1
00:00:00,501 --> 00:00:02,125
[PHONE BEEPS]
Ripped By mstoll
2
00:00:02,335 --> 00:00:03,529
Ohh!
3
00:00:03,737 --> 00:00:05,796
- It's Coach.
- Coach, our old roommate?
4
00:00:06,006 --> 00:00:07,030
He wants to hang out.
5
00:00:07,240 --> 00:00:08,605
- What?
- He just texted me.
6
00:00:08,808 --> 00:00:11,003
Better give power of attorney
to a loved one...
7
00:00:11,244 --> 00:00:15,180
...because it's about to get crazy.
- When Coach has the dice, every roll's a 7.
8
00:00:15,382 --> 00:00:17,111
ALL [SINGING]:
Here I am
9
00:00:17,317 --> 00:00:20,616
Rock you like a hurricane
10
00:00:20,820 --> 00:00:24,153
- Nick. Trumpet solo.
- Yeah.
11
00:00:24,357 --> 00:00:26,188
MAN: You're ruining my wedding.
- Here I am...
12
00:00:26,393 --> 00:00:28,293
Bet this means he broke up with Malia.
13
00:00:28,495 --> 00:00:30,895
That's his thing.
He finds a girl, he disappears.
14
00:00:31,831 --> 00:00:34,356
Holy crap, Schmidt.
How long have you been out there?
15
00:00:34,567 --> 00:00:37,297
Relax. Just bringing my chimes
over to the new loft.
16
00:00:37,504 --> 00:00:39,802
You're here all the time taking our stuff.
17
00:00:40,006 --> 00:00:42,338
You decided to move out. Get new stuff.
18
00:00:42,542 --> 00:00:45,067
I'm sorry that I'm more
into material possessions.
19
00:00:45,278 --> 00:00:48,338
You stole my toothpaste while
I was using it. That's vindictive.
20
00:00:48,548 --> 00:00:51,779
- That's who took the toothpaste?
- Better watch out, break of dawn...
21
00:00:51,985 --> 00:00:54,146
...because I'm about to party
all up in you.
22
00:00:54,354 --> 00:00:55,582
- Coach texted you?
- Yeah.
23
00:00:55,789 --> 00:00:58,417
Doesn't realize you're
a dillweed who doesn't live here.
24
00:00:58,625 --> 00:01:01,617
I guess he doesn't realize
you're a dillweed who...
25
00:01:01,828 --> 00:01:02,988
Who still lives here.
26
00:01:03,196 --> 00:01:05,391
Remember when you got those chimes,
that girl?
27
00:01:05,598 --> 00:01:07,225
Yeah.
28
00:01:07,434 --> 00:01:08,867
- What's happening?
- I don't know.
29
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NICK: Crazy.
- So much sex on furniture.
30
00:01:10,804 --> 00:01:12,362
- A lot of fun.
- That was the best.
31
00:01:12,572 --> 00:01:15,166
- I'm still mad at you.
- I'm mad at you, man.
32
00:01:16,142 --> 00:01:21,341
I need everyone to shut up
and answer one simple question.
33
00:01:23,083 --> 00:01:25,051
You sons of bitches ready to party?
34
00:01:25,251 --> 00:01:27,276
ALL:
Yeah!
35
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- [SINGING] Who's that girl?
CHORUS: Who's that girl?
36
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- Who's that girl?
CHORUS: Who's that girl?
37
00:01:32,759 --> 00:01:34,094
It's Jess
38
00:01:34,627 --> 00:01:38,063
It's good to have you back, man.
So, uh, you and Malia broke up?
39
00:01:38,264 --> 00:01:41,097
Ah, yeah. She got real fat on me,
so I was like, ew, bye.
40
00:01:41,301 --> 00:01:44,737
- I guess her gain is our gain.
- Ha, ha. Who are you?
41
00:01:46,139 --> 00:01:48,198
- Come on, man. It's Jess.
- It's me, Jess.
42
00:01:48,408 --> 00:01:50,433
- Yeah, no.
- We lived together for two weeks.
43
00:01:50,643 --> 00:01:52,304
We shared some pretty big moments.
44
00:01:52,545 --> 00:01:55,776
- Yes. We got Bin Laden.
- Seal Team Six, bitches.
45
00:01:55,982 --> 00:01:57,779
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
46
00:01:58,218 --> 00:01:59,480
Huh.
47
00:01:59,686 --> 00:02:01,620
- I thought I was alone for that.
- You weren't.
48
00:02:01,855 --> 00:02:05,313
Anyway, I'm single and me and my boys
are gonna get crazy tonight.
49
00:02:05,525 --> 00:02:06,651
[ALL LAUGH]
50
00:02:06,860 --> 00:02:09,090
You know what I'm talking about,
Shrimp Forks.
51
00:02:09,295 --> 00:02:11,422
SCHMIDT: Oh, no.
- What's "Shrimp Forks"?
52
00:02:11,631 --> 00:02:13,929
It's a name I gave Winston
when we played hoops.
53
00:02:14,134 --> 00:02:17,001
The ball used to always slip through
his small, girly hands.
54
00:02:17,203 --> 00:02:20,138
Winston Bishop, point guard. Ru... Agh.
55
00:02:20,340 --> 00:02:22,672
Winston Bishop, point guard...
56
00:02:22,876 --> 00:02:23,934
Point guard... Ruh...
57
00:02:24,144 --> 00:02:26,476
Couldn't palm an apple.
