1 00:00:24,995 --> 00:00:26,195 D'oh! 2 00:00:53,948 --> 00:00:57,948 ♪ The Simpsons 25x03 ♪ Four Regrettings and a Funeral Original Air Date on October 6, 2013 3 00:00:57,974 --> 00:01:02,974 == sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man 4 00:01:08,005 --> 00:01:11,507 S-So lonely. 5 00:01:13,677 --> 00:01:16,846 No sex without a ring. 6 00:01:18,882 --> 00:01:20,583 Damn it! 7 00:01:44,041 --> 00:01:45,174 Mm. 8 00:01:45,208 --> 00:01:46,475 What the...?! Hey, whoa! 9 00:01:55,619 --> 00:01:57,386 What about us, man? 10 00:01:57,421 --> 00:01:59,021 Get your own couch. 11 00:02:13,870 --> 00:02:17,807 Poor Chip. Such a big part of everyone's life. 12 00:02:17,841 --> 00:02:20,276 People called him the "sixth Simpson." 13 00:02:20,310 --> 00:02:21,844 I'm not sure why. 14 00:02:21,878 --> 00:02:26,282 Chip did such a wonderful job with my biography. 15 00:02:34,224 --> 00:02:38,661 Chip was the life of Sector 6-F at the nuclear plant, 16 00:02:38,695 --> 00:02:43,265 but Chip once confessed to me he did have a few regrets. 17 00:02:44,367 --> 00:02:46,335 Chip regretted never ascending 18 00:02:46,369 --> 00:02:48,838 Mount Springfield from the south face. 19 00:02:48,872 --> 00:02:52,208 He regretted that the high school long jump record he set 20 00:02:52,242 --> 00:02:53,843 was wind-aided. 21 00:02:53,877 --> 00:02:57,113 He often spoke of that asterisk. 22 00:02:57,147 --> 00:03:01,150 He never broke par on hole 17 at Springfield Mini Golf. 23 00:03:01,184 --> 00:03:03,619 Let us pray. 24 00:03:03,653 --> 00:03:05,354 Eh, everyone has regrets. 25 00:03:05,388 --> 00:03:06,622 Not me. 26 00:03:06,656 --> 00:03:08,891 You? Your marriage is a dead fish 27 00:03:08,925 --> 00:03:11,227 floating in a tank of stale beer. 28 00:03:11,261 --> 00:03:13,863 Your baby's addicted to pacifiers. 29 00:03:16,399 --> 00:03:18,734 And your son is out of control. 30 00:03:19,569 --> 00:03:21,070 Let us kneel. 31 00:03:26,877 --> 00:03:28,844 Ow! My knees! 32 00:03:28,879 --> 00:03:31,580 40 years of healing, gone! 33 00:03:33,383 --> 00:03:35,317 He's such a little dickens. 34 00:03:35,352 --> 00:03:37,820 Although Dickens was pretty well behaved. 35 00:03:37,854 --> 00:03:40,356 He's been screwed up since the moment Homer's DNA 36 00:03:40,390 --> 00:03:42,158 staggered into your womb. 37 00:03:42,192 --> 00:03:43,993 I have no regrets about that. 38 00:03:44,027 --> 00:03:46,095 It was a perfect pregnancy. 39 00:03:46,129 --> 00:03:49,565 Didn't smoke, didn't drink, lost three pounds. 40 00:03:49,599 --> 00:03:50,833 And every night before bed, 41 00:03:50,867 --> 00:03:52,701 Homer would give me a little kiss... 42 00:03:52,736 --> 00:03:54,170 music! 43 00:03:54,204 --> 00:03:56,672 Could Bart have been prenatally screwed up 44 00:03:56,706 --> 00:03:59,041 by the KISS music? 45 00:03:59,075 --> 00:04:01,744 ♪ Get up! Everybody's gonna move their feet ♪ 46 00:04:01,778 --> 00:04:04,847 ♪ Get down! Everybody's gonna leave their seats ♪ 47 00:04:04,881 --> 00:04:08,384 ♪ You got to lose your mind in Detroit Rock City. ♪ 48 00:04:09,553 --> 00:04:10,853 Huh? 49 00:04:10,887 --> 00:04:14,423 Man, this is the weirdest pregnancy craving ever. 50 00:04:14,457 --> 00:04:16,759 Well, for some reason it relaxes me. 51 00:04:16,793 --> 00:04:18,861 Now, do that thing Gene Simmons does. 52 00:04:18,895 --> 00:04:21,230 Overstay my welcome for 40 years? 