows when we'll see each other again? 446 00:21:03,581 --> 00:21:05,524 Or where. 447 00:21:12,044 --> 00:21:15,021 Wait. You're just moving in across the hall? 448 00:21:15,038 --> 00:21:17,325 I can't hear you... 'cause I'm gone. 449 00:21:17,349 --> 00:21:19,483 Schmidt, it would take me longer to walk from the kitchen 450 00:21:19,501 --> 00:21:22,683 to the bathroom than it would from here to where you are. 451 00:21:22,721 --> 00:21:25,053 Oh, you are kidding me. 452 00:21:25,291 --> 00:21:27,599 - I can see your feet! - Me, too. 453 00:21:27,631 --> 00:21:28,737 Shut up. 454 00:21:28,868 --> 00:21:30,868 Guy's an idiot... 455 00:21:31,629 --> 00:21:33,524 See you tomorrow, Schmidt... 456 00:21:34,368 --> 00:21:36,637 Woo! I'm alone! 457 00:21:36,876 --> 00:21:39,195 I'm alone! I'm alone... 458 00:21:39,589 --> 00:21:41,456 I'm alone... 459 00:21:46,021 --> 00:21:47,882 Score, touchd... 460 00:21:49,198 --> 00:21:52,562 Hahaha... Yeah. Shut up, Winston. 461 00:21:52,929 --> 00:21:54,735 Stupid jerk! 462 00:21:55,094 --> 00:22:00,094 Sync & corrections: Reef www.addic7ed.com Resync for WEB-DL by Norther