Old Shrimp Forks.
58
00:02:27,147 --> 00:02:29,206
So I'm thinking strip club tonight. Mm?
59
00:02:29,415 --> 00:02:31,940
Oh, fun, fun, fun.
60
00:02:32,152 --> 00:02:34,643
Uh, Nick, could I talk to you
in the other room alone?
61
00:02:36,089 --> 00:02:38,023
Close the door
or you wanna do it quietly?
62
00:02:38,224 --> 00:02:41,250
- We're not having sex, Nick.
- No, I know that. Come here and talk.
63
00:02:41,461 --> 00:02:46,660
- Yeah. A strip club on a Tuesday night?
- No, I know. This is what we used to do.
64
00:02:46,866 --> 00:02:50,131
I don't wanna be one of those girls,
but I feel uncomfortable.
65
00:02:50,336 --> 00:02:52,998
- I totally get it.
- Let's go. These bills aren't gonna...
66
00:02:53,206 --> 00:02:57,074
...stick themselves in a thong. Right on.
- I'm coming, my man. Ha-ha-ha.
67
00:02:57,277 --> 00:02:59,939
- I might be coming, my man.
- Oh, I get it.
68
00:03:00,146 --> 00:03:01,636
- You're whipped.
- No, I'm not.
69
00:03:01,848 --> 00:03:03,372
Didn't know you had to check in.
70
00:03:03,583 --> 00:03:07,679
- We haven't discussed the girlfriend thing.
- Oh, cool, man. Let's go. Ha, ha.
71
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What?
72
00:03:11,824 --> 00:03:14,554
- What a...?
- I'm sorry, what did I just hear?
73
00:03:14,761 --> 00:03:17,992
I said we haven't had
the girlfriend-boyfriend discussion.
74
00:03:18,198 --> 00:03:20,962
- You don't think you're my boyfriend?
- I never said that.
75
00:03:21,167 --> 00:03:24,136
I'm just talking terminology.
We've never had the terminology.
76
00:03:24,337 --> 00:03:26,498
- What?
- We've never used the terminology.
77
00:03:26,706 --> 00:03:29,174
You "act" like my boyfriend.
You have the privileges.
78
00:03:29,375 --> 00:03:32,003
- I enjoy them.
- Would you like me to revoke those?
79
00:03:32,212 --> 00:03:33,611
No, you're twisting my words.
80
00:03:33,813 --> 00:03:37,271
What I'm saying, Jess,
is we've never had the boyfriend-girlfriend...
81
00:03:37,483 --> 00:03:39,178
...seeing-other-people conversation.
82
00:03:39,385 --> 00:03:41,785
Haven't had
the seeing-other-people conversation?
83
00:03:41,988 --> 00:03:44,752
- You're seeing other people?
- No, I'm not. Are you?
84
00:03:44,958 --> 00:03:46,391
- No.
- Jess, I'm just...
85
00:03:46,593 --> 00:03:49,323
We haven't had the conversation, is all.
86
00:03:49,529 --> 00:03:53,761
And it's a conversation that I, personally,
would love to have.
87
00:03:53,967 --> 00:03:57,095
Uh, dude, let's go. It's gonna close.
Jeez, is she not letting you go?
88
00:03:57,303 --> 00:03:59,897
I'm just telling her
what kind of cake to bake me, son.
89
00:04:00,106 --> 00:04:01,437
Ooh!
90
00:04:01,641 --> 00:04:04,838
Damn. That's right. All right.
91
00:04:06,145 --> 00:04:07,203
What are you doing?
92
00:04:07,413 --> 00:04:10,348
- I don't know. It's when Coach is here.
- What are you doing?
93
00:04:10,550 --> 00:04:12,347
- I just...
- No.
94
00:04:12,552 --> 00:04:14,076
Nick.
95
00:04:14,287 --> 00:04:16,755
- I'm really sorry.
- Guess what, Nick.
96
00:04:16,956 --> 00:04:20,050
I'm going out because we haven't had
"boyfriend-girlfriend" talk.
97
00:04:20,260 --> 00:04:22,524
And we haven't had
the seeing-other-people talk.
98
00:04:22,729 --> 00:04:25,721
And I'm gonna bake a cake.
A pineapple upside-down cake.
99
00:04:25,932 --> 00:04:29,060
- In terms of the metaphor, I'm...
- Don't. Go to the strip club.
100
00:04:29,269 --> 00:04:31,760
- Knock yourself out.
- Ho, ho.
101
00:04:31,971 --> 00:04:33,666
- Don't wait up, Jebecca.
- It's Jess.
102
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Right on.
103
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[MELLOW MUSIC
PLAYING INDISTINCTLY]
104
00:04:37,644 --> 00:04:41,375
- Men suck.
- Nick isn't even a man.
105
00:04:41,581 --> 00:04:45,108
He's like some man-boy,
man-child hybrid.
106
00:04:45,652 --> 00:04:48,621
The other day I had to tell him
not to pull a dog's tail.
107
00:04:48,821 --> 00:04:50,311
I shouldn't have to do that.
108
00:04:50,523 --> 00:04:53,959
If a guy wants to play games, Jess,
you gotta play them right back.
109
00:04:54,160 --> 00:04:55,627
- Right. Good.
- Yeah.
110
00:04:55,828 --> 00:04:57,090
What does that mean?
111
00:04:57,297 --> 00:04:59,492
- I'd make him jealous.