53 00:04:25,435 --> 00:04:28,404 Regrets, eh? This local newsman's had a few. 54 00:04:28,438 --> 00:04:30,372 Covering a town of backwater rubes 55 00:04:30,407 --> 00:04:32,741 who, for some reason, hate my guts. 56 00:04:32,776 --> 00:04:35,211 This is Kent Brockman... 57 00:04:35,245 --> 00:04:37,769 live at the Springfield Peach Parade. 58 00:04:37,770 --> 00:04:40,951 Sir, could you give us eight seconds of your homespun wisdom? 59 00:04:41,318 --> 00:04:42,785 It's a little-known fact 60 00:04:42,819 --> 00:04:45,521 that you can get head lice from peaches. 61 00:04:45,555 --> 00:04:47,556 Uh, this is my daughter Peaches. 62 00:04:47,591 --> 00:04:50,359 We'll have more regrets at 11:00 tonight 63 00:04:50,393 --> 00:04:52,428 following an all-new bottle of scotch. 64 00:04:52,462 --> 00:04:54,296 You have regrets, 65 00:04:54,331 --> 00:04:57,032 Mr. "I Get to See the Weathergirl From the Side"! 66 00:04:57,067 --> 00:05:00,069 I made the worst financial decision of all time. 67 00:05:00,103 --> 00:05:01,804 Oh, I can't think about it. 68 00:05:01,838 --> 00:05:03,405 I won't think about it. 69 00:05:03,440 --> 00:05:05,241 I don't want to think about it! 70 00:05:05,275 --> 00:05:08,677 Oh, I'm thinking about it! 71 00:05:10,180 --> 00:05:11,280 Mm... 72 00:05:12,949 --> 00:05:14,083 Hmm. 73 00:05:14,117 --> 00:05:15,417 Huh? 74 00:05:15,452 --> 00:05:18,254 Oh... that's the coolest bowling ball 75 00:05:18,288 --> 00:05:20,122 I've ever seen. 76 00:05:21,691 --> 00:05:23,225 Hello, Bear Stearns? 77 00:05:23,260 --> 00:05:25,427 I'd like to sell all my Apple stock 78 00:05:25,462 --> 00:05:27,596 so I can buy a fancy bowling ball. 79 00:05:27,631 --> 00:05:30,299 You heard me. Technology is a fad. 80 00:05:30,333 --> 00:05:32,835 Heavy, black balls are the future. 81 00:05:34,037 --> 00:05:36,472 Now let us text on our ubiquitous 82 00:05:36,506 --> 00:05:38,874 Apple tablets and phones. 83 00:05:41,378 --> 00:05:44,713 Oh, you cost me a piece of all that! 84 00:05:45,715 --> 00:05:47,416 Oh, don't cry. 85 00:05:47,450 --> 00:05:49,318 If it makes you feel worse, 86 00:05:49,352 --> 00:05:51,487 I'm the man who bought the stock you sold. 87 00:05:51,521 --> 00:05:54,990 I'll bet a rich man like you has no regrets at all. 88 00:05:55,025 --> 00:05:56,659 Just one. 89 00:05:56,693 --> 00:05:58,494 The girl that got away. 90 00:05:58,528 --> 00:06:00,796 She broke my first heart. 91 00:06:00,830 --> 00:06:04,967 So, is there truly anyone among us without regrets? 92 00:06:05,001 --> 00:06:06,368 I have no regrets. 93 00:06:06,403 --> 00:06:07,636 Really, Mother? 94 00:06:07,671 --> 00:06:10,339 Oh, I didn't see you there. 95 00:06:15,080 --> 00:06:18,271 I'm Father O'Greedy. Dimes for the needy. 96 00:06:19,874 --> 00:06:22,842 Milhouse, are you the bottom half of that mischief? 97 00:06:22,877 --> 00:06:26,379 Uh... uh... uh... 98 00:06:26,414 --> 00:06:28,114 Oh, my. 99 00:06:28,149 --> 00:06:31,851 My pants, like the Lord, work in mysterious ways. 100 00:06:31,886 --> 00:06:33,453 Return those vestments. 101 00:06:33,487 --> 00:06:35,021 Speaking of return on investments, 102 00:06:35,056 --> 00:06:37,324 my Apple stock is up 3,500%. 103 00:06:37,358 --> 00:06:39,726 Aw, you misheard that on purpose! 104 00:06:43,097 --> 00:06:46,466 Tithe denied! Tithe denied! 105 00:06:46,500 --> 00:06:50,971 Mm. Must find way... to blame myself. 106 00:06:52,373 --> 00:06:55,575 Um, it says I should give you lumbar support. 107 00:06:55,609 --> 00:06:57,777 Better go to the lumber yard. 108 00:06:57,812 --> 00:07:00,313 "Lum- bar." It means "lower back." 109 00:07:00,348 --> 00:07:02,749 How many times will you make that mistake? 110 00:07:02,783 --> 00:07:04,851 Just put on the KISS record. 111 00:07:04,885 --> 00:07:07,187 Which one? Anything from Love Gun. 112 00:07:08,522 --> 00:07:11,758 Hey, book, are you expecting this? 113 00:07:11,792 --> 00:07:13,126 And while I'm at it... 114 00:07:13,160 --> 00:07:16,596 Burn, dumb, helpful books. 115 00:07:16,630 --> 00:07:18,631 That is a good fire. 116 00:07:22,570 --> 00:07:24,771 You're going down, Bart! 117 00:07:27,074 --> 00:07:29,275 Ah, reckless youth. He'll be okay. 118 00:07:29,310 --> 00:07:30,877 I was referring to him. 119 00:07:32,213 --> 00:07:35,281 I had a spring in my step like that once. 120 00:07:35,316 --> 00:07:37,717 Back when I met Lilah. 121 00:07:37,752 --> 00:07:41,755 Lilah ran a little crepe stand in the seventh arrondissement. 122 00:07:43,357 --> 00:07:45,058 Oh, Monty, 123 00:07:45,092 --> 00:07:49,529 looking at you, I could lie in this unheated garret forever. 124 00:07:49,563 --> 00:07:51,498 There's heat. I just don't turn it on. 125 00:07:51,532 --> 00:07:54,801 Seeing you there, in the sweet light of Paris between the wars, 126 00:07:54,835 --> 00:07:56,569 there's a question I must pose. 127 00:07:56,604 --> 00:07:57,971 I have something for you. 128 00:07:58,005 --> 00:07:59,973 Oh! Not that. 129 00:08:07,948 --> 00:08:11,251 Wrong box. Lilah, will you take that big step 130 00:08:11,285 --> 00:08:13,219 from cousin to wife? 131 00:08:13,254 --> 00:08:16,156 Oh, Monty, you must promise me one thing. 132 00:08:16,190 --> 00:08:18,525 Anything she wanted I was willing to do. 133 00:08:18,559 --> 00:08:20,560 Anything, except... 134 00:08:20,594 --> 00:08:23,063 All I ask is that you set aside 135 00:08:23,097 --> 00:08:25,698 five minutes a day to think of others. 136 00:08:25,733 --> 00:08:28,768 When you say "others," could they be bars of gold? 137 00:08:28,803 --> 00:08:31,337 I shall find another husband 138 00:08:31,372 --> 00:08:33,606 as good as you are evil. 139 00:08:33,641 --> 00:08:34,641 No one's that good. 140 00:08:36,877 --> 00:08:40,380 All I have left is my drawing. 141 00:08:40,414 --> 00:08:43,383 Hm. It looked a lot better in my memory. 142 00:08:43,417 --> 00:08:45,085 Uh, but you know what, Smithers? 143 00:08:45,119 --> 00:08:47,554 I will find Lilah and win her back. 144 00:08:47,588 --> 00:08:49,556 I'll just check with the old gang. 145 00:08:49,590 --> 00:08:50,890 Hemingway! 146 00:08:51,659 --> 00:08:52,592 Picasso. 147 00:08:53,394 --> 00:08:55,161 Matador Juan Belmonte. 148 00:08:56,230 --> 00:08:58,531 And Stalin. 149 00:08:58,566 --> 00:09:00,633 That man could really put pressure on you. 150 00:09:00,668 --> 00:09:01,901 Hello, Kent. 151 00:09:01,936 --> 00:09:04,370 Well, well, well. Rachel Maddow. 