- Yeah, right.
112
00:04:59,699 --> 00:05:02,497
There a lot of guys out there
that wanna hook up with you.
113
00:05:02,702 --> 00:05:06,001
There is this one guy Artie
from the coffee shop who asked me out.
114
00:05:06,205 --> 00:05:10,107
You have my number. So give me a call.
Maybe we can go out sometime.
115
00:05:10,310 --> 00:05:12,244
Shut your face.
116
00:05:12,445 --> 00:05:14,845
Maybe give this guy Artie a call
and see what's...
117
00:05:15,048 --> 00:05:17,676
No, that's too real.
That's just way too real.
118
00:05:17,884 --> 00:05:19,943
- Why have his number?
- I like looking at it.
119
00:05:20,153 --> 00:05:26,285
- It's not weird. But it has a lot of fours in it.
- No.
120
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If you know what I mean.
121
00:05:28,561 --> 00:05:29,619
No, I don't.
122
00:05:30,863 --> 00:05:33,593
ANNOUNCER:
Here at the Velvet Rabbit, Lacey.
123
00:05:33,800 --> 00:05:38,134
Agh! Which one of y'all want a lap dance?
Because W.V. Just hit the ATM.
124
00:05:38,338 --> 00:05:39,862
- Aw! Hold up.
WINSTON: Mm-hm.
125
00:05:40,073 --> 00:05:41,802
Shrimp Forks,
why'd you get so much bunny money?
126
00:05:42,008 --> 00:05:44,033
- What is bunny money?
NICK: That is bunny money.
127
00:05:44,243 --> 00:05:46,438
It's not real money. Look at the bill.
128
00:05:46,646 --> 00:05:49,171
"President Rabbit-With-Two-Big-Ass..."
129
00:05:49,382 --> 00:05:50,849
ALL: Ha, ha.
- Damn, man.
130
00:05:51,050 --> 00:05:53,143
It's fine as long
as you didn't take much.
131
00:05:53,353 --> 00:05:55,116
Schmidt, I took out $2,000.
132
00:05:55,321 --> 00:05:56,845
[ALL LAUGHING]
133
00:05:57,056 --> 00:06:00,958
You keep making mistakes, Winston.
Isn't this great, guys?
134
00:06:01,160 --> 00:06:02,218
- Yeah, man.
- Awesome.
135
00:06:02,428 --> 00:06:06,330
And it's gonna keep getting better. We're
not leaving here until the sun comes up.
136
00:06:06,532 --> 00:06:10,298
- Ha, ha!
- Yo, Brick Top, we about to get it popping.
137
00:06:10,503 --> 00:06:12,869
- Whistle while you twerk.
- Woo, woo!
138
00:06:13,072 --> 00:06:15,097
- That man has so much confidence.
- Amazing.
139
00:06:15,308 --> 00:06:17,469
- Can't do this. I'm having anxiety.
- So tired.
140
00:06:17,677 --> 00:06:21,807
I have an 8 a.m. Presentation. I have to get
there at 7:45 to lower everybody's chairs.
141
00:06:22,014 --> 00:06:24,710
- Jess hasn't texted me back.
- Here's what we should do.
142
00:06:24,917 --> 00:06:28,876
You should tell him we wanna leave.
Maybe you wanna leave and we'll all go.
143
00:06:29,088 --> 00:06:31,522
- Why do I have to be the heavy?
COACH: All right, fellas.
144
00:06:31,724 --> 00:06:33,351
- Ha, ha! All right. You're back.
- Ha-ha-ha.
145
00:06:33,559 --> 00:06:37,325
So I got dancers for each of us,
plus one floater to play the zone.
146
00:06:37,530 --> 00:06:39,725
- Whoa! Defense.
- Ha-ha-ha.
147
00:06:39,932 --> 00:06:41,661
- Yeah.
- Here's a crazy idea.
148
00:06:41,868 --> 00:06:43,995
- Shoot, man.
- What if we got out of here...
149
00:06:44,971 --> 00:06:46,199
...went back and hung out?
150
00:06:46,406 --> 00:06:48,601
You're going through a break-up,
let's talk.
151
00:06:48,808 --> 00:06:51,276
Yeah. Just, um, go home and talk feelings.
152
00:06:51,477 --> 00:06:52,739
- No.
- Mm-mm.
153
00:06:52,945 --> 00:06:56,381
I was with Malia, now I'm not.
There. We talked about it.
154
00:06:56,582 --> 00:06:59,210
Oh, look at the time, it's butt o'clock.
155
00:06:59,419 --> 00:07:00,511
- You're whipped.
- Shut up.
156
00:07:00,720 --> 00:07:01,914
- You whipped.
- Straight up.
157
00:07:02,155 --> 00:07:05,784
- I'm not whipped.
- Whipped like cream cheese. Cream cheese.
158
00:07:05,992 --> 00:07:10,395
Cece, I'm thinking of firing off this text
to Nick: "Loving the single life."
159
00:07:10,596 --> 00:07:12,461
Should I add a "woo-hoo"? Too bitchy?
160
00:07:12,665 --> 00:07:14,826
Look who I called.
161
00:07:15,034 --> 00:07:16,899
Hey, Jess.
162
00:07:18,337 --> 00:07:22,239
Shut your face. What?
163
00:07:24,477 --> 00:07:26,240
Looks like you could use a new drink.