152 00:09:04,405 --> 00:09:06,406 Everyone came back for Chip's funeral. 153 00:09:06,440 --> 00:09:08,975 I was flying from DC to New York and, of course, 154 00:09:09,009 --> 00:09:10,343 I had the layover in Springfield. 155 00:09:10,377 --> 00:09:12,078 How's the gang at Channel 6? 156 00:09:12,113 --> 00:09:14,347 Look, let's get this out of the way-- just because we both 157 00:09:14,381 --> 00:09:16,549 worked at Channel 6 and you made it big and I didn't 158 00:09:16,584 --> 00:09:19,385 doesn't mean I'm bitter. Um, Is that your car? 159 00:09:19,420 --> 00:09:21,154 Maybe. 160 00:09:21,188 --> 00:09:22,589 Kent, I'm gonna tell you 161 00:09:22,623 --> 00:09:25,158 the most important mistake you ever made... 162 00:09:25,192 --> 00:09:26,693 after this break. 163 00:09:26,727 --> 00:09:28,995 So, Kent, that mistake you made, 164 00:09:29,029 --> 00:09:30,997 that fundamental, life-changing error, 165 00:09:31,031 --> 00:09:32,699 that cosmic fail, that... 166 00:09:32,733 --> 00:09:35,168 Just tell me already! After this break. 167 00:09:35,202 --> 00:09:36,669 You could have come with me, 168 00:09:36,704 --> 00:09:38,404 but you were suckling the dual teats 169 00:09:38,439 --> 00:09:41,608 of infotainment and celebrifawning. 170 00:09:43,577 --> 00:09:45,578 So, tell us about your new movie. 171 00:09:45,613 --> 00:09:47,113 It's fantastic. 172 00:09:47,148 --> 00:09:50,250 The studio let us play in their sandbox. 173 00:09:50,284 --> 00:09:52,752 Great. We have a clip. No! No, don't show it. 174 00:09:52,786 --> 00:09:55,388 There aren't five good seconds in the whole film. 175 00:09:58,159 --> 00:10:00,860 I'm not a newsman anymore, I'm a geologist. 176 00:10:00,895 --> 00:10:02,896 I keep discovering a new rock bottom. 177 00:10:02,930 --> 00:10:05,798 Kent, I think I found my ticket out of this town. 178 00:10:05,833 --> 00:10:07,967 Or at least to a better Springfield. 179 00:10:08,002 --> 00:10:10,069 You two newshounds working on a story? 180 00:10:10,104 --> 00:10:11,871 How about this? 181 00:10:11,906 --> 00:10:14,908 Mario's down the street found a rat in their pasta. 182 00:10:14,942 --> 00:10:16,476 When did that happen? 183 00:10:16,510 --> 00:10:18,478 Whenever you want. Eh? 184 00:10:18,512 --> 00:10:19,913 Rachel, can I come? 185 00:10:19,947 --> 00:10:21,314 We can share blazers. 186 00:10:21,348 --> 00:10:22,882 Just follow me. 187 00:10:22,917 --> 00:10:25,418 At Mario's, the picture of Sinatra on the wall 188 00:10:25,452 --> 00:10:27,453 is signed by Frank Junior. 189 00:10:27,488 --> 00:10:29,622 The frame hides the "Junior"! 190 00:10:29,657 --> 00:10:32,625 Someone's been dumping tires in the forest. 191 00:10:34,428 --> 00:10:36,396 Willikers! In my three years of soft news, 192 00:10:36,430 --> 00:10:37,997 I've never seen anything like this. 193 00:10:38,032 --> 00:10:41,467 Those are tires from my ill-fated Krusty Town Car. 194 00:10:41,502 --> 00:10:44,504 It would explode if people gripped the wheel too tightly. 195 00:10:44,538 --> 00:10:46,072 What a scoop! 196 00:10:46,106 --> 00:10:47,674 You're not telling no one. 197 00:10:47,708 --> 00:10:50,743 As the 4:00 p.m. clown, I have complete control 198 00:10:50,778 --> 00:10:53,046 of the Channel 6 news division. 199 00:10:54,682 --> 00:10:56,516 Local news is a joke. 200 00:10:56,550 --> 00:10:58,151 I'm going to cable. 201 00:10:58,185 --> 00:10:59,586 Cable news! 202 00:10:59,620 --> 00:11:02,288 Bah! People only want news at 6:00 p.m. 203 00:11:02,323 --> 00:11:04,123 from white guys on weekdays 204 00:11:04,158 --> 00:11:05,992 and black guys on weekends. 205 00:11:06,026 --> 00:11:07,293 We'll see about that. 206 00:11:07,328 --> 00:11:09,128 Yes, we shall see. 207 00:11:09,163 --> 00:11:11,464 About that, things will be seen. 208 00:11:11,498 --> 00:11:13,499 By us. 209 00:11:14,735 --> 00:11:15,868 Kent, you coming? 210 00:11:15,903 --> 00:11:17,337 He ain't comin'. 211 00:11:17,371 --> 00:11:19,505 This little piggy's afraid to leave his cushy 212 00:11:19,540 --> 00:11:21,474 anchorman slop trough. 213 00:11:21,508 --> 00:11:23,943 Could you, uh, phrase that a little more nicely? 214 00:11:23,978 --> 00:11:26,713 Sorry. He "isn't" coming. 215 00:11:26,747 --> 00:11:28,281 You'll regret this, Kent. 216 00:11:28,315 --> 00:11:30,683 When I have my own show and you're stuck here 217 00:11:30,718 --> 00:11:33,219 tracking Santa's flight from the North Pole. 218 00:11:33,254 --> 00:11:35,255 "Oh, look, he's over Greenland!" 219 00:11:39,360 --> 00:11:42,428 Don't worry, piggy, you made the right choice. 220 00:11:44,331 --> 00:11:47,934 Eh, it'll burn out in an hour or so. 221 00:11:53,707 --> 00:11:54,107 Grunting as he lifts Bryce in the air. 222 00:11:55,088 --> 00:11:57,557 Look, Burns, I've got the dope on your sweetie. 223 00:11:57,657 --> 00:11:59,625 She's still alive, and she just got over 224 00:11:59,659 --> 00:12:01,426 being mad at you last week. 225 00:12:01,661 --> 00:12:02,961 Lilah's alive? 226 00:12:02,995 --> 00:12:04,496 Yeah, well, uh, she's alive, 227 00:12:04,530 --> 00:12:06,465 but she's a nun. 228 00:12:06,499 --> 00:12:08,800 Married to Jesus, eh? Does he beat her? 229 00:12:08,835 --> 00:12:11,303 Jesus? No, he's a real Eagle Scout, that one. 230 00:12:11,337 --> 00:12:14,239 But your penguin's not a Catholic, she's a Buddhist nun-- 231 00:12:14,273 --> 00:12:17,742 spent her life expressing her sexuality with a Zen garden. 232 00:12:17,777 --> 00:12:19,644 Those raked rocks could have been me. 233 00:12:19,679 --> 00:12:23,014 Now, since you're so good at finding things, find the exit. 234 00:12:23,049 --> 00:12:26,017 There is the little matter of my fee. 235 00:12:26,052 --> 00:12:28,253 You're becoming very tiresome. 236 00:12:28,287 --> 00:12:29,855 Who moved my desk?! 237 00:12:34,961 --> 00:12:37,395 Well, here I am. Cable news alley. 238 00:12:46,205 --> 00:12:48,139 Fox News. Is this really how I want 239 00:12:48,174 --> 00:12:49,841 to get back in the big leagues? 240 00:12:49,876 --> 00:12:51,543 Let's see how print journalism is doing. 241 00:12:51,577 --> 00:12:53,478 Sir, do you sell The New York Times? 242 00:12:53,513 --> 00:12:56,047 Sir, we are The New York Times. 243 00:12:56,082 --> 00:12:57,849 And in I go. 244 00:12:57,884 --> 00:13:00,385 Why are you doing this, Bart? 245 00:13:00,419 --> 00:13:02,521 50% attention-seeking, 246 00:13:02,555 --> 00:13:05,524 50% to drop things on people. 