164
00:07:26,879 --> 00:07:30,280
Barkeep? Could I please get
a Shirley Temple...
165
00:07:30,483 --> 00:07:34,214
...with a finger of coconut rum
and a lemon squeeze?
166
00:07:34,420 --> 00:07:38,117
I call it a Temple Grandin, because
it makes me friendly and compassionate.
167
00:07:38,324 --> 00:07:39,552
[ALL LAUGH]
168
00:07:39,759 --> 00:07:42,319
- I have a boyfriend.
- No, she doesn't.
169
00:07:42,528 --> 00:07:43,654
I do. She do.
170
00:07:43,863 --> 00:07:47,458
Obviously this is a bad time
and, uh, you're involved.
171
00:07:47,700 --> 00:07:50,100
- In some shape or other.
- No, she's free as a bird.
172
00:07:50,303 --> 00:07:52,601
- Cece.
- All right, well, he's a very lucky man.
173
00:07:52,805 --> 00:07:55,296
I hope he realizes that.
174
00:07:55,508 --> 00:08:00,002
Don't move. You got an eyelash.
There we go. Make a wish.
175
00:08:00,213 --> 00:08:01,908
I'm afraid to. Ha, ha.
176
00:08:02,114 --> 00:08:04,014
All right, take care.
177
00:08:05,485 --> 00:08:08,010
- Big mistake.
- I shook his hand. I had my fun.
178
00:08:08,221 --> 00:08:11,952
You think that Nick is in a strip club
right now shaking hands?
179
00:08:12,158 --> 00:08:15,889
No. Because he is a man.
You can't trust them, Jess.
180
00:08:16,095 --> 00:08:20,361
Okay, the moment you let your guard down,
they just walk all over you.
181
00:08:20,566 --> 00:08:23,660
Tonight is the night to beat them
at their own game.
182
00:08:25,938 --> 00:08:28,600
Hey, Artie. Bet you can't lift me.
183
00:08:28,808 --> 00:08:30,833
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING
& MEN WHOOPING]
184
00:08:31,043 --> 00:08:33,102
All sales of bunny money are final.
185
00:08:33,312 --> 00:08:36,372
How am I supposed to spend $2000
on dancers?
186
00:08:36,582 --> 00:08:39,210
- Oh, no, our dancers don't take it.
- What?
187
00:08:39,418 --> 00:08:41,978
Bunny money is redeemable
at the bar, our gift shop...
188
00:08:42,188 --> 00:08:44,816
...and our sister club in Ft. Myers, Florida.
189
00:08:45,024 --> 00:08:47,015
- What?
- Body shot.
190
00:08:47,493 --> 00:08:49,120
[COACH LAUGHS]
191
00:08:50,496 --> 00:08:52,964
Tastes delicious.
What is that, an aftertaste?
192
00:08:53,165 --> 00:08:54,564
- Probably baby formula.
- Ugh.
193
00:08:54,767 --> 00:08:58,430
NICK: Tuesday nights.
- Girl, you are a pistol. Ha, ha.
194
00:08:58,638 --> 00:09:04,201
Tell you what, how about you and me
go back and I dance on you this time?
195
00:09:04,410 --> 00:09:05,877
[NICK LAUGHING]
196
00:09:06,078 --> 00:09:07,739
Oh, man.
197
00:09:08,614 --> 00:09:11,549
Tuesday nights. For a chub,
you're a terrible heavy.
198
00:09:11,751 --> 00:09:15,380
Let's get Coach really drunk
until he passes out, then we take him home.
199
00:09:15,588 --> 00:09:17,215
- Shot contest.
- Shot contest.
200
00:09:17,423 --> 00:09:20,688
- Like Raiders of the Lost Arch.
- Not ripping a page from that pro-Nazi film.
201
00:09:20,893 --> 00:09:23,862
- Raiders isn't pro-Nazi.
- Might as well be SS propaganda.
202
00:09:24,997 --> 00:09:26,965
No. Everybody in a Nazi uniform dies.
203
00:09:27,166 --> 00:09:29,396
When she puts the hand into the...
204
00:09:29,602 --> 00:09:31,968
- The heart.
- No, not the... Well, that happens too.
205
00:09:32,171 --> 00:09:34,571
- Nazis.
- I don't think that makes you a Nazi.
206
00:09:34,774 --> 00:09:38,073
They ate the monkey brains
and there was all the bugs. Nazi. Nazi.
207
00:09:38,277 --> 00:09:39,437
Nick's at a strip club.
208
00:09:39,645 --> 00:09:43,911
But he's just being a normal guy in his 20s,
that wants to hang out with other guys.
209
00:09:44,116 --> 00:09:45,606
They're all in their 30s.
210
00:09:46,752 --> 00:09:48,344
Yeah, but enough about Nick.
211
00:09:48,554 --> 00:09:51,580
What do you do when you're not
making coffee at the coffee shop?
212
00:09:51,791 --> 00:09:53,349
Actually, I own the coffee shop.
213
00:09:53,559 --> 00:09:55,584
- What?
- Not as glamorous as you may think.
214
00:09:55,828 --> 00:09:59,730
It's a lot of spreadsheets, and jetting off
to Brazil at a moment's notice.
215
00:09:59,932 --> 00:10:01,695
Nick's never been to Brazil.
216
00:10:01,901 --> 00:10:06,702
Maybe you should step away, you know,
call Nick up and hash things out.