247 00:13:05,558 --> 00:13:08,560 He's gonna visit my sky granny. 248 00:13:08,594 --> 00:13:11,963 To work at Fox News, all you have to be able to do 249 00:13:11,998 --> 00:13:13,632 is operate this device. 250 00:13:13,666 --> 00:13:15,700 Now, when a Republican is in trouble... 251 00:13:15,735 --> 00:13:18,403 At the time, I didn't know it was illegal 252 00:13:18,437 --> 00:13:21,306 to sex up a cow on the Capitol steps. 253 00:13:21,340 --> 00:13:22,741 ...we simply do this. 254 00:13:27,246 --> 00:13:29,714 Now you try. 255 00:13:33,853 --> 00:13:36,321 Sorry, but I just discovered I have some scruples. 256 00:13:36,355 --> 00:13:38,423 I'm going back to my sweet little town 257 00:13:38,457 --> 00:13:40,425 where I can decide what news is. 258 00:13:40,459 --> 00:13:42,093 Like a god. 259 00:13:43,462 --> 00:13:45,564 We've had some good times. 260 00:13:45,598 --> 00:13:47,999 ♪ Memories 261 00:13:48,034 --> 00:13:53,471 ♪ Rest between the pages of my mind ♪ 262 00:13:56,142 --> 00:13:59,544 ♪ Memories 263 00:13:59,579 --> 00:14:05,584 ♪ See me through the ages just like wine... ♪ 264 00:14:05,618 --> 00:14:09,020 And you sat on the gas pedal when my foot fell asleep, 265 00:14:09,055 --> 00:14:11,222 so I'm getting you shined up nice. 266 00:14:11,257 --> 00:14:13,525 What the...? 267 00:14:13,559 --> 00:14:15,260 Oh! 268 00:14:15,294 --> 00:14:17,262 That's a ball-proof window, sir. 269 00:14:17,296 --> 00:14:20,198 Would you like me to ask Siri for a nearby hospital? 270 00:14:20,232 --> 00:14:24,135 I'm sorry, I don't see any "hops petals" near you. 271 00:14:24,170 --> 00:14:25,737 Deleting all contact information. 272 00:14:25,771 --> 00:14:27,612 No, no, I didn't ask you to do that, Siri. I... 273 00:14:27,640 --> 00:14:29,708 Delete confirmed. 274 00:14:33,662 --> 00:14:35,964 Oh. Okay, Bart, be cool. 275 00:14:35,998 --> 00:14:38,666 Calm down, you're not gonna die up here. 276 00:14:48,177 --> 00:14:49,711 Aw... 277 00:14:51,714 --> 00:14:52,781 D'oh! 278 00:15:03,893 --> 00:15:06,694 Oh, Monty, I can't believe you found me 279 00:15:06,729 --> 00:15:08,897 after all these years. 280 00:15:08,931 --> 00:15:11,166 I've saved myself for you. 281 00:15:11,200 --> 00:15:12,500 Well, then, uh... 282 00:15:12,535 --> 00:15:14,235 I should disrobe at once. 283 00:15:14,270 --> 00:15:16,938 Housekeeping? Send up a Chinese dressing screen 284 00:15:16,972 --> 00:15:20,108 and one of Firestone's finest vulcanized prophylactics. 285 00:15:20,142 --> 00:15:22,744 Be right back. 286 00:15:25,214 --> 00:15:27,182 Smithers? Which do I take first, 287 00:15:27,216 --> 00:15:29,284 the rhino horn or the tiger tongue? 288 00:15:29,318 --> 00:15:31,019 I have my doubts about both, sir. 289 00:15:31,053 --> 00:15:33,221 Bah! I'll just do it the old-fashioned way. 290 00:15:33,255 --> 00:15:34,522 With my pump. 291 00:15:38,627 --> 00:15:40,562 Just powdering my nose, darling. 292 00:15:44,733 --> 00:15:47,268 Smithers, run down to Sears, Roebuck 293 00:15:47,303 --> 00:15:49,771 and get a five-eighths-inch Phillips head bolt. 294 00:15:51,807 --> 00:15:54,442 Here I am, slowly dying every day 295 00:15:54,476 --> 00:15:56,444 at 5:00, 6:00 and 11:00. 296 00:15:56,478 --> 00:15:58,046 Help! Help! 297 00:15:58,080 --> 00:16:01,616 Child in danger with exciting visuals! 298 00:16:01,650 --> 00:16:02,884 This kid's corpse could be 299 00:16:02,918 --> 00:16:04,786 my magic carpet. Get me a cameraman! 300 00:16:04,820 --> 00:16:08,289 The movie Up has come horribly to life over Springfield. 301 00:16:08,324 --> 00:16:10,491 A local boy clings to life in a story 302 00:16:10,526 --> 00:16:12,460 that proves this reporter's relevance. 303 00:16:12,494 --> 00:16:13,895 Ay, caramba! 304 00:16:13,929 --> 00:16:15,730 It's Bart! 305 00:16:15,764 --> 00:16:17,165 Pray for a miracle, boy. 306 00:16:17,199 --> 00:16:19,400 God can hear you better from up there. 307 00:16:19,435 --> 00:16:21,402 Dear Lord, please help me land safely. 308 00:16:21,437 --> 00:16:24,072 Or transform this basket into a flying killer robot 309 00:16:24,106 --> 00:16:26,274 that I control with my mind. Amen. 310 00:16:26,308 --> 00:16:27,442 That's not a prayer. 311 00:16:27,476 --> 00:16:29,143 My God says it is. 312 00:16:33,482 --> 00:16:36,684 Oh, I see you're ice-cold with anticipation. 313 00:16:38,120 --> 00:16:39,921 Dead? 314 00:16:39,955 --> 00:16:41,456 Oh, Lilah. 315 00:16:41,490 --> 00:16:44,292 Even at the end, I waited too long. 316 00:16:44,326 --> 00:16:46,661 What if I give her the breath of life? 317 00:16:48,163 --> 00:16:49,530 Oh, boy. 318 00:16:49,565 --> 00:16:51,599 I guess one regret just leads to another. 319 00:16:51,634 --> 00:16:53,835 You know, sir, maybe it would bring you peace 320 00:16:53,869 --> 00:16:56,404 to honor the one thing Lilah ever asked of you. 321 00:16:59,508 --> 00:17:01,109 Here you are, my good man. 322 00:17:01,143 --> 00:17:03,444 A little broth will cure your mental illness. 323 00:17:03,479 --> 00:17:04,812 Sir, that's five minutes. 324 00:17:04,847 --> 00:17:06,881 You can stop thinking of other people now. 325 00:17:06,916 --> 00:17:09,851 You know what, I think I'll give it another five. 326 00:17:11,654 --> 00:17:14,289 I'm proud of you, Monty. 327 00:17:15,658 --> 00:17:17,358 I ain't eatin' that. 328 00:17:20,596 --> 00:17:23,031 Chief, what are you doing to save our son? 329 00:17:23,065 --> 00:17:25,033 Well, I've placed marksmen on the roof 330 00:17:25,067 --> 00:17:27,001 to shoot the balloons one by one, 331 00:17:27,036 --> 00:17:28,870 but frankly they're not very good. 332 00:17:30,172 --> 00:17:32,373 Chief, it happened again. 333 00:17:32,408 --> 00:17:34,809 Aw, come on, guys, spread out. Arm's length. 334 00:17:34,843 --> 00:17:36,244 It's all my fault. 335 00:17:36,278 --> 00:17:37,879 I should never have listened 336 00:17:37,913 --> 00:17:40,548 to those KISS albums when I was pregnant. 337 00:17:40,582 --> 00:17:42,984 Marge, with all due respect, that's ridiculous. 338 00:17:43,018 --> 00:17:45,420 My Sarah listened to Mozart and Churchill speeches 339 00:17:45,454 --> 00:17:47,088 when she was pregnant with Ralphie, 340 00:17:47,122 --> 00:17:49,390 and he can't even open a refrigerator. 341 00:17:49,425 --> 00:17:51,092 Pushing, always... always pushing. 342 00:17:51,126 --> 00:17:52,260 Really? 343 00:17:52,294 --> 00:17:54,028 Oh, yeah. That kid's a mess. 344 00:17:54,063 --> 00:17:56,397 Hey! Only I get to criticize him, Lou. 345 00:17:56,432 --> 00:17:58,866 Kid's scared to flush. Think's it's his brother. 