217
00:10:06,906 --> 00:10:10,706
Can't call Nick. Then he'll know
I'm thinking about him and then he wins.
218
00:10:10,910 --> 00:10:13,538
- Maybe you both win?
- Say "Brazil" again.
219
00:10:13,879 --> 00:10:14,868
Brazil.
220
00:10:15,081 --> 00:10:16,241
[GIGGLES]
221
00:10:17,383 --> 00:10:20,978
- Say "rubber baby buggy bumpers."
- Rubber baby buggy bumpers.
222
00:10:21,187 --> 00:10:22,586
Oh, my God.
223
00:10:23,222 --> 00:10:26,214
The shot contest isn't working.
It's only making him stronger.
224
00:10:26,425 --> 00:10:27,687
[PHONE RINGS]
225
00:10:27,893 --> 00:10:31,659
It's Jess.
Hey, Jess. I'm so glad you called.
226
00:10:31,864 --> 00:10:36,324
- Nick, can I talk to you for a second?
- Oh, is that, uh, the Notorious N-A-G?
227
00:10:36,535 --> 00:10:38,264
- Hey.
- Is that Naggie Gyllenhaal?
228
00:10:39,271 --> 00:10:42,399
Hey. I don't need your help
checking my woman.
229
00:10:42,608 --> 00:10:45,668
- You're checking your woman?
- Wait, how did you hear that?
230
00:10:45,878 --> 00:10:48,073
You were covering
the listening part, dummy.
231
00:10:48,314 --> 00:10:51,715
- They look the same. I'm too drunk.
- Well, I'm way drunk too.
232
00:10:51,917 --> 00:10:52,941
And I'm with a man.
233
00:10:53,152 --> 00:10:57,282
- What?
- He owns a business and he goes to Brazil.
234
00:10:58,991 --> 00:11:01,255
- Nick? Nick, hello?
- Oh, that's a coin flip.
235
00:11:01,794 --> 00:11:05,059
- He's so immature.
- Jess!
236
00:11:05,264 --> 00:11:06,424
Jessica.
237
00:11:06,632 --> 00:11:07,826
ARTIE:
You guys have had enough.
238
00:11:08,034 --> 00:11:10,696
- Let me give you a ride home.
- You weren't drinking?
239
00:11:10,903 --> 00:11:13,838
No, no, no, I don't drink.
Gotta get ajump on the mornings.
240
00:11:14,040 --> 00:11:15,837
Well, you really have it together.
241
00:11:16,042 --> 00:11:17,873
I bet you can use a phone too.
242
00:11:18,077 --> 00:11:20,375
Your bar for having it together
is set pretty low.
243
00:11:20,980 --> 00:11:23,778
I don't think this is such a good idea.
We can grab a cab.
244
00:11:23,983 --> 00:11:25,610
Cece, this was your idea.
245
00:11:25,818 --> 00:11:28,810
- Artie. Can we take yourjet?
ARTIE: Oh, heh.
246
00:11:29,021 --> 00:11:32,718
- It's just one coffee shop.
- Wouldn't you like to know.
247
00:11:32,925 --> 00:11:34,916
ANNOUNCER:
All right, guys, give it up for Candy.
248
00:11:35,127 --> 00:11:37,891
- Is that lobster gray?
- Most expensive thing on the menu.
249
00:11:38,931 --> 00:11:42,560
I gotta go. Jess is drinking and talking
to some guy...
250
00:11:42,768 --> 00:11:45,328
Forget her, dude.
Relationships are prisons.
251
00:11:45,538 --> 00:11:48,803
- How often do we get to hang?
- I haven't seen you in two years.
252
00:11:49,008 --> 00:11:50,839
Strippers and booze forever.
253
00:11:51,043 --> 00:11:53,136
- There it is.
- You know what? Stop. No, no.
254
00:11:54,146 --> 00:11:56,171
Relationships are not prisons.
255
00:11:56,382 --> 00:11:58,782
And Jess is amazing.
256
00:11:58,984 --> 00:12:03,887
She's sexy and sweet. I can't lose her.
257
00:12:04,890 --> 00:12:06,414
So I'm going home to see her.
258
00:12:06,625 --> 00:12:08,684
[COACH CRYING]
259
00:12:11,597 --> 00:12:14,065
Why are you crying?
We can see each other tomorrow.
260
00:12:14,266 --> 00:12:17,235
I didn't break up with Malia, all right?
261
00:12:17,436 --> 00:12:18,835
She broke up with me.
262
00:12:19,038 --> 00:12:22,496
- Why didn't you say anything, man?
- Because I was embarrassed, Winston.
263
00:12:24,477 --> 00:12:27,571
I was just trying to fill a void
with all these naked chicks.
264
00:12:27,780 --> 00:12:31,841
I don't wanna be here. I wanna be in love.
265
00:12:32,051 --> 00:12:33,177
That's just pathetic.
266
00:12:33,385 --> 00:12:38,618
Now she's dating some dude
named "Derek." Or Derek.
267
00:12:38,824 --> 00:12:41,054
You need to go home.
And I need to go home too.
268
00:12:41,260 --> 00:12:42,557
You're right, man.
269
00:12:42,762 --> 00:12:45,560
- You have to fight for your relationships.
- Fricking Derek.
270
00:12:45,765 --> 00:12:48,199
- Let's go.
- Mm-mm. Guys, guys, you cannot leave.
271
00:12:48,400 --> 00:12:50,265
I was crying. I wanna get out of here.
272
00:12:50,469 --> 00:12:53,700
- It's embarrassing, he cried.
- All these chicks saw me cry.
273
00:12:53,906 --> 00:12:56,397
I got bunny money
coming out of my pockets.
274
00:12:58,043 --> 00:13:02,742
- Wait a minute, this ain't the way home.
- We're just gonna make a quick stop.
275
00:13:02,948 --> 00:13:05,382
We're gonna kick Malia's boyfriend's ass.
276
00:13:05,584 --> 00:13:08,553
NICK: This is a police station.
- I know. That's where he works.
277
00:13:08,754 --> 00:13:10,722
You wanna drunk-fight a cop?
278
00:13:10,923 --> 00:13:13,892
- He stole my girlfriend.
- Did you hear the joke about...
279
00:13:14,093 --> 00:13:17,585
...the two black guys and two white guys
who walked into a police station?
280
00:13:17,797 --> 00:13:19,958
- The two white guys came out.
- I'm with Winston.
281
00:13:20,166 --> 00:13:21,394
- Winston...
- Mm-hm?
282
00:13:21,600 --> 00:13:24,091
...I got two of these
and you got one more of those.
283
00:13:24,303 --> 00:13:25,634
- Put that away.
NICK: Coach.
284
00:13:25,838 --> 00:13:29,740
SCHMIDT: Let's do it. Let's get raucous.
NICK: Coach. No. We're not ready.
285
00:13:32,178 --> 00:13:35,579
SCHMIDT: He is pure life force.
- He's a lunatic, man. I gotta get out of here.
286
00:13:35,781 --> 00:13:38,716
- I got a work thing. Work trumps girls.
- I got a girl thing.
287
00:13:38,918 --> 00:13:43,082
- Girls are replaceable, jobs are forever.
- I bet I get left with the fare. I just bet...
288
00:13:43,289 --> 00:13:46,554
Hey, driver, let me ask you something.
Do you like strippers?
289
00:13:46,759 --> 00:13:49,159
Do you also like the deal of a lifetime?
290
00:13:49,361 --> 00:13:52,125
I wanted to leave first.
Been saying that the whole night.
291
00:13:52,331 --> 00:13:53,696
And none of you can stop me.
292
00:13:53,899 --> 00:13:59,337
You think that you can beat me
in a physical altercation of fisticuffs?
293
00:13:59,538 --> 00:14:03,804
I will beat you in a way
that you've never been beaten before.
294
00:14:05,578 --> 00:14:06,772
Hoo, hoo!
295
00:14:06,979 --> 00:14:09,038
- Damn it.
- You got hit in the face, son.
296
00:14:09,248 --> 00:14:10,772
Hit me again.
297
00:14:10,983 --> 00:14:14,612
Because I swear there will be... I'll be...
298
00:14:14,820 --> 00:14:18,187
Loosen up your neck
so I can put you in a headlock of a lifetime.
299
00:14:18,390 --> 00:14:19,823
Guys, it's escalating. Look.
300
00:14:20,025 --> 00:14:24,223
- I'm a cop. Pew, pew-pew.
- No, no, no.
301
00:14:24,430 --> 00:14:26,125
JESS:
Thanks for the ride, Artie.
302
00:14:26,799 --> 00:14:27,959
Bathroom's down the hall.
303
00:14:28,167 --> 00:14:30,692
It's the one with the urinals.
I do live with men.
304
00:14:30,903 --> 00:14:32,734
Nay, boys.
305
00:14:32,938 --> 00:14:34,565
[LAUGHS]
306
00:14:35,407 --> 00:14:38,808
Look, if he can pee in Brazil,
he can pee in my house.
307
00:14:39,011 --> 00:14:42,344
- Do you actually like this guy?
- What? No. No.
308
00:14:42,548 --> 00:14:45,346
Nick couldn't call me his girlfriend.
309
00:14:45,551 --> 00:14:47,348
And that hurt.
310
00:14:47,553 --> 00:14:53,150
Now I wanna hurt him back.
With some long, hot conversation.
311
00:14:53,359 --> 00:14:56,260
- That's what you really wanna do?
- Yes. Men suck, remember?
312
00:14:56,462 --> 00:14:59,693
I'm sorry about saying that.
Because I put that on you, all right?
313
00:14:59,899 --> 00:15:03,027
That's because I'm going
through something right now with Schmidt.
314
00:15:03,235 --> 00:15:05,726
- You have Nick.
- Nick's a child...
315
00:15:05,938 --> 00:15:07,701
...who drinks on Tuesdays.
316
00:15:07,907 --> 00:15:09,841
You're drinking and you're a teacher.
317
00:15:10,042 --> 00:15:11,976
Those kids are watching
a movie tomorrow.
318
00:15:12,177 --> 00:15:15,772
Look, Nick doesn't have a life plan.
He doesn't have a day plan.
319
00:15:15,981 --> 00:15:19,917
I once found a note he wrote to himself
that said "put on pants."
320
00:15:20,152 --> 00:15:24,714
Followed by a question mark.
That means it read, "Put on pants?"
321
00:15:24,924 --> 00:15:29,054
Also, he throws pizza at seagulls.
322
00:15:29,261 --> 00:15:33,095
Which I guess is kind of nice,
because he's trying to feed them.
323
00:15:33,299 --> 00:15:37,929
And he's a really, really great kisser.