346 00:17:58,901 --> 00:18:02,103 Can we focus on my son up in the sky? 347 00:18:02,137 --> 00:18:03,771 Oh, I've got a long-shot idea. 348 00:18:03,806 --> 00:18:07,775 By which I mean firing a shot over a long distance. 349 00:18:09,578 --> 00:18:11,179 Yeah, you see, if we could fire 350 00:18:11,213 --> 00:18:15,249 an exactly 12-and-a-half-pound weight into the basket, 351 00:18:15,284 --> 00:18:18,553 it would lower the boy very gently to the ground. 352 00:18:18,587 --> 00:18:22,023 Unfortunately, all our cannonballs were melted down 353 00:18:22,057 --> 00:18:24,859 to make a statue of Joe Paterno, 354 00:18:24,893 --> 00:18:27,495 which we changed to look like Eugene Levy. 355 00:18:29,264 --> 00:18:32,633 I think I just might have what you're looking for. 356 00:18:36,472 --> 00:18:40,208 Today I'm glad that I sold that stock. 357 00:18:40,242 --> 00:18:42,944 Uh, Apple closed up another 20 points today. 358 00:18:42,978 --> 00:18:44,879 Why does everyone know? 359 00:18:44,913 --> 00:18:47,415 Because their terrific products keep track of it for you. 360 00:18:47,449 --> 00:18:49,484 And anything else you could ever think of. 361 00:18:56,258 --> 00:18:58,559 That kid's not dying on my watch. 362 00:18:58,594 --> 00:19:00,762 Which ends... right now, fortunately. 363 00:19:06,869 --> 00:19:10,438 Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart! 364 00:19:10,472 --> 00:19:12,373 Hey. 365 00:19:12,408 --> 00:19:13,975 - Bart! Bart! - Hmm. 366 00:19:14,009 --> 00:19:16,244 Homer's rising faster than Apple stock. 367 00:19:20,616 --> 00:19:22,583 My boy's okay! 368 00:19:22,618 --> 00:19:24,252 Bart! Bart! Bart! 369 00:19:24,286 --> 00:19:26,154 I won the science fair! 370 00:19:26,188 --> 00:19:28,089 I get to go to Chicago! 371 00:19:28,123 --> 00:19:29,690 Bart! Bart! Bart! 372 00:19:29,725 --> 00:19:32,827 Ugh. Bart, Bart, Bart. 373 00:19:32,861 --> 00:19:34,862 You know what I think about regrets? 374 00:19:34,897 --> 00:19:37,432 As long as your family is together, 375 00:19:37,466 --> 00:19:40,435 every choice you've ever made is the right one. 376 00:19:40,469 --> 00:19:42,203 And together we are. 377 00:19:43,972 --> 00:19:46,707 Would you guys knock it off? He's down safe already. 378 00:19:47,957 --> 00:19:50,078 Sorry, Chief, that was me putting it down. 379 00:19:50,079 --> 00:19:52,380 And there you have it-- a family reunited. 380 00:19:52,414 --> 00:19:55,383 And a grateful nation gives thanks for some solid reporting. 381 00:19:55,417 --> 00:19:56,951 Back to you, Rachel Maddow. 382 00:19:56,985 --> 00:19:58,986 Great job, Kent. I think we might have 383 00:19:59,021 --> 00:20:00,688 an opening for you at MSNBC 384 00:20:00,722 --> 00:20:02,657 between our weekend prison documentary block 385 00:20:02,691 --> 00:20:04,625 and the two hours it takes 386 00:20:04,660 --> 00:20:06,694 to make up Joe Scarborough on Monday morning. 387 00:20:06,728 --> 00:20:08,663 No, thanks, Rachel Maddow. I'm happy right here. 388 00:20:08,697 --> 00:20:11,065 No regrets. 389 00:20:11,100 --> 00:20:16,100 == sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man 390 00:20:20,780 --> 00:20:22,247 Hah! 391 00:21:02,322 --> 00:21:04,323 Shh!