324
00:15:38,137 --> 00:15:40,469
You have something really good.
325
00:15:42,775 --> 00:15:46,541
Just go get Artie and tell him to leave,
all right?
326
00:15:46,745 --> 00:15:48,975
COACH: Can you just get Derek?
- Hey, hey.
327
00:15:49,181 --> 00:15:53,117
He's gonna get the whole precinct. This is
a high-income area. They're very bored.
328
00:15:53,319 --> 00:15:57,085
Gotta get sober. Gotta... Oh, my goodness,
this jacket smells like gasoline.
329
00:15:57,289 --> 00:15:59,189
- Come on.
- Guys, come on.
330
00:15:59,391 --> 00:16:03,725
Come on, man, we're too old for this.
We're too old for this whole night.
331
00:16:03,929 --> 00:16:06,898
- What?
- Life changes. You gotta grow up.
332
00:16:07,099 --> 00:16:09,897
I did. I'm in a relationship and I'm happy.
333
00:16:10,469 --> 00:16:12,596
Schmidt moved out of the loft
and he's happy.
334
00:16:12,805 --> 00:16:15,831
- I'm miserable. It's your fault.
- What are you talking about?
335
00:16:16,041 --> 00:16:18,601
I'm in a vacancy room.
A room of vacancy.
336
00:16:18,811 --> 00:16:20,301
- By choice. Choice.
- Emptiness.
337
00:16:20,512 --> 00:16:24,915
Your face is gonna look all melted
like the president at the end of Raiders.
338
00:16:25,117 --> 00:16:27,847
He wasn't the president.
You saw a different movie.
339
00:16:28,053 --> 00:16:30,283
- I'll kill you.
- He wasn't the president.
340
00:16:30,489 --> 00:16:32,218
- Guys.
- Kick you in the butt.
341
00:16:32,424 --> 00:16:34,722
- He touched my penis. Don't touch.
- Hey.
342
00:16:34,927 --> 00:16:37,760
- Stop it. You just touched my penis.
- Hey, hey.
343
00:16:37,963 --> 00:16:39,021
You touched my...
344
00:16:39,231 --> 00:16:40,323
[ALL GROANING]
345
00:16:40,532 --> 00:16:42,056
- You guys, grow up.
- You grow up.
346
00:16:42,267 --> 00:16:44,132
Coach, what are you doing here?
347
00:16:45,938 --> 00:16:48,338
- It's, uh...
- Is this about Malia?
348
00:16:48,540 --> 00:16:50,474
Yeah, it's about Malia.
349
00:16:56,782 --> 00:16:58,943
Take care of her, man.
350
00:17:00,519 --> 00:17:02,146
I will.
351
00:17:02,354 --> 00:17:04,845
I'm a cop, not some drunk loser.
352
00:17:05,991 --> 00:17:07,982
Get out of here.
353
00:17:12,498 --> 00:17:14,762
Should we grow up tomorrow night?
354
00:17:16,368 --> 00:17:18,336
- Yeah.
SCHMIDT: Muscle time.
355
00:17:18,537 --> 00:17:20,266
- Muscle time.
- Oh, yeah.
356
00:17:20,472 --> 00:17:24,636
- Hey, back up.
- Arrest me, dude. Arrest me.
357
00:17:24,843 --> 00:17:28,040
- He's got backup. Go, go, go.
WINSTON: Move, go.
358
00:17:29,048 --> 00:17:31,107
NICK: Serpentine!
SCHMIDT: Agh!
359
00:17:31,316 --> 00:17:33,341
NICK: Serpentine!
SCHMIDT: Unh!
360
00:17:33,652 --> 00:17:35,347
[ALL YELLING]
361
00:17:38,223 --> 00:17:40,885
Artie, I have to hit the hay.
362
00:17:44,596 --> 00:17:45,995
- Oh, dear.
ARTIE: Don't worry.
363
00:17:46,198 --> 00:17:48,689
I'm gonna make you coffee in the morning.
364
00:17:55,007 --> 00:17:58,499
It's been a really great evening.
What a treat it's been...
365
00:17:58,710 --> 00:18:01,736
...but somewhere along the way,
some signals got crossed.
366
00:18:01,947 --> 00:18:06,008
Signals could not have been any clearer.
Come on in.
367
00:18:06,218 --> 00:18:08,379
The water's warm.
368
00:18:09,721 --> 00:18:12,087
- Are you splashing me?
- I'm trying to mix you up.
369
00:18:12,291 --> 00:18:15,419
- Seriously?
- Men are such dicks.
370
00:18:20,399 --> 00:18:23,698
Whoo! All right, guys, second wind.
You got an old TV?
371
00:18:23,902 --> 00:18:27,599
- Let's throw it off the roof.
- Come on, you're crashing with me.
372
00:18:27,806 --> 00:18:30,639
And you go talk to your girlfriend.
373
00:18:30,843 --> 00:18:34,370
Thanks. Hey, it was a fun night.
374
00:18:35,280 --> 00:18:37,248
- All right, guys.
- Let's go, Shrimp Forks.
375
00:18:37,449 --> 00:18:40,111
Coach. Shrimp Forks? Come on, man...
376
00:18:40,352 --> 00:18:43,014
...that makes no sense.
I played professional basketball.
377
00:18:43,222 --> 00:18:48,125
- You gotta stop calling me that.
- I'm sorry, man. Hop along, Bunny Money.
378
00:18:48,994 --> 00:18:51,554
- Better than Shrimp Forks. I'll take that.
- Fantastic.
379
00:18:51,763 --> 00:18:54,789
- It only cost you $2000.
- It did, didn't it?
380
00:18:55,000 --> 00:18:59,061
The Brazilians have the same word
for making love to one woman...
381
00:18:59,271 --> 00:19:01,933
...as they do for making love to two.
382
00:19:02,608 --> 00:19:04,735
[SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
383
00:19:06,145 --> 00:19:08,272
- Take off your tops and say it with me.
- Jess?
384
00:19:08,480 --> 00:19:09,970
Oh, my God. That's Nick.
385
00:19:10,182 --> 00:19:13,208
Okay, okay. You just get him dressed.
I will stall Nick.
386
00:19:13,418 --> 00:19:16,751
- I am really good at this kind of thing.
- Oh, my God.
387
00:19:16,955 --> 00:19:19,924
Nick, I've been wanting
to talk to you about this side table.
388
00:19:20,125 --> 00:19:22,320
What kind of wood is it made out of?
I failed.
389
00:19:22,528 --> 00:19:24,689
- Jess.
- Huh?
390
00:19:24,897 --> 00:19:26,922
Welcome, brother.
391
00:19:27,599 --> 00:19:29,590
My God. Nick, I can't imagine...
392
00:19:29,801 --> 00:19:33,601
...what you must be thinking right now.
Actually, this is your worst nightmare.
393
00:19:33,805 --> 00:19:37,673
There's a good-Iooking man in my bed
and he's naked and I'm flustered.
394
00:19:37,910 --> 00:19:41,243
I might as well just spray-paint
"Jay Cutler Sucks" on the wall...
395
00:19:41,446 --> 00:19:43,573
...and just round out
the whole image, right?
396
00:19:43,782 --> 00:19:48,947
Nick, nothing happened
and nothing was ever going to happen.
397
00:19:49,154 --> 00:19:52,021
And you have to believe me, please.
398
00:19:52,224 --> 00:19:54,749
Say you believe me. Please.
399
00:19:59,298 --> 00:20:00,492
I believe you.
400
00:20:05,337 --> 00:20:09,467
- Do you have any questions?
- Do you want me to have questions?
401
00:20:09,675 --> 00:20:12,701
- Well...
- Hey, Artie.
402
00:20:14,479 --> 00:20:17,312
I'm gonna need you
to get out of my girlfriend's bed, man.
403
00:20:19,017 --> 00:20:24,216
Well, uh, ahem, I'm naked and in bed
and you're fully clothed and standing...
404
00:20:24,423 --> 00:20:27,915
...so I mean,
I hardly think this would be a fair fight.
405
00:20:28,126 --> 00:20:30,356
Well, I'd like it to be a fair fight.
406
00:20:31,763 --> 00:20:34,823
- Thank God for snaps.
- Men are so weird.
407
00:20:35,033 --> 00:20:39,834
I must warn you,
whilst spending time in Brazil...
408
00:20:40,038 --> 00:20:42,768
Let me get situated first
before we get into this thing.
409
00:20:42,975 --> 00:20:44,567
Oh, my God.
410
00:20:45,978 --> 00:20:48,276
- Bye-bye. Heh.
- Don't die, big guy. Ha, ha.
411
00:20:48,480 --> 00:20:50,380
- Hey.
- Hey.
412
00:20:50,582 --> 00:20:54,882
- You called me your girlfriend.
- Did I? I don't remember.
413
00:20:58,323 --> 00:21:00,814
- Where's Winston with the food?
- Sorry, sorry, sorry.
414
00:21:01,026 --> 00:21:02,050
[ALL GROAN]
415
00:21:02,261 --> 00:21:04,456
SCHMIDT: Yes.
- Crazy at the V-Rab. Bachelor party season.
416
00:21:04,663 --> 00:21:06,528
I got a deep-dish gyrator,
no mushrooms.
417
00:21:06,732 --> 00:21:07,790
Don't call it V-Rab.
418
00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:09,763
- Ha-ha-ha.
- Please.
419
00:21:09,968 --> 00:21:12,903
- I got the main-stage fish tacos?
- No regrets.
420
00:21:13,105 --> 00:21:15,164
- Great order.
- Pour Some Sugar on Meatballs.
421
00:21:15,374 --> 00:21:17,934
- Oh, that's me. Thank you.
- Ah. Let's see. And I got...
422
00:21:18,143 --> 00:21:20,941
...the short-stack ass-clap pancakes.
- The flapjacks.
423
00:21:21,146 --> 00:21:22,477
All right, you wanna split?
424
00:21:22,681 --> 00:21:24,239
COACH: Let's do one for one.
- Want a taco?
425
00:21:24,449 --> 00:21:26,417
- I'm gonna take one of Winston's.
NICK: Take it.
426
00:21:26,618 --> 00:21:29,052
I was thinking you guys
could chip in a little.
427
00:21:29,254 --> 00:21:30,915
- No, no.
- Because it was expensive.
428
00:21:31,123 --> 00:21:33,148
SCHMIDT: Want one of Winston's tacos?
NICK: Yeah.
429
00:21:33,358 --> 00:21:36,350
- I'd take 50 cents on the dollar. I would.
- Yeah.
430
00:21:36,561 --> 00:21:38,324
COACH: This beer is great.
WINSTON: Please?
Ripped